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This programme contains some strong language.

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LAUGHTER

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- I think we'll have to have... 
- A wee change of tactic there, son.

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Aye, gie him a soft one.

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I'll gie him a soft one nae bother, right, underarm.

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Right, Charlie, Charlie, we'll go underarm, right?

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Ready? One...two...three.

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Hey! LAUGHTER

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Is that my Koala mug?

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You're pure oot!

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HE ROARS

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Attention!

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# Happy birthday to ya, Gary!

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# Happy Birthday to ya, Gary Happy birthday!

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# Happy birthday to ya, Gary. #

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You're happy.

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It's my birthday!

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You're stuck in here stagging on!

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Doesnae bother me. I could be getting chased down the street

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off a pack of stags and it wouldnae matter...cos?

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- It's your birthday. 
- Aye. Is that a card for me?

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No' unless you've changed your name to Sergeant Thomson.

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No, I haven't. What is it?

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Don't know. Special MoD courier.

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- Must be important, eh?
- Let me see?

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- Hmm...paper.
- Aye?

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Are you sure it's no' a mug, or a hammer?

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- That's a rubbish joke, cos it's clearly paper or card at best. 
- Aye, but what's written on it?

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"Congratulations! You have been selected for our free prize draw."

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A three-month posting to Afghanistan!

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- Where did that come fae? 
- It could be though, eh?
- How?

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- People have been saying.
- What?

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- That we might be going out. 
- Ach, people say stuff all the time.

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Last week they were saying you could get flu fae pigs! Doesnae mean it's true!

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BUZZER

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- Can I help you?
- Aye!

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- We're after a gun!
- A gun?

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Aye, a gun! You ever heard of them?

39
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Aye, what kind of gun?

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- Whit?
- Gun, what kind of gun, there's loads of them.

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- I thought that's what you wanted? 
- Aye. What have you got?

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Eh...got a hand gun, machine gun, laser gun?

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- Laser gun?! 
- No, that's just a wee joke.

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Oh, right.  I want one like big Arnie's got in Commando!

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Right, well that sounds like a great film.

46
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Is that the one where he's got that funny wee twin?

47
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- Naw, it's the film where he's got a big gun.
- Right. OK.

48
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Well, I tell you the best thing to do is, eh, I'll buzz you through and get your details, all right?

49
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OK. So what's your name?

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Eddy.

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Eddy, Eddy what?

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Just Eddy.

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Right like, eh, Madonna or Sinitta.

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OK.

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So Eddy, did you have a budget in mind?

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Aye, 50 cash...

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and 25 cheque.

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Well, I'm sure we'll be able to get you something for that.

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- Now is it a gift? Or is it for yourself?
- Just myself.
- OK.

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So, you're after a machine gun like the one Arnie's got in Commando for 50 cash, 25 cheque?

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So now it's just a matter of the money and three pieces of ID.

62
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I've no' got three pieces of ID.

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We will need that or two and a note from your mum.

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Right, I'll need to go home.

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Pop home, get the documentation, and we'll see you shortly.

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- What time do yous close at? 
- Eh, six sharp.

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Right, keep it for us.

68
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- Certainly, sir.
- Cheers, mate!

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You should have said, eh... "I'll be back."

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Doesnae matter.

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I don't know

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if it's a bad thing

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to adopt a poor baby from Africa.

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Could you trust it, though?

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I mean, I'm no' saying it would be a bad baby, right.

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It's just when you're poor, you know, you're maybe used to stealing.

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Like in Oliver Twist, right, see,

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I don't actually think the Artful Dodger was a bad guy, right.

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He was just used to stealing hankies, and that was the way he'd been brought up.

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And like, Oliver,

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you know, from Oliver Twist right,

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he then became part of the hankie gang, right, because that was

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his new family, so like it all depends on who's round you, eh?

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Like I once seen a documentary about a girl that was brought up by cats in Russia.

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I think it was cats, was it cats?

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A pack of cats?

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Is that right, a pack of cats? Anyway right, eh, when they found her she was in a right state.

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I think it was Moscow.

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Anyway right, anyway, she was doin' stuff like a cat,

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ken, like quite moody and that, but, oh, it just makes you think, eh?

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I wonder what it would be like to be brought up by animals,

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like penguins,

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or cows,

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cos it does happen, eh?

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Sometimes it makes you really appreciate what you've got.

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Look at you!

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What?

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Staring at that envelope like it's a matter of life or death.

99
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Very funny! Who was that?

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Just a guy trying tae buy a gun.

101
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- No' another one?
- Aye.

102
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- Is he coming back?
- Aye, in a bit.

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Just put it down.

104
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Think about something more positive,

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like my birthday!

106
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Are you no even bothered?

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Nut, no' the day, cos it's my birthday.

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# Happy birthday to me, Gary

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# Happy birthday to me, Gary

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# Happy birthday dear Ga-ary! #

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- There ye go.
- What's this?

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It's your present.

113
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Oh...

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which I see you've wrapped nicely in a plastic bag.

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- Oh, I didnae have time! 
- That's all right. Well, it might be.

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What's this?

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- Oh.
- Remember when that was taken?

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- Nut, cos I was asleep. 
- Aye, but remember.

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You'd been stagging on for 20 hours, and you came back and you were that tired, you were slurring your words.

120
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And then you tried to eat a bar of chocolate and fell asleep - couldnae wake you up!

121
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Aye, so you wrote "Dick" on my forehead?

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That's reassuring, what if I'd been deid?

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- And then Thomson came in. 
- And took a photie and now...

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it's a fashion range!

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You never know, it might take off.

126
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Imagine, T-shirts wi' your face on it - you'd get kids out in the street wearing them!

127
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And then we could get different ones wi' different pictures like "fanny" and "baws" written across your face.

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Right. That's enough. Thanks. Well, thanks for that.

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- Remember it was your birthday no' long after?
- How can I forget?

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What about that present we got you, you were spoilt!

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- What was her name, Sally? 
- Aye. Sally the goat. She liked you.

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Naw, she never.

133
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- She ate my sheets! 
- Oh, that was funny.

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And shat in my boots.

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That wasnae Sally!

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GIGGLING

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Just to let anyone know who hasnae heard.

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Today is my birthday!

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Thank you.

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What are you doing?

141
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- Nothing, just...
- Just looking like you've watched too many Murder She Wrotes.

142
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I just want to know if we're going out.

143
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What, me and you? Naw, we're no', it would never work.

144
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Can you no' be serious for just one second?

145
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Aye, sorry.

146
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Forget about it!

147
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Look, if we're going out, we're going out. If we're no', we're no'.

148
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It still doesn't change the fact that today is my birthday!

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And so I'm no' thinking about that.

150
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Doesnae mean I cannae think about it.

151
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Right, well what is it you're thinking about so loudly?

152
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Don't know. It just makes you think a wee bit, eh?

153
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If you weren't doing this, then what would you do?

154
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Right, so that's what this is all about, right -

155
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- you're dreaming of pastries new.
- Maybe.

156
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So what's it this time, fireman again?

157
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- Midwife?
- Shut up. Have you never thought about doing anything else?

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'Course I have!

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Sometimes I dream about being the guy in the zoo that feeds the giraffe,

160
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but that's just fantasy, Charlie, I could never dae that!

161
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- How no?
- Cos I'm no' tall enough.

162
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- So what would you do if you werenae doing this?
- I'm no' sure,

163
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maybe a shop, sell stuff?

164
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Oh. That sounds like a great shop. What kind of stuff?

165
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I don't know, I'm just thinking.

166
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Well, if I were you, I'd stop thinkin' and put that envelope down,

167
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cos at the moment all you've got is a shop that sells "stuff" and I'm no dragon fae the den, right,

168
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but see if the bank says to you, "What d'you want the money for?" And you say, "Oh, my shop,"

169
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and they go, "Oh, that's really exciting, what are ye gonna sell?" And you go, "Stuff".

170
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They're gonna say, "Well ye're no gonnae get the money, have you thought about a career in the Army?"

171
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Aw right, you finished?

172
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For now, I may give you more advice as I see fit.

173
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I have become so knowledgeable since my recent advance in age.

174
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Ya fanny!

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MOBILE RINGTONE

176
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Oh, that'll be another birthday well wisher.

177
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Have you ever had a text, Charlie?

178
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No. "Happy birthday, is it today?

179
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"I'm sure it's today, is it? Tell me it is. Phone you in a minute. Julie."

180
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- I'm away to do the perimeter. 
- Very well,

181
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but may I request that on your return that you avoid the talking of so much shite.

182
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Enjoy the walk, dear boy!

183
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No, eh, I don't vote myself, but um,

184
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but that's cos...

185
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you know, everything's OK.

186
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I'm quite happy, you know,

187
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I don't see the point. We've got shops and...

188
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a cinema.

189
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I mean, I think they should vote, I think they should. I mean,

190
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that's why that woman got hit by a horse.

191
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So that they could get the vote so,

192
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I think they should. I mean if they want good shops,

193
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if they want a McDonalds, if they want, you know, like,

194
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an HMV or whatever, that's what you need to do.

195
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So, um,

196
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I think for them...

197
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..that's important, that's what a democracy is.

198
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LAUGHTER

199
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That is funny, eh, look at you!

200
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What a cock!

201
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And it says "dick"!

202
00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:23,760
Aye, I see that.

203
00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:28,520
Em, did you and Charlie perhaps talk about getting a T-shirt done with this picture on it?

204
00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:30,040
How?

205
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:31,560
Watch.

206
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Bastard!

207
00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:41,560
I said I was getting it!

208
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But mine is better. "What a cock" is funnier than "Yes, I'm in charge."

209
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Aye, it's a close call, eh, I'll maybe choose which one to wear later.

210
00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:58,080
- Aw right?
- Ho! I said I was getting the T-shirt?

211
00:12:58,080 --> 00:13:00,400
Naw, I was getting it.

212
00:13:00,400 --> 00:13:03,240
- What's that?
- That's the T-shirt.

213
00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:06,840
The funny one. Yours is shite.

214
00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:10,960
"What a cock." That's no' very nice.

215
00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:16,280
- It's a joke!
- Aye, but they're both really funny, so thanks for that. It's the thought.

216
00:13:18,760 --> 00:13:22,640
So what's all this bullshit you've been spouting?

217
00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:24,280
- What?
- I've told him about your shop.

218
00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:27,640
- What shop?
- You thinking about jacking it in?
- I never said that!

219
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I was just thinking what I would be doing if I wasnae doing this?

220
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Yeah. Well, don't bother thinking about it, cos it'll no' happen,

221
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cos I don't want some wee fanny o' a replacement. I'm just about used to you!

222
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- Is that a compliment? 
- No, it's no'!

223
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I'm just saying dinnae... go and open a shop, right?

224
00:13:47,640 --> 00:13:50,800
- See Jacko, he's got himsel' in a right state over this.
- What is it?

225
00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:59,000
- Well, that's 64 pound question, eh? 
- A letter for Sarge, it might be sayin' we're going back out?

226
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:03,880
- So what are you greetin' about? If we are, we are.
- That's what I said. But he's kind of a bit worried.

227
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Naw, I'm no'!

228
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It just makes you think a bit, eh?

229
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Have you never thought about doing anything else?

230
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Nut. Even if I had, I wouldnae tell you - not unless I was actually going to do it.

231
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- Well, maybe I will dae it! 
- All right, well do it then!

232
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- Stop milking it! 
- I'm no' milking it!
- Em.

233
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Did yous keep the receipt for these? Cos I'm gonna be honest,

234
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I'm no' convinced.

235
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Aye, I do remember the first time they telt us we were going out.

236
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They had us in this...

237
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like, big hall.

238
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:39,920
And, eh, the Major was there, ken?

239
00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:44,120
Posh apples in his mouth, and, eh, he says, eh,

240
00:14:44,120 --> 00:14:48,400
"Right, lads, I've, I've got some news you might be expecting."

241
00:14:49,920 --> 00:14:57,160
And for some reason I heard this right, and I leant into Jacko and I said em, I said, "I'm no' pregnant."

242
00:14:57,160 --> 00:15:01,560
Right, cos, cos he'd said, expecting, ken like...

243
00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:06,000
..a baby. You know that sayin', right,

244
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:10,960
and it might no' sound that funny but Jacko started laughin', like I thought he was gonnae

245
00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:14,320
piss himself right, like honestly, I really thought he was, right.

246
00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:20,240
And the hall was, it was that quiet and our Sarge was lookin' at us from the stage,

247
00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:25,720
and cos he was laughin' so much, like, I started right, and I swear to God, I couldnae stop myself

248
00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:30,880
and every time I just about got it together, he would go, and then that would start me off again, like.

249
00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:34,080
So we're both there like trying to haud it in,

250
00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:40,760
but cryin' wi' laughter, right. There's this boy sayin' to us we're goin' out to Iraq,

251
00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:44,600
and then there's other laddies beside us trying no' tae greet.

252
00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:47,760
But it's that way, eh?

253
00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:49,600
Sometimes you've just got to laugh.

254
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,880
Especially if it's funny.

255
00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:56,720
Aye-aye!

256
00:15:56,720 --> 00:16:00,800
- So how's the birthday boy?
- Regal!

257
00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:03,160
I'm Benson and Hedges myself!

258
00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:06,640
- So what's this I hear about you buying a shop?
- Whit?

259
00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:11,640
- I never said that! 
- Well, it's all over the barracks, spread faster than my crabs!

260
00:16:11,640 --> 00:16:15,360
He's even named it - "Charlie's Shop for Shite Stuff".

261
00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:20,680
Look, see before you decide to leave us, Charlie, I've got a wee story for ye.

262
00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:22,760
See when I was a wee boy,

263
00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:25,160
there was a lad livin' on my scheme, called Fab.

264
00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:27,240
Cos he always had one of they daft lollies in his mouth.

265
00:16:27,240 --> 00:16:29,920
Fat lad, right,

266
00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:33,840
and he would always the one that would head up to your door, wantin' to play fitba.

267
00:16:33,840 --> 00:16:37,720
And the thing was, he always had a new baw, he was a spoilt kid,

268
00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:40,640
a gleamin' white leather baw,

269
00:16:40,640 --> 00:16:43,440
and see if you said naw to him, he would always keep on at ye.

270
00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:45,920
"C'mon, let's play, let's play."

271
00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:48,600
And there's somethin' about a new baw, eh?

272
00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:54,200
It makes ye want to play. Anyway, he would dae this - he would go round all the houses getting

273
00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:59,800
a team together. We go to the pitch, start the game and then about 20 minutes in, he'd pick up his ball,

274
00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:04,720
and piss aff hame, sayin' he was bored, sayin' he had to go, sayin' he was hungry, whatever.

275
00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:09,720
See after a while? A lot of kids stopped playin' wi' him, cos they were sick of him being a twat.

276
00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:12,960
But I didnae, I still went down, because I loved playing wi' a new baw.

277
00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:14,960
Do you know what I mean?

278
00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:18,000
- Naw.
- I dinnae either. Adam, what are you talking about?

279
00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:22,560
- I'm saying that.
- I'm like Fab, a fat, spoilt, selfish kid?

280
00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:25,280
- Naw, I'm saying... 
- That you like footballs?

281
00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:27,560
I did. Well, I do.

282
00:17:27,560 --> 00:17:30,400
Look... Ah, shite, I've lost my thread.

283
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:34,040
You do what you want, and people respect you for your decisions.

284
00:17:34,040 --> 00:17:36,200
I'm completely lost.

285
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:40,360
- I'm no' going tae lie to you. 
- You just think about it, right?

286
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:42,440
Oh, shit, before I forget.

287
00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:45,000
Oh, aye, it is my birthday, I'd almost forgotten!

288
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:50,160
What's this? What is this...

289
00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:51,640
a hoof?!

290
00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:55,120
It's a lucky goat's hoof. I thought you might recognise it...

291
00:17:55,120 --> 00:17:57,840
or her? It's Sally! I kept it from the barbecue!

292
00:17:57,840 --> 00:18:00,800
Are you actually kidding me?

293
00:18:00,800 --> 00:18:04,480
A charcoaled goat's hoof that was part of his present fae last year.

294
00:18:04,480 --> 00:18:07,240
- I mean, what is going on wi' the presents?
- But it's good luck!

295
00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:09,600
- A rabbit's foot is good luck! 
- Close enough!

296
00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:12,000
Right, best go, lot on today, busy-busy!

297
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:17,800
So you, enjoy your birthday. ..And you, don't be a fanny!

298
00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:22,600
Aye right, but see even if aw the wars in all the world stopped,

299
00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:24,680
you'd still need an army.

300
00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:26,880
You would.

301
00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:30,960
You just would, right, cos even if everyone promised that they would

302
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:36,560
never, ever be any more hassle, you'd still be, like, "They're lying".

303
00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:39,880
Ken that way, when someone says something and you think,

304
00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:42,680
"They're lying". But you dinnae change your face,

305
00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:46,720
you just keep it, like, really still and you might even say,

306
00:18:46,720 --> 00:18:49,080
"Oh, right? Oh, that's good,"

307
00:18:49,080 --> 00:18:52,560
but you're thinking "They're lying".

308
00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:58,000
But, I tell you when you see it the most, right, see when Gordon Broon,

309
00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:02,800
or any other, ken, top boy meets another top boy, or girl, right,

310
00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:06,040
in front of number nine or the White Hoose or whatever,

311
00:19:06,040 --> 00:19:09,320
see when they dae that thing for all the photos,

312
00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:14,160
when they like shake hands, and they're smiling and they'll say,

313
00:19:14,160 --> 00:19:21,800
"I promise we are the bestest friends ever, cross my heart, hope to die,

314
00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:24,720
"you can come up to the tree house," and all that.

315
00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:27,480
You just think "They're lying".

316
00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:30,440
But he said to come back, and this is me back!

317
00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:32,000
He's just popped out.

318
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:36,560
I'm sorry I cannae help you, I only deal wi' grenades.

319
00:19:36,560 --> 00:19:38,080
What kind of gun was it?

320
00:19:38,080 --> 00:19:41,400
One like Big Arnie Schwarzenegger's in Commando.

321
00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:43,920
Popular. I'll have a look.

322
00:19:50,040 --> 00:19:52,840
Naw. It's no' there. Sorry. You'll have to come back later.

323
00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:55,080
It's no' there, that's pure shady man!

324
00:19:57,480 --> 00:20:03,160
- What a spoon, eh? 
- I must say, Charlie, your customer service standards are exemplary.

325
00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:05,760
There's hope for your shite shop yet.

326
00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:16,000
Charlie, dinnae, it's Julie! She's supposed to be at the bingo.

327
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:17,520
Maybe she won!

328
00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:20,240
LAUGHTER

329
00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:22,920
< Come on!

330
00:20:26,360 --> 00:20:28,760
Gary, don't just stand there, help me, it's on fire!

331
00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:30,440
Put it down then.

332
00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:32,120
- I cannae!
- Just put it down.

333
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:38,160
See I lit the candles in the car, cos I wanted to open the box and then they would be lit

334
00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:43,440
and that would be really exciting, but then the whole box went on fire! That's why I was driving like that.

335
00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:45,800
I think it's really improved your driving!

336
00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:50,400
Shut up, Jacko! I hardly ever crash now. Oh...

337
00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:53,320
- Surprise!
- Oh, aye! Surprise!

338
00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:55,040
Surprise.

339
00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:58,280
- What?
- Come on!

340
00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:02,960
# Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you... # Charlie!

341
00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:06,200
# Happy birthday, brilliant Gary

342
00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:11,040
# Happy birthday to you! #

343
00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:17,560
Very tuneful. A lot like Songs Of Praise, but in praise of me. Bring it in then.

344
00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:22,960
'Soulja boy.

345
00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:26,320
'I got the new dance for y'all called the soulja boy.'

346
00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:30,200
# You gotta punch then crank back three time from left to right

347
00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:36,840
# Soulja boy in it, oh Watch me crank it, watch me roll

348
00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:39,760
# Watch me crank dat soulja boy Then superman dat oh

349
00:21:39,760 --> 00:21:42,000
# Now watch me, you Crank dat soulja boy

350
00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:44,200
# Crank dat soulja boy Now watch me you

351
00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:47,000
# Crank dat soulja boy Now watch me you

352
00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:48,840
# Soldier boy off in this oh

353
00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:50,600
# Watch me crank it, watch me roll

354
00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:53,360
# Watch me crank day soulja boy Then superman dat oh

355
00:21:53,360 --> 00:21:55,720
# Now watch me you Crank dat soulja boy

356
00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:59,080
# You crank dat soulja boy Now I mean you crank dat soulja boy

357
00:21:59,080 --> 00:22:00,640
# You crank dat soulja boy

358
00:22:00,640 --> 00:22:04,320
# Soulja boy off in this oh Watch me lean and watch me rock

359
00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:05,960
# Superman that oh! #

360
00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:08,320
THEY CHEER

361
00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:12,200
That's quite a nice cake, Julie.

362
00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:13,800
And who's that?

363
00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:16,760
Only your famous friend that you share a birthday with!

364
00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:18,320
Who, Oprah Winfrey?

365
00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:20,280
No, Osama Bin Laden!

366
00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:23,560
Really? I share the same birthday as Osama Bin Laden.

367
00:22:23,560 --> 00:22:27,120
Well, that'll give us something to talk about if I ever meet him, eh?

368
00:22:27,120 --> 00:22:30,960
Oh, aye, cheeky wee man, I see it noo, with his beard and that, eh?

369
00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:33,280
You see, this is mare like a birthday noo.

370
00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:39,360
I knew ye's were up tae something what with those stupid t-shirts and that hoof, eh?

371
00:22:39,360 --> 00:22:43,160
- What did ye's really get me? 
- That t-shirt was good.
- So was mine.

372
00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:45,120
Adam?

373
00:22:48,240 --> 00:22:51,000
Awright, it wisnae just the hoof...

374
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:53,320
ta-da!

375
00:22:53,320 --> 00:22:55,400
That's nice, Gary.

376
00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:57,080
Look, it's you!

377
00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:05,880
It is nice to get presents from home, em,

378
00:23:05,880 --> 00:23:08,480
although last time I was oot there,

379
00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:11,360
my aunty sent me Halford's vouchers,

380
00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:16,120
15 quid's worth.

381
00:23:16,120 --> 00:23:19,280
Gary, I got this for you,

382
00:23:19,280 --> 00:23:21,240
- happy birthday.
- Thanks very much.

383
00:23:21,240 --> 00:23:23,480
It's not a t-shirt or an animal part is it?

384
00:23:23,480 --> 00:23:25,440
It's a goose!

385
00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:27,440
That was a joke that didnae work.

386
00:23:27,440 --> 00:23:29,760
Just open it!

387
00:23:33,280 --> 00:23:39,520
Oh, look at that, eh? We could put that on a t-shirt wi' a slogan, eh?

388
00:23:39,520 --> 00:23:42,480
Yeah! See, instead of "I'm a fanny" we could have, like,

389
00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:48,400
"We are brilliant, and totally hard and we won the war, stop messin' wi' us, ever, cos we're heroes."

390
00:23:48,400 --> 00:23:50,240
I like that, Julie.

391
00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:54,560
Yous are heroes.

392
00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:56,920
You know what I like about this wan?

393
00:23:56,920 --> 00:23:59,680
- You're all smiling. 
- Aye, we werenae long out.

394
00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:02,960
I remember that day, cos we'd had, eh, sponge wi' custard.

395
00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:06,720
- Yous have got such a great job. 
- It wis good sponge that. I liked it.

396
00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:10,120
Aye, you wouldnae get sponge wi' custard if you worked in a shoap.

397
00:24:10,120 --> 00:24:13,480
- You might.
- Shut up, Charlie. That's a good present, Julie.

398
00:24:13,480 --> 00:24:16,960
- Thanks.
- Sorry to interrupt,

399
00:24:16,960 --> 00:24:20,360
I was looking for some on duty soldiers

400
00:24:20,360 --> 00:24:26,920
but it seems I've drifted into a really shit birthday party.

401
00:24:26,920 --> 00:24:30,520
- Sorry, Major. 
- Sergeant.
- Major Sergeant.

402
00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:35,120
It's aw my fault, see, what it wis wis, I was trying to organise a birthday party for Gary

403
00:24:35,120 --> 00:24:39,040
- but then the cake went on fire in the car, so that was something. 
- On your way.

404
00:24:39,040 --> 00:24:41,760
Oh, nice t-shirt, by the way.

405
00:24:41,760 --> 00:24:43,920
Funny and factual.

406
00:24:43,920 --> 00:24:46,360
Thanks, Major. Oh, help yourself to cake.

407
00:24:46,360 --> 00:24:47,840
Right, I'll see you later.

408
00:24:52,920 --> 00:24:55,640
I was expecting some mail today.

409
00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:58,320
Was that a letter addressed to Sergeant Thomson?

410
00:24:58,320 --> 00:24:59,480
Get me that letter!

411
00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:06,840
- Sorry, Sergeant. 
- Shut up, Postman Pat!

412
00:25:09,240 --> 00:25:12,920
So, leaving your post, lads, pretty serious, eh?

413
00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:16,920
Preventing soldiers from doing their duty, not good.

414
00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:19,920
- But leaving the army altogether. 
- I never said I was leaving.

415
00:25:19,920 --> 00:25:24,640
Well, you better tell me what you did say because the rumour is you've bought a shop in Carlisle!

416
00:25:24,640 --> 00:25:29,040
Naw, I was just thinking about it, and then I said to Gary.

417
00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:30,800
- About his shoap.
- Enough.

418
00:25:30,800 --> 00:25:35,000
So he's thinking about running a shop, anyone else?

419
00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:38,480
I did say something about the zoo, but I hadnae really thought it through.

420
00:25:38,480 --> 00:25:42,120
So, a shopkeeper, a zookeeper. What about you monkeys?

421
00:25:42,120 --> 00:25:44,040
DOOR OPENS

422
00:25:44,040 --> 00:25:48,040
- Sorry to interrupt, but there's a man here to collect a gun.
- What?

423
00:25:56,360 --> 00:25:58,920
I don't care if you do have a note from your mum!

424
00:25:58,920 --> 00:26:01,240
Read my lips - fuck off!

425
00:26:15,160 --> 00:26:20,520
Lads, I'm trying really hard to forget the past few minutes.

426
00:26:20,520 --> 00:26:24,880
Now, if I'm going tae open this envelope I need to know if we're a unit or no.

427
00:26:24,880 --> 00:26:28,760
Never mind thinking about a shop or a zoo, or whatever.

428
00:26:28,760 --> 00:26:31,000
Are yous in, or are yous out?

429
00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:33,760
- Jackson?
- Sarge, I'm in.

430
00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:35,840
- Kenning.
- Definitely in!

431
00:26:35,840 --> 00:26:38,720
McLintoch?

432
00:26:38,720 --> 00:26:39,760
Ahm in.

433
00:26:39,760 --> 00:26:41,440
Smith?

434
00:26:45,920 --> 00:26:48,200
Aye. I'm in.

435
00:26:48,200 --> 00:26:55,360
OK. Now, in future, you think about tying your shoe laces you come tae me first, do ye understand?

436
00:26:55,360 --> 00:26:58,080
Sarge.

437
00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:07,400
You're going out.

438
00:27:14,200 --> 00:27:18,600
To the old folks home, as part of our community relations programme.

439
00:27:18,600 --> 00:27:22,480
You will all be required to memorise an old war song and lead the singing.

440
00:27:22,480 --> 00:27:25,560
# We'll meet again

441
00:27:25,560 --> 00:27:27,680
# Dinny ken where. #

442
00:27:30,840 --> 00:27:33,800
So, is that it?

443
00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:39,920
No, you and Dame Vera Lynne's commitment to being idiots has earned you extended guard duty!

444
00:27:39,920 --> 00:27:42,080
But, Sarge, it's my birthday!

445
00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:45,560
And you can cry if you want to.

446
00:27:45,560 --> 00:27:48,400
Oh, it would have been a shite shop.

447
00:27:48,400 --> 00:27:51,360
The rates in Carlisle are no as cheap as you might think.

448
00:27:51,360 --> 00:27:54,040
My brother's got a banjo shop in the centre of town.

449
00:27:54,040 --> 00:27:55,560
Think on.

450
00:28:09,040 --> 00:28:10,640
FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

451
00:28:16,800 --> 00:28:20,200
Two minutes tae it's no your birthday,

452
00:28:20,200 --> 00:28:21,760
any last words?

453
00:28:25,400 --> 00:28:27,240
# Happy birthday, Gary!

454
00:28:27,240 --> 00:28:29,120
# Happy birthday, Gary.

455
00:28:29,120 --> 00:28:31,960
# Dun-dun do dun-unuda. #

456
00:28:48,840 --> 00:28:51,880
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

457
00:28:51,880 --> 00:28:54,920
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk