This programme contains some strong language.
LAUGHTER
- I think we'll have to have... - A wee change of tactic there, son.
Aye, gie him a soft one.
I'll gie him a soft one nae bother, right, underarm.
Right, Charlie, Charlie, we'll go underarm, right?
Ready? One...two...three.
Hey! LAUGHTER
Is that my Koala mug?
You're pure oot!
HE ROARS
Attention!
# Happy birthday to ya, Gary!
# Happy Birthday to ya, Gary Happy birthday!
# Happy birthday to ya, Gary. #
You're happy.
It's my birthday!
You're stuck in here stagging on!
Doesnae bother me. I could be getting chased down the street
off a pack of stags and it wouldnae matter...cos?
- It's your birthday. - Aye. Is that a card for me?
No' unless you've changed your name to Sergeant Thomson.
No, I haven't. What is it?
Don't know. Special MoD courier.
- Must be important, eh? - Let me see?
- Hmm...paper. - Aye?
Are you sure it's no' a mug, or a hammer?
- That's a rubbish joke, cos it's clearly paper or card at best. - Aye, but what's written on it?
"Congratulations! You have been selected for our free prize draw."
A three-month posting to Afghanistan!
- Where did that come fae? - It could be though, eh? - How?
- People have been saying. - What?
- That we might be going out. - Ach, people say stuff all the time.
Last week they were saying you could get flu fae pigs! Doesnae mean it's true!
BUZZER
- Can I help you? - Aye!
- We're after a gun! - A gun?
Aye, a gun! You ever heard of them?
Aye, what kind of gun?
- Whit? - Gun, what kind of gun, there's loads of them.
- I thought that's what you wanted? - Aye. What have you got?
Eh...got a hand gun, machine gun, laser gun?
- Laser gun?! - No, that's just a wee joke.
Oh, right. I want one like big Arnie's got in Commando!
Right, well that sounds like a great film.
Is that the one where he's got that funny wee twin?
- Naw, it's the film where he's got a big gun. - Right. OK.
Well, I tell you the best thing to do is, eh, I'll buzz you through and get your details, all right?
OK. So what's your name?
Eddy.
Eddy, Eddy what?
Just Eddy.
Right like, eh, Madonna or Sinitta.
OK.
So Eddy, did you have a budget in mind?
Aye, 50 cash...
and 25 cheque.
Well, I'm sure we'll be able to get you something for that.
- Now is it a gift? Or is it for yourself? - Just myself. - OK.
So, you're after a machine gun like the one Arnie's got in Commando for 50 cash, 25 cheque?
So now it's just a matter of the money and three pieces of ID.
I've no' got three pieces of ID.
We will need that or two and a note from your mum.
Right, I'll need to go home.
Pop home, get the documentation, and we'll see you shortly.
- What time do yous close at? - Eh, six sharp.
Right, keep it for us.
- Certainly, sir. - Cheers, mate!
You should have said, eh... "I'll be back."
Doesnae matter.
I don't know
if it's a bad thing
to adopt a poor baby from Africa.
Could you trust it, though?
I mean, I'm no' saying it would be a bad baby, right.
It's just when you're poor, you know, you're maybe used to stealing.
Like in Oliver Twist, right, see,
I don't actually think the Artful Dodger was a bad guy, right.
He was just used to stealing hankies, and that was the way he'd been brought up.
And like, Oliver,
you know, from Oliver Twist right,
he then became part of the hankie gang, right, because that was
his new family, so like it all depends on who's round you, eh?
Like I once seen a documentary about a girl that was brought up by cats in Russia.
I think it was cats, was it cats?
A pack of cats?
Is that right, a pack of cats? Anyway right, eh, when they found her she was in a right state.
I think it was Moscow.
Anyway right, anyway, she was doin' stuff like a cat,
ken, like quite moody and that, but, oh, it just makes you think, eh?
I wonder what it would be like to be brought up by animals,
like penguins,
or cows,
cos it does happen, eh?
Sometimes it makes you really appreciate what you've got.
Look at you!
What?
Staring at that envelope like it's a matter of life or death.
Very funny! Who was that?
Just a guy trying tae buy a gun.
- No' another one? - Aye.
- Is he coming back? - Aye, in a bit.
Just put it down.
Think about something more positive,
like my birthday!
Are you no even bothered?
Nut, no' the day, cos it's my birthday.
# Happy birthday to me, Gary
# Happy birthday dear Ga-ary! #
- There ye go. - What's this?
It's your present.
Oh...
which I see you've wrapped nicely in a plastic bag.
- Oh, I didnae have time! - That's all right. Well, it might be.
What's this?
- Oh. - Remember when that was taken?
- Nut, cos I was asleep. - Aye, but remember.
You'd been stagging on for 20 hours, and you came back and you were that tired, you were slurring your words.
And then you tried to eat a bar of chocolate and fell asleep - couldnae wake you up!
Aye, so you wrote "Dick" on my forehead?
That's reassuring, what if I'd been deid?
- And then Thomson came in. - And took a photie and now...
it's a fashion range!
You never know, it might take off.
Imagine, T-shirts wi' your face on it - you'd get kids out in the street wearing them!
And then we could get different ones wi' different pictures like "fanny" and "baws" written across your face.
Right. That's enough. Thanks. Well, thanks for that.
- Remember it was your birthday no' long after? - How can I forget?
What about that present we got you, you were spoilt!
- What was her name, Sally? - Aye. Sally the goat. She liked you.
Naw, she never.
- She ate my sheets! - Oh, that was funny.
And shat in my boots.
That wasnae Sally!
GIGGLING
Just to let anyone know who hasnae heard.
Today is my birthday!
Thank you.
What are you doing?
- Nothing, just... - Just looking like you've watched too many Murder She Wrotes.
I just want to know if we're going out.
What, me and you? Naw, we're no', it would never work.
Can you no' be serious for just one second?
Aye, sorry.
Forget about it!
Look, if we're going out, we're going out. If we're no', we're no'.
It still doesn't change the fact that today is my birthday!
And so I'm no' thinking about that.
Doesnae mean I cannae think about it.
Right, well what is it you're thinking about so loudly?
Don't know. It just makes you think a wee bit, eh?
If you weren't doing this, then what would you do?
Right, so that's what this is all about, right -
- you're dreaming of pastries new. - Maybe.
So what's it this time, fireman again?
- Midwife? - Shut up. Have you never thought about doing anything else?
'Course I have!
Sometimes I dream about being the guy in the zoo that feeds the giraffe,
but that's just fantasy, Charlie, I could never dae that!
- How no? - Cos I'm no' tall enough.
- So what would you do if you werenae doing this? - I'm no' sure,
maybe a shop, sell stuff?
Oh. That sounds like a great shop. What kind of stuff?
I don't know, I'm just thinking.
Well, if I were you, I'd stop thinkin' and put that envelope down,
cos at the moment all you've got is a shop that sells "stuff" and I'm no dragon fae the den, right,
but see if the bank says to you, "What d'you want the money for?" And you say, "Oh, my shop,"
and they go, "Oh, that's really exciting, what are ye gonna sell?" And you go, "Stuff".
They're gonna say, "Well ye're no gonnae get the money, have you thought about a career in the Army?"
Aw right, you finished?
For now, I may give you more advice as I see fit.
I have become so knowledgeable since my recent advance in age.
Ya fanny!
MOBILE RINGTONE
Oh, that'll be another birthday well wisher.
Have you ever had a text, Charlie?
No. "Happy birthday, is it today?
"I'm sure it's today, is it? Tell me it is. Phone you in a minute. Julie."
- I'm away to do the perimeter. - Very well,
but may I request that on your return that you avoid the talking of so much shite.
Enjoy the walk, dear boy!
No, eh, I don't vote myself, but um,
but that's cos...
you know, everything's OK.
I'm quite happy, you know,
I don't see the point. We've got shops and...
a cinema.
I mean, I think they should vote, I think they should. I mean,
that's why that woman got hit by a horse.
So that they could get the vote so,
I think they should. I mean if they want good shops,
if they want a McDonalds, if they want, you know, like,
an HMV or whatever, that's what you need to do.
So, um,
I think for them...
..that's important, that's what a democracy is.
LAUGHTER
That is funny, eh, look at you!
What a cock!
And it says "dick"!
Aye, I see that.
Em, did you and Charlie perhaps talk about getting a T-shirt done with this picture on it?
How?
Watch.
Bastard!
I said I was getting it!
But mine is better. "What a cock" is funnier than "Yes, I'm in charge."
Aye, it's a close call, eh, I'll maybe choose which one to wear later.
- Aw right? - Ho! I said I was getting the T-shirt?
Naw, I was getting it.
- What's that? - That's the T-shirt.
The funny one. Yours is shite.
"What a cock." That's no' very nice.
- It's a joke! - Aye, but they're both really funny, so thanks for that. It's the thought.
So what's all this bullshit you've been spouting?
- What? - I've told him about your shop.
- What shop? - You thinking about jacking it in? - I never said that!
I was just thinking what I would be doing if I wasnae doing this?
Yeah. Well, don't bother thinking about it, cos it'll no' happen,
cos I don't want some wee fanny o' a replacement. I'm just about used to you!
- Is that a compliment? - No, it's no'!
I'm just saying dinnae... go and open a shop, right?
- See Jacko, he's got himsel' in a right state over this. - What is it?
- Well, that's 64 pound question, eh? - A letter for Sarge, it might be sayin' we're going back out?
- So what are you greetin' about? If we are, we are. - That's what I said. But he's kind of a bit worried.
Naw, I'm no'!
It just makes you think a bit, eh?
Have you never thought about doing anything else?
Nut. Even if I had, I wouldnae tell you - not unless I was actually going to do it.
- Well, maybe I will dae it! - All right, well do it then!
- Stop milking it! - I'm no' milking it! - Em.
Did yous keep the receipt for these? Cos I'm gonna be honest,
I'm no' convinced.
Aye, I do remember the first time they telt us we were going out.
They had us in this...
like, big hall.
And, eh, the Major was there, ken?
Posh apples in his mouth, and, eh, he says, eh,
"Right, lads, I've, I've got some news you might be expecting."
And for some reason I heard this right, and I leant into Jacko and I said em, I said, "I'm no' pregnant."
Right, cos, cos he'd said, expecting, ken like...
..a baby. You know that sayin', right,
and it might no' sound that funny but Jacko started laughin', like I thought he was gonnae
piss himself right, like honestly, I really thought he was, right.
And the hall was, it was that quiet and our Sarge was lookin' at us from the stage,
and cos he was laughin' so much, like, I started right, and I swear to God, I couldnae stop myself
and every time I just about got it together, he would go, and then that would start me off again, like.
So we're both there like trying to haud it in,
but cryin' wi' laughter, right. There's this boy sayin' to us we're goin' out to Iraq,
and then there's other laddies beside us trying no' tae greet.
But it's that way, eh?
Sometimes you've just got to laugh.
Especially if it's funny.
Aye-aye!
- So how's the birthday boy? - Regal!
I'm Benson and Hedges myself!
- So what's this I hear about you buying a shop? - Whit?
- I never said that! - Well, it's all over the barracks, spread faster than my crabs!
He's even named it - "Charlie's Shop for Shite Stuff".
Look, see before you decide to leave us, Charlie, I've got a wee story for ye.
See when I was a wee boy,
there was a lad livin' on my scheme, called Fab.
Cos he always had one of they daft lollies in his mouth.
Fat lad, right,
and he would always the one that would head up to your door, wantin' to play fitba.
And the thing was, he always had a new baw, he was a spoilt kid,
a gleamin' white leather baw,
and see if you said naw to him, he would always keep on at ye.
"C'mon, let's play, let's play."
And there's somethin' about a new baw, eh?
It makes ye want to play. Anyway, he would dae this - he would go round all the houses getting
a team together. We go to the pitch, start the game and then about 20 minutes in, he'd pick up his ball,
and piss aff hame, sayin' he was bored, sayin' he had to go, sayin' he was hungry, whatever.
See after a while? A lot of kids stopped playin' wi' him, cos they were sick of him being a twat.
But I didnae, I still went down, because I loved playing wi' a new baw.
Do you know what I mean?
- Naw. - I dinnae either. Adam, what are you talking about?
- I'm saying that. - I'm like Fab, a fat, spoilt, selfish kid?
- Naw, I'm saying... - That you like footballs?
I did. Well, I do.
Look... Ah, shite, I've lost my thread.
You do what you want, and people respect you for your decisions.
I'm completely lost.
- I'm no' going tae lie to you. - You just think about it, right?
Oh, shit, before I forget.
Oh, aye, it is my birthday, I'd almost forgotten!
What's this? What is this...
a hoof?!
It's a lucky goat's hoof. I thought you might recognise it...
or her? It's Sally! I kept it from the barbecue!
Are you actually kidding me?
A charcoaled goat's hoof that was part of his present fae last year.
- I mean, what is going on wi' the presents? - But it's good luck!
- A rabbit's foot is good luck! - Close enough!
Right, best go, lot on today, busy-busy!
So you, enjoy your birthday. ..And you, don't be a fanny!
Aye right, but see even if aw the wars in all the world stopped,
you'd still need an army.
You would.
You just would, right, cos even if everyone promised that they would
never, ever be any more hassle, you'd still be, like, "They're lying".
Ken that way, when someone says something and you think,
"They're lying". But you dinnae change your face,
you just keep it, like, really still and you might even say,
"Oh, right? Oh, that's good,"
but you're thinking "They're lying".
But, I tell you when you see it the most, right, see when Gordon Broon,
or any other, ken, top boy meets another top boy, or girl, right,
in front of number nine or the White Hoose or whatever,
see when they dae that thing for all the photos,
when they like shake hands, and they're smiling and they'll say,
"I promise we are the bestest friends ever, cross my heart, hope to die,
"you can come up to the tree house," and all that.
You just think "They're lying".
But he said to come back, and this is me back!
He's just popped out.
I'm sorry I cannae help you, I only deal wi' grenades.
What kind of gun was it?
One like Big Arnie Schwarzenegger's in Commando.
Popular. I'll have a look.
Naw. It's no' there. Sorry. You'll have to come back later.
It's no' there, that's pure shady man!
- What a spoon, eh? - I must say, Charlie, your customer service standards are exemplary.
There's hope for your shite shop yet.
Charlie, dinnae, it's Julie! She's supposed to be at the bingo.
Maybe she won!
LAUGHTER
< Come on!
Gary, don't just stand there, help me, it's on fire!
Put it down then.
- I cannae! - Just put it down.
See I lit the candles in the car, cos I wanted to open the box and then they would be lit
and that would be really exciting, but then the whole box went on fire! That's why I was driving like that.
I think it's really improved your driving!
Shut up, Jacko! I hardly ever crash now. Oh...
- Surprise! - Oh, aye! Surprise!
Surprise.
- What? - Come on!
# Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you... # Charlie!
# Happy birthday, brilliant Gary
# Happy birthday to you! #
Very tuneful. A lot like Songs Of Praise, but in praise of me. Bring it in then.
'Soulja boy.
'I got the new dance for y'all called the soulja boy.'
# You gotta punch then crank back three time from left to right
# Soulja boy in it, oh Watch me crank it, watch me roll
# Watch me crank dat soulja boy Then superman dat oh
# Now watch me, you Crank dat soulja boy
# Crank dat soulja boy Now watch me you
# Soldier boy off in this oh
# Watch me crank it, watch me roll
# Watch me crank day soulja boy Then superman dat oh
# Now watch me you Crank dat soulja boy
# You crank dat soulja boy Now I mean you crank dat soulja boy
# You crank dat soulja boy
# Soulja boy off in this oh Watch me lean and watch me rock
# Superman that oh! #
THEY CHEER
That's quite a nice cake, Julie.
And who's that?
Only your famous friend that you share a birthday with!
Who, Oprah Winfrey?
No, Osama Bin Laden!
Really? I share the same birthday as Osama Bin Laden.
Well, that'll give us something to talk about if I ever meet him, eh?
Oh, aye, cheeky wee man, I see it noo, with his beard and that, eh?
You see, this is mare like a birthday noo.
I knew ye's were up tae something what with those stupid t-shirts and that hoof, eh?
- What did ye's really get me? - That t-shirt was good. - So was mine.
Adam?
Awright, it wisnae just the hoof...
ta-da!
That's nice, Gary.
Look, it's you!
It is nice to get presents from home, em,
although last time I was oot there,
my aunty sent me Halford's vouchers,
15 quid's worth.
Gary, I got this for you,
- happy birthday. - Thanks very much.
It's not a t-shirt or an animal part is it?
It's a goose!
That was a joke that didnae work.
Just open it!
Oh, look at that, eh? We could put that on a t-shirt wi' a slogan, eh?
Yeah! See, instead of "I'm a fanny" we could have, like,
"We are brilliant, and totally hard and we won the war, stop messin' wi' us, ever, cos we're heroes."
I like that, Julie.
Yous are heroes.
You know what I like about this wan?
- You're all smiling. - Aye, we werenae long out.
I remember that day, cos we'd had, eh, sponge wi' custard.
- Yous have got such a great job. - It wis good sponge that. I liked it.
Aye, you wouldnae get sponge wi' custard if you worked in a shoap.
- You might. - Shut up, Charlie. That's a good present, Julie.
- Thanks. - Sorry to interrupt,
I was looking for some on duty soldiers
but it seems I've drifted into a really shit birthday party.
- Sorry, Major. - Sergeant. - Major Sergeant.
It's aw my fault, see, what it wis wis, I was trying to organise a birthday party for Gary
- but then the cake went on fire in the car, so that was something. - On your way.
Oh, nice t-shirt, by the way.
Funny and factual.
Thanks, Major. Oh, help yourself to cake.
Right, I'll see you later.
I was expecting some mail today.
Was that a letter addressed to Sergeant Thomson?
Get me that letter!
- Sorry, Sergeant. - Shut up, Postman Pat!
So, leaving your post, lads, pretty serious, eh?
Preventing soldiers from doing their duty, not good.
- But leaving the army altogether. - I never said I was leaving.
Well, you better tell me what you did say because the rumour is you've bought a shop in Carlisle!
Naw, I was just thinking about it, and then I said to Gary.
- About his shoap. - Enough.
So he's thinking about running a shop, anyone else?
I did say something about the zoo, but I hadnae really thought it through.
So, a shopkeeper, a zookeeper. What about you monkeys?
DOOR OPENS
- Sorry to interrupt, but there's a man here to collect a gun. - What?
I don't care if you do have a note from your mum!
Read my lips - fuck off!
Lads, I'm trying really hard to forget the past few minutes.
Now, if I'm going tae open this envelope I need to know if we're a unit or no.
Never mind thinking about a shop or a zoo, or whatever.
Are yous in, or are yous out?
- Jackson? - Sarge, I'm in.
- Kenning. - Definitely in!
McLintoch?
Ahm in.
Smith?
Aye. I'm in.
OK. Now, in future, you think about tying your shoe laces you come tae me first, do ye understand?
Sarge.
You're going out.
To the old folks home, as part of our community relations programme.
You will all be required to memorise an old war song and lead the singing.
# We'll meet again
# Dinny ken where. #
So, is that it?
No, you and Dame Vera Lynne's commitment to being idiots has earned you extended guard duty!
But, Sarge, it's my birthday!
And you can cry if you want to.
Oh, it would have been a shite shop.
The rates in Carlisle are no as cheap as you might think.
My brother's got a banjo shop in the centre of town.
Think on.
FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
Two minutes tae it's no your birthday,
any last words?
# Happy birthday, Gary!
# Happy birthday, Gary.
# Dun-dun do dun-unuda. #
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk