1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,120 - Hai! - Hai! - Hai! 2 00:00:03,120 --> 00:00:04,920 - Hai! - Hai! - Hai! 3 00:00:04,920 --> 00:00:06,440 - Hiya! - Hiya! 4 00:00:41,480 --> 00:00:44,440 HUM OF CHATTER 5 00:00:52,680 --> 00:00:54,200 Stand easy. 6 00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:58,600 OK, chaps, first up, huge congrats. 7 00:00:58,600 --> 00:01:00,520 Mission, er, done. 8 00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:05,040 Now I know we're all looking forward to getting home soon to see Mummy, but unfortunately... 9 00:01:05,040 --> 00:01:06,880 Oh, God... 10 00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:10,240 Oh... I'm a little 11 00:01:10,240 --> 00:01:14,920 bit under the... Sergeant, I'll leave you... Oh. 12 00:01:14,920 --> 00:01:18,320 Thank you, Captain. A rousing send-off indeed. 13 00:01:18,320 --> 00:01:19,840 Best of luck. 14 00:01:19,840 --> 00:01:22,200 OK, beetroots, listen up. 15 00:01:22,200 --> 00:01:25,560 Your 48 hours of decompression awaits 16 00:01:25,560 --> 00:01:29,120 and I know you're more desperate to go than my incontinent grandmother. 17 00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:31,880 However, thanks to the delay caused by 18 00:01:31,880 --> 00:01:39,000 Tony Taliban and his terrible chums, your Crab Air flight to Cyprus has been filled and has now departed. 19 00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:40,760 GRUMBLING 20 00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:44,680 Naw! I swear to God I've had it up to here with Anthony Taliban. 21 00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:48,200 Well said, Corporal. The Tony Ts are total dicks. 22 00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:50,720 How would they feel if we delayed them to their flight to Cyprus? 23 00:01:50,720 --> 00:01:53,760 I'm sure they wouldnae be too fussed, they're quite a homely bunch really. 24 00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:55,480 Aye, they don't stay at home enough for me. 25 00:01:55,480 --> 00:01:57,160 This is a nightmare. 26 00:01:57,160 --> 00:02:01,960 I'm meant to be meeting Big Glenda the medic in Cyprus for a special examination. 27 00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:05,000 As in, first come, first served, Glenda? 28 00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:07,920 First served, first come, ma boy! 29 00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:13,840 Shut up! Now I suggest you lot make the most of the concrete floor and get some kip. 30 00:02:13,840 --> 00:02:17,360 Updates will be given on a need-to-know basis. Of course, you lot... 31 00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:18,920 ALL: Don't need to know. 32 00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:23,560 At ease. Oh, what a relief. 33 00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:28,480 Back chimney swept. Now, I take it, Sergeant, you've told the 34 00:02:28,480 --> 00:02:30,720 men about you and I, er, you know? 35 00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:33,040 WOLF WHISTLE 36 00:02:35,920 --> 00:02:38,440 Thank you, Captain, I was just getting to it. 37 00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:42,200 Due to important MoD business, Captain Fanshaw and I won't be 38 00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:48,040 joining you on the flight out as we've been asked to meet and greet a visiting dignitary. 39 00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:51,720 Ross Kemp. So there you are. 40 00:02:51,720 --> 00:02:53,760 Looking forward to it. 41 00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:56,000 Right, at ease. 42 00:02:56,000 --> 00:03:00,600 You heard the Captain, carry on. 43 00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:02,920 Ross Kemp? 44 00:03:02,920 --> 00:03:06,080 - Dignitary my arse. - At least he comes out. 45 00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:08,640 - Has he come out? - Aye aye. 46 00:03:08,640 --> 00:03:13,560 I dinnae mind Ross Kemp, it's his brother I don't like - Phil. 47 00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:15,600 He looks like a Scotch egg. 48 00:03:15,600 --> 00:03:19,880 I hate eggs, Scotch or foreign. 49 00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:21,480 You mean Phil Mitchell? 50 00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:23,160 Aye, his brother. 51 00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:27,640 Ross Kemp and his brother Phil Mitchell? 52 00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:31,880 All right then, his half brother. 53 00:03:37,440 --> 00:03:42,600 I couldnae really tell you what's happened to the war on terror. 54 00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:45,160 I think it's still going. 55 00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:47,360 It's a bit like that soap, Doctors. 56 00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:50,360 It's still on, but naebody's really interested in it. 57 00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:55,320 I mean, is it really too much to ask to get here on time, get on 58 00:03:55,320 --> 00:03:59,840 the flight, have a sleep, wake up in Cyprus, have a brilliant time, win a scratch card and go home? 59 00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:02,200 Is that too much to ask? Was it? 60 00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:04,720 - Seems pretty reasonable to me. - I cannae wait to get back. 61 00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:08,320 I'm gonnae get pished and laid, in that order. 62 00:04:08,320 --> 00:04:13,240 - Lucky her. - Aye. - See when I get back, I just want to sit down with a cup of tea and read the paper. 63 00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:15,680 What, then go down the Post Office and pick up your pension? 64 00:04:15,680 --> 00:04:19,040 Hope it's raining and all, I like that cool drizzle on my face. 65 00:04:19,040 --> 00:04:21,520 I fancy a run up the back woods. 66 00:04:21,520 --> 00:04:26,040 - Drizzle and a run? Are youse kidding me? - Naw. 67 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:28,600 A run when it's no burning my lungs? 68 00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:31,840 - Cool air. Nice. - Aye, you willnae be saying that in a week. 69 00:04:31,840 --> 00:04:34,320 You'll be wishing you were back here on Operation Burnt Coupon! 70 00:04:34,320 --> 00:04:36,400 Aye, youse have completed that mission, eh? 71 00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:38,600 - Look at the state of youse. - What are you saying? 72 00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:40,760 You were the one panic tanning. I'm bronzed. 73 00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:44,840 With me, the tan transition's usually about 72 hours. So by Wednesday, all this will be brown. 74 00:04:44,840 --> 00:04:47,440 Eh, you're talking broon. 75 00:04:47,440 --> 00:04:49,800 In 72 hours you'll still be talking broon. 76 00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:53,880 Anyway, you keep up that good chat, Charlie ma boy, cos I'm wanting some kip. 77 00:04:55,560 --> 00:04:58,320 Fail. 78 00:04:58,320 --> 00:05:01,120 Night-night ladies, sleep tight. 79 00:05:01,120 --> 00:05:03,880 Dinnae let the big massive Afghan bugs bite. 80 00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:06,800 Like... 81 00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:09,120 MUSIC: "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)" by Beyonce 82 00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:11,560 - # All the single ladies - All the single ladies 83 00:05:11,560 --> 00:05:13,960 - # All the single ladies - All the single ladies 84 00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:16,680 - # All the single ladies, - All the single ladies 85 00:05:16,680 --> 00:05:19,240 # All the single ladies Now put your hands up 86 00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:21,160 # Up in the club, we just broke up 87 00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:24,240 # I'm doing my own little thing 88 00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:26,760 # You decided to dip And now you want a trip 89 00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:28,880 # Cos another brother noticed me 90 00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:31,440 # I'm up on him He up on me 91 00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:33,640 # Don't pay him any attention 92 00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:36,640 # Just cried my tears for three good years 93 00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:38,360 # You can't be mad at me 94 00:05:38,360 --> 00:05:41,240 # Cos if you liked it Then you should have put a ring on it 95 00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:43,800 # If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it 96 00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:46,360 # Don't be mad once you see That he want it 97 00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:48,560 # If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it 98 00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:51,480 # Oh-oh-oh Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh 99 00:05:51,480 --> 00:05:53,280 # Oh-oh-oh-oh 100 00:05:53,280 --> 00:05:56,680 # Oh-oh-oh Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh 101 00:05:56,680 --> 00:05:58,360 # Oh-oh-oh-oh 102 00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:01,200 # If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it 103 00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:03,680 # If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it... # 104 00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:06,280 MUSIC: "Orinoco Flow" by Enya FAINTLY FROM iPOD 105 00:06:06,280 --> 00:06:10,240 GARY SINGS TUNELESSLY: # Oh-oh-oh sail away, sail away 106 00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:12,080 # Sail a... Oh-oh-oh 107 00:06:15,080 --> 00:06:17,640 # Sail away, sail away, sail... # 108 00:06:20,560 --> 00:06:23,160 - What is it? - You. Stop singing. 109 00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:24,520 I'm trying to get a kip. 110 00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:26,680 I wasn't singing. 111 00:06:26,680 --> 00:06:28,800 I was having a nice dream there. 112 00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:30,320 What aboot? 113 00:06:31,840 --> 00:06:34,080 Massive 99 114 00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:37,440 with a flake that was the size of a log. 115 00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:39,680 And the boy only charged me 20p. 116 00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:42,760 Then he was a squirrel, 117 00:06:42,760 --> 00:06:44,280 then he woke me up. 118 00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:49,720 That's funny - I was thinking of a 69. 119 00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:51,240 Wi' Glenda. 120 00:06:51,240 --> 00:06:53,480 Wi' your tiny flake? 121 00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:56,200 I've never had a 69. 122 00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:58,680 Always a 99. 123 00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:03,200 Always a flake. Sometimes with hundreds and thousands. 124 00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:05,720 SNIGGERING 125 00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:08,000 What? 126 00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:16,120 No. I cannae sleep. 127 00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:19,200 I cannae do a back flip. What do you want me to do about it? 128 00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:22,280 I was just thinking, some of it was all right, yeah? 129 00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:28,840 Aye, last week with Gary getting that beastin' off Thomson. That was brilliant. 130 00:07:28,840 --> 00:07:31,160 I thought he was going to end you. 131 00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:33,000 So did I. 132 00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:34,800 Did you do it? 133 00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:39,080 Naw. Mebbe. 134 00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:41,800 It was fun, eh? 135 00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:44,000 Superglue. 136 00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:48,920 Just his face, it was redder than a skelped arse, eh? 137 00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:52,200 Aye - it didnae help his big baldy burnt coupon. He was like that, 138 00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:56,280 "Corporal McLintoch, while you may think it's funny to leave superglue 139 00:07:56,280 --> 00:08:03,600 "on the lavvy bowl, I can assure you, if I had proof, I would court martial you for being a total bam. 140 00:08:03,600 --> 00:08:06,160 "You're so stupid you remind me of my wife, who's a pure... " 141 00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:08,720 (Ahem! Thomson!) 142 00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:14,600 "..and innocent lady." That's what I said to my uncle after I played that, 143 00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:19,000 you know, trick on him which I've never played on anyone, ever since, you know. 144 00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:24,680 And the reason he called me Corporal - because he was mental, he thought I was in the Army. 145 00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:28,080 Oh! 146 00:08:28,080 --> 00:08:29,720 Sergeant Thomson. 147 00:08:29,720 --> 00:08:31,520 What a lovely surprise. 148 00:08:31,520 --> 00:08:35,400 A few years ago, there was a boy in my platoon thought he was a joker. 149 00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:37,880 A real funny guy. But he wasn't. 150 00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:39,760 He wasn't funny at all. 151 00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:42,160 So one day we sorted him out. 152 00:08:42,160 --> 00:08:45,080 Do you want to know what we did? 153 00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:46,800 Bought him a joke book? 154 00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:49,360 Aye, a joke book to the hospital. 155 00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:52,200 Think on! 156 00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:57,560 Right, muppets, your allocated flight will leave at 0600 hours. 157 00:08:57,560 --> 00:08:59,160 GRUMBLING 158 00:08:59,160 --> 00:09:02,800 Come on, Sarge, I'm on a promise. Is there nae other flights? 159 00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:05,360 There is a flight leaving shortly, but it is full. 160 00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:10,400 So it looks like your tuppenny hoor will not be seeing your white arse and your burnt noggin' quite yet. 161 00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:12,000 Sorry Sarge, can I just check... 162 00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:14,360 Is it full as in full, or full like, ken, 163 00:09:14,360 --> 00:09:17,640 with a cinema when it's full, but oh, look, there's loads of seats? 164 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:21,920 Full as in full. As in you are full of pish. Understood? 165 00:09:21,920 --> 00:09:23,760 Yes, Sarge. Thank you. 166 00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:36,680 - 12 hours? - And seven minutes. 167 00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:40,480 I swear, if there was like a war Points of View, I would complain. 168 00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:46,080 - Twice. - Come on, boys, there's got to be another way of getting' on that flight. Ma baws are burstin'. 169 00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:50,640 - We just need to barter. - We cannae batter folk for the tickets. 170 00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:53,760 No, barter. As in exchange of goods. 171 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:56,480 What, as in... Are you talking about like swapsies? 172 00:09:56,480 --> 00:10:01,760 Aye? I'm up for that, aye, that's what I am, I'm up for that, you ken what I mean? 173 00:10:01,760 --> 00:10:07,000 Need, need, need, got, got, get on that plane, we're away, that's it. Well, let's do it then. Let's do it. 174 00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:10,040 What've we got? Get your kit out for the lads, let's see it. 175 00:10:10,040 --> 00:10:15,280 Porn cards, a book, a packet of chewing gum and a couple of pens. 176 00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:17,800 That wouldn't get us on the bus. 177 00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:20,040 That would take ages anyway. What about your iPod? 178 00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:21,960 What about yours? 179 00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:26,440 - I cannae find it. - Shut up. - I swear. 180 00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:30,280 - Pocket. - Aw thanks, I was looking for that. Ach, cannae. 181 00:10:30,280 --> 00:10:32,920 Come on, I've put my cards in. 182 00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:35,320 Aye, cards isn't the same as an iPod. 183 00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:39,080 They're classics, they don't make them like that any mair. 100% natural. Look, nae trimmin'. 184 00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:41,160 The cards are all right. 185 00:10:41,160 --> 00:10:43,080 Some other wee chugger will take them. 186 00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:45,040 The iPods are a last resort. 187 00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:48,200 I'll end up killing Charlie if I have to listen to his chat on the plane. 188 00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:51,240 Hold on, you've only put an old pair of cracked sunglasses in. 189 00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:52,800 Aye, what're you saying? 190 00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:55,720 - You only put a book in. - A book? 191 00:10:55,720 --> 00:10:57,920 War and Peace is no' just a book. 192 00:10:57,920 --> 00:11:00,680 Aye it is, front cover, back cover, pages in the middle. It's a book. 193 00:11:00,680 --> 00:11:03,400 - Have you read it? - I don't need to read it. 194 00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:06,880 It's War and Peace, I ken all aboot that. Why are you even reading it? 195 00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:09,720 It's on my list of 50 things to do before I'm 25. 196 00:11:09,720 --> 00:11:12,640 - What number are you at? - 18. - 19. Shut it. 197 00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:16,600 Right, who is the target for this? 198 00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:19,360 - Erm... - Do you know any of the RAF bods? 199 00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:22,120 - No. How? - They're in charge of the flights. 200 00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:23,680 Oh, I know, the RAF bods. 201 00:11:23,680 --> 00:11:26,680 They're in charge of the flights. Just take it right to the top. 202 00:11:26,680 --> 00:11:30,960 Take them the bag of swag, Bob's your auntie, Jeff's your new stepdad. 203 00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:33,800 Good idea. 204 00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:35,440 Four tickets, mind. 205 00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:37,000 First class. 206 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:39,000 I'll dae mair than that. 207 00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:42,200 I'll get you four tickets in pure class. 208 00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:00,560 Knock, knock. 209 00:12:04,360 --> 00:12:05,400 Knock, knock. 210 00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:07,000 Yes? 211 00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:11,800 Em, are you like, to do with the flights and that? 212 00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:13,600 Well, I hope so. I work for the RAF. 213 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:16,000 Flight Lieutenant Bradshaw. You are? 214 00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:18,840 Corporal Gary McLintoch, Army. 215 00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:20,800 Was there something in particular? 216 00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:24,680 Em, well, like, 217 00:12:24,680 --> 00:12:27,000 me and the boys, like... 218 00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:28,560 We love the RAF, honestly. 219 00:12:28,560 --> 00:12:31,080 We think it's like the best part of the Army that flies. 220 00:12:31,080 --> 00:12:33,840 And, em, I was just wondering... 221 00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:38,240 - ..do you like cards? - Playing cards? 222 00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:41,240 I play bridge when I can. 223 00:12:41,240 --> 00:12:46,000 - And have you ever read War and Peace? - Yes. In the original Russian. 224 00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:48,400 Well, you'll love this then, it's in easy to read English. 225 00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:50,000 SPEAKS RUSSIAN 226 00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:51,840 Great. Thanks. 227 00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:54,760 Do you eat chewing gum? 228 00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:57,720 Yes. Mostly after onions. 229 00:12:57,720 --> 00:12:59,400 You intae graffiti? 230 00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:01,360 - Not really. - Never mind. 231 00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:05,080 You have been selected for a free prize draw on one condition. 232 00:13:05,080 --> 00:13:07,600 That you do a swapsies for me and my boys to get on the next flight. 233 00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:12,320 Corporal, while I appreciate your offer I'm afraid I don't accept bribes. 234 00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:15,680 Although the cards would come in handy. For bridge. 235 00:13:15,680 --> 00:13:19,760 All right then, why don't you keep the cards, 236 00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:24,880 but what if I gave you these as well and you accepted them, 237 00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:27,960 and in exchange you let us on to the next flight? 238 00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:29,520 That would still be a bribe. 239 00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:31,320 - What about an iPod? - Still a bribe. - Right. 240 00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:35,280 Look, if you were to swap your wares for flight tickets with 241 00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:40,680 some of the other soldiers, without my knowledge, and without incident, and I do mean without incident, 242 00:13:40,680 --> 00:13:43,120 then that would be a matter for your concern. 243 00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:47,200 - Right, so you don't want to know that I'm going to swap these for, like, tickets for flights? - No. 244 00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:49,320 - So I shouldn't have told you. - No, that's fine. 245 00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:51,600 - Right. Should I tell someone else? - No. Discussion over. 246 00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:53,320 Good luck. 247 00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:55,360 With nothing. 248 00:13:55,360 --> 00:14:01,880 Cheers, em, Grand Master Flight Lieutenant...Bradshaw. 249 00:14:01,880 --> 00:14:07,320 Good effort though, Corporal. Can't fault you for trying to get your men home quicker. 250 00:14:07,320 --> 00:14:09,760 - Just want to get back, eh? - Aye. 251 00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:11,480 It's the wee things that you miss. 252 00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:15,880 For me it's a 69 and a flake. 253 00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:19,400 Cheers. 254 00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:35,440 Do youse want to swap your flights? 255 00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:38,440 I've got playing cards, a book and some chewing gum. 256 00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:39,640 Nah. 257 00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:43,160 LAUGHTER 258 00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:45,720 Aye, youse are laughing now, 259 00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:49,280 but you willnae be laughing on the plane... 260 00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:51,480 to Cyprus. 261 00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:54,080 Swapsies, swap your flight, flight your swap. 262 00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:56,280 Swap it, swap it, doubler, need, need, got? 263 00:14:56,280 --> 00:15:00,720 Swap your flight? Flight your swaps. Swap it, swap it, doubler, doubler, need, come on now. 264 00:15:00,720 --> 00:15:04,720 War and Peace? You'll no get fleeced. Into your Tolstoy? 265 00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:07,600 Give me four tickets for my boys. 266 00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:11,120 Chewing gum? Good for diges-tion. 267 00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:16,920 Doesnae bother me, I'll get masel a private jet. 268 00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:18,880 See you there, eh? 269 00:15:18,880 --> 00:15:20,400 Here, mate. 270 00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:25,280 - Word is you're looking to swap your flights? - Aye. 271 00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:26,920 Great, so am I. 272 00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:28,560 Brilliant. Right what do you want? 273 00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:31,600 I'll give you all this. Not just the stuff but the bag as well. 274 00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:33,760 No, no, no, you're fine, I don't want any of that. 275 00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:36,040 Nothin'? You beauty. 276 00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:38,480 In fact, I'm going to give you something. 277 00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:41,360 - Aye? - What's your name? - Gary. 278 00:15:41,360 --> 00:15:44,240 Very pleased to meet you, Gary. Cammy. 279 00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:50,960 Now, Gary, what would you say if I was to tell you that in my pocket 280 00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:54,560 I had four tickets to Sharkworld? 281 00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:58,760 I'd probably say, "What's Sharkworld?" 282 00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:01,360 In fact, that's what I'm going to go with. What is Sharkworld? 283 00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:02,880 I'll tell you exactly what it is. 284 00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:04,800 It's amazing, that's what it is. 285 00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:07,800 Imagine a place full of sharks. 286 00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:09,800 Does that sound good to you? 287 00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:12,440 It depends. Am I like in wi' them? 288 00:16:12,440 --> 00:16:15,200 - No. - Then it does sound good. 289 00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:23,160 Would it sound even better if I told you I had four VIP tickets, best comfy seats in the house 290 00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:28,360 at Cyprus's premier aquatic attraction? 291 00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:30,160 Sharkworld. 292 00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:32,960 VIP tickets and comfy seats? 293 00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:35,840 Aye, that sounds even better. 294 00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:40,600 So, you would give me four seats onto your flight 295 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:44,520 - and give me four VIP tickets. - To Sharkworld. 296 00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:46,720 You've said it, that's the deal. 297 00:16:46,720 --> 00:16:49,880 Brilliant. Hold on, when's your flight? 298 00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:54,840 Some time later tomorrow afternoon, but come on, never mind about that. 299 00:16:54,840 --> 00:17:01,640 We were just saying, we were just saying, how good it would be to be VIP kings for the day. 300 00:17:01,640 --> 00:17:04,720 Naw, mate, naw, I cannae. No if your flight's after mine. 301 00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:08,440 No, no, fair enough. 302 00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:15,200 I was just thinking, you know, with you being VIP kings for the day you wouldn't be in a rush, 303 00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:19,640 because VIPs don't rush. Do they? 304 00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:21,440 Naw. 305 00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:24,600 What's a couple of hours to a bunch of guys to chat, 306 00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:27,760 relax and talk about how amazing Sharkworld's going to be? 307 00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:29,560 It is, it's going to be amazing. 308 00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:32,960 I wish you were my corporal. I wish you were my corporal. 309 00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:38,320 If I'd been a lower rank and my corporal had come to me and said I've got four VIP tickets to... 310 00:17:38,320 --> 00:17:45,440 - Sharkworld. - I'd be that chuffed. I'd be like, "I cannot believe it, VIPs, we're going to be kings for a day." 311 00:17:45,440 --> 00:17:48,560 Aye, we're gonnae be like kings for the day... 312 00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:54,040 at Sharkworld. Comfy seats. The boys are gonnae love this. Aye, all right then, let's do it. 313 00:17:57,760 --> 00:17:59,560 Thanks. 314 00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:03,880 Aye. 315 00:18:03,880 --> 00:18:07,400 The problem with the Middle East, right, is that cos it's hot, 316 00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:14,360 all year round and the leaders have got to wear suits all the time, they get irritated, like mair easily. 317 00:18:14,360 --> 00:18:18,520 See, don't get me wrong, like, I love the heat. 318 00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:21,360 I soak it up like a wet sun sponge, eh, 319 00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:24,440 but if I had to wear a suit every day and meet folk I didnae like, 320 00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:29,280 you'd just be like, "Ah, no, I'm roasting, this is daein ma heid in. 321 00:18:29,280 --> 00:18:33,960 "Just bomb them. I'm heading back to the hoose to get ma shorts on and hit ma pool, eh?" 322 00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:36,640 You would, eh? 323 00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:38,520 See, it just shows. 324 00:18:38,520 --> 00:18:41,520 The sun is really powerful. 325 00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:44,000 In more ways than we knew. 326 00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:49,080 Lads, lads, lads, get up, get up, get up, get up. 327 00:18:49,080 --> 00:18:52,280 - You swapped the seats? - I certainly did. I like that. 328 00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:54,680 Ya beauty, Gary, c'mon move it. 329 00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:56,760 No, no, not yet, in a bit. 330 00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:59,720 - What d'you mean? - Just give me a minute, Stromboli, 331 00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:03,120 cos I've got some rather exciting news. 332 00:19:03,120 --> 00:19:05,120 We're on the flight. When's it leaving? 333 00:19:05,120 --> 00:19:07,920 Don't worry about that, we've got ages. To chat. 334 00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:09,640 Ach, it's no been delayed has it? 335 00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:14,280 Right. I, Gary, your favourite corporal, has managed to get his 336 00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:20,160 hands on no' one, no' two, no' three, no' five, 337 00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:23,760 but four VIP tickets to... 338 00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:27,520 Anyone? Anyone? Anyone? 339 00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:29,920 - Anyone? - Hurry up. 340 00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:33,640 Only Cyprus's favourite aquatic 341 00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:40,520 premier destination attraction - Sharkworld. 342 00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:44,160 Aye, very good, but did you get us on the next flight? 343 00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:49,080 No, I swapped our seats for a later flight. But are you no' listening to me? 344 00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:51,200 Four VIP tickets to Sharkworld. 345 00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:54,080 As in THE Sharkworld. 346 00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:57,000 What are you talking about? What later flight? 347 00:19:57,000 --> 00:20:00,480 It leaves like a couple of hours after ours, but what does that matter, eh? 348 00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:02,320 We don't need to rush. 349 00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:04,040 We're VIPs. 350 00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:05,720 No. 351 00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:08,320 No, Gary, you havenae? 352 00:20:08,320 --> 00:20:14,160 Gary, you've no' swapped our flight for a later flight for Fishworld tickets? 353 00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:16,720 Mate, please tell me you've no done that. 354 00:20:16,720 --> 00:20:20,720 - You better no' have done that. - Aye... 355 00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:25,760 But it's Sharkworld. 356 00:20:25,760 --> 00:20:28,360 VIPs. 357 00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:30,960 Kings for the day, comfy seats, that's what he said. 358 00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:36,280 - Who? - Cammy. 359 00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:39,280 I was tired. 360 00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:43,040 He said to me like if his corporal got him tickets for Sharkworld 361 00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:45,800 - that would have been amazing. - Ach, ma boy. 362 00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:50,400 - I thought youse would like it. He never even took the stuff. - Well, that was good of him(!) 363 00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:53,080 No, no, no, no! 364 00:20:57,560 --> 00:20:59,200 So do youse no' want to go? 365 00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:00,720 No! 366 00:21:00,720 --> 00:21:02,520 We want to leave here. 367 00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:06,120 We want to leave this flea-infested shit hole! 368 00:21:07,160 --> 00:21:09,040 Right. 369 00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:11,280 What does this Cammy look like? 370 00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:16,480 Em, he's average height, 371 00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:20,240 average...build, average hair, 372 00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:21,880 a man? 373 00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:29,920 Did you see that 'tache on Jacko's face? 374 00:21:29,920 --> 00:21:31,440 That is funny. 375 00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:38,360 C'mon then, cannae stand about all day. C'mon. 376 00:21:40,680 --> 00:21:46,920 True friends are people who, no matter what happens, 377 00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:49,920 in any situation, over 378 00:21:49,920 --> 00:21:55,960 any given time period, in any place in the whole world, 379 00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:57,640 think you're amazing. 380 00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:02,080 Ma friends do think I'm amazing. 381 00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:05,200 So I suppose... 382 00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:08,720 ..they're very lucky to have me. 383 00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:15,320 Lads, some broken glasses, chewing gum, and mega muff playing cards aren't going to be enough. 384 00:22:15,320 --> 00:22:17,600 Have to up the stakes with this one. 385 00:22:17,600 --> 00:22:20,360 Your watch and your iPod for starters. 386 00:22:20,360 --> 00:22:23,400 Right, I hope you can sleep at night. 387 00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:25,000 In fact, I hope you don't sleep at night, 388 00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:28,440 I hope you have like a really restless sleep and need the toilet a lot. 389 00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:30,720 Cos this is just unbelievable. 390 00:22:30,720 --> 00:22:32,320 Who was it? 391 00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:34,320 Was this you? 392 00:22:34,320 --> 00:22:37,080 - Oh? No. - Wisnae me. 393 00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:38,840 I'm allergic to marker pens. 394 00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:42,520 It willnae come off. Every bastard's pissing themselves at me. 395 00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:44,320 Who, you? 396 00:22:44,320 --> 00:22:46,480 The Victorian Freddie Mercury? 397 00:22:46,480 --> 00:22:49,400 You'd better shave it off before people start asking for requests. 398 00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:52,720 Did you say anything? I'll shave your balls off, you wee prick. 399 00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:55,320 Calm doon, Jacko. 400 00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:56,920 That was a really weird thing to say. 401 00:22:56,920 --> 00:23:00,360 Right, c'mon Cammy, give us the flight tickets back. 402 00:23:00,360 --> 00:23:01,920 Cammy? 403 00:23:01,920 --> 00:23:03,520 Oh, ho, ho. 404 00:23:03,520 --> 00:23:06,400 Right! Leave it! Enough, Ultimate Warrior! 405 00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:08,040 I'm sorting this oot. 406 00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:10,040 What have I got here? 407 00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:14,960 Enya, Enya, Enya, Sting? 408 00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:17,800 No, no, that's not going to be enough. 409 00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:20,440 What, cos of your bad taste in music? 410 00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:23,840 - Deal's off, guys, enjoy your day out. - Wait! 411 00:23:37,240 --> 00:23:42,520 ACDC, Motorhead, not bad. 412 00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:43,840 Westlife? 413 00:23:45,560 --> 00:23:47,400 Ma sister put that on. 414 00:23:47,400 --> 00:23:50,920 - You got a problem with that? - No, no, no, I don't have a problem with it. 415 00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:52,920 In fact, I'd love to meet your sister. 416 00:23:52,920 --> 00:23:54,960 I bet she's gagging to meet me. 417 00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:56,560 - Right, you... - Jacko! Jacko! 418 00:23:56,560 --> 00:24:00,080 Jacko! Leave him, Jacko! Jacko! 419 00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:03,040 Enough! What the bloody hell is going on here? 420 00:24:03,040 --> 00:24:04,680 Corporal? 421 00:24:04,680 --> 00:24:09,920 Em, well you know that thing that you said you didnae want to know aboot? This isnae it. 422 00:24:09,920 --> 00:24:13,600 I'm glad to hear it isn't the thing I didn't want to know about, because if it was, there'd be a 423 00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:16,440 real danger that you would not end up where you thought you might be. 424 00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:18,960 - Is that good or bad? - Bad. 425 00:24:18,960 --> 00:24:24,000 Ergo, I'll have you all taken off the flight lists and you'll be stuck here. Would you like that? Hmm? 426 00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:25,800 - Would you? - ALL: No. 427 00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:28,200 I think there's been a slight misunderstanding here. 428 00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:29,760 Or not. 429 00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:31,680 As the case may be. 430 00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:37,080 Because actually we're all on the same flights as we were on all along. 431 00:24:37,080 --> 00:24:39,880 Isn't that right, Mr Cammy? 432 00:24:52,120 --> 00:24:56,040 Thanks for the birthday present, lads! They never forget. 433 00:24:56,040 --> 00:24:58,000 I'm just glad I didn't see anything. 434 00:24:58,000 --> 00:25:01,800 Must have been distracted by not having any cards to play bridge with this evening. 435 00:25:01,800 --> 00:25:04,680 Oh, we've got cards. 436 00:25:04,680 --> 00:25:08,080 Aw, right! 437 00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:14,680 Farewell, my crusty queens. 438 00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:18,040 I look forward to playing with them. Hmm, nice moustache, soldier. 439 00:25:18,040 --> 00:25:20,160 - Thank you, sir. - Happy landings, chaps. 440 00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:21,680 Cheers. 441 00:25:28,080 --> 00:25:31,840 See ya, wouldnae want to be ya, 442 00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:35,080 enjoy your flight oot ay here! 443 00:25:35,080 --> 00:25:36,680 - iPOD PLAYS - What? 444 00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:39,240 - I said, em... - What? 445 00:25:39,240 --> 00:25:42,440 It doesnae matter. Doesn't matter. 446 00:25:44,760 --> 00:25:47,880 Well, I think it's fair to say thanks 447 00:25:47,880 --> 00:25:51,400 to Gary and his quick thinking, we managed to change the flights. 448 00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:54,080 Aye, back to the ones we had in the first place. 449 00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:57,120 And they got all our stuff. 450 00:25:57,120 --> 00:25:58,640 No everything. 451 00:26:04,720 --> 00:26:07,680 We're kings for the day, lads. 452 00:26:07,680 --> 00:26:12,400 Kings for the day. Comfy seats. 453 00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:17,640 MUSIC: "American Idiot" by Green Day 454 00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:22,640 # Don't want to be an American idiot 455 00:26:24,680 --> 00:26:27,560 # Don't want a nation under the new media 456 00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:32,080 # And can you hear the sound of hysteria? 457 00:26:35,160 --> 00:26:37,400 # The subliminal mind ... America. 458 00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:42,920 # Welcome to a new kind of tension 459 00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:45,840 # All across the alien nation 460 00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:49,520 # Where everything isn't meant to be OK 461 00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:54,720 # Television dreams of tomorrow We're not the ones... # 462 00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:56,960 Gary, it's not that difficult. 463 00:26:57,640 --> 00:27:04,960 I keep Charlie awake, Charlie keeps Adam awake, Adam keeps you awake and you keep me awake. Right? 464 00:27:04,960 --> 00:27:07,080 Right. Cool. 465 00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:12,200 Are you awake? 466 00:27:12,200 --> 00:27:14,120 Aye. 467 00:27:14,120 --> 00:27:15,760 Right, aye, I was 468 00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:17,800 just testing what I would say. 469 00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:23,240 Right. 470 00:27:23,240 --> 00:27:24,760 Night-night. 471 00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:28,920 Calm down. 472 00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:32,400 I'm just... 473 00:27:44,480 --> 00:27:49,960 HE SINGS INDISTINCTLY 474 00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:13,480 This is the final call for four numpties to board their Crab Air flight tae Cyprus. 475 00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:17,960 No? 476 00:28:19,760 --> 00:28:22,640 Gate closed. 477 00:28:22,640 --> 00:28:25,960 HELICOPTER OVERHEAD 478 00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:29,920 # Sail away, sail away, sail away 479 00:28:29,920 --> 00:28:34,200 # Sail away, sail away, sail away 480 00:28:34,200 --> 00:28:39,200 # Sail away, sail away, sail away... # 481 00:28:56,640 --> 00:28:59,480 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 482 00:28:59,480 --> 00:29:02,440 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk