Taxi!
SMASH!
Oh, nuh. My shins.
Whose is that motor?
My shins.
'Ttention!
That's me up, Sarge.
My office. All of you.
Three minutes.
Someone want to tell me why my car's got a dent in it the size of my wife's arse?
Well, anything to say, boyband?
No. Admit nothing, deny everything, look stupid.
That could be the name of your first album.
Well, grant me this, muppets,
were you boys at the NAAFI bar last night?
I do recall you offered to buy me a Baileys and Coke.
Aye. A boke.
But you didnae want one.
No, I didnae want a boke.
By the end of the night, I was on the double bokes.
Shut up!
What time did yous get in last night?
Three minutes past 2300, Sarge. Or very close to it.
Three minutes past 2300 hours?
That's very precise.
Oh, look, lads, it's one minute past 2300 hours.
We'd better get home and get to our beds.
So, just a couple of quiet bokes
down the Colonel Gadaffi, and then home to your beds, was it?
I think so, Sarge.
What time is it now, Smith?
Don't look at my bastarding clock, you staggering moron!
I am asking you to look at your watch and tell me what time it is.
Sorry, Sarge. I must have left it back at the bunk.
Oh, I see. So, er,
this isn't yours then?
The reason I know it is yours is cos I remember seeing it on your
lady-wrist and thinking that looks like something you could buy from an Early shite-ing Learning Centre.
- Is that your first watch? - Shut your mouth!
You dropped it next to my car like the malnutritioned spunk-monkey that you are.
You got something to say, fat Gary Barlow?
- Harsh. - Very harsh.
I should court martial you for criminal damage.
But seeing as how it's supposed to be my day off, I'm going to let this go.
Really?
No, fatty! Instead, I have got a great big shitty surprise for you.
- That sounds nice(!) - Oh yes. Very nice!
As you morons are aware, it's the captains' dinner tonight.
So guess who is now going to be working at it?
Some highly trained professional staff made up of mostly immigrant workers?
No. Quite the opposite. Some of our finest home-grown numpties will be acting as bensons for the evening.
- Who? - YOUS!
And, just to make you aware, Captain Fanshawe's father, the Colonel, will be attending.
So I if I hear of anything, and I mean anything, about any dick-ups,
I will come down on you harder than a tonne of slags. Is that understood?
- Sarge. - Yes, Sarge. Yes, Sarge.
Three bags full, Sarge. Say it.
Yes, Sarge. Yes, Sarge.
Three bags full, Sarge.
Have you any wool?
No.
NOW GET OUT!
Can I have three?
Right, cool. OK.
My top three folk that I admire in the world are,
number three, Dannii Minogue
cos she just keeps at it, she's not bothered what folk think o' her.
Number two is Terry Watson, who I was at school wi',
who burnt one side of his face really badly with an iron,
but then auditioned for our school's version of Phantom of the Opera.
And he got it.
And he did it without a mask.
It was inspirational.
And number one -
who else could it be?
But Bobby George frae the darts, eh?
He is a legend.
I mean, if I'm being honest, I never want to meet him,
but he's just a legend.
Except he exists.
Bobby George.
Ken that way he says it?
Bobby George. And that laugh.
Right. See out there?
Yous might think yous are in charge.
- Where, Chef? - I think he means outside the kitchen.
Oh, outside the kitchen, Chef, yes. We are in charge, aye.
But in here...
- The kitchen? - I'm the one giving the orders.
- You got that? - Yes, Chef. - Right. Service is for 40 covers tonight.
- Covers? - People, folk. - Radges? - Aye, radges. - I get you.
- Bagsie daein' the chips. - We're no' serving chips.
This is the Captain's dinner.
I dinnae serve chips at the Captain's dinner.
Oh, everyone loves a chip, Chef.
I'm in 100% agreement with Chef Jackson, Chef.
Every radge likes a chip. 'Specially me.
Aye. I can see that.
Eh, The words "chef, kettle and fat" come to mind.
- The menu's on the board. - Right.
- What's Horse Durvs? - Hors d'oeuvres.
It's a small starter. Dinnae worry about them.
I've done them. They're in the fridge.
- Durrrrvs. - Kep soup. What's that?
Cep - it's like a mushroom.
- Is it a mushroom? - Kindae. Aye.
Right, so it's like mushroom soup.
All right then. Melon. Are you all right with that?
Yous all right? Aye?
Good. Proscuitto - that's a ham.
I've had that. Tastes like feet. Prefer honey roast myself.
Melon wi' ham?
Listen, mate, I'd put some chips on.
Am I going blind or does that say pigeon?
Rats wi' wings.
- You cannae mean pigeon? - Aye. It's lovely. Gamey, rich.
Are you kiddin'? They're stinkin'. They're like homeless birds.
I used to go out with a homeless bird. Didnae work out though, eh?
- Aw. How no'? - Cos we could never go back to hers.
Listen, Chef, if I can call you Chef, cos you're kindae a chef,
- you cannae serve pigeon. - It's wood pigeon, you tubes.
They're no' even related to street pigeons.
How can they no' be related? They're called the same thing.
- It does sound a bit misleading, Chef. - Because...
What about parrots? Can you eat them, Chef? Parrots?
No. Mebbe. I dinnae ken.
I know what yous are daein'.
Yous are tryin' to wind me up. But it's no' working.
Well, it clearly is a bit, Chef. Just one last question.
This, em... What's this ah-see-it of desserts?
- Assiette. - Ah see it too, Chef, but what does it mean?
Aye. Comedians.
- Every last one of yous. - Aye, we're here all week, Chef.
Try the pigeon.
# Jai Ho!
# Jai Ho
# You are the reason that I breathe
# You are the reason that I still believe
# You are my destiny
# Jai Ho
# No there is nothing that can stop us
# Nothing can ever come between us
# So come and dance with me
# Jai Ho!
# Jai Ho! #
Em, Roger Rabbit.
Back to you, lady-wrists.
He's no' a Hollywood actor.
- He's a cartoon rabbit. - You take these games far too seriously.
Em, all right,
Ronald Reagan.
- How's he a Hollywood actor? - He was a Hollywood actor.
Gary, he was the President of America.
Yas!
Yas, yas, yas. I knew this would happen, right?
I ken something that you dinnae.
Ronald Reagan was a famous actor way back
- and he did the voice for Mickey Moose. - Did he? - Was that no' Walt Disney?
Nuh. It totally wisnae Disney.
So I have won this game. In your face, lady-wrists.
Enough. Keep choppin'.
Right, chaps. At ease.
Cook. Here's the list with the final guest, er...
Numbers?
Yeah.
We're actually a man down tonight.
My partner for the evening has had to pull out, er, so to speak,
due to em...
- Busy diary? - Exactly.
I don't suppose any of you, er,
good lads know of any, em...
Totty?
- Skirt. - Fanny. - Keep it respectable, Private. - Sorry, sir.
If you do know of any ladies that I could acquire, do let me know.
- You mean a proz? - No. I don't think he does.
We certainly will, sir.
Good. Good to have a girl that I can
show father. Sometimes he thinks I'm...
Unlucky in love?
Exactly. Right, well, at ease, chaps.
Cook.
Come on. Back to work.
Well, aye, the BP thing was a disaster.
I mean, America started a war because they wanted oil and here
it was, there all the time, eh? What a nonsense.
Ken one thing I dinnae get, right,
is that when you see these, like, oil spills, how come it's always birds with big beaks covered in oil?
Why don't they just stay in the sky?
That's what they're made for.
Silly birds.
Bored.
Off with his pinkie!
- Don't! - You really do have lady-wrists.
- Do you have to get extra holes punched in your watches for that? - Aye!
- Quelle shite-ing surprise. - I don't think that's on the menu, Sarge.
Oh, ho ho ho ho. Funny benson, eh?
'Scuse me while I go and change my Tena pants.
So, lads, you enjoying your day off?
- Yes, Sarge. - Aye, so am I. Scampi and chips washed down with four pints of sheep shagger.
That beats a boke any day of the week.
Where's Fanny Cradock?
I think Chef is taking a delivery, Sarge.
Oh, aye.
Well, go on then, dinner ladies, let's see your skills.
Pish!
Ah, Cheffy,
rustle us up a bacon buttie, would you?
Sorry, Sergeant, I think you're thinking of a roadside cafe.
This is a kitchen.
I know this is a kitchen. I can see the sinks and...
You must be the wife.
He's steam boats.
- What was that? - Calm doon, Nigella. It was only a peanut.
I'm allergic!
Just don't eat it, then.
Get a grip of yourself. That's an order.
It's only a shite peanut.
He really doesnae like peanuts, eh?
Anti... Histamine.
He's doing his Marlon Brando impressions fi' The Godfather.
- "Michael!" - No, he's saying antihistamine.
Right, who's got a phone? He wants to phone his Auntie.
No, antihistamine for his allergy.
Well, don't just stand there, Doctor Pepper, away and get a medic.
- And get some of those anti peanuts. - Is he gonnae die?
You gonnae pop your catering clogs?
Dinnae you worry about that, because even if he does, you'll still be working.
Would we get the funeral off?
We're here.
You hear that, Chef? Lassie's got help.
Keep... the... pigeon... moist.
Moist pigeon.
This is Charlie.
His Mum and Dad don't want him any more.
And he had to come and live in Afghanistan.
It's very sad.
But for just two pounds a month, you could help him
get a better life.
Make it a fiver.
Cheeky monkey!
Right. Having lost Chef to peanut shrapnel, I am now supervising.
You are cooking. You've got the instructions in front of you, so if there's any questions, work it out.
Yes, we will need the brandy for the sauce, and yes, Manuel, you can go and get it.
Sorry, he's from Barcelona.
Charlie, what kind of stock is it?
Charlie, what kind of stock is it in there?
Stop it!
Durve. >
Durve.
Gary!
Oh, you got my text then.
Aye! I thought it was a party.
But it's no' a party party, it's an arty farty party.
And I look like a pure tramp.
You don't look like a tramp. Your dress is too bright.
Durve?
- Durve? - Durve?
All right. I've never had a durve before.
What do you think?
Thanks. I could eat about 50 of them. Am I allowed to eat 50 of them?
Do they expand in your stomach? Are they like space food?
What are you doing here?
Gary text me asking if I want to come to a party?
Look at you, you look like a butler.
- As Fanshawe's bird? - Whose bird?
- Who's Fanshawe? - Lads, a glass of, er...
Don't mind if I do.
Hello there, I'm Captain, er...
- Fanshawe? - Yep. So they tell me.
I was just asking aboot you.
- Really? - Yes, Captain, this is Julie, who's the girl we've managed to get you for tonight.
My actual God. Gary, that makes me sound like an actual lady of the streets.
- And, er, are you? - Naw. She's my sister, sir.
Well, jolly good.
Anyway, I was just telling the lads that the chap
who was supposed to be coming with me had a problem with her, em...
With her what?
- Diary. - Oh, her diary, right.
Here, are yous going to be serving me drinks all night?
Oh, my God, this is amazing.
How much is it? I don't get paid till next week. I could get a loan out.
I saw an advert on TV, they give you it quick, but they charge you hundreds to pay it back.
Oh, God, I knew a girl that got into debt for, like, a hundred thousand thousand thousand pounds. Pounds!
She's got a baby, actually four.
Deep breath, Julie, that's it. Deep breaths.
Free. Everything is free.
Everything's free? Brilliant!
Perhaps I should, er, introduce you to my, er... Rupes.
Ah, Rupes. This is Julie.
My lady for the evening.
Pleasure to meet you.
Colonel Bloody Fanshawe.
- This is my brother, Rupes. - Rupert Fanshawe.
Welcome to the family.
Er, no, Rupes, it's just for this evening.
Hiya, I'm Julie Jackson. I'm Jacko's sister.
Jacko!
Long time, no see.
I hardly recognised you dressed as a waiter. Really suits you.
- Thanks. - Corporal McLintoch.
At ease, Student.
How do you two know each other?
How do I know Jacko Jacksie Jackson?
He was Gary's batman when Gary came to my uni, and we won the debate on Iraq.
Well, I won the debate.
Jacko was there, at the side, cheering us on to victory.
We bonded that day.
And now I have the honour of meeting his sister.
It is literally shit the bed to make your acquaintance.
Rupert! Mind your bloody language.
- Sorry, Father. Colonel! - Don't worry aboot it.
I don't even count shit as a sweary word.
Bloody decent of you. Hells bells, it's bloody Chalky!
Just look at you, serving me drinks.
Makes me look forward to when I finally finish Sandhurst, come here and can command you in battle.
That's funny actually
cos Jacko was just saying he's really looking forward to that
and he was also wondering if he could start practicing now by calling you Sir?
Sure, why not? Practice makes perfect.
Off you go.
I look forward to you coming back here, Sir.
That sounded good.
Well, if you'll excuse us, we have some further benson activities to attend to.
Bloody yeah. Epic win to see you both.
Oh, Jacksie?
Could I bother you for a top up?
Eh, don't forget me, Jacksie.
At ease, chaps.
Jacksie! Can we start calling you Jacksie?
Jacksie. Jacksie.
To be honest, right, I don't know why Davey Cameron's always banging on aboot this big society.
We've got a big society.
I ken folk that are humungous.
And they wear jeggings.
It's horrible.
- Durves oot? - Yes, Sarge.
Starters now. Main's in the oven.
Yes, Chef!
- ALL: Yes, Chef! - He is properly wrecked.
Yous talking about me?
Well, dinnae bother, because I am talking about me.
Soup's ready, Chef.
I am happy with seasoning and consistency.
Well, give yerself a bloody Michelin star.
Is that the list wi' what folk are havin'?
- Aye, how? - I just want to make sure that the young Rupert gets what's coming to him.
That's very professional of you, Jacko.
Well, he's having the soup and then the pigeon titties.
Excellent. A fine choice.
I thought I said move it.
You never, Sarge, but we're just about tae.
# I like to move it, move it.
# I like to - move it! #
- Where are yous going? - Just going to get more brandy for the sauce.
Oh, aye. Aye, that's a good idea. Bring it oot.
Now, who's having the cep mushroom with soup?
Hammy baws, madam?
- I won't ask. - Very wise.
But I suppose that is one of the disadvantages of having an Aga.
- Aga. - Soup, sir? - Yes, please. Just a "soup son".
Get it?
It's French!
Very funny, sir.
- Do enjoy. - Thank you.
That is lovely.
The seasoning is perfect. No salt required.
Are you responsible for this?
Just a smidge.
- Where's Keith Floyd? - Don't know. - In the pisser?
- Check these out. Perfecto. - Hey, don't you start with the French.
Let's see the tatty dolphin noise.
Michel Roux would be proud of these.
Would she?
- Right, what's the score? - I think you're losing. - Oh, ho.
What's this?
Well, this is pigeon, supposedly not the disease-ridden stinking ruined
feet ones, and this is potato with a crusty, cheesy, parmesan topping.
Is it just me, or is it hot in here?
Right lads, let's get these plated up and get it oot there, then we can celebrate with a triple boke, eh?
- Sarge? - Dinnae you raise your voice to me, you wee shite.
- It'll be fine. - Em...
- I suppose we could say it comes wi' carrots. - Oh, no.
I'm off for some air.
Sort this oot. It stinks.
What are we going to do?
I've got it!
Hello, Pizza Hut?
Aye, it is me, Gary.
Listen, do you dae, em, pigeon pizzas?
No.
Oh, well, it was a long shot. All right, speak to you tomorrow. Cheers.
We need tae give 'em something.
- Something decent an' all. - Aye, something that every radge likes.
Yas!
Right, hurry up. Come on.
- That's it. - What are we gonnae call it? We cannae say chips wi' brown sauce.
Well, what's French for chips wi' broon sauce?
Er...
Les frites Ecossaise avec un sauce brun.
Right, got it. Sorted. Come on.
The problem with politics now is that there's nae characters.
It's like in the tennis, right, because back in the day you had that John McEnroe.
Remember him? I can dae him.
Aye. You're nae serious!
That was good, eh? I can dae loads.
All right. Em, now we've got that Andy Murray, right,
and he does get quite a lot of abuse, ken, for being dull and the
way he speaks and that, but I'm sure he's recovering from an accident.
Isn't he? I think he's doing, like, really well, hitting that ball.
Go Andy!
Er, OK chaps, if I could just have a bit of hush.
Er, just want to congratulate the chaps for showing some great skill after the cook went into a coma.
- But thankfully the chaps adapted to, er, battlefield conditions. - Jocks!
And came up with a cracking dish called, em...
Em, les French Fries avey Maria wi' une
sauce broone.
Ah, quite so.
So, if you could all raise your, er...
Cooks, the bloody cooks!
To the cooks!
KITCHEN!
Hullo there! It's your weather with me, Adam Kenney.
We are in the middle of a dryer spell than Charlie's sex life.
Today it will be dry and dry, with spots of dry, followed by a big dod of dry.
- Aw pure wet, man. - LAUGHTER
Come on, lady-wrists, it's 2am.
That was some shift, eh, boys?
'Specially after last night.
Aye. I cannae wait to see the nick ae Thomson the morrow.
I doubt we'll even see him. Day off, lads.
Aye aye!
Right.
There was nae Baileys and Coke, but I found some Spumanti and Irn Bru.
So, well done, lads. Here's tae us. Enjoy your Spu.
Spu!
Up yous get!
You've had your Sunday morning lie-in.
It's 5am. Thank the Lord, it's chemical attack drill time.
Move it, move it, move it!
Chemical Attack!
It's no' they peanuts again, is it?
Come on, you Jessies.
This is an urgent situation, it's a chemical attack.
There are tiny wee shite-ing bugs trying to get into your every orifice.
Right. Hit the deck, lads.
Hit the deck!
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