1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:03,000 Taxi! 2 00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:05,120 SMASH! 3 00:00:05,120 --> 00:00:08,880 Oh, nuh. My shins. 4 00:00:08,880 --> 00:00:10,400 Whose is that motor? 5 00:00:12,720 --> 00:00:14,280 My shins. 6 00:00:30,480 --> 00:00:32,600 'Ttention! 7 00:01:00,040 --> 00:01:01,800 That's me up, Sarge. 8 00:01:14,840 --> 00:01:17,080 My office. All of you. 9 00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:18,920 Three minutes. 10 00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:23,720 Someone want to tell me why my car's got a dent in it the size of my wife's arse? 11 00:01:23,720 --> 00:01:27,200 Well, anything to say, boyband? 12 00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:31,360 No. Admit nothing, deny everything, look stupid. 13 00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:34,320 That could be the name of your first album. 14 00:01:34,320 --> 00:01:37,520 Well, grant me this, muppets, 15 00:01:37,520 --> 00:01:41,560 were you boys at the NAAFI bar last night? 16 00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:44,560 I do recall you offered to buy me a Baileys and Coke. 17 00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:46,800 Aye. A boke. 18 00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:48,400 But you didnae want one. 19 00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:50,360 No, I didnae want a boke. 20 00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:52,640 By the end of the night, I was on the double bokes. 21 00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:54,160 Shut up! 22 00:01:56,560 --> 00:01:58,440 What time did yous get in last night? 23 00:01:58,440 --> 00:02:02,000 Three minutes past 2300, Sarge. Or very close to it. 24 00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:03,960 Three minutes past 2300 hours? 25 00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:05,680 That's very precise. 26 00:02:05,680 --> 00:02:08,840 Oh, look, lads, it's one minute past 2300 hours. 27 00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:11,600 We'd better get home and get to our beds. 28 00:02:11,600 --> 00:02:13,920 So, just a couple of quiet bokes 29 00:02:13,920 --> 00:02:17,400 down the Colonel Gadaffi, and then home to your beds, was it? 30 00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:19,280 I think so, Sarge. 31 00:02:24,080 --> 00:02:26,320 What time is it now, Smith? 32 00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:30,720 Don't look at my bastarding clock, you staggering moron! 33 00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:33,600 I am asking you to look at your watch and tell me what time it is. 34 00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:37,280 Sorry, Sarge. I must have left it back at the bunk. 35 00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:39,720 Oh, I see. So, er, 36 00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:41,840 this isn't yours then? 37 00:02:43,640 --> 00:02:46,360 The reason I know it is yours is cos I remember seeing it on your 38 00:02:46,360 --> 00:02:52,360 lady-wrist and thinking that looks like something you could buy from an Early shite-ing Learning Centre. 39 00:02:52,360 --> 00:02:54,320 - Is that your first watch? - Shut your mouth! 40 00:02:54,320 --> 00:02:59,760 You dropped it next to my car like the malnutritioned spunk-monkey that you are. 41 00:03:03,920 --> 00:03:07,520 You got something to say, fat Gary Barlow? 42 00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:10,320 - Harsh. - Very harsh. 43 00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:13,280 I should court martial you for criminal damage. 44 00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:18,520 But seeing as how it's supposed to be my day off, I'm going to let this go. 45 00:03:18,520 --> 00:03:20,920 Really? 46 00:03:20,920 --> 00:03:24,880 No, fatty! Instead, I have got a great big shitty surprise for you. 47 00:03:24,880 --> 00:03:28,400 - That sounds nice(!) - Oh yes. Very nice! 48 00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:32,160 As you morons are aware, it's the captains' dinner tonight. 49 00:03:32,160 --> 00:03:35,120 So guess who is now going to be working at it? 50 00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:39,960 Some highly trained professional staff made up of mostly immigrant workers? 51 00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:46,080 No. Quite the opposite. Some of our finest home-grown numpties will be acting as bensons for the evening. 52 00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:49,080 - Who? - YOUS! 53 00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:55,200 And, just to make you aware, Captain Fanshawe's father, the Colonel, will be attending. 54 00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:58,120 So I if I hear of anything, and I mean anything, about any dick-ups, 55 00:03:58,120 --> 00:04:03,600 I will come down on you harder than a tonne of slags. Is that understood? 56 00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:07,000 - Sarge. - Yes, Sarge. Yes, Sarge. 57 00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:09,920 Three bags full, Sarge. Say it. 58 00:04:09,920 --> 00:04:11,920 Yes, Sarge. Yes, Sarge. 59 00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:14,040 Three bags full, Sarge. 60 00:04:14,040 --> 00:04:18,640 Have you any wool? 61 00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:24,040 No. 62 00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:27,280 NOW GET OUT! 63 00:04:35,280 --> 00:04:37,960 Can I have three? 64 00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:40,160 Right, cool. OK. 65 00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:44,800 My top three folk that I admire in the world are, 66 00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:47,800 number three, Dannii Minogue 67 00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:52,400 cos she just keeps at it, she's not bothered what folk think o' her. 68 00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:58,400 Number two is Terry Watson, who I was at school wi', 69 00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:02,840 who burnt one side of his face really badly with an iron, 70 00:05:02,840 --> 00:05:07,560 but then auditioned for our school's version of Phantom of the Opera. 71 00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:09,760 And he got it. 72 00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:12,600 And he did it without a mask. 73 00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:15,720 It was inspirational. 74 00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:18,000 And number one - 75 00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:20,080 who else could it be? 76 00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:23,680 But Bobby George frae the darts, eh? 77 00:05:23,680 --> 00:05:25,400 He is a legend. 78 00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:29,640 I mean, if I'm being honest, I never want to meet him, 79 00:05:29,640 --> 00:05:32,080 but he's just a legend. 80 00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:34,280 Except he exists. 81 00:05:34,280 --> 00:05:35,960 Bobby George. 82 00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:37,840 Ken that way he says it? 83 00:05:37,840 --> 00:05:40,800 Bobby George. And that laugh. 84 00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:45,360 Right. See out there? 85 00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:48,160 Yous might think yous are in charge. 86 00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:51,440 - Where, Chef? - I think he means outside the kitchen. 87 00:05:51,440 --> 00:05:53,760 Oh, outside the kitchen, Chef, yes. We are in charge, aye. 88 00:05:53,760 --> 00:05:55,400 But in here... 89 00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:57,440 - The kitchen? - I'm the one giving the orders. 90 00:05:57,440 --> 00:06:02,480 - You got that? - Yes, Chef. - Right. Service is for 40 covers tonight. 91 00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:07,120 - Covers? - People, folk. - Radges? - Aye, radges. - I get you. 92 00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:09,800 - Bagsie daein' the chips. - We're no' serving chips. 93 00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:11,040 This is the Captain's dinner. 94 00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:12,800 I dinnae serve chips at the Captain's dinner. 95 00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:15,760 Oh, everyone loves a chip, Chef. 96 00:06:15,760 --> 00:06:18,200 I'm in 100% agreement with Chef Jackson, Chef. 97 00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:20,880 Every radge likes a chip. 'Specially me. 98 00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:22,840 Aye. I can see that. 99 00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:26,200 Eh, The words "chef, kettle and fat" come to mind. 100 00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:28,400 - The menu's on the board. - Right. 101 00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:31,400 - What's Horse Durvs? - Hors d'oeuvres. 102 00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:34,520 It's a small starter. Dinnae worry about them. 103 00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:36,640 I've done them. They're in the fridge. 104 00:06:36,640 --> 00:06:40,480 - Durrrrvs. - Kep soup. What's that? 105 00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:42,160 Cep - it's like a mushroom. 106 00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:44,640 - Is it a mushroom? - Kindae. Aye. 107 00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:46,440 Right, so it's like mushroom soup. 108 00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:48,720 All right then. Melon. Are you all right with that? 109 00:06:48,720 --> 00:06:50,440 Yous all right? Aye? 110 00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:51,960 Good. Proscuitto - that's a ham. 111 00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:54,520 I've had that. Tastes like feet. Prefer honey roast myself. 112 00:06:54,520 --> 00:06:56,280 Melon wi' ham? 113 00:06:56,280 --> 00:06:58,160 Listen, mate, I'd put some chips on. 114 00:06:58,160 --> 00:07:00,800 Am I going blind or does that say pigeon? 115 00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:02,000 Rats wi' wings. 116 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:05,560 - You cannae mean pigeon? - Aye. It's lovely. Gamey, rich. 117 00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:09,080 Are you kiddin'? They're stinkin'. They're like homeless birds. 118 00:07:09,080 --> 00:07:12,640 I used to go out with a homeless bird. Didnae work out though, eh? 119 00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:15,040 - Aw. How no'? - Cos we could never go back to hers. 120 00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:20,240 Listen, Chef, if I can call you Chef, cos you're kindae a chef, 121 00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:22,880 - you cannae serve pigeon. - It's wood pigeon, you tubes. 122 00:07:22,880 --> 00:07:24,960 They're no' even related to street pigeons. 123 00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:27,440 How can they no' be related? They're called the same thing. 124 00:07:27,440 --> 00:07:29,960 - It does sound a bit misleading, Chef. - Because... 125 00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:32,840 What about parrots? Can you eat them, Chef? Parrots? 126 00:07:32,840 --> 00:07:34,520 No. Mebbe. I dinnae ken. 127 00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:37,000 I know what yous are daein'. 128 00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:40,640 Yous are tryin' to wind me up. But it's no' working. 129 00:07:40,640 --> 00:07:44,200 Well, it clearly is a bit, Chef. Just one last question. 130 00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:48,440 This, em... What's this ah-see-it of desserts? 131 00:07:48,440 --> 00:07:52,080 - Assiette. - Ah see it too, Chef, but what does it mean? 132 00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:54,000 Aye. Comedians. 133 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:56,400 - Every last one of yous. - Aye, we're here all week, Chef. 134 00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:58,880 Try the pigeon. 135 00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:04,200 # Jai Ho! 136 00:08:09,320 --> 00:08:10,880 # Jai Ho 137 00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:13,200 # You are the reason that I breathe 138 00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:17,400 # You are the reason that I still believe 139 00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:19,560 # You are my destiny 140 00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:23,600 # Jai Ho 141 00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:27,440 # No there is nothing that can stop us 142 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:31,880 # Nothing can ever come between us 143 00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:34,000 # So come and dance with me 144 00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:36,400 # Jai Ho! 145 00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:45,440 # Jai Ho! 146 00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:51,280 # Jai Ho! # 147 00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:57,000 Em, Roger Rabbit. 148 00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:58,800 Back to you, lady-wrists. 149 00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:03,560 He's no' a Hollywood actor. 150 00:09:03,560 --> 00:09:09,240 - He's a cartoon rabbit. - You take these games far too seriously. 151 00:09:09,240 --> 00:09:11,520 Em, all right, 152 00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:13,760 Ronald Reagan. 153 00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:16,680 - How's he a Hollywood actor? - He was a Hollywood actor. 154 00:09:16,680 --> 00:09:19,280 Gary, he was the President of America. 155 00:09:19,280 --> 00:09:22,680 Yas! 156 00:09:22,680 --> 00:09:25,600 Yas, yas, yas. I knew this would happen, right? 157 00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:27,320 I ken something that you dinnae. 158 00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:29,880 Ronald Reagan was a famous actor way back 159 00:09:29,880 --> 00:09:34,040 - and he did the voice for Mickey Moose. - Did he? - Was that no' Walt Disney? 160 00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:37,520 Nuh. It totally wisnae Disney. 161 00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:40,560 So I have won this game. In your face, lady-wrists. 162 00:09:40,560 --> 00:09:42,560 Enough. Keep choppin'. 163 00:09:42,560 --> 00:09:44,360 Right, chaps. At ease. 164 00:09:44,360 --> 00:09:49,320 Cook. Here's the list with the final guest, er... 165 00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:55,800 Numbers? 166 00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:57,360 Yeah. 167 00:09:57,360 --> 00:10:02,280 We're actually a man down tonight. 168 00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:07,760 My partner for the evening has had to pull out, er, so to speak, 169 00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:10,160 due to em... 170 00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:14,640 - Busy diary? - Exactly. 171 00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:18,560 I don't suppose any of you, er, 172 00:10:18,560 --> 00:10:22,400 good lads know of any, em... 173 00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:24,200 Totty? 174 00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:28,680 - Skirt. - Fanny. - Keep it respectable, Private. - Sorry, sir. 175 00:10:28,680 --> 00:10:36,400 If you do know of any ladies that I could acquire, do let me know. 176 00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:38,560 - You mean a proz? - No. I don't think he does. 177 00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:41,240 We certainly will, sir. 178 00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:43,880 Good. Good to have a girl that I can 179 00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:47,680 show father. Sometimes he thinks I'm... 180 00:10:50,640 --> 00:10:53,320 Unlucky in love? 181 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:56,160 Exactly. Right, well, at ease, chaps. 182 00:10:56,160 --> 00:10:58,040 Cook. 183 00:10:58,040 --> 00:11:00,920 Come on. Back to work. 184 00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:08,400 Well, aye, the BP thing was a disaster. 185 00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:13,160 I mean, America started a war because they wanted oil and here 186 00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:15,880 it was, there all the time, eh? What a nonsense. 187 00:11:15,880 --> 00:11:18,440 Ken one thing I dinnae get, right, 188 00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:25,840 is that when you see these, like, oil spills, how come it's always birds with big beaks covered in oil? 189 00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:28,520 Why don't they just stay in the sky? 190 00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:31,440 That's what they're made for. 191 00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:33,240 Silly birds. 192 00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:47,480 Bored. 193 00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:49,320 Off with his pinkie! 194 00:11:49,320 --> 00:11:53,280 - Don't! - You really do have lady-wrists. 195 00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:57,000 - Do you have to get extra holes punched in your watches for that? - Aye! 196 00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:02,640 - Quelle shite-ing surprise. - I don't think that's on the menu, Sarge. 197 00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:06,840 Oh, ho ho ho ho. Funny benson, eh? 198 00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:08,680 'Scuse me while I go and change my Tena pants. 199 00:12:08,680 --> 00:12:13,040 So, lads, you enjoying your day off? 200 00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:17,680 - Yes, Sarge. - Aye, so am I. Scampi and chips washed down with four pints of sheep shagger. 201 00:12:17,680 --> 00:12:20,760 That beats a boke any day of the week. 202 00:12:20,760 --> 00:12:22,480 Where's Fanny Cradock? 203 00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:25,080 I think Chef is taking a delivery, Sarge. 204 00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:27,480 Oh, aye. 205 00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:32,080 Well, go on then, dinner ladies, let's see your skills. 206 00:12:32,080 --> 00:12:33,760 Pish! 207 00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:35,920 Ah, Cheffy, 208 00:12:35,920 --> 00:12:38,520 rustle us up a bacon buttie, would you? 209 00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:41,720 Sorry, Sergeant, I think you're thinking of a roadside cafe. 210 00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:43,960 This is a kitchen. 211 00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:47,760 I know this is a kitchen. I can see the sinks and... 212 00:12:47,760 --> 00:12:50,680 You must be the wife. 213 00:12:50,680 --> 00:12:52,400 He's steam boats. 214 00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:56,480 - What was that? - Calm doon, Nigella. It was only a peanut. 215 00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:58,040 I'm allergic! 216 00:12:58,040 --> 00:13:00,320 Just don't eat it, then. 217 00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:03,120 Get a grip of yourself. That's an order. 218 00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:05,000 It's only a shite peanut. 219 00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:07,920 He really doesnae like peanuts, eh? 220 00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:10,640 Anti... Histamine. 221 00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:14,200 He's doing his Marlon Brando impressions fi' The Godfather. 222 00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:17,480 - "Michael!" - No, he's saying antihistamine. 223 00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:19,640 Right, who's got a phone? He wants to phone his Auntie. 224 00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:21,720 No, antihistamine for his allergy. 225 00:13:21,720 --> 00:13:24,320 Well, don't just stand there, Doctor Pepper, away and get a medic. 226 00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:29,520 - And get some of those anti peanuts. - Is he gonnae die? 227 00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:31,760 You gonnae pop your catering clogs? 228 00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:35,360 Dinnae you worry about that, because even if he does, you'll still be working. 229 00:13:35,360 --> 00:13:37,360 Would we get the funeral off? 230 00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:38,920 We're here. 231 00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:42,000 You hear that, Chef? Lassie's got help. 232 00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:45,320 Keep... the... pigeon... moist. 233 00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:51,560 Moist pigeon. 234 00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:56,400 This is Charlie. 235 00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:59,520 His Mum and Dad don't want him any more. 236 00:13:59,520 --> 00:14:03,600 And he had to come and live in Afghanistan. 237 00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:06,280 It's very sad. 238 00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:10,560 But for just two pounds a month, you could help him 239 00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:13,480 get a better life. 240 00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:15,000 Make it a fiver. 241 00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:18,120 Cheeky monkey! 242 00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:26,080 Right. Having lost Chef to peanut shrapnel, I am now supervising. 243 00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:32,360 You are cooking. You've got the instructions in front of you, so if there's any questions, work it out. 244 00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:43,840 Yes, we will need the brandy for the sauce, and yes, Manuel, you can go and get it. 245 00:14:45,840 --> 00:14:48,120 Sorry, he's from Barcelona. 246 00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:05,360 Charlie, what kind of stock is it? 247 00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:18,200 Charlie, what kind of stock is it in there? 248 00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:19,720 Stop it! 249 00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:45,480 Durve. > 250 00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:48,400 Durve. 251 00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:49,760 Durve. 252 00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:52,160 Durve. 253 00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:53,280 Durve. 254 00:15:53,280 --> 00:15:55,360 Durve. 255 00:15:55,360 --> 00:15:58,160 Gary! 256 00:15:58,160 --> 00:15:59,720 Oh, you got my text then. 257 00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:01,640 Aye! I thought it was a party. 258 00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:04,800 But it's no' a party party, it's an arty farty party. 259 00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:06,360 And I look like a pure tramp. 260 00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:08,840 You don't look like a tramp. Your dress is too bright. 261 00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:10,080 Durve? 262 00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:11,920 - Durve? - Durve? 263 00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:14,520 All right. I've never had a durve before. 264 00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:16,480 What do you think? 265 00:16:16,480 --> 00:16:20,760 Thanks. I could eat about 50 of them. Am I allowed to eat 50 of them? 266 00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:23,520 Do they expand in your stomach? Are they like space food? 267 00:16:23,520 --> 00:16:25,200 What are you doing here? 268 00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:27,160 Gary text me asking if I want to come to a party? 269 00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:29,240 Look at you, you look like a butler. 270 00:16:29,240 --> 00:16:31,920 - As Fanshawe's bird? - Whose bird? 271 00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:35,720 - Who's Fanshawe? - Lads, a glass of, er... 272 00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:37,360 Don't mind if I do. 273 00:16:37,360 --> 00:16:41,640 Hello there, I'm Captain, er... 274 00:16:41,640 --> 00:16:43,600 - Fanshawe? - Yep. So they tell me. 275 00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:45,920 I was just asking aboot you. 276 00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:51,360 - Really? - Yes, Captain, this is Julie, who's the girl we've managed to get you for tonight. 277 00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:54,880 My actual God. Gary, that makes me sound like an actual lady of the streets. 278 00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:59,840 - And, er, are you? - Naw. She's my sister, sir. 279 00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:03,000 Well, jolly good. 280 00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:07,280 Anyway, I was just telling the lads that the chap 281 00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:10,920 who was supposed to be coming with me had a problem with her, em... 282 00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:14,000 With her what? 283 00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:17,600 - Diary. - Oh, her diary, right. 284 00:17:17,600 --> 00:17:20,040 Here, are yous going to be serving me drinks all night? 285 00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:22,080 Oh, my God, this is amazing. 286 00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:25,600 How much is it? I don't get paid till next week. I could get a loan out. 287 00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:29,920 I saw an advert on TV, they give you it quick, but they charge you hundreds to pay it back. 288 00:17:29,920 --> 00:17:35,240 Oh, God, I knew a girl that got into debt for, like, a hundred thousand thousand thousand pounds. Pounds! 289 00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:38,160 She's got a baby, actually four. 290 00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:40,400 Deep breath, Julie, that's it. Deep breaths. 291 00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:42,960 Free. Everything is free. 292 00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:46,840 Everything's free? Brilliant! 293 00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:53,120 Perhaps I should, er, introduce you to my, er... Rupes. 294 00:17:54,760 --> 00:17:57,240 Ah, Rupes. This is Julie. 295 00:17:57,240 --> 00:17:59,440 My lady for the evening. 296 00:17:59,440 --> 00:18:01,080 Pleasure to meet you. 297 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:03,760 Colonel Bloody Fanshawe. 298 00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:06,800 - This is my brother, Rupes. - Rupert Fanshawe. 299 00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:09,240 Welcome to the family. 300 00:18:09,240 --> 00:18:11,400 Er, no, Rupes, it's just for this evening. 301 00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:15,360 Hiya, I'm Julie Jackson. I'm Jacko's sister. 302 00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:18,080 Jacko! 303 00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:19,800 Long time, no see. 304 00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:23,120 I hardly recognised you dressed as a waiter. Really suits you. 305 00:18:23,120 --> 00:18:26,800 - Thanks. - Corporal McLintoch. 306 00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:28,840 At ease, Student. 307 00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:31,480 How do you two know each other? 308 00:18:31,480 --> 00:18:35,480 How do I know Jacko Jacksie Jackson? 309 00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:40,280 He was Gary's batman when Gary came to my uni, and we won the debate on Iraq. 310 00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:43,720 Well, I won the debate. 311 00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:48,720 Jacko was there, at the side, cheering us on to victory. 312 00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:50,840 We bonded that day. 313 00:18:50,840 --> 00:18:54,320 And now I have the honour of meeting his sister. 314 00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:57,400 It is literally shit the bed to make your acquaintance. 315 00:18:57,400 --> 00:19:00,720 Rupert! Mind your bloody language. 316 00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:03,160 - Sorry, Father. Colonel! - Don't worry aboot it. 317 00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:05,560 I don't even count shit as a sweary word. 318 00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:10,840 Bloody decent of you. Hells bells, it's bloody Chalky! 319 00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:13,760 Just look at you, serving me drinks. 320 00:19:13,760 --> 00:19:19,280 Makes me look forward to when I finally finish Sandhurst, come here and can command you in battle. 321 00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:21,240 That's funny actually 322 00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:23,960 cos Jacko was just saying he's really looking forward to that 323 00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:29,960 and he was also wondering if he could start practicing now by calling you Sir? 324 00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:31,800 Sure, why not? Practice makes perfect. 325 00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:34,640 Off you go. 326 00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:41,920 I look forward to you coming back here, Sir. 327 00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:44,760 That sounded good. 328 00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:51,120 Well, if you'll excuse us, we have some further benson activities to attend to. 329 00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:54,080 Bloody yeah. Epic win to see you both. 330 00:19:56,040 --> 00:19:58,960 Oh, Jacksie? 331 00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:01,120 Could I bother you for a top up? 332 00:20:08,080 --> 00:20:09,640 Eh, don't forget me, Jacksie. 333 00:20:15,360 --> 00:20:17,600 At ease, chaps. 334 00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:24,040 Jacksie! Can we start calling you Jacksie? 335 00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:26,320 Jacksie. Jacksie. 336 00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:32,480 To be honest, right, I don't know why Davey Cameron's always banging on aboot this big society. 337 00:20:32,480 --> 00:20:35,280 We've got a big society. 338 00:20:35,280 --> 00:20:38,640 I ken folk that are humungous. 339 00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:41,720 And they wear jeggings. 340 00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:46,560 It's horrible. 341 00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:51,320 - Durves oot? - Yes, Sarge. 342 00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:53,760 Starters now. Main's in the oven. 343 00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:55,960 Yes, Chef! 344 00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:58,320 - ALL: Yes, Chef! - He is properly wrecked. 345 00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:00,560 Yous talking about me? 346 00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:04,600 Well, dinnae bother, because I am talking about me. 347 00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:09,160 Soup's ready, Chef. 348 00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:12,080 I am happy with seasoning and consistency. 349 00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:14,520 Well, give yerself a bloody Michelin star. 350 00:21:14,520 --> 00:21:17,600 Is that the list wi' what folk are havin'? 351 00:21:17,600 --> 00:21:21,240 - Aye, how? - I just want to make sure that the young Rupert gets what's coming to him. 352 00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:22,880 That's very professional of you, Jacko. 353 00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:27,080 Well, he's having the soup and then the pigeon titties. 354 00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:29,000 Excellent. A fine choice. 355 00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:31,080 I thought I said move it. 356 00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:32,920 You never, Sarge, but we're just about tae. 357 00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:35,160 # I like to move it, move it. 358 00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:36,840 # I like to - move it! # 359 00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:42,640 - Where are yous going? - Just going to get more brandy for the sauce. 360 00:21:42,640 --> 00:21:45,840 Oh, aye. Aye, that's a good idea. Bring it oot. 361 00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:52,720 Now, who's having the cep mushroom with soup? 362 00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:55,960 Hammy baws, madam? 363 00:22:02,120 --> 00:22:05,360 - I won't ask. - Very wise. 364 00:22:11,560 --> 00:22:15,400 But I suppose that is one of the disadvantages of having an Aga. 365 00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:22,240 - Aga. - Soup, sir? - Yes, please. Just a "soup son". 366 00:22:22,440 --> 00:22:24,560 Get it? 367 00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:27,560 It's French! 368 00:22:27,560 --> 00:22:29,280 Very funny, sir. 369 00:22:29,280 --> 00:22:31,600 - Do enjoy. - Thank you. 370 00:22:36,840 --> 00:22:40,280 That is lovely. 371 00:22:40,280 --> 00:22:43,000 The seasoning is perfect. No salt required. 372 00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:44,560 Are you responsible for this? 373 00:22:44,560 --> 00:22:46,520 Just a smidge. 374 00:22:56,840 --> 00:22:59,560 - Where's Keith Floyd? - Don't know. - In the pisser? 375 00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:04,160 - Check these out. Perfecto. - Hey, don't you start with the French. 376 00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:05,960 Let's see the tatty dolphin noise. 377 00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:08,520 Michel Roux would be proud of these. 378 00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:10,200 Would she? 379 00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:14,560 - Right, what's the score? - I think you're losing. - Oh, ho. 380 00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:16,640 What's this? 381 00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:19,880 Well, this is pigeon, supposedly not the disease-ridden stinking ruined 382 00:23:19,880 --> 00:23:25,240 feet ones, and this is potato with a crusty, cheesy, parmesan topping. 383 00:23:25,240 --> 00:23:27,440 Is it just me, or is it hot in here? 384 00:23:27,440 --> 00:23:33,000 Right lads, let's get these plated up and get it oot there, then we can celebrate with a triple boke, eh? 385 00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:39,400 - Sarge? - Dinnae you raise your voice to me, you wee shite. 386 00:23:39,400 --> 00:23:42,040 - It'll be fine. - Em... 387 00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:52,560 - I suppose we could say it comes wi' carrots. - Oh, no. 388 00:23:52,560 --> 00:23:55,760 I'm off for some air. 389 00:23:55,760 --> 00:23:58,760 Sort this oot. It stinks. 390 00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:04,680 What are we going to do? 391 00:24:04,680 --> 00:24:06,920 I've got it! 392 00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:08,640 Hello, Pizza Hut? 393 00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:10,920 Aye, it is me, Gary. 394 00:24:10,920 --> 00:24:14,520 Listen, do you dae, em, pigeon pizzas? 395 00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:19,240 No. 396 00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:23,960 Oh, well, it was a long shot. All right, speak to you tomorrow. Cheers. 397 00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:26,000 We need tae give 'em something. 398 00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:30,480 - Something decent an' all. - Aye, something that every radge likes. 399 00:24:33,960 --> 00:24:35,800 Yas! 400 00:24:38,720 --> 00:24:41,680 Right, hurry up. Come on. 401 00:24:41,680 --> 00:24:45,480 - That's it. - What are we gonnae call it? We cannae say chips wi' brown sauce. 402 00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:48,960 Well, what's French for chips wi' broon sauce? 403 00:24:48,960 --> 00:24:50,640 Er... 404 00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:55,360 Les frites Ecossaise avec un sauce brun. 405 00:24:55,360 --> 00:24:58,280 Right, got it. Sorted. Come on. 406 00:24:58,280 --> 00:25:02,520 The problem with politics now is that there's nae characters. 407 00:25:02,520 --> 00:25:08,160 It's like in the tennis, right, because back in the day you had that John McEnroe. 408 00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:11,280 Remember him? I can dae him. 409 00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:13,720 Aye. You're nae serious! 410 00:25:16,160 --> 00:25:20,480 That was good, eh? I can dae loads. 411 00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:24,760 All right. Em, now we've got that Andy Murray, right, 412 00:25:24,760 --> 00:25:28,520 and he does get quite a lot of abuse, ken, for being dull and the 413 00:25:28,520 --> 00:25:33,200 way he speaks and that, but I'm sure he's recovering from an accident. 414 00:25:33,200 --> 00:25:37,480 Isn't he? I think he's doing, like, really well, hitting that ball. 415 00:25:37,480 --> 00:25:39,200 Go Andy! 416 00:25:49,400 --> 00:25:52,760 Er, OK chaps, if I could just have a bit of hush. 417 00:25:52,760 --> 00:26:00,280 Er, just want to congratulate the chaps for showing some great skill after the cook went into a coma. 418 00:26:00,280 --> 00:26:05,320 - But thankfully the chaps adapted to, er, battlefield conditions. - Jocks! 419 00:26:05,320 --> 00:26:08,960 And came up with a cracking dish called, em... 420 00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:19,840 Em, les French Fries avey Maria wi' une 421 00:26:19,840 --> 00:26:22,600 sauce broone. 422 00:26:22,600 --> 00:26:24,440 Ah, quite so. 423 00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:26,280 So, if you could all raise your, er... 424 00:26:28,160 --> 00:26:30,000 Cooks, the bloody cooks! 425 00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:32,160 To the cooks! 426 00:26:33,160 --> 00:26:36,080 KITCHEN! 427 00:26:46,600 --> 00:26:50,480 Hullo there! It's your weather with me, Adam Kenney. 428 00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:54,240 We are in the middle of a dryer spell than Charlie's sex life. 429 00:26:54,240 --> 00:27:02,040 Today it will be dry and dry, with spots of dry, followed by a big dod of dry. 430 00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:10,640 - Aw pure wet, man. - LAUGHTER 431 00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:17,680 Come on, lady-wrists, it's 2am. 432 00:27:19,360 --> 00:27:21,720 That was some shift, eh, boys? 433 00:27:21,720 --> 00:27:24,080 'Specially after last night. 434 00:27:24,080 --> 00:27:27,240 Aye. I cannae wait to see the nick ae Thomson the morrow. 435 00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:30,080 I doubt we'll even see him. Day off, lads. 436 00:27:30,080 --> 00:27:31,880 Aye aye! 437 00:27:31,880 --> 00:27:33,600 Right. 438 00:27:33,600 --> 00:27:38,520 There was nae Baileys and Coke, but I found some Spumanti and Irn Bru. 439 00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:43,680 So, well done, lads. Here's tae us. Enjoy your Spu. 440 00:27:43,840 --> 00:27:45,360 Spu! 441 00:27:56,040 --> 00:27:57,720 Up yous get! 442 00:27:57,720 --> 00:28:00,400 You've had your Sunday morning lie-in. 443 00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:05,800 It's 5am. Thank the Lord, it's chemical attack drill time. 444 00:28:05,800 --> 00:28:07,760 Move it, move it, move it! 445 00:28:07,760 --> 00:28:09,560 Chemical Attack! 446 00:28:11,640 --> 00:28:14,320 It's no' they peanuts again, is it? 447 00:28:18,600 --> 00:28:20,200 Come on, you Jessies. 448 00:28:20,200 --> 00:28:24,120 This is an urgent situation, it's a chemical attack. 449 00:28:24,120 --> 00:28:29,600 There are tiny wee shite-ing bugs trying to get into your every orifice. 450 00:28:29,600 --> 00:28:31,360 Right. Hit the deck, lads. 451 00:28:31,360 --> 00:28:33,840 Hit the deck! 452 00:28:42,800 --> 00:28:46,240 Subtitles by Red Bee Media 453 00:28:46,240 --> 00:28:50,600 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk