1
00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:07,040
- Ready.
- Ready.
- Go!

2
00:00:07,040 --> 00:00:12,800
One, two, three, four, five...

3
00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:42,880
'Demonstrations have been peaceful all day.

4
00:00:42,880 --> 00:00:45,880
'We're still awaiting confirmation that President Obama

5
00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:49,000
'will actually attend the climate conference, but, er...'

6
00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:55,920
What are we daein' here?

7
00:00:55,920 --> 00:00:58,960
We should be over there where the action is.

8
00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:01,760
Ach, the polis can just about handle

9
00:01:01,760 --> 00:01:04,720
a couple of lassie protesters wi' hairy legs.

10
00:01:04,720 --> 00:01:07,640
What are they even protesting aboot?

11
00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:11,680
Climate conference, load of rubbish. I mean, what is that?

12
00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:16,400
A bunch of world leaders sittin' aboot going, "Aye, it was well rainy in my bit this morning.

13
00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:19,320
"I got soaked because I forgot my jacket, I was ragin'!"

14
00:01:19,320 --> 00:01:22,640
Yeah, I bet wee Charlie would have some shite to say about this.

15
00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:24,760
- Nae doot.
- Aye.

16
00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:30,600
He'd be bangin' on aboot that carbon datin' and remissions.

17
00:01:30,600 --> 00:01:33,720
- Wee radge.
- I've got to say, though,

18
00:01:33,720 --> 00:01:36,480
it's not quite the same without him, eh?

19
00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:39,480
- Who?
- Nae Chat Charlie.

20
00:01:39,480 --> 00:01:41,440
Aye, he'd like this right enough.

21
00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:43,960
Cos it's dull. Really dull.

22
00:01:43,960 --> 00:01:45,560
I miss winding him up.

23
00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:47,680
Aye. He was good for that.

24
00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:49,720
Aye, it's weird, eh?

25
00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:51,280
Cannae dae it now.

26
00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:53,960
- He's gone to another place.
- Aye.

27
00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:58,160
- I wonder if he's getting wound up there?
- Guaranteed. 
- Deserves it, wee dick.

28
00:01:58,160 --> 00:01:59,720
Oh, it's strange, eh?

29
00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:04,240
One minute he was here, next minute he's gone.

30
00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:06,520
I never even had a chance to say goodbye.

31
00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:11,120
- I couldnae be arsed. 
- He wouldnae have minded.

32
00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:12,640
Do you know what?

33
00:02:12,640 --> 00:02:14,960
Like, overall?

34
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:17,600
I dinnae even miss him.

35
00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:19,280
Neither do I.

36
00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:23,480
When's he back?

37
00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:25,000
Couple o' weeks.

38
00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:26,720
What course is it he's daein'?

39
00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:29,160
Close Observation Operator.

40
00:02:29,160 --> 00:02:31,920
What's that? Learning how to use a magnifying glass?

41
00:02:31,920 --> 00:02:34,680
It's a tactical support course, at Catterick.

42
00:02:34,680 --> 00:02:37,160
All right, Charlie!

43
00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:38,800
You ever eaten a map?

44
00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:42,520
No. Course I havenae. Not even when I was really hungry.

45
00:02:42,520 --> 00:02:44,040
Whatcha...

46
00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:52,680
- Oh, oh, oh, oh, hey!
- Stop the bus!

47
00:02:54,640 --> 00:02:56,160
Hey!

48
00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:03,200
Hiya. I'm afraid this area's closed off.

49
00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:07,920
- I know it's closed off, it's my land. So if you'd let me through... 
- Sorry.

50
00:03:07,920 --> 00:03:13,040
Nae people or vehicles allowed past the perimeter in case any of they bam terrorists try and do a sneaky.

51
00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:15,520
I'm not a bam terrorist. I'm a farmer.

52
00:03:15,520 --> 00:03:17,240
Aye. So you say.

53
00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:20,360
- So, er, what's your name? 
- Duncan Jones.

54
00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:23,840
Ah, see, if you'd said Farmer Jones, then I might have believed you.

55
00:03:23,840 --> 00:03:28,840
Sorry, sir, no vehicles allowed past this point. End of.

56
00:03:28,840 --> 00:03:30,880
Ludicrous!

57
00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:32,320
Naw, Gary.

58
00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:35,400
You're thinking of the rapper. See you later.

59
00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:39,800
The war in Afghanistan,

60
00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:42,920
it's a bit like an episode of Hollyoaks.

61
00:03:42,920 --> 00:03:46,960
Cos you think eventually it'll get better, but it just doesnae.

62
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:51,200
It's all over the place and it gets mair and mair annoying

63
00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:53,320
and you hate everyone in it.

64
00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:58,160
In fact, that's unfair on war.

65
00:04:00,080 --> 00:04:03,800
I cannae actually tell you how much I hate Hollyoaks.

66
00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:11,480
We might have to patrol the first four miles, are we past that?

67
00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:13,520
Hold on, I'm looking.

68
00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:20,560
Right, we are precisely between, em...

69
00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:22,960
Don't tell me we actually need Charlie!

70
00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:31,600
- Lads! Lads! Can you see it? 
- What? Where?

71
00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:33,560
Ten o'clock, right across.

72
00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:35,120
- What is it?
- A rabbit.

73
00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:37,520
Get a grip, Gaz!

74
00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:41,760
Oh, no, like, a big one, like, a REALLY big one.

75
00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:44,040
I'm talking a massive Bugs Bunny.

76
00:04:44,040 --> 00:04:47,480
- I thought you were being serious, ya fanny.
- I am being serious!

77
00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:51,120
- It was a massive rabbit I just seen. 
- It's just a rabbit. Come on.

78
00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:54,600
No. It wasnae just a rabbit. Lads!

79
00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:57,120
We're gonnae need a bigger hutch.

80
00:04:58,640 --> 00:05:00,520
You talking about Jaws?

81
00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:03,640
- Bigger boat and that? 
- Aye, but I've changed it to hutch.

82
00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:06,320
- Cos it's a rabbit. 
- He doesnae say that.

83
00:05:06,320 --> 00:05:12,640
Chief Brody and the boat? I've seen it a hundred times, it does my head in. Brody sees Jaws

84
00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:18,080
and he says to Quint, "YOU'RE going to need a bigger boat," not, "WE'RE gonna need a bigger boat."

85
00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:21,800
All right, Angry Charlie! You're going to need a bigger hutch.

86
00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:25,240
Cos I have just seen a massively geometrically modified rabbit.

87
00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:29,360
Don't worry about it, we've got guns. Rabbits dinnae like guns.

88
00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:32,240
Ain't that wight, wabbit?

89
00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:34,440
'Alpha Zero Zero, over.'

90
00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:37,960
Er, go ahead, Alpha Zero Zero, over.

91
00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:40,560
'Status and location, over.'

92
00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:48,160
Em, Sarge, we are currently patrolling the perimeter fence.

93
00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:51,280
Sarge, what's the biggest rabbit you've ever seen? Over.

94
00:05:51,280 --> 00:05:53,240
'You taking the piss? Over.'

95
00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:55,600
No, Alpha Zero Zero, I'm no' taking the piss.

96
00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:58,720
Request to request what the biggest rabbit on Earth is? Over.

97
00:05:58,720 --> 00:06:01,680
'I suggest you let David Attenborough worry about that.

98
00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:06,480
'Get your shiteing arses to the perimeter gate A for not later than 1500 hours.

99
00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:10,560
'We may have a very special guest in attendance. Over.'

100
00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:16,560
- Barry Obama?
- 'That's a TBC. Just make sure you're there. Over and out.'
- Roger that.

101
00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:21,600
- Barry OB is a TBC, eh?
- Boys!

102
00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:26,920
- Rabbits! Rabbits, rabbits, rabbits! See, I told youse, but you never believed me!
- Right, come on!

103
00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:28,560
Naw. I want an apology.

104
00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:31,040
- All right, we see them. 
- You werenae making it up.

105
00:06:31,040 --> 00:06:35,920
Well, I dinnae count that as an apology, but all right. Rabbits! Rabbits! Stop!

106
00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:39,800
# Let's do it, let's do it, let's do it, let's do it

107
00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:42,640
# And do it, and do it, let's live it up

108
00:06:42,640 --> 00:06:46,360
# And do it, and do it, and do it, do it, do it

109
00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:49,160
# Let's do it, let's do it, let's do it

110
00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:53,400
- # Cos I gotta feeling 
- Whoo hoo

111
00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:56,840
# That tonight's gonna be a good night

112
00:06:56,840 --> 00:07:00,880
# That tonight's gonna be a good night

113
00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:04,760
# That tonight's gonna be a good, good night

114
00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:08,480
- # A feeling 
- Whoo hoo

115
00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:12,080
# That tonight's gonna be a good night

116
00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:15,920
# That tonight's gonna be a good night

117
00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:20,320
# That tonight's gonna be a good, good night... #

118
00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:25,480
- Haw! Look what we caught.
- Mum!

119
00:07:25,480 --> 00:07:28,280
- Are you OK?
- I'm fine, I'm fine.

120
00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:30,760
No thanks to you! Youse just left me.

121
00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:34,960
- Somebody's in trouble! 
- If it wasnae for these two, I'd still be wandering aboot.

122
00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:37,240
Don't you worry. It's good to help the aged.

123
00:07:37,240 --> 00:07:42,000
- Dinnae you get cheeky now, son, I'm no' too old to skelp your erse. 
- I'm no' too young to like it.

124
00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:44,960
- Aye aye!
- Youse are lucky we never shot youse.

125
00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:51,240
- Like rabbits.
- Oh, thanks, we're so grateful, action men(!)
- Brendan!

126
00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:54,560
Seriously, what are youse all aboot?

127
00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:01,840
We want to see Mr Obama.

128
00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:03,840
We have a very important gift for him.

129
00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:07,440
Oh, really? Hold on.

130
00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:12,680
Barry! Barry!

131
00:08:12,680 --> 00:08:14,160
No, I'm afraid he's no' in.

132
00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,400
So next time, I recommend posting it.

133
00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:20,400
His address is The White Hoose...

134
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:22,360
America. That should do it.

135
00:08:22,360 --> 00:08:25,560
I would appreciate it if you took us to see him right now.

136
00:08:25,560 --> 00:08:29,560
I'm not taking no for an answer.

137
00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:34,560
No. That's your answer. And you'll take it.

138
00:08:37,920 --> 00:08:39,640
OK.

139
00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:41,480
Never mind, George.

140
00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:47,760
Right. What to dae wi' youse, eh? What to dae wi' youse.

141
00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:50,160
- We need to hand them in.
- Aye?

142
00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:51,960
Your call, Gaz.

143
00:08:53,560 --> 00:08:58,440
A word in my office, please, gentlemen.

144
00:08:58,440 --> 00:09:00,160
We'll be right over here.

145
00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:04,640
Chattin' about youse.

146
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:21,160
No, we are not letting them go.

147
00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:24,960
Right. I know terrorists are stupid, right, but they're not that stupid.

148
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:29,720
I mean, Thomson doesnae ken about it, so why don't we just release them back into the wild?

149
00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:34,240
Well, if you want to risk them digging under a fence and getting through to Barry OB

150
00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:38,480
- with their gift of peace, that's up to you.
- Aye, but the old dear couldnae do that.

151
00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:41,200
I think she's fitter than she looks.

152
00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:43,160
Tell me you dinnae fancy her.

153
00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:45,720
Calm down, she's hardly a GRILF.

154
00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:48,120
Granny Rabbit I'd Like tae...

155
00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:51,720
- THEY SNIGGER 
- Feed? Aye. Right.

156
00:09:51,720 --> 00:09:55,200
OK, let's think about this. The pros and no' pros of letting them go.

157
00:09:55,200 --> 00:09:57,440
Jacko, no' pros?

158
00:09:57,440 --> 00:10:00,200
We let them go. They try it again.

159
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:03,720
They get through to Obama, or worse, Thomson, then we're all dead.

160
00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:07,680
- Pros?
- Right, we're taking them in. Get Thomson on the wireless,

161
00:10:07,680 --> 00:10:10,160
- let him know we're on our way, all right?
- How me?

162
00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:13,840
- Well, do you see Charlie anywhere? Get on it.
- Sake...

163
00:10:16,120 --> 00:10:17,680
Nae option, big man.

164
00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:20,240
I know. It's just that...

165
00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:22,600
Doesnae matter.

166
00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:27,080
- Nae bother.
- I've never actually told anyone this before,

167
00:10:27,080 --> 00:10:29,160
but see when I was wee?

168
00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:31,400
I had a rabbit.

169
00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:32,920
And it died.

170
00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:37,520
What happened, like?

171
00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:39,440
I shouted at it.

172
00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:44,800
It was annoying me, I was only eight.

173
00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:48,200
I was trying to get it to fetch a stick, but it wouldnae.

174
00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:50,480
So I screamed, "I dinnae like you!

175
00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:53,080
"I always wanted a dug, no' a rabbit!"

176
00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:58,000
Ken, like, right in its face.

177
00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:01,920
Then later that night,

178
00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:04,000
it died.

179
00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:09,280
You cannae kill a rabbit by shouting at it.

180
00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:10,920
I did.

181
00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:12,440
What time of year was this?

182
00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:15,120
Couple of days after my birthday, in January.

183
00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:18,640
Gary, it was probably the cold.

184
00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:21,920
Naw, it wasnae.

185
00:11:23,640 --> 00:11:25,760
That rabbit loved the cold.

186
00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:28,520
It was me, Jacko,

187
00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:30,400
I killed him.

188
00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:34,680
Right, well,

189
00:11:34,680 --> 00:11:36,800
you have just got to remember

190
00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:42,200
that they are people dressed as rabbits, no' actual rabbits. Come on!

191
00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:43,240
Aye.

192
00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:47,320
Poor Fido.

193
00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:48,920
Shame.

194
00:11:48,920 --> 00:11:53,400
- You secure that shit, McLintoch! Focus!
- Aye!

195
00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:56,400
I've already lost one rabbit, I'm no' gonna lose another.

196
00:11:58,320 --> 00:11:59,480
We're taking them in.

197
00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:13,720
Does he want to take any longer?

198
00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:17,960
For goodness sake, do you time folk doin' a pee in the Army?

199
00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:20,200
Sometimes. Depends how bored we are.

200
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:24,720
- He'll be flooding that field soon enough.
- That's no' him.

201
00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:29,440
- He's taken the suit off. He's doing a runner!
- Yes!
- Brendan!

202
00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:31,760
This wasnae part of the plan.

203
00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:34,440
Oh, aye, George, and getting caught was?

204
00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:36,320
Right, Adam, doon ye get.

205
00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:39,120
- Make sure Elmer Fudd doesnae lose the plot.
- Right.

206
00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:41,280
WOMAN WAILS

207
00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:48,680
Ah, ya bastard!

208
00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:50,880
Man doon! Man doon!

209
00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:54,400
Run, rabbits, run, run, run! Come on!

210
00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:02,080
Y'all right? What happened?

211
00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:04,600
Rabbit hole. Didnae see it.

212
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:07,440
See youse? Honestly!

213
00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:10,240
Well done, lads, for catching Billy Elliott there.

214
00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:14,840
- Nah, he came back when he heard Jacko fall.
- Thought he hurt himself.

215
00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:20,880
- He has hurt himself, as indicated by his "Mariah Carey seein' a spider" scream.
- Shut your hole!

216
00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:23,000
See what you've done?

217
00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:27,200
I think somebody might be wanting to have a word with him.

218
00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:32,560
I would, but my throat's a wee bit tickly.

219
00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:35,760
Well, I think you did very well to help the soldier, son.

220
00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:37,720
Very proud.

221
00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:41,800
Pop your suit back on, you'll catch your death in your pants.

222
00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:49,080
- Right.
- It would appear that rabbit family discipline operates a bit differently.

223
00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:52,160
Do you want tae apologise?

224
00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:57,320
I'm sorry.

225
00:13:57,320 --> 00:13:59,200
All right.

226
00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:01,080
Look at him,

227
00:14:01,080 --> 00:14:02,840
he's a wreck.

228
00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:09,640
Emotionally, physically, virtually, that man is broken inside.

229
00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:11,200
Gary, let's go.

230
00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:12,760
See?

231
00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:19,240
D'you need a tissue? Hmm?

232
00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:23,400
What was it that they said? Ehm...

233
00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:29,120
"The BP oil spill is environment's 9/11"?

234
00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:32,600
Hardly. It happened in April.

235
00:14:35,720 --> 00:14:40,040
Sorry about Brendan, he's been having some difficulties at school.

236
00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:47,760
- Four As and a B in his exams and he just hasn't got over the B at all, poor thing.
- Aye, nightmare.

237
00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:51,760
Only B I got at school was the one that stung me. Get it?

238
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:53,760
Aye, that's a good joke, Gary.

239
00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:55,520
Ho!

240
00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:57,160
That was Thomson.

241
00:14:57,160 --> 00:14:59,040
He wants us back, pronto.

242
00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:02,000
Security's getting beefed up for a special guest.

243
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:05,880
Ah, see? I knew he was here, mother, eh? What did I say?

244
00:15:05,880 --> 00:15:09,000
Knew who was here? We could be talking about Tina Turner.

245
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:10,680
Old hag.

246
00:15:10,680 --> 00:15:13,400
Anyway, it hardly matters now, George.

247
00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:15,880
I don't think Barack Obama does jail visits.

248
00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:19,480
The polis will get the rabbits at the checkpoint, 1500 hours.

249
00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:22,400
Gonnae be tight wi' Hopalong here, eh?

250
00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:27,600
Please, before we're handed over, could you not just escort us along to Mr Obama

251
00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:31,680
- and we could give him our gift and leave, you know, without any trouble.
- Right.

252
00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:35,280
What exactly is this gift of peace?

253
00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:38,880
- It's in ma pouch.
- Hey, Gary!

254
00:15:38,880 --> 00:15:42,720
It's nothing dangerous. I mean, we made it ourselves.

255
00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:45,400
Aye. We've heard that one before.

256
00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:49,000
Right, seriously. See if youse are suicide rabbits,

257
00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:51,320
I will no' be happy. Is that understood?

258
00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:52,880
Of course we're not.

259
00:15:52,880 --> 00:15:56,600
I mean, Sue here does a pottery class on a Thursday.

260
00:15:56,600 --> 00:16:01,960
I've just taken up yoga. I mean, we've so much to live for.

261
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:03,920
I'm gonna be sick!

262
00:16:03,920 --> 00:16:06,680
Listen, boys, we're no' suicidal anythings.

263
00:16:06,680 --> 00:16:10,120
- We're no' interested in virgins. 
- Gran!

264
00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:13,120
Calm doon, Brendan, you'll find a girl soon.

265
00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:18,120
Right, go on then. Let's see it.

266
00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:22,840
Unroll it.

267
00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:32,600
THEY LAUGH

268
00:16:34,520 --> 00:16:36,440
Aw, naw!

269
00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:01,120
Seriously, is that meant to be Barack Obama?

270
00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:06,800
Tell them, dear, go on, tell them the story.

271
00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:09,480
Well.

272
00:17:09,480 --> 00:17:11,480
When I used to work in the bank,

273
00:17:11,480 --> 00:17:16,200
one day, a lady came to ask me for a loan.

274
00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:20,480
- Is this going to get a bit more exciting?
- Hey, cloth ears, listen.

275
00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:22,440
Thank you, mother.

276
00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:27,480
She wanted a loan because she was a single mother and she was behind with her rent.

277
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:32,120
She had a bad credit rating, so I couldn't lend her the money.

278
00:17:32,120 --> 00:17:34,840
But when I was just about to tell her that,

279
00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:42,800
her young daughter leant across the desk and gave me a picture of a piggy bank that she'd drawn,

280
00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:46,600
with the word "please" underneath.

281
00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:50,120
- SHE SOBS 
- Every time!

282
00:17:50,120 --> 00:17:54,840
- Right.
- So, I couldn't refuse her.

283
00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:57,360
You know, I lent her the money.

284
00:17:57,360 --> 00:18:01,680
That personal message from her daughter had made all the difference, you see?

285
00:18:01,680 --> 00:18:04,080
And did she repay the loan?

286
00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:08,120
Eh? Oh, no, she defaulted and ended up being evicted, but that's not the point.

287
00:18:08,120 --> 00:18:14,120
'Come in, Alpha Zero Zero. Where the bloody hell are you? Over.'

288
00:18:14,120 --> 00:18:16,400
Right. Let me get this straight.

289
00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:18,600
Youse want a loan off Barack?

290
00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:20,120
No, no.

291
00:18:20,120 --> 00:18:23,960
We want to deliver our message of peace personally,

292
00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:28,400
see, so that he'll remember it when he comes to make decisions that affect us all.

293
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:32,920
- And what makes you think that he'll no' default?
- Hope.

294
00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:35,800
Where's that shortbread? I'm starvin'!

295
00:18:37,880 --> 00:18:40,600
She's brilliant.

296
00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:46,240
I can't watch rabbits like this, it's breaking my heart.

297
00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:48,440
Snip the ties.

298
00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:53,560
This is taking ages.

299
00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:56,160
Leave me, youse drop them, I'll catch up.

300
00:18:56,160 --> 00:19:01,360
No way. Even though you fell and embarrassed yourself, you're coming tae.

301
00:19:01,360 --> 00:19:04,240
- C'mon, let's do this. 
- There's a farmhouse no' far.

302
00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:07,040
Maybe we could take possession of a quad.

303
00:19:07,040 --> 00:19:09,600
Good thinking, Mr Bailiff.

304
00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:13,640
- SUE WHIMPERS 
- She always like that?

305
00:19:13,640 --> 00:19:15,760
She cries watching Neighbours.

306
00:19:15,760 --> 00:19:17,560
To be fair...

307
00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:20,480
Right, you, come on. Try no' tae think about the jail.

308
00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:22,480
First stop, the police and MI5.

309
00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:26,520
- SHE CRIES 
- Happy thoughts, Sue, happy thoughts.

310
00:19:26,520 --> 00:19:31,560
I swear I am that close to, like, shoutin' in their rabbit faces!

311
00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:32,600
C'mon.

312
00:19:51,520 --> 00:19:58,480
Aah! Goodness me, look who it is. It's Farmer Jones!

313
00:19:58,480 --> 00:20:03,840
Everybody, this is Farmer Jones. Farmer Jones, this is, eh, everybody.

314
00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:08,840
- How lovely it is to see you again. 
- What is it this time? Am I not allowed to be in my own house?

315
00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:14,200
No, no, you're very welcome to be in your own hoose, and what a lovely hoose it is as well.

316
00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:20,040
- You must sell a lot of potatoes. 
- It's a livestock farm. As in cows, sheep, horses.

317
00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:24,320
Oh, aye, I get you, as in, like, Old Macdonald, ee-I, ee-I-oh, eh?

318
00:20:24,320 --> 00:20:30,480
Aye. Well, listen, my comrade with arms here, Jacko, has, eh, managed

319
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:34,320
to sprain his ankle chasing these there rabbits...

320
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:39,360
long story... and I wondered, with your permission, if we could commandeer one of your vehicles?

321
00:20:39,360 --> 00:20:44,200
- I thought you said no vehicles allowed.
- I did say no vehicles.

322
00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:49,360
Well, I wouldn't want you guys to get into trouble now, so, er, no.

323
00:20:49,360 --> 00:20:51,720
- What about a horse?
- Sick.

324
00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:55,040
- All of them? - Aye. End of.

325
00:20:55,040 --> 00:21:00,520
Please, anything you can spare to help, they're good men, really.

326
00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:04,040
Thanks. Much appreciated.

327
00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:07,280
Besides, we've got to get them back to get them arrested, so...

328
00:21:07,280 --> 00:21:10,720
SHE SOBS

329
00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:13,040
Come on, darling. It's OK.

330
00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:16,640
Wait here.

331
00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:27,880
Unit C, set. Join up with Fifth no later than 1505 hours. Over.

332
00:21:43,920 --> 00:21:48,760
WHY ARE YOU RIDING A COW?

333
00:21:48,760 --> 00:21:52,320
He sprained his ankle. It was the quickest way to get here.

334
00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:54,640
A cow ambulance?!

335
00:21:54,640 --> 00:22:00,960
We will talk about this later. And these numpties are either the medical team or the trespassers.

336
00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:05,840
There's no such thing as trespassing on public land. Have you never heard of the right to roam?

337
00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:11,400
Listen, son, very shortly, you will have the right to remain silent,

338
00:22:11,400 --> 00:22:15,280
and I very much suggest you start PRACTISING THAT NOW!

339
00:22:15,280 --> 00:22:17,800
Sarge... he's just a teenager.

340
00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:20,960
HE'S AN IDIOT! You'll all get along very well!

341
00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:26,160
Gary, it's been nice meeting you. You have a kind heart.

342
00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:30,480
- Spread the message of peace, eh, Gary?
- I will.

343
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:33,640
Will we be charged?

344
00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:35,800
Does a rabbit eat carrots?

345
00:22:35,800 --> 00:22:39,440
- SHE WHIMPERS 
- Och, we'll be OK, Sue.

346
00:22:39,440 --> 00:22:43,440
No, you won't. That's it, this way, dear.

347
00:22:43,440 --> 00:22:45,920
Dear? Dear?

348
00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:49,000
Away and stick that dear up your arse, ya baldy coot!

349
00:22:50,120 --> 00:22:54,440
Don't! Why are those vermin dressed as rabbits?

350
00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:57,600
Dunno. We never thought tae ask.

351
00:22:57,600 --> 00:23:00,040
I don't know who's more stupid, you or them!

352
00:23:00,040 --> 00:23:03,560
- Now get in position, El Presidente is on his way.
- Yas!

353
00:23:03,560 --> 00:23:08,240
Barry OB was a TBC. Now he's a BC with an ETA of... shortly.

354
00:23:08,240 --> 00:23:10,080
We're back in the game, eh?

355
00:23:10,080 --> 00:23:14,320
Keep sharp, you ladies are on this post. Think you can manage that?

356
00:23:14,320 --> 00:23:16,720
Easy, Sarge. Standing on one leg.

357
00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:19,280
- Jackson? - Aye, I'll have to.

358
00:23:19,280 --> 00:23:23,400
Aye, you're right. I'm taking the outer perimeter with the bobbies.

359
00:23:23,400 --> 00:23:28,440
Sarge... any chance you could maybe say to the polis, em,

360
00:23:28,440 --> 00:23:31,680
not to shout at the rabbits too much?

361
00:23:31,680 --> 00:23:34,160
Not to shout at them?

362
00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:39,440
Listen, Terry Nutkins, you are in the Army, not the Really Wild Show.

363
00:23:39,440 --> 00:23:41,360
Now GET IN POSITION!

364
00:23:41,360 --> 00:23:43,840
AAAH, YA BASTARD!

365
00:23:57,800 --> 00:24:00,080
Black, white, broon...

366
00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:02,040
yellow, blue, green, orange,

367
00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:05,000
right, it makes nae difference to me, right?

368
00:24:05,000 --> 00:24:08,640
And I just dinnae get it when folk are funny about colour.

369
00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:11,480
A Smartie's a Smartie.

370
00:24:11,480 --> 00:24:15,200
They all taste the same.

371
00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:19,560
Apart from maybe the orange ones,

372
00:24:19,560 --> 00:24:25,720
but I don't know if that's, like, cyclo-semantic, ken?

373
00:24:30,120 --> 00:24:32,680
GARY SIGHS

374
00:24:32,680 --> 00:24:36,640
Gary, you need to let this go.

375
00:24:36,640 --> 00:24:38,360
I know, it's just...

376
00:24:38,360 --> 00:24:43,080
sometimes I think if I hadn't just shouted right in its face

377
00:24:43,080 --> 00:24:47,880
and said I wanted a dug instead, it might still be alive.

378
00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:50,560
Lads, lads, the Big Man!

379
00:24:55,040 --> 00:24:57,160
Check oot the size of they motors!

380
00:24:57,160 --> 00:24:59,320
On his way to a climate conference an' aw!

381
00:24:59,320 --> 00:25:03,600
He's the most important man in the world, he's hardly gonnae pitch up on a scooter.

382
00:25:03,600 --> 00:25:06,320
Aye, but maybe he doesnae have his licence, eh?

383
00:25:06,320 --> 00:25:09,440
Lads, that's it!

384
00:25:09,440 --> 00:25:14,120
- Stall the first car.
- Whit? 
- Stop the front car.
- Whit?

385
00:25:14,120 --> 00:25:16,280
Just dae it. Stop the car at the front.

386
00:25:16,280 --> 00:25:17,960
- We'll get shot.
- We cannae.

387
00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:21,480
"Yes we can", right? Stop the car, dae it.

388
00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:25,520
Whoa, whoa, whoa, just a moment, please.

389
00:25:25,520 --> 00:25:29,680
We've been instructed to double check security clearance before you proceed,

390
00:25:29,680 --> 00:25:33,080
just to make sure there's no clear and present danger.

391
00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:34,640
Safety first an' that.

392
00:25:39,760 --> 00:25:44,960
What's he... Oh, you've got to be kiddin' me!

393
00:25:47,440 --> 00:25:49,920
He's got the tapestry.

394
00:25:49,920 --> 00:25:52,120
He's giving it to Obama!

395
00:25:59,240 --> 00:26:00,880
OK, come here.

396
00:26:00,880 --> 00:26:06,040
OK! We're in the pipe, five by five. All right, on you go.

397
00:26:47,800 --> 00:26:49,680
What? I just gave him that.

398
00:26:49,680 --> 00:26:51,200
What did he say?

399
00:26:51,200 --> 00:26:53,200
Obama's got one M.

400
00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:55,720
Honestly!

401
00:26:55,720 --> 00:26:58,760
What a cheek! Did he say anything else?

402
00:26:58,760 --> 00:27:00,560
"Have a nice day."

403
00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:03,880
Oh, they always say that, eh? Even if you shout at them.

404
00:27:03,880 --> 00:27:07,520
I wouldnae want to see you shouting at Barry OB, not with your track record.

405
00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:11,880
Aye, fair enough, eh? I couldnae have that on my conscience as well.

406
00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:17,280
The assassination of B-OB using my voice? Shockin'.

407
00:27:17,280 --> 00:27:21,040
MOBILE PHONE PLAYS "RESPECTABLE" BY MEL & KIM

408
00:27:22,040 --> 00:27:24,280
Hello, Spelling B, Z speaking.

409
00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:26,320
Naw, it's me, Gary.

410
00:27:26,320 --> 00:27:28,280
All right, Charlie!

411
00:27:28,280 --> 00:27:30,120
Wahey!

412
00:27:30,120 --> 00:27:32,280
How're you getting on?

413
00:27:32,280 --> 00:27:34,320
Oh, you passed?

414
00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:37,240
Hear that?

415
00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:39,880
Aye, nothing!

416
00:27:40,920 --> 00:27:43,440
Ach, no' much.

417
00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:50,320
Seen a few rabbits, a cow... Oh, we seen Barry OB's motor.

418
00:27:50,320 --> 00:27:51,840
OK, listen...

419
00:27:51,840 --> 00:27:54,680
does Obama have one M or two?

420
00:27:56,320 --> 00:28:00,600
Aye, that's what he said. Doesnae matter.

421
00:28:00,600 --> 00:28:04,160
Aye, me and the boys were just sayin', it'll be great to see you back.

422
00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:05,840
Naw, no' really!

423
00:28:05,840 --> 00:28:08,000
All right, then.

424
00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:11,600
Aye, OK, brilliant. Right, catch you later.

425
00:28:11,600 --> 00:28:13,080
Idiot!

426
00:28:44,840 --> 00:28:47,880
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

427
00:28:47,880 --> 00:28:50,920
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk