1 00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:54,440 Charlie. 2 00:00:54,440 --> 00:00:56,000 You've missed a bit. 3 00:00:56,000 --> 00:00:58,240 - Where? - There. 4 00:00:58,240 --> 00:01:02,920 # There on the stair, right there A little mouse with clogs on. # 5 00:01:02,920 --> 00:01:05,800 I wasn't going to say that! 6 00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:08,080 - Where then? - There. 7 00:01:08,080 --> 00:01:09,120 Where?! 8 00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:11,320 ALL: # There on the stair, right there 9 00:01:11,320 --> 00:01:13,760 # A little mouse with clogs on 10 00:01:13,760 --> 00:01:16,560 # Well, I declare Going clip clippety clop 11 00:01:16,560 --> 00:01:18,480 # On the stair Oh, yeah! # 12 00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:27,800 Cleaning has to be like one of the worst things in the actual world. 13 00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:30,560 - Worse than war and famine? - Aye, much worse. 14 00:01:30,560 --> 00:01:32,400 Without war we'd be oot of a job. 15 00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:35,000 At least with famine you're too weak to clean. 16 00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:36,960 Is that your excuse for this morning, aye? 17 00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:38,880 Aye, soon to be sorted. 18 00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:44,480 Crisps or chocolate, or crisps AND chocolate. That is the question. 19 00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:51,760 Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the single Twix or the outrageous fortune of the Twirl. 20 00:01:51,760 --> 00:01:54,960 I don't know what you're sayin', but I don't like it. So stop it. 21 00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:58,320 I'm just lookin' at this. You're the one sick o' cleanin'. 22 00:01:58,320 --> 00:02:02,320 The MOD are looking for the new face of the Army for an upcoming advert. 23 00:02:02,320 --> 00:02:04,640 Obviously, they're looking for real soldiers. 24 00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:06,160 That's you oot, then. 25 00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:09,480 That's me in. Birds go crazy for actors. 26 00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:12,000 I could be the next Howard frae the bank. 27 00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:16,360 - He got the sack. - Good. I hate those ads. Gary, do you want to hurry up. - What did he get the sack for? 28 00:02:16,360 --> 00:02:18,760 - Cos of the banking crisis. - Did he cause it, like? 29 00:02:18,760 --> 00:02:23,320 Only if it turns out he was a key player in the reckless lending practices of the sub prime market. 30 00:02:23,320 --> 00:02:24,840 Haw, Newsnight...shut it. 31 00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:29,400 - Plain and simple, the guy was a prize tool. Gary! - Right! 32 00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:32,320 Sounds like a wee bit of jealousy there, my boy! 33 00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:36,040 Here, I bet Howard was pumpin' birds over the counter after they ads. 34 00:02:36,040 --> 00:02:39,360 - Jacko's still relying on the spank bank. - You're funny(!) 35 00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:41,600 Gaz, you'd better hurry up. Mr Grumpy's coming out. 36 00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:44,480 - What're you on about, you tit? - He doesnae sound grumpy to me. 37 00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:45,920 - Nah, no way(!) - Gary! 38 00:02:46,920 --> 00:02:48,440 Right. 39 00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:50,120 Aye. No. 40 00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:53,760 Aye. No. Em... 41 00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:55,040 Aye. No. 42 00:02:56,040 --> 00:02:57,520 Aye, Curly Wurly. 43 00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:02,080 - Awww, see youse? - Whit? 44 00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:06,200 You put me off. Now ma Curly Wurly's stuck in the machine. 45 00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:10,600 That'll no work, you have to shake it. 46 00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:12,280 Right, well give him a hand then. 47 00:03:12,280 --> 00:03:13,520 Ready? 48 00:03:16,560 --> 00:03:17,600 Jacko, watch! 49 00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:20,360 Oh, ya bastards! 50 00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:24,040 - You all right? - No! You could have broken my bloody foot, ya tube! 51 00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:27,880 - All right, brother, calm doon. - Don't call me your brother. Do I look like a junkie? 52 00:03:32,360 --> 00:03:35,600 What the bloody hell's happened here then? 53 00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:38,320 - Em. - Well? 54 00:03:38,320 --> 00:03:42,880 Well, er, we finished our cleaning duties as per your brilliant instruction 55 00:03:42,880 --> 00:03:47,880 and then, next thing I know, we're in here and my Curly Wurly got stuck in the machine. 56 00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:51,320 So you thought you'd vandalise the Queen's own property. 57 00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:53,240 Sorry, I didn't realise it was the Queen's. 58 00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:56,560 - Has she had problems with it as well? - Shut it! 59 00:03:56,560 --> 00:03:59,440 Get this piece of crap back on its feet. 60 00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:08,400 Don't even think about it. 61 00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:11,920 So, you've finished your duties, have you? 62 00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:15,200 I think I've underestimated how much you ladies like cleaning. 63 00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:19,920 - Naw, you havenae, honestly. - Oh, I think I have. Follow me. 64 00:04:21,440 --> 00:04:23,720 I knew I should have got a Chomp. 65 00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:26,000 NOW! 66 00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:27,880 Aye, Army pay's actually all right. 67 00:04:27,880 --> 00:04:30,640 I mean I think you get mair than working in Greggs, 68 00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:36,320 but then you don't get shot at in Greggs, eh? Or no often. 69 00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:39,760 So you should get mair, in fact, I think any job that getting shot at 70 00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:42,720 is part of your job description, then you should get mair. 71 00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:46,480 I mean, I'm no saying that working in Greggs isnae stressful. 72 00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:51,560 It probably is, like, folk asking ye all the time, "Are the sausage rolls hot?" 73 00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:54,760 Like they must get asked that like hundreds of times a day, eh? 74 00:04:54,760 --> 00:05:00,200 I mean, I ask it, cos a cold sausage roll frae Greggs, nah. 75 00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:04,800 But then if they say, "Oh, they're just out the oven", you dinnae want a boiling one 76 00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:10,040 so you say it, like, "No, no, one frae the back", so it's like not too hot, eh? 77 00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:14,320 But, like, all the time they folk asking you, like, all the time, 78 00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:17,840 that's mair stressful than the Army, eh? It would be. 79 00:05:17,840 --> 00:05:21,120 I mean we dinnae get folk asking us that all the time, eh? 80 00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:24,240 Mebbe they should get paid more... 81 00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:27,600 ..cos I'd end up shooting folk. 82 00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:29,240 "Are these sausage rolls...?" 83 00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:33,360 Crew, this is your lucky day. 84 00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:38,000 We have some willing volunteers to take over. Dismissed! 85 00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:41,600 I want the trucks spotless, inside and out. 86 00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:44,160 I want the tyres checked and cleaned. 87 00:05:44,160 --> 00:05:48,840 I want all of these supplies taken back to the kitchen, logged and signed for. 88 00:05:48,840 --> 00:05:56,280 By the end of today, I want this hangar looking cleaner than a Taliban porno. Is that understood? 89 00:05:56,280 --> 00:05:57,520 ALL: Yes, Sarge. 90 00:05:57,520 --> 00:06:00,920 And then there's hangars 9, 10, 11 and 15 needing done. 91 00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:05,240 But, Sarge, we were cleaning all last week, now we're cleaning all this week. We're all cleaned oot! 92 00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:08,160 I know. But that's why I've given you Friday off. 93 00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:09,960 - Really? - Aye, absolutely. 94 00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:12,600 - Yas! - All the cleaning will be done by then. 95 00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:17,560 So on Friday you mugs will be taking a full store and equipment inventory. 96 00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:20,480 Please, Sarge, we will do anything. 97 00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:22,520 I know you will. 98 00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:25,440 Now get on with it. And, em... 99 00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:27,240 enjoy. 100 00:06:27,240 --> 00:06:28,640 Hm. 101 00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:32,840 Right, we just need to get on with it. 102 00:06:32,840 --> 00:06:35,880 - Shut up. - This is all your fault, bloody Curly Wurlys. 103 00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:40,320 - Don't blame me, blame Charlie. - How? - Cos that's what you're here for. 104 00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:43,400 It wisnae me that pushed the machine over, that was the human domino. 105 00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:46,400 Aye, it was my fault. I'm as bad as my junkie brother, eh? 106 00:06:56,800 --> 00:06:59,320 - Jacko. - What? 107 00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:04,800 Go on. 108 00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:06,080 No. 109 00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:08,120 - Go on, go on. - No! 110 00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:12,280 - Go on. - NO. 111 00:07:14,640 --> 00:07:15,720 - Go on. - NO! 112 00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:20,600 What a performance. 113 00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:21,640 Aye. 114 00:07:23,880 --> 00:07:24,920 Exactly! 115 00:07:24,920 --> 00:07:29,680 - Eh? - You, my little idiot, are not that big an idiot, eh? 116 00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:32,480 I'll see youse in five. 117 00:07:32,480 --> 00:07:35,520 Where are you going? 118 00:07:35,520 --> 00:07:37,280 To the "toilet"... 119 00:07:37,280 --> 00:07:41,200 to dae something "amazing". Aye! 120 00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:51,600 MUSIC: "Sabotage" by Beastie Boys 121 00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:53,040 Aw, c'mon, just think about it as a big advert, eh? 122 00:08:53,040 --> 00:08:54,760 "Cos you're worth it!" 123 00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:58,000 Aw c'mon Jacko, Jacksie, frae Jacksville, Tennessee. 124 00:08:58,000 --> 00:09:01,960 If you want to make a tit of yourself in an advert, dae it. I'm no'. 125 00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:04,920 Oh, come on, just imagine you're walking doon the street 126 00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:08,120 and folk are pointing at you and saying, "Oh, there's that guy 127 00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:13,520 - "who knows Gary, the new face of the Army", I'd be, like, "Aye, I totally know him. It's fine". - Aye... 128 00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:16,000 That's convinced me(!) 129 00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:18,440 - Are you scared like? - No! 130 00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:20,960 Do you know what? I think it might be a good thing. 131 00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:22,400 Get the morale back in this team. 132 00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:26,000 Aye. I think me getting... us getting this advert would be really good for morale. 133 00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:28,280 I'm no bothered, if it means getting out of that inventory. 134 00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:31,560 I think it's more likely a delay, Thomson'll probably make us do it on Monday. 135 00:09:31,560 --> 00:09:35,080 No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. 136 00:09:35,080 --> 00:09:38,720 Cos I spoke to Spammy in the store and he says we've got to do it on the Friday 137 00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:41,520 cos they're getting a big delivery on the Saturday, eh? 138 00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:45,280 So, just say it. "Gary, you're an amazingly brilliant individual." 139 00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:47,400 Just leave him out if he's shiteing a brick about it. 140 00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:52,080 I'm no shitting a brick about it. I'm just no' as keen as you to look like a total fanny. 141 00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:55,560 It willnae be me lookin' like a total fanny, I can guarantee you that. 142 00:09:55,560 --> 00:09:58,440 - That's no fair. We've no even seen Charlie act yet. - Wha'? 143 00:09:58,440 --> 00:10:02,280 - He willnae be the worst anyway. - Is that right? - Aye, it is right! 144 00:10:02,280 --> 00:10:05,160 Right! That is enough. 145 00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:10,000 Cos we know Charlie's going to be the worst. Now, are you in, or are you oot? 146 00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:13,360 All right. 147 00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:15,360 YAAASSS! 148 00:10:15,360 --> 00:10:17,480 High ten! 149 00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:19,040 All right. 150 00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:20,800 Supporting cast confirmed. 151 00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:23,640 - And we've got a rehearsal at ma Dad's hoose tonight. - What? 152 00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:26,200 Jacko, if I... If we are going to get this advert, 153 00:10:26,200 --> 00:10:29,480 we need to prepare something, ken, for the audition, you know? 154 00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:31,880 - Show them something. - Like a bit of Shakespeare? 155 00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:33,440 No. Something good. 156 00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:38,360 I'm Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, your senior drill instructor, 157 00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:41,600 and from now on you will only speak when you are spoken to. 158 00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:46,640 And the first and last words out of your filthy sewers will be the word, "Sir". 159 00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:49,160 Do you maggots understand that? 160 00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:50,920 ALL: Sir, yes, sir. 161 00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:54,920 Right, hold on, right. Jacko, come on! You've seen Full Metal Jacket. 162 00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:58,720 - So? - So can you start doing it properly, like shoutin'? 163 00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:01,480 - Cannae be arsed. - Prima donna. - What's that? 164 00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:05,040 - Here we go. - Adam said pre-Madonna. I don't know why, but it was funny. 165 00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:06,480 You're really funny, Adam. 166 00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:10,920 Pre-Madonna, is that like before she wrote her first song? What was her first song? 167 00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:16,440 # Cos I'm livin' in a material world and I'm ma-ma-ma-material girl. # 168 00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:18,760 Her first number one was Holiday in 1983. 169 00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:22,400 - I genuinely worry about you. - What about a bit of Shakespeare? 170 00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:26,080 These two would make a realistic Tybalt and Mercutio in Romeo and Juliet. 171 00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:29,960 Oh, my actual, actual, romantic God, I love that film. Can I play Juliet? 172 00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:32,000 Only if I can be your Romeo. 173 00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:35,240 - Smooth. Smooth as shite. - Jacko... . 174 00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:39,600 - Technically, that would suggest he is smooth. - Get it right up ye. 175 00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:42,320 Say that again and you'll be doing your lines frae a hospital bed. 176 00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:47,680 - Right. - Calm doon, big brother. I think he's a wee bit sensitive about me talking to his wee sister. 177 00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:52,280 Aye, well, that's what being a big brother's all aboot. Not that you'd ken anything about that. 178 00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:54,200 - That right? - Aye. - Come on, then! 179 00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:57,040 - Adam! Adam! - Enough! 180 00:11:57,040 --> 00:11:59,240 Lads. Julie. 181 00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:01,800 That is enough acting for one evening. 182 00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:04,880 - I wish they were acting. - You cannae carry on like this in a living room. 183 00:12:04,880 --> 00:12:07,480 That is how coffee tables get broken. 184 00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:10,960 - Sorry, Mr McLintoch. - Sorry, Mr McLintoch. 185 00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:13,600 But, Daaad, we've got to practice. 186 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,520 Well, you'll need to do it elsewhere. 187 00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:18,280 Now, I was going to give you all a sausage roll, 188 00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:22,320 but the rammy's put paid to that! Sorry! 189 00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:24,400 Brilliant(!) 190 00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:25,440 Brilliant(!) 191 00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:30,160 Getting' me chucked oot o' ma ain hoose. 192 00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:32,320 Sorry, Gary. But he's my brother. 193 00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:35,000 Don't worry about it, Julie, you know what they say. 194 00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:38,480 You can choose your family but you can't choose your friends. So... 195 00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:42,360 Off youse go. Off youse go! 196 00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:44,440 Off youse go. 197 00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:46,720 Off youse go. 198 00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:48,240 Off we go. 199 00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:57,840 Sorry aboot that. 200 00:12:57,840 --> 00:13:03,800 It's all right, son, MasterChef starts in five minutes, so I was quite glad there was a wee fall out. 201 00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:07,480 You havenae got any, er, broon sauce, have you? 202 00:13:08,480 --> 00:13:09,880 Of course. 203 00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:26,280 Ta. 204 00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:28,560 - See you later, Dad. - See you later, Son. 205 00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:41,280 Like personally, for me... 206 00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:47,720 I don't get folks that protest aboot animals and animal testing and that. 207 00:13:47,720 --> 00:13:53,080 I think if you're being honest, right, you just wouldnae want to spray on your Lynx Africa 208 00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:57,320 and then your arm explodes and then you've got tae phone Lynx Customer Service, 209 00:13:57,520 --> 00:14:00,600 which is difficult, cos you've only got one arm now, right? 210 00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:05,760 And Lynx are like, "Well, we're really sorry aboot that, we just never tested it on animals." 211 00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:08,240 You'd be like that, "Well, see next time? 212 00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:11,800 "I want that sprayed in a hamster's eye before I put that on." 213 00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:17,240 I mean, sometimes, right, these things are just needed. 214 00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:21,680 Yas, finished. 215 00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:23,520 You missed a bit. 216 00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:25,600 - Where? - There. 217 00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:30,800 As if that's gonnae work on the Prankmaster General. I've no missed a bit. 218 00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:32,320 Yes...you...have! 219 00:14:35,680 --> 00:14:37,600 You call this clean?! 220 00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:46,480 - It looks like you've mopped the floor with a shite. - Aye, it does now. 221 00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:47,520 So? 222 00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:49,280 We'll get it cleaned up, Sarge. 223 00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:51,520 I know you will...Swotty. 224 00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:54,880 So, do I look like an idiot? 225 00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:58,440 - Sir! No! Sir! - Don't call me sir. 226 00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:00,800 - I work for a living. - Sorry, Sarge. 227 00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:04,160 Clearly you muppets think you've been a bit clever. 228 00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:06,320 Sarge, you know us. We're never clever. 229 00:15:06,320 --> 00:15:08,000 Yes, I do know that. 230 00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:12,880 So would one of you like to explain to me why you thought that you could get yourselves out of the inventory 231 00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:15,560 by becoming the next sodding calendar girls? 232 00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:17,920 Well, we kind of thought that... 233 00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:21,040 - Helen Mirren...shut it! - Dame. 234 00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:25,880 She's Dame Helen Mirren. 235 00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:29,800 Oh, well, 236 00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:33,400 my severe bastarding apologies. 237 00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:41,840 I'd hate to think that I'd done a mis-service to the full title of The Dame Helen Shiteing Mirren. 238 00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:46,200 I do hope she hasn't overheard us and taken a great big steaming offence! 239 00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:50,600 I doubt it, Sarge, I mean, we were going to tell you about the advert it's just that... 240 00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:53,600 Ken that way, like, opportunity knocked and we answered the door, 241 00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:58,480 like, "Hiya, come in", and next thing we've, like...agreed to do it. 242 00:15:58,480 --> 00:16:04,360 All of you report to my office after you've cleaned up this dung heap. 243 00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:08,680 You have just earned yourself a very special duty, 244 00:16:08,680 --> 00:16:12,920 reserved for very special people. 245 00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:20,280 Now, there was nae need for Sarge to take a dump first. 246 00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:24,480 I don't know what you're smiling at, there's plenty of other cubicles needing done. 247 00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:26,360 Hear that, Charlie? 248 00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:28,320 Busy day ahead for you. 249 00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:30,000 At ease, chaps. 250 00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:32,480 I see, em, 251 00:16:32,480 --> 00:16:34,040 Oh, it's whiffy. 252 00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:36,120 Can you smell that, Sergeant? 253 00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:37,960 Roses, Captain? 254 00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:39,920 Really? 255 00:16:39,920 --> 00:16:44,880 Anyway, I, er, just heard about the, er, big audition tomorrow, 256 00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:49,720 so I just thought I'd pop by and, er, you know, offer, er... 257 00:16:49,720 --> 00:16:53,640 - Sergeant. - Yes, lads. The Captain and I would both like to wish you 258 00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:56,320 all the very best in the audition tomorrow. 259 00:16:56,320 --> 00:17:01,520 It's not easy fitting in extra-curricular activities with all your other duties. 260 00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:06,480 I see you're, er, using toothbrushes. 261 00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:09,120 They're not your own, are they? 262 00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:12,320 Er, no, sir. A friend's? 263 00:17:12,320 --> 00:17:18,200 Good move. Er, Sarge, I think we'd probably be best ordering some scrubbing brushes. 264 00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:23,440 Toothbrushes are better for cleaning the old, er...pegs. 265 00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:25,720 Quite, sir. I'll get on to it. 266 00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:31,680 - Great job, lads. - Anyway, er, thanks very much chaps for volunteering to clean the Officers' Mess. 267 00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:34,760 We're not very good at cleaning the old, er... 268 00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:40,400 Not like you chaps. Anyway, at ease. 269 00:17:45,840 --> 00:17:47,440 D'you want to move? 270 00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:51,280 - No. - Fair do's. 271 00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:52,800 What are ya doin', ya dick? 272 00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:57,040 - Right, calm it doon. This is worse than being in Oasis. - They've split up. 273 00:17:57,040 --> 00:18:01,280 Right, we cannae go to the audition like this, they'll think we're mad bams. 274 00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:05,600 Oh, dinnae worry. I'll no be there to embarrass you. I'll let you dae that on yer ain. 275 00:18:05,600 --> 00:18:09,600 - I'm not daein' it either, no with him. - Lance Corporal Jackson! 276 00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:11,880 Private Kenning. 277 00:18:11,880 --> 00:18:14,840 Come here, now. 278 00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:22,040 Right. Youse ken me. 279 00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:27,040 You ken I don't pull rank unless it's something really important. And this is really important. 280 00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:32,040 Unrest in the squad could have serious implications for me...us... 281 00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:34,840 in, like, ken, loads of stuff. 282 00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:36,840 - Could it? - Yes. 283 00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:38,400 I think it very could. 284 00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:41,200 So let's get this sorted. 285 00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:43,200 Right, Jacko. 286 00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:47,680 You said something about Adam's brother that doesnae need repeated, right? 287 00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:50,880 But, to be fair, it was in the heat of the moment and if you'd apologised 288 00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:54,480 after nearly spilling they sweeties on his foot, this might have been resolved. 289 00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:57,640 - Aye, but... - Never mind wi' your aye buts. 290 00:18:57,640 --> 00:19:04,160 So what I want you to dae is turn, face each other, and say the following, right? 291 00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:06,640 - Right? - Right. 292 00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:15,600 - Right. - I am very sorry for what I said/done. Say it. 293 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:20,840 BOTH: "I am very sorry for what I said/done. Say it." 294 00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:24,800 - And I agree to go to the advert audition to make up for it. - Whit? 295 00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:27,120 Say it. 296 00:19:27,120 --> 00:19:32,000 "And I agree to go to the advert audition to make up for it." 297 00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:34,280 Excellent. See? 298 00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:36,160 That wasnae that difficult, eh? 299 00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:39,800 - I felt a bit like Jerry Springer, there. - Go Gary, Go Gary! 300 00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:45,480 You know, one of the challenges of being in the Army is having to deal with two radges like these two. 301 00:19:45,480 --> 00:19:48,720 But at the end of the day, with the right skills, 302 00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:52,360 a senior rank and, most importantly, the right face, 303 00:19:52,360 --> 00:19:54,640 then any problem can be resolved. 304 00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:58,720 So until next time, take pure care of yourself... 305 00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:02,520 and each other. Like... 306 00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:03,560 Yeah! 307 00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:14,000 Honestly, lads, I have... we have got this in the bag, eh? 308 00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:16,280 Look at them. They've no chance, eh? 309 00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:19,760 Listen, we could still do the Full Metal Jacket bit, what do you think? 310 00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:26,560 OK, lads, just a wee note - what we're after today is real soldiers, so, just relax, be yourselves. OK? 311 00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:28,200 This is a waste of time. 312 00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:30,320 - No, it's no. - Just go, then. 313 00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:31,880 Gary, we're filthy. 314 00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:33,880 - So was your Maw last night. - Right! 315 00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:40,480 This is counter-productive and unnecessary. Stop it! 316 00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:41,520 Right, c'mon! 317 00:20:41,520 --> 00:20:43,000 Er, Corporal McLintoch? 318 00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:48,320 Aye, that's me. Listen, this is just artistic differences, eh? It'll be fine. 319 00:20:48,320 --> 00:20:50,640 Guys. 320 00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:54,040 - Jacko! - I'm gonnae eat your face! 321 00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:58,080 MUSIC: "9 to 5" by Dolly Parton 322 00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:30,280 Cut. Brilliant, Jacko, really good. Thanks, mate. All done, mate. 323 00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:33,120 - Right, Gary, you're up. - How did that go? 324 00:21:33,120 --> 00:21:35,280 - I dunno. - Well, listen. 325 00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:36,800 Gary, time's ticking. 326 00:21:41,120 --> 00:21:42,920 I'm sure you did your best, Jacko 327 00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:46,440 and, er, that's all we can ask. So... 328 00:21:46,440 --> 00:21:47,480 thanks. 329 00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:51,120 I'm brilliant when you are, Mr Director. 330 00:21:51,120 --> 00:21:56,360 Right, so, Gary, if you could, er, just, er, stand here, right? 331 00:21:56,360 --> 00:21:59,960 Now say the lines direct to the camera, right? 332 00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:05,880 So it's, "One Man, One Soul, One Goal, One Army. 333 00:22:05,880 --> 00:22:09,560 "Together we are soldiers". OK, mate? 334 00:22:09,560 --> 00:22:12,760 Em, can I just check? 335 00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:15,320 Is everyone getting to say it? 336 00:22:15,320 --> 00:22:17,160 Mate, don't worry about it, right. 337 00:22:17,160 --> 00:22:20,600 You just say your line, hunky dorey, like you would. OK? 338 00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:22,360 - Hunky dorey? - Hunky dorey. 339 00:22:22,360 --> 00:22:24,240 - Like I would... - Uh-huh. 340 00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:28,240 - Sorry, just one more question. - Hm? 341 00:22:28,240 --> 00:22:31,720 Merchandising and that, how does that, like, work, with T-shirts? 342 00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:34,280 Cos I was thinking maybe, like, a Gary Action Man 343 00:22:34,280 --> 00:22:38,640 and like a string at the back that you pull, and it says, "Hiya, My Name's Garreh." 344 00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:42,720 Mate, best thing for you, right, eh, superstar, 345 00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:47,680 is concentrate on the lines and let's just see where that takes us. OK? 346 00:22:47,680 --> 00:22:51,560 - OK. - So, everyone ready? On "action", Gary. 347 00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:54,120 Speed. 348 00:22:54,120 --> 00:22:55,880 And...action. 349 00:22:57,400 --> 00:22:59,720 One maan, 350 00:22:59,720 --> 00:23:01,880 One sooul, 351 00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:03,760 One gooul, 352 00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:06,000 One Armeh. 353 00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:08,280 Togethah we are soldiers? 354 00:23:09,840 --> 00:23:12,480 Right, once again, Gary. 355 00:23:12,480 --> 00:23:15,280 This time, trying to relax into it. 356 00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:17,600 - OK? - Relax, aye. 357 00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:19,240 Ready? 358 00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:21,040 And... 359 00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:22,960 action. 360 00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:24,840 One maan, 361 00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:27,040 One soul, 362 00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:29,040 One goal, 363 00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:30,840 togethah 364 00:23:30,840 --> 00:23:34,680 we ARE soldiers. 365 00:23:34,680 --> 00:23:36,720 OK, once again, Gary. 366 00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:40,400 Um, just a tad more relaxed. 367 00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:42,600 Try and give me something... 368 00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:44,640 - different. - Bit different? 369 00:23:44,640 --> 00:23:46,880 - Aye, different. - I can do different. 370 00:23:48,720 --> 00:23:50,240 - Ready? - Aye. 371 00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:52,800 And...action. 372 00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:57,040 One-man-one-soul-one-goal... one-army. 373 00:23:57,040 --> 00:23:59,240 Together we ARE soldiers. 374 00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:00,800 Right and...cut. 375 00:24:00,800 --> 00:24:03,880 - Thanks, Gary, thanks a lot. That's you done. - Was that all right? 376 00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:06,800 It was, er... Well, listen, time's ticking on, lads, 377 00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:10,920 I think we've got plenty to choose from there, so, er... 378 00:24:10,920 --> 00:24:12,800 That's it for the day. Thanks for coming in. 379 00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:15,880 - What about Adam? - I think we've got plenty of you as a unit. 380 00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:19,600 If you havenae filmed the four o' us, you havnae GOT the unit. 381 00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:23,480 - Understand? - Lance Corporal Jackson's right. 382 00:24:23,480 --> 00:24:25,760 You wouldnae just film the BIRDS frae ABBA. 383 00:24:26,560 --> 00:24:28,480 We're a unit. 384 00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:30,520 Like ABBA? 385 00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:32,080 Aye. 386 00:24:32,080 --> 00:24:34,560 Right, I get you. OK, everyone, once again. 387 00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:37,280 Sorry, everyone. Up you get, Adam. 388 00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:41,200 - Cheers. - Nae bother. 389 00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:45,440 I've noticed the director's opted 390 00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:48,320 for a really naturalistic approach to performance. 391 00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:52,080 I suspect he's a huge fan of Mike Leigh. 392 00:24:52,080 --> 00:24:55,680 As in Gary Mike-Leigh-intoch? 393 00:24:58,840 --> 00:25:00,280 Ayeee. 394 00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:07,480 Ah, at ease, chaps. 395 00:25:07,480 --> 00:25:11,760 Course, you all know my, em... Colonel Fanshawe. 396 00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:14,000 Ah yes, the actors. 397 00:25:15,360 --> 00:25:18,400 Hell, it's not going to be bloody pretty, is it? 398 00:25:18,400 --> 00:25:20,560 ALL: No, sir. 399 00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:23,720 Rex bloody Harrison, that's my man. 400 00:25:23,720 --> 00:25:25,520 You seen My Fair Lady? 401 00:25:26,840 --> 00:25:30,520 "Why can't a woman be more like a man? 402 00:25:30,520 --> 00:25:33,680 "Men are so honest, so thoroughly square, 403 00:25:33,680 --> 00:25:36,680 "eternally noble, historically fair, 404 00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:40,440 "who, when you win, will always give your back a pat. 405 00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:44,080 "But why can't a woman be like that?" 406 00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:49,120 Well, um... 407 00:25:49,120 --> 00:25:51,760 I bloody NAILED that! 408 00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:52,960 I think you did, sir. 409 00:25:52,960 --> 00:25:55,720 I bloody did, didn't I? 410 00:25:57,240 --> 00:25:59,400 I'm wasted here. 411 00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:02,560 So! This advert. You chaps want to see it? 412 00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:05,960 Bloody hope so, cos I do. Ha, ha, ha! 413 00:26:05,960 --> 00:26:09,280 Do you? Do you? DO YOU? 414 00:26:09,280 --> 00:26:10,400 ALL: Yes, sir. 415 00:26:10,400 --> 00:26:13,400 Sarge, play. 416 00:26:26,360 --> 00:26:29,520 'One man. 417 00:26:29,520 --> 00:26:31,240 'One soul. 418 00:26:31,240 --> 00:26:32,840 'One goal. 419 00:26:32,840 --> 00:26:34,360 'One Army.' 420 00:26:36,160 --> 00:26:37,320 'Together...' 421 00:26:38,320 --> 00:26:40,560 - '..We...' - '..Are...' 422 00:26:41,320 --> 00:26:42,560 '..Soldiers.' 423 00:26:42,560 --> 00:26:46,040 'When life is challenging you, try challenging yourself.' 424 00:26:46,040 --> 00:26:51,240 'One Army, regular or territorial. Who do YOU want to be?' 425 00:26:51,240 --> 00:26:54,120 Well, I, er, I thought that was, er... 426 00:26:54,120 --> 00:26:58,760 Not bloody bad! Liked it. Good show, Jackson. 427 00:26:58,760 --> 00:27:04,040 Not quite Rex Harrison, but not bad. Sergeant? 428 00:27:04,040 --> 00:27:06,040 I quite agree, sir. 429 00:27:06,040 --> 00:27:07,680 Not quite Rex Harrison. 430 00:27:07,680 --> 00:27:10,600 - Thank you, sir. - "Thank you, sir" - you've changed. 431 00:27:10,600 --> 00:27:12,880 As you were, chaps. AT EASE! 432 00:27:12,880 --> 00:27:14,280 Off you go. 433 00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:16,280 Yah, at ease. 434 00:27:26,600 --> 00:27:32,240 "We"? Are you actually kidding me? "We"? 435 00:27:32,240 --> 00:27:33,840 What's that all about? 436 00:27:33,840 --> 00:27:35,640 Any idiot can say "we". 437 00:27:35,640 --> 00:27:38,040 I know. And he did. 438 00:27:38,040 --> 00:27:40,000 No' funny, just no' funny. 439 00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:42,720 - I quite liked my "are". - It was missing an "s". 440 00:27:42,720 --> 00:27:45,320 "Soldiers", that's a good word, eh? 441 00:27:45,320 --> 00:27:48,760 I'm expecting panties through the post for that, my boy. 442 00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:51,120 Aye, granny pants. 443 00:27:53,120 --> 00:27:55,880 Granny pants? Love it. 444 00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:03,960 Here, what I said about...you know. 445 00:28:03,960 --> 00:28:08,000 Ah, forget about it. You were tops. Done, mate. 446 00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:10,880 - Cheers. - Aww... 447 00:28:10,880 --> 00:28:12,600 Liam and Noel... 448 00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:16,160 back together, eh? Sweet. 449 00:28:19,040 --> 00:28:21,600 - Here, missed a bit. - Where? 450 00:28:21,600 --> 00:28:23,120 There. 451 00:28:23,120 --> 00:28:24,400 Where? 452 00:28:24,400 --> 00:28:27,360 # There on the stair, right there 453 00:28:27,360 --> 00:28:30,200 ALL: # A little mouse with clogs on 454 00:28:30,200 --> 00:28:34,200 # Well, I declare, going clip clippety clop on the stair 455 00:28:34,200 --> 00:28:35,240 # Oh, yes! # 456 00:28:54,720 --> 00:28:57,760 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 457 00:28:57,760 --> 00:29:00,800 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk