Charlie.
You've missed a bit.
- Where? - There.
# There on the stair, right there A little mouse with clogs on. #
I wasn't going to say that!
- Where then? - There.
Where?!
ALL: # There on the stair, right there
# A little mouse with clogs on
# Well, I declare Going clip clippety clop
# On the stair Oh, yeah! #
Cleaning has to be like one of the worst things in the actual world.
- Worse than war and famine? - Aye, much worse.
Without war we'd be oot of a job.
At least with famine you're too weak to clean.
Is that your excuse for this morning, aye?
Aye, soon to be sorted.
Crisps or chocolate, or crisps AND chocolate. That is the question.
Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the single Twix or the outrageous fortune of the Twirl.
I don't know what you're sayin', but I don't like it. So stop it.
I'm just lookin' at this. You're the one sick o' cleanin'.
The MOD are looking for the new face of the Army for an upcoming advert.
Obviously, they're looking for real soldiers.
That's you oot, then.
That's me in. Birds go crazy for actors.
I could be the next Howard frae the bank.
- He got the sack. - Good. I hate those ads. Gary, do you want to hurry up. - What did he get the sack for?
- Cos of the banking crisis. - Did he cause it, like?
Only if it turns out he was a key player in the reckless lending practices of the sub prime market.
Haw, Newsnight...shut it.
- Plain and simple, the guy was a prize tool. Gary! - Right!
Sounds like a wee bit of jealousy there, my boy!
Here, I bet Howard was pumpin' birds over the counter after they ads.
- Jacko's still relying on the spank bank. - You're funny(!)
Gaz, you'd better hurry up. Mr Grumpy's coming out.
- What're you on about, you tit? - He doesnae sound grumpy to me.
- Nah, no way(!) - Gary!
Right.
Aye. No.
Aye. No. Em...
Aye. No.
Aye, Curly Wurly.
- Awww, see youse? - Whit?
You put me off. Now ma Curly Wurly's stuck in the machine.
That'll no work, you have to shake it.
Right, well give him a hand then.
Ready?
Jacko, watch!
Oh, ya bastards!
- You all right? - No! You could have broken my bloody foot, ya tube!
- All right, brother, calm doon. - Don't call me your brother. Do I look like a junkie?
What the bloody hell's happened here then?
- Em. - Well?
Well, er, we finished our cleaning duties as per your brilliant instruction
and then, next thing I know, we're in here and my Curly Wurly got stuck in the machine.
So you thought you'd vandalise the Queen's own property.
Sorry, I didn't realise it was the Queen's.
- Has she had problems with it as well? - Shut it!
Get this piece of crap back on its feet.
Don't even think about it.
So, you've finished your duties, have you?
I think I've underestimated how much you ladies like cleaning.
- Naw, you havenae, honestly. - Oh, I think I have. Follow me.
I knew I should have got a Chomp.
NOW!
Aye, Army pay's actually all right.
I mean I think you get mair than working in Greggs,
but then you don't get shot at in Greggs, eh? Or no often.
So you should get mair, in fact, I think any job that getting shot at
is part of your job description, then you should get mair.
I mean, I'm no saying that working in Greggs isnae stressful.
It probably is, like, folk asking ye all the time, "Are the sausage rolls hot?"
Like they must get asked that like hundreds of times a day, eh?
I mean, I ask it, cos a cold sausage roll frae Greggs, nah.
But then if they say, "Oh, they're just out the oven", you dinnae want a boiling one
so you say it, like, "No, no, one frae the back", so it's like not too hot, eh?
But, like, all the time they folk asking you, like, all the time,
that's mair stressful than the Army, eh? It would be.
I mean we dinnae get folk asking us that all the time, eh?
Mebbe they should get paid more...
..cos I'd end up shooting folk.
"Are these sausage rolls...?"
Crew, this is your lucky day.
We have some willing volunteers to take over. Dismissed!
I want the trucks spotless, inside and out.
I want the tyres checked and cleaned.
I want all of these supplies taken back to the kitchen, logged and signed for.
By the end of today, I want this hangar looking cleaner than a Taliban porno. Is that understood?
ALL: Yes, Sarge.
And then there's hangars 9, 10, 11 and 15 needing done.
But, Sarge, we were cleaning all last week, now we're cleaning all this week. We're all cleaned oot!
I know. But that's why I've given you Friday off.
- Really? - Aye, absolutely.
- Yas! - All the cleaning will be done by then.
So on Friday you mugs will be taking a full store and equipment inventory.
Please, Sarge, we will do anything.
I know you will.
Now get on with it. And, em...
enjoy.
Hm.
Right, we just need to get on with it.
- Shut up. - This is all your fault, bloody Curly Wurlys.
- Don't blame me, blame Charlie. - How? - Cos that's what you're here for.
It wisnae me that pushed the machine over, that was the human domino.
Aye, it was my fault. I'm as bad as my junkie brother, eh?
- Jacko. - What?
Go on.
No.
- Go on, go on. - No!
- Go on. - NO.
- Go on. - NO!
What a performance.
Aye.
Exactly!
- Eh? - You, my little idiot, are not that big an idiot, eh?
I'll see youse in five.
Where are you going?
To the "toilet"...
to dae something "amazing". Aye!
MUSIC: "Sabotage" by Beastie Boys
Aw, c'mon, just think about it as a big advert, eh?
"Cos you're worth it!"
Aw c'mon Jacko, Jacksie, frae Jacksville, Tennessee.
If you want to make a tit of yourself in an advert, dae it. I'm no'.
Oh, come on, just imagine you're walking doon the street
and folk are pointing at you and saying, "Oh, there's that guy
- "who knows Gary, the new face of the Army", I'd be, like, "Aye, I totally know him. It's fine". - Aye...
That's convinced me(!)
- Are you scared like? - No!
Do you know what? I think it might be a good thing.
Get the morale back in this team.
Aye. I think me getting... us getting this advert would be really good for morale.
I'm no bothered, if it means getting out of that inventory.
I think it's more likely a delay, Thomson'll probably make us do it on Monday.
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Cos I spoke to Spammy in the store and he says we've got to do it on the Friday
cos they're getting a big delivery on the Saturday, eh?
So, just say it. "Gary, you're an amazingly brilliant individual."
Just leave him out if he's shiteing a brick about it.
I'm no shitting a brick about it. I'm just no' as keen as you to look like a total fanny.
It willnae be me lookin' like a total fanny, I can guarantee you that.
- That's no fair. We've no even seen Charlie act yet. - Wha'?
- He willnae be the worst anyway. - Is that right? - Aye, it is right!
Right! That is enough.
Cos we know Charlie's going to be the worst. Now, are you in, or are you oot?
All right.
YAAASSS!
High ten!
All right.
Supporting cast confirmed.
- And we've got a rehearsal at ma Dad's hoose tonight. - What?
Jacko, if I... If we are going to get this advert,
we need to prepare something, ken, for the audition, you know?
- Show them something. - Like a bit of Shakespeare?
No. Something good.
I'm Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, your senior drill instructor,
and from now on you will only speak when you are spoken to.
And the first and last words out of your filthy sewers will be the word, "Sir".
Do you maggots understand that?
ALL: Sir, yes, sir.
Right, hold on, right. Jacko, come on! You've seen Full Metal Jacket.
- So? - So can you start doing it properly, like shoutin'?
- Cannae be arsed. - Prima donna. - What's that?
- Here we go. - Adam said pre-Madonna. I don't know why, but it was funny.
You're really funny, Adam.
Pre-Madonna, is that like before she wrote her first song? What was her first song?
# Cos I'm livin' in a material world and I'm ma-ma-ma-material girl. #
Her first number one was Holiday in 1983.
- I genuinely worry about you. - What about a bit of Shakespeare?
These two would make a realistic Tybalt and Mercutio in Romeo and Juliet.
Oh, my actual, actual, romantic God, I love that film. Can I play Juliet?
Only if I can be your Romeo.
- Smooth. Smooth as shite. - Jacko... .
- Technically, that would suggest he is smooth. - Get it right up ye.
Say that again and you'll be doing your lines frae a hospital bed.
- Right. - Calm doon, big brother. I think he's a wee bit sensitive about me talking to his wee sister.
Aye, well, that's what being a big brother's all aboot. Not that you'd ken anything about that.
- That right? - Aye. - Come on, then!
- Adam! Adam! - Enough!
Lads. Julie.
That is enough acting for one evening.
- I wish they were acting. - You cannae carry on like this in a living room.
That is how coffee tables get broken.
- Sorry, Mr McLintoch. - Sorry, Mr McLintoch.
But, Daaad, we've got to practice.
Well, you'll need to do it elsewhere.
Now, I was going to give you all a sausage roll,
but the rammy's put paid to that! Sorry!
Brilliant(!)
Getting' me chucked oot o' ma ain hoose.
Sorry, Gary. But he's my brother.
Don't worry about it, Julie, you know what they say.
You can choose your family but you can't choose your friends. So...
Off youse go. Off youse go!
Off youse go.
Off we go.
Sorry aboot that.
It's all right, son, MasterChef starts in five minutes, so I was quite glad there was a wee fall out.
You havenae got any, er, broon sauce, have you?
Of course.
Ta.
- See you later, Dad. - See you later, Son.
Like personally, for me...
I don't get folks that protest aboot animals and animal testing and that.
I think if you're being honest, right, you just wouldnae want to spray on your Lynx Africa
and then your arm explodes and then you've got tae phone Lynx Customer Service,
which is difficult, cos you've only got one arm now, right?
And Lynx are like, "Well, we're really sorry aboot that, we just never tested it on animals."
You'd be like that, "Well, see next time?
"I want that sprayed in a hamster's eye before I put that on."
I mean, sometimes, right, these things are just needed.
Yas, finished.
You missed a bit.
- Where? - There.
As if that's gonnae work on the Prankmaster General. I've no missed a bit.
Yes...you...have!
You call this clean?!
- It looks like you've mopped the floor with a shite. - Aye, it does now.
So?
We'll get it cleaned up, Sarge.
I know you will...Swotty.
So, do I look like an idiot?
- Sir! No! Sir! - Don't call me sir.
- I work for a living. - Sorry, Sarge.
Clearly you muppets think you've been a bit clever.
Sarge, you know us. We're never clever.
Yes, I do know that.
So would one of you like to explain to me why you thought that you could get yourselves out of the inventory
by becoming the next sodding calendar girls?
Well, we kind of thought that...
- Helen Mirren...shut it! - Dame.
She's Dame Helen Mirren.
Oh, well,
my severe bastarding apologies.
I'd hate to think that I'd done a mis-service to the full title of The Dame Helen Shiteing Mirren.
I do hope she hasn't overheard us and taken a great big steaming offence!
I doubt it, Sarge, I mean, we were going to tell you about the advert it's just that...
Ken that way, like, opportunity knocked and we answered the door,
like, "Hiya, come in", and next thing we've, like...agreed to do it.
All of you report to my office after you've cleaned up this dung heap.
You have just earned yourself a very special duty,
reserved for very special people.
Now, there was nae need for Sarge to take a dump first.
I don't know what you're smiling at, there's plenty of other cubicles needing done.
Hear that, Charlie?
Busy day ahead for you.
At ease, chaps.
I see, em,
Oh, it's whiffy.
Can you smell that, Sergeant?
Roses, Captain?
Really?
Anyway, I, er, just heard about the, er, big audition tomorrow,
so I just thought I'd pop by and, er, you know, offer, er...
- Sergeant. - Yes, lads. The Captain and I would both like to wish you
all the very best in the audition tomorrow.
It's not easy fitting in extra-curricular activities with all your other duties.
I see you're, er, using toothbrushes.
They're not your own, are they?
Er, no, sir. A friend's?
Good move. Er, Sarge, I think we'd probably be best ordering some scrubbing brushes.
Toothbrushes are better for cleaning the old, er...pegs.
Quite, sir. I'll get on to it.
- Great job, lads. - Anyway, er, thanks very much chaps for volunteering to clean the Officers' Mess.
We're not very good at cleaning the old, er...
Not like you chaps. Anyway, at ease.
D'you want to move?
- No. - Fair do's.
What are ya doin', ya dick?
- Right, calm it doon. This is worse than being in Oasis. - They've split up.
Right, we cannae go to the audition like this, they'll think we're mad bams.
Oh, dinnae worry. I'll no be there to embarrass you. I'll let you dae that on yer ain.
- I'm not daein' it either, no with him. - Lance Corporal Jackson!
Private Kenning.
Come here, now.
Right. Youse ken me.
You ken I don't pull rank unless it's something really important. And this is really important.
Unrest in the squad could have serious implications for me...us...
in, like, ken, loads of stuff.
- Could it? - Yes.
I think it very could.
So let's get this sorted.
Right, Jacko.
You said something about Adam's brother that doesnae need repeated, right?
But, to be fair, it was in the heat of the moment and if you'd apologised
after nearly spilling they sweeties on his foot, this might have been resolved.
- Aye, but... - Never mind wi' your aye buts.
So what I want you to dae is turn, face each other, and say the following, right?
- Right? - Right.
- I am very sorry for what I said/done. Say it.
BOTH: "I am very sorry for what I said/done. Say it."
- And I agree to go to the advert audition to make up for it. - Whit?
Say it.
"And I agree to go to the advert audition to make up for it."
Excellent. See?
That wasnae that difficult, eh?
- I felt a bit like Jerry Springer, there. - Go Gary, Go Gary!
You know, one of the challenges of being in the Army is having to deal with two radges like these two.
But at the end of the day, with the right skills,
a senior rank and, most importantly, the right face,
then any problem can be resolved.
So until next time, take pure care of yourself...
and each other. Like...
Yeah!
Honestly, lads, I have... we have got this in the bag, eh?
Look at them. They've no chance, eh?
Listen, we could still do the Full Metal Jacket bit, what do you think?
OK, lads, just a wee note - what we're after today is real soldiers, so, just relax, be yourselves. OK?
This is a waste of time.
- No, it's no. - Just go, then.
Gary, we're filthy.
- So was your Maw last night. - Right!
This is counter-productive and unnecessary. Stop it!
Right, c'mon!
Er, Corporal McLintoch?
Aye, that's me. Listen, this is just artistic differences, eh? It'll be fine.
Guys.
- Jacko! - I'm gonnae eat your face!
MUSIC: "9 to 5" by Dolly Parton
Cut. Brilliant, Jacko, really good. Thanks, mate. All done, mate.
- Right, Gary, you're up. - How did that go?
- I dunno. - Well, listen.
Gary, time's ticking.
I'm sure you did your best, Jacko
and, er, that's all we can ask. So...
thanks.
I'm brilliant when you are, Mr Director.
Right, so, Gary, if you could, er, just, er, stand here, right?
Now say the lines direct to the camera, right?
So it's, "One Man, One Soul, One Goal, One Army.
"Together we are soldiers". OK, mate?
Em, can I just check?
Is everyone getting to say it?
Mate, don't worry about it, right.
You just say your line, hunky dorey, like you would. OK?
- Hunky dorey? - Hunky dorey.
- Like I would... - Uh-huh.
- Sorry, just one more question. - Hm?
Merchandising and that, how does that, like, work, with T-shirts?
Cos I was thinking maybe, like, a Gary Action Man
and like a string at the back that you pull, and it says, "Hiya, My Name's Garreh."
Mate, best thing for you, right, eh, superstar,
is concentrate on the lines and let's just see where that takes us. OK?
- OK. - So, everyone ready? On "action", Gary.
Speed.
And...action.
One maan,
One sooul,
One gooul,
One Armeh.
Togethah we are soldiers?
Right, once again, Gary.
This time, trying to relax into it.
- OK? - Relax, aye.
Ready?
And...
action.
One maan,
One soul,
One goal,
togethah
we ARE soldiers.
OK, once again, Gary.
Um, just a tad more relaxed.
Try and give me something...
- different. - Bit different?
- Aye, different. - I can do different.
- Ready? - Aye.
And...action.
One-man-one-soul-one-goal... one-army.
Together we ARE soldiers.
Right and...cut.
- Thanks, Gary, thanks a lot. That's you done. - Was that all right?
It was, er... Well, listen, time's ticking on, lads,
I think we've got plenty to choose from there, so, er...
That's it for the day. Thanks for coming in.
- What about Adam? - I think we've got plenty of you as a unit.
If you havenae filmed the four o' us, you havnae GOT the unit.
- Understand? - Lance Corporal Jackson's right.
You wouldnae just film the BIRDS frae ABBA.
We're a unit.
Like ABBA?
Aye.
Right, I get you. OK, everyone, once again.
Sorry, everyone. Up you get, Adam.
- Cheers. - Nae bother.
I've noticed the director's opted
for a really naturalistic approach to performance.
I suspect he's a huge fan of Mike Leigh.
As in Gary Mike-Leigh-intoch?
Ayeee.
Ah, at ease, chaps.
Course, you all know my, em... Colonel Fanshawe.
Ah yes, the actors.
Hell, it's not going to be bloody pretty, is it?
ALL: No, sir.
Rex bloody Harrison, that's my man.
You seen My Fair Lady?
"Why can't a woman be more like a man?
"Men are so honest, so thoroughly square,
"eternally noble, historically fair,
"who, when you win, will always give your back a pat.
"But why can't a woman be like that?"
Well, um...
I bloody NAILED that!
I think you did, sir.
I bloody did, didn't I?
I'm wasted here.
So! This advert. You chaps want to see it?
Bloody hope so, cos I do. Ha, ha, ha!
Do you? Do you? DO YOU?
ALL: Yes, sir.
Sarge, play.
'One man.
'One soul.
'One goal.
'One Army.'
'Together...'
- '..We...' - '..Are...'
'..Soldiers.'
'When life is challenging you, try challenging yourself.'
'One Army, regular or territorial. Who do YOU want to be?'
Well, I, er, I thought that was, er...
Not bloody bad! Liked it. Good show, Jackson.
Not quite Rex Harrison, but not bad. Sergeant?
I quite agree, sir.
Not quite Rex Harrison.
- Thank you, sir. - "Thank you, sir" - you've changed.
As you were, chaps. AT EASE!
Off you go.
Yah, at ease.
"We"? Are you actually kidding me? "We"?
What's that all about?
Any idiot can say "we".
I know. And he did.
No' funny, just no' funny.
- I quite liked my "are". - It was missing an "s".
"Soldiers", that's a good word, eh?
I'm expecting panties through the post for that, my boy.
Aye, granny pants.
Granny pants? Love it.
Here, what I said about...you know.
Ah, forget about it. You were tops. Done, mate.
- Cheers. - Aww...
Liam and Noel...
back together, eh? Sweet.
- Here, missed a bit. - Where?
There.
Where?
# There on the stair, right there
ALL: # A little mouse with clogs on
# Well, I declare, going clip clippety clop on the stair
# Oh, yes! #
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk