1 00:00:02,400 --> 00:00:03,840 CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS 2 00:00:03,840 --> 00:00:10,800 This programme contains some strong language and adult humour 3 00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:14,800 SCREAMING 4 00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:15,920 You bastards! 5 00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:34,040 Atten-shun! 6 00:00:44,520 --> 00:00:48,440 Ah, good evening, not so little chef. 7 00:00:48,440 --> 00:00:51,240 Usual please, and just in case you've dropped your memory, 8 00:00:51,240 --> 00:00:53,040 chips are the usual. 9 00:00:53,040 --> 00:00:54,360 Thank you, please. 10 00:00:54,360 --> 00:00:56,320 Please and thank you, thank you, please, 11 00:00:56,320 --> 00:00:58,280 please and thank you, please and thank you. 12 00:00:58,280 --> 00:01:00,560 Thank you, please. Please and thank you. 13 00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:02,280 Thank you, please. Thank you. 14 00:01:02,280 --> 00:01:05,720 I'm thanking you, chef, please, thank you very much, please, 15 00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:07,480 and thank you, chef. 16 00:01:07,480 --> 00:01:10,520 You up for a few drinks, tonight, Gaz? 17 00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:12,240 Aye, try and stop me. Dinnae really. 18 00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:14,680 NAAFI'll be busy, with all the engineers up just now. 19 00:01:14,680 --> 00:01:17,720 Aye, they'll just have to make way for the tank crew, won't they, boys? 20 00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:19,680 Just mind and bring your ID, bum fluff. 21 00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:23,520 Aye, bum fluff. Cos of your fluffy bum. 22 00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:27,600 All right lads? Long time, no see. 23 00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:29,400 How's tricks? 24 00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:30,880 Aye, good tricks, good times. 25 00:01:30,880 --> 00:01:33,000 Psst! Zip it! Dinnae speak to him. 26 00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:34,280 Why? 27 00:01:34,280 --> 00:01:36,280 Cos he's a wee snake. 28 00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:37,920 Yeah. Pssssss - see ya. 29 00:01:37,920 --> 00:01:41,600 You're not still blubbin' over that misunderstanding, are you? 30 00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:42,920 What happened? 31 00:01:42,920 --> 00:01:45,520 Cammy, here, basically conned Gary into trading our flights 32 00:01:45,520 --> 00:01:48,000 back from Afghan for tickets to Shark Land. 33 00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:51,840 Naw, it was gonnae be Shark World. 34 00:01:51,840 --> 00:01:53,920 We were going to be kings for the day 35 00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:56,560 That's right Gary, we were going to be kings for the day. 36 00:01:56,560 --> 00:01:59,920 Mind, you still could be - they've opened up a Tiger Planet. 37 00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:02,880 Tiger Planet? Grrr. 38 00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:06,560 - Gary! - Sorry. I don't know what he does to me. 39 00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:08,400 He's usin' a low level neuro-linguistic 40 00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:10,440 programming sales technique. 41 00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:13,240 - Is he? - Is that right, boffin bollocks? 42 00:02:13,240 --> 00:02:16,040 Who you callin' boffin bollocks? 43 00:02:16,040 --> 00:02:18,960 Sorry, I didn't mean to disrespect your wife in public. 44 00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:21,440 - Right, that's it! - Jacko, no! 45 00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:24,160 Watch my hair! 46 00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:28,600 Stop this junior Sumo now! 47 00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:30,360 All of ye. 48 00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:32,040 Calm down, sit down. 49 00:02:32,040 --> 00:02:33,840 Get on wi' your scran. 50 00:02:33,840 --> 00:02:37,560 McLintoch, Joe 90, my office, now! 51 00:02:37,560 --> 00:02:39,120 But Sarge, he was... 52 00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:42,000 No likey, no carey. 53 00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:49,600 # We're jammin' 54 00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:51,480 # We're jammin' 55 00:02:51,480 --> 00:02:54,200 # Hope you like jammin' too. # 56 00:02:56,120 --> 00:03:01,760 That's one of my favourite songs, it's by a guy called Bob Marleh, 57 00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:04,200 do you know him? 58 00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:07,520 And that song's about making jam. 59 00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:11,280 I like jam. 60 00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:15,080 So, I think we're quite similar. 61 00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:21,000 I'd really like to meet Bob. 62 00:03:25,640 --> 00:03:26,840 What? 63 00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:33,080 Come on, mate, are you still not speaking to me? 64 00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:35,440 Fair enough not grassing up your mate - should be him 65 00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:36,800 cleaning the Sarge's car. 66 00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:40,640 I'll start the inside, will I? 67 00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:44,840 Huh, jackpot! 68 00:03:49,920 --> 00:03:52,320 Aw, check them oot. Can I have one? 69 00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:54,160 Aye, help yourself. 70 00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:57,240 About time for a break anyway. 71 00:03:57,240 --> 00:03:58,600 Have you got the time, Gary? 72 00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:05,520 Half three. 73 00:04:06,720 --> 00:04:08,840 - Must get tiring, that. - What? 74 00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:11,920 Having to do that every time you want to know the time. 75 00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:16,560 Reaching into your pocket, having to search for your phone, is your phone there? 76 00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:19,080 Sorry mate, what was the time again? 77 00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:28,000 That's three thirty one. 78 00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:32,320 That's actually pretty tiring. 79 00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:35,200 Have a gawp at that - beautiful, eh? 80 00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:36,920 Aye. 81 00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:39,960 Perfect for the man that's always having to reach into his pocket, 82 00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:41,480 but doesn't have the time. 83 00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:45,800 Gary, I do not say this lightly, 84 00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:49,480 you were born to wear that watch. 85 00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:50,760 Aye. 86 00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:52,720 Aye. Genuine Bolex 87 00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:53,960 Bolex? 88 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:56,680 Twenty five carat Jamaican white gold. 89 00:04:56,680 --> 00:04:58,720 Jamaican white gold? 90 00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:01,560 How come you're no' wearing it? 91 00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:03,400 Allergies. I've got the lot. 92 00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:07,440 I'm allergic to gold, cats, I've got hay fever. 93 00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:11,080 I spent 5,000 pounds on that watch, I cannot even wear it. 94 00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:14,000 Five grand? Why don't you just take it back to the shop? 95 00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:15,160 That's it. 96 00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:18,120 Me nana's cat ate the receipt and I can't go near the cat, can I? 97 00:05:18,120 --> 00:05:20,080 Cos of the hay fever. 98 00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:24,800 Looking at that big beautiful watch on your wrist, something tells me 99 00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:27,000 it's found its home. 100 00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:29,400 Thank you. 101 00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:32,400 Cammy, haud on, I dinnae have five grand. 102 00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:35,600 Mate, mate, what with all that Shark World palaver, 103 00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:36,760 I'm going to give it to you. 104 00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:38,280 Aye? 105 00:05:38,280 --> 00:05:39,440 For a hundred quid. 106 00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:41,160 A hundred ... 107 00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:43,800 I know. Cheap, isn't it? 108 00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:47,560 I mean, you'd spend that on, what, a round of drinks? 109 00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:49,000 Erm... 110 00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:52,200 Imagine, walking into the NAAFI bar, 111 00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:55,040 you've got a five grand watch on your wrist. 112 00:05:55,040 --> 00:05:58,240 All the squaddies are looking, who's that lucky bastard wearing a Bolex? 113 00:05:58,240 --> 00:05:59,960 Me! 114 00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:03,800 I'm the lucky bastard with a Bolex. 115 00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:07,280 Here, Gary, what's the time? Uh-uh... 116 00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:29,240 The usual. 117 00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:30,880 We dinnae serve chips here. 118 00:06:30,880 --> 00:06:34,080 What? Cheffy, is that wee silly you? 119 00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:36,760 - What you doin' badly here? - They're short staffed. 120 00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:40,120 Your mojo can check you out, you're tiny, eh? 121 00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:44,760 Right. My usual is a Boke, which is Baileys and Coke, so - 122 00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:47,120 chips chops. 123 00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:50,160 Not only is he a world-respected physicist, 124 00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:52,960 he also played keyboards for the band D:Ream. 125 00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:55,280 Aye, but I still dinnae ken him. 126 00:06:55,280 --> 00:06:59,160 All right? Ready for a good ti-i-i-i-ime? 127 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,000 Holy shit, check out the bling! 128 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:04,080 Aye - bling bling, bling bling! 129 00:07:04,080 --> 00:07:06,520 Hello, the owner of a better watch than Big Ben's watch, 130 00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:07,960 aye, it's me Gareh! 131 00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:09,400 Are you for real? 132 00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:13,800 It would appear so. I mean, come on, check that oot. 133 00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:15,560 Does that say Bolex? 134 00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:17,840 I certainly hope so. 135 00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:19,560 Bolex? 136 00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:21,240 Gary did you get this frae Cammy? 137 00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:25,360 Aye. It's 25 carat white Jamaican gold. 138 00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:28,120 Is that good? 139 00:07:28,120 --> 00:07:29,560 Only if you're smokin' it. 140 00:07:29,560 --> 00:07:31,200 THEY LAUGH 141 00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:32,680 What? 142 00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:37,320 Aw, ma boy, I mean, hats off tae him, he's got you again. 143 00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:40,040 - You've been Cammied. - This sounds mental. 144 00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:42,320 What youse talkin' aboot? 145 00:07:42,320 --> 00:07:44,640 Gary, how much did you pay for your Bolex? 146 00:07:44,640 --> 00:07:46,000 Hundred quid. 147 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:47,280 LAUGHTER 148 00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:49,520 What? He said it's worth five grand. 149 00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:51,400 Gary, a Rolex is worth five grand. 150 00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:54,440 But a Bolex is worth a fiver off a guy on the beach. 151 00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:58,080 Aye, who might throw in some Boakley sunglasses. 152 00:07:58,080 --> 00:08:00,160 A wee Bolce and Babanna belt? 153 00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:02,240 A Bucci bag? 154 00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:04,880 But they're no' real makes. 155 00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:13,080 No, no, no, no! 156 00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:15,280 Ragin'. 157 00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:23,040 BELL RINGS 158 00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:25,920 - Right, right. - Last orders. 159 00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:28,360 - Just leave the bottle. - I cannae dae that. 160 00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:31,400 Cannae dae that, cannae dae that - what can you dae, eh? 161 00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:34,280 Cos you're not a barman, and yer hardly a cheffeh. 162 00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:36,960 And your chips are rubbish. 163 00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:39,440 I'm starvin' chef. 164 00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:41,560 Five cans of heavy, please, mate. 165 00:08:41,560 --> 00:08:43,680 You! 166 00:08:43,680 --> 00:08:45,280 I've got bones to pick wi' you! 167 00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:48,360 All right, Gary. You haven't got the time have you, mate? 168 00:08:48,360 --> 00:08:50,600 Aye, it's - aargh! 169 00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:52,880 You sold me a Bolex, that isn't even real! 170 00:08:52,880 --> 00:08:54,640 Looks real to me, though. 171 00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:56,960 Whoa, whoa, whoa, where do you think you're going? 172 00:08:56,960 --> 00:09:00,600 Do you honestly think you can get away wi' almost making me look like an idiot? 173 00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:02,080 Just gimme my money back. 174 00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:03,600 Sold as seen, mate, sold as seen. 175 00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:05,400 You were happy enough about it, before. 176 00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:07,400 Dinnae be a fanny. Just gie him his money back. 177 00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:10,360 - Whose husband are you meant to be, exactly? - What you saying? 178 00:09:10,360 --> 00:09:13,480 Jacko, just leave it, just leave it. 179 00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:15,440 I'll deal with this. 180 00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:19,560 You... 181 00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:24,880 ..are stupid. 182 00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:33,840 What exactly are you drinkin'? 183 00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:35,000 I'm drinkin' a boke. 184 00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:38,200 You got a problem with that? You got a problem with me drinking a boke? 185 00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:40,600 - SERGEANT: - Break it up! 186 00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:46,200 McLintoch. 187 00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:48,320 Why am I over here, shouting, 188 00:09:48,320 --> 00:09:51,080 when I should be over there, drinking? 189 00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:54,200 Cos he's stupid. 190 00:09:55,240 --> 00:09:57,760 Get out of my Friday. 191 00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:02,480 Fine. I was leavin' in a bit anyway. 192 00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:05,520 This isnae over, yet. 193 00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:08,280 Not by a long walk. 194 00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:12,640 # You can't stop looking at me 195 00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:15,400 # Staring at me, be what I be 196 00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:17,520 # You can't stop looking at me 197 00:10:17,520 --> 00:10:19,280 # So get up out my face 198 00:10:19,280 --> 00:10:20,920 # You can't stop clicking at me 199 00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:23,120 # Writing 'bout me Tweeting 'bout me 200 00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:25,080 # I can't stop, it's what it gon' be 201 00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:26,280 # My swagger's in check 202 00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:28,440 # Get on the floor 203 00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:31,080 # Get, get, get on the floor 204 00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:34,160 # My swagger's in check 205 00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:35,960 # Get on the floor, 206 00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:38,280 # Get, get, get on the floor 207 00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:41,080 # I got it in check 208 00:10:41,080 --> 00:10:44,640 # Swagger jagger, swagger jagger 209 00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:48,440 # You should get some of your own 210 00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:52,200 # Count that money Get your game up 211 00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:54,080 # Get your game up... # 212 00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:06,000 So, Rolfaroos. 213 00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:07,840 Can you guess who's in trouble, yet? 214 00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:15,000 What? This wasnae me! 215 00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:19,200 McLintoch, we all saw you spit the dummy last night. 216 00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:22,720 I spat at a dummy? 217 00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:25,120 I must have been wrecked. 218 00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:26,240 Did I not leave with youse? 219 00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:28,360 Naw. 220 00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:30,000 You left on your own, 221 00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:34,400 having thrown your lady drink at that engineer, Cameron. 222 00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:39,680 You then, weakly, threatened him, came here, 223 00:11:39,680 --> 00:11:44,080 and for some incredibly stupid reason, did this! 224 00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:47,320 But I don't remember. 225 00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:49,480 The prosecution rests. 226 00:11:49,480 --> 00:11:51,880 Get that off the wall, now! 227 00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:54,960 And McLintoch, you are on very thin ice, 228 00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:59,480 and for a man in your shape that's very, very dangerous. 229 00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:01,640 And I don't swim. 230 00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:11,560 - What were you thinking? - What? 231 00:12:11,560 --> 00:12:14,440 And the "your" should be apostrophe R-E. 232 00:12:14,440 --> 00:12:16,440 Boring. And I never done this. 233 00:12:16,440 --> 00:12:18,600 Jacko, lads, come on! 234 00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:22,320 What's all this? 235 00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:25,000 'Cammy your stupid.' 236 00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:26,480 Not very inventive, Gary. 237 00:12:26,480 --> 00:12:31,080 Gary? Why do folk keep saying Gary? 238 00:12:31,080 --> 00:12:33,360 Aw, it's you! 239 00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:35,960 You want folk to think this was me! 240 00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:38,720 You sneaky, snidey, snoopy. 241 00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:42,680 Spraying my own name on my own block? 242 00:12:42,680 --> 00:12:44,200 It's not a very great idea, is it? 243 00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:47,240 Aye, but having an ice cream in a sauna isnae a great idea, but I do it. 244 00:12:47,240 --> 00:12:48,480 Gary, leave it! 245 00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:50,040 Jacko, what are you saying that for? 246 00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:53,240 You ken what he's like. So where were you last night, huh? 247 00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:55,320 I was in the NAAFI, with you. 248 00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:57,720 - Aw - damn. - What about after? 249 00:12:57,720 --> 00:13:00,360 Well, I just came down and did this graffiti. Oops! 250 00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:01,840 I'm not that stupid. 251 00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:07,440 Aw. You might actually be quite bright, but watch my words. 252 00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:08,840 I will clear my name. 253 00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:13,600 Yeah. Not before you've cleared mine, though. 254 00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:14,840 I'll let you get on with it. 255 00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:17,360 HE LAUGHS 256 00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:19,360 You're lucky that Bolex is splash proof. 257 00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:23,040 He so done it! 258 00:13:23,040 --> 00:13:26,480 You're right, Mickey. He pure done did. 259 00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:30,000 See, the tricky thing with North Korea is - 260 00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:32,880 have you see that wee laddie? 261 00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:36,800 Kim Young 'Un? He's clearly got issues. 262 00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:39,280 And nuclear weapons. That isnae a good combo. 263 00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:41,480 But I mean, what can you do? 264 00:13:41,480 --> 00:13:44,280 I mean, he's calling the shots, literally. 265 00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:46,680 Let's just hope he gets what he wants for Christmas, 266 00:13:46,680 --> 00:13:49,080 honestly, cos just one nuclear tantrum frae him, 267 00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:52,040 and we'll all be Kim Jung Killed. 268 00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:53,520 KNOCK ON DOOR 269 00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:40,200 KNOCK ON DOOR 270 00:14:57,840 --> 00:15:02,120 McLintoch! 271 00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:11,160 McLintoch, I'm a very generous man. 272 00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:15,240 So, I'm going to give you one final chance to redeem 273 00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:18,120 - your lying piggy face. - But, but, but... 274 00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:21,480 Little pig, little pig, shut your fat face! 275 00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:24,920 I just caught you in the act. 276 00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:26,640 Wanksy! 277 00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:29,880 But Sarge, I swear, right, I'm being set up, it wasnae me. 278 00:15:29,880 --> 00:15:31,600 I feel like Orange Juice Simpson! 279 00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:33,400 So, who set you up? 280 00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:36,640 No - I cannae. 281 00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:38,160 I thought as much. 282 00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:42,120 Admit your guilt and I will show leniency. 283 00:15:42,120 --> 00:15:44,760 But Sarge, it wasnae me! 284 00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:46,800 You're making things worse for yourself. 285 00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:48,120 Well, how do I make it better? 286 00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:51,800 Tell me the truth! I want the truth! 287 00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:53,640 You can't handle the truth! 288 00:15:54,760 --> 00:15:56,600 Where is that from? Is it Aladdin? 289 00:15:56,600 --> 00:15:58,720 Shut up! 290 00:15:58,720 --> 00:16:03,520 McLintoch, your seven day suspension starts now. 291 00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:04,600 Noooo! 292 00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:06,880 Oh, yeeeees! 293 00:16:11,160 --> 00:16:12,680 Morning. 294 00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:46,760 Do you think when the army started, it was just, like, one guy 295 00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:49,480 and folk were, like, "Coco, calm doon!" 296 00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:56,720 Gary? That's midday. 297 00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:01,760 Get out of your bed. 298 00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:04,000 No. There's nothing to get out for. 299 00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:06,920 Cammy's ruined my life! 300 00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:10,200 Can you bring me my breakfast now, Dad? 301 00:17:11,560 --> 00:17:13,200 Wee bastard! 302 00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:21,000 GARY GROANS 303 00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:23,200 TV: '..treated by the criminal justice system. 304 00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:26,360 'It followed mounting concern about the number of women held in jail.' 305 00:17:26,360 --> 00:17:27,720 GARY GROANS 306 00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:30,520 '..recommends demolishing Cornton Vale Prison in Stirling, 307 00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:32,760 'which would be replaced with a smaller jail...' 308 00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:34,040 GARY GROANS 309 00:17:34,040 --> 00:17:36,240 - Can you stop that? - Stop what? 310 00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:37,920 That noise you keep doing. 311 00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:40,720 What you talking about? I'm not doing any noise! 312 00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:44,480 You know, that... GARY'S DAD GROANS 313 00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:47,280 I'm not doing that! Stop shouting at me! 314 00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:51,440 TV: 'It makes 37 recommendations including closing Cornton Vale. 315 00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:54,120 'The commission also recommends that new powers be given 316 00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:55,640 'to police and judges...' 317 00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:58,520 - I was watching that! - It's rubbish. I don't want to watch that. 318 00:17:58,520 --> 00:18:00,760 Right. I've had enough of this. Go to your room. 319 00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:03,400 Naw. You can't boss me about. 320 00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:05,880 Gary! Go to your room! 321 00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:08,520 Fine. I hate you! 322 00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:15,480 '.. problem could no longer be ignored. 323 00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:18,080 'In my 28 years as a prosecutor...' 324 00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:19,720 Is my phone there? 325 00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:23,560 Thanks Dad. 326 00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:26,920 '..the local community, their families and themselves. 327 00:18:26,920 --> 00:18:29,440 'He said, undoubtedly...' 328 00:18:57,160 --> 00:19:00,320 Thanks for helping, Julie. 329 00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:03,000 - It's never easy adjusting when you come out the army. - Mmm. 330 00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:04,880 Is it like when you come out the dentist, 331 00:19:04,880 --> 00:19:07,760 and you're no sure how long it is till you can have some sweets? 332 00:19:07,760 --> 00:19:09,640 Kind of. 333 00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:12,800 Are you enjoying having a paper round? 334 00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:16,480 It's no' as good as the army. I miss my gun. 335 00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:18,480 But then, maybe my dad's right. 336 00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:21,200 It has given me something to get up for in the mornings. 337 00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:24,880 And what about the rest of today? 338 00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:26,960 I'll probably go back to bed. 339 00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:34,000 Right, off we go. 340 00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:36,120 Last one, drive on, driver. 341 00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:48,440 Number 41. You know the drill. 342 00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:50,600 I like this bit. 343 00:19:56,120 --> 00:19:58,680 Here Mr dog, dog, dog. 344 00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:00,480 I've got something for you! 345 00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:03,040 Oh, my actual dog! Gary, look, he's came over! 346 00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:05,440 Stay here Mr Dog, dog, dog, dog. 347 00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:08,640 - That's brilliant. Just keep him there. Keep him there, right? - Right. 348 00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:10,360 Go, Gary. Go, go, go. 349 00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:13,960 Here Mr Dog, dog, dog, do you want a wee treat? 350 00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:16,600 Do you want a wee treat? Look at me and all my treats. 351 00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:19,680 Now, which hand's it in? I've only got two, so you've got a chance. 352 00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:23,320 This hand or that hand? Which one is it? Which one's it in? 353 00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:25,880 That's it, clear, clear. 354 00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:27,920 How do you do that, Julie? That's brilliant. 355 00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:30,240 I've developed this wee thing, right? Treats. 356 00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:32,520 You say to the dog you've got a treat, they hear you say 357 00:20:32,520 --> 00:20:35,120 treat, cos they want a treat, cos they always want treats. 358 00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:36,600 Then they come over for the treat 359 00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:38,520 but they don't know what hand it's in. 360 00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:39,680 And which hand is it in? 361 00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:42,960 Oh, my actual dog. That's the thing. There's nae treats! 362 00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:46,280 - Ha! - Clever! That is really clever. 363 00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:50,000 Very clever indeed. 364 00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:53,000 Julie, would you like a treat? 365 00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:54,120 Yes, please. 366 00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:55,960 Which hand is it in? Which hand is it in? 367 00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:57,720 Which hand is it in? Which hand is it in? 368 00:20:57,720 --> 00:20:59,160 - That one. - That one? 369 00:20:59,160 --> 00:21:00,520 Naw! Which hand is it in? 370 00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:02,640 Which hand is it in? Which hand is it in? 371 00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:04,160 - That one. - Naw! 372 00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:06,520 - What? - See, that's the thing. There's nae treats! 373 00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:08,640 - Oh, you got me, there! - I got you! 374 00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:11,080 Look at me, I'm like a wee dog! Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff! 375 00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:13,080 And I'm like that! Grr, grr, grr! 376 00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:19,960 My favourite story when I was growing up was, erm, 377 00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:22,800 it was actually one of those stories wi' a lesson. 378 00:21:25,120 --> 00:21:28,720 It was called The Boy Who Could Cry Like A Wolf. 379 00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:31,680 HE HOWLS 380 00:21:35,640 --> 00:21:38,600 Cos it really stuck with me. Stuck in my mind. 381 00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:41,760 It was just a good story, 382 00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:43,600 but then, of course, in the end, 383 00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:45,800 he wasnae really crying like a wolf. 384 00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:49,520 He was making it up. 385 00:21:50,560 --> 00:21:55,600 I just thought, that's a really good lesson, like, for all of us. 386 00:22:00,480 --> 00:22:02,200 Hi-ya! 387 00:22:02,200 --> 00:22:04,480 GARY'S FRIENDS CHEER 388 00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:12,240 Check this place out, eh? It's hardly changed. 389 00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:14,320 You've only been away a week, Gary. 390 00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:17,680 Charlie, a week is like a year when you're in solitary. 391 00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:19,160 You were staying at your dad's. 392 00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:21,440 Jacko, see, before my dad got me that paper round, 393 00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:23,960 I was seriously suffering frae Stuck-Home Syndrome. 394 00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:25,880 What did the paper shop say when you quit? 395 00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:28,560 They were ragin'. They're making me work my notice. 396 00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:31,320 I've got to do this weekend. Oh, look who it is. 397 00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:33,000 It's the wee bee chef gee. 398 00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:35,120 I thought you got kicked out? 399 00:22:35,120 --> 00:22:37,040 Oh, Michel Roux Junior infantile, 400 00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:40,520 Big Foot wi' shoes that were too big for him couldnae kick me out. 401 00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:42,600 I was on suspension leave. 402 00:22:42,600 --> 00:22:45,000 Well, it's good to have you back. 403 00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:47,200 Aw, I knew you'd miss me. 404 00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:50,920 And I'd have missed you if it wasnae for my dad's brilliant chips. 405 00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:55,560 Seriously, it is so good to be back. 406 00:22:55,560 --> 00:22:57,480 I feel like a whole new Gareh. 407 00:22:57,480 --> 00:23:00,280 Good. So you've put all that Cammy stuff behind you, then? 408 00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:03,000 Charlie, I can honestly say... 409 00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:06,040 Naw. I havenae. 410 00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:07,600 You're just back off suspension. 411 00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:09,560 And he leaves in a week. 412 00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:12,760 Aye, but I've got to clear my good name, so it lives on for ever. 413 00:23:12,760 --> 00:23:15,880 Dinnae worry about it - cos youse are going to help me. 414 00:23:15,880 --> 00:23:18,720 - Yey. - Yes! 415 00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:22,600 - Right, you ken what you're saying? - Aye. Calm doon. 416 00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:26,360 - Mickey? - I was in the school play twice. Nae worries. 417 00:23:26,360 --> 00:23:27,960 All right, Robert Pacino. 418 00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:29,240 He's on his way. 419 00:23:29,240 --> 00:23:32,040 Right. Positions. Remember, act natural. 420 00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:39,200 All right, Gary? Pleased to be back? 421 00:23:39,200 --> 00:23:40,560 Aye. 422 00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:41,800 No hard feelings, eh? 423 00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:44,080 No, no, it's fine, it's fine. 424 00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:50,720 So, Charlie, what were you aboot to ask meh? 425 00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:55,680 So...has Thomson given you any warnings since your return? 426 00:23:55,680 --> 00:23:59,040 Oh, yes, good question. 427 00:23:59,040 --> 00:24:03,640 Yes, Thomson was furious about the graffiti, and he warned me 428 00:24:03,640 --> 00:24:06,800 that if there was just one more... 429 00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:08,920 One more? 430 00:24:08,920 --> 00:24:11,920 Yes. Just one more piece of graffiti, 431 00:24:11,920 --> 00:24:15,080 then I would surely be for the chop. 432 00:24:16,160 --> 00:24:19,640 Just make sure you heed that warning...for all our sakes. 433 00:24:20,760 --> 00:24:22,480 I will. 434 00:24:22,480 --> 00:24:24,800 - GARY WHISPERS: - I think that's a bit much. 435 00:24:27,360 --> 00:24:29,400 Did Thomson say anything else, Gary? 436 00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:33,760 Yes. Thomson said he was relieved that his car 437 00:24:33,760 --> 00:24:35,480 had never been graffitied, 438 00:24:35,480 --> 00:24:39,080 but if something happened to it tonight, 439 00:24:39,080 --> 00:24:41,120 on my first night back, 440 00:24:41,120 --> 00:24:46,520 then that would be enough evidence to sack me from the army, for evah. 441 00:24:48,480 --> 00:24:50,840 Gentlemen. 442 00:24:52,440 --> 00:24:55,120 Let us pray that never comes to pass. 443 00:24:57,720 --> 00:24:59,240 Exactly. 444 00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:02,320 I am tired now. 445 00:25:03,320 --> 00:25:05,000 I am leaving now. 446 00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:09,080 As am I. 447 00:25:09,080 --> 00:25:11,000 Me, too. 448 00:25:12,440 --> 00:25:14,200 Sake. 449 00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:22,000 Face it, it's no' worked. He's no' coming. 450 00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:24,280 Naw, that's what he wants us to think. 451 00:25:24,280 --> 00:25:27,280 There is no way this dog can refuse that treat. 452 00:25:31,520 --> 00:25:33,280 I told you. 453 00:25:33,280 --> 00:25:35,160 Bingo! Dae your stuff. 454 00:25:36,400 --> 00:25:38,240 Put that doggy doon. 455 00:25:40,280 --> 00:25:42,720 HE YELLS 456 00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:48,560 Right. Rollin'. Smile! 457 00:25:53,320 --> 00:25:55,520 Cheffeh? 458 00:25:55,520 --> 00:25:56,880 What you daein'? 459 00:25:56,880 --> 00:25:59,480 Getting ma own back on you. That's what I'm daein'. 460 00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:01,800 - For why, Cheffeh? - For that! 461 00:26:01,800 --> 00:26:04,920 Breakfast, lunch and dinner fer you, it's always cheffy this, 462 00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:07,520 cheffy that, little cheffy, sir chefsalot. 463 00:26:07,520 --> 00:26:10,520 Slaggin' me off. Slaggin' ma cookin' off. 464 00:26:10,520 --> 00:26:13,960 But it's just banter, cheffeh! 465 00:26:13,960 --> 00:26:15,880 My name is Jeff. 466 00:26:15,880 --> 00:26:18,600 Just once I'd like to be called by my actual name. 467 00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:20,080 Jeff. 468 00:26:21,360 --> 00:26:23,280 All right, Jeff? 469 00:26:23,280 --> 00:26:24,680 Jeff. 470 00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:28,960 Jeff... Chef! 471 00:26:28,960 --> 00:26:30,720 THEY LAUGH 472 00:26:30,720 --> 00:26:32,320 That is too good! 473 00:26:32,320 --> 00:26:33,800 Aargh! 474 00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:35,680 All right, calm doon. 475 00:26:35,680 --> 00:26:39,000 You'll no' hae to put up wi' us for much longer. 476 00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:41,240 Shall we get him to Thomson? Have you got the camera? 477 00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:42,440 Aye. 478 00:26:42,440 --> 00:26:44,720 Lads, dinnae, please! Gary, I'm sorry. 479 00:26:44,720 --> 00:26:48,120 I need this job. Please, I'm beggin' you. 480 00:26:48,120 --> 00:26:49,840 Right you, oot of the fryin' pan... 481 00:26:49,840 --> 00:26:53,560 - Just wait. Just wait. - What? 482 00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:57,720 I almost got chucked out the army, cos of you. 483 00:26:57,720 --> 00:27:00,160 I know, I know, I'm sorry. 484 00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:03,040 I'll do anything you want me to, whatever you want. 485 00:27:05,440 --> 00:27:06,920 Anythin'? 486 00:27:14,400 --> 00:27:20,040 And some of the lightly dusted, Cajun sprinkled, triple cooked, 487 00:27:20,040 --> 00:27:21,960 extra crunchy wedges. 488 00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:26,640 And, of course, my usual - chips. 489 00:27:26,640 --> 00:27:28,960 Of course, Gary. 490 00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:31,800 Thank you. Jeff. Chef. 491 00:27:35,000 --> 00:27:38,160 Ah, Sergeant Thomson. 492 00:27:38,160 --> 00:27:40,520 I trust your walls are graffiti-less? 493 00:27:40,520 --> 00:27:42,960 And they'd better stay that way. 494 00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:45,760 Sarge, on my good name they will be. 495 00:27:45,760 --> 00:27:48,600 Oh, and dinnae be shy with those Texan tatties. 496 00:27:50,440 --> 00:27:54,360 That's us away, Sergeant. Thank you for your hospitality. 497 00:27:54,360 --> 00:27:55,600 I'm on my lunch. 498 00:27:57,680 --> 00:28:01,880 Gary! Well, it's been fun, no hard feelings, eh? 499 00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:05,960 No. All right. See you later, eh? 500 00:28:07,040 --> 00:28:11,040 - Oh, er, Gary mate, have you got the time? - Yeah. 501 00:28:11,040 --> 00:28:13,440 THEY LAUGH 502 00:28:14,440 --> 00:28:15,920 Ragin'. 503 00:28:20,440 --> 00:28:22,560 Same again, please, chef. 504 00:28:35,560 --> 00:28:43,560 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd