CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS
This programme contains some strong language and adult humour
SCREAMING
You bastards!
Atten-shun!
Ah, good evening, not so little chef.
Usual please, and just in case you've dropped your memory,
chips are the usual.
Thank you, please.
Please and thank you, thank you, please,
please and thank you, please and thank you.
Thank you, please. Please and thank you.
Thank you, please. Thank you.
I'm thanking you, chef, please, thank you very much, please,
and thank you, chef.
You up for a few drinks, tonight, Gaz?
Aye, try and stop me. Dinnae really.
NAAFI'll be busy, with all the engineers up just now.
Aye, they'll just have to make way for the tank crew, won't they, boys?
Just mind and bring your ID, bum fluff.
Aye, bum fluff. Cos of your fluffy bum.
All right lads? Long time, no see.
How's tricks?
Aye, good tricks, good times.
Psst! Zip it! Dinnae speak to him.
Why?
Cos he's a wee snake.
Yeah. Pssssss - see ya.
You're not still blubbin' over that misunderstanding, are you?
What happened?
Cammy, here, basically conned Gary into trading our flights
back from Afghan for tickets to Shark Land.
Naw, it was gonnae be Shark World.
We were going to be kings for the day
That's right Gary, we were going to be kings for the day.
Mind, you still could be - they've opened up a Tiger Planet.
Tiger Planet? Grrr.
- Gary! - Sorry. I don't know what he does to me.
He's usin' a low level neuro-linguistic
programming sales technique.
- Is he? - Is that right, boffin bollocks?
Who you callin' boffin bollocks?
Sorry, I didn't mean to disrespect your wife in public.
- Right, that's it! - Jacko, no!
Watch my hair!
Stop this junior Sumo now!
All of ye.
Calm down, sit down.
Get on wi' your scran.
McLintoch, Joe 90, my office, now!
But Sarge, he was...
No likey, no carey.
# We're jammin'
# Hope you like jammin' too. #
That's one of my favourite songs, it's by a guy called Bob Marleh,
do you know him?
And that song's about making jam.
I like jam.
So, I think we're quite similar.
I'd really like to meet Bob.
What?
Come on, mate, are you still not speaking to me?
Fair enough not grassing up your mate - should be him
cleaning the Sarge's car.
I'll start the inside, will I?
Huh, jackpot!
Aw, check them oot. Can I have one?
Aye, help yourself.
About time for a break anyway.
Have you got the time, Gary?
Half three.
- Must get tiring, that. - What?
Having to do that every time you want to know the time.
Reaching into your pocket, having to search for your phone, is your phone there?
Sorry mate, what was the time again?
That's three thirty one.
That's actually pretty tiring.
Have a gawp at that - beautiful, eh?
Aye.
Perfect for the man that's always having to reach into his pocket,
but doesn't have the time.
Gary, I do not say this lightly,
you were born to wear that watch.
Aye.
Aye. Genuine Bolex
Bolex?
Twenty five carat Jamaican white gold.
Jamaican white gold?
How come you're no' wearing it?
Allergies. I've got the lot.
I'm allergic to gold, cats, I've got hay fever.
I spent 5,000 pounds on that watch, I cannot even wear it.
Five grand? Why don't you just take it back to the shop?
That's it.
Me nana's cat ate the receipt and I can't go near the cat, can I?
Cos of the hay fever.
Looking at that big beautiful watch on your wrist, something tells me
it's found its home.
Thank you.
Cammy, haud on, I dinnae have five grand.
Mate, mate, what with all that Shark World palaver,
I'm going to give it to you.
Aye?
For a hundred quid.
A hundred ...
I know. Cheap, isn't it?
I mean, you'd spend that on, what, a round of drinks?
Erm...
Imagine, walking into the NAAFI bar,
you've got a five grand watch on your wrist.
All the squaddies are looking, who's that lucky bastard wearing a Bolex?
Me!
I'm the lucky bastard with a Bolex.
Here, Gary, what's the time? Uh-uh...
The usual.
We dinnae serve chips here.
What? Cheffy, is that wee silly you?
- What you doin' badly here? - They're short staffed.
Your mojo can check you out, you're tiny, eh?
Right. My usual is a Boke, which is Baileys and Coke, so -
chips chops.
Not only is he a world-respected physicist,
he also played keyboards for the band D:Ream.
Aye, but I still dinnae ken him.
All right? Ready for a good ti-i-i-i-ime?
Holy shit, check out the bling!
Aye - bling bling, bling bling!
Hello, the owner of a better watch than Big Ben's watch,
aye, it's me Gareh!
Are you for real?
It would appear so. I mean, come on, check that oot.
Does that say Bolex?
I certainly hope so.
Bolex?
Gary did you get this frae Cammy?
Aye. It's 25 carat white Jamaican gold.
Is that good?
Only if you're smokin' it.
THEY LAUGH
What?
Aw, ma boy, I mean, hats off tae him, he's got you again.
- You've been Cammied. - This sounds mental.
What youse talkin' aboot?
Gary, how much did you pay for your Bolex?
Hundred quid.
LAUGHTER
What? He said it's worth five grand.
Gary, a Rolex is worth five grand.
But a Bolex is worth a fiver off a guy on the beach.
Aye, who might throw in some Boakley sunglasses.
A wee Bolce and Babanna belt?
A Bucci bag?
But they're no' real makes.
No, no, no, no!
Ragin'.
BELL RINGS
- Right, right. - Last orders.
- Just leave the bottle. - I cannae dae that.
Cannae dae that, cannae dae that - what can you dae, eh?
Cos you're not a barman, and yer hardly a cheffeh.
And your chips are rubbish.
I'm starvin' chef.
Five cans of heavy, please, mate.
You!
I've got bones to pick wi' you!
All right, Gary. You haven't got the time have you, mate?
Aye, it's - aargh!
You sold me a Bolex, that isn't even real!
Looks real to me, though.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, where do you think you're going?
Do you honestly think you can get away wi' almost making me look like an idiot?
Just gimme my money back.
Sold as seen, mate, sold as seen.
You were happy enough about it, before.
Dinnae be a fanny. Just gie him his money back.
- Whose husband are you meant to be, exactly? - What you saying?
Jacko, just leave it, just leave it.
I'll deal with this.
You...
..are stupid.
What exactly are you drinkin'?
I'm drinkin' a boke.
You got a problem with that? You got a problem with me drinking a boke?
- SERGEANT: - Break it up!
McLintoch.
Why am I over here, shouting,
when I should be over there, drinking?
Cos he's stupid.
Get out of my Friday.
Fine. I was leavin' in a bit anyway.
This isnae over, yet.
Not by a long walk.
# You can't stop looking at me
# Staring at me, be what I be
# You can't stop looking at me
# So get up out my face
# You can't stop clicking at me
# Writing 'bout me Tweeting 'bout me
# I can't stop, it's what it gon' be
# My swagger's in check
# Get on the floor
# Get, get, get on the floor
# My swagger's in check
# Get on the floor,
# Get, get, get on the floor
# I got it in check
# Swagger jagger, swagger jagger
# You should get some of your own
# Count that money Get your game up
# Get your game up... #
So, Rolfaroos.
Can you guess who's in trouble, yet?
What? This wasnae me!
McLintoch, we all saw you spit the dummy last night.
I spat at a dummy?
I must have been wrecked.
Did I not leave with youse?
Naw.
You left on your own,
having thrown your lady drink at that engineer, Cameron.
You then, weakly, threatened him, came here,
and for some incredibly stupid reason, did this!
But I don't remember.
The prosecution rests.
Get that off the wall, now!
And McLintoch, you are on very thin ice,
and for a man in your shape that's very, very dangerous.
And I don't swim.
- What were you thinking? - What?
And the "your" should be apostrophe R-E.
Boring. And I never done this.
Jacko, lads, come on!
What's all this?
'Cammy your stupid.'
Not very inventive, Gary.
Gary? Why do folk keep saying Gary?
Aw, it's you!
You want folk to think this was me!
You sneaky, snidey, snoopy.
Spraying my own name on my own block?
It's not a very great idea, is it?
Aye, but having an ice cream in a sauna isnae a great idea, but I do it.
Gary, leave it!
Jacko, what are you saying that for?
You ken what he's like. So where were you last night, huh?
I was in the NAAFI, with you.
- Aw - damn. - What about after?
Well, I just came down and did this graffiti. Oops!
I'm not that stupid.
Aw. You might actually be quite bright, but watch my words.
I will clear my name.
Yeah. Not before you've cleared mine, though.
I'll let you get on with it.
HE LAUGHS
You're lucky that Bolex is splash proof.
He so done it!
You're right, Mickey. He pure done did.
See, the tricky thing with North Korea is -
have you see that wee laddie?
Kim Young 'Un? He's clearly got issues.
And nuclear weapons. That isnae a good combo.
But I mean, what can you do?
I mean, he's calling the shots, literally.
Let's just hope he gets what he wants for Christmas,
honestly, cos just one nuclear tantrum frae him,
and we'll all be Kim Jung Killed.
KNOCK ON DOOR
McLintoch!
McLintoch, I'm a very generous man.
So, I'm going to give you one final chance to redeem
- your lying piggy face. - But, but, but...
Little pig, little pig, shut your fat face!
I just caught you in the act.
Wanksy!
But Sarge, I swear, right, I'm being set up, it wasnae me.
I feel like Orange Juice Simpson!
So, who set you up?
No - I cannae.
I thought as much.
Admit your guilt and I will show leniency.
But Sarge, it wasnae me!
You're making things worse for yourself.
Well, how do I make it better?
Tell me the truth! I want the truth!
You can't handle the truth!
Where is that from? Is it Aladdin?
Shut up!
McLintoch, your seven day suspension starts now.
Noooo!
Oh, yeeeees!
Morning.
Do you think when the army started, it was just, like, one guy
and folk were, like, "Coco, calm doon!"
Gary? That's midday.
Get out of your bed.
No. There's nothing to get out for.
Cammy's ruined my life!
Can you bring me my breakfast now, Dad?
Wee bastard!
GARY GROANS
TV: '..treated by the criminal justice system.
'It followed mounting concern about the number of women held in jail.'
GARY GROANS
'..recommends demolishing Cornton Vale Prison in Stirling,
'which would be replaced with a smaller jail...'
GARY GROANS
- Can you stop that? - Stop what?
That noise you keep doing.
What you talking about? I'm not doing any noise!
You know, that... GARY'S DAD GROANS
I'm not doing that! Stop shouting at me!
TV: 'It makes 37 recommendations including closing Cornton Vale.
'The commission also recommends that new powers be given
'to police and judges...'
- I was watching that! - It's rubbish. I don't want to watch that.
Right. I've had enough of this. Go to your room.
Naw. You can't boss me about.
Gary! Go to your room!
Fine. I hate you!
'.. problem could no longer be ignored.
'In my 28 years as a prosecutor...'
Is my phone there?
Thanks Dad.
'..the local community, their families and themselves.
'He said, undoubtedly...'
Thanks for helping, Julie.
- It's never easy adjusting when you come out the army. - Mmm.
Is it like when you come out the dentist,
and you're no sure how long it is till you can have some sweets?
Kind of.
Are you enjoying having a paper round?
It's no' as good as the army. I miss my gun.
But then, maybe my dad's right.
It has given me something to get up for in the mornings.
And what about the rest of today?
I'll probably go back to bed.
Right, off we go.
Last one, drive on, driver.
Number 41. You know the drill.
I like this bit.
Here Mr dog, dog, dog.
I've got something for you!
Oh, my actual dog! Gary, look, he's came over!
Stay here Mr Dog, dog, dog, dog.
- That's brilliant. Just keep him there. Keep him there, right? - Right.
Go, Gary. Go, go, go.
Here Mr Dog, dog, dog, do you want a wee treat?
Do you want a wee treat? Look at me and all my treats.
Now, which hand's it in? I've only got two, so you've got a chance.
This hand or that hand? Which one is it? Which one's it in?
That's it, clear, clear.
How do you do that, Julie? That's brilliant.
I've developed this wee thing, right? Treats.
You say to the dog you've got a treat, they hear you say
treat, cos they want a treat, cos they always want treats.
Then they come over for the treat
but they don't know what hand it's in.
And which hand is it in?
Oh, my actual dog. That's the thing. There's nae treats!
- Ha! - Clever! That is really clever.
Very clever indeed.
Julie, would you like a treat?
Yes, please.
Which hand is it in? Which hand is it in?
- That one. - That one?
Naw! Which hand is it in?
Which hand is it in? Which hand is it in?
- That one. - Naw!
- What? - See, that's the thing. There's nae treats!
- Oh, you got me, there! - I got you!
Look at me, I'm like a wee dog! Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff!
And I'm like that! Grr, grr, grr!
My favourite story when I was growing up was, erm,
it was actually one of those stories wi' a lesson.
It was called The Boy Who Could Cry Like A Wolf.
HE HOWLS
Cos it really stuck with me. Stuck in my mind.
It was just a good story,
but then, of course, in the end,
he wasnae really crying like a wolf.
He was making it up.
I just thought, that's a really good lesson, like, for all of us.
Hi-ya!
GARY'S FRIENDS CHEER
Check this place out, eh? It's hardly changed.
You've only been away a week, Gary.
Charlie, a week is like a year when you're in solitary.
You were staying at your dad's.
Jacko, see, before my dad got me that paper round,
I was seriously suffering frae Stuck-Home Syndrome.
What did the paper shop say when you quit?
They were ragin'. They're making me work my notice.
I've got to do this weekend. Oh, look who it is.
It's the wee bee chef gee.
I thought you got kicked out?
Oh, Michel Roux Junior infantile,
Big Foot wi' shoes that were too big for him couldnae kick me out.
I was on suspension leave.
Well, it's good to have you back.
Aw, I knew you'd miss me.
And I'd have missed you if it wasnae for my dad's brilliant chips.
Seriously, it is so good to be back.
I feel like a whole new Gareh.
Good. So you've put all that Cammy stuff behind you, then?
Charlie, I can honestly say...
Naw. I havenae.
You're just back off suspension.
And he leaves in a week.
Aye, but I've got to clear my good name, so it lives on for ever.
Dinnae worry about it - cos youse are going to help me.
- Yey. - Yes!
- Right, you ken what you're saying? - Aye. Calm doon.
- Mickey? - I was in the school play twice. Nae worries.
All right, Robert Pacino.
He's on his way.
Right. Positions. Remember, act natural.
All right, Gary? Pleased to be back?
Aye.
No hard feelings, eh?
No, no, it's fine, it's fine.
So, Charlie, what were you aboot to ask meh?
So...has Thomson given you any warnings since your return?
Oh, yes, good question.
Yes, Thomson was furious about the graffiti, and he warned me
that if there was just one more...
One more?
Yes. Just one more piece of graffiti,
then I would surely be for the chop.
Just make sure you heed that warning...for all our sakes.
I will.
- GARY WHISPERS: - I think that's a bit much.
Did Thomson say anything else, Gary?
Yes. Thomson said he was relieved that his car
had never been graffitied,
but if something happened to it tonight,
on my first night back,
then that would be enough evidence to sack me from the army, for evah.
Gentlemen.
Let us pray that never comes to pass.
Exactly.
I am tired now.
I am leaving now.
As am I.
Me, too.
Sake.
Face it, it's no' worked. He's no' coming.
Naw, that's what he wants us to think.
There is no way this dog can refuse that treat.
I told you.
Bingo! Dae your stuff.
Put that doggy doon.
HE YELLS
Right. Rollin'. Smile!
Cheffeh?
What you daein'?
Getting ma own back on you. That's what I'm daein'.
- For why, Cheffeh? - For that!
Breakfast, lunch and dinner fer you, it's always cheffy this,
cheffy that, little cheffy, sir chefsalot.
Slaggin' me off. Slaggin' ma cookin' off.
But it's just banter, cheffeh!
My name is Jeff.
Just once I'd like to be called by my actual name.
Jeff.
All right, Jeff?
Jeff.
Jeff... Chef!
THEY LAUGH
That is too good!
Aargh!
All right, calm doon.
You'll no' hae to put up wi' us for much longer.
Shall we get him to Thomson? Have you got the camera?
Aye.
Lads, dinnae, please! Gary, I'm sorry.
I need this job. Please, I'm beggin' you.
Right you, oot of the fryin' pan...
- Just wait. Just wait. - What?
I almost got chucked out the army, cos of you.
I know, I know, I'm sorry.
I'll do anything you want me to, whatever you want.
Anythin'?
And some of the lightly dusted, Cajun sprinkled, triple cooked,
extra crunchy wedges.
And, of course, my usual - chips.
Of course, Gary.
Thank you. Jeff. Chef.
Ah, Sergeant Thomson.
I trust your walls are graffiti-less?
And they'd better stay that way.
Sarge, on my good name they will be.
Oh, and dinnae be shy with those Texan tatties.
That's us away, Sergeant. Thank you for your hospitality.
I'm on my lunch.
Gary! Well, it's been fun, no hard feelings, eh?
No. All right. See you later, eh?
- Oh, er, Gary mate, have you got the time? - Yeah.
THEY LAUGH
Ragin'.
Same again, please, chef.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd