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Welcome back to Army Masterchef, 

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where Gary McLintoch has made something so delicious, 

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- he's eaten it all already.
- What? 

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Get away! I'm trying to have my lunch! 

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This programme contains some strong language and adult humour. 

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Attennnn-shun! 

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Nnnnnnnnngggggggg... 

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Again. 

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Nnnnnnnnngggggggg.... 

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It's a noise like that, something like that. In the tank. 

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I don't know where it is but I hear it, 

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it's like nnnnnnnnnnggggggggg... 

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McLintoch, stop wasting my life. Listen up! 

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I want Meatloaf here, checked and signed off for us shipping out 

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on Sunday. Understood, Moomins? 

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ALL: Sarge. 

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Gary, do you want to maybe take that? 

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Do you maybe want to think about getting a promotion 

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before you start trying to order me about? 

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But...seeing as I am a team player, the best team player, 

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I will help out. 

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I cannae believe we're back to Blighty on Sunday. 

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- A bit gutted, to be honest. 
- Gutted? I cannae wait. 

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Germany gives me the bratwurst boke. 

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- It's better than Afghan.
- Barely. 
- Gary, it's better than Afghan. 

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Looked hot, in the photos. Was it? 

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Aye, it was pretty hot. 

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It was a bit like being on a really violent holiday. 

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A violent holiday? 

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Oh, like last year when I went to Zante with the Club 18 to 30. 

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It was madness. 

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- And what was madness about it? 
- Well, I was only 17, eh? 

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Aw. That is madness. 

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Here, hold on, that cannae be right. You were 17 last year? 

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That means you were born in 1970... 

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- '94.
- 1994? Dinnae be stupid. Nobody's born in 1994. 

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Aye, they are. I was, and I'm 18 years young and loving it. 

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Talking of loving it, the ladies out here, pretty good, ja? 

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Aye, is that right, shagger? 

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Have you been watching channel 65 again? 

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Aye, the wrestling? 

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- Kinda.
- Well, if you must know, I've met an amazing German... 

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Shepherd! 

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Lady. 

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An amazing German shepherd lady? She sounds woof. 

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Do you mean rough? 

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No. 

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So, Gary, would you like a tea-break? 

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Yes, I would, Gary. Thanks very much, Gary. As you were. 

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I think we like celebrity in this country cos... 

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And they're like, aw, look at them 

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celebrities with their shoes and their hats and their hair and their 

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hands and their teeth and folk think, aw, I wish I could have all that. 

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Or even maybe some of that. It's like with the Royal Wedding, 

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you know, with William and Pippa and everyone was like aw, you know, 

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it's just like before the divorce when Diana and Prince Andrew 

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got married. I don't know what it is about Royal Weddings, 

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folk get really funny about it and really excited, 

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saying like, oh, I wonder how long it will last, 

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and what will Harry go dressed as. 

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And, you know what I mean, for the wedding, they were saying that 

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it was the whole of the world's media was there. Like, that's mental, eh? 

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That every media person in the world was there for that wedding? 

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I mean, it did look busy. 

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Buffet must have been, like, massive, eh? Cost them a fortune. 

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Bet they had, like, really fancy stuff, like Kettle Chips and that. 

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Do you ken them? They dinnae look like kettles but they call them Kettle Chips. 

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"Would Gary care for some 

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"mature cheese 

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"with...sea water flavour?" 

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Well, no. 

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Skips. 

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They fizzle on your tongue. 

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What is wrong with saying that I find the German social and economic 

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recovery post 1945 interesting? 

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Nothing, if you want folk to walk away from you mid sentence. 

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Well, actually... 

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Well, actually, Anya, the wonderful lady who I have met 

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and enjoy discussing... 

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HE SLAMS THE CRATE DOWN 

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Anya. That this ho you've been talking to? 

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It's what they say, ken, like rappers and that 

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Right, I think we'll just ignore P Silly the now. 

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- So, who's the lucky bint? 
- Her name's Anya. 

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- Do you mean Anna?
- Anya. I met her at my English class. 

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- Your what class?
- I signed up to study English as a foreign language. 

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How? What do you speak? Apart from shite. 

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- Are you kidding me? 
- See, it's typical. 

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That's why I never said anything. It's great. 

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You get to learn about the construction of the language. 

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Right, no, no, no, I'm sorry. In fact, I'm no sorry, right? 

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Charlie, I have to say, right, see over the years, Charlie, right, 

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I've had to endure a massive grey mountain of your dull chat, right. 

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Chat that has been more of a threat to my well-being 

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than the Taliban ever was, right? 

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But see, you saying you're going to English class to study English 

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when you speak English has got to be one of the dullest things 

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I have ever heard. 

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Right, this addiction to dullness, Charlie, has got to stop. 

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- Not everyone's like you, Gary. 
- Hence the problems in the world. 

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I'm gonnae say this for your own good. You need to, ken, like, 

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get some chat about you or you're gonnae die of dullness. 

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Go on! You need to get a bit of spontaneity about you. 

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Do something spontaneous. 

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Have you finished? 

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Aye. Where are you going? 

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Away from here. Is that spontaneous enough for you? 

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I think he's annoyed. 

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I mean, that's what happens when you take someone boring to Germany. 

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They end up loving it. 

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I swear, he will thank me when he's interesting. 

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# When the time grew near for me to show my love 

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# The longer I stayed away for 

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# Hiding from a word I need to hear now 

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- # Don't think I'll hear it again 
- Don't think I'll hear it again 

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# But the nights were always warm with you 

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# Holding you right by my side 

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# Right by my side 

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# But the morning always comes too soon 

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# Before I even close my eyes 

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# All I do each night is pray 

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# Hoping that I'll be a part of you again some day... # 

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- Nnnnnnnnngggggggg...
- All right, I'll have another look. 

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- Nnnnnnnnngggggggg...
- I get it. 

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Good. Remember, nnnnnnngggggggggg. 

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Gary! 

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Remember to give us a shout if you find it, right? 

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- I need to speak to you.
- Dinnae get your netballs in a twist, what is it? 

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- It's about yesterday.
- Right. See about yesterday, 

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you know, your boringness, it's a bit like a disease, 

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- you cannae help it. 
- No, I can. I have. 

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Naafi bar, five minutes. 

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All right. 

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Nnnnnnnnnnggggggggg. 

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- What's this all about? 
- He wouldnae say. 

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But I've no' seen him this excited since he found Wikipedia. Dick. 

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Maybe he's won the Lottery. 

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Holy shit, is that Charlie's bird? 

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She's quite tidy, eh? 

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- Guten tag.
- In English! 

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- Good day, to you, lads. This is... 
- Anya.
- Do you mean Anna? 

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No. Anya. 

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Anya, Anya, Anya, Anya! 

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ANYA LAUGHS 

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So, pretty cool place you guys have here, ja? 

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- So, what's the news? Have you won the Lottery?
- Ze Lottery? 

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Oh, ja, Charles has won the Lottery. Me! 

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ANYA LAUGHS 

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- I've maybe not technically won the Lottery.
- Good. 

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But the prize is much more precious than that. 

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Me and Anya, we're... 

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I didn't realise I would feel like this. 

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Let the words flow. 

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Spit it out. 

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We're... 

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We're getting married. 

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- What?
- Shut up. 

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- Oh, congratulations.
- Ja. 

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Married. Tying knots, you know? 

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# Here comes the bride 

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# 40 inches wide 

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# Squeezing through ze church door 

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# To get her bum inside. 

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LAUGHTER 

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So obviously, we leave on Sunday, so it's this Saturday. 

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- I've looked into a registrars, and it's all booked.
- This Saturday? 

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Ja. Booked. Exciting, don't you think? 

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- So, a drink to celebrate. 
- Ja! Let's celebrate! 

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- What are we going to do about the child bride?
- About Charlie? 

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Dinnae ken. We can either do something 

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to stop him making an arse of himself and ruining his life, 

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- or we can just leave it. 
- We cannae just leave it. 

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- So...what do you think?
- They're all right, just need more salt. 

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- No, Anya.
- Aye, aye, she's got that, erm...you ken that way 

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like with some folk... you ken that, eh, 

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just the way that... 

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- Right, enough. You cannae do it. 
- Au contraire. 

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- In English.
- We very much are doing this.
- You don't even ken her. 

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- She's going to take you for a ride.
- Shut up. No she's no'. 

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Right, I think what Jacko's trying to say is that she's just... 

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a bit annoying and you don't make a good couple, 

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which is weird, cos you're actually quite annoying as well. 

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You just can't do it, can you? 

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You can't ever bring yourselves to say anything positive 

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about what I'm doing. 

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- I liked her hair.
- I thought it was quite dry.
- You're jealous. 

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Hardly. 

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Listen, I think all we're trying to say is that you shouldnae marry her. 

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Well, I am marrying her. And if you don't like it.. 

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- We don't!
- You can get tae fuck! 

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- All right?
- Shhhh. 

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Sorry. 

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- Studying?
- Aye. 

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- English?
- Yes. 

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- Look, I don't want to talk about Anya, I don't want to talk about the wedding.
- That's fine, 

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- cos me and the boys have been discussing it, right...
- Shhh! 

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Sorry. 

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I think you have made your point. 

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- We just don't want you to look like a complete arse, right?
- Shhh! 

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No, you shhh, you book radge. 

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I'm giving out, like, some Gary advice here. 

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Cheers for the concern. 

203
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To think I was going to ask you to be my best man, as well. 

204
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What? Your best man? Like, at your wedding? 

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Like, organising the stag do, doing the speeches and that? 

206
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That would have been the idea, aye. I thought it would have been up your street. 

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Up my street? I live on that street. I own that street. 

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I rent properties to me on that street. 

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- But you don't want me to marry her.
- No, no, no, no... 

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- We just want you to be sure. 
- I am sure. It feels right. 

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She's perfect. I want Anya to be my wife. 

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And you want me to be your best man? 

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Who am I to stand in the way of such a good decision? 

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So... 

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Gary. Do you want to be my best man? 

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I do. 

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BOTH: Yaaaaaaas! 

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- Shhh!
- NO! 

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So what's the score? Is the match called off? 

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- Em...kinda.
- Kinda? 

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I dinnae ken how to tell you this apart from telling you, but... 

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I'm going to be the best man! Literally! 

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You're joking. 

224
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Only at the speech! 

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The speech? I cannae believe you. 

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What? Well, do you know what? I cannae believe you, right? 

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I mean, have you even considered that one of your closest pals, right, 

228
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who's been with you through thick and things, 

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is just looking for a bit of support on his special day. 

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And it's no just me I'm talking about, 

231
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this is important to Charlie as well. 

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Well, I'm telling you, this is going to end in wee boy tears. 

233
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Well, if I do get a bit emotional, that's fine. 

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We're no' all made of brick. 

235
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At, er, ease. 

236
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McLintoch, why is it that every time I see you, you're doing nothing? 

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I think it's mainly bad timing on your part, Sarge, 

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but on this occasion, as I was just telling the Tweedle brothers here, 

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I'm going to be a best man. 

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And pray tell, which friendless, hermit, 

241
00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:28,840
cave dwelling leper reached out to you for their special day? 

242
00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:31,880
- Charlie.
- Private Smith? Is it his sister? 

243
00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:32,960
HE LAUGHS 

244
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:35,320
Here, listen, the stag do's on Friday. You should come. 

245
00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:36,640
I invite you. 

246
00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:39,080
Oh. 

247
00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:45,360
Haven't been on a proper lads' night out since, er...Sergeant? 

248
00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:48,760
I fear, sir, that these babies don't know what a stag do is. 

249
00:13:48,760 --> 00:13:54,120
Bangkok '92. 20 men out, 18 men and one woman back. 

250
00:13:54,120 --> 00:13:56,360
That was a stag do. 

251
00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:57,600
One went missing? 

252
00:13:57,600 --> 00:14:01,720
No, he stayed out there. Got a job washing ping pong balls. 

253
00:14:01,720 --> 00:14:04,920
Why would you wash a ping pong ball? 

254
00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:07,800
A valid point. Well, I'll see you for the old, er... 

255
00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:12,280
Now, back to work, hens. 

256
00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:17,680
See when folk talk about the Arab Spring... 

257
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:22,640
All I can think about is a cocktail. 

258
00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:24,800
Like, you can imagine ordering it, 

259
00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:27,280
like, can I have an Arab Spring, please? 

260
00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:30,560
And then, like, a really angry barman with a scarf wrapped round his face 

261
00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:33,840
hands you a glass of sand. But you couldn't hand it back. 

262
00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:36,440
Cos that would be, like, disrespectful. 

263
00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:39,680
Cos that's what they're fighting for. 

264
00:14:39,680 --> 00:14:41,960
They've got to fight... 

265
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:45,040
for the right 

266
00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:46,080
to party. 

267
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:48,400
Hurry up! 

268
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:51,160
Go away. I'm not going out in this. 

269
00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:52,840
Oh, let us see it. 

270
00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:01,440
THEY LAUGH 

271
00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:02,960
Where did you get that? 

272
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:05,480
I got that from a really weird, like, joke shop 

273
00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:07,640
that sold rubber sausages and that 

274
00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:10,640
and I said to the boy, "I want a really mental outfit for my pal." 

275
00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:13,040
- Rubber sausages?
- Aye, you should have seen some of them, 

276
00:15:13,040 --> 00:15:15,800
- they were massive. 
- Seriously, I cannae wear this. 

277
00:15:16,840 --> 00:15:20,320
No, you're right. You cannae. 

278
00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:22,040
Cos it's no' finished. 

279
00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:31,040
No. No, no, no. 

280
00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:36,400
ALL: Awwww, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. 

281
00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:47,040
Hiya! Right, here we go, one Limerick sunrise wi' a twist. 

282
00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:52,320
- Down it.
- Down it, down it, down it, down it, down it, down it... 

283
00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:55,120
Waaaaaaaay! 

284
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:57,520
THEY CHEER 

285
00:15:57,520 --> 00:16:03,000
Good effort, Private. Do you mind if I speed up my intake? 

286
00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:07,800
Listen up, the Captain is going to down his drink. 

287
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:09,880
Go, sir. Go on, that's it! Brilliant! 

288
00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:14,280
Ooooooooohhhh! 

289
00:16:14,280 --> 00:16:17,600
Waaaaay! 

290
00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:20,480
THEY CHEER 

291
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,480
It was genuinely brilliant, sir. 

292
00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:25,360
I've never...never done that before. 

293
00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:28,000
Oh...Oh, God. 

294
00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:31,040
LAUGHTER 

295
00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:34,320
So, have you arranged any cultural activities, as requested? 

296
00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:36,920
Cultural activity? What you talking about? 

297
00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:40,760
We're in an Irish bar in Germany. Look how old all this stuff is. 

298
00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:43,720
Right. My round. I'll get the bokes in, eh? 

299
00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:47,240
- Just a single for me. 
- Dinnae be a Charlie. 

300
00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:48,560
All right. Double. 

301
00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:50,760
ALL: Waaaaaaaaaaay! 

302
00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:53,880
Never had you down for all this kinky shit, son. 

303
00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:56,440
I'm not. I mean, I'm not anti-fetishistic 

304
00:16:56,440 --> 00:16:59,640
- with regard to sexual practices... 
- Suffering arseholes, he's started. 

305
00:16:59,640 --> 00:17:04,560
- Get me a triple!
- Brilliant. Sarge is on the triples. 

306
00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:08,520
What a brilliant night we're having, eh? I done this. Aye. 

307
00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:13,800
Waaaaaaaay! 

308
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:16,640
THEY LAUGH 

309
00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:20,800
Marriage...best thing in the world. 

310
00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:25,080
Is it? To be fair, Sarge, sometimes you do call your wife an idiot. 

311
00:17:25,080 --> 00:17:27,520
She is an idiot, but she's my idiot. 

312
00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:31,480
See, sometimes when I wake up in the morning 

313
00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:36,240
and I look into that idiot's face, I could cry. 

314
00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:42,480
No matter what I say, no matter what I do, 

315
00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:45,440
that idiot will always be there for me. 

316
00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:49,920
And that's what marriage is all about. 

317
00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:58,480
Gary...Gary Stags. Gary, Gary Stags, right. 

318
00:17:58,480 --> 00:18:03,400
Eh, the club is round about here right? Find it. 

319
00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:09,760
What's the hold up, ma boy? 

320
00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:16,680
Sake...I knew it. 

321
00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:19,440
Why am I bokeless? 

322
00:18:19,440 --> 00:18:25,960
Sarge, we may have a kinda, eine kleinsey problem. 

323
00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:29,760
Red dress. That's Charlie's bird to be. 

324
00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:34,240
Or not to be. Fraulein Trollop! 

325
00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:37,480
You trying to make an even bigger idiot of my soldier 

326
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:41,040
than he already is? Disgraceful! 

327
00:18:41,040 --> 00:18:44,800
If you were a small man, I would punch you! 

328
00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:54,080
- Guys, relax. He's my cousin. 
- Hi, I am Jan.
- Do you mean Ian? 

329
00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:58,360
Aye. Well, he looked a bit close to be your cousin. 

330
00:18:58,360 --> 00:19:00,800
Sergeant...help. 

331
00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:02,600
Of course, sir. 

332
00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:08,440
- We are close, very close. 
- Ja, I don't like to talk about this, 

333
00:19:08,440 --> 00:19:11,320
- but I saved her life. It's no big deal.
- Ja, ja. 

334
00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:15,840
When I was 12, I was cooking a pretzel and my house caught on fire. 

335
00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:18,960
Jan rushed in and saved me. 

336
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:23,040
See, Jacko, it's all fine, eh? We're back in the game. 

337
00:19:23,040 --> 00:19:26,120
Hiya, baby! Hi, Jan. 

338
00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:29,320
- I'm sitting down. 
- Oh, Charlie, you are such a Brit. 

339
00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:30,400
He is a wee Brit, eh? 

340
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:33,600
Listen, the man in the rubber sausage shop, right, 

341
00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:36,360
he got us free passes for this disco, I just cannae find it. 

342
00:19:36,360 --> 00:19:40,120
Funky choice, Gary! I know exactly where this is. 

343
00:19:40,120 --> 00:19:44,480
- Come on.
- Sorry, love, stag rules. No women. 

344
00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:50,560
Relax. We're not in the army now, rules are there to be broken. 

345
00:19:50,560 --> 00:19:52,880
Tiny Thomson. 

346
00:19:52,880 --> 00:19:56,880
Tiny Thomson! That is something I would never call you, Sarge. 

347
00:19:56,880 --> 00:19:59,040
Right, come on! 

348
00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:14,120
Three, two, one, go! 

349
00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:27,600
Yaaaaaaaaaas! 

350
00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:12,520
Charlie is very lucky to have you as the best man. 

351
00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:13,800
Aye, he is, eh? 

352
00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:17,280
I'm pretty much a natural choice, eh? I'm basically his hero. 

353
00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:20,760
Ja? I can imagine. You have saved him before. 

354
00:21:20,760 --> 00:21:25,400
Saved him? Aye, I've saved the lot of them, Jacko and Sarge, cats, money, 

355
00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:28,760
- I've saved the lot. 
- And the bond will never be broken. 

356
00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:31,080
Never be broken! No, no way! 

357
00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:33,720
Sometimes, I just think they must just admire me that much, 

358
00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:35,080
but Gary cannae help it. 

359
00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:40,680
Gross Gary Barlow! Kebab o'clock! 

360
00:21:40,680 --> 00:21:46,080
- Move your arse!
- Aye. He's never off, never off. 

361
00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:50,400
- Right, see you tomorrow. 
- So long, farewell, 

362
00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:55,520
- auf wiedersehen, goodbye.
- Ja! 

363
00:21:56,760 --> 00:22:00,400
Imagine monkeys could talk. 

364
00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:04,560
I mean...they would just say funny thing after funny thing. 

365
00:22:04,560 --> 00:22:07,040
Then do a back flip. 

366
00:22:07,040 --> 00:22:10,720
I'd get on so well with monkeys. Fact. 

367
00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:14,240
HE MIMICS A MONKEY 

368
00:22:15,360 --> 00:22:18,000
CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS 

369
00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:25,600
Nnnnnnnngggggg... 

370
00:22:27,080 --> 00:22:31,040
It's just this noise...in the tank. I can't work it out. 

371
00:22:31,040 --> 00:22:34,120
Maybe you should try and not think about it so much. 

372
00:22:34,120 --> 00:22:36,280
Often solutions come then, ja? 

373
00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:39,920
Aye....aye. Nnnnnnnnnggggggggg... 

374
00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:41,600
Gary, can you stop doing that? 

375
00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:47,240
Jacko, Jacko, tune. 

376
00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:53,040
# My life is brilliant 

377
00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:55,040
# My love is pure... # 

378
00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:57,680
- Ah, James...
- Blunt. 

379
00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:02,520
This is it. 

380
00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:10,080
You are beautiful. 

381
00:23:10,080 --> 00:23:11,600
Barry, hen. 

382
00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:14,520
Charlie. Mein schatz. 

383
00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:18,000
- That doesn't sound very nice. 
- It means my treasure. 

384
00:23:21,960 --> 00:23:25,320
- What is it?
- You have such a beautiful spirit. 

385
00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:28,960
But I have to set your spirit free. 

386
00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:32,920
I'll give you a moment. 

387
00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:42,000
- What do you mean, free?
- It was Gary. Gary made me realise.
- Realise what? 

388
00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:45,840
About Jan and our bond. How close we'd grown. 

389
00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:47,760
I hadn't seen it, but Gary... 

390
00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:51,040
Could you maybe stop saying Gary so much? 

391
00:23:51,040 --> 00:23:55,160
But Gary, you were right. It's a bond for life. 

392
00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:57,640
- I couldn't live without him. 
- What's going on here? 

393
00:23:57,640 --> 00:24:01,080
- What exactly are you saying? 
- I must be with Jan. 

394
00:24:01,080 --> 00:24:05,160
- Anya!
- Be with Jan? But he's your cousin. 

395
00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:07,200
In spirit, it feels right. 

396
00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:09,480
- Gosh.
- Filth! 

397
00:24:09,480 --> 00:24:10,520
Told you. 

398
00:24:10,520 --> 00:24:12,520
Awwww! 

399
00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:18,960
Hi, guys. It's no big deal, but our aunties are outside. 

400
00:24:18,960 --> 00:24:20,760
Are we good to go? 

401
00:24:20,760 --> 00:24:22,840
Aunties? What's he talking about? 

402
00:24:22,840 --> 00:24:27,320
My sweet, sweet Charlie Sheen, I was hoping, with your generous spirit, 

403
00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:30,160
you would let Jan and I get married at the time we booked. 

404
00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:32,720
Oh, and Gary, maybe you could be our witness? 

405
00:24:34,480 --> 00:24:37,560
- No. Course not.
- This cannae... 

406
00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:39,840
Oh, Charlie Sheen. 

407
00:24:39,840 --> 00:24:41,480
Right, just get away from him, right. 

408
00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:43,840
Imagine marrying your own cousin, that's isn't right. 

409
00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:46,840
I don't know why it isn't right, but folk have been saying it's no right, 

410
00:24:46,840 --> 00:24:48,920
so I'm saying it as well. Right, off you go. 

411
00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:52,520
So, are we ready? 

412
00:24:52,520 --> 00:24:55,120
No, no, we're going to leave it, hen, that's fine, aye, Barry. 

413
00:24:55,120 --> 00:24:56,360
Good effort and that, right. 

414
00:24:56,360 --> 00:25:00,440
Soldier, get your jilted arse out of that aisle. 

415
00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:02,640
Come on, up you get. That's it. 

416
00:25:04,520 --> 00:25:06,720
Rupert Murdoch! 

417
00:25:06,720 --> 00:25:08,280
Robert Murdoch! 

418
00:25:08,280 --> 00:25:09,640
James Murdoch! 

419
00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:12,000
Rebekah Brooks! 

420
00:25:13,040 --> 00:25:15,120
Piers Morgan! 

421
00:25:15,120 --> 00:25:17,000
Worse than me! 

422
00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:18,120
Congratulations! 

423
00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:37,160
You're best rid. Trust me, a bird that could marry her cousin 

424
00:25:37,160 --> 00:25:40,720
is a bird that can cut your balls off in your sleep. 

425
00:25:40,720 --> 00:25:42,280
Fact. 

426
00:25:43,280 --> 00:25:44,680
Cheers, mate. 

427
00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:51,840
Right, all right, right, settle down, settle down, settle down, right. 

428
00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:54,520
I ken what some of you were thinking, you were thinking, 

429
00:25:54,520 --> 00:25:58,880
oh, no, Gary won't be doing his speech, cos Charlie's ruined it, 

430
00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:02,800
but it's all right, cos I've got a speech and I'm gonnae be doing it. 

431
00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:07,160
So, when Charlie asked me to be his best man, I said aye, 

432
00:26:07,160 --> 00:26:10,200
which is more than his fiancee said earlier today, eh? 

433
00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:12,720
Brilliant, brilliant. 

434
00:26:12,720 --> 00:26:15,960
But seriously, I ken that for a best man's speech, 

435
00:26:15,960 --> 00:26:17,680
I'm meant to stand up here 

436
00:26:17,680 --> 00:26:20,920
and tell embarrassing stories about the groom. 

437
00:26:20,920 --> 00:26:24,000
But after today, I dinnae need to. 

438
00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:26,200
I mean, how embarrassing was that?! 

439
00:26:26,200 --> 00:26:27,840
Very. 

440
00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:30,960
But by this point in the day, you know, the father of the bride 

441
00:26:30,960 --> 00:26:34,720
might of welcomed Charlie to his radge family, 

442
00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:39,280
imagine that, but I think maybe it's just good if I say, Charlie... 

443
00:26:39,280 --> 00:26:42,400
you are our annoying wee brother 

444
00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:46,480
and we'd like to welcome you back to our family. 

445
00:26:46,480 --> 00:26:51,720
So, I propose a toast and it's to, of course, me, 

446
00:26:51,720 --> 00:26:54,600
Gary, the best man, and annoying Charlie. 

447
00:26:54,600 --> 00:26:58,240
ALL: Gary the best man and annoying Charlie. 

448
00:26:58,240 --> 00:26:59,600
Brilliant. 

449
00:26:59,600 --> 00:27:02,640
All right, so, now it's time for the first dance. Right, get the tunes up. 

450
00:27:02,640 --> 00:27:05,040
I dinnae sprachen the Dutch and that, right, brilliant. 

451
00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:11,040
Aye, great. So, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Muppets and monkeys, 

452
00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:16,600
welcome to the dance floor, it's the jilted groom, it's Charlie. 

453
00:27:18,960 --> 00:27:22,040
# Come a little bit closer baby 

454
00:27:22,040 --> 00:27:24,680
# Get it on, get it on 

455
00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:27,960
# Cos tonight is the night 

456
00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:31,720
- ALL:
- # When two become one 

457
00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:35,800
# I need some love like I never needed love before 

458
00:27:35,800 --> 00:27:38,640
# Want to make love to you, baby 

459
00:27:38,640 --> 00:27:42,400
# I had a little love and now I'm back for more 

460
00:27:42,400 --> 00:27:45,440
# Want to make love to you, baby 

461
00:27:45,440 --> 00:27:48,240
# Set your spirit free 

462
00:27:48,240 --> 00:27:51,160
# It's the only way to be... # 

463
00:27:51,160 --> 00:27:57,280
Nnnnnnnnnnggggggggg... 

464
00:27:57,280 --> 00:27:59,920
Can you stop making that noise? 

465
00:27:59,920 --> 00:28:01,400
What noise? 

466
00:28:01,400 --> 00:28:04,480
Nnnnnnnnnnggggggggg. 

467
00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:07,680
Nnnnnnnnnnggggggggg... 

468
00:28:07,680 --> 00:28:11,200
It's me. I'm the noise. 

469
00:28:12,440 --> 00:28:14,360
Problem solved. 

470
00:28:15,480 --> 00:28:16,760
Well done, Gary! 

471
00:28:18,640 --> 00:28:23,360
Oh, Charlie, what's German for goodbye? 

472
00:28:23,360 --> 00:28:25,320
Auf weidersehen. 

473
00:28:25,320 --> 00:28:26,440
Cheers. 

474
00:28:33,880 --> 00:28:36,040
See yaaaaaaa! 

475
00:28:46,560 --> 00:28:49,880
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