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This programme contains adult humour 

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HE GROANS 

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Atten-shun! 

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Hullo, Julie, it isnae Justin Bieber, it's me, Gary, where are you? 

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I told you not to be late and you're late. 

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I'm no waiting. Well, I am waiting, but I'm no waiting. 

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Where are you, seriously? 

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I'm seriously annoyed. 

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Oh, I see you, brilliant. Right, that's great. OK, then. Right, hurry up, hurry up. 

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Gary, Gary, I'm so actually, actually, actually, actually sorry, honestly. 

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I thought I had a watch on, but I didnae. I thought I'd see enough clocks to know what time it was, 

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but I've no seen a clock for ages. 

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- I've been ringing your phone. 
- Have you? Aw, naw. 

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I had it on silent to save the battery. I'm sorry. 

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What? 21 missed calls. Ooh, somebody's popular. 

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No, they're no. Come on. 

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The Hallowe'en party's tonight and I've no got an outfit. 

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But, Gary, you're lucky. 

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Cos even if they run out, you can still go as a soldier. 

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Julie, I am a soldier. I don't want to go to a Hallowe'en party 

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dressed as a soldier, that's not even scary. 

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Aw, right. Here, what about a zombie soldier? 

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SHE GROANS 

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SHE LAUGHS 

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Oh, my actual, actual disrespectful, God, I'm sorry. 

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I'm sorry, Gary, that was bad. 

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Bad. Bad, Julie. 

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What's that? 

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THAT is the new dooking trophy for tonight, eh? 

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Last year's trophy was a disgrace. I had to hand it back. 

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It's nice, eh? Shiny. 

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Look, the Gary Smiths. 

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That's us. I should have got it engraved with that for tonight, eh? 

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Cos I think we all ken what's going to happen. 

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Gary, you're so... 

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Amazing? Thanks, Julie. Here we go. 

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I've got perfect 30/30 vision, 

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so if anyone's going to see them, it's me. I mean... 

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Right. Where do they even live, apart from haunted hooses, right. 

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Cos there's not that many haunted hooses, right? 

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And why do they leave cupboard doors open? 

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You know, like, if they can open cupboards, 

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then, can they pick up sandwiches? 

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Can they steal cars? Can they drive? 

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Can they have showers, are they always white? 

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I mean, these are the answers that nae-one can answer. 

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It's no good enough. Is God a ghost? 

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Well, no, he's not, cos he built the Earth, supposedly, 

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so he had to pick up bricks and that but then, nae-one's ever seen him, 

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so he is a bit like a ghost, but then, he had a son, 

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Jesus. But his dad's a ghost. What? 

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And then, there was actually that Holy Ghost called Pal. 

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Was it his brother or uncle? 

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So are they just all ghosts apart frae Jesus? 

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But then, he rose again, like a zombie. 

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So is Jesus real, is he a ghost, is he a zombie? 

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HE SIGHS 

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I mean, religion is that complex, eh? 

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Nae wonder so many wars are caused cos of that. 

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He's a ghost. No, he's not. He's a ghost. No, he's not. He's a ghost. No, he's not. 

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HE SIGHS 

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All I know, ghosts are scary. 

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JULIE CHUCKLES 

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- What?
- I just get proper excitement bubbles in my blood. 

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I actually heart love the Hallowe'en party at the barracks. 

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Aye, but it's all right for you, you've got your outfit. 

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Oh, that isnae right. 

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Don't worry, Gary, you'll get something and you'll look fab. 

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Right enough, Julie, I always do. 

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Remember last year when I was dressed as rubbish. I still looked amazing. 

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Oh, hello, can I be of assistance? 

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I'd certainly like to think that you might be able to probably... 

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Dae I ken you? 

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Oh, here, I don't know. Do you? 

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Is this your shop? 

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Naw. I work here, but it's no my shop. 

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I used to work at another shop. 

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That wasnae mine either. 

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It is you, right. 

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Listen, I am looking for a Peter Andre outfit in a medium... 

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large. Thank you. 

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Peter Andre? 

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Aye, he really scares me. 

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Me too. I think it's the way he looks. 

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Naw, Andre's all sold oot. 

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Aw, what? Nightmare. Radge insania. I knew this was gonnae happen. 

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Right. What else have you got? 

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Just this. 

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Who's that? 

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Have you heard of a programme called But Man? 

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Batman? 

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Aye, the green guy... The one that does the riddles. 

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Oh, aye, I remember him. 

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Remember, he used to say, "Riddle me this," and then, he'd dae a riddle. 

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I could dae it at the party, dae riddles, folk have to guess. It'd be brilliant. 

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Gary, Gary, try a riddle right now. Go on, say it. 

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Em... Aye, OK, all right, right. 

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Riddle me this, what am I? 

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I'm black and white. 

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I moo, I eat grass, 

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my name's Daisy, 

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what am I? 

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No. Gary, give us a clue. 

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A cow. 

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A black and white cow called Daisy. 

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Touche. 

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Oh, actually, one thing, right. 

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Will this be comfortable for dooking? 

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- Cos I'm a bit of a dooker. 
- Oh, aye. 

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You could dook in that wee number till Daisy comes home. 

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Aye? 

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Mooo-arvellous. 

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SHE LAUGHS 

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I'll take it. 

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SHE LAUGHS 

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Riddle me this, who am I? 

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I live in Africa, 

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I have black and white stripes, 

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I look a bit like an interesting horse. 

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Right, hang on... Nah. I'm nae good at riddles, Gary. 

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Is it a cow again? 

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Naw. Close. 

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Eh... OM Gypsy Anne Marie! 

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Julie, you really aren't good at riddles, are you? 

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- It was a zebra.
- No! It's Gypsy Anne Marie. 

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She's an actual fortune-telling legend. 

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This is a sign, Gary, her being there, me being here. 

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She must have known. 

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Julie, you dae ken all that stuff is proper jumbo mumbo? 

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Oh, my big fat gypsy wedding, she just looked out the windae! 

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- Come on!
- Julie, I've got to get back to the barracks. 

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Fanshaw's got his family visiting, I cannae dae this. 

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Oh, please, Gary. Please. Please, please, please, please, please, please. 

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All right. Just stop. 

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I suppose it was a bit creepy the way she looked out the window. 

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Booooooooo. 

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- That scared me. Come on!
- Right. 

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MUSIC: "Thriller" by Michael Jackson 

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A wise choice, young Julie. The tea leaves never lie. 

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Do they not? 

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That's good. 

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Let's see what they have to say. 

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"I'm roasting." 

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Sorry. 

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What? "I'm roasting." That's funny. You cannae say that's not funny. 

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Hiya! 

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Oh, my God, is it bad news? 

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Am I going to get eaten by a shark? 

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- I knew it.
- No, Julie. 

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These leaves speak. 

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- But not for you.
- Oh... 

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Oh, for me? Oh, brilliant. 

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What they saying? 

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Well, if it's about the dooking, 

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like us winning it tonight, just save your tea. 

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Cos I predicted that this morning. 

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There are no apples in this cup. 

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Clearly. 

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You must cross my palm with silver to learn your fate. 

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I've no got any silver. 

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She means a fiver. 

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You've already paid her. Tea leaf. 

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Ah... 

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Oh! For the love of...! 

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SHE GASPS 

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Good news? 

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The three omens of doom! 

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Boooooooo! 

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Gary, don't do that! 

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Oh, my actual scary fortune-telling God. The omens of doom. What are they? 

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The first, the swooping figure of a winged beast. 

172
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A winged beast? Aw, no, Gary. 

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An eagle's gonnae swoop doon and pick you up and take you to hell. 

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Naw, it's no. It's really no. 

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But wait, the leaves turn blood red. 

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Ah, the second omen. 

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The devil's little helpers. 

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- Oh, that's good, I could do with a hand wi' the shopping.
- He mocks, but he does not understand. 

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The third omen... 

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The charred remains of a lifeless figure. 

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Oh, like a burnt chicken wing. 

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This, the third omen, will seal your fate. 

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Right, what's she on about? Seal the fate? Honestly. 

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Ah! Shhh! 

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This can mean only one thing. 

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The grim reaper himself - death. 

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THUNDER 

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Death? 

189
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Right, Gary, listen. Death can mean loads of things, right, 

190
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like a new start, or a change or... 

191
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No. 

192
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It means death. 

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The leaves have spoken. 

194
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Your fate is sealed! 

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Er, Gypsy Anne Marie, what about me? Am I OK? 

196
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Aye, you're fine. But he's not! 

197
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By the power of the leaves be off! 

198
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Whatevs! 

199
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Gary, Gary! 

200
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Gary, I'm scared for you. You're in such big trouble. 

201
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Just calm down, Julie, it's a load of old... 

202
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No... 

203
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Like the world's biggest no times, no! 

204
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Oh, my actual I-wished-she-was-wrong God, the first omen? 

205
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Gary, the swooping winged beast. It just pooped on you. 

206
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Actually, Julie, that's a sign of good luck. 

207
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Is it? 

208
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Aye. 

209
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Ragin'! Come on. 

210
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All right? 

211
00:11:31,680 --> 00:11:33,360
Aye, all right. 

212
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I got the trophy for tonight. 

213
00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:38,760
Just as well we're keepin' it here, eh? 

214
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- The Gary Smiths, is that us? 
- Aye. 

215
00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:45,000
You're coming into a successful dookin' team, so you better do well. 

216
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We're gonnae win this tonight, I know it. 

217
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We'd better or we'll end up embarrassing ourselves like pink ladies. 

218
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D'you get it? 

219
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Got your outfit? 

220
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Eh? Aye, aye, I did. 

221
00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:02,280
Here, I can give you a clue as to what I'm going as? 

222
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Riddle me this... 

223
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The Riddler. Batman. 

224
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Every time. 

225
00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:10,720
Right, Mickey, my boy, practice makes perfect. 

226
00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:12,440
No pressure. 

227
00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:19,440
Three, two, one, dook. 

228
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HE GAGS 

229
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Swallowed too much water. 

230
00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:28,040
Try and avoid doing that, then. 

231
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Ya, fanny. 

232
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Gaz, show him how it's done. 

233
00:12:31,640 --> 00:12:33,280
Here, Gaz. 

234
00:12:33,280 --> 00:12:35,520
Ah! What you daein? 

235
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I'm chucking you an apple. What is up with you? 

236
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Nothing. 

237
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- Are you sure? 
- Lads, can I ask you something? 

238
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Do youse believe in gypsies? 

239
00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:49,440
Well, I believe in them cos they exist. 

240
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How? 

241
00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:54,360
Me and Julie went to see like a fortune-teller gypsy, right, earlier. 

242
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She talked to me about this winged beast, right, 

243
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and then, I left her wee hut and I got shat on by a bird. 

244
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THEY LAUGH 

245
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I bird shat on you, that's a belter! 

246
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THEY LAUGH 

247
00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:09,600
I suppose it is quite funny in a kind of, 

248
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"Oh, this isnae funny, I'm raging," type way. 

249
00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:15,840
But then, she said some other stuff as well. 

250
00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:18,400
Gary, there is literally no empirical evidence 

251
00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:20,640
to support the claims of fortune tellers. 

252
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Aye, but she started going on about these, like, omens of doom, right? 

253
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And that's the first omen, the winged beast. 

254
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The next omen is the devil's little helpers. 

255
00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:32,000
- Shit!
- What?! 

256
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:34,320
- The time! 
- It's almost two. 

257
00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:35,840
Fanshaw! 

258
00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:39,240
Oh, right, aye, I'll catch youse up. 

259
00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:43,040
At all times I expect you to be a credit to her Majesty's... 

260
00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:45,040
McLintoch, what time do you call this? 

261
00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:47,360
14:00 hours, please, Sarge, yes, thank you. 

262
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:49,640
Oh, do you need that fixed? 

263
00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:51,960
Any more of that and you'll be needing fixed. 

264
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:54,840
OK, the Captain and his guests will be here shortly. 

265
00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:56,920
He has a meeting so, for the next hour, 

266
00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:59,440
you will be keeping his guests entertained. 

267
00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:04,040
Sarge, maybe I could do some riddles like, "Riddle me this, who am I?" 

268
00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:06,600
An incompetent dunderhead. 

269
00:14:06,600 --> 00:14:09,360
LAUGHTER 

270
00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:15,960
Er... Chaps, my...nieces. 

271
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:17,440
Bit excitable. 

272
00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:20,720
Too much Hallowe'en candy. 

273
00:14:22,360 --> 00:14:23,640
Sergeant? 

274
00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:25,360
Yes, sir. 

275
00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:29,520
I believe this is Regan, Carrie and Wednesday. 

276
00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:30,840
Say hello, girls. 

277
00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:35,840
OK, so ... 

278
00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:39,880
Girls, see you in er... an hour, er... 

279
00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:43,080
Er... Good luck, chaps. 

280
00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:47,880
Freaky wee lassies, eh? 

281
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:51,400
Devil's little helpers. 

282
00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:57,400
- It's the second omen. 
- I'm worried about you. 

283
00:14:57,400 --> 00:14:58,720
So am I. 

284
00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:05,560
Managed to get some pig's blood from the butcher's 

285
00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:07,120
for my face for tonight. 

286
00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:09,960
What? 

287
00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:13,000
For my Rambo outfit. Covered in blood. 

288
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:15,000
I'm gonnae look the business. 

289
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:17,680
Here, all the blood in the water when we're dookin'. 

290
00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:19,640
Brilliant. 

291
00:15:19,640 --> 00:15:22,320
Aye, aye. 

292
00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:24,960
Right. 

293
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:28,360
You are no really gettin' freaked out by some gypsy and those wee lassies? 

294
00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:30,640
Naw. Course no. 

295
00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:33,280
I was just thinkin' about the dookin' tonight, you know, like, 

296
00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:35,520
lifting the trophy, "And the winners of dookin' 

297
00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:38,360
- "for the second year in a row are..." 
- The Gary Smiths! 

298
00:15:38,360 --> 00:15:40,360
The Gary Smiths! And the crowd go mental. 

299
00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:43,760
50,000 of them. Gary! 

300
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:48,280
Hiya. 

301
00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:50,360
Can we go on the assault course? 

302
00:15:50,360 --> 00:15:53,360
No. Cos you never said please. 

303
00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:57,120
Can we go on the assault course, please? 

304
00:15:57,120 --> 00:15:59,880
No. Cos you never said please the first time. 

305
00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:03,480
Now, you go and just play with the girls. 

306
00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:05,160
You'll regret that. 

307
00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:09,680
HE CHUCKLES 

308
00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:12,240
She is a freaky wee lassie. 

309
00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:13,600
I'm scared of her. 

310
00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:14,760
Are you? 

311
00:16:14,760 --> 00:16:15,960
Shit! 

312
00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:20,360
That's your fault! Haw, Muppets! Come on! 

313
00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:27,520
MUSIC: "Cognoscenti vs Intelligentsia" by the Cuban Boys 

314
00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:47,240
Jacko! 

315
00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:48,720
HE ECHOES: Jacko... 

316
00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:52,280
Charlie! Charlie... 

317
00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:55,560
Mickey! Mickey... 

318
00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:00,200
Girls? 

319
00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:01,400
Regan? 

320
00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:04,040
Carrie? 

321
00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:06,960
Wednesday? 

322
00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:10,960
Thursday? 

323
00:17:22,160 --> 00:17:24,200
LAUGHTER 

324
00:17:28,680 --> 00:17:30,320
BRANCH CREAKS 

325
00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:31,640
LAUGHTER 

326
00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:34,880
Oh, my Gary! 

327
00:17:34,880 --> 00:17:37,160
LAUGHTER 

328
00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:46,400
Come here, girls! 

329
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:48,160
I've got sweeties! 

330
00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:51,240
Naw, that doesnae sound right. 

331
00:17:53,920 --> 00:18:00,120
So, on the barracks, girls, I'm quite famous for my difficult riddles. 

332
00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:02,000
Who's up for trying one? 

333
00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:04,400
LAUGHTER 

334
00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:10,120
All right. Riddle me this. 

335
00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:11,760
Who am I? 

336
00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:16,680
I'm big and I'm strong and I'm no scared. 

337
00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:22,880
And I'm a Corporal, and it starts with G and ends in Y, 

338
00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:24,960
and there's an AR in the middle. 

339
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:28,160
Go on, Gary. Go on, Gary, solve it. I'll solve it! 

340
00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:29,560
I'm Gary! 

341
00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:33,400
LAUGHTER 

342
00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:46,240
Sto-o-o-o-o-o-o-op! 

343
00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:50,200
Gary? 

344
00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:02,720
It's the charred remains of a burnt tree. 

345
00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:04,840
It's the third omen. 

346
00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:08,000
My fate is sealed. 

347
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:09,760
Are you coming or are you freakin' out? 

348
00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:11,520
Do I look like I'm freakin' out? 

349
00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:14,200
Naw(!) 

350
00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:16,400
Good! 

351
00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:18,360
Let's go, then. 

352
00:19:18,360 --> 00:19:20,800
All right, girls, let's go. 

353
00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:37,600
There youse are. You takin' them to Fanshaw? 

354
00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:39,040
No. You are. 

355
00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:41,400
We had a vote, and the girls voted you their favourite. 

356
00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:43,040
And where are youse going? 

357
00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:46,560
Let's just say we're off to see a woman about the gypsy she is. 

358
00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:49,720
Shall I dae one? 

359
00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:51,240
Right, right, all right. 

360
00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:53,000
Em... 

361
00:19:56,920 --> 00:20:01,480
I've been left home alone. 

362
00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:07,640
I'm an American wee laddie with two second names. 

363
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:11,440
My surname rhymes with sulking. 

364
00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:29,280
Where is she? Where is she? 

365
00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:32,320
- Where is she?!
- I dinnae see her, what does she look like? 

366
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:33,880
She looks like a gypsy. 

367
00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:37,720
Aw, this is brilliant, I'm gonnae die and never even patted a monkey. 

368
00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:40,080
Gary, you've been a victim of a seagull's defecation, 

369
00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:44,560
you've been unsettled by some young girls and you've seen a tree. This doesn't mean you're gonnae die. 

370
00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:47,280
And when did you become the expert, eh? Where's your mug of tea? 

371
00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:49,600
Naw, I need to find her. 

372
00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:52,600
Mate, mate, mate, 

373
00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:54,440
mate, mate, mate, mate, have you been here all day? 

374
00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:55,680
Aye, since 12. 

375
00:20:55,680 --> 00:20:59,280
See these bloody teenagers, the mess they're making. 

376
00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:02,480
Any chance you boys can come down here and shoot them? 

377
00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:05,040
Maybe tomorrow. Listen, I'm lookin' for a gypsy, right. 

378
00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:08,320
There was a gypsy caravan parked here all day, right. Did you see it? 

379
00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:12,000
No. Gypsy caravan? No here, son. 

380
00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:15,320
No today. I think you should stay off the glue. 

381
00:21:17,600 --> 00:21:19,800
Aw, this is brilliant. 

382
00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:22,920
I've lost my mind and I cannae find it. 

383
00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:26,360
I think we just need to get you back to the barracks. Sharpish. 

384
00:21:26,360 --> 00:21:28,240
If he's lost his mind, can I drive? 

385
00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:35,920
I havnae been made to feel very welcome. 

386
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:37,240
Eh... 

387
00:21:37,240 --> 00:21:40,120
The food was pretty average. 

388
00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:42,640
It did get off to a bit of a shaky start, but, as times went on, 

389
00:21:42,640 --> 00:21:44,960
I've realised that there's a lot of potential. 

390
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:46,760
It's shit. 

391
00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:50,560
Look at the place. It's in a bit of a...a bit of a state, eh? 

392
00:21:50,560 --> 00:21:51,920
It's really shit. 

393
00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:54,320
I really enjoyed the desert. 

394
00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:56,320
- Charlie...
- What?! 

395
00:21:56,320 --> 00:21:59,520
If it wasnae for the weather, I'd have actually marked it a lot lower. 

396
00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:02,480
Sorry, Afghanistan, I'm gonnae have to give you a six. 

397
00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:06,120
Afghanistan, I'm giving you an 8.5. 

398
00:22:06,120 --> 00:22:07,760
It's shite. 

399
00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:13,000
MUSIC PLAYS 

400
00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:27,680
Gary! 

401
00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:30,880
Gary, oh, my actual death-defying God, you're here. 

402
00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:33,920
Aye, of course, Julie. As if I was gonnae miss this, eh? 

403
00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:37,520
But Gary, are you no worried about the things the gypsy said about you dying 

404
00:22:37,520 --> 00:22:42,160
- and how it's definitely gonnae happen?
- No. Not once have I been, like, worried oot my mind. 

405
00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:44,400
That's a relief you're no worried about death, Gary. 

406
00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:47,480
Cos most people would be worried about death, you know, it being pure... 

407
00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:50,720
SHE GAGS 

408
00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:53,600
Julie, will you stop doing that? Nothing is gonnae happen to Gary, 

409
00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:56,400
apart from helping to win the dookin' tonight by a country dook. 

410
00:22:56,400 --> 00:22:57,720
I think you're really brave. 

411
00:22:57,720 --> 00:22:59,000
Thanks, Julie. 

412
00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:02,240
Right...let's do this. 

413
00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:03,360
Let's dook. 

414
00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:09,800
ALL: Dook, dook, dook! 

415
00:23:09,800 --> 00:23:10,920
Time! 

416
00:23:10,920 --> 00:23:14,560
Thank you, team Big Cox's Pippins. 

417
00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:17,880
Next up, The Gary Smiths. 

418
00:23:17,880 --> 00:23:19,240
Right. Come on, lads. 

419
00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:21,720
This is gonnae be a piece of apple. 

420
00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:25,960
Just stay focused. Mickey, one apple at a time. 

421
00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:27,800
Charlie, go for the smaller apples. 

422
00:23:27,800 --> 00:23:31,640
Gary, just play your natural game. 

423
00:23:31,640 --> 00:23:34,200
Positions. 

424
00:23:34,200 --> 00:23:35,360
Ready... 

425
00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:46,760
..steady... 

426
00:23:55,880 --> 00:23:58,160
..dook! 

427
00:23:58,160 --> 00:24:00,480
CHEERING 

428
00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:03,560
ALL: Dook, dook, dook! 

429
00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:06,320
Ah, look, they're really going for it. Dook 'em! 

430
00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:08,880
Right, lads, move it. That's it, Millar. 

431
00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:10,680
Kill, kill with your teeth! 

432
00:24:10,680 --> 00:24:12,520
McLintoch, what the hell are you doing? 

433
00:24:12,520 --> 00:24:14,040
He's tryin' to eat them. 

434
00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:15,440
Snap, snap! 

435
00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:16,800
SHE SCREAMS 

436
00:24:16,800 --> 00:24:19,680
Oh, sorry, I'm just really scared of sharks. 

437
00:24:19,680 --> 00:24:23,360
Don't worry, my er...bark is much worse than my er, er... Sergeant? 

438
00:24:23,360 --> 00:24:24,560
Quite, sir. 

439
00:24:24,560 --> 00:24:25,800
Time! 

440
00:24:27,720 --> 00:24:29,160
Gary, time! 

441
00:24:29,160 --> 00:24:31,160
McLintoch, on your feet, soldier. 

442
00:24:31,160 --> 00:24:32,800
- He's not moving!
- Sarge. 

443
00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:37,520
Get his massive head out of that bucket. Now! 

444
00:24:38,960 --> 00:24:42,840
Oh, no! No! Oh, my God, she said. She said! 

445
00:24:42,840 --> 00:24:46,520
Oh, my, actually, he's with God, God, Gypsy Anne Marie was right. 

446
00:24:46,520 --> 00:24:47,640
Gary! 

447
00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:49,560
He's no breathing. 

448
00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:50,960
Er, er...Sergeant? 

449
00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:53,280
McLintoch, snap out of this! 

450
00:24:53,280 --> 00:24:54,440
He needs CPR! 

451
00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:56,040
Shut it, Nurse Ratchett. 

452
00:24:58,440 --> 00:25:01,480
Do not die on me, you dookin' idiot! 

453
00:25:01,480 --> 00:25:05,240
Not...this...way! 

454
00:25:16,840 --> 00:25:18,840
HE GASPS 

455
00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:21,120
Dookin'! 

456
00:25:21,120 --> 00:25:24,440
Honestly, there was this bright light, 

457
00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:27,320
and this voice started to speak to me. 

458
00:25:27,320 --> 00:25:28,600
What did it say? 

459
00:25:28,600 --> 00:25:31,960
It said, "Gary, 

460
00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:34,680
"stay away from the light." 

461
00:25:34,680 --> 00:25:37,560
- God's frae Dalgety Bay?
- Aye. 

462
00:25:37,560 --> 00:25:40,720
God's frae Dalgety Bay. How weird's that, eh? 

463
00:25:40,720 --> 00:25:44,680
- So what happened wi' the dookin'? 
- I think you going to heaven's somewhat reduced our chances. 

464
00:25:44,680 --> 00:25:47,000
Aye, well, sorry for dyin' and risin' again. 

465
00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:49,480
You dooked one apple which is good, considering. 

466
00:25:49,480 --> 00:25:51,000
Thanks, Julie. 

467
00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:55,600
Chaps, recommend the er...gypsy girl, bit of a hoot. 

468
00:25:55,600 --> 00:26:00,080
Said something nice is going to happen in the, er... 

469
00:26:01,320 --> 00:26:03,000
So the gypsy is actually here. 

470
00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:04,400
Gary? 

471
00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:19,280
'Member me? 

472
00:26:19,280 --> 00:26:20,480
Should I? 

473
00:26:20,480 --> 00:26:23,520
Aye, me. Gary, I seen you in town. 

474
00:26:23,520 --> 00:26:26,240
'Member the three omens of doom, ken? 

475
00:26:26,240 --> 00:26:29,400
Like, the winged beast and the devil's little helpers... 

476
00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:31,280
The charred remains of a lifeless figure? 

477
00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:32,480
Aye! 

478
00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:33,520
I remember. 

479
00:26:33,520 --> 00:26:36,760
Your stupid sarky remarks were gettin' right on my leaves, 

480
00:26:36,760 --> 00:26:38,760
so I thought I'd wind you up a bit. 

481
00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:41,480
Wind me up? I almost wound up deid. 

482
00:26:41,480 --> 00:26:42,760
Aye, but you never. 

483
00:26:42,760 --> 00:26:47,560
Look, I just need to ken nothing else is going to happen. 

484
00:26:47,560 --> 00:26:50,320
Of course. Silver... 

485
00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:53,040
All right. 

486
00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:57,760
The leaves say that you will live a long and prosperous life. 

487
00:26:57,760 --> 00:26:59,840
And everything you do will have luck. 

488
00:26:59,840 --> 00:27:01,760
Nae more death? 

489
00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:04,720
Not for a while. A long while. 

490
00:27:06,400 --> 00:27:08,440
Brilliant. I knew it. 

491
00:27:08,440 --> 00:27:11,000
I'm gonnae live to be the oldest man in the world. 

492
00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:12,360
Good for you. 

493
00:27:12,360 --> 00:27:16,560
Aye! And live long yourself and...prosper. 

494
00:27:16,560 --> 00:27:18,040
See ya. 

495
00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:23,840
Gary, did she say a nice? 

496
00:27:23,840 --> 00:27:26,720
Aye, Julie, she said a nice. 

497
00:27:26,720 --> 00:27:28,440
Listen up! 

498
00:27:28,440 --> 00:27:30,040
Here we go. 

499
00:27:30,040 --> 00:27:32,720
Er, yeah. Er...so, the dooking. 

500
00:27:32,720 --> 00:27:36,280
Er...now, in third...eh, Sergeant? 

501
00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:41,080
In third place, with 32 apples, it's Gordons Delicious. 

502
00:27:41,080 --> 00:27:42,560
APPLAUSE 

503
00:27:42,560 --> 00:27:47,880
In second place, with 34 apples, it's Ray Burns Braeburns. 

504
00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:49,720
APPLAUSE 

505
00:27:49,720 --> 00:27:55,640
And in first place, it's Gary Smiths with 35 apples. 

506
00:27:55,640 --> 00:27:57,640
ALL: Ya-a-a-a-a-a-a-as! 

507
00:27:57,640 --> 00:27:59,400
APPLAUSE 

508
00:27:59,400 --> 00:28:02,760
ALL: Whoa! Whoa! 

509
00:28:02,760 --> 00:28:05,640
- Close, though, just one in it. 
- Aye, just one. 

510
00:28:05,640 --> 00:28:09,040
Just my... It was... I got, it was was my one! 

511
00:28:09,040 --> 00:28:10,440
It's me... I won it! 

512
00:28:10,440 --> 00:28:12,200
Speech, speech, speech, speech! 

513
00:28:12,200 --> 00:28:14,400
Speech, speech, speech! 

514
00:28:14,400 --> 00:28:16,480
Ah, thank you. 

515
00:28:16,480 --> 00:28:19,640
Erm, thanks very much er... 

516
00:28:19,640 --> 00:28:22,400
I just want to say... 

517
00:28:22,400 --> 00:28:25,000
Thank you, Gary. 

518
00:28:25,000 --> 00:28:29,520
Oh, you're welcome, Gary. It's yours, Gary. 

519
00:28:29,520 --> 00:28:31,320
The Gary Smiths! 

520
00:28:31,320 --> 00:28:34,760
ALL: Ye-e-e-e-e-e-es! 

521
00:29:00,160 --> 00:29:03,360
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