1 00:00:41,940 --> 00:00:45,580 Hello. It's Caroline Todd again. It's now 7:09am. 2 00:00:45,700 --> 00:00:49,740 That's 8½ hours since you claimed you were on your way home from the Pink Lagoon 3 00:00:49,820 --> 00:00:53,300 and I'd have the keys to my brother's house before midnight. 4 00:00:55,780 --> 00:00:57,820 He said you were an unreliable neighbour, 5 00:00:57,940 --> 00:01:00,580 but the man from number 37 has a big heart and a ladder. 6 00:01:03,140 --> 00:01:07,700 So, as I was saying, the fuel consumption on both models is fairly similar, 7 00:01:07,820 --> 00:01:13,980 but the variable valve timing on the XK8 really helps acceleration at low speeds. 8 00:01:14,140 --> 00:01:16,860 Gives you that extra bit of wallop. 9 00:01:17,020 --> 00:01:21,620 In terms of litres, you can really do what you want - 3.8, 3.9, it's your call. 10 00:01:21,740 --> 00:01:23,780 Yeah, yeah, yeah, but... 11 00:01:23,940 --> 00:01:26,180 which one's gonna make me look young? 12 00:01:26,300 --> 00:01:29,700 Well, neither. They are both just cars. 13 00:01:35,340 --> 00:01:39,460 I am starting a new job at 8:30 in a hospital. 14 00:01:39,580 --> 00:01:42,340 I am dirty and exhausted. 15 00:01:42,460 --> 00:01:47,540 People will possibly die as a result, and you will be responsible. 16 00:01:48,580 --> 00:01:51,660 You know I could damage you quite badly for wasting my time? 17 00:01:51,780 --> 00:01:53,740 Yeah. 18 00:01:57,180 --> 00:02:01,340 Listen, thanks, anyway. It was really kind of you for trying. 19 00:02:01,460 --> 00:02:04,180 And you'll be paying for a locksmith. All right? 20 00:02:08,860 --> 00:02:11,740 Oh! Oh! Erm... sorry. 21 00:02:11,860 --> 00:02:15,780 Don't try and move your neck. You'll be fine, I'm a doctor. 22 00:02:19,580 --> 00:02:21,700 Uh-uh-uh! I said don't move. 23 00:02:21,820 --> 00:02:26,180 I don't know if you ever go to the Winners Gym, but I'm there most Thursdays after six. 24 00:02:26,300 --> 00:02:27,700 Right. 25 00:02:36,460 --> 00:02:38,420 Morning. 26 00:02:39,460 --> 00:02:42,820 - What happened... - Don't say anything. 27 00:02:43,660 --> 00:02:45,620 I got sperm in my eye. 28 00:03:01,540 --> 00:03:03,300 Time to be off. 29 00:03:27,500 --> 00:03:31,180 Get out of my way, you great big piece of white shit! 30 00:03:31,620 --> 00:03:34,820 I'm sorry, you can't. We've gone over this many, many times. 31 00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:39,580 - You cannot go through. - Open the barrier. 32 00:03:48,700 --> 00:03:51,860 Can you raise the barrier? This is my first day... 33 00:03:51,980 --> 00:03:53,140 I'm sorry. 34 00:03:56,900 --> 00:03:59,140 Sorry to hear about your shower breaking. 35 00:03:59,260 --> 00:04:02,140 Maybe you'd like me to come and test it sometime. 36 00:04:02,260 --> 00:04:05,300 - I didn't know you could plumb. - Yes. 37 00:04:06,780 --> 00:04:09,300 I know what you're doing, Rachel. 38 00:04:18,220 --> 00:04:20,220 - Good morning. - Hello. 39 00:04:20,340 --> 00:04:23,460 - So, new doctor arriving today. - So? 40 00:04:23,580 --> 00:04:25,620 - Worried? - Why? 41 00:04:25,740 --> 00:04:29,820 - Female, apparently. - It was a 50-50 chance. 42 00:04:29,940 --> 00:04:32,140 - She might be very good. - Let's hope so. 43 00:04:32,260 --> 00:04:35,220 She might be stunningly attractive. 44 00:04:35,340 --> 00:04:38,300 She could be tall, incredibly tall, willowy. 45 00:04:38,420 --> 00:04:41,100 She may be intelligent, but humble. 46 00:04:41,220 --> 00:04:44,820 Men, women and small children will fall in love with her instantly. 47 00:04:44,940 --> 00:04:48,820 She might be Latin. Olive skin, husky voice. 48 00:04:48,940 --> 00:04:50,700 That'll be nice for everyone. 49 00:04:50,820 --> 00:04:53,260 Put all these elements together, what have we got? 50 00:04:53,380 --> 00:04:56,540 We've got potentially, today in this hospital, 51 00:04:56,660 --> 00:04:59,380 a very tall, genius, woman-of-the-people, 52 00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:02,540 Überbabe, Latino chick coming to work here. 53 00:05:02,700 --> 00:05:06,580 - Will she be too tall to get through doors? - No. She'll be the perfect height. 54 00:05:06,660 --> 00:05:09,380 Good. Well, that's all tickety-boo by me. 55 00:05:10,820 --> 00:05:12,860 - So, not even a flicker? - No. 56 00:05:13,020 --> 00:05:14,940 - Not even the tiniest bit? - No, no, no. 57 00:05:15,100 --> 00:05:17,860 Cos jealousy is an ugly emotion and only for the weak. 58 00:05:17,980 --> 00:05:20,820 What I want you to do for me, just once - try it. Pretend. 59 00:05:20,940 --> 00:05:24,820 - Why? Because it turns you on? - Yes. Please. For me. 60 00:05:24,940 --> 00:05:29,500 If you see the new bitch, snap off her fingers, burn her hair and pluck out her nipples! 61 00:05:29,620 --> 00:05:31,620 Yes! Fanta... How did you feel? 62 00:05:31,740 --> 00:05:34,060 Dangerous? Liberating, yeah? Orgasmic? 63 00:05:34,180 --> 00:05:36,580 Exhilarating, in a dirty sort of way. 64 00:05:38,740 --> 00:05:40,620 - Are you all right? - Oh, yeah. 65 00:05:40,740 --> 00:05:44,700 There's a new female doctor coming today, so... That's all. 66 00:05:56,340 --> 00:05:59,460 - Do you want to sign Kerry's birthday card? - No, not really. 67 00:05:59,580 --> 00:06:03,860 - Do you want to contribute to the present? - No. Not really. 68 00:06:03,980 --> 00:06:08,740 - Do you want to sign Kerry's birthday card? - Yeah, all right. 69 00:06:08,860 --> 00:06:12,700 - Do you want to contribute to the present? - Who is Kerry? 70 00:06:14,420 --> 00:06:15,700 No. 71 00:06:15,820 --> 00:06:17,580 Kim, Kim, Kimmy, Kim, Kim, Kim. 72 00:06:17,700 --> 00:06:20,620 Wednesday's admissions list, sooner rather than later. 73 00:06:20,740 --> 00:06:23,100 - I'd like an updated meetings diary. - Oh... 74 00:06:23,220 --> 00:06:26,580 Still talking, Kim. Inform me when the new surgical registrar arrives. 75 00:06:26,700 --> 00:06:29,900 I'd like a chicken bhuna for one. Book the car in for wheel alignment. 76 00:06:30,060 --> 00:06:35,700 Can you call the Aztec Centre and tell them it does not reduce puffiness? And coffee, please. 77 00:06:35,820 --> 00:06:39,380 - Have you gone blind? - It's conjunctivitis. 78 00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:43,740 I am so sorry I'm late. The traffic was awful and I left in bags of time as well. 79 00:06:43,860 --> 00:06:49,260 Oh, don't worry. If I had to do a school run, I'd never get to work on time. 80 00:07:05,700 --> 00:07:07,620 Come on, back in the car. Off to school. 81 00:07:07,740 --> 00:07:10,300 Here we come. No time to chase you. 82 00:07:14,060 --> 00:07:15,980 Ouch! 83 00:07:27,540 --> 00:07:30,220 What can I do for you this time, Dr Statham? 84 00:07:30,340 --> 00:07:33,180 - I'd like a new badge, please. - What happened to the old one? 85 00:07:33,300 --> 00:07:37,660 I've still got it. I'm sorry to report it's been vandalised by some bloody bastards! 86 00:07:37,780 --> 00:07:39,740 - In what way? - Rather not talk about it. 87 00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:41,780 If you don't, I can't order you a new one. 88 00:07:41,900 --> 00:07:45,740 And wh-where does it say that in the regulations? 89 00:07:48,580 --> 00:07:50,540 There. 90 00:07:51,500 --> 00:07:52,740 All right. Erm... 91 00:07:52,860 --> 00:07:57,580 Somebody has used a marker pen to make some alterations. 92 00:07:57,700 --> 00:08:02,540 The badge should read "Dr Alan Statham", next line "Consultant Radiologist". 93 00:08:02,660 --> 00:08:06,500 On "consultant", they've blacked out the letters "o-n-s" and "l-t-a". 94 00:08:06,620 --> 00:08:09,580 I see. So that would in fact leave... 95 00:08:11,220 --> 00:08:14,340 ... a C, a U, an N and an... 96 00:08:14,460 --> 00:08:16,540 - Yes, yes, exactly. - Oh, I see. 97 00:08:16,660 --> 00:08:19,580 So your badge now reads: Alan Statham, 98 00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:22,700 - Cun... - Yes. That's what it's been changed to. 99 00:08:22,820 --> 00:08:24,940 - Again? - Yes, again. 100 00:08:25,100 --> 00:08:27,420 Well, all right, I'll see what I can do. 101 00:08:27,540 --> 00:08:30,100 It's gonna take a couple of weeks to order a new one. 102 00:08:30,180 --> 00:08:31,980 What am I going to do in the meantime? 103 00:08:32,180 --> 00:08:36,100 I suggest you black out the bits you don't want. 104 00:08:36,180 --> 00:08:39,020 Well, th-that... Right, I will. 105 00:08:39,180 --> 00:08:41,420 I'd lose the second line rather than the first. 106 00:08:41,580 --> 00:08:44,260 - What? - Just trying to help! 107 00:09:22,340 --> 00:09:23,860 Is that for me? 108 00:09:23,980 --> 00:09:26,300 Thanks very much there. Thank you. 109 00:09:26,420 --> 00:09:28,180 Sweet. 110 00:09:28,300 --> 00:09:30,220 Mmm. 111 00:09:30,340 --> 00:09:32,300 Oh, that's, erm... 112 00:09:34,220 --> 00:09:36,460 That's quite interesting. What is that? 113 00:09:36,580 --> 00:09:39,620 - You don't know? - I found it in my bed. 114 00:09:54,340 --> 00:09:58,540 Would you say you're Asian? It would really help my end-of-year quotas. 115 00:09:58,620 --> 00:10:02,900 It's a bit hard to tell in this light, but I think we might get away with it. 116 00:10:03,060 --> 00:10:05,060 Come on, come on, come on. 117 00:10:05,180 --> 00:10:08,380 Staff Liaison ought to be here to sort out your bits and bobs. 118 00:10:08,500 --> 00:10:12,780 Talking of bits and bobs, I do have a bit of an accommodation problem... 119 00:10:12,900 --> 00:10:17,380 A curious smell. Sort of, erm, toiletty. 120 00:10:18,700 --> 00:10:22,460 - Have you been to a festival? - I had to spend the night in my car, so... 121 00:10:22,580 --> 00:10:24,540 Ah, walk and talk. 122 00:10:28,140 --> 00:10:30,660 This is the same gall bladder, 123 00:10:30,780 --> 00:10:34,420 and here we can see the small object has become dislodged 124 00:10:34,540 --> 00:10:37,500 and is now down here. 125 00:10:38,340 --> 00:10:42,780 This is what I like to call the... Mick Jagger effect, 126 00:10:42,900 --> 00:10:47,020 because it is essentially a rolling stone. 127 00:10:47,140 --> 00:10:51,180 - Which is a joke. You may laugh. 128 00:10:51,300 --> 00:10:53,460 You're not laughing, Mr Boyce. 129 00:10:53,580 --> 00:10:55,860 - That's because it wasn't funny. - Yes, it was. 130 00:10:55,980 --> 00:10:56,940 Not really. 131 00:10:57,100 --> 00:11:01,380 - I'll be the judge of that. - You can't be the judge. 132 00:11:01,500 --> 00:11:05,220 You don't find it funny because you know very little about imaging techniques. 133 00:11:05,340 --> 00:11:08,780 When you've had as much experience as I have, you will find it funny. 134 00:11:08,900 --> 00:11:10,860 - I doubt it. - Hm? 135 00:11:13,460 --> 00:11:15,420 Hm? 136 00:11:19,300 --> 00:11:21,420 You can't make me laugh by poking me. 137 00:11:21,580 --> 00:11:23,500 Well, just... 138 00:11:24,700 --> 00:11:26,740 heed me. Hm? 139 00:11:34,420 --> 00:11:35,460 ..and Radiology. 140 00:11:35,580 --> 00:11:40,620 Sorry to interrupt you, I wanted to introduce the new surgical registrar, Doctor Caroline... 141 00:11:40,740 --> 00:11:44,420 - Caroline Todd. - Dr Alan Statham, consultant radiologist. 142 00:11:44,540 --> 00:11:47,060 Welcome to the lunatic asylum. 143 00:11:47,180 --> 00:11:49,620 You don't have to be mad to work here but it helps. 144 00:11:49,740 --> 00:11:54,140 Well, no, come on. Hang on, now. The doctors aren't mad here. 145 00:11:54,260 --> 00:11:58,100 I mean, that certainly wouldn't be allowed, not at my level. 146 00:11:58,220 --> 00:12:02,420 But we are an equal opportunities employer, so there might be some ancillary workers, 147 00:12:02,540 --> 00:12:05,740 or even some clerical staff, who might be considered a bit... 148 00:12:05,860 --> 00:12:07,860 Dear God! We'll have to be moving along. 149 00:12:07,980 --> 00:12:10,500 So sorry to have disturbed... you! 150 00:12:13,820 --> 00:12:16,700 - I'm like a loaded catapult. - I can't talk right now. 151 00:12:29,340 --> 00:12:33,060 Have you seen them? The juniors, the students, Martin, Boyce, all of them? 152 00:12:33,180 --> 00:12:35,860 - Yeah, what about them? - Well, a new woman turns up. 153 00:12:35,980 --> 00:12:40,740 A frankly pretty ordinary woman, and they're all like bees round a honeypot. 154 00:12:40,860 --> 00:12:44,780 - No. No, bees make honey, don't they? - Yeah. So? 155 00:12:44,900 --> 00:12:49,220 Yeah, so why are bees bothering with a pot of honey? Yeah? 156 00:12:49,340 --> 00:12:53,460 Why not stay back at the hive, where there's as much honey as they could have? 157 00:12:53,580 --> 00:12:57,140 Why flap all the way down to the supermarket, or somebody else's house, 158 00:12:57,260 --> 00:13:00,580 or wherever this honeypot is, when there's plenty of honey at home? 159 00:13:00,700 --> 00:13:03,300 - Well, flies round a honeypot. - Flies prefer shit. 160 00:13:03,420 --> 00:13:07,460 Well, wasps. The fact is, it makes men look like a sad, desperate species. 161 00:13:07,580 --> 00:13:12,380 So you probably think that it would be better if everybody was a little bit more like you. 162 00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:14,300 - Well, yeah. - Yeah. Well, no. 163 00:13:14,420 --> 00:13:20,060 Because then, of course, there would be a great surge in lesbianism. 164 00:13:22,780 --> 00:13:25,620 Bet you can't head-butt that sign. 165 00:13:29,380 --> 00:13:32,860 Yeah, well, that was actually quite an easy one. 166 00:13:36,460 --> 00:13:38,420 Nice. 167 00:13:42,740 --> 00:13:47,100 No, no, no, but it is funny. You do see that, don't you? 168 00:13:47,220 --> 00:13:50,060 Well, it makes sense, a rolling stone. 169 00:13:50,180 --> 00:13:53,060 Yes, thank you. I thought I was going mad for a minute. 170 00:13:53,180 --> 00:13:56,380 You see, Dr Macartney, some people do have a sense of humour. 171 00:13:56,500 --> 00:13:59,580 Sorry, I'm with Boycie on this one. Angela was being polite. 172 00:13:59,700 --> 00:14:02,260 Yes, well, who asked you, anyway? 173 00:14:02,380 --> 00:14:04,580 I think you did, about two minutes ago. 174 00:14:04,700 --> 00:14:06,540 Ooh! Erm... 175 00:14:06,660 --> 00:14:08,900 Any news on the other thing? 176 00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:13,220 - What other thing? - Whether moustaches are back in fashion. 177 00:14:13,340 --> 00:14:15,660 No? No news? You'll keep me posted? 178 00:14:15,780 --> 00:14:20,260 I'll let you know when they find a blonde with more than two brain cells to rub together. 179 00:14:20,340 --> 00:14:22,180 Not you. 180 00:14:22,300 --> 00:14:24,540 Or you. Obviously you've got lots. Well done. 181 00:14:24,660 --> 00:14:27,700 But you, Dr Macartney, are about as intelligent 182 00:14:27,820 --> 00:14:33,900 as a gracilis myocutaneous flap on a perineal hernia repair. 183 00:14:35,980 --> 00:14:37,980 - Banter. - Sorry, sorry. 184 00:14:38,820 --> 00:14:42,700 Was that a comeback? I didn't hear it, I was about 20 yards down the corridor, 185 00:14:42,780 --> 00:14:46,700 but Emma said something about you were talking to a lightbox? 186 00:14:46,820 --> 00:14:49,860 - Shall I report that earring? - If I can report the moustache. 187 00:14:49,980 --> 00:14:52,580 Most women find male body-piercing repugnant. 188 00:14:52,700 --> 00:14:55,020 I, thankfully, am completely intact. 189 00:14:55,140 --> 00:14:57,380 Even I draw the line at piercing arseholes. 190 00:14:57,500 --> 00:14:59,460 Exactly. 191 00:15:00,260 --> 00:15:02,220 Ju... 192 00:15:03,500 --> 00:15:05,820 - Banter? - Yes. 193 00:15:27,940 --> 00:15:30,380 When you're ready, Martin. 194 00:15:30,500 --> 00:15:32,460 Well, erm... 195 00:15:34,740 --> 00:15:37,020 the patients don't like me. 196 00:15:38,060 --> 00:15:40,460 Really? Anything else? 197 00:15:41,740 --> 00:15:43,700 - No. - Good. 198 00:15:43,860 --> 00:15:48,060 Well, don't hesitate to pop in again if there are any other worries. 199 00:15:48,220 --> 00:15:50,180 What, is that it? 200 00:15:54,700 --> 00:15:57,540 - Will you go out with me? - No. Get out. 201 00:16:06,900 --> 00:16:09,900 Oh, I love the smell of formaldehyde. 202 00:16:11,340 --> 00:16:13,980 I must say, you're not as young as I thought you'd be. 203 00:16:14,100 --> 00:16:18,620 Oh, my sainted lord in heaven, what is this bollocks? 204 00:16:18,740 --> 00:16:20,700 Val two. 205 00:16:21,900 --> 00:16:25,300 I thought I said no more fucking rainbows! 206 00:16:25,420 --> 00:16:30,380 Yeah, over my rotting cadaver. I'd rather stick pins in my eyes. Can you deal with it? 207 00:16:36,660 --> 00:16:38,180 Sit! 208 00:16:39,300 --> 00:16:43,660 - Walkie-talkies aren't allowed in hospitals. - It's a talking pager. 209 00:16:43,780 --> 00:16:47,740 It's a walkie-talkie. They're dangerous. They could interfere with vital equipment. 210 00:16:47,900 --> 00:16:50,980 Dangerous? And I suppose a flood, or a patient on fire, 211 00:16:51,100 --> 00:16:54,260 or an outbreak of AIDS isn't dangerous, hm? 212 00:17:02,540 --> 00:17:05,780 Just seeing how you deal with stress. 213 00:17:08,580 --> 00:17:11,860 Yeah. Give him some Calpol. 214 00:17:11,980 --> 00:17:14,060 Calpol. 215 00:17:14,220 --> 00:17:17,740 Yeah, it's in the cupboard next to the Bob the Builder pasta. 216 00:17:17,860 --> 00:17:18,900 OK. 217 00:17:19,020 --> 00:17:21,340 Paola, put him on to me. 218 00:17:21,460 --> 00:17:23,420 Hello, little man. 219 00:17:23,540 --> 00:17:26,820 Hello! Have you got a hurty tummy? Have you? 220 00:17:26,940 --> 00:17:30,220 Where does it hurt? Oh, poor little poops... 221 00:17:30,340 --> 00:17:32,900 Na-na na na-na! Me-me-me-me-me-me. 222 00:17:33,020 --> 00:17:34,980 Oh, just grow up! 223 00:17:45,740 --> 00:17:47,500 Paola? 224 00:17:47,580 --> 00:17:50,220 Can you send someone to fix the printer? 225 00:17:50,340 --> 00:17:53,020 It's jammed. 226 00:17:53,140 --> 00:17:55,940 It is quite urgent. 227 00:17:56,060 --> 00:17:58,700 Yeah. Thanks. 228 00:17:58,820 --> 00:18:00,780 Bye. 229 00:18:03,660 --> 00:18:04,660 Ow. 230 00:18:11,220 --> 00:18:13,700 Is this right for, erm... ID tags? 231 00:18:13,860 --> 00:18:17,460 Oh, one sec. I'll do it myself. Security always chops heads off. 232 00:18:17,580 --> 00:18:20,100 Any chance you brought a photo? 233 00:18:20,260 --> 00:18:24,580 - Er, no. Should I have? - No, no. No problem. I can work with this. 234 00:18:24,660 --> 00:18:29,260 Just pop yourself up against the white wall for me, would you? 235 00:18:30,940 --> 00:18:33,740 Gosh! Aren't we a pale Janet? 236 00:18:37,100 --> 00:18:39,060 And smile. 237 00:18:39,740 --> 00:18:41,660 Wait. No, wait. No, sorry. 238 00:18:41,780 --> 00:18:44,340 I haven't got the right face on. 239 00:18:54,780 --> 00:18:57,500 No, wait. Hold on. Erm, sorry... Er... 240 00:18:58,020 --> 00:19:00,340 Can we do a kind of three-quarter profile? 241 00:19:00,460 --> 00:19:04,500 My hair's not really enjoying a full-frontal approach. 242 00:19:06,100 --> 00:19:08,100 Three, two, one. 243 00:19:09,940 --> 00:19:12,100 I think that's a winner. 244 00:19:12,780 --> 00:19:15,860 - I bet you can't eat the coffee. - Why should I want to eat it? 245 00:19:15,980 --> 00:19:17,380 - Eat the coffee! - No! 246 00:19:17,500 --> 00:19:19,100 - You can't. - I probably could. 247 00:19:19,260 --> 00:19:21,020 - So eat it. - No. You eat the coffee. 248 00:19:21,220 --> 00:19:23,100 - All right, I'll eat it. - Go on, then. 249 00:19:23,260 --> 00:19:24,860 - I will. - Go on, eat the coffee. 250 00:19:24,980 --> 00:19:28,760 - All right. I'm going to eat the coffee. - Let's see you, then. 251 00:19:29,040 --> 00:19:31,400 Jesus! 252 00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:33,760 - I'm eating the coffee. - You are, aren't you? 253 00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:36,520 - Mm, I'm eating the coffee. - You are eating the coffee. 254 00:19:36,680 --> 00:19:38,720 - You ate the expensive coffee. - I have. 255 00:19:38,840 --> 00:19:40,560 Yeah, well done. 256 00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:43,800 - Do you know what all of that means? - Uh-uh. 257 00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:46,800 That means that you won. 258 00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:54,800 Hmm... Ugh! 259 00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:59,680 I mean, I look like a moose in that one. 260 00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:02,960 So, I mean... Well, that's a security risk. 261 00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:05,440 Do you think we could just have one more go? 262 00:20:14,040 --> 00:20:16,000 Right. Tea. 263 00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:26,800 Tea is horrible. 264 00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:31,160 Please, please, please. 265 00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:34,440 Well, I may not be in the mood tonight. 266 00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:38,080 Perhaps if your girlfriend hadn't cocked up the mural. 267 00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:40,960 But I'm a firework. I'm primed and ready to go off. 268 00:20:41,080 --> 00:20:46,960 Then I shall retire to a safe distance and possibly wear protective clothing. 269 00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:51,680 I'm not wearing any pants... So there it is, when... 270 00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:55,040 No! Thank you, sir. Yes. Goodbye to you. 271 00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:11,560 It's 41 feet of freedom. I guarantee it will change your life. 272 00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:13,760 It gives you the chance to breathe. 273 00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:15,840 It's moored on the Hamble. 274 00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:18,080 I get travel-sick. Sorry. 275 00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:22,800 - Ugly. - What? She was gorgeous. 276 00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:25,320 Ugly. Deep down inside, ugly. 277 00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:28,480 I've never really even touched anyone that attractive. 278 00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:32,120 - I don't mind you touching my arm. - It's not quite the same, is it? 279 00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:34,200 Ohh! Path Lab alert! 280 00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,400 Rachel, where's the handout for the meeting? 281 00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:43,720 - I haven't photocopied it yet. - Why not? 282 00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:48,320 Oliver's using the photocopier. He's doing 500 fliers for some party he's organised. 283 00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:51,160 He's using office equipment for his own personal use? 284 00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:52,880 Yeah. 285 00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:54,960 Go and kick him. 286 00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:05,560 OK, I'll pretend I'm a woman and you come up to me, give me your best line. 287 00:22:05,760 --> 00:22:07,680 Right, OK. Best line. 288 00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:10,280 - Hi, what's your name? - Rubbish! 289 00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:12,560 Right. No. More adventurous. Right. 290 00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:16,400 - Do you... do you like swimming? - Pathetic. Get over there. 291 00:22:16,520 --> 00:22:21,000 Look, two things women want, OK? Money and protection. 292 00:22:21,120 --> 00:22:25,320 - I've got a helmet and a credit card, so... - Right. Why don't you shut up for a second? 293 00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:28,480 You be the woman and I'm... OK, ready? 294 00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:31,800 Yeah, I'll see you in Zurich. 295 00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:37,920 I've seen you and I'm so astonished by your beauty, I can't speak. Try it. 296 00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:40,440 - Why Zurich? - Because it sounds jet-setty. 297 00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:43,360 Because I've actually been to Katwijk. It's in Holland. 298 00:22:43,480 --> 00:22:45,440 Get on with it. 299 00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:49,480 Yeah, hello, Mum. I'm in Zurich... 300 00:22:49,680 --> 00:22:51,560 You're not in Zurich. 301 00:22:56,920 --> 00:23:00,400 - What... what is that? - I'm looking. You're beautiful. 302 00:23:00,520 --> 00:23:05,080 - You've caught me. - I caught that you've got a coated tongue. 303 00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:08,160 - What are you doing now? - I'm just trying some looks. 304 00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:13,840 Well, that's a look. You look like you've had your head beaten against a rock 15 times. 305 00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:19,000 - Now, please. - What? 306 00:23:19,120 --> 00:23:21,480 Kick him, kick him, kick him. 307 00:23:32,240 --> 00:23:33,360 Argh! 308 00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:37,640 Fuck! That really hurt! What did you do that for? 309 00:23:37,760 --> 00:23:41,200 - Joanna told me to. Sorry. - It's all right. 310 00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:43,680 I guess you're just following orders. Erm... 311 00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:48,920 I just... erm... wondered if you'd like to come out for a drink with me sometime? 312 00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:51,800 Erm... OK. 313 00:23:51,920 --> 00:23:54,880 Oh! And just so you know, I always fuck on the first date. 314 00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:56,800 OK. 315 00:24:04,160 --> 00:24:08,440 You're a doctor, for God's sake! You don't have to be good-looking or charismatic. 316 00:24:08,560 --> 00:24:11,520 - Women love it, especially foreign girls. - Foreign ladies. 317 00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:16,000 Especially Eastern Europeans. They always look sad, which gives it a certain something. 318 00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:19,160 Next you'll be telling me they're queuing up for threesomes. 319 00:24:19,280 --> 00:24:21,960 - Threesomes are totally overrated. - Yeah, sure! 320 00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:27,000 They are! When you've done the deed, it's just one more hairy Mary prattling on in your ear. 321 00:24:27,120 --> 00:24:31,080 Who can be arsed with that? Not me, for one. 322 00:24:31,240 --> 00:24:36,280 Go and have a wank in the cupboard. I won't tell anyone. Have a hand-shandy. 323 00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:40,520 - Martin's having a wank in the cupboard! - I'm not. I'm not. 324 00:24:44,720 --> 00:24:48,760 Sorry, it's just chocolate. Chocolaty fingers. 325 00:24:50,120 --> 00:24:53,720 Ah, Dr Macartney! Sorry to intrude, I know you're busy, 326 00:24:53,840 --> 00:24:56,760 but this is Henry's new surgical registrar, Caroline Todd. 327 00:24:56,880 --> 00:24:59,880 - This is Doctor Macartney. - Hi, Mac. Call me Mac. Hi. 328 00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:02,240 - Hi. Any relation to... ? - Ringo Starr? No. 329 00:25:02,360 --> 00:25:06,240 Impeccable timing. We're a pair of hands down on a routine hernia operation. 330 00:25:06,400 --> 00:25:08,840 Whoa! She hasn't had her pager yet. 331 00:25:08,960 --> 00:25:11,400 Then she won't be paged during the operation. 332 00:25:11,520 --> 00:25:14,480 - What about her ID tags? - Yeah, I can vouch for her ID. 333 00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:16,560 You definitely look like a doctor. 334 00:25:16,720 --> 00:25:21,440 Yeah, dilated pupils, no sense of humour and... What do you smell of? 335 00:25:21,560 --> 00:25:23,520 Is that minicabs? 336 00:25:24,920 --> 00:25:26,920 - He's terrible! - OK, let's go. 337 00:25:27,040 --> 00:25:29,000 - Go on, go on. - Come on. 338 00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:46,600 OK, let's sew this mother up. 339 00:25:46,720 --> 00:25:51,880 Sorry if I seem a bit stressed out. I didn't sleep very well last night. 340 00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:55,600 Mind you, I did have a rather disturbing lesbian dream. 341 00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:56,880 Bingo. 342 00:25:57,040 --> 00:26:00,120 - Would you like to talk about that? - I don't really remember it. 343 00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:02,880 - Well, make it up. - Positions, numbers? 344 00:26:03,040 --> 00:26:05,360 - Were they shaved? - Yeah, were they shaved? 345 00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:09,040 Perhaps I could have another one, take a few notes, and bring them in for you. 346 00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:11,640 - Can you draw? 347 00:26:15,320 --> 00:26:17,280 Your shoes are ringing. 348 00:26:19,680 --> 00:26:21,640 - It might be a lesbian. 349 00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:25,160 - Or the mothership. - Mum, stop phoning me at work. 350 00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:29,080 For a tenner, name me five famous lesbians. 351 00:26:29,200 --> 00:26:31,160 - Joan of Arc, Boadicea... - Boudicca. 352 00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:32,960 Boudicca and the Brontė sisters. 353 00:26:33,080 --> 00:26:37,960 - You can't have the Brontė sisters. - OK. Martina Navratilova, kd lang and... 354 00:26:38,120 --> 00:26:40,120 Yes, I'll have him put down. 355 00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:43,080 - The queen of Lesbos. - A name would be good. 356 00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:45,760 - Cassandra. Cassandra, yeah. - Cassandra? 357 00:26:46,720 --> 00:26:48,240 Yeah. 358 00:26:48,360 --> 00:26:51,920 - Top-up time. How long do you need? - Five minutes, thank you very much. 359 00:26:52,040 --> 00:26:54,360 Bet you can't do it in three. 360 00:27:00,040 --> 00:27:03,120 - God, how much do you need for lunch? - I'm food-combining. 361 00:27:03,240 --> 00:27:08,480 Crispy duck, shredded lettuce, rich plum sauce wrap and banana milkshake. 362 00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:12,560 - How can you eat duck? That's so mean. - I spent half my childhood feeding them. 363 00:27:12,720 --> 00:27:14,560 - What you got, Karen? - Luncheon meat. 364 00:27:14,720 --> 00:27:17,000 - Oh, God! - My friend made them. 365 00:27:17,160 --> 00:27:19,600 Friend? Male or female? 366 00:27:19,760 --> 00:27:21,600 Male. 367 00:27:21,760 --> 00:27:24,760 So you're saying a man made your sandwiches this morning? 368 00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:28,320 - Yep. - Well, what's his name? 369 00:27:28,440 --> 00:27:30,440 - Tim. - Tim? God! 370 00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:34,160 - So is he your boyfriend? - Don't know. 371 00:27:34,280 --> 00:27:37,480 - Don't know? Well, have you slept with him? - Slept, yes. 372 00:27:37,600 --> 00:27:39,960 - God! Karen and sex. - Not sex. 373 00:27:40,080 --> 00:27:41,880 - Not sex. - No. 374 00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:44,600 He thinks we're not sexually compatible. 375 00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:47,000 We just lie together naked. 376 00:27:58,040 --> 00:27:59,520 I am starving. 377 00:27:59,640 --> 00:28:04,320 - They never give you decent portions here. - No, they do. You just have to be nice. 378 00:28:04,440 --> 00:28:08,720 If you flatter them, you'll have more food on your plate that you can ever deal with. 379 00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:10,880 How do you flatter a woman like that? 380 00:28:10,960 --> 00:28:14,800 'Nice overall". "Ooh, what an alluring scent of fat". 381 00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:18,640 - "I've always admired career women". - Yeah, that'll do. 382 00:28:18,800 --> 00:28:21,920 - What can I get you, love? - Hello. Hello. 383 00:28:22,040 --> 00:28:25,320 Well... Oh, crikey, the chilli looks fantastic, as ever. 384 00:28:25,440 --> 00:28:29,000 The steak and kidney pie also looks tremendous. You're spoiling us today. 385 00:28:29,120 --> 00:28:32,240 - I can do you a bit of both. - Could you? That would be brilliant. 386 00:28:32,360 --> 00:28:35,080 - Chips and peas? - Yes, please. Brilliant. 387 00:28:35,200 --> 00:28:40,200 These are the best chips in the whole country. Superb chips. 388 00:28:40,320 --> 00:28:44,960 Always nice to have a little bit of glamour while you're dining. 389 00:28:45,080 --> 00:28:47,360 - There you go. - Thank you very much. 390 00:28:47,480 --> 00:28:50,920 - You have a fantastic day, now. - I will. Same to you, my love. Ta-ta. 391 00:28:52,240 --> 00:28:55,560 I'll have the same as him, please... my darling. 392 00:28:55,680 --> 00:28:57,600 - We're out of chilli. - You're joking! 393 00:28:57,760 --> 00:29:01,600 You only started serving 20 minutes ago. That is unbelievable! 394 00:29:03,680 --> 00:29:07,160 Never mind, I'll have some of that scrumptious-looking pie 395 00:29:07,280 --> 00:29:10,440 and some chips and peas... please. 396 00:29:10,560 --> 00:29:15,280 Great chips, he said, and, er, I love chips. 397 00:29:15,400 --> 00:29:17,320 Mmm. 398 00:29:21,640 --> 00:29:23,600 You're looking very... 399 00:29:26,040 --> 00:29:28,000 ... fit. 400 00:29:30,080 --> 00:29:32,000 Is that it? 401 00:29:34,520 --> 00:29:37,200 Pikey! The earrings are a dead giveaway. 402 00:29:37,320 --> 00:29:40,600 I was going to say, "See you around", but I don't hang out in gutters. 403 00:29:40,760 --> 00:29:43,240 And when I said you were looking fit, I meant "fat". 404 00:29:43,360 --> 00:29:47,920 I think you should... bring packed lunches from now on. 405 00:29:52,200 --> 00:29:53,600 - Oh, yes! - What? 406 00:29:53,760 --> 00:29:55,080 - Thank you. - What? 407 00:29:55,200 --> 00:29:58,160 Mark Burgess sells fridges. Yes! 408 00:29:58,280 --> 00:30:01,120 - Who? Who's Mark Burgess? - Mark Burgess? 409 00:30:01,240 --> 00:30:06,760 Mark Burgess was school captain of everything, and now he sells fridges. 410 00:30:06,880 --> 00:30:12,640 It says, "I'm a regional deputy director of a leading refrigerator manufacturer". 411 00:30:12,800 --> 00:30:17,040 "I still have time for Sunday football and the occasional round of golf". 412 00:30:17,160 --> 00:30:19,040 Tosser! I win that one. 413 00:30:19,160 --> 00:30:21,280 You win. How do you win, exactly? 414 00:30:21,400 --> 00:30:24,320 I think doctors are better than regional deputy directors. 415 00:30:24,440 --> 00:30:27,880 "Hello, Mark, what do you do?" "I sell fridges. What do you do, Martin?" 416 00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:30,360 "I'm a doctor". Thank you. "Captain that, you flidoid". 417 00:30:30,480 --> 00:30:33,560 I think you've got a few unresolved conflict issues there. 418 00:30:33,680 --> 00:30:35,600 - Oh, you're joking! - What? 419 00:30:35,760 --> 00:30:38,440 - Adam Ross is a pilot. - Bastard! Who's Adam Ross? 420 00:30:38,560 --> 00:30:41,560 - He was my best friend. Now he's a pilot. - Shit! 421 00:30:41,680 --> 00:30:44,400 - Pilots are better than doctors, aren't they? - Yeah. 422 00:30:44,520 --> 00:30:47,960 No, they're not. Anyway, for all you know, people exaggerate. 423 00:30:48,120 --> 00:30:53,000 He could be a lonely alcoholic with diseases. People exaggerate, don't they? 424 00:30:53,120 --> 00:30:55,960 That's true, yeah. Yeah, he could, he could. 425 00:30:56,040 --> 00:31:00,320 Nobody buys a jet ski. You hire them, you tosser. 426 00:31:00,440 --> 00:31:02,920 How are you going to get it there? 427 00:31:03,040 --> 00:31:07,040 No, trust me. No airline in the world will let you take a jet ski. 428 00:31:07,160 --> 00:31:10,080 Look, I'm going to call you back. See you in Zurich. 429 00:31:10,200 --> 00:31:13,480 - Are you all right there? - I'm just getting a change of clothing. 430 00:31:13,600 --> 00:31:16,440 - Need a hand? - I can manage to get dressed by myself. 431 00:31:16,520 --> 00:31:19,280 - I meant with the bike. Brrrm. - Yeah, I know you did. 432 00:31:19,400 --> 00:31:21,400 - Impulse buy, was it? - I will use it... 433 00:31:21,520 --> 00:31:26,480 - Do you always carry so much stuff around? - I can't get into my house until tomorrow! 434 00:31:26,600 --> 00:31:28,840 My life is in this car. 435 00:31:28,960 --> 00:31:32,480 I haven't got anything to "honk" with. 436 00:31:32,600 --> 00:31:36,480 - What? - Your sticker. "Honk me to bonk me". 437 00:31:37,360 --> 00:31:39,880 Oh, God, no. That's not my sticker. 438 00:31:40,000 --> 00:31:45,480 It's not my car. I borrowed it from a friend cos it takes more stuff. 439 00:31:45,600 --> 00:31:47,840 - I'm Caroline, by the way. - I know. 440 00:31:51,080 --> 00:31:53,760 Oh, God. You weren't there, were you? 441 00:31:53,880 --> 00:31:57,400 - Anaesthetist? - Guy Secretan. It's Swiss. 442 00:31:57,520 --> 00:32:01,600 Ah! Cuckoo clocks, no beaches. 443 00:32:01,760 --> 00:32:04,360 Theft of Jewish gold after the fall of Nazi Germany. 444 00:32:04,480 --> 00:32:08,240 - Sorry, I expect everyone says that. - No. So, where will you sleep tonight? 445 00:32:08,360 --> 00:32:14,080 - Between the wine rack and the lava lamp? - I'm working on it. There'll be a hotel. 446 00:32:14,200 --> 00:32:16,320 You own a hotel? Bloody hell! 447 00:32:16,440 --> 00:32:19,440 No, it's a flat. It's my flat. You can stay there. 448 00:32:19,560 --> 00:32:22,800 - At your flat? - Don't worry, I'm on nights. I won't be there. 449 00:32:22,920 --> 00:32:25,640 - It's a spare room, clean sheets. - No, I can't... 450 00:32:25,800 --> 00:32:28,440 - I use Bounce. Toblerone in the fridge. - I couldn't... 451 00:32:28,560 --> 00:32:30,240 - Barry White. - In the fridge? 452 00:32:30,360 --> 00:32:32,560 He's very sweaty otherwise. 453 00:32:32,720 --> 00:32:35,520 - Yes? - I am quite tempted. 454 00:32:35,600 --> 00:32:38,640 - How tempted out of ten? Out of 12? - I said... 455 00:32:38,800 --> 00:32:40,960 You've got a lovely smile when you do that. 456 00:32:41,080 --> 00:32:42,640 - When I what? - When you smile. 457 00:32:42,800 --> 00:32:44,920 I've got a lovely smile when I smile? 458 00:32:46,600 --> 00:32:50,480 - Sally Dawson works for Asda. Thank you! - Yes! 459 00:32:50,600 --> 00:32:53,760 She wouldn't kiss me at school and now she works for Asda. 460 00:32:53,880 --> 00:32:55,400 - That is poetic justice. - Yes. 461 00:32:55,520 --> 00:32:57,840 You want a career, you've got to get with Martin Dear. 462 00:32:57,960 --> 00:33:00,640 But only if you're a lady, cos I'm not queer. That's a rap. 463 00:33:00,800 --> 00:33:02,600 My name is ooh! My name is ooh! 464 00:33:02,760 --> 00:33:04,600 My name is Martin! 465 00:33:04,760 --> 00:33:06,720 I've got to go. 466 00:33:10,320 --> 00:33:14,800 "Martin Dear. I'm a senior doctor at a large teaching hospital 467 00:33:14,920 --> 00:33:19,840 but I still find time to spend with my young Brazilian wife and two beautiful children, 468 00:33:19,960 --> 00:33:24,040 not to mention my collection of classic British sports cars". You twat! 469 00:33:24,160 --> 00:33:27,120 I'm going. I just came to get this bit of paper. 470 00:33:27,240 --> 00:33:29,200 Oi, twat! 471 00:33:31,840 --> 00:33:33,840 What? What's the matter? 472 00:33:33,960 --> 00:33:37,000 I haven't had sex since Oscar was born, 473 00:33:37,120 --> 00:33:41,440 then, last night, Ian touched my boob during Frost 474 00:33:41,560 --> 00:33:45,240 and then his mother phoned in the middle of it and interrupted. 475 00:33:45,360 --> 00:33:47,280 - Oh, I'm sorry. - Oh, no, don't be. 476 00:33:47,400 --> 00:33:50,960 I had a twinge down there. It was wonderful! 477 00:33:52,840 --> 00:33:55,600 Fucking Mac gets to the fucking canteen before me, 478 00:33:55,760 --> 00:34:01,360 takes all the fucking jelly and hides it because he knows I fucking like it! 479 00:34:01,480 --> 00:34:04,840 What are you going to fucking do about it? 480 00:34:06,960 --> 00:34:09,080 You can have mine. 481 00:34:12,440 --> 00:34:15,200 This doesn't mean that it's over. 482 00:34:19,280 --> 00:34:21,600 - That fucker's gonna get it! - Get out. 483 00:34:21,760 --> 00:34:23,680 - What? - Out. 484 00:34:26,440 --> 00:34:28,400 Wanker. 485 00:34:51,640 --> 00:34:54,240 I wasn't prying. I didn't... You were... 486 00:34:54,360 --> 00:34:57,320 I'm not even... I don't know what you're doing. 487 00:34:57,440 --> 00:34:59,360 - I'm just weighing my breast. - Right. 488 00:34:59,480 --> 00:35:04,760 That's 1.2kg. So if I was gonna post it in the UK, that would be £4.56, 489 00:35:04,880 --> 00:35:06,960 or to Europe, £6.12. 490 00:35:08,240 --> 00:35:12,760 - Have you got anything you want to weigh? - No, no, no. Just... 491 00:35:12,880 --> 00:35:15,840 - What, you mean my penis? - You could do, I suppose. 492 00:35:15,960 --> 00:35:18,480 See how much it would be to post. 493 00:35:18,600 --> 00:35:23,840 - I'd say 28p, UK, or 68p, Australia. - 28p! 494 00:35:23,960 --> 00:35:25,440 - That's light. - Right. 495 00:35:25,560 --> 00:35:29,560 - But if you want to pop it on the scales... - No, cos I'm gonna... 496 00:35:29,680 --> 00:35:32,600 I've got scales at home. I'll weigh it on them. 497 00:35:32,760 --> 00:35:35,680 - What are you doing, anyway? - I'm lurking about. 498 00:35:35,840 --> 00:35:37,680 I'm not... 499 00:35:37,840 --> 00:35:41,960 Hey, maybe you and your 1.2kg would like to come out for a drink... 500 00:35:42,080 --> 00:35:44,160 - No. - No. 501 00:35:44,280 --> 00:35:46,240 Right. 502 00:35:55,120 --> 00:35:57,960 - No! No, no, no! - She asked me to deal with it. 503 00:35:58,080 --> 00:36:01,040 - If you just wait. - I haven't got time for this, Dr Statham. 504 00:36:01,160 --> 00:36:04,960 It will free up more of your time if you just leave it to me to deal with it. 505 00:36:05,080 --> 00:36:07,560 I was only following Joanna's instructions. 506 00:36:07,680 --> 00:36:11,600 - Yes, and I am only trying to help! - Well, let me handle it. 507 00:36:11,760 --> 00:36:14,040 Patient welfare is my responsibility. 508 00:36:14,160 --> 00:36:20,080 - Exactly, and this is a wall, not a patient! - The wall affects the patient psychologically. 509 00:36:20,200 --> 00:36:24,280 - No, I haven't got time for this, I'm afraid. - I'll deal with it. 510 00:36:24,400 --> 00:36:27,160 - Did you just push me? - No. It wasn't a push. 511 00:36:27,280 --> 00:36:32,120 - You did. You pushed me. - No, it wasn't a push. It was just a... 512 00:36:32,240 --> 00:36:35,560 - Sorry, that... - Are you all right, Suse? 513 00:36:35,680 --> 00:36:38,000 - He just pushed me. - No. Dr Hunter, it wasn't a push. 514 00:36:38,120 --> 00:36:41,160 - Did you just push her? - No, she was trying to squeeze past. 515 00:36:41,280 --> 00:36:44,400 - But did you actually push her? - No, as I say... 516 00:36:44,560 --> 00:36:48,960 It-it-it wasn't so much a push, it was... it was actually self-defence. 517 00:36:49,080 --> 00:36:51,000 - Self-defence? - He pushed me twice. 518 00:36:51,120 --> 00:36:53,160 - He does hit people. - You can go away! 519 00:36:53,280 --> 00:36:57,280 - Did you just push her twice? - That was just merely a demonstration... 520 00:36:57,400 --> 00:37:01,640 - Of what? - Well, of the first p... p... pat. 521 00:37:01,800 --> 00:37:04,280 - "Pat"? - By "pat", you mean "push". 522 00:37:04,400 --> 00:37:05,360 - No! - Yes. 523 00:37:05,480 --> 00:37:08,360 When people are bullied, it often creates a cycle of violence. 524 00:37:08,480 --> 00:37:10,760 Need I remind everybody that I have seniority? 525 00:37:10,880 --> 00:37:13,920 - So why do you behave like a five year-old? - I heard that! 526 00:37:14,040 --> 00:37:17,080 - Did you just touch my squirrel? - No! 527 00:37:23,680 --> 00:37:26,000 The point is... 528 00:37:39,040 --> 00:37:42,800 I am so sorry. I hear they're keeping you in for mild observation. 529 00:37:42,920 --> 00:37:48,280 It's probably only concussion, but if there's anything I can do. 530 00:37:50,160 --> 00:37:52,120 Sorry. 531 00:37:53,040 --> 00:37:56,080 Hi. Just so as you're not out of step with everybody else, 532 00:37:56,200 --> 00:38:00,640 in this hospital very few of us give presents to the patients at the end of the day. 533 00:38:00,760 --> 00:38:05,800 Obviously, it is your decision, but apart from anything else, it will cost you a fortune. 534 00:38:05,920 --> 00:38:08,480 God knows, I know, it's so easy to get involved. 535 00:38:08,600 --> 00:38:11,160 Get off me! I know this man. 536 00:38:11,320 --> 00:38:14,080 He tried to break into my brother's house. 537 00:38:14,200 --> 00:38:18,280 Right. Thank you. That makes everything a lot clearer. Thanks. 538 00:38:18,440 --> 00:38:21,200 Martin, Consuela called. Left a message, urgent. 539 00:38:21,360 --> 00:38:23,440 - Who? - Consuela. Your young Brazilian wife. 540 00:38:23,560 --> 00:38:27,240 Something about your 1957 Jaguar being delivered. 541 00:38:27,400 --> 00:38:29,200 - Ow. - Martin! 542 00:38:29,400 --> 00:38:32,880 - See this? Is that your signature? - Yeah, it is. 543 00:38:33,000 --> 00:38:36,040 Can't really do smiley faces on death certificates. 544 00:38:36,160 --> 00:38:39,040 It does look a little bit insensitive, OK? 545 00:38:39,160 --> 00:38:42,720 Do you want to just sort that? Thanks, mate. 546 00:38:44,880 --> 00:38:47,840 I think we'll have time to sort that out at the meeting. 547 00:38:47,960 --> 00:38:50,960 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'll fix that. Bye. 548 00:38:54,160 --> 00:38:56,560 Is Aphrodite in for her Apollo? 549 00:38:56,680 --> 00:39:00,040 - I'm up to my neck in vacancy... - Yes, well, there's the pen. 550 00:39:00,160 --> 00:39:02,160 I do beg your pardon. 551 00:39:11,320 --> 00:39:13,440 So, erm... 552 00:39:13,560 --> 00:39:17,120 - Yeah. Sort it yourself. If you could... - Good. That's more or less... 553 00:39:17,240 --> 00:39:21,200 - I think you've covered it. - Yes, I think, and perhaps further... 554 00:39:21,360 --> 00:39:23,320 - Fine. - As it were. 555 00:39:31,000 --> 00:39:41,240 Erm, well, a friend of mine is having a relationship with another friend of mine, 556 00:39:41,400 --> 00:39:48,760 and the, er, second friend doesn't want anybody to know. 557 00:39:51,320 --> 00:39:57,520 And the first friend, erm, wants to shout from the rooftops: 558 00:39:57,640 --> 00:40:00,400 "I love you! I need you!" ... Her. 559 00:40:02,400 --> 00:40:09,480 Obviously the first friend would, I think, prefer something a little more reciprocal. 560 00:40:12,800 --> 00:40:16,080 And, erm... so this leads to... 561 00:40:26,660 --> 00:40:29,060 ... a great deal of frustration. 562 00:40:30,740 --> 00:40:32,700 Right. 563 00:40:33,220 --> 00:40:35,140 Well... 564 00:40:36,300 --> 00:40:39,140 Have you discussed it with Joanna? 565 00:40:39,820 --> 00:40:42,700 Is that... Good heavens, there's a grebe. Is it? 566 00:40:42,820 --> 00:40:46,220 No. No, a tufted duck, I think, perhaps. 567 00:40:49,140 --> 00:40:51,100 Redshank. Erm... 568 00:40:55,580 --> 00:40:58,340 Fuck off! 569 00:41:40,620 --> 00:41:44,180 Oh, yes, that seems to be working very well. 570 00:41:51,460 --> 00:41:53,740 - Hello, Li-Li. - Hello, angel. 571 00:41:53,860 --> 00:41:55,740 - Did you have a good day? - Very good. You? 572 00:41:55,860 --> 00:41:59,500 - Yeah, I had a good day. I missed you. - I missed you. 573 00:41:59,620 --> 00:42:03,820 - I missed you. I missed you and your nose. - Yeah, my nose misses you. 574 00:42:03,980 --> 00:42:07,980 - I love your nose. Your little button nose. - It's not that little. 575 00:42:08,100 --> 00:42:11,420 A little button nose. A little Ping-Pong ball on the end. 576 00:42:11,540 --> 00:42:15,020 - Look. Boing, boing, boing, boing. - Yes. Hmm. 577 00:42:15,140 --> 00:42:16,660 Mnaaa! 578 00:42:16,780 --> 00:42:18,580 Ba-na na-naa. 579 00:42:18,700 --> 00:42:20,700 - That's better. - Lovely little nose. 580 00:42:20,820 --> 00:42:22,780 Yeah, more kisses. 581 00:42:22,940 --> 00:42:25,940 - Sweetie little nose. - But quite manly as well. 582 00:42:26,060 --> 00:42:28,740 Little nose... You should get the kink taken out of that. 583 00:42:28,900 --> 00:42:32,940 Then it would be perfect. Only cost you about a grand. 584 00:42:33,060 --> 00:42:34,900 Come on. Let's go. 585 00:42:44,380 --> 00:42:48,820 No, it's a flat. It's my flat. You can stay there. 586 00:42:49,660 --> 00:42:52,580 Guy Secretan. It's Swiss. 587 00:42:54,220 --> 00:42:55,540 Clean sheets. 588 00:42:55,660 --> 00:42:59,220 "There's Toblerone in the fridge". 589 00:43:11,060 --> 00:43:13,700 Smack ma bitch up, smack... 590 00:43:15,860 --> 00:43:17,140 Hello? 591 00:43:17,220 --> 00:43:18,700 Hi. 592 00:43:18,780 --> 00:43:19,980 - Hey! - Hi, Guy. 593 00:43:20,140 --> 00:43:22,900 - Hi. - You don't often come in here. 594 00:43:23,060 --> 00:43:26,900 Yeah, that's cos it's full of people like you. I'm killing time. 595 00:43:27,020 --> 00:43:29,860 Can I have my usual, please? 596 00:43:29,980 --> 00:43:35,300 Er... My usual pint of Guinness that I usually have, because I love Guinness. 597 00:43:35,420 --> 00:43:38,100 So that's... Why are you killing time? 598 00:43:38,220 --> 00:43:41,380 If I go back too early, my prey can make another plan, and escape. 599 00:43:41,500 --> 00:43:44,620 If I go back too late, she'll be asleep. Timing is crucial. 600 00:43:44,740 --> 00:43:48,060 That's fantastic. I haven't a clue what you're on about. 601 00:43:48,180 --> 00:43:49,740 - He's got prey. - Really, has he? 602 00:43:49,860 --> 00:43:53,180 - Fucking great, mate. - Don't. 603 00:43:55,460 --> 00:43:57,380 Go down, will you? 604 00:44:21,140 --> 00:44:25,740 - So, tell me, why are you wearing a blouse? - What? 605 00:44:25,860 --> 00:44:28,900 - It's a blouse, isn't it? - Fuck off! It's designer. 606 00:44:29,020 --> 00:44:31,300 What, Laura Ashley? 607 00:44:31,460 --> 00:44:33,380 - Are those roses? - No. 608 00:44:36,580 --> 00:44:38,940 - Well? - It's a blouse. 609 00:44:39,060 --> 00:44:41,380 - Blouse. - Fuck! 610 00:44:42,300 --> 00:44:45,780 - Blouson. - You are a... ginger. 611 00:44:45,940 --> 00:44:47,860 I am a fraise blonde. 612 00:44:52,020 --> 00:44:53,980 Ugh! Oh, that's lovely. 613 00:44:55,460 --> 00:44:59,660 - You'll get used to it. - Yeah. One of my favourite drinks. 614 00:44:59,780 --> 00:45:03,180 Can I have a Britvic chaser with that, please? 615 00:45:24,660 --> 00:45:25,860 Aaagh! 616 00:45:32,020 --> 00:45:34,980 - You've got a super vagina. - Thanks. 617 00:45:38,140 --> 00:45:41,980 - So, you're supposed to say something. - Why? 618 00:45:42,100 --> 00:45:43,660 Well, you know, erm... 619 00:45:43,780 --> 00:45:48,260 It's always me saying nice things about you. 620 00:45:48,380 --> 00:45:51,940 It might be nice if you reciprocated. 621 00:45:52,060 --> 00:45:54,700 All right. Erm... 622 00:45:54,820 --> 00:45:56,780 Your, er... 623 00:45:58,820 --> 00:46:00,900 No, sorry. I can't think of anything. 624 00:46:01,020 --> 00:46:05,380 That's a joke. Yes, I can see the funny side of that. 625 00:46:05,500 --> 00:46:08,340 Seriously, it might be nice to get a bit of feedback. 626 00:46:08,460 --> 00:46:11,500 The same goes for our physical relationship. 627 00:46:11,620 --> 00:46:15,980 I never get serviced, you know. It's always me servicing you. 628 00:46:16,100 --> 00:46:20,980 "Servicing"? Oh, God, you make me sound like a Ford Mondeo. 629 00:46:21,100 --> 00:46:23,860 - Do you think I need my exhaust checking? - It might be nice 630 00:46:24,020 --> 00:46:26,540 if I had my exhaust pipe checked every now and again. 631 00:46:26,660 --> 00:46:30,820 That wouldn't take long, would it? That would be a job for Very Kwik-Fit. 632 00:46:30,980 --> 00:46:35,540 That's... that's a joke, er... Size, isn't it? 633 00:46:35,660 --> 00:46:39,340 I don't know. You tell me, you're the joke expert. 634 00:46:39,460 --> 00:46:41,980 Yes, I know. I know. 635 00:46:42,100 --> 00:46:44,260 Though, obviously, I am not concerned. 636 00:46:44,380 --> 00:46:47,300 I have seen many a cock-cocky... 637 00:46:47,420 --> 00:46:51,140 - I am a doctor. - Yeah, a radiologist. 638 00:46:51,260 --> 00:46:53,940 Well, I've seen quite a few. 639 00:46:54,060 --> 00:46:58,780 What? X-rays? Sort of pictures of cockies? 640 00:46:59,740 --> 00:47:02,260 - How does it compare? - To what? 641 00:47:02,380 --> 00:47:05,740 A gherkin? A baseball bat? A Twiglet? 642 00:47:05,860 --> 00:47:08,340 - Other people's. - Oh, for heaven's sake! 643 00:47:08,460 --> 00:47:11,500 Come on, I'm a grown-up, I can take the truth. 644 00:47:11,580 --> 00:47:14,260 All right. I'd say you're, erm... 645 00:47:15,300 --> 00:47:17,340 slightly below average. 646 00:47:20,460 --> 00:47:22,540 And you've got shit tits. 647 00:47:34,500 --> 00:47:38,420 Hi, I'm back! You won't believe the day I've had. 648 00:47:38,540 --> 00:47:43,260 - I thought you were gonna be on nights. - Spotty chin-skin or Ramadan? 649 00:47:43,380 --> 00:47:45,420 Spotty chin skin. Fancy a drink? I know I do. 650 00:47:45,540 --> 00:47:49,420 - I thought you were gonna be on nights. - So did I. It's such a boring story. 651 00:47:49,540 --> 00:47:53,220 A little white wine or some Bollinger? You look like a Bolly dolly. 652 00:47:53,340 --> 00:47:55,460 - Oh, my ski pole... - Don't touch that end. 653 00:47:55,540 --> 00:47:59,260 - You're telling me how to hold a ski pole? - No. I'm just confused. 654 00:47:59,420 --> 00:48:03,860 Because you said you were gonna be on nights, and you said you had a spare room. 655 00:48:04,020 --> 00:48:05,980 The spare room has gone? 656 00:48:06,100 --> 00:48:10,420 Phone the police. We're looking for a man with a spare room and a bottle of Bollinger. 657 00:48:10,540 --> 00:48:14,740 Look, you said you had a spare room and you don't. That was a lie! 658 00:48:14,900 --> 00:48:19,020 No, I've got a spore room. I collect spores from all over the world. 659 00:48:19,140 --> 00:48:22,660 I keep them in a drawer, actually. In a spore drawer. 660 00:48:22,820 --> 00:48:24,700 - I'm going. - No, wait. 661 00:48:24,820 --> 00:48:28,700 I'll tell you what. Let's have something to eat and then we can talk. 662 00:48:28,820 --> 00:48:30,580 - You've got... - Get off! 663 00:48:30,700 --> 00:48:33,700 How about some quails' eggs with a little raspberry jus? 664 00:48:33,820 --> 00:48:35,500 Just stop it! OK? 665 00:48:35,620 --> 00:48:38,340 I have slept in my car, I don't have a home, I smell. 666 00:48:38,460 --> 00:48:40,980 I have had a traumatic first day at work. 667 00:48:41,100 --> 00:48:43,540 I am in a strange man's flat, who may be a psychopath, 668 00:48:43,660 --> 00:48:46,340 and I have done the biggest monster that won't go down! 669 00:48:46,460 --> 00:48:51,020 - It won't go any further. - I think I'm going to have to kill you. 670 00:48:52,220 --> 00:48:56,020 - I'm going. - No, no. I'll tell you what. I'll go. 671 00:48:56,140 --> 00:48:59,260 - But-But it's your flat. - No. No "but-buts". I'll go. 672 00:48:59,380 --> 00:49:01,740 And if you need anything, just yell. 673 00:49:01,940 --> 00:49:05,020 You can actually whisper under the door, cos I'll just be there. 674 00:49:05,140 --> 00:49:07,100 And is that a good smell or a bad smell? 675 00:49:07,220 --> 00:49:09,500 Oh, God. 676 00:49:09,660 --> 00:49:11,620 Good night. 677 00:49:13,180 --> 00:49:14,340 Shit! 678 00:49:27,180 --> 00:49:33,700 You may be thinking I'm comparing my penis to that of a corpse... 679 00:50:00,100 --> 00:50:03,740 Hey, come on, guys. You know we don't play British Bulldog in theatre. 680 00:50:03,860 --> 00:50:07,020 If you want to mess around, bugger off back to A&E. 681 00:50:13,700 --> 00:50:17,380 - Can we try and be a bit more professional? - There's a wasp! 682 00:50:17,500 --> 00:50:19,260 Jesus! 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net