1 00:00:05,400 --> 00:00:07,356 - You looking for a lodger? - Yeah. 2 00:00:07,480 --> 00:00:10,153 All I've had so far are loonies. 3 00:00:13,040 --> 00:00:17,192 "How to click with women". Already can! Clickety-click, click-click. 4 00:00:18,640 --> 00:00:22,315 You've got to be more exciting, a bit more, you know, spontaneous. 5 00:00:22,440 --> 00:00:24,396 I'm sure that can be arranged. 6 00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:35,794 - Mac's had some difficult news. - Oh, really? 7 00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:38,036 Yeah, about Holly. She's pregnant. 8 00:00:38,160 --> 00:00:41,994 - Who's pregnant? - Holly the baby-killer. 9 00:00:46,840 --> 00:00:49,593 - Oh, dear! - Jesus! 10 00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:51,358 - Oh, I must have... - Man! 11 00:00:51,480 --> 00:00:54,438 I must have tripped over your enormous, Neanderthal feet. 12 00:00:54,560 --> 00:00:56,152 Go away. 13 00:00:57,840 --> 00:00:59,671 - When d'you wanna move in? - Tomorrow? 14 00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:01,950 Hooray! 15 00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:20,434 I'm 42. I'm 42, I'm 42, I'm 42, I'm 42. 16 00:01:22,160 --> 00:01:24,116 Oh, Christ! 17 00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:27,351 Forty-two? 18 00:01:35,160 --> 00:01:38,277 Oh, face it, Joanna, you're 48. 19 00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:53,520 Go away! 20 00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:59,398 Yeah, no one's gonna know you've got a 48-year-old foofie. 21 00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:05,997 Happy birthday, foofie. Happy birthday, Joanna. 22 00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:10,875 It's me - Enobarbus, your humble servant - 23 00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:12,956 calling with birthday greetings. 24 00:02:13,080 --> 00:02:18,837 Why do birds suddenly appear 25 00:02:19,320 --> 00:02:23,518 Every time you are near? 26 00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:29,029 Just like me 27 00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:32,995 They want to be... 28 00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:58,113 ... close to you 29 00:02:58,240 --> 00:03:00,117 Aah-aah... 30 00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:02,959 Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. 31 00:03:03,080 --> 00:03:06,311 Yes, yes, yes. Erm, bye. Goodbye to you. 32 00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:10,194 Er, that's... it's very, very interesting. 33 00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:12,117 W-Why... why do birds... ? 34 00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:14,834 Er, the gulls... 35 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:16,916 You know, jenny wrens. 36 00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:19,315 Er, tommy tits. 37 00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:21,715 N-Not... not actually... 38 00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:25,549 No, I wouldn't say that, as such. But, erm... 39 00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:28,877 Good morning to you. Nice to see that you're, erm... 40 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:30,956 I was explaining... 41 00:03:36,400 --> 00:03:38,630 OK, birthday cake. 42 00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:44,113 - What about this one? - No, a bit stuffy. 43 00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:46,913 How about this? 44 00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:49,235 A bit childish. 45 00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:51,316 Ooh, this one. 46 00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:54,595 That's more Rachel. It's not really Joanna. 47 00:03:54,720 --> 00:03:57,109 We can put a candle on each nipple. 48 00:03:57,240 --> 00:03:59,470 I've always wanted to do that. 49 00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:03,193 Either that or run away and join the circus. 50 00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:07,438 - Maybe we should get the iced cake. - No, go on, let's be daring. 51 00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:09,516 - OK. - Ha! 52 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:28,156 Angela! Do you want coffee? 53 00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:32,398 - Yes! - What did your last slave die of? 54 00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:51,194 Angela, what are you doing? 55 00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:54,716 - Are you all right? - Yeah. 56 00:04:54,840 --> 00:04:56,956 Oh, my God! 57 00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:59,469 - Have I just seen you come? - Almost. 58 00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:01,556 I think I just missed. 59 00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:04,877 Oh, I'm so sorry. Look, I'll just leave your coffee there. 60 00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:07,230 - Morning, Liam. - Morning. 61 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:21,871 - Buggering wank! - The Swiss water-polo team has lost again? 62 00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:26,551 No. The bloody woman from Obstetrics is wearing knee-length patent-leather boots. 63 00:05:26,680 --> 00:05:31,595 We should march on Obstetrics with flaming torches and we should kill her. 64 00:05:31,720 --> 00:05:33,950 - I knew you wouldn't understand. - Who is she? 65 00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:35,718 I don't know, she just is. 66 00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:40,436 Join me again next week on Let's Make No Fucking Sense, when I will be waxing an owl. 67 00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:43,757 Just as I'd nearly finished putting all the data in as well. Grr! 68 00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:45,836 - What? - The league table. 69 00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:49,077 - You haven't got one just for Obstetrics? - Don't be stupid. 70 00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:51,395 It's for all hospital females. 71 00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:55,593 And knee-length patent-leather boots bump her up to a six in kinkiness. 72 00:05:55,720 --> 00:06:00,555 - You just never bloody know with women. - Soon they'll say we can't thrash our wives. 73 00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:04,468 Yeah! Look what it's done to the graph. It's knocked it out of whack. 74 00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:07,433 Obstetrics is now kinkier than Personnel. 75 00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:11,951 And the cute Chinese nurse from Fincham Ward is down to 19th. Jesus! 76 00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:15,709 Have you ever thought, this is just a shot in the dark, 77 00:06:15,840 --> 00:06:18,195 - you may be taking this too seriously? - What? 78 00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:21,153 Your life might be easier if you didn't bother with it. 79 00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:24,716 Then how in God's name am I supposed to put women in the proper order? 80 00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:28,435 Oh, my God, look! There is a coachload of Swedish physios. 81 00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:30,630 What? Oh, shut up. 82 00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:33,320 That would raise some conflicting issues from you. 83 00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:37,194 Very exciting sexually. On the other hand, a lot of admin. 84 00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:39,880 I did have a coachload of Swedish physios once. 85 00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:43,993 They smelt of herring, surprisingly. And flat-pack furniture. And Rolf Harris. 86 00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:47,954 - Rolf Harris isn't Swedish. - That's what was so surprising. 87 00:06:52,160 --> 00:06:55,232 - Ooh, ooh, ooh! - She's coming. Quick. 88 00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:57,271 Happy birthday to you 89 00:06:57,560 --> 00:06:59,437 Happy birthday to you 90 00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:02,439 Happy birthday, dear Joanna 91 00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:04,516 Happy birthday to you 92 00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:07,518 Right, thanks. Surprise, surprise. 93 00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:10,438 Same banner as last year. Hope it's a fresh cake. 94 00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:13,597 We didn't know how old you were, so... 95 00:07:15,040 --> 00:07:17,190 Ha, bloody ha-ha-ha. 96 00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:27,433 - What's that on your coat? - What? 97 00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:30,791 - Silver lines, on there. - Oh, snails. 98 00:07:30,920 --> 00:07:35,471 Yeah, I went to a party last night and, er... woke up in the garden. 99 00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:53,880 Hello, Mum. It's me. 100 00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:54,676 Hello, Mum. It's me. 101 00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:57,712 Martin. Martin Dear. 102 00:07:57,840 --> 00:08:01,196 No, Mar... M-A-R... You know who it is. 103 00:08:01,320 --> 00:08:03,675 No, I'm in the corridor. No one can hear me. 104 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:06,155 I just wa... Hello? 105 00:08:13,640 --> 00:08:17,838 Luxury penthouse apartment in the Docklands, panoramic views - yours for a year. 106 00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:21,714 - Electronic swipe card entrances? - Yes, and a concierge on the door. 107 00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:25,799 And there'd probably be a swimming pool in the basement with a gym and sauna. 108 00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:29,037 - Probably or definitely? - Can't say at this stage. 109 00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:31,469 - Will it have a glass lift? - No, a normal lift. 110 00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:33,955 OK, what's the price? 111 00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:37,311 Two weeks as Esther Rantzen's love bitch. 112 00:08:37,440 --> 00:08:40,512 Is that a five-day week, or are weekends included? 113 00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:44,792 - No, weekends are included. 14 days. - OK. Erm... no. 114 00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:49,038 Whenever I'd look through the panoramic windows, I'd get flashbacks of how I got there. 115 00:08:49,160 --> 00:08:53,711 So five days. And she gets to film it, with the possibility it might end up on the internet. 116 00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:56,593 - Probably or definitely? - I can't say at this stage. 117 00:08:56,720 --> 00:08:59,109 - That's the gamble you take. - OK, yes. 118 00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:03,711 As long as at some stage in the future a glass lift was installed. 119 00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:09,156 - Who was that? - Shagged his mum. 120 00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:13,512 Highest sag factor in the league. I left my watch inside her. 121 00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:25,113 - At least you look cool. - Yeah, well, I'm taking them back. 122 00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:29,711 They said they were photochromic. They go dark when I come inside, and light... 123 00:09:29,840 --> 00:09:32,070 - When you go outside? - Yeah. 124 00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:36,556 Got them from the market. Still, they do look cool, though. 125 00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:39,114 This psychologist, Carol Rothwell, 126 00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:42,949 claims to have devised a formula for happiness. 127 00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:45,196 - Can you do that? - She seems to think so. 128 00:09:45,320 --> 00:09:49,552 Apparently, happiness = p + 5e squared, minus the square root of 3, minus D cubed - 129 00:09:49,680 --> 00:09:54,754 where p = personal hygiene, e = entertainment value, and d = density. 130 00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:59,078 - What does that mean? - I've no idea. It's put me in a bad mood. 131 00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:01,475 Yeah, well... 132 00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:03,750 Bloody happiness, eh? 133 00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:08,476 Oh, you know, it's... more trouble than it's worth, that happiness. 134 00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:11,319 You are so right, Martin. 135 00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:15,592 I never wear sunglasses. I see the reflections of my own eyes staring back at me - 136 00:10:15,720 --> 00:10:18,109 it's too spooky. 137 00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:22,392 Yeah, well, you know, you've got really nice eyes. 138 00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:26,110 Martin! 139 00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:28,879 You think I've got really nice eyes? 140 00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:32,709 Yeah, well, I mean... You know, the whole head is... is good. 141 00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:37,391 But, well, it's your eyes... They're top eyes. 142 00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:39,033 Ah! 143 00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:42,072 Ah, you're really sweet. 144 00:10:45,680 --> 00:10:47,636 Er... sweaty. 145 00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:12,955 Erm, has anyone been in my office this morning? 146 00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:15,719 - Just Lyndon. - Lyndon? 147 00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:18,593 Yeah, he did that antivirus thing. 148 00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:20,676 - Lyndon? - Mm-hm. 149 00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:26,275 I didn't see Lyndon this morning. 150 00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:36,836 Oh. Morning again. Nice to see you with some clothes on. 151 00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:40,873 What? Oh, gosh, I'm sorry about the live bed-show with Liam. 152 00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:43,833 I don't know what it is, it just keeps getting better. 153 00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:46,838 - I guess we just click. - Sounds like you put your hip out. 154 00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:51,033 - I could have done, the way he... - Enough! Enough of your clickety-clicking. 155 00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:55,551 From now on, all clicking is to be done behind closed doors. 156 00:11:55,680 --> 00:11:57,910 - Sorry, Mrs Landlady. - Don't call me that! 157 00:11:58,040 --> 00:12:02,670 Makes me feel like a spinster smelling of wee who hasn't had a good click in ages. 158 00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:05,758 Don't be silly. You're not a spinster, you're a babe. 159 00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:08,952 - You think I'm a babe? - No, Guy does. 160 00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:12,959 It's one of the categories in this chart of women staff. 161 00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:16,516 There are scores, and look, here's you: arse. 162 00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:18,840 - They've called me an arse? - No, it's the arse category. 163 00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:20,398 - They've called me an arse? - No, it's the arse category. 164 00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:22,590 - You've scored four. - Out of five? 165 00:12:22,720 --> 00:12:24,711 Er, no. Ten. 166 00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:28,389 - What did you get? - I don't know, and I couldn't care less. 167 00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:30,715 - It's nonsense. - You got an eight for arse. 168 00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:33,718 I got an eight? Did I really? That can't be right - 169 00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:36,479 you only getting a four and me getting an eight. 170 00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:38,830 That's nearly full marks. 171 00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:43,351 Good for you! If it meant anything. Which it doesn't, cos it's nonsense. 172 00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:45,675 Nonsense. 173 00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:53,590 You... you arrange courses to help staff with personal development, don't you? 174 00:12:53,720 --> 00:12:56,632 - I do. - Cos I was wondering... 175 00:12:56,760 --> 00:12:59,558 - Yes? - Erm... 176 00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:01,557 Is there some sort of... 177 00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:07,995 male/female interrelationship creation course? 178 00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:10,475 I mean, I'd go halves, so... 179 00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:17,159 - What, a course for getting a girlfriend? - Well, yeah... I suppose, in a sense. 180 00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:19,794 Well, why didn't you say, eh? 181 00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:22,559 You don't need to go on a course. I can help you now. 182 00:13:22,680 --> 00:13:24,432 - Really? - It's easy. 183 00:13:24,560 --> 00:13:27,028 - OK. - Yeah. Let's have a look in here. 184 00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:30,630 Oh, right. Here we go. Just the ticket. 185 00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:34,548 Now, you just take these magic beans... 186 00:13:34,680 --> 00:13:36,830 but mind out for the ogre. 187 00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:45,396 Look, I'm not gonna plant any of your bloody beans! 188 00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:47,875 - They don't work. - No? 189 00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:55,590 It's not your job to... 190 00:13:56,880 --> 00:14:00,316 All I'm asking of you... 191 00:14:04,560 --> 00:14:08,189 Er... yes, here's you. Nine. Congrats. 192 00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:11,596 Nine? For what? "Easiness"? What the hell is that? 193 00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:14,029 Easy-going, easy to get on with. It's good. 194 00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:17,994 No, it's appalling. It's degrading, it's sexist, it's untrue. 195 00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:22,193 - Somebody should probably report him. - Yeah. I know. 196 00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:25,835 Gosh, I can't believe your arse only got a four and mine got an eight. 197 00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:28,315 What about breasts? Is there a mark for pertness? 198 00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:46,356 - Karen, where's the ward 2B file? - In the filing cabinet. 199 00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:50,359 - Yes, but where? - Under "ward 2B". 200 00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:53,517 - Karen, are you going to the snack machine? - Probably. 201 00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:55,995 Can you get me a Toffee Crisp and some Quavers? 202 00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:59,192 - Oh, and a carton of Ribena. - Yeah. 203 00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:02,517 Can you get me a yoghurt from the canteen, and a frothy coffee, no sugar? 204 00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:05,871 - Can't you get it yourself? - There's no point in us all going. 205 00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:09,834 - Get a tray. - I'd like a frothy coffee. Two sugars. 206 00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:12,793 - And a banana. - No, I won't! 207 00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:15,275 I am not your slave! 208 00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:19,311 Hark at her! Who rattled your cage? 209 00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:24,878 You lot, I am sick of it! Taking advantage, just cos I haven't got any breasts! 210 00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:39,036 Have you seen... ? Hi. 211 00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:49,078 - Hello. Lost something? - Er, maybe. 212 00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:51,475 This, by any chance? It was lying around. 213 00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:54,831 - Ah. - Makes very interesting reading. 214 00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:58,236 Seems I score quite highly in all-round easiness. 215 00:15:58,360 --> 00:16:01,750 Though I lose a few marks on cleanliness and mental attitude. 216 00:16:01,880 --> 00:16:04,030 - Yeah, thing is... - Additional comments: 217 00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:08,312 "Probably looks up at you in a pleading way during intercourse". 218 00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:12,909 - You're wondering what I've got to say? - Yeah, it crossed my mind. 219 00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:15,508 - Well... the thing is... - What? 220 00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:18,518 - Well, the... What you have to bear in mind... - Yes? 221 00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:20,596 - ..is... is... - Is what? 222 00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:23,590 It's Mac's. 223 00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:27,751 - This... this is Doctor Macartney's? - Yes, it is. 224 00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:31,714 Well, you... you shouldn't look like a man who has one of these. 225 00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:36,548 Do you look up pleadingly during inter... ? Yeah. 226 00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:39,069 She probably does. 227 00:16:44,480 --> 00:16:49,349 Control, alt, delete will lock your system and prevent your data getting wiped. 228 00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:53,109 - I only went to the loo. - Sure. Just remember, control, alt, delete. 229 00:16:53,240 --> 00:16:57,438 Then it doesn't matter if someone sits on your keyboard - all your files are safe. 230 00:16:57,560 --> 00:16:59,915 - Show me again? - You try. 231 00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:04,033 Well, OK then. This one, this one, and... 232 00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:06,879 Gosh, they all look the same, don't they? 233 00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:09,798 It's a bit of a stretch. I've only got tiny hands. 234 00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:12,275 - Use the other one. - Oh, OK. 235 00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:15,676 - If you just... - Psst. Thank you. 236 00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:17,950 Cheeky boy! 237 00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:21,917 Yeah, I just wanted to say thanks. Big lug. 238 00:17:22,040 --> 00:17:24,952 - For? - Love it. Love, love, love it. 239 00:17:25,080 --> 00:17:29,232 The email was spot on. Yeah, very thoughtful. 240 00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:35,035 You're a bad boy. A bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad boy. 241 00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:36,798 - Laters? - Sorry? 242 00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:39,229 Catch you laters. 243 00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:41,999 Later, birthday drinks in the bar, about sixish. 244 00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:44,793 - Not you. Just him. - I don't think I... 245 00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:56,750 OK, do you want to try again? 246 00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:12,117 You have the chauffeur-driven car 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, seven days a week. 247 00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:16,870 If I wanted to go to any pub, at any hour, in any part of the country, it would take me? 248 00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:17,796 Yes. 249 00:18:17,920 --> 00:18:21,276 Would the driver be parked outside my house 24 hours a day? 250 00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:23,914 - No. - How would I contact him? 251 00:18:24,040 --> 00:18:28,591 - OK, whatever. He's outside 24 hours. - One man can't stay awake 24 hours a day. 252 00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:31,075 There are several drivers working in shifts. 253 00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,191 - Would he have a uniform? - Yes. 254 00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:35,914 - Designed by me? - Yes. 255 00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:39,874 - What make of car? - You would have... a Bentley. 256 00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:43,675 But more than a Bentley. You would have a Bentley with... 257 00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:45,756 diplomatic immunity. 258 00:18:50,280 --> 00:18:52,669 The price? 259 00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:56,990 Three nights of passion... with Dr Alan Statham. 260 00:18:57,120 --> 00:19:00,396 I'll do it. Diplomatic immunity? Bargain! 261 00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:03,671 What about the same thing without immunity? 262 00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:07,679 Only if I have a Swiss flag on the front of the Bentley, like ambassadors do. 263 00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:12,316 Every day you'll go to work, see him, and be reminded of the horrors of those three nights. 264 00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:15,000 - But I'd have a chauffeur-driven Bentley! - Fair point. 265 00:19:17,120 --> 00:19:19,190 Yes, fair point. 266 00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:21,675 - He's waking up. - Oh, yes. 267 00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:36,195 Hello, Mum. It's me again. 268 00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:38,311 Don't hang up. I know you're there. 269 00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:40,396 I just want... 270 00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:54,030 Hi, Mum. It's me again. I... 271 00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:02,915 Celebrating Joanna's birthday. Piece of cake? 272 00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:06,715 - No, I'm here to discuss Lyndon. - Oh, right, the Prince of Darkness. 273 00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:09,912 Yes, and that's partly... absolutely nothing to do with it. 274 00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:13,555 It's just that, erm... I think we're going to have to let him go. 275 00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:15,716 Lovely, lovely. Lovely Lyndon. 276 00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:20,516 The female contingent in the hospital feel unable to talk about it, so they... 277 00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:25,077 I've designated myself their voice. Erm... he looms. 278 00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:26,679 - Looms? - Yes. 279 00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:28,028 - Cake? - No. 280 00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:30,240 He creeps out of dark corners in frankly a predatory fashion, 281 00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:32,117 He creeps out of dark corners in frankly a predatory fashion, 282 00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:34,913 with his ulterior ways, 283 00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:37,679 and he slips into their still-warm seats. 284 00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:39,756 - He unsettles them. - Does he now? 285 00:20:39,880 --> 00:20:45,113 - And who exactly does he unsettle? - I'm speaking for many anonymous women. 286 00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:50,519 - I need names. - Well, erm, Joanna... Clore for one. 287 00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:53,359 She's unsettled by his loomingness. 288 00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:59,749 Er... she becomes breathy and skittish around him, and a moisture forms on her brows. 289 00:20:59,880 --> 00:21:01,757 Erm... 290 00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:05,712 Would you say that I'm looming now? 291 00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:08,513 No, you remain completely unscary, in spite of... 292 00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:13,634 And don't think I know what you're getting at, w-with your face paint. 293 00:21:15,360 --> 00:21:18,238 - She's in there. - I can't wait to meet this perfect woman. 294 00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:21,670 The one who scores top in everything, including personality. 295 00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:26,430 Men are such dopes. Don't they realise women who are too nice are secretly evil? 296 00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:29,631 Yes. Very slowly. 297 00:21:29,760 --> 00:21:31,830 Slowly. Yes. Come on. 298 00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:34,349 Very good. Yes! Come on. 299 00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:36,550 Yes! 300 00:21:38,760 --> 00:21:41,797 - You see? Pure evil. - Yeah. 301 00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:47,914 She's playing on their emotions, turning on the tears so they like her more. 302 00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:51,112 - She's got a big mouth. - But men like that. It's voluptuous. 303 00:21:51,240 --> 00:21:54,232 Yeah, but not like a letter box. You've got a big mouth. 304 00:21:54,360 --> 00:21:56,316 - No, I haven't. - Yes, you have. 305 00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:59,989 - That's not your real mouth. - This is a pert mouth. 306 00:22:01,040 --> 00:22:02,553 - I'm not. - Not what? 307 00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:07,276 One of those people who thinks ill of someone because of their... er... 308 00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:11,075 I think we've all of us learnt from the pop group Showaddywaddy. 309 00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:15,159 The story goes that, out of the entire pop group, 310 00:22:15,280 --> 00:22:18,192 they had only nine O levels between them - 311 00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:21,357 obviously the result of a comprehensive education. 312 00:22:21,480 --> 00:22:24,472 But the Caucasians hadn't passed any exams at all, 313 00:22:24,600 --> 00:22:28,878 and it was in fact the darker... the darkest chap 314 00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:31,434 who in fact passed all of the exams himself. 315 00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:36,475 Everyone was amazed. Who would have thought it of the... the... 316 00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:40,474 But not me. I wasn't surprised in the least. 317 00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:44,434 - You weren't? - No. The rest of the group were clearly... 318 00:22:51,520 --> 00:22:53,590 And so, that's... that's why. 319 00:23:05,840 --> 00:23:07,193 No. 320 00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:08,833 Non. 321 00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:09,790 Nein. 322 00:23:09,920 --> 00:23:12,957 That's it for the prawn cocktail. Ready salted. 323 00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:14,957 OK. Non. 324 00:23:15,080 --> 00:23:16,433 No. 325 00:23:16,560 --> 00:23:20,599 Yes! Yes, direct hit. Open it up. Open her up. 326 00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:22,836 - Yes! 20 quid. - 20 quid! 327 00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:24,916 - That's 80 quid now. - 20 British quid. 328 00:23:25,040 --> 00:23:28,589 Stick it with the others. There's plenty more to come. 329 00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:30,153 No. 330 00:23:31,200 --> 00:23:34,078 This is out of bounds, Mr Boyce. What are you doing? 331 00:23:34,200 --> 00:23:36,839 Me? I, er... just wanted to be at the helm. 332 00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:40,270 Just wanted to feel what it was like to be like you. 333 00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:42,470 Dream on, Mr Boyce. Dream on! 334 00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:45,239 You will never know what it's like to be like me. 335 00:23:45,360 --> 00:23:49,114 I know that now. Takes someone special to control a ship like that. 336 00:23:49,240 --> 00:23:52,038 - Yes, it does. - You're special. 337 00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:55,869 You're like Obi-Wan Kenobi to my Luke Skywalker. 338 00:24:12,120 --> 00:24:14,793 So, er... what makes me special, then? 339 00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:17,753 - What? - What makes me special? 340 00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:20,792 You have the whole effortless charm thing going for you. 341 00:24:20,920 --> 00:24:23,514 - Do I? - Of course you do. Everyone can see it. 342 00:24:23,640 --> 00:24:25,835 But what have I got? 343 00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:26,880 Dunno. 344 00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:27,869 Dunno. 345 00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:30,514 You must do. I know what makes you attractive, 346 00:24:30,640 --> 00:24:33,359 so surely you must sense what my special gift is. 347 00:24:33,480 --> 00:24:36,233 Charts. You do nice charts. 348 00:24:36,360 --> 00:24:39,193 - Do I? - Yes, very neat handwriting. 349 00:24:39,320 --> 00:24:41,276 Really? 350 00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:46,195 - Anything else? - Erm... 351 00:24:48,480 --> 00:24:50,436 Well... 352 00:24:51,560 --> 00:24:53,676 Eyes like blue... 353 00:24:55,080 --> 00:24:58,117 - Are they? - Like chipped blue ice. 354 00:25:01,720 --> 00:25:03,836 - What have you got there? - Soup. 355 00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:06,474 - What kind? - Minestrone flavour. 356 00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:09,990 - Minestrone's not a flavour. - It is. 357 00:25:10,120 --> 00:25:12,475 No. A flavour's like... 358 00:25:12,600 --> 00:25:17,116 strawberry, or salt and vinegar, or sour cream and chive. 359 00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:19,959 - Vanilla. - Yeah, vanilla. Or lemon. 360 00:25:20,080 --> 00:25:24,278 - Pistachio. - We could say, "What flavour's minestrone?" 361 00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:27,039 "Is it tomatoey or garlicky?" 362 00:25:28,880 --> 00:25:30,472 Or oniony. 363 00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:32,716 - It's minestrone-y. - No, it fucking isn't! 364 00:25:32,840 --> 00:25:34,796 - Please don't swear. - You haven't tried it. 365 00:25:34,920 --> 00:25:37,753 - I don't care. There's no such thing. - It's my soup. 366 00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:40,917 It's not a bloody flavour, all right? 367 00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:45,071 Mmm! 368 00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:47,156 Minestrone-y. 369 00:25:51,040 --> 00:25:52,996 Tomatoey. 370 00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:03,518 Left hands. Unless you want to sort your hair out. 371 00:26:03,640 --> 00:26:06,074 - Prepare to burn. - Light the flames. 372 00:26:06,680 --> 00:26:08,671 Er, right. Yes, that's good. Ready? 373 00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:10,995 - Yeah. - Don't go till I say, OK? 374 00:26:11,120 --> 00:26:13,076 - Ready? Three, two... - You fucker! 375 00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:16,476 - Burn, you titty! - Find the extra gear. 376 00:26:16,600 --> 00:26:18,113 Oh, yes. 377 00:26:18,240 --> 00:26:21,915 - No! - Feel the heat. Feel the heat. 378 00:26:22,040 --> 00:26:24,031 - Ow! - Void. 379 00:26:24,160 --> 00:26:27,118 - No, it's not. - It is. The Fartin dropped the match. 380 00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:29,993 - I won. - Sorry, that's my final word on the matter. 381 00:26:30,120 --> 00:26:33,192 Sorry, Mac. It was burning my finger, see? It throbs. 382 00:26:33,320 --> 00:26:36,153 - You want a rematch? Why not? - I don't want to. 383 00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:38,077 - Yeah, cos you're afraid to lose. - No! 384 00:26:38,200 --> 00:26:42,193 - Right, we want a word with you. - No, I won't go out with you both. 385 00:26:42,320 --> 00:26:46,393 Not you, him. About this ridiculous league table of women. 386 00:26:46,520 --> 00:26:50,479 - Where'd you get that? - A print-out from Mac's poisonous gadget. 387 00:26:50,600 --> 00:26:52,830 It's childish and offensive. 388 00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:55,349 Actually, most women would be flattered at the attention. 389 00:26:55,480 --> 00:26:58,358 - He gave Caroline's bum a four out of ten! - Shut up! 390 00:26:58,480 --> 00:27:00,436 - He knows what he gave you. - Do I? 391 00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:03,552 Well, actually, in that skirt, you are a four out of ten. 392 00:27:03,680 --> 00:27:05,636 - I would give you a nine. - Thank you, Martin. 393 00:27:05,760 --> 00:27:09,230 If you were wearing cuppy pants, you might have the arse of a seven. 394 00:27:09,360 --> 00:27:14,559 But in those, it's a four. So, we were... he was just stating a fact. 395 00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:17,478 - End of story. - No, it's not the end of the story. 396 00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:20,637 I don't say, "Guy, you look like the donkey from Shrek". 397 00:27:20,760 --> 00:27:24,719 Or, "Ginger freak" to Mac. Or, "Martin, you look like a vole". 398 00:27:24,840 --> 00:27:29,038 Or you, Boyce, "You look like a porcelain lady-boy sometimes". Do I? 399 00:27:29,160 --> 00:27:33,790 No, you don't. Because that would be offensive, and that would be personal abuse, 400 00:27:33,920 --> 00:27:36,639 as stated in the discrimination policy. 401 00:27:36,760 --> 00:27:38,716 - What? - You heard. 402 00:27:38,840 --> 00:27:43,277 You just made discriminatory remarks about each one of us. 403 00:27:43,400 --> 00:27:45,311 - No, I didn't. - Yes, you did. 404 00:27:45,440 --> 00:27:49,638 You said he looks like the donkey from Shrek. That is making fun of physical deformity. 405 00:27:49,760 --> 00:27:52,513 You said Boyce looks like a lady-boy. Homophobic. 406 00:27:52,640 --> 00:27:56,110 You said I'm a ginger freak. That's colour-blind, for a start. 407 00:27:56,240 --> 00:27:59,630 - It's also racist. - You said I look like a vole. 408 00:28:01,760 --> 00:28:05,275 Yeah. You said all these things in front of witnesses. 409 00:28:05,400 --> 00:28:08,278 - You're lucky that we don't report you. - I might report you. 410 00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:13,235 - You can't. I've done nothing wrong. - You kind of have. 411 00:28:13,360 --> 00:28:16,796 I suggest that you leave, and we won't take this any further. 412 00:28:17,640 --> 00:28:20,871 - Well, wh-what about the table? - If you ignore the table, 413 00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:26,632 we will let the homophobic, the racist, the disability jibes slide. 414 00:28:33,680 --> 00:28:35,989 - Nice one, Mac. - Yours, I believe. 415 00:28:36,120 --> 00:28:38,759 As is this. 416 00:28:38,880 --> 00:28:41,599 - Do you really think I look like a vole? - Yeah. 417 00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:44,996 Listen, I really appreciate that. Thanks. I won't forget it. 418 00:28:45,120 --> 00:28:49,352 - Neither will I. - There's nothing wrong with ginger pubes. 419 00:28:58,520 --> 00:29:00,875 There she is. There's the birthday girl. 420 00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:03,912 - Yes. What? - Got my little token, I see. 421 00:29:04,040 --> 00:29:07,715 - Your what? - My symbol of affection. 422 00:29:07,840 --> 00:29:10,035 - This isn't from you? - Yes, it is. 423 00:29:10,160 --> 00:29:15,029 Thank you very much. I secretly put it on your desk this morning. 424 00:29:15,160 --> 00:29:16,718 Bugger! 425 00:29:16,840 --> 00:29:20,992 It's, erm... It's from Enobarbus to his Cleopatra. 426 00:29:22,000 --> 00:29:24,389 Sorry, you said "bugger". Why did you say that? 427 00:29:24,520 --> 00:29:27,034 It had to be from you - the bloody thing's broken. 428 00:29:27,160 --> 00:29:30,789 - It can't be. - It is. Did you get it from the market? 429 00:29:30,920 --> 00:29:34,117 - It's shoddy. I've got gluey stuff all over me. - Oh, dear. 430 00:29:34,240 --> 00:29:36,708 - We'll have that fixed. - What is it, anyway? 431 00:29:36,840 --> 00:29:39,513 Well, have a guess. Go on, have a guess. 432 00:29:39,640 --> 00:29:41,995 - I don't know. - It's man's milk. 433 00:29:43,040 --> 00:29:47,556 - It's... my love juice. - That had better be a joke. 434 00:29:47,680 --> 00:29:49,910 Don't worry, I can easily refill it. 435 00:29:50,040 --> 00:29:52,156 Well, not here obviously. 436 00:29:52,280 --> 00:29:57,434 Are you telling me you've given me a spunk-filled locket for my birthday? 437 00:30:00,160 --> 00:30:01,798 Happy birthday to you 438 00:30:01,920 --> 00:30:04,195 Now that you're 52! 439 00:30:04,320 --> 00:30:06,959 - Joke. Nice trinket. May I? - No! 440 00:30:07,080 --> 00:30:10,470 Well, there seems to be a slight discharge there. 441 00:30:10,600 --> 00:30:14,798 - What is that? Perfume? - No. No, it's a special nectar. 442 00:30:15,280 --> 00:30:19,068 It's an Indian tribal youth-giving... 443 00:30:19,200 --> 00:30:22,317 - It's hippy shit, you know. - Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! 444 00:30:22,440 --> 00:30:25,796 Yum, yum! We could all do with a bit of youth. 445 00:30:27,080 --> 00:30:30,197 - Are you in the market for a bun? - No, I'm not. 446 00:30:32,160 --> 00:30:35,232 - Thank you so much. - I've got you something else. 447 00:30:35,360 --> 00:30:38,875 You'll get your main present... later. 448 00:30:48,960 --> 00:30:54,512 - OK, why has my wee gone blue? - Blue? Oh, shouldn't be that colour. 449 00:30:54,640 --> 00:30:59,156 - Broadly speaking, that's my point, Dr Tit. - Maybe you have a hideous wasting disease. 450 00:30:59,280 --> 00:31:02,875 Or maybe somebody spiked my lunch with something to make my wee blue. 451 00:31:03,000 --> 00:31:05,878 - We wouldn't do that. - Let's put that to the test. 452 00:31:06,000 --> 00:31:08,150 - Eat some of that. - I don't want it. 453 00:31:08,280 --> 00:31:10,635 - Guilt speaks. - I just don't like sweetcorn. 454 00:31:10,760 --> 00:31:12,990 - Can I pick it out? - And remove the evidence? 455 00:31:13,120 --> 00:31:17,671 Hang on. Are you seriously suggesting that I got a syringe, 456 00:31:17,800 --> 00:31:21,839 injected individual pieces of sweetcorn with stuff that makes wee blue? 457 00:31:21,960 --> 00:31:24,520 Of course we didn't. 458 00:31:24,640 --> 00:31:27,598 - Yeah, well, I... - Of course not. 459 00:31:31,520 --> 00:31:34,193 It was in your Fanta. 460 00:31:34,320 --> 00:31:35,992 "Dr Tit"! 461 00:31:36,120 --> 00:31:41,797 Good. I think this demonstrates perfectly the hip screw I was discussing yesterday. 462 00:31:41,920 --> 00:31:46,277 - It's cold in here. - Yes, it's a problem with the heating. 463 00:31:46,400 --> 00:31:48,675 I can see your nipples through your shirt. 464 00:31:49,400 --> 00:31:53,359 - Erm... can you? - They're like little bullets pointing at me. 465 00:31:53,480 --> 00:31:55,550 Stand behind me so you can't see them. 466 00:31:55,680 --> 00:31:58,035 Yeah. Sorry, yeah. 467 00:31:58,160 --> 00:32:02,472 So, something may be caught. The iliopsoas muscle may be entrapped 468 00:32:02,600 --> 00:32:07,355 between the overhanging cup component, on the one hand, and the... 469 00:32:07,480 --> 00:32:11,109 The thing is is that I still know that they're erect. 470 00:32:12,560 --> 00:32:15,360 Look, it's a perfectly unremarkable involuntary physical response. 471 00:32:15,360 --> 00:32:16,873 Look, it's a perfectly unremarkable involuntary physical response. 472 00:32:17,000 --> 00:32:19,514 Kindly pay attention and stop thinking about my nipples. 473 00:32:19,640 --> 00:32:21,471 I'm sorry. Of course. 474 00:32:21,600 --> 00:32:26,390 So we're looking for an abnormality of some sort, possibly. 475 00:32:26,520 --> 00:32:31,071 In this case, specifically... 476 00:32:31,200 --> 00:32:34,431 I think yours are erect now, by the way. 477 00:32:34,560 --> 00:32:36,357 - Are they? - Yes. 478 00:32:36,480 --> 00:32:39,040 They're like beady eyes. 479 00:32:39,160 --> 00:32:41,390 Must be the cold. 480 00:32:41,520 --> 00:32:45,308 Er, there's a nip in the air, as it were. 481 00:32:45,440 --> 00:32:48,716 Why don't we go back to the x-rays, 482 00:32:48,840 --> 00:32:51,991 but this time we could rub our nipples to bring them down? 483 00:32:52,120 --> 00:32:54,076 That's good. Very good. 484 00:32:58,680 --> 00:33:00,716 Oh, they're retracting. 485 00:33:05,320 --> 00:33:08,118 When... 486 00:33:09,240 --> 00:33:14,633 ... an infiltration into the painful muscle of local anaesthetic would... 487 00:33:19,080 --> 00:33:22,356 ... some relief, obviously. 488 00:33:22,480 --> 00:33:24,710 And, er... 489 00:33:24,840 --> 00:33:26,592 Goodbye. 490 00:33:27,640 --> 00:33:29,790 Erm... 491 00:33:29,920 --> 00:33:32,832 ... c-correct, Doctor. 492 00:33:32,960 --> 00:33:38,034 Well done. That's cleared... cleared that... 493 00:33:39,520 --> 00:33:41,954 All shipshape and... 494 00:33:42,080 --> 00:33:43,672 I'll check... 495 00:33:43,800 --> 00:33:47,679 Happy birthday to you 496 00:33:48,000 --> 00:33:51,436 Happy birthday to you 497 00:33:51,720 --> 00:33:53,676 Happy bir... 498 00:34:10,080 --> 00:34:12,116 Enter. 499 00:34:13,520 --> 00:34:15,829 Ah, Dr Todd. Come in, take a seat. 500 00:34:15,960 --> 00:34:17,916 Thank you. 501 00:34:20,000 --> 00:34:22,594 Oh, God, I... You've... Well, they're... 502 00:34:22,720 --> 00:34:24,472 - Bigger? - Yes. 503 00:34:24,600 --> 00:34:26,716 How odd you notice. 504 00:34:26,840 --> 00:34:29,559 Not really. They're hard to miss. 505 00:34:29,680 --> 00:34:34,151 Oh. Like you, I'm drawn to large breasts. Full ones. 506 00:34:34,280 --> 00:34:36,714 - I'm not drawn to them. - You noticed mine. 507 00:34:36,840 --> 00:34:39,513 - Well, yes... - Comforting, aren't they? 508 00:34:39,640 --> 00:34:42,438 I think I want to touch a big woman's breasts. 509 00:34:42,560 --> 00:34:46,872 I'm not a lesbian, it's just they look so inviting, don't they? 510 00:34:47,000 --> 00:34:51,994 Well, actually, maybe I am a lesbian. 511 00:35:02,960 --> 00:35:06,191 Breathe. Breathe. 512 00:35:08,440 --> 00:35:11,352 - Now, how can I help? - It doesn't... 513 00:35:12,280 --> 00:35:16,398 Well, I just have some concerns about attitudes to female staff. 514 00:35:16,520 --> 00:35:20,752 Some of the male doctors are... I don't think it matters now. 515 00:35:26,680 --> 00:35:28,830 - Did you just throw your breast at me? - No. 516 00:35:28,960 --> 00:35:30,916 - Do you want me to? - No. 517 00:35:47,120 --> 00:35:48,439 - Marty! - Boycie! 518 00:35:48,680 --> 00:35:49,999 - Marty! - Boycie! 519 00:35:50,240 --> 00:35:51,673 - Marty! - Boycie! 520 00:35:51,920 --> 00:35:53,273 - Marty! - Boycie! 521 00:35:53,520 --> 00:35:55,920 - Marty! - Boycie! 522 00:35:55,920 --> 00:36:01,677 - Marty, Marty, Marty, Marty, Marty! - Boycie, Boycie, Boycie, Boycie, Boycie! 523 00:36:01,800 --> 00:36:03,199 - Marty! - Boycie! 524 00:36:03,440 --> 00:36:05,396 - Marty! - Boycie! 525 00:36:05,520 --> 00:36:07,476 Stop it. 526 00:36:11,800 --> 00:36:13,756 Boycie! 527 00:36:32,520 --> 00:36:35,796 Erm... you're... you're... 528 00:36:35,920 --> 00:36:39,151 you're probably thinking that, erm... 529 00:36:40,120 --> 00:36:42,076 er... 530 00:36:44,840 --> 00:36:46,796 In some way... 531 00:36:48,480 --> 00:36:50,436 But, er... 532 00:36:51,760 --> 00:36:55,309 Ooh, Karen! Martin Dear "isn't he queer" is on his way up. 533 00:36:55,440 --> 00:36:59,115 - Oh, my God. How do I look? - Rough. 534 00:36:59,240 --> 00:37:02,437 I know, crouch down. It makes you look less ugly. 535 00:37:02,560 --> 00:37:05,438 - OK. - No, crouch. 536 00:37:05,560 --> 00:37:07,869 Hm, still ugly. Yes. 537 00:37:11,120 --> 00:37:14,317 Is, erm... Joanna, Joanna Clore in the... 538 00:37:15,920 --> 00:37:18,309 the... 539 00:37:18,440 --> 00:37:20,954 - Hello, ladies. - Martin. 540 00:37:21,080 --> 00:37:23,958 - Or Dr Dear. - Whatever. 541 00:37:24,080 --> 00:37:28,153 Is... is frizzhead around - the one with the curly hair? 542 00:37:28,280 --> 00:37:30,236 - I need some T and D forms. - I'm here. 543 00:37:30,360 --> 00:37:33,193 - What you doing down there? - Searching. 544 00:37:33,320 --> 00:37:35,276 - For what? - Something. 545 00:37:35,400 --> 00:37:37,960 Can I get some forms, please? 546 00:37:39,520 --> 00:37:42,080 They're... they're over there. 547 00:37:42,200 --> 00:37:44,156 I'll get them. 548 00:37:50,400 --> 00:37:52,356 - There you go. - Thanks. 549 00:37:52,480 --> 00:37:54,391 So... 550 00:37:54,520 --> 00:37:56,476 got lots of hair, haven't you? 551 00:37:56,600 --> 00:37:57,749 Yeah. 552 00:37:57,880 --> 00:37:59,836 Curly wurly, sort of... 553 00:37:59,960 --> 00:38:03,316 Is it... is it like that all over? D'you... 554 00:38:04,320 --> 00:38:06,276 D'you... 555 00:38:07,880 --> 00:38:12,192 Can you tell Joanna Clore that I have passed by, please? 556 00:38:12,320 --> 00:38:14,276 Thanks. 557 00:38:18,480 --> 00:38:21,438 See? I told you you look better crouched down. 558 00:38:26,240 --> 00:38:28,754 And what is this? 559 00:38:28,880 --> 00:38:30,598 - Mr Boyce? - It's a bone. 560 00:38:30,720 --> 00:38:34,349 Of course it's a bone, you fool. The question is, which bone is it? 561 00:38:34,480 --> 00:38:36,550 - That's not the question you asked. - It is. 562 00:38:36,680 --> 00:38:39,319 No, you said, "What's this?" 563 00:38:39,440 --> 00:38:42,113 Yes, well, I meant, "What bone is this?" 564 00:38:42,240 --> 00:38:44,196 Hm... don't know. 565 00:38:44,320 --> 00:38:47,676 Then don't waste people's time by raising your nipple... hands 566 00:38:47,800 --> 00:38:52,271 to ask a question - answer - that you have no idea about. 567 00:38:52,400 --> 00:38:56,029 I knew the answer to the question you asked, so I was right to raise my hand. 568 00:38:56,160 --> 00:38:58,594 It wasn't the question I meant, so you were wrong. 569 00:38:58,720 --> 00:39:02,872 - Is that not a bone? - Yes, but you didn't get the question right. 570 00:39:03,000 --> 00:39:07,073 - I didn't answer that question. - Just... That is beside the point. 571 00:39:07,200 --> 00:39:09,156 Just cease now! 572 00:39:10,840 --> 00:39:13,718 - Do I still have chipped-ice blue eyes? - Moving on. 573 00:39:13,840 --> 00:39:18,277 - And neat handwriting? - Moving on! Anybody know what this is? 574 00:39:18,400 --> 00:39:21,517 - It's a bone. - Mr Boyce, you... Nobody move! 575 00:39:27,680 --> 00:39:29,875 - Where is everyone? - Gone. 576 00:39:30,000 --> 00:39:33,470 - What, to the bar? - No, home, I think. 577 00:39:33,600 --> 00:39:35,795 Good. What a relief. 578 00:39:35,920 --> 00:39:39,390 God, I was dreading having to make conversation with you lot, 579 00:39:39,520 --> 00:39:43,911 - pretend we all like each other. - Yes, well, have a nice night. 580 00:39:45,400 --> 00:39:48,915 This isn't a joke, is it? You know, a surprise party. 581 00:39:49,040 --> 00:39:52,271 I think you've all gone home, then find you're all in the bar? 582 00:39:52,400 --> 00:39:53,799 No. 583 00:39:53,920 --> 00:39:57,959 - Cos I'd hate that. - It's all right, that's not the plan. 584 00:39:58,080 --> 00:40:00,000 Good. Good! What a relief. 585 00:40:00,000 --> 00:40:00,238 Good. Good! What a relief. 586 00:40:07,960 --> 00:40:11,873 - There's not one colour photo in this. - That's an old one, that one. 587 00:40:12,000 --> 00:40:14,275 - I mean... - "I mean"? Yes? 588 00:40:14,400 --> 00:40:16,356 - Nothing. - No, go on. 589 00:40:16,480 --> 00:40:20,234 How would you boys feel if I'd been compiling a league table about you, 590 00:40:20,360 --> 00:40:24,478 reducing you to mere physical attributes listed in cold numerical order, 591 00:40:24,600 --> 00:40:28,070 - and just concentrating on sex, sex, sex?! - I'd like that. 592 00:40:28,200 --> 00:40:30,191 - I'd be fascinated. - Unbelievable! 593 00:40:30,320 --> 00:40:32,390 All right, we'll make one up, shall we? 594 00:40:32,520 --> 00:40:36,991 Arses, out of ten. Guy, six. Mac, four. Martin, seven. 595 00:40:37,120 --> 00:40:40,715 Hair. Martin, three. Mac, three. Guy, six. 596 00:40:40,840 --> 00:40:43,195 Fuckocity. Nil. 597 00:40:43,320 --> 00:40:45,595 Nil. 598 00:40:45,720 --> 00:40:47,676 - Guess what. - What? 599 00:40:47,800 --> 00:40:49,074 Nil. 600 00:40:49,200 --> 00:40:52,033 - OK? Happy, boys? - Yeah, very. 601 00:40:56,880 --> 00:40:58,836 I got seven for my arse. 602 00:40:58,960 --> 00:41:01,394 - Oh, shut up. - She was making it up. 603 00:41:01,520 --> 00:41:03,715 Those words came out of her mouth. 604 00:41:03,840 --> 00:41:07,753 - "Vole" came out of her mouth earlier. - Along with "face" and "donkey". 605 00:41:07,880 --> 00:41:10,633 - I still got a seven. - No, you didn't get a seven. 606 00:41:10,760 --> 00:41:15,038 That was made up. She was just saying the first thing that came into her head. 607 00:41:15,160 --> 00:41:18,436 It is hard to suppress thoughts completely, and she did it quickly, 608 00:41:18,560 --> 00:41:22,473 so there might be something in it - you do have the shittest hair. 609 00:41:22,600 --> 00:41:26,673 If you actually listened, you'd remember I tied with Martin on hair. 610 00:41:26,800 --> 00:41:31,237 Yeah, but I won it! And what's more, with a clear three-point margin. 611 00:41:31,360 --> 00:41:33,555 And I had the highest combined total. 612 00:41:33,680 --> 00:41:38,117 That is it. I think there might be something in it after all. 613 00:41:38,240 --> 00:41:41,038 We still got nil for fuckocity, though, didn't we? 614 00:41:41,160 --> 00:41:43,116 Yeah, we did. 615 00:41:44,440 --> 00:41:47,079 Still, I've got the nicest arse. 616 00:42:25,500 --> 00:42:29,618 I said, "You do not know the difference between diphenhydramine hydrochloride 617 00:42:29,740 --> 00:42:31,696 and nucleic acid". 618 00:42:35,060 --> 00:42:37,016 - Another drink? - Alan, you go. 619 00:42:37,140 --> 00:42:39,859 - I don't mind. - No, it's Dr Statham's turn. 620 00:42:39,980 --> 00:42:41,936 - No, it isn't. - You know it is. 621 00:42:42,060 --> 00:42:46,212 No. Well, actually, it's just that I'd rather not go to the bar. 622 00:42:46,340 --> 00:42:50,891 It might be rather awkward, cos the staff and I had a bit of a disagreement. 623 00:42:51,020 --> 00:42:53,454 - About what? - Erm... 624 00:42:53,580 --> 00:42:57,175 br... bringing a dog into the bar. 625 00:42:57,300 --> 00:42:59,575 - You haven't got a dog. - No, that's right. 626 00:42:59,700 --> 00:43:05,855 That's why they wouldn't serve me. They said they were only serving dog owners. 627 00:43:05,980 --> 00:43:09,416 - That's bizarre. - Yes. Quite mad, they are. 628 00:43:09,540 --> 00:43:12,134 - There's some money. If you don't mind. - He does mind. 629 00:43:12,260 --> 00:43:14,615 - No, he doesn't mind. - I don't. 630 00:43:16,260 --> 00:43:20,048 What's the matter with you? Can't you do your own thing for one minute? 631 00:43:20,180 --> 00:43:23,855 What, and leave you alone with him? You must be mad! 632 00:43:23,980 --> 00:43:26,175 - He's got methods. - What? 633 00:43:26,300 --> 00:43:30,691 He's got devious ways. One minute you're having a perfectly nice drink, 634 00:43:30,820 --> 00:43:35,132 the next minute you're spread-eagled on a rug in the woods 635 00:43:35,260 --> 00:43:41,369 while he's rutting on top of you, ploughing his mucky little furrow. 636 00:43:41,500 --> 00:43:43,536 Mmm! 637 00:43:43,660 --> 00:43:45,298 What? 638 00:43:45,420 --> 00:43:47,376 Nothing. 639 00:43:51,700 --> 00:43:53,975 - What you doing? - Writing a speech. 640 00:43:54,100 --> 00:43:56,819 - You resigning? - No, it's his best-man speech. 641 00:43:56,940 --> 00:43:58,931 - You gonna be a best man? - Yep. 642 00:43:59,060 --> 00:44:01,290 - Fuck. - He's been asked to do it seven times. 643 00:44:01,420 --> 00:44:05,493 - That is popularity for you. - You wanna watch it, mate. 644 00:44:05,620 --> 00:44:09,374 My dad used to say to me, "Always the bridesmaid, never the bride". 645 00:44:09,500 --> 00:44:11,968 - You were a bridesmaid? - What? No, I... 646 00:44:12,100 --> 00:44:15,570 You said your father said, "Always the bridesmaid, never the bride". 647 00:44:15,700 --> 00:44:19,010 That would imply that you were a bridesmaid. 648 00:44:19,140 --> 00:44:21,290 - It was a turn of phrase. - A turn of gender? 649 00:44:21,420 --> 00:44:25,254 Actually, in Switzerland, it's quite common for men to be bridesmaids. 650 00:44:25,380 --> 00:44:28,178 - No, it isn't. - Are you Swiss? You don't know. 651 00:44:28,300 --> 00:44:31,098 I do know that bridesmaids are women. What did you wear? 652 00:44:31,220 --> 00:44:34,769 Fuck off. A long tunic. 653 00:44:34,900 --> 00:44:36,970 - A dress. - No. I was five. 654 00:44:37,100 --> 00:44:41,139 I don't care how old you were. That is a thing that girls do. 655 00:44:42,260 --> 00:44:45,172 - If you tell anyone, I'll cut your heart out. - Whatever! 656 00:44:45,300 --> 00:44:47,860 "Always the bridesmaid" - that's brilliant. 657 00:44:47,980 --> 00:44:51,177 I said shut up. I'm gonna go and strain the greens. 658 00:44:51,300 --> 00:44:53,291 Yep. 659 00:45:05,500 --> 00:45:07,456 I bet you look lovely in a tunic. 660 00:45:07,980 --> 00:45:10,733 - If you want to go to the loo, go. - I don't. 661 00:45:10,860 --> 00:45:15,615 I know you do. You're sitting there jiggling with your legs crossed, like you always do. 662 00:45:15,740 --> 00:45:19,369 - Maybe I should go. - Oh, no, please, Lyndon. It's my birthday. 663 00:45:19,500 --> 00:45:21,730 Maybe just a few minutes. 664 00:45:23,500 --> 00:45:26,572 So, the world of IT. 665 00:45:26,700 --> 00:45:29,419 What a mystery it is to the rest of us. 666 00:45:29,540 --> 00:45:32,657 - How long have you been doing it for now? - Four years. 667 00:45:32,780 --> 00:45:35,658 - Four years? Hmm. - All right, you win. 668 00:45:35,780 --> 00:45:38,578 Just remember what I said. He's got methods. 669 00:45:39,900 --> 00:45:41,856 OK. 670 00:45:43,860 --> 00:45:46,693 - I'm OK. - Lyndon. 671 00:45:46,820 --> 00:45:49,937 Lyndon, I don't think I got my birthday kiss. 672 00:45:52,180 --> 00:45:54,375 - Hello. - What the hell do you want? 673 00:45:54,500 --> 00:45:57,810 Dr Statham said he'd give me 20 quid if I sat here. Peanut? 674 00:45:57,940 --> 00:45:59,896 - I'd better go. - Oh, no, Lyndon... 675 00:46:00,020 --> 00:46:01,976 Oh, fuck! 676 00:46:06,620 --> 00:46:08,975 Just bring it straight through. 677 00:46:09,100 --> 00:46:11,489 Careful, Liam. 678 00:46:11,620 --> 00:46:16,057 - I thought you'd moved all your stuff in. - Just all the little bits and bobs. 679 00:46:16,180 --> 00:46:17,977 - Right. - Is this yours? 680 00:46:18,100 --> 00:46:20,933 Yes. Actually, I'd rather you didn't play with that. 681 00:46:21,060 --> 00:46:23,938 Sorry. It's just it was quite expensive. 682 00:46:24,980 --> 00:46:26,940 - How long have you been playing? - Oh, let me see. 683 00:46:26,940 --> 00:46:27,452 - How long have you been playing? - Oh, let me see. 684 00:46:27,580 --> 00:46:30,970 God, erm... It was when I was... so... 685 00:46:31,100 --> 00:46:33,819 - About six months. - Have you taken any grades? 686 00:46:33,940 --> 00:46:37,137 Oh, no, no, no. It's purely for relaxation. 687 00:46:38,780 --> 00:46:42,056 I'm completely self-taught. The thing about the flute is, 688 00:46:42,180 --> 00:46:45,650 it's a far more complicated business than you'd imagine. 689 00:46:45,780 --> 00:46:50,331 It actually takes about three months to get any sound out of it at all. 690 00:46:50,460 --> 00:46:53,850 - Really? - Yeah, yeah. I'm getting quite good now. 691 00:46:53,980 --> 00:46:57,290 - Maybe I will take an exam. - Brilliant. 692 00:46:57,420 --> 00:46:59,980 I used to play the flute when I was little. 693 00:47:00,100 --> 00:47:04,457 Sure you're not thinking about the recorder? This goes out to the side, not up and down. 694 00:47:04,580 --> 00:47:07,811 I'm pretty sure it was one of those long silvery tube things. 695 00:47:07,940 --> 00:47:10,056 - Good job it's not nickel-plated. - Why? 696 00:47:10,180 --> 00:47:13,729 Acidic perspiration makes all the plating come off. 697 00:47:13,860 --> 00:47:17,011 That'd be no good to a sweaty pig like me. They'd just dissolve. 698 00:47:17,140 --> 00:47:19,859 - No, I didn't mean... - Maybe we could play together. 699 00:47:19,980 --> 00:47:22,369 - Do you still have your flute? - No. 700 00:47:22,500 --> 00:47:25,970 Ah. It gets a bit difficult after the first year, doesn't it? 701 00:47:26,100 --> 00:47:28,056 - I just sort of moved on. - Yeah? 702 00:47:28,180 --> 00:47:30,455 A bit daunting, was it? 703 00:47:30,580 --> 00:47:35,051 - Where d'you wanna put the harp? - Hang on. Let me give you a hand. 704 00:47:39,860 --> 00:47:43,375 - Not waiting to take drugs, I hope? - What? 705 00:47:43,500 --> 00:47:48,051 That's what people do - take drugs in the cubicles. I read it in a report. 706 00:47:48,180 --> 00:47:51,411 Are you, er... are you accusing me of taking cocaine on duty? 707 00:47:51,540 --> 00:47:53,735 No, no, no. Just... 708 00:47:53,860 --> 00:47:58,138 I fully understand you're just waiting to do... to do a private poo. 709 00:47:58,260 --> 00:48:01,172 No, I'm not waiting to do a private poo. 710 00:48:03,060 --> 00:48:05,972 I, er... just normally like using a cubicle. 711 00:48:06,100 --> 00:48:09,456 But just to prove to you that I'm not doing drugs or wanting a poo, 712 00:48:09,580 --> 00:48:12,652 I will use the urinal, OK? 713 00:48:12,780 --> 00:48:14,736 Yes, yes. 714 00:48:21,740 --> 00:48:23,173 Erm... 715 00:48:23,300 --> 00:48:26,929 You do realise that your... your wee is... 716 00:48:29,020 --> 00:48:32,456 - fluorescent? - Yes, thank you. Yes. 717 00:48:34,220 --> 00:48:36,176 Fuck! Shit! 718 00:48:38,780 --> 00:48:40,736 It's not a discharge. 719 00:48:47,500 --> 00:48:49,855 - Stealer. - What? 720 00:48:50,900 --> 00:48:55,018 You've got a rug in the woods, haven't you? Warmed and waiting. 721 00:48:55,140 --> 00:48:56,892 - I beg your pardon? - You heard. 722 00:48:57,020 --> 00:49:00,296 Didn't work this time, though, did it? Mister! 723 00:49:01,860 --> 00:49:03,259 Mental! 724 00:49:03,380 --> 00:49:07,851 I-I... I just think it's something you might have mentioned before you moved in. 725 00:49:07,980 --> 00:49:10,972 Yeah, I know. And gosh, I'm so sorry. I really am. 726 00:49:11,100 --> 00:49:16,015 The thing is, it's such a part of me that I sometimes forget that it's quite big. 727 00:49:16,140 --> 00:49:18,449 I think it's terribly exciting. 728 00:49:18,580 --> 00:49:22,050 And you can play it, can you? Or do you just... just jam? 729 00:49:22,180 --> 00:49:25,729 I wouldn't say I could play to a professional standard. I got Grade 7. 730 00:49:25,860 --> 00:49:27,816 Oh, what a clever baby! 731 00:49:27,940 --> 00:49:32,218 But when I made the decision to do medicine, well... I just play for pleasure now. 732 00:49:32,340 --> 00:49:34,296 That I want to see. 733 00:49:34,420 --> 00:49:38,174 But if it's going to cause a row, then I can just pop it into storage. 734 00:49:38,300 --> 00:49:41,451 - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! No. - No, no, no. 735 00:49:41,580 --> 00:49:45,016 No, no, it's fine. I wouldn't dream of it. 736 00:49:45,140 --> 00:49:47,734 I'm really looking forward to hearing you play. 737 00:49:47,860 --> 00:49:51,420 - Isn't it a shame you didn't get Grade 8? - I know! 738 00:49:51,420 --> 00:49:51,818 - Isn't it a shame you didn't get Grade 8? - I know! 739 00:50:09,540 --> 00:50:11,656 - Hi, there. - God! Don't do that. 740 00:50:11,780 --> 00:50:14,738 - Did I scare you? - No, I meant don't come near me. 741 00:50:14,860 --> 00:50:17,454 I've got something for you. 742 00:50:17,580 --> 00:50:19,650 Go on, then. Make it quick. 743 00:50:20,580 --> 00:50:23,811 Well, happy birthday... 744 00:50:23,940 --> 00:50:25,896 Mum. 745 00:50:29,100 --> 00:50:30,931 Bugger off! 746 00:50:31,860 --> 00:50:34,897 - What about a birthday hug? - Great. Find me a fireman. 747 00:50:35,020 --> 00:50:37,056 - No, I meant from your son. - No. 748 00:50:37,180 --> 00:50:39,136 Please? 749 00:50:48,500 --> 00:50:50,934 - Oh, happy birthday, Mum. - Yeah. 750 00:50:51,060 --> 00:50:54,132 - Oh, you're lovely. - No, I'm not. 751 00:51:26,340 --> 00:51:30,049 - You're like a big, pink hot-water bottle. - Yeah, thanks very much. 752 00:51:30,180 --> 00:51:35,459 Right. So, the Heimlich manoeuvre from the front is basically a non-starter. 753 00:51:35,580 --> 00:51:39,732 Yeah, that's right. The Heimlich manoeuvre from the front is not gonna work. 754 00:51:39,860 --> 00:51:42,693 - It's dangerous. - Nice talking to you, Dr Dear. 755 00:51:42,820 --> 00:51:44,776 - Good. - Go away. 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net