1 00:00:08,240 --> 00:00:10,595 Angela, what are you doing? 2 00:00:10,720 --> 00:00:13,029 Oh, my God! 3 00:00:13,160 --> 00:00:15,116 Have I just seen you come? 4 00:00:19,080 --> 00:00:21,469 You think I've got really nice eyes? 5 00:00:21,600 --> 00:00:25,309 Yeah, well, I mean... You know, the whole head is... is good. 6 00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:29,558 But, well, it's your eyes... They're top eyes. 7 00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:36,831 Seems I score quite highly in all-round easiness. 8 00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:40,839 Though I lose a few marks on cleanliness and mental attitude. 9 00:00:44,120 --> 00:00:47,476 Gosh, I can't believe your arse only got a four and mine got an eight. 10 00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:52,469 Are you telling me you've given me a spunk-filled locket for my birthday? 11 00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:56,156 It's such a part of me that I sometimes forget that it's quite big. 12 00:00:56,280 --> 00:00:58,794 I'm stressed out about my exams. 13 00:00:58,920 --> 00:01:03,198 OK, I've got you. If you stopped being stressed, things would be a lot easier for you. 14 00:01:03,320 --> 00:01:04,275 Yes! 15 00:01:05,200 --> 00:01:06,952 Happy birthday... 16 00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:09,116 - Mum. - Jesus! 17 00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:57,710 - I've got bowel cancer. - What is it, sweet? 18 00:01:57,840 --> 00:02:01,992 I've told you, I've got bowel cancer. I've got blood clots in my... 19 00:02:02,120 --> 00:02:04,759 OK, well, we'd better go and have a look. 20 00:02:21,080 --> 00:02:23,036 Sun-dried tomatoes. 21 00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:27,909 Yeah, so thank God I had this filthy bitch between my thighs. 22 00:02:28,040 --> 00:02:32,238 She is a beast, but you've got to become one with that beast, yeah? 23 00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:35,432 You've got to control the beast. OK? 24 00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:45,236 I don't think I need it. 25 00:02:51,760 --> 00:02:56,356 It was a nightmare. Everyone was panicking. I said, "You've got to calm down, guys". 26 00:02:56,480 --> 00:03:02,032 Because we had to intubate nasally. There was house red everywhere, OK? 27 00:03:02,160 --> 00:03:07,473 And you would have probably fainted. That kind of thing does not bother me at all. 28 00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:10,194 - Sorry. - No. Go on, sit on it. 29 00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:12,515 I have got a bike. It's a scooter. 30 00:03:12,640 --> 00:03:15,473 - It's similar, but... - It's a great scooter. 31 00:03:15,600 --> 00:03:16,794 Yeah, cheers. 32 00:03:16,920 --> 00:03:19,753 Hey. Vroom, vroom, vroom! 33 00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:21,279 (mimics acceleration ) 34 00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:23,470 - That's probably enough. - Yeah. 35 00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:33,795 Ah, Caroline Todd. Still sleeping rough, I see. 36 00:03:33,920 --> 00:03:35,876 Well, no, actually. 37 00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:43,758 Bit of advice. Hairdressers are alive and well, you know. 38 00:03:44,720 --> 00:03:46,756 And clearly all blind! 39 00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:57,476 - Where do you want the admissions lists? - Put them in my in-tray. 40 00:03:57,600 --> 00:04:00,034 What's this? 41 00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:02,515 - Give it back to me. It's mine! - Can't I look at it? 42 00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:03,595 No! 43 00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:05,711 Oh, it looks like a poem to me. 44 00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:08,877 - Have you written a poem, Karen? - Can I have it back, please? 45 00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:10,592 "Ode to Martin". Martin who? 46 00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:13,632 - Martin Dear, he's the queer. - He is not! 47 00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:17,799 "There was a time I had not seen you I don't know how I coped 48 00:04:17,920 --> 00:04:22,789 "Now every day I want to watch you and help you with your moped" 49 00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:27,471 - "Help you with your moped"? What's that? - Mo-ped. It's mo-ped. 50 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:29,556 - That doesn't rhyme. - Yes, it does! 51 00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:31,398 - Well, it's assonance. - What? 52 00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:35,035 A half-rhyme. Michael Caine taught Julie Walters about it in Educating Rita. 53 00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:36,957 Bollocks! 54 00:04:38,280 --> 00:04:42,068 I tell you what you could do, Karen. In the second line: coped - co-ped. 55 00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:46,432 "I know not how I co-ped". No. A bit florid perhaps. 56 00:04:46,560 --> 00:04:50,075 Morning, mumsie. Morning, Rachel. Morning, Kim. 57 00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:52,111 - Jesus! - What? 58 00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:54,276 Sorry, nothing. You took me by surprise. 59 00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:58,154 Kim, I need you to sort out everyone's holiday rota at some point. 60 00:04:58,280 --> 00:05:00,669 - It looks very striking, by the way. - What does? 61 00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:04,190 - Your hair. - Yeah, what about it? 62 00:05:04,320 --> 00:05:07,392 Oh, that. It always gets lighter in the summer with the sun. 63 00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:09,556 - What do you think? - It's amazing! 64 00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:15,357 I wouldn't go that far! I'm surprised you've noticed. I don't think anyone else has. 65 00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:27,157 Right. Full attention, please, tiny tots. 66 00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:32,513 As you've seen from your actual in-depth bowel tour of an actual working hospital, 67 00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:35,313 it's full of sick people who want to get better. 68 00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:38,512 But a lot of them don't and they die in pain. Any questions? 69 00:05:38,640 --> 00:05:41,677 - Can we see the morgue? - No. Anything else? 70 00:05:45,120 --> 00:05:49,318 Good. Now, we are going to meet a very competent doctor 71 00:05:49,440 --> 00:05:53,991 and a close personal friend of mine, Dr Macartney. 72 00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:55,917 This way, youths. 73 00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:04,032 Right, Kimmy, I'm just off to this IT seminar. If anybody... 74 00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:10,188 Oh, you all think you're so titting funny, don't you? 75 00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:15,474 Of course, you realise I'll have to dock your wages for stationery wastage. 76 00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:21,592 Hiya. You're Highfield sixth form, yeah? 77 00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:25,518 I hear you want to ask me some questions. 78 00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:28,313 About medicine. 79 00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:30,317 No? Right, I'll piss off then. 80 00:06:30,440 --> 00:06:32,874 - Do you cut people up? - Er... yep. 81 00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:36,072 But only if they're asleep and if they ask me nicely. 82 00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:39,317 - Do you get to sleep with nurses? - Yep, it's in their contract. 83 00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:41,317 - Are you married? - No. 84 00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:42,555 - Are you? - No. 85 00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:44,989 - She's saving herself for "the one". - Shut up! 86 00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:47,873 Mac, they're bringing Mrs Foyle round. You wanted to be there. 87 00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:52,073 I'll be right there. I'm just gonna put a few people off a life in medicine. 88 00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:53,952 - Hello. - Are you a doctor? 89 00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:55,274 Er, yes. 90 00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:57,231 - And are you married? - Goodness, no. 91 00:06:57,360 --> 00:06:59,920 She's still looking for "the one". 92 00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:07,435 (mouths ) 93 00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:10,632 Can I just say, you're looking absolutely fantastic. 94 00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:12,910 Thank you. 95 00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:18,239 Look at you. You look like a cross between Debbie Harry and Linda Evans from Dynasty. 96 00:07:18,360 --> 00:07:21,955 - Oh, you flatterer. - I used to think dyed hair was a bit trashy... 97 00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:25,152 It's not dyed, actually. It just goes lighter in the sun. 98 00:07:25,280 --> 00:07:29,159 Yeah, absolutely. We had a dog that did exactly that. 99 00:07:29,280 --> 00:07:31,953 Well, there we are... Ah, morning, Lyndon. 100 00:07:32,080 --> 00:07:34,514 - (mimics ) Morning, Lyndon. - (Joanna ) Whassup? 101 00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:36,995 Whassup? What's going down? What's the buzz? 102 00:07:37,120 --> 00:07:39,554 There's a house-warming, one of the doctors. 103 00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:42,274 - Which doctor? - Oogaga! Oogaga! 104 00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:44,277 It's a witch doctor. Oogaga... Carry on. 105 00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:47,949 - It's Caroline Todd. - Ah, the ragamuffin one. 106 00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:50,918 - Are you going? - I can't, I'm afraid. 107 00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:53,508 What about you, Mr Voodoo man? Are you invited? 108 00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:57,679 I don't think so. She's not going to invite someone of my seniority. 109 00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:00,314 She'll be sticking to the lower forms of pond life. 110 00:08:00,440 --> 00:08:05,389 - And what form of pond life am I? - I'd say you were a water boatman. 111 00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:06,635 Cool. 112 00:08:06,760 --> 00:08:11,117 Er, no. Not "cool", actually, because a fish would probably eat you. 113 00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:14,518 - Any final thoughts, Dr Todd? - Don't get ill. 114 00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:17,279 We make you all sleepy and do terrible things. 115 00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:18,628 Wise words, indeed. 116 00:08:18,760 --> 00:08:23,311 - She could be your "one". - OK, that's all we've got time for. Very good. 117 00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:26,512 Enjoy yourselves, have good lifes. It's been real. 118 00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:30,474 Right, young people. Chippy-choppy. Your coach awaits. Choppy-choppy! 119 00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:32,556 - I love him. - Hands off! 120 00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:39,356 - Well, that's them fucked up for life. - Yep. 121 00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:41,436 - Well done. - Thanks. 122 00:08:45,680 --> 00:08:47,671 - What would you do? - They don't ask questions like that. 123 00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:50,917 They can, it's called ethics. They can throw anything at you. 124 00:08:51,040 --> 00:08:53,156 So there's a five-year-old girl in a house? 125 00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:55,840 The house is on fire. If you run in and save the girl, 126 00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:58,474 the dangerous psychopath will shoot the mother in the head. 127 00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:01,194 - What are you gonna do?! - Right, OK. Erm... 128 00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:04,915 - I'll try and save both of them. - You can't save both, that's the point! 129 00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:07,429 - Right, OK. Well, I'd save the girl. - Why? 130 00:09:07,560 --> 00:09:12,156 Because she's younger. She's got more years of human life ahead of her. 131 00:09:12,280 --> 00:09:15,352 She's got an incurable disease. She's got five years to live, tops. 132 00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:18,597 - Nightmare. Erm... - Come on! That fire's catching hold! 133 00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:21,837 I'm still going for the kid, that's what the mother would want. 134 00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:25,111 - No, the mother is very selfish. - Then she deserves to die. 135 00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:27,993 - Ohh, they won't like that! - No, she doesn't deserve to die. 136 00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:32,557 - Come on, you're losing points! - I'm... I'm going in. I'm still getting the kid. 137 00:09:32,680 --> 00:09:34,875 - The mother? - The psychopath could change his mind. 138 00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:37,514 - Why would he? - I would talk to him. 139 00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:42,077 I would say, "Hey, calm down. Don't do anything stupid, Steven. Give me the gun". 140 00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:44,191 - Steven? - I'd find out his name first. 141 00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:48,598 - What's his star sign? I'm joking! - Right. "Calm down, Steven. I'm a doctor..." 142 00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:49,835 Aaagh! 143 00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:53,748 That's the girl dying horribly in the fire. You took too long. Burnt to a crisp. 144 00:09:53,880 --> 00:09:56,917 - Oh, my God. She was quite poorly, though. - Bang! 145 00:09:57,040 --> 00:09:59,508 - What's that? - Mummy's dead. Bang! 146 00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:02,712 - Steven. - No, his name was Jason. You lose. 147 00:10:03,920 --> 00:10:05,751 Work! 148 00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:08,348 They don't ask questions like that. 149 00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:17,033 - What if nobody comes? - Why wouldn't they? 150 00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:20,675 I haven't been here that long, and I'm not exactly Miss Popular. 151 00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:22,870 Oh, don't be silly. 152 00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:24,956 Anyway, I am. 153 00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:35,191 Come on, come on! 154 00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:43,357 I am just saying that my genes come from intellectuals 155 00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:46,631 and yours come from potato-digging shillelagh strummers. 156 00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:50,548 Right, shillelagh is a stick. Why would you want to strum a stick? 157 00:10:50,680 --> 00:10:52,830 That's my point. How stupid can you get? 158 00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:56,873 Martin, what do you think of when I say the word "Switzerland" to you? 159 00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:59,468 - You've never said it before. - I'm saying it now. 160 00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:02,319 - And don't say Phil Collins lives there. - Does he? 161 00:11:02,440 --> 00:11:07,560 Shut your eyes, think of Switzerland - what do you see? 162 00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:09,432 - Nothing. - You must see something! 163 00:11:09,560 --> 00:11:12,632 - I don't have a visual memory, sorry. - I see something. 164 00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:18,551 I see a chocolate Phil Collins coming out of a clock every hour, to tidy up his Nazi gold. 165 00:11:18,680 --> 00:11:22,309 - That is a big lie. Here comes Jimmy Saville. - I like Phil Collins. 166 00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:22,480 - (as Saville) Now then, now then. - What the hell are you lot laughing at? 167 00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:26,189 - (as Saville) Now then, now then. - What the hell are you lot laughing at? 168 00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:29,278 You of all people! At least I don't look like a girl. 169 00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:31,789 - Yeah, touché, touché, very good. - Absolutely. 170 00:11:31,920 --> 00:11:36,550 What I mean is, I don't look like a man-girl. Of course I look like a girl. 171 00:11:36,680 --> 00:11:39,831 Only this morning, someone said I looked like a Hollywood star. 172 00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:42,952 - It was Linda Evans, actually. - She should know. 173 00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:45,275 - Linda Evans said that? - No, she... she... 174 00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:49,996 Linda Evans from Dynasty, no less, so stick that in your orange pipe and choke on it... 175 00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:52,918 Dr Lena Zavaroni. 176 00:11:54,120 --> 00:11:58,398 - You were absolutely brilliant. - I know. Will you just fuck off?! 177 00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:07,676 - What are you wearing? - It's called a white coat. 178 00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:10,598 It's like the one you're wearing, only a tiny bit whiter. 179 00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:13,188 - What are you wearing tonight? - I hadn't thought. 180 00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:16,198 - I may have something new in the cupboard. - New? 181 00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:19,312 How can you just have something new in the cupboard? 182 00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:23,638 Forward planning. I often pick up the odd outfit on my day off. I hate panic buying. 183 00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:28,276 - What about you? - Yeah, I've got plenty of odd outfits. 184 00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:39,155 - (knock at door) - (Mac) Hiya. How are you? 185 00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:41,236 Hi. 186 00:12:42,280 --> 00:12:46,592 - You did say 12, didn't you? - You're right, I did, and you're bang on time. 187 00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:51,316 Could you hold this chair steady? It keeps swivelling around here. 188 00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:53,431 I just need to put something up here. 189 00:12:53,560 --> 00:12:57,030 - OK, I've got you. - (groaning) OK, OK, OK. 190 00:12:57,160 --> 00:12:59,913 And it's... in. 191 00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:05,953 - Lovely. I, erm... - Lovely. Right, well, thanks. Thanks for that. 192 00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:10,278 Thanks, Mac. Now, how can I help you? 193 00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:14,393 I was wondering if you could sign this application form for me? 194 00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:18,354 Yeah, of course I can. Let's have a look at those details, shall we? 195 00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:21,472 - It's just at the bottom there. - Still single, I see? 196 00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:24,797 - I find that hard to believe. - Yeah. 197 00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:35,836 What? 198 00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:37,916 - (whispers ) Angela. - Hm? 199 00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:41,116 - Angela. - Hm? 200 00:13:41,680 --> 00:13:43,716 - Angela! - Hm? 201 00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:46,718 I might have got a pen top stuck in my nose. 202 00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:50,276 Let's have a look. 203 00:13:51,320 --> 00:13:52,639 Oh! 204 00:13:52,760 --> 00:13:55,593 - Aw. How on earth did you do that? - No, I wasn't picking! 205 00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:59,633 My hand was on my head and I slipped, and the top of my pen just... 206 00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:01,716 OK, let's have a look. 207 00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:06,235 (sharp intake of breath ) Ooh! 208 00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:08,032 Try blowing it out. 209 00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:10,993 No. Blowing it out through your nose. 210 00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:14,793 No, no. You see, no... Come along. 211 00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:22,995 So, perhaps if you could just sign here? Just at the bottom. 212 00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:25,076 All righty. Here we go. 213 00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:28,916 That's great. Thank you very much. 214 00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:30,996 Thank you. Thank you. 215 00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:34,396 Very good. 216 00:14:35,520 --> 00:14:37,670 There you go. All right. 217 00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:39,711 - Thank you, Dr Macartney. - Thank you. 218 00:14:39,840 --> 00:14:43,389 You know something? You are gonna make a wonderful consultant. 219 00:14:43,520 --> 00:14:45,636 That's very kind of you. See you later. 220 00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:47,557 Bye-bye. Bye-bye, now. 221 00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:57,150 - Hello, girls. - What's up with her? 222 00:14:57,280 --> 00:15:00,317 - I thought we were going to A&E. - We are, sort of. 223 00:15:00,440 --> 00:15:03,671 - Is Harriet around? - I think she's feeding the guinea pigs. 224 00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:05,677 - Are my ears burning? - Hello, Hatty. 225 00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:09,759 We've got a pen top, left nostril, slightly protruding. 226 00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:13,919 - Hello, snooks. - Hello, I'm Dr Todd. Pleased to meet you. 227 00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:16,076 Look at the fairies! 228 00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:18,156 There, done. 229 00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:20,953 Oh! That was incredible. 230 00:15:21,080 --> 00:15:23,992 Beads up noses, scraped knees or splinters - come to me. 231 00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:26,634 Thank you. Thanks very much. 232 00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:29,911 Look, I'm having a party tonight, and you're all invited. 233 00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:32,156 Back to work, back to work. 234 00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:40,069 So the second stage of the scan is the powerful pulse of radio waves 235 00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:42,634 which knock the protons out of alignment. 236 00:15:45,240 --> 00:15:47,196 Is that a mobile phone? 237 00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:50,071 Come on! 238 00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:52,270 Was what a mobile phone? 239 00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:55,517 - That noise. - I didn't hear a noise. Can you describe it? 240 00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:57,676 - Yes, it was a kind of chirrup. - Chirrup? 241 00:15:57,800 --> 00:16:00,075 Yes. Like, erm, "Chi-chi-chirrup". 242 00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:02,998 Could it have been a chaffinch stuck in a ventilation shaft? 243 00:16:03,120 --> 00:16:08,069 No, it wasn't a chaffinch, Mr Boyce. A chaffinch goes, "T-t-t-t-tweet-tu". 244 00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:11,473 - Chiffchaff? - A chiffchaff? 245 00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:15,354 I wonder what noise the onomatopoeically named chiffchaff might make. 246 00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:18,074 - A sort of chirrup noise? - Chiffchaff. 247 00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:23,274 "Chiffchaff. Chiffchaff. Chiffchaff. Chiffchaffchiffchaff". 248 00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:28,315 - You're beginning to sound a bit like a tit. - Come here. Come on. Arms up. 249 00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:32,672 - I'm unarmed, I swear to God. - Assume the position. 250 00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:35,317 - Stop that! 251 00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:38,398 - I can't help it. You've got masterful hands. - No, I haven't. 252 00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:40,078 A-ha! Here we are. 253 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:44,273 I assume this is of the utmost importance and can therefore be shared with the class. 254 00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:46,231 I'm not sure that, erm... 255 00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:48,635 "Hello B-C". 256 00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:51,798 - "Hello Boyce". - "Hello Boyce". 257 00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:53,478 - "I wnt..." - Want. 258 00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:55,511 Oh. "You" with a u, very clever. 259 00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:57,358 - "I want you to cm... ?" - Come. 260 00:16:57,480 --> 00:17:00,358 "I want you to come on my tts..." 261 00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:05,920 It's quite forward. She's a primary school teacher. 262 00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:07,996 Come here. 263 00:17:10,360 --> 00:17:14,353 So a primary school teacher sent you this poorly spelt barrage of filth? 264 00:17:14,480 --> 00:17:16,436 Yeah! I haven't phoned her for a while. 265 00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:19,472 What are they like in your depraved world? 266 00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:22,273 You know what women are like, hey, Rambo? 267 00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:26,552 The way they get keener when you get meaner and less available, more mysterious. 268 00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:28,511 They love all that. 269 00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:32,474 They'll do anything to a man they think is mysterious. 270 00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:39,160 - Enigmatic. - Stop! (babbles ) 271 00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:44,638 Enough! Because of Mr Boyce's diversion, we've run out of time for today, so, er... shoo. 272 00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:47,957 Yes, shoo, shoo, shoo. Go on. 273 00:17:48,080 --> 00:17:50,036 And you, shoo. 274 00:18:04,140 --> 00:18:06,973 - Something's troubling you. - No, nothing. Honestly. 275 00:18:07,100 --> 00:18:10,251 Don't lie to me, Martin. Do not lie to me. 276 00:18:10,380 --> 00:18:11,574 I am not lying! 277 00:18:11,700 --> 00:18:13,850 - Is it the party? - You know about the party? 278 00:18:13,980 --> 00:18:17,177 - Is the little party bothering you? - Yes. Yes, it is. 279 00:18:17,300 --> 00:18:20,258 Ha-ha! I knew it. You see, it wasn't that difficult, was it? 280 00:18:20,380 --> 00:18:24,771 - Are you gonna go? - Well, I haven't... yeah, haven't been invited. 281 00:18:24,900 --> 00:18:29,132 Thought maybe perhaps you could possibly maybe have a word with them, perhaps. 282 00:18:29,260 --> 00:18:32,536 - I could do, yeah. That's a good idea. - Is that, er... 283 00:18:32,660 --> 00:18:35,413 What's his name? Dr... Dr Macartney, is he going? 284 00:18:35,540 --> 00:18:38,850 - I think so, yeah. - Yep. I see, I see, I see. 285 00:18:38,980 --> 00:18:43,531 You see, the thing is, I think I need to get some clothes. 286 00:18:43,700 --> 00:18:48,216 You've got no clothes? Don't worry. Go in your white coat, you look splendid. 287 00:18:48,340 --> 00:18:53,050 No, no, no, I have got clothes, but I just haven't got anything cool. 288 00:18:53,180 --> 00:18:55,489 I don't know what kind of clothes women like. 289 00:18:55,620 --> 00:18:58,578 You're gonna go in women's clothes? 290 00:19:03,180 --> 00:19:05,853 Hmm, mysterious. 291 00:19:05,980 --> 00:19:07,936 Hmm. 292 00:19:17,140 --> 00:19:19,529 (phone rings ) 293 00:19:19,660 --> 00:19:20,695 Yeah? 294 00:19:20,820 --> 00:19:24,210 - (Alan ) Hello, it's me. - Yeah, what do you want? 295 00:19:24,340 --> 00:19:28,458 - I'm not in your office. - Yeah, so what about it? 296 00:19:28,580 --> 00:19:33,256 Normally I would have come to see you, but today, well... 297 00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:39,053 (sniggers ) 298 00:19:40,420 --> 00:19:44,049 - I have better things to do. - So? 299 00:19:44,180 --> 00:19:47,377 - So... - So piss off and do them! 300 00:19:49,700 --> 00:19:51,258 Hm! 301 00:19:51,380 --> 00:19:56,249 I rather think the lady hath a fish-hook in her lip. 302 00:20:08,340 --> 00:20:09,568 That's it. 303 00:20:09,700 --> 00:20:11,656 Get your kit off. 304 00:20:12,780 --> 00:20:14,418 Kit off! 305 00:20:14,540 --> 00:20:17,896 Right, now, if it's clothes you're after... 306 00:20:19,340 --> 00:20:21,934 how about these for starters? 307 00:20:28,460 --> 00:20:32,931 - OK, how's that? - Well, it's a bit crispy here. And here. 308 00:20:33,060 --> 00:20:36,655 Crispy? Creeping Jesus! These are supposed to have been washed. 309 00:20:36,780 --> 00:20:40,489 Washed? Washed? What, it's not new? 310 00:20:40,620 --> 00:20:45,011 No, it's not new! Why would I have a box of new clothes in my office? 311 00:20:45,140 --> 00:20:49,691 No. No, Martin, it's not new. This is the dead box. 312 00:20:49,820 --> 00:20:53,335 - These are the clothes of dead people? - Name hasn't fooled you, then. 313 00:20:53,460 --> 00:20:57,373 - That is disgusting! - Don't be soft, there's nothing wrong with it. 314 00:20:57,500 --> 00:21:00,810 Look. Fatal RTA, fatal RTA, 315 00:21:00,940 --> 00:21:02,214 stroke victim. 316 00:21:02,340 --> 00:21:04,900 I waited three days for these. Saves me a fortune. 317 00:21:05,020 --> 00:21:08,569 But if it's not good enough for you, I'll have to take you shopping. 318 00:21:08,700 --> 00:21:10,816 Oh, brilliant(!) 319 00:21:10,940 --> 00:21:13,977 Well, not now, you fucking twat! Out! 320 00:21:16,060 --> 00:21:18,938 Go and dance with your midget elf friends! 321 00:21:30,220 --> 00:21:32,176 - Hi. - Hey. 322 00:21:36,940 --> 00:21:39,329 If you had to kill someone out of work, could you? 323 00:21:39,460 --> 00:21:41,735 What? Kill an unemployed person? 324 00:21:41,860 --> 00:21:45,853 No, no. Outside of work, not at the hospital. 325 00:21:45,980 --> 00:21:49,370 - Hm, I don't know. - I reckon I could, if they came at me. 326 00:21:49,500 --> 00:21:52,936 - Yeah? What, hand-to-hand? - Yeah, if they had a sword or something. 327 00:21:53,060 --> 00:21:55,290 I reckon reflexes would take over. 328 00:21:55,420 --> 00:21:59,459 If somebody came at me with a sword, my reflex would be to run away. 329 00:21:59,580 --> 00:22:03,858 Sometimes you're not in a running-away mood, or maybe I've got a sword as well. 330 00:22:03,980 --> 00:22:07,575 - How come you both have swords? - Maybe we're in a sword shop. 331 00:22:07,700 --> 00:22:10,897 That local sword shop down the road on the high street? 332 00:22:11,020 --> 00:22:13,853 Yeah. So we're in a sword shop and he comes at me. 333 00:22:13,980 --> 00:22:17,211 I reckon I'd be ready. I reckon I could take him... Oh, shit! 334 00:22:17,340 --> 00:22:20,810 Forgot the blower thing. Where do I... just poke... 335 00:22:21,860 --> 00:22:25,409 What if you had an important ally? 336 00:22:25,540 --> 00:22:29,294 You know, someone high up in the hospital management, 337 00:22:29,420 --> 00:22:34,335 someone sophisticated and slightly older, maybe, 338 00:22:34,460 --> 00:22:38,419 who could, erm, help you, if you get my meaning? 339 00:22:38,540 --> 00:22:43,056 That would be unfair. And, like I say, my wages really are fine, thanks. 340 00:22:43,180 --> 00:22:46,456 Lyndon, Lyndon, you're forgetting, I am Head of Human Resources. 341 00:22:46,580 --> 00:22:50,573 I know exactly how much you earn. (Joanna laughs ) 342 00:22:50,700 --> 00:22:54,090 You forget I'm head of the database. I know exactly how... 343 00:22:54,220 --> 00:22:56,176 slightly older you are. 344 00:23:00,260 --> 00:23:02,410 (Joanna ) Gorgeous shoes. 345 00:23:07,420 --> 00:23:10,139 - Watch your head. - Sorry. 346 00:23:10,260 --> 00:23:13,218 - Really interesting article. - Yeah. 347 00:23:17,340 --> 00:23:20,491 - I could kill everyone with a baseball cap. - With one baseball cap? 348 00:23:20,620 --> 00:23:25,489 No, if you get everyone together, all wearing baseball caps, I'd happily kill them. 349 00:23:25,620 --> 00:23:26,973 - With a sword? - (Guy ) Yeah. 350 00:23:27,100 --> 00:23:30,888 - Of course you could. - What if you had to kill your own dad? 351 00:23:31,020 --> 00:23:33,898 OK, she's out of here. Thank you very much. 352 00:23:34,020 --> 00:23:38,775 We're very, very lucky to have people like you working in the caring profession. 353 00:23:38,900 --> 00:23:40,856 - (insistent beeping) - Oh, shit! 354 00:23:43,100 --> 00:23:45,136 - Be OK. - (beeping returns to normal) 355 00:23:45,260 --> 00:23:47,535 Yeah, you don't fool me, sleepy. 356 00:23:47,660 --> 00:23:49,616 Whoo-tah! 357 00:23:53,820 --> 00:23:57,051 You like this? Look. Hmm? 358 00:23:57,180 --> 00:23:59,136 Have you got a hoodie? 359 00:24:02,340 --> 00:24:04,376 Well? 360 00:24:04,500 --> 00:24:06,855 I'm circumcised, actually. 361 00:24:10,300 --> 00:24:13,770 - A hoodie. - Oh, a hoodie. Hood, yes. 362 00:24:13,900 --> 00:24:17,734 Well, this makes you look like you're in a gang, so... 363 00:24:18,660 --> 00:24:20,616 I know what you're thinking. 364 00:24:20,740 --> 00:24:22,696 I'm not Jewish. 365 00:24:30,900 --> 00:24:32,777 Take a seat. 366 00:24:32,900 --> 00:24:35,972 Look, has this something to do with Joanna Clore? 367 00:24:36,100 --> 00:24:38,170 Do you want to talk about it? 368 00:24:38,300 --> 00:24:40,495 If there's a problem, I'm sure we can... 369 00:24:40,620 --> 00:24:42,975 No, really, I think we... 370 00:25:11,020 --> 00:25:13,853 I'm not sure that I'm with you here. 371 00:25:24,180 --> 00:25:26,136 Fucking hell! 372 00:25:35,420 --> 00:25:39,015 - Are you all right, Fartin? - Don't listen to him. 373 00:25:39,140 --> 00:25:41,370 I think he's quite excited about the party. 374 00:25:41,500 --> 00:25:44,936 Yeah, just, er, practising my dancing. 375 00:25:45,060 --> 00:25:47,415 I think my moves are getting a little bit funky. 376 00:25:47,540 --> 00:25:49,690 - Funkay. - Funky. 377 00:25:49,820 --> 00:25:52,175 - No, funkay. - Funky. 378 00:25:53,660 --> 00:25:55,252 - No, funkay. - Funky. 379 00:25:55,380 --> 00:25:56,495 - Funkay. - Funky. 380 00:25:56,620 --> 00:25:59,009 - Say it with me: funkay. - Funky. 381 00:25:59,140 --> 00:26:00,812 - Oh, for Christ's sake. - Funky. 382 00:26:00,940 --> 00:26:02,692 - No, funkay. - Funky. 383 00:26:02,820 --> 00:26:04,811 No. (clears throat) Ready? 384 00:26:04,940 --> 00:26:08,489 - Funkay. Funkay. - Funky. Funky. 385 00:26:08,620 --> 00:26:11,771 - Funkay. Funkay. - Funky! 386 00:26:11,900 --> 00:26:14,653 - Funkaaay! - Yeah, all right. 387 00:26:14,780 --> 00:26:16,338 - Funkay. - Funky. 388 00:26:21,780 --> 00:26:27,218 - Alan, what the fuck have you been up to? - You know, things. My own... secret things. 389 00:26:27,340 --> 00:26:30,218 - Yeah, why? - Ah! Ha-ha! 390 00:26:30,340 --> 00:26:33,059 Are you ever going to stop being such an utter wanker? 391 00:26:33,180 --> 00:26:37,093 I don't care what you're feeling, but please don't damage hospital property. 392 00:26:37,220 --> 00:26:39,450 - Yeah, why? - I'm just saying this is a hospital, 393 00:26:39,580 --> 00:26:41,252 not some kind of a stunt show. 394 00:26:41,380 --> 00:26:43,974 - What do you think you're doing? - Ow! Ow! Ow, ow, ow! 395 00:26:44,100 --> 00:26:46,773 - Alan! - All right, I've been being mysterious. 396 00:26:46,900 --> 00:26:48,777 - Why? - You don't want to know why. 397 00:26:48,900 --> 00:26:50,174 - Yes, I do. - Ow! 398 00:26:50,300 --> 00:26:55,135 So you'll give me Mr Wanky with your finger in my back door, all right! 399 00:26:59,420 --> 00:27:02,378 We've finished the modules, so I'll just put them there. 400 00:27:02,500 --> 00:27:04,297 Yes. 401 00:27:04,420 --> 00:27:06,536 N-Nearly finished rehearsing the play. 402 00:27:06,660 --> 00:27:09,413 Just learning through our lines. 403 00:27:39,540 --> 00:27:42,373 Ah! I thought I hadn't seen much of you this afternoon. 404 00:27:42,500 --> 00:27:45,731 - Do you need a doctor? - Or will Mac do? 405 00:27:45,860 --> 00:27:50,138 No, no, I'm just wearing my shoes in for tonight. 406 00:27:50,260 --> 00:27:52,569 - You are both coming, aren't you? - Yeah, yeah. 407 00:27:52,700 --> 00:27:55,373 - Will there be many vertical people there? - I hope so. 408 00:27:55,500 --> 00:27:57,809 - Then so shall we. - Cool. 409 00:28:23,620 --> 00:28:27,056 Two lab technicians and a porter? I told you no one would come. 410 00:28:27,180 --> 00:28:31,856 - Everyone's probably having fun in the pub. - No, no, they wouldn't do that. 411 00:28:31,980 --> 00:28:34,619 Oh, beer number two? We could get some dancing going. 412 00:28:34,740 --> 00:28:36,935 - It's a bit early for that. - Have a nibble. 413 00:28:37,060 --> 00:28:39,255 - Not right now. - Just to line your stomach. 414 00:28:39,380 --> 00:28:41,336 No, not right now. 415 00:28:47,180 --> 00:28:50,570 - I can match you drink for drink. - She's got spunk but can she back it up? 416 00:28:50,700 --> 00:28:52,850 - Another? - Let's do two, straight down. 417 00:28:52,980 --> 00:28:55,050 - Oh, God! - Fighting talk from the brunette. 418 00:28:55,180 --> 00:28:59,093 Barman, six of your finest morphine mind-warpers please. 419 00:28:59,220 --> 00:29:01,575 This will blow your tits off. 420 00:29:03,540 --> 00:29:05,496 I'm going to be sick. 421 00:29:06,820 --> 00:29:08,492 It's just you and me. 422 00:29:08,620 --> 00:29:13,171 If you're still standing after this, I'll let you put my hand in your pants. 423 00:29:19,460 --> 00:29:21,416 Still standing. 424 00:29:44,580 --> 00:29:46,377 (phone rings ) 425 00:29:46,500 --> 00:29:48,809 - Yeah? - I can see you. 426 00:29:49,860 --> 00:29:52,135 - What? - I ask the questions! 427 00:29:52,260 --> 00:29:55,650 - Go on, then. - I can see everything you're doing. 428 00:29:55,780 --> 00:29:59,090 - Who are you supposed to be exactly? - My name is irrelevant. 429 00:29:59,220 --> 00:30:04,453 And you asked a question. I asked you not to ask it. Don't, otherwise, there... 430 00:30:04,580 --> 00:30:07,219 - Er, hello. - Ah, you must be Mr Irrelevant. 431 00:30:07,340 --> 00:30:10,093 What are you going to do to me now then, mystery man? 432 00:30:10,220 --> 00:30:13,132 I'm gonna push you into a car, drive you to a secret location 433 00:30:13,260 --> 00:30:16,696 - and do unspeakable things to you. - Ooh, unspeakable things. 434 00:30:16,820 --> 00:30:19,129 Yes. 435 00:30:19,260 --> 00:30:23,412 Could you... could you drive? Because I've just got the bike, and I'm not insured. 436 00:30:23,540 --> 00:30:26,418 I have to do my own abduction? God, I have to do everything! 437 00:30:26,540 --> 00:30:31,739 Well, no, it'll be all right, because it'll be very unpleasant for you. 438 00:30:33,060 --> 00:30:35,016 Boycie's pulled. 439 00:30:35,140 --> 00:30:37,051 - Er, cool. - Yeah? 440 00:30:37,180 --> 00:30:38,533 No shit! 441 00:30:38,660 --> 00:30:40,173 Hiya. 442 00:30:40,300 --> 00:30:43,929 Brace yourself, girls, the class has arrived. 443 00:30:44,060 --> 00:30:45,652 Ohh! 444 00:30:45,780 --> 00:30:47,736 Oh, all right. 445 00:30:49,020 --> 00:30:50,976 - Rachel. - Well remembered. 446 00:30:51,100 --> 00:30:54,570 - Have you got a dog, Rachel? - Yeah, a Westie. Well, it's my mum's. 447 00:30:54,700 --> 00:30:56,850 - Do you let it lick your face? - Sometimes. 448 00:30:56,980 --> 00:30:58,936 Yeah, I thought so. Yuck! 449 00:31:00,820 --> 00:31:04,017 Oh, look! There goes a BFB. 450 00:31:04,140 --> 00:31:06,096 - What's that? - Better from behind. 451 00:31:06,220 --> 00:31:07,448 You're so sensitive! 452 00:31:07,580 --> 00:31:12,529 Fashion tip. If you're getting skin wings, bra's too tight. 453 00:31:19,580 --> 00:31:22,697 - Goths are superb. - Yeah, and the point of them is? 454 00:31:22,820 --> 00:31:26,369 I love the way they pretend they're being ugly on purpose. It's genius. 455 00:31:26,500 --> 00:31:27,979 Hey, look. 456 00:31:28,100 --> 00:31:31,092 It's the love child of Wayne Sleep and Godzilla. 457 00:31:31,220 --> 00:31:33,654 What are you? The eighth dwarf, Twatty? 458 00:31:33,780 --> 00:31:36,738 Even if you were from the future, you'd still be wrong. 459 00:31:36,860 --> 00:31:40,489 Do you know what I like about this outfit? Fuck all! 460 00:31:44,900 --> 00:31:47,733 Then I thought, because I would wear the balaclava... 461 00:31:47,860 --> 00:31:51,011 - That might help. Put it on. - I'd rather save it till later. 462 00:31:51,140 --> 00:31:53,176 - I've got an intolerance to wool. - Show me. 463 00:31:53,300 --> 00:31:56,417 Well, I'll do it for a bit, but if I go blotchy... 464 00:31:56,540 --> 00:31:58,849 - I can do it, I can do it. - Yeah, yeah. 465 00:31:58,980 --> 00:32:01,210 No, that might help. I'll just get my coat. 466 00:32:01,340 --> 00:32:04,412 It's going to be very bad for you in the woods. 467 00:32:04,540 --> 00:32:08,977 - Evening, Dr Statham. - Er, erm... Yes, good evening. 468 00:32:09,860 --> 00:32:12,055 - Can you do any other voices? - Erm... 469 00:32:12,180 --> 00:32:14,853 - (Indian accent) A Mexican bandit. - I don't think so. 470 00:32:14,980 --> 00:32:18,131 Erm... Er... An American. 471 00:32:18,260 --> 00:32:20,137 Oh, this is very itchy. 472 00:32:20,260 --> 00:32:21,454 Well, um... 473 00:32:21,580 --> 00:32:23,889 - Anyone else? - (Indian accent) Marlon Brando. 474 00:32:35,380 --> 00:32:37,894 Hi. 475 00:32:38,020 --> 00:32:40,693 - Have you seen Caroline? - No. 476 00:32:40,820 --> 00:32:43,857 - I'm Karen. - I'm Martin. 477 00:32:43,980 --> 00:32:46,494 - I know. - How do you do? 478 00:32:54,660 --> 00:32:57,618 So, you and Angela... 479 00:32:57,740 --> 00:32:59,731 Me and Angela. 480 00:32:59,860 --> 00:33:02,215 Angela and you. 481 00:33:02,340 --> 00:33:05,412 - You seem to be seeing a lot of each other. - Oh, yes. 482 00:33:05,540 --> 00:33:10,409 Funny, I wasn't really looking for a relationship but she is irresistible, isn't she? 483 00:33:10,540 --> 00:33:13,850 Well, I have managed to resist so far. 484 00:33:13,980 --> 00:33:19,532 Do you know, I don't think I've ever been out with anyone so absolutely perfect. 485 00:33:21,540 --> 00:33:25,613 Although... she does dance a bit like a wolf. 486 00:33:26,580 --> 00:33:28,536 Yeah. Odd, that. 487 00:33:32,860 --> 00:33:34,896 - You're a doctor, aren't you? - Yeah. 488 00:33:35,020 --> 00:33:36,976 You look just like one. 489 00:33:40,260 --> 00:33:42,137 Is your wife a doctor? 490 00:33:42,260 --> 00:33:44,490 Wife? No, she's not. 491 00:33:44,620 --> 00:33:46,770 I mean, I don't have a wife. 492 00:33:48,060 --> 00:33:50,415 Is your girlfriend a doctor? 493 00:33:51,460 --> 00:33:53,894 - ( quietly ) I don't have a girlfriend. - What? 494 00:33:54,020 --> 00:33:56,898 (shouts ) I don't have a girlfriend! 495 00:33:57,020 --> 00:33:58,976 Shame. 496 00:34:10,340 --> 00:34:13,377 - Morning, Lesley. - Evening, you mean. 497 00:34:22,980 --> 00:34:25,096 I fell asleep. 498 00:34:25,220 --> 00:34:27,450 Wrong sort of nine o'clock. 499 00:34:35,860 --> 00:34:39,614 - You're funny. - Yeah? Trick of the light. 500 00:34:50,220 --> 00:34:52,450 That is fucking brilliant. 501 00:35:00,980 --> 00:35:03,653 - Wah! - Wah! 502 00:35:03,780 --> 00:35:09,377 Have I, erm... ever told you about the little pink rabbit? 503 00:35:09,500 --> 00:35:11,331 Er, no. No, I don't think you have. 504 00:35:11,460 --> 00:35:17,933 The, erm, you know, little pink rabbit that lives down a little magic rabbit hole? 505 00:35:18,060 --> 00:35:21,530 I think I'd have remembered that. Yeah. 506 00:35:21,660 --> 00:35:26,336 Some people think the little pink rabbit doesn't exist 507 00:35:26,460 --> 00:35:29,975 because they haven't been able to find it. 508 00:35:30,100 --> 00:35:32,216 - Really? - Yeah. 509 00:35:32,340 --> 00:35:36,253 - Do you think you'd be able to find it? - I could have a guess. 510 00:35:36,380 --> 00:35:39,417 I don't mind you having a stab in the dark. 511 00:35:39,540 --> 00:35:42,008 Does the rabbit live in an enchanted forest? 512 00:35:42,140 --> 00:35:43,858 Yeah. Yes, yes, it does. 513 00:35:43,980 --> 00:35:47,256 Does the rabbit only pop his little head out every once in a while? 514 00:35:47,380 --> 00:35:48,529 - Yes! - Yeah. 515 00:35:48,660 --> 00:35:52,448 - Does the rabbit like a nice big carrot? - Absolutely! 516 00:35:52,580 --> 00:35:55,811 Can I say one thing? Haven't got a clue what I'm talking about. 517 00:35:55,940 --> 00:35:58,500 - Yeah, you have. - I haven't. Have not. 518 00:35:58,620 --> 00:36:00,576 - You have! - No, have not. 519 00:36:01,460 --> 00:36:03,576 Don't you worry, Mr Bunny, 520 00:36:03,700 --> 00:36:05,656 we're not finished yet. 521 00:36:09,700 --> 00:36:13,056 - Oh, yeah, I bought that. - Wise choice, Martin. 522 00:36:13,180 --> 00:36:15,455 Château de la Shite. Yeah. 523 00:36:22,380 --> 00:36:23,335 - Yeah... - Nice? 524 00:36:23,460 --> 00:36:25,769 Pure tramp juice. 525 00:36:25,900 --> 00:36:28,175 Well, I've got my own criteria actually. 526 00:36:28,300 --> 00:36:32,691 Really? Let me guess. Anything that's £4.99, cos £2.99 is a bit low, a tenner's too much. 527 00:36:32,820 --> 00:36:37,814 So you stand there and think, "I really should buy a Chablis but fuck it, it's only a party". 528 00:36:37,940 --> 00:36:40,454 "I can't be bothered". So what you end up with is this. 529 00:36:40,580 --> 00:36:44,493 I mean, vin de pays for what you get. And what you get is shite. 530 00:36:44,620 --> 00:36:46,656 - Now, am I right? - No. 531 00:36:46,780 --> 00:36:51,217 Yeah, well, I am actually, mate, because I have exactly the same... 532 00:36:51,340 --> 00:36:56,095 They're weeping. ..I have exactly the same criteria myself. 533 00:36:56,220 --> 00:36:59,132 - Yeah, all right, I admit it. I did. - Yeah! 534 00:36:59,260 --> 00:37:02,013 I fucking knew it, you pleb! 535 00:37:02,380 --> 00:37:04,735 It's my turn. 536 00:37:04,860 --> 00:37:09,092 And if you get this one wrong, you have to, erm... take a shower. 537 00:37:09,220 --> 00:37:11,017 - Are you ready? - All right. 538 00:37:11,140 --> 00:37:12,858 OK. Kim. 539 00:37:12,980 --> 00:37:19,419 On an x-ray of which organ would you find endocarditis of the tricuspid valve? 540 00:37:20,340 --> 00:37:22,137 Is it Brazil? 541 00:37:22,260 --> 00:37:24,854 I'm sorry. That's the incorrect answer. 542 00:37:24,980 --> 00:37:26,208 Damn. 543 00:37:26,340 --> 00:37:29,696 I'm afraid I'm gonna have to make you wet. 544 00:37:45,020 --> 00:37:49,616 There are some neurologists over there. I think they can help you. 545 00:37:49,740 --> 00:37:54,575 What's the difference between jumping on a trampoline and jumping on a baby? 546 00:37:54,700 --> 00:37:56,611 Erm... 547 00:37:56,740 --> 00:38:00,335 You have to take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline. 548 00:38:00,460 --> 00:38:03,896 - Not if it's your trampoline. - True. 549 00:38:04,020 --> 00:38:05,976 Funny though, isn't it? 550 00:38:19,620 --> 00:38:21,292 - Drive! - I am. 551 00:38:21,420 --> 00:38:23,695 - Keep doing so. - Where? 552 00:38:23,820 --> 00:38:26,937 - Go right here, now. - Right. 553 00:38:27,060 --> 00:38:29,813 - Did you indicate? - (sighs ) Yes. 554 00:38:29,940 --> 00:38:33,012 - Into second. - You sound like a driving instructor now. 555 00:38:33,140 --> 00:38:35,938 Shut up! I make the rules here. 556 00:38:36,060 --> 00:38:38,654 You'll be tapping the dashboard with your clipboard. 557 00:38:38,780 --> 00:38:40,930 You shut up! I'm in charge. 558 00:38:43,020 --> 00:38:46,057 - I'm getting quite itchy. - Keep it on. 559 00:38:46,980 --> 00:38:50,768 - I'm your worst nightmare. - Yeah, you're telling me. 560 00:38:50,900 --> 00:38:53,050 The degree of menace is killing me. 561 00:38:53,180 --> 00:38:55,853 I'm steaming up. Can we have the heater off? 562 00:39:08,180 --> 00:39:11,058 - Are you OK? - Yeah, I'm all right. 563 00:39:14,300 --> 00:39:16,939 Listen, you're a woman... 564 00:39:17,060 --> 00:39:18,971 Well, a female. 565 00:39:19,100 --> 00:39:23,571 If someone fancied you... well, more than fancied you, they loved you, 566 00:39:23,700 --> 00:39:27,659 and they wanted to tell you but they weren't sure of the response, 567 00:39:27,780 --> 00:39:30,294 but they did it anyway, would you slap them? 568 00:39:30,420 --> 00:39:34,299 - Maybe I'd be pleased. - I don't think she's gonna be pleased. 569 00:39:34,420 --> 00:39:36,490 - You don't know that. - I do know that. 570 00:39:36,620 --> 00:39:39,009 Because no one's ever fancied me before, ever. 571 00:39:39,140 --> 00:39:41,051 What about me? 572 00:39:41,180 --> 00:39:44,729 What, has no woman ever fancied you either? 573 00:39:46,500 --> 00:39:48,809 I really like you. 574 00:39:48,940 --> 00:39:54,060 Well, no offence, but I'm a bit sick and tired of girls saying they "like" me. 575 00:39:54,180 --> 00:39:58,458 - It's not the same as "fancy", is it? - I'd sleep with you if you wanted. 576 00:39:58,580 --> 00:40:00,775 Yeah, as a friend. 577 00:40:02,300 --> 00:40:04,860 You're very, very attractive. 578 00:40:05,980 --> 00:40:08,255 Yeah, I know, but she doesn't think so. 579 00:40:08,380 --> 00:40:10,416 She just thinks I'm nice. 580 00:40:22,340 --> 00:40:25,093 Do you want to play with my Slinky? 581 00:40:28,320 --> 00:40:30,276 Drink. 582 00:40:42,880 --> 00:40:44,950 Stop the car now! 583 00:40:45,080 --> 00:40:49,995 All right, Mr Forceful. Time to have your mysterious way with me. 584 00:40:50,120 --> 00:40:53,999 Are you telling me that Mr Frankfurter can look inside the button? 585 00:40:54,120 --> 00:40:55,348 Mm. 586 00:40:55,480 --> 00:40:57,277 Ah ah ah! 587 00:40:57,400 --> 00:40:59,960 Out there, in the park. 588 00:41:00,080 --> 00:41:02,674 - The gates are locked. - We can climb the fence. 589 00:41:02,800 --> 00:41:04,950 We're not allowed to, my sexy darling! 590 00:41:05,080 --> 00:41:08,356 "Allowed"? "Allowed"? What sort of a mystery kidnapper are you? 591 00:41:08,480 --> 00:41:11,040 One that's loathe to contravene the local bylaws. 592 00:41:11,160 --> 00:41:15,358 - You're like a bloody local councillor now. - Can we not have it in here? 593 00:41:15,480 --> 00:41:18,472 All right, yes, get out of the car, you! Get out! 594 00:41:18,600 --> 00:41:20,556 Right! Over there! 595 00:41:41,900 --> 00:41:43,970 - So have you given up on her? - Far from it. 596 00:41:44,100 --> 00:41:46,091 It's all part of the grand scheme. 597 00:41:46,220 --> 00:41:48,859 Anyway, she's TDTF. 598 00:41:48,980 --> 00:41:51,050 She's certainly TDTD. 599 00:41:51,180 --> 00:41:54,616 Er... too drunk to dick. Doodle. Defecate. 600 00:41:55,660 --> 00:41:58,299 - Dance. - Yeah. Watch and learn. 601 00:42:34,620 --> 00:42:38,056 - Caroline, Caroline... - Not now, Martin. 602 00:42:49,780 --> 00:42:51,850 - (Alan ) Up you go. - (Joanna ) Ohh! 603 00:42:51,980 --> 00:42:55,211 - (Alan ) I could be Robert Kilroy-Silk? - (Joanna ) No. 604 00:42:55,340 --> 00:42:56,295 Fuck! 605 00:42:56,420 --> 00:42:59,253 - (Alan ) What about Charlton Heston? - (Joanna ) No. 606 00:42:59,380 --> 00:43:02,736 (Alan ) Or... No, wait, he'd be too small. 607 00:43:04,780 --> 00:43:06,736 (Joanna ) Get off! 608 00:43:18,620 --> 00:43:22,249 - Shit, are you going? - Yeah, I thought I'd better. 609 00:43:22,380 --> 00:43:27,249 - You don't want to... stay here? - In the hall? 610 00:43:27,380 --> 00:43:30,178 You could sleep in my bed. You let me sleep in yours once. 611 00:43:30,300 --> 00:43:32,450 And where would you sleep? 612 00:43:33,500 --> 00:43:37,334 Maybe I wouldn't be doing much sleeping. 613 00:43:39,820 --> 00:43:41,458 - Are you all right? - Yeah. 614 00:43:41,580 --> 00:43:44,731 - So, do you want to spend the night? - Yes. 615 00:43:47,940 --> 00:43:50,852 - But only when it's right. - When would it be right? 616 00:43:50,980 --> 00:43:53,574 Soon. 617 00:43:53,700 --> 00:43:56,134 - It's not right now? - No. 618 00:43:58,020 --> 00:44:01,615 - Are you sure it will be all right? - If we spend some special time together. 619 00:44:01,740 --> 00:44:06,052 We just need to... work up to it until we feel... 620 00:44:06,180 --> 00:44:09,934 we're about to... explode. 621 00:44:31,660 --> 00:44:35,289 - I think I might explode now. - You have to wait. 622 00:44:38,500 --> 00:44:40,456 We have to wait. 623 00:44:40,980 --> 00:44:42,936 Yes. 624 00:45:09,660 --> 00:45:12,174 I'm just gonna get something from my coat. 625 00:45:12,300 --> 00:45:14,734 - Crack cocaine? - No, thank you. 626 00:45:21,740 --> 00:45:24,129 All right. 627 00:45:24,260 --> 00:45:26,330 You are a strong, manly man. 628 00:45:26,460 --> 00:45:29,133 You are a strong, manly man. 629 00:45:29,260 --> 00:45:31,296 - Thanks very much. - Boycie! 630 00:45:31,420 --> 00:45:35,652 You're gonna crash here? Great, we could have a slumber party! Talk about girls... 631 00:45:35,780 --> 00:45:38,374 - Piss off, Martin! - Kim, what are you doing here? 632 00:45:38,500 --> 00:45:40,536 - Having sex. - Good. 633 00:45:40,660 --> 00:45:43,049 Well, OK, I'll go somewhere else. 634 00:45:43,180 --> 00:45:46,695 We'll have that slumber party thing another time, though? 635 00:45:48,300 --> 00:45:50,256 Yeah, man. 636 00:45:55,980 --> 00:45:58,335 Right, show no fear. 637 00:45:58,460 --> 00:46:00,894 No fear. Grrrr! 638 00:46:01,020 --> 00:46:02,453 - (knock at door) - Yeah? 639 00:46:02,580 --> 00:46:06,334 - (man ) Are you all right in there? - Yeah, fine. Erm... 640 00:46:07,780 --> 00:46:10,817 I love you. No. (gruffly) I love you. 641 00:46:14,460 --> 00:46:16,178 Bye. Bye. 642 00:46:16,300 --> 00:46:18,734 Oh! Who are you? 643 00:46:18,860 --> 00:46:21,772 Oh! Ah. Thanks for coming. 644 00:46:21,900 --> 00:46:24,175 Oh! You were here? 645 00:46:24,300 --> 00:46:26,530 Well, thank you for coming. 646 00:46:26,660 --> 00:46:30,448 Thank you, Doctor Trodd, for inviting me to your party. 647 00:46:30,580 --> 00:46:36,530 I didn't know I did, but you're here and now you are going, so that's all that matters. 648 00:46:43,460 --> 00:46:45,416 I've been sick. 649 00:46:45,540 --> 00:46:48,179 Well, so have I. 650 00:46:48,300 --> 00:46:52,009 And I am completely shaved. 651 00:46:53,180 --> 00:46:55,569 Oh, my God. 652 00:46:55,700 --> 00:46:59,010 Bye-bye, then. I'll see you at work. 653 00:46:59,140 --> 00:47:01,529 (hums tune) 654 00:47:01,660 --> 00:47:04,094 - I'm partially shaved. - (gasps ) 655 00:47:04,220 --> 00:47:07,257 - Are you leaving? - Well, no. Not necessarily. 656 00:47:07,380 --> 00:47:10,611 Oh, God. So I don't have to kiss you, then. 657 00:47:10,740 --> 00:47:13,254 Although I have got exams, so perhaps I should. 658 00:47:13,380 --> 00:47:15,211 - Aw, have you? - Yeah. 659 00:47:15,340 --> 00:47:16,295 Oh. 660 00:47:16,420 --> 00:47:19,935 Oh, well. Night-night, then, Martin. Thank you for coming. 661 00:47:23,020 --> 00:47:25,090 Oh, sorry. I'm so sorry. 662 00:47:25,220 --> 00:47:30,533 I'm a little bit stupid. It wasn't you I wanted, it was the kitten. 663 00:47:31,260 --> 00:47:33,216 Thank you. Thank you. 664 00:47:37,620 --> 00:47:42,535 Maybe I could stay a bit longer and leave again later. It's actually not that late. 665 00:47:43,980 --> 00:47:48,132 (Alan ) Oh, yes! At last, here we... Oh, the infidel is at the gates. 666 00:47:48,260 --> 00:47:50,455 (Joanna ) You'll have to knock a bit harder. 667 00:47:50,580 --> 00:47:53,811 - (Alan groans ) - (Joanna ) Ohhh! Yeah, yeah. 668 00:47:55,820 --> 00:47:58,971 - OK, what shall we drink to now, Martin? - Erm... 669 00:47:59,100 --> 00:48:03,252 - I know! Goats, with hooves. - OK. 670 00:48:03,380 --> 00:48:06,053 Goats with hooves. May they always be sure-footed 671 00:48:06,180 --> 00:48:11,334 and never fall from the mountain and break their spindly legs. 672 00:48:17,060 --> 00:48:19,051 Ohh! 673 00:48:19,180 --> 00:48:22,297 - Could you be drunk? - Yeah. She's had 21 shots of tequila. 674 00:48:22,420 --> 00:48:28,017 - (Caroline slurs ) 22. - Four shots of undiluted orange squash. 675 00:48:28,140 --> 00:48:31,416 - I bloody love her. - Yeah. We'd better get her to the bathroom. 676 00:48:31,540 --> 00:48:33,019 Come on. 677 00:48:33,140 --> 00:48:35,370 - (Joanna moans ) - (Alan ) Oh, yes. 678 00:48:35,500 --> 00:48:37,809 You're gonna have to pretend to be someone else. 679 00:48:37,940 --> 00:48:40,215 Perhaps you've come to mend something. 680 00:48:40,340 --> 00:48:43,138 Hello, I've come to mend an appliance for you. 681 00:48:43,260 --> 00:48:46,093 Be more specific and use a deeper voice. 682 00:48:46,220 --> 00:48:50,975 Right. Hello, I've come to fix some problem in your fax modem. 683 00:48:51,100 --> 00:48:53,660 - Let's have a feel where it... - That's more like it. 684 00:48:53,780 --> 00:48:55,850 - Ooh, there it is. - Yeah, go on. Sort me. 685 00:48:55,980 --> 00:48:57,299 Oh, yes! 686 00:48:58,100 --> 00:49:01,570 Oh, no, it's OK. It's OK, it's gone again. 687 00:49:03,700 --> 00:49:07,329 Oh, God. I'm so sorry. 688 00:49:07,460 --> 00:49:10,054 - I'm so sorry. I'm OK now. - Yeah? 689 00:49:10,180 --> 00:49:12,614 I've only eaten Hula Hoops today. 690 00:49:12,740 --> 00:49:14,696 Very good. 691 00:49:16,620 --> 00:49:20,329 - You're a very attractive man, aren't you? - Yeah, yeah, I know. 692 00:49:47,620 --> 00:49:49,690 - That was nice. - Mmm. 693 00:49:49,820 --> 00:49:54,974 But I feel I should remind you that you have just kissed a sicky mouth. 694 00:49:58,540 --> 00:50:01,179 - He's not worth it, Karen. - Yes, he is. 695 00:50:01,300 --> 00:50:03,416 - No, he isn't. - Yes, he is. 696 00:50:03,540 --> 00:50:05,770 - No, he isn't. - Yes, he is! 697 00:50:05,900 --> 00:50:09,415 - He's got pink trousers on, Karen! - I like them. 698 00:50:09,540 --> 00:50:13,249 Oh, get over it. He's not even a proper doctor. 699 00:50:31,020 --> 00:50:34,171 - I've got the... the water. - Excellent, excellent. 700 00:50:34,300 --> 00:50:35,813 Come on, let's get you up. 701 00:50:35,940 --> 00:50:41,936 I'm gonna leave you in the very capable hands of Dr Martin Dear. 702 00:50:42,060 --> 00:50:43,334 - OK? - OK. 703 00:50:43,460 --> 00:50:46,372 - Hope you feel better soon. - Thank you. I feel better already. 704 00:50:46,500 --> 00:50:49,378 - Thank you for coming to see me. - Thank you, Doctor. 705 00:50:49,500 --> 00:50:52,572 - Doctor. - Yes. Erm... 706 00:50:52,700 --> 00:50:54,656 Oh, sorry. Ohhh! 707 00:50:57,580 --> 00:51:00,697 - Listen, shall I just carry you to your room? - No. 708 00:51:00,820 --> 00:51:04,176 I think I'd probably crush you if you did. 709 00:51:11,220 --> 00:51:13,017 - Ow. - Oh. Sorry, sorry. 710 00:51:13,140 --> 00:51:15,210 - Ow. - Oh. Sorry. 711 00:51:15,340 --> 00:51:17,854 Sorry. Sorry. 712 00:51:17,980 --> 00:51:21,859 And... And... And have you taken an extended warranty out, madam? 713 00:51:21,980 --> 00:51:24,448 - A what? - A warranty. It's worth the extra money. 714 00:51:24,580 --> 00:51:27,777 - It covers even accidental damage. - What? What? 715 00:51:27,900 --> 00:51:29,652 - (Joanna shrieks ) - The five... The five... 716 00:51:29,780 --> 00:51:32,817 The five... The five-year warranty. 717 00:51:38,300 --> 00:51:40,655 Golly. Oh, my golly. 718 00:51:41,780 --> 00:51:43,691 Oh, my golly. 719 00:51:43,820 --> 00:51:46,459 Oh, a little bit left there... Mmm! 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net