1 00:00:04,569 --> 00:00:07,800 I reckon I'd be ready. I could take him... Oh, shit! 2 00:00:07,929 --> 00:00:09,681 Forgot the blower thing. 3 00:00:10,889 --> 00:00:13,642 - Are you married? - She's still looking for "the one". 4 00:00:13,769 --> 00:00:16,124 She could be your one. 5 00:00:20,729 --> 00:00:22,082 - Aaagh! - What? 6 00:00:22,209 --> 00:00:26,202 That's the girl dying horribly in the fire. You took too long. Burnt to a crisp. 7 00:00:26,329 --> 00:00:28,843 They don't ask questions like that. 8 00:00:33,289 --> 00:00:34,438 - Funky. - Funkay. 9 00:00:34,569 --> 00:00:36,525 - Funkaaay! - Funky! 10 00:00:37,609 --> 00:00:41,761 I know exactly how... slightly older you are. 11 00:00:49,289 --> 00:00:51,849 - Oh, happy birthday, Mum. - Yep. 12 00:00:51,969 --> 00:00:54,358 - Oh, you're lovely. - No, I'm not. 13 00:01:05,529 --> 00:01:07,884 Oh, sorry, sorry. Oh, sorry. 14 00:01:36,729 --> 00:01:38,924 Just me? 15 00:01:39,049 --> 00:01:41,199 We can only do one at a time. 16 00:01:42,889 --> 00:01:45,642 Er, can I have a chair? 17 00:01:45,769 --> 00:01:48,567 We can have one brought in, but most people don't need one. 18 00:01:48,689 --> 00:01:51,442 Won't bother, then. Won't bother. 19 00:03:11,249 --> 00:03:11,809 When did you realise you were in the wrong exam room? 20 00:03:11,809 --> 00:03:13,720 When did you realise you were in the wrong exam room? 21 00:03:13,849 --> 00:03:19,401 Well, quite early on, but then I thought I was in a dream I once had, 22 00:03:19,529 --> 00:03:25,968 and that if I kept dancing, one of you would turn into Michaela Strachan and kiss me. 23 00:03:27,289 --> 00:03:29,200 Has this ever happened before? 24 00:03:29,329 --> 00:03:32,002 Actually... surprisingly often. 25 00:04:05,529 --> 00:04:07,326 Yes! 26 00:04:07,449 --> 00:04:09,519 - I like your trousers. They new? - Yeah. 27 00:04:09,649 --> 00:04:12,482 I shouldn't have worn them in the rain. They're heavy now. 28 00:04:12,609 --> 00:04:14,964 - Makes your thighs look really tiny. - Do they? 29 00:04:15,089 --> 00:04:16,647 Yeah. 30 00:04:23,929 --> 00:04:27,922 Ah, morning, morning, my sweet. You're looking as glorious as ever. 31 00:04:28,049 --> 00:04:31,678 Do shut it, Alan. I'm feeling queasy as it is. 32 00:04:59,369 --> 00:05:01,325 Morning, ladies. 33 00:05:51,089 --> 00:05:54,399 Do you know how long it is since I've eaten carbohydrate? 34 00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:06,647 Yeah, all right, Lord of the Dance, what's the... Which midget are you playing? 35 00:06:06,769 --> 00:06:09,727 - Look, I'm nervous, OK? - What are you scared about, Marty? 36 00:06:09,849 --> 00:06:14,923 Oh, failing my exams again and everyone I know realising I'm a loser and always will be, 37 00:06:15,049 --> 00:06:19,486 and losing any self-esteem I ever had and beating myself for the rest of my life! 38 00:06:19,609 --> 00:06:24,080 - Oh, fair enough. - Still, everyone feels like that about exams. 39 00:06:24,209 --> 00:06:27,326 - Er, no, not me. - Why not? 40 00:06:27,449 --> 00:06:31,886 Ooh, let me think. Is it because exams are easy-peasy, lemon squeezy? 41 00:06:32,009 --> 00:06:34,967 Or is it because I'm brilliant? 42 00:06:35,089 --> 00:06:36,317 It's both! 43 00:06:36,449 --> 00:06:40,647 The Secretans have never been at home to self-doubt. I've no idea what you're feeling. 44 00:06:40,769 --> 00:06:43,237 Well, it's bloody horrible. 45 00:06:43,369 --> 00:06:45,360 Erm, Martin... 46 00:06:45,489 --> 00:06:47,480 - What? - Nothing. 47 00:06:47,609 --> 00:06:49,247 Examinations! 48 00:06:50,089 --> 00:06:53,161 Examinat-ah-ha-ha-ions! 49 00:06:53,289 --> 00:06:56,087 Examinations, that's what you need 50 00:06:56,209 --> 00:06:59,360 If you wanna fail the test, if you wanna be depressed 51 00:06:59,489 --> 00:07:02,720 Wo-ho! Examinations are what you need 52 00:07:02,849 --> 00:07:05,921 If you wanna be a record failure Ye-aaah! 53 00:07:06,049 --> 00:07:07,801 Stop flirting with me. 54 00:07:15,489 --> 00:07:21,121 A-ha. It's the brave explorer returning from the uncharted regions of drunkenness. 55 00:07:21,249 --> 00:07:23,205 No, no, stop saying words. 56 00:07:23,329 --> 00:07:26,480 OK. We could try Morse, but I don't know any. 57 00:07:26,609 --> 00:07:29,601 - Interesting new walk you've got. - Invisible hangover hat. 58 00:07:29,729 --> 00:07:33,483 - Do what now? - Above my head is an invisible hangover hat. 59 00:07:33,609 --> 00:07:35,361 You can't see it. 60 00:07:35,489 --> 00:07:41,007 So if I straighten up, I will be wearing the invisible hangover hat and then I will be sick. 61 00:07:41,129 --> 00:07:42,049 - I assume you've taken painkillers. - I want something stronger. 62 00:07:42,049 --> 00:07:44,609 - I assume you've taken painkillers. - I want something stronger. 63 00:07:44,729 --> 00:07:49,962 - I want the stuff you use... to kill people. - I'm saving all that for Guy. 64 00:07:50,089 --> 00:07:52,728 Why are you all right? How can you be all right? 65 00:07:52,849 --> 00:07:56,000 - Because I am the chosen one. - No, why really? 66 00:07:56,129 --> 00:07:58,643 Because I didn't drink Guy's ethanol punch. 67 00:07:58,769 --> 00:08:02,728 - OK, let's have a look at this hat. - Wait, no. Too much movement. 68 00:08:02,849 --> 00:08:07,001 Whoa! OK, I'm swapping your hangover hat 69 00:08:07,129 --> 00:08:10,917 for my "I knew when I'd had enough" hat. 70 00:08:11,049 --> 00:08:13,040 There we go. Now... 71 00:08:17,649 --> 00:08:19,002 Thank you. 72 00:08:19,129 --> 00:08:21,245 Again. 73 00:08:21,369 --> 00:08:24,441 Mac, look, erm, about last night, 74 00:08:24,569 --> 00:08:27,527 I just wanted to say, look, I need to clear up... 75 00:08:27,649 --> 00:08:29,401 Exam boy! When's kickoff? 76 00:08:29,529 --> 00:08:32,248 Two o'clock. I just need a place to do some last-minute cramming. 77 00:08:32,369 --> 00:08:35,918 - Right. Good plan. - See you later, loud people. 78 00:08:36,049 --> 00:08:38,404 Martin, I like your tail. 79 00:08:40,929 --> 00:08:43,397 Well! Caroline likes my arse. 80 00:08:43,529 --> 00:08:46,168 - Yeah. Yeah, that'll help. - Wow. 81 00:08:46,289 --> 00:08:49,759 - How you feeling? - Oh, Jesus, I forgot for a minute. 82 00:08:49,889 --> 00:08:51,925 Only exams. Lighten up. 83 00:09:10,369 --> 00:09:12,041 Oh, no! 84 00:09:13,169 --> 00:09:15,637 - Oh, I'm pregnant! - What? 85 00:09:15,769 --> 00:09:19,523 - I'm pregnant. - What, again? Have you done a test? 86 00:09:19,649 --> 00:09:21,799 - No, I just know. - How can you just know? 87 00:09:21,929 --> 00:09:25,046 I can sense it. It's in there and it's another boy. 88 00:09:25,169 --> 00:09:28,798 I don't think it's possible for someone to just know they're pregnant. Rach? 89 00:09:28,929 --> 00:09:33,161 - No way. - Oh, it is. There's a low-level nausea, 90 00:09:33,289 --> 00:09:37,168 accompanied strangely by this overwhelming desire to eat fatty foods. 91 00:09:37,289 --> 00:09:41,919 Total lethargy, like you've had 15 Mogadon or been involved in a road-traffic accident. 92 00:09:42,049 --> 00:09:46,247 On the plus side, your boobs swell, but they're too tender for anyone to touch, 93 00:09:46,369 --> 00:09:49,679 and you're snappy - bit like a Jack Russell, but bigger! 94 00:09:49,809 --> 00:09:53,085 I trust you're all focused on the day's workload, everyone. 95 00:09:53,209 --> 00:09:56,963 Or are you just tossing your one brain cell around the room as usual, hm? Thickos. 96 00:10:08,009 --> 00:10:10,284 D'you know what I like about you? 97 00:10:12,369 --> 00:10:14,325 Fuck all. 98 00:10:20,209 --> 00:10:25,602 - So, weren't you using anything? - Oh, yes, we're just unlucky with condoms. 99 00:10:25,729 --> 00:10:30,041 They always come off and we never find them. Unless the cat's there, then he finds them. 100 00:10:30,169 --> 00:10:33,718 One night last week Ian was on the home brew and it disappeared, 101 00:10:33,849 --> 00:10:37,000 and I keep hoping it's going to pop out any day, but it hasn't. 102 00:10:37,129 --> 00:10:40,007 If a man's had too much to drink, the spermatozoa isn't strong. 103 00:10:40,129 --> 00:10:42,085 What do you know about sperm? 104 00:10:42,209 --> 00:10:47,761 I had some on my skirt once, on the Tube. It was a pencil skirt, too. 105 00:10:47,889 --> 00:10:50,722 - Done a test? - You can't get pregnant from it on a skirt. 106 00:10:50,849 --> 00:10:55,001 - Not you! - No, I just know. It'd be a waste of money. 107 00:10:57,249 --> 00:10:59,319 Here. 108 00:11:01,089 --> 00:11:04,638 I'll take it to the Path Lab. I'm a regular, so you won't have to pay. 109 00:11:04,769 --> 00:11:07,522 - Just fill that. - I've just been. 110 00:11:21,049 --> 00:11:23,404 23, 24, 25, 26... 111 00:11:23,529 --> 00:11:26,043 Fuck, shit! 112 00:11:26,169 --> 00:11:28,125 Fucking shit! 113 00:11:30,289 --> 00:11:32,439 Oh, shit, fuck, bollocks! 114 00:11:35,129 --> 00:11:38,963 - Caroline, excuse me, can I have a word? - Yeah, of course. 115 00:11:39,089 --> 00:11:43,958 Erm, in private, if that's OK? 116 00:11:44,089 --> 00:11:46,045 Er, yep. 117 00:11:50,129 --> 00:11:52,165 Maybe I should have waited. 118 00:11:52,289 --> 00:11:55,486 It's just that it's been bugging me and getting me annoyed, 119 00:11:55,609 --> 00:11:59,921 and I don't want to get all stressed out and angry cos it makes me look ugly. 120 00:12:00,049 --> 00:12:01,249 What is it? Have I upset you? 121 00:12:01,249 --> 00:12:02,318 What is it? Have I upset you? 122 00:12:02,449 --> 00:12:04,405 - Are you wearing my pants? - What? 123 00:12:04,529 --> 00:12:09,762 My white tanga briefs. They're plain cotton, not sexies, but they're my cute sportsies. 124 00:12:09,889 --> 00:12:13,359 - No, I haven't got them. - Ah, because I think you have. 125 00:12:13,489 --> 00:12:17,084 I put them in the drier, but they were gone today when I came to iron them. 126 00:12:17,209 --> 00:12:19,643 - You iron your pants? - Of course. 127 00:12:19,769 --> 00:12:22,727 So if you could return them, I'll say no more about it. 128 00:12:22,849 --> 00:12:24,999 But I haven't taken them. 129 00:12:25,129 --> 00:12:27,245 You're wearing them now, aren't you? 130 00:12:27,369 --> 00:12:32,318 Caroline, you let your dirty washing stack up, you were desperate for a fresh pair. 131 00:12:32,449 --> 00:12:37,284 I understand, but it's the principle, you see. It's theft. 132 00:12:37,409 --> 00:12:41,721 I will not wear them after your vagina has been in them - I'll burn them - 133 00:12:41,849 --> 00:12:43,999 but I want what is legally mine. 134 00:12:44,129 --> 00:12:46,689 - Shut up! - What? 135 00:12:46,809 --> 00:12:51,325 I haven't taken your pants, I wouldn't want to. Stop being so anal. 136 00:12:51,449 --> 00:12:54,361 Give me back my pants. Don't make me get cross. 137 00:12:54,489 --> 00:12:59,847 You see, you've obviously got something to hide. Give me back my pants. 138 00:12:59,969 --> 00:13:03,723 Yes, I have died and gone to heaven. Females fighting over their pants. 139 00:13:03,849 --> 00:13:06,488 - They'll rip each other's clothes off. - I've got a semi. 140 00:13:06,609 --> 00:13:08,839 What's wrong with you? I'm like a flagpole. 141 00:13:08,969 --> 00:13:12,245 Come on, ladies. Come on, come on. Whoa, whoa, whoa! 142 00:13:12,369 --> 00:13:15,964 She's wearing my pants. She wants to be me! 143 00:13:16,089 --> 00:13:21,004 - I'm not. You wear children's clothes! - Mac, set them free, let them fight! 144 00:13:21,129 --> 00:13:24,280 - Gently, gently, gently. - You are mad. Look! 145 00:13:25,089 --> 00:13:26,647 Ooh! 146 00:13:27,369 --> 00:13:31,999 Why don't you try asking your boyfriend? He looks the type to wear girls' pants. 147 00:13:32,129 --> 00:13:34,597 Oh, I'm sorry, Caro. 148 00:13:34,729 --> 00:13:39,359 I'll make it up to you. I'll-I'll-I'll buy you lunch! 149 00:13:42,809 --> 00:13:45,164 I'm late. I'm fucking late! 150 00:13:45,289 --> 00:13:47,678 That's your prerogative. You're the boss. 151 00:13:47,809 --> 00:13:50,039 No, idiot! Feel my breasts. 152 00:13:51,249 --> 00:13:56,721 Oh, my beautiful, demanding Aphrodite. You are so exciting when you want me. 153 00:13:56,849 --> 00:13:58,407 - Well? - Well, what? 154 00:13:58,529 --> 00:14:00,565 Do they feel different? 155 00:14:02,449 --> 00:14:05,566 Well, Mimi's slightly weightier than Charlotte, but I... 156 00:14:05,689 --> 00:14:09,204 Dear God, I'm late! I may need you to get me something. 157 00:14:09,329 --> 00:14:10,967 What, a taxi? 158 00:14:13,329 --> 00:14:18,039 You must be a reasonably intelligent man or they wouldn't let you work in a hospital. 159 00:14:18,169 --> 00:14:20,683 Thank you. Nice to know somebody's on my side. 160 00:14:20,809 --> 00:14:23,642 But there are times when you can appear remarkably thick. 161 00:14:23,769 --> 00:14:27,318 - I don't understand. - There! How can you not understand that? 162 00:14:27,449 --> 00:14:30,566 I understand you think I'm thick, but I don't understand why. 163 00:14:30,689 --> 00:14:35,763 I have an IQ of 139, I'm a member of Mensa, I can sing "Baa Baa Black Sheep" in Latin. 164 00:14:35,889 --> 00:14:40,724 - I'm just not sure you should have children. - I haven't got any children. 165 00:14:40,849 --> 00:14:43,317 - That's what you think. - No, I have no children. 166 00:14:43,449 --> 00:14:47,840 Well, there's a grave danger of you having one soon, all right? 167 00:15:23,429 --> 00:15:26,580 OK, thank you, Claudette. 168 00:15:26,709 --> 00:15:33,023 To what are the French referring when they speak of a woman's cassoulet? 169 00:15:33,149 --> 00:15:35,265 - Erm, her make-up bags. - Wrong. 170 00:15:35,389 --> 00:15:40,224 - Sacks. Erm, very large baskets. - Utterly, utterly wrong. 171 00:15:40,349 --> 00:15:43,307 The sortilege of odours emanating from a woman 172 00:15:43,429 --> 00:15:46,978 - is known as her cassoulet. - What? 173 00:15:47,109 --> 00:15:51,387 The smell of her perfume mingling with her skin, her bodily fluids, her shampoo, 174 00:15:51,509 --> 00:15:54,228 - which all come together to make... - A dirty, minging woman. 175 00:15:54,349 --> 00:15:57,944 - Trust the French to make it sound romantic! - Eight to one! Thank you. 176 00:15:58,069 --> 00:16:01,698 - Bow down to the master. - Shush. 177 00:16:01,829 --> 00:16:04,468 OK, I'll give you an easy one. 178 00:16:04,589 --> 00:16:08,377 - Who wrote Paradise Lost? - We said no book questions. Am I a girl? 179 00:16:08,509 --> 00:16:12,468 - Yes, but I'll tell you anyway... - It's irrelevant to the quiz and mankind. 180 00:16:12,589 --> 00:16:15,865 - John Milton. - Thank you. Next contestant, please. 181 00:16:15,989 --> 00:16:18,059 Well, what an absolute tragedy there. 182 00:16:18,189 --> 00:16:21,386 By posing an illegal question, he loses ten points. 183 00:16:21,509 --> 00:16:27,300 So another handsome victory for the young anaesthetist, by one point to minus two. 184 00:16:29,189 --> 00:16:30,542 Get in! 185 00:16:30,669 --> 00:16:32,625 I love your cassoulet. 186 00:16:40,429 --> 00:16:44,422 - What is it? - Ooh, straw-coloured liquid in a sample pot. 187 00:16:44,549 --> 00:16:47,700 - We work in a hospital. - Oh, is it wee? 188 00:16:47,829 --> 00:16:50,980 - Oh, come on, come on. - I need a name. 189 00:16:51,109 --> 00:16:53,669 Big, geeky, nerdy twat face. 190 00:16:53,789 --> 00:16:56,019 I need a name for the sample. 191 00:16:56,149 --> 00:16:59,186 It's for a friend, who wishes to remain anonymous. 192 00:16:59,309 --> 00:17:03,018 Is that going to cause problems in your weird techno brain? 193 00:17:03,149 --> 00:17:05,299 No, but usually we go on the roof and shout, 194 00:17:05,429 --> 00:17:09,422 "Pregnancy test results for the lanky bitch who's not taken precautions 195 00:17:09,549 --> 00:17:12,017 in her 40-odd years on this planet!" 196 00:17:12,149 --> 00:17:15,619 Assuming that your friend is quite lanky. 197 00:17:15,749 --> 00:17:17,979 Er, Harriet Schulenburg. 198 00:17:18,109 --> 00:17:19,906 - Sure? - Yes, quite sure. 199 00:17:20,029 --> 00:17:22,907 - How you spelling Schulenburg? - Any way you like. 200 00:17:23,029 --> 00:17:24,985 You've got to sign. 201 00:17:30,749 --> 00:17:33,309 Don't leave, I think I love you! 202 00:17:35,389 --> 00:17:38,028 - Yes? - I just wanted to say, 203 00:17:38,149 --> 00:17:42,540 I'm sorry about what happened at my party - you know, the thing. 204 00:17:44,189 --> 00:17:46,908 - Thing? What thing exactly? - Yeah, the thing. 205 00:17:47,029 --> 00:17:50,465 The, erm, the incident between you and me. 206 00:17:51,829 --> 00:17:56,186 - We had an incident? - Yeah, a sort of lip-on-lip incident. 207 00:17:56,309 --> 00:17:59,267 Yeah, accident possibly. 208 00:17:59,389 --> 00:18:01,744 - Oh, that. Yeah, yeah, no. - I'm sorry. 209 00:18:01,869 --> 00:18:04,827 - That's all right. - No, it isn't. The thing is I don't like you. 210 00:18:04,949 --> 00:18:10,228 - I was wondering why you'd done it. - We were close together, I lost my balance 211 00:18:10,349 --> 00:18:14,900 and we ended up quite close together with our mouths open. It was an error. 212 00:18:15,029 --> 00:18:17,589 - No. - It was. 213 00:18:17,709 --> 00:18:21,709 No, I mean, that's not, er, how we ended up together. That's not... It wasn't me. 214 00:18:21,709 --> 00:18:23,665 No, I mean, that's not, er, how we ended up together. That's not... It wasn't me. 215 00:18:23,789 --> 00:18:28,067 - It was, it was. - No, that's how you ended up kissing Guy. 216 00:18:28,869 --> 00:18:30,860 I kissed Guy? 217 00:18:30,989 --> 00:18:32,547 Yes, in the hall. 218 00:18:32,669 --> 00:18:36,264 - We kissed in the loo. - No, no, that was Sue White. 219 00:18:36,389 --> 00:18:38,345 - I kissed Sue White? - No, I kissed Sue White. 220 00:18:38,469 --> 00:18:41,541 - You kissed Sue White?! - Possibly. 221 00:18:41,669 --> 00:18:45,582 Blimey! You kissed Sue White and you don't remember us in the toilet? 222 00:18:45,709 --> 00:18:50,578 No. Well, no, but hang on. First you say you don't remember any kissing at all, 223 00:18:50,709 --> 00:18:54,258 and now you're saying there was kissing in the toilet. Which one is it? 224 00:18:54,389 --> 00:18:56,186 Kissing in the toilet? 225 00:18:56,309 --> 00:19:03,499 Yes, er, who sang "Kissing in the Toilet" in 1978? 226 00:19:03,629 --> 00:19:06,826 - Er, was it a young George Michael? - Yes. 227 00:19:06,949 --> 00:19:09,509 Fucking hell! That was a guess! 228 00:19:10,109 --> 00:19:12,259 Kissing in the toilet 229 00:19:12,389 --> 00:19:14,141 Don't flush, it's lush 230 00:19:20,149 --> 00:19:22,868 Any internal mail for Harriet, give it to me first, OK? 231 00:19:22,989 --> 00:19:25,344 Yeah, OK. Why? 232 00:19:25,469 --> 00:19:28,427 - Because, erm, hate mail. - What? 233 00:19:28,549 --> 00:19:33,498 She's been getting hate mail, death threats, so I need to intercept her mail first. 234 00:19:33,629 --> 00:19:36,905 - Why does she get death threats? - Isn't it obvious? 235 00:19:37,029 --> 00:19:38,587 No. 236 00:19:38,709 --> 00:19:43,225 I can't think of a single reason why anyone wouldn't want to kill her. 237 00:19:52,669 --> 00:19:55,627 There you are. There you are. 238 00:19:55,749 --> 00:19:58,547 - Something wrong, Dr Statham? - No, just overseeing. 239 00:19:58,669 --> 00:20:00,739 - Hello, how are you? - Not so... 240 00:20:00,869 --> 00:20:05,385 Good. Good. Alan Statham, consultant, radiology and imaging. 241 00:20:05,509 --> 00:20:09,866 Just keeping an eye on my flock. Let's have a look. 242 00:20:09,989 --> 00:20:13,186 Could be a little bit sharper. Back off a bit. 243 00:20:15,029 --> 00:20:19,068 Yes, yes, a baby is there. 244 00:20:19,189 --> 00:20:21,908 A tiny little... tiny baby. 245 00:20:22,029 --> 00:20:25,738 You are there, aren't you? Yes, you are. Yes, you are. 246 00:20:25,869 --> 00:20:31,307 What are you going to be when you grow up? A radiologist like your Uncle Alan, are you? 247 00:20:31,429 --> 00:20:33,181 Is it a tickly moustache? 248 00:20:33,309 --> 00:20:38,258 You shall have a fishy on a little dishy, you shall have a fishy when the boat comes in 249 00:20:38,389 --> 00:20:41,267 Here comes the fog horn. 250 00:20:41,389 --> 00:20:46,668 You are a lovely little boy. You are a lovely little boy. Yes, you are. Oh, yes, you are. 251 00:20:46,789 --> 00:20:50,543 Oh, you are, you are, you are, you are, you are. 252 00:20:50,669 --> 00:20:53,706 It's a very... That's good, well done. And, you, well done. 253 00:20:53,829 --> 00:20:56,627 Where's he gone? In you go, on with your work. 254 00:20:56,749 --> 00:20:58,501 Right... 255 00:21:05,549 --> 00:21:08,700 What would happen if I didn't pass my exams this time? 256 00:21:08,829 --> 00:21:13,345 - If? - What would happen to my position? 257 00:21:13,469 --> 00:21:17,462 - Look, this isn't a good time, Martin. - That's so unfair. 258 00:21:17,589 --> 00:21:22,458 Yeah, life's unfair. Go and run along and pretend to do some doctory stuff, eh? 259 00:21:22,589 --> 00:21:26,628 - Oh, come on, Mum. - Don't you ever say that word. 260 00:21:26,749 --> 00:21:27,898 Sorry. 261 00:21:28,029 --> 00:21:32,739 Nothing will ensure you are turfed out of this hospital quicker than saying that out loud. 262 00:21:32,869 --> 00:21:34,939 Is that what you want, hm? 263 00:21:35,069 --> 00:21:40,666 It's up to you. You just have to say the word. We had a deal, remember? 264 00:21:41,069 --> 00:21:45,859 Sorry, but it's just... it's really hard cos I love you. 265 00:21:45,989 --> 00:21:47,945 Shush, shush, shush. 266 00:21:51,189 --> 00:21:54,864 - And I know deep down you love me, too. - Oh, be quiet. 267 00:21:54,989 --> 00:21:59,267 - I know you pretend to be ashamed of me. - No, it's quite genuine. 268 00:21:59,389 --> 00:22:04,702 Well, underneath I know you've got some mother's pride. And I don't mean the bread. 269 00:22:04,829 --> 00:22:06,660 Get out! 270 00:22:06,789 --> 00:22:10,179 I love you, I always will, and you can't change that. 271 00:22:10,309 --> 00:22:12,903 Shall I come back later? 272 00:22:13,029 --> 00:22:17,068 Yeah. Dr Dear was just telling me what a patient had said to him earlier today. 273 00:22:17,189 --> 00:22:20,181 A psychiatric patient, obviously. 274 00:22:24,829 --> 00:22:26,785 Pick it up! Go on! 275 00:22:28,909 --> 00:22:30,945 Come on, come on, come on! 276 00:22:32,669 --> 00:22:34,625 Get out, Mummy, go on. 277 00:22:41,509 --> 00:22:43,465 Hang on a minute. 278 00:22:47,069 --> 00:22:48,821 Come. 279 00:22:50,949 --> 00:22:51,469 - Just tugging the squirrel. - What? 280 00:22:51,469 --> 00:22:53,903 - Just tugging the squirrel. - What? 281 00:22:54,029 --> 00:22:56,589 Now, what can I do for you, Dr Trodd? 282 00:22:56,709 --> 00:23:00,065 Although I suspect I know you well enough now to call you Caroline. 283 00:23:00,189 --> 00:23:03,864 Yes, well, that's what I've come about - the incident at my party. 284 00:23:03,989 --> 00:23:05,422 - The, the, erm, the... - The? 285 00:23:05,549 --> 00:23:07,505 - The... - The what, dear? 286 00:23:07,629 --> 00:23:09,984 Well, the... 287 00:23:10,109 --> 00:23:15,547 You know when you left and we were in the doorway and you... and you... and we... 288 00:23:19,069 --> 00:23:21,424 - Is that what you mean? - Yes. 289 00:23:23,509 --> 00:23:26,899 Yes, well, the thing is, I... Oh, God! 290 00:23:27,029 --> 00:23:31,545 The thing is, I didn't want there to be any awkwardness or misunderstandings. 291 00:23:31,669 --> 00:23:34,388 There's none. I've no problem with it. Do you? 292 00:23:34,509 --> 00:23:36,659 - No. - Good. 293 00:23:39,989 --> 00:23:43,265 Good. Glad we cleared that up, then. 294 00:23:45,669 --> 00:23:49,628 - Fine. Well, I'll be off then. - Yeah, bye then. 295 00:23:50,389 --> 00:23:52,539 - All right, fucker? - Not bad, bitch! 296 00:23:52,669 --> 00:23:55,103 What's with the leg shit? Looking for a sympathy shag? 297 00:23:55,229 --> 00:23:58,301 Might be, might've been shot. Good party at the weekend. 298 00:23:58,429 --> 00:24:00,545 - Oh, were you there? - Oh, yeah. 299 00:24:00,669 --> 00:24:04,218 - Get hold of anyone? - Just some treacle with top tits. 300 00:24:26,189 --> 00:24:30,580 You know what you need? You need a system. I used mnemonics when I was revising. 301 00:24:30,709 --> 00:24:33,098 Me too. Take the bones of the head, right? 302 00:24:33,229 --> 00:24:35,789 Frontal, parietal, occipital, zygomatic, sphenoid, 303 00:24:35,909 --> 00:24:39,868 - temporal, maxilla, mandible, vomer, nasal. - How did you remember that? 304 00:24:39,989 --> 00:24:44,585 I just took a simple phrase where the words begin with the same letters as the bones. 305 00:24:44,709 --> 00:24:47,064 - OK. - Go on then, what is it? 306 00:24:48,509 --> 00:24:53,185 Foreign Politicians Often Zing 307 00:24:53,309 --> 00:24:56,346 Stereotypical Tunes, 308 00:24:56,469 --> 00:25:00,018 Mayday, Mayday, Venezuela, Neck. 309 00:25:12,949 --> 00:25:15,258 - You've said that. - Have I? Sorry. 310 00:25:15,389 --> 00:25:18,222 Did I tell you I'm never, ever going to drink again? 311 00:25:18,349 --> 00:25:23,662 What did you do before alcohol became the centre of your universe? 312 00:25:23,789 --> 00:25:25,700 Homework. 313 00:25:25,829 --> 00:25:29,378 You know what you really need to do? Go for a walk. 314 00:25:29,509 --> 00:25:33,218 - Where to? - I don't really care, just stop whining. 315 00:25:33,349 --> 00:25:36,659 Relax, relax, yeah. Breathe. Try it again. 316 00:25:36,789 --> 00:25:40,577 Erm, French Poli... 317 00:25:40,709 --> 00:25:45,737 - Foreign Politicians! - Foreign Politicians Often Zing... 318 00:25:47,629 --> 00:25:52,623 No, it's gone. Erm, I know it begins with an S and a T. 319 00:25:52,749 --> 00:25:55,468 Hang on. How do you know it began with an S and then a T? 320 00:25:55,589 --> 00:25:58,581 Because it begins with the same letters as the bones - 321 00:25:58,709 --> 00:26:03,180 sphenoid, erm, maxilla, mandible, vomer, nasal. 322 00:26:03,309 --> 00:26:06,267 - Er, Stereotypical, Stereotypical! - Yes, yes, yes! 323 00:26:06,389 --> 00:26:09,779 You see, just think of the bones and the phrase'll come back. 324 00:26:09,909 --> 00:26:12,264 Brilliant! Erm, yes. 325 00:26:13,589 --> 00:26:15,545 The bones will... 326 00:26:16,989 --> 00:26:18,422 - Sorry, Mac. - All right? 327 00:26:18,549 --> 00:26:21,746 Yeah, I've got it. It's fine. 328 00:26:21,869 --> 00:26:23,860 It'll be fine. 329 00:26:23,989 --> 00:26:25,945 - We'll do the leg later. - OK. 330 00:26:26,069 --> 00:26:28,344 - That's how I remembered your name. - What? 331 00:26:28,469 --> 00:26:31,905 - Massively Annoying Chap. - Massively Annoying Chap? 332 00:26:32,029 --> 00:26:33,985 - Yeah, Mac. - Hmm, hmm. 333 00:26:34,109 --> 00:26:36,862 I was going to say Massively Annoying... 334 00:26:52,529 --> 00:26:55,487 - That was it though, wasn't it? - Hello. 335 00:26:55,609 --> 00:27:01,525 I didn't realise I'd just turned into Uri Geller. I'll adjust my mind-reading psychic antennae. 336 00:27:01,649 --> 00:27:08,487 The full list of those I had lip contact with. You, possibly. Guy. And Sue White, possibly. 337 00:27:08,609 --> 00:27:11,442 Yeah, that's it, if you don't count Martin. 338 00:27:11,569 --> 00:27:14,481 I kissed Martin? Oh, no... 339 00:27:14,609 --> 00:27:18,238 - Oh, yes, I did. Oh, God! Am I a slut? - Yes. 340 00:27:18,369 --> 00:27:20,803 - Oh, God! - No, it's fine, it's absolutely fine. 341 00:27:20,929 --> 00:27:23,363 How can it be fine? 342 00:27:23,489 --> 00:27:26,322 Because you were a pissed slut. 343 00:27:26,449 --> 00:27:28,007 Ah! 344 00:27:28,769 --> 00:27:30,521 Thanks. 345 00:28:03,969 --> 00:28:07,086 Whereas in radionuclide scanning, 346 00:28:07,209 --> 00:28:13,079 the radioactive substance injected into the body emits what kind of rays, anyone? 347 00:28:13,209 --> 00:28:15,882 - Er, gamma. - Precisely. 348 00:28:16,009 --> 00:28:20,400 Gamma rays, which produce images of - I'm having a baby - 349 00:28:20,529 --> 00:28:24,044 and can be expressed in numerical form. 350 00:28:24,169 --> 00:28:27,320 Tiny, pink, little baby. 351 00:28:27,449 --> 00:28:35,003 Moving on to diagnostic preferences in, let's say soft-tissue trauma... 352 00:28:35,129 --> 00:28:36,881 Who's the daddy? 353 00:28:37,009 --> 00:28:41,048 I think you'll find that I am the daddy. 354 00:29:00,769 --> 00:29:02,327 Ooh! 355 00:29:05,369 --> 00:29:07,121 Adios. 356 00:29:14,689 --> 00:29:16,680 You wanted internal mail for Harriet? 357 00:29:16,809 --> 00:29:21,041 Yeah, yeah, yeah, thanks, Kimmy. Yeah, that's all, thanks. 358 00:29:26,609 --> 00:29:30,045 Hm, you haven't got many e-mails, have you? 359 00:29:30,169 --> 00:29:31,727 Ooh! 360 00:29:34,129 --> 00:29:36,882 - Coconut macaroons? - Eczema. 361 00:29:38,009 --> 00:29:39,567 Ah... 362 00:29:42,529 --> 00:29:45,601 - Another internal mail for Harriet. - She can have it. 363 00:29:45,729 --> 00:29:49,244 - I thought it might be a death threat. - What? No, shouldn't think so. 364 00:29:49,369 --> 00:29:53,726 Oh, well, no, there was a death threat, but then they rang up and said they were sorry 365 00:29:53,849 --> 00:29:58,969 and they weren't going to do it any more. So that's good, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. 366 00:30:11,129 --> 00:30:13,882 I need a hand. I've got a squealer in cubicle four. 367 00:30:14,009 --> 00:30:15,761 Yep. 368 00:30:18,889 --> 00:30:20,641 Seriously! 369 00:30:33,889 --> 00:30:38,246 Yes! It's negative! I'm not. Yeah! 370 00:30:40,929 --> 00:30:42,885 Booze. 371 00:31:17,049 --> 00:31:20,519 - Not gone to the gallows yet, then? - No! 372 00:31:20,649 --> 00:31:23,004 I'm trying to think of a mascot to take. 373 00:31:23,129 --> 00:31:27,759 Erm... Right, I've decided on Mr Ratty. 374 00:31:27,889 --> 00:31:30,039 Oh, my God, you're a child. 375 00:31:32,089 --> 00:31:35,126 - Plague carrier. - Shit! I didn't think of that. 376 00:31:35,249 --> 00:31:39,879 - Yeah, well, lucky Uncle Guy is here. Next? - Erm, Lord Chisel-tooth. 377 00:31:40,009 --> 00:31:43,445 - Jesus! - A hard-working, industrious, social animal. 378 00:31:43,569 --> 00:31:47,039 No, builds dams, yeah, blocks off the flow of inspiration. 379 00:31:47,169 --> 00:31:50,718 You'll be in the exam room trying to think of the proper word for leg 380 00:31:50,849 --> 00:31:53,921 and you'll dry up - all because of your poor mascot choices. 381 00:31:54,049 --> 00:31:58,884 What, you can't... you just... What is the proper word for leg? 382 00:31:59,009 --> 00:32:01,842 - Can't tell you that. - Thank Christ I've got B. 383 00:32:01,969 --> 00:32:05,006 What's he called, Emperor Bumble Wank? Buzzy Buzzy Penis? 384 00:32:05,129 --> 00:32:10,487 No, he's called B, right? And this is the clever bit: just the letter B. 385 00:32:10,609 --> 00:32:16,047 Hive worker, doesn't stand out from the crowd, short life span and sterile. 386 00:32:16,169 --> 00:32:18,637 Oh, Christ, I need a mascot! 387 00:32:20,169 --> 00:32:23,601 Da-dah. Clean, orderly, a blank sheet. 388 00:32:24,509 --> 00:32:27,706 - It doesn't even have a name. - Yes, it does. 389 00:32:27,829 --> 00:32:29,979 Captain Wipey. 390 00:32:31,709 --> 00:32:35,065 Don't fold your mascot! That's really bad luck. 391 00:32:42,429 --> 00:32:44,385 Leave them! 392 00:32:56,549 --> 00:33:00,827 Where have you been? Shouldn't you be in theatre? I've been looking for you. 393 00:33:00,949 --> 00:33:03,861 Here, no, and you've found me. It's your turn to hide. 394 00:33:03,989 --> 00:33:07,948 Erm, I don't think we've quite finished our chat. 395 00:33:09,149 --> 00:33:15,622 If you're looking for more names for your roll call of conquests, actually I am quite busy. 396 00:33:15,749 --> 00:33:18,104 Oh, are you in trouble or something? 397 00:33:18,229 --> 00:33:21,744 Not yet, no, but if you must know, I'm here for an interview. 398 00:33:21,869 --> 00:33:24,542 Oh? Interview for what? 399 00:33:24,669 --> 00:33:30,938 Consultancy vacancy. Preliminary only, internal post, so nothing major. 400 00:33:31,069 --> 00:33:33,378 Wow! I had no idea. Nobody said. 401 00:33:33,509 --> 00:33:36,148 Nobody knows. 402 00:33:36,269 --> 00:33:39,386 Sorry. Right, well, I guess now is not the moment. 403 00:33:39,509 --> 00:33:41,306 - No. - Is casual all right? 404 00:33:41,429 --> 00:33:46,139 Casual's good cos it's really about how good you are at the job, not about how you dress. 405 00:33:46,269 --> 00:33:50,057 And I think wearing suits displays a certain lack of imagination. 406 00:33:51,989 --> 00:33:53,945 - Right. - Yeah. 407 00:33:54,069 --> 00:33:56,503 - Well, good luck. - Thank you. 408 00:33:57,629 --> 00:34:00,860 - You going in with your hair like that? - Like what? 409 00:34:00,989 --> 00:34:03,344 - Nothing. Good luck. - Yeah. 410 00:34:05,109 --> 00:34:09,068 - Dr Macartney. - Sue White, can I ask you a quick question? 411 00:34:09,189 --> 00:34:10,588 Yes, of course. 412 00:34:10,709 --> 00:34:13,542 Erm, my hair, does it look OK? 413 00:34:13,669 --> 00:34:17,025 Yeah. A lion's mane has never looked so free. 414 00:34:17,149 --> 00:34:19,105 - Thank you. - You're welcome. 415 00:34:19,229 --> 00:34:21,789 - Could I borrow that hair thingy? - My whaty? 416 00:34:21,909 --> 00:34:25,538 Clippy thing you put in your hair. It's an emergency. 417 00:34:25,669 --> 00:34:31,585 Well, OK then, but I want you to know, I don't let the squirrel out for just anybody. 418 00:34:31,709 --> 00:34:34,462 - Thank you. - Knock yourself out. 419 00:34:41,789 --> 00:34:45,748 - What do you think? - Yeah, lovely. Just give it a bit of a tidy. 420 00:34:45,869 --> 00:34:49,225 - There we are, just stick that in. - Thank you. 421 00:34:49,349 --> 00:34:52,864 - Right. Thank God for the dead box. - Yes. 422 00:34:52,989 --> 00:34:54,741 - There. - How do I look? 423 00:34:54,869 --> 00:34:58,464 Excellent. Yes, d'Artagnan, the big musketeer. 424 00:34:58,589 --> 00:35:01,228 Great. You are a life-saver. Thank you very much. 425 00:35:01,349 --> 00:35:03,738 - OK. - Dr Macartney? 426 00:35:03,869 --> 00:35:07,828 - That's me, thank you. Great. Wish me luck. -Good luck, good luck. 427 00:35:07,949 --> 00:35:11,225 - Just try not to turn side on. - OK. 428 00:35:13,549 --> 00:35:15,824 Hello, there. Hi. 429 00:35:47,229 --> 00:35:50,744 Would it be OK to x-ray my penis? I think I might have dislocated it. 430 00:35:50,869 --> 00:35:52,427 - Get out! - No, really. 431 00:35:52,549 --> 00:35:54,505 Get out! 432 00:36:09,389 --> 00:36:15,339 I'm sorry, everyone. It seems that Harriet's mistaken this office for a children's party. 433 00:36:15,469 --> 00:36:16,069 Shall I call the medics, or would someone stab her for me? 434 00:36:16,069 --> 00:36:18,503 Shall I call the medics, or would someone stab her for me? 435 00:36:18,629 --> 00:36:20,824 It's OK, she's just had a bit of good news. 436 00:36:20,949 --> 00:36:26,899 She thought she was pregnant. She just got the lab results back and it's negative. 437 00:36:27,029 --> 00:36:30,226 - She had a pregnancy test done today? - Yeah. 438 00:36:30,349 --> 00:36:32,305 - A real one? - What do you mean? 439 00:36:32,429 --> 00:36:34,818 I mean, here, today? 440 00:36:34,949 --> 00:36:36,701 Yes. 441 00:36:39,789 --> 00:36:42,349 That's not how you spell Schulenburg. 442 00:36:42,469 --> 00:36:44,824 Fan-bloody-tastic! 443 00:36:47,389 --> 00:36:52,019 Oh, Harriet, erm, the lab just sent this up for you. It's marked "Urgent". 444 00:36:52,149 --> 00:36:57,098 I'm afraid I opened it by mistake, and, er, congratulations! 445 00:38:06,589 --> 00:38:11,504 Right, ladies and gentlemen, you may turn over your papers and begin. 446 00:38:19,189 --> 00:38:21,908 - Yes? - I haven't asked the question yet. 447 00:38:22,029 --> 00:38:23,428 - Yes. - Is the answer? 448 00:38:23,549 --> 00:38:25,301 - What? - Is yes the answer? 449 00:38:25,429 --> 00:38:28,819 - Is the question? - But is yes the answer? Take a gamble. 450 00:38:28,949 --> 00:38:31,861 - I don't know, is it? - Take a gamble. 451 00:38:31,989 --> 00:38:34,219 - No. - No is the answer? 452 00:38:34,349 --> 00:38:37,625 No is the answer. Yes is never the answer. 453 00:38:37,749 --> 00:38:40,786 - So no is the answer? - No is the answer. 454 00:38:40,909 --> 00:38:44,639 So if I were to say are you going to ever have sex with any other man apart from me, 455 00:38:45,703 --> 00:38:47,127 then your answer is no? 456 00:38:47,229 --> 00:38:51,441 Do you want to have sex with me? I mean, do you want to just fuck me now? 457 00:38:51,569 --> 00:38:55,278 Do you want to do that? Do you want to just get your cock out and fuck me now? 458 00:38:55,409 --> 00:38:57,365 How about that, yeah? 459 00:38:58,329 --> 00:39:01,639 Shall we? Here, on the table? 460 00:39:01,769 --> 00:39:04,969 Yeah, how about whopping it up my arse? What about that, Mr Secretan? 461 00:39:04,969 --> 00:39:07,358 Yeah, how about whopping it up my arse? What about that, Mr Secretan? 462 00:39:07,489 --> 00:39:10,765 Doctor. Mister. Yeah? 463 00:39:10,889 --> 00:39:14,120 One above, Doctor. How about that, yeah? 464 00:39:15,169 --> 00:39:19,924 Mr Secretan whopping it up Staff Liaison's arse. 465 00:39:22,329 --> 00:39:27,278 So wipe yourself down and come back and tell me what you think about that. OK? 466 00:39:27,409 --> 00:39:31,084 - I'm not sure I can stand up. - No. Well, I'll leave for a few moments. 467 00:39:31,209 --> 00:39:33,279 OK. 468 00:39:33,409 --> 00:39:35,365 - Could you shut the door? - Yeah. 469 00:40:26,489 --> 00:40:28,957 No, thank you, thank you very much. 470 00:40:29,089 --> 00:40:30,044 - Fuck! - What? 471 00:40:30,169 --> 00:40:33,923 - You look like a doll. - What you talking about? This is regulation. 472 00:40:34,049 --> 00:40:37,758 - Where at, St Augustine's Girls' School? - No, here. Did you not get... No. 473 00:40:37,889 --> 00:40:42,087 No. How was the, erm, interview? 474 00:40:42,209 --> 00:40:48,239 Not sure. I might have used the words "job", "stick", "up" and "arse" all in one sentence. 475 00:40:48,369 --> 00:40:50,678 Is that a bad thing? 476 00:40:50,809 --> 00:40:53,482 Well, I think tone of voice is very important. 477 00:40:53,609 --> 00:40:57,568 Is it, is it? Damn. Shit. If you'll excuse me, I have some patients to see. 478 00:40:57,689 --> 00:40:59,441 Yeah. 479 00:41:01,649 --> 00:41:03,401 Hi. 480 00:41:14,449 --> 00:41:16,917 What's this, in the bar in the middle of the day? 481 00:41:17,049 --> 00:41:20,246 - Yeah, celebrating. - Yeah, lots to celebrate. 482 00:41:20,369 --> 00:41:23,441 - Yeah, vodka, double. - Er, no, Mummy, I think not. 483 00:41:23,569 --> 00:41:25,764 - Stick to the mineral water. - Why? 484 00:41:25,889 --> 00:41:29,484 - We want to do what's best. - Yeah, double vodka, pronto. I'm gagging. 485 00:41:29,609 --> 00:41:33,568 No, come on, let's look after the unborn Statham minor. Give it to me. 486 00:41:33,689 --> 00:41:36,044 - What? - No, give it, give it... 487 00:41:36,169 --> 00:41:40,720 - Never mind, no, never mind. - Oh, sweet Jesus! Didn't you get my text? 488 00:41:40,849 --> 00:41:43,568 It's not me who's pregnant. It's Harriet Schulenburg. 489 00:41:43,689 --> 00:41:46,999 What? Har... Harriet is having my baby? 490 00:41:47,129 --> 00:41:50,883 Oh, please! She's upset enough. That'd be enough to tip her over the edge. 491 00:41:51,009 --> 00:41:53,569 - We're not? - No, no, false alarm. 492 00:41:53,729 --> 00:41:57,199 I was a bit windy this morning, got my knockers in a twist over nothing. 493 00:41:57,329 --> 00:42:00,924 What's all this bollocks, then? Has somebody died? 494 00:42:04,729 --> 00:42:04,969 God! 495 00:42:04,969 --> 00:42:05,879 God! 496 00:42:06,009 --> 00:42:11,003 No, no, never mind, never mind. We'll just have to, we'll just have to try again. 497 00:42:11,129 --> 00:42:14,804 - Is that one of your jokes? - No, it'll be good for our relationship to... 498 00:42:14,929 --> 00:42:19,525 Hang on a minute. Hang on a minute. You and me are not an item. 499 00:42:19,649 --> 00:42:23,881 Never have been, never will be. What you got to say about that then, eh? 500 00:42:24,009 --> 00:42:26,204 I. 501 00:42:26,329 --> 00:42:30,163 - What? - You and I are not an item, not you and me. 502 00:42:31,489 --> 00:42:35,801 Listen to I. I not in a relationship with you no more. 503 00:42:35,929 --> 00:42:38,966 - Ah, at least you admit it's a relationship. - Yeah, was. 504 00:42:39,089 --> 00:42:40,920 Well, all right, I see, OK. 505 00:42:41,049 --> 00:42:44,121 And remember, if you ever want to talk about this, you know, 506 00:42:44,249 --> 00:42:47,685 pick over the good times and the bad so you can learn from it, 507 00:42:47,809 --> 00:42:51,563 please, please, please don't come to me. 508 00:42:57,209 --> 00:42:59,165 Oh, dear. 509 00:43:00,009 --> 00:43:02,603 - Oh, here she comes. - Forgot my fags. 510 00:43:02,729 --> 00:43:05,084 - Right. - Get your dumped mitts off my tits! 511 00:43:05,209 --> 00:43:06,847 - I don't want to... - Stop it. 512 00:43:06,969 --> 00:43:08,448 - I'm not going to... - Get off! 513 00:43:08,569 --> 00:43:10,048 - No one can see. - Get off! 514 00:43:10,169 --> 00:43:12,808 - I'm not going to. Please... - Alan! 515 00:43:12,929 --> 00:43:15,238 No one can see. Please... 516 00:43:15,369 --> 00:43:17,121 Sorry. 517 00:43:17,249 --> 00:43:19,205 Please! Please stay. 518 00:43:54,129 --> 00:43:57,565 So now that I might remember our kiss that did or did not take place, 519 00:43:57,689 --> 00:44:02,240 but say that it did, what was it like? Don't hold back, just tell me what it was like. 520 00:44:02,369 --> 00:44:05,759 It was... average, yeah. 521 00:44:05,889 --> 00:44:07,117 Oh. 522 00:44:07,249 --> 00:44:10,878 I remember we were both standing on the scales 523 00:44:11,009 --> 00:44:15,287 and you were looking down a lot saying, "Oh, my God, I think I've put on 12 stone!" 524 00:44:15,409 --> 00:44:18,242 That was a little bit off-putting. 525 00:44:20,129 --> 00:44:23,041 But the kiss, how did that happen, for God's sake? 526 00:44:23,169 --> 00:44:25,399 Kiss, the kiss... Yeah, I remember that. 527 00:44:25,529 --> 00:44:28,202 Er, you had your head over the loo like this, 528 00:44:28,329 --> 00:44:32,766 and then you came up like this and then you turned round and I was there. 529 00:44:32,889 --> 00:44:36,165 I was on the floor next to you, stroking your hair. 530 00:44:36,289 --> 00:44:38,849 A time-honoured means of preventing sickness. 531 00:44:38,969 --> 00:44:44,487 I remember you had your hand on my cheek like this, and then... 532 00:44:44,609 --> 00:44:48,284 - Then I looked into your eyes? - Yeah, and then I looked into your eyes. 533 00:44:48,409 --> 00:44:50,604 There was a lot of looking going on. 534 00:44:50,729 --> 00:44:53,801 Yes. And then I kissed you, clearly not on purpose. 535 00:44:53,929 --> 00:44:57,046 - Clearly. - And then you kissed me back. 536 00:44:57,169 --> 00:45:02,163 And then I kissed you back, erm, equally accidentally. 537 00:45:02,289 --> 00:45:04,757 - And then? - And then... 538 00:45:04,889 --> 00:45:06,845 And then I left. 539 00:45:06,969 --> 00:45:10,598 Well, I was totally wasted, otherwise why would I have kissed you? 540 00:45:10,729 --> 00:45:13,562 - Yeah, exactly. - I must have been totally wankered. 541 00:45:13,689 --> 00:45:16,203 Totally, totally. I guess, I guess. 542 00:45:44,649 --> 00:45:45,877 Hello. 543 00:45:46,009 --> 00:45:48,204 Hello. Can I help you? 544 00:45:48,329 --> 00:45:53,801 Well, Joanna says you're to stop ringing her and she meant what she said. 545 00:45:53,929 --> 00:45:55,885 Oh, about what? 546 00:45:56,009 --> 00:45:59,240 About how she doesn't want to go out with you any more. 547 00:46:01,089 --> 00:46:02,044 Hmm? 548 00:46:02,169 --> 00:46:04,967 It's not a joke, Joanna told me to tell you. 549 00:46:05,089 --> 00:46:06,920 What were her reasons? 550 00:46:07,049 --> 00:46:10,041 She said you'd ask. She said to say boredom. 551 00:46:10,169 --> 00:46:13,605 She said the only reason she went out with you was because she was bored, 552 00:46:13,729 --> 00:46:17,005 and, well, she's still bored. 553 00:46:17,129 --> 00:46:19,359 You're boring. 554 00:46:19,489 --> 00:46:21,241 Right. You may leave. 555 00:46:22,529 --> 00:46:25,487 - I'm very sorry. - No, don't be nice. 556 00:46:25,609 --> 00:46:27,486 OK. 557 00:46:27,609 --> 00:46:29,565 Bye then. 558 00:47:04,849 --> 00:47:09,161 - Perhaps you should call it a day. - Aday? Is that for a boy or a girl? 559 00:47:09,329 --> 00:47:11,843 No, you should go home, stop thinking about it. 560 00:47:11,969 --> 00:47:15,006 Oh, sorry, my brain's a bit squidgy. 561 00:47:15,129 --> 00:47:18,326 - I was up five times in the night. - Kids? 562 00:47:18,449 --> 00:47:20,804 No, I was just really hungry. 563 00:47:22,129 --> 00:47:24,689 - See you. - Bye. 564 00:47:27,329 --> 00:47:32,198 So if you're using a handgun, you do not want to aim here - no guarantee of death. 565 00:47:32,329 --> 00:47:37,642 Bullet in the auditory cortex, forget your Dolby and NICAM stereo, prefrontal cortex wrecked. 566 00:47:37,769 --> 00:47:41,478 It's porridge, rubber pants and an exploitative documentary on Channel 4. 567 00:47:41,609 --> 00:47:43,565 - So you would use a... ? - Magnum. 568 00:47:43,689 --> 00:47:45,964 Ice cream. Could be a bit messy. 569 00:47:46,089 --> 00:47:51,038 No, tosspot, a Magnum gun. Probably the most powerful handgun in the world. 570 00:47:51,169 --> 00:47:54,366 Imagine. That baby's got a kick on it like a fat girl in heels. 571 00:47:54,489 --> 00:47:56,957 But it's easy to miss, so where would you aim? 572 00:47:57,089 --> 00:48:00,525 I would aim obviously for the brain, which in your case would be here. 573 00:48:00,649 --> 00:48:04,483 - Womankind would applaud me. - They wouldn't. They'd kill you with hoovers. 574 00:48:04,609 --> 00:48:07,567 What about up the nose? 575 00:48:07,689 --> 00:48:10,999 The bullet has gone in further, but it's survivable - you're a veg. 576 00:48:11,129 --> 00:48:11,209 No, what you need to take out the cerebral cortex is... 577 00:48:11,209 --> 00:48:13,928 No, what you need to take out the cerebral cortex is... 578 00:48:14,049 --> 00:48:17,325 - A hair cut. - No, a shotgun, 579 00:48:17,449 --> 00:48:19,883 held under the throat. And slash! 580 00:48:20,009 --> 00:48:22,728 Bang! Or have you now swapped the shotgun for a sword? 581 00:48:22,849 --> 00:48:25,317 Yeah, bang, slash, blam, whatever. 582 00:48:25,449 --> 00:48:30,079 Listen, Martin, you can either do it my way or you can be wrong. 583 00:48:30,209 --> 00:48:31,358 What? 584 00:48:31,489 --> 00:48:32,842 - Crisp? - No. 585 00:48:33,929 --> 00:48:37,558 Sod off, you Jezebel whores! 586 00:48:37,689 --> 00:48:39,998 Go on, you slutty tarts! 587 00:48:40,129 --> 00:48:44,520 Go on with your slitty, slutty, slitty, slutty slots! 588 00:48:44,649 --> 00:48:48,005 Go on, sod off! You're all the bloody same! 589 00:48:49,849 --> 00:48:52,079 - Put the gun down. - The midget'll get it. 590 00:48:52,209 --> 00:48:55,406 - I said put the gun down. - Is this a ginger/dwarf alliance? 591 00:48:55,529 --> 00:48:56,484 I'm not a dwarf. 592 00:48:56,609 --> 00:49:00,238 There's a dirty Jezebel! Right, you two dirty-whore bitches! 593 00:49:00,369 --> 00:49:02,963 Right, I can see you, you dirty sluts! 594 00:49:03,089 --> 00:49:06,638 Come here. I'll get you! 595 00:49:06,769 --> 00:49:09,761 What in God's... Off to a nunnery! 596 00:49:09,889 --> 00:49:12,119 You slutty tarts! Go on. 597 00:49:12,249 --> 00:49:14,001 I'll blow his brains out when I find them. 598 00:49:14,129 --> 00:49:18,919 You're all the same, with your filthy bras and your pants and your peepholes. 599 00:49:24,369 --> 00:49:28,157 ... slutty panties. And you haven't even got a cock! 600 00:49:28,289 --> 00:49:31,042 You haven't even got a cock! 601 00:49:31,169 --> 00:49:35,560 You whores! You dirty... Ow! Bloody bumpy bastards! 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net