1 00:00:06,760 --> 00:00:08,557 I kissed Guy? 2 00:00:08,680 --> 00:00:11,911 Yes. In the hall. We kissed in the loo. 3 00:00:12,040 --> 00:00:14,076 No, no, that was Sue White. 4 00:00:21,720 --> 00:00:23,790 You are a lovely little boy. 5 00:00:24,360 --> 00:00:28,672 I want to know what would happen if I didn't pass my exams this time. Oh, come on, Mum. 6 00:00:28,800 --> 00:00:31,553 Don't you ever say that word! 7 00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:44,397 Joanna says you're to stop ringing her and she meant what she said. 8 00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:52,230 - Get your dumped mitts off my tits! - I want... I don't want to... 9 00:00:52,360 --> 00:00:54,316 Stop it. Get off me. 10 00:00:55,200 --> 00:00:57,714 And then I kissed you - clearly not on purpose. 11 00:00:57,840 --> 00:00:59,592 And then... 12 00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:01,676 and then I left. 13 00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:10,512 Slitty, slutty, slots! Go on, sod off! You're all the bloody same! 14 00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:21,636 - Caroline, are you in there? - I do! Er, I mean, I am. 15 00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:24,235 I'll be out in a minute. 16 00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:37,354 Meet the girls. Pinky and Perky. 17 00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:45,989 And the side stretch. Breathe in. And take the ball... 18 00:01:46,120 --> 00:01:49,430 Bloody shitting... Who let you in here? 19 00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:52,154 I want a word with you, and I... 20 00:01:55,080 --> 00:01:57,196 - You've got one last chance! - Get out! 21 00:01:57,320 --> 00:01:58,594 One last chance to have me back. 22 00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:02,116 I'm Caroline Secretan, hi. 23 00:02:02,240 --> 00:02:04,470 Caroline Secretan. 24 00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:06,591 Leave me alone or I'll get a restraining order. 25 00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:11,872 Hello, I'm Caroline Macartney. Caroline Macartney. 26 00:02:18,360 --> 00:02:20,351 Hi. Erm... 27 00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:24,198 - Thanks for letting me stay. - Yeah, you're welcome. 28 00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:27,190 - Where did you sleep? - On the sofa. 29 00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:28,673 Oh. 30 00:02:29,480 --> 00:02:33,473 Look at the state of me! I mean, my hair... 31 00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:35,716 What do you think I've become?! 32 00:02:35,840 --> 00:02:40,118 - What have you become? - I'll tell you: a shadow of my former self. 33 00:02:40,240 --> 00:02:42,071 A shadow of a pompous arse? 34 00:02:54,280 --> 00:02:58,956 Yes, well, if something bad happens, then on your head it be! 35 00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:02,516 If what happens? If somebody steals all your pens again? 36 00:03:03,760 --> 00:03:07,594 Hey, how are you doing there? What's that? What, in my teeth? 37 00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:11,474 Oh, that's probably one of Caroline's pubes. That is embarrassing. 38 00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:15,388 - Martin, did I leave my watch in there? - Erm... yeah. 39 00:03:15,520 --> 00:03:18,478 - Can I just grab it then? - Erm, hang on. 40 00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:23,554 - Oh, great. Thanks. - Mm-hm. 41 00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:25,432 - You OK? - Hm? 42 00:03:25,560 --> 00:03:26,959 - Are you OK? - Mm. 43 00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:30,277 I'm just going to go to work now. How are you getting there? 44 00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:35,198 Sorry? 45 00:03:35,320 --> 00:03:38,153 - On my scooter. I'll see you there. - Yeah, OK, right. 46 00:03:38,280 --> 00:03:42,034 If something really really bad happens to me, it'll be your fault! 47 00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:44,151 You're just trying to cheer me up, aren't you? 48 00:03:44,280 --> 00:03:47,590 - Yes, you'll be sorry! - Wrong! 49 00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:52,478 All right, you know, just, you know... 50 00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:56,673 Don't worry, I'm not looking at your... leotards. 51 00:03:56,800 --> 00:03:59,633 And even if I was, I'm a ra... 52 00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:10,037 - What the fuck is that? - My topmiler. 53 00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:11,229 Your what? 54 00:04:11,360 --> 00:04:17,276 My new topmiler. It needs a bit of cranking up - I've got a semifinal on Sunday. 55 00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:20,119 Oh, yeah? This is your Whiteleaf thing, is it? 56 00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:23,312 - Whitliffe. - I've seen it written down. It says Whiteleaf. 57 00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:27,638 I was there for 12 years, I think I know how it's pronounced, thank you. 58 00:04:27,760 --> 00:04:31,548 So, semifinal, eh? 59 00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:35,958 - World Championship semifinal, yeah. - Sorry, World Championship semifinal. 60 00:04:36,080 --> 00:04:40,312 - How many people play Guy-ball? - It's "Gee-ball". 61 00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:46,228 Of course, Gee-ball is Guy-ball, isn't it, actually? It's Guy-Secretan-ball. 62 00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:49,193 - Yeah, laugh if you like. - Thank Christ for that. 63 00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:52,790 This country could soon have a new world champion. 64 00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:55,309 God knows, we've got precious few of those. 65 00:04:55,440 --> 00:04:59,399 To get to the semifinal, was it, er, two fixtures that you played? 66 00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:01,875 Well, I had a walkover in the first round. 67 00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:04,639 Marcus Guisler had shin splints - big Austrian. 68 00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:08,958 So that was, what, one match? One weedy match. 69 00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:11,992 I did win it in five straight clappers. 70 00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:17,837 What? 71 00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:28,069 Oi! Is that a... ? Did you... Is that... Oi! 72 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:52,989 Marty! Ooh, results. 73 00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:56,510 - I haven't managed to open it yet. - My fingers may be stronger. 74 00:05:56,640 --> 00:05:58,232 Oh, no! 75 00:05:58,360 --> 00:05:59,873 Martin's results. 76 00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:01,513 - Well, open it. - I will. 77 00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:03,995 - When? - When I'm ready. 78 00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:11,315 - I'll give you a fiver if you open it. - No. 79 00:06:11,440 --> 00:06:13,715 I'll give you ten quid and a kiss. 80 00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:15,478 - No tongues. - No. 81 00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:17,431 - 20 quid and a hand job? - No way. 82 00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:19,152 Go on, name your price. 83 00:06:19,280 --> 00:06:24,274 What, to open it now before I'm ready? Before I am properly mentally attuned? 84 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:25,879 Yes. 85 00:06:26,840 --> 00:06:29,673 £160. 86 00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:31,870 - I think I'll wait. - Yeah. 87 00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:35,197 Right, here you go. 160? 20... 88 00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:38,232 No, no, no, sorry, I meant... half a million pounds. 89 00:06:38,360 --> 00:06:41,033 Ooh. Too hot for me. I fold. 90 00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:44,632 - Seen Mac? - No. 91 00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:46,079 - Or Guy? - No. 92 00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:49,351 Typical! Even the available men aren't. 93 00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:53,591 - I love you. - What? 94 00:06:53,720 --> 00:06:55,119 Nothing. 95 00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:01,593 I've just seen the face of Jesus at the window. 96 00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:03,358 OK. 97 00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:36,751 Mashed potato. 98 00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:38,472 Right. 99 00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:44,235 - One... - Yeah. 100 00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:45,918 Two... 101 00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:48,474 - Three... Ready? - Yeah. 102 00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:50,989 Go. 103 00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:56,391 One new message. 104 00:07:56,520 --> 00:08:00,832 It's over, Alan. Never contact me. 105 00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:04,032 You will never feel my supervagina again. 106 00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:11,038 I wish people would leave a name! 107 00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:14,799 Huh. 108 00:08:17,560 --> 00:08:19,437 All work and no play... 109 00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:23,599 - Do I get a medal? - Your reward will be in Devon. 110 00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:24,914 Devon? 111 00:08:25,040 --> 00:08:28,237 Oh, no, sorry. It's heaven, isn't it? Yeah, that's right. 112 00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:33,593 I used to get them confused as a kid. You know, when people die, they go to Devon. 113 00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:35,915 - That's funny. - Well, not really, no. 114 00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:40,670 Ruined my summer holidays - I thought my whole family was dead. 115 00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:44,190 Mac, do you think you'll ever have kids? 116 00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:47,280 Whose are these, do you think? 117 00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:49,755 I have no idea. 118 00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:51,393 Here. 119 00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:54,357 Come here. 120 00:08:58,400 --> 00:08:59,799 Oh! 121 00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:03,879 Ooh, Nurse Todd, but you look beautiful with your glasses on. 122 00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:07,194 Oh, no, they smell. Rough. 123 00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:09,274 Phew. 124 00:09:09,400 --> 00:09:12,039 See you later, smelly four-eyes. 125 00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:18,759 Dr Caroline Macartney. 126 00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:26,559 - What is that? - It's a kid. What do they eat? 127 00:09:26,680 --> 00:09:28,671 - Is it lost? - No, no. 128 00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:33,157 I borrowed it off someone, cos apparently women love it and I'm trying to pull. 129 00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:36,636 - Do anything for me? Is it working? - Not really, no. 130 00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:38,671 No, didn't think so. 131 00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:40,756 Here, you have it. 132 00:09:43,680 --> 00:09:45,079 Huh. 133 00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:47,077 - Hello. - Hi. 134 00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:52,911 Hi, there. Do you want... do you want one of these? 135 00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:54,917 - Yes, please. - Well, you can't have it. 136 00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:35,318 Don't forget you've got students waiting. 137 00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:41,798 We were going to stop him, but we thought you'd be cross. 138 00:10:41,920 --> 00:10:43,353 Mm. 139 00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:49,273 Well, I think I've made my point. 140 00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:50,594 Yes... 141 00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:52,358 Oh... 142 00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:55,870 Er, actually I might need a bit of help. 143 00:10:56,480 --> 00:10:58,072 Hello? 144 00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:00,191 Hello? Anyone? 145 00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:02,311 Oh, dear. Hello? 146 00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:05,591 I need a wee. 147 00:11:25,680 --> 00:11:27,591 - Hi. - Hi. 148 00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:30,518 - You all right? - Yeah. Just looking at those children. 149 00:11:30,640 --> 00:11:32,232 - I see. - I love children. 150 00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:34,430 - Really? - Yeah. 151 00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:38,030 I'm not a paedophile or anything, obviously. I just think they're great. 152 00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:38,990 Oh... 153 00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:41,588 I hate to see them suffering. Do you like kids? 154 00:11:41,720 --> 00:11:43,995 - Er, yeah. - Yeah. 155 00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:49,990 I'm just getting broody, I guess. There's one hell of a dad in me, bursting to get out. 156 00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:51,075 Crikey. 157 00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:55,079 You know, I believe that children are... our future. 158 00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:58,351 - "Teach them well, let them lead the way"? - Sorry? 159 00:11:58,480 --> 00:12:01,438 It's Whitney Houston. Children are our future, da da da... 160 00:12:01,560 --> 00:12:03,835 My God! My God! 161 00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:07,592 She knew what she was talking about. 162 00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:19,354 Dr Caroline Secretan. 163 00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:24,119 Hi, hi. Dr Caroline Secretan. 164 00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:28,192 I'm Dr Caroline Secretan. Hi. 165 00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:35,316 Hello. 166 00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:38,637 I'm completely naked under here. 167 00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:40,239 OK... 168 00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:45,269 - Do you want to see? - Not really. 169 00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:47,550 I wouldn't mind. 170 00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:57,273 - I don't think I can go through with it. - Well, don't. 171 00:12:57,400 --> 00:13:02,030 If I fail, I'm dead meat, and I'm up to my ears in debt, so... What do you mean, don't? 172 00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:04,993 Well, just pretend it doesn't exist. 173 00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:07,839 There. Out of sight, out of mind. 174 00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:09,029 Right. 175 00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:11,151 Right, blow. 176 00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:14,914 Don't get any spit on them! 177 00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:21,999 I've got a doctor's pubic hair in my tummy. 178 00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:24,270 OK. Blow. 179 00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:31,076 Right, fuck off. 180 00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:35,515 - Is it Mac's? - No! 181 00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:40,876 Oh, can I get my results envelope back, please? 182 00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:42,274 Your what? 183 00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:48,839 Results envelope back, that you are sitting on. Please. 184 00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:50,916 What envelope? 185 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:55,710 Right, I'm going to wait. 186 00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:01,320 That part of the day we've all been looking forward to. 187 00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:06,753 Nurse Richardson, perhaps you'd like to choose, movie genre or regional accent? 188 00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:09,189 - Regional accent, please. - Excellent choice. 189 00:14:09,320 --> 00:14:12,676 Dr Todd, perhaps you'd like to pick today's regional accent. 190 00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:16,634 - Surrey. Buckinghamshire. Er, Swiss. - Northeast, Newcastle. 191 00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:19,320 Tricky, but always very funny. Good choice. 192 00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:22,876 All reet, then, shall we get on and start the operation? 193 00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:26,310 Yahs, I think we should. Yes, I think we should. 194 00:14:26,440 --> 00:14:28,158 Oh, I'm not doing it. It's silly. 195 00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:31,238 I was just gannin' to fetch youse a bonny scalpel, pet. 196 00:14:31,360 --> 00:14:34,477 Aye, thank you. Would you like a little fishy on a little dishy? 197 00:14:34,600 --> 00:14:38,070 - Why, aye. - Ah, champion. Thou shalt have a mackerel. 198 00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,589 All reet, then, let's not waste any more time, 199 00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:46,397 so it's eyes doon and let's open her up. Is she totally oot? 200 00:14:46,520 --> 00:14:50,877 Yahs, I think she's totally out. Yahs, she's totally... 201 00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:54,959 - Oh, I'm not playing. - Ah, come on, man, come and play. 202 00:14:56,160 --> 00:14:58,754 I'd have done it if it was movies. 203 00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:03,395 What? Does it say "No smoking"? 204 00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:08,674 Does it say no smoking? What way to the dole office? 205 00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:12,910 Do you know, I'm unemployed and I have a mullet. 206 00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:17,031 Next! 207 00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:27,679 Stop talking like bloody Jimmy Nail or Ant and Dec, or I'll turn off the machine! 208 00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:32,112 All reet, pets, I want you all to resume normal accentage. 209 00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:36,711 I'm just saying that if he's failed again, I think it might tip him over the edge. 210 00:15:36,840 --> 00:15:39,718 Survival of the fittest. Grrr! 211 00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:42,798 Martin needs to toughen up. Come on! 212 00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:51,236 Maybe he's not cut out to be a doctor. 213 00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:54,670 Maybe he should just, I don't know, stick to being like a nurse. 214 00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:57,030 I mean, they can be as thick as pigshit. 215 00:15:57,160 --> 00:15:58,912 Ow! Fucking ow! 216 00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:01,349 - Sorry about that. - I could've got concussion! 217 00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:04,677 - Toughen up, Guy. - Survival of the fittest. 218 00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:10,875 Take that, "Dealing With Difficult People", and fuck off! 219 00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:12,319 Wanker! 220 00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:18,995 Hold on, watch this. 221 00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:27,152 Ahh... 222 00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:31,669 Now that's... magic! Magic! 223 00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:34,314 - Magic? - That's magic. 224 00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:37,876 Ooh, no! Oh, it's been right up my anus. 225 00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:49,232 Up, up, up. 226 00:16:49,360 --> 00:16:52,033 - I'm worried about my hair. - Don't be such a wimp. 227 00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:54,799 Why can't we use the proper thing with the leather strap? 228 00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:59,550 Use an international-standard topmiler? Don't be ridiculous. Anyway, it's mine. 229 00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:02,672 OK, this is a classic three-person variation of the game. 230 00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:07,237 Tilt your head forward... Arrête! We just have to put the ball into the basket. 231 00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:09,476 I can't see patients with a basket on my head. No way! 232 00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:14,276 Stay in the parish. If you reach the maison, put your left arm up and shout "Maison". 233 00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:15,355 Maison! 234 00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:18,278 No burrow tactics and no hedgehogs. Is that clear? 235 00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:20,118 - No. Not really. I can't... - OK. 236 00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:23,835 I won the toss, so stickles are random and it's a two-bounce ubique. 237 00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:27,589 Right, go, move. Run, run! Move, damn it, or I'll towel-whip you! 238 00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:29,551 Right, my friend, the game is on. 239 00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:31,636 - One thing... - What? 240 00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:34,797 - Martin likes me! - Gaaa-ha-ha! 241 00:17:50,280 --> 00:17:53,716 - You think you're clever, don't you? - Reasonably, yes. 242 00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:56,957 You think you're so clever. You think you're a real man 243 00:17:57,080 --> 00:18:00,231 because you've got Joanna trotting after you like a puppy! 244 00:18:00,360 --> 00:18:01,315 If you say so. 245 00:18:01,440 --> 00:18:04,830 Well, we are going to find out who the real man is, right now! 246 00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:10,478 - If I could just drink my coffee... - I bet you would, but that's not an option! 247 00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:13,670 - What's that? - This is how we'll decide. 248 00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:16,268 - What? - Tug of war. Get up. 249 00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:18,709 - You've got to be joking. - Get up. A tug of war. 250 00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:21,718 - I don't want to. - Get up now! Get up for the tug of war! 251 00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:23,876 Get up, get up, get up, get up... 252 00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:26,150 Right, give me that. 253 00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:34,235 - Ready? - Ready. 254 00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:38,148 And... go! 255 00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:48,233 Wrong shoes. Wait there. 256 00:19:02,360 --> 00:19:07,673 Having spread that little bit of joy, I'm out of here. Thank you. Very good. Goodbye. 257 00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:09,597 - Bye. - Bye. 258 00:19:09,720 --> 00:19:11,676 - Who was that again? - Guy... 259 00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:14,394 - No, that can't be right. I'm Guy. - No, listen. 260 00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:17,592 There's something I've been meaning to say to you. 261 00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:21,838 We can't, not here. People are watching. Anyway, it wouldn't be hygienic. 262 00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:25,635 Just stop it for once, will you? 263 00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:31,990 You seem a complete knobhead, obviously, and everyone knows you're a bastard... 264 00:19:32,120 --> 00:19:35,192 - Thank you very much! - But I think I know why you do it. 265 00:19:35,320 --> 00:19:39,279 Now, in there you're the only one who doesn't use a mask. Right? 266 00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:43,279 But actually you do. There's layers and layers of mask. 267 00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:47,473 And I think that if you just peeled back the layers of mask, 268 00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:52,116 then the onion becomes... a lot less of a red herring. 269 00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:53,798 - Does it? - Yes. 270 00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:59,392 And, you see, there are good bits to the onion, like at my party and your thoughtful presents, 271 00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:03,035 and the man who thinks that children are the future. 272 00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:07,312 But it's all surrounded by these yucky layers that have all gone a bit yellow 273 00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:12,195 and this hard outer shiny skin of someone who's pretending to be unlovable, 274 00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:14,880 but, well, maybe he's just scared, I don't know. 275 00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:18,549 Maybe he needs to find someone who can peel back all the layers 276 00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:23,515 and look at the raw, sensitive vegetable in the mirror. 277 00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:29,112 My God... You're the first person who's ever really understood. 278 00:20:30,120 --> 00:20:31,269 What? 279 00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:38,112 You're the first person to see under my onion layers and see the real me. 280 00:20:39,840 --> 00:20:47,235 OK... OK, so maybe we can have a grown-up chat, you know, cut through all the bullshit. 281 00:20:47,360 --> 00:20:50,670 Oh, maybe we could go for a drive in the country - 282 00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:54,110 you know, fresh air, open spaces, meee... 283 00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:57,038 - I'm strangely aroused. - Inevitably. 284 00:20:57,800 --> 00:21:00,997 I assume we won't be heading too far north. 285 00:21:01,120 --> 00:21:06,069 No. Well, my car is instantly immobilised if I go past Luton. 286 00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:29,079 All by myself... 287 00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:31,270 I don't want to be... 288 00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:36,997 All by myself any more... 289 00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:41,909 Still here. 290 00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:44,474 All by... 291 00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:51,389 Open it. Open it, open it, open it, open it... 292 00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:54,637 Oi. I've written a song. It goes: Who's the man, who's the man? 293 00:21:54,760 --> 00:21:56,557 Is Guy the man? Yes, yes, I am 294 00:21:56,680 --> 00:21:59,274 That's a really good song. Just going to get a salad. 295 00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:01,436 All right, wee man? 296 00:22:01,560 --> 00:22:04,950 Yeah. You seem pleased with yourself - more than usual, I mean. 297 00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:07,992 Yep. Because I've cracked it - me and Caroline. 298 00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:10,429 I thought you might like to be first to know. 299 00:22:10,560 --> 00:22:13,757 What, you and Caroline have... ? You... No. 300 00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:17,509 What, you mean, you and... ? Where? 301 00:22:17,640 --> 00:22:21,918 Not yet, but you're right, no point wasting time. Thanks. Tonight is the night. 302 00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:25,316 - No, I didn't mean... - Could you pop out for me to get condoms? 303 00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:28,750 I know what you're going to say - surely I've got condoms already? 304 00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:32,316 Well, yes, I have, but I need... special ones. 305 00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:35,000 The pharmacy will know what I'm talking about. 306 00:22:35,120 --> 00:22:38,271 You don't need any money, I've got an account. 307 00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:39,992 - I'm not... - Go! 308 00:22:40,120 --> 00:22:42,509 - But... - Now! 309 00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:50,033 Oh, I always wanted one of those. 310 00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:52,799 What's that, a small boy? 311 00:22:52,920 --> 00:22:55,388 No, a remote-controlled car. 312 00:22:57,080 --> 00:22:59,275 Don't move. 313 00:23:16,440 --> 00:23:19,159 - Here we go. - I can't believe you gave him a lighter! 314 00:23:19,280 --> 00:23:21,475 It's all right, they're five for a pound. 315 00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:24,637 - Mac?! - They only spark. He'll be fine. 316 00:23:24,760 --> 00:23:27,957 Ready? Live the dream. 317 00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:33,953 Oh, sorry. 318 00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:36,071 Nice one. Living up to expectations? 319 00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:38,760 All right, just wait a second. 320 00:23:40,240 --> 00:23:41,195 Oh. Erm... 321 00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:45,916 One early tip is to master the basic controls first and leave the big stunts until later. 322 00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:47,758 Yeah, yeah, OK. 323 00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:49,632 - Let me show you. - No, I'll be fine. 324 00:23:49,760 --> 00:23:52,320 No, go on, trust me. 325 00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:54,510 That's forwards and backwards, yeah? 326 00:23:54,640 --> 00:23:58,474 That is left and right. Left and right, forwards and backwards. 327 00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:01,592 And is that the same as we grown-ups call reverse? 328 00:24:01,720 --> 00:24:03,915 - Being patronising? - No, just childish. 329 00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:08,158 Well, thank God for that. Here we go. Forwards and backwards... 330 00:24:20,520 --> 00:24:22,431 I'll, erm... 331 00:24:24,440 --> 00:24:27,876 - I'll remove my arm, then. - Yeah, if you wouldn't mind. 332 00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:30,116 Well, yeah, thanks for the ride. 333 00:24:30,240 --> 00:24:32,071 Thank you very much. 334 00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:35,349 Can you smell burning? 335 00:24:48,400 --> 00:24:51,949 I don't know, I don't know! They're all the same! She hates me! 336 00:24:52,080 --> 00:24:56,995 OK, let's just calm down, Dr Statham. Let's try to deal with this rationally. 337 00:24:57,120 --> 00:25:00,112 Right? Let's take a few moments to breathe deeply. 338 00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:02,708 All right, if you think that'll help. 339 00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:10,797 That's it, that's it. Close your eyes and just try to relax. That's it. 340 00:25:13,120 --> 00:25:15,350 Just centre yourself. 341 00:25:17,760 --> 00:25:19,591 Yes, yes. 342 00:25:22,840 --> 00:25:26,435 Yes, yes, and in a sense that does... 343 00:25:27,800 --> 00:25:29,916 Oh, you bloody bastard! 344 00:25:31,160 --> 00:25:37,429 You bloody bastard! You bloody, bloody, bloody, bloody bastard! 345 00:25:40,840 --> 00:25:42,398 Yes, hello? 346 00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:47,913 No. No, no, no, I'm afraid she's just nipped out... to poo on a plate! 347 00:25:48,040 --> 00:25:51,157 No... Director of Finance, yes. 348 00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:53,316 All right, wait... 349 00:25:53,440 --> 00:25:59,436 Hm? No, no, this is not Alan Statham, it's somebody completely different. 350 00:26:05,200 --> 00:26:07,156 Right. 351 00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:12,877 Yes. 352 00:26:28,760 --> 00:26:32,389 Think positively, breathe, and just do it. It'll be fine. 353 00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:34,715 - But what if it isn't? - We're here for you. 354 00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:37,513 - What the fuck is all this therapy shit? - It's here! 355 00:26:37,640 --> 00:26:42,270 What is, Christmas? A new ice age? A cleaner, brighter wash? What? 356 00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:45,153 - Martin's got his results. - Oh, is it terminal? 357 00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:47,874 - His MRCP. - Oh, I feel sick. 358 00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:51,913 So do I. It's the aroma of women who care, mingled with Martin's fear. 359 00:26:52,040 --> 00:26:55,635 - If I've failed, that's going to be the end. - Thank God for that! 360 00:26:55,760 --> 00:26:58,752 Look, this is actually quite a big deal! 361 00:26:58,880 --> 00:27:02,509 OK, then. Well, let's get it over with. 362 00:27:02,640 --> 00:27:06,349 It's eating away at you like a cancerous growth. Let's whip it out. 363 00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:08,471 - You can't do that. - I'll do it. 364 00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:10,909 Listen. You'll thank me for this later. Let's get it over with. 365 00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:13,873 - No. - Martin, maybe it's for the best. 366 00:27:14,000 --> 00:27:17,709 OK, right. Whatever I do, don't stop, just open it, OK? 367 00:27:17,840 --> 00:27:19,068 All right. 368 00:27:19,200 --> 00:27:22,158 - No! - Can you restrain him, please? 369 00:27:22,280 --> 00:27:24,510 Ready? Here I go. 370 00:27:26,360 --> 00:27:30,672 Hear that? That's the result, there it is. Oh, yes, oh, oh, oh... 371 00:27:33,680 --> 00:27:35,636 Ooh. 372 00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:39,311 - I know the answer. - Oh, God... 373 00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:43,592 It's in my head. It exists. Do you want to hear it? 374 00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:46,075 No. Yes. Go on, tell me, quick. 375 00:27:46,200 --> 00:27:48,316 Martin Dear... 376 00:27:48,440 --> 00:27:49,395 Yeah? 377 00:27:49,520 --> 00:27:53,513 You... have... 378 00:27:54,680 --> 00:28:00,312 - Oh, come on, Guy, get on with it! - OK. Now, Martin Dear... 379 00:28:00,440 --> 00:28:02,635 you... have... 380 00:28:02,760 --> 00:28:05,035 - Who wants to suck my cock? - No! 381 00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:09,472 Martin might want to in a minute, because, congratulations, you have passed with merit! 382 00:28:09,600 --> 00:28:14,628 You are now a... proper doctor! 383 00:28:41,680 --> 00:28:44,877 Good boy! 384 00:28:45,000 --> 00:28:47,195 Yes! Yes! 385 00:28:47,320 --> 00:28:49,914 Hooray! Martin, yes! 386 00:28:50,040 --> 00:28:52,076 Marty! Marty! 387 00:28:53,720 --> 00:28:55,836 Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey. 388 00:28:55,960 --> 00:28:58,633 What's wrong with you? Are you mad? I was joking. 389 00:28:58,760 --> 00:29:03,276 Of course he didn't pass. He failed. What's wrong with you people? 390 00:29:04,640 --> 00:29:05,993 What? 391 00:29:06,120 --> 00:29:08,031 What? What?! 392 00:29:08,160 --> 00:29:14,429 Oh, so now I'm not allowed to make jokes about Martin and his exams, is that it? 393 00:29:14,560 --> 00:29:16,994 Is that... Oh, Christ! 394 00:29:32,260 --> 00:29:34,171 Well? 395 00:29:34,300 --> 00:29:36,291 I failed. 396 00:29:36,420 --> 00:29:39,776 Oh, boo-hoo. God... 397 00:29:42,060 --> 00:29:43,937 Tosser! 398 00:30:07,860 --> 00:30:12,695 That's how I lost my virginity. She had nice tits for a 45-year-old. 399 00:30:12,820 --> 00:30:15,380 I haven't seen her since, though. 400 00:30:21,020 --> 00:30:22,533 Well? 401 00:30:22,660 --> 00:30:24,935 Well what, you scrawny poof? 402 00:30:27,380 --> 00:30:30,611 You're not a poof! You're not a poof! You're not a poof! 403 00:30:30,740 --> 00:30:31,809 And? 404 00:30:31,940 --> 00:30:33,931 And you are a poof! 405 00:30:36,340 --> 00:30:38,570 - Come on! Come on! - What are you doing?! 406 00:30:38,700 --> 00:30:40,816 - Get off! - Not the hands, not the hands! 407 00:30:40,940 --> 00:30:42,737 Yeah, well, not the hair! 408 00:30:44,540 --> 00:30:47,008 Mac, that is really sharp. 409 00:30:47,140 --> 00:30:49,529 - That's hot. - Yeah, and I'll use it! 410 00:30:52,940 --> 00:30:54,976 - Argh! - Mac! Don't! 411 00:30:55,100 --> 00:31:00,094 Don't! Put it down! Put the coffee down! Put it down! We'll talk. I'm sorry. 412 00:31:00,220 --> 00:31:05,248 I'm putting it down. Look. OK? It's down, all right? 413 00:31:06,220 --> 00:31:09,257 Now we'll just sit down and we'll talk, OK? 414 00:31:09,380 --> 00:31:13,373 No, the other chair. I'll sit on this chair. Sit down. 415 00:31:13,500 --> 00:31:15,218 All right? 416 00:31:20,020 --> 00:31:22,409 Out of my way, baldy! 417 00:31:32,180 --> 00:31:33,932 Hi. 418 00:31:47,420 --> 00:31:49,854 Ow! You've got your knee on my balls! 419 00:31:49,980 --> 00:31:52,574 Ow! My knee... Your knee... 420 00:31:53,580 --> 00:31:55,730 Shit! 421 00:31:57,220 --> 00:31:59,290 Oh, you bitch! 422 00:31:59,420 --> 00:32:01,490 They're all... 423 00:32:02,500 --> 00:32:03,649 bitches! 424 00:32:03,780 --> 00:32:07,170 So... thank you, thank you, God! 425 00:32:07,300 --> 00:32:10,736 Thank you so very much for ruining my life - 426 00:32:10,860 --> 00:32:15,615 if you exist, which I doubt, otherwise you wouldn't have taken her from me. 427 00:32:16,500 --> 00:32:19,776 Right, one more chance. One more chance to bring her back. 428 00:32:19,900 --> 00:32:21,538 I'll start counting. 429 00:32:21,660 --> 00:32:24,857 Right. One... two... 430 00:32:26,020 --> 00:32:28,170 three... Come on! 431 00:32:28,300 --> 00:32:30,768 Four. Five. 432 00:32:30,900 --> 00:32:33,016 - Hello, there. - Oh, my fucksie! 433 00:32:33,140 --> 00:32:34,619 Oh. I... 434 00:32:35,980 --> 00:32:38,096 I thought you were her. 435 00:32:38,580 --> 00:32:44,450 But I suppose I have to face it. God's a sod. She's gone. 436 00:32:45,660 --> 00:32:49,289 Oh, I'm so sorry. Was it sudden? 437 00:32:49,420 --> 00:32:51,809 Yes. Yes and no. It's, erm... 438 00:32:51,940 --> 00:32:56,491 In a sense I could see it coming and in another sense, I... I couldn't. 439 00:32:57,940 --> 00:33:00,738 - It doesn't make it any easier, does it? - No. No. 440 00:33:00,860 --> 00:33:06,651 And here I am, an empty... h-h-hole. 441 00:33:06,780 --> 00:33:12,776 Would you like to light a candle for her? Some people find that very comforting. 442 00:33:13,980 --> 00:33:16,255 Death is never easy. 443 00:33:17,220 --> 00:33:18,858 My God, is she dead?! 444 00:33:18,980 --> 00:33:20,095 - Who? - Joanna? 445 00:33:20,220 --> 00:33:21,699 - Joanna? - Joanna? 446 00:33:21,820 --> 00:33:25,290 - Joanna... ? - She... No. No, no! No, no, no. 447 00:33:25,420 --> 00:33:30,540 No, she just dumped me, like a piece of old furniture that... 448 00:33:30,660 --> 00:33:34,096 - I assumed she'd died. - No, no, no. 449 00:33:34,220 --> 00:33:40,295 Erm, I'm a consultant here, by the way. Dr Alan Statham, radiology. 450 00:33:40,420 --> 00:33:43,890 - Cordelia Denby, chaplain. - Chaplain... 451 00:33:44,020 --> 00:33:49,492 Oh, the "God sod" business, that's... we'll overlook. 452 00:33:52,580 --> 00:33:55,617 Could we light a candle for her anyway? 453 00:33:56,500 --> 00:33:58,695 Yes, of course. 454 00:34:05,660 --> 00:34:08,618 - Properly. - Erm... Je suis désolé. 455 00:34:08,740 --> 00:34:10,571 - In English. - Oh, God... 456 00:34:10,700 --> 00:34:13,498 Martin, I'm really s... I'm really s... 457 00:34:13,620 --> 00:34:18,330 I'm really s-s-sorry that I told you you'd passed your exams when you hadn't. 458 00:34:21,900 --> 00:34:23,777 Now hug. 459 00:34:23,900 --> 00:34:26,289 - What? - I said hug. 460 00:34:27,380 --> 00:34:29,655 Fucking hug! 461 00:34:32,820 --> 00:34:34,776 I said hug! 462 00:34:38,420 --> 00:34:40,615 All right, don't try and cop a feel. Ow! 463 00:34:40,740 --> 00:34:42,731 Oh, are you all right? 464 00:35:07,060 --> 00:35:10,450 I want Mac struck off. He's gay and I've got proof. 465 00:35:10,580 --> 00:35:13,856 So if you could please get out the appropriate form, I... 466 00:35:13,980 --> 00:35:17,768 Who's the bearded ponce? Is that Noel Edmonds? 467 00:35:19,300 --> 00:35:20,653 Oh. 468 00:35:20,780 --> 00:35:22,259 Erm... 469 00:35:25,620 --> 00:35:27,690 Oh, it doesn't matter. 470 00:35:30,580 --> 00:35:36,689 "Long ago, the people of the earth were being bad, and this made God very sad". 471 00:35:36,820 --> 00:35:41,530 "He wanted to wash his world clean again. He would make it rain". 472 00:35:41,660 --> 00:35:43,013 Noah. 473 00:35:43,140 --> 00:35:45,210 Yes, that's right, Alan. Very good. 474 00:35:45,340 --> 00:35:49,856 Let's not shout out. It's not a test. Let's just listen and enjoy. 475 00:35:50,900 --> 00:35:55,769 "But there was a good man, and his name was Noah". 476 00:35:57,780 --> 00:36:00,852 - Thanking you most kindly. - No, thank you. 477 00:36:00,980 --> 00:36:04,370 My, aren't we civilised. God save the Queen. 478 00:36:05,300 --> 00:36:08,053 - Now I have seen everything. - She's not here, is she? 479 00:36:08,180 --> 00:36:10,740 No, look - he's signing. 480 00:36:11,420 --> 00:36:13,729 Incredible. He's got hidden talents. 481 00:36:13,860 --> 00:36:18,695 He seems like such a wanker in public. In private, he's practically a saint. 482 00:36:22,380 --> 00:36:24,018 Greetings, dogsbody. 483 00:36:24,140 --> 00:36:27,655 - I didn't know you could sign. - Well, got to make an effort, haven't you? 484 00:36:27,780 --> 00:36:29,816 So, he a deaf relative, is he? 485 00:36:29,940 --> 00:36:32,898 No, that is Dominic Carver, a guy I was at school with. 486 00:36:33,020 --> 00:36:35,614 - He must've been a really good friend. - No. Jesus, no! 487 00:36:35,740 --> 00:36:39,016 He used to pull these faces whenever he tried to say anything. 488 00:36:39,140 --> 00:36:42,735 And he'd make this popping noise with his mouth. I couldn't bear him. 489 00:36:42,860 --> 00:36:45,090 Then why did you learn sign language? 490 00:36:45,220 --> 00:36:49,452 I didn't. I can only do "I don't understand sign language" 491 00:36:49,580 --> 00:36:52,458 and "Fuck you, deaf boy". 492 00:36:55,900 --> 00:36:57,891 Yeah, well... 493 00:37:04,420 --> 00:37:05,853 What? 494 00:37:06,460 --> 00:37:09,452 Yeah, well, very funny, Stevie Wonder! 495 00:37:09,580 --> 00:37:12,856 No, he was blind, wasn't he? He said he'd hurt his finger... 496 00:37:12,980 --> 00:37:15,540 See the spittle? And the popping noises... 497 00:37:15,660 --> 00:37:18,697 Loser! He can't hear me, that's the... 498 00:37:20,820 --> 00:37:22,617 Otherwise known as the Ark. 499 00:37:22,740 --> 00:37:26,255 "Now, Noah had three sons". 500 00:37:26,380 --> 00:37:29,292 Perhaps Alan can tell us their names? 501 00:37:32,980 --> 00:37:34,936 Hob? 502 00:37:36,220 --> 00:37:38,450 Paph... Papheth? 503 00:37:41,860 --> 00:37:43,771 Meke? 504 00:37:43,900 --> 00:37:46,812 - "Their names were Ham... " - Ham. 505 00:37:46,940 --> 00:37:48,498 - "..Shem... " - Yes, Shep. 506 00:37:48,620 --> 00:37:51,259 - "..and Ja... " - Jab. 507 00:37:51,380 --> 00:37:53,575 "... Japheth". 508 00:38:13,220 --> 00:38:18,499 - We are... - The champions, my friend... 509 00:38:20,660 --> 00:38:26,053 We'll keep on... till the end 510 00:38:26,180 --> 00:38:28,091 You've got four Queen CDs. 511 00:38:28,220 --> 00:38:30,893 - So? - Four? 512 00:38:31,020 --> 00:38:34,137 - What's wrong with that? They're good. - That's as maybe. It's too many. 513 00:38:34,260 --> 00:38:37,013 Brian May caresses that guitar like a woman. 514 00:38:37,140 --> 00:38:39,017 Oh, do women make better guitarists? 515 00:38:39,140 --> 00:38:41,495 No, like the guitar's a woman. He's not a woman. 516 00:38:41,620 --> 00:38:43,372 - He looks like one. - No, no, no. 517 00:38:43,500 --> 00:38:46,740 Very much a hot-blooded male, is Brian. 518 00:38:46,820 --> 00:38:49,778 - What, like Freddie Mercury? - Yeah. 519 00:38:53,100 --> 00:38:55,614 - What? - What? 520 00:38:55,740 --> 00:38:59,699 Freddie Mercury, the one that was in Queen? Hot-blooded male, straight? 521 00:38:59,820 --> 00:39:01,412 Probably. I don't know. 522 00:39:01,540 --> 00:39:03,292 - You don't know? - Does it matter? 523 00:39:03,420 --> 00:39:10,451 Well, not to me, no, but as a fan I think you ought to know he was gay. 524 00:39:10,580 --> 00:39:14,129 - Big deal. - But it's been no bed of roses 525 00:39:15,020 --> 00:39:18,012 No pleasure cruise 526 00:39:18,140 --> 00:39:20,938 Shall we have something else? I mean, I'm not homophobic. 527 00:39:21,060 --> 00:39:21,936 No, no. I know. 528 00:39:22,060 --> 00:39:27,453 It's just you get certain things, images, pictures in your head, and then... Anyway... 529 00:39:27,580 --> 00:39:30,048 - You've spoilt it for me now. - Sorry. 530 00:39:32,180 --> 00:39:36,219 It's a little bit funny... Now that's more like it! 531 00:39:36,340 --> 00:39:39,377 This feeling inside 532 00:39:39,980 --> 00:39:46,772 I'm not one of those who can easily hide... 533 00:39:50,880 --> 00:39:53,030 - Sorry. - It's all right. Bye, Josh. 534 00:39:53,400 --> 00:39:56,597 What a lovely-looking kid. 535 00:40:01,160 --> 00:40:03,913 - Well, this is nice. - Yeah. 536 00:40:04,040 --> 00:40:05,314 Oi! 537 00:40:05,440 --> 00:40:08,671 Get out of there! That took me ages, that did! 538 00:40:08,800 --> 00:40:11,519 I said get out of there! I'm talking to you, blondie! 539 00:40:11,640 --> 00:40:15,952 That is my... Sometimes... I love kids, though. Absolutely love them. 540 00:40:16,640 --> 00:40:18,790 Have you had operatic training? 541 00:40:18,920 --> 00:40:21,753 - I do sing, actually. Could you tell? - Yeah. 542 00:40:21,880 --> 00:40:24,599 Oh, you remembered: It's a little bit funny... 543 00:40:24,720 --> 00:40:27,917 - Don't start that again. - I know quite a few of his songs. 544 00:40:28,040 --> 00:40:29,268 I know. 545 00:40:29,400 --> 00:40:34,076 You-you spread love like... like honey. 546 00:40:34,200 --> 00:40:37,795 Like... butter and honey. 547 00:40:37,920 --> 00:40:40,354 - His love. - Well, and your love. 548 00:40:40,480 --> 00:40:44,678 - No, not so much, actually. - I can... I can feel it. 549 00:40:44,800 --> 00:40:46,791 Well, that's very interesting... Erm... 550 00:40:46,920 --> 00:40:48,558 Can you feel mine? 551 00:40:48,680 --> 00:40:51,513 I think you're confusing two different kinds of love. 552 00:40:51,640 --> 00:40:54,712 - Love is love, isn't it? - No, I don't think it is, actually. 553 00:40:54,840 --> 00:40:58,515 Well, we must all love each other, surely. 554 00:40:58,640 --> 00:40:59,595 Yes. 555 00:40:59,720 --> 00:41:01,597 - So I love you... - OK... 556 00:41:01,720 --> 00:41:03,312 And you love me... 557 00:41:03,440 --> 00:41:06,591 I see what you're getting at, and in a way it's a sound argument... 558 00:41:06,720 --> 00:41:09,792 There we are, that's settled then. We... love each other. 559 00:41:09,920 --> 00:41:12,195 - No, you see... - I have to go now. 560 00:41:12,320 --> 00:41:17,030 Duty calls. But can I come back later and pick up where we left off? 561 00:41:17,160 --> 00:41:18,991 - How much later? - 20 minutes? 562 00:41:19,120 --> 00:41:26,151 - Sure you're getting enough work done? - Work, yes, but we have fatter fish to fry. 563 00:41:27,920 --> 00:41:31,993 - Was I supposed to bring sandwiches? - Oh, I thought we could feed the deer. 564 00:41:32,120 --> 00:41:34,270 - On bread? - Yeah. Don't they eat bread? 565 00:41:34,400 --> 00:41:37,437 Not usually. There's a shortage of good bakeries in the forest. 566 00:41:37,560 --> 00:41:40,313 They've had to adapt to eating bark, things like that. 567 00:41:40,440 --> 00:41:42,192 It's wholemeal. 568 00:41:42,800 --> 00:41:46,793 Right. Oh, look, nettles. I bet you'd think these would sting me. 569 00:41:46,920 --> 00:41:49,275 - Nettles will sting you. - That's where you're wrong. 570 00:41:49,400 --> 00:41:53,313 It's all about the way you hold them. OK, watch this, all right? 571 00:41:53,440 --> 00:41:55,112 - Are you ready? - Ooh... 572 00:41:55,240 --> 00:41:58,630 It's all about the direction of the hairs. Pretty impressive, eh? 573 00:41:58,760 --> 00:42:02,719 Yeah. You are the complete man. I see that now. 574 00:42:12,280 --> 00:42:14,191 Sheep! Get down, get down! 575 00:42:14,320 --> 00:42:17,915 It is a ridiculous shift pattern if it allows Secretan the arse 576 00:42:18,040 --> 00:42:23,319 and another key member of my team to go off at the same time. Together. 577 00:42:23,440 --> 00:42:27,194 Key member of the team, no. Scatterbrained floozy, yes. 578 00:42:27,320 --> 00:42:30,630 OK, right, I don't want to be without the scatterbrained floozy... 579 00:42:30,760 --> 00:42:34,230 and without the arrogant knobhead at the same time. 580 00:42:34,360 --> 00:42:37,830 - Well, there is more than adequate cover. - I don't think there is. 581 00:42:37,960 --> 00:42:42,431 Guy is far from irreplaceable. Now that's something you've always said. 582 00:42:42,560 --> 00:42:46,030 I've always said that, yeah. Guy, very happy to have him out of my sight. 583 00:42:46,160 --> 00:42:49,516 And you managed fine before the scatterbrained floozy arrived. 584 00:42:49,640 --> 00:42:51,915 Did I? Yeah, I suppose I did. 585 00:42:52,040 --> 00:42:53,712 So what's the problem? 586 00:42:53,840 --> 00:42:58,152 I don't want them to be off both at the same time. I don't. 587 00:42:58,280 --> 00:43:00,510 - Why? - Just because. 588 00:43:00,640 --> 00:43:05,430 - Because why? - Because... because Guy is a wanker. 589 00:43:05,560 --> 00:43:08,438 Well, actually, I don't draw up the rosters. 590 00:43:08,560 --> 00:43:10,835 Sorry, are you on my side or not? 591 00:43:10,960 --> 00:43:16,398 Dr Macartney, yes, I am on your side. I'm always on your side. 592 00:43:16,520 --> 00:43:22,117 You know, I'm by your side, I'm up your side, I'm through your side, I'm under your side... 593 00:43:22,240 --> 00:43:25,630 - It's time for me to go now. Thank you. - I'm all over your side... 594 00:43:25,760 --> 00:43:29,719 I can do headstands. Now, would you like to see that? Would you? 595 00:43:29,840 --> 00:43:32,308 The... 596 00:43:32,440 --> 00:43:35,193 Like to see that... Yeah... 597 00:43:39,720 --> 00:43:40,948 Oh... 598 00:43:44,960 --> 00:43:48,077 Oh, look, sheep. Love them. 599 00:43:48,200 --> 00:43:50,395 - I think it's a calf. - Oh. 600 00:43:51,000 --> 00:43:53,514 - If you, er, if you had a son... - Yeah? 601 00:43:53,640 --> 00:43:56,632 ..would you encourage him to go into medicine? 602 00:43:56,760 --> 00:43:57,988 Erm... 603 00:43:59,280 --> 00:44:03,239 No, I would encourage him to go into Formula One. 604 00:44:03,360 --> 00:44:05,999 No! He might get killed. 605 00:44:06,120 --> 00:44:10,079 Yeah, but come on, buckets of dosh, loads of gash... 606 00:44:10,760 --> 00:44:12,591 I'm sorry? "Gash"? 607 00:44:12,720 --> 00:44:18,636 Erm, yeah, it's a motor racing term. It stands for gearbox and suspension... hiccup. 608 00:44:18,760 --> 00:44:22,594 - Oh, that'd be irresistible to any young man. - Oh, yeah. Yeah, it would. 609 00:44:22,720 --> 00:44:25,632 - Oh, no, it was a sheep. - It does look like a Mazda. 610 00:44:26,280 --> 00:44:32,628 Before we get started, erm, guys, I'd just like to say a few words, if I may. 611 00:44:33,560 --> 00:44:37,519 O Lord, help us to understand more clearly the complexities of your creation, 612 00:44:37,640 --> 00:44:44,478 to see its beauty and comprehend the... the totality of all your works. 613 00:44:44,600 --> 00:44:49,879 Help us to humbly pay attention and not try to undermine the authority 614 00:44:50,000 --> 00:44:56,473 of those you have so rightly put in charge, with... with insolence and silliness. Amen. 615 00:44:56,600 --> 00:44:59,034 - That was for my benefit, wasn't it? - Pardon? 616 00:44:59,160 --> 00:45:01,720 That last bit, the "insolence and silliness"? 617 00:45:01,840 --> 00:45:05,753 Well, that's not for me to say, Mr Boyce, or maybe for you to fathom, 618 00:45:05,880 --> 00:45:08,348 if that were to indeed be the case, or otherwise. 619 00:45:08,480 --> 00:45:11,278 It was just a dig at me because you find me infuriating. 620 00:45:11,400 --> 00:45:14,358 Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. 621 00:45:14,480 --> 00:45:18,553 And if that indeed were to prove to be the case, Mr Boyce, I do solemnly forgive you. 622 00:45:18,680 --> 00:45:20,432 - And I forgive you. - Pardon? 623 00:45:20,560 --> 00:45:22,516 - I forgive you. - No, no, I forgive you. 624 00:45:22,640 --> 00:45:24,119 And I forgive you. 625 00:45:24,240 --> 00:45:28,472 Mr Boyce, if anybody is going to do forgiving, it'll be me. 626 00:45:28,600 --> 00:45:32,479 - But in the Lord's Prayer it says... - Forgive me, but... No, don't forgive me, 627 00:45:32,600 --> 00:45:37,913 but I think you probably know as much about our Lord the Jesus as you do about... 628 00:45:38,360 --> 00:45:40,430 - I'm Jewish. - No way are you Jewish. 629 00:45:40,560 --> 00:45:43,757 No, I am Jewish. I'm a practising Jew, a Hebrew, a Son of David. 630 00:45:43,880 --> 00:45:46,519 OK, prove it. Lend me some money. 631 00:45:46,640 --> 00:45:50,189 - No. - No? Are you circumcised? 632 00:45:50,320 --> 00:45:52,515 I might be. Might not be. Could just be for hygiene reasons. 633 00:45:52,640 --> 00:45:55,234 Right, come on, show us your foreskin. 634 00:45:55,360 --> 00:45:57,794 - No. - Mucky cock! 635 00:45:59,600 --> 00:46:02,910 Yeah, but how would you feel if you were a fox? 636 00:46:03,040 --> 00:46:07,352 I'd love it. I'd relish the challenge. I'd look at the hounds and go, "Bring it on". 637 00:46:07,480 --> 00:46:12,270 But that's because you're quite sporty. How would you feel if you were a non-sporty fox? 638 00:46:12,400 --> 00:46:15,198 - What, a geeky intellectual fox? - If you like. 639 00:46:15,320 --> 00:46:21,793 Well, then I would accept that I was a pest and needed to be culled on a large scale. 640 00:46:21,920 --> 00:46:25,913 - That's very selfless of you. - Well, you did say I was intellectual. 641 00:46:27,000 --> 00:46:30,629 Yeah, but supposing you were chased into the next county 642 00:46:30,760 --> 00:46:33,957 and you had to abandon your poor little cubs. 643 00:46:34,080 --> 00:46:40,394 Well, then I'd find me another supervixen and I'd... I'd start all over again. 644 00:46:41,680 --> 00:46:45,116 Yes. Yes, I think you would. 645 00:46:46,920 --> 00:46:49,229 Shall we get back now? 646 00:46:52,320 --> 00:46:56,757 - But that was only hypothetical, wasn't it? - Well, yes, you're not actually a fox, Guy. 647 00:46:56,880 --> 00:47:00,395 That's just what I'd do if I was a fox, and I'm not, I'm a human being. 648 00:47:00,520 --> 00:47:02,750 - Are you? - Yeah, and I'm going back for them. 649 00:47:02,880 --> 00:47:05,075 - What? - I'm going back for the cubs. 650 00:47:05,200 --> 00:47:07,589 - Oh, it's too late now. - No, it's not too late. 651 00:47:07,720 --> 00:47:09,950 - Oh, it really is. - Why? 652 00:47:10,080 --> 00:47:13,516 - The hounds tore them to shreds. - No!! 653 00:47:14,360 --> 00:47:18,592 - What are you doing? Get up. - Argh! My cubs! My cubs! 654 00:47:18,720 --> 00:47:21,075 Oh, no! No! 655 00:47:21,200 --> 00:47:23,555 Don't... You're going to rip my top. Get off. 656 00:47:23,680 --> 00:47:28,959 My cubs. My cubs, dead... Why? How could you let this happen?! 657 00:47:29,080 --> 00:47:33,596 Aargh! Aaargh! Aaargh! Aaargh! Aaarrgh! Aaaaarrgghh! 658 00:47:37,200 --> 00:47:40,590 There are times when you can't be with your husband, 659 00:47:40,720 --> 00:47:46,989 and I understand that waiting rooms are depressing places at the best of times. 660 00:47:47,960 --> 00:47:51,157 You'd be surprised how many people prefer to spend time here - 661 00:47:51,280 --> 00:47:53,350 not for any religious reason, 662 00:47:53,480 --> 00:47:58,713 but because it's a peaceful and relaxing place, at a very stressful time. 663 00:47:58,840 --> 00:48:00,193 Yes, that's right. 664 00:48:00,320 --> 00:48:06,509 It's also nice to escape from the medical paraphernalia, the doctors everywhere. 665 00:48:06,640 --> 00:48:09,393 It's just nice to cut yourself off for a few moments. 666 00:48:09,520 --> 00:48:12,114 We feel it's important to... to escape. 667 00:48:12,240 --> 00:48:15,630 - Was there something that you wanted? - Me? No, no. 668 00:48:15,760 --> 00:48:20,993 - Just do feel that we are here for you. - No, I'm here. 669 00:48:21,120 --> 00:48:24,476 Togetherness, as the Lord said himself. 670 00:48:24,600 --> 00:48:27,990 - Right. Would you like to come through... - Yes. 671 00:48:44,680 --> 00:48:47,717 It's a little bit funny 672 00:48:48,440 --> 00:48:51,512 This feeling inside... 673 00:48:57,760 --> 00:49:00,194 I forgot my stupid house keys. 674 00:49:00,640 --> 00:49:01,755 You all right? 675 00:49:01,880 --> 00:49:06,635 No. I'm exhausted, I've eaten my body weight in chocolate in the car, 676 00:49:06,760 --> 00:49:10,548 I'm all bloated and my feet hurt. And I haven't had sex in months. 677 00:49:10,680 --> 00:49:12,477 I know how you feel. 678 00:49:25,760 --> 00:49:27,193 You're late. 679 00:49:27,320 --> 00:49:31,677 Look, Martin, what I just said about not having had sex in a while... 680 00:49:32,640 --> 00:49:34,517 - Yes? - Well, I was wondering... 681 00:49:34,640 --> 00:49:36,835 Yeah. Yes, I will. 682 00:49:36,960 --> 00:49:41,112 - I haven't told you what I want you to do. - Don't worry, I'm a really adventurous man. 683 00:49:41,240 --> 00:49:42,434 - Are you? - Yes. 684 00:49:42,560 --> 00:49:47,509 I just don't want you to go round telling everyone that I haven't had sex in ages. 685 00:49:47,640 --> 00:49:50,552 Fine. OK, well, my lips are sealed. 686 00:49:50,680 --> 00:49:53,035 Oh, thanks, Martin. 687 00:49:55,680 --> 00:50:00,800 So, you want your ginger friend placed in bin bags all over the city, do you? 688 00:50:00,920 --> 00:50:04,469 - Jesus, no! - It's all right, just kidding. 689 00:50:05,600 --> 00:50:09,195 So, how much for what we discussed? 690 00:50:09,800 --> 00:50:12,872 - What, for cutting his hair off? - Yeah. 691 00:50:13,000 --> 00:50:14,149 Two. 692 00:50:14,280 --> 00:50:16,077 Two thousand pounds?! 693 00:50:16,200 --> 00:50:18,350 No! Two hundred. Jesus! 694 00:50:18,480 --> 00:50:19,435 Oh, right. 695 00:50:19,560 --> 00:50:23,189 Oh, you're like a girl, aren't you? I can say anything to you. 696 00:50:23,320 --> 00:50:29,429 No, no, I'm not a girl. I am a man, with a man's needs. 697 00:50:29,560 --> 00:50:32,199 Yeah, but to me you're just like a girlfriend. 698 00:50:34,040 --> 00:50:38,716 Have you ever thought about having a sexy girlfriend who you sleep with? 699 00:50:39,800 --> 00:50:41,199 No. 700 00:50:46,280 --> 00:50:50,751 If I'm going to do this thing, I need to know that you've thought it through. 701 00:50:50,880 --> 00:50:54,475 So tell me, have you thought it through? 702 00:50:56,000 --> 00:50:57,228 No. 703 00:50:57,360 --> 00:50:59,555 People don't normally. 704 00:51:00,360 --> 00:51:05,354 Usually it's just a case of, "Oh, there's a man with long hair who's irritating me". 705 00:51:05,480 --> 00:51:09,439 "I'll call up Scissors Bentley to have him taken down a peg or two". 706 00:51:09,560 --> 00:51:12,597 - That's what I thought. - Don't look at me or touch me. 707 00:51:12,720 --> 00:51:15,598 And you still want me to do it? 708 00:51:15,720 --> 00:51:17,153 No. 709 00:51:17,280 --> 00:51:19,635 Really? Bugger! 710 00:51:19,760 --> 00:51:25,710 What about a really tight perm, or an afro, you know, like early Jackson Five? 711 00:51:25,840 --> 00:51:28,638 What am I, a stylist?! 712 00:51:28,760 --> 00:51:30,671 Oh, sorry. 713 00:51:55,640 --> 00:51:58,029 Did I leave a packet of bonbons here? 714 00:51:58,160 --> 00:52:02,870 Erm, I don't think you did actually, Julian. Maybe by the table. 715 00:52:06,040 --> 00:52:08,110 Stop it, Mac! I know it's you! 716 00:52:08,240 --> 00:52:10,196 Stop it! 717 00:52:16,160 --> 00:52:18,594 Sorry, love. 718 00:52:18,720 --> 00:52:20,995 It's all right, I'm just waiting. 719 00:52:25,920 --> 00:52:30,311 - I think she gone home, you know. - Yes, I'm just waiting for Jesus. 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net