1 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:09,752 - I love you. - What? 2 00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:11,393 Nothing. 3 00:00:12,440 --> 00:00:14,590 Do you think you'll ever have kids? 4 00:00:14,720 --> 00:00:17,154 Hello. I'm Caroline Macartney. 5 00:00:18,120 --> 00:00:21,510 One hell of a dad in me bursting to get out. 6 00:00:21,640 --> 00:00:22,595 Crikey. 7 00:00:22,720 --> 00:00:24,836 Caroline Secretan. 8 00:00:25,760 --> 00:00:27,955 There. You have it. 9 00:00:28,080 --> 00:00:31,516 Look, what... what do you think I've become? 10 00:00:34,360 --> 00:00:36,590 Completely naked under here. 11 00:00:37,560 --> 00:00:39,630 OK. 12 00:00:43,320 --> 00:00:45,072 I need a wee. 13 00:00:45,200 --> 00:00:46,997 - I love you. - OK. 14 00:00:47,120 --> 00:00:50,999 And you love me. And we love each other. 15 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:58,708 Er... you're the first person to see under my onion layers 16 00:00:58,840 --> 00:01:01,070 and see the real me. 17 00:01:05,560 --> 00:01:07,790 What? Does it say "No smoking"? 18 00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:23,269 Sometimes I feel 19 00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:25,277 I've got to 20 00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:26,594 Run away 21 00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:28,711 I've got to 22 00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:30,034 Get away 23 00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:34,199 From the pain you drive into the heart of me 24 00:01:34,320 --> 00:01:36,959 The love we share 25 00:01:37,320 --> 00:01:40,392 Seems to go nowhere 26 00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:43,796 And I've lost my light 27 00:01:43,920 --> 00:01:45,831 For I toss and turn 28 00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:47,871 I can't sleep at night 29 00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:51,316 Give me all your cash. 30 00:01:52,400 --> 00:01:54,868 - Ow! It's me. It's Martin. - Oh, shit. Oh, my God! 31 00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:57,116 - You got me in the eyes! - I'm so sorry! 32 00:01:57,240 --> 00:01:59,151 Once I ran to you 33 00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:00,395 Aah-ahh 34 00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:03,114 Now I'll run from you 35 00:02:03,240 --> 00:02:06,471 This tainted love you've given I give you all... 36 00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:08,556 - Got any spare change? - None at all. 37 00:02:08,680 --> 00:02:11,592 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Actually, I don't have any change. 38 00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:14,917 And I resent being called a liar, OK? 39 00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:17,156 No, no, it's... Look. See? 40 00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:21,432 See? I've actually got no coins at all. I've only got notes. 41 00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:24,394 Ow. 42 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:27,193 - How's that? Oh, God. - 0w! Agh! 43 00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:32,110 Apart from these, which are an emergency supply for... 44 00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:34,071 the parking meters. 45 00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:37,872 - One went in there. - No, I don't think it did. 46 00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:43,074 Don't get cute, OK? I saw one when... when it fell, and it went in there. 47 00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:47,034 It was that one there, all right? So don't pull that face. 48 00:02:47,160 --> 00:02:51,392 Don't make any sudden movements either, cos I am a doc... I have a knife as well. 49 00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:53,954 - Good job we work in a hospital, eh? - Agh, God. 50 00:02:54,080 --> 00:02:56,355 You'll be fine, you'll be fine. Shit! 51 00:02:56,480 --> 00:02:58,596 Oh, tainted love 52 00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:00,199 Oh, oh, oh, oh 53 00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:02,151 Tainted love 54 00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:04,919 Don't touch me, please 55 00:03:05,040 --> 00:03:08,953 I cannot stand the way you tease 56 00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:11,878 I love you, though you hurt me so 57 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:16,232 Now I'm gonna pack my things and go 58 00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:19,508 So, will I be able to see you tonight? 59 00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:22,871 Probably. Unless I've perfected my invisibility serum. 60 00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:25,560 I've nearly got it - my toe disappeared last week. 61 00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:27,591 - Morning. Hi. - Morning. 62 00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:33,636 Your wife rang. She said the clinic called with the test results on your pus-y penis. 63 00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:36,149 - Great. - And your bleeding anus. 64 00:03:36,280 --> 00:03:39,192 - Thanks. - So if you could give your wife a ring. 65 00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:42,153 Will do. See ya. 66 00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:45,033 - Your wife? - Ignore him. He's insanely jealous. 67 00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:50,313 Oh! It's the only way I can get his breakfast down him. 68 00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:52,795 I thought everyone looked friendly. 69 00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:54,717 Well... there you go. 70 00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:57,229 At least you've made people happy. 71 00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:01,192 I went to put flowers on Mum's grave! 72 00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:05,716 Ow. Ow! 73 00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:10,239 - Ohh... Agh! - You're not blind. Don't worry. 74 00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:15,718 I know you're more of a doctor than I am, but actually you're wrong - I am blind. 75 00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:18,070 Well, for now maybe, but it won't last. 76 00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:20,316 What's going on here? Why are you crying? 77 00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:23,034 - I'm not crying! - Did a nurse shout at you again? 78 00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:25,879 - No! - Stop it. Martin's gone blind. 79 00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:27,956 - Ah. - You said I wasn't blind. 80 00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:31,595 - Oh, blind. Oh, of course. - What's that supposed to mean? 81 00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:35,315 Everybody knows - good for the prostate, bad for the eyesight. 82 00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:37,829 We gotta get you a girlfriend. What about Caroline? She's single. 83 00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:39,837 Don't listen to him, Caroline. Go away! 84 00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:43,316 - You're distressing the patient. - I'm distressing the patient? 85 00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:46,989 Was it me who sprayed nasty peppermint in his face? 86 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:50,476 - You heard. - I'm trying to think of somebody who hasn't. 87 00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:53,194 Let me think. No, I can't think of anybody. 88 00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:55,675 Ow! That's blind man's swab! 89 00:04:56,720 --> 00:04:59,439 You'll be all right. Mwah! So will you. 90 00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:09,312 - Caroline, are you here? - I'm still here, Martin. 91 00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:12,159 Maybe you should take my pulse again. 92 00:05:12,280 --> 00:05:14,430 Yep, sure. 93 00:05:22,840 --> 00:05:26,230 I haven't had you clinging to my ankles recently. Are you ill? 94 00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:29,033 Never been ruder health-wise, thank you. 95 00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:33,278 - Not missing me, then? - No, the gap of you has been amply filled. 96 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:37,188 - I bet you'd still like to fill my gap, though. - No, thank you! 97 00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:39,914 Come on, then, who is she? 98 00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:43,999 Not that cleaner? She hasn't got a sexy smile, she's got a cleft lip! 99 00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:46,475 Hm! Do I detect a note of jealousy? 100 00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:50,832 - My God, you've changed your tune! - Yes, I march to a different tune. 101 00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:54,919 What? 102 00:05:55,040 --> 00:05:58,635 Yes. And by the way, it's not a she, it's a he. 103 00:05:58,760 --> 00:06:02,116 - I knew it. - Jesus. 104 00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:04,390 Jesus? What, the one up in the sky? 105 00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:07,717 Or some South American gay boy you've picked up? 106 00:06:07,840 --> 00:06:11,116 Stop it. Stop it. You're scaring me now. 107 00:06:12,240 --> 00:06:14,913 - I wish I had bigger bosoms. - Why? 108 00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:20,273 Oh, you know, just to know what it's like to really fill a top. 109 00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:23,710 Well, you've got perfectly decent breasts. 110 00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:25,876 Have I? Thanks, Angela. 111 00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:31,438 Not many people with a smaller cup size have such good shape and buoyancy without a bra. 112 00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:34,028 Really? How d'you know? 113 00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:37,429 - Because I've seen them. - You have? When? 114 00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:39,551 - Well, you know. - No, I don't. 115 00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:42,956 We live together. Of course I've seen them. 116 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:45,831 - When? - Just around. 117 00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:51,751 - Around what? - Maybe the bath, your room. Just around. 118 00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:54,189 Look, if you don't believe me... 119 00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:56,276 They look a bit like... 120 00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:04,232 - Oh, God, you have seen them. - Yeah. 121 00:07:04,360 --> 00:07:05,509 Right. 122 00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:09,790 - Does she hand out rosettes in bed? - Who? 123 00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:12,559 Emily Brandenburg Concerto No. 1 von Posh. 124 00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:15,990 You can't complain about my girlfriend being too posh, 125 00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:19,157 and at the same time continue to be the biggest snob... 126 00:07:19,280 --> 00:07:22,397 - Snob? - You're not going to contest this one? 127 00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:25,398 I'm a man of the people. I can't be a snob. 128 00:07:25,520 --> 00:07:28,990 - How'd you make that out? - I know lots of working-class people. 129 00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:31,190 - Patients don't count. - Not patients. 130 00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:34,676 I've got lots of working-class chums... er, mates. 131 00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:39,476 - Really? Like who? - Like... some of the cleaners here. 132 00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:41,795 OK. What, you hang out with them, do you? 133 00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:45,674 Yeah. Look, there's Steve. Steve! 134 00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:47,472 - Steve-o. - Eh? 135 00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:49,716 - Steve, innit? - No. 136 00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:53,071 - Erm... well, where's Steve? - I don't know any Steve, mate. 137 00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:55,191 Really? Well, you look a lot like him. 138 00:07:55,320 --> 00:07:57,675 They all look a bit the same, do they, Guy? 139 00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:01,236 - Mac, my man. How you doin'? - Terry, good to see you, man. 140 00:08:03,320 --> 00:08:05,436 I like it. 141 00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:07,676 What do you think? 142 00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:11,030 Hm? 143 00:08:11,160 --> 00:08:14,835 Mm... I think you look a bit like a man in drag. 144 00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:16,712 Oi! 145 00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:19,354 I said a man in drag! 146 00:08:19,480 --> 00:08:21,436 Cor! 147 00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:27,757 - Did you get your shift sorted out? - Yeah. Thanks for that. 148 00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:30,348 - No worries. - You rushed off your plates? 149 00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:33,278 - What? - Your plates of meat, your feet. 150 00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:35,709 - Right. - Yeah. 151 00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:37,876 Would you Adam and Eve it, eh? 152 00:08:38,720 --> 00:08:40,676 What? 153 00:08:41,840 --> 00:08:46,072 I was only down the old Hackney Stadium last night. 154 00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:50,512 - Blew a monkey on a dog. - Really? You'll have the RSPCA after you. 155 00:08:50,640 --> 00:08:53,393 No, a monkey is 50 sheets. 156 00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:56,398 - Five hundred. - Is it? What's a pony? 157 00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:59,318 - It's like a small horse. - Who's the ponce? 158 00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:04,230 - His name's Gay... Guy. Short for Guilaume. - Excuse me, did you call me a ponce? 159 00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:06,954 - Have you got a problem? - No. Do you have a problem? 160 00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:09,913 - I ain't got a problem. - I neither have a problem either. 161 00:09:10,040 --> 00:09:15,558 That's neither good, nor bad, because now we can all be "chums" together. 162 00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:17,955 - See ya, mate. - Yeah, take it easy. 163 00:09:18,080 --> 00:09:19,399 Oi! 164 00:09:19,520 --> 00:09:22,637 - Goodbye. Go and do something menial. - Twat. 165 00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:24,591 Drone! 166 00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:53,079 Item six: tonight's charity event. 167 00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:56,192 - Ah, yes. - This is your thing, isn't it? 168 00:09:56,320 --> 00:09:58,914 Yes. Charity is very much my thing. 169 00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:03,158 I personally have been working tirelessly on our latest fund-raising event. 170 00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:07,512 Don't know how you find the time, what with all your praying. 171 00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:13,510 Tonight's fun-filled extravaganza, the Grand Slave Auction. 172 00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:17,713 - This slave auction thing's a bit tacky. - Puerile. 173 00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:22,470 Yes... yes. That's exactly what I was saying to Martin Dear, 174 00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:27,310 - whose idea the auction actually was. - I thought you worked tirelessly on this. 175 00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:30,159 - Sorry, is... is he here? - We've been through this. 176 00:10:30,280 --> 00:10:34,159 - He's Maintenance. - He is a head of department. 177 00:10:34,280 --> 00:10:37,033 - Not a proper department. - He's Head of IT. 178 00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:41,119 - Every week we get this. - I suppose radiology's proper medicine? 179 00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:44,516 I'm not even gonna dignify that with an answer. 180 00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:48,833 Yes, it bloody is! 181 00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:54,428 I should have got you to sign them ages ago. I've just been a bit distracted recently. 182 00:10:54,560 --> 00:10:57,552 - Is it something you'd like to talk about? - No. 183 00:10:57,680 --> 00:11:02,435 If something's distracting you from your work, you best get it off that lovely chest. 184 00:11:02,560 --> 00:11:05,199 - I'd rather not discuss it. - Fine. Bye. 185 00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:07,550 All right. I'll start from the beginning. 186 00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:10,638 There's this doctor. When I first arrived, I thought... 187 00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:12,512 - No, no, no! - What? 188 00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:15,074 - Is it a long story? - Yes, I suppose. 189 00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:17,998 It might be best if we don't start at the beginning. 190 00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:20,554 OK. What, halfway through? 191 00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:21,908 No! 192 00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:24,952 - Three-quarters? - Oh, who cares? 193 00:11:25,080 --> 00:11:30,234 Basically, I didn't like him. In fact, I hated him. Although I thought he had kind eyes. 194 00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:33,318 But he was rude and offhand and clever, so I thought, "No". 195 00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:38,594 But now, well... now I think maybe I like him. 196 00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:42,599 I think I was right about the eyes. Yes, I do like him. 197 00:11:42,720 --> 00:11:44,870 - I see. - In a non-professional way. 198 00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:46,831 Ah. 199 00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:50,270 I work with him every day, so... 200 00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:53,312 - What? - Nothing. It's... 201 00:11:54,520 --> 00:11:57,159 You... you work with him every day? 202 00:11:57,280 --> 00:11:59,555 Yeah. 203 00:11:59,680 --> 00:12:01,636 - Guy? - No. 204 00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:05,470 The other one? 205 00:12:06,680 --> 00:12:08,477 Yeah. 206 00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:11,398 The... the one with the lion's mane? 207 00:12:11,520 --> 00:12:12,953 I... 208 00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:15,513 Yeah. 209 00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:17,835 I see. 210 00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:20,679 Well, Dr Trodd, 211 00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:23,394 maybe you've had your chance with him. 212 00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:27,877 Maybe it's too late. Maybe someone else deserves to take priority. 213 00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:34,000 Maybe you should just stay away or pay the price, hm?! 214 00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:36,918 Now, maybe you should think about that. 215 00:12:39,560 --> 00:12:41,710 You've been warned, lady. 216 00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:50,833 I will write you a cheque for £100, to ensure that I don't have to attend. 217 00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:53,315 - Anybody else coming? - I don't see the point. 218 00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:56,591 Yeah, sure. It's charity. Cool. 219 00:12:56,720 --> 00:13:00,349 I don't see the point in ignoring it. Yeah, I'll be there. 220 00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:03,278 C-can't you think up your own mind? 221 00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:09,396 All right, why don't you put yourself up for auction, then, if it's for a good cause? 222 00:13:09,520 --> 00:13:12,796 Yeah. Sure. Are you gonna put yourself up? 223 00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:16,196 Well, I... I-I am the auctioneer. 224 00:13:17,120 --> 00:13:19,759 - I'll be the auctioneer. - Well done, Charles. 225 00:13:19,880 --> 00:13:24,032 I don't think we should force him. He knows his own limitations. 226 00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:27,675 All right! I hereby put myself up for auction. 227 00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:31,998 It'll set the bench mark, as it were. Set a gold standard. 228 00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:33,439 Hurrah! 229 00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:36,233 Suddenly I can't wait! 230 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,640 - Item seven... - Sorry, thought we'd finished. 231 00:13:39,640 --> 00:13:40,231 - Item seven... - Sorry, thought we'd finished. 232 00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:44,273 - Don't you think... - Ooh, mate! 233 00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:50,079 - Are you ready, Dr Todd? - I am, Dr Mac. 234 00:13:55,840 --> 00:13:58,593 Gin gan goolie, goolie, goolie, wotcha 235 00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:01,359 Gin gan goo, gin gan goo 236 00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:03,550 Gin gan goolie, goolie, goolie, wotcha 237 00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:05,750 Gin gan goo, gin gan goo 238 00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:07,552 Gin gan goolie, goolie, goolie, wotcha 239 00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,750 Gin gan goo, gin gan goo 240 00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:19,756 Princess Leia. 241 00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:28,675 I think, Harriet, I've got most of it out. 242 00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:32,873 So if you just keep liquids away from the keyboard, it should help. 243 00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:34,638 - Sorry. - It's all right. 244 00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:37,797 Hi, hi, hi, hi. Can I help you at all? 245 00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:40,229 - No, it's all under control. - Fine. Fine. 246 00:14:40,360 --> 00:14:43,113 Well, I'm just in my office if you need me. 247 00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:45,470 - So what was it, anyway? - Sea-Monkeys. 248 00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:47,750 - Sorry? - I dropped a Malteser in the tank. 249 00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:51,634 Then I tried to hoik it out with a nail file, and it went whoosh! 250 00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:53,876 No more Sea-Monkeys. Shame. 251 00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:58,152 Psst. Lyndon, could you help us over here a minute, please? 252 00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:05,511 Lyndon, you're a man. In your opinion, who would you say has the best arse? 253 00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:08,473 - I haven't had a look at them, so... - Here's your chance. 254 00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:10,909 - I'd rather not see flesh. - No, these. 255 00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:13,713 - Oh! - Which bottom do you think is the sexiest? 256 00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:15,193 Erm... 257 00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:19,954 Well, it's just a personal preference, but I'd say number three. 258 00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:24,232 - What, big pants? - I told you, it's a personal preference. 259 00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:29,755 I like big pants, and those were the biggest. 260 00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:45,556 Oh, bloody... ! 261 00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:27,036 - Got anyone in mind? - Erm... 262 00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:31,119 I'm thinking about putting in a bid for Caroline maybe. 263 00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:33,959 Really? Who would have thought it, eh? 264 00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:39,109 Mind you, you might have a bit of competition. 265 00:16:39,240 --> 00:16:42,277 Our donkey-faced friend. He might try and outbid you. 266 00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:48,316 Not if I get him to put his name down for the auction, because slaves can't buy slaves. 267 00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:50,954 Clever. Go on, then. Go on. 268 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:56,592 Hi, Guy. D'you wanna put your name down? 269 00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:58,676 No. 270 00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:05,993 - Please? - I'm not a fucking whore. 271 00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:14,637 - It is for a good cause. - I don't do good causes, OK? 272 00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:20,198 A charity shag maybe, but certainly not to raise fucking money for medical equipment. 273 00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:25,950 You won't make him. He'll be up against me. It'll probably be too embarrassing for him. 274 00:17:26,080 --> 00:17:29,629 - Er... I'd sell for more than you. - Yeah? I guess we'll never know. 275 00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:31,716 Put my name down. 276 00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:35,913 These things need to be quantified. He'll learn. Where'd she go? 277 00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:38,600 - Cheers, Mac. - Wasn't too hard, was it? 278 00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:46,589 You see, I always thought of God as more of a huge, shapeless entity. 279 00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:49,359 Massive. Very, very lumpy. 280 00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:52,597 Resounding with shapes and colours and smells. 281 00:17:52,720 --> 00:17:57,157 There's no face or legs or body, just all these arms! 282 00:17:57,280 --> 00:18:01,319 Many, many hands that just scoop up people from this world 283 00:18:01,440 --> 00:18:05,194 and set them down up there, somewhere beyond the clouds, 284 00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:08,437 where they can look down on those they've left behind. 285 00:18:08,560 --> 00:18:12,678 I found it very comforting - to me, when my mother died. 286 00:18:15,040 --> 00:18:17,270 Yes, well, that's just wrong, isn't it? 287 00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:21,075 If you stuck to what it says in the Bible, you'd have been more comforted. 288 00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:24,317 And perhaps your mother wouldn't have died. 289 00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:29,837 Thanks very much for coming in, Dr Statham. 290 00:18:36,920 --> 00:18:38,956 Fuck off! 291 00:18:53,360 --> 00:18:54,315 Yes. 292 00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:58,228 You... are a very, very lucky man, Dr Macartney. 293 00:18:58,360 --> 00:19:01,796 - Am I? - I've decided to take you up on your offer. 294 00:19:01,920 --> 00:19:04,878 Yeah? What offer is that? 295 00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:09,039 You asked me if I wanted to try the new Armenian restaurant. 296 00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:13,551 That was ages ago. And you said, and I quote, "I would rather eat poo". 297 00:19:13,680 --> 00:19:18,470 Yeah, but that was when I thought you were... conceited... 298 00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:21,431 and mean. 299 00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:25,519 - I see. - Which is why you're so very, very lucky. 300 00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:28,359 - Uh-huh? - Because I've had a change of heart. 301 00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:32,473 I believe we're both free, er... nine o'clock on Friday. 302 00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:35,034 I don't think I am. 303 00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:38,357 Are you washing your hair? 304 00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:43,757 No. I'm gonna go and see La Traviata... with, erm... 305 00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:47,589 Yeah. With this lady here, in fact. 306 00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:49,676 Hello, I'm Emily. 307 00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:52,636 April fool! 308 00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:55,115 In what sense? 309 00:19:56,120 --> 00:19:57,951 September fool! 310 00:19:58,080 --> 00:20:01,959 Everyone's on the lookout in April, so I like to do it seven months early. 311 00:20:02,080 --> 00:20:06,312 - So you still don't like me, do you? - Can't stand you! 312 00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:09,000 - Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you, too, Emilily. 313 00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:10,838 - Emily. - I'm Caroline Todd. 314 00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:13,155 - Hi. - That's Dr Todd. Are you a doctor? 315 00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:15,919 Oh, no, you're not, are you? Are you anything? 316 00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:18,713 - Emily is a lady. - So am I. 317 00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:22,513 No, Emily is a lady. 318 00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:26,919 - So am I. - Really? You're Lady Caroline? 319 00:20:27,040 --> 00:20:30,032 - What an amazing coincidence! - I just don't like to use the title. 320 00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:32,515 - Absolutely. Me neither. - Anything else you'd like to know? 321 00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:35,234 - Emmy's in physiotherapy. - How lovely! 322 00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:37,828 - Shall I tell her about Mr Chips? - Yes, why not. 323 00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:40,520 - Emmy has a horse. - Couldn't afford a car? 324 00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:42,995 - No, no, it's a hobby. - A hobbyhorse! 325 00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:46,112 OK! I think you two are going to have a lot to talk about. 326 00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:48,993 But right now, I think surgery beckons. 327 00:20:49,120 --> 00:20:51,953 Where's your palace? How many counties do you own? 328 00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:54,150 You take care. See you later. Bye. 329 00:20:54,280 --> 00:20:56,999 - Bye, Lady Emily. Your Highness. - Bye! 330 00:20:57,120 --> 00:20:58,712 - Stop it! - What? 331 00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:04,314 Sorry to have left you all so abruptly. Panic over. I am now all yours once again. 332 00:21:04,440 --> 00:21:08,513 Now then, where were we? The third upper metatarsal. 333 00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:12,792 - In... Oh. - Is something wrong, Doctor? 334 00:21:13,360 --> 00:21:16,557 - No, nothing at all. - Are you gonna grant us three wishes? 335 00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:20,675 No. 336 00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:23,473 You've got a star on the end of your pointer. 337 00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:28,151 Yes. Yes, so there is. A little... little Star of Bethlehem. 338 00:21:28,280 --> 00:21:31,078 - Never mind. Not to worry. - That's really frustrating. 339 00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:33,919 - You can't see what's being pointed at. - Lighten up. 340 00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:37,999 I think you'll find a sense of humour will help us overcome this problem. 341 00:21:38,120 --> 00:21:42,477 I don't think you understand. That's soldered on. It's never gonna come off. 342 00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:47,469 Yes, quite. Remarkable - all achieved in apparently under five minutes. 343 00:21:47,600 --> 00:21:52,037 Right, moving on to the third upper metatarsal... 344 00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:52,990 Agh! 345 00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:57,276 Piece of piss, this job. 346 00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:04,791 Have I got any meetings this afternoon? 347 00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:10,074 I said, have I got any meetings this afternoon? 348 00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:30,512 Oi! Peeper. 349 00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:32,596 - What, me? - Yeah, you. 350 00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:35,917 - Lurking and watching. - I'm not lurking. I'm moving about. 351 00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:39,032 I'm in motion, in the hospital, just... you know... 352 00:22:39,160 --> 00:22:41,799 All right, well, seeing as you're here, 353 00:22:41,920 --> 00:22:45,356 I just bought a new bra and I think it makes my boobs look uneven. 354 00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:48,597 - What do you think? - Well, erm... 355 00:22:50,360 --> 00:22:56,390 Er... maybe the right one is a tiny teenth higher than the left. 356 00:23:03,200 --> 00:23:06,715 - So, Emilily. - Emmy. Emmy. 357 00:23:06,840 --> 00:23:10,719 - Yeah, what about her? - No disrespect, but she is a bit posh. 358 00:23:10,840 --> 00:23:14,992 Maybe she is. But you know what? There's nothing wrong with being a bit posh. 359 00:23:15,120 --> 00:23:19,750 I'm not saying there is. I'm just thinking of my experience with posh girls at college. 360 00:23:19,880 --> 00:23:21,632 Oh, yeah. 361 00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:23,876 She doesn't march about a bit too much? 362 00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:27,709 You know, with quite big strides and swinging her arms? 363 00:23:27,840 --> 00:23:29,990 "Rah, rah, rah!" 364 00:23:30,120 --> 00:23:32,793 - For instance? - No, she doesn't do that. 365 00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:33,875 Good. 366 00:23:37,360 --> 00:23:38,918 Well? 367 00:23:39,200 --> 00:23:41,760 - Well? - Erm, rocks. They're like... 368 00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:43,996 Yeah, solid. Absolutely... 369 00:23:44,120 --> 00:23:46,509 Great. Cheers. 370 00:23:47,480 --> 00:23:50,552 Go on, then. Go back to your moving around thing you do. 371 00:23:50,680 --> 00:23:52,955 Er... 372 00:23:54,720 --> 00:23:57,598 So she doesn't have a snorty laugh but no sense of humour? 373 00:23:57,720 --> 00:24:01,235 Or have unresolved sexual tensions with her father? 374 00:24:01,360 --> 00:24:05,148 Or a friend called Poppy who's an interior designer? 375 00:24:05,280 --> 00:24:08,750 And she doesn't covet an Aga? Or have an aunt who agreed with Hitler? 376 00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:11,348 Or have friends in Wiltshire? 377 00:24:11,480 --> 00:24:14,517 No, she hasn't. She has not, and she doesn't. And she... 378 00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:16,312 - No. No. - Good. 379 00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:18,396 - Fine. - She sounds great. 380 00:24:18,520 --> 00:24:20,272 Yes. 381 00:24:24,120 --> 00:24:27,192 - Kimmy! Where are the F25s? - Hm? 382 00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:29,197 The F25s. 383 00:24:29,320 --> 00:24:31,436 Erm... top drawer. 384 00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:35,713 - Get them myself, shall I? - Yeah. 385 00:24:40,800 --> 00:24:42,313 - You all right? - Hm? 386 00:24:42,440 --> 00:24:44,590 - Are you all right? - Yeah. 387 00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:48,838 Are you going to this auction thingy tonight? 388 00:24:48,960 --> 00:24:50,712 Er... 389 00:24:51,760 --> 00:24:53,876 Probably. 390 00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:57,117 - Got your eye on anyone in particular? - No. 391 00:24:57,240 --> 00:25:01,119 Hm. Well, thanks for the scintillating conversation. 392 00:25:29,320 --> 00:25:30,719 - What? - Lovely day. 393 00:25:30,840 --> 00:25:33,195 - I thought it was cloudy and chilly. - Yeah. 394 00:25:33,320 --> 00:25:36,357 On you go. 395 00:25:36,480 --> 00:25:40,393 - Don't you want it? - No. Just wanted to see you safely into the... 396 00:25:40,520 --> 00:25:42,476 metal womb. 397 00:25:43,880 --> 00:25:46,189 - I'll take the stairs. - Sure? Can't tempt you? 398 00:25:46,320 --> 00:25:48,436 No. And don't follow me. 399 00:25:58,840 --> 00:26:03,516 Someone tied this bloody wire across the stairs. That's really dangerous! 400 00:26:03,640 --> 00:26:05,198 - Ow! - Give me that. 401 00:26:05,320 --> 00:26:07,595 - What was that for? - Nothing. Nothing at all. 402 00:26:28,400 --> 00:26:30,709 Thanks for the glasses, mate. 403 00:26:56,320 --> 00:27:00,108 Oh, God, I am sorry to drag you in here again, Mac. I know this is boring. 404 00:27:00,240 --> 00:27:02,959 Bloody computer virus wiped off half your records. 405 00:27:03,080 --> 00:27:07,278 So, still single, I see, and no one can understand it. 406 00:27:07,400 --> 00:27:10,710 Why you haven't been snapped up is a mystery to me. 407 00:27:10,840 --> 00:27:12,068 A-ha. 408 00:27:12,200 --> 00:27:14,350 God, I want you. 409 00:27:14,480 --> 00:27:16,994 Not just sexually. In every way. 410 00:27:17,120 --> 00:27:20,078 I want to wake up next to you, watch you sleep, 411 00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:24,273 run my hand over your back, and edge forward... into regions, 412 00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:27,870 knowing that in my hand I could make you feel like no other could. 413 00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:30,389 - Mobile phone number? - 07956... 414 00:27:30,520 --> 00:27:32,954 - Actually, I'm between... - Thighs? 415 00:27:33,080 --> 00:27:35,116 - Networks. - OK. 416 00:27:36,160 --> 00:27:37,957 And, er... 417 00:27:38,960 --> 00:27:41,758 Oh, my God, I want to feel you in my mouth. 418 00:27:41,880 --> 00:27:44,440 - House number? - 21. 419 00:27:45,480 --> 00:27:48,711 That's it. That's all we were missing. All righty. 420 00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:51,957 Well, you know, you're free to go. 421 00:27:52,080 --> 00:27:54,116 - See you at the slave auction. - Oh, yes. 422 00:27:54,240 --> 00:27:57,038 I have an unlimited budget. 423 00:28:05,120 --> 00:28:07,315 Psst! Martin! I'm in grave danger. 424 00:28:07,560 --> 00:28:09,551 - From what? - The madness of Queen Sue. 425 00:28:09,680 --> 00:28:14,071 She says she wants to reach into my regions and feel me in her mouth. 426 00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:17,988 - No one ever says that to me. - I want to be withdrawn from the auction. 427 00:28:18,120 --> 00:28:20,554 You can't do that. You're the star attraction. 428 00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:24,389 Mate, I'm sorry. I'll write a big cheque toward the fluoroscopy suite. 429 00:28:24,520 --> 00:28:28,911 Fuck it! Fuck it, I'll buy the whole thing. 150 grand? Bargain! 430 00:28:42,320 --> 00:28:46,393 No, she's not here. I know what's cheating and what isn't, cos I know the rules. 431 00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:50,593 Hello. I'd like a pint of Guinness, and two bitter lemons for the ladies. 432 00:28:50,720 --> 00:28:52,392 The match is null and void. and Mac is a cheat. 433 00:28:52,520 --> 00:28:57,640 You won't have to put up with me much longer, unless you visit me... in Sheffield. 434 00:28:57,760 --> 00:28:59,716 - Sheffield? - In South Yorkshire. 435 00:28:59,840 --> 00:29:03,549 - What's the point of Sheffield? - What's the point of Sheffield? 436 00:29:03,680 --> 00:29:08,071 It was an easily defended site, cos there was a river to the north and the east. 437 00:29:08,200 --> 00:29:11,749 They built a castle. Then there was a church, a market. They made wool. 438 00:29:11,880 --> 00:29:15,395 Then they became famous for cutlery. Then came crucible steel and... 439 00:29:15,520 --> 00:29:18,353 I know. What's the point of you going to Sheffield? 440 00:29:18,480 --> 00:29:24,032 That's where my new job is. I thought, "That's where my new job is. I should go there". 441 00:29:24,160 --> 00:29:27,596 A lot of people work from home these days, but it's really hard for surgeons. 442 00:29:27,720 --> 00:29:31,235 Did they sack you at last? They saw through the ginger bluff? 443 00:29:31,360 --> 00:29:34,113 - Can't say I'm surprised. - No, I resigned. 444 00:29:34,240 --> 00:29:36,879 Sheffield offered me a consultancy. 445 00:29:37,000 --> 00:29:39,309 A consultant? Wow! 446 00:29:39,440 --> 00:29:43,228 - Congratulations. - Yeah, well, I mean, Sheffield. 447 00:29:43,360 --> 00:29:45,316 - When do you leave? - Next week. 448 00:29:45,440 --> 00:29:47,954 - Couldn't they make it any sooner? - Guy! 449 00:29:48,080 --> 00:29:52,153 I know technically he's a good surgeon, so in that case he'll be missed, 450 00:29:52,280 --> 00:29:54,630 - but I'm sure we'll cope. - He is your friend. 451 00:29:55,060 --> 00:29:58,052 - He's a wanker. - And I'm sure he'll miss you as well. 452 00:29:58,180 --> 00:30:01,377 Nah, he's a wanker. Jesus, here she comes. 453 00:30:01,500 --> 00:30:03,456 Cover me. Cover me. 454 00:30:06,740 --> 00:30:11,052 - Has anyone seen Mac? - Yeah, he's in Sheffield apparently. 455 00:30:22,260 --> 00:30:25,297 - Hello, I'm Josh's mum. - Hi, I'm Robbie's mum. 456 00:30:25,420 --> 00:30:27,615 Oh, right. Wow. 457 00:30:37,060 --> 00:30:39,369 - Mrs Schulenburg. - Hello. 458 00:30:39,500 --> 00:30:42,651 - Would you like to come through? - Yeah. Sorry. 459 00:30:44,900 --> 00:30:46,219 One, two. 460 00:30:46,460 --> 00:30:47,973 One, two. 461 00:30:53,500 --> 00:30:55,172 Slave auction. 462 00:30:55,940 --> 00:30:58,010 Now... Robbie. 463 00:31:00,540 --> 00:31:05,489 Is there any history of mental illness in the family? 464 00:31:05,620 --> 00:31:07,417 No. 465 00:31:07,540 --> 00:31:10,737 - Are you sure? - Yeah, I think so. 466 00:31:10,860 --> 00:31:13,420 You know about the penguin with the chain saw? 467 00:31:13,540 --> 00:31:17,453 Yes. Oh, but every child has an imaginary friend. 468 00:31:17,580 --> 00:31:20,174 Robbie twitches quite a lot facially, 469 00:31:20,300 --> 00:31:23,292 except when he's pretending to be dead, 470 00:31:23,420 --> 00:31:26,059 which can last for several hours in a day. 471 00:31:26,180 --> 00:31:28,136 Yeah... 472 00:31:29,860 --> 00:31:32,818 Yeah... I imagine that's less disruptive. 473 00:31:32,940 --> 00:31:39,015 He licks people's legs, and he's told us that you and his father don't bleed. 474 00:31:39,820 --> 00:31:40,696 I... 475 00:31:40,820 --> 00:31:43,175 It's best to nip it in the bud. 476 00:31:43,300 --> 00:31:46,019 Are there any major problems at home? 477 00:31:46,140 --> 00:31:50,691 Erm... he does like to eat bread straight from the freezer. 478 00:31:50,820 --> 00:31:53,129 "Bread lollies", he calls them. 479 00:31:53,260 --> 00:31:56,252 But we thought that was kind of sweet. 480 00:31:57,100 --> 00:32:00,934 He can slip off your cover and tamper with your circuits. 481 00:32:01,060 --> 00:32:02,732 He's our... 482 00:32:02,860 --> 00:32:05,897 He's our very own "it" man, it's Lyndon Jones. 483 00:32:11,460 --> 00:32:13,894 Certainly a popular lad. 484 00:32:14,940 --> 00:32:16,976 We have £20 from the lady in pink. 485 00:32:17,100 --> 00:32:18,977 30. All right, 30. 40. 486 00:32:19,100 --> 00:32:21,375 And 70 from the lady in the spots. OK, £70. 487 00:32:21,500 --> 00:32:25,539 - £100. - £100 from the lady down here. Thank you. 488 00:32:25,660 --> 00:32:28,220 - 200! - £200 from the lady on my left. 489 00:32:28,340 --> 00:32:31,810 Any advance on £200? 490 00:32:32,860 --> 00:32:36,614 - £500. 491 00:32:36,740 --> 00:32:41,860 Well! We have £500 from Joanna Clore. 492 00:32:41,980 --> 00:32:45,768 Any... any advance on £500? 493 00:32:45,900 --> 00:32:48,653 Doesn't look like we're going to get anything else. 494 00:32:48,780 --> 00:32:52,216 Sold to the Head of Human Resources, Joanna Clore! 495 00:32:54,180 --> 00:32:56,375 If you'd just like to, erm... 496 00:32:58,300 --> 00:33:03,454 collect your restaurant voucher on the way out. And be gentle with him. 497 00:33:03,580 --> 00:33:08,529 All right, now we have a new member of staff on offer. 498 00:33:08,660 --> 00:33:11,936 It's none other than Dr Todd. 499 00:33:17,420 --> 00:33:21,732 All right. Who's going to open the bidding for Dr Todd? 500 00:33:21,860 --> 00:33:24,579 - £5. - Oh, a snatch terrier! 501 00:33:26,380 --> 00:33:29,531 You do know it's a woman? Don't let the manly features fool you. 502 00:33:29,660 --> 00:33:31,935 Hang on! Wait! Wait! 503 00:33:37,940 --> 00:33:40,135 Three... 504 00:33:40,260 --> 00:33:42,728 thousand... pounds. 505 00:33:44,740 --> 00:33:48,096 - 3,000? - It's a banker's draft. 506 00:33:48,220 --> 00:33:51,212 Right. Sold to the gentleman down here for £3,000. 507 00:33:57,940 --> 00:34:01,216 "Love lift us up where we belong". 508 00:34:01,940 --> 00:34:07,173 And here he's been making sentences using words beginning with S-M. 509 00:34:07,300 --> 00:34:10,019 - I see. - "My mummy smokes". 510 00:34:10,140 --> 00:34:12,700 - "My mummy smacks me". - I don't actually. 511 00:34:12,820 --> 00:34:14,776 Oh, no, no. It's just an exercise. 512 00:34:14,900 --> 00:34:17,892 - No, we don't believe in smacking. - Mm, I'm sure. 513 00:34:18,020 --> 00:34:21,695 And, er... this one actually is wrong, this one. 514 00:34:21,820 --> 00:34:25,176 - "My mummy's bottom smells". - That one's obviously made up. 515 00:34:25,300 --> 00:34:28,656 - Oh, yep, I'm sure it is. - No, but you've given it a tick. 516 00:34:28,780 --> 00:34:34,059 Yes. Yes, well, that's because it is correct within the confines of the exercise. 517 00:34:34,180 --> 00:34:39,300 I don't think you should have ticked it. It looks like you're agreeing with the statement. 518 00:34:39,420 --> 00:34:43,936 No, no, I wasn't in any way condoning the accusation. 519 00:34:44,060 --> 00:34:46,733 Right. Cos that's obviously just a crazy imagination running riot. 520 00:34:46,860 --> 00:34:48,088 All right. 521 00:34:48,220 --> 00:34:50,336 So, Lyndon, 522 00:34:50,460 --> 00:34:54,009 what fascinates you, hm? 523 00:34:54,140 --> 00:34:56,813 - Binary code. - Does it? 524 00:34:56,940 --> 00:35:01,809 Yeah. Yeah, it does me too - all those ones and zeros. 525 00:35:01,940 --> 00:35:03,339 Indeed. 526 00:35:03,460 --> 00:35:08,978 Hard little rods and tight little holes just waiting to meet up and make something... 527 00:35:09,100 --> 00:35:11,056 very, very special. 528 00:35:11,180 --> 00:35:13,819 You should teach. 529 00:35:13,940 --> 00:35:19,458 You don't give much away, do you, Lyndie? You're like an iceberg. 530 00:35:20,100 --> 00:35:22,330 - White? - No, no. 531 00:35:22,460 --> 00:35:25,816 I never get to see more than one tenth of you. 532 00:35:25,940 --> 00:35:28,135 So what are you, a Titanic? 533 00:35:28,260 --> 00:35:30,820 Yeah. Yeah, I'm the Titanic, 534 00:35:30,940 --> 00:35:36,651 and you can rip into my hull and flood my front lower chambers. 535 00:35:38,620 --> 00:35:41,532 Mac, I did it! I did it. 536 00:35:41,660 --> 00:35:43,776 Caroline's going home to get ready. 537 00:35:43,900 --> 00:35:45,970 No? Nice one. Congratulations. 538 00:35:46,100 --> 00:35:48,819 - Thanks. I can't do it. - What? 539 00:35:48,940 --> 00:35:52,376 - I'm not gonna be able to do it. - Of course you can. Let go. 540 00:35:52,500 --> 00:35:55,572 - Course you can. - I feel like I'm doing something wrong. 541 00:35:55,700 --> 00:35:59,375 I just... Me and Caroline, we talk, blah, blah, blah... 542 00:35:59,500 --> 00:36:02,537 - Just say those three things? - That was this morning. 543 00:36:02,660 --> 00:36:06,175 - But I want to get onto the next level. - OK. 544 00:36:06,300 --> 00:36:09,929 Maybe she sees you as too much of a friend. 545 00:36:10,060 --> 00:36:11,698 God, yes. 546 00:36:11,820 --> 00:36:15,733 Have you tried being... have you tried being nastier? 547 00:36:15,860 --> 00:36:18,977 - No. - OK, well, look at Guy. 548 00:36:19,100 --> 00:36:24,254 Complete bastard. Doesn't stop him getting to the next level. In fact, it seems to help. 549 00:36:24,380 --> 00:36:29,613 - Like... "Treat 'em keen, keep 'em mean". - Other way round, but yeah. 550 00:36:29,740 --> 00:36:33,699 He's Swiss, he's Gay Secretan. 551 00:36:33,820 --> 00:36:38,018 Yeah, that's... that's Guy Secretan. 552 00:36:38,980 --> 00:36:42,814 Sorry. He's gay Guy Secretan. 553 00:36:42,940 --> 00:36:45,454 No, there's no "gay". It's just Guy. 554 00:36:45,580 --> 00:36:49,937 Right, yes. He's plain old Guy Secretan. 555 00:36:50,060 --> 00:36:52,255 That's right, girls. 556 00:36:52,380 --> 00:36:56,134 So, who'll... who'll start the bidding? 557 00:36:57,500 --> 00:37:00,253 Who'd like to try this fine figure of a man? 558 00:37:00,380 --> 00:37:02,371 - We've all tried him. - He's easy. 559 00:37:02,500 --> 00:37:04,730 - Slag! - This is shite! 560 00:37:04,860 --> 00:37:06,930 Can we just have Dr Macartney on now? 561 00:37:07,060 --> 00:37:11,656 I'm sorry, Dr Macartney has had to withdraw from the auction because his cat is ill. 562 00:37:22,980 --> 00:37:28,054 The old sick cat excuse comes out again. Some people just can't stand the heat. 563 00:37:28,180 --> 00:37:32,253 Right, erm... Could we have your bids, please? 564 00:37:32,380 --> 00:37:34,450 - £4. - Yeah, see, there we go. 565 00:37:34,580 --> 00:37:37,299 - Ooh, yes, £10. - No wrinklies, thank you. 566 00:37:37,420 --> 00:37:41,652 - OK, 30 quid for donkey boy. - Sold over there. 567 00:37:41,780 --> 00:37:44,294 - There might be some other bids. - I don't think so. 568 00:37:44,420 --> 00:37:46,490 Eee-aw! Eee-aw! 569 00:37:48,660 --> 00:37:52,573 - A bit of shadow boxing, OK? - Shadow boxing? 570 00:37:52,700 --> 00:37:56,488 Hit these babies. Lay it on them. Come on. 571 00:37:56,620 --> 00:37:58,815 - Don't want to hurt you. - Come on. Come on. 572 00:37:58,940 --> 00:38:02,615 That's it. Whoa! That's it. Not too hard. That's lovely. 573 00:38:02,740 --> 00:38:03,456 Yes! 574 00:38:03,580 --> 00:38:06,617 It's the end of the evening. You've been out. Great time. 575 00:38:06,740 --> 00:38:11,018 Be assertive. Don't be so nice. Assertive. 576 00:38:11,140 --> 00:38:13,256 - I'll be Caroline. - Right. 577 00:38:13,380 --> 00:38:17,976 Oh, thank you. Thank you for a lovely meal. What shall we do now? 578 00:38:18,100 --> 00:38:20,011 Erm... right, well. 579 00:38:20,140 --> 00:38:23,815 Let's go upstairs, get into bed, and have some blooming sex! 580 00:38:23,940 --> 00:38:25,896 - Sorry. - Jesus fucking Christ! 581 00:38:26,020 --> 00:38:28,739 - I can be a bit dangerous. - No, better. Better. 582 00:38:28,860 --> 00:38:31,010 - Right. Yes, let's... - OK. 583 00:38:31,140 --> 00:38:34,212 Grr! Come on, let's have sex, you bitch! 584 00:38:34,340 --> 00:38:36,296 - Grr! - Yeah! 585 00:38:38,700 --> 00:38:41,976 Next up, we have a senior consultant. 586 00:38:42,100 --> 00:38:45,410 Yes, it's your ever-popular Director of Radiology. 587 00:38:45,540 --> 00:38:48,134 It's Dr Alan Statham! 588 00:39:06,740 --> 00:39:09,049 Holy fuck! 589 00:39:10,100 --> 00:39:11,818 Sorry. 590 00:39:11,940 --> 00:39:17,537 Well, I-I thought it was Alan Statham, but it appears we've got Russell Crowe instead. 591 00:39:17,660 --> 00:39:21,050 Erm... who's going to open the bids? 592 00:39:22,660 --> 00:39:25,572 - Do I hear £50? - I'll give you 50p. 593 00:39:25,700 --> 00:39:27,179 No. 594 00:39:27,300 --> 00:39:31,213 A man can't buy a man. It's against the law. 595 00:39:31,340 --> 00:39:33,490 What law is that, then? 596 00:39:33,620 --> 00:39:38,978 J... Julius Caesar's quad hominix lex. 597 00:39:40,380 --> 00:39:41,779 Right. 598 00:39:41,900 --> 00:39:46,098 OK, any advance on 50p? 599 00:39:46,220 --> 00:39:48,176 30p! 600 00:39:48,300 --> 00:39:50,655 - 30p. - Stop it! That's enough. 601 00:39:51,700 --> 00:39:55,375 Come along now. The sword alone must be worth more than 30p. 602 00:40:02,300 --> 00:40:04,256 - Hi. - Whatever. 603 00:40:05,900 --> 00:40:09,575 - Oh, can I have some wine? - Get it yourself. 604 00:40:09,700 --> 00:40:13,375 - What? - Get the bloody wine yourself. 605 00:40:14,740 --> 00:40:16,696 Martin, is that you? 606 00:40:17,780 --> 00:40:19,577 Well, yeah! 607 00:40:19,700 --> 00:40:22,578 Of course it's me, fuzzhead! 608 00:40:22,700 --> 00:40:25,772 It's me - Caroline. You've been to my house, remember? 609 00:40:25,900 --> 00:40:29,893 It's not your house, it's your brother's. Bloody women! 610 00:40:31,100 --> 00:40:34,649 I'm not sure I like your tone tonight, Martin. 611 00:40:34,780 --> 00:40:36,736 Fuck off! 612 00:40:53,320 --> 00:40:56,153 Naughty! You are so funny, Lyndon! 613 00:40:56,280 --> 00:40:58,236 I didn't say anything. 614 00:40:58,360 --> 00:41:02,512 GSOH. Good sense of humour. Crucial. 615 00:41:02,640 --> 00:41:04,596 Crucial. 616 00:41:07,680 --> 00:41:11,673 Oh! Ole! Ándale! Arriba! 617 00:41:12,160 --> 00:41:16,551 Now, you are my slave, and I can make you do anything I want you to. 618 00:41:16,680 --> 00:41:20,070 - Within reason. - Not necessarily. 619 00:41:20,200 --> 00:41:22,873 - For instance, pop this on. - What? 620 00:41:23,720 --> 00:41:26,109 Go on, slave. Pop that on. 621 00:41:26,240 --> 00:41:28,595 Pop it on, pop it on, pop it on. 622 00:41:29,960 --> 00:41:34,715 Ooh! Pretty good. That's, erm... Just suck your cheeks in. 623 00:41:34,840 --> 00:41:37,035 - Why? - Just do it! 624 00:41:37,160 --> 00:41:39,435 - OK! - Pretend you've got cheekbones. 625 00:41:39,560 --> 00:41:41,516 - Say, "Hello, Sue". - Hello, Sue. 626 00:41:41,640 --> 00:41:44,234 "I'm Dr Macartney". 627 00:41:44,360 --> 00:41:47,318 - I'm Dr... I'm not... For God's sake! - Touch my bottom. 628 00:41:47,440 --> 00:41:51,319 Touch! Touch! 629 00:42:00,320 --> 00:42:02,595 Light the candle? 630 00:42:02,720 --> 00:42:05,154 - No, thank you. - Yes, please. 631 00:42:11,480 --> 00:42:13,436 Thank you. 632 00:42:16,360 --> 00:42:18,828 - Who would like to taste the wine? - I would. 633 00:42:18,960 --> 00:42:22,919 - Actually, that'll be me. - I rather think, with my experience... 634 00:42:23,040 --> 00:42:25,270 - I rather think... - No, I rather think... 635 00:42:25,400 --> 00:42:28,233 I bought you for 30p! 636 00:42:28,360 --> 00:42:31,033 Would you shh, speak in... ? 637 00:42:38,360 --> 00:42:40,794 Hello, Mac, it's Martin. 638 00:42:40,920 --> 00:42:44,879 Well, on the whole, I'd say it's not really working. 639 00:42:45,000 --> 00:42:48,436 - Taxi! - No, Mac. Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac! 640 00:42:48,560 --> 00:42:51,757 No, she's not actually speaking to me any more. 641 00:43:01,640 --> 00:43:03,073 Mmm! 642 00:43:03,200 --> 00:43:07,910 - No, I'm allergic to sour cream. - You've got to. Please. 643 00:43:08,040 --> 00:43:12,875 It's lovely, thanks. 644 00:43:15,560 --> 00:43:17,391 Right... 645 00:43:18,440 --> 00:43:21,671 Oh, that is... oh, that is brilliant! 646 00:43:21,800 --> 00:43:24,712 Thank you, Mac. Thank you! I love you! 647 00:43:24,840 --> 00:43:27,434 In a manly man kind of a way. Thank you. 648 00:43:27,560 --> 00:43:30,870 - OK, yes. Goodbye. - Stop! 649 00:43:33,240 --> 00:43:37,028 Well, this is nice, isn't it? Civilised. 650 00:43:37,160 --> 00:43:39,116 Two men alone. 651 00:43:44,920 --> 00:43:47,275 So, any interest in football? 652 00:43:49,720 --> 00:43:52,234 No, me neither. Erm... 653 00:43:53,600 --> 00:43:56,990 - So, top ten favourite films. - Joanna brought me here once. 654 00:43:57,120 --> 00:43:59,554 To discuss hospital employment policy. 655 00:43:59,680 --> 00:44:04,993 Surreptitiously, however, I was bringing her to climax with a breadstick. 656 00:44:08,480 --> 00:44:12,393 Let's buy a sofa together, Mac, shall we? This is nice, isn't it? 657 00:44:12,520 --> 00:44:14,476 - Great. - Nice showroom, isn't it? 658 00:44:14,600 --> 00:44:17,114 Not too... not too busy for a Saturday. 659 00:44:17,240 --> 00:44:19,708 - Like this one. Shall we? - Yeah. 660 00:44:19,840 --> 00:44:23,196 - Shall we? Shall we buy it? - Yes, let's buy it, darling. 661 00:44:23,320 --> 00:44:25,629 - OK. - I can see my puny body draped across it. 662 00:44:25,760 --> 00:44:27,716 - Can you? - Yes. I can see... 663 00:44:27,840 --> 00:44:30,308 - I can see my ginger pubes... - Oh, stop it. 664 00:44:30,440 --> 00:44:34,672 - ..collecting in the cracks. - Ooh, you can collect it in my crack. 665 00:44:34,800 --> 00:44:38,076 Ooh, lovely. Ooh, you lovely thing. 666 00:44:41,200 --> 00:44:43,430 You are a wonderful dancer. 667 00:44:43,560 --> 00:44:45,516 Thanks. 668 00:44:57,360 --> 00:44:59,396 That was lovely. Thanks. 669 00:45:07,320 --> 00:45:09,470 This is super. 670 00:45:11,440 --> 00:45:17,231 So, when Mac suggested this nightclub, did he know there was gonna be a hypnotist? 671 00:45:17,360 --> 00:45:20,397 Well, no. Sorry about all that. 672 00:45:20,520 --> 00:45:22,511 Because that's what I meant, 673 00:45:22,640 --> 00:45:26,349 is that we went for a drink, and there happened to be a cabaret there, 674 00:45:26,480 --> 00:45:31,395 and muggins here gets picked up... picked on and pulled up on stage, 675 00:45:31,520 --> 00:45:35,559 and, hey presto, I'm turned into a complete bastard. 676 00:45:35,680 --> 00:45:37,636 And so, bummer. Sorry. 677 00:45:37,760 --> 00:45:41,275 And the... the trigger word is... 678 00:45:42,680 --> 00:45:46,753 Exactly, yeah. The word beginning with W, rhymes with "nine". 679 00:45:46,880 --> 00:45:51,954 And Mac knew, to snap me out of it, he had to say "milk". And that's why... 680 00:45:52,080 --> 00:45:54,116 Hmm... Good old Mac. 681 00:45:54,240 --> 00:45:56,196 Yeah. 682 00:45:58,240 --> 00:46:01,835 So I was thinking that... that maybe it's time 683 00:46:01,960 --> 00:46:05,714 for you and me to... get to know each other properly. 684 00:46:07,400 --> 00:46:10,551 Good old Mac. He'll be gone soon. 685 00:46:10,680 --> 00:46:13,319 Yeah. Yeah... 686 00:46:14,080 --> 00:46:19,279 Anyway, coming back to the us getting to know each other properly thing... 687 00:46:19,400 --> 00:46:23,109 - I love Mac. - Hmm. 688 00:46:23,240 --> 00:46:25,390 Right, well, I'd better get a cab. 689 00:46:25,520 --> 00:46:27,476 - What, to mine? - Home. 690 00:46:27,600 --> 00:46:30,398 - Mi casa es su casa! - No, thanks. 691 00:46:30,520 --> 00:46:33,956 We've had a fantastic night. We don't want to stop the fun now. 692 00:46:34,080 --> 00:46:37,675 - It was for charity. - Yeah, well, charity begins at home. 693 00:46:38,360 --> 00:46:42,592 You are a... very clever man. 694 00:46:42,720 --> 00:46:46,076 No, you are a very clever man. 695 00:46:46,200 --> 00:46:51,354 - No, you are a very clever, clever man. - No, no, you are. 696 00:46:51,480 --> 00:46:53,471 - You... - Don't be stupid. 697 00:46:53,600 --> 00:46:57,070 - I'm not stupid. - I never said you were. 698 00:46:57,200 --> 00:46:59,839 I think you did. I think you said I was stupid. 699 00:46:59,960 --> 00:47:02,394 You crazy bitch! 700 00:47:02,520 --> 00:47:06,798 - Interesting. But put the breadstick down. - Aah! Aah! 701 00:47:06,920 --> 00:47:10,037 There's no point beating about the bush, Lyndon. 702 00:47:10,160 --> 00:47:13,436 I'm going to let you into a little secret. 703 00:47:13,560 --> 00:47:21,433 - I find you immensely physically attractive. - I'm sure you're just saying that to be kind. 704 00:47:21,560 --> 00:47:27,430 Join with me and pleasure your physical body as well as your mind, 705 00:47:27,560 --> 00:47:31,678 you poor, poor lovely man! 706 00:47:31,800 --> 00:47:33,995 - I'd rather not. - Why? 707 00:47:34,120 --> 00:47:38,671 Because you're disturbing, tedious and desperate! 708 00:47:38,800 --> 00:47:40,756 That's why. 709 00:47:40,880 --> 00:47:43,599 - Me? - Yes. Sorry, that's how it is. 710 00:47:45,960 --> 00:47:50,556 Look, why don't we just go back and forget this ever happened? 711 00:47:50,680 --> 00:47:54,673 Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, let's do that. 712 00:47:54,800 --> 00:47:56,950 Right, well, bye. 713 00:47:57,080 --> 00:47:59,116 I don't mind swallowing! 714 00:48:09,080 --> 00:48:11,548 - Spaghetti carbonara? - I think... 715 00:48:11,680 --> 00:48:13,716 That's me. Thank you. 716 00:48:13,840 --> 00:48:15,831 Oeuf à la coque et mouillettes? 717 00:48:15,960 --> 00:48:18,428 - Boiled egg and soldiers. - That's me. Thanks. 718 00:48:18,560 --> 00:48:21,677 - Would you like some more wine? - Erm, I don't think... 719 00:48:21,800 --> 00:48:23,836 No, piss off, you Spanish bastard! 720 00:48:23,960 --> 00:48:27,270 - He's French. - I don't speak French, you stupid bitch! 721 00:48:27,400 --> 00:48:30,392 - Milk! Milk, milk... - Is that two milks? 722 00:48:30,520 --> 00:48:32,317 Yes, thank you very much. 723 00:48:32,440 --> 00:48:34,112 Thanks. 724 00:48:34,240 --> 00:48:36,196 Phew! 725 00:48:44,840 --> 00:48:46,796 Right. 726 00:48:49,920 --> 00:48:52,957 "Day four... 727 00:48:54,000 --> 00:48:57,197 ... week 25". 728 00:49:03,920 --> 00:49:06,229 Younger... 729 00:49:06,360 --> 00:49:08,157 older. 730 00:49:09,200 --> 00:49:11,031 Older... 731 00:49:11,160 --> 00:49:13,390 younger. 732 00:49:13,520 --> 00:49:15,715 Siren... 733 00:49:15,840 --> 00:49:18,274 hag. 734 00:49:53,680 --> 00:49:56,274 - But, er... - Get out! 735 00:49:56,400 --> 00:49:58,595 Get, get, get up! 736 00:49:58,720 --> 00:50:00,756 I can't. 737 00:50:00,880 --> 00:50:03,713 Just get out of my inner sanctum, this minute! 738 00:50:03,840 --> 00:50:06,559 Well, I've got no pants on. 739 00:50:08,520 --> 00:50:10,476 - Closed? - Closed. 740 00:50:16,360 --> 00:50:19,193 - Oh, you look lovely. - Shh. No, no! 741 00:50:31,160 --> 00:50:33,310 If... if you... 742 00:50:35,680 --> 00:50:37,352 It's not! 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net