1 00:00:04,280 --> 00:00:07,033 So, will I be able to see you tonight? 2 00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:11,392 Probably, unless I've perfected my invisibility serum. 3 00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:15,834 - By the way, it's not a she, it's a he. - I knew it. 4 00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:18,349 Jesus. 5 00:00:18,480 --> 00:00:19,708 Don't you think... ? 6 00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:21,353 Ooh, mate! 7 00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:26,837 - So you still don't like me, do you? - Can't stand you! 8 00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:30,714 - Oh, come on, Mum. - Don't you ever say that word. 9 00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:34,797 I resigned. Sheffield offered me a consultancy. 10 00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:38,833 - Congratulations. - Yeah, well, I mean, Sheffield... 11 00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:42,953 - You are a wonderful dancer. - Thanks. 12 00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:45,913 I bought you for 30p! 13 00:00:46,040 --> 00:00:48,759 Would you shh, speak in... 14 00:00:51,040 --> 00:00:55,556 You're disturbing, tedious and desperate! 15 00:00:56,600 --> 00:01:00,673 Coming back to the "us getting to know each other properly" thing for a moment... 16 00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:02,756 I love Mac. 17 00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:06,436 It's not... 18 00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:59,074 - What are you doing here? - We can't speak at the hospital, so... 19 00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:01,873 That includes the car park, you cretin. 20 00:02:06,240 --> 00:02:08,913 - I've been to see a therapist. - Fascinating. 21 00:02:09,040 --> 00:02:12,828 Did he agree with everyone else? Did he say "hopeless case"? "Freak of nature"? 22 00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:16,430 No. She said that I've got a lot of anger inside me. 23 00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:19,199 I should let it out and express my inner feelings. 24 00:02:19,320 --> 00:02:21,914 All the things that have upset me. So, do you have a minute? 25 00:02:22,040 --> 00:02:22,995 No. 26 00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:29,436 You let me down. You weren't there for me, Mum. 27 00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:31,278 Shut up! Not here! 28 00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:37,475 I needed you to make my packed lunches, and that Incredible Hulk costume for Halloween. 29 00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:41,388 Yes, and I need you to shut up right now, or you'll be looking for another job. 30 00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:46,155 I've got an angry penis. 31 00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:23,035 You can't not go to his leaving drinks. It's his last day. 32 00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:25,071 - You won't see him again. - I know. 33 00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:30,638 It's just that Emily's going to be there. That's the worst thing, I think. 34 00:03:30,760 --> 00:03:32,478 I can handle Mac going to Sheffield. 35 00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:35,797 It's the fact the slut bitch daughter of Satan's going with him... 36 00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:37,876 Sorry, sorry. 37 00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:40,275 - No, thank you. - This is stupid. 38 00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:44,996 - You've got to tell him how you feel. - They're practically married. 39 00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:48,192 What have you got to lose? You're never going to see him again. 40 00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:52,154 The worst that can happen is that he rejects you, totally humiliates you. 41 00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:53,679 Good point. 42 00:03:56,720 --> 00:03:59,359 You see? It's all about upper-arm strength. 43 00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:04,031 And that's why you will never be able to sail around the world single-handedly. 44 00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:06,833 - But you would? - If I had the backing, the time... 45 00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:09,394 Oh, shit. Erm... 46 00:04:09,520 --> 00:04:13,911 Martin, in my car, brown leather briefcase. Quick as your little pixie legs can carry you. 47 00:04:14,040 --> 00:04:16,270 - Run along. I'll be in HQ. - I'm not your slave. 48 00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:20,029 - You've been misinformed. - Nice trousers. 49 00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:26,037 You're not going to go, are you? 50 00:04:26,160 --> 00:04:28,116 - Well, yeah, I'd better. - Why? 51 00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:30,629 He won't attach electrodes to your nipples. 52 00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:33,399 No, he'll probably do something different this time. 53 00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:36,432 I'm going to get him back, in some sort of subtle way. 54 00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:40,997 - Some way that he never finds out about? - Yeah, right. 55 00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:52,393 Ten minutes late. That doesn't count, does it? 56 00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:54,954 - I like your cardigan. - Do you? 57 00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:57,878 - Yeah, the pattern. - It's plain green, isn't it? 58 00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:00,639 No, the pigs and cows on the back. 59 00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:04,992 Ooh. 60 00:05:05,120 --> 00:05:07,918 It's Fuzzy Felt. 61 00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:09,996 Oh. A little lamb. 62 00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:11,989 Ooh. Piggies. 63 00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:17,478 Ah! Dr Macartney. Sorry to screw the schedule, you know, on your last day, 64 00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:20,114 but Dr Secretan's had to pop out for about 20 minutes. 65 00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:23,152 Fantastic. Did he bother with an excuse or an apology? 66 00:05:23,280 --> 00:05:26,033 He was wearing linen trousers and you could see his cock. 67 00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:27,878 Fair enough. 68 00:05:40,680 --> 00:05:44,195 - Right, where is he? - He's gone to change. His cock was visible. 69 00:05:44,320 --> 00:05:48,552 - I've got his thing. What shall I do with it? - I'll take it with me to theatre. 70 00:05:48,680 --> 00:05:51,911 - You haven't wanked in it, have you? - No. Do you think I should? 71 00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:55,476 No. What about his car? Is that unscathed? 72 00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:59,434 Well, let's just say there's more saliva in it than usual. 73 00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:03,155 Can we be a little bit more original? You're a doctor, not a waiter. 74 00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:08,912 OK. Let's put an appendix in his bag. Can you get me an appendix? What about a heart? 75 00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:13,591 For fuck's sake! You're not in the Mafia. Hearts don't just grow on trees, do they? 76 00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:17,679 I'm going to rifle through his bag and mess up his things a bit. 77 00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:20,519 My God, you are evil. 78 00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:24,711 Unopened letters. Get him back for opening my exam results. 79 00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:27,274 You've gone power-mad. 80 00:06:35,120 --> 00:06:36,838 Oh, my God. 81 00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:39,677 Oh, my God. 82 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:42,155 What? Are you all right? 83 00:06:43,720 --> 00:06:45,551 Hey. 84 00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:47,989 - What is it? Let's have a look. - Nothing. 85 00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:50,156 Come on. Hey. 86 00:06:51,200 --> 00:06:53,156 I'm dizzy. Erm... 87 00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:55,430 I'll just... I'm gonna... 88 00:06:56,800 --> 00:07:00,509 - I'm gonna find a place to... to lie down. - What is it? 89 00:07:00,640 --> 00:07:02,790 Martin. Martin? 90 00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:08,754 So when you've finished building Jesus, maybe you could stop by my office. 91 00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:11,758 Afraid I've other duties to attend to. 92 00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:15,111 What, like looking up cathedrals on the internet? 93 00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:19,791 Writing letters to, erm, Christian children in Africa, probably. 94 00:07:19,920 --> 00:07:23,833 Please! Do you really think some starving kid in Upper Zululand 95 00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:27,669 is going to be cheered up by a humourless letter from a foreign radiologist 96 00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:32,316 with a shitty haircut, who's only found God because no one else will have him? 97 00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:35,477 I hear your words, but I turn the other cheek. 98 00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:38,398 I'm just trying to make you understand. I just... 99 00:07:38,520 --> 00:07:43,913 I just want... I just want you to listen to me. I just want to... 100 00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:47,110 I've got Jesus's arm. 101 00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:08,478 - Much better trousers, by the way. - Thank you. 102 00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:12,149 - Some people are so insensitive. - What's up? Can I help? 103 00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:15,909 Not really, no. I... I had a fight with Angela, that's all. 104 00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:18,429 - Were you wearing bikinis? - What? 105 00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:22,997 Bi-ki-nis. Were you wearing bikinis when you fought? 106 00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:27,159 It would help if I could visualise the situation. 107 00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:37,629 - Yep. They were wearing bikinis. - Of course. 108 00:08:38,360 --> 00:08:39,679 Erm... 109 00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:44,235 What would you do if, say, hypothetically, OK, 110 00:08:44,360 --> 00:08:48,990 you accidentally opened someone's very personal letter, OK? 111 00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:52,669 And, erm, this someone was a work colleague, 112 00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:55,951 maybe, erm... an anaesthetist, maybe, 113 00:08:56,080 --> 00:09:00,870 and-and you, er... you discovered that he was keeping a secret? 114 00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:04,310 And that secret was that he was actually... adopted, 115 00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:08,911 and, erm... and you accidentally read in the letter 116 00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:11,998 that his adopted father had told him 117 00:09:12,120 --> 00:09:15,829 who-who-who-who his biological parents are, OK? 118 00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:19,919 What would you do? Would you own up to it and risk being killed, 119 00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:26,798 or would you cover all your tracks and just deny all knowledge of the letter? 120 00:09:26,920 --> 00:09:30,674 Yep, yep. I see. Mm-hm. 121 00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:32,756 - Were you listening to me? - Yes. 122 00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:34,996 - Promise? - Yes. 123 00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:38,317 - What would you do, then? - Well, erm... 124 00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:42,274 You know, it's, erm... it's obvious. I'd, erm... 125 00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:45,153 I'd just sit them again next year. 126 00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:51,432 You b... you bloody Nora! 127 00:09:51,560 --> 00:09:54,393 - Like a sweetie? - Yes. Thank you. 128 00:10:05,760 --> 00:10:06,715 Wow! 129 00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:18,376 Hmm. That's interesting. 130 00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:20,008 What's that? 131 00:10:20,140 --> 00:10:23,496 It says that natural levels of background radiation in Sheffield 132 00:10:23,620 --> 00:10:26,578 are ten times the national average. 133 00:10:26,700 --> 00:10:30,056 - I'm still going. - Good. Good, I'm glad. 134 00:10:31,420 --> 00:10:35,459 It says here that there are many varieties of flesh-eating spiders 135 00:10:35,580 --> 00:10:38,970 in the Sheffield area, some of them up to six feet in diameter. 136 00:10:39,100 --> 00:10:41,614 - No, it doesn't. - Well, not in so many words. 137 00:10:41,740 --> 00:10:45,779 - I'm just... reading between the lines. - Mm-hm. 138 00:10:47,460 --> 00:10:49,735 What would happen if you didn't go to Sheffield? 139 00:10:49,860 --> 00:10:56,015 The earth would spin off its axis and we'd all plunge screaming into the heart of the sun. 140 00:10:57,260 --> 00:11:00,252 No, seriously. Don't you like it here? 141 00:11:01,300 --> 00:11:04,451 Specifically here? It's OK, yeah. 142 00:11:05,140 --> 00:11:07,654 But, you know, I still yearn sometimes 143 00:11:07,780 --> 00:11:10,817 for the days when I was over there, close to the skirting. 144 00:11:10,940 --> 00:11:15,058 But you should never go back, never go back. 145 00:11:15,180 --> 00:11:17,171 Why must you turn everything into a joke? 146 00:11:17,300 --> 00:11:20,531 Generally, it's to avoid confronting the difficult issues 147 00:11:20,660 --> 00:11:24,335 that most proper adults have to deal with. 148 00:11:24,460 --> 00:11:28,089 Can't you try to be serious for just one minute? 149 00:11:28,220 --> 00:11:31,053 Yeah. Go on, then. I'll give it a go. 150 00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:35,529 - We didn't really get on before, did we? - I wouldn't say that. 151 00:11:35,660 --> 00:11:40,256 You thought I was some sort of incompetent neurotic who went to a boys' barber, 152 00:11:40,380 --> 00:11:43,133 and I thought you were a rude, offhand bloke with lady's hair. 153 00:11:43,260 --> 00:11:49,449 Being serious, maybe I would have said that, but I wouldn't say that any more. 154 00:11:49,580 --> 00:11:53,016 We, er... we seem to get on OK now, don't we? 155 00:11:54,980 --> 00:11:57,414 I hope so. I... I think we do. 156 00:12:00,780 --> 00:12:03,135 Better late than never. 157 00:12:19,100 --> 00:12:21,898 Just snap out of it, Alan! 158 00:12:22,020 --> 00:12:25,137 You make my faith sound less than genuine. 159 00:12:25,260 --> 00:12:28,297 I cannot simply "snap out" of the love of Our Lord. 160 00:12:28,420 --> 00:12:31,890 Just stop it! Just stop pretending to be calm. 161 00:12:32,020 --> 00:12:33,976 This is no pretence. 162 00:12:49,260 --> 00:12:51,979 - Please return those seedlings. - Shan't. 163 00:12:52,100 --> 00:12:55,979 I want you to just please put them back where you found them. 164 00:12:56,100 --> 00:12:58,739 - No, I'm gonna eat them. - Don't eat my seedlings. 165 00:12:58,860 --> 00:13:01,772 I'm gonna eat your seedlings. 166 00:13:01,900 --> 00:13:06,530 You bloody... you bloody leave them alone, you bastard! 167 00:13:07,180 --> 00:13:11,935 Give 'em... give 'em here! You... you dirty, dirty woman! 168 00:13:14,900 --> 00:13:16,572 I am! I am! 169 00:13:16,700 --> 00:13:19,658 I'm a dirty, seedling-eating tart! 170 00:13:23,900 --> 00:13:25,936 Give it to me! Give it to me! 171 00:13:26,060 --> 00:13:27,413 I love it! 172 00:13:27,540 --> 00:13:29,690 Talk toilet! Talk toilet! 173 00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:44,631 "Mon cher Guilaume..." 174 00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:47,911 - "Dear Guy". - Yes. Thank you, Martin. 175 00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:54,793 - You really shouldn't have opened this. - I know. 176 00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:57,559 He's not just a bastard, he's a bastard bastard. 177 00:13:57,680 --> 00:14:00,148 Sorry. Is it all right to swear in the canteen? 178 00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:02,111 I'd rather you didn't. 179 00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:06,392 So his real father is Fabian Leclerq, ski instructor, 180 00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:12,516 - and his mother is Joanna Pearson, student. - Yeah, but that's her maiden name. 181 00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:18,556 She kept the name she took from her second marriage, which was Clore. Joanna Clore. 182 00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:20,318 - You're fucking joking. - No. 183 00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:23,796 She spent a year in Switzerland as an exchange student. 184 00:14:23,920 --> 00:14:27,390 Can you imagine having that for your mother? 185 00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:31,274 Yeah. Yeah, I can, actually, in a funny kind of way. 186 00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:35,552 But I'm sure if you were her son, you'd be able to think of some good points. 187 00:14:35,680 --> 00:14:39,798 Does she know? She must, otherwise why would they be working in the same hospital? 188 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:43,071 - No, no. She doesn't know. - How do you know? 189 00:14:43,200 --> 00:14:46,476 - I just know. - You have to give it back to him. 190 00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:51,879 I can't! I can't. He can't know. And, look, the envelope's all torn. 191 00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:55,879 Well, you'll have to put it in a new envelope, and post it to him. 192 00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:59,675 Yeah, but the postmark's from Switzerland. It's from Lausanne. 193 00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:01,028 Ah... 194 00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:07,156 But, right, I've been thinking. If I can type his name and address on a new envelope, 195 00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:11,398 go to Switzerland, and post it back from there... 196 00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:15,479 Or you could say you just opened the envelope, 197 00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:19,195 but you didn't actually read the letter. 198 00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:22,988 Yeah... 199 00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:25,918 I'm going to go to Switzerland. 200 00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:29,440 - We can keep in touch, if you want. - Keep in touch? 201 00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:31,596 - Why? - Or not, if you're not bothered. 202 00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:34,757 No. Let's keep in touch, if it'll make you happy. 203 00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:36,950 - Aren't you going to miss me? - Fuck off. 204 00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:39,389 Yeah. I'm gonna miss you, too. 205 00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:41,351 Hey. 206 00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:44,040 - Yeah, well, whatever. - I tell you what. 207 00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:46,594 I'll give you a photo to stick in your locker, of me, 208 00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:48,995 we can be like Goose and Maverick in Top Gun. 209 00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:52,237 - Well, I'm Maverick. - Yeah, right. You're Goose. 210 00:15:52,360 --> 00:15:53,634 - No way. - You're Goose. 211 00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:58,231 You're Goose, with the gay pointing and the no chin and the silly moustache. 212 00:15:58,360 --> 00:16:03,036 - OK. I'll be Iceman, the best and hardest. - No, you're right. I want to be Iceman. 213 00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:06,994 - You can't be Iceman and Maverick. - I'll be Iceman, you can be Maverick. 214 00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:11,750 Fine. Basically, you hate me, believing you're the best, 215 00:16:11,880 --> 00:16:15,555 but then you develop a respect for me, and realise that I am truly the best. 216 00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:18,513 - You develop a kind of gay love. - It's a crap film anyway. 217 00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:22,758 I'll be Butch Cassidy, and you can... That's Butch Cassidy. 218 00:16:22,880 --> 00:16:26,316 ..and you can be the Sundance Kid. 219 00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:29,750 Ooh, look at me. I'm dancing in the sun like a big kid. 220 00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:34,556 - Great. So I'm better with a gun than you. - Not necessarily. 221 00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:37,148 - Sundance was the best gunfighter. - No, Butch was. 222 00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:41,637 - He just didn't like to talk about it. - Not in the film he didn't. 223 00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:44,638 - Are you ready? - Yeah. 224 00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:51,719 And, of course, the pelvis is an immensely complex structure. 225 00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:56,391 Some areas are denser than others. Clearly, the denser the area, 226 00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:58,556 the less prone to trauma. 227 00:16:58,680 --> 00:17:01,990 Good... good evening, Mr Boyce. 228 00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:05,032 It's morning, actually, you toss-bag. 229 00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:09,119 - Get out! - You're a Christian. You have to forgive me. 230 00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:12,471 Not any more. I've decided to take a more agnostic approach. 231 00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:14,830 - It's less morally demanding. - Oh. 232 00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:18,555 - Yes, "oh". - Well, I wish you'd keep me informed. 233 00:17:18,680 --> 00:17:23,754 I hereby inform you to report to my office at nine o'clock tomorrow morning, 234 00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:28,271 not ten past nine, not five minutes past nine, nine o'clock precisely, please. 235 00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:31,756 - You see that device over there, Mr Boyce? - What, the clock? 236 00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:36,670 Yes. A cunning piece of devilry which allows us to tell the time and thereby be prompt. 237 00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:39,951 Yeah. Actually, it's remarkably like the one in your bedroom. 238 00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:42,992 - If we could leave it there. - If you think it's for the best. 239 00:17:43,120 --> 00:17:44,758 I do think it's best. 240 00:17:44,880 --> 00:17:51,228 Next you'll spin some bizarre yarn about how you know where everything in my bedroom is 241 00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:53,920 because of some cock-and-bull nonsense 242 00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:57,396 about drinking too much wine after a slave auction, 243 00:17:57,520 --> 00:18:00,830 and being in my bed, and one of us not wearing any pants 244 00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:05,192 and having to-to-to-to borrow a pair of pants. 245 00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:06,992 What, like these? 246 00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:14,310 Sorry. I haven't had time to wash them yet. 247 00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:30,599 - Siobhan. - Had. 248 00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:35,396 Yes! 249 00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:39,193 Hi. Hi, ladies. All right? 250 00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:43,870 - Yeah. Had both of them, as well. - Receptionist in the Path Lab. 251 00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:45,718 Could have. Match point. 252 00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:49,956 Nine-nil! 253 00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:53,675 Ho-ho-ho! Yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! 254 00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:55,995 Oh, ah! Ooh! 255 00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:58,315 That is game, set and match. 256 00:18:58,440 --> 00:19:02,115 - I'd like to say congratulations, well played. - I think the better man won. 257 00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:04,037 - On the day. - No. 258 00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:07,436 I just got a feeling, maybe it was you who had the hunger. 259 00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:10,632 Is that right? You should look after yourself, my son. 260 00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:12,637 I keep in peak physical condition. 261 00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:16,673 Ready for that immediate call-up to the Swiss Olympic Association. 262 00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:20,873 It could happen. Janet Street-Porter, would you please collect the balls? 263 00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:22,956 And I think you missed one. 264 00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:25,116 Off you go. And the towel. 265 00:19:25,240 --> 00:19:27,708 Yeah, had. 266 00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:29,398 Had front and back. 267 00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:30,635 - Hi, Guy. - Hi. 268 00:19:30,760 --> 00:19:34,355 Ohh! Wish I hadn't had. Had twice, while you were going out with her. 269 00:19:34,480 --> 00:19:37,790 - They're not great conquests, are they? - What do you mean? 270 00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:41,754 For a start, they're all impressionable young innocents. 271 00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:46,317 In mountaineering terms, you reached the foothills. It's not exactly scaling Everest. 272 00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:48,317 What would be Everest? 273 00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:52,353 Everest would be a woman who is a little bit more mature, 274 00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:58,032 who has had some real experience, and who is a woman as opposed to a girl. 275 00:19:58,160 --> 00:20:00,435 - Like who? - Morning, Doctors. 276 00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:02,710 - Hi. - Morning. 277 00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:04,478 Morning... 278 00:20:05,520 --> 00:20:08,956 - Oh, fuck off. - "Fuck off" says you can't. 279 00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:13,551 Of course I... Her... Easy! With my dick tied behind my back. 280 00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:15,352 - Can't. - You wanna bet? 281 00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:19,678 Yeah. My first month's consultant's salary says you can't. 282 00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:23,110 Your first month's consultant's salary has got a very big mouth. 283 00:20:23,240 --> 00:20:26,710 Yeah. Yeah. You gonna make it shut up, are you? 284 00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:29,070 Yeah, you're damned right I am. 285 00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:32,033 Yeah? We are talking about Joanna here, not Martin. 286 00:20:32,160 --> 00:20:34,515 - Do you know, I think we are. - You got a deal. 287 00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:37,438 - Put it there, baby. - You're gonna regret it. 288 00:20:39,440 --> 00:20:42,796 - Right, you're on. - Thanks very much. Er, proof required. 289 00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:47,391 You'll just need to look at her. You ever seen a completely and utterly satisfied woman? 290 00:20:47,520 --> 00:20:53,629 Yes, I have. The young dental student that kicked you in the bollocks and made you cry. 291 00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:56,274 - Do you remember that? - I was laughing, actually. 292 00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:59,153 Course you were, course you were. 293 00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:04,274 - I think that's it. - There were seven. There's one missing. 294 00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:08,518 Enter. 295 00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:12,599 Oh, God. It's you. I was expecting somebody else. 296 00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:14,676 I-I can see that. 297 00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:26,230 - You... you do realise you're naked? - Yes, I know that, you fool. 298 00:21:26,360 --> 00:21:28,794 Now, what do you want? 299 00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:32,276 - I... I don't know. - Well, get out, then. 300 00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:45,034 Could you page Dr Macartney again? Thank you. 301 00:21:57,560 --> 00:22:01,030 Can I ask your advice about something? 302 00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:06,473 Your shirt tucked into your pants doesn't really work for you, Martin. 303 00:22:06,600 --> 00:22:09,990 No, look. It's not about clothes, it's about something more serious. 304 00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:12,031 More serious than clothes? I don't understand. 305 00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:15,436 - It's about relationships, interrelationships. - Not now, Martin. 306 00:22:15,560 --> 00:22:20,315 - I'm trying to find fault with Sheffield. - Well, that's going to be easy enough. 307 00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:23,591 You'd think, wouldn't you? 308 00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:27,668 - I'm gonna go and find my brother. - OK. 309 00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:32,554 - I thought you were an only child. - Yeah. I thought so, too. 310 00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:45,638 - So, you prefer me like this? - I like clothes, generally. 311 00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:47,751 All right, have it your way. 312 00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:51,350 - OK, Dr Mac. Now that you're leaving... - Yes. 313 00:22:51,480 --> 00:22:54,711 ... it falls to me to give you your exit interview. 314 00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:58,230 So, how have you enjoyed working here generally? 315 00:22:58,360 --> 00:23:01,193 Generally, er... I've enjoyed it. 316 00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:04,635 - So don't go. - Excuse me? 317 00:23:04,760 --> 00:23:06,751 Don't go. Stay. 318 00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:08,996 - I can't stay. - Why? Why? Why? 319 00:23:09,120 --> 00:23:14,114 I've accepted the post, and I don't think Dr Mancoo is going to retire for a few years, 320 00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:17,516 so there's no chance of me getting a similar post here. 321 00:23:17,640 --> 00:23:22,350 - Why don't I kill him? Just give me the nod. - Yeah. OK, then. Kill him. 322 00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:25,995 Fine. So, you were saying generally you found the post... 323 00:23:26,120 --> 00:23:29,351 Very fulfilling, I've enjoyed it, there have been... Sorry. 324 00:23:29,480 --> 00:23:33,314 - You're not going to kill him, are you? - No, of course I'm not. 325 00:23:33,440 --> 00:23:37,752 If something were to happen to him, we never had this little chat. 326 00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:42,795 So you're not going to kill him? I don't want you to kill Dr Mancoo. 327 00:23:42,920 --> 00:23:45,559 Of course you don't. 328 00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:49,195 - So you really are not going to kill him? - No. 329 00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:52,835 - Was that a yes or a no? - It was a no. A big, fat no. 330 00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:56,555 Good. This is my leaving questionnaire. That's probably it, isn't it? 331 00:23:56,680 --> 00:23:59,592 - Sort of "Bye for now"? - Yeah, bye. 332 00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:02,917 And don't worry about that little matter. I'll take care of it. 333 00:24:03,040 --> 00:24:05,793 - What... what matter? - Exactly. 334 00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:11,836 Ah! Yes! How long? 335 00:24:12,880 --> 00:24:15,155 - Ten seconds. - Ten seconds. 336 00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:17,111 - Cheat! - Champion! 337 00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:22,517 - You gonna take me on, Karen? - No. It's a stupid game. 338 00:24:38,080 --> 00:24:41,550 - Backing out, are you? - No. Bring it on. I can't wait. 339 00:24:41,680 --> 00:24:43,750 - It's Ken and Barbie. - Hi. 340 00:24:43,880 --> 00:24:46,269 - Bloody hell. Cheer up. - We would if we could, 341 00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:49,551 - but it's Mac's last day. - We're allowed to be miserable. 342 00:24:49,680 --> 00:24:53,195 - They've got a point. - Mac's last day? Big deal. Lighten up. 343 00:24:53,320 --> 00:24:55,390 - There'll be other Macs. - Will there? 344 00:24:55,520 --> 00:24:59,832 Right, I'm picking you up and spinning you round like they do in the movies. 345 00:24:59,960 --> 00:25:01,757 I don't think this is a good idea. 346 00:25:01,880 --> 00:25:05,953 I don't think this is a good idea! Stop! Oh! 347 00:25:06,080 --> 00:25:07,274 - Yes! - Have we stopped? 348 00:25:07,400 --> 00:25:09,550 - Yep. Feel better? - Erm... 349 00:25:10,960 --> 00:25:13,030 - Yeah, I kinda do. - Yeah! 350 00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:15,151 - Thanks. - Any time, lovely Caroline. 351 00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:18,431 I'm continuing my final day in this direction. 352 00:25:18,560 --> 00:25:21,233 - Good luck. - Wait for me, Final Day Man. 353 00:25:21,360 --> 00:25:22,873 See ya. 354 00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:26,197 Agh! Ohh! God, she's heavier than she looks. 355 00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:29,153 - And amazingly, you're slimier than you look. - Get a doctor. 356 00:25:29,280 --> 00:25:31,999 - I thought you were one. - I am! Get another doctor. 357 00:25:32,120 --> 00:25:35,476 A proper doctor. Hang on. Erm... Oh, Dr Todd. 358 00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:37,670 - No, no, no. Not her. - He's hurt his back. 359 00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:38,949 - Have you? - No. 360 00:25:39,080 --> 00:25:42,072 - Was it from lifting me? - No! No. 361 00:25:42,200 --> 00:25:44,794 You are as light as a feather. Watch. Look. 362 00:25:44,920 --> 00:25:49,471 - I'll lift you... Ooh! - He said you were heavier than you looked. 363 00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:53,156 Did he? 364 00:25:55,840 --> 00:25:57,796 Goddamn. 365 00:26:08,940 --> 00:26:10,771 Oh, God. There she is. 366 00:26:17,260 --> 00:26:21,492 The hunter spots his prey. But there is a problem. 367 00:26:21,620 --> 00:26:27,889 The herd of tottie is sticking together, making it hard to target any one individual. 368 00:26:28,020 --> 00:26:32,411 He's in luck. The herd has split, leaving one creature alone... 369 00:26:32,540 --> 00:26:34,212 - Double vodka. - ..and vulnerable. 370 00:26:34,340 --> 00:26:39,539 She's old, and weaker than the rest. This, surely, is his best chance. 371 00:26:39,660 --> 00:26:41,218 Fuck off. 372 00:26:41,340 --> 00:26:46,778 The hunter will tolerate no interruption to his meticulous preparations. 373 00:26:46,900 --> 00:26:49,892 He waits, like a coiled spring, 374 00:26:50,020 --> 00:26:52,215 and then... 375 00:26:52,340 --> 00:26:53,295 he strikes! 376 00:26:53,420 --> 00:26:55,376 Oww! 377 00:27:06,700 --> 00:27:08,418 Ow. 378 00:27:08,540 --> 00:27:10,417 Help me, Jesus. 379 00:27:10,540 --> 00:27:12,690 Yeah, I'll see you in Zurich... Joanna! 380 00:27:12,820 --> 00:27:14,538 - What? - Hi. 381 00:27:14,660 --> 00:27:16,776 - Hello. - Haven't seen much of you lately. 382 00:27:16,900 --> 00:27:21,132 We don't have much call for anaesthetists in the admin block. 383 00:27:21,260 --> 00:27:22,249 No, I suppose not. 384 00:27:22,380 --> 00:27:26,293 Half the admin girls are doped up to the eyeballs as it is. 385 00:27:26,420 --> 00:27:30,413 Yeah. Hey, is that... have you got cress in your hair? 386 00:27:30,540 --> 00:27:33,008 No, it's a... seedling. 387 00:27:34,300 --> 00:27:37,610 Good God, what extraordinary earlobes you have. 388 00:27:37,740 --> 00:27:40,812 - Are you making a pass at me? - Is there a law against it? 389 00:27:40,940 --> 00:27:43,135 - I heard that you had one. - What's that? 390 00:27:43,260 --> 00:27:46,969 - No one over 25 and everyone under. - Yeah, well, I was a fool. 391 00:27:47,100 --> 00:27:51,218 I was shallow. I've realised there are women like you, 392 00:27:51,340 --> 00:27:56,289 - so I've doubled my upper age limit. - There's no need to double it. 393 00:27:56,420 --> 00:28:00,572 Let me finish. I doubled it, and then took away ten. 394 00:28:00,700 --> 00:28:03,055 - Complicated. - Yeah, a bit. 395 00:28:04,940 --> 00:28:07,374 - Poison. - What? 396 00:28:07,500 --> 00:28:10,651 - You're wearing Poison by Christian Dior. - So? 397 00:28:10,780 --> 00:28:13,897 The smell is so evocative. It's 15 years... 398 00:28:14,020 --> 00:28:16,614 - This conversation was booked in English. - Sorry. 399 00:28:16,740 --> 00:28:19,334 You see, there was this girl, Angelique. 400 00:28:19,460 --> 00:28:24,090 I saw her on the steps of the Musée des Beaux Arts in Nice, Avenue des Baumettes, 401 00:28:24,220 --> 00:28:27,098 and I don't know why, but I followed her. 402 00:28:27,220 --> 00:28:30,576 Well, actually, I followed that scent, Poison by Christian Dior, 403 00:28:30,700 --> 00:28:33,976 as it wafted through the streets, just tantalising me. 404 00:28:34,100 --> 00:28:39,333 And you know how it is when you feel you've just known someone... 405 00:28:41,740 --> 00:28:43,696 Hello again. 406 00:28:43,820 --> 00:28:45,776 Hello. 407 00:28:46,900 --> 00:28:48,618 How are you? 408 00:28:49,660 --> 00:28:51,616 Very well. Yeah. 409 00:29:03,420 --> 00:29:05,331 You've got nice hair. 410 00:29:06,380 --> 00:29:08,336 Have I? 411 00:29:08,460 --> 00:29:13,011 Yeah. Sort of, you know, weird kind of candyfloss hair. 412 00:29:15,820 --> 00:29:17,776 Thanks. 413 00:29:24,980 --> 00:29:30,338 Would you like to maybe go out for a drink with me sometime? Just us, alone. 414 00:29:30,460 --> 00:29:35,580 One night - or day. It doesn't have to be a night, in case you think I'm a murderer. 415 00:29:35,700 --> 00:29:37,656 Which I'm not, so... 416 00:29:40,700 --> 00:29:42,656 OK, then. 417 00:29:43,980 --> 00:29:45,936 Really? 418 00:29:49,900 --> 00:29:52,209 Would you like me to cut off a bit of my hair for you? 419 00:29:52,340 --> 00:29:54,296 No, thanks. 420 00:30:12,060 --> 00:30:13,971 Pardon me. 421 00:30:14,100 --> 00:30:16,136 Do you know what they found at the hospital? 422 00:30:16,260 --> 00:30:18,979 Clutched in her hand, 423 00:30:19,100 --> 00:30:23,332 a copy of Tess of the d'Urbervilles inscribed to me. 424 00:30:23,460 --> 00:30:27,817 They actually had to break her fingers to release it. 425 00:30:27,940 --> 00:30:31,979 That's what Poison by Christian Dior means to me. 426 00:30:34,740 --> 00:30:38,779 - If you fancy a fuck, just say so. - Do you want to? 427 00:30:38,900 --> 00:30:41,858 Yeah, OK. New balls, please. 428 00:30:44,180 --> 00:30:46,899 - Not bad, though, eh? - "Had to break her fingers"! 429 00:30:47,020 --> 00:30:48,976 Yeah. Ow. 430 00:30:52,020 --> 00:30:54,978 - Good night, Dr Mancoo. - Yes, good night. 431 00:31:11,300 --> 00:31:13,450 Goodbye, Dr Mancoo. 432 00:31:15,580 --> 00:31:17,536 Bye-bye. 433 00:31:25,260 --> 00:31:27,251 - Stop right there. - Hi. 434 00:31:27,380 --> 00:31:29,610 - Hi. - Stop right there. 435 00:31:29,740 --> 00:31:33,449 - We're not moving. Look. - We're not moving. 436 00:31:34,500 --> 00:31:36,058 - Can I have a word? - Of course. 437 00:31:36,180 --> 00:31:37,898 - Of course. - Without the parrot. 438 00:31:38,020 --> 00:31:41,137 - You can say anything in front of Polly. - It's Emmy! 439 00:31:41,260 --> 00:31:43,410 Shit! I know. 440 00:31:43,540 --> 00:31:45,496 - Yeah? - OK. OK. 441 00:31:45,620 --> 00:31:49,852 Shall we just say that I've been doing a little bit of surfing. 442 00:31:49,980 --> 00:31:53,416 - Radical dude. - No, on the internet. 443 00:31:53,540 --> 00:31:59,012 Let's talk about your career so far, shall we, Emily Lewis Westbrook? 444 00:31:59,140 --> 00:32:02,018 - Oh. OK. - Shouldn't you have a big red book? 445 00:32:03,660 --> 00:32:07,778 Right. Emily Lewis Westbrook, at the age of 22, 446 00:32:07,900 --> 00:32:12,928 was thrown out of medical school for inappropriate behaviour 447 00:32:13,060 --> 00:32:15,051 and financial irregularities. 448 00:32:15,180 --> 00:32:21,016 In '96, she founded the Holistic Power Clinic, the HPC, in Dublin. 449 00:32:21,140 --> 00:32:24,815 Her co-director at the HPC is currently serving four years, 450 00:32:24,940 --> 00:32:28,853 whilst Emily herself served six months for malpractice 451 00:32:28,980 --> 00:32:33,815 and forging physiotherapy qualifications. 452 00:32:33,940 --> 00:32:37,091 - Shall I continue? - No. 453 00:32:37,220 --> 00:32:41,259 Do these events ring a bell, Emily? 454 00:32:41,900 --> 00:32:44,892 - Yes, they do. - Good God. 455 00:32:45,020 --> 00:32:47,773 - I just bet they do. - That is ridiculous. 456 00:32:47,900 --> 00:32:52,098 - I am such a fantastic judge of character. - Can I just say one thing in my defence? 457 00:32:52,220 --> 00:32:56,213 Go on, then, you fraudulent little tart. 458 00:32:57,260 --> 00:33:02,380 I'm not that Emily Lewis Westbrook. I'm a different Emily Lewis Westbrook. 459 00:33:02,500 --> 00:33:05,060 It's a small point, but I just thought I'd mention it. 460 00:33:05,180 --> 00:33:07,819 In fact, Emily Lewis Westbrook isn't her real name, 461 00:33:07,940 --> 00:33:12,331 and I have in the past had to take out a private action against her, 462 00:33:12,460 --> 00:33:18,615 as obviously it's particularly inconvenient when we both claim to be physiotherapists. 463 00:33:22,460 --> 00:33:28,012 I will... I will, of course, take that into... con-consideration. 464 00:33:37,780 --> 00:33:41,409 - It's not a stupid name. - What, "Secretan"? 465 00:33:41,540 --> 00:33:44,771 It sounds like "secretion", and that's not entirely pleasant. 466 00:33:44,900 --> 00:33:47,812 - Depends on what's being secreted. - True. 467 00:33:47,940 --> 00:33:50,579 - It's Swiss. - Yeah, so I believe. 468 00:33:50,700 --> 00:33:53,419 Would you like me to tell you a bit about Switzerland? 469 00:33:53,540 --> 00:33:56,771 You probably only know about Toblerones and the tragic shortage of beaches. 470 00:33:56,900 --> 00:33:59,494 I know plenty about Switzerland, thanks. 471 00:33:59,620 --> 00:34:03,408 Went to school there for a year when I was 15. You know, exchange student. 472 00:34:03,540 --> 00:34:05,656 Used to go skiing in Gstaad. 473 00:34:05,780 --> 00:34:08,340 Ah, I've been to Gstaad many times. 474 00:34:08,460 --> 00:34:10,894 Maybe we bumped into each other without knowing. 475 00:34:11,020 --> 00:34:13,693 I shouldn't think so. I wouldn't have been born. 476 00:34:13,820 --> 00:34:18,769 Let me finish. I wouldn't have been... born there, in Gstaad. 477 00:34:18,900 --> 00:34:24,179 But thinking about it, that's irrelevant, so yes, we could easily have bumped into each other. 478 00:34:24,300 --> 00:34:27,849 - You don't sound very Swiss. - My dad moved to London when I was four. 479 00:34:27,980 --> 00:34:31,734 - He was one of the Gnomes of Zurich. - What was that, a circus act? 480 00:34:31,860 --> 00:34:34,010 - What? - Was he a dwarf? 481 00:34:34,140 --> 00:34:37,337 Jesus! The Gnomes of Zurich. International financiers, bankers. 482 00:34:37,460 --> 00:34:40,497 - Ooh. Sorry. - I mean, the Gnomes of Zurich. 483 00:34:40,620 --> 00:34:43,088 - Everybody knows that. - Well, I didn't. 484 00:34:43,220 --> 00:34:46,451 - And you thought my dad was a dwarf! - Let's just leave it, shall we? 485 00:34:46,580 --> 00:34:49,572 Jesus! 486 00:34:52,140 --> 00:34:54,779 You all right, mate? Where's Guy? You're wet. 487 00:34:54,900 --> 00:34:58,654 I know. Someone poured beer over my head. It's really good for your hair. 488 00:34:58,780 --> 00:35:01,578 - You all right? - Yeah. I've just pulled. 489 00:35:01,700 --> 00:35:04,339 - You've pulled? - Yeah. Over there. 490 00:35:04,460 --> 00:35:08,009 - Well done. Whoo! Yeah. Who'd you pull? - Some office tottie. 491 00:35:08,140 --> 00:35:12,372 - Careful. You'll start sounding like Guy. - Guy, yeah. Where is he? 492 00:35:12,500 --> 00:35:15,060 - I think he went off with Joanna. - "Went off"? 493 00:35:15,180 --> 00:35:17,489 - Yeah. - Why would he want to go off with Joanna? 494 00:35:17,620 --> 00:35:20,453 - Maybe because he fancies her. - That is disgusting! 495 00:35:20,580 --> 00:35:24,016 Hey. Calm down, calm down. All right, she's a tiny bit older than he is. 496 00:35:24,140 --> 00:35:27,018 - That is obscene. - Just live and let live. 497 00:35:27,140 --> 00:35:30,974 You don't drink Guinness. You don't smoke fags. 498 00:35:32,020 --> 00:35:35,535 Well, were they... were they... Did they go and... to have... 499 00:35:35,660 --> 00:35:37,935 - What? - Are they going to do things? 500 00:35:38,060 --> 00:35:43,009 - "Things" are top of his agenda. - Over my dead body! They mustn't. 501 00:35:43,140 --> 00:35:45,335 - Why not? - Well, because... she's mine! 502 00:35:45,460 --> 00:35:46,734 Jesus fucking... 503 00:36:19,500 --> 00:36:21,456 Boyce! 504 00:36:24,180 --> 00:36:26,136 No! 505 00:36:28,660 --> 00:36:29,979 Boyce! 506 00:36:32,380 --> 00:36:34,336 Hmm. Nice pad. 507 00:36:34,460 --> 00:36:36,416 Oh, yeah. 508 00:36:37,700 --> 00:36:40,055 - Bathroom? - Through there. 509 00:36:41,180 --> 00:36:44,695 - I'll just, er, slip into something... - More comfortable? 510 00:36:44,820 --> 00:36:50,656 ..that isn't chafing me quite so much. New thong. Makes me feel like a slice of Edam. 511 00:36:53,940 --> 00:36:55,896 Oh, Jesus. 512 00:37:08,460 --> 00:37:10,416 Come on! 513 00:37:13,660 --> 00:37:16,970 - Have you got any vodka? - Yeah. Er... 514 00:37:17,100 --> 00:37:19,056 Yep. Coming up. 515 00:37:30,500 --> 00:37:34,971 Right, you ginger fucking freak. Welcome to the undersea world of Cock Cousteau. 516 00:37:35,100 --> 00:37:40,458 I'm going to be plumbing the depths that only a few thousand men have ever been before... 517 00:37:40,580 --> 00:37:44,334 - What's up, Doc? - Oh, look at the state of you. 518 00:37:44,460 --> 00:37:49,773 - Smashed mango and summer blush peach. - No, thanks. I've already eaten. 519 00:37:49,900 --> 00:37:54,690 - Do you wanna go first, or shall I? - No, you go. I'll, er... rub it on you. 520 00:37:54,820 --> 00:38:00,292 Can you flick it across me first, in big stringy blobs? I really like that. 521 00:38:00,420 --> 00:38:03,457 Yeah. I'm just going to move you... 522 00:38:03,580 --> 00:38:05,810 - Ooh! Trim bush. - What? 523 00:38:06,740 --> 00:38:08,696 Tremendoushh. 524 00:38:32,900 --> 00:38:35,255 - Go away. - Shan't. 525 00:38:36,580 --> 00:38:39,174 - I am such a tit. - Yep. Yep. 526 00:38:39,300 --> 00:38:43,339 - You don't have to agree with me. - I was just being polite. 527 00:38:47,540 --> 00:38:49,496 I was very impressed. 528 00:38:50,420 --> 00:38:53,014 By what? Me wrongly attacking your girlfriend? 529 00:38:53,140 --> 00:38:58,055 - These things happen. - I called her a fraudulent little tart. 530 00:38:58,180 --> 00:39:01,570 - Still, it's the thought that counts. - What does that mean? 531 00:39:01,700 --> 00:39:05,215 I was impressed you, er... you felt you needed to run a check on her. 532 00:39:05,340 --> 00:39:08,571 Well, it's a fairly standard security procedure. 533 00:39:08,700 --> 00:39:13,296 Oh, I see, I see. Have you run checks on all 850 members of staff? 534 00:39:13,420 --> 00:39:14,899 - No, not yet. - How many so far? 535 00:39:15,020 --> 00:39:17,580 - Just her so far. - Oh. 536 00:39:17,700 --> 00:39:20,851 I guess it was just... random testing. 537 00:39:22,460 --> 00:39:26,294 I love that, the way your random testing comes up with my ex-girlfriend. 538 00:39:26,420 --> 00:39:28,456 Don't flatter yourself. 539 00:39:31,260 --> 00:39:34,252 - Your ex-girlfriend? - Mm. Mm, yeah. 540 00:39:34,380 --> 00:39:37,690 Well, we had an... exchange of words, and... 541 00:39:37,820 --> 00:39:40,937 I got quite a nice lager shampoo. She, erm... 542 00:39:41,060 --> 00:39:45,372 You know, she said she thought that I ought to be angry with you. 543 00:39:45,500 --> 00:39:48,014 - Yeah. Yeah, you should have been. - I know. 544 00:39:48,140 --> 00:39:53,612 Whereas, in fact, strangely I found myself a ) impressed, 545 00:39:53,740 --> 00:39:55,731 b ) amused, c)... 546 00:39:55,860 --> 00:39:58,374 You knew about the other Emily Lewis Westbrook. 547 00:39:58,500 --> 00:40:01,333 She'd... She mentioned it. 548 00:40:03,300 --> 00:40:05,256 You bastard. 549 00:40:09,260 --> 00:40:11,216 What... what was c)? 550 00:40:13,220 --> 00:40:15,176 C). Erm... 551 00:40:15,780 --> 00:40:17,736 It was, er... 552 00:40:48,700 --> 00:40:50,736 Where are you, dream boy? 553 00:40:51,860 --> 00:40:55,409 - I'm right here, dream... woman. - Girl. 554 00:40:55,540 --> 00:40:58,612 - Why is there a hypodermic in your bag? - Don't touch that. 555 00:40:58,740 --> 00:41:02,050 - What's it for? - It's nothing. It's... it's heroin. 556 00:41:02,180 --> 00:41:06,412 No, it's not. It's botulinum toxin type A. It's Botox. 557 00:41:06,540 --> 00:41:10,294 Yeah, all right. They had clinical trials going on, they needed a guinea pig. 558 00:41:10,420 --> 00:41:16,211 Guinea pig? You've got enough in there to smooth over a small herd of elephants. 559 00:41:16,340 --> 00:41:17,853 Just get back into bed, OK? 560 00:41:27,620 --> 00:41:31,738 So, er, you were saying how - ow - how good I was. 561 00:41:31,860 --> 00:41:34,818 Perhaps you'd like to give me a score, on a scale of 8 to 10. 562 00:41:34,940 --> 00:41:39,218 - I don't know. - You can feel free to go to 11 if you want. 563 00:41:39,340 --> 00:41:41,934 And I don't always call out my own name when I come. 564 00:41:42,060 --> 00:41:46,770 That was just a warm-up, really, wasn't it? I'll give you your score after the main action. 565 00:41:46,900 --> 00:41:50,654 Right, that's it. You're getting my best moves. 566 00:41:50,780 --> 00:41:52,657 - You hussy. - Hang on, hang on. 567 00:41:52,780 --> 00:41:54,975 You dirty... woman. 568 00:41:58,540 --> 00:42:00,371 Let me in! Let me in! Stop! 569 00:42:03,260 --> 00:42:05,979 Hold on... No. 570 00:42:06,100 --> 00:42:08,978 Do not sleep with that woman! 571 00:42:09,100 --> 00:42:12,297 - Who are you? - I thought this was Guy Secretan's flat. 572 00:42:12,420 --> 00:42:14,695 No, that wanker lives upstairs. Top floor. 573 00:42:15,340 --> 00:42:17,535 No, you'll have to give me ten more minutes. 574 00:42:17,660 --> 00:42:20,572 Why have you got a picture of men with skis by your bed? 575 00:42:20,700 --> 00:42:23,533 - One of them's my biological father. - What? 576 00:42:23,660 --> 00:42:28,336 Yeah. One of them's my real father. That's the only picture I've got of him. 577 00:42:28,460 --> 00:42:31,372 I was abandoned outside the ski school when I was two days old. 578 00:42:31,500 --> 00:42:35,812 - Oh, my God! - It's all right, babe. I'm over it. 579 00:42:35,940 --> 00:42:39,694 - And your mother? - Never knew her. She dumped me and ran. 580 00:42:39,820 --> 00:42:44,291 Left me a note saying one of the instructors was my father, but she didn't know which one. 581 00:42:44,420 --> 00:42:48,015 My pretend father keeps threatening to release all the details to me, 582 00:42:48,140 --> 00:42:51,416 but frankly, I couldn't be... What's wrong with you? You all right? 583 00:42:51,540 --> 00:42:53,496 Yeah, I'm fine. Erm... 584 00:42:54,860 --> 00:42:58,091 Actually, erm, I think maybe I should go. 585 00:42:58,220 --> 00:43:01,610 Do you know, what, baby? You shouldn't think, you should just feel. 586 00:43:01,740 --> 00:43:04,698 Oh, my God. I think I'm gonna be sick. 587 00:43:06,460 --> 00:43:08,416 Oh, my God! 588 00:43:09,580 --> 00:43:11,138 - God! - Why are they always sick? 589 00:43:11,260 --> 00:43:13,455 - Let me in! Stop! - What the... 590 00:43:13,580 --> 00:43:15,696 Who the hell... ? 591 00:43:15,820 --> 00:43:19,256 - Oi! - Let me in or I'll break the door down. 592 00:43:20,580 --> 00:43:22,855 The tit? 593 00:43:22,980 --> 00:43:27,974 You didn't... you... have your way... Did you... did you... 594 00:43:28,100 --> 00:43:31,217 - Don't sleep with Joanna. - I can sleep with whoever I want. 595 00:43:31,340 --> 00:43:33,251 - No! There's reasons! - What reasons? 596 00:43:33,380 --> 00:43:36,770 - It's not like either of us is married. - Bigger reasons. 597 00:43:36,900 --> 00:43:39,414 - One of us has a disease? - Bigger. 598 00:43:39,540 --> 00:43:41,974 - She's my long-lost sister? - Similar. 599 00:43:42,100 --> 00:43:45,854 What's similar to that? She's my long-lost brother? 600 00:43:45,980 --> 00:43:47,572 Why are you masturbating your ear? 601 00:43:47,700 --> 00:43:50,260 Oh. Sounds like... "brother". 602 00:43:50,380 --> 00:43:52,336 "Smother". 603 00:43:52,460 --> 00:43:55,497 Shorter... She's my long-lost smoo? 604 00:43:57,940 --> 00:44:01,091 Two... two arms. Two syllables. 605 00:44:01,220 --> 00:44:04,053 What? One syllable? One syllable? 606 00:44:07,180 --> 00:44:10,411 - Buzzy buzzy penis? - She's my smoo too! 607 00:44:12,460 --> 00:44:15,736 She... she... she's your smoo? 608 00:44:15,860 --> 00:44:18,693 - And my smoo? - What are we gonna do? 609 00:44:29,060 --> 00:44:33,019 Do you, er... do you want to come round my gaff tonight, then? 610 00:44:33,140 --> 00:44:34,539 - Come round your gaff? - It's not rude. 611 00:44:34,660 --> 00:44:38,255 - I never said it was. - You implied it with the tone of your voice. 612 00:44:38,380 --> 00:44:41,133 I'm not coming if it's not rude. 613 00:44:41,260 --> 00:44:44,252 - OK. It's quite rude. - I'll be there. 614 00:44:44,380 --> 00:44:46,177 - OK. - All right. 615 00:44:46,300 --> 00:44:48,131 Stop! 616 00:44:48,260 --> 00:44:50,410 - What? - There's been a... 617 00:44:50,540 --> 00:44:55,739 Er... er... something... There's been an incident at... 618 00:44:55,860 --> 00:45:00,695 - There's been an incident at Guy's flat. - Slowly, slowly. 619 00:45:01,580 --> 00:45:05,937 - Stabbing. A stabbing at Guy's flat. - OK. Hang on. Quiet. OK, OK. 620 00:45:06,060 --> 00:45:07,891 Yes, yes! 621 00:45:08,020 --> 00:45:09,817 - Yes! Up! Yes! - Come on, let's go. 622 00:45:09,940 --> 00:45:14,218 - Not you! Not you! Not you! - Guy's place. Come on. In we go. 623 00:45:14,340 --> 00:45:17,252 - In we go. - No! No, no. No, no. 624 00:45:18,300 --> 00:45:22,179 Hey! No, no! Listen! Listen! She's not good enough for you. 625 00:45:22,300 --> 00:45:25,098 She's never going to be good enough for you, Mac! 626 00:45:25,220 --> 00:45:27,370 She doesn't have a fanny! 627 00:45:55,900 --> 00:45:58,368 - I had to warn them. - Warn who? 628 00:45:58,500 --> 00:46:03,449 - Guy and Joanna. Somebody had to tell 'em. - Tell 'em what? 629 00:46:03,580 --> 00:46:07,971 They're mother and son. We're half-brothers. Didn't go down too well. 630 00:46:08,100 --> 00:46:12,571 - What's wrong with you? - Apart from a tendency to talk bollocks. 631 00:46:12,700 --> 00:46:18,058 Guy didn't believe me, so he stuck Botox in my legs. My legs are Botoxed. 632 00:46:18,180 --> 00:46:22,139 Go and lie down in the big white taxi, all right? 633 00:46:23,220 --> 00:46:24,209 I'll be f... 634 00:46:24,340 --> 00:46:25,693 Taxi! 635 00:46:26,740 --> 00:46:28,492 Tax... Oh. 636 00:46:28,620 --> 00:46:31,214 Dr Macartney. Dr Todd. 637 00:46:31,340 --> 00:46:35,811 - Oh, dear! OK... - It's fine. One too many vodkas, I expect. 638 00:46:35,940 --> 00:46:41,537 - You have a hypodermic needle in your arm. - No, that's fine. I'm a diabetic. 639 00:46:41,660 --> 00:46:45,858 It's supposed to be like that. Will you all just fuck off? 640 00:46:47,900 --> 00:46:49,856 Nice and easy. Nice and easy. 641 00:46:53,660 --> 00:46:56,094 Where's my fucking car? 642 00:46:56,220 --> 00:46:58,176 Hello. Hello. 643 00:46:58,300 --> 00:47:01,292 - Morning. - OK? Where are you going? 644 00:47:01,420 --> 00:47:03,934 - I'm going for a spin. - Not like that, you're not. 645 00:47:04,060 --> 00:47:07,132 What, it's a bit flashy? I think this is a bit smart caz. 646 00:47:07,260 --> 00:47:11,378 You look terrific. What I'm worried about is the units of alcohol in your bloodstream. 647 00:47:11,500 --> 00:47:14,572 - I don't care. - You will if you smash yourself to pieces. 648 00:47:14,700 --> 00:47:17,055 - I won't, actually. - OK. You will care 649 00:47:17,180 --> 00:47:21,219 - if you smash your car to pieces. - That's a point. Shit! 650 00:47:21,340 --> 00:47:26,494 - Come on. I knew you'd see sense. Come on. - Let me finish. I'm gonna... I'm gonna... 651 00:47:26,620 --> 00:47:28,770 And then I'm gonna... 652 00:47:28,900 --> 00:47:33,655 This is your fault! I'm gonna take this big chap over here. 653 00:47:41,740 --> 00:47:43,651 Fuck! 654 00:47:48,100 --> 00:47:50,056 Oi! 655 00:47:57,220 --> 00:48:01,179 Just thinking about it makes me feel dirty... yucky. 656 00:48:01,300 --> 00:48:05,339 - Yes, all right. They didn't know at the time. - It's like a bad dream. 657 00:48:05,460 --> 00:48:07,928 They're quite alike, really. Mentally. 658 00:48:08,060 --> 00:48:11,211 And Martin's related to them. He's part of a family of mad people. 659 00:48:11,340 --> 00:48:13,900 Ironically, he's probably the sanest person here. 660 00:48:14,020 --> 00:48:18,059 - Apart from me, of course. - I'm just worried about what he might do. 661 00:48:18,180 --> 00:48:21,855 He's not going to show his face around here, not after that. 662 00:48:21,980 --> 00:48:25,052 He'll have to move to America and live in a caravan with his mother, 663 00:48:25,180 --> 00:48:29,059 where they'll have big-foreheaded children with very small hands. 664 00:48:29,180 --> 00:48:32,138 You don't think they're going to keep on sleeping together? 665 00:48:32,260 --> 00:48:37,288 Yes! Course they will. He's a pervert. She's just desperate. 666 00:48:39,100 --> 00:48:42,536 - Any news? - Last we heard they were on the B4778. 667 00:48:42,660 --> 00:48:45,936 - Somewhere in Wales. - Mac's trying to get them to turn back. 668 00:48:46,060 --> 00:48:47,573 Poor Mac. God! 669 00:48:48,620 --> 00:48:52,010 Yes, "poor Mac". I'll say that, actually. 670 00:48:52,140 --> 00:48:55,416 - Look, I'm sure they're gonna be fine. - Fine? 671 00:48:55,540 --> 00:48:59,533 Mummy's boy is driving, pissed out of his skull. I don't think he's gonna be fine. 672 00:49:06,860 --> 00:49:10,375 No, he's definitely getting more rational. I think I can get him to stop. 673 00:49:10,500 --> 00:49:12,092 - Who are you calling? - The filth. 674 00:49:12,220 --> 00:49:15,496 - Come and get me, Porky! - No, he's not... What? 675 00:49:15,620 --> 00:49:19,374 No, he's had a bit of a shock recently. It's left him a bit unbalanced. 676 00:49:19,500 --> 00:49:23,254 - On top of the world. - Well... No, he had sex with his mother. 677 00:49:23,380 --> 00:49:26,099 Don't tell them that! Jesus! What's wrong with you? 678 00:49:26,220 --> 00:49:28,097 Why not? It's not a crime! 679 00:49:28,220 --> 00:49:32,054 Oh, it is? Wow. Apparently you can get up to seven years. 680 00:49:32,180 --> 00:49:35,138 This is you trying to talk someone out of a suicidal depression? 681 00:49:35,260 --> 00:49:38,616 I'm just giving them mitigating circumstances for joy-riding! 682 00:49:38,740 --> 00:49:41,049 - Do I look like I'm joyous?! - Fine, fine. 683 00:49:41,180 --> 00:49:43,740 I'll check out the penalties for misery-riding. 684 00:49:43,860 --> 00:49:48,729 Hello? Yeah, it's me again. No, forget the mother thing. That was a slip of the tongue. 685 00:49:48,860 --> 00:49:53,809 What I meant was, he's just discovered that one of his colleagues is his brother. 686 00:49:53,940 --> 00:49:57,012 - Half-brother! - Half-brother. 687 00:49:57,140 --> 00:49:59,256 - Can I get back to... ? - Fuck off, Kojak! 688 00:49:59,380 --> 00:50:01,291 - That's my fucking mobile! - Fuck off! 689 00:50:02,060 --> 00:50:05,894 - Get your hands on the wheel. - Sod the wheel! Fuck off. 690 00:50:12,060 --> 00:50:14,051 Fucking hell. Hello? 691 00:50:14,180 --> 00:50:16,569 - Mayday, mayd... - Give me that! 692 00:50:16,700 --> 00:50:18,691 Stop the Dave Lee Travis shit! 693 00:50:20,740 --> 00:50:23,129 Just go back to fucking fairyland! 694 00:50:23,260 --> 00:50:24,852 Sheep! 695 00:50:40,140 --> 00:50:43,530 - Could we have a quick huddle? - Dr Todd'll give you a cuddle. 696 00:50:43,660 --> 00:50:46,049 - She's into that. - "Huddle", not "cuddle". 697 00:50:46,180 --> 00:50:48,136 - What do you mean, "into that"? - You know. 698 00:50:48,260 --> 00:50:49,579 I do not. 699 00:50:49,700 --> 00:50:53,773 A group huddle would be a good thing, wouldn't it, spiritually? 700 00:50:53,900 --> 00:50:55,970 - Well, I... - Wouldn't it? 701 00:50:56,100 --> 00:51:00,139 Well, it might be. As long as it's a group, not just you and me. 702 00:51:00,260 --> 00:51:02,216 Is that a yes? 703 00:51:03,140 --> 00:51:04,573 Yes, all right. 704 00:51:04,700 --> 00:51:07,294 - No surprises there, then. - Shut up! 705 00:51:07,420 --> 00:51:10,651 OK, OK. This is just the tension speaking. 706 00:51:10,780 --> 00:51:14,455 I think it's a great idea. Let's all have a huddle. 707 00:51:14,580 --> 00:51:17,856 A moment's contemplation in complete silence, 708 00:51:17,980 --> 00:51:23,293 in the hope that our friends will be returned to us safe and sound, very soon. 709 00:51:30,940 --> 00:51:32,896 OK, OK. 710 00:51:33,020 --> 00:51:36,456 Very calm, very careful. No sudden moves. 711 00:51:38,620 --> 00:51:39,769 Jesus. 712 00:51:39,900 --> 00:51:46,214 If Martin... climbs forward, we'll be all right. We can all get out. 713 00:51:46,340 --> 00:51:49,252 - I can't move. My legs are like zeppelins. - OK, OK. 714 00:51:49,380 --> 00:51:53,737 If-If-If-If Martin can't move, what are the options? 715 00:51:53,860 --> 00:51:59,014 If we get out and leave him, Martin will go over the edge. 716 00:52:00,460 --> 00:52:04,692 If we go down and get him, we'll all go over the edge. 717 00:52:04,820 --> 00:52:06,378 That's tricky. 718 00:52:06,500 --> 00:52:10,812 OK, that's enough debate. Let's move to a vote. 719 00:52:11,860 --> 00:52:16,217 Don't worry about me. You get out. I'll take my chances. 720 00:52:16,340 --> 00:52:20,128 - Can't let you do that, I'm afraid, Martin. - Well, he has got a point. 721 00:52:20,260 --> 00:52:22,216 - Shut up! - What? What? 722 00:52:22,340 --> 00:52:26,538 I mean, you know, the way I see it, either three people die, or one person dies. 723 00:52:26,660 --> 00:52:29,777 - And why should it be Martin? - Isn't it obvious? Look at him. 724 00:52:29,900 --> 00:52:34,735 - No, it's not obvious. - Look at his face. He's all... wrong. 725 00:52:34,860 --> 00:52:36,816 - He's your half-brother! - Stop saying that! 726 00:52:36,940 --> 00:52:38,692 He's your half-brother. 727 00:52:38,820 --> 00:52:40,378 No! No! 728 00:52:40,500 --> 00:52:42,456 Martin! Martin! OK, OK. 729 00:52:42,580 --> 00:52:44,536 No! 730 00:52:45,140 --> 00:52:46,653 He's... he's... 731 00:52:46,780 --> 00:52:50,614 - If he wants to go, who are we to stop him? - Guy's right. 732 00:52:50,740 --> 00:52:55,575 I've never done anything to make the world a better place, like you two proper doctors, 733 00:52:55,700 --> 00:52:57,975 so... just save yourselves. 734 00:52:58,100 --> 00:53:01,695 This'll be my one big gesture, last chance to prove myself. 735 00:53:01,820 --> 00:53:04,254 That is right... until you hit the ground. 736 00:53:04,380 --> 00:53:07,258 Listen, all of us are going home. All of us, or none of us. 737 00:53:07,380 --> 00:53:11,931 - What are we, the Three Musketeers? - Yeah, if you like. 738 00:53:13,140 --> 00:53:15,449 - Can I be Porthos? - I'm Porthos. You're Aramis. 739 00:53:15,580 --> 00:53:18,174 - Fuck off! I don't want to be a perfume. - Why not? 740 00:53:18,300 --> 00:53:21,576 It's like being called Paco Rabanne or L'Air du Temps. 741 00:53:21,700 --> 00:53:24,817 - OK, you can be D'Artagnan. - He wasn't one of the three. 742 00:53:24,940 --> 00:53:29,889 He was unqualified, so if anyone should be D'Artagnan, it's Martin. 743 00:53:30,020 --> 00:53:33,774 If you're not D'Artagnan, or Porthos, or Aramis, that would make you... 744 00:53:33,900 --> 00:53:35,618 - The other one. - Whose name is... 745 00:53:35,740 --> 00:53:37,696 I know this. 746 00:53:45,580 --> 00:53:49,539 She just touched my jacksie! Yup. The one without the fanny. 747 00:53:49,660 --> 00:53:51,810 Touched my jacksie. 748 00:53:53,820 --> 00:53:56,698 You Scottish bastard. 749 00:54:00,660 --> 00:54:05,859 - I still think you should just get out. - You've got too much to live for. 750 00:54:06,900 --> 00:54:08,856 - What's her name? Is it Karen? - Karen. 751 00:54:08,980 --> 00:54:12,655 - Karen would want you to live. - Caroline would want you to live. 752 00:54:12,780 --> 00:54:17,570 Yeah, I... You know, we've all got nice reasons like that we can think of, but... 753 00:54:17,700 --> 00:54:21,375 - Well, most of us have, anyway. - I've got reasons to be saved. 754 00:54:21,500 --> 00:54:25,334 - Have you? Like what? - Like I can't die until I... 755 00:54:25,460 --> 00:54:27,132 - Until what? - Until I, erm... 756 00:54:27,260 --> 00:54:31,412 I-I-I-I remember the name of the third musketeer. 757 00:54:36,980 --> 00:54:39,289 - Athos. - Yep. 758 00:54:40,340 --> 00:54:42,296 Oh, dear. 759 00:54:43,300 --> 00:54:44,335 Athos. 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net