1 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:06,797 What, does it say ' no smoking' ? 2 00:00:09,240 --> 00:00:14,075 Thanks, Mac. Now, how can I help you? 3 00:00:22,600 --> 00:00:25,672 Happy birthday, Mum. 4 00:00:27,600 --> 00:00:31,991 - I'm not in a relationship with you no more. - Aha. At least you admit it's a relationship. 5 00:00:32,120 --> 00:00:34,759 - Was. - Well, all right. 6 00:00:36,760 --> 00:00:38,876 Where are you, dream boy? 7 00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:42,197 I'm right here, dream... woman. 8 00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:45,915 They're mother and son. We're half-brothers. It didn't go down too well. 9 00:00:46,040 --> 00:00:48,395 This is your fault! 10 00:00:48,520 --> 00:00:51,751 - He had sex with his mother. - Don't tell them that! 11 00:01:22,320 --> 00:01:27,440 - Get your schlong up, you big wanker! - I'm not talking to you. 12 00:01:28,440 --> 00:01:30,874 Who's taken my pigging space? 13 00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:34,795 Still not talking to you. 14 00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:49,710 - That's you. - No, that's you. Why are you doing that? 15 00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:59,274 - Can you take it from here for me? - Whoa! How do you stand it up? 16 00:02:06,280 --> 00:02:09,192 I couldn't get your bike to stand up, so I sold it. 17 00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:12,039 - You're looking gorgeous as ever. - Thank you. 18 00:02:12,160 --> 00:02:14,310 I was talking to Martin. 19 00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:38,150 Get in the lift. Come on. 20 00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:45,073 - Everybody happy? - I'll be happier when I get these things off. 21 00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:51,159 I trust there have been no breaches in security? 22 00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:54,317 Everything's under control, Lieutenant. 23 00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:56,908 Activate clothing change. 24 00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:58,837 Activation. 25 00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:01,793 (Sue) Would anybody like some ham? 26 00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:11,469 Hold on. 27 00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:13,556 This isn't mine. 28 00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:21,558 - Good to have you back, Commander. - Thanks. It's good to be back. 29 00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:35,598 Status report? 30 00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:38,598 Alien craft now immobilised in main restraining area. 31 00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:41,757 - What happened to satellite surveillance? - I don't know. 32 00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:45,316 Blind spot. They're in Area 52. 33 00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:49,676 I'm going in. 34 00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:52,792 And I need someone to come with me. Where's Guy? 35 00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:56,151 - He's gone to the toilet. - Who said that? 36 00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:59,150 I can't hear you, sir. 37 00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:04,115 - You're very faint. - (Mac) No, I'm not. What do you mean? 38 00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:07,596 (Caroline) You're just very quiet today. 39 00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:10,954 You're very quiet today. 40 00:04:11,080 --> 00:04:13,071 Again. 41 00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:15,668 You know, one quiet day is cool and moody, 42 00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:20,430 but eight quiet weeks might be considered standoffish. 43 00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:27,830 OK. If you love me, lie still and don't open your eyes. 44 00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:32,317 If you don't love me, sit up and sing ' I Will Survive' . 45 00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:35,591 Really? 46 00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:38,109 Aw. 47 00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:40,196 I thought so. 48 00:04:44,840 --> 00:04:48,037 Do you want ' Leader of the Pack' again? 49 00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:51,391 Something to jog the deepest recesses? 50 00:04:56,120 --> 00:04:58,634 There he is. Yoo-hoo! 51 00:04:58,760 --> 00:05:01,513 Hello! Martin! 52 00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:04,200 Marty! Up here! 53 00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:08,636 - I know he can see me. - Ignoring you again, is he? 54 00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:10,557 Oi! Blind boy! 55 00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:13,638 Yeah, Karen wants a word. 56 00:05:16,080 --> 00:05:19,117 He's all yours. Quick! She's coming. 57 00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:25,152 - So, how far have you got? - Oh, I'm just getting to the good bit. 58 00:05:25,280 --> 00:05:28,716 - The bit where he sleeps with his...? - Yes, thank you. 59 00:05:28,840 --> 00:05:33,914 What do the twatting Greeks know about tragedy? 60 00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:40,070 Try being me for half an hour. Then you know about fucking tragedy. 61 00:05:41,280 --> 00:05:42,349 So... 62 00:05:42,480 --> 00:05:45,597 shall we just talk about me and you 63 00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:48,757 and how well things were going 64 00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:53,317 just before you went and did something really stupid? 65 00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:01,436 (horn ) 66 00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:09,757 - How's he doing? - Oh, you know. Unconscious. 67 00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:13,509 I've been trying to ring you. Ooh! More cards and prezzies. 68 00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:17,918 ' Dearest Macadamia, missing your smell. From Emmy.' Again. 69 00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:21,350 He doesn't like nuts. Ridiculous thing to bring when someone's in a coma. 70 00:06:21,480 --> 00:06:24,631 What does she think we'll do? Purée them and shove them down a feeding tube? 71 00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:29,038 - Thoughtless, udderless sow bitch. - You're coping ever so well, you know that? 72 00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:31,196 - Yeah. 73 00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:34,756 Gotta go. Tell him to try and get some rest. 74 00:06:56,320 --> 00:06:58,675 D'you wanna be in my gang, my gang, my gang? 75 00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:02,395 Wanna be in my gang? Oh, yeah! 76 00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:12,992 Yeah, it's good to be back It's good to be back, hello 77 00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:15,315 I'm the leader, I'm the leader 78 00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:18,352 I'm the leader of the gang, I am 79 00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:52,356 (clears throat) 80 00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:59,280 Oh, God damn your eyes! 81 00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:01,550 I'll get you, my pretty. 82 00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:17,355 - Hi. - Hi. 83 00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:19,596 - Can you sign this? - Yeah. 84 00:08:19,720 --> 00:08:21,039 - Hang on. What is this? - Thank you. 85 00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:24,311 - What did I sign? - It's a celebrity autograph. For little kiddies. 86 00:08:24,440 --> 00:08:27,113 I want to know. I might just have sold my kidneys to a rich American. 87 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:29,310 It just says stuff like the date, you know, 88 00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:32,159 and ' Guy Secretan's time sheet completed, blahdiblahdiblah' 89 00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:34,999 and ' in accordance with the terms of the probationary supervision order 90 00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:36,633 number blahdiblahdiblahdiblah' 91 00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:39,991 and, you know, ' I confirm that he is... blahdiblahdiblahdiblah.' 92 00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:42,793 It means I can work again sooner rather than later, OK? 93 00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:45,559 No, not OK. Let me see what I've signed. 94 00:08:45,680 --> 00:08:49,195 - How's coma boy? - (sighs ) No change. 95 00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:52,710 Don't say it like that. Like you're thinking why him and not me? 96 00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:54,717 - I'm not. - I know. 97 00:08:54,840 --> 00:08:58,594 I'm just a survivor. I'm the fittest. 98 00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:04,112 Greetings, one and all. 99 00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:05,673 Mr Boyce. 100 00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:08,758 So, what... what jollities await, hm? 101 00:09:08,880 --> 00:09:12,031 What larks? What japes, hm? 102 00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:14,355 What hilarity lurketh today? 103 00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:17,836 Er, is there... is there tomato soup in the light box, hm? 104 00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:20,599 Or superglued my special mug? 105 00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:22,790 Let's see. 106 00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:25,354 All right. Fair enough. No, I see not. I mean... 107 00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:28,995 So, w-what is it? Hm? Always something, isn't there? Eh? 108 00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:30,951 No. Not today. 109 00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:34,311 A truce, then, Mr Boyce, for the nonce? 110 00:09:34,920 --> 00:09:37,275 - Indeed. - So, what is it? 111 00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:42,397 Hm? A little bit under the weather, are we, Mr Boyce? 112 00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:46,513 Or have we run out of childish ideas, huh? 113 00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:49,632 Yes, well, you may have won the odd battle, Mr Boyce, 114 00:09:49,760 --> 00:09:52,228 but you clearly cannot win the war. 115 00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:55,193 Ego sum victor! 116 00:09:55,320 --> 00:09:56,878 Ha! 117 00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:59,150 My daddy died last night. 118 00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:07,791 Well... Hm? 119 00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:10,639 Well, I-I-I'm very... I'm saddened that... 120 00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:14,079 That's... 121 00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:16,589 W-w-were you with him at the end? 122 00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:18,278 - Yeah. - Yeah. 123 00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:20,356 Yes, I was. 124 00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:23,950 Would you like to see him? 125 00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:30,036 What, the body? 126 00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:36,109 He's in there. 127 00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:39,949 Your father is not in there. 128 00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:41,835 No. 129 00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:44,315 No - Daddy. 130 00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:46,795 My pet daddy-longlegs is. 131 00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:59,435 You said you were saddened. 132 00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:01,751 A daddy-longlegs 133 00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:04,030 is not a father! 134 00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:32,475 - Enough. - Enough what? 135 00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:36,195 Enough of the Florence Nightingale moping round the sick bed like the little widow. 136 00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:38,788 - I beg your pardon? - Accepted. 137 00:11:38,920 --> 00:11:41,070 There have been complaints, Dr Turd. 138 00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:43,509 Todd. Complaints? Who, exactly? 139 00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:46,074 Apparently you're spending too much time with the one invalid 140 00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:49,636 and not enough time with all the other invalids you're paid to cure. 141 00:11:49,760 --> 00:11:52,069 - Mac is very ill. - You mustn't blame yourself. 142 00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:55,476 I wasn't. And there can be... What do you mean, ' blame yourself' ? 143 00:11:55,600 --> 00:11:57,431 It was nothing to do with me. 144 00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:01,036 Yes! 145 00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:05,596 There! 146 00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:09,000 - Sorry, where were we? - There! 147 00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:13,589 Now, here. 148 00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:17,949 You haven't had complaints. You just don't want me in there with Mac, do you? 149 00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:20,071 - Pah. - That's the truth, isn't it? 150 00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:20,950 Pah. 151 00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:23,196 Sometimes we have to examine our motives. 152 00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:24,514 Pah, pah. 153 00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:28,189 Yeah, well, you can go on pah-pahing as long as you like. 154 00:12:28,320 --> 00:12:32,757 Can you live with yourself, though? That's the thing. 155 00:12:32,880 --> 00:12:34,996 Pah, pah-pah, 156 00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:37,395 pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah, 157 00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:40,273 pah-pah, pah-pah. 158 00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:46,915 Pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah, 159 00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:48,996 pah-pah. 160 00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:04,956 Mac, I... 161 00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:08,350 I just want to say that... 162 00:13:09,320 --> 00:13:11,231 I haven't... 163 00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:16,036 I-I wasn't very... I hadn't... I wasn't... I didn't... 164 00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:18,310 You and me, we... It... 165 00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:26,992 Of course, if it had been me, I wouldn't have been in a coma in the first place. 166 00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:32,069 I am stronger than you both physically and mentally. 167 00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:36,470 Let's find out, shall we? 168 00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:42,316 (grunting) 169 00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:44,954 (grunting continues ) 170 00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:08,598 Oh. 171 00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:10,039 Honey. 172 00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:11,957 Honey? In your shoe? 173 00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:15,629 It's Robbie's hamster Honey. He's been missing for a couple of days. 174 00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:16,476 Poor Robbie. 175 00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:18,158 It doesn't matter, we get through two a week. 176 00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:21,113 Right. I'll put it in the shredder. 177 00:14:28,360 --> 00:14:30,316 Hey. 178 00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:37,953 - All right? - Yeah. 179 00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:41,755 Don't get all motherly-doverly with me, OK? I'm not the sentimental type. 180 00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:43,950 Just because I feel sick every time you come near me 181 00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:45,354 doesn't mean I'm not glad you're not dead. 182 00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:50,838 Ooh, you should set that to music. It'd make a fantastic lullaby. 183 00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:57,432 - Oi! What are you doing? Fucking nutter. - Don't you start. 184 00:14:57,560 --> 00:14:58,834 - Idiot. - Shut up. 185 00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:00,916 Prat. 186 00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:13,519 I'm sitting at the side of your bed, oh 187 00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:17,394 Wishing I could mend your broken head 188 00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:24,396 Wait, wait. Sorry. 189 00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:26,192 Are you 44? 190 00:15:26,320 --> 00:15:28,595 I'm not wearing much makeup, but that is rude. 191 00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:31,871 No, ticket 44. You need a ticket. 192 00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:34,355 88? But I need to see him. 193 00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:40,316 Well, he's been getting over 100 visitors a day. We had to do something. 194 00:15:54,840 --> 00:15:57,513 Who installed this machine? 195 00:15:57,640 --> 00:16:00,712 - I can't say. - Right. Excuse me. 196 00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:06,157 I'm so sorry you're in a coma 197 00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:13,309 I wish you could go home-a 198 00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:41,317 Have you checked those? 199 00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:44,398 I'm just asking. It was a little high. 200 00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:50,750 - Look out! - What? What? 201 00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:55,590 No, it's OK. I've got it under control. It's all right. It's OK. 202 00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:58,188 Carry on. Carry on. 203 00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:08,356 ( harmonica plays ) 204 00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:15,470 I woke up this mornin' 205 00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:19,958 Blues around my head 206 00:17:21,120 --> 00:17:24,476 I wokey up this mornin' 207 00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:29,149 Blues all around my bed 208 00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:34,592 Cos my ginger baby's sleepin' 209 00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:38,872 Sleepin' like he's dead 210 00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:45,796 Not bad. 211 00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:49,190 Not bad at all. 212 00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:53,036 ( drumming sounds ) 213 00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:57,351 We gotta keep this baby fast asleep 214 00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:03,474 - Anaesthesia is the new rock'n'roll. - Guy. 215 00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:05,556 - What? - We don't need two anaesthetists. 216 00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:09,593 That's a very good point, actually, so, thank you very much, you can go now. 217 00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:11,676 - Guy, there's no point... - Look. 218 00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:15,679 I'm allowed to observe and take part as long as I'm signed in and out. Them's the rules. 219 00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:19,679 But the whole point is to assess your attitude and ability to work normally. 220 00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:23,634 And working normally is making sure this hysterectomy victim 221 00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:26,115 doesn't know she's in Changing Wombs. 222 00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:29,232 - That's what I'm doing. - Oh, are you still here? 223 00:18:29,360 --> 00:18:32,750 Oh, I forgot to tell you. Your wife is in reception with the rest of your beard. 224 00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:35,599 She said she'd like to see you urgently. 225 00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:37,995 My wife's in Reykjavik. 226 00:18:38,120 --> 00:18:40,953 Let me finish. That's right. That's how important it is. 227 00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:44,675 She flew over especially, so well done with the easy bit, by the way, 228 00:18:44,800 --> 00:18:47,837 and I think if I will take over from now... 229 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:52,636 Guy, you mustn't do this. You're just making it worse for yourself. Go and talk to HR. 230 00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:56,753 Oh. Oh, and who is the head of human resources? 231 00:18:56,880 --> 00:18:59,189 Who is that? Is it my new-found mummy? 232 00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:01,914 Yes, I think it might be, so I'll pass, thank you very much. 233 00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:04,474 - I'm sorry. I can't do this. - You'll be all right. 234 00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:07,831 - You can just tuck those bits in at the end. - He means you have to go. 235 00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:13,751 Look. I am allowed to be here as long as I have my form signed. Will you tell them? 236 00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:16,030 (Caroline) You have to go, Guy. 237 00:19:17,080 --> 00:19:19,310 - Et tu, Caroline? - Yes, et me. 238 00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:22,796 - It's ego. - Et ego. Yeah, thank you, yes. 239 00:19:25,360 --> 00:19:27,316 (both ) What a wanker. 240 00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:47,910 Kim, where's the sub-contractor contact details file? 241 00:19:48,040 --> 00:19:49,996 Over there. 242 00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:56,357 - Oh, Karen, do you still have the big stapler? - Yeah. 243 00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:02,956 (gasp ) 244 00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:13,038 - Stupid. - (scream ) 245 00:20:13,160 --> 00:20:16,994 Oh, don't. Just don't. Just don't. Just don't. 246 00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:33,316 OK. 247 00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:54,433 Wake up or the kitty gets it. 248 00:20:58,000 --> 00:20:59,228 (sighs ) 249 00:20:59,360 --> 00:21:01,874 You said that would work. 250 00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:05,595 Sorry. I thought Dr Macartney was on his own. I'll... 251 00:21:05,720 --> 00:21:07,676 I'll pop back later. 252 00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:17,036 - Hi. - Hey. 253 00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:22,836 We could meet outside, you know. I mean, it's a bit poky in here. 254 00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:28,557 Yeah, but here we don't get seen... um, disturbed. It's more private. 255 00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:31,960 - Shall we kiss? - Yeah. 256 00:21:57,360 --> 00:22:00,432 Shall we try it with open mouths? 257 00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:03,916 And maybe we could use our tongues a bit? 258 00:22:04,040 --> 00:22:05,996 OK. 259 00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:25,559 Kim, any idea how these got into my office? 260 00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:28,353 - No, no idea. They weren't there earlier. - Hm. 261 00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:31,756 - There's labels on them. - ' One' and ' two' . 262 00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:35,509 Well, I suppose I'd better see what they are. 263 00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:43,638 - (Kim ) It's a tape recorder. - Yes. 264 00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:45,955 (Statham ) Hello, Joanna. It's me. 265 00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:48,469 Alan. Alan Statham. 266 00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:51,797 I know I may have been a little harsh with the things I said 267 00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:54,559 about yourself and Dr Secreta... 268 00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:06,952 I just wanted you to know that my true feelings are very different. 269 00:23:07,080 --> 00:23:12,029 I think if you open present number two you'll see what I mean. 270 00:23:17,840 --> 00:23:20,229 Go on, open it. 271 00:23:20,360 --> 00:23:21,429 Yes. 272 00:23:21,560 --> 00:23:25,189 Undo the shiny clasp. 273 00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:29,313 More shoddy presents. Kim, have you got any scissors or anything? 274 00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:32,876 - Yeah, that's-that's all right. It's... - That's it. 275 00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:35,150 Carefully lift the lid. 276 00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:38,950 Aargh! 277 00:23:39,080 --> 00:23:42,789 You weren't expecting that, were you? Thousands of flies. 278 00:23:42,920 --> 00:23:47,789 Dirty, dirty flies bursting from the box and buzzing around you, 279 00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:50,593 filling the room like a black, stinking cloud. 280 00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:53,518 And you know why they're attracted to you, do you? Mm? 281 00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:56,598 Because you're a piece of dead meat. 282 00:23:59,440 --> 00:24:01,476 Crawling all over you right now. 283 00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:03,591 Aargh! 284 00:24:03,720 --> 00:24:06,234 In your hair. Up your nostrils. 285 00:24:06,360 --> 00:24:08,715 Up your fetid fanny hole... 286 00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:15,520 I think this present needs returning, if you could pop down to Dr Statham's office 287 00:24:15,640 --> 00:24:17,631 and chuck it in through the door. 288 00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:19,591 Yeah, yeah, finger on top. 289 00:24:19,720 --> 00:24:23,156 Yeah, carefully. Carefully, carefully. 290 00:24:28,080 --> 00:24:30,036 (Karen grunts ) 291 00:24:35,080 --> 00:24:37,036 I've got to... 292 00:24:53,680 --> 00:24:55,159 Guy. 293 00:24:55,280 --> 00:24:58,716 Did you take a cat and a gun into Mac's ward? 294 00:24:58,840 --> 00:25:00,637 It was a replica. 295 00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:03,638 You brought in a replica cat? 296 00:25:03,760 --> 00:25:06,149 A replica gun. 297 00:25:06,280 --> 00:25:09,829 You are trying to get fully reinstated. How stupid can you be? 298 00:25:09,960 --> 00:25:14,431 Not stupid enough to ask whether someone might have had a replica cat. 299 00:25:14,560 --> 00:25:16,118 Ow! 300 00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:20,472 I hope you're pleased with yourself, because they have banned you from seeing Mac. 301 00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:22,909 - Bann-ed? They can't ban me. - They just have. 302 00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:27,113 You will not be allow-ed into the room. If you do, you'll be suspend-ed. 303 00:25:27,240 --> 00:25:30,198 - I'd like to see them try and stop me. - Don't push it, Guy. 304 00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:34,472 Oh, right. Yeah, like I'm gonna do what a girl says. 305 00:25:38,840 --> 00:25:40,717 Pick those up now. 306 00:25:40,840 --> 00:25:42,796 Yup. Sorry. 307 00:25:51,360 --> 00:25:53,316 Hm? (laughs ) 308 00:26:00,720 --> 00:26:03,154 Dr Macartney. 309 00:26:03,280 --> 00:26:05,236 How are you? 310 00:26:05,360 --> 00:26:07,510 Mm-hm. Mm. 311 00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:09,790 Not so clever now, are we? Hm? 312 00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:13,674 Where are your cryptic quips and snide asides now? 313 00:26:13,800 --> 00:26:15,791 Mm, mm-hm-hm. 314 00:26:15,920 --> 00:26:17,876 Hm? Hm. 315 00:26:20,600 --> 00:26:23,672 I feel like God. Yes, I do. 316 00:26:23,800 --> 00:26:27,634 And Godlike, I shall make you in mine image. 317 00:26:27,760 --> 00:26:33,949 In the beginning was the void, the rather bland and pasty visage, 318 00:26:34,080 --> 00:26:37,197 and Statham said, ' Let there be hair.' 319 00:26:37,320 --> 00:26:39,436 And... and lo, 320 00:26:39,560 --> 00:26:41,232 there was. 321 00:26:41,360 --> 00:26:43,316 Facial hair. 322 00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:53,276 - How about blonde? - Oh, no. 323 00:26:53,400 --> 00:26:56,073 No, it takes a certain sort of face to carry off blonde. 324 00:26:56,200 --> 00:26:59,431 - What? - You need a delicate facial structure. 325 00:26:59,560 --> 00:27:02,916 Blonde doesn't really go with thickset features. 326 00:27:03,040 --> 00:27:04,996 Oh. 327 00:27:05,840 --> 00:27:07,796 Uh, initials, please. 328 00:27:08,920 --> 00:27:11,388 There we are. TS for thickset. 329 00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:13,715 Ooh, nice fin. 330 00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:17,276 - Oh, thanks, yeah. Got it off eBay. - Nice. 331 00:27:31,480 --> 00:27:33,630 I don't think so. 332 00:27:39,800 --> 00:27:42,553 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 333 00:27:42,680 --> 00:27:44,193 Thanks. 334 00:27:44,320 --> 00:27:47,278 Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. 335 00:27:58,000 --> 00:28:00,719 And Statham looked upon it and saw that it was good. 336 00:28:00,840 --> 00:28:02,990 He also added... 337 00:28:03,120 --> 00:28:05,156 a rather... 338 00:28:05,280 --> 00:28:09,273 fashionable pair of spectacles. 339 00:28:09,400 --> 00:28:11,914 There. Yes. Very nice. 340 00:28:12,760 --> 00:28:14,830 Hm. Er... 341 00:28:14,960 --> 00:28:17,428 I think there's a bit of a double act here. 342 00:28:17,560 --> 00:28:20,916 This town ain't big enough for the both of us 343 00:28:21,040 --> 00:28:24,112 And it ain't me who's gonna leave 344 00:28:30,120 --> 00:28:34,716 This town ain't big enough for both of us 345 00:28:34,840 --> 00:28:36,398 Pardon? 346 00:28:36,520 --> 00:28:39,318 You challenge me, do you, to a rubber? Right. 347 00:28:39,440 --> 00:28:42,273 OK. There. 348 00:28:42,400 --> 00:28:44,470 The game of games. Well,... 349 00:28:44,600 --> 00:28:46,670 j'accepte. 350 00:28:46,800 --> 00:28:49,394 Right. Thank you. 351 00:28:49,520 --> 00:28:51,875 Hold it steady. No cheating. 352 00:28:53,280 --> 00:28:55,236 Right. Your serve. 353 00:29:01,280 --> 00:29:03,635 Oh, bad luck. One nil. 354 00:29:03,760 --> 00:29:05,910 Right. Here we go. 355 00:29:17,320 --> 00:29:19,515 Genetically, we are very, very similar. 356 00:29:19,640 --> 00:29:22,598 No, actually, because as you'll recall from the film Twins, 357 00:29:22,720 --> 00:29:25,518 starring Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger... 358 00:29:25,640 --> 00:29:28,279 I love that film. They're twins. One big, one small. 359 00:29:28,400 --> 00:29:31,676 Yeah, that's right. Well done. You got the general concept. 360 00:29:31,800 --> 00:29:35,713 It showed it's possible for one sibling to inherit superior genetic material 361 00:29:35,840 --> 00:29:39,150 and for the other to inherit what is basically DNA/ shit. 362 00:29:39,280 --> 00:29:41,475 - You've got curry. - You've got chimp's ears. 363 00:29:41,600 --> 00:29:44,160 - You don't like curry. - No, not usually, no. 364 00:29:44,280 --> 00:29:48,478 But it's Ramadan. 365 00:29:48,600 --> 00:29:50,477 Mm. A time for fasting. 366 00:29:50,600 --> 00:29:53,433 Oh, mm, yum, yum, yum. 367 00:29:53,560 --> 00:29:55,516 Smells so good. 368 00:29:55,640 --> 00:29:58,029 We're Hindu, you nipple. 369 00:29:58,160 --> 00:30:00,754 Yeah, well, kumbaya. 370 00:30:04,640 --> 00:30:05,914 Hector? 371 00:30:06,040 --> 00:30:08,349 Horace? Horatio? 372 00:30:08,480 --> 00:30:10,630 - Herbert? - Harold? 373 00:30:10,760 --> 00:30:13,069 Too old-fashioned. How about a biblical name? 374 00:30:13,200 --> 00:30:16,749 - Yeah. Herod. - No. Barabbas? 375 00:30:16,880 --> 00:30:18,836 Don't think so. 376 00:30:19,880 --> 00:30:21,677 Gabriel. 377 00:30:21,800 --> 00:30:24,360 - Yeah, I like Gabriel. - Oh, my God, do you know it's a boy? 378 00:30:24,480 --> 00:30:27,278 - It's unlucky. Don't name it yet. - This is for Karen. 379 00:30:27,400 --> 00:30:31,632 - Oh, my God. Karen's pregnant? - Am I? Oh, my God. 380 00:30:31,760 --> 00:30:35,469 Uh, no. Karen's picking a pet name for Martin's penis. 381 00:30:35,600 --> 00:30:37,750 And she likes Gabriel. 382 00:30:39,400 --> 00:30:40,833 What? 383 00:30:40,960 --> 00:30:43,315 It does look like a Gabriel. 384 00:30:44,920 --> 00:30:46,876 Oh! Dick. 385 00:30:53,320 --> 00:30:57,711 OK, Boycie, hello. Out of ten, how great is it to have me around? 386 00:30:57,840 --> 00:31:00,149 - I don't know. - Come on, come on, out of ten. 387 00:31:00,280 --> 00:31:01,918 - Eight? - Eight? 388 00:31:02,040 --> 00:31:03,598 - Nine? - Why not ten? 389 00:31:03,720 --> 00:31:05,153 - OK, ten. - You said nine. 390 00:31:05,280 --> 00:31:07,874 - I said eight originally. - That was just stupid, I was ignoring that. 391 00:31:08,000 --> 00:31:09,956 - What about you? - Ten, obviously. 392 00:31:10,080 --> 00:31:13,117 - Yeah. You see? Ten. - Yeah, but then we're related, so... 393 00:31:13,240 --> 00:31:16,198 - Fuck off, runt. - Right, that's nine. 394 00:31:16,320 --> 00:31:18,709 - Why? - Why? You were just mean to me. 395 00:31:18,840 --> 00:31:20,956 If that meanness continues, I'll take it even lower. 396 00:31:21,080 --> 00:31:24,197 That's so shallow. So you base your opinion on whether someone's nice to you? 397 00:31:24,320 --> 00:31:26,914 - You're saying I'm shallow? - Yeah, you're shallow. 398 00:31:27,040 --> 00:31:29,600 - You're like a dried-up puddle in the sun. - Eight. 399 00:31:29,720 --> 00:31:33,793 You should've started at 100, cos this is gonna be over in seconds. 400 00:31:36,520 --> 00:31:39,239 Oh, look, you're a Pastafarian. 401 00:31:39,360 --> 00:31:41,715 ' Later, young lion.' 402 00:31:43,560 --> 00:31:46,677 Yeah, and you can have that. I don't like curry. 403 00:31:46,800 --> 00:31:50,076 Cheers. You not gonna take that off your head? 404 00:31:50,200 --> 00:31:54,352 - Just trying to look like I'm not bothered. - Working. Definitely working. 405 00:31:54,480 --> 00:31:59,270 - (Martin ) Do you like Twins? - Shit, yeah. Emotional minefield, though. 406 00:31:59,400 --> 00:32:03,871 He thinks I'm talking about girls. I'm talking about the film. 407 00:32:08,000 --> 00:32:09,752 Oh, bad luck. 408 00:32:09,880 --> 00:32:14,317 Right, out. I've had enough of this nonsense with the Ping-Pong bats and the felt pens. 409 00:32:14,440 --> 00:32:18,228 - Have you drawn on him? - Ah, Dr Todd. There was a... under... 410 00:32:18,360 --> 00:32:23,309 No, he's gone. No, there he is! There's a small Ping-Pong man. I'll get him. Don't you worry. 411 00:32:23,440 --> 00:32:26,398 Come on, you, Ping-Pong. Come here. 412 00:32:46,680 --> 00:32:48,636 Is that confetti? 413 00:33:04,880 --> 00:33:08,475 Yeah, no one tells Guy Secretan where he can and can't go. 414 00:33:08,600 --> 00:33:09,874 OK. 415 00:33:10,000 --> 00:33:12,958 I think I'm going... 416 00:33:15,080 --> 00:33:18,390 to go to B7. Let's take a look, shall we? 417 00:33:18,520 --> 00:33:23,389 Oh, dear. You've already lost two battleships and now you've lost your aircraft carrier. 418 00:33:23,520 --> 00:33:27,559 Disaster. It's like Pearl Harbor all over again. 419 00:33:27,680 --> 00:33:30,148 Hello. 420 00:33:30,280 --> 00:33:34,990 - (high voice, guttural accent) Hello. - I'm Caroline, Mac's friend. 421 00:33:35,120 --> 00:33:37,270 Nice to meet you, dear. 422 00:33:42,000 --> 00:33:44,434 And you are...? 423 00:33:44,560 --> 00:33:46,710 Ah, I'd better go. 424 00:33:46,840 --> 00:33:48,671 Ah, goodbye, sweet boy. 425 00:33:48,800 --> 00:33:52,236 No, please don't go on my account. 426 00:33:52,360 --> 00:33:54,351 How long have you known Mac for? 427 00:33:54,480 --> 00:33:56,994 Oh, you know, so long. 428 00:33:57,120 --> 00:33:58,189 (laughs ) 429 00:33:58,320 --> 00:34:02,518 - Since he was a wee ginger nipper. - Oh, gosh. 430 00:34:02,640 --> 00:34:06,599 Aw, you're such a lovely girl. 431 00:34:06,720 --> 00:34:11,430 Oh, you know, you're so smooth... You're not that smooth, actually. 432 00:34:11,560 --> 00:34:15,348 You could... There are products you can get for that, you know. 433 00:34:15,480 --> 00:34:18,040 He's so lucky to have you. 434 00:34:19,080 --> 00:34:22,868 - I wish he would wake up. - Oh, darling. 435 00:34:23,000 --> 00:34:25,958 Ach! My darling sweet. 436 00:34:26,080 --> 00:34:27,957 My darling. 437 00:34:28,080 --> 00:34:30,435 Oh. Oh... 438 00:34:30,560 --> 00:34:34,189 - Ooh! Right, well, it's very nice to meet you. - Goodbye. 439 00:34:34,320 --> 00:34:36,276 - Bye. - Bye! 440 00:34:43,400 --> 00:34:45,960 She had nice eyes, your friend. 441 00:34:47,600 --> 00:34:50,160 Rather like Guy's. 442 00:35:04,040 --> 00:35:07,794 Perhaps you should listen to some more music. 443 00:35:13,040 --> 00:35:15,190 This is Caroline Todd. 444 00:35:15,880 --> 00:35:19,316 Traffic after the news, but first this. 445 00:35:20,360 --> 00:35:25,115 - And we'll be right back. 446 00:35:26,880 --> 00:35:29,633 I wish you'd come back, Mac. 447 00:35:29,760 --> 00:35:31,716 Please come back. 448 00:35:33,240 --> 00:35:34,639 Want you back 449 00:35:34,760 --> 00:35:36,830 Want you back for good 450 00:35:36,960 --> 00:35:39,793 Got a fist of pure emotion 451 00:35:39,920 --> 00:35:43,037 Got a head of shattered dreams 452 00:35:43,160 --> 00:35:44,559 Gotta leave it 453 00:35:44,680 --> 00:35:47,717 Gotta leave it all behind now 454 00:35:55,480 --> 00:35:57,436 (Statham shouting) 455 00:36:03,240 --> 00:36:04,992 Dr Statham? 456 00:36:05,120 --> 00:36:06,439 Eh? 457 00:36:06,560 --> 00:36:08,994 - Can I come in? - No! No, don't. 458 00:36:15,080 --> 00:36:16,877 (exhales ) 459 00:36:17,000 --> 00:36:19,434 So, what... what can I do for you? 460 00:36:19,560 --> 00:36:22,358 Um... you said it was OK... 461 00:36:22,480 --> 00:36:24,436 Flies! 462 00:36:26,440 --> 00:36:30,592 You said it was OK if I could come by and get that study pack? 463 00:36:30,720 --> 00:36:34,349 Yes, yes, oh, yes. But I'm not... I'm just a bit busy at the moment. 464 00:36:34,480 --> 00:36:39,235 Tomorrow would probably be more convenient on the whole. 465 00:36:41,520 --> 00:36:43,476 Yes? 466 00:36:45,200 --> 00:36:47,555 - Flies. - No, rubbish. No. 467 00:36:47,680 --> 00:36:53,630 Well, maybe one or two, but it's quite normal for the time of year. 468 00:36:53,760 --> 00:36:55,557 Your flies. 469 00:36:55,680 --> 00:37:01,630 Yes, yes, yes, they're undone. That's... that's quite normal for the time of year. 470 00:37:33,000 --> 00:37:36,037 These trousers are actually filled. 471 00:37:40,400 --> 00:37:42,789 - God, I miss Mac's crotch. - Look, er... 472 00:37:42,920 --> 00:37:46,708 I'm really sorry about you... you not being able to go in and see Mac. 473 00:37:46,840 --> 00:37:50,037 Oh. Well, that's... you know. It's been hard. It's been hard. 474 00:37:50,160 --> 00:37:52,515 But that's OK. I mean... 475 00:37:53,760 --> 00:37:56,991 You've gotta abide by the rules. Otherwise there'd be anarchy. 476 00:37:57,120 --> 00:37:59,793 - Might as well pack up and go home. - What are you doing? 477 00:37:59,920 --> 00:38:04,630 I'm packing up and going home. No, I'm not really. I'm going for a drink. 478 00:38:04,760 --> 00:38:07,320 I shall be back tomorrow to abide by the rules. 479 00:38:07,440 --> 00:38:09,715 Good for you. I'm impressed. 480 00:38:09,840 --> 00:38:14,391 Listen, Caroline, if a man doesn't have his integrity, 481 00:38:15,240 --> 00:38:17,674 what does he got? 482 00:38:17,800 --> 00:38:20,155 - Battleships. - What? 483 00:38:22,840 --> 00:38:25,070 That's not... That wasn't me. 484 00:38:25,200 --> 00:38:27,077 What wasn't you? 485 00:38:27,200 --> 00:38:30,192 - Oh, yeah. No, well... No, look... - Ah. Hm. What? 486 00:38:30,320 --> 00:38:32,072 That... that... that... 487 00:38:32,200 --> 00:38:36,318 Do you... do you mean that woman who... (impersonates self dressed as woman ) 488 00:38:36,440 --> 00:38:39,034 - Who's she? - She's the woman who... 489 00:38:39,160 --> 00:38:40,832 - You must know that woman. - Do I? 490 00:38:40,960 --> 00:38:44,589 She's... she's around. She's called... 491 00:38:44,720 --> 00:38:47,473 Hccaaa. 492 00:38:48,640 --> 00:38:51,677 Who's... Hcccaaa? 493 00:38:51,800 --> 00:38:54,155 - She works in the hcccanteen. - Ah, does she? 494 00:38:54,280 --> 00:38:57,955 - Yeah. She serves the hccchips. - Does she? The... the what? The... 495 00:38:58,080 --> 00:38:59,593 - The... the... - Hhhhips? 496 00:38:59,720 --> 00:39:01,278 - Fish and chips. - Bullshit. 497 00:39:07,200 --> 00:39:09,156 - I'll take over. - Where'd you come from? 498 00:39:09,280 --> 00:39:12,033 I said words with my mouth, you heard them with your ears, 499 00:39:12,160 --> 00:39:16,836 you understood them with your brain. Is that correct? Yes, well, you can go now. 500 00:39:16,960 --> 00:39:18,916 Shoo. 501 00:39:24,600 --> 00:39:26,431 Sleeping beauty. 502 00:39:26,560 --> 00:39:28,710 My flame-haired Adonis. 503 00:39:32,160 --> 00:39:34,594 Naked. 504 00:39:34,720 --> 00:39:37,314 - What exactly are you doing? - Test. Yes, uh-huh. 505 00:39:37,440 --> 00:39:40,477 And please don't interrupt me again. Thank you. 506 00:39:46,040 --> 00:39:47,393 Oh, come on. 507 00:39:47,520 --> 00:39:50,239 What sort of test? 508 00:39:50,360 --> 00:39:52,316 Secret test. 509 00:39:56,840 --> 00:39:58,910 That's it. That's lovely. 510 00:40:00,520 --> 00:40:02,670 That's it. Nearly there. 511 00:40:08,720 --> 00:40:10,517 (moans ) 512 00:40:10,640 --> 00:40:12,995 Excellent. There, now. 513 00:40:14,320 --> 00:40:18,393 Well, that wasn't too difficult, was it? Eh? 514 00:40:18,520 --> 00:40:20,476 Just... 515 00:40:21,680 --> 00:40:24,638 get all that goodness up, shall we? 516 00:40:25,680 --> 00:40:27,352 - Is he all right? - Yes. Fuck off. 517 00:40:27,480 --> 00:40:29,232 - What? - Er, sorry. 518 00:40:29,360 --> 00:40:32,079 If you could just pop yourself out, now, please. 519 00:40:32,200 --> 00:40:35,670 You're not actually qualified to do this sort of test. 520 00:40:41,800 --> 00:40:46,635 There we go. Now, that is a pot full of goodness. 521 00:40:46,760 --> 00:40:51,117 A tasty accompaniment to sausages and cold meats. 522 00:40:51,240 --> 00:40:53,196 I'll say. 523 00:41:04,720 --> 00:41:11,193 Can you believe there are people in this world who think that I am a dishonest, 524 00:41:11,320 --> 00:41:16,235 friendless, drunken cheat? 525 00:41:16,360 --> 00:41:19,272 - That's really sad. - Yeah. Well, it gets worse. 526 00:41:19,400 --> 00:41:21,391 - Does it? - Yeah. 527 00:41:21,520 --> 00:41:23,670 I fucked my mother. 528 00:41:24,840 --> 00:41:27,593 - Me too. - You fucked your mother? 529 00:41:28,560 --> 00:41:31,028 I fucked your mother. Joanna Clore, right? 530 00:41:31,160 --> 00:41:33,116 Yeah. 531 00:41:34,280 --> 00:41:37,795 - Fancy another? - Another pop on the old Clore... (laughs ) 532 00:41:37,920 --> 00:41:40,150 - Another drink. - Oh. Sorry. 533 00:41:40,280 --> 00:41:42,271 - Jesus. - Um, yeah, why not? 534 00:41:42,400 --> 00:41:46,029 Right. Can I have a...? 535 00:41:46,160 --> 00:41:49,914 Is there someone here who didn't fuck my mother who'd get us a drink? 536 00:41:55,000 --> 00:41:56,718 Dr Toad. 537 00:41:56,840 --> 00:41:58,831 D'you have any litmus paper at all? 538 00:41:58,960 --> 00:42:02,191 Not here, no. You could try the path lab. 539 00:42:04,560 --> 00:42:06,039 Great. 540 00:42:06,160 --> 00:42:10,995 Just need to check the pH balance of the old sideways smile. 541 00:42:13,080 --> 00:42:15,514 - Sideways smile? - You know, my woman glove. 542 00:42:15,640 --> 00:42:19,315 My... my skin mitten. My panty piggybank. 543 00:42:19,440 --> 00:42:22,477 It's prone to high levels of acidity. 544 00:42:24,400 --> 00:42:27,995 - Actually, I don't... - I have an acidic vagina. 545 00:42:28,120 --> 00:42:31,192 - Goodness. That's bad, is it? - If you want to conceive, it is. 546 00:42:31,320 --> 00:42:35,472 At the present time I believe my vagina is at least ten times too tart. 547 00:42:35,600 --> 00:42:38,797 - Wow. That's a tongue twister. - It'll make your eyes water too. 548 00:42:38,920 --> 00:42:41,434 But I'll soon have an alkali version up and ready. 549 00:42:41,560 --> 00:42:43,516 Well, good for you. 550 00:42:47,240 --> 00:42:49,231 - How about yours? - Never checked. 551 00:42:49,360 --> 00:42:55,117 Oh, well, I'll pop some litmus paper off on the way back, then, shall I? 552 00:43:03,400 --> 00:43:06,676 So I managed to swim out of the ambulance window, 553 00:43:06,800 --> 00:43:09,519 and, while I fended off the shark, 554 00:43:09,640 --> 00:43:11,949 - the other two were able to escape. - Right. 555 00:43:12,080 --> 00:43:17,473 But I was powerless to prevent one of them stupidly, stupidly knocking himself out 556 00:43:17,600 --> 00:43:19,477 on a World War II mine. 557 00:43:19,600 --> 00:43:21,272 - Right. - Yeah. 558 00:43:21,400 --> 00:43:24,312 And, er, so I thought, what do you do? 559 00:43:24,440 --> 00:43:27,591 What do you do in this situation? I mean, what would you do? 560 00:43:27,720 --> 00:43:30,632 Well, what I did was I took off my dressing gown 561 00:43:30,760 --> 00:43:35,959 and I wrapped it round my head like Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean. 562 00:43:37,760 --> 00:43:39,830 Hi. 563 00:43:39,960 --> 00:43:41,916 Me again. 564 00:43:46,160 --> 00:43:48,310 OK, now. 565 00:43:49,920 --> 00:43:53,117 ' Motorbike safety tips.' 566 00:43:53,240 --> 00:43:56,835 ' Always assume drivers can't see you.' 567 00:43:56,960 --> 00:44:00,953 ' Maintain safe spacing' and I'm in love with you. 568 00:44:01,080 --> 00:44:06,108 Right. ' Beware of oncoming right-turners' and you are the one. 569 00:44:06,240 --> 00:44:09,471 You're kind, you're funny, you do that amused smile, 570 00:44:09,600 --> 00:44:12,114 when you look at me it makes me go all... (shivers ) 571 00:44:12,240 --> 00:44:16,313 Please wake up. I want you to do some gardening in my parsley patch. 572 00:44:19,280 --> 00:44:21,635 I want you to make love to me. 573 00:44:31,400 --> 00:44:33,356 Oh, fuck. 574 00:44:35,040 --> 00:44:37,395 I think I've killed a doctor. 575 00:44:55,800 --> 00:44:58,360 - Is she dead? - No, Martin. 576 00:44:59,400 --> 00:45:01,675 Thank God for that. Has someone told Mac? 577 00:45:01,800 --> 00:45:04,758 I think you should. This could end up like Romeo and Juliet. 578 00:45:04,880 --> 00:45:07,838 You're not gonna top yourself, are you, Mac? 579 00:45:07,960 --> 00:45:11,669 I bet she's in a coma. It's like some kind of coma relay race. 580 00:45:11,800 --> 00:45:14,473 - Mac's just handed on the baton. - She's not in a coma. 581 00:45:14,600 --> 00:45:16,670 Calm down. She's gonna be fine. 582 00:45:16,800 --> 00:45:20,429 Well, I'm just... I'm stressing out. First Mac's OK, which is brilliant, 583 00:45:20,560 --> 00:45:24,314 but then I've gotta cope with this and I can't handle it. It's just too weird. 584 00:45:24,440 --> 00:45:29,719 - I need to lie down. - I think that's probably a good idea, Martin. 585 00:45:29,840 --> 00:45:31,990 - Not there! - Oh, sorry. 586 00:45:33,880 --> 00:45:37,077 Down in the meadow in a little baby pool 587 00:45:37,200 --> 00:45:40,795 Swam three little fishies and a mama fishy too 588 00:45:40,920 --> 00:45:44,196 ' Swim,' said the mama fishy, ' swim if you can' 589 00:45:44,320 --> 00:45:46,595 And they... 590 00:45:46,720 --> 00:45:50,269 Swam and they swam right into my dam 591 00:45:53,200 --> 00:45:55,668 (groans ) 592 00:45:55,800 --> 00:45:58,519 I know I keep saying this, but I'll never drink again. 593 00:45:58,640 --> 00:46:00,710 Caroline! Caroline, are you OK? 594 00:46:00,840 --> 00:46:03,559 I mean, you look great as usual, but how do you feel? 595 00:46:03,680 --> 00:46:07,355 - D'you want me to hold your hand? - Thank you, Martin, I'm OK. 596 00:46:07,480 --> 00:46:10,472 I think we could do with some quiet in here. Would you mind? 597 00:46:10,600 --> 00:46:12,750 Keep your voice down. 598 00:46:15,600 --> 00:46:20,435 Come on, Martin. Let's give them some peace. Be back later. 599 00:46:27,120 --> 00:46:30,476 Mine, mine, mine 600 00:46:31,760 --> 00:46:33,716 (sighs ) 601 00:46:36,320 --> 00:46:38,072 Come on, you! 602 00:46:38,200 --> 00:46:40,555 Come on! 603 00:46:43,200 --> 00:46:44,997 - I thought, what do I do? - Hm. 604 00:46:45,120 --> 00:46:49,079 - You know. I mean, what do I do? - Oh, are you asking me? 605 00:46:49,200 --> 00:46:51,634 - No. I'm about to tell you what I did. - Oh. OK. 606 00:46:51,760 --> 00:46:55,309 What I did was, I thought, you have to navigate by the stars. Did you know? 607 00:46:55,440 --> 00:46:58,989 If you're lost in the ocean. And I thought, I'll navigate by the stars. 608 00:46:59,120 --> 00:47:00,792 - Like Galileo, isn't it? - Yeah. 609 00:47:00,920 --> 00:47:03,798 When it gets dark, cos it was about three in the afternoon. 610 00:47:03,920 --> 00:47:06,673 So I waited, and I waited, 611 00:47:08,080 --> 00:47:12,517 and then it got dark, but there weren't any stars cos it was cloudy. 612 00:47:12,640 --> 00:47:15,757 - It's a shame, isn't it? - Oh, can you imagine how...? 613 00:47:15,880 --> 00:47:19,919 I think at that moment I knew how Ronnie Scott... 614 00:47:20,040 --> 00:47:21,314 Who is the bloke who went to the North Pole? 615 00:47:21,440 --> 00:47:22,190 Ronnie Scott. 616 00:47:42,440 --> 00:47:45,318 Er, Mac's woken up. He knocked out Caroline Todd. 617 00:47:45,440 --> 00:47:48,671 Oh, yes. Of course he did. And I've got a cold in my cock. 618 00:47:48,800 --> 00:47:51,234 No, he did. I've gotta tell Guy. Have you seen him? 619 00:47:51,360 --> 00:47:54,955 Mr Boyce, have we ever heard of the story of the little boy who cried wolf? 620 00:47:55,080 --> 00:47:58,117 - Why would I lie? - Long ago in Germany, 621 00:47:58,240 --> 00:48:01,073 many, many moons ago in a little village in the mountains 622 00:48:01,200 --> 00:48:03,236 lived a little, little boy, and he... 623 00:48:03,360 --> 00:48:05,715 - Fuck me! There is a wolf! - You bloody wolf! 624 00:48:05,840 --> 00:48:08,593 No. No, I-I knew she wasn't a wolf. 625 00:48:08,720 --> 00:48:12,190 I... No, see, I pretended that she-she wasn't a wolf, 626 00:48:12,320 --> 00:48:16,199 and therefore you are the fool, not... 627 00:48:16,320 --> 00:48:18,276 Ha, ha, ha! 628 00:48:27,920 --> 00:48:33,233 Um, and I... and I was picked up by a Portuguese fishing vessel. 629 00:48:33,360 --> 00:48:34,315 Wow. 630 00:48:34,440 --> 00:48:37,113 In a mackerel net. 631 00:48:37,240 --> 00:48:38,593 - Yeah. - What a shock. 632 00:48:38,720 --> 00:48:41,678 - I know. It was for me. Terrible. - No, for them. 633 00:48:41,800 --> 00:48:44,712 Well, yeah. Yeah. I hadn't thought of that. 634 00:48:44,840 --> 00:48:47,877 So, anyway, they... 635 00:48:48,000 --> 00:48:51,231 I was there for a day and we didn't get on and they threw me back in. 636 00:48:51,360 --> 00:48:54,989 But I was picked up by another boat and... 637 00:48:55,120 --> 00:48:57,076 they tried to rape me. 638 00:48:58,240 --> 00:48:59,195 - Really? - Yeah. 639 00:48:59,320 --> 00:49:02,392 Oh. I would have loved to have seen that. 640 00:49:02,520 --> 00:49:04,431 Well... 641 00:49:04,560 --> 00:49:07,870 - They didn't actually get to do it. - Yeah, they did. 642 00:49:08,000 --> 00:49:09,956 No, they... No, they didn't. 643 00:49:10,080 --> 00:49:13,072 - Yeah, right. - They did not. 644 00:49:13,200 --> 00:49:15,236 - They didn't. - All right. 645 00:49:20,880 --> 00:49:23,348 So, you're awake. 646 00:49:23,480 --> 00:49:25,436 Yeah. Yeah. 647 00:49:26,440 --> 00:49:31,275 Either that or this is the most extraordinarily ordinary dream ever. 648 00:49:31,400 --> 00:49:34,312 Well, that was a good 40 winks you've had. 649 00:49:34,440 --> 00:49:38,035 The things some people will do to get out of a couple of shifts. 650 00:49:38,160 --> 00:49:40,310 I-I guess. 651 00:49:40,440 --> 00:49:42,795 How are you feeling? 652 00:49:42,920 --> 00:49:45,514 Um... tired. 653 00:49:45,640 --> 00:49:48,916 - That's perfectly normal. You're a doctor. - Mm-hm. 654 00:49:49,040 --> 00:49:51,076 You've been in a coma 655 00:49:51,200 --> 00:49:53,350 for quite some time. 656 00:49:54,480 --> 00:49:56,914 - Have they invented the hover car yet? - No. 657 00:49:57,040 --> 00:49:59,429 Damn. 658 00:49:59,560 --> 00:50:01,915 (laughs ) 659 00:50:02,040 --> 00:50:04,156 Oh, great. 660 00:50:05,160 --> 00:50:08,709 - I shot him in the arse with a harpoon. - (Boyce) Guy! 661 00:50:10,440 --> 00:50:12,590 Mac's out of his coma. 662 00:50:14,200 --> 00:50:19,479 - Everything I've just said is off the record. - Oh, the stupid one's awake. 663 00:50:19,600 --> 00:50:21,397 - Who are you? - Oh, just a man. 664 00:50:21,520 --> 00:50:24,751 He's my best friend and I love him. 665 00:50:24,880 --> 00:50:26,836 Oh, I see. 666 00:50:28,640 --> 00:50:30,153 - Seriously though, mate... - What? 667 00:50:30,280 --> 00:50:32,874 Out of his coma. He's awake. He's bloody awake. 668 00:50:33,000 --> 00:50:34,513 Big deal. Let's give him more attention. 669 00:50:34,640 --> 00:50:37,154 He hasn't had enough attention so far, he's been asleep for eight weeks. 670 00:50:37,280 --> 00:50:40,352 We've all been in there. ' Please wake up.' Would he wake up? No. 671 00:50:40,480 --> 00:50:44,359 So, now he's decided, what is he? The ginger Jesus? I mean, frankly I... 672 00:50:44,480 --> 00:50:45,993 Shh. 673 00:50:46,120 --> 00:50:48,680 Stop with your anger. 674 00:50:48,800 --> 00:50:50,438 Guy. 675 00:50:50,680 --> 00:50:52,318 Guy. 676 00:50:52,440 --> 00:50:55,193 - Mac's awake. - Oh, well, that's great. 677 00:50:55,320 --> 00:50:58,232 - He's out of his coma, Guy. - That's... No, that is great. 678 00:50:58,360 --> 00:51:03,195 No, that's great. That's great, because if he's awake then I haven't killed him. 679 00:51:03,320 --> 00:51:05,629 - I haven't murdered anyone. - Yet. 680 00:51:05,760 --> 00:51:09,719 Can we get some drinks around here cos I haven't murdered anyone? 681 00:51:10,440 --> 00:51:13,477 I feel very strange. 682 00:51:13,600 --> 00:51:15,670 Are you... are you Caroline Todd? 683 00:51:15,800 --> 00:51:19,031 - No, I'm Mabel MacWhirter, hospital visitor. - Are you? 684 00:51:19,160 --> 00:51:22,994 Yeah, very good. Shame to see you haven't lost your sense of humour. 685 00:51:23,120 --> 00:51:25,759 I wonder where my girlfriend is? 686 00:51:26,600 --> 00:51:29,273 Hello! 687 00:51:29,400 --> 00:51:31,868 Her surname's not... 688 00:51:32,000 --> 00:51:33,956 Holly, no... 689 00:51:34,960 --> 00:51:38,475 - Emmy. Do you know where Emmy is? - Stop it. 690 00:51:38,600 --> 00:51:41,273 Mabel, could you ask some of the nursing staff to track down Emmy? 691 00:51:41,400 --> 00:51:44,278 - She works in physiotherapy. - Fuck you, Mac. 692 00:51:44,400 --> 00:51:47,836 You're... you're quite rude, aren't you, for a hospital visitor? 693 00:51:47,960 --> 00:51:52,272 And you do look the spitting image of Caroline Todd. She's the new girl. 694 00:51:52,400 --> 00:51:54,356 Oh, my God. 695 00:51:54,480 --> 00:51:55,469 Yeah. 696 00:51:55,600 --> 00:51:58,831 - She's rude as well sometimes. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 697 00:51:58,960 --> 00:52:01,997 - And she's got the same messy hair. - No, no, this isn't fair! 698 00:52:02,120 --> 00:52:04,793 - You are Caroline. - Yes, yes, I am bloody Caroline! 699 00:52:12,720 --> 00:52:16,554 (squeaky voice) ' Pregnancy can produce a number of conflicting emotions, 700 00:52:16,680 --> 00:52:19,717 ranging from feelings of pure joy...' 701 00:52:37,800 --> 00:52:40,633 ' ..to bouts of black depression.' 702 00:52:42,400 --> 00:52:45,995 Mac! What happened on the day of the accident? 703 00:52:46,120 --> 00:52:48,190 What accident? 704 00:52:48,320 --> 00:52:50,276 (groans ) 705 00:52:52,920 --> 00:52:56,196 Bollocking shitbags! 706 00:52:56,320 --> 00:52:58,276 (howls ) 707 00:53:00,280 --> 00:53:02,236 (sobs ) 708 00:53:05,560 --> 00:53:08,916 Can we get some unhomicidal drinks? 709 00:53:15,120 --> 00:53:17,076 (sobs ) 710 00:53:20,160 --> 00:53:22,310 Oh, dear. Oh, dear me. 711 00:53:22,440 --> 00:53:26,638 I see you're in on Mr Boyce's little scheme as well, hm? 712 00:53:26,760 --> 00:53:28,478 - How's the head? - Ow! 713 00:53:28,600 --> 00:53:30,352 - Oh, very good. Very good. - Ow. 714 00:53:30,480 --> 00:53:34,393 I'm not as green as people who were born yesterday. 715 00:53:35,520 --> 00:53:37,795 Sex for everybody! 716 00:53:38,920 --> 00:53:40,876 Ow! 717 00:53:52,000 --> 00:53:53,353 (clears throat) 718 00:53:53,480 --> 00:53:55,436 ' You may feel faint.' 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net