1 00:00:03,280 --> 00:00:05,714 Wake up or the kitty gets it. 2 00:00:05,840 --> 00:00:08,912 - So, how far have you got? - Oh, I'm just getting to the good bit. 3 00:00:09,040 --> 00:00:10,598 Oh, you mean the bit where he sleeps with his... 4 00:00:10,720 --> 00:00:12,199 Yes, thank you. 5 00:00:12,320 --> 00:00:15,517 Don't get all motherly-doverly with me. I'm not the sentimental type. 6 00:00:15,640 --> 00:00:21,272 I'm allowed to observe and take part, as long as I'm signed in and out. Them's the rules. 7 00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:25,075 Three little fishies and a mama fishy too 8 00:00:29,440 --> 00:00:31,317 You've been in a coma. 9 00:00:31,440 --> 00:00:36,355 - What happened on the day of the accident? - What accident? 10 00:00:36,480 --> 00:00:39,836 Bollocking shitbags! 11 00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:52,878 Ah, no, thank you. Thank you for a super bit of... Oh, my goodness, this is terrible. 12 00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:56,197 I'm so sorry that it was you, of all people, should have caught me. 13 00:00:56,320 --> 00:01:00,518 I've just been in the bush there, having... having sex with an attractive young lady. 14 00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:04,872 - I hope you're not upset or jealous at all. - No, not jealous. 15 00:01:06,080 --> 00:01:08,594 He's not right outside cos if he was, I'd see him, 16 00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:10,597 because I actually am right outside. All right? 17 00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:13,029 Just tell the truth, you knob! 18 00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:16,675 Have you actually sent a taxi for me or not? 19 00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:18,756 Rather in demand these days, you know. 20 00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:21,952 Rather chuffed also. She said some of the best sex she's ever had. 21 00:01:22,080 --> 00:01:26,358 Really? I don't believe that. Unless she's a virgin and had nothing to compare it with. 22 00:01:26,480 --> 00:01:31,031 - Even then she'd be disappointed. - Well... well, she is... was a virgin. So... 23 00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:36,029 All right, Pinocchio, how long would it take to get a taxi here in reality, without lying? 24 00:01:36,160 --> 00:01:38,230 I see. 25 00:01:38,360 --> 00:01:40,271 Dick splash! 26 00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:42,038 I'd like to stay and meet your new friend. 27 00:01:42,160 --> 00:01:46,199 I don't think that's appropriate. Wait, wait, I'll just... 28 00:01:47,760 --> 00:01:49,990 Yes. Um... 29 00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:51,951 She's resting. 30 00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:56,517 - No... I remember you. Don't you... - Your boyfriend's touching my breasts. 31 00:01:56,640 --> 00:01:59,712 - I'm protecting you, my bushy darling. - He's being unfaithful. 32 00:01:59,840 --> 00:02:01,637 No! Um... 33 00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:04,513 You sad, bandy-legged mule. 34 00:02:07,600 --> 00:02:12,993 Yes, well, I think there's a green-eyed monster lurking in your bony pants. 35 00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:15,793 Green-eyed panty monster! 36 00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:29,274 - Hi, Mac. - Sue White. 37 00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:48,949 Shoot, Mac, you know how to get a girl all hot under the collar. 38 00:02:49,080 --> 00:02:53,517 - Good to have you back, Mac. - Yeah, thanks. Thanks, Sue. 39 00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:57,797 I am awake. I am definitely awake. 40 00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:27,950 Oi! Yeah, everyone knows buses are just mobile asylums! 41 00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:32,198 Yeah, that's right. Run away! 42 00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:43,833 - Hey, Mac. - Hey. 43 00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:46,235 How are the misty watercolour memories? 44 00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:49,989 Uh, yeah, one or two glitches, but... Who are you? 45 00:03:50,120 --> 00:03:53,556 - You back on full duty? - I should be back in theatre this afternoon. 46 00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:57,593 I get the official all clear this morning, if I remember rightly. And... 47 00:03:57,720 --> 00:03:59,995 I only get the all clear if I remember rightly. 48 00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:02,076 (laughs ) 49 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:07,396 At least I'm out of my pyjamas cos that wasn't doing the image any good. 50 00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:08,873 (laughs ) 51 00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:13,312 I don't know. At least you were always ready for bed. No, if you were tired, I mean. 52 00:04:13,440 --> 00:04:15,829 - God, what a twat! - You're calling me a twat? 53 00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:18,520 Yeah. No, that's... that's me. I'm the twat. 54 00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:23,634 I just meant it was nice to see your clothes... day clothes, proper clothes, fully dressed. 55 00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:26,354 Really nice to see your clothes as well, Dr Todd. 56 00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:30,075 Caro... Caroline, Car... You... you always call me Caroline. 57 00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:31,713 - Do I? - Yes. 58 00:04:31,840 --> 00:04:33,796 Mac, we're ready to go through these now. 59 00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:37,913 Excuse me. Just gonna fiddle with a couple of screws to make me run better. Geoffrey. 60 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:41,476 So no recollection of anything in the 24 hours prior to the accident 61 00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:45,354 and patchy - I would say, 20 to 80% - during the previous eight weeks, 62 00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:48,711 but, as we've already said, that shouldn't affect your ability to work. 63 00:04:48,840 --> 00:04:51,035 I have to work. Damn. 64 00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:55,870 - Why me? - You're still the same person. 65 00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:58,434 It's like being trapped in a parallel universe. 66 00:04:58,560 --> 00:05:02,155 - Just tell him what happened. - He might not believe me. I've no witnesses. 67 00:05:02,280 --> 00:05:05,397 Well, look, he knows his mind's gone a bit... So just tell him. 68 00:05:05,520 --> 00:05:09,115 Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. ' Hi, Mac, I'm... you know, I'm Caroline.' 69 00:05:09,240 --> 00:05:13,438 ' You know, the one who you found irritating at first, but then you really, really liked me.' 70 00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:15,630 ' And now we're kind of a couple.' 71 00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:18,638 ' So there we go, I've filled in the gaps. Let's go to bed.' 72 00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:22,639 - Well, maybe not in so many words. - Less words? 73 00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:25,513 More words. You know, perhaps you could soften the blow. 74 00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:29,235 - Soften the blow? - No, not... not blow exactly. Not blow at all. 75 00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:31,555 The tragic bombshell that he goes out with me? 76 00:05:31,680 --> 00:05:32,669 Didn't say that. 77 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:34,711 - You said blow. - Figuratively. 78 00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:37,070 I didn't think you meant knock him over the head. 79 00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:41,352 Now, that's not a bad idea. Might make the awful truth come flooding back. 80 00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:44,631 The awful truth? That's not ambiguous at all. You said awful truth. 81 00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:48,548 I did, I did. I said awful truth. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. 82 00:05:48,680 --> 00:05:51,877 I don't really know what I meant by that. 83 00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:13,231 Useless circular bastards. 84 00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:35,754 - Are you asleep? - No. 85 00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:37,950 You were. You were asleep while you were kissing me. 86 00:06:38,080 --> 00:06:40,196 I wasn't. 87 00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:43,790 Yeah, I was, but that's because we've been kissing for ages and... 88 00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:46,354 I'm exhausted by all the sex we did last night. 89 00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:51,793 Oh, my God. You fell asleep while we were doing passion. 90 00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:54,480 - I don't believe it. - Ow! 91 00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:59,669 Look... Listen, I was just napping. I don't see what the big deal is. 92 00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:05,909 I always do that when we're kissing. It's never bothered you before. 93 00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:11,350 Kim, have you got a fag? 94 00:07:14,880 --> 00:07:16,836 Any... anyone got a fag? 95 00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:23,591 Tight bitches. Where have you been, stationery boy? 96 00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:25,676 Fag break. 97 00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:37,033 Low tar? What are you, a girl? 98 00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:51,678 ' I put it to you that... that I'm the victim in this case.' 99 00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:55,190 ' I put it to you... I put it to you that fate... fate...' 100 00:07:55,320 --> 00:07:57,880 Oh, God. Calm down. You didn't know she was your mum. 101 00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:01,310 You didn't mean to have sex with her. It's not your fault. Act normal. 102 00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:04,876 - Dr Secretan, good morning. - Good mummy. 103 00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:09,040 Jesus! Oh, God! 104 00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:13,876 Morning. 105 00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:24,153 Once again, that looks fine. We have to keep an eye on these things, but I'm very happy. 106 00:08:24,280 --> 00:08:27,352 Oh. Oh, oh. 107 00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:30,153 - Oh. Oh, my God. It's true. - What? 108 00:08:30,280 --> 00:08:32,635 What they're saying about Mac being a vegetable. 109 00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:34,557 - No. - Oh, for fuck's sake. 110 00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:36,796 Not even a little bit of brain damage? 111 00:08:36,920 --> 00:08:41,277 There's some memory loss, covering a few weeks prior to the incident. 112 00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:43,072 - Accident. - Incident. 113 00:08:43,320 --> 00:08:45,276 - Accident. - Incident. 114 00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:52,071 Accident. So you won't remember that you owe me GBP500 115 00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:57,149 and you lost your bike to me in a poker game and you promised to get your anus sewn up? 116 00:08:57,280 --> 00:09:00,556 No, no, no, no. But I do remember 117 00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:03,274 - that you're a perm-headed wanker. - Ginger freak. 118 00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:05,516 - Yeah, spoon face. - Thimble cock. 119 00:09:05,640 --> 00:09:07,790 - Doughnut dick. - Doughnut dick? 120 00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:11,315 - I'll just leave you two to your... - Don't go. 121 00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:14,273 I just came to have a look at cabbage-soup brain. 122 00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:16,356 Incident. 123 00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:23,792 - Isn't it the internal inquiry today? - Yeah. 124 00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:27,071 You should have made a bit of an effort with your appearance. 125 00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:31,079 You can't stop touching me, can you? Did you dream of me when you were in a coma? 126 00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:32,918 - In a Swiss chalet? - Every night. 127 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:37,795 Me massaging melted Swiss chocolate into your freckly buttocks? 128 00:09:55,920 --> 00:09:58,753 You're all a bunch of fatties. 129 00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:02,951 You can't have that. You're far too fat. 130 00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:13,076 Come on. Answer. Answer. 131 00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:16,992 - Hello, Joanna Clore. - Oh. 132 00:10:17,120 --> 00:10:18,633 Oh. 133 00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:20,716 Oh, dirty, dirty. 134 00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:25,868 - Is that you, Alan? - Oh! Super! This is the best I've ever had. 135 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:29,993 - Alan, is that you? - Yeah, touch me there. Touch me. 136 00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:32,076 (makes erotic noises ) 137 00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:38,639 (fakes orgasm ) 138 00:10:45,280 --> 00:10:48,192 - Hello. - Sorry, to whom am I speaking? 139 00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:50,550 - It's Joanna Clore. - Oh, how awful. 140 00:10:50,680 --> 00:10:53,717 You must have just heard me having... having full sex. 141 00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:59,153 - You weren't, Alan. You were pretending. - I was having full sex. I was having sex... 142 00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:01,794 With... uh... Dr Todd. 143 00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:04,036 When you accidentally dialled my number? 144 00:11:04,160 --> 00:11:08,199 Yes. As I was thrusting, I dare say my naked bottom pressed against the speed dial. 145 00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:12,677 I'm so very sorry that you... you were party 146 00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:17,316 - to my enormous orgasm just then. - Don't apologise to me. 147 00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:21,319 Although, since you're on loudspeaker, you might want to apologise to Charles... 148 00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:23,635 - Hello, Alan. - Hello, Charles. 149 00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:25,716 - ..Simon... - Alan. 150 00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:28,070 ..and Dr Todd. 151 00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:30,760 Dr Statham. 152 00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:34,512 (sheepishly ) Hello. 153 00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:37,108 We were just preparing for an internal tribunal. 154 00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:40,710 That's good because... I'm glad you're all there because... 155 00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:45,277 What I'm doing here is highlighting the whole, uh... business of conference calling 156 00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:48,995 and the risks inherent in the security lapses that are clearly going on. 157 00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:51,076 Goodbye. 158 00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:18,110 I admit, to an outsider, it probably doesn't look great. 159 00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:22,028 - How do you think it looks to an insider? - Probably not great. 160 00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:24,674 One of our anaesthetists steals an ambulance 161 00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:29,191 containing one of our top surgeons and a junior doctor and drives it over a cliff. 162 00:12:29,320 --> 00:12:32,551 - Top surgeon? What about top anaesthetist? - What about top arsehole? 163 00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:35,672 What about Topshop? What about Top Gun? What about Top Cat? 164 00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:38,155 Susan. Shh! 165 00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:43,355 I was mentally distressed. I'd suffered something of a shock. 166 00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:45,516 Can we not go into details? 167 00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:48,029 I think we're all aware of the circumstances. 168 00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:54,071 Joanna Clore's office. Yeah, putting you through. 169 00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:57,192 Hello, Human Resources. Yes, I'll just put you through. 170 00:12:57,320 --> 00:13:00,312 - On a brighter note... - You are dead after all? 171 00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:02,874 No. On a brighter note, it looks like I shall be getting back 172 00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:05,514 my Noel Coward style dressing gown. 173 00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:09,678 Which I wore... 174 00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:14,351 Yes, well, I'm sure we're all very relieved. Isn't there something else you'd like to say? 175 00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:16,391 Uh, I don't think so. 176 00:13:16,520 --> 00:13:18,556 - What's the magic word? - Abracadabra? 177 00:13:19,680 --> 00:13:22,911 Can you hold? I'll just put you through. 178 00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:27,079 Hello. Certainly, I'll just pop you through. 179 00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:31,955 - You're just cutting them off, aren't you? - Yep. Hello, Joanna Clore's office. 180 00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:34,469 How would you normally express your gratitude? 181 00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:36,989 - You want a tip? Is that ethical? - Verbally. 182 00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:39,680 Oh. Yeah, well. Hmm. 183 00:13:43,560 --> 00:13:45,198 - Thank you. - For? 184 00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:51,793 For having me and also for smoothing things over with the GMC. 185 00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:54,275 Thank you for letting me go back to work. 186 00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:58,154 And thank you for da music. 187 00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:01,276 The songs I'm singing. 188 00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:04,756 Thanks for all de joy they're bringin'. 189 00:14:17,560 --> 00:14:20,199 - Well? When will he remember? - When will who remember? 190 00:14:20,320 --> 00:14:22,038 - He... remember me? - He being? 191 00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:24,071 - Mac. - And me being? 192 00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:27,636 Well, me, obviously. Tell me what's happening. 193 00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:31,719 He has partial trauma-induced memory loss. It's very common. It's not my fault. 194 00:14:31,840 --> 00:14:35,753 Although I'm glad you've stopped shaking me, I'd prefer it if you let go of my lapels. 195 00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:40,192 But I need to know. He needs to remember that I... that we... that... 196 00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:43,118 That for 20 minutes we were in love. 197 00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:45,754 Wow. Serious, then? A whole 20 minutes? 198 00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:50,829 - Watch it, you. We had build-up too. - Ooh! Build-up! Well done. 199 00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:53,110 Now, if you don't mind. 200 00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:55,231 - What? - I'd like to pee. 201 00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:58,318 - Oh, yes, yes. Carry on. - Thank you. 202 00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:11,950 Not surprised he wants to forget you. 203 00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:14,036 Nightmare. 204 00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:23,509 Yes, there's a certain amount of intercostal wear and tear further down, 205 00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:26,393 which could indicate a number of problems, to wit... 206 00:15:26,520 --> 00:15:28,476 To-whoo! 207 00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:36,312 To wit to-whoo, surely. Sorry. Was that not what you were going to say? 208 00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:39,671 - Am I an owl, Mr Boyce? Hm? Am I? - Well, you are very wise. 209 00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:42,234 Well, well... Well, then. Yes, yes, I am. 210 00:15:42,360 --> 00:15:44,476 - And a little feathery. - I am not feathery. 211 00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:48,229 I think you are. Slightly feathery to the touch. It's a subjective thing. 212 00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:51,397 - I am objectively, empirically non-feathery. - I disagree. 213 00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:54,796 - You can't disagree if you've never felt me. - Oh, yes, I have. 214 00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:59,436 I... You... No, well, I'm finished. Goodbye. Everybody leave. 215 00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:02,677 - What about the intercostal wear and tear? - You'll never know, will you, Mr Boyce? 216 00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:05,189 Oh, I'm sorry. Have I ruffled your feathers? 217 00:16:05,320 --> 00:16:07,754 - I'm not feathery! Me, no... - Clearly in denial. 218 00:16:07,880 --> 00:16:11,236 - And you, Mr Boyce, are an insufferable twit. - To-whoo. 219 00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:13,635 Stop. Stop it. 220 00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:17,309 Go on, everybody leave. What are you still doing here? Go on. Do it! 221 00:16:17,440 --> 00:16:19,635 - To-whoo. - Stop it! 222 00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:25,710 Right, I'll shut my eyes and if you're still here when I've opened them, then... oh... 223 00:16:30,360 --> 00:16:32,316 Oi! 224 00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:40,915 - Yeah, baby. Give me five. - Why? 225 00:16:41,040 --> 00:16:44,430 I have just got the all clear. Permission to carve has been granted. 226 00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:46,915 I got the all clear, so you should give me five. 227 00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:48,917 OK, well, let's give each other five. 228 00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:51,952 No, you should give me six cos my struggle has been greater. 229 00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:55,834 - I should give you six? Give me seven. - I'm not giving you seven. Why seven? 230 00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:58,520 - I was out through no fault of my own. - Don't start that again. 231 00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:01,200 I think we should, since numbers of fingers are at stake. 232 00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:02,753 Give me fucking eight! 233 00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:05,440 I've been through personal hell and this is all the sympathy I get? 234 00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:07,676 Give me nine. What about my personal hell? 235 00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:09,756 You slept through it. What sort of hell is that? 236 00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:11,950 Give me ten or I'll put you in a fucking coma. 237 00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:15,277 How are you going to do that? Talk to me? 238 00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:18,073 All right, then, Rip Van Winkle. 239 00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:20,156 Let's call it quits. 240 00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:26,156 See, you thought I gave you ten, but actually, I took two away, so I only gave you eight. 241 00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:28,350 - I win! - Great to have you back. 242 00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:32,189 You know what? It's great for you to have me back. 243 00:17:32,320 --> 00:17:34,709 - No, it's great to have you back. - Thanks. 244 00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:36,751 On my team. 245 00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:39,309 On my team. 246 00:17:39,440 --> 00:17:42,113 Right. These are for you. 247 00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:45,116 These are for you. 248 00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:49,636 And these are for you, dumpy. 249 00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:52,320 Right. All this lot needs transferring onto your database, 250 00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:55,477 so I want you to make a new file up here. 251 00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:58,034 These need to be transferred over here. 252 00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:04,349 These need to be transferred down there and these... well, you shouldn't have these at all. 253 00:18:04,480 --> 00:18:08,996 What are these doing on it? Look, you're going to have to take all this and put it back here, 254 00:18:09,120 --> 00:18:11,270 and create a new f... 255 00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:18,517 Did you just push a banana down my top? 256 00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:20,153 Yes. 257 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:22,956 Take it out, please. 258 00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:29,200 I'm going back to my office now. 259 00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:58,276 Confiscatio. 260 00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:04,836 - Right, I need a word. - Oh, my God. Um... 261 00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:07,997 Oh, goodness. Jeez, oh. You caught me with my net on. 262 00:19:08,120 --> 00:19:11,635 - Yeah. - I'll... Hang on. Just... There you go. 263 00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:17,834 Oh. Now, Dr Macartney, I hear you're going to be wielding that knife again this afternoon. 264 00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:22,158 That's great news. We would have struggled on a single income. 265 00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:24,794 - Miss White, I wonder... - It's ' Mrs' now, actually. 266 00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:26,990 Oh. You got married while I was out of it? 267 00:19:27,120 --> 00:19:29,759 Yeah, we... I did. 268 00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:33,190 - Good. Congratulations. I wonder... - And congratulations to you. 269 00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:37,438 - For? - Well, for... for coming out of your coma. 270 00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:40,279 Yeah, I did. Which has caused a bit of a problem, so... 271 00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:42,834 Do you think you could just shut up and listen to me for a couple of seconds? 272 00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:46,270 Yes, I do. I... I do. 273 00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:48,516 - I do. - (wedding music plays ) 274 00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:51,871 - What for you can I do? - What is that? Is that music? 275 00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:53,479 - No. - (music stops ) 276 00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:59,317 Oh, yes. I'm a free man. I won. 277 00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:01,510 Out of my way, Jizebel. 278 00:20:03,520 --> 00:20:05,829 Come on, Karen, let's eat outside. 279 00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:09,394 Oh, my legs have gone to sleep. 280 00:20:12,600 --> 00:20:15,194 Yeah, I walked all over them. They begged for my forgiveness. 281 00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:17,470 No. You got your driving licence back? 282 00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:20,797 That's right, Fartin. They overturned the court's decision. 283 00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:25,038 And they made fox-hunting compulsory for the under-fives and they banned water. 284 00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:26,912 Water? No, not drinking water? 285 00:20:27,040 --> 00:20:30,430 Drinking water, Rain Man, yes, yes. And dribble. 286 00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:33,313 - Have you ever heard of a Verity Lesbirel? - No. 287 00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:37,638 Don't rush. Take your time. Give you a clue - she's the head of personnel at Sheffield. 288 00:20:37,760 --> 00:20:40,911 Lesbirel, Lesbirel. Stupid name. I would have remembered. 289 00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:45,079 Only I've been talking to her on the phone and she was very surprised to hear from me. 290 00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:47,953 Very, very. Very, very, very, very, very surprised. 291 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:52,710 Do you know why? No? Because, apparently, someone had told her that I was dead. 292 00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:55,877 - No. - Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. 293 00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:58,992 Guess what? They've given my job at Sheffield to somebody else. 294 00:20:59,120 --> 00:21:01,270 - Well, never mind. - No, but I do mind. 295 00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:05,598 - Did you just say ' I do' ? - I did. I do. I did. 296 00:21:05,720 --> 00:21:09,474 I want to know who took the time and trouble to tell Mrs Lesbirel that I was deceased. 297 00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:11,716 Who knows? It's a complete mystery. 298 00:21:11,840 --> 00:21:14,149 No, not a complete mystery. Couple of clues. 299 00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:17,955 The woman who called was indeed a woman and she was also Scottish. 300 00:21:18,080 --> 00:21:21,231 Oh, no, well, it must be me. That's what you're thinking, isn't it? 301 00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:24,591 I'm the only Scottish woman in all creation, then it has to be me. 302 00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:27,712 That's it. It's a fair cop, guv. I'm bang to rights. Arrest me. 303 00:21:27,840 --> 00:21:30,400 - Just... - ( wedding music) 304 00:21:32,840 --> 00:21:36,515 Just be very careful in future 305 00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:39,393 if you want to be taken seriously. 306 00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:43,752 Oh, I'd rather just be taken. 307 00:21:43,880 --> 00:21:45,916 Who's for a celebratory game of Guyball? 308 00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:49,157 Yeah. I gotta go. Got to stock up on water. Good to have you back, mate. 309 00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:51,635 Cheers... mate. 310 00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:53,716 Yep. 311 00:21:55,560 --> 00:21:59,792 - She's a bit horrible, you do know that? - What, Boyce? 312 00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:04,994 No, your bird. Miss Curly Wurly, I'm no Liz Hurley. Little Miss Rickets. 313 00:22:05,120 --> 00:22:08,874 - Well, I like her and that's all that matters. - Well, each to their own. 314 00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:12,151 Does she let you use her badge for parking? 315 00:22:12,280 --> 00:22:15,113 Well, she's not disabled. She's not. 316 00:22:15,240 --> 00:22:18,277 Yeah, right. What's she like in bed? All timid and tense? 317 00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:21,392 - Does she keep her cardie on? Am I warm? - You are freezing. 318 00:22:21,520 --> 00:22:23,670 She's mad for it. She's like a wild animal. 319 00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:25,438 - What, like a zebra? - No, wilder. 320 00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:27,312 - A warthog? - Wild. 321 00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:29,715 - Fish? - Exactly. Yeah, she's... 322 00:22:29,840 --> 00:22:31,876 - I feel like I'm eroding. - You're a rodent? 323 00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:37,677 Yeah. No, I feel like I'm eroding, like... I feel like I'm fraying at the edges anyway. 324 00:22:37,800 --> 00:22:39,597 - Bullshit. - Seriously. 325 00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:43,030 You're making it up as you go. You haven't got your winky wet once. 326 00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:45,833 Listen, I can't get a moment's peace with that girl. 327 00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:49,350 She likes it up her even when she's got the decorators in. 328 00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:51,232 - Decorators? - Yeah. 329 00:22:51,360 --> 00:22:53,430 You mean when she's got the painters in? 330 00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:57,553 Exactly. When she's got the painters and decorators in and the carpenters. 331 00:22:57,680 --> 00:22:59,272 No, it's just painters. 332 00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:01,675 When she's got them in, she likes it up her. 333 00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:04,633 You're not a real man until you've got blood on your sword. 334 00:23:04,760 --> 00:23:06,716 Urgh! 335 00:23:07,560 --> 00:23:09,516 Urgh! 336 00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:27,916 OK, Joanna. 337 00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:30,110 I am immediately feeling quite a bit of tension in there, 338 00:23:30,240 --> 00:23:32,834 so I want you to go ahead and relax. 339 00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:34,916 Just relax. 340 00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:39,116 - Yeah, just try and relax. - Yeah, I... I am. 341 00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:42,428 Let's just relax. Just relax. 342 00:23:42,560 --> 00:23:44,630 Oh, relax. Relax. 343 00:23:44,760 --> 00:23:47,069 Relax, relax. 344 00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:49,555 Relax. Oh, relax. 345 00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:57,116 Look, we're all back. 346 00:23:57,240 --> 00:24:00,516 Yeah, but I don't really remember who you are. 347 00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:04,997 Yeah, well, as long as you remember in which order to put the organs back in, in. 348 00:24:05,120 --> 00:24:07,714 What an odd thing to say, say. 349 00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:09,990 Relax, relax. 350 00:24:10,120 --> 00:24:13,157 Just relax, relax. Just relax. 351 00:24:13,280 --> 00:24:15,350 Relax. Relax. 352 00:24:15,480 --> 00:24:19,996 Relax. Just... Just relax. 353 00:24:20,120 --> 00:24:24,352 - One, two, a-one, two, three, four. - Actually, I'm a bit worried now. 354 00:24:24,480 --> 00:24:26,436 Wuss. 355 00:24:27,640 --> 00:24:32,794 Ooh! No, not like that. Don't hold it like that. 356 00:24:34,240 --> 00:24:36,390 Oh, my God. He's a butcher. 357 00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:39,999 Be careful with that. That's the bit that they need to... 358 00:24:40,120 --> 00:24:42,839 They won't be able to eat asparagus if you cut that bit out. 359 00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:44,916 Et tu, Caroline. 360 00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:53,719 - Aren't you two dating? - No, one date. One date. 361 00:24:54,680 --> 00:24:57,399 - One date and now we're married. - No, no, we're not married. 362 00:24:57,520 --> 00:25:00,034 - She likes to pretend we're not, but we are. - We're not. 363 00:25:00,160 --> 00:25:02,674 I can draw an accurate diagram of her labia with a spirograph. 364 00:25:02,800 --> 00:25:05,473 No, he can't. He can't. Guy, shut up! 365 00:25:05,600 --> 00:25:07,955 Oh, she does go on, the wife. 366 00:25:09,360 --> 00:25:13,194 In fact, if you want to see what it looks like... 367 00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:18,436 (machine beeps ) 368 00:25:24,320 --> 00:25:26,550 OK, Joanna, now that we're a little more relaxed, 369 00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:28,955 I'd like to try something a bit different. 370 00:25:29,080 --> 00:25:32,197 Get on with it. I do have an office to run, you know. 371 00:25:32,320 --> 00:25:35,517 I'd like you to imagine all that unpleasantness that you've been going through recently 372 00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:39,428 is currently locked away in a little box deep, deep inside. 373 00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:41,676 Good. Locked away. 374 00:25:41,800 --> 00:25:43,756 What I... No, Joanna, it's a bad thing. 375 00:25:43,880 --> 00:25:46,952 And we need to open that box and we need to deal with the contents. 376 00:25:47,080 --> 00:25:48,991 - Oh. - OK? 377 00:25:49,120 --> 00:25:51,270 So on my count of three, 378 00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:54,437 what we're going to do is lift the lid right off of that box. 379 00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:56,152 All right? 380 00:25:56,280 --> 00:25:57,793 So... 381 00:25:57,920 --> 00:26:00,275 One, two... 382 00:26:01,360 --> 00:26:03,590 - Agh! Agh! Agh! - Whoa. Hey! 383 00:26:03,720 --> 00:26:06,632 - Agh! Agh! Agh! - Whoa. Hey. Come on. 384 00:26:06,760 --> 00:26:09,035 - Agh! Agh! Agh! - Back in the box. Back in the box. 385 00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:12,038 - Agh! Agh! Agh! - Back in the box. Back in the box. 386 00:26:12,160 --> 00:26:13,912 - Agh! Agh! - Back in the box. 387 00:26:14,040 --> 00:26:17,999 Put it back in the box! Sorry, but we... we don't need that. 388 00:26:18,120 --> 00:26:21,430 That's... OK. Let's just... OK. 389 00:26:21,560 --> 00:26:23,596 Let's just try and relax. 390 00:26:25,920 --> 00:26:29,037 What do you think you're playing at? How insensitive can you be? 391 00:26:29,160 --> 00:26:30,559 - Very sensitive. - You are not. 392 00:26:30,680 --> 00:26:32,113 Touch me down there and see what happens. 393 00:26:32,240 --> 00:26:33,389 Emotionally insensitive. 394 00:26:33,520 --> 00:26:34,953 Why do you behave like that? 395 00:26:35,080 --> 00:26:38,709 You know that I'm trying to get Mac to piece together what happened between him and me, 396 00:26:38,840 --> 00:26:42,116 and yet, at this very crucial time, there you go filling his head with your complete bollocks. 397 00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:45,118 My complete and utter bollocks wouldn't fit into his tiny head. 398 00:26:45,240 --> 00:26:49,279 Parts of them would, but not the whole lot, because they're completely massive. 399 00:26:49,400 --> 00:26:51,595 Why did you say we were married? 400 00:26:51,720 --> 00:26:53,551 It was a joke. 401 00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:57,593 It doesn't exactly put me in a good light. But I ran with it for the sake of the joke. 402 00:26:57,720 --> 00:27:00,188 What? Being married to me would make you look bad? 403 00:27:00,320 --> 00:27:02,595 Well, only a bit desperate. 404 00:27:02,720 --> 00:27:07,191 I can't make you out. I can't decide whether you're a complete prick or an utter twat! 405 00:27:07,320 --> 00:27:08,719 Why do you have to be so serious about everything? 406 00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:10,398 Because it is serious! 407 00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:14,399 Right, OK, OK. So you want me to help you get through to Mac? 408 00:27:14,520 --> 00:27:16,750 - Yes. - All right. OK. 409 00:27:16,880 --> 00:27:21,795 What would... what would you say to him if you could, in an ideal world? 410 00:27:21,920 --> 00:27:27,153 Uh... I'd say... I'd say... ' You mean everything to me.' 411 00:27:27,280 --> 00:27:30,829 ' And I just want things to be the same as the way they were between us before.' 412 00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:36,910 That's very nice. Say it again, but, you know, say it with feeling this time. 413 00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:41,230 You mean everything to me 414 00:27:41,360 --> 00:27:44,636 and I just want things to be the same as the way they were before. 415 00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:48,070 Oh. I knew it. I knew there was something going on between you guys. 416 00:27:48,200 --> 00:27:50,760 Well, you're very perceptive. 417 00:27:54,640 --> 00:27:58,428 Thank you so very much for all your help! 418 00:27:58,560 --> 00:28:00,516 No problem. 419 00:28:13,360 --> 00:28:15,999 Oh, did that tickle? A bit there. 420 00:28:19,920 --> 00:28:23,674 - (knock at door) - Yes, come in. No, go out! Go! 421 00:28:25,480 --> 00:28:27,436 And come in. 422 00:28:31,040 --> 00:28:33,076 Could I... could I have it back now? 423 00:28:33,200 --> 00:28:36,510 - What? - Can I have it back, please? My Potty Putty. 424 00:28:36,640 --> 00:28:39,677 Well, I dare say you can. 425 00:28:39,800 --> 00:28:43,793 You're a big, strong boy and I've no doubt that if I were to hand it over to you, 426 00:28:43,920 --> 00:28:48,038 you would be able to hold it and therefore have it in your possession. 427 00:28:48,160 --> 00:28:53,473 - May. May I have my Potty Putty back? - Thank you. 428 00:28:53,600 --> 00:28:56,990 Go on, then, take your pity... pu... po... potty, 429 00:28:57,120 --> 00:28:59,759 and go and do some growing up somewhere else. 430 00:28:59,880 --> 00:29:05,079 Oh, by the way, Professor McMay does want to come and discuss your lecture. 431 00:29:05,200 --> 00:29:08,795 - Professor McMay from Pedantics. - I don't know any Professor McMay. 432 00:29:08,920 --> 00:29:13,391 Oh, I'm sorry. Did I get it wrong again? Sorry. Professor McCann from Paediatrics. 433 00:29:13,520 --> 00:29:19,072 Would you just cease? He's a very important man. You're not to play with his name. Right? 434 00:29:19,200 --> 00:29:22,351 No. When is he coming? The professor? 435 00:29:25,880 --> 00:29:28,838 - The 21st of Can. - 21st of Can. 436 00:29:29,840 --> 00:29:31,796 Just a... 437 00:29:32,960 --> 00:29:37,158 Confiscatio secundo... tempore. 438 00:29:37,280 --> 00:29:39,191 On your way. 439 00:29:47,200 --> 00:29:49,236 Hello again, my darling. 440 00:29:52,680 --> 00:29:57,470 Right. I found cover for Tuesday and Wednesday, so I just need you to sign that. 441 00:29:57,600 --> 00:30:01,559 And then I can take it and... It's really warm today, isn't it? 442 00:30:01,680 --> 00:30:06,117 Yeah, it's muggy. It is definitely quite muggy, yeah. 443 00:30:09,040 --> 00:30:11,395 All right. Thanks. 444 00:30:11,520 --> 00:30:14,671 It's your pen. Is that your pen or mine? 445 00:30:17,680 --> 00:30:19,830 You are... You're still a wanker, though. 446 00:30:19,960 --> 00:30:22,520 (Guy ) Yeah, yeah. And I'll put my cock in your eye. 447 00:30:31,040 --> 00:30:34,077 - It's me - Martin. - Yeah, I know. I can read your name badge. 448 00:30:34,200 --> 00:30:36,953 - Shit. - Why are you dressed as Michael Jackson? 449 00:30:37,080 --> 00:30:39,275 Because I'm trying to avoid the little woman. 450 00:30:39,400 --> 00:30:41,356 Karen? Why? 451 00:30:43,160 --> 00:30:46,914 I can't do any more kissing and I can't do any more sex. I feel swollen up. 452 00:30:47,040 --> 00:30:49,679 - I feel like I've been punched in the mouth. - Looks all right to me. 453 00:30:49,800 --> 00:30:51,711 - No, down there. - Your downstairs mouth? 454 00:30:51,840 --> 00:30:55,276 Yeah. I feel like I've chafed my cock. 455 00:30:55,400 --> 00:30:58,551 Oh, I see. It is the honeymoon period. I'm sure it'll calm down. 456 00:30:58,680 --> 00:31:02,593 No, no, she scares me. We don't talk or anything. We just do the dirties. 457 00:31:02,720 --> 00:31:05,154 Well, maybe you should finish it. 458 00:31:05,280 --> 00:31:08,033 Yeah, well, that's what Guy says. 459 00:31:11,160 --> 00:31:16,314 Look, the thing is, if I go near her, she'll just make me have sex with her. 460 00:31:16,440 --> 00:31:19,796 - So phone her. - Yeah, right. 461 00:31:19,920 --> 00:31:22,559 Yeah, right! That is brilliant. 462 00:31:28,120 --> 00:31:30,111 Hi, Karen. Hello, yeah, it's Martin. 463 00:31:30,240 --> 00:31:34,028 Um... Martin, your boyfriend. Well, actually, I wanted to talk to you about that. 464 00:31:34,160 --> 00:31:38,915 Um... I'm not any more because I'm finishing with you. Yeah, right. OK, goodbye. 465 00:31:39,040 --> 00:31:41,076 Well done. How did she take it? 466 00:31:41,200 --> 00:31:43,191 Yeah, pretty good. Pretty good. 467 00:31:43,320 --> 00:31:45,550 Um... It's voicemail. 468 00:31:45,680 --> 00:31:47,636 Nice one. 469 00:31:51,960 --> 00:31:53,916 Hot and single. 470 00:32:07,800 --> 00:32:09,756 Hot, hot, hot. 471 00:32:09,880 --> 00:32:14,271 ' What are the five most important qualities in a woman?' 472 00:32:14,400 --> 00:32:20,748 Why are these things so full of rubbish? Five qualities, what does that mean? 473 00:32:20,880 --> 00:32:22,233 Aha. 474 00:32:22,360 --> 00:32:24,828 Guy said there's been a bit of a misunderstanding earlier. 475 00:32:24,960 --> 00:32:25,790 Did he? 476 00:32:25,920 --> 00:32:28,673 He said there was never anything going on between you two. 477 00:32:28,800 --> 00:32:29,550 Did he? 478 00:32:29,680 --> 00:32:32,274 In fact, he said he'd never be seen dead with anyone like you. 479 00:32:32,400 --> 00:32:32,912 Did he? 480 00:32:33,040 --> 00:32:36,953 - Yeah, which I thought was a little harsh. - Yes, yes, it is. 481 00:32:37,080 --> 00:32:38,957 So you... Um... 482 00:32:39,080 --> 00:32:44,234 What would you say are the five most important qualities for... for a woman? 483 00:32:44,360 --> 00:32:48,319 Ah... Tough question for someone who's just getting familiar with the here and now. 484 00:32:48,440 --> 00:32:50,954 What's a tough question? 485 00:32:51,080 --> 00:32:54,277 - Five top qualities in a woman. - I was asking Mac, actually. 486 00:32:54,400 --> 00:32:58,393 Oh, five qualities. That's easy. Number one - bendy. 487 00:32:58,520 --> 00:33:00,556 - Unpredictable. - Number two - shaved. 488 00:33:00,680 --> 00:33:03,114 Must appreciate the genius of The Kinks. 489 00:33:03,240 --> 00:33:07,916 - Number three - slightly anorexic. - Thoughtful eyes. 490 00:33:08,040 --> 00:33:12,875 - Uh, four - about sort of 5% lesbian. - Should be in touch with her masculine side. 491 00:33:13,000 --> 00:33:18,313 And finally, mustn't be too smelly in the cellar. 492 00:33:18,440 --> 00:33:20,396 - Compassionate. - Ugh! 493 00:33:20,520 --> 00:33:23,080 So you come up with an unpredictable yet compassionate, 494 00:33:23,200 --> 00:33:26,829 slightly masculine Kinks fan with eyes. 495 00:33:26,960 --> 00:33:29,713 I know. It's an impossible dream. 496 00:33:30,640 --> 00:33:32,596 In the cellar. 497 00:33:34,960 --> 00:33:36,916 Down below. 498 00:34:18,360 --> 00:34:20,316 Penny for 'em? 499 00:34:21,880 --> 00:34:27,432 I was just... wondering what it would be like if Karen hung herself. 500 00:34:29,400 --> 00:34:35,032 Dr Macartney, um, pleased to see you've been passed fit to join the ranks once more. 501 00:34:35,160 --> 00:34:37,674 And I would like to put that on the record. 502 00:34:37,800 --> 00:34:43,352 You're making a record? That is brilliant. When's it going to be in the shops? 503 00:34:43,480 --> 00:34:48,076 No, um, I'm not talking about a piece of vinyl, as... as... as very well you know. 504 00:34:48,200 --> 00:34:51,954 No, I know. It's all digital, isn't it? CD, iPods nowadays, that sort of stuff. 505 00:34:52,080 --> 00:34:55,356 Maybe I think I could download your remark from the internet. 506 00:34:55,480 --> 00:34:57,516 I can't make a simple statement without it being pounced upon? 507 00:34:57,640 --> 00:35:00,154 I told you, you should make your tutorials less erotic. 508 00:35:00,280 --> 00:35:02,510 - My tutorials are irrelevant. - So I've heard. 509 00:35:02,640 --> 00:35:04,596 My point is, we may not have seen eye to eye. 510 00:35:04,720 --> 00:35:06,278 Yeah, what is that? Is that a film? 511 00:35:06,400 --> 00:35:10,359 That's it! This is the last time I attempt a rapprochement with you, Dr Macartney. 512 00:35:10,480 --> 00:35:12,675 Rapprochement. Wow, that is an amazing French accent you've got. 513 00:35:12,800 --> 00:35:15,678 No, too late to be nice now. You had your chance. 514 00:35:15,800 --> 00:35:17,518 (rolls tongue) Rapprochement. 515 00:35:17,640 --> 00:35:19,437 - It's a long word and you said it beautifully. - Well, that's... 516 00:35:19,560 --> 00:35:21,516 How do you get your tongue round all those French letters? 517 00:35:21,640 --> 00:35:25,030 I dare say it's a certain amount of practice and a natural bent. 518 00:35:25,160 --> 00:35:27,116 Yes. 519 00:35:30,040 --> 00:35:33,919 You! You think you're so farting clever, don't you? 520 00:35:34,040 --> 00:35:37,589 All hail, thou beauteous nursey nymph. Be mine. 521 00:35:45,400 --> 00:35:47,356 Mine's still higher. 522 00:36:05,200 --> 00:36:07,668 You really got me, you really got me 523 00:36:07,800 --> 00:36:11,031 Oh, yeah, you really got me going 524 00:36:11,160 --> 00:36:14,118 You got me so I don't know what I'm doing 525 00:36:14,240 --> 00:36:17,437 Oh, yeah, you really got me going 526 00:36:17,560 --> 00:36:20,199 You got me so I can't sleep at night 527 00:36:20,320 --> 00:36:23,949 You really got me, you really got me 528 00:36:24,080 --> 00:36:27,072 Oh, yeah, you really got me going 529 00:36:27,200 --> 00:36:29,350 You got me so I can't sleep at night 530 00:36:29,480 --> 00:36:32,517 Oh, yeah, you really got me going 531 00:36:32,640 --> 00:36:35,632 You got me so I can't sleep at night 532 00:36:35,760 --> 00:36:39,309 Oh, yeah, you got me... 533 00:36:50,480 --> 00:36:52,516 I'll have to see. 534 00:36:52,640 --> 00:36:54,915 Well, it might not be. I... 535 00:36:55,760 --> 00:37:00,788 Well, I don't know why. I'll have to get back to you, all right? 536 00:37:09,560 --> 00:37:14,554 Kim, Charles wants some other bloody briefing. Just tell him to fuck off, would you? 537 00:37:14,680 --> 00:37:19,800 - What's up with her? - Oh, she's got her iPod on random. Travis. 538 00:37:21,560 --> 00:37:24,120 You think Travis is sad, do you? 539 00:37:30,800 --> 00:37:32,950 There. Bet he's sad now. 540 00:37:45,160 --> 00:37:47,435 Oh, sorry. Oh, hello, Dr Statham. 541 00:37:47,560 --> 00:37:50,028 Ah, yes. You. 542 00:37:51,360 --> 00:37:54,193 We actually have something in common, you and I. 543 00:37:54,320 --> 00:37:55,799 - Do we? - Yes. Yes. 544 00:37:55,920 --> 00:38:00,232 I once had a bit of a thing with someone you know quite well. 545 00:38:00,360 --> 00:38:02,351 Is it... Oh, Graham from Social Services? 546 00:38:02,480 --> 00:38:04,994 No, no. No, that was actually a bad guess, wasn't it? 547 00:38:05,120 --> 00:38:07,759 No, I was trying to be discreet and not say Joanna. 548 00:38:07,880 --> 00:38:11,270 Oh, sorry. No, forget that. Oh, I'm a jelly brain sometimes. 549 00:38:11,400 --> 00:38:13,072 - Does everybody know? - Oh, God, yes. 550 00:38:13,200 --> 00:38:16,158 - What? - Famous for it. Complete jelly brain. 551 00:38:16,280 --> 00:38:18,475 Right, right. Yes, yes. 552 00:38:19,840 --> 00:38:23,992 This is a fine little chinwag we're having, isn't it? 553 00:38:24,120 --> 00:38:28,591 It's nice for the upper echelons to mingle with the worker bees... every now and then? 554 00:38:28,720 --> 00:38:30,676 Busy, busy. I should really get... 555 00:38:30,800 --> 00:38:34,395 You... you busy, busy little bee. 556 00:38:34,520 --> 00:38:41,232 Sometimes, I think, too busy to look after each other's needs and desires, isn't it? 557 00:38:41,360 --> 00:38:43,794 We may be from different ends of the beehive, 558 00:38:43,920 --> 00:38:45,558 but we're not dissimilar, you and I, are we? 559 00:38:45,680 --> 00:38:50,390 You know, I'm, as it were, senior bee and you're clearly no-spring-chicken bee. 560 00:38:50,520 --> 00:38:56,072 You're getting on a bit, but we have a shared need for a certain amount of... 561 00:38:56,200 --> 00:38:59,510 - Touch... sex, sex. Would you? - No. No! 562 00:38:59,640 --> 00:39:01,915 No. No! No! 563 00:39:02,040 --> 00:39:07,194 No, why would you want me, huh? I mean, look at me. I look like a household broom. 564 00:39:07,320 --> 00:39:10,551 - Who'd want to sleep with a broom? - A dustpan. 565 00:39:10,680 --> 00:39:15,549 A dustpan indeed, yes. And where would one find a maritally unfettered dustpan? 566 00:39:15,680 --> 00:39:19,355 Um... Well, my husband found me at evening classes. 567 00:39:19,480 --> 00:39:21,436 Evening classes? 568 00:39:22,960 --> 00:39:25,758 Yes! Yes! 569 00:39:25,880 --> 00:39:27,836 Thank you. 570 00:39:32,680 --> 00:39:35,513 So, in your state, what you've probably forgotten 571 00:39:35,640 --> 00:39:37,596 is that you're actually quite shit at this sort of thing. 572 00:39:37,720 --> 00:39:39,870 Even someone who was dead and had been fully cremated 573 00:39:40,000 --> 00:39:42,878 would still be fully aware I am better at this than you. 574 00:39:43,000 --> 00:39:45,355 OK. 575 00:39:45,480 --> 00:39:48,199 So the winner gets to spend a night of passion 576 00:39:48,320 --> 00:39:50,834 with the most desirable person in the hospital. 577 00:39:50,960 --> 00:39:53,758 No, hang on a minute, that's me. I'd be spending a night with myself. 578 00:39:53,880 --> 00:39:56,553 Let's make that the most gorgeous babe in the hospital. 579 00:39:56,680 --> 00:39:58,875 Look forward to that. And the loser... 580 00:39:59,000 --> 00:40:03,039 I think for the loser a night of terror with the biggest freak in town, 581 00:40:03,160 --> 00:40:08,314 and that would be Dr Caroline Trodd, the google-eyed Neanderthal. 582 00:40:08,440 --> 00:40:12,149 Your parents were in a freak show, weren't they? The Flying Gingos. 583 00:40:12,280 --> 00:40:18,435 No, they ran the show. They paid your wages. Remember, the Swiss bearded lady boys? 584 00:40:19,920 --> 00:40:23,310 Do you know what? I'd quite like a night out with Caroline Todd, 585 00:40:23,440 --> 00:40:28,798 cos she has very interesting eyes and she likes the Kinks, which is strangely endearing. 586 00:40:28,920 --> 00:40:33,152 I think I'm going to be sick. Right. OK, pick a spoon. 587 00:40:34,280 --> 00:40:39,354 Do you understand the rules of the Spoon of Destiny? 588 00:40:39,480 --> 00:40:44,190 - I understand the Spoon of Destiny. - Are you ready to play the Spoon of Destiny? 589 00:40:44,320 --> 00:40:48,029 - I'm ready to play the Spoon of Destiny. - Well, let's get on with it, then. 590 00:40:48,160 --> 00:40:49,991 Un, deux, trois. 591 00:41:03,640 --> 00:41:05,596 Karen! 592 00:41:08,680 --> 00:41:12,036 Yeah, nice. Um... About that message I left. 593 00:41:12,160 --> 00:41:14,833 - What message? - On your phone. 594 00:41:14,960 --> 00:41:16,837 - Oh, thanks. - What for? 595 00:41:16,960 --> 00:41:20,032 For reminding me. I switched it off after a meeting. 596 00:41:20,160 --> 00:41:23,232 Oh, I'll look for it for you, if you like. 597 00:41:23,360 --> 00:41:26,989 - I can manage. - That's all right. I don't mind. 598 00:41:27,880 --> 00:41:32,431 - So can I have it? - Oh, I... I can't seem to find it. 599 00:41:33,880 --> 00:41:35,836 - That's weird. - Hmm. 600 00:41:37,200 --> 00:41:40,476 - It's not in there. - I must have left it on my desk, I suppose. 601 00:41:40,600 --> 00:41:43,433 Won't be a minute. Give me a kiss. 602 00:41:47,240 --> 00:41:49,196 (gulps ) 603 00:41:55,080 --> 00:41:58,516 - What's the matter with you? - I've just eaten Karen's phone. 604 00:41:58,640 --> 00:42:04,397 Ah, clever. Although, maybe you should have eaten her SIM card instead. 605 00:42:05,440 --> 00:42:11,470 Don't worry, mate. It'll pass straight through you. Like sweetcorn. 606 00:42:14,400 --> 00:42:17,153 Hey, what are you up to? 607 00:42:17,280 --> 00:42:19,953 - Drinking. - I'll join you. I could do with some drinking. 608 00:42:20,080 --> 00:42:22,071 Fine, but I must warn you that I'm drinking to forget. 609 00:42:22,200 --> 00:42:24,191 - Oh, yeah? What are you drinking to forget? - Gin. 610 00:42:24,320 --> 00:42:27,835 Are you drinking to forget you look a bit like a man sometimes? 611 00:42:27,960 --> 00:42:31,032 No, no. No, it wasn't that, thank you very much, Martin. 612 00:42:31,160 --> 00:42:33,913 Oh, a pint of Guinness, please. 613 00:42:34,040 --> 00:42:36,508 And I'll have lots of shots in a pint glass. 614 00:42:36,640 --> 00:42:41,316 Do you wanna forget that one of your boobs looks bigger than the other in that top? 615 00:42:41,440 --> 00:42:43,112 No. 616 00:42:43,240 --> 00:42:47,233 Is it... drinking to forget about Mac forgetting that you kissed him 617 00:42:47,360 --> 00:42:49,271 and that he might have gone off with another girlfriend? 618 00:42:49,400 --> 00:42:52,119 No, it wasn't because of that. It wasn't. It was because... 619 00:42:52,240 --> 00:42:54,993 It was because... because my mum's died. 620 00:42:55,120 --> 00:42:58,874 What? What, she's dead? That's fucking awful. 621 00:42:59,000 --> 00:43:00,956 Yeah, yeah, it is, yeah. 622 00:43:04,800 --> 00:43:06,119 - It's about Mac, isn't it? - Yep. 623 00:43:06,240 --> 00:43:08,151 - She's not dead, is she? - No. 624 00:43:08,280 --> 00:43:12,637 Well, good. That... that is horrible. That's big shit, your mum dying. 625 00:43:12,760 --> 00:43:14,716 You shouldn't joke about that. 626 00:43:14,840 --> 00:43:17,070 Uh... A pint of Guinness, please. 627 00:43:17,200 --> 00:43:19,839 He's probably put vodka in that. 628 00:43:22,160 --> 00:43:27,518 Does one of my boobs really look bigger than the other in this? 629 00:43:27,640 --> 00:43:29,596 Um, yeah, a bit. 630 00:43:31,840 --> 00:43:33,796 (mobile rings ) 631 00:43:51,760 --> 00:43:54,194 The pain is ending. 632 00:43:54,320 --> 00:43:59,394 And my eyes closed, I feel your fingers slipping from my hand. 633 00:43:59,520 --> 00:44:02,910 - Oh, dear. - I sink into a mist that engulfs me. 634 00:44:03,040 --> 00:44:07,955 - That's... - I drift, I'm free. 635 00:44:11,240 --> 00:44:13,196 Louise, that was, um... 636 00:44:13,320 --> 00:44:16,710 Should I go next? Otherwise we'll not have time to get round to everybody. 637 00:44:16,840 --> 00:44:23,518 We don't have to rush at it, Alan. Just let what Louise has said penetrate our souls. 638 00:44:25,920 --> 00:44:29,310 Yes, penetrated. There we are. Um... 639 00:44:34,120 --> 00:44:36,076 Hello, I'm Alan. 640 00:44:36,680 --> 00:44:38,636 Carrier pigeon. 641 00:44:45,520 --> 00:44:47,476 Carrier pigeon. 642 00:44:49,040 --> 00:44:50,996 Carrier pigeon. 643 00:44:52,760 --> 00:44:54,512 Carrier... 644 00:44:54,640 --> 00:44:56,596 of disease. 645 00:44:57,440 --> 00:45:00,989 O, gnarled claw, hobbling, 646 00:45:01,120 --> 00:45:05,511 disease eating away at your very being. 647 00:45:06,920 --> 00:45:09,150 Look out! A car! 648 00:45:09,280 --> 00:45:13,876 I can't fly cos my wing is damaged. 649 00:45:14,000 --> 00:45:16,958 (beeps ) 650 00:45:17,920 --> 00:45:20,354 (imitates flatline beep ) 651 00:45:33,400 --> 00:45:36,870 So, let it... let it penetrate. 652 00:45:40,120 --> 00:45:42,076 Get off! 653 00:45:45,600 --> 00:45:49,388 - What are you drinking? - Gin and gin. 654 00:45:49,520 --> 00:45:52,159 It's like gin and tonic, but you use gin instead of tonic. 655 00:45:52,280 --> 00:45:55,829 - Right. - I find it relaxes me. Do you want one? 656 00:45:55,960 --> 00:45:59,032 - No, thanks. - No, of course you don't, Miss Goody-goody. 657 00:45:59,160 --> 00:46:00,593 - I'm not a goody-goody. - Yes, you are. 658 00:46:00,720 --> 00:46:03,792 You're like some kind of blonde Julie Andrews. 659 00:46:03,920 --> 00:46:06,514 - Julie Andrews is blonde. - Is she? 660 00:46:06,640 --> 00:46:08,551 - Yeah. - Fine. 661 00:46:08,680 --> 00:46:13,231 - You're like some Julie Andrews, then. - No, I'm not. 662 00:46:20,720 --> 00:46:22,676 - See. - Bloody hell, Angela. 663 00:46:22,800 --> 00:46:24,870 Yeah, I can drink like a fish. 664 00:46:25,000 --> 00:46:28,629 Comes from mainly having male best friends. 665 00:46:30,520 --> 00:46:32,556 Where? 666 00:46:32,680 --> 00:46:35,035 Yeah, well, it's not right outside, is it? 667 00:46:35,160 --> 00:46:38,630 - Problems? - I preferred you when you were in a coma. 668 00:46:38,760 --> 00:46:41,115 - I'll give you a lift if you like. - On that thing? 669 00:46:41,240 --> 00:46:43,390 Well, it's perfectly safe. 670 00:46:43,520 --> 00:46:47,672 Safe? Being driven by a man who, until recently, was as alert as a broken stapler. 671 00:46:47,800 --> 00:46:50,712 - Can you remember what to do? - I did manage to get here. 672 00:46:50,840 --> 00:46:54,469 All right, then, check your ogglers, then, and let's do it to it. 673 00:46:54,600 --> 00:46:56,830 - My what? - Your ogglers. 674 00:46:56,960 --> 00:47:00,157 Oh, don't tell me you've forgotten what an oggler is. Jesus. 675 00:47:00,280 --> 00:47:03,636 Your ogglers. Speed sphere. 676 00:47:03,760 --> 00:47:09,039 Uh, your whirly girls, your arse cradle, and of course, very importantly, your head shell. 677 00:47:09,160 --> 00:47:10,593 Shut up and get on. 678 00:47:10,720 --> 00:47:13,632 There she is, yes. Joanna Clore, hello! Yes. 679 00:47:13,760 --> 00:47:18,072 Look, look. Come here, yes. Come and look. Get in position. 680 00:47:18,200 --> 00:47:21,476 I'm going to put it in, so don't over... Keep up with her. 681 00:47:21,600 --> 00:47:24,239 No, you overshot. Go back, back. 682 00:47:27,360 --> 00:47:29,476 - Oh, hello. - What the hell do you want, Alan? 683 00:47:29,600 --> 00:47:33,912 What I want is to prove to you that I don't need you for sexiness, thank you. 684 00:47:34,040 --> 00:47:36,270 - What? - I'm having quite a good time without you. 685 00:47:36,400 --> 00:47:39,676 Look at this lovely jiggling. In it goes. It's gone in and it's coming out. 686 00:47:39,800 --> 00:47:42,439 It's gone in, it's coming out. And it's not with you, is it? 687 00:47:42,560 --> 00:47:45,518 ' By now, your baby will be able to distinguish 688 00:47:45,640 --> 00:47:50,031 and respond to significant sounds outside the womb.' 689 00:47:50,160 --> 00:47:52,720 ' Some experts believe that classical music 690 00:47:52,840 --> 00:47:57,231 can acutely increase the IQ of the unborn child.' 691 00:47:57,360 --> 00:48:00,352 This is a super bit of sex I'm having. You're probably quite jealous. 692 00:48:00,480 --> 00:48:04,439 I suppose if jiggling about with a bored prostitute counts, then... 693 00:48:04,560 --> 00:48:08,792 Well, it's proper sex, don't you deny it. It's proper sex and I'm having it not with you. 694 00:48:08,920 --> 00:48:11,957 - Hmm, oh, look. - Can you actually feel anything? 695 00:48:12,080 --> 00:48:13,911 - I've still got my tights on. - Don't barge. 696 00:48:22,080 --> 00:48:24,833 If you think I'm sitting with my bell-end wedged up against your buttocks, 697 00:48:24,960 --> 00:48:30,717 you've got another thing coming. Watch your veebs, check for traffmobiles and let's rock. 698 00:48:38,040 --> 00:48:39,996 Agh! 699 00:48:41,080 --> 00:48:43,071 - Don't follow me. - Come on! Change position. 700 00:48:43,200 --> 00:48:47,432 Keep with her. I'm going on top now. I'm popping it in now. 701 00:48:47,560 --> 00:48:50,279 Oh, yes, lovely. She's very adept. 702 00:48:53,920 --> 00:48:56,354 Stop, you tit. I've done a pooh! 703 00:49:01,200 --> 00:49:04,317 Bit of oral! There's some oral going on now. 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net