1 00:00:03,040 --> 00:00:05,952 Those bits of my memory, they're probably wiped for good, 2 00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:08,878 but I'm very glad that I'm catching up. 3 00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:12,072 It feels like you and I probably got on really well. 4 00:00:13,120 --> 00:00:17,636 - I feel a lot more grr. - Oh, dear. Just lend yourself to me. 5 00:00:17,760 --> 00:00:20,558 You may not smack my bare bottom. 6 00:00:20,680 --> 00:00:24,229 You are trying to get fully reinstated. How stupid can you be? 7 00:00:24,360 --> 00:00:27,557 Look into my eyes. What's wrong with you? Come on. 8 00:00:27,680 --> 00:00:31,593 You have got a rubbish vagina. 9 00:00:34,720 --> 00:00:36,711 I love you. 10 00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:38,796 I love you too. 11 00:00:42,760 --> 00:00:44,512 (beeping) 12 00:00:48,440 --> 00:00:51,034 There we are. 13 00:00:51,160 --> 00:00:52,513 Oh. 14 00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:55,950 Hello. Dr Alan Statham, new car owner. 15 00:00:56,080 --> 00:00:59,709 There she is. I wonder if you could indicate where my parking space will be? 16 00:00:59,840 --> 00:01:01,796 (woman screams ) 17 00:01:06,440 --> 00:01:09,079 Statham. W25. 18 00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:12,670 - And where exactly is that? - In overflow car park B. 19 00:01:12,800 --> 00:01:14,995 Right. And where exactly would that be? 20 00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:18,476 Right, well, you've got to go down here, swing a left... 21 00:01:23,680 --> 00:01:26,148 - Whoa. OK? - Oh, that was great! 22 00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:30,068 - Keep going right. - No, no, there must be some mistake. 23 00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:32,236 No. No, no, there's no mistake. 24 00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:35,193 ' Dr Statham, radiologist.' 25 00:01:35,320 --> 00:01:38,790 - Consultant radiologist. Statham. - Whatever. That's your space. 26 00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:43,152 - No, I should be over in one of those spaces. - Sorry. They're reserved for doctors. 27 00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:48,877 I am a bloody doctor, you flappy-coated, fluorescent-gileted, 28 00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:51,195 immigrated ignoramus! 29 00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:55,996 Yeah, well, proper doctors. Surgeons. People like him. 30 00:01:59,760 --> 00:02:03,833 - He doesn't need a space. He's got a bike. - Yeah, well, he's still got a space. A3. 31 00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:05,916 But he doesn't use it. 32 00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:08,474 Well, no, but it's still his. 33 00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:14,469 We'll see about that. Oh, yes. Up it goes. The barrier please. 34 00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:18,513 Come on, press the button. All right, I'll vault it. 35 00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:26,510 That's not proper hair. 36 00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:32,711 (car horn ) 37 00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:51,434 - Morning. - Hm? 38 00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:54,597 - Oh, a fish tank. - Oh, well spotted. 39 00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:58,076 - I don't think your fish is very well. - Of course it isn't. It's dead. 40 00:02:58,200 --> 00:03:01,795 - Oh. That's a shame. - No, it's not. I bought it dead. 41 00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:05,071 It's there because it's dead and I'm not. I'm alive. Ha! 42 00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:07,156 Right. 43 00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:12,071 You idiot. 44 00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:15,033 You dead gold idiot. 45 00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:18,236 I'm not dead, I'm alive. 46 00:03:19,480 --> 00:03:21,755 Come on. Mush! 47 00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:25,350 All right, Lance Armstrong, this will do. 48 00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:27,914 (groans ) 49 00:03:28,040 --> 00:03:30,679 - How much is that? - It's GBP249, please. 50 00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:34,554 GBP249 for severe anal bruising? 51 00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:40,718 W bloody... Huh! That's it. That's it. Yes, oh, yes. 52 00:03:40,840 --> 00:03:45,516 Put yourself in there, Alan, why don't you? Right. Right. 53 00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:50,116 Bloody Metro! 54 00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:52,356 Get out the way! 55 00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:57,474 Oh, careful. Come on. Right. 56 00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:06,636 You...! 57 00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:16,078 It's just a mirror. Just a mirror. All is vanity. 58 00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:19,715 Oops. No. Try again. Back out. 59 00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:25,036 Advanced driving. 60 00:04:26,840 --> 00:04:28,831 Get in there! Come on, get in there! 61 00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:31,315 Get in, car. Get in. 62 00:04:33,720 --> 00:04:36,792 Right. Time for work. 63 00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:05,796 - Hey. - ' Hey.' 64 00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:08,273 - Makeup? - Yeah, for Karen. 65 00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:09,628 - Oh, really? - Yeah. 66 00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:13,673 - Mr Generous. Sure you can afford it? - That is top quality. That cost a fortune. 67 00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:17,679 Then you've wasted your money, haven't you? It'll be like icing a dog turd. 68 00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:21,190 Dress it up how you like, it's still a dog turd. 69 00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:23,993 - I think she's gonna look pretty. - Is it magic makeup? 70 00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:26,076 - No. - Then you're wrong, aren't you? 71 00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:28,794 She's gonna look like a deformed dog clown. 72 00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:31,309 Look, she's not deformed. She's my girlfriend. 73 00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:33,396 - Yeah, not really. - Yeah, really. 74 00:05:33,520 --> 00:05:36,557 She's a girl, she's my friend - she's a girlfriend. 75 00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:39,956 Well, Mac's a boy and he's your friend, so is he your boyfriend? 76 00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:42,640 - No. - Then are you gonna buy him makeup? 77 00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:45,149 - No. - So your argument doesn't hold up, does it? 78 00:05:45,280 --> 00:05:47,635 - No. - You're gonna have to practise arguing, 79 00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:52,356 because I really do like a bit of a challenge, all right? Oh, look. Here she comes. 80 00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:57,998 You can tell the Billy Goats Gruff it's safe to cross the bridge now! 81 00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:04,636 - Is he saying that I look like an ugly troll? - No, ignore him. 82 00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:06,716 - Is that for me? - Yep. A little present. 83 00:06:06,840 --> 00:06:10,389 Well, I mean, only small in size, not in cost, 84 00:06:10,520 --> 00:06:13,512 cos actually it's big monetarily. 85 00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:16,200 - Makeup? - Yeah. You like it? 86 00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:20,955 I'm an ugly troll. 87 00:06:45,320 --> 00:06:48,312 - Are you all right? - Yes. This thing just fell off my car. 88 00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:49,759 - It's your exhaust. - Yes. 89 00:06:49,880 --> 00:06:54,476 Well, hopefully it's the last bad thing that can happen to me. I've had my three in 15 hours. 90 00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:58,798 This, Robbie's been excluded from school for a week for peeing on the Virgin Mary 91 00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:03,072 and my husband's thinking about leaving me for Rosie pin-legs, slitty-eyed Kendall, 92 00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:07,079 but he hasn't decided yet, so here's hoping the day gets a teensy bit better! 93 00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:09,430 And how are you? 94 00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:10,993 - Yeah, I'm OK. - Oh, good. 95 00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:14,078 - Hey, that's gonna be... - It's hot! It's hot! Hot! Hot! 96 00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:19,551 How are you supposed to decide? 97 00:07:19,680 --> 00:07:22,513 You've got to narrow it down, draw up a list of essentials. 98 00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:25,279 Do you want a garden? Do you want access to a station? 99 00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:29,473 Yeah, I'm not interested in any of that crap. Here, I've made a list. 100 00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:32,831 ' Must have plasma TV.' Is that it? Yeah? 101 00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:34,916 Yeah, yeah. 102 00:07:36,920 --> 00:07:41,357 ' Characterful.' You might as well just say, ' Listing to one side and riddled with mould.' 103 00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:43,198 - Property ads? - Lonely hearts. 104 00:07:43,320 --> 00:07:46,756 Yeah, I'm looking for a new investment propertywise. 105 00:07:46,880 --> 00:07:49,314 Oh, what's wrong with the old flat? 106 00:07:49,440 --> 00:07:52,318 Things happened in it. 107 00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:54,874 It's probably best to get a new place, move on. 108 00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:58,072 Yeah, that's what I thought. And I managed to sell my old flat 109 00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:01,237 for four times what I paid for it. 110 00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:04,596 That's good. 111 00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:08,076 Four times. 112 00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:11,236 Yeah. 113 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:13,669 Seriously, though, four times. 114 00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:16,676 - You should tell the nurses. - Really? 115 00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:20,031 - Yeah, they'd love to hear that. - Cool. 116 00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:25,950 - They're gonna rip him to shreds. - Yeah. Four times, hopefully. 117 00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:30,556 - Morning. - Morning. 118 00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:35,554 - Oh, my God. What's that smell? - What smell? 119 00:08:35,680 --> 00:08:38,478 - That vegetable smell. - Oh, gross! 120 00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:41,797 - That's my shoes. - Well, wash your feet or something. Jesus! 121 00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:44,115 It's not my feet, it's my shoes. 122 00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:46,196 - They're vegetarian. - Excuse me? 123 00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:48,595 I'm wearing vegetarian shoes. 124 00:08:48,720 --> 00:08:50,950 - I object to wearing leather. - They stink. 125 00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:53,275 They're made out of natural by-products. 126 00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:57,996 - What? Like shit? - No, like banana skins, bamboo. 127 00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:02,079 - You're wearing shoes made from bananas? - No, these are gecko. 128 00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:04,316 - Gecko's an animal. - What? 129 00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:06,635 - Yeah, it's a sort of lizard. - Oh, my God! 130 00:09:06,760 --> 00:09:10,833 Yep, you're wearing lizard-skin shoes. Murderer. 131 00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:12,712 Ugh! 132 00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:19,076 - You just hit that pigeon. - Double murderer! 133 00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:33,871 Doctor... 134 00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,156 Doct... 135 00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:41,398 Mr Macartney, I'd like to talk to you about your car parking space. 136 00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:43,954 I was thinking about putting some carrots on it. 137 00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:46,594 I think you should sign the space over to me. 138 00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:50,315 - I don't think so. - You don't need it, not with a bike. 139 00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:53,989 It's my little piece of land, where I can relax and get away from it all. 140 00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:56,509 - That's... that's my mug. - Oh. 141 00:09:57,240 --> 00:10:00,869 - ' World's greatest lover' of...? - Of women, obviously. 142 00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:04,549 - Was there a ceremony? - No, it's a gift from a friend. 143 00:10:04,680 --> 00:10:07,478 - Who was that? - (stammers ) Jo... Jo... M-my mother. 144 00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:09,192 - Your mother? - Yes. 145 00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:13,313 - Did your mum discover this first-hand? - Don't be disgusting! Give it back. 146 00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:16,273 - I've not finished yet. - Hurry up! 147 00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:24,030 Right, that's enough. Come on. Decant it. 148 00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:26,674 - What? - Decant it into another receptacle. 149 00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:29,758 - Sorry, did you mean to say receptacle? - I did s-say... 150 00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:32,599 You said testicle. ' Decant it into another testicle.' 151 00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:34,836 I demand my mug back! 152 00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:38,270 Now you've said bum crack. Did you really want to demand bum crack? 153 00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:42,279 - What we need around here is more respect! - Sorry, you meant to say respect. 154 00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:45,949 - I... That's... I said respect. - No, you said, ' Tickle my balls' . 155 00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:49,755 - I... You... - ' Tickle my balls.' I heard it very clearly. 156 00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:51,950 Stupid! Stupid! 157 00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:55,595 Right, well, yes. The powers that be will decide 158 00:10:55,720 --> 00:11:00,032 what to do about your little carrot patch. Yes. You'll see. Oh, you'll see. 159 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:04,199 - Who are you calling a parrot's snatch? - You...! 160 00:11:15,680 --> 00:11:17,671 Everyone says that's a bargain. 161 00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:20,314 Can't see it myself. 162 00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:28,755 No, me neither. 163 00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:32,077 30 quid for a cello? Rip off. 164 00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:37,112 ' Room for rent with Dr Todd.' 165 00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:39,390 Nightmare. 166 00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:41,192 Oh. 167 00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:43,276 Looky, looky, looky. 168 00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:46,278 ' Life-drawing classes at lunchtimes.' 169 00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:50,075 ' Materials and model supplied.' 170 00:11:58,360 --> 00:12:00,510 - Hi, are you OK? - Oh, yeah. Yeah. 171 00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:03,757 Homeless, community service, I'm like a big kid at Christmas. 172 00:12:03,880 --> 00:12:04,949 Yeah, sorry. 173 00:12:05,080 --> 00:12:09,198 Painting, cleaning, community sports coaching. No one could be as excited as me. 174 00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:13,916 I'm excited. Progress with Mac. Things may be coming back about the day of the accident. 175 00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:17,430 - Does he remember he tried to rape me? - No, I think he knows about me and him. 176 00:12:17,560 --> 00:12:21,712 But it's OK, there's no rush. I'll just let things develop. 177 00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:26,072 It's not like Emmy's a threat any more, and Holly's all tied up with a husband, so... 178 00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:28,760 - Huh. - What? 179 00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:32,270 - Nothing. - You just said ' huh' . 180 00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:34,550 No, I didn't. 181 00:12:34,680 --> 00:12:39,231 - You know something, don't you? - Just something Angela said. It's nothing. 182 00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:40,918 What? 183 00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:42,996 - Not the face. - Tell me. 184 00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:45,759 I'd be betraying the confidence of a friend. 185 00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:49,917 OK. Yeah, yeah. I can respect that. 186 00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:56,353 OK. Holly split up with her husband and she wishes she'd never let go of Mac. 187 00:12:57,400 --> 00:13:00,949 Oh, dear. That just sort of slipped out. 188 00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:06,915 He doesn't use it. He's practically a Hell's Angel. He doesn't use it. 189 00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:11,079 - He doesn't warrant a whole space. - I see. 190 00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:14,112 - Well, I demand it. Hand it over to me. - No. 191 00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:17,915 - What do you mean, no? - No. You can't have Dr Macartney's space. 192 00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:21,476 The space is allocated to Surgery, not Radiology. 193 00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:23,875 Well... well, I object. 194 00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:27,639 - Good for you. Goodbye. - Well, no. No. 195 00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:31,514 Not goodbye, actually. Not goodbye. 196 00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:36,872 Right, let me put it another way. 197 00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:44,471 Yeah, well... Yes, well, don't think I don't know what's going on. 198 00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:46,352 No, I... Yes. 199 00:13:46,480 --> 00:13:49,392 Makes no difference to me. 200 00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:52,353 You... Well, well you may. 201 00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:57,750 Well, mm-hm. All right. Don't think... Yes. 202 00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:00,189 Don't... Yes, well, that's, uh... 203 00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:02,629 Don't... 204 00:14:02,760 --> 00:14:04,716 Don't think... Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. 205 00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:08,799 Don't think... don't think I don't know what's going on there because this... 206 00:14:08,920 --> 00:14:11,229 - Oh. This isn't the end of it. - Oh, I think it is. 207 00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:16,673 No, no, this isn't the end. This isn't the end of the matter. Um, I'll... 208 00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:20,190 Right, I shall... Goodbye to you. 209 00:14:23,160 --> 00:14:25,549 No. Oh! Sorry. 210 00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:27,636 Sorry. No. 211 00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:31,915 Coming through here! 212 00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:55,356 Oh, lovely. Thank you. 213 00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:58,914 - What did you do then? - I stole an ambulance. 214 00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:00,473 - Wicked. - Yeah. 215 00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:03,319 - Did you sell it on? - No, I drove off a cliff. 216 00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:04,509 - Cool. - Yeah. 217 00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:08,633 - Why? - I was avoiding a sheep in a field. 218 00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:12,797 - What about you? What did you do? - Graffiti on the bridge. 219 00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:16,959 Oh, right. So sort of the punishment fits the crime, you know. What did you write? 220 00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:20,277 Was it your... 221 00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:21,799 ' tag' ? 222 00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:24,195 No, it was class war. 223 00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:27,153 ' Death to the middle classes.' 224 00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:29,714 (imitates cockney accent) Yeah. 225 00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:32,673 Fuckin' right! 226 00:15:36,280 --> 00:15:38,396 - Don't do that. - Sorry. 227 00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:49,194 Nice deep breaths. That's it, nice and slowly. 228 00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:53,879 Right. 229 00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:55,752 Hup! 230 00:15:58,720 --> 00:16:00,995 There we are. Don't worry. 231 00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:06,512 Right, there we are. Don't worry, I'm not your baby. Just... 232 00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:09,438 There we go. Easy does it. 233 00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:13,155 There. Yes. I thought I might help it along a bit. 234 00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:22,636 All right, Guy? 235 00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:26,116 - Missed a bit. - (whispers ) Go away. Go away. 236 00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:31,434 A lot of people seem to know you. Do you work here? 237 00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:35,473 Yeah, I'm a... porter. 238 00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:37,477 A what? 239 00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:39,909 (imitates cockney accent) A por-ahhh. 240 00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:42,190 - A por-ah! - Oh, yeah? 241 00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:44,788 Keep up. Yeah. 242 00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:50,392 I just push stuff araaaaand. 243 00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:54,796 - Doctors, eh? Wankers, in't they? - Yeah. Well, although... 244 00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:56,956 - What? - Nothing. 245 00:16:59,280 --> 00:17:01,316 Morning, Dr Secretan. 246 00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:05,590 Winker! 247 00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:07,915 What a total nurb. 248 00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:10,508 Kno... Nib. Knob. Nub! 249 00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:12,392 You nub! 250 00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:14,795 You fricking nib. Knob. 251 00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:16,558 Nub. 252 00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:18,636 Wanker. 253 00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:21,836 Oh, bollocks! 254 00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:34,879 Right, let's have a check underneath, see how it's going. 255 00:17:36,840 --> 00:17:39,593 Yeah, lovely. Just see the head. 256 00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:43,473 Right. Well done. Excellent. 257 00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,874 - It's great without Guy, isn't it? - Mm. 258 00:17:55,920 --> 00:18:00,436 - It's like we're proper doctors. - All grown-up and sensible. 259 00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:12,390 OK, how about types of fish? I bet you that I can name more types of fish than you can. 260 00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:15,635 Yes, I expect you can. 261 00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:20,476 (Mac) Hm. 262 00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:24,033 Oh, have you seen that new Irish nurse, eh? 263 00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:27,311 Phwoar. She's a bit of all right, eh? Huh? 264 00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:29,749 I'm a married man, so... 265 00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:38,276 OK, here's one. How many kidney dishes can you balance on your head? I can do 14. 266 00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:40,595 I bet you can't beat 14. 267 00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:46,111 I'm sure I can't. You must have a very good sense of balance. 268 00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:49,471 Yeah. Well, yeah. I have. 269 00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:54,875 If I could have your attention please, little people? 270 00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:59,508 Thank you. That's better. 271 00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:02,359 Today we're going to learn a new game called Guyball. 272 00:19:02,480 --> 00:19:05,392 - Gheeball. - Has anyone heard of it? 273 00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:10,116 Well, this is Guy Secretan and he's very kindly agreed to teach you the rules. 274 00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:13,835 I haven't agreed to do anything. I have to do it. It's community service 275 00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:16,349 cos I was a very naughty man. 276 00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:19,392 - What did you do? - Your mum, then I ate her. Next question? 277 00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:22,080 Dr Secret Man, I do have to file a report on you. 278 00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:27,228 No, no, that's all part of the training. That's what we Guyballers do - insult the opponents. 279 00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:33,356 We call it ' splicing the Matterhorn' . Let's give it a go. Why don't we all insult each other? 280 00:19:34,360 --> 00:19:37,557 Come on. All right. Come on, Wheelie. You have a go. 281 00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:39,796 - Cockspanker. - Cockspanker's weird. 282 00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:41,638 - Dickhead! - You're a dickhead. 283 00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:45,230 - Wanker! - Yeah, all right. That's probably enough. 284 00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:47,715 Twat. Right, let's go. 285 00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:53,230 How's it working for you? 286 00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:56,953 It's almost like he's back with us. 287 00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:00,798 That's great. Can you say something really twattish? 288 00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:03,957 - Like what? - Oh, I don't know, like, uh... 289 00:20:04,080 --> 00:20:08,278 Switzerland has the highest average sperm count in the world. 290 00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:10,994 - Actually, can I take this off? - (both ) No. 291 00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:16,158 It's for the younger patients. It makes them happy. 292 00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:19,238 - They're asleep. - What if they wake up really suddenly? 293 00:20:19,360 --> 00:20:21,316 I'll make sure they don't wake up. 294 00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:23,396 Murderer. 295 00:20:26,480 --> 00:20:29,392 I actually think that's in very poor taste. 296 00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:32,994 (both ) Ooooooh. 297 00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:39,831 - (Guy ) Right, what's this called? - A maison? 298 00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:42,599 No! I've already explained what a maison is. Jesus! 299 00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:44,870 An Emmenthal loop? 300 00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:46,592 - Am I crouching? - No. 301 00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:48,790 - Am I displaying a cleft mitten? - No. 302 00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:51,912 Then how the fucking hell can it be an Emmenthal loop? 303 00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:54,952 - It's a classical heist. - It looks like a classical heist, 304 00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:58,993 but when the topmiler is geometrically loaded, it's a... 305 00:20:59,120 --> 00:21:01,714 - (all) Fat chalet. - Fat chalet. 306 00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:04,638 Now we're getting somewhere. Right. 307 00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:06,876 Commence! 308 00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:11,597 All the blues over here. Right. 309 00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:17,352 See that post over there? We're gonna run to that post. Are you ready? One, two, three, go! 310 00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:20,436 What are you doing? 311 00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:29,875 Stickles are orthodox 312 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:32,036 and it's a four-bounce ubique. 313 00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:36,189 Aaaaaaaaargh! 314 00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:41,394 Right, you. No, don't... Shh, don't be alarmed. I'm a radiologist. 315 00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:44,114 - You are? - I'm not telling you who I am. 316 00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:46,993 - No, I need to know what you do. - Do? 317 00:21:47,120 --> 00:21:50,317 - Your job. What's your bloody job? - I'm a laundry operative. 318 00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:52,715 Laundry. Yes, unbelievable, isn't it? Look. 319 00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:55,513 Cook, cook, odd-jobman, 320 00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:57,995 nurse, nurse. 321 00:21:58,120 --> 00:22:02,591 Me, radiologist, skip. How does that work? Hm? How does that bloody work? 322 00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:06,679 No, don't go, because I need you to sign... I need you to sign my pet... 323 00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:08,916 I need you to sign my peti... All right. 324 00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:12,112 - Just wait there a second. Now then. - (car starts ) 325 00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:14,515 Don't drive off. 326 00:22:18,520 --> 00:22:21,557 - (Kim ) Policy review papers. - Go away. 327 00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:25,194 - Have you gone away? - No. 328 00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:28,232 If you're having trouble, you should really see somebody. 329 00:22:28,360 --> 00:22:31,432 I'm not having trouble. What makes you think I am? 330 00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:34,552 - It's just you... - When my eyes are tired, I use eye drops. 331 00:22:34,680 --> 00:22:36,557 Is that a crime? Is it? 332 00:22:36,680 --> 00:22:39,956 No, it isn't, but that's liquid paper. 333 00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:43,396 I know. 334 00:22:45,360 --> 00:22:47,954 Ow. Oh. 335 00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:49,832 Oh! 336 00:22:56,200 --> 00:23:00,193 You surgeons think you're God's gift with your nimbleness and your scrubbing up 337 00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:03,278 and your scrubbing down and your preferential parking. 338 00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:04,753 Thank you. 339 00:23:04,880 --> 00:23:07,474 Well, you're wrong, because I am like the architect. 340 00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:10,558 You are the navvies who just come and do the dirty work. 341 00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:13,240 We are the fighter pilots of the hospital. 342 00:23:13,360 --> 00:23:17,148 You are the idiots with the Ping-Pong bats showing us where to park. 343 00:23:17,280 --> 00:23:19,635 No. No, no, no. A monkey could do your job. 344 00:23:19,760 --> 00:23:21,034 - Yeah? - Yes. 345 00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:23,628 - Which monkey? - Just a monkey. 346 00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:26,513 What's his name? We need all the surgeons we can get. 347 00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:29,154 - He's called Graham. - Graham? Graham the monkey. 348 00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:32,909 - Yes. - Hm. Could you get me an introduction? 349 00:23:33,040 --> 00:23:35,838 - No. He's gone on holiday. - Oh. 350 00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:38,633 Where's he gone? Somewhere nice? 351 00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:42,670 Wye Valley. 352 00:23:43,720 --> 00:23:45,676 Canoeing. 353 00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:57,358 Where's the nudie? 354 00:23:57,480 --> 00:23:59,232 Martin! 355 00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:04,314 - What are you doing here? - I've just come to let my artistic juices flow. 356 00:24:04,440 --> 00:24:08,672 What happened? Did somebody snap your bits off? You're smoother than an Action Man. 357 00:24:08,800 --> 00:24:11,951 I'm the model. I'm strapped for cash, so... 358 00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:15,197 Um, what's that? 359 00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:18,915 Well, I thought that, you know, if it just looked like I was naked, 360 00:24:19,040 --> 00:24:22,510 that would be good enough, so I made this out of some old tights. 361 00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:25,279 Please take it off. 362 00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:26,549 Right. 363 00:24:26,680 --> 00:24:28,033 Ooh. 364 00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:29,912 - (teacher) Take a seat. - Yeah. 365 00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:36,598 - Doreen from Prisoner.: Cell Block H, isn't it? - Oh, yeah, here we go. 366 00:24:36,720 --> 00:24:39,678 Anyone would think the staff here had never seen overalls. 367 00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:44,635 - Do you know what makes my blood boil? - Gas mark 4? Blowtorch? Gingerism? 368 00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:46,990 Yes, yes, and no. 369 00:24:47,120 --> 00:24:51,910 Also cosmetic surgery. It is such a waste of resources. 370 00:24:53,040 --> 00:24:57,272 If you've had an accident, that is fine. If it's for vanity, it's completely obscene. 371 00:24:57,400 --> 00:25:01,109 You know what? I have to say, for once, I'm entirely in agreement with you. 372 00:25:01,240 --> 00:25:03,549 Then I must be wrong. I'll rethink my position. 373 00:25:03,680 --> 00:25:07,116 Why go to such extremes when there are other things a woman could do? 374 00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:09,435 The world seems strange and unfamiliar. 375 00:25:09,560 --> 00:25:14,156 I've never met a woman yet who doesn't look better with my bollocks resting on her chin. 376 00:25:14,280 --> 00:25:19,832 - 100% improvement right there. - And once again order has been restored. 377 00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:33,749 (teacher) Uh, Martin, you'll have to take those off. 378 00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:41,072 No, your undercrackers. 379 00:25:41,200 --> 00:25:45,239 We haven't all coughed up 75 quid to paint a wee elf in his Y-fronts, so come on. 380 00:25:45,360 --> 00:25:49,194 Pop off your little pants and straddle the chair. 381 00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:51,390 OK, but promise you don't look at my cock. 382 00:25:51,520 --> 00:25:53,875 Well, that's the whole point of you being here, 383 00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:57,276 so that the students can study every part of you in fine detail. 384 00:25:57,400 --> 00:26:01,313 - What, including my cock? - Yes. Including your cock. 385 00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:04,318 I don't like the idea of them doing it without me knowing. 386 00:26:04,440 --> 00:26:10,356 Can we have a system that when anybody's staring at my cock, they put their hand up? 387 00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:13,278 In real life, or just in here? 388 00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:15,595 Just in here really. 389 00:26:23,240 --> 00:26:25,435 - Martin! - What? 390 00:26:26,760 --> 00:26:28,876 Wee Willie Winkie's not so wee! 391 00:26:30,480 --> 00:26:34,314 Nearly had my... nearly had my eye out with that. 392 00:26:40,320 --> 00:26:43,198 Yeah, I don't want to speak to you. Get Brian. 393 00:26:44,240 --> 00:26:46,708 Get Brian. 394 00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:48,876 No, get Brian. 395 00:26:49,920 --> 00:26:52,195 Get Brian. 396 00:26:53,240 --> 00:26:55,310 Get Brian. 397 00:26:55,560 --> 00:26:58,028 Get Brian. 398 00:26:58,280 --> 00:26:59,918 Get Brian. 399 00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:01,559 Get Brian. 400 00:27:01,800 --> 00:27:03,153 Get Brian. 401 00:27:03,400 --> 00:27:04,628 Get Brian. 402 00:27:04,880 --> 00:27:06,154 Get Brian. 403 00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:08,236 Get Bri... 404 00:27:09,000 --> 00:27:11,116 - She's getting him. - Did you make her cry? 405 00:27:11,240 --> 00:27:13,629 - Yeah. - You must be very proud. 406 00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:16,513 - You've got paperclips stuck to your hand. - Have I? 407 00:27:16,640 --> 00:27:19,791 Oh, it must be a full moon. My hand goes magnetic, I don't know... 408 00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:22,070 Brian! At fucking last! 409 00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:24,794 Listen, I asked for a two-bedroom house. 410 00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:29,471 You've sent me three flats, a studio apartment and a haystack. 411 00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:34,549 Yeah, thatched cottage my scrotum. What are you going to do about it? 412 00:27:34,680 --> 00:27:39,037 - Redfern Road, nice or nasty? - Hm. Quite nice. There's a tree. 413 00:27:39,160 --> 00:27:42,311 OK, I'm listening. Yeah. Mm-hm. 414 00:27:42,440 --> 00:27:45,432 Yep. Right, OK. Neighbours? 415 00:27:46,480 --> 00:27:49,199 Brian. Brian, what did I say to you? 416 00:27:49,320 --> 00:27:51,390 Hey? What... 417 00:27:51,520 --> 00:27:56,275 I said no old people, no kids, no dogs, no hippies, no farmers and? 418 00:27:56,400 --> 00:28:00,439 No hairdressers! You're fucking useless, Brian! 419 00:28:00,560 --> 00:28:04,712 No! No, no, no. No, no. My price range is not the problem, Brian. 420 00:28:04,840 --> 00:28:06,592 You are the problem. 421 00:28:06,720 --> 00:28:09,359 Oh, just put the girl back on. 422 00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:12,711 Well, tell her to blow her nose and put the girl back on. 423 00:28:12,840 --> 00:28:15,752 Put the girl back on. Put the girl back on. 424 00:28:15,880 --> 00:28:21,159 Put the girl back on. Put the girl back on. Put the girl... Hello? Hello? 425 00:28:21,280 --> 00:28:23,430 - Blacklisted? - I might be. 426 00:28:23,560 --> 00:28:25,755 - How many's that now then? - I don't know. 427 00:28:25,880 --> 00:28:27,836 - Ballpark figure will do. - All of them. 428 00:28:27,960 --> 00:28:29,712 Mm-hm. 429 00:28:35,520 --> 00:28:38,273 - Beach Drive? - Too close to the sea. 430 00:28:40,920 --> 00:28:44,276 - What are you doing? - 90% of notes are coated in cocaine residue. 431 00:28:44,400 --> 00:28:47,278 - I'm cleaning them. - Ooh, cocaine. 432 00:28:47,400 --> 00:28:51,029 - Very rock and... I've never taken any drugs. - Never? 433 00:28:51,160 --> 00:28:53,628 Well, I've had epidurals. They were quite nice. 434 00:28:53,760 --> 00:28:57,036 - And gas and air. And I like Tia Maria. - We could help you out. 435 00:28:57,160 --> 00:29:01,790 - If you're feeling adventurous. - Oh, no, I don't think so. 436 00:29:01,920 --> 00:29:04,992 - Why are you smiling then? - I don't know. 437 00:29:23,560 --> 00:29:24,595 - Stop it. - What? 438 00:29:24,720 --> 00:29:26,119 - That. - I'm just smiling. 439 00:29:26,240 --> 00:29:28,390 - I know. - So do you want me to stop? 440 00:29:28,520 --> 00:29:31,557 - Yes. No. - Well, I'll carry on then. 441 00:29:35,320 --> 00:29:37,276 Do you, um... 442 00:29:39,480 --> 00:29:41,596 - Want to come round my gaff? - Your gaff? 443 00:29:41,720 --> 00:29:45,872 - That's not rude. - I'm not coming if it's not rude. 444 00:29:57,120 --> 00:29:59,076 Guess who? 445 00:30:03,120 --> 00:30:05,953 - Holly. - Hi! 446 00:30:12,680 --> 00:30:15,035 So don't I get a hello? 447 00:30:16,440 --> 00:30:18,271 Hello. 448 00:30:19,840 --> 00:30:20,795 - Hi. - Hi. 449 00:30:20,920 --> 00:30:23,514 - I'm Holly. - I'm Caroline. 450 00:30:23,640 --> 00:30:25,835 You're an old friend. 451 00:30:25,960 --> 00:30:28,474 Not that old. We were together for six years. 452 00:30:28,600 --> 00:30:32,275 We were together for six seconds. And then you put your hands over his eyes. 453 00:30:32,400 --> 00:30:34,755 - Can I ask a personal question? - Yes, you may. 454 00:30:34,880 --> 00:30:37,952 They are in fact real, but you of all people should know that. 455 00:30:38,080 --> 00:30:40,514 Yeah, the question is, why are you here? 456 00:30:40,640 --> 00:30:44,235 Is it because here is where I start work today? 457 00:30:45,520 --> 00:30:49,752 - You're joking. - I know. Isn't it fantastic? 458 00:30:49,880 --> 00:30:55,273 - It's gonna be just like old times. - It won't be like old times at all probably. 459 00:30:55,400 --> 00:30:58,472 I just mean that we'll be working in the same hospital. 460 00:30:58,600 --> 00:31:02,912 Yes, that. Yeah. But that'll be the only similarity, I should think. 461 00:31:03,040 --> 00:31:06,430 I couldn't believe my luck. I'd just come off the plane from New York. 462 00:31:06,560 --> 00:31:09,791 I was keeping a lookout for a placement, and then Angela rings me 463 00:31:09,920 --> 00:31:13,959 to say she's leaving her job here, and I'm like, ' Ah!' Brilliant timing or what? 464 00:31:14,080 --> 00:31:15,832 What. 465 00:31:16,760 --> 00:31:18,113 Sorry. Is there a problem? 466 00:31:18,240 --> 00:31:20,196 - Yes. - No. 467 00:31:22,120 --> 00:31:27,672 Oh, well. What a lot of fun we're all going to have together. 468 00:31:27,800 --> 00:31:29,836 Yeah, it's gonna be great. 469 00:31:29,960 --> 00:31:33,919 I see I've made a fab new friend already. 470 00:31:34,040 --> 00:31:38,318 Yeah, well, um, we have to get off to theatre, Mac and me, me and Mac, don't we? 471 00:31:38,440 --> 00:31:41,034 - Yeah, we do. Yeah. - OK, great. 472 00:31:41,160 --> 00:31:44,869 Have a good time. I should try and find out where the locker rooms are. 473 00:31:45,000 --> 00:31:49,710 I think someone was gonna show me, you know, but I don't know where they went. 474 00:31:49,840 --> 00:31:52,035 - Mac... - I'm just... 475 00:31:52,160 --> 00:31:57,792 No, I'm just gonna point her stupid nose in the right direction. 476 00:31:57,920 --> 00:32:00,832 I'll see you in theatre. 477 00:32:00,960 --> 00:32:04,430 - This way. - You loved my stupid nose, remember? 478 00:32:11,400 --> 00:32:15,598 Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim. Yeah. I just wanted to say thanks for organising the eye thing. 479 00:32:15,720 --> 00:32:17,358 Oh, that's OK. 480 00:32:37,000 --> 00:32:39,514 Shitting hilarious. 481 00:32:39,640 --> 00:32:43,599 You all think you're so farting funny, don't you? 482 00:32:46,000 --> 00:32:47,956 Where the hell is Mac? 483 00:32:48,080 --> 00:32:50,799 You don't trust him. You think he might be with Holly. 484 00:32:50,920 --> 00:32:55,198 - Don't be ridiculous. Of course I trust him. - Yeah, you don't trust him. 485 00:32:55,320 --> 00:32:58,915 You think he might be cuddling her and kissing her 486 00:32:59,040 --> 00:33:01,110 and loving her and fingering her... 487 00:33:01,240 --> 00:33:03,515 Swiss mouth shut! 488 00:33:05,720 --> 00:33:06,948 Perhaps they've eloped. 489 00:33:07,080 --> 00:33:10,470 Shut up now or I will slit your throat, so help me God. 490 00:33:11,720 --> 00:33:13,153 Ta-da! 491 00:33:13,280 --> 00:33:15,236 (sings clown music) 492 00:33:22,920 --> 00:33:28,597 And if he sees you playing puppets again, he will kill you. And I will gladly help him. 493 00:33:41,240 --> 00:33:42,389 (knocking at door) 494 00:33:42,520 --> 00:33:45,273 - Come. - Some... 495 00:33:53,000 --> 00:33:55,673 Can you take that down please? 496 00:33:55,800 --> 00:33:57,631 No. 497 00:33:58,680 --> 00:34:00,750 Well, can I buy it? 498 00:34:01,760 --> 00:34:03,512 No. 499 00:34:15,040 --> 00:34:16,996 Get out. 500 00:34:26,000 --> 00:34:27,956 (mobile rings ) 501 00:34:29,440 --> 00:34:32,000 Mungo. Mungo! Mungooo! 502 00:34:32,120 --> 00:34:35,874 Hello... It's Mungo. Hello, you jizz fountain. How are you? 503 00:34:36,000 --> 00:34:37,911 Yeah. 504 00:34:38,480 --> 00:34:40,152 Hm. 505 00:34:41,200 --> 00:34:43,873 - Hello. - (Mac) What are you doing here? 506 00:34:44,000 --> 00:34:51,475 Hm? Oh, I just thought I would park myself in your space. Hm? 507 00:34:51,600 --> 00:34:55,309 Make sure that there are no car-diac problems. 508 00:34:55,440 --> 00:34:59,672 - It's quite a simple procedure actually. - Oh. Oh, is it? Oh, is it indeed, Mrs Todd? 509 00:34:59,800 --> 00:35:05,750 So... so you would be prepared, would you, if something like this happened? 510 00:35:07,720 --> 00:35:13,078 Oh, dear. There seem to be some complications now, Mr Blue Peter Boy. 511 00:35:13,200 --> 00:35:16,272 - What did he just do? - He just took the gall bladder. 512 00:35:16,400 --> 00:35:18,436 - No, I didn't. - You did. It's in your hand. 513 00:35:18,560 --> 00:35:20,312 No, it isn't. 514 00:35:20,440 --> 00:35:22,635 Open your hand. 515 00:35:23,680 --> 00:35:25,875 Open your hand. 516 00:35:28,200 --> 00:35:30,191 Are you eating the patient? 517 00:35:30,320 --> 00:35:32,038 No. 518 00:35:32,160 --> 00:35:33,115 (gags ) 519 00:35:33,240 --> 00:35:35,674 - Dr Statham's eaten a gall bladder. - I haven't. 520 00:35:35,800 --> 00:35:37,358 Open your mouth. 521 00:35:37,480 --> 00:35:41,155 - Open your mouth and spit it out. - Open your mouth. 522 00:35:43,560 --> 00:35:45,676 All gone! 523 00:35:47,640 --> 00:35:49,596 (Statham retches ) 524 00:36:01,520 --> 00:36:03,272 (whimpers ) 525 00:36:10,480 --> 00:36:12,755 You will not believe what has just occurred. 526 00:36:12,880 --> 00:36:16,350 I know. Mungo's prosthetic cock snapped off inside some bint. 527 00:36:16,480 --> 00:36:22,237 He was too embarrassed to tell her, so she went home with it. She's still got it up her. 528 00:36:24,960 --> 00:36:27,110 - Hey, did you call for IT support? - Yes. 529 00:36:27,240 --> 00:36:30,277 I can't seem to make these words big enough. 530 00:36:31,320 --> 00:36:35,757 That's more of a software thing than an IT issue. 531 00:36:35,880 --> 00:36:39,156 But let's see what we can do. Which words do you want to make bigger? 532 00:36:39,280 --> 00:36:42,795 ' 7th' , ' Robbie's Birthday Party' and ' Balloons' . 533 00:36:43,840 --> 00:36:46,718 - It's not a work thing as such. - It's no problem. 534 00:36:46,840 --> 00:36:50,833 You just highlight the bits you want and then you click on this button here. 535 00:36:50,960 --> 00:36:52,359 Oh! 536 00:36:52,480 --> 00:36:55,950 - Can you make them bigger than that? - Yeah. 537 00:36:56,080 --> 00:36:59,390 - And can you make them bright pink? - Pink? 538 00:36:59,520 --> 00:37:02,273 - Isn't Robbie a boy? - He's gay. 539 00:37:06,680 --> 00:37:09,478 Maybe a picture of a kitten? 540 00:37:09,600 --> 00:37:12,512 Oh, that's brilliant! Thank you so much. 541 00:37:12,640 --> 00:37:14,596 Any time. 542 00:37:21,080 --> 00:37:23,913 - Oooooooooh! - Fuck off! 543 00:37:37,360 --> 00:37:39,430 Hi. Hi, Carol, isn't it? 544 00:37:39,560 --> 00:37:43,155 - Nearly. - Yes! Sorry, Carol. I need that. 545 00:37:43,640 --> 00:37:45,392 Sorry. 546 00:37:46,440 --> 00:37:48,396 - You weren't hiding, were you? - No. 547 00:37:48,520 --> 00:37:52,354 It's just I came round the corner, I caught your eye, and you were like this. 548 00:37:52,480 --> 00:37:57,395 No, it's just I'm myopic. I'm short-sighted. I have to have things very, very close. 549 00:37:57,520 --> 00:38:02,196 Poor you. Because I do appreciate that things are pretty awkward between you and I. 550 00:38:02,320 --> 00:38:06,359 I mean, what with me being his most significant ex and you... 551 00:38:06,480 --> 00:38:07,799 Mm-hm. 552 00:38:08,840 --> 00:38:11,912 ..being whatever it is that you are. 553 00:38:12,040 --> 00:38:16,158 It's just, I think... I just think it would be really nice if we could just get along. 554 00:38:16,280 --> 00:38:20,239 Yeah, no, absolutely. Personally, I get along with lots of people. Loads. 555 00:38:20,360 --> 00:38:23,511 I'm always getting along with people. I have since I was a baby. 556 00:38:23,640 --> 00:38:26,950 - Although when I was 13 I didn't get on... - Now I've made you witter. 557 00:38:27,080 --> 00:38:30,789 - You haven't. I don't witter. - Great, because we could make it as friends. 558 00:38:30,920 --> 00:38:35,948 And I would hate you to think for a second that I am in any way interested in Paul. 559 00:38:36,080 --> 00:38:39,356 - Who? - Paul. Sorry, what do you call him? In Mac. 560 00:38:39,480 --> 00:38:42,392 Sorry, I used to call him Paul. 561 00:38:42,520 --> 00:38:45,990 - He used to call me John. - Why? Were you a man? 562 00:38:46,120 --> 00:38:49,829 (giggles ) Only at the weekends! No, no. It was a silly thing, really. 563 00:38:49,960 --> 00:38:53,350 It was just Lennon and McCartney - best combination in the world. 564 00:38:53,480 --> 00:38:56,278 Until one of them died, of course. Shot. 565 00:38:57,160 --> 00:39:00,152 And I just wanted to explain 566 00:39:00,280 --> 00:39:03,078 that despite how I felt about him then, 567 00:39:03,200 --> 00:39:05,998 I'm not here to lure Mac away from you. 568 00:39:06,120 --> 00:39:08,793 I don't think you could lure him anyway. 569 00:39:09,840 --> 00:39:14,197 Right. No. Well, I'm sure you're right. 570 00:39:14,720 --> 00:39:16,153 Um... 571 00:39:16,280 --> 00:39:18,919 You know, you're so much nicer than you seem. 572 00:39:19,040 --> 00:39:23,113 - Mac is so lucky to have had you as a friend. - Has, has, has, has me as a friend. 573 00:39:23,240 --> 00:39:26,630 Yeah, ' has' , that's what I said. Had. Yeah. 574 00:39:26,760 --> 00:39:30,469 OK, I'm off, mate. See you. 575 00:39:30,600 --> 00:39:33,114 OK. Yeah, yeah. Bye, then, John. 576 00:39:33,240 --> 00:39:35,196 Linda. 577 00:39:46,680 --> 00:39:50,229 No! No, stop it! Everybody go away. This isn't... 578 00:39:50,360 --> 00:39:53,079 - Put the sausage off! Sausages off. - Hey, guys. 579 00:39:53,200 --> 00:39:57,273 Don't talk to me. I've got no eyes... No ears for you. No ears. 580 00:39:57,400 --> 00:40:02,554 Boyce! Leave them alone. They've probably got chlamydia. Come on! 581 00:40:16,200 --> 00:40:18,714 And you are here because? 582 00:40:20,040 --> 00:40:22,952 Uh... I've got no idea. Do you have to have that there? 583 00:40:23,080 --> 00:40:24,308 Yeah. 584 00:40:24,440 --> 00:40:26,635 Right. 585 00:40:26,760 --> 00:40:29,672 - Did you paint it? - Oh, yeah. 586 00:40:31,440 --> 00:40:34,398 - You know, he's not that big in real life. - He is. 587 00:40:35,680 --> 00:40:38,114 You know, you could paint me. 588 00:40:40,120 --> 00:40:42,395 Not got enough paint? 589 00:40:43,520 --> 00:40:46,034 You know, if he's that size, 590 00:40:50,320 --> 00:40:52,276 that's me. 591 00:40:55,080 --> 00:41:00,518 And that's Mac. And I know that because I watch him when he showers. 592 00:41:05,760 --> 00:41:08,069 I've got nothing to say to you people. 593 00:41:08,200 --> 00:41:09,519 - Apart from that. - Yes. 594 00:41:09,640 --> 00:41:11,471 - And that. - Yes. Sh! Stop it. 595 00:41:11,600 --> 00:41:14,398 - Shame cos he won't be able to thank us. - Oh, yeah. 596 00:41:14,520 --> 00:41:19,150 For what? For being a pair of cocky-headed little interferers? 597 00:41:19,280 --> 00:41:23,671 No, no. Actually, for fixing you up with a new parking space. 598 00:41:23,800 --> 00:41:25,677 - What? - Yeah, sorted. 599 00:41:25,800 --> 00:41:29,475 - Is it... is it closer? - Well, it's as close as we could get it. 600 00:41:29,600 --> 00:41:30,874 - Yeah. - Right. I see. 601 00:41:31,000 --> 00:41:33,912 - But we did the best we could. - We felt guilty, to be honest. 602 00:41:34,040 --> 00:41:37,237 - I suppose an apology is in order then. - No, don't say a word. 603 00:41:37,360 --> 00:41:41,148 - Well, thank you very much. - Yeah, an apology has to be in writing. 604 00:41:41,280 --> 00:41:43,919 I shouldn't judge a book by its cover. 605 00:41:44,040 --> 00:41:48,238 I shouldn't judge the books by their covers. 606 00:41:48,360 --> 00:41:54,310 I feel a new mutual respect has been achieved. 607 00:41:54,440 --> 00:41:55,998 So... 608 00:41:56,120 --> 00:41:58,509 So that's very good. 609 00:42:03,480 --> 00:42:05,232 Right. 610 00:42:05,360 --> 00:42:09,319 I know I've been a bit embarrassed about these, but what the hell. 611 00:42:09,440 --> 00:42:12,000 If you need glasses, you need glasses. 612 00:42:12,120 --> 00:42:14,236 So, um... 613 00:42:16,080 --> 00:42:18,230 get your sniggering over and done with. 614 00:42:18,360 --> 00:42:20,590 - Very nice. - Really? 615 00:42:20,720 --> 00:42:23,678 - Yeah, they really suit you. - Oh, thanks. 616 00:42:23,800 --> 00:42:27,315 It's amazing what you miss and you don't even realise. Look, look, see. 617 00:42:27,440 --> 00:42:32,309 ' The implications of article 18A, B and C...' See, no problem. 618 00:42:33,360 --> 00:42:35,351 Fucking hell! 619 00:42:35,480 --> 00:42:39,758 My hands! What's happened to my hands? They're chicken's feet. 620 00:42:39,880 --> 00:42:41,836 Christ! 621 00:42:45,000 --> 00:42:50,028 My eyes. My old, old fucking eyes. 622 00:42:56,480 --> 00:42:59,631 My hands, my eyes, my eyes, my hands! My... 623 00:42:59,760 --> 00:43:01,716 Ugh! 624 00:43:08,560 --> 00:43:13,270 So the woman in New York is a friend of Mark's brother. 625 00:43:13,400 --> 00:43:19,839 And the administrator is only married to his sister. The whole thing is very incestuous. 626 00:43:19,960 --> 00:43:22,554 - Whoa, are you all right? - Sorry. Sorry. 627 00:43:22,680 --> 00:43:24,636 I'm fine. 628 00:43:26,400 --> 00:43:27,992 So, 629 00:43:28,120 --> 00:43:30,236 what did you make of the Big Apple? 630 00:43:30,360 --> 00:43:32,396 A big apple crumble. 631 00:43:33,440 --> 00:43:38,798 - Glad to see you haven't grown up. - Oh, no, he has. He's a Big Mac now. 632 00:43:39,480 --> 00:43:42,870 So basically I had this choice between a well-paid job over here 633 00:43:43,000 --> 00:43:47,869 or something more intellectually stimulating over there. A chance to give something back. 634 00:43:48,000 --> 00:43:51,231 Maybe leaving was the craziest thing I ever did, 635 00:43:51,360 --> 00:43:54,113 apart from letting Mac go, of course. 636 00:43:54,240 --> 00:43:56,595 (Mac) I remember the craziest thing you did. 637 00:43:56,720 --> 00:43:59,393 Not now. Guy, what was the craziest thing you ever did? 638 00:43:59,520 --> 00:44:01,670 - I screwed my mum. - Nice. Nice one. 639 00:44:01,800 --> 00:44:05,190 - Yeah, no, what Guy means actually... - Well, no, no, let me finish. 640 00:44:05,320 --> 00:44:08,232 I screwed my mum up 641 00:44:08,360 --> 00:44:12,319 by doing really dangerous sports and risking my neck for no apparent reason. 642 00:44:12,440 --> 00:44:15,000 - Yeah. - (Caroline) Yeah, yeah. It drove her mad. 643 00:44:15,120 --> 00:44:17,554 - What dangerous sports? - Yeah, what sports? 644 00:44:17,680 --> 00:44:20,319 Well, you know, like... 645 00:44:20,440 --> 00:44:21,839 jet skiing. 646 00:44:21,960 --> 00:44:24,758 Jet skiing? Is that dangerous? 647 00:44:24,880 --> 00:44:27,678 Standard jet skiing, no, but this was the sort 648 00:44:27,800 --> 00:44:33,591 where you strap the jet engine from an aeroplane to the back and let it rip. 649 00:44:33,720 --> 00:44:35,517 300 miles an hour. 650 00:44:35,640 --> 00:44:37,710 - 300 miles an hour? - Yeah. Yes. 651 00:44:37,840 --> 00:44:39,717 Wow. 652 00:44:39,840 --> 00:44:41,592 Voom. 653 00:44:41,720 --> 00:44:43,312 - Splash. - Splash? 654 00:44:43,440 --> 00:44:46,159 - Voom, splash, surely. - Have you ever done it? 655 00:44:46,280 --> 00:44:47,349 - No. - Shut up then. 656 00:44:47,480 --> 00:44:52,395 Yeah, OK. Cheers. It must have really screwed your mum up. 657 00:44:55,080 --> 00:44:57,036 Hello. 658 00:45:03,480 --> 00:45:05,038 Well. 659 00:45:05,160 --> 00:45:07,674 Oh. Well, well, well. 660 00:45:09,520 --> 00:45:10,999 Well... 661 00:45:11,120 --> 00:45:13,270 Well. Well, bloody... Bloody well. 662 00:45:13,400 --> 00:45:15,356 Oh, yeah? 663 00:45:17,720 --> 00:45:19,915 That's, uh... 664 00:45:20,040 --> 00:45:22,918 Well, well, well. Hm. 665 00:45:24,440 --> 00:45:27,398 Well, well, bloody... You bloody... 666 00:45:39,720 --> 00:45:42,917 Now we're alone, I hear there's a room going in your house. 667 00:45:43,040 --> 00:45:46,476 - Uh, no, I don't think so. - All right, let me put it another way. 668 00:45:46,600 --> 00:45:49,876 Now Angela has been sold into porn slavery in sunny Toronto... 669 00:45:50,000 --> 00:45:52,195 - Has she? - Well, you know, who cares? 670 00:45:52,320 --> 00:45:55,471 There is a space in your place 671 00:45:55,600 --> 00:45:58,637 and there's me needing somewhere to be, 672 00:45:58,760 --> 00:46:03,754 and, you know, the problems interweave like a Jacquard loom. 673 00:46:03,880 --> 00:46:06,997 - I don't understand. - It's a primitive punch-card system. 674 00:46:07,120 --> 00:46:10,351 - I wasn't talking about the loom. - Can I have a room in your flat? 675 00:46:10,480 --> 00:46:11,833 - House. - House. Can I? 676 00:46:11,960 --> 00:46:14,315 Just for a bit, until I get myself sorted out. 677 00:46:14,440 --> 00:46:17,159 Please? Don't look at him. Don't look at him, look at me. 678 00:46:17,280 --> 00:46:20,397 Please? I need somewhere. My life's so complex and difficult. 679 00:46:20,520 --> 00:46:24,479 - It's just complex and hard. Can I please? - Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, whatever! Yes! 680 00:46:24,600 --> 00:46:26,556 Yes! 681 00:46:29,600 --> 00:46:34,879 A sabot, or the sabot, was a kind of wooden clog 682 00:46:35,000 --> 00:46:37,036 worn by impoverished French workers. 683 00:46:37,160 --> 00:46:42,359 As a protest against the Jacquard loom, which they thought would take away their jobs, 684 00:46:42,480 --> 00:46:47,110 they'd throw their sabots, or wooden clogs, into the delicate machinery 685 00:46:47,240 --> 00:46:51,711 to destroy its working, from which we get the modern word ' sabotage' . 686 00:46:51,840 --> 00:46:54,877 Yeah, right. Now you've ??harshed my buzz, have you got a point? 687 00:46:55,000 --> 00:47:01,235 If your plan to move in with Caroline is in any way an attempt to sabotage our relationship, 688 00:47:01,360 --> 00:47:05,273 I will hit you in the fucking face with a big wooden clog. 689 00:47:05,400 --> 00:47:07,436 - Found it. - Great. 690 00:47:07,560 --> 00:47:09,915 Has Caroline gone already? Oh, dear. 691 00:47:10,040 --> 00:47:13,669 What was the first bit again? About the... the loom? 692 00:47:13,800 --> 00:47:15,677 Flatmate! 693 00:47:19,800 --> 00:47:23,076 - Where do you think you're going? - You were giving me a lift. 694 00:47:23,200 --> 00:47:24,155 No. 695 00:47:24,280 --> 00:47:29,070 Well, I thought we'd agreed so that, you know, I can inspect my new lodgings. 696 00:47:29,200 --> 00:47:33,751 We agreed nothing. I have to tidy up first. You can't just come round tonight. 697 00:47:33,880 --> 00:47:36,348 - Oh, my God! - What? 698 00:47:36,480 --> 00:47:38,835 I'm not sure, but... 699 00:47:38,960 --> 00:47:41,679 I think I just saw a snake 700 00:47:41,800 --> 00:47:43,836 getting into your car. 701 00:47:44,880 --> 00:47:46,836 Would you feel safer if I came with you? 702 00:47:46,960 --> 00:47:50,919 The door is locked. How would a snake be getting into it? 703 00:47:51,040 --> 00:47:55,670 - Through the exhaust. - Guy, the answer is no. 704 00:47:55,800 --> 00:48:00,237 Hey, guys. Paul's giving me a ride and then we might go and get something to eat. 705 00:48:00,360 --> 00:48:02,316 No, I never said that. I just said a lift. 706 00:48:02,440 --> 00:48:05,113 Carolyn, where's the best place to eat around here? 707 00:48:05,240 --> 00:48:07,913 Oh, uh... 708 00:48:08,040 --> 00:48:10,076 I can't remember. 709 00:48:10,200 --> 00:48:14,318 Maybe we could all go. We could just all go together. 710 00:48:14,440 --> 00:48:19,195 Uh, no. I think Guy and I will just get a snack back at home. 711 00:48:19,320 --> 00:48:21,151 - OK. See you. - Yeah. 712 00:48:21,280 --> 00:48:24,556 - Ciao. Bye. - Bye, bye, bye, bye. 713 00:48:27,720 --> 00:48:29,472 I think I just found your snake. 714 00:48:29,600 --> 00:48:31,716 02728. 715 00:48:31,840 --> 00:48:34,673 Yes. Um... 716 00:48:34,800 --> 00:48:36,028 Yes, yes. 717 00:48:36,160 --> 00:48:38,833 Oh, of course, yeah. Just, um... 718 00:48:39,880 --> 00:48:42,758 There we are. Yes. Yes, of course. Safety first. Yes. 719 00:48:42,880 --> 00:48:46,509 Well, it's just you and me now against the world. Bonnie and Clyde. 720 00:48:46,640 --> 00:48:50,076 Please, please shut up. 721 00:48:51,040 --> 00:48:53,315 Yes, I'm standing by the vehicle. 722 00:48:58,880 --> 00:49:00,791 - Can I sit in the front? - In the back. 723 00:49:00,920 --> 00:49:02,069 - Please. - In the back. 724 00:49:02,200 --> 00:49:04,668 All right, then you're my chauffeur. 725 00:49:21,760 --> 00:49:23,716 Not long now. 726 00:49:31,960 --> 00:49:32,915 Yeah. 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net