- Guess who? - Holly.
Holly split up with her husband and she wishes she'd never let go of Mac.
- Actually, can I take this off? - No.
- Decant it into a... into another receptacle. - Did you mean to say ' receptacle' ?
- I did s-s-s... - No, you said ' testicle' .
You're so much nicer than you seem.
I've never met a woman who doesn't look better with my bollocks resting on her chin.
- Can I have a room in your flat? - House.
- Can I please...? - Oh, no, whatever! Yes!
- (Guy ) Breakfast in bed. - Go away!
You've got that short dressing gown on again, haven't you?
I haven't, I promise.
- Are you sure? - Yes. Can I come in?
All right, then.
- Ta-da! - That's mine.
I know, all of it. Frosties with milk, pink grapefruit juice, tea for one.
No, the dressing gown. How dare you!
I found it on the bathroom door and I put it on.
- It's mine. - I know, but you're scared of my short one.
You'll ruin it, you'll make it all gorilla-shaped. Take it off!
All right.
Oh! Put it back on. Put it back on!
So what I'm doing is I'm stimulating the energy channels, chi,
- by inserting very, very fine needles into... - Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You're not sticking any needles in me.
Well, it's... They're very fine. You're not going to feel anything.
Listen, Alice, you insert anything in me and I'll sue, OK?
OK.
- Is it on? - Yes. You know what your problem is?
- I've got you as a lodger. - No. You realise I can carry off this garment
with a little bit more aplomb than you can.
- Yeah, right. - Yeah.
You... you look like a pregnant pantomime dame. Go away! Go away, Swiss boy!
I'm going. Enjoy your breakfast.
There's a little gloop of jizz somewhere in there.
It's all right. I've found it.
Actually, no, I think that's a bogey. I think it might still be in there.
Madam, good morning. Alan Roderick Statham. Consultant radiologist.
Future Member of Parliament. Where's your baby?
No baby to kiss? Never mind. Come here. Let's kiss you.
There we are. Vote for me!
Yes. Plenty more leaflets. Alan Statham. You know I make sense.
Pop that down there so you don't forget it.
(revs engine)
It's you, is it? Ah.
Local council elections? Tell me you're not serious.
Perfectly serious. Your local independent candidate, Alan Roderick Statham,
at your service.
Yeah, it's nice initials. So is this still all about my car parking space?
- No. - It's not some sort of personal vendetta?
- No. - I see you want to ban all motorcycles.
Yes, I do.
You'd like to raise the minimum age for a surgical consultancy to 48?
- Yes, I would. - That's going to be a vote winner?
- I think so. - You'd like to use my scrotum as a purse?
Yes, I would... Wait a minute. It doesn't... it doesn't say that.
- Might as well. - Well, that's your opinion.
- Off to the beach? - Robbie's learning about the world.
- Right. What happened to Australia? - Oh, he bombed it. And Denmark.
- Right. I'll give you a hand. - Thank you.
Yes, I sometimes do ironing in the back of the car when the traffic's slow.
- Erm... The boot. - Right.
Your lucky day. I've had my sex appeal rebooted,
and I'm willing to give you a second bite of my cherry.
- A ch... Wha...? - How about a rendezvous? Ce soir?
In the bar?
I'm actually... I'm really sorry, Joanna, but I'm meeting someone tonight.
- Anyone I know? - Oh, hello.
- Yes. Harriet and I are going out tonight. - We are?
- You're going out with the swollen piglet? - I am?
- Yes, I am. Yeah, we are. - Oh. Hooray, we are.
Careful she doesn't burst.
Hey!
( music plays on car radio )
I'm so bored. How long have we been going?
It's been about five minutes. What does that do?
- It's... Don't. - Oh. Sorry.
That should be on. That should be on.
(imitates DJ) Morning and welcome to the city morning.
We're driving into work with Caroline Todd
and Guy Secretan on Radio Guy.
Please, this isn't working. We can't live together.
Caroline, I'm not letting you move out of your own house. That's absurd.
- Look out! - What?
- Fucking hell, what was that about?! - Sorry. Sorry.
- You nearly ran her over. - I said sorry.
- Jesus. - Don't know why I did that.
- Oh, my God. - What?
- She looked a bit like Holly. - Shut up.
She did. You went straight for her deliberately.
No, I didn't.
Oh, she's not very pleased. Better put your foot down.
Bastard! Agh!
- Bastard. - New magazines.
- Heaven! - Oh. I sniffed Wayne Rooney.
Oh. I had hoped to get away reasonably early tonight. I've got a sort of date.
No, you haven't. You've got all this lot to do.
Well, I think some of the other girls could help, to be honest.
- Are you slacking, Harriet? - No.
If you're slacking, I might have to let you go.
You've missed one.
- Oh, hello. - Hello to you.
Wash the nasty old germs off the healing hands.
- What? - You look absolutely lovely.
- Do I? - You do.
You look fantastic, as usual, you lucky duck.
Actually, can I... can I just...? If I just do this, I'm just thinking, if you... if it's a bit sleeker,
- you might look like Keira Knightley. - Really?
That is the plan.
No, you look like Hitler. Sorry. that was really bad. Really, really bad.
No, no, no. No. No, cos now you look like that other guy.
No, no. Shall I do it? No, OK. Sorry. Really annoying. Ah!
Irritating.
OK, might just wash my hands again. Sorry, no offence.
Toilet time. What a laugh.
- Catch you later, mate. - Yeah. Bye, mate.
Sorry.
Urine.
- Not mine. Other people's. - (phone rings )
Do you think you could answer that for me?
I've sprained my shoulder and I need this on to support it.
Actually, you're meant to turn those off in here.
Hello? Who?
- Are you Double-D Suzie? - At the moment, yeah.
Erm... Yeah, but she's a bit indisposed at the moment. Can I help you?
I'm not gay either. Well, I'm not. I'm just trying to be of assistance. You...
He's gone.
That's funny. What was all that about? That was weird.
- I'm a prostitute. - Funny.
- What, a real one? - Yeah, a real one.
- Wow. - (phone rings )
- What, you want me to answer it? - Yeah, please.
Hello?
Er, yeah, she is.
Hand relief? Erm... Well, she can't do it at the moment, actually. Hold on.
How long will it take to sort out my shoulder?
- About an hour. - Oh, OK. Tell him 25.
- She'll do it 25 times. - 25 quid, you tosser.
25 quid, you tosser. Yeah, well, it takes one to know one.
No, you're a tosser. You are. You're a tosser.
- You blinked. - OK.
- Nah, you got lucky. - No, I won.
- Well done. Right. There's your photo pass. - Thank you.
Don't lose it or it'll be best of five next time.
Lose it. I never lose anything, as I believe you've just seen.
- Something just flew into my eye. - OK.
It's come to my attention that you once had a liaison with our very own Dr Macartney.
And, as Liaison Officer, it's my job to deal with these things.
Oh, deep voice. Must be serious.
( deep voice) It ended over four years ago now.
Well, I was just wondering if there were any flickering embers.
One of our surgical team has got a bit of a thing for Dr Macartney.
Oh, you mean Guy Secretan?
No. Dr Caroline Todd, she's completely obsessed.
Well, don't worry. I'm not interested in Mac.
Yes!
Yes! Yes!
He said the Barnsbury Hotel, room 28, in an hour.
Shit. If this is going to take an hour and I've got to be there in an hour,
how's that going to work?
- Er... Well, I could do it. - Have you ever wanked off a man?
- Er, no, I mean I could do your sling. - Right.
And I could take you there. Yeah, I've got wheels. Well, a scooter has.
Why do you think you would be a good standard-bearer
for the Liberal Democrats one day?
Let me ask you. Why do you think
I would be a good standard-bearer for the Liberal Democrats one day?
Well, I-I-I don't...
If you don't know, then you're not going to get very far in politics, are you?
I am a politician.
Are you? Yes, well, well, right, well done. Well done.
All right, you're the Member of Parliament for Hornsey and Wood Green.
- Already? - No.
Supposing you were the MP for Hornsey and Wood Green...
- Oh, I see, yes. - I'm a local resident.
I'm a single mum who's complaining about an after-school club being closed
to free up money for local transport. So what would you say to me?
I'm a single mum and my kid's after-school club's being closed.
- Oh, dear. - What are you going to do about it?
- I beg your pardon. - Your party don't care about my kids.
' Doesn't' . Your party doesn't care about my kids. Speak properly, please.
Anyway, you shouldn't go around getting pregnant,
having children all colours of the rainbow,
and then you wouldn't need that thing th-that you...
Not you... The woman... when you were being the woman...
The... the club thing.
It seems to me you're ill-informed and bigoted. I'm not going to vote for you.
You can fuck off, then.
Hm? How was that?
So, just to reiterate, I have no problem with Holly.
- Holly and you, the history thereof. - Good. That's very good.
But I tell you what, shall we talk about this when we're not being constantly monitored?
Are there cameras?
I mean you, Secretan.
Looming over our relationship like a fat Swiss zeppelin.
- Oi. Fat? - Yeah, point taken.
- Anyway, I'm part of your relationship. - How?
Erm, I've slept with both of you.
- Not so much. - Well, with one of you.
- You really haven't. - Haven't I?
- No. - You know, I really thought I had.
- You didn't. - No, I didn't.
But I have slept with Mac, haven't I? Back at college.
He missed his mum so he crept into my bed, crying.
- We didn't go to the same college. - I thought it was a long way to creep.
Anyway, how could I turn him down? That pouty, ginger face.
Freckly little back. Those hairless little nuts. Scabby little knees.
You put just a little too much thought into that, didn't you?
Yeah. Yeah. Let's get on with the medical stuff, shall we?
Controversial.
So, who was the lovely lady on the back of your scooter earlier?
- Nobody. - There was someone straddling you, mate.
You should check your rear-view mirrors more.
- Oh, no. That... God, that was Suzie. - Suzie.
- Yeah. Erm, she's a... prostitute. - You sly bugger.
Not for me. I don't need women for that.
I was just helping her out with customers.
What are you? Like, her pimp?
No, I was talking to her customer on her phone.
I was telling him how much all the works cost, like you're ordering a pizza.
- Yeah, or like when you're a pimp. - No, I just...
- I drove her to where the customer was, OK? - Like a pimp.
I thought I'd wait until she's finished and then I could just take her home.
Right. Did you take any money?
No! Yes. Well, she just insisted that I took some money for expenses.
Oh, right. So you talked to a prostitute's clients, you made a prostitute's deals,
you delivered the actual prostitute and you took a slice of the prostitute's earnings.
- Basically, you're a pimp. - Really?
Yeah, well, I mean, you're a part-time pimp, but you're a pimp nonetheless.
A bloody pimp.
I'm a bloody pimp.
Oh, yeah. Marty? Treat your bitches with respect!
Will do. Oh, God. I'm a motherfoing pimp.
Gah!
- You and Mac, I can't picture it. - Oh, poor you.
He's not a real man, is he? I mean, he must be at least 70% girl.
You see, that's what I like about him. I think he's pretty.
Pretty?
Pretty? Oh, I've heard it all now. Do you think I'm pretty?
- No. - Good. Who wants to be pretty? Not me.
Yeah. And he's kind and he's creative and he's extremely passionate.
And very brave. Always stands up for what he believes in.
- Yeah, well, he's not as brave as I am. - Oh, dear.
I'll have to ask you to look up the word ' brave' in the dictionary.
Oh, would you like me to show you how brave I am?
- Yes, I think I would. - I'll tell you what I'll do.
Yeah, I'll stick my hand in this toaster and turn it on.
You wouldn't do that. You are all mouth and no trousers.
Er, actually, I'm all hand and trousers.
- You want me to do it? - Shall I turn this on?
- Would you like me to do it? - If it'll make you feel brave.
- Yeah, stick it in. Turn it on. - In it goes.
- Turned it on. - Heat it up. Cook it.
- You see. You see how brave I am? - Cook it, Secretan.
You're whimpering.
- I'm not whimpering. - You are, you're whimpering.
I'm not whimpering. You see, Mac wouldn't do that.
I think you're right. If Mac knew that toaster had been broken for a week,
he'd double-check that Maintenance hadn't been in to fix it before he stuck his hand in it.
Agh!
You are such a twat.
Jesus! Agh!
- Did you want me to sign all these forms? - Well, who else would they be for?
I don't know. Someone called ' Dr Slut-knickers, husband stealer,
watch yourself or I'll slit your scraggy throat' Todd.
- Yep. Got a problem with that? - That's slander.
- Do you want me to look into it for you? - You wrote it.
- No. How dare you slander my name. - No, you slandered my name.
How dare you slander my name by saying I slandered your name.
No, you are the slanderer. I am the slanderee.
Oh, Simba, the nasty lady's just ripped off your daddy's nose.
Erm...
Erm... I think that one.
Like the disciples, there are normally 12 thoracic vertebrae.
But oh, dear, what's happened here? Where's Judas Iscariot?
There seem to be only 11.
- Has one of them disappeared? - Things don't just disappear, Mr Boyce. No.
If we look closely at the image here, we can see that
thoracic six and thoracic seven have, in fact, fused.
Thereby...
- Hello. - Oh, hi, Priscilla.
I'm joking, you gullible plonker. Oh, sorry. What can I get you? Chocolate?
- No, thanks. - Come on. You don't need to diet.
- I'm not. - Gosh, quite cross.
Don't worry, Mac and I were only chatting. Haven't managed to break down his defences.
He's holding strong. But then I haven't tried this.
Get...!
Yeah, that always used to work. That and a finger up his anus.
I'm winding you up.
You should see your faces.
Oh, dear. Listen, I'd better leave you two lovebirds to it.
God, you two are so lucky.
Oh, gosh. Need a bit of lip salve on those lips, girlie.
Bye.
And you were in love with her?
Yeah, you want Suzie, you've got to chat to me first.
Erm, who am I? I'm Martin Dear.
Er... M-M-Marty D. Marty D, that's who I am.
Yeah, anything you want. Anything.
Apart from that. Or that.
Erm... Actually, I don't know what that is.
Is that when the woman stick...? Yeah, no, just straight with Suzie. OK, cool.
Yep, no problem.
Suz! Yeah, we've got a motherfudging customer.
OK.
Yo, bitch.
I'm not a bitch, I'm Olivia.
Good. Erm...
Oh, I'd love to, Lyndon. It's just I'm not sure I can any more.
I've got stacks to get through and it's all built up
and then I've got to clean the windows and I've got to paint a cupboard.
Oh.
Well, it's on Joanna's list.
Really?
Oh, well, they must be mistakes.
Silly Joanna. I should get on. Bye.
Hello to you. Oh, Dr Macartney, I didn't expect to see you... No, it's not him. He isn't there.
- That's not him. I know. - Like a spiral, a wheel within a wheel
Good. Now, the reason that I...
Never ending or beginning on an ever-spinning reel
- Thank you... - Like a snowball down a mountain
- or a carnival balloon. - Desist! Desist!
Thank you. Now, as you know, I have certain political ambitions,
and as you are part of my prospective flock,
I was wondering if I could rely on your full support.
Right, let me guess. You're looking to old Sue here,
hoping that she's going to further your political aspirations.
In a word, yes, please. That's two words. Obviously, if you don't mind...
That's four... five words.
- That's Karen. Are you still with Karen? - Yeah.
- I lose track. - Absolutely, no. We're in love. Apparently.
- Wow. Love. - Yeah, love, love. Love is brilliant.
Ah, being in love. It's the best thing, romance.
You're dumped, Dr Dear. I'm not sharing you with a prostitute.
- Ow! - Ow.
- You all right, mate? - Actually, yeah. No, that's a relief.
You know, cos... Cut free from the old ball and chain.
Literally, in her case, cos her name's Karen Ball, and she's got a chain.
Although she's ever chained me up. No way.
Well, I will give you one word of advice. I'd lose the voice because you sound like a...
(hyperventilates ) ..a hysterical child that's just swallowed a conker.
- Is that it? - No. I tell you what,
I will answer your questions, but only in the language of a crow.
- What if I were to give you some money? - (caws )
- Is that a yes? - (caws )
All right. Well, perhaps you'd like to ring me later on my extension.
I can see you've got a lot on your penis... plate... with that on there. G... Y... Goodbye.
Oh, come on, it's sweatshop labour, Guy.
It's just kids we're talking about. I've been out there, I've seen the conditions.
Oh, well, the trouble is, you see, that you're a woman of principle.
- We don't get many of those round here. - Tell me about it.
Martin, is that bacon? Well, I hope it's, you know, ethically farmed.
Ethically farmed? What's that supposed to mean?
All the little Pinky and Perkys get their own rooms and colour TVs?
I just think they deserve better treatment while they're alive, that's all.
Oh, I see. So once all the little piggy cocks and ears and labia are all mushed up
and on their way to Martin's tummy, you don't care, is that right?
Don't be so childish, Guy. I happen to feel very strongly about this.
- So what do you do about it? - What?
Well, if I feel very strongly about something, I do something about it. So, what do you do?
Well, I make sure I buy ethically farmed goods.
Some people might say you're not actually helping the pigs at all.
Some people might say you're only doing that to make yourself feel better.
Well, yes, well... In which case, some people don't know the whole truth, then, do they?
What do you mean? You're involved in some kind of... some kind of direct action?
Maybe I am.
- (Guy ) What, pig Samaritans? - No.
- Help a London Pig? - No.
I break into farms at night and rescue pigs.
I do! I really rescue them!
- I heard about the rescued pigs. Well done. - There are no rescued pigs.
There are. I'll have you know I was on an operation last week.
Where?
I'm not allowed to divulge that kind of information.
Suffice to say that under the cover of night,
me and the others cut through a fence, crept into a barn and liberated a pig.
Which friends were these? All yours.
They have code names, they're called... Twig and Berry.
Right. So Twig and Berry and Bush, or whatever you're called,
- how did you cut through the fence? - With a fence cutter, obviously!
A slashy fence knife thing.
And when you got the pig out, where did you take it?
To my sister's farm.
Right. Right, yeah. Because I remember you saying that your sister lives in a tower block.
It's like a farm, only a kind and happy farm.
- In the air? - Yeah.
So did you get up there in the lift, or did you make it take the stairs?
- The lift. - Right. And what about exercise?
Has your sister got one of those new Japanese pig treadmills?
I take it out at night, OK?
OK, yeah. Well, that makes complete sense, then.
Right, exactly. Fine. If you've finished with your damn fool questions.
Just before you finish, just to make sure I've got this absolutely right.
Erm, one night last week, Twig, Berry and Bush
broke into a farm with a slashy fence thing.
They stole a real actual pig, drove it to central London, took it up in a lift,
kept it in a small cramped flat, you pop round occasionally to take it for walkies?
Yes! Will you stop going on about it?!
- Do you believe that? - Of course.
Me too.
Hm. Well, the thing is, when I ordered a voice coach, I wasn't expecting him to be a her.
Basically like... As long as I don't end up sounding like a her.
What exactly are you hoping to achieve?
Initially local councillor, and obviously mayor would be very nice.
Ultimately a member of Her Majesty's Government,
and obviously it's for the people to decide, it is their vote.
- I am but their humble servant. - I meant in terms of your voice.
Well, less screechy, probably. (screeches )
I can see there's a lot of work to be done, so why don't we start with a few basic exercises?
Yes. Yes, indeed. Right. Let's...
Right.
Hey, if it's not a pig-rescuing evening, I thought maybe we could do something later.
Won't you be giving Holly a lift home again?
I did tell you actually that that was a one-off, so...
- Holly's pretty good at getting her own way. - That's what's worrying me.
There's as much chance of me getting back with her
- as there is of Guy marrying his own mother. - So about 50-50, then?
- That's not bad. I'm off at seven. - Er, I could be there by eight.
I'm not sure I can wait that long.
Can you get a verruca on your penis?
- I can't. Can you? - Never tried.
Pretty good at most parlour games, though.
A friend of mine fell knob-first into the foot bath at a swimming pool.
He was wondering, that's all.
Not interrupting anything, am I?
Just the evolution of mankind.
I did get a big boil on my nut-sack once. I thought I had three testicles.
- Right. - Ma, ma, ma.
- Me, me, me.
- You, you, you. - Moo, moo, moo.
- Moo's a cow, moo, moo, moo. - Mo, mo, mo.
- Mow, mow, mow. - Ta, ta, ta.
- Don't mention it. - Come on.
- Ta, ta, ta. - Tee, tee, tee.
- Tea... No, thank you, just had some. - Please. Concentrate.
- Yes. - To, to, to.
Two, two, two. Three, three, three.
- Let's try ' ba' . Ba. - Yes.
- Ba. Ba. - Ba. Oh, ba.
- Ba. Ba. - Ba. Ba.
- Ba. Bra.
Bra. Bra. It's a bra, bra, bra, bra.
Hmm. Pan... panties.
No.
- I have quite a lot of clients to get through. - No. All right. Yes.
Do you know where I can get a pig?
No, it's just to win an argument.
It would be quite some pig, intellectually speaking.
Oh, no, no. I don't mean like a pig barrister.
- Right. Well, pity. - Why, do you know a pig barrister?
- No. - Oh.
Sorry, sorry. Erm, I'm Caroline. Doctor Todd.
Jake Leaf.
Oh, wow, you're a complementary therapist.
- Would you like a drink? - No, I've had too much coffee today.
My teeth are going a bit brown. Look.
I actually meant a ' drink' drink.
Oh.
No, I'm afraid I've already got a... boyfriend.
You weren't actually sure you had until you said that, were you?
But no, no, now I'm quite sure.
- Arse. - Sorry.
- No milk. - Oh, no. No, no, it's the nozzle.
You have to sort of get your finger up and have a bit of a fiddle around.
- Better go. - Good luck with the pig!
- Shh! - Sorry.
Now, what do you think of this?
With? Or without?
With? Without?
- Show me again. - With.
Yeah, without.
Tits!
- You what? - Are they even?
Erm, no, not... not quite, no.
Do you mind?
Interesting.
- Oi. Oi, Huggy. - Yo, what's up, bro?
- Can I have a go on your prozzy? - No!
- Go on. - No! That's a horrible thing to say!
Well, I'm not asking for a freebie. I'll pay my way.
- No way! - Mate's rates, obviously.
- No. - Come on.
- That's my woman you're talking about. - I want a go on my bro's ho.
Aw, are the brothers squabbling?
- He wants to go on my prozzy! - Martin! What a horrible thing to say!
- Sorry, my prostitute. - How is she yours, exactly?
She's not. It's purely a business arrangement, so she can pay her way through college.
- Prozzy college. - A proper college. It's a feminist notion.
This'll be one of the later waves of feminism. I fell asleep the other day and missed a couple.
Actually, can you imagine prozzy college? They'd have some riotous parties.
- Lots of lezzing-up. - Well, feminist lezzing.
Oh, yeah, that's even hotter.
We shouldn't have stopped at having the right to vote.
I think we should have actively taken it from you and stopped you.
- Not all men are the same, you know. - Martin, can I have a go on your prozzy?
- You can have my go. - Is she having a go?
- I didn't know you wanted a go. - I'm not having a go.
But you could have done.
- You can have my go. - What's wrong with my prozzy?!
Wicked. So can I have two goes?
Alan Roderick Statham.
Right, everyone, listen up.
It's come to my attention that various items have been going missing from this office.
If said items are returned pronto, then I shall turn a blind eye.
If said items are not returned pronto, I'll have to call in the appropriate authorities.
- Is that understood? - Yes.
Right. The office amnesty one-day event starts now.
Or instant dismissal.
Thank you.
Sorry, I just like rulers.
Ah, theft. Technically, I could report you.
No, no, not theft, actually, no. I was... I was copying Mac's keys.
- Ah, burglary. - No, no, no.
I'm planning a surprise for Mac.
I thought I'd just nip back to his place and...
Oh, right.
So just you keep quiet about it.
Grrr. No, absolutely.
- How much? - What?
How much to keep quiet about it?
- Seriously? - Seriously.
- Fiver? - Tenner.
- Eighter. - Done.
What about you, pikey?
Bloody hell, Rach. How the hell were you going to manage that?
You can't even work the photocopier!
Sorry, mate. Won't be needing you after all.
Shame.
Knob.
Knob. Knob.
Knob.
Knob. Knob.
- Knob. - (clears throat)
Are you saying ' knob' ?
No. No, no.
No, not knob... Nobody... This is no... no... The...
- That's a handsome megaphone, yeah. - Yes, yes.
All-all the better to reach my constituents in...
It's funny, though, because I've got a friend who's got a car
with two megaphones mounted on the roof.
Anyway, see you.
Right, hold it, come back. Just a minute. Come on.
All right, then, come on. How much to hire the car?
- Oh, 30 pounds an hour? 20? - No. No.
Right, but ten and me as your campaign manager.
That's a done.
Even if she was the last person left on the planet?
Where am I, then?
You... No, no, well, there's two of you. One of them's you and Holly's the only woman.
OK, even if she's the last woman on the planet
and the leader of the alien attack force is forcing me at ray-gunpoint
to kiss her on the cheek, and I've already been warned,
through an interpreter, that he will blow up the world if I don't, I still wouldn't.
- That is how much she means to me. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on.
I mean, yeah, yeah, good answer, but betray the whole planet for a kiss?
- A bit cavalier, isn't it? - There's no people left, you said.
Yeah, but they might come back. I didn't say where they were.
They might be hiding on another planet.
Oh, right. Well, I would kiss her and then fall on my sword.
- You have a sword? - Yeah. It wouldn't even be a proper kiss.
What's a proper kiss?
No, you tell me your policies.
You can't tell me to be quiet if you haven't got any decent policies of your own.
So it's put up or shut up, that's what I say to you. So... so come on!
No, don't walk off. Don't you walk off. Follow him.
After him, Boyce, come on. Come on, don't walk away. We're not finished.
It's no good slouching and looking round there. Just respond, please.
I want a response. Respond.
Respond.
I want a response.
Respond. Right...
Right. Respond, please.
No, no, no, no, Back up, Boyce, back up.
I want a response. You're all mouth and no trousers, people like you.
Come on, respond.
I'll call you as soon as I... as I get home, yeah.
- OK. - OK.
- OK. OK.
Hi.
- Oh, hi. - Hi.
Yeah, right, OK. Brilliant. Erm...
This is, like, majorly awful.
- What? - Yeah. Yeah.
I just, you know, I really didn't want it to happen like this.
- What to happen like what? - I guess I'm going to have to explain.
I think you're going to have to, because I don't actually know what we're talking about.
This is my little boy.
Right. Define ' little boy' .
Oh, you know, small, male.
- Human being. - Right. Keep going. You said ' my' .
Yeah. This is my son.
Remind me what you said. ' A child is a spanner in the works.' Was that it?
I think I might have been wrong about that.
Sorry.
Hey, what are you doing with your hoody and your baseball cap on?
You know that's illegal in this country. There, that's much better, isn't it?
- Does he remind you of, you know...? - Yes. Yeah, he does actually.
And, erm, there's possibly a very good explanation for that.
Do you think maybe we ought to go and have a little chat?
OK.
- Nice hair. - Yep.
So you are...?
Mackenzie.
( door opens )
- Hello. Hi. - Oh.
- Right, perfect timing. - Thank you.
- Hi, Caroline. - Oh, my God!
- Nice nightie. - No, it's not a nightie, it's... it's a dress.
Really?
I always wear dresses like this when I'm off duty.
- Well, it suits you. - Thank you.
Look, Mac, maybe we should go and talk some other time.
No, it's fine. I was just... I was, erm, returning Mac's keys. You left them at work.
- So here they are. - Thanks. I didn't know I'd lost them.
- Who's the lady in the slutty dress? - Mackenzie!
Where did you learn a word like that?
And this is...?
This is Mackenzie.
My son.
Mac's son.
Our son.
Shit.
Mackenzie, go and see if daddy's got a collection of Evel Knievels in the bedroom.
It's just through there. Go and have a look.
I know, I know. I have handled all of this really badly.
You don't have to leave. Holly's just come round to explain.
- I don't want you to go. - No, it's fine.
You... you two have to talk and...
I'm also very, very late for dinner with my... my uncle.
You're going for dinner with your uncle dressed like that?
Naturally. Naturally.
Good night.
Caroline, Caroline. At least take my jacket.
- No, thank you. No, I'll be fine. - Take my jacket.
I'm sorry. We'll talk about this tomorrow. And we will, erm...
Do you know, I... I don't know what to say.
- That's a first. - Yeah.
- I really like the nightie, by the way. - Dress.
- Thank you.
- Bye, Caroline. - Bye.
Have a fab time with your uncle.
- Mac, have you got a bottle opener? - Bye.
- I thought you'd still be here. - I've nearly finished.
Can I help with anything? Tidy your desk?
Oh, no, I'm fine. Thank you. Sorry, I'm so hungry.
All I've had today is a cheese dunker and the crumbs from three Flake wrappers.
Luckily, I've got a chicken salad, which we can share if you like.
And I've brought a blanket so we can have a picnic.
Oh!
You're so kind! What a life-saver.
Oh, I've got party plates!
- I'm terribly sorry to bother you... - Sorry, I don't know where the toilets are.
No, you... you misunderstand.
Erm, apparently, you've been running one of my hos.
- What? - Gosh, this is awkward. Erm...
Well, it's just that, technically, another chap's ho is really sort of...
Well, you know, off-limits, as it were.
- I don't even have a garden, so... - Ho. Ho as in ' whore' .
Oh, whore. Yeah, OK, yeah.
No, I'm down with the jargon. I know the lingo, yeah, patois, yeah.
- I think in this case it's probably ebonics. - Ebonics. Ebonics.
Erm...
Pen?
No.
- Pedal. - No.
Poly... polycarbide.
- What, the oil-based plastic? - Yes, made the dashboard. No?
No.
Oh, yeah, and I did buy her a Pot Noodle, for something to eat, so I just... But, oh, here.
Ah, much obliged. Oh, and now...
Unless you want a good stabbing,
I suggest you don't be stealing no motherfucking hos off me again.
Yes.
Yeah.
- Oh, oh, erm... Pigeon. - No.
- No. I was sure it was going to be pigeon. - No.
Oh, P. No, well, I give up. I don't know. What? What?
- Penis. - No. Where?
- Right there. - Oh!
- No, it's just my finger. - Oh, you... Well, that's F for finger, isn't it?
- Yeah, well, that's my penis. - No, that isn't your penis.
Look, there's a woman, quick. Get her. Give me the thing.
Quick. Hold on a minute, madam. Come on.
Well, that was much better than a restaurant.
So...
- Harry. - Erm, could you call me something else?
And not Harriet. Ian calls me Harriet.
Same goes for Hatty, Mrs Chunky and Queen of Wobbles.
Fine. Any preferences?
Giselle.
Giselle it is.
I can't believe the ginger floor mop has got a son.
I'm not surprised she's kept it quiet. I'd be ashamed too.
Guy! We swore we wouldn't mention it again.
I'm sure she's got her reasons and we'll find out in due course.
(phone rings )
- Hello? She's not available at the moment. - Who is it? Who is it? Is it him? Is it him?
Yeah. Uh-huh. Hold on a sec.
It's Trisha from the petting zoo. She can get you a pig for 50 quid.
She'll need it straight back after the photos and she's not happy about it being in a lift.
Will you stop pestering me?! You bad nuisance caller!
Oh, the imaginations of some of these people!
Are you all right with this? I am married.
Yeah, but he doesn't appreciate your kindness.
Actually, I should just warn you,
it's been years since I've been intimate with anyone.
Well, I haven't been awake at the same time, and that was with Ian, so that doesn't count.
It'll be fine.
So I'm just warning you, in case I'm a bit jumpy.
- Come on. - (screams )
- Oh, God! Sorry. - Sorry, no, I liked it.
Oh, don't touch me there! Don't touch me there! Touch me there.
Oh, I nearly wee'd.
OK, right, we're playing this hand. I think you're bluffing.
But I haven't got any more money, so you'll have to lend me some.
- It doesn't have to be money. - Well, I haven't got anything else.
- My toaster? - No.
- I'll drive you into work for a week. - No.
What, then?
- A kiss? - I fold.
- Your choice. - You're bluffing.
I am, yeah.
- What sort of kiss? Not a snog? - No, just a kiss.
- OK, I'll see you for a kiss. - Ah, well, read these and weep quite a lot.
- A full house? - Yes, that's right, baby.
An entirely replete fixed abode.
- Fuck, you weren't bluffing. - I never do. Or do I?
- Three jokers. - Jacks.
Four of clubs and a Hanged Man.
Ah, another tarot, Caro.
Right. Well, hard cheese, because you are now rather poor and you owe me a kiss.
Get it over with, then. Not a snog, a kiss.
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