1 00:00:05,880 --> 00:00:09,270 - Guess who? - Holly. 2 00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:12,710 Holly split up with her husband and she wishes she'd never let go of Mac. 3 00:00:12,840 --> 00:00:15,308 - Actually, can I take this off? - No. 4 00:00:15,440 --> 00:00:19,513 - Decant it into a... into another receptacle. - Did you mean to say ' receptacle' ? 5 00:00:19,640 --> 00:00:21,756 - I did s-s-s... - No, you said ' testicle' . 6 00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:24,348 You're so much nicer than you seem. 7 00:00:24,480 --> 00:00:28,234 I've never met a woman who doesn't look better with my bollocks resting on her chin. 8 00:00:28,360 --> 00:00:30,749 - Can I have a room in your flat? - House. 9 00:00:30,880 --> 00:00:33,075 - Can I please...? - Oh, no, whatever! Yes! 10 00:00:42,560 --> 00:00:45,916 - (Guy ) Breakfast in bed. - Go away! 11 00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:49,434 You've got that short dressing gown on again, haven't you? 12 00:00:49,560 --> 00:00:51,516 I haven't, I promise. 13 00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:54,950 - Are you sure? - Yes. Can I come in? 14 00:00:55,080 --> 00:00:57,036 All right, then. 15 00:00:58,280 --> 00:01:00,271 - Ta-da! - That's mine. 16 00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:03,551 I know, all of it. Frosties with milk, pink grapefruit juice, tea for one. 17 00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:06,240 No, the dressing gown. How dare you! 18 00:01:06,360 --> 00:01:08,396 I found it on the bathroom door and I put it on. 19 00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:11,239 - It's mine. - I know, but you're scared of my short one. 20 00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:14,511 You'll ruin it, you'll make it all gorilla-shaped. Take it off! 21 00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:16,119 All right. 22 00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:18,879 Oh! Put it back on. Put it back on! 23 00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:25,388 So what I'm doing is I'm stimulating the energy channels, chi, 24 00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:28,956 - by inserting very, very fine needles into... - Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! 25 00:01:29,080 --> 00:01:32,516 You're not sticking any needles in me. 26 00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:38,112 Well, it's... They're very fine. You're not going to feel anything. 27 00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:44,634 Listen, Alice, you insert anything in me and I'll sue, OK? 28 00:01:46,080 --> 00:01:48,036 OK. 29 00:01:54,320 --> 00:01:57,118 - Is it on? - Yes. You know what your problem is? 30 00:01:57,240 --> 00:02:00,437 - I've got you as a lodger. - No. You realise I can carry off this garment 31 00:02:00,560 --> 00:02:02,869 with a little bit more aplomb than you can. 32 00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:04,433 - Yeah, right. - Yeah. 33 00:02:04,560 --> 00:02:10,396 You... you look like a pregnant pantomime dame. Go away! Go away, Swiss boy! 34 00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:13,273 I'm going. Enjoy your breakfast. 35 00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:25,432 There's a little gloop of jizz somewhere in there. 36 00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:33,674 It's all right. I've found it. 37 00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:42,670 Actually, no, I think that's a bogey. I think it might still be in there. 38 00:02:43,440 --> 00:02:47,831 Madam, good morning. Alan Roderick Statham. Consultant radiologist. 39 00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:50,872 Future Member of Parliament. Where's your baby? 40 00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:54,595 No baby to kiss? Never mind. Come here. Let's kiss you. 41 00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:57,109 There we are. Vote for me! 42 00:02:57,240 --> 00:03:01,552 Yes. Plenty more leaflets. Alan Statham. You know I make sense. 43 00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:17,636 Pop that down there so you don't forget it. 44 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:21,556 (revs engine) 45 00:03:22,920 --> 00:03:25,275 It's you, is it? Ah. 46 00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:29,835 Local council elections? Tell me you're not serious. 47 00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:33,953 Perfectly serious. Your local independent candidate, Alan Roderick Statham, 48 00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:35,115 at your service. 49 00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:38,835 Yeah, it's nice initials. So is this still all about my car parking space? 50 00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:41,474 - No. - It's not some sort of personal vendetta? 51 00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:44,194 - No. - I see you want to ban all motorcycles. 52 00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:45,275 Yes, I do. 53 00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:48,756 You'd like to raise the minimum age for a surgical consultancy to 48? 54 00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:50,711 - Yes, I would. - That's going to be a vote winner? 55 00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:54,355 - I think so. - You'd like to use my scrotum as a purse? 56 00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:58,473 Yes, I would... Wait a minute. It doesn't... it doesn't say that. 57 00:03:58,600 --> 00:04:02,309 - Might as well. - Well, that's your opinion. 58 00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:18,953 - Off to the beach? - Robbie's learning about the world. 59 00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:23,710 - Right. What happened to Australia? - Oh, he bombed it. And Denmark. 60 00:04:23,840 --> 00:04:26,400 - Right. I'll give you a hand. - Thank you. 61 00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:32,869 Yes, I sometimes do ironing in the back of the car when the traffic's slow. 62 00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:34,956 - Erm... The boot. - Right. 63 00:04:39,400 --> 00:04:42,756 Your lucky day. I've had my sex appeal rebooted, 64 00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:45,917 and I'm willing to give you a second bite of my cherry. 65 00:04:46,040 --> 00:04:49,919 - A ch... Wha...? - How about a rendezvous? Ce soir? 66 00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:52,554 In the bar? 67 00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:57,800 I'm actually... I'm really sorry, Joanna, but I'm meeting someone tonight. 68 00:04:57,920 --> 00:04:59,194 - Anyone I know? - Oh, hello. 69 00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:02,392 - Yes. Harriet and I are going out tonight. - We are? 70 00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:05,398 - You're going out with the swollen piglet? - I am? 71 00:05:05,520 --> 00:05:09,149 - Yes, I am. Yeah, we are. - Oh. Hooray, we are. 72 00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:12,675 Careful she doesn't burst. 73 00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:14,074 Hey! 74 00:05:15,640 --> 00:05:17,790 ( music plays on car radio ) 75 00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:22,958 I'm so bored. How long have we been going? 76 00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:25,753 It's been about five minutes. What does that do? 77 00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:27,279 - It's... Don't. - Oh. Sorry. 78 00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:30,198 That should be on. That should be on. 79 00:05:30,320 --> 00:05:32,834 (imitates DJ) Morning and welcome to the city morning. 80 00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:35,394 We're driving into work with Caroline Todd 81 00:05:35,520 --> 00:05:40,753 and Guy Secretan on Radio Guy. 82 00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:43,838 Please, this isn't working. We can't live together. 83 00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:47,953 Caroline, I'm not letting you move out of your own house. That's absurd. 84 00:05:48,080 --> 00:05:50,833 - Look out! - What? 85 00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:53,520 - Fucking hell, what was that about?! - Sorry. Sorry. 86 00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:55,995 - You nearly ran her over. - I said sorry. 87 00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:58,953 - Jesus. - Don't know why I did that. 88 00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:03,515 - Oh, my God. - What? 89 00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:05,392 - She looked a bit like Holly. - Shut up. 90 00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:07,715 She did. You went straight for her deliberately. 91 00:06:07,840 --> 00:06:09,193 No, I didn't. 92 00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:12,153 Oh, she's not very pleased. Better put your foot down. 93 00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:15,596 Bastard! Agh! 94 00:06:17,840 --> 00:06:20,195 - Bastard. - New magazines. 95 00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:30,469 - Heaven! - Oh. I sniffed Wayne Rooney. 96 00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:40,475 Oh. I had hoped to get away reasonably early tonight. I've got a sort of date. 97 00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:43,672 No, you haven't. You've got all this lot to do. 98 00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:47,554 Well, I think some of the other girls could help, to be honest. 99 00:06:47,680 --> 00:06:50,911 - Are you slacking, Harriet? - No. 100 00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:54,794 If you're slacking, I might have to let you go. 101 00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:56,876 You've missed one. 102 00:07:13,280 --> 00:07:15,635 - Oh, hello. - Hello to you. 103 00:07:15,760 --> 00:07:19,594 Wash the nasty old germs off the healing hands. 104 00:07:22,440 --> 00:07:25,159 - What? - You look absolutely lovely. 105 00:07:25,280 --> 00:07:26,235 - Do I? - You do. 106 00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:28,430 You look fantastic, as usual, you lucky duck. 107 00:07:28,560 --> 00:07:33,395 Actually, can I... can I just...? If I just do this, I'm just thinking, if you... if it's a bit sleeker, 108 00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:35,909 - you might look like Keira Knightley. - Really? 109 00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:37,996 That is the plan. 110 00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:44,829 No, you look like Hitler. Sorry. that was really bad. Really, really bad. 111 00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:48,157 No, no, no. No. No, cos now you look like that other guy. 112 00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:52,034 No, no. Shall I do it? No, OK. Sorry. Really annoying. Ah! 113 00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:54,116 Irritating. 114 00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:04,597 OK, might just wash my hands again. Sorry, no offence. 115 00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:08,194 Toilet time. What a laugh. 116 00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:11,756 - Catch you later, mate. - Yeah. Bye, mate. 117 00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:31,956 Sorry. 118 00:08:32,920 --> 00:08:34,876 Urine. 119 00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:39,912 - Not mine. Other people's. - (phone rings ) 120 00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:42,836 Do you think you could answer that for me? 121 00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:45,110 I've sprained my shoulder and I need this on to support it. 122 00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:49,279 Actually, you're meant to turn those off in here. 123 00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:55,354 Hello? Who? 124 00:08:55,480 --> 00:08:57,630 - Are you Double-D Suzie? - At the moment, yeah. 125 00:08:57,760 --> 00:09:02,709 Erm... Yeah, but she's a bit indisposed at the moment. Can I help you? 126 00:09:02,840 --> 00:09:07,755 I'm not gay either. Well, I'm not. I'm just trying to be of assistance. You... 127 00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:09,438 He's gone. 128 00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:12,279 That's funny. What was all that about? That was weird. 129 00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:14,630 - I'm a prostitute. - Funny. 130 00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:20,392 - What, a real one? - Yeah, a real one. 131 00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:22,397 - Wow. - (phone rings ) 132 00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:26,195 - What, you want me to answer it? - Yeah, please. 133 00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:28,718 Hello? 134 00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:31,070 Er, yeah, she is. 135 00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:35,273 Hand relief? Erm... Well, she can't do it at the moment, actually. Hold on. 136 00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:38,668 How long will it take to sort out my shoulder? 137 00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:41,951 - About an hour. - Oh, OK. Tell him 25. 138 00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:45,628 - She'll do it 25 times. - 25 quid, you tosser. 139 00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:49,309 25 quid, you tosser. Yeah, well, it takes one to know one. 140 00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:52,910 No, you're a tosser. You are. You're a tosser. 141 00:09:57,240 --> 00:09:59,470 - You blinked. - OK. 142 00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:03,508 - Nah, you got lucky. - No, I won. 143 00:10:04,360 --> 00:10:07,750 - Well done. Right. There's your photo pass. - Thank you. 144 00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:09,950 Don't lose it or it'll be best of five next time. 145 00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:13,152 Lose it. I never lose anything, as I believe you've just seen. 146 00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:15,350 - Something just flew into my eye. - OK. 147 00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:19,632 It's come to my attention that you once had a liaison with our very own Dr Macartney. 148 00:10:19,760 --> 00:10:24,072 And, as Liaison Officer, it's my job to deal with these things. 149 00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:26,509 Oh, deep voice. Must be serious. 150 00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:29,393 ( deep voice) It ended over four years ago now. 151 00:10:29,520 --> 00:10:32,830 Well, I was just wondering if there were any flickering embers. 152 00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:36,669 One of our surgical team has got a bit of a thing for Dr Macartney. 153 00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:39,394 Oh, you mean Guy Secretan? 154 00:10:39,520 --> 00:10:42,671 No. Dr Caroline Todd, she's completely obsessed. 155 00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:46,076 Well, don't worry. I'm not interested in Mac. 156 00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:51,156 Yes! 157 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:55,356 Yes! 158 00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:58,597 Yes! Yes! 159 00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:02,556 He said the Barnsbury Hotel, room 28, in an hour. 160 00:11:02,680 --> 00:11:06,798 Shit. If this is going to take an hour and I've got to be there in an hour, 161 00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:08,114 how's that going to work? 162 00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:11,596 - Er... Well, I could do it. - Have you ever wanked off a man? 163 00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:15,395 - Er, no, I mean I could do your sling. - Right. 164 00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:21,277 And I could take you there. Yeah, I've got wheels. Well, a scooter has. 165 00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:28,149 Why do you think you would be a good standard-bearer 166 00:11:28,280 --> 00:11:29,872 for the Liberal Democrats one day? 167 00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:32,673 Let me ask you. Why do you think 168 00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:35,917 I would be a good standard-bearer for the Liberal Democrats one day? 169 00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:37,553 Well, I-I-I don't... 170 00:11:37,680 --> 00:11:41,309 If you don't know, then you're not going to get very far in politics, are you? 171 00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:43,396 I am a politician. 172 00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:46,478 Are you? Yes, well, well, right, well done. Well done. 173 00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:50,070 All right, you're the Member of Parliament for Hornsey and Wood Green. 174 00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:51,713 - Already? - No. 175 00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:54,434 Supposing you were the MP for Hornsey and Wood Green... 176 00:11:54,560 --> 00:11:57,154 - Oh, I see, yes. - I'm a local resident. 177 00:11:57,280 --> 00:12:00,989 I'm a single mum who's complaining about an after-school club being closed 178 00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:05,591 to free up money for local transport. So what would you say to me? 179 00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:09,637 I'm a single mum and my kid's after-school club's being closed. 180 00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:13,196 - Oh, dear. - What are you going to do about it? 181 00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:15,959 - I beg your pardon. - Your party don't care about my kids. 182 00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:20,676 ' Doesn't' . Your party doesn't care about my kids. Speak properly, please. 183 00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:22,552 Anyway, you shouldn't go around getting pregnant, 184 00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:24,238 having children all colours of the rainbow, 185 00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:27,432 and then you wouldn't need that thing th-that you... 186 00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:30,279 Not you... The woman... when you were being the woman... 187 00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:32,630 The... the club thing. 188 00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:35,194 It seems to me you're ill-informed and bigoted. I'm not going to vote for you. 189 00:12:35,320 --> 00:12:37,390 You can fuck off, then. 190 00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:41,676 Hm? How was that? 191 00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:57,711 So, just to reiterate, I have no problem with Holly. 192 00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:03,470 - Holly and you, the history thereof. - Good. That's very good. 193 00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:07,673 But I tell you what, shall we talk about this when we're not being constantly monitored? 194 00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:09,916 Are there cameras? 195 00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:12,190 I mean you, Secretan. 196 00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:16,677 Looming over our relationship like a fat Swiss zeppelin. 197 00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:19,473 - Oi. Fat? - Yeah, point taken. 198 00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:22,239 - Anyway, I'm part of your relationship. - How? 199 00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:25,158 Erm, I've slept with both of you. 200 00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:29,273 - Not so much. - Well, with one of you. 201 00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:32,073 - You really haven't. - Haven't I? 202 00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:33,952 - No. - You know, I really thought I had. 203 00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:35,354 - You didn't. - No, I didn't. 204 00:13:35,480 --> 00:13:38,517 But I have slept with Mac, haven't I? Back at college. 205 00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:41,313 He missed his mum so he crept into my bed, crying. 206 00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:44,716 - We didn't go to the same college. - I thought it was a long way to creep. 207 00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:48,310 Anyway, how could I turn him down? That pouty, ginger face. 208 00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:53,309 Freckly little back. Those hairless little nuts. Scabby little knees. 209 00:13:53,440 --> 00:13:57,399 You put just a little too much thought into that, didn't you? 210 00:13:57,520 --> 00:14:00,876 Yeah. Yeah. Let's get on with the medical stuff, shall we? 211 00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:03,514 Controversial. 212 00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:10,998 So, who was the lovely lady on the back of your scooter earlier? 213 00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:13,315 - Nobody. - There was someone straddling you, mate. 214 00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:15,829 You should check your rear-view mirrors more. 215 00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:18,269 - Oh, no. That... God, that was Suzie. - Suzie. 216 00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:23,190 - Yeah. Erm, she's a... prostitute. - You sly bugger. 217 00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:26,357 Not for me. I don't need women for that. 218 00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:28,755 I was just helping her out with customers. 219 00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:30,393 What are you? Like, her pimp? 220 00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:32,954 No, I was talking to her customer on her phone. 221 00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:36,959 I was telling him how much all the works cost, like you're ordering a pizza. 222 00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:39,674 - Yeah, or like when you're a pimp. - No, I just... 223 00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:42,872 - I drove her to where the customer was, OK? - Like a pimp. 224 00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:46,390 I thought I'd wait until she's finished and then I could just take her home. 225 00:14:46,520 --> 00:14:48,431 Right. Did you take any money? 226 00:14:48,560 --> 00:14:53,634 No! Yes. Well, she just insisted that I took some money for expenses. 227 00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:58,356 Oh, right. So you talked to a prostitute's clients, you made a prostitute's deals, 228 00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:02,155 you delivered the actual prostitute and you took a slice of the prostitute's earnings. 229 00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:05,272 - Basically, you're a pimp. - Really? 230 00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:10,110 Yeah, well, I mean, you're a part-time pimp, but you're a pimp nonetheless. 231 00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:12,196 A bloody pimp. 232 00:15:13,040 --> 00:15:15,076 I'm a bloody pimp. 233 00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:18,909 Oh, yeah. Marty? Treat your bitches with respect! 234 00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:23,989 Will do. Oh, God. I'm a motherfoing pimp. 235 00:15:31,520 --> 00:15:33,476 Gah! 236 00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:41,877 - You and Mac, I can't picture it. - Oh, poor you. 237 00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:45,788 He's not a real man, is he? I mean, he must be at least 70% girl. 238 00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:49,037 You see, that's what I like about him. I think he's pretty. 239 00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:51,037 Pretty? 240 00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:54,072 Pretty? Oh, I've heard it all now. Do you think I'm pretty? 241 00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:57,590 - No. - Good. Who wants to be pretty? Not me. 242 00:15:57,720 --> 00:16:01,349 Yeah. And he's kind and he's creative and he's extremely passionate. 243 00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:03,994 And very brave. Always stands up for what he believes in. 244 00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:06,873 - Yeah, well, he's not as brave as I am. - Oh, dear. 245 00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:09,195 I'll have to ask you to look up the word ' brave' in the dictionary. 246 00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:11,959 Oh, would you like me to show you how brave I am? 247 00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:14,389 - Yes, I think I would. - I'll tell you what I'll do. 248 00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:17,239 Yeah, I'll stick my hand in this toaster and turn it on. 249 00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:19,635 You wouldn't do that. You are all mouth and no trousers. 250 00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:23,116 Er, actually, I'm all hand and trousers. 251 00:16:23,240 --> 00:16:25,435 - You want me to do it? - Shall I turn this on? 252 00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:28,393 - Would you like me to do it? - If it'll make you feel brave. 253 00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:30,750 - Yeah, stick it in. Turn it on. - In it goes. 254 00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:34,395 - Turned it on. - Heat it up. Cook it. 255 00:16:34,520 --> 00:16:39,230 - You see. You see how brave I am? - Cook it, Secretan. 256 00:16:39,360 --> 00:16:40,349 You're whimpering. 257 00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:43,278 - I'm not whimpering. - You are, you're whimpering. 258 00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:46,597 I'm not whimpering. You see, Mac wouldn't do that. 259 00:16:46,720 --> 00:16:49,837 I think you're right. If Mac knew that toaster had been broken for a week, 260 00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:55,034 he'd double-check that Maintenance hadn't been in to fix it before he stuck his hand in it. 261 00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:56,832 Agh! 262 00:16:57,080 --> 00:16:59,435 Agh! 263 00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:01,676 You are such a twat. 264 00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:03,756 Jesus! Agh! 265 00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:27,632 - Did you want me to sign all these forms? - Well, who else would they be for? 266 00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:30,672 I don't know. Someone called ' Dr Slut-knickers, husband stealer, 267 00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:33,234 watch yourself or I'll slit your scraggy throat' Todd. 268 00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:37,273 - Yep. Got a problem with that? - That's slander. 269 00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:39,595 - Do you want me to look into it for you? - You wrote it. 270 00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:43,633 - No. How dare you slander my name. - No, you slandered my name. 271 00:17:43,760 --> 00:17:45,637 How dare you slander my name by saying I slandered your name. 272 00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:49,799 No, you are the slanderer. I am the slanderee. 273 00:17:55,720 --> 00:18:00,953 Oh, Simba, the nasty lady's just ripped off your daddy's nose. 274 00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:05,716 Erm... 275 00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:09,196 Erm... I think that one. 276 00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:23,432 Like the disciples, there are normally 12 thoracic vertebrae. 277 00:18:24,280 --> 00:18:28,239 But oh, dear, what's happened here? Where's Judas Iscariot? 278 00:18:28,360 --> 00:18:31,909 There seem to be only 11. 279 00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:37,356 - Has one of them disappeared? - Things don't just disappear, Mr Boyce. No. 280 00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:39,835 If we look closely at the image here, we can see that 281 00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:45,398 thoracic six and thoracic seven have, in fact, fused. 282 00:18:45,520 --> 00:18:47,476 Thereby... 283 00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:07,555 - Hello. - Oh, hi, Priscilla. 284 00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:13,078 I'm joking, you gullible plonker. Oh, sorry. What can I get you? Chocolate? 285 00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:15,350 - No, thanks. - Come on. You don't need to diet. 286 00:19:15,480 --> 00:19:18,711 - I'm not. - Gosh, quite cross. 287 00:19:18,840 --> 00:19:22,389 Don't worry, Mac and I were only chatting. Haven't managed to break down his defences. 288 00:19:22,520 --> 00:19:25,671 He's holding strong. But then I haven't tried this. 289 00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:27,677 Get...! 290 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:32,555 Yeah, that always used to work. That and a finger up his anus. 291 00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:34,671 I'm winding you up. 292 00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:36,950 You should see your faces. 293 00:19:39,360 --> 00:19:42,750 Oh, dear. Listen, I'd better leave you two lovebirds to it. 294 00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:45,553 God, you two are so lucky. 295 00:19:46,720 --> 00:19:50,759 Oh, gosh. Need a bit of lip salve on those lips, girlie. 296 00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:52,916 Bye. 297 00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:58,635 And you were in love with her? 298 00:20:08,560 --> 00:20:12,553 Yeah, you want Suzie, you've got to chat to me first. 299 00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:15,194 Erm, who am I? I'm Martin Dear. 300 00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:20,075 Er... M-M-Marty D. Marty D, that's who I am. 301 00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:22,873 Yeah, anything you want. Anything. 302 00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:26,470 Apart from that. Or that. 303 00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:30,115 Erm... Actually, I don't know what that is. 304 00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:34,438 Is that when the woman stick...? Yeah, no, just straight with Suzie. OK, cool. 305 00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:36,516 Yep, no problem. 306 00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:43,075 Suz! Yeah, we've got a motherfudging customer. 307 00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:45,031 OK. 308 00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:47,469 Yo, bitch. 309 00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:49,830 I'm not a bitch, I'm Olivia. 310 00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:51,916 Good. Erm... 311 00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:59,116 Oh, I'd love to, Lyndon. It's just I'm not sure I can any more. 312 00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:01,435 I've got stacks to get through and it's all built up 313 00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:06,270 and then I've got to clean the windows and I've got to paint a cupboard. 314 00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:08,118 Oh. 315 00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:10,470 Well, it's on Joanna's list. 316 00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:12,958 Really? 317 00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:15,674 Oh, well, they must be mistakes. 318 00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:18,837 Silly Joanna. I should get on. Bye. 319 00:22:09,280 --> 00:22:14,638 Hello to you. Oh, Dr Macartney, I didn't expect to see you... No, it's not him. He isn't there. 320 00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:20,039 - That's not him. I know. - Like a spiral, a wheel within a wheel 321 00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:21,798 Good. Now, the reason that I... 322 00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:26,277 Never ending or beginning on an ever-spinning reel 323 00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:28,914 - Thank you... - Like a snowball down a mountain 324 00:22:29,040 --> 00:22:31,793 - or a carnival balloon. - Desist! Desist! 325 00:22:31,920 --> 00:22:36,038 Thank you. Now, as you know, I have certain political ambitions, 326 00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:39,596 and as you are part of my prospective flock, 327 00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:42,314 I was wondering if I could rely on your full support. 328 00:22:42,440 --> 00:22:45,034 Right, let me guess. You're looking to old Sue here, 329 00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:48,038 hoping that she's going to further your political aspirations. 330 00:22:48,160 --> 00:22:51,197 In a word, yes, please. That's two words. Obviously, if you don't mind... 331 00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:53,550 That's four... five words. 332 00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:00,954 - That's Karen. Are you still with Karen? - Yeah. 333 00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:03,674 - I lose track. - Absolutely, no. We're in love. Apparently. 334 00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:07,076 - Wow. Love. - Yeah, love, love. Love is brilliant. 335 00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:10,033 Ah, being in love. It's the best thing, romance. 336 00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:13,869 You're dumped, Dr Dear. I'm not sharing you with a prostitute. 337 00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:15,797 - Ow! - Ow. 338 00:23:16,840 --> 00:23:20,833 - You all right, mate? - Actually, yeah. No, that's a relief. 339 00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:24,873 You know, cos... Cut free from the old ball and chain. 340 00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:29,118 Literally, in her case, cos her name's Karen Ball, and she's got a chain. 341 00:23:29,240 --> 00:23:32,550 Although she's ever chained me up. No way. 342 00:23:33,440 --> 00:23:38,434 Well, I will give you one word of advice. I'd lose the voice because you sound like a... 343 00:23:38,560 --> 00:23:42,838 (hyperventilates ) ..a hysterical child that's just swallowed a conker. 344 00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:45,599 - Is that it? - No. I tell you what, 345 00:23:45,720 --> 00:23:50,077 I will answer your questions, but only in the language of a crow. 346 00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:53,431 - What if I were to give you some money? - (caws ) 347 00:23:53,560 --> 00:23:55,596 - Is that a yes? - (caws ) 348 00:23:55,720 --> 00:23:59,508 All right. Well, perhaps you'd like to ring me later on my extension. 349 00:23:59,640 --> 00:24:05,988 I can see you've got a lot on your penis... plate... with that on there. G... Y... Goodbye. 350 00:24:10,280 --> 00:24:12,669 Oh, come on, it's sweatshop labour, Guy. 351 00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:16,156 It's just kids we're talking about. I've been out there, I've seen the conditions. 352 00:24:16,280 --> 00:24:19,477 Oh, well, the trouble is, you see, that you're a woman of principle. 353 00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:24,754 - We don't get many of those round here. - Tell me about it. 354 00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:30,432 Martin, is that bacon? Well, I hope it's, you know, ethically farmed. 355 00:24:30,560 --> 00:24:34,030 Ethically farmed? What's that supposed to mean? 356 00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:37,277 All the little Pinky and Perkys get their own rooms and colour TVs? 357 00:24:37,400 --> 00:24:40,631 I just think they deserve better treatment while they're alive, that's all. 358 00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:45,197 Oh, I see. So once all the little piggy cocks and ears and labia are all mushed up 359 00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:48,357 and on their way to Martin's tummy, you don't care, is that right? 360 00:24:48,480 --> 00:24:50,994 Don't be so childish, Guy. I happen to feel very strongly about this. 361 00:24:51,120 --> 00:24:53,873 - So what do you do about it? - What? 362 00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:58,755 Well, if I feel very strongly about something, I do something about it. So, what do you do? 363 00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:02,350 Well, I make sure I buy ethically farmed goods. 364 00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:04,596 Some people might say you're not actually helping the pigs at all. 365 00:25:04,720 --> 00:25:08,474 Some people might say you're only doing that to make yourself feel better. 366 00:25:08,600 --> 00:25:13,435 Well, yes, well... In which case, some people don't know the whole truth, then, do they? 367 00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:18,714 What do you mean? You're involved in some kind of... some kind of direct action? 368 00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:20,068 Maybe I am. 369 00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:22,077 - (Guy ) What, pig Samaritans? - No. 370 00:25:22,200 --> 00:25:24,668 - Help a London Pig? - No. 371 00:25:24,800 --> 00:25:28,349 I break into farms at night and rescue pigs. 372 00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:33,231 I do! I really rescue them! 373 00:25:50,720 --> 00:25:53,757 - I heard about the rescued pigs. Well done. - There are no rescued pigs. 374 00:25:53,880 --> 00:25:57,509 There are. I'll have you know I was on an operation last week. 375 00:25:57,640 --> 00:25:58,470 Where? 376 00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:01,068 I'm not allowed to divulge that kind of information. 377 00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:03,589 Suffice to say that under the cover of night, 378 00:26:03,720 --> 00:26:10,432 me and the others cut through a fence, crept into a barn and liberated a pig. 379 00:26:10,560 --> 00:26:13,358 Which friends were these? All yours. 380 00:26:13,480 --> 00:26:18,235 They have code names, they're called... Twig and Berry. 381 00:26:18,360 --> 00:26:22,399 Right. So Twig and Berry and Bush, or whatever you're called, 382 00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:26,559 - how did you cut through the fence? - With a fence cutter, obviously! 383 00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:29,240 A slashy fence knife thing. 384 00:26:29,360 --> 00:26:32,796 And when you got the pig out, where did you take it? 385 00:26:32,920 --> 00:26:35,150 To my sister's farm. 386 00:26:35,280 --> 00:26:39,478 Right. Right, yeah. Because I remember you saying that your sister lives in a tower block. 387 00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:43,559 It's like a farm, only a kind and happy farm. 388 00:26:43,680 --> 00:26:44,590 - In the air? - Yeah. 389 00:26:44,720 --> 00:26:47,553 So did you get up there in the lift, or did you make it take the stairs? 390 00:26:47,680 --> 00:26:50,069 - The lift. - Right. And what about exercise? 391 00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:53,192 Has your sister got one of those new Japanese pig treadmills? 392 00:26:53,320 --> 00:26:54,992 I take it out at night, OK? 393 00:26:55,120 --> 00:26:57,350 OK, yeah. Well, that makes complete sense, then. 394 00:26:57,480 --> 00:27:01,712 Right, exactly. Fine. If you've finished with your damn fool questions. 395 00:27:01,840 --> 00:27:05,515 Just before you finish, just to make sure I've got this absolutely right. 396 00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:09,076 Erm, one night last week, Twig, Berry and Bush 397 00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:11,111 broke into a farm with a slashy fence thing. 398 00:27:11,240 --> 00:27:15,199 They stole a real actual pig, drove it to central London, took it up in a lift, 399 00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:19,996 kept it in a small cramped flat, you pop round occasionally to take it for walkies? 400 00:27:20,120 --> 00:27:23,954 Yes! Will you stop going on about it?! 401 00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:30,354 - Do you believe that? - Of course. 402 00:27:30,480 --> 00:27:31,674 Me too. 403 00:27:31,800 --> 00:27:39,434 Hm. Well, the thing is, when I ordered a voice coach, I wasn't expecting him to be a her. 404 00:27:39,560 --> 00:27:42,711 Basically like... As long as I don't end up sounding like a her. 405 00:27:42,840 --> 00:27:45,229 What exactly are you hoping to achieve? 406 00:27:45,360 --> 00:27:50,718 Initially local councillor, and obviously mayor would be very nice. 407 00:27:50,840 --> 00:27:53,752 Ultimately a member of Her Majesty's Government, 408 00:27:53,880 --> 00:27:56,599 and obviously it's for the people to decide, it is their vote. 409 00:27:56,720 --> 00:28:00,474 - I am but their humble servant. - I meant in terms of your voice. 410 00:28:00,600 --> 00:28:04,639 Well, less screechy, probably. (screeches ) 411 00:28:04,760 --> 00:28:09,151 I can see there's a lot of work to be done, so why don't we start with a few basic exercises? 412 00:28:09,280 --> 00:28:12,033 Yes. Yes, indeed. Right. Let's... 413 00:28:14,160 --> 00:28:16,116 Right. 414 00:28:22,440 --> 00:28:26,956 Hey, if it's not a pig-rescuing evening, I thought maybe we could do something later. 415 00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:29,913 Won't you be giving Holly a lift home again? 416 00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:33,999 I did tell you actually that that was a one-off, so... 417 00:28:34,120 --> 00:28:38,432 - Holly's pretty good at getting her own way. - That's what's worrying me. 418 00:28:38,560 --> 00:28:40,676 There's as much chance of me getting back with her 419 00:28:40,800 --> 00:28:45,157 - as there is of Guy marrying his own mother. - So about 50-50, then? 420 00:28:45,280 --> 00:28:49,717 - That's not bad. I'm off at seven. - Er, I could be there by eight. 421 00:28:49,840 --> 00:28:52,479 I'm not sure I can wait that long. 422 00:28:53,960 --> 00:28:55,996 Can you get a verruca on your penis? 423 00:28:56,120 --> 00:28:57,872 - I can't. Can you? - Never tried. 424 00:28:58,000 --> 00:28:59,797 Pretty good at most parlour games, though. 425 00:28:59,920 --> 00:29:02,912 A friend of mine fell knob-first into the foot bath at a swimming pool. 426 00:29:03,040 --> 00:29:05,474 He was wondering, that's all. 427 00:29:05,600 --> 00:29:08,558 Not interrupting anything, am I? 428 00:29:08,680 --> 00:29:11,240 Just the evolution of mankind. 429 00:29:12,640 --> 00:29:18,829 I did get a big boil on my nut-sack once. I thought I had three testicles. 430 00:29:20,080 --> 00:29:22,469 - Right. - Ma, ma, ma. 431 00:29:22,600 --> 00:29:24,716 - Ma, ma, ma. - Me, me, me. 432 00:29:24,840 --> 00:29:27,070 - You, you, you. - Moo, moo, moo. 433 00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:29,509 - Moo's a cow, moo, moo, moo. - Mo, mo, mo. 434 00:29:29,640 --> 00:29:31,631 - Mow, mow, mow. - Ta, ta, ta. 435 00:29:31,760 --> 00:29:33,034 - Don't mention it. - Come on. 436 00:29:33,160 --> 00:29:34,639 - Ta, ta, ta. - Tee, tee, tee. 437 00:29:34,760 --> 00:29:37,638 - Tea... No, thank you, just had some. - Please. Concentrate. 438 00:29:37,760 --> 00:29:38,875 - Yes. - To, to, to. 439 00:29:39,000 --> 00:29:41,514 Two, two, two. Three, three, three. 440 00:29:42,360 --> 00:29:45,318 - Let's try ' ba' . Ba. - Yes. 441 00:29:45,440 --> 00:29:47,431 - Ba. Ba. - Ba. Oh, ba. 442 00:29:47,560 --> 00:29:49,471 - Ba. Ba. - Ba. Ba. 443 00:29:49,600 --> 00:29:51,716 - Ba. Ba. - Ba. Bra. 444 00:29:51,840 --> 00:29:55,389 Bra. Bra. It's a bra, bra, bra, bra. 445 00:29:56,240 --> 00:29:58,356 Hmm. Pan... panties. 446 00:29:59,200 --> 00:30:00,519 No. 447 00:30:00,640 --> 00:30:04,315 - I have quite a lot of clients to get through. - No. All right. Yes. 448 00:30:05,600 --> 00:30:08,717 Do you know where I can get a pig? 449 00:30:08,840 --> 00:30:12,071 No, it's just to win an argument. 450 00:30:12,200 --> 00:30:14,873 It would be quite some pig, intellectually speaking. 451 00:30:15,000 --> 00:30:17,878 Oh, no, no. I don't mean like a pig barrister. 452 00:30:18,000 --> 00:30:20,594 - Right. Well, pity. - Why, do you know a pig barrister? 453 00:30:20,720 --> 00:30:22,790 - No. - Oh. 454 00:30:22,920 --> 00:30:27,118 Sorry, sorry. Erm, I'm Caroline. Doctor Todd. 455 00:30:28,600 --> 00:30:30,318 Jake Leaf. 456 00:30:30,440 --> 00:30:34,069 Oh, wow, you're a complementary therapist. 457 00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:37,798 - Would you like a drink? - No, I've had too much coffee today. 458 00:30:37,920 --> 00:30:40,912 My teeth are going a bit brown. Look. 459 00:30:41,040 --> 00:30:43,838 I actually meant a ' drink' drink. 460 00:30:43,960 --> 00:30:46,235 Oh. 461 00:30:46,360 --> 00:30:50,319 No, I'm afraid I've already got a... boyfriend. 462 00:30:51,800 --> 00:30:54,473 You weren't actually sure you had until you said that, were you? 463 00:30:54,600 --> 00:30:57,034 But no, no, now I'm quite sure. 464 00:30:59,520 --> 00:31:01,192 - Arse. - Sorry. 465 00:31:01,320 --> 00:31:05,279 - No milk. - Oh, no. No, no, it's the nozzle. 466 00:31:05,400 --> 00:31:10,428 You have to sort of get your finger up and have a bit of a fiddle around. 467 00:31:10,560 --> 00:31:13,632 - Better go. - Good luck with the pig! 468 00:31:13,760 --> 00:31:16,320 - Shh! - Sorry. 469 00:31:26,480 --> 00:31:28,914 Now, what do you think of this? 470 00:31:30,040 --> 00:31:32,873 With? Or without? 471 00:31:33,000 --> 00:31:34,672 With? Without? 472 00:31:34,920 --> 00:31:36,831 With? Without? 473 00:31:37,080 --> 00:31:39,435 With? Without? 474 00:31:39,560 --> 00:31:42,313 - Show me again. - With. 475 00:31:44,440 --> 00:31:45,953 Yeah, without. 476 00:31:46,080 --> 00:31:47,832 Tits! 477 00:31:47,960 --> 00:31:50,520 - You what? - Are they even? 478 00:31:50,640 --> 00:31:53,473 Erm, no, not... not quite, no. 479 00:31:54,320 --> 00:31:56,276 Do you mind? 480 00:32:09,680 --> 00:32:10,795 Interesting. 481 00:32:13,360 --> 00:32:15,828 - Oi. Oi, Huggy. - Yo, what's up, bro? 482 00:32:15,960 --> 00:32:17,678 - Can I have a go on your prozzy? - No! 483 00:32:17,800 --> 00:32:20,030 - Go on. - No! That's a horrible thing to say! 484 00:32:20,160 --> 00:32:22,674 Well, I'm not asking for a freebie. I'll pay my way. 485 00:32:22,800 --> 00:32:25,360 - No way! - Mate's rates, obviously. 486 00:32:25,480 --> 00:32:26,469 - No. - Come on. 487 00:32:26,600 --> 00:32:29,751 - That's my woman you're talking about. - I want a go on my bro's ho. 488 00:32:29,880 --> 00:32:31,871 Aw, are the brothers squabbling? 489 00:32:32,000 --> 00:32:35,390 - He wants to go on my prozzy! - Martin! What a horrible thing to say! 490 00:32:35,520 --> 00:32:38,637 - Sorry, my prostitute. - How is she yours, exactly? 491 00:32:38,760 --> 00:32:43,117 She's not. It's purely a business arrangement, so she can pay her way through college. 492 00:32:43,240 --> 00:32:46,471 - Prozzy college. - A proper college. It's a feminist notion. 493 00:32:46,600 --> 00:32:50,513 This'll be one of the later waves of feminism. I fell asleep the other day and missed a couple. 494 00:32:50,640 --> 00:32:54,997 Actually, can you imagine prozzy college? They'd have some riotous parties. 495 00:32:55,120 --> 00:32:57,793 - Lots of lezzing-up. - Well, feminist lezzing. 496 00:32:57,920 --> 00:32:59,911 Oh, yeah, that's even hotter. 497 00:33:00,040 --> 00:33:02,315 We shouldn't have stopped at having the right to vote. 498 00:33:02,440 --> 00:33:05,318 I think we should have actively taken it from you and stopped you. 499 00:33:05,440 --> 00:33:08,750 - Not all men are the same, you know. - Martin, can I have a go on your prozzy? 500 00:33:08,880 --> 00:33:10,632 - You can have my go. - Is she having a go? 501 00:33:10,760 --> 00:33:14,514 - I didn't know you wanted a go. - I'm not having a go. 502 00:33:14,640 --> 00:33:16,153 But you could have done. 503 00:33:16,280 --> 00:33:19,795 - You can have my go. - What's wrong with my prozzy?! 504 00:33:19,920 --> 00:33:22,434 Wicked. So can I have two goes? 505 00:33:33,080 --> 00:33:35,719 Alan Roderick Statham. 506 00:33:38,600 --> 00:33:40,556 Right, everyone, listen up. 507 00:33:40,680 --> 00:33:44,673 It's come to my attention that various items have been going missing from this office. 508 00:33:44,800 --> 00:33:48,429 If said items are returned pronto, then I shall turn a blind eye. 509 00:33:48,560 --> 00:33:52,439 If said items are not returned pronto, I'll have to call in the appropriate authorities. 510 00:33:52,560 --> 00:33:54,790 - Is that understood? - Yes. 511 00:33:54,920 --> 00:33:58,595 Right. The office amnesty one-day event starts now. 512 00:34:05,160 --> 00:34:07,116 Or instant dismissal. 513 00:34:12,320 --> 00:34:14,276 Thank you. 514 00:34:17,360 --> 00:34:19,510 Sorry, I just like rulers. 515 00:34:35,400 --> 00:34:37,709 Ah, theft. Technically, I could report you. 516 00:34:37,840 --> 00:34:41,196 No, no, not theft, actually, no. I was... I was copying Mac's keys. 517 00:34:41,320 --> 00:34:43,675 - Ah, burglary. - No, no, no. 518 00:34:43,800 --> 00:34:46,792 I'm planning a surprise for Mac. 519 00:34:46,920 --> 00:34:50,674 I thought I'd just nip back to his place and... 520 00:34:52,000 --> 00:34:54,719 Oh, right. 521 00:34:54,840 --> 00:34:57,308 So just you keep quiet about it. 522 00:34:57,440 --> 00:34:59,396 Grrr. No, absolutely. 523 00:35:00,440 --> 00:35:02,192 - How much? - What? 524 00:35:02,320 --> 00:35:05,471 How much to keep quiet about it? 525 00:35:05,600 --> 00:35:07,750 - Seriously? - Seriously. 526 00:35:09,320 --> 00:35:10,150 - Fiver? - Tenner. 527 00:35:10,280 --> 00:35:12,157 - Eighter. - Done. 528 00:35:13,760 --> 00:35:15,716 What about you, pikey? 529 00:35:25,880 --> 00:35:28,917 Bloody hell, Rach. How the hell were you going to manage that? 530 00:35:29,040 --> 00:35:32,077 You can't even work the photocopier! 531 00:35:33,520 --> 00:35:37,149 Sorry, mate. Won't be needing you after all. 532 00:35:40,240 --> 00:35:41,229 Shame. 533 00:35:43,280 --> 00:35:45,236 Knob. 534 00:35:46,880 --> 00:35:49,189 Knob. Knob. 535 00:35:50,840 --> 00:35:52,796 Knob. 536 00:35:53,600 --> 00:35:56,160 Knob. Knob. 537 00:35:58,680 --> 00:36:00,636 - Knob. - (clears throat) 538 00:36:01,480 --> 00:36:03,436 Are you saying ' knob' ? 539 00:36:04,520 --> 00:36:06,351 No. No, no. 540 00:36:06,480 --> 00:36:11,679 No, not knob... Nobody... This is no... no... The... 541 00:36:11,800 --> 00:36:14,075 - That's a handsome megaphone, yeah. - Yes, yes. 542 00:36:14,200 --> 00:36:18,830 All-all the better to reach my constituents in... 543 00:36:20,400 --> 00:36:23,073 It's funny, though, because I've got a friend who's got a car 544 00:36:23,200 --> 00:36:26,192 with two megaphones mounted on the roof. 545 00:36:26,320 --> 00:36:28,197 Anyway, see you. 546 00:36:28,320 --> 00:36:32,279 Right, hold it, come back. Just a minute. Come on. 547 00:36:32,400 --> 00:36:34,834 All right, then, come on. How much to hire the car? 548 00:36:34,960 --> 00:36:37,952 - Oh, 30 pounds an hour? 20? - No. No. 549 00:36:38,080 --> 00:36:40,036 Right, but ten and me as your campaign manager. 550 00:36:40,160 --> 00:36:42,116 That's a done. 551 00:36:43,080 --> 00:36:45,435 Even if she was the last person left on the planet? 552 00:36:45,560 --> 00:36:46,913 Where am I, then? 553 00:36:47,040 --> 00:36:50,919 You... No, no, well, there's two of you. One of them's you and Holly's the only woman. 554 00:36:51,040 --> 00:36:53,156 OK, even if she's the last woman on the planet 555 00:36:53,280 --> 00:36:56,556 and the leader of the alien attack force is forcing me at ray-gunpoint 556 00:36:56,680 --> 00:36:59,240 to kiss her on the cheek, and I've already been warned, 557 00:36:59,360 --> 00:37:03,273 through an interpreter, that he will blow up the world if I don't, I still wouldn't. 558 00:37:03,400 --> 00:37:06,198 - That is how much she means to me. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on. 559 00:37:06,320 --> 00:37:12,555 I mean, yeah, yeah, good answer, but betray the whole planet for a kiss? 560 00:37:12,680 --> 00:37:15,353 - A bit cavalier, isn't it? - There's no people left, you said. 561 00:37:15,480 --> 00:37:18,233 Yeah, but they might come back. I didn't say where they were. 562 00:37:18,360 --> 00:37:20,112 They might be hiding on another planet. 563 00:37:20,240 --> 00:37:25,394 Oh, right. Well, I would kiss her and then fall on my sword. 564 00:37:25,520 --> 00:37:29,638 - You have a sword? - Yeah. It wouldn't even be a proper kiss. 565 00:37:29,760 --> 00:37:31,716 What's a proper kiss? 566 00:37:39,960 --> 00:37:41,632 No, you tell me your policies. 567 00:37:41,760 --> 00:37:45,230 You can't tell me to be quiet if you haven't got any decent policies of your own. 568 00:37:45,360 --> 00:37:49,273 So it's put up or shut up, that's what I say to you. So... so come on! 569 00:37:49,400 --> 00:37:52,358 No, don't walk off. Don't you walk off. Follow him. 570 00:37:52,480 --> 00:37:55,631 After him, Boyce, come on. Come on, don't walk away. We're not finished. 571 00:37:55,760 --> 00:37:59,639 It's no good slouching and looking round there. Just respond, please. 572 00:37:59,760 --> 00:38:02,752 I want a response. Respond. 573 00:38:03,600 --> 00:38:05,556 Respond. 574 00:38:05,680 --> 00:38:07,875 I want a response. 575 00:38:08,000 --> 00:38:10,912 Respond. Right... 576 00:38:11,040 --> 00:38:13,634 Right. Respond, please. 577 00:38:13,760 --> 00:38:16,433 No, no, no, no, Back up, Boyce, back up. 578 00:38:16,560 --> 00:38:19,870 I want a response. You're all mouth and no trousers, people like you. 579 00:38:20,000 --> 00:38:21,558 Come on, respond. 580 00:38:22,880 --> 00:38:25,440 I'll call you as soon as I... as I get home, yeah. 581 00:38:25,560 --> 00:38:26,629 - OK. - OK. 582 00:38:26,760 --> 00:38:29,115 - OK. - OK. OK. 583 00:38:38,840 --> 00:38:40,319 Hi. 584 00:38:40,440 --> 00:38:42,192 - Oh, hi. - Hi. 585 00:38:42,320 --> 00:38:45,198 Yeah, right, OK. Brilliant. Erm... 586 00:38:46,280 --> 00:38:48,350 This is, like, majorly awful. 587 00:38:48,480 --> 00:38:50,994 - What? - Yeah. Yeah. 588 00:38:51,120 --> 00:38:54,157 I just, you know, I really didn't want it to happen like this. 589 00:38:54,280 --> 00:38:57,477 - What to happen like what? - I guess I'm going to have to explain. 590 00:38:57,600 --> 00:39:03,596 I think you're going to have to, because I don't actually know what we're talking about. 591 00:39:05,920 --> 00:39:07,831 This is my little boy. 592 00:39:08,760 --> 00:39:11,399 Right. Define ' little boy' . 593 00:39:11,520 --> 00:39:14,557 Oh, you know, small, male. 594 00:39:14,680 --> 00:39:18,514 - Human being. - Right. Keep going. You said ' my' . 595 00:39:18,640 --> 00:39:20,790 Yeah. This is my son. 596 00:39:23,880 --> 00:39:29,591 Remind me what you said. ' A child is a spanner in the works.' Was that it? 597 00:39:29,720 --> 00:39:32,234 I think I might have been wrong about that. 598 00:39:32,360 --> 00:39:33,952 Sorry. 599 00:39:34,080 --> 00:39:39,950 Hey, what are you doing with your hoody and your baseball cap on? 600 00:39:40,080 --> 00:39:44,232 You know that's illegal in this country. There, that's much better, isn't it? 601 00:39:44,360 --> 00:39:49,275 - Does he remind you of, you know...? - Yes. Yeah, he does actually. 602 00:39:49,400 --> 00:39:52,631 And, erm, there's possibly a very good explanation for that. 603 00:39:52,760 --> 00:39:55,035 Do you think maybe we ought to go and have a little chat? 604 00:39:55,160 --> 00:39:57,355 OK. 605 00:40:00,360 --> 00:40:02,316 - Nice hair. - Yep. 606 00:40:04,360 --> 00:40:06,430 So you are...? 607 00:40:06,560 --> 00:40:08,516 Mackenzie. 608 00:40:09,960 --> 00:40:11,916 Mackenzie. 609 00:40:29,840 --> 00:40:31,876 ( door opens ) 610 00:40:38,520 --> 00:40:40,476 - Hello. Hi. - Oh. 611 00:40:41,040 --> 00:40:44,032 - Right, perfect timing. - Thank you. 612 00:40:44,160 --> 00:40:46,594 - Hi, Caroline. - Oh, my God! 613 00:40:48,360 --> 00:40:51,158 - Nice nightie. - No, it's not a nightie, it's... it's a dress. 614 00:40:51,280 --> 00:40:52,030 Really? 615 00:40:52,160 --> 00:40:55,038 I always wear dresses like this when I'm off duty. 616 00:40:55,160 --> 00:40:57,549 - Well, it suits you. - Thank you. 617 00:40:57,680 --> 00:41:00,035 Look, Mac, maybe we should go and talk some other time. 618 00:41:00,160 --> 00:41:05,553 No, it's fine. I was just... I was, erm, returning Mac's keys. You left them at work. 619 00:41:05,680 --> 00:41:09,070 - So here they are. - Thanks. I didn't know I'd lost them. 620 00:41:09,200 --> 00:41:12,988 - Who's the lady in the slutty dress? - Mackenzie! 621 00:41:13,120 --> 00:41:15,554 Where did you learn a word like that? 622 00:41:16,240 --> 00:41:18,515 And this is...? 623 00:41:18,640 --> 00:41:20,517 This is Mackenzie. 624 00:41:20,640 --> 00:41:22,471 My son. 625 00:41:23,320 --> 00:41:25,595 Mac's son. 626 00:41:25,720 --> 00:41:27,711 Our son. 627 00:41:28,400 --> 00:41:30,038 Shit. 628 00:41:30,160 --> 00:41:34,472 Mackenzie, go and see if daddy's got a collection of Evel Knievels in the bedroom. 629 00:41:34,600 --> 00:41:38,513 It's just through there. Go and have a look. 630 00:41:38,640 --> 00:41:41,757 I know, I know. I have handled all of this really badly. 631 00:41:41,880 --> 00:41:44,348 You don't have to leave. Holly's just come round to explain. 632 00:41:44,480 --> 00:41:46,038 - I don't want you to go. - No, it's fine. 633 00:41:46,160 --> 00:41:48,435 You... you two have to talk and... 634 00:41:48,560 --> 00:41:53,759 I'm also very, very late for dinner with my... my uncle. 635 00:41:53,880 --> 00:41:56,394 You're going for dinner with your uncle dressed like that? 636 00:41:56,520 --> 00:41:58,988 Naturally. Naturally. 637 00:41:59,120 --> 00:42:00,473 Good night. 638 00:42:00,600 --> 00:42:03,672 Caroline, Caroline. At least take my jacket. 639 00:42:03,800 --> 00:42:07,110 - No, thank you. No, I'll be fine. - Take my jacket. 640 00:42:07,240 --> 00:42:10,630 I'm sorry. We'll talk about this tomorrow. And we will, erm... 641 00:42:10,760 --> 00:42:13,149 Do you know, I... I don't know what to say. 642 00:42:13,280 --> 00:42:15,191 - That's a first. - Yeah. 643 00:42:15,320 --> 00:42:17,788 - I really like the nightie, by the way. - Dress. 644 00:42:17,920 --> 00:42:18,909 - Dress. - Thank you. 645 00:42:19,040 --> 00:42:20,359 - Bye, Caroline. - Bye. 646 00:42:20,480 --> 00:42:23,153 Have a fab time with your uncle. 647 00:42:23,280 --> 00:42:26,636 - Mac, have you got a bottle opener? - Bye. 648 00:42:30,360 --> 00:42:33,397 - I thought you'd still be here. - I've nearly finished. 649 00:42:33,520 --> 00:42:35,715 Can I help with anything? Tidy your desk? 650 00:42:35,840 --> 00:42:39,310 Oh, no, I'm fine. Thank you. Sorry, I'm so hungry. 651 00:42:39,440 --> 00:42:43,274 All I've had today is a cheese dunker and the crumbs from three Flake wrappers. 652 00:42:43,400 --> 00:42:48,599 Luckily, I've got a chicken salad, which we can share if you like. 653 00:42:48,720 --> 00:42:52,429 And I've brought a blanket so we can have a picnic. 654 00:42:52,560 --> 00:42:53,754 Oh! 655 00:42:53,880 --> 00:42:57,509 You're so kind! What a life-saver. 656 00:42:58,560 --> 00:43:00,710 Oh, I've got party plates! 657 00:43:07,000 --> 00:43:09,992 - I'm terribly sorry to bother you... - Sorry, I don't know where the toilets are. 658 00:43:10,120 --> 00:43:11,678 No, you... you misunderstand. 659 00:43:11,800 --> 00:43:15,554 Erm, apparently, you've been running one of my hos. 660 00:43:15,680 --> 00:43:18,877 - What? - Gosh, this is awkward. Erm... 661 00:43:19,000 --> 00:43:23,118 Well, it's just that, technically, another chap's ho is really sort of... 662 00:43:23,240 --> 00:43:25,595 Well, you know, off-limits, as it were. 663 00:43:25,720 --> 00:43:29,918 - I don't even have a garden, so... - Ho. Ho as in ' whore' . 664 00:43:30,040 --> 00:43:32,395 Oh, whore. Yeah, OK, yeah. 665 00:43:32,520 --> 00:43:35,956 No, I'm down with the jargon. I know the lingo, yeah, patois, yeah. 666 00:43:36,080 --> 00:43:41,234 - I think in this case it's probably ebonics. - Ebonics. Ebonics. 667 00:43:42,440 --> 00:43:44,749 Erm... 668 00:43:44,880 --> 00:43:46,472 Pen? 669 00:43:46,600 --> 00:43:48,556 No. 670 00:43:49,480 --> 00:43:51,436 - Pedal. - No. 671 00:43:52,480 --> 00:43:54,789 Poly... polycarbide. 672 00:43:54,920 --> 00:43:58,151 - What, the oil-based plastic? - Yes, made the dashboard. No? 673 00:43:58,280 --> 00:43:59,633 No. 674 00:43:59,760 --> 00:44:04,356 Oh, yeah, and I did buy her a Pot Noodle, for something to eat, so I just... But, oh, here. 675 00:44:04,480 --> 00:44:07,517 Ah, much obliged. Oh, and now... 676 00:44:07,640 --> 00:44:09,198 Unless you want a good stabbing, 677 00:44:09,320 --> 00:44:13,108 I suggest you don't be stealing no motherfucking hos off me again. 678 00:44:13,240 --> 00:44:15,196 Yes. 679 00:44:17,760 --> 00:44:19,716 Yeah. 680 00:44:20,600 --> 00:44:23,717 - Oh, oh, erm... Pigeon. - No. 681 00:44:23,840 --> 00:44:26,673 - No. I was sure it was going to be pigeon. - No. 682 00:44:26,800 --> 00:44:31,590 Oh, P. No, well, I give up. I don't know. What? What? 683 00:44:31,720 --> 00:44:33,870 - Penis. - No. Where? 684 00:44:34,000 --> 00:44:35,797 - Right there. - Oh! 685 00:44:35,920 --> 00:44:39,435 - No, it's just my finger. - Oh, you... Well, that's F for finger, isn't it? 686 00:44:39,560 --> 00:44:41,949 - Yeah, well, that's my penis. - No, that isn't your penis. 687 00:44:42,080 --> 00:44:45,789 Look, there's a woman, quick. Get her. Give me the thing. 688 00:44:45,920 --> 00:44:48,673 Quick. Hold on a minute, madam. Come on. 689 00:44:50,680 --> 00:44:54,719 Well, that was much better than a restaurant. 690 00:44:54,840 --> 00:44:57,035 So... 691 00:44:57,160 --> 00:45:01,631 - Harry. - Erm, could you call me something else? 692 00:45:01,760 --> 00:45:04,149 And not Harriet. Ian calls me Harriet. 693 00:45:04,280 --> 00:45:08,637 Same goes for Hatty, Mrs Chunky and Queen of Wobbles. 694 00:45:09,440 --> 00:45:12,716 Fine. Any preferences? 695 00:45:12,840 --> 00:45:14,717 Giselle. 696 00:45:14,840 --> 00:45:16,478 Giselle it is. 697 00:45:20,280 --> 00:45:24,319 I can't believe the ginger floor mop has got a son. 698 00:45:25,280 --> 00:45:29,592 I'm not surprised she's kept it quiet. I'd be ashamed too. 699 00:45:29,720 --> 00:45:32,712 Guy! We swore we wouldn't mention it again. 700 00:45:32,840 --> 00:45:35,877 I'm sure she's got her reasons and we'll find out in due course. 701 00:45:36,000 --> 00:45:38,434 (phone rings ) 702 00:45:38,560 --> 00:45:42,394 - Hello? She's not available at the moment. - Who is it? Who is it? Is it him? Is it him? 703 00:45:42,520 --> 00:45:44,351 Yeah. Uh-huh. Hold on a sec. 704 00:45:44,480 --> 00:45:48,359 It's Trisha from the petting zoo. She can get you a pig for 50 quid. 705 00:45:48,480 --> 00:45:54,635 She'll need it straight back after the photos and she's not happy about it being in a lift. 706 00:45:54,760 --> 00:45:59,515 Will you stop pestering me?! You bad nuisance caller! 707 00:45:59,640 --> 00:46:03,679 Oh, the imaginations of some of these people! 708 00:46:07,000 --> 00:46:10,117 Are you all right with this? I am married. 709 00:46:10,240 --> 00:46:14,552 Yeah, but he doesn't appreciate your kindness. 710 00:46:19,320 --> 00:46:22,118 Actually, I should just warn you, 711 00:46:22,240 --> 00:46:26,995 it's been years since I've been intimate with anyone. 712 00:46:27,120 --> 00:46:31,079 Well, I haven't been awake at the same time, and that was with Ian, so that doesn't count. 713 00:46:31,200 --> 00:46:32,269 It'll be fine. 714 00:46:32,400 --> 00:46:34,436 So I'm just warning you, in case I'm a bit jumpy. 715 00:46:34,560 --> 00:46:36,278 - Come on. - (screams ) 716 00:46:36,400 --> 00:46:39,437 - Oh, God! Sorry. - Sorry, no, I liked it. 717 00:46:43,080 --> 00:46:48,234 Oh, don't touch me there! Don't touch me there! Touch me there. 718 00:46:54,360 --> 00:46:56,954 Oh, I nearly wee'd. 719 00:46:57,080 --> 00:47:00,436 OK, right, we're playing this hand. I think you're bluffing. 720 00:47:00,560 --> 00:47:02,551 But I haven't got any more money, so you'll have to lend me some. 721 00:47:02,680 --> 00:47:05,638 - It doesn't have to be money. - Well, I haven't got anything else. 722 00:47:05,760 --> 00:47:07,955 - My toaster? - No. 723 00:47:08,080 --> 00:47:10,753 - I'll drive you into work for a week. - No. 724 00:47:10,880 --> 00:47:13,030 What, then? 725 00:47:14,840 --> 00:47:16,751 - A kiss? - I fold. 726 00:47:16,880 --> 00:47:18,598 - Your choice. - You're bluffing. 727 00:47:18,720 --> 00:47:20,153 I am, yeah. 728 00:47:21,960 --> 00:47:25,635 - What sort of kiss? Not a snog? - No, just a kiss. 729 00:47:32,560 --> 00:47:39,113 - OK, I'll see you for a kiss. - Ah, well, read these and weep quite a lot. 730 00:47:42,760 --> 00:47:44,716 - A full house? - Yes, that's right, baby. 731 00:47:44,840 --> 00:47:46,796 An entirely replete fixed abode. 732 00:47:46,920 --> 00:47:51,277 - Fuck, you weren't bluffing. - I never do. Or do I? 733 00:47:55,200 --> 00:47:57,111 - Three jokers. - Jacks. 734 00:47:57,240 --> 00:47:59,470 Four of clubs and a Hanged Man. 735 00:47:59,600 --> 00:48:02,433 Ah, another tarot, Caro. 736 00:48:02,560 --> 00:48:08,510 Right. Well, hard cheese, because you are now rather poor and you owe me a kiss. 737 00:48:12,880 --> 00:48:17,032 Get it over with, then. Not a snog, a kiss. 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net