1 00:00:03,560 --> 00:00:06,154 God, you two are so lucky. 2 00:00:07,320 --> 00:00:10,471 Oh, gosh. Need a bit of lip salve on those lips, girlie. 3 00:00:10,600 --> 00:00:11,555 Knob. 4 00:00:11,680 --> 00:00:13,398 (clears throat) 5 00:00:13,520 --> 00:00:14,748 Oh, come on, Mum. 6 00:00:14,880 --> 00:00:17,519 Don't you ever say that word. 7 00:00:17,640 --> 00:00:19,835 Oh. Doctor Todd. 8 00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:21,234 Jake Leaf. 9 00:00:21,360 --> 00:00:23,476 Can you get a verruca on your penis? 10 00:00:23,600 --> 00:00:26,512 This is Mackenzie, my son. 11 00:00:28,280 --> 00:00:30,032 Mac's son. 12 00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:37,154 Don't touch me there! Don't touch me... Touch me there. 13 00:00:46,120 --> 00:00:47,712 (knocking) 14 00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:49,910 (Caroline) Guy, are you awake? 15 00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:54,798 - You back for more? - The boiler's broken. I need you to fix it. 16 00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:58,071 Are you back for more, or have you got my breakfast? 17 00:00:58,200 --> 00:01:01,715 Can I just say, nothing happened last night. It was just a kiss. 18 00:01:01,840 --> 00:01:04,434 - I don't remember it and neither do you. - I remember it. 19 00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:07,632 No. No, you don't. There's no future and there's no history. 20 00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:12,311 - There's biology. - No. Can you fix the boiler? Please? 21 00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:16,476 Oh, I remember it. 22 00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:32,715 - Whoa. - Yes. 23 00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:36,628 I've been thinking. The very last thing I want to do is put any pressure on you... 24 00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:40,639 You know what? That stethoscope is almost identical to mine. 25 00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:43,228 Tell you what, if you want to be like a real doctor, 26 00:01:43,360 --> 00:01:46,716 stick it round there and wear it round your neck. 27 00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:50,116 That is uncanny. We could... we could almost be related. 28 00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:54,119 - It's freezing in here! - Come and fix my boiler! 29 00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:57,720 Have a bit more sleep, I'll be back in a minute. 30 00:01:57,840 --> 00:02:02,436 I don't really want you to think, ' Mackenzie deserves a stable family environment.' 31 00:02:02,560 --> 00:02:05,028 - Yeah. - You know, with a mother and a father. 32 00:02:05,160 --> 00:02:07,435 - Mm-hm. - That he needs to be part of some... 33 00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:09,915 I don't know, nuclear family. 34 00:02:10,040 --> 00:02:14,556 And I don't want you to feel that you'd be a total bastard if you walked out on him. 35 00:02:14,680 --> 00:02:17,672 That is probably enough ' not putting me under any pressure' at the moment. 36 00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:24,239 Yeah, OK. Thanks. They can get an engineer round this evening. 37 00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:26,635 - This duvet smells of you. - What do you mean? 38 00:02:26,760 --> 00:02:29,638 - Your scent. Your body. - Stop it. Get your own duvet. 39 00:02:29,760 --> 00:02:33,275 We have to huddle together for bodily warmth. That's what polar explorers do. 40 00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:37,757 If you were a real man you'd be stripping down that boiler and locating the problem. 41 00:02:37,880 --> 00:02:39,871 Do you know the best way to forget about Holly and the Mini-Mac? 42 00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:40,955 Lobotomy. 43 00:02:41,080 --> 00:02:45,073 Dinner with your rather attractive lodger. A sensitive ear, a shoulder to cry on. 44 00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:47,509 Don't think I have time to look for a new lodger now. 45 00:02:47,640 --> 00:02:50,871 - Is he hitching the rest of the way? - No, it's a town sign. 46 00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:53,992 - They're acting out nursery rhymes. - Right. So this is... 47 00:02:54,120 --> 00:02:57,829 - This is Dr Foster. - Dr Foster. The one who went to Gloucester? 48 00:02:57,960 --> 00:02:59,552 In a shower of rain. 49 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:01,477 Yeah. 50 00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:05,718 - What? Is there a problem? - I just had Dr Foster down as more of a GP. 51 00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:09,992 No, you see, that's where you're wrong. Dr Foster was definitely a surgeon. 52 00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:13,954 Would I be right in saying he was also the guy who stepped in a puddle 53 00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:15,798 right up to his muddle? 54 00:03:15,920 --> 00:03:18,070 - Middle. - Middle, yeah. 55 00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:19,155 What? 56 00:03:19,280 --> 00:03:21,874 Not the sort of thing a surgeon would do, is it? 57 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:31,958 What? So I'm early. Big deal. Get over it. 58 00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:33,832 God. 59 00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:39,549 Oh, I love your smell. It's like a cross between washing powder and body. 60 00:03:39,680 --> 00:03:42,478 Stop sniffing me! 61 00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:45,829 I've got a bit of a... 62 00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:48,110 - Not under my duvet, you don't. - Ow! 63 00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:50,196 - Well, is he British? - Yes. 64 00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:51,992 - Erm... Is he dead? - No. 65 00:03:52,120 --> 00:03:54,395 - Is he alive? - Not really. 66 00:03:54,520 --> 00:03:57,080 OK. Erm... Is he a scientist? 67 00:03:57,200 --> 00:03:59,839 No. Have you got anything for me? 68 00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:02,468 - A drummer? - A what? 69 00:04:02,600 --> 00:04:04,875 - Is he a drummer in a band? - No. 70 00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:06,149 Erm... 71 00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:08,191 Is he a professional golfer? 72 00:04:08,320 --> 00:04:11,437 Martin, what makes you think you'd have a father who's any good at anything? 73 00:04:11,560 --> 00:04:14,120 - Ah. So is that a yes or a no? - Just leave it. 74 00:04:14,240 --> 00:04:17,118 - He's a golfer, isn't he? - He's not a bloody golfer. 75 00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:19,196 What difference does it make, anyway? 76 00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:21,914 I'm just thinking, y'know, Mac's got to know his son. 77 00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:25,237 And somewhere out there I've got a dad who hasn't got a clue what I'm like. 78 00:04:25,360 --> 00:04:28,989 - He's a very lucky man, then, isn't he? - Does he work with heavy machinery? 79 00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:31,076 You'll never find him. 80 00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:38,029 - Well, I've hired an investigator. - You've done what?! 81 00:04:38,160 --> 00:04:41,118 Well, suppose I was to hire an investigator. 82 00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:45,870 Well, in that case you'd lose your job, and I'd stick a knitting needle in both eyes. 83 00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:48,036 Well, I haven't, then, have I? 84 00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:49,912 Good. 85 00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:57,511 - All right, bitches? - Hi, Kim. 86 00:04:57,640 --> 00:05:00,791 - Murrat, sit here. - Hello. I'm Karen. 87 00:05:00,920 --> 00:05:03,115 Don't speak to him. He doesn't understand much English. 88 00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:05,549 - Who is he? - My pen pal from Turkey. 89 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:08,240 How can he be your pen pal if he can't speak English? 90 00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:11,511 We send photos and have sex on the phone. 91 00:05:11,640 --> 00:05:13,631 Liz Hurley? Sexy-sex? 92 00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:16,399 - How come he's calling you Liz Hurley? - Isn't it obvious? 93 00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:19,557 Soon, Murrat. Then we have heap big sexy-sex. 94 00:05:19,680 --> 00:05:22,831 Kim, don't! You're talking to him like he's a caveman. 95 00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:24,712 (speaks Turkish ) 96 00:05:24,840 --> 00:05:27,513 (replies in Turkish ) 97 00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:32,593 (both laugh ) 98 00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:36,393 - Get your claws out of my man. - How come you know Turkish? 99 00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:38,795 I don't. How weird. 100 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:44,953 I'm going for a coffee. You want anything? No? See you. 101 00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:56,311 Well... 102 00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:59,159 Imagine, right, there's a kid, your kid, 103 00:05:59,280 --> 00:06:03,432 running around in the world, and you know nothing about it. 104 00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:06,313 Yeah. Poor Mac. 105 00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:11,833 Have you ever wondered whether there might be someone out there? 106 00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:14,633 I think I'd probably know. 107 00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:17,877 Well... Not necessarily. 108 00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:23,676 Mother's sense. 109 00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:33,953 Well, well, well. Look at you. 110 00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:41,679 - I'm Mr Right. I heard you're looking for me. - Actually, yeah. Got any ID? 111 00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:44,189 No, you'll just have to take my word for it. 112 00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:45,833 - Kiss me. - What? 113 00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:51,910 - Don't ask questions. Just kiss me, quick. - Wow. I didn't expect that line to work. 114 00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:09,597 Were you just using me to get back at Mac? 115 00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:10,789 Yeah. 116 00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:13,593 - It's not very nice, being used, is it? - Sorry. 117 00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:18,919 No, it's all right. I've just never been on the receiving end before. 118 00:07:19,040 --> 00:07:24,068 - Look, if you really want to use me... - Yeah, all right. Don't push it. 119 00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:31,110 So, who can tell me what this is? 120 00:07:31,240 --> 00:07:33,151 It's a pointer. 121 00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:34,633 No, Mr Boyce. 122 00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:38,514 Um, is it an extendable probe? No, un bāton? 123 00:07:38,640 --> 00:07:42,519 No, it's a wand. It's a magical, magical wand. 124 00:07:42,640 --> 00:07:45,677 Very funny, Mr Boyce. Very good. Well done. 125 00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:47,950 You're scaring me. Why are you being so nice? 126 00:07:48,080 --> 00:07:53,598 Mr Boyce, have you ever heard of a society called Consultant Radiologists International? 127 00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:55,597 - Nope. - And why would you? 128 00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:58,712 It is the premium society for consultant radiologists, 129 00:07:58,840 --> 00:08:01,991 of which I happen to be an esteemed member. 130 00:08:02,120 --> 00:08:07,478 Anyway, they have a website, a rather whimsical, light-hearted affair, 131 00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:11,070 called ' Consult That.' 132 00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:14,351 - That's really... That's poor. - Well, you may think so, Mr Boyce, 133 00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:18,598 but 103 other consultant radiologists beg to differ. 134 00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:23,032 Every week, more to the point, they have a caption competition. 135 00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:27,312 And, erm, this week, I won. 136 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:33,675 Yes. I won 100% of the vote. 137 00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:37,395 - How many was that? - 100% . 138 00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:41,274 Yeah, but exactly how many voters? 139 00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:42,913 - (whispers ) S... - I'm sorry? 140 00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:44,917 - Seven. - Seven? 141 00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:48,112 - 100% . - Seven? 142 00:08:48,240 --> 00:08:50,595 - 100% . - It's seven. 143 00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:53,917 - No, it's 100% . - It's seven, seven. 144 00:08:54,040 --> 00:08:55,792 100% . 145 00:09:01,920 --> 00:09:04,912 - Hi. - I've got a name and a job. 146 00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:07,076 - Yeah, so have I. - Of the man you're looking for. 147 00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:10,670 Oh, God, right. Yeah. Already? That's amazing. Go on, then. 148 00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:14,156 OK. Now, he runs a newsagent's in Muswell Hill. 149 00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:16,157 - No! - Yeah. 150 00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:19,909 Oh, my God! I knew he'd be successful. 151 00:09:20,920 --> 00:09:22,911 - Are you sure? - Quite sure. 152 00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:25,076 And when your birth was registered, 153 00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:28,033 your mum didn't fancy his surname, so she made one up. 154 00:09:28,160 --> 00:09:30,993 - What? So Martin Dear's a made-up name? - Mm-hm. 155 00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:35,477 Thanks, Mum, for a lifetime of misery. So can I change it back to my dad's real name? 156 00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:39,479 Well, I should think so, yeah. His name's Donald Twatt. 157 00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:40,953 Right. 158 00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:45,119 OK. Are you being serious? Cos I can't tell. 159 00:09:45,240 --> 00:09:48,471 Oh, yeah. Bit of trivia for you. It's a very common name in Orkney. 160 00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:52,639 Oh, when my half-brother finds out, I am dead. 161 00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:00,113 - Are you miserable? - No. 162 00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:02,435 Really? Are you sure? You look really miserable. 163 00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:06,394 Like a sad-eyed clown in a '70s painting. 164 00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:11,395 Yeah, there was something, wasn't there? What was it? Erm... 165 00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:14,353 Oh, that was it. Caroline saw me with my ex-girlfriend, 166 00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:19,315 she got all funny about it, and stuck her tongue down your throat. 167 00:10:19,440 --> 00:10:21,396 Women, eh? 168 00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:27,918 Yeah. What you've got to do, OK, is think of Caroline like a dog. 169 00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:32,909 Not a stinky dog, with matted fur and nasty breath and (barks ) when you try and touch it. 170 00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:35,998 But a nice dog, like Lassie. 171 00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:39,556 So I should actually think of Caroline as if she's Lassie? 172 00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:42,148 Yeah, that's it. Now you've got it. 173 00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:45,989 ' Hey, Caroline, what's that? There's trouble with one of the patients?' 174 00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:50,079 ' Diffuse abdominal pain that became localised just in front of the right rib?' 175 00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:52,953 ' Oh, yeah, that does sound like appendicitis. Come on.' 176 00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:55,389 No need to be a twit about it. I'm trying to help. 177 00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:58,318 Sorry. Please continue with your ridiculous analogy. 178 00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:03,673 Right. Well, instead of trusting Lassie, and working together in a big, hairy, shaggy team, 179 00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:08,078 what you've done is you've hit her with a stick. A Holly stick, in fact. 180 00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:11,829 Oh, OK. So I should probably keep the big Holly stick out of sight, 181 00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:14,997 in case Caroline thinks that I'm going to hit her with it? 182 00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:21,036 Better go now, because apparently there's an osteopath stuck down a mineshaft. 183 00:11:21,160 --> 00:11:25,278 - I am one angry lady. - Nothing to do with me, I hope? 184 00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:27,789 Did I or did I not warn you when you arrived here 185 00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:31,515 you were not to bring personal issues into our close-knit working environment? 186 00:11:31,640 --> 00:11:33,676 I don't see what I've done wrong. I have a child. 187 00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:34,471 (car horn ) 188 00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:36,670 - I have a child... What is that? - (car horn ) 189 00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:40,998 Just to make things easier for you, I'm highlighting the issues I have a problem with. 190 00:11:41,120 --> 00:11:42,519 Carry on. 191 00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:44,995 - I've spoken to Dr Macartney. - (car horn ) 192 00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:47,953 - He's listened to what I have to say. - (car horn ) 193 00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:49,957 And I have to say, he's been extremely sympathetic. 194 00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:52,230 (car horn, car horn ) 195 00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:55,636 Are you getting the hang of it now? 196 00:11:55,760 --> 00:11:58,274 Look, whether you like it or not, we had a long relationship. 197 00:11:58,400 --> 00:11:59,355 (car horn ) 198 00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:02,233 And I think he is entitled to an opinion, seeing as he is the father of my child. 199 00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:04,920 (lots of car horns ) 200 00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:14,631 - Oh, have you finished? - (lots of car horns ) 201 00:12:14,760 --> 00:12:16,716 Look. 202 00:12:17,680 --> 00:12:20,240 - I work here. - (car horn ) 203 00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:22,510 - I'm a woman. - (car horn ) 204 00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:25,516 The world is round. 205 00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:29,593 Birds fly due south in winter. 206 00:12:29,720 --> 00:12:31,676 The capital of Latvia is Riga. 207 00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:34,030 Salmon return to their native rivers to spawn. 208 00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:35,912 - (car horn ) - Oh, come on. What was wrong with that? 209 00:12:36,040 --> 00:12:38,395 You are not to mention spawn. 210 00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:50,912 (beep ) 211 00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:20,954 You've got a ginger child 212 00:13:21,920 --> 00:13:29,315 That floated out of your penis 213 00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:33,319 Following the river 214 00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:37,718 Of sperm downstream 215 00:13:37,840 --> 00:13:39,319 Ah 216 00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:43,718 Is it cream? 217 00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:45,478 Guy, shh. 218 00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:48,876 Here's a phrase. You've probably heard it quite a few times before. 219 00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:51,355 Could you put your pathetic little organ away? 220 00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:56,235 - I can't, because it's a vital organ. - (wah-wah effect) 221 00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:57,315 (cheeky jingle) 222 00:13:57,440 --> 00:14:01,228 I should warn you that part of my job description is to remove vital organs. 223 00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:02,713 - (wah ) - Oh. 224 00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:04,432 Does it bother you that your son's a bastard? 225 00:14:04,560 --> 00:14:07,120 - Does it bother you that you're a bastard? - Well, my parents were victims of circums... 226 00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:09,196 Not even talking about your parentage. 227 00:14:09,320 --> 00:14:12,835 If I were Holly's dad, I'd get the shotgun out and have you down that aisle 228 00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:16,270 quicker than you can say, ' Here comes the bride, 50 inches wide.' 229 00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:19,870 Probably wouldn't want to talk about that in present company. 230 00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:22,230 Why? He can't hear a thing. He's had loads. 231 00:14:22,360 --> 00:14:25,033 No, it's fine. I'm interested. 232 00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:28,914 - Think he'll follow in his father's footsteps? - Who, Mackenzie? 233 00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:32,510 - Why would he want to be a hippy tosspot? - Medicine, I mean. 234 00:14:32,640 --> 00:14:35,074 - He'll get bullied at school. - For being a doctor? 235 00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:37,509 No, for having a dad who looks like a King Charles spaniel. 236 00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:39,119 I'll tell your dad you said that. 237 00:14:39,240 --> 00:14:42,198 Just as soon as we work out where he is. 238 00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:44,629 (cheesy hip-hop on organ ) 239 00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:51,434 Break it down now 240 00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:54,313 Who's the daddy? The ginger daddy? 241 00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:59,068 Mackenzie gonna get the finger 242 00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:03,157 Cos his daddy is so freaking ginger 243 00:15:03,280 --> 00:15:04,269 Break it down now 244 00:15:04,400 --> 00:15:05,628 Huh, huh 245 00:15:05,760 --> 00:15:10,197 Yeah. See? Did you like that, ginger man? 246 00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:13,118 (electronic pop tune) 247 00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:24,518 Ah. Wondering if you'd heard. 248 00:15:24,640 --> 00:15:28,918 - Heard what? - Consultant Radiologists International, hm? 249 00:15:29,040 --> 00:15:33,955 Your humble servant here has just won their weekly caption competition, oh yes. 250 00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:38,835 A light-hearted humorous trifle, but one in which, nonetheless, I triumphed. 251 00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:40,871 You still here? 252 00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:47,439 The image to be encaptioned was of deceased jazz legend Ray Charles, hm? 253 00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:52,190 And remember, remember, this is a journal for radiologists. 254 00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:56,029 The 100% award-winning caption was as follows: 255 00:15:56,160 --> 00:15:59,277 ' X-Ray Charles' . 256 00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:04,474 You see? You see? ' X-Ray Charles' . It's... Like an X-ray. 257 00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:07,114 Oh, take me now, grim reaper. 258 00:16:07,240 --> 00:16:10,391 Yes, 100% . That's me. 100% . 259 00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:12,715 Not just a pretty face. No, no. 260 00:16:15,120 --> 00:16:17,076 What... Shit. 261 00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:24,310 - Hey, need a hand? - Yeah... Oh! 262 00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:26,476 Hey, sorry, didn't mean to frighten you. 263 00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:31,151 No, it's all right. It's just that sometimes when a black guy's next to me... 264 00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:34,556 - OK. - Oh, I don't mean in a racialist way. 265 00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:38,912 No, it's just, you know, I was born in a really very small town. 266 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:42,999 OK? And there's only one black guy in the whole place. 267 00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:45,680 Chas, his name was. You don't know him, do you? 268 00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:48,314 - No. - Black guy. Green hair. 269 00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:51,113 Just... Spiky green hair. It was just... Oh. 270 00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:56,234 So for ages I just thought black people were a kind of giant Muppet. 271 00:16:56,360 --> 00:17:02,117 I mean, I'm all right now, you know. I know it's not entirely accurate. 272 00:17:15,120 --> 00:17:18,510 - (speaks Turkish ) - (speaks Turkish ) 273 00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:29,996 Murrat was just saying how lovely my clothes were. 274 00:17:30,120 --> 00:17:32,190 - No, he wasn't. - How would you know? 275 00:17:32,320 --> 00:17:34,072 He's Turkish. He's not insane. 276 00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:36,998 He said you and me look like sisters. 277 00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:40,556 He's not insane, he's not blind, and I don't believe you can speak proper Turkish. 278 00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:42,432 I could be your twin, he said. 279 00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:47,953 Are you confusing the Turkish for ' twin' with the Turkish for ' poodle' ? 280 00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:59,109 Yeah, done these. 281 00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:08,473 - I can't face him. - Macintosh? 282 00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:10,556 I know what you mean. 283 00:18:10,680 --> 00:18:12,716 He is tremendously ugly. 284 00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:17,748 No. Oh, please, no, don't cry. Oh, don't. 285 00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:22,076 There, there. Good person. 286 00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:24,589 Why does nothing go right for me? 287 00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:28,395 Because... because you're cursed? 288 00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:31,193 I can't have one decent relationship, not one. 289 00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:36,758 I don't own my own home, I've hardly got any friends, and I'm a rubbish doctor. 290 00:18:36,880 --> 00:18:40,589 - That's not true. You're not a rubbish doctor. - I'm completely rubbish. 291 00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:43,359 I might as well just sit here until I decompose. 292 00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:49,476 Look. Whenever I'm feeling down, or marginally less splendid than usual, 293 00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:51,556 I try this. 294 00:18:57,400 --> 00:18:59,709 The Crown of Confidence. 295 00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:06,113 See? I just put it on my head, and I say: 296 00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:10,472 ' Guy Secretan, you are a king.' 297 00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:17,119 ' You are a leader. You are the greatest human being that ever walked this planet.' 298 00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:19,196 Try it. 299 00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:25,990 - Caroline Todd, you are a queen. - There you go. 300 00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:32,912 You are a leader. You are the greatest human being that ever walked this planet. 301 00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:34,837 Yeah, good... 302 00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:39,192 You are ruler of land and sea. 303 00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:46,556 You are the most intelligent, vibrant, vivacious human being in all Christendom. 304 00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:49,399 Your voice is rich as molasses, 305 00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:54,389 and your skin glows with an ethereal... glow. 306 00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:58,399 And you are magnificent, and you are gorgeous. 307 00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:00,829 Yeah, no, you're not, I am. I am. It's my crown. 308 00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:05,112 I'm magnificent and I'm gorgeous, so bow down to me, you serf. Right. 309 00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:07,800 - Oh, no, no, wait... - My crown. 310 00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:11,874 Hello. Is that Mr Twatt? 311 00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:13,479 - Hi... - (hangs up ) 312 00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:15,556 Hello? 313 00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:32,468 Hello, Mr Twatt? Please don't hang up. You've probably had this a lot... 314 00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:34,556 (hangs up ) 315 00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:46,998 - Erm, I've done a bad thing. - A bad thing? 316 00:20:47,120 --> 00:20:50,556 I thought it was a good thing, and there were good reasons why I did it, 317 00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:55,071 but the good reasons weren't good enough, and now I think I know how Macbeth felt. 318 00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:56,997 - Boring? - Guilty. 319 00:20:57,120 --> 00:21:01,193 Guilty? Either you've bought shoes you can't afford or you're having an affair. 320 00:21:01,320 --> 00:21:04,437 - (whispers ) The second one. - Bloody hell, Harriet! Who with? 321 00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:07,870 - Well, erm, I can't say, it's too risky. - Is it who I think it is? 322 00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:10,560 Oh, no, no, you don't know him. 323 00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:13,638 Harriet, you do this when you're lying. 324 00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:15,796 It's Lyndon, isn't it? 325 00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:18,718 We had a picnic together and now we're meant to be going on a date, 326 00:21:18,840 --> 00:21:19,989 and I feel terrible. 327 00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:23,157 - Did you have sex with him? - Oh, no, of course not. 328 00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:25,838 Harriet! 329 00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:27,791 Well, I feel terrible. 330 00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:31,515 I was sad and lonely and I wanted some fun and I never have any fun, 331 00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:33,756 and he is so shiny. 332 00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:37,395 - Cheer up, it might never happen. - it just did. Go away. 333 00:21:37,520 --> 00:21:40,910 The difference between you and I is that I value my contribution to society. 334 00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:43,031 - So do I. - Oh, right. Well. 335 00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:46,516 And what have you done that you're proud of? Hm? 336 00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:50,713 - Oh, just shut up. - Dear me. Drawn a bit of a blank, have we? 337 00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:53,195 - I contribute more to society than you do. - Hm. 338 00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:59,031 Let me see, how many online caption competitions have you won this week, hm? 339 00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:03,039 Is it less than one? I think it is, you see. 340 00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:05,879 Oh, a bringer of joy am I. 341 00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:08,560 You see, the greatest gift we can give is laughter. 342 00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:10,033 - Life. - No, laughter. 343 00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:12,151 - Life. - All right, laughter and life. 344 00:22:12,280 --> 00:22:14,350 And I am a specialist in both. 345 00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:18,712 Have a nice day. And do remember to smile, it's very, very good for you. 346 00:22:18,840 --> 00:22:20,239 There you are. 347 00:22:20,360 --> 00:22:24,592 Oh, you'll pay for that, you happy bastard. 348 00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:28,956 - Hi. - Hi. 349 00:22:30,240 --> 00:22:33,312 - Cute. - Thanks. I try my best. 350 00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:39,751 I think you'd be good at the whole fathery thing. 351 00:22:39,880 --> 00:22:41,836 Maybe. Maybe so. 352 00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:50,519 I think you should find out if you'd be good at the whole fathery thing. 353 00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:57,271 Because I think if you don't find out how you'd be at the whole fathery thing, 354 00:22:57,400 --> 00:22:59,755 I think you'd hate yourself. 355 00:23:03,120 --> 00:23:06,271 So I think you should go and do the whole fathery thing, 356 00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:09,836 I should go and do the whole sitting in a bar, getting drunk for a month, 357 00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:14,112 thinking about this guy I almost went out with, and then find someone better. 358 00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:16,037 Someone less fathery. 359 00:23:16,160 --> 00:23:18,390 Or, failing that, there's always Guy. 360 00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:20,795 What... what do you think? 361 00:23:22,720 --> 00:23:24,517 Mac? 362 00:23:24,640 --> 00:23:26,596 He needs a man's push. 363 00:23:30,400 --> 00:23:32,630 I think maybe you're right. 364 00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:35,796 Really? Am I? 365 00:23:38,040 --> 00:23:40,554 Except about the whole Guy thing. You can do better than Guy. 366 00:23:40,680 --> 00:23:43,433 - Maybe. - Definitely. Definitely. 367 00:23:47,360 --> 00:23:49,316 - Caroline? - Yeah? 368 00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:55,075 Thank you. 369 00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:57,111 For what? 370 00:23:57,240 --> 00:23:59,959 For, erm... 371 00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:02,036 For making it easy. 372 00:24:13,280 --> 00:24:17,159 For instance, if you had a photograph of yourself looking rather shocked, 373 00:24:17,280 --> 00:24:21,068 standing holding a bucket of water, I could write underneath: 374 00:24:21,200 --> 00:24:25,113 ' Sue Whiter Shade of Pale.' You see? 375 00:24:26,440 --> 00:24:28,715 The home of humour. 376 00:24:28,840 --> 00:24:34,039 Anyway, got to be on my way. Remember, ' X-Ray Charles.' There's another one. 377 00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:36,628 On your way, on your way. 378 00:24:36,760 --> 00:24:38,876 Oh, dear Lord! 379 00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:42,037 One caption competition, he thinks he's Oscar bloody Wilde. 380 00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:45,835 Yes. Well, the way I see it, there are three things you can do 381 00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:47,996 to bring Dr Statham down a peg or two. 382 00:24:48,120 --> 00:24:50,759 I didn't come in here for advice. 383 00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:54,394 - What are they? - What? 384 00:24:54,520 --> 00:24:56,476 The three things. 385 00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:01,590 Oh, shit. I've forgotten. 386 00:25:01,720 --> 00:25:06,077 I wouldn't care, only he's just so inanely happy. 387 00:25:06,200 --> 00:25:09,510 Dr Statham? Happy? He's borderline schizophrenic 388 00:25:09,640 --> 00:25:12,359 with a predilection for self-harm and a jackhammer stammer. 389 00:25:12,480 --> 00:25:15,153 - Then why's he always smiling? - Well, I don't know. 390 00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:17,236 Maybe he's had a stroke. 391 00:25:17,360 --> 00:25:19,999 All I want is for him to be as miserable as I am. 392 00:25:20,120 --> 00:25:24,238 Oh, now, come on, Joanna. That's pathetic. Anybody can do miserable. 393 00:25:24,360 --> 00:25:28,194 Wh-wh-wh-what you really need to do is scare the bastard. 394 00:25:28,320 --> 00:25:30,151 Have some real fun for a change. 395 00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:32,999 - Scare him? - Yes. 396 00:25:33,120 --> 00:25:35,270 I mean, what really freaks him out? 397 00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:41,589 Erm... The Simpsons. Radio One. Menstruation. Tilting trains. 398 00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:45,110 Botrytis. That's a plant disease. 399 00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:48,994 - The metric system, crazy paving... - No, these are just paltry. 400 00:25:49,120 --> 00:25:52,874 These are just mild irritations. I mean, you really... You need to scare him. 401 00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:55,878 You-you-you need to make him scream like a little girl. 402 00:25:56,000 --> 00:25:59,595 There must be something. Just one little thing. 403 00:26:07,760 --> 00:26:11,230 - You deal with memory, right? - Sort of, yeah. It's one of the... 404 00:26:11,360 --> 00:26:17,356 OK. I want you to completely remove any trace of Dr Macartney from my memory. 405 00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:20,709 I'm ready. Go. 406 00:26:21,840 --> 00:26:26,118 Right. You do have some working knowledge of psychology, I'm guessing? 407 00:26:26,240 --> 00:26:28,595 - Little bit. Come on. - OK. 408 00:26:28,720 --> 00:26:31,996 It's just that you seem to be confusing real life 409 00:26:32,120 --> 00:26:36,432 with the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. 410 00:26:37,480 --> 00:26:39,755 Can you do it or not? 411 00:26:39,880 --> 00:26:41,871 I think I'd get told off. 412 00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:45,595 But you could make all the people who tell you off forget what you did. 413 00:26:45,720 --> 00:26:50,077 See, now I think you're confusing me with a cartoon supervillain. 414 00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:52,760 Maybe I could knit you a suit. 415 00:26:52,880 --> 00:26:56,475 I'm not sure wool is very compatible with certain supervillainous duties. 416 00:26:56,600 --> 00:26:59,558 - How are you with Lycra? - Do you have the legs for Lycra? 417 00:26:59,680 --> 00:27:01,193 OK. 418 00:27:01,320 --> 00:27:04,835 All right. I just want you to relax. 419 00:27:04,960 --> 00:27:09,829 Extend left. Extend right. Extend ahead. 420 00:27:09,960 --> 00:27:11,393 There we are. OK. 421 00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:14,080 I'm just going to listen in. 422 00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:19,791 OK. Let's just imagine my legs in Lycra. 423 00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:25,836 Pretty soon, you're going to have no recollection of this Dr Macartney. 424 00:27:26,640 --> 00:27:28,437 Wow. 425 00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:31,711 I really think it's beginning to work. 426 00:27:32,680 --> 00:27:34,636 Ooh! 427 00:27:40,840 --> 00:27:43,149 OK. 428 00:27:43,280 --> 00:27:46,955 Do you want to begin by telling me a little about this Dr Macartney? 429 00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:49,036 - Who? - Mm-hm. 430 00:28:22,200 --> 00:28:23,838 You Queen. 431 00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:25,951 - No. - Yes. 432 00:28:26,160 --> 00:28:28,037 - No. - Yes. 433 00:28:28,160 --> 00:28:30,435 Brian May. Queen. 434 00:28:30,560 --> 00:28:32,516 I want to break free 435 00:28:54,400 --> 00:28:57,119 - Interesting. Mash. No chips? - Yep. 436 00:28:57,240 --> 00:29:01,791 I have decided to get my potato in a different form so no one can steal it from my plate. 437 00:29:01,920 --> 00:29:06,038 - Very ingenious. - Exactly. Once bitten, twice shy. 438 00:29:07,680 --> 00:29:09,716 How many times have you been bitten now? 439 00:29:09,840 --> 00:29:12,752 Oh, nearly every lunchtime for at least a year. 440 00:29:12,880 --> 00:29:16,350 - So let's say you've been bitten 365 times. - Uh-huh. 441 00:29:16,480 --> 00:29:18,789 How many times will you be shy? 442 00:29:18,920 --> 00:29:21,309 Hm. About... 443 00:29:21,440 --> 00:29:23,396 730. 444 00:29:25,480 --> 00:29:28,119 732. 445 00:29:34,720 --> 00:29:37,837 - Hey. - Not a word, or I won't be able to do this. 446 00:29:37,960 --> 00:29:42,715 Don't smile or I'll weaken and kiss your face off. I have to tell you, I can't do this. 447 00:29:42,840 --> 00:29:46,913 Us. My children, the baby in here, even before it's born, I've ruined its life. 448 00:29:47,040 --> 00:29:50,191 I've soiled its upbringing, its mother is an adulterer and I should be stoned. 449 00:29:50,320 --> 00:29:54,108 I'd give up my life for my children and I will give up my chance for life. 450 00:29:54,240 --> 00:29:56,196 Farewell. 451 00:29:58,800 --> 00:30:01,678 Damn you, Mrs Schulenburg. 452 00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:05,076 You can't even dump someone without being lovable. 453 00:30:05,200 --> 00:30:07,919 I'm sorry. Shall I make you a cup of tea before I go? 454 00:30:08,040 --> 00:30:09,996 Thank you. 455 00:30:17,080 --> 00:30:20,311 So... Put your winkie up her yet, have you? 456 00:30:24,840 --> 00:30:27,877 Doesn't it freak you out, him staring at you like that? 457 00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:30,468 Yeah, sort of. But what can I do? He relies on me. 458 00:30:30,600 --> 00:30:33,353 - You could just run away. - No, I couldn't. He'd get lost. 459 00:30:33,480 --> 00:30:35,436 Your call. 460 00:30:37,280 --> 00:30:39,236 OK. Let's leg it. 461 00:30:49,000 --> 00:30:51,878 No, it's a surprise for a friend of mine. 462 00:30:52,000 --> 00:30:54,673 - But why me? - Oh, no reason, really. 463 00:30:54,800 --> 00:31:00,113 We haven't seen each other for a while. I thought it'd be a good chance to catch up. 464 00:31:00,240 --> 00:31:02,390 Right. What would you like me to do? 465 00:31:02,520 --> 00:31:07,310 Just hide under his desk till he comes in, then jump out and look evil. 466 00:31:07,440 --> 00:31:11,672 - So he'll like that, will he? - Oh, he'll love it, yeah. It's a sort of in-joke. 467 00:31:11,800 --> 00:31:14,837 Oh, and he'd love a bit of green makeup. 468 00:31:14,960 --> 00:31:18,839 - So he wears makeup? - Not for him, for you. 469 00:31:18,960 --> 00:31:21,030 This is not about my height, is it? 470 00:31:21,160 --> 00:31:24,914 No, no, no. He just likes green, that's all. 471 00:31:25,040 --> 00:31:28,715 Right. When I jump out, would you like me to make a noise? 472 00:31:28,840 --> 00:31:31,229 - Noise? Like what? - Well... 473 00:31:31,360 --> 00:31:33,396 Aaaah! 474 00:31:33,520 --> 00:31:36,353 Yeah. Yeah, do that. 475 00:31:36,480 --> 00:31:38,436 Now get out and piss off. 476 00:31:48,600 --> 00:31:52,309 GBP250, local auction. Ardea cinerea. 477 00:31:52,440 --> 00:31:56,194 Not one of the rarer ones, but I've got to start my collection somewhere. 478 00:31:56,320 --> 00:31:58,629 - You collect herons? - Hoping to. 479 00:31:58,760 --> 00:32:01,274 - I hope you take good care of him. - I will, don't you worry. 480 00:32:01,400 --> 00:32:03,550 I was talking to the heron. 481 00:32:04,520 --> 00:32:05,873 Right, this way. 482 00:32:09,920 --> 00:32:11,273 Joanna? 483 00:32:11,400 --> 00:32:14,870 Oh, Jesus! That's all I need. 484 00:32:15,000 --> 00:32:17,434 What the hell are you doing here? 485 00:32:17,560 --> 00:32:20,233 - How did you find me? - I got a phone call from our son. 486 00:32:20,360 --> 00:32:22,271 That's just brilliant, that is. 487 00:32:22,400 --> 00:32:24,789 Got an answerphone message saying he works here as a doctor. 488 00:32:24,920 --> 00:32:27,036 - Yeah, debatable. - His name's Martin... 489 00:32:27,160 --> 00:32:30,357 - Yeah, I know. - Well, I thought I'd pay a surprise visit. 490 00:32:30,480 --> 00:32:32,550 - Look, Twitt... - Twatt. 491 00:32:32,680 --> 00:32:35,274 Come back next year, I'm... busy. 492 00:32:35,400 --> 00:32:37,960 - But where can I find Martin? - Didn't he tell you? 493 00:32:38,080 --> 00:32:42,710 He's gone away for two weeks. Must have called you from Florida. 494 00:32:50,120 --> 00:32:52,076 - Hello again. - Hi. 495 00:32:52,200 --> 00:32:53,155 Oh, hi. 496 00:32:53,280 --> 00:32:55,589 - How are you? - Yeah, good, good. Great. 497 00:32:55,720 --> 00:32:58,996 Although I will have to come back to you to erase some more rubbish. 498 00:32:59,120 --> 00:33:01,953 - Oh, the old rubbish. I hate feeling rubbish. - Me too. 499 00:33:02,080 --> 00:33:05,470 What kind of rubbish? General rubbish, or something more specific? 500 00:33:05,600 --> 00:33:09,036 Yeah, general rubbish, with a few specifics. 501 00:33:09,160 --> 00:33:12,630 Examples of these specific rubbishes? Please? 502 00:33:13,680 --> 00:33:17,150 Well, off the top of my head, and if forced to be specific, 503 00:33:17,280 --> 00:33:21,068 I'd say, er, single, alone in the world, 504 00:33:21,200 --> 00:33:23,270 aged 30 (mumbles ) with no children, 505 00:33:23,400 --> 00:33:26,836 a haircut I'm not sure suits my face shape, and no adequate pension. 506 00:33:26,960 --> 00:33:30,748 No pension? Oh, dear. That's not good. That's enough to make anyone feel rubbish. 507 00:33:30,880 --> 00:33:33,235 Exactly. I've got no one to look after me when I get old. 508 00:33:33,360 --> 00:33:36,511 You can't ask your children to help out cos you haven't got any. 509 00:33:36,640 --> 00:33:40,235 Thank... thank you. I'm not likely to have any. 510 00:33:40,360 --> 00:33:44,797 I may never, ever, ever, ever have sex ever, ever, ever again. Ever. 511 00:33:44,920 --> 00:33:46,672 - Unlikely. - But possible. 512 00:33:46,800 --> 00:33:49,519 You know, I might not. And who are you to say? 513 00:33:49,640 --> 00:33:54,839 Just an interested party. I hate the thought of you never having sex again. 514 00:33:54,960 --> 00:33:57,520 - Really? - It'll play on my mind for quite some time. 515 00:33:57,640 --> 00:34:03,272 In fact, if the thought of never having sex again gets too much... 516 00:34:03,400 --> 00:34:06,437 Or if you just fancy having a drink... 517 00:34:07,880 --> 00:34:10,553 Give me a call. 518 00:34:10,680 --> 00:34:13,069 - Thank you. - OK. I'll see you. 519 00:34:13,200 --> 00:34:15,430 See you. 520 00:34:15,560 --> 00:34:18,711 - Who was that? - Nobody. No one. No one. 521 00:34:25,560 --> 00:34:27,516 Right. 522 00:34:33,920 --> 00:34:35,876 Sorry. 523 00:34:47,160 --> 00:34:48,513 Aaaah! 524 00:34:48,640 --> 00:34:51,473 Whaaaa! 525 00:34:51,600 --> 00:34:56,594 - (Statham yelling) - (thuds and crashes ) 526 00:34:56,720 --> 00:34:58,950 No! No! No! No! 527 00:34:59,080 --> 00:35:02,356 - No! No! No! - (beating noises ) 528 00:35:06,760 --> 00:35:09,320 - Christ, what have you done? - My heron! 529 00:35:09,440 --> 00:35:12,238 My heron! My heron! 530 00:35:12,360 --> 00:35:13,429 Oh, God. 531 00:35:13,560 --> 00:35:15,915 Never mind your bloody heron. What about him? 532 00:35:16,040 --> 00:35:18,600 It's all right. He's not real. 533 00:35:18,720 --> 00:35:21,154 Not real? He's my cousin! 534 00:35:21,280 --> 00:35:23,589 He can't be. He's green. 535 00:35:23,720 --> 00:35:26,393 Green! It's makeup, you idiot. 536 00:35:26,520 --> 00:35:29,956 - Oh! - He's not breathing. He's dead! 537 00:35:30,080 --> 00:35:33,356 It was self-defence. He leapt out at me, he went ' Aaaah!' 538 00:35:33,480 --> 00:35:35,550 (gibberish ) 539 00:35:35,680 --> 00:35:37,716 Who did it he did a die... 540 00:35:37,840 --> 00:35:39,273 Oh! 541 00:35:40,320 --> 00:35:42,550 Oi! Walking spaghetti! 542 00:35:43,600 --> 00:35:47,070 - Are you talking to me? - Yeah, I'm talking to you, spaghetti boy. 543 00:35:47,200 --> 00:35:49,316 Al dente. 544 00:35:49,440 --> 00:35:52,238 I'm sorry, are you saying I look like a piece of spaghetti? 545 00:35:52,360 --> 00:35:58,959 Yes, farfalline man. You vertical streak of... spaghetti. 546 00:35:59,080 --> 00:36:02,311 Hm. Well, farfalline is actually little bows of pasta, 547 00:36:02,440 --> 00:36:06,069 so it's impossible to be a little bow and a vertical anything. 548 00:36:06,200 --> 00:36:10,273 - They're all in the pasta family. - But they're completely different shapes. 549 00:36:10,400 --> 00:36:13,949 Yeah, the v... The vertical spaghetti. The farfalline was a mistake. 550 00:36:14,080 --> 00:36:16,389 - Ah. What is it you want? - I... 551 00:36:16,520 --> 00:36:20,752 I'm warning you not to set your cap at Dr Caroline Todd. 552 00:36:20,880 --> 00:36:24,350 - How very 18th century of you. - She's going through a vulnerable time, 553 00:36:24,480 --> 00:36:26,835 - and I'm watching her back. - Right. 554 00:36:26,960 --> 00:36:32,512 Well, you watch her back, and I'll continue watching her lovely front. 555 00:36:33,560 --> 00:36:38,509 You'd better pay very close attention to what I'm saying, spaghetti boy. 556 00:36:38,640 --> 00:36:41,154 Or what? 557 00:36:41,280 --> 00:36:43,919 Or something. That's what. 558 00:36:46,440 --> 00:36:48,396 OK! 559 00:36:51,080 --> 00:36:52,877 I paid him to scare you. 560 00:36:53,000 --> 00:36:56,231 Oh! So it's your fault! 561 00:36:57,720 --> 00:36:59,631 Oh, thank you. Well done. 562 00:36:59,760 --> 00:37:04,629 It's my fault he jumped out. You still beat his head in with a giant bird. 563 00:37:05,600 --> 00:37:07,989 - We're going to have to bury him. - Yes. 564 00:37:08,120 --> 00:37:11,112 We're going to have to take him to the country and bury him. 565 00:37:11,240 --> 00:37:14,516 We... we'll need a saw. And... and gloves. 566 00:37:14,640 --> 00:37:16,870 And-and, erm... And bin bags. 567 00:37:17,000 --> 00:37:19,798 Throw him in the incinerator. 568 00:37:19,920 --> 00:37:24,277 - Could you? Without anyone knowing? - Yes. 569 00:37:24,400 --> 00:37:26,436 Fine. Let's get on with that. 570 00:37:33,360 --> 00:37:35,157 Sorry. 571 00:37:36,200 --> 00:37:38,156 It's all right. 572 00:38:34,560 --> 00:38:36,949 Yeah. Yeah, OK. 573 00:38:38,000 --> 00:38:40,719 Yeah. Yeah. Bye. 574 00:38:42,240 --> 00:38:45,835 - I thought I'd find you here. - I'm not an alcoholic. 575 00:38:45,960 --> 00:38:48,349 No, I mean, you know... 576 00:38:48,480 --> 00:38:50,755 (whispers ) After you and Mac splitting up. 577 00:38:50,880 --> 00:38:54,077 (whispers ) It doesn't hurt less because you whisper it. 578 00:38:54,200 --> 00:38:55,599 No. Well. 579 00:38:55,720 --> 00:39:00,475 I could give you a lift home, but I can't remember where I've hidden my bike. 580 00:39:00,600 --> 00:39:03,831 Anyway, me and you could go out for a meal. 581 00:39:03,960 --> 00:39:05,916 Two singlies, out on the pull. 582 00:39:06,040 --> 00:39:11,068 No need. I've just made a date with a complementary therapist. 583 00:39:11,200 --> 00:39:14,112 - Someone's who's nice about you? - Complementary medicine. 584 00:39:14,240 --> 00:39:16,595 A holistic healer? He's called Jake. 585 00:39:16,720 --> 00:39:19,837 Anyway, I went to see him, and this is so profound, OK? 586 00:39:19,960 --> 00:39:26,752 He said, right, ' Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, 587 00:39:26,880 --> 00:39:31,749 and dance like no one's watching.' Isn't that beautiful? 588 00:39:31,880 --> 00:39:36,317 ' Love like you've never been hurt.' That's what I'm going to do. 589 00:39:36,880 --> 00:39:39,838 Dance like no one's watching. 590 00:39:39,960 --> 00:39:41,552 Yeah! 591 00:39:42,600 --> 00:39:46,354 That's what I'm talking about. So, that meal. Me and you. 592 00:39:48,440 --> 00:39:50,749 Yeah. No, thanks. 593 00:40:04,360 --> 00:40:07,670 - This one or this one? - Oh! The left one. 594 00:40:07,800 --> 00:40:09,791 - This one? - Oh, you meant the tops? 595 00:40:09,920 --> 00:40:11,876 I thought you meant... The black one. 596 00:40:12,000 --> 00:40:13,433 Thanks. 597 00:40:13,560 --> 00:40:16,996 - Oh, are we going out? Where are we going? - We're not. I am. 598 00:40:17,120 --> 00:40:18,872 Oh. Girls' night out. 599 00:40:19,000 --> 00:40:22,151 Nope. I am going on a date. 600 00:40:22,280 --> 00:40:24,032 A date. Who with? 601 00:40:24,160 --> 00:40:28,199 - Jake. You know, big guy, therapist. - Yeah. Spaghetti boy. 602 00:40:28,320 --> 00:40:32,074 He's kind. He's never been in a coma, doesn't have a psychotic girlfriend, 603 00:40:32,200 --> 00:40:35,192 - and best of all, he likes me. - Yeah, well, I like you. 604 00:40:35,320 --> 00:40:38,118 I'm your landlady. You have to like me. 605 00:40:38,240 --> 00:40:41,198 - I love you. - And I love you too. 606 00:40:41,320 --> 00:40:43,276 Night-night. 607 00:40:45,120 --> 00:40:47,759 - ( door slams ) - Please don't go. 608 00:40:52,960 --> 00:40:54,791 It's coming in from (mumbles )... 609 00:40:54,920 --> 00:40:58,435 Hello? Hello. We've got a very poor signal. 610 00:40:58,560 --> 00:41:01,472 I'm going to have to phone you back. 611 00:41:01,600 --> 00:41:03,989 Right. I reckon it's time for bed, don't you? 612 00:41:04,120 --> 00:41:07,999 Oh, OK. Mackenzie, would you like to watch some television? 613 00:41:08,120 --> 00:41:10,873 - Shall I tell him we'll be about half an hour? - No. 614 00:41:11,000 --> 00:41:12,831 - 20 minutes? - Not playing that game. 615 00:41:12,960 --> 00:41:15,110 - You are so not fun any more. - So not playing. 616 00:41:19,840 --> 00:41:22,115 Alan? Alan, is that you? 617 00:41:22,240 --> 00:41:27,360 Yes, here I am, my sexy darling. I can smell your lady wetness. 618 00:41:27,480 --> 00:41:29,311 What the fuck are you wearing? 619 00:41:29,440 --> 00:41:31,829 You said come in disguise. 620 00:41:31,960 --> 00:41:35,555 - I said ' inconspicuous' ! - No, no, you definitely said ' disguise' . 621 00:41:35,680 --> 00:41:39,912 - I really didn't. - Well, let's have a look. Let's... 622 00:41:40,040 --> 00:41:42,713 - Yes, there we are. ' Disguise' . - You've kept notes? 623 00:41:42,840 --> 00:41:43,560 Tell me you haven't written down what you did to my cousin. 624 00:41:43,560 --> 00:41:45,710 Tell me you haven't written down what you did to my cousin. 625 00:41:45,840 --> 00:41:48,718 Not really. 626 00:41:48,840 --> 00:41:53,994 ' Damaged heron.' Somehow that's worse. No, that's going the same place as my cousin. 627 00:41:54,120 --> 00:41:57,510 Oh, terrific. Where am I supposed to jot down my useful ideas, then? 628 00:41:57,640 --> 00:42:00,473 On your knob end? You won't need a huge amount of space, will you? 629 00:42:00,600 --> 00:42:03,478 Look, here's a useful idea. Don't hit dwarves with herons. 630 00:42:03,600 --> 00:42:07,798 Perhaps it might be a useful idea not to hide dwarves under people's desks in future. 631 00:42:07,920 --> 00:42:10,832 You shouldn't go boring everyone with your caption competition. 632 00:42:10,960 --> 00:42:12,473 100% , remember. 100% . 633 00:42:12,600 --> 00:42:17,071 - We're 100% in the shit now. - Ah, 50% each in the shit, if you don't mind. 634 00:42:17,200 --> 00:42:21,512 - 100% , I think. You did the beating. - Yes, well, he leapt at me and went ' Aaaah!' 635 00:42:22,240 --> 00:42:28,156 So we've covered music, literature, unusual relatives, mostly yours. Er... 636 00:42:28,280 --> 00:42:31,431 What about pets? Pets? An elephant? A flamingo? 637 00:42:31,560 --> 00:42:34,233 - Actually, I've brought one with me. - A flamingo? 638 00:42:34,360 --> 00:42:36,555 Not a flamingo, no, no, no. Look. 639 00:42:37,600 --> 00:42:40,114 - Your key ring. - No, it's a Tamagotchi, look. 640 00:42:40,240 --> 00:42:43,277 They're from, what, about 1987? 641 00:42:43,400 --> 00:42:45,630 I've kept her alive 12 years. 642 00:42:45,760 --> 00:42:48,320 I could get about eight grand for her on eBay. 643 00:42:48,440 --> 00:42:50,476 - Can I look? - Yes, absolutely. 644 00:42:50,600 --> 00:42:53,990 Just, erm, please don't touch any buttons. 645 00:42:54,120 --> 00:42:56,395 I promise. 646 00:42:56,520 --> 00:42:59,512 - Oh, God, it hates me. - No, no, she doesn't. Look. 647 00:42:59,640 --> 00:43:02,074 Just wants feeding, look. 648 00:43:02,200 --> 00:43:06,193 - There. - Aw, look! It's eating. 649 00:43:06,320 --> 00:43:08,276 Eating. That's what they do... 650 00:43:08,400 --> 00:43:10,675 Oh! Ooh... 651 00:43:11,720 --> 00:43:14,029 There. Had a little bath. 652 00:43:14,160 --> 00:43:16,799 Oh, here's a towel. There. 653 00:43:17,800 --> 00:43:20,030 Daddy read a bedtime story? 654 00:43:21,240 --> 00:43:23,196 Oh... 655 00:43:25,120 --> 00:43:27,031 Just... 656 00:43:37,000 --> 00:43:39,992 Do you know what? I'm going to have that second glass of wine. 657 00:43:40,120 --> 00:43:42,315 - OK. - Yeah. 658 00:43:44,240 --> 00:43:46,196 - Yummy. - Bathwater. 659 00:43:48,960 --> 00:43:51,030 Ooh. 660 00:43:51,160 --> 00:43:53,515 Yes, keep it... Absolutely. 661 00:43:54,560 --> 00:43:56,516 Thank you very much. 662 00:43:59,240 --> 00:44:01,310 Oh. 663 00:44:01,440 --> 00:44:04,079 - Again? - Yeah. 664 00:44:14,680 --> 00:44:16,511 Ah. Right, that's that done. 665 00:44:16,640 --> 00:44:20,918 - Shh. You'll wake him. - Don't you think he should be in bed? 666 00:44:21,040 --> 00:44:25,556 - Out of sight, out of mind? - I thought we needed to talk. 667 00:44:25,680 --> 00:44:26,635 What? 668 00:44:26,760 --> 00:44:29,957 I can't look at you when you're being serious. It cracks me up. 669 00:44:30,080 --> 00:44:32,913 That's ridiculous. 670 00:44:33,040 --> 00:44:34,996 (clears throat) 671 00:44:36,200 --> 00:44:39,636 Obviously, he deserves a dad, and, er... 672 00:44:41,920 --> 00:44:46,516 I don't know what that means for us, but we're going to have to take things very slowly. 673 00:44:46,640 --> 00:44:51,794 There's a lot of unresolved issues that need... resolving. 674 00:44:51,920 --> 00:44:54,275 But I agree that we have to try. 675 00:44:57,640 --> 00:45:03,351 - Copy that. Roger. Over and out... - No, no. What do you actually think? 676 00:45:06,000 --> 00:45:07,672 Kissy kissy. 677 00:45:07,800 --> 00:45:10,598 No, I didn't say anything about a kiss. 678 00:45:10,720 --> 00:45:12,676 Oh. 679 00:45:14,800 --> 00:45:16,233 - Kissy kissy. - Losing the line. 680 00:45:16,360 --> 00:45:18,396 Connection's going dead. String's a bit limp. 681 00:45:18,520 --> 00:45:21,478 That is too late. You've already kissed me. It's official. 682 00:45:21,600 --> 00:45:23,556 That was not a kiss. 683 00:45:24,760 --> 00:45:25,909 (kissing) 684 00:45:26,040 --> 00:45:30,318 - No, that was not a kiss. - You're doing it again, you filthy bugger. 685 00:45:30,440 --> 00:45:33,477 - And now you're using tongues. - That was not... 686 00:45:33,600 --> 00:45:35,909 Pack it in. Pack it... 687 00:45:36,040 --> 00:45:37,996 I mean it. 688 00:46:03,000 --> 00:46:05,878 I've had a... I've had a fantastic evening. 689 00:46:06,000 --> 00:46:08,468 (Caroline) It was great, wasn't it? 690 00:46:08,600 --> 00:46:11,797 - Do you mind if I kiss you? - Oh. Er... 691 00:46:11,920 --> 00:46:15,515 Never ask for a kiss. It makes you sound like a lumpy-kneed uncle. 692 00:46:15,640 --> 00:46:18,632 - One of those creepy... - No, I didn't want to appear rude... 693 00:46:18,760 --> 00:46:22,389 No, it doesn't appear rude, no. It's appearing, er, passionate. 694 00:46:22,520 --> 00:46:24,988 Girls like, er, passionate men. 695 00:46:28,440 --> 00:46:32,638 How dare you. I mean, what kind of a girl do you think I am? 696 00:46:32,760 --> 00:46:35,638 - Passion. I was doing... You said passion. - Joke. Joke. 697 00:46:35,760 --> 00:46:38,194 All right. OK. That's mean. OK? 698 00:46:38,320 --> 00:46:40,675 Sorry, I won't do that again. 699 00:46:42,440 --> 00:46:44,396 Come here. 700 00:47:00,440 --> 00:47:01,475 - Oh! - Ow! 701 00:47:01,600 --> 00:47:04,717 - Oh, are you all right? - Yeah, no, I just got a pain in my head. 702 00:47:04,840 --> 00:47:08,594 Yeah, yes, it's, erm... Oh, look, you've got some keys in your head. 703 00:47:08,720 --> 00:47:11,996 Do you know, that's a profoundly strange feeling. 704 00:47:12,120 --> 00:47:15,908 - I think we should get you to A&E. - I'll do it. I can go. You should stay. 705 00:47:16,040 --> 00:47:18,713 - No, no, I'm not going to leave you. - No, I'll be fine. 706 00:47:18,840 --> 00:47:21,877 I should sort it out, I think, probably. Yeah. 707 00:47:22,000 --> 00:47:23,991 - I had fun, though. - All right, then. 708 00:47:24,120 --> 00:47:27,715 - The stars are all out, look... - There are no stars. There are no stars. 709 00:47:27,840 --> 00:47:29,319 We're doing OK. 710 00:47:29,440 --> 00:47:31,908 Looks like the stars are out. See them shining... 711 00:47:32,040 --> 00:47:35,112 - I feel kind of shivery. Is that normal? - Feel my fingers... 712 00:47:35,240 --> 00:47:37,515 (screams ) 713 00:47:37,640 --> 00:47:40,108 - Can you feel my fingers? - I can feel your fingers. 714 00:47:40,240 --> 00:47:42,117 Bye. 715 00:47:47,440 --> 00:47:49,510 Guy! Guy! 716 00:47:49,640 --> 00:47:51,232 - I, er... What? - Guy! 717 00:47:51,360 --> 00:47:52,349 What time is it? 718 00:47:56,080 --> 00:47:57,195 Madam? 719 00:47:57,320 --> 00:47:58,833 God! Warbling Jesus. 720 00:47:58,960 --> 00:48:00,837 - Where Liz Hurley? - What? 721 00:48:00,960 --> 00:48:04,669 - I'm sorry to frighten you. - It's all right. I've just had a day, frankly. 722 00:48:04,800 --> 00:48:07,109 - Then you should have coffee. - Coffee? 723 00:48:07,240 --> 00:48:12,519 Yes. As black as hell, as strong as death, and as sweet as love. 724 00:48:12,640 --> 00:48:14,392 - Can I have a brandy in it? - Yes. 725 00:48:14,520 --> 00:48:18,069 Bloody marvellous. Come on, then. Let's go. 726 00:48:18,200 --> 00:48:20,191 - How old are you? - As old as hell, 727 00:48:20,320 --> 00:48:22,834 as young as death, as sweet as love. 728 00:48:22,960 --> 00:48:25,394 I see. And what sort of women do you like? 729 00:48:25,520 --> 00:48:28,637 - As beautiful as hell... - Yeah, all right. I'll do the talking. 730 00:48:28,760 --> 00:48:30,716 (knocking) 731 00:48:31,840 --> 00:48:34,229 - Let me in, please! - (Caroline) What? 732 00:48:34,360 --> 00:48:36,794 - Could you let me in, please? - Let yourself in. 733 00:48:36,920 --> 00:48:38,876 I can't... I cant find my keys. 734 00:48:39,000 --> 00:48:42,470 Oh, no. When did you last see them? 735 00:48:42,600 --> 00:48:45,672 I... I think somebody might have broken in and stolen them. 736 00:48:45,800 --> 00:48:49,156 - Really? I'd better call the police. - You don't need to bother them. 737 00:48:49,280 --> 00:48:51,430 Just open the door. Hey! 738 00:48:51,560 --> 00:48:53,312 Night. 739 00:49:01,240 --> 00:49:03,595 - Did you get your man? - Mm? 740 00:49:03,720 --> 00:49:09,352 No, no man. There's no man. Doesn't matter how big, no... Nor wasn't big neither... 741 00:49:09,480 --> 00:49:11,311 - The Mounties. - Hm? 742 00:49:11,440 --> 00:49:14,637 - The Mounties always get their man. - Oh. 743 00:49:14,760 --> 00:49:15,829 Yes. Yes. 744 00:49:15,960 --> 00:49:19,714 The law catches up with everyone in the end, doesn't it? 745 00:49:19,840 --> 00:49:21,114 (gibberish ) 746 00:49:21,240 --> 00:49:25,028 - (phone rings ) - (answerphone beeps ) 747 00:49:25,160 --> 00:49:28,072 (Caroline) Hiya, it's me. The one. 748 00:49:28,200 --> 00:49:31,670 Not the one you're with now, the other the one. The proper the one. 749 00:49:31,800 --> 00:49:35,588 Yeah, so, I was phoning because, erm, because... 750 00:49:35,720 --> 00:49:40,111 Oh, yeah. To say that I've had the most fantastic evening. 751 00:49:40,240 --> 00:49:42,310 And you weren't there. 752 00:49:42,440 --> 00:49:45,113 Erm... Which is great. Isn't it? That's what I wanted to say. 753 00:49:45,960 --> 00:49:47,951 So, erm... 754 00:49:48,080 --> 00:49:49,832 Call me back. 755 00:49:49,960 --> 00:49:51,075 Bye. 756 00:49:52,560 --> 00:49:57,111 Actually, I think we made a mistake, Dr Macartney. 757 00:49:57,240 --> 00:49:59,629 I think we made a mistake. 758 00:50:03,320 --> 00:50:06,710 (answerphone beeps ) Message deleted. 759 00:50:11,120 --> 00:50:12,519 Well, that went all right. 760 00:50:25,640 --> 00:50:27,835 To friendship. 761 00:50:28,040 --> 00:50:30,395 To friendship. 762 00:50:30,520 --> 00:50:32,476 And beyond. 763 00:50:33,640 --> 00:50:34,834 To friendship. 764 00:50:34,960 --> 00:50:36,996 I'll poo on the step. 765 00:50:38,120 --> 00:50:39,075 Come on. 766 00:50:44,040 --> 00:50:46,156 Wilma! 767 00:50:50,160 --> 00:50:51,593 Oh, dear. 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net