1 00:00:03,440 --> 00:00:07,558 I think you should find out if you'd be good at the whole fathery thing. 2 00:00:07,680 --> 00:00:10,069 To friendship. 3 00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:11,519 And beyond. 4 00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:13,949 You need to make him scream like a little girl. 5 00:00:14,080 --> 00:00:15,433 Arrrrghhh! 6 00:00:15,560 --> 00:00:17,949 (Statham screams ) 7 00:00:19,880 --> 00:00:23,316 - He's my cousin! - He can't be, he's green. 8 00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:28,992 - Oh, oh! - Ow! 9 00:00:29,120 --> 00:00:30,439 Bury him. We'll need a... 10 00:00:30,560 --> 00:00:32,596 Throw him in the incinerator. 11 00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:34,631 I think we made a mistake, Dr Macartney. 12 00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:37,228 (answerphone beeps ) Message deleted. 13 00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:20,032 Hi. Can I get ten scratchcards, please? 14 00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:21,878 Yeah, that's GBP10, please. 15 00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:24,639 Right. The thing is, I'm thinking, OK, 16 00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:27,877 that if I get ten scratchcards I'm more than likely going to win GBP10. 17 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:30,355 So can you just take it out of the winnings? 18 00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:32,277 Er... no. 19 00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:34,391 But I'm bound to win GBP10. 20 00:01:34,520 --> 00:01:35,999 You might not. 21 00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:40,272 OK. If I win, right, you can take 10% of the winnings. 22 00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:42,956 Make it 25% . 23 00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:48,397 20. 24 00:01:48,520 --> 00:01:50,511 35. 25 00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:52,596 - 30. - 50. 26 00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:56,673 40, and that's my last offer. 27 00:01:56,800 --> 00:01:58,756 70. 28 00:01:59,760 --> 00:02:01,716 All right, then. Done. 29 00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:10,310 Hello. Do you sell any of those shoes stretcher thingies? 30 00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:11,998 We've got them for boots or shoes. 31 00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:14,236 - Which is the biggest? - Boots. 32 00:02:14,360 --> 00:02:17,511 Then a boot stretcher it is, young man. 33 00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:22,556 That's GBP7.99 a pair. 34 00:02:26,920 --> 00:02:28,990 Splendid action. 35 00:02:29,120 --> 00:02:31,190 - You only want one? - Aye. I'm having a baby 36 00:02:31,320 --> 00:02:34,153 and I just want to make sure it can fit through the door. 37 00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:38,432 Parcel through the letter box. Bun out of the oven. 38 00:02:40,040 --> 00:02:42,270 Troops out of the landing craft. 39 00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:45,436 ( door rattles ) 40 00:02:49,520 --> 00:02:51,954 Come on, sleepyhead. Time for school. 41 00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:54,036 Morning. 42 00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:09,874 - Are you legal? - What? 43 00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:14,835 Are you legal, or am I going to end up on some kind of a register? 44 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:17,349 Oh, right. Yeah, I'm legal. 45 00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:20,637 Oh, good. 46 00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:22,716 - Just. - What? 47 00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:24,199 Just. 48 00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:26,754 It was my birthday yesterday. 49 00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:30,031 That's why I was out after ten. 50 00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:31,388 Oh, God... 51 00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:34,277 Brick out of the front shitter. 52 00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:37,472 Watermelon out of your Jap's eye. 53 00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:39,556 (she pants ) 54 00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:55,316 Oh, my God! 55 00:03:57,120 --> 00:03:59,076 My God! 56 00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:02,596 What? 57 00:04:05,440 --> 00:04:06,668 I've won ten grand! 58 00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:08,836 - Shut up, no. - Shut up, yes! 59 00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:12,075 - Oh, my God, that's seven grand all for me. - What? 60 00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:17,274 Three grand for you, seven grand for me. Our deal. Yes! 61 00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:20,631 Yes! Whoo! Oh, come on, you won three grand! 62 00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:25,996 Wahoo! Yes! 63 00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:30,551 Not one, not two, but three grand. Whoo-hoo! 64 00:04:30,680 --> 00:04:33,717 Don't think about it. Just don't think about it. Who? The dwarf? 65 00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:36,195 I don't know what you mean. Why would I think about him? 66 00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:38,356 You've given him very little thought? Yes. 67 00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:40,755 Is that because he is very little? Not at all. 68 00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:42,916 So he's not... not at all... not a tall man. 69 00:04:43,040 --> 00:04:44,996 - Morning, Dr Statham. - A very small man. 70 00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:49,875 - So it's off to work we go, then. - Sorry, do you mean ' heigh ho' ? 71 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:50,989 What? 72 00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:54,271 Heigh ho, heigh ho, it's off to work then, is it? 73 00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:55,992 Oh, like the song. If you like. 74 00:04:56,120 --> 00:04:58,839 - Heigh ho, heigh ho... - No, ssh, ssh, don't sing it. 75 00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:01,872 A dwarf might hear you. What then? 76 00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:04,719 - A dwarf? - Yes. Don't say the word though. 77 00:05:04,840 --> 00:05:07,593 You said it and I don't think there are many dwarves here. 78 00:05:07,720 --> 00:05:11,872 No, exactly. And not because they've been killed, obviously. 79 00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:15,675 There might have been though, so it's lucky for you. Your lucky day, Mr Boyce. 80 00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:17,631 What, because I'm too tall to be a dwarf? 81 00:05:17,760 --> 00:05:19,113 - Where? - Just up there! 82 00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:21,595 No! Not... 83 00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:23,551 Not in the sky. 84 00:05:23,680 --> 00:05:25,636 - Are you all right? - Fine. 85 00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:28,877 - Get inside and stop looking suspicious. - I keep seeing dwarves. 86 00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:31,514 I keep seeing Harry Potter underpants. 87 00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:38,868 - Hi. - Hi. 88 00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:42,072 So, there's a consultancy? 89 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:45,078 Yeah, Mario's leaving, so it's between me and Richard. 90 00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:47,953 - Wow. Good luck. - Thank you. 91 00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:53,715 Erm... I'd just like to take this opportunity to ask, in a very genuine sense, 92 00:05:53,840 --> 00:05:57,833 how things are going with your newly discovered son? 93 00:05:57,960 --> 00:05:59,871 I'd like to take this opportunity 94 00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:05,518 to remark upon the sincerity I felt was evident behind that genuine enquiry. 95 00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:08,074 Yeah, well, it's my new thing. 96 00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:11,715 Every time I hide my true feelings, in the interests of another human being, 97 00:06:11,840 --> 00:06:15,799 I reward myself with a mini Mars bar. 98 00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:17,876 Oh, nice. Nice. 99 00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:21,474 So, it's all OK? 100 00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:23,238 Yeah, all OK. Yes, thank you. 101 00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:28,673 And I was very... glad to hear that you're seeing someone. Jake, isn't it? 102 00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:30,756 Yes. Thanks. 103 00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:35,600 - Mini Mars bar? - I'll take two. 104 00:06:42,440 --> 00:06:44,510 - Hi. Hi. - How are you? 105 00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:47,313 Oh... Mm... How's the wound? 106 00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:50,591 - Oh, it's OK, it's cool, yeah. - Are you taking any painkillers? 107 00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:54,076 - No, no. Alternative therapies. - Oh, yeah, yeah, right. 108 00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:57,317 What, like... like kissing it better? 109 00:06:57,440 --> 00:06:59,317 It might work. 110 00:06:59,440 --> 00:07:01,795 Oh, oh. 111 00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:02,830 OK, then. 112 00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:05,520 Oh, I'm so sorry! 113 00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:08,232 Are you OK? 114 00:07:08,360 --> 00:07:09,952 - Hmm... - No? Should I? 115 00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:11,433 Yeah? 116 00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:13,516 - Are you ready? - Mm. 117 00:07:15,360 --> 00:07:16,918 - Oh, that's nice. - How's that? 118 00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:18,598 Hey! 119 00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:24,113 Hey, hey, hey. I was sorry to hear about your accident. 120 00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:28,592 Well, hey, that's fine. I mean, you know, things happen. 121 00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:32,235 Yeah, yeah. Swiss army knives are always landing on people's heads. 122 00:07:32,360 --> 00:07:35,989 - I think it fell out of an aeroplane. - Really? Or maybe a magpie dropped it. 123 00:07:36,120 --> 00:07:37,314 Yes, when it yawned. 124 00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:39,670 Yeah, well, that's actually quite likely. 125 00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:42,234 Yeah. I mean, do you... 126 00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:45,397 Do you... Do you... Did it affect your brain? 127 00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:48,318 Do you still believe that eating weeds can cure people? 128 00:07:48,440 --> 00:07:49,395 It's not just weeds. 129 00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:52,318 - There's a lot of therapies... - Yeah. Can it cure that? 130 00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:54,635 - Owee! - Owee! Oh, owee! 131 00:07:54,760 --> 00:07:56,751 Try not to be such a girl about it, OK? 132 00:07:56,880 --> 00:07:59,838 Excuse us for one minute. Yes? 133 00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:01,951 What is the matter with you? 134 00:08:02,080 --> 00:08:04,514 He's... he's not... he's not good enough for you. 135 00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:06,596 Oh? Then who is? 136 00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:14,997 Someone... Someone less nice. 137 00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:21,995 Go away and think about how little sense that makes. Will you? 138 00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:25,235 Don't move. 139 00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:27,316 Don't come with me. 140 00:08:38,120 --> 00:08:40,076 (gasps ) 141 00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:11,955 OK, you sit here quietly while Mummy gets sorted out, all right? 142 00:09:12,080 --> 00:09:14,355 Er... I need the thingy. 143 00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:26,269 (gasping) Quickly! 144 00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:31,955 Breathe in here. 145 00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:34,310 I'm having a fucking coronary, you dim bitch! 146 00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:36,396 Breathe in the bag. 147 00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:39,796 Breathe slowly. 148 00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:44,157 - That better? - I need an ECG! 149 00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:46,555 - You're having a panic attack. - It's my heart! 150 00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:48,636 Just keep breathing. 151 00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:52,430 Get me a fucking doctor, you f... 152 00:09:52,560 --> 00:09:56,633 Right, I let one f-word go. Do not use that word. It's ignorant and unnecessary. 153 00:09:56,760 --> 00:10:00,036 A simple ' get me a doctor, please' would have done. 154 00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:01,115 Right. 155 00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:03,390 Go back to work and think about your behaviour. 156 00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:05,476 - Yes. - Good. 157 00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:15,030 Right. I'll ask about watching an amputation, but I doubt they'll let you cut anything. 158 00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:16,798 Come on then. 159 00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:18,672 B... 160 00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:21,999 Oh, Robbie! 161 00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:27,114 Right. I have enough money to get rid of my debts, right, 162 00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:29,356 and buy a really nice jacket, 163 00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:32,677 but not enough money to... buy a castle. 164 00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:35,598 Right. And do you want a castle? 165 00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:37,233 No. 166 00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:38,839 What do you want then? 167 00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:41,997 Well, I just want to be told what is the best way to spend my money 168 00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:44,554 so that I don't feel guilty once it's all gone. 169 00:10:44,680 --> 00:10:48,116 Yeah, well, that... that... that is a tricky one. 170 00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:50,959 - Yeah, I know. - Yeah. Well, let me think. 171 00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:55,437 Erm... What to do? What to do? 172 00:10:55,560 --> 00:10:58,597 ( dummy ) Give Sue White all the money. 173 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:02,958 Give... What was that? Give... 174 00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:05,230 What did you say? 175 00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:08,875 I didn't say anything. I was just... like, you know, thinking. 176 00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:11,673 - Just thinking out aloud. - No, I'm just... 177 00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:14,439 Oh, right. 178 00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:17,313 Give me just time... Let me think. 179 00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:23,390 ( dummy ) Give Sue White all the money. Go on, give it to Sue. Give it to Sue. 180 00:11:24,760 --> 00:11:27,752 No, I don't want to give... 181 00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:32,317 Oh, fuck off, you fucking stapler! 182 00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:45,989 Morning, Dr Stained Pants. 183 00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:50,477 Yes. (chuckles ) Good morning, Messed Whore. 184 00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:55,349 Christ, Alan, you look like a northern junkie. Are you all right? 185 00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:57,436 Not really, no. I feel a bit liverish. 186 00:11:57,560 --> 00:11:59,232 - Liverish? - A bit liverish. 187 00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:00,998 You should do what I do. 188 00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:04,271 What, give suck jobs to dustbin men? 189 00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:09,076 - Fine. Suit yourself. - All right, no, come on. What do you do? 190 00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:10,838 A coffee enema. 191 00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:14,509 If God had wanted us to put coffee up our thingy, he'd have given us a funnel. 192 00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:18,918 Yeah, but every time I fart, it's like walking into Starbucks. 193 00:12:19,040 --> 00:12:21,998 That's how I get my kicks these days. 194 00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:25,236 But I didn't kill him! 195 00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:32,670 (stammering) Said the man... in the novel. 196 00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:37,316 It's about killing people. Not dwarves! 197 00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:44,188 Live, damn you, live! 198 00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:46,993 ( dummy ) Get off! Save yourself for Dr Macartney. 199 00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:50,237 Yeah. God, yeah. You're right, you're right, you're right. 200 00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:54,114 But Mac and Holly - I mean, what are we... what are we going to do, eh? 201 00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:57,312 - Destroy her. - Yes, good. How? 202 00:12:57,440 --> 00:12:59,396 Leave it to me. 203 00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:11,914 Oh! 204 00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:14,634 I think I'm having a breakdown. 205 00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:16,239 So am I. 206 00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:19,272 (gasps ) I can't breathe. 207 00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:21,152 No, neither can I. 208 00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:24,795 I can't think. I can't sneeze. I can't do this. 209 00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:27,992 A little bit. I can't swim. 210 00:13:28,120 --> 00:13:30,076 Oh. 211 00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:32,760 Everything's gone dwarf. 212 00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:35,075 I know. 213 00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:37,555 - You shouldn't be here. - Oh... 214 00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:40,112 What are we going to do? 215 00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:43,038 - Let's wee on each other. - No, no, no. Really, Alan. 216 00:13:43,160 --> 00:13:44,832 Let's have sex. 217 00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:49,158 - We have to keep away from each other. - Let's have sex separately. 218 00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:52,590 You're going to have to pull yourself together, Alan. 219 00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:03,832 Ever wonder why we do this? 220 00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:08,511 We could leave the gall stones in, but it does seem a waste of one of Guy's sleepy potions. 221 00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:12,679 Sleepy potions! Funny, scrawny, pasty little man. 222 00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:16,839 No, but... is what we do really worthwhile? 223 00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:18,996 Well, technically, yes. 224 00:14:19,120 --> 00:14:22,510 No, I mean... does what we do really make a difference? 225 00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:24,710 Try it blindfolded. More of a challenge. 226 00:14:24,840 --> 00:14:28,037 I can vouch for the fact more people leave this room alive than dead. 227 00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:30,799 There are people who are paid to count that stuff. 228 00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:35,391 - It doesn't help you sleep at night. - No. That's what booze and sex are for. 229 00:14:35,520 --> 00:14:38,193 - And wanking. - That's why you can't come round any more. 230 00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:40,276 - Pick a colour. - Pink. 231 00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:43,350 Pick a number. 232 00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:44,549 What did you just do? 233 00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:47,148 - Pick a number. - Three. 234 00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:49,430 - Pick another number. - Two. 235 00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:53,114 - ' Shave off all your bodily hair.' - Who wrote this? 236 00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:56,073 Me. Lucky you didn't get that - you have no bodily hair. 237 00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:58,873 - Neither do you. - I have a lot of bodily hair actually. 238 00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:04,120 You've got enough for all three of us and half the Greek Olympic team. 239 00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:10,715 Where are you going? 240 00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:15,834 Martin Dear is giving away free money and you don't even need to suck him off. 241 00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:36,919 You will regret the day you ever messed with me, little Miss Hollyhocks. 242 00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:45,796 Oh, Jesus! Manky bitch! 243 00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:53,553 Oh! ' Autumn Blaze.' 244 00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:58,589 ' Covers even the darkest hair shades.' 245 00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:12,469 Oh, you shouldn't be snooping in Holly's bag. 246 00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:14,591 Shut it! 247 00:16:14,720 --> 00:16:17,553 You shouldn't go snooping. 248 00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:19,796 Agh! Agh! Agh! 249 00:16:19,920 --> 00:16:21,876 Sawdust head, in you go. 250 00:16:24,160 --> 00:16:25,639 (banging) 251 00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:29,196 Yes, yes. That's it, you fucking pine nut! 252 00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:35,592 So, Mr Boyce, I'd very much like to convey to you my best wishes 253 00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:39,918 on your imminent elevation to the dizzy heights of house officer. 254 00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:43,669 If said appointment results in a greater sense of responsibility and maturity, 255 00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:46,633 then it is indeed a thing to be welcomed. 256 00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:48,478 Thank you, Alan. 257 00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:53,037 My only worry is that when I do become a fully fledged doctor such as your good self, 258 00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:57,073 I'll have to adopt an archaic use of words and a long-winded sentence structure. 259 00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:58,155 Pardon? 260 00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:01,989 It is my intention to disengage in this conversation forthwith. 261 00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:06,033 You know, you're in great danger of confusing an extensive vocabulary 262 00:17:06,160 --> 00:17:07,912 with fuddy-duddiness. 263 00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:09,996 - Don't you mean fuddy-duddity? - No. 264 00:17:10,120 --> 00:17:12,714 Your fuddy-dudditudinal attitude is only to be expected. 265 00:17:12,840 --> 00:17:14,717 You are at least 60 years older than me. 266 00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:17,798 Yes, well, my seniority in years notwithstanding... 267 00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:19,433 Nobody says notwithstanding. 268 00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:23,473 It's a perfectly reasonable... It's an ordinary reasonable word! 269 00:17:26,360 --> 00:17:28,874 Oh... Oh... 270 00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:31,036 Is this some sort of exercise? 271 00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:33,674 Well... 272 00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:36,276 No, no. 273 00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:39,276 This is... 274 00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:41,918 I... This is... 275 00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:44,190 Distortion... 276 00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:48,552 Everybody leave now. I think I'm going to go a bit... 277 00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:54,396 And, erm... 278 00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:59,037 There... there... there's... very... It's very... 279 00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:03,796 wib... wibbly. 280 00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,468 There we are. Come on, little man. There we are. 281 00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:08,919 - Boyce, give me life. - What? 282 00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:11,713 - Give me... Give me life... kiss of life. What? - 283 00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:13,353 - Give me the kiss of life. - What? 284 00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:16,870 No! You only give someone mouth-to-mouth when they're not breathing. 285 00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:18,752 Do as you're told! Kiss me! 286 00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:23,510 If you share with me your life's breath, or I... I will die! 287 00:18:23,640 --> 00:18:24,993 Oh, God! 288 00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:52,119 Oh, my God! What have you been eating? 289 00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:54,151 Kim. 290 00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:56,475 (mumbles ) 291 00:18:56,600 --> 00:18:58,875 Much better now. 292 00:19:02,160 --> 00:19:03,878 Lovely. 293 00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:06,434 OK, Ollie. We're ready for you. 294 00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:15,196 Oh, missed a bit. 295 00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:21,276 Hm! Ta. 296 00:19:30,280 --> 00:19:31,349 Hey. 297 00:19:31,480 --> 00:19:33,630 I'm dying, I'm dying! 298 00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:36,149 - We're all dying. - No, I'm dying very soon. 299 00:19:36,280 --> 00:19:40,876 My heart is beating very fast. It's like the foot of a tiny bunny. 300 00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:44,831 - Have you got myxomatosis? - No. 301 00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:48,430 Hot, hot, sweaty. Sweaty hot. Hot flushes... 302 00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:51,518 - Menopause? - I need... I need help. 303 00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:54,200 - Oh, you want me to section you? - No, tests. 304 00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:58,279 Scans and... investigative probing. 305 00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:00,550 OK, simple test. Erm... 306 00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:02,477 - Put your left leg in. - Right. 307 00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:03,828 - Your left leg out. - There. 308 00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:04,836 - In. - Yes. 309 00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:05,995 - Out. - Yes. 310 00:20:06,120 --> 00:20:08,793 - Mm... Shake it all about. - Right, there. 311 00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:11,559 OK. Yeah, that's what it's all about. 312 00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:15,434 - No, that's the hokey cokey! - Is it? I think it's more of a panic attack. 313 00:20:15,560 --> 00:20:18,279 - What should I do? - Do you do any sport? 314 00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:22,029 - I'm very proficient at Ping-Pong. - Yeah, but do you do any sport? 315 00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:28,229 Good. Do that, yeah. Do that. That's very good. 316 00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:47,238 What are you doing? 317 00:20:47,360 --> 00:20:48,873 I've got something in my tooth. 318 00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:50,956 Not you, you! 319 00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:54,789 - Oh, this is... This is my topmiler. - Oh, no duh! 320 00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:56,399 D'you play Guyball? 321 00:20:56,520 --> 00:21:01,116 I haven't for a couple of years, ever since I got a neck injury off Marcus Guisler. 322 00:21:01,240 --> 00:21:04,198 - He's the big Austrian. - Yeah, I know who he is. 323 00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:06,151 Oh, you play? 324 00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:09,238 I'm Guy Secretan. The Guy Secretan. 325 00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:12,909 I am to Guyball what William Webb Ellis is to wugby... rugby. 326 00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:16,633 So what's your settle rate? 327 00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:20,116 My settle rate is 37. 328 00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:20,877 37? 329 00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:25,198 But that's... that's with alternate stickles and it was a few years back. 330 00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:26,639 That's very good. 331 00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:28,955 - What's yours? - It's not a competition. 332 00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:30,911 Technically it's a competition. 333 00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:33,031 I can't remember. 334 00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:35,720 Although I did a lot of block fisting last year. 335 00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:39,037 I'm pretty sure you and I will meet across a parish soon. 336 00:21:39,160 --> 00:21:41,390 Yeah, I'm pretty sure too we'll meet. 337 00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:44,512 But I've just... I've got one shoulder lower than the other. 338 00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:46,790 I noticed that. 339 00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:52,198 - It feels so good. - Yeah. Looks so good. 340 00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:54,276 - Really? - (laughs ) 341 00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:58,359 Was that all right? I nearly said sticklebacks instead of stickles. 342 00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:00,550 - That was superb! - Really? 343 00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:04,798 I don't know, I feel a bit bad. I think we might have upset him. 344 00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:06,831 But that... that's... 345 00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:08,916 What? That's what? 346 00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:11,956 No, never mind. 347 00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:29,718 - You know what that is? - What? 348 00:22:29,840 --> 00:22:32,752 One, two, three. Stickle sense. 349 00:22:32,880 --> 00:22:34,950 It just never leaves you. 350 00:22:41,320 --> 00:22:43,072 Jesus Christ! 351 00:22:43,200 --> 00:22:45,919 - Hey... I got you a wee present. - What are you doing here? 352 00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:48,998 Do you know... Why are you not coming round my office any more? 353 00:22:49,120 --> 00:22:51,475 It's almost like you're trying to avoid me. 354 00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:54,239 - Oh, heaven forfend! - Your present. 355 00:22:54,360 --> 00:22:57,193 I shouldn't take that. It could seem a bit unprofessional. 356 00:22:57,320 --> 00:22:59,754 - You'll like it. - That's not the point though. 357 00:22:59,880 --> 00:23:02,872 Well, I have gone to a lot of trouble. I've hunted high and low. 358 00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:05,798 - Could you give it to the sick children? - No way. 359 00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:10,198 No, no, no. That is personal. You'll enjoy it. Come on. 360 00:23:10,320 --> 00:23:12,276 Come on. 361 00:24:19,040 --> 00:24:20,951 Smell my sweat. Hm? 362 00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:23,992 Smell my Ping-Pong pong. 363 00:25:05,240 --> 00:25:07,356 Oh, God. 364 00:25:07,480 --> 00:25:09,038 This is a nightmare. 365 00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:11,116 What is? 366 00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:17,876 Listen... It's going to sound crap whatever I say, however I say it. 367 00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:18,955 Say what? 368 00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:24,837 I've fucked up and I... I'm worried that you're not going to let me forget it. 369 00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:27,155 What do you mean? 370 00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:31,034 I want you, I want... I want us to have another go. 371 00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:34,960 Another go at what? 372 00:25:35,080 --> 00:25:37,036 I still love you, Holly. 373 00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:42,555 (mouths ) 374 00:25:42,680 --> 00:25:45,069 I knew you'd never get over me! This is so weird. 375 00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:47,031 - This is exactly how I planned it. - Is it? 376 00:25:47,160 --> 00:25:50,277 It's so strange. I knew you weren't serious about that weirdo Todd. 377 00:25:50,400 --> 00:25:52,709 - Yeah. - Really. 378 00:25:52,840 --> 00:25:56,355 - Kiss me, Mac. Kiss me. - Stop you there. Stop you there. 379 00:25:56,480 --> 00:26:01,076 This, Holly, is what is known as a honey trap. 380 00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:03,430 A Holly trap, if you like. 381 00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:07,439 Not admissible in a court of law perhaps, but it does confirm my suspicions. 382 00:26:07,560 --> 00:26:08,675 No. Ah... no. 383 00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:11,598 Or you have just walked straight into my Mac trap, 384 00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:14,518 - because I don't want to go out with you. - Oh, right, yeah. 385 00:26:14,640 --> 00:26:18,269 - Lighten up. - Talking of lightening up, who's this? 386 00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:20,595 That... That looks like me. 387 00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:22,233 Yeah, that's definitely you. 388 00:26:22,360 --> 00:26:26,512 Who's this little kid there with the lovely black hair? 389 00:26:28,080 --> 00:26:31,675 Oh, goodness me, is that Mackenzie? It's Mackenzie. 390 00:26:31,800 --> 00:26:34,678 Yeah, I remember now that his hair goes much, much lighter in the summer 391 00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:36,233 and a little bit auburny. 392 00:26:36,360 --> 00:26:37,839 What's this? 393 00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:42,715 Oh, yeah. I tend to buy that for a friend of mine who's phobic, for some reason, 394 00:26:42,840 --> 00:26:44,592 about buying hair dye. 395 00:26:44,720 --> 00:26:46,870 I'm not his dad, am I? 396 00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:53,350 - Wonder what would make you say that. - Ooh, er... DNA test? 397 00:26:55,320 --> 00:26:57,914 Laboratory mix-up? 398 00:26:58,040 --> 00:26:59,996 Who's the daddy? 399 00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:04,470 It's a secret. 400 00:27:04,600 --> 00:27:06,750 That's your speciality, isn't it? 401 00:27:38,280 --> 00:27:39,952 (grunts ) 402 00:27:40,080 --> 00:27:41,274 That's it. 403 00:27:41,400 --> 00:27:43,356 (grunts ) 404 00:27:45,440 --> 00:27:47,510 Ah... 405 00:27:47,640 --> 00:27:49,596 Oh... 406 00:27:59,080 --> 00:28:00,559 (screams ) 407 00:28:00,680 --> 00:28:03,752 Oh, God! 408 00:28:03,880 --> 00:28:06,838 (continues yelling and screaming) 409 00:28:47,440 --> 00:28:49,670 (sighs ) 410 00:28:49,800 --> 00:28:53,236 (blows whistle) Attention! She's trying to trap him. 411 00:28:53,360 --> 00:28:56,238 Attention! It's not his baby. 412 00:28:56,360 --> 00:28:58,555 But mine is! 413 00:28:58,680 --> 00:29:03,276 Attention! Achtung! It's not his baby, but mine is. 414 00:29:03,400 --> 00:29:06,836 Attention! It's not his baby, but mine is. 415 00:29:08,320 --> 00:29:09,673 What are you doing? 416 00:29:09,800 --> 00:29:14,032 None of your beeswax. It's on a need-to-know basis. 417 00:29:16,680 --> 00:29:20,514 Speak, or I ram this whistle down your oesophagus, so help me, God! 418 00:29:20,640 --> 00:29:23,837 It's not his, Holly's kid. She lied, dyed his hair. 419 00:29:23,960 --> 00:29:26,030 She's history. 420 00:29:26,160 --> 00:29:27,673 - What? - It's not his, Holly's kid. 421 00:29:27,800 --> 00:29:30,712 She lied, dyed his hair. She's history. 422 00:29:30,840 --> 00:29:33,593 - What? - It's not his, Holly's kid... 423 00:29:33,720 --> 00:29:39,033 It's not his, Holly's kid. She lied, dyed his hair. She's history. 424 00:29:39,160 --> 00:29:41,037 - Seriously? - Yeah, man. Yeah, yeah. 425 00:29:41,160 --> 00:29:44,948 And it was all me that found out, yeah. Me. Me, me, me, me, me, me 426 00:29:45,080 --> 00:29:48,629 Me, me, me, me, me, me. Me, me, me... 427 00:30:05,920 --> 00:30:07,876 Ohhh... 428 00:30:19,320 --> 00:30:21,880 No warning! 429 00:30:31,760 --> 00:30:34,228 New trainers. 430 00:30:34,360 --> 00:30:36,078 Are you all right? 431 00:30:36,200 --> 00:30:41,115 Let's put it this way. I think my son's hair is dyed. 432 00:30:42,360 --> 00:30:46,353 Oh, right. Well, have you checked to see whether his collar and cuffs match? 433 00:30:46,480 --> 00:30:49,358 Martin, he's four years old. 434 00:30:49,480 --> 00:30:50,549 Yeah, I know. 435 00:30:50,680 --> 00:30:55,310 But if it is dyed, do you see what that means? Do you see what that implies? 436 00:30:55,440 --> 00:30:59,911 It means he's probably quite vain about his appearance. Oh, my God, he's gay! 437 00:31:12,680 --> 00:31:16,070 I'm so sorry. Sorry. I got held up with an urgent case. 438 00:31:16,200 --> 00:31:17,553 That's OK. It's no problem. 439 00:31:17,680 --> 00:31:20,558 You must have been waiting for about an hour and a half. 440 00:31:20,680 --> 00:31:23,035 Yeah, it's no problem. 441 00:31:26,880 --> 00:31:31,032 I'm not sure that we should keep seeing each other. 442 00:31:35,400 --> 00:31:37,391 Well, you did that very well. Well done. 443 00:31:37,520 --> 00:31:41,035 No. No, don't congratulate me for dumping you, Jake. 444 00:31:41,160 --> 00:31:44,197 - Don't you mind? - Of course I mind... 445 00:31:44,320 --> 00:31:47,790 I'm not going to add to any upset by going on about how upset I am. 446 00:31:47,920 --> 00:31:51,390 Will you stop being so nice? It just makes it even harder. 447 00:31:51,520 --> 00:31:53,317 Can't you shout at me or something? 448 00:31:53,440 --> 00:31:55,271 Yes, I can shout, yes. 449 00:31:55,400 --> 00:31:56,594 (shouts ) I could shout 450 00:31:56,720 --> 00:32:00,679 about being strung along by someone who doesn't know their own mind! 451 00:32:00,800 --> 00:32:04,315 About someone who doesn't realise that the only person they want to be with 452 00:32:04,440 --> 00:32:07,830 is blatantly obvious to everybody but herself! 453 00:32:07,960 --> 00:32:09,712 Yes, I could shout! 454 00:32:09,840 --> 00:32:14,197 But shouting, really, it never gets anyone anywhere, does it? 455 00:32:15,440 --> 00:32:17,396 So you're not angry? 456 00:32:18,400 --> 00:32:21,153 - I'm not angry. - Don't say that, you've ruined it again. 457 00:32:21,280 --> 00:32:23,714 - Sorry, sorry. - Don't... No. 458 00:32:27,720 --> 00:32:29,676 I, erm... 459 00:32:32,760 --> 00:32:34,432 I bought you some shoes. 460 00:32:34,560 --> 00:32:37,233 Oh, don't you understand? It's too late for sh... 461 00:32:37,360 --> 00:32:40,079 Oh, those are lovely. 462 00:32:40,200 --> 00:32:43,636 No, no, I can't... I can't have them. I'm sorry. 463 00:32:45,240 --> 00:32:47,390 I'm really, really sorry. 464 00:32:56,200 --> 00:32:58,350 What's that? How come I didn't get any of that? 465 00:32:58,480 --> 00:33:01,517 It's a speciality dish, reserved for those who can appreciate it. 466 00:33:01,640 --> 00:33:03,551 - I bet I could appreciate it. - I doubt it. 467 00:33:03,680 --> 00:33:05,636 Yeah? Here. 468 00:33:34,520 --> 00:33:36,476 Mm... 469 00:33:39,360 --> 00:33:41,396 Yeah. What is it exactly? 470 00:33:42,440 --> 00:33:45,750 It's fresh umbilical. The midwife gets them for me. 471 00:33:45,880 --> 00:33:49,589 I get through about three a week... on average. 472 00:33:49,720 --> 00:33:51,870 - Seriously? - Seriously. 473 00:33:52,760 --> 00:33:55,718 I've just eaten umbilical cord? 474 00:33:55,840 --> 00:33:58,400 Fanny rope? 475 00:33:58,520 --> 00:34:00,988 - Twat twine? - Yeah. 476 00:34:01,120 --> 00:34:05,636 Well, it's tasty and it's packed full of nutrients, very good for the skin. 477 00:34:05,760 --> 00:34:07,637 I'm 72, actually. 478 00:34:07,760 --> 00:34:09,398 It is cooked though, isn't it? 479 00:34:09,520 --> 00:34:12,318 Uh-uh. Sushi. 480 00:34:12,440 --> 00:34:15,591 Fresh sushi. Very juicy. 481 00:34:21,400 --> 00:34:26,793 So, Mr Boyce, end-of-year shenanigans, is it? Hm? Well done. 482 00:34:26,920 --> 00:34:30,356 - What, you want to shake my hand? - Well, why not? 483 00:34:30,480 --> 00:34:35,474 Underneath that infantile exterior there lurks a conscientious soul, I dare say, so well done. 484 00:34:35,600 --> 00:34:38,194 You know, I think I'd rather have a hug. 485 00:34:38,320 --> 00:34:41,153 No, I think a handshake would be more appropriate, so... 486 00:34:41,280 --> 00:34:46,479 Really, I should give you a hug to say thank you for the help you've given me this year. 487 00:34:46,600 --> 00:34:51,355 Well... very well. Very well. No monkey business though. 488 00:34:54,240 --> 00:34:55,355 There, there. 489 00:34:55,480 --> 00:34:59,678 There. That's it, that's ended. That's the end. 490 00:34:59,800 --> 00:35:01,199 There, there, finished. 491 00:35:01,320 --> 00:35:04,437 No, that's the end. That's it, let go. You can let go. 492 00:35:04,560 --> 00:35:06,312 - I don't want to. - I'd rather you did. 493 00:35:06,440 --> 00:35:07,668 - Disentangle. Disengage. - No. 494 00:35:07,800 --> 00:35:08,869 - Yes. - No. 495 00:35:09,000 --> 00:35:10,752 - Oh, yes. - No. 496 00:35:10,880 --> 00:35:13,269 Not unless you come out with me for a meal tonight. 497 00:35:13,400 --> 00:35:15,197 - If I agree, will you let go? - Yes. 498 00:35:15,320 --> 00:35:17,675 Then I agree, I agree. There. 499 00:35:19,360 --> 00:35:22,113 Great. So swing by the Spice of Bengal about eight o clock. 500 00:35:22,240 --> 00:35:25,915 Yes. Yes, I can swing with the best of them. Don't you worry about that. 501 00:35:29,600 --> 00:35:31,830 Mind out, person dying. 502 00:35:41,600 --> 00:35:43,556 Hello? 503 00:35:44,520 --> 00:35:45,635 (Caroline) Hello? 504 00:35:45,760 --> 00:35:47,591 Hello? Hi, it's Guy, it's me. 505 00:35:47,720 --> 00:35:51,952 - Oh, my God! What are you doing in here? - You're not going out with Jake any more. 506 00:35:52,080 --> 00:35:55,470 Look, I'm in the middle of something quite urgent, so can we talk later? 507 00:35:55,600 --> 00:35:59,718 No, I have to say something to you right now. 508 00:35:59,840 --> 00:36:01,796 I like you. 509 00:36:06,280 --> 00:36:07,395 - Did you hear me? - Yep. 510 00:36:07,520 --> 00:36:09,033 - Well? - Well, what? 511 00:36:09,160 --> 00:36:12,869 - What do you think about me liking you? - I still won't sleep with you. Goodbye. 512 00:36:13,000 --> 00:36:16,470 I don't want to sleep with you. Well, obviously I do want to sleep with you, 513 00:36:16,600 --> 00:36:21,310 but it's not that. It's just I don't fancy women any more, apart from you, 514 00:36:21,440 --> 00:36:25,718 which is really weird, because there are so many more attractive women than you 515 00:36:25,840 --> 00:36:27,671 and I don't know... 516 00:36:27,800 --> 00:36:32,828 You're the only one... You're the only one that I can't get out of my head. 517 00:36:32,960 --> 00:36:36,191 You're the only one I dream about, the only one that makes my balls ache. 518 00:36:36,320 --> 00:36:41,269 I've just come to the conclusion that I don't just like you. 519 00:36:41,400 --> 00:36:45,154 I like you. I massively like you. 520 00:36:45,280 --> 00:36:49,398 And I... Oh, I suppose... Oh! 521 00:36:49,520 --> 00:36:52,637 I suppose what I'm trying to say is... 522 00:36:52,760 --> 00:36:54,716 I like you. 523 00:36:54,840 --> 00:36:56,796 There, I've said it. 524 00:36:57,880 --> 00:37:00,235 (Caroline) OK, thanks. Bye. 525 00:37:01,280 --> 00:37:03,874 ' Oh, thanks. Bye?' That's all you can say? 526 00:37:04,000 --> 00:37:08,152 - I've just poured my heart out to you. - Yeah. Bye now. 527 00:37:13,840 --> 00:37:17,719 (peeing) Oh, thank God. Oh! 528 00:37:19,440 --> 00:37:21,908 Maybe Mackenzie will like Bradford. 529 00:37:22,040 --> 00:37:25,874 Look, Mac, I'm sorry. I know what I did was sick and wrong, 530 00:37:26,000 --> 00:37:29,595 but you have to admit it was also very, very funny. 531 00:37:30,680 --> 00:37:32,432 Yeah. 532 00:37:32,560 --> 00:37:34,516 Go then. 533 00:37:36,600 --> 00:37:39,831 No, sorry. Let me rephrase that. Go now. 534 00:37:41,280 --> 00:37:43,236 OK, fair enough. 535 00:37:57,840 --> 00:38:00,400 - She's off then? - Yeah, yeah. 536 00:38:01,160 --> 00:38:05,472 - Shame. She was really nice. - Yeah, she was really, really nice. 537 00:38:05,600 --> 00:38:08,433 - I'm sorry. - What have you got to be sorry about? 538 00:38:08,560 --> 00:38:12,235 No, I mean I'm sorry for you. You'll make a great father one day. 539 00:38:12,360 --> 00:38:14,954 - So will you. - Thanks. 540 00:38:15,080 --> 00:38:16,752 I'm sorry too. 541 00:38:16,880 --> 00:38:20,793 - What have you got to be sorry about? - Er... Ooh... 542 00:38:20,920 --> 00:38:23,718 - For losing you. - Oh. 543 00:38:23,840 --> 00:38:27,549 The thing is, some things are lost forever 544 00:38:27,680 --> 00:38:30,911 and others are just misplaced for a bit. 545 00:38:32,040 --> 00:38:35,953 - Are you lost or misplaced? - Too early to tell. 546 00:38:36,080 --> 00:38:40,278 But I think I'm probably just misplaced. 547 00:39:00,400 --> 00:39:02,356 Ugh! 548 00:39:09,760 --> 00:39:14,356 This is nice. It's funny to think, if I'd married your mother, we'd all be... 549 00:39:14,480 --> 00:39:16,311 Yeah, all right! OK. Leave it. 550 00:39:17,200 --> 00:39:24,914 I wanted you to know that if I was to mislay anything that was extremely important to me, 551 00:39:25,040 --> 00:39:29,318 then I would probably rush down to the lost property office as soon as possible. 552 00:39:29,440 --> 00:39:30,919 - Even if it was shut? - Even if it was shut. 553 00:39:31,040 --> 00:39:34,635 Even if it was the middle of the bloody night, I would bang on the doors. 554 00:39:34,760 --> 00:39:37,877 There wouldn't be anybody there, they'd be at home in bed. 555 00:39:38,000 --> 00:39:39,752 You should go to their home address and bang on their door. 556 00:39:39,880 --> 00:39:42,348 - OK. I'll do that. - I'd get the police onto you. 557 00:39:42,480 --> 00:39:45,153 - Would you? - (giggles ) 558 00:39:45,280 --> 00:39:46,508 I'm a bit confused now. 559 00:39:46,640 --> 00:39:50,519 Am I still the lost property or do I run the lost property office? 560 00:39:50,640 --> 00:39:52,471 - I'll come back to you on that. - OK. 561 00:39:52,600 --> 00:39:53,510 (phone ringing) 562 00:39:53,640 --> 00:39:56,200 I'll get it. 563 00:39:56,320 --> 00:39:58,276 I'll get the phone. 564 00:40:00,280 --> 00:40:02,236 I'll just, er... 565 00:40:05,720 --> 00:40:07,517 Yeah, it's me. 566 00:40:07,640 --> 00:40:10,359 How's it going? Has anyone mentioned the dwarf? 567 00:40:10,480 --> 00:40:13,836 The dwarf? No, no. Do you think I should test the water? 568 00:40:13,960 --> 00:40:16,838 Do you think I should check if anyone's heard anything? 569 00:40:16,960 --> 00:40:18,279 How about no? 570 00:40:18,400 --> 00:40:21,358 - Well, no, I would have done it discreetly. - Not possible. 571 00:40:21,480 --> 00:40:23,436 Guy. What about you? 572 00:40:23,560 --> 00:40:26,632 Well, who's the best-looking person you've been compared to? 573 00:40:26,760 --> 00:40:28,830 Yeah, in my case it's Jude Law. 574 00:40:28,960 --> 00:40:31,110 And the worst person you've been compared to? 575 00:40:31,240 --> 00:40:32,514 Brigitte Nielsen. 576 00:40:32,640 --> 00:40:36,952 Yeah, I'm sorry. This concept is just far too sophisticated for me. 577 00:40:37,080 --> 00:40:39,913 My turn. Best - Angelina Jolie. 578 00:40:40,040 --> 00:40:42,315 - Ah, very nice. - And worst - Miss Piggy. 579 00:40:42,440 --> 00:40:43,316 Ah... 580 00:40:43,440 --> 00:40:46,159 I want to talk to the Growler. 581 00:40:46,280 --> 00:40:47,315 It's not convenient. 582 00:40:47,440 --> 00:40:49,396 No, no, I want to. 583 00:40:55,840 --> 00:40:58,877 Hello, is that the Growler? Is it? 584 00:40:59,000 --> 00:41:00,228 Grr grr grr. 585 00:41:00,840 --> 00:41:06,597 This is Doctor Sniffy come to visit you in your little panty cabin. 586 00:41:06,720 --> 00:41:09,188 - Are you done yet? - Sniff, sniff, sniff. Mm... Sniff. 587 00:41:09,320 --> 00:41:13,632 Shall I give you a great big mouthy muff nuzzle? Yes, let's play yum-yums. 588 00:41:13,760 --> 00:41:17,036 - Hello, Dr Statham! - Oh, what? Hello? 589 00:41:17,160 --> 00:41:19,515 Hello, Dr Statham! 590 00:41:19,640 --> 00:41:21,358 Er... Hello, Joanna? 591 00:41:21,480 --> 00:41:24,677 Well, OK. Best - Wayne Sleep. 592 00:41:24,800 --> 00:41:26,552 (laughter) 593 00:41:26,680 --> 00:41:27,874 Worst - Dustin Hoffman. 594 00:41:28,000 --> 00:41:30,468 Ah... Wayne Sleep's lovely. 595 00:41:30,600 --> 00:41:34,195 Ah, Dr Statham, Dr Statham. Right, here he is. OK, who's your best? 596 00:41:34,320 --> 00:41:35,878 - Your very best? - Pardon? 597 00:41:36,000 --> 00:41:39,675 We're playing a comparisons game and we've all said who our best and worst is, 598 00:41:39,800 --> 00:41:41,074 so who's yours? 599 00:41:41,200 --> 00:41:44,317 - I'm not at liberty to say. - We've all shared with each other. 600 00:41:44,440 --> 00:41:46,351 - Come on, Alan. - It's a truth game. 601 00:41:46,480 --> 00:41:48,755 - This is the circle of trust. - No, I can't. 602 00:41:48,880 --> 00:41:52,998 Well, OK. That's fine. You can't be in our gang. 603 00:41:53,120 --> 00:41:54,633 All right, all right. 604 00:41:54,760 --> 00:42:00,551 The worst, erm... I was 23. She was called Phillipa Matthews. 605 00:42:00,680 --> 00:42:04,309 I was inexperienced. She was in the middle of a very heavy menstrual cycle 606 00:42:04,440 --> 00:42:07,557 and there was a lot of unpleasantness and anger. 607 00:42:10,360 --> 00:42:12,237 And the best one? 608 00:42:12,360 --> 00:42:13,634 Oh, well, erm... 609 00:42:13,760 --> 00:42:17,070 As at least one other person here would agree, no contest. Joanna Clore! 610 00:42:17,200 --> 00:42:19,430 (laughter) 611 00:42:19,560 --> 00:42:23,678 Perfect person to have a sexual relationship with. You name it, she'll do it. 612 00:42:23,800 --> 00:42:24,755 Oh! 613 00:42:26,280 --> 00:42:28,635 So, am I in your gang now? 614 00:42:29,960 --> 00:42:32,952 - Yep. - Oh, good. So what was everybody else's? 615 00:42:33,080 --> 00:42:36,356 I don't... I don't really think that that matters any more. 616 00:42:36,480 --> 00:42:38,948 But I think what we need is more wine! So let's get some. 617 00:42:39,080 --> 00:42:42,470 As your mother would say, Martin, bottoms up! 618 00:42:42,600 --> 00:42:45,353 In... the cupboard. 619 00:42:48,680 --> 00:42:50,352 To being dumped. 620 00:42:51,320 --> 00:42:53,276 Absent women. 621 00:42:55,200 --> 00:42:56,553 Cheers, Caroline. 622 00:42:56,680 --> 00:42:59,433 Cheers, erm... 623 00:42:59,560 --> 00:43:01,915 - Harriet. - Harriet. Harriet. 624 00:43:07,960 --> 00:43:09,837 There's your friend, look. 625 00:43:09,960 --> 00:43:11,109 Jesus! 626 00:43:11,240 --> 00:43:13,913 Laugh, laugh. Then maybe she won't come over. Please. 627 00:43:14,040 --> 00:43:15,996 (they laugh ) 628 00:43:17,720 --> 00:43:18,835 It gets me every time. 629 00:43:18,960 --> 00:43:20,996 Hello, boys. What's the joke? 630 00:43:21,120 --> 00:43:23,315 - I can't... - I can't remember what we said. 631 00:43:23,440 --> 00:43:26,989 - It wasn't very funny, but... - Go on, share, share. 632 00:43:27,120 --> 00:43:30,476 - We were just having a private conversation. - That's right. 633 00:43:30,600 --> 00:43:32,636 Not very friendly, is it? 634 00:43:35,960 --> 00:43:38,315 - Cosy. - Yeah. 635 00:43:40,520 --> 00:43:42,670 Share a cab later? 636 00:43:42,800 --> 00:43:44,597 Erm... yeah, I'm not sure. 637 00:43:44,720 --> 00:43:46,870 You're not going back with Mr Gullible, are you? 638 00:43:47,000 --> 00:43:49,036 - Well, I... - Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. 639 00:43:49,160 --> 00:43:50,878 - What? - Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. 640 00:43:51,000 --> 00:43:51,955 Why shouldn't I? 641 00:43:52,080 --> 00:43:54,196 Have you forgotten what he's put you through? 642 00:43:54,320 --> 00:43:58,313 Forgotten - no, forgiven - perhaps. I can see the situation he was in. 643 00:43:58,440 --> 00:44:02,752 Forgiven already? No no no no no no, no no no no, no no no, no no no. 644 00:44:02,880 --> 00:44:05,519 - What? - He has to be shown that it hurt. 645 00:44:05,640 --> 00:44:08,108 Mm-hm? And what would you recommend? 646 00:44:08,240 --> 00:44:12,518 Well, I would recommend that you come back with me and I'll help you through the pain. 647 00:44:12,640 --> 00:44:14,870 That is far, far too good of you. 648 00:44:15,000 --> 00:44:18,310 I know, but, hey, what are lodgers for? 649 00:44:18,440 --> 00:44:20,829 Paying rent. 650 00:44:20,960 --> 00:44:22,712 I hate you. 651 00:44:24,880 --> 00:44:26,632 Rent boy. 652 00:44:37,640 --> 00:44:43,476 Did you ever think that maybe we just weren't supposed to get together? 653 00:44:44,320 --> 00:44:45,355 Why would you say that? 654 00:44:45,480 --> 00:44:50,508 Oh, you know, the coma, the memory loss, Holly. 655 00:44:50,640 --> 00:44:54,110 It just seems like destiny is agin us. 656 00:44:54,240 --> 00:44:56,151 ' Agin us' ? 657 00:44:56,280 --> 00:45:00,512 It's like ' against' only it's just a bit more olderer. 658 00:45:17,240 --> 00:45:19,276 Hah! I'm here! 659 00:45:20,320 --> 00:45:22,436 Yeah. Sorry I'm late. 660 00:45:22,560 --> 00:45:27,475 First things first. I have got a petite announcement-ette to make. 661 00:45:27,600 --> 00:45:30,717 Ladies and gentlemen... 662 00:45:33,160 --> 00:45:36,516 I am pregnant! Oh, yes, that's right. 663 00:45:36,640 --> 00:45:39,359 Heavy, heavy with child. 664 00:45:39,480 --> 00:45:41,948 And the best bit is, it's... 665 00:45:42,080 --> 00:45:43,229 yours! 666 00:45:44,720 --> 00:45:48,349 - Mine? - No, it's Dr Macartney's! 667 00:45:48,480 --> 00:45:50,436 - Yes! - For fuck's sake... 668 00:45:50,560 --> 00:45:51,834 No, wait, wait, wait! 669 00:45:51,960 --> 00:45:54,918 No, let's try this again tomorrow, shall we? 670 00:45:55,040 --> 00:45:57,031 - Thanks, Boycie! - See you. 671 00:45:57,160 --> 00:45:59,469 I didn't want to break up the happy couple. 672 00:45:59,600 --> 00:46:01,955 We're not a couple! That would be far too simple! 673 00:46:02,080 --> 00:46:04,310 They're not a couple. 674 00:46:04,440 --> 00:46:05,873 You're not pregnant. 675 00:46:06,000 --> 00:46:07,956 Really? 676 00:46:14,720 --> 00:46:16,915 Fancy a threesome? 677 00:46:17,040 --> 00:46:18,996 Not really, no. 678 00:46:19,720 --> 00:46:23,235 - Looks like it's just you and me, Lyndie. - No... thanks. 679 00:46:23,360 --> 00:46:25,510 No, we... we're gay. 680 00:46:26,680 --> 00:46:30,116 No, you're not. You've been out with Todd the Plod. 681 00:46:30,240 --> 00:46:32,037 Thought she was a man. 682 00:46:32,160 --> 00:46:35,869 As soon as I found out she had a... vulva, I dumped her. 683 00:46:36,880 --> 00:46:40,873 And, erm... I've just come out as a gay. 684 00:46:43,960 --> 00:46:45,313 - I see. - Mm. 685 00:46:45,440 --> 00:46:47,795 - Sorry. - Yeah. Sorry. Bye. 686 00:46:48,880 --> 00:46:51,599 Fine. Kiss. 687 00:46:51,720 --> 00:46:53,233 - What? - What? 688 00:46:53,360 --> 00:46:55,237 Kiss. 689 00:46:55,360 --> 00:46:58,318 If you're gay, kiss and then I'll go. 690 00:47:31,040 --> 00:47:32,996 Fags! 691 00:47:35,480 --> 00:47:38,552 It seems like everything I touch now turns to gold. 692 00:47:38,680 --> 00:47:41,319 - I had a big win on the old scratchcards. - Yeah? 693 00:47:41,440 --> 00:47:44,318 Yeah. Yeah. And my psoriasis has gone into remission too. 694 00:47:44,440 --> 00:47:48,797 - Stuff like that happens all the time, mate. - Well, not to me. I feel I'm blessed. 695 00:47:48,920 --> 00:47:52,276 You ought to put your money where your mouth is. Fiver a go? 696 00:47:52,400 --> 00:47:54,356 - Well, go on, then. - OK. 697 00:47:55,560 --> 00:47:56,959 Heads. 698 00:47:57,080 --> 00:47:57,830 Tails. 699 00:47:57,960 --> 00:47:59,916 Yeah, well, yeah... 700 00:48:01,240 --> 00:48:03,390 - Heads. - Tails. 701 00:48:04,160 --> 00:48:06,310 Caroline was a lucky girl. 702 00:48:07,920 --> 00:48:09,876 Thanks, mate. 703 00:48:12,320 --> 00:48:15,153 I've had a tattoo done - of your favourite thing. 704 00:48:15,280 --> 00:48:16,395 What? 705 00:48:16,520 --> 00:48:18,795 - Do you want to see it? - No. 706 00:48:19,920 --> 00:48:21,911 Fancy doing it again with no clothes on? 707 00:48:22,040 --> 00:48:23,996 (both ) No. 708 00:48:27,880 --> 00:48:29,711 See how much I love you? There. 709 00:48:29,840 --> 00:48:31,956 - Where? - There. 710 00:48:32,080 --> 00:48:33,877 Heads! 711 00:48:34,000 --> 00:48:35,752 Tails! 712 00:48:35,880 --> 00:48:37,996 - Tails! - Heads. 713 00:48:38,760 --> 00:48:44,835 Rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a tub, and who do you think's been there? 714 00:48:44,960 --> 00:48:49,112 The butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker... 715 00:48:50,880 --> 00:48:53,348 various family members. 716 00:48:54,800 --> 00:48:55,869 Is that a cow? 717 00:48:56,000 --> 00:49:00,152 You said it was your favourite thing, so I had one put on my ribs. 718 00:49:00,280 --> 00:49:02,077 What is? 719 00:49:02,200 --> 00:49:05,431 A Friesian, one of your favourite things. 720 00:49:06,480 --> 00:49:10,632 - What is? - A Friesian, one of your favourite things. 721 00:49:14,680 --> 00:49:17,877 Freesia. Freesia - the flower! 722 00:49:27,040 --> 00:49:28,996 - You sure? - Sure. 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net