I think you should find out if you'd be good at the whole fathery thing.
To friendship.
And beyond.
You need to make him scream like a little girl.
Arrrrghhh!
(Statham screams )
- He's my cousin! - He can't be, he's green.
- Oh, oh! - Ow!
Bury him. We'll need a...
Throw him in the incinerator.
I think we made a mistake, Dr Macartney.
(answerphone beeps ) Message deleted.
Hi. Can I get ten scratchcards, please?
Yeah, that's GBP10, please.
Right. The thing is, I'm thinking, OK,
that if I get ten scratchcards I'm more than likely going to win GBP10.
So can you just take it out of the winnings?
Er... no.
But I'm bound to win GBP10.
You might not.
OK. If I win, right, you can take 10% of the winnings.
Make it 25% .
20.
35.
- 30. - 50.
40, and that's my last offer.
70.
All right, then. Done.
Hello. Do you sell any of those shoes stretcher thingies?
We've got them for boots or shoes.
- Which is the biggest? - Boots.
Then a boot stretcher it is, young man.
That's GBP7.99 a pair.
Splendid action.
- You only want one? - Aye. I'm having a baby
and I just want to make sure it can fit through the door.
Parcel through the letter box. Bun out of the oven.
Troops out of the landing craft.
( door rattles )
Come on, sleepyhead. Time for school.
Morning.
- Are you legal? - What?
Are you legal, or am I going to end up on some kind of a register?
Oh, right. Yeah, I'm legal.
Oh, good.
- Just. - What?
Just.
It was my birthday yesterday.
That's why I was out after ten.
Oh, God...
Brick out of the front shitter.
Watermelon out of your Jap's eye.
(she pants )
Oh, my God!
My God!
What?
I've won ten grand!
- Shut up, no. - Shut up, yes!
- Oh, my God, that's seven grand all for me. - What?
Three grand for you, seven grand for me. Our deal. Yes!
Yes! Whoo! Oh, come on, you won three grand!
Wahoo! Yes!
Not one, not two, but three grand. Whoo-hoo!
Don't think about it. Just don't think about it. Who? The dwarf?
I don't know what you mean. Why would I think about him?
You've given him very little thought? Yes.
Is that because he is very little? Not at all.
So he's not... not at all... not a tall man.
- Morning, Dr Statham. - A very small man.
- So it's off to work we go, then. - Sorry, do you mean ' heigh ho' ?
What?
Heigh ho, heigh ho, it's off to work then, is it?
Oh, like the song. If you like.
- Heigh ho, heigh ho... - No, ssh, ssh, don't sing it.
A dwarf might hear you. What then?
- A dwarf? - Yes. Don't say the word though.
You said it and I don't think there are many dwarves here.
No, exactly. And not because they've been killed, obviously.
There might have been though, so it's lucky for you. Your lucky day, Mr Boyce.
What, because I'm too tall to be a dwarf?
- Where? - Just up there!
No! Not...
Not in the sky.
- Are you all right? - Fine.
- Get inside and stop looking suspicious. - I keep seeing dwarves.
I keep seeing Harry Potter underpants.
- Hi. - Hi.
So, there's a consultancy?
Yeah, Mario's leaving, so it's between me and Richard.
- Wow. Good luck. - Thank you.
Erm... I'd just like to take this opportunity to ask, in a very genuine sense,
how things are going with your newly discovered son?
I'd like to take this opportunity
to remark upon the sincerity I felt was evident behind that genuine enquiry.
Yeah, well, it's my new thing.
Every time I hide my true feelings, in the interests of another human being,
I reward myself with a mini Mars bar.
Oh, nice. Nice.
So, it's all OK?
Yeah, all OK. Yes, thank you.
And I was very... glad to hear that you're seeing someone. Jake, isn't it?
Yes. Thanks.
- Mini Mars bar? - I'll take two.
- Hi. Hi. - How are you?
Oh... Mm... How's the wound?
- Oh, it's OK, it's cool, yeah. - Are you taking any painkillers?
- No, no. Alternative therapies. - Oh, yeah, yeah, right.
What, like... like kissing it better?
It might work.
Oh, oh.
OK, then.
Oh, I'm so sorry!
Are you OK?
- Hmm... - No? Should I?
Yeah?
- Are you ready? - Mm.
- Oh, that's nice. - How's that?
Hey!
Hey, hey, hey. I was sorry to hear about your accident.
Well, hey, that's fine. I mean, you know, things happen.
Yeah, yeah. Swiss army knives are always landing on people's heads.
- I think it fell out of an aeroplane. - Really? Or maybe a magpie dropped it.
Yes, when it yawned.
Yeah, well, that's actually quite likely.
Yeah. I mean, do you...
Do you... Do you... Did it affect your brain?
Do you still believe that eating weeds can cure people?
It's not just weeds.
- There's a lot of therapies... - Yeah. Can it cure that?
- Owee! - Owee! Oh, owee!
Try not to be such a girl about it, OK?
Excuse us for one minute. Yes?
What is the matter with you?
He's... he's not... he's not good enough for you.
Oh? Then who is?
Someone... Someone less nice.
Go away and think about how little sense that makes. Will you?
Don't move.
Don't come with me.
(gasps )
OK, you sit here quietly while Mummy gets sorted out, all right?
Er... I need the thingy.
(gasping) Quickly!
Breathe in here.
I'm having a fucking coronary, you dim bitch!
Breathe in the bag.
Breathe slowly.
- That better? - I need an ECG!
- You're having a panic attack. - It's my heart!
Just keep breathing.
Get me a fucking doctor, you f...
Right, I let one f-word go. Do not use that word. It's ignorant and unnecessary.
A simple ' get me a doctor, please' would have done.
Right.
Go back to work and think about your behaviour.
- Yes. - Good.
Right. I'll ask about watching an amputation, but I doubt they'll let you cut anything.
Come on then.
B...
Oh, Robbie!
Right. I have enough money to get rid of my debts, right,
and buy a really nice jacket,
but not enough money to... buy a castle.
Right. And do you want a castle?
No.
What do you want then?
Well, I just want to be told what is the best way to spend my money
so that I don't feel guilty once it's all gone.
Yeah, well, that... that... that is a tricky one.
- Yeah, I know. - Yeah. Well, let me think.
Erm... What to do? What to do?
( dummy ) Give Sue White all the money.
Give... What was that? Give...
What did you say?
I didn't say anything. I was just... like, you know, thinking.
- Just thinking out aloud. - No, I'm just...
Oh, right.
Give me just time... Let me think.
( dummy ) Give Sue White all the money. Go on, give it to Sue. Give it to Sue.
No, I don't want to give...
Oh, fuck off, you fucking stapler!
Morning, Dr Stained Pants.
Yes. (chuckles ) Good morning, Messed Whore.
Christ, Alan, you look like a northern junkie. Are you all right?
Not really, no. I feel a bit liverish.
- Liverish? - A bit liverish.
You should do what I do.
What, give suck jobs to dustbin men?
- Fine. Suit yourself. - All right, no, come on. What do you do?
A coffee enema.
If God had wanted us to put coffee up our thingy, he'd have given us a funnel.
Yeah, but every time I fart, it's like walking into Starbucks.
That's how I get my kicks these days.
But I didn't kill him!
(stammering) Said the man... in the novel.
It's about killing people. Not dwarves!
Live, damn you, live!
( dummy ) Get off! Save yourself for Dr Macartney.
Yeah. God, yeah. You're right, you're right, you're right.
But Mac and Holly - I mean, what are we... what are we going to do, eh?
- Destroy her. - Yes, good. How?
Leave it to me.
Oh!
I think I'm having a breakdown.
So am I.
(gasps ) I can't breathe.
No, neither can I.
I can't think. I can't sneeze. I can't do this.
A little bit. I can't swim.
Oh.
Everything's gone dwarf.
I know.
- You shouldn't be here. - Oh...
What are we going to do?
- Let's wee on each other. - No, no, no. Really, Alan.
Let's have sex.
- We have to keep away from each other. - Let's have sex separately.
You're going to have to pull yourself together, Alan.
Ever wonder why we do this?
We could leave the gall stones in, but it does seem a waste of one of Guy's sleepy potions.
Sleepy potions! Funny, scrawny, pasty little man.
No, but... is what we do really worthwhile?
Well, technically, yes.
No, I mean... does what we do really make a difference?
Try it blindfolded. More of a challenge.
I can vouch for the fact more people leave this room alive than dead.
There are people who are paid to count that stuff.
- It doesn't help you sleep at night. - No. That's what booze and sex are for.
- And wanking. - That's why you can't come round any more.
- Pick a colour. - Pink.
Pick a number.
What did you just do?
- Pick a number. - Three.
- Pick another number. - Two.
- ' Shave off all your bodily hair.' - Who wrote this?
Me. Lucky you didn't get that - you have no bodily hair.
- Neither do you. - I have a lot of bodily hair actually.
You've got enough for all three of us and half the Greek Olympic team.
Where are you going?
Martin Dear is giving away free money and you don't even need to suck him off.
You will regret the day you ever messed with me, little Miss Hollyhocks.
Oh, Jesus! Manky bitch!
Oh! ' Autumn Blaze.'
' Covers even the darkest hair shades.'
Oh, you shouldn't be snooping in Holly's bag.
Shut it!
You shouldn't go snooping.
Agh! Agh! Agh!
Sawdust head, in you go.
(banging)
Yes, yes. That's it, you fucking pine nut!
So, Mr Boyce, I'd very much like to convey to you my best wishes
on your imminent elevation to the dizzy heights of house officer.
If said appointment results in a greater sense of responsibility and maturity,
then it is indeed a thing to be welcomed.
Thank you, Alan.
My only worry is that when I do become a fully fledged doctor such as your good self,
I'll have to adopt an archaic use of words and a long-winded sentence structure.
Pardon?
It is my intention to disengage in this conversation forthwith.
You know, you're in great danger of confusing an extensive vocabulary
with fuddy-duddiness.
- Don't you mean fuddy-duddity? - No.
Your fuddy-dudditudinal attitude is only to be expected.
You are at least 60 years older than me.
Yes, well, my seniority in years notwithstanding...
Nobody says notwithstanding.
It's a perfectly reasonable... It's an ordinary reasonable word!
Oh... Oh...
Is this some sort of exercise?
Well...
No, no.
This is...
I... This is...
Distortion...
Everybody leave now. I think I'm going to go a bit...
And, erm...
There... there... there's... very... It's very...
wib... wibbly.
There we are. Come on, little man. There we are.
- Boyce, give me life. - What?
- Give me... Give me life... kiss of life. What? -
- Give me the kiss of life. - What?
No! You only give someone mouth-to-mouth when they're not breathing.
Do as you're told! Kiss me!
If you share with me your life's breath, or I... I will die!
Oh, God!
Oh, my God! What have you been eating?
Kim.
(mumbles )
Much better now.
Lovely.
OK, Ollie. We're ready for you.
Oh, missed a bit.
Hm! Ta.
Hey.
I'm dying, I'm dying!
- We're all dying. - No, I'm dying very soon.
My heart is beating very fast. It's like the foot of a tiny bunny.
- Have you got myxomatosis? - No.
Hot, hot, sweaty. Sweaty hot. Hot flushes...
- Menopause? - I need... I need help.
- Oh, you want me to section you? - No, tests.
Scans and... investigative probing.
OK, simple test. Erm...
- Put your left leg in. - Right.
- Your left leg out. - There.
- In. - Yes.
- Out. - Yes.
- Mm... Shake it all about. - Right, there.
OK. Yeah, that's what it's all about.
- No, that's the hokey cokey! - Is it? I think it's more of a panic attack.
- What should I do? - Do you do any sport?
- I'm very proficient at Ping-Pong. - Yeah, but do you do any sport?
Good. Do that, yeah. Do that. That's very good.
What are you doing?
I've got something in my tooth.
Not you, you!
- Oh, this is... This is my topmiler. - Oh, no duh!
D'you play Guyball?
I haven't for a couple of years, ever since I got a neck injury off Marcus Guisler.
- He's the big Austrian. - Yeah, I know who he is.
Oh, you play?
I'm Guy Secretan. The Guy Secretan.
I am to Guyball what William Webb Ellis is to wugby... rugby.
So what's your settle rate?
My settle rate is 37.
37?
But that's... that's with alternate stickles and it was a few years back.
That's very good.
- What's yours? - It's not a competition.
Technically it's a competition.
I can't remember.
Although I did a lot of block fisting last year.
I'm pretty sure you and I will meet across a parish soon.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure too we'll meet.
But I've just... I've got one shoulder lower than the other.
I noticed that.
- It feels so good. - Yeah. Looks so good.
- Really? - (laughs )
Was that all right? I nearly said sticklebacks instead of stickles.
- That was superb! - Really?
I don't know, I feel a bit bad. I think we might have upset him.
But that... that's...
What? That's what?
No, never mind.
- You know what that is? - What?
One, two, three. Stickle sense.
It just never leaves you.
Jesus Christ!
- Hey... I got you a wee present. - What are you doing here?
Do you know... Why are you not coming round my office any more?
It's almost like you're trying to avoid me.
- Oh, heaven forfend! - Your present.
I shouldn't take that. It could seem a bit unprofessional.
- You'll like it. - That's not the point though.
Well, I have gone to a lot of trouble. I've hunted high and low.
- Could you give it to the sick children? - No way.
No, no, no. That is personal. You'll enjoy it. Come on.
Come on.
Smell my sweat. Hm?
Smell my Ping-Pong pong.
Oh, God.
This is a nightmare.
What is?
Listen... It's going to sound crap whatever I say, however I say it.
Say what?
I've fucked up and I... I'm worried that you're not going to let me forget it.
What do you mean?
I want you, I want... I want us to have another go.
Another go at what?
I still love you, Holly.
(mouths )
I knew you'd never get over me! This is so weird.
- This is exactly how I planned it. - Is it?
It's so strange. I knew you weren't serious about that weirdo Todd.
- Yeah. - Really.
- Kiss me, Mac. Kiss me. - Stop you there. Stop you there.
This, Holly, is what is known as a honey trap.
A Holly trap, if you like.
Not admissible in a court of law perhaps, but it does confirm my suspicions.
No. Ah... no.
Or you have just walked straight into my Mac trap,
- because I don't want to go out with you. - Oh, right, yeah.
- Lighten up. - Talking of lightening up, who's this?
That... That looks like me.
Yeah, that's definitely you.
Who's this little kid there with the lovely black hair?
Oh, goodness me, is that Mackenzie? It's Mackenzie.
Yeah, I remember now that his hair goes much, much lighter in the summer
and a little bit auburny.
What's this?
Oh, yeah. I tend to buy that for a friend of mine who's phobic, for some reason,
about buying hair dye.
I'm not his dad, am I?
- Wonder what would make you say that. - Ooh, er... DNA test?
Laboratory mix-up?
Who's the daddy?
It's a secret.
That's your speciality, isn't it?
(grunts )
That's it.
(grunts )
Ah...
Oh...
(screams )
Oh, God!
(continues yelling and screaming)
(sighs )
(blows whistle) Attention! She's trying to trap him.
Attention! It's not his baby.
But mine is!
Attention! Achtung! It's not his baby, but mine is.
Attention! It's not his baby, but mine is.
What are you doing?
None of your beeswax. It's on a need-to-know basis.
Speak, or I ram this whistle down your oesophagus, so help me, God!
It's not his, Holly's kid. She lied, dyed his hair.
She's history.
- What? - It's not his, Holly's kid.
She lied, dyed his hair. She's history.
- What? - It's not his, Holly's kid...
It's not his, Holly's kid. She lied, dyed his hair. She's history.
- Seriously? - Yeah, man. Yeah, yeah.
And it was all me that found out, yeah. Me. Me, me, me, me, me, me
Me, me, me, me, me, me. Me, me, me...
Ohhh...
No warning!
New trainers.
Are you all right?
Let's put it this way. I think my son's hair is dyed.
Oh, right. Well, have you checked to see whether his collar and cuffs match?
Martin, he's four years old.
Yeah, I know.
But if it is dyed, do you see what that means? Do you see what that implies?
It means he's probably quite vain about his appearance. Oh, my God, he's gay!
I'm so sorry. Sorry. I got held up with an urgent case.
That's OK. It's no problem.
You must have been waiting for about an hour and a half.
Yeah, it's no problem.
I'm not sure that we should keep seeing each other.
Well, you did that very well. Well done.
No. No, don't congratulate me for dumping you, Jake.
- Don't you mind? - Of course I mind...
I'm not going to add to any upset by going on about how upset I am.
Will you stop being so nice? It just makes it even harder.
Can't you shout at me or something?
Yes, I can shout, yes.
(shouts ) I could shout
about being strung along by someone who doesn't know their own mind!
About someone who doesn't realise that the only person they want to be with
is blatantly obvious to everybody but herself!
Yes, I could shout!
But shouting, really, it never gets anyone anywhere, does it?
So you're not angry?
- I'm not angry. - Don't say that, you've ruined it again.
- Sorry, sorry. - Don't... No.
I, erm...
I bought you some shoes.
Oh, don't you understand? It's too late for sh...
Oh, those are lovely.
No, no, I can't... I can't have them. I'm sorry.
I'm really, really sorry.
What's that? How come I didn't get any of that?
It's a speciality dish, reserved for those who can appreciate it.
- I bet I could appreciate it. - I doubt it.
Yeah? Here.
Mm...
Yeah. What is it exactly?
It's fresh umbilical. The midwife gets them for me.
I get through about three a week... on average.
- Seriously? - Seriously.
I've just eaten umbilical cord?
Fanny rope?
- Twat twine? - Yeah.
Well, it's tasty and it's packed full of nutrients, very good for the skin.
I'm 72, actually.
It is cooked though, isn't it?
Uh-uh. Sushi.
Fresh sushi. Very juicy.
So, Mr Boyce, end-of-year shenanigans, is it? Hm? Well done.
- What, you want to shake my hand? - Well, why not?
Underneath that infantile exterior there lurks a conscientious soul, I dare say, so well done.
You know, I think I'd rather have a hug.
No, I think a handshake would be more appropriate, so...
Really, I should give you a hug to say thank you for the help you've given me this year.
Well... very well. Very well. No monkey business though.
There, there.
There. That's it, that's ended. That's the end.
There, there, finished.
No, that's the end. That's it, let go. You can let go.
- I don't want to. - I'd rather you did.
- Disentangle. Disengage. - No.
- Yes. - No.
- Oh, yes. - No.
Not unless you come out with me for a meal tonight.
- If I agree, will you let go? - Yes.
Then I agree, I agree. There.
Great. So swing by the Spice of Bengal about eight o clock.
Yes. Yes, I can swing with the best of them. Don't you worry about that.
Mind out, person dying.
Hello?
(Caroline) Hello?
Hello? Hi, it's Guy, it's me.
- Oh, my God! What are you doing in here? - You're not going out with Jake any more.
Look, I'm in the middle of something quite urgent, so can we talk later?
No, I have to say something to you right now.
I like you.
- Did you hear me? - Yep.
- Well? - Well, what?
- What do you think about me liking you? - I still won't sleep with you. Goodbye.
I don't want to sleep with you. Well, obviously I do want to sleep with you,
but it's not that. It's just I don't fancy women any more, apart from you,
which is really weird, because there are so many more attractive women than you
and I don't know...
You're the only one... You're the only one that I can't get out of my head.
You're the only one I dream about, the only one that makes my balls ache.
I've just come to the conclusion that I don't just like you.
I like you. I massively like you.
And I... Oh, I suppose... Oh!
I suppose what I'm trying to say is...
I like you.
There, I've said it.
(Caroline) OK, thanks. Bye.
' Oh, thanks. Bye?' That's all you can say?
- I've just poured my heart out to you. - Yeah. Bye now.
(peeing) Oh, thank God. Oh!
Maybe Mackenzie will like Bradford.
Look, Mac, I'm sorry. I know what I did was sick and wrong,
but you have to admit it was also very, very funny.
Yeah.
Go then.
No, sorry. Let me rephrase that. Go now.
OK, fair enough.
- She's off then? - Yeah, yeah.
- Shame. She was really nice. - Yeah, she was really, really nice.
- I'm sorry. - What have you got to be sorry about?
No, I mean I'm sorry for you. You'll make a great father one day.
- So will you. - Thanks.
I'm sorry too.
- What have you got to be sorry about? - Er... Ooh...
- For losing you. - Oh.
The thing is, some things are lost forever
and others are just misplaced for a bit.
- Are you lost or misplaced? - Too early to tell.
But I think I'm probably just misplaced.
Ugh!
This is nice. It's funny to think, if I'd married your mother, we'd all be...
Yeah, all right! OK. Leave it.
I wanted you to know that if I was to mislay anything that was extremely important to me,
then I would probably rush down to the lost property office as soon as possible.
- Even if it was shut? - Even if it was shut.
Even if it was the middle of the bloody night, I would bang on the doors.
There wouldn't be anybody there, they'd be at home in bed.
You should go to their home address and bang on their door.
- OK. I'll do that. - I'd get the police onto you.
- Would you? - (giggles )
I'm a bit confused now.
Am I still the lost property or do I run the lost property office?
- I'll come back to you on that. - OK.
(phone ringing)
I'll get it.
I'll get the phone.
I'll just, er...
Yeah, it's me.
How's it going? Has anyone mentioned the dwarf?
The dwarf? No, no. Do you think I should test the water?
Do you think I should check if anyone's heard anything?
How about no?
- Well, no, I would have done it discreetly. - Not possible.
Guy. What about you?
Well, who's the best-looking person you've been compared to?
Yeah, in my case it's Jude Law.
And the worst person you've been compared to?
Brigitte Nielsen.
Yeah, I'm sorry. This concept is just far too sophisticated for me.
My turn. Best - Angelina Jolie.
- Ah, very nice. - And worst - Miss Piggy.
Ah...
I want to talk to the Growler.
It's not convenient.
No, no, I want to.
Hello, is that the Growler? Is it?
Grr grr grr.
This is Doctor Sniffy come to visit you in your little panty cabin.
- Are you done yet? - Sniff, sniff, sniff. Mm... Sniff.
Shall I give you a great big mouthy muff nuzzle? Yes, let's play yum-yums.
- Hello, Dr Statham! - Oh, what? Hello?
Hello, Dr Statham!
Er... Hello, Joanna?
Well, OK. Best - Wayne Sleep.
(laughter)
Worst - Dustin Hoffman.
Ah... Wayne Sleep's lovely.
Ah, Dr Statham, Dr Statham. Right, here he is. OK, who's your best?
- Your very best? - Pardon?
We're playing a comparisons game and we've all said who our best and worst is,
so who's yours?
- I'm not at liberty to say. - We've all shared with each other.
- Come on, Alan. - It's a truth game.
- This is the circle of trust. - No, I can't.
Well, OK. That's fine. You can't be in our gang.
All right, all right.
The worst, erm... I was 23. She was called Phillipa Matthews.
I was inexperienced. She was in the middle of a very heavy menstrual cycle
and there was a lot of unpleasantness and anger.
And the best one?
Oh, well, erm...
As at least one other person here would agree, no contest. Joanna Clore!
(laughter)
Perfect person to have a sexual relationship with. You name it, she'll do it.
Oh!
So, am I in your gang now?
- Yep. - Oh, good. So what was everybody else's?
I don't... I don't really think that that matters any more.
But I think what we need is more wine! So let's get some.
As your mother would say, Martin, bottoms up!
In... the cupboard.
To being dumped.
Absent women.
Cheers, Caroline.
Cheers, erm...
- Harriet. - Harriet. Harriet.
There's your friend, look.
Jesus!
Laugh, laugh. Then maybe she won't come over. Please.
(they laugh )
It gets me every time.
Hello, boys. What's the joke?
- I can't... - I can't remember what we said.
- It wasn't very funny, but... - Go on, share, share.
- We were just having a private conversation. - That's right.
Not very friendly, is it?
- Cosy. - Yeah.
Share a cab later?
Erm... yeah, I'm not sure.
You're not going back with Mr Gullible, are you?
- Well, I... - Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
- What? - Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
Why shouldn't I?
Have you forgotten what he's put you through?
Forgotten - no, forgiven - perhaps. I can see the situation he was in.
Forgiven already? No no no no no no, no no no no, no no no, no no no.
- What? - He has to be shown that it hurt.
Mm-hm? And what would you recommend?
Well, I would recommend that you come back with me and I'll help you through the pain.
That is far, far too good of you.
I know, but, hey, what are lodgers for?
Paying rent.
I hate you.
Rent boy.
Did you ever think that maybe we just weren't supposed to get together?
Why would you say that?
Oh, you know, the coma, the memory loss, Holly.
It just seems like destiny is agin us.
' Agin us' ?
It's like ' against' only it's just a bit more olderer.
Hah! I'm here!
Yeah. Sorry I'm late.
First things first. I have got a petite announcement-ette to make.
Ladies and gentlemen...
I am pregnant! Oh, yes, that's right.
Heavy, heavy with child.
And the best bit is, it's...
yours!
- Mine? - No, it's Dr Macartney's!
- Yes! - For fuck's sake...
No, wait, wait, wait!
No, let's try this again tomorrow, shall we?
- Thanks, Boycie! - See you.
I didn't want to break up the happy couple.
We're not a couple! That would be far too simple!
They're not a couple.
You're not pregnant.
Really?
Fancy a threesome?
Not really, no.
- Looks like it's just you and me, Lyndie. - No... thanks.
No, we... we're gay.
No, you're not. You've been out with Todd the Plod.
Thought she was a man.
As soon as I found out she had a... vulva, I dumped her.
And, erm... I've just come out as a gay.
- I see. - Mm.
- Sorry. - Yeah. Sorry. Bye.
Fine. Kiss.
- What? - What?
Kiss.
If you're gay, kiss and then I'll go.
Fags!
It seems like everything I touch now turns to gold.
- I had a big win on the old scratchcards. - Yeah?
Yeah. Yeah. And my psoriasis has gone into remission too.
- Stuff like that happens all the time, mate. - Well, not to me. I feel I'm blessed.
You ought to put your money where your mouth is. Fiver a go?
- Well, go on, then. - OK.
Heads.
Tails.
Yeah, well, yeah...
- Heads. - Tails.
Caroline was a lucky girl.
Thanks, mate.
I've had a tattoo done - of your favourite thing.
What?
- Do you want to see it? - No.
Fancy doing it again with no clothes on?
(both ) No.
See how much I love you? There.
- Where? - There.
Heads!
Tails!
- Tails! - Heads.
Rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a tub, and who do you think's been there?
The butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker...
various family members.
Is that a cow?
You said it was your favourite thing, so I had one put on my ribs.
What is?
A Friesian, one of your favourite things.
- What is? - A Friesian, one of your favourite things.
Freesia. Freesia - the flower!
- You sure? - Sure.
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