Roger. Do not worry.
We'll put out that fire before you have time to say
Gas explosion kills family of four in Stevenage.
Oh. Crap!
Crap!
-Sorry. -No problems.
Your name is Paul, huh? Welcome.
Really good coffee.
I'm good at foam machines.
How is it?
Now that you're appointed station manager
we at The Jewish Enquirer thought it was timely
to talk about the important work of the fire brigade.
A story about little me?
It was either
or a gala for Israeli and Palestinian mothers
and we have had four such in recent months
this is how I am.
-If you insist. -Oh, I have my camera.
Wow. Leaking equipment. It's so small and cute.
Sorry.
-I need help. -Is it urgent?
Yes, it's urgent.
The birthday magician is not coming.
I have to entertain a mountain of six-year-olds for two hours.
Has the magician disappeared?
Looked at the other part of the box?
The bastard double booked me with a Hindu wedding!
Try card games?
-They are huge! -Put the tail on the donkey?
It's not 18th century Burnley.
Okay, I'll think about it.
Damn!
My sister, she's crazy.
Should we start? I have to be ready by 11.
-Do you want to try? -In the fire truck?
Yep. Takes and drives a small turn.
Make sure everything works.
-May I? -Varsågod.
This is amazing!
- Do you want me to turn on the sirens? -Yes! Yes I do.
Okay, Ross. Get them started.
Can we drive towards red?
We should not unless it is an emergency.
Please? Just a little red light.
Drive on, Ross.
I'm a firefighter! A firefighter!
It was absolutely incredible. Really heroic, please.
You are welcome.
I'm going to write a cruel article. A photo?
For the newspaper or the bedroom wall?
For...
-I'm kidding. -Aha.
Do not mention the red light.
Which red light?
-Okay. Take a photo. -Okay.
-Wonderfully. -Fint?
-Yes. -Nice.
I'm taking another.
-Too much? -It's never too much.
I have the story.
Drive to East Finchley Underground Station.
Someone has painted Nazi graffiti.
Can it wait? I have to write the article.
It's gone tomorrow!
It's good that they wash it off, right?
Not if I'm going to print a picture of an empty wall.
"Vandalized wall cleansed by benefactors"?
Positive headline.
What is a positive headline?
Okay, I'm doing it and I'm allowed to use the word sunken.
-Solved down? -Solved down.
Okay, use sunken.
I use it in the fucking headline.
Just drive there and take a picture.
Okay, I need the chips aisle and the jam aisle.
Walk five and eight.
How can you know that?
I know the place by heart.
I'm here every night. Around seven. Heaven for singles.
Excuse me. Hi Hope this is not offensive.
Which brand of limepickles do you prefer?
I do not know. I make my own.
-Wow, you make your own? -Yes.
What is the recipe?
It's simple, lime, salt, chili and oil. That's all.
We get along so well, can I invite you to dinner?
We go to the kosher corridor. Martin Ross must have met his wife there.
They apparently chose round latkes over the triangular ones.
Love at first latken.
Have you heard of a gay firefighter?
I Village People?
You can be both gay and brave.
You have to be very brave.
-Many gay soldiers. -We are Sparta.
Okay, take this one. You're in a series crash.
Who do you want to come to you with the jaws of life?
Bruce Willis or Graham Norton?
Are we talking Die Hard -Willis or Sixth Sense -Willis?
Because he would just take notes.
He would whisper. You scream and bleed
and he just whispers.
Norton would be too funny.
Willis or Spacey, then? Maybe not Spacey.
-No. -Okay, what about Willis
or Gareth Thomas, the rugby player?
Gareth Thomas. I want to be embraced by him.
Always.
-Hurry up, give me two types of hummus. -Which two?
I know her. What was her name now? Ruth something.
Harris. She's Naomi's friend. She is a marriage counselor.
She is going to divorce for the third time.
She is cute. If you talk to her, Naomi will kill you.
If she wanted to kill me, I would have been dead.
She likes to keep them alive.
-I saw her first. -So yes, boy.
-She is mine. -She is a person.
A therapist who treats women as objects?
-I saw her first. -Surt.
-Hello. Ruth. -Oh, hey ... Paul.
Paul, exactly. You look great, by the way.
Thanks.
-Considering the circumstances. -Yes. Thanks.
I mean ... The basket looks heavy.
Yes. I had no gear for that cart.
-God, how annoying! -I can do it.
Look there, go ahead. What luck you have.
-Are you sure? -Yes, sure.
By the way, how much gear did you have?
75 pence.
No it is fine.
-I insist. -Really, I bid.
Excuse me, which hummus is best? Sorry, Ruth, huh?
-You're Naomi's boyfriend. -Ex.
Yes. I hate hummus.
Really? You do not look like someone who dislikes hummus.
What do I look like, then? Besides hummus?
Falafel. You have a falafel face.
-Thank you, Paul. -Visst.
She's a little sensitive.
Have you called anyone a falafel face and got a good reaction?
- See you at the checkout, okay? -Where are you going?
-I'm going to get some toilet paper. -And?
I do it with two free rolls.
Naomi thinks it looks embarrassing.
-I'm not Naomi. -It's become a thing.
Buy toilet paper with me?
Simon, that's good for you.
-Can you be quiet? -Buy a toilet roll with me!
We buy the giant absorbent, you like the giant absorbent!
-Okay, so it was 07 ... -07974 ...
-Yes. -... 961555.
Just call and hang up.
-Hello again. -Hey.
She does not buy tampons if there is a man at the checkout.
If he's over 65, it's okay. Just no one my age.
Galet. You know what, we should go out sometime.
Maybe we can talk about our neurotic grocery store phobias.
Who is neurotic?
Maybe I can invite you to another shopping cart?
A one-time event. I've known you for years through your sister.
Suddenly you invite me.
-Simon got your number. He made me laugh.
He called you falafel face.
I lent you a pound.
You know what, I'm leaving my boy
at Joshie's party on Sunday. I'll take the pound then.
-Are you ready? -Not yet. Come in.
Up there.
How was your week?
-Writes about the new fire chief. -For?
-You know that. -Jewish Inspector?
Inquirer. Oh my God.
-What? -It's time.
Come on, you're kidding.
Thought to give it to Joshie.
Are you going to give my car track to Joshie as a present?
-I have nothing for him. -Give him money.
Money does not show caring.
You have not been caring.
What's in the box?
A helium balloon with Joshie's face on it.
Oh, a helium balloon. How impressed she will be.
And I have fixed something a little extra for the party.
Fäskare.
Come on. Say it's from me too.
One last time for the sake of old times.
-Pax on the blue car! -Pax on the blue car!
What the hell are you doing?
-What? -You're flirting with Ruth!
She's crazy. Do you know that she
do not buy tampons if the cashier is a man under 65?
Why did you invite her then?
Then she asked for a gear for a cart. It's flirtatious.
It's flirty to borrow a pound?
Would you like a finger in the ass if you lent her a ten?
Would not say no.
-She's here, by the way. -Hon ...
What's in the bags?
My old car track. Thought Joshie would like it.
Is that your birthday present?
It costs £ 300.
New.
It's actually from me and Dad.
We still play so we sacrifice part of our lives for Joshie.
So you can probably be a little kind anyway.
Okay, reasonable.
But not it. It's just from me.
Her son is out there, by the way.
You have to see him. He's the nightmare child from hell.
Go and play with him.
The way to a woman's heart is through children.
Joshie. Happy Birthday.
I have a surprise for you then but I can not say what.
You're Ruth's son, huh?
-Are you having fun? -Yes.
Good. May I tell you a home ice cream?
You must not tell anyone. You do not tell anyone?
-Okay. -I want out!
A fire truck is coming to the party today.
-Fire engine! -Where is your mother, where ...
Mother! There's a fire truck coming! Fire engine!
Run and play football.
Cute young.
You idiot!
How did you know he was mine?
-He looks like you. -He does not do that at all.
Naomi may have given me clues about his personality.
-As? -She said he was exuberant.
No one uses orders bubbling.
Okay. She may have joked that he's the nightmare child from hell.
The rescue service.
Hi. I'm trying to reach Gordon at Finchley's fire station.
Paul Green from the Jewish Enquirer.
-Is it urgent? -Yes, quite.
The fire brigade. Where are you?
I want to know approximately how long it will take you to put out a fire.
-Only about one. -Give me it.
I do not know how long it will take.
- Do you see a fire? -I see smoke, where ...
-Where are you? Is it a breath?
A puff, like a derailed barbecue.
You are wasting our time.
What do we think? 30 minutes? Must be type 30.
-Hello! -Are you crazy?
They save lives.
It might just take a minute.
Some buckets, splash and splash, ready. What?
Are you going?
Mikey is going to sacrifice a virgin at four o'clock.
-Va? -And I have a date with Simon.
-Good luck. -Really?
Bilbana!
-Yes, it's Joshie's present. -I want it!
No, it's not for you.
But if mom saves enough gear
so you can get one in about 60 years.
Follow me, Satan.
What did you say? Why did she go?
Who has the biggest?
No!
Not cake!
No!
Okay ... Hello!
Paul! Come here, please.
-What the hell is this? -What the hell is that?
It's the sunken wall. The sunken wall.
- The sunken wall? -Sollaved wall in East Finchley.
How nice it is, really.
Should I call Joshie?
It would of course be a picture of him.
JEWS GO HOME
Okay. I think we all agree that it does not look like him.
If you squint, then maybe "Jews" can be the eyes,
"Go" can be the nose,
and "home" can be his smile.
It's a mistake. I bought it online. Someone should have noticed.
-It's on the verge of a hate crime! -You uploaded it.
If I uploaded a picture that called Welsh idiots
then no one would print it.
Apologize!
Okay. My mistake, my fault.
A helium balloon with fascist graffiti on the sixth anniversary.
I do not really think "my fault" is enough.
But it's speeding up the party, right?
Jews, go home!
Go home!
-I'm buying another. -Enough best that you go.
Then I take my car track with me.
-Your half. -Hela.
Like I care.
I'll give him some money.
Better late than never. Interesting balloon.
You must have had a fire to put out.
We are here now.
Big, dangerous fire, I guess.
It could have been but luckily we got there quickly.
Little more than a campfire.
Campfire? No, that was a real ... Well. "Campfire".
-Did it go out unrestrained? -What, uninhibited gay?
I did not say that.
I'm an hour late when I'm going to do you a favor
and you call me gay?
I had to let them throw cake at me.
We put out a real fire.
What luck you have to ride a real fire truck!
-Unfortunately, it is no longer possible. -Excuse me? What has happened?
Ask your husband.
My husband?
This is my asshole brother, so shit down you.
Now you're going to ride a fire truck, right? Joshie? Come on.
So, up with you there. So there. Up.
Do not be stupid. Move.
Seriously?
Move.
Stop now. Out of the way.
Come on.
We take the second. We're driving Jack.
It's Wolverine. Okay...
I can not do any of this.
-Hello! -Here you have.
Are you giving me your car lane?
My gift to you. Ruth's kid loves car lanes.
Thanks friend.
-What do you think about the hairstyle? Is it a hairstyle?
Where are you going?
-Fish n chips. -On the first date? Dare.
She chose it. She is cheap to run.
-Can I ask you something? -Yes.
Do you remember Judith, who broke up with you?
because you did not grow a mustache?
Yes?
-How was it sexy? -Va?
She had children, didn't she?
Yes, she had an eight-year-old daughter.
-Okay, so she's given birth to a baby? -Yes.
-Normal birth? -Normal?
You know, vaginal.
It is pronounced vag-ina-l.
Okay, vag-ina-l.
It's just that if you take a caesarean section, everything is unchanged
but with Ruth it would be my first ...
That's right, you're a vag-ina-l maternity virgin.
How is it?
-It's different. -Really?
God, yes. It's very different.
How?
If I were you, I would not take the risk.
What if Ruth had a caesarean section?
I would start with that.
Go in, give her the car lane
and then ask about the condition of her vagina.
You'll probably get away with that.
-How much did it cost you? -One hundred pounds for each year. 600.
I'm looking forward to my 3,900 on my next birthday.
-Very kind. -Ha.
I have to make myself think of something else by whipping the shit out of you.
We're building it.
-Build up what? -Bilbanan.
Simon got it.
Va? It was not yours to give. We had joint ownership.
No. I did you a favor saying it was from you too.
Call and ask to get it back.
They're at a restaurant.
-The? -He's on a date with Ruth.
Her young could get it.
-Why? -I can not say why.
What were you thinking, you idiot? Get it back!
He's not answering. He never answers if it goes well.
How many fish and chips places are there?
-There is Two Brothers. -Olympus.
Nautilus and West Hampstead, Toff's and Muswell Hill.
They are everywhere.
If you drive, I will check them online.
If I had bought a toy for the kid, I could have saved £ 500.
Let go of me.
Just let me pass.
Come on!
Fucking West Hampstead.
Stay somewhere where you can park!
FISH & CHIPS
Yes, cute.
-Hi what's up? -Hey.
What are you doing here?
Sorry. Can I have a word with you?
Okay...
-Cesarean section, I asked the kid. -Fun for you.
I need the car lane.
I've already given it away.
-When? -When I picked her up.
Brilliant, buddy.
We put it together, he and the babysitter played with it when we went.
She did not even order an appetizer.
I need it.
Need it or want it?
It is mine. It's my favorite toy.
I'm not giving it away for you to lie down!
I'll be there right away. We have to go. Now!
Okay. Are you giving me a few minutes?
-No, I have to knit now. -I need to pee.
Again? Hurry up!
It probably does not go as fast as last time.
-I can drive you. -Thank you for driving!
He was lying in bed. We talked and suddenly the fire alarm went off.
It is quiet. Come on.
What caused the fire?
An overheated transformer.
Write about the fire hazard with toys.
You are right. I probably should.
You, my men do a good job. And they respect me regardless.
You are right. Sorry.
You're okay.
- Is everyone okay? -Yes. Thanks for the ride.
No problems.
Do I have to pay for the petrol?
Do not larvae. Friends?
-Friends. -Yes.
I'm here! Is everything okay?
Paul got me here very quickly.
Okay. Thanks, Paul. Paul, you can let her go now.
Just a little friendly hug.
-Although you smell good. -Which burned house?
-Why did you need to talk to Simon? -It was nothing.
He wanted the car lane back.
Why do you say that?
You smoke!
Did it set fire to my house?
You owe me for the cart.
My house.
You have insurance. I do not have that.
It has not started to burn in decades!
Your devil's offspring must have overused it.
Should I drive you to a hotel?
Apparently my son asked the babysitter for "emperor's salad"
and if I had one the day he was born.
Damn you and your toilet habits
and your check of how big my vagina is!
Both. Away from my property. Stick. Now!
I look forward to the article.
GALLERY FOR ISRAELI AND PALESTINIAN MOTHERS
But damn it!
NEW FIRE CHIEF PROVIDES JEWISH CHRONICLE INTERVIEW
God damnit!
ANTISEMITIC GRAFFITI SOLKED ON WALL