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MEL BROOKS: Hello, I'm American
treasure, Mel Brooks.
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To some of you, I'm a hero.
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To others, merely a legend.
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Over 40 years ago, I wrote and directed
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History of the World, Part One,
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a sketch comedy movie that showed
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- the real side of history.
- (dinosaur roar)
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I also starred in it.
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- Maybe a mistake.
- (Mel kiss smacks)
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So when I was approached
by somebody named Hulu
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to make a sequel, I had two conditions.
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One, they had to make me look
exactly how I did in 1981.
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And here I am.
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Exactly what I looked like.
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Who knew there were muscles here.
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Anyway, my other stipulation
was all original material,
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nothing from Part One, no repeats.
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So without further ado,
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I present to you
History of the World, Part Two.
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Hey guys, look at me, I'm swol.
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MEL: Hitler on Ice.
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COMMENTATOR 1: And Adolf Hitler,
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{\an8}not giving the performance
he had hoped for tonight.
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Mm.
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{\an8}The master race isn't
lookin' so masterful.
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COMMENTATOR 2: Very hard
to perform at a high level
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when you are losing a two front war.
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- TRISH: Oh.
- COMMENTATOR 1: Oh, no.
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- COMMENTATOR 2: Wow!
- You know, it really hurts
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when you fall on the ice like that.
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- Absolutely, Trish.
- It does.
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And that's gonna wrap
it up for Adolf Hitler.
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Let's go to the floor and see some scores.
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COMMENTATOR 1: And we're gonna follow him
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{\an8}into the kiss and cry booth.
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COMMENTATOR 2: And here he
is with his longtime coach,
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Joseph Goebbels and his
new bride, Eva Braun,
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and they are throwing things
at him in the audience.
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They are throwing dead flowers.
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And he is waitin' for
the scores. Here they are.
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{\an8}- COMMENTATOR 2: Wow.
- COMMENTATOR 1: Wow.
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{\an8}- TRISH: Wow.
- COMMENTATOR 2: Wow.
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{\an8}COMMENTATOR 1: As expected,
it's a festival of zeros,
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except for the French who gave him a ten,
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{\an8}-those Vichy cowards.
- COMMENTATOR 2: Wow.
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{\an8}TRISH: He got a straight up
fuck you from Poland.
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I've said it before, I'll say it again,
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if you put concentration
camps in people's countries,
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you better be flawless on the ice.
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- TRISH: Look at how hysterical he is. See?
- COMMENTATOR 2: Wow.
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this is what happens
when men are in charge.
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COMMENTATOR 2:
I don't know about you guys.
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I think this is gonna turn
into one of those Hitler memes.
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Have you guys seen those?
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- Mm-hmm, and oh.
- COMMENTATOR 2: I see a Luger.
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- I see a Luger. Wow.
- COMMENTATOR 1: There's the Luger.
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Uh-oh, looks like he's
heading back to the bunker
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with Eva Braun to blow
his psychopathic brains
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right out of his shit head.
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Yeah, I have to imagine that
this is his last competition,
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and I, for one am glad about it.
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He's a thug and bad for the sport.
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And humanity.
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Mm, greasy head motherfucker.
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Ho-ho, we're gonna get
some letters about that one,
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but hashtag I stand with Trish.
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Hashtag me too.
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I don't know about that one.
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Absolutely.
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And coming up next,
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we've got men's downhill
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with Benito Mussolini.
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He can make the trains run on time,
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but can he beat his
own time on the slopes?
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Let's hope he falls down
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and breaks both of his fuckin' legs.
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(triumphant brass music)
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MEL: History of the World, Part Two.
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(triumphant brass music)
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The Civil War.
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{\an8}(gentle music)
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The Civil War was in its final days.
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We're talking about the one in the 1860s,
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not the one coming up in 2024.
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The South was on its last legs
as the Union Army closed in,
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and at the head of that army
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was the lushly-bearded Ulysses S. Grant,
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who was also a bit of a lush.
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PAM: General Grant.
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- (chuckling) Hi, Pam, how are ya?
-Big win out there.
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What is going through your mind right now?
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Well, we lost 4,000 men out there.
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{\an8}They're dead.
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But we did kill 6,000 of their guys,
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{\an8}but a lot of their guys
were related to our guys,
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{\an8}so it's a lot of mixed
emotions right now for them.
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They say the war is almost over.
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{\an8}If the North wins, will
you go to Disneyland?
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{\an8}Well, that depends, do they
have a bar? (laughing) JK.
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{\an8}I'll hang you both, if
you dump that on me.
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Great to see you, Pam, take care.
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SOLDIER 1: Please don't take my arm, sir.
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I'm a drummer.
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Can I get a dull saw?
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SOLDIER 2: Tell me, doc, will it hurt?
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DOCTOR:
When we amputate your head? Yea.
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SOLDIER 3: Play
Devil Went Down to Georgia.
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SOLDIER 4: We don't have the rights.
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SOLDIER 3: Then just do a sound alike.
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(fiddle music)
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Hold on, everyone.
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Daddy's comin'.
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Daddy's home. Come to Papa.
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- SOLDIER 5: Sir.
- (Ulysses spitting) What is it?
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President Lincoln is
in your quarters, sir.
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I know.
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Dismissed.
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(fiddle music)
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Damn it.
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(gentle music)
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Mr. President.
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Oh, there he is.
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- (laughing) Hey, oh.
- (light thuds)
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Stephen Douglas's dick hole. (groaning)
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Are you okay, sir?
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Yes, I'm fine.
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Have a seat, Ulysses, have a seat.
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(sighing) Oh.
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Mr. President, you look exhausted.
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This war has taken a toll on you, sir.
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It's not the war.
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It's my height.
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I mean, look at me.
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They don't make things
for a big boy like me.
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I mean, ugh.
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Look at these pants, Ulysses.
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Look at that.
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They're basically capris.
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I'm a big boy. I need big boy pants.
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I will say they look kind of fun,
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somethin' you could wear
at a summer party, maybe.
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Look, anyways, I have
heard some grumblings
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and that your imbibing has
gotten a bit out of control.
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My imbibing?
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- Mm-hmm.
- Who told you that?
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Was it Sheridan?
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Because he's addicted to laudanum.
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Look, I don't drink a lot, you know.
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Like maybe like a little bit
like on a holiday or some--
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(flask clanking)
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(Ulysses groans)
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I believe today is what the
Hebrews call Pesach, sir.
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No more alcohol until the war is over.
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Do you understand me, Ulysses?
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(Ulysses groaning)
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(Ulysses spitting and exhaling)
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Yeah, sure, fine.
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I don't need a drink.
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Good. All right, there is one more thing
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that I need to talk to you about.
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It's about my son, Robert Todd.
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Your son.
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He has been begging me to enlist.
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And now that the war is nearly over,
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I feel like this is the perfect time
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to just get him in there.
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Once all the regular fighters have-
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- Yes, yes, abs-
- Given their lives
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and bled and lost their legs,
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now you wanna sneak in
your little Harvard boy
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for a couple days in the course.
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Yes, no, you understand, absolutely.
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- Gotcha, yeah, okay.
- He's a good boy.
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You know, I want you to look after him.
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Mr. President, I want you to know,
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I won't let the boy out my sight.
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Oh, good, good, good. Robert Todd-
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- (glass shattering)
- Oh, Jesus, God.
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- Good Lord.
- Dammit.
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I have legs for arms.
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That was a gift from my wife, sir.
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Ow, god dammit.
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R.T.
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General Grant, sir.
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It is an honor, sir.
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I have been a huge fan my entire life.
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And how long is that, young man?
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One score and two years.
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That means 22 in our secret language.
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- Come on over here, come over here.
- Right here.
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There's my big, strong boy.
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Watch this, I trained him well.
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- Yes.
- What do I have?
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- You've trained for this. What do I have?
- My nose.
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Yes, can you get it?
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Can you reattach it?
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(horse whinnying)
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First try.
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Good job, son.
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Seems like a great kid.
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He's in good hands, Mr. President.
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All right.
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The union state is in your hands, Ulysses.
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End this war.
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Yes, Mr. President.
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(horse whinnying)
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And I have every soldier in
the entire state of Virginia
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on orders to deny you alcohol.
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Is that understood?
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- (both groaning)
- Yes, sir.
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Good.
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God dammit.
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That is gonna be the worst thing
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that's gonna happen to my head all year.
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Thanks for comin' by, sir.
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- SOLDIER 6: Sir, yes sir.
- Good to see you.
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SOLDIER 6: You leaving, sir?
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General Grant, sir.
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00:07:48,343 --> 00:07:50,845
Would you do me the honor of regaling me
220
00:07:50,845 --> 00:07:52,931
with your most horrifying war stories?
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I mean,
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- I really wanna know what it's like
- (flask clanking)
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to see the light drain out of
a man's eye by your own hand.
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General, no.
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(screaming) Dammit.
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Who drank all my gun whiskey? (groaning)
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Okay. Think, Ulysses, think.
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I have decided that you
are ready to join me
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on a top secret mission, but
I'm warning you right now,
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it's gonna be very,
very whiskey, risky. Are you in?
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I will follow you to
the gates of Hell, sir.
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It's worse than that, son.
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We're goin' to West Virginia.
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No.
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No.
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No!
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(gong clanging)
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MEL: The Kama Sutra.
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{\an8}Thank you for having me
to pitch my new book idea.
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Well, thank for coming. We're big fans.
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- MALE PUBLISHER: Ugh.
- I'm a simple guy.
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I like eating soup.
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I like having sex.
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If I'm not going slurp, slurp, slurp,
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I'm eating soup.
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(publishers laughing)
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I like that.
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And so this really brings
my two passions together.
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I have created hundreds
of tasty soup recipes
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and paired them
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00:09:01,416 --> 00:09:03,626
with the perfect
corresponding sexual position.
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I call it Kama Souptra, From Soup to Nuts.
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00:09:07,255 --> 00:09:09,382
BOTH: From soup to nuts.
254
00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:11,760
Oh, okay, well, that's very clever.
255
00:09:11,926 --> 00:09:13,053
All right, here we go.
256
00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:15,388
First one, lamb stew,
257
00:09:16,348 --> 00:09:17,849
paired with a simple missionary.
258
00:09:17,974 --> 00:09:21,102
It's warm. It's comforting.
Everyone likes it.
259
00:09:21,102 --> 00:09:22,854
Now we're getting a little more fun.
260
00:09:22,854 --> 00:09:24,314
Leek soup.
261
00:09:24,314 --> 00:09:26,983
For obvious reasons you're
gonna need a tarp for this one.
262
00:09:28,026 --> 00:09:29,944
Ooh, love this one, summer gazpacho.
263
00:09:29,944 --> 00:09:31,905
That's when you and you
lover share a chilled soup
264
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:33,406
while fucking on a cold tiled counter.
265
00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:35,367
Wait, that looks so much like your wife.
266
00:09:35,492 --> 00:09:38,244
That is my wife, and
that's my neighbor Prakash.
267
00:09:38,453 --> 00:09:40,121
- Oh.
- VĀTSYĀYANA: Moving on.
268
00:09:40,121 --> 00:09:42,499
Let me guess, that's chowder.
269
00:09:42,499 --> 00:09:43,667
That's exactly right.
270
00:09:43,667 --> 00:09:45,460
And before you ask, this position pairs
271
00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:48,004
just as well with New
England or Manhattan chowder.
272
00:09:49,464 --> 00:09:50,757
Spinach artichoke.
273
00:09:50,757 --> 00:09:53,051
It's vegan, pairs well
with a nice light choking.
274
00:09:53,259 --> 00:09:55,595
See, I've always been a
little reluctant to go there.
275
00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:57,013
Oh yeah, people are afraid to go vegan,
276
00:09:57,013 --> 00:09:58,473
but it's very satisfying.
277
00:09:58,473 --> 00:10:00,684
Ooh, this is a slow cook recipe
278
00:10:00,684 --> 00:10:03,061
for a tantric mushroom and barley soup,
279
00:10:03,061 --> 00:10:06,648
for one you wanna take 12 hours to climax.
280
00:10:06,648 --> 00:10:08,024
- Oh.
- Who does that?
281
00:10:08,024 --> 00:10:09,734
- What does that taste like?
- (publishers laughing)
282
00:10:09,734 --> 00:10:11,319
It tastes like your
wife fucking the neighbor.
283
00:10:11,319 --> 00:10:13,154
Oh, Prakash.
284
00:10:13,154 --> 00:10:14,531
- Prakash.
- Yeah, Prakash sucks.
285
00:10:14,531 --> 00:10:16,449
Anyways, since we don't want
286
00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:18,493
this to be a tantric meeting,
287
00:10:18,493 --> 00:10:20,245
should I just fly through a bunch of 'em?
288
00:10:20,245 --> 00:10:22,455
- (female publisher laughs)
- VĀTSYĀYANA: Keep it moving? Here we go.
289
00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:24,541
- MALE PUBLISHER: Here we go.
- Egg drop soup. No muss, no fuss,
290
00:10:24,541 --> 00:10:25,792
for when you wanna make a baby.
291
00:10:25,792 --> 00:10:27,377
This is a simple recipe for tortellini,
292
00:10:27,711 --> 00:10:28,878
the butthole of pastas.
293
00:10:28,878 --> 00:10:30,922
It's fun, but you're gonna need some oil
294
00:10:30,922 --> 00:10:33,091
and good communication.
295
00:10:33,091 --> 00:10:34,050
Italian wedding.
296
00:10:34,217 --> 00:10:35,343
That's when fuck your aunt
297
00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:36,594
while she yells at your cousin
298
00:10:36,594 --> 00:10:38,096
for not becoming a cop.
299
00:10:38,096 --> 00:10:39,472
Butternut squash.
300
00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:42,225
That's when she butters
you nuts till you squash.
301
00:10:42,225 --> 00:10:43,226
I have many more.
302
00:10:43,226 --> 00:10:45,437
Should I keep going or...
303
00:10:45,437 --> 00:10:47,355
I don't think that's gonna be necessary.
304
00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:49,983
Because we love it.
305
00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:51,359
(publishers laughing)
306
00:10:51,359 --> 00:10:52,986
- You do?
- We just have one little note.
307
00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:55,572
- Yes.
- Okay, we don't want the soup.
308
00:10:55,572 --> 00:10:57,282
We just want the sex positions.
309
00:10:57,282 --> 00:10:59,367
Okay, that's actually crazy,
310
00:10:59,367 --> 00:11:00,994
because the soup is what's
gonna make this book
311
00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:02,370
a best seller for a thousand years.
312
00:11:02,370 --> 00:11:03,496
BOTH: Mm.
313
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:05,248
You know what? I am not a pornographer.
314
00:11:05,248 --> 00:11:07,334
I do not make art to get people off.
315
00:11:07,334 --> 00:11:09,544
I make art to get people
off and fill their bellies
316
00:11:09,544 --> 00:11:12,630
with a nice bowl of soup,
stew, chowder, or bisque.
317
00:11:12,756 --> 00:11:14,966
If you don't get that, maybe
this is not the place for me.
318
00:11:14,966 --> 00:11:16,551
MALE PUBLISHER: Oh, oh.
319
00:11:16,551 --> 00:11:17,510
- (door slams)
- So we're just gonna
320
00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:18,470
steal the idea, right?
321
00:11:18,470 --> 00:11:19,512
Absolutely.
322
00:11:19,512 --> 00:11:22,307
(Indian music)
323
00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:27,228
MEL: The Russian Revolution.
324
00:11:29,105 --> 00:11:32,108
Russia, 1918, the Romanov family
325
00:11:32,108 --> 00:11:34,486
clings to power as Vlad Lenin
326
00:11:34,486 --> 00:11:37,989
and the Bolsheviks lead
the communist revolution.
327
00:11:37,989 --> 00:11:39,824
Meanwhile, in the countryside,
328
00:11:39,824 --> 00:11:42,452
my people did what they
had done for centuries.
329
00:11:42,452 --> 00:11:44,746
Be poor Jews.
330
00:11:44,746 --> 00:11:46,831
Real estate, real estate.
331
00:11:46,831 --> 00:11:50,168
Get your dream hut from
Property Brothers (inaudible).
332
00:11:51,086 --> 00:11:53,463
Bot seeds, bot seeds.
333
00:11:53,463 --> 00:11:56,716
You can't have a Russian
bot farm without bot seeds.
334
00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:58,176
Serf boards.
335
00:11:58,176 --> 00:12:00,428
Put your serf on a board.
336
00:12:00,428 --> 00:12:03,973
Mud pies, get your mud pies.
337
00:12:03,973 --> 00:12:07,102
Get your mud pies from me, Schmuck Mudman.
338
00:12:07,102 --> 00:12:09,312
Made with the abject suffering
339
00:12:09,312 --> 00:12:12,357
and eczema of the Jewish diaspora.
340
00:12:12,357 --> 00:12:16,695
All you need to do is
add water. (chuckling)
341
00:12:16,695 --> 00:12:18,238
Joshy, my sweet son,
342
00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:20,448
Come, come help me with
the family business.
343
00:12:20,448 --> 00:12:24,619
(groaning) I don't care
about the family business, Dad.
344
00:12:24,619 --> 00:12:27,539
All I care about is falling in love,
345
00:12:27,539 --> 00:12:29,582
and I'll never meet the girl of my dreams
346
00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:31,918
if I'm selling mud pies.
347
00:12:31,918 --> 00:12:33,253
That's not true.
348
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:35,046
I met your mother selling mud pies.
349
00:12:35,046 --> 00:12:36,673
Her father came in, bought one,
350
00:12:36,673 --> 00:12:39,050
got absolutely horrible food poisoning,
351
00:12:39,050 --> 00:12:41,011
and as punishment he made me marry
352
00:12:41,011 --> 00:12:42,554
his most difficult daughter.
353
00:12:42,554 --> 00:12:44,305
I don't want an arranged marriage.
354
00:12:44,305 --> 00:12:45,682
I can arrange that.
355
00:12:45,682 --> 00:12:47,058
Joshy, don't you see,
356
00:12:47,058 --> 00:12:49,769
that when you submit to a higher force
357
00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:51,563
good things can happen.
358
00:12:51,563 --> 00:12:53,690
It's all about submission.
359
00:12:53,690 --> 00:12:56,609
(instrumental music plays)
360
00:12:56,609 --> 00:12:59,487
♪ Submission, submission ♪
361
00:12:59,487 --> 00:13:02,198
♪ When you yield to a superior force ♪
362
00:13:02,198 --> 00:13:03,616
Hey, shut up, Schmuck, Schmuck.
363
00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:04,743
-♪ Sub-- ♪
- Stop the song.
364
00:13:04,743 --> 00:13:06,703
We need to talk. Go inside now.
365
00:13:06,703 --> 00:13:09,873
And so the song has come
to its natural conclusion.
366
00:13:09,873 --> 00:13:11,791
Right behind you, my sour pickle.
367
00:13:13,209 --> 00:13:15,378
Bert, watch my mud pies.
368
00:13:15,378 --> 00:13:17,088
- Sure.
- SCHMUCH: Thank you.
369
00:13:17,881 --> 00:13:18,923
FANNY: Look.
370
00:13:18,923 --> 00:13:21,634
Oh no. Mets continue slump?
371
00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:24,512
No, the idiot Tsar
and his parasitic family
372
00:13:24,512 --> 00:13:25,513
have been executed.
373
00:13:25,513 --> 00:13:28,475
(intense music)
374
00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:33,897
Ugh, this is like really
when I miss my servants.
375
00:13:33,897 --> 00:13:34,856
Okay.
376
00:13:49,662 --> 00:13:51,539
NICHOLAS (off screen):
Anastasia, your lunch is here.
377
00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:52,832
You guys!
378
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:54,709
- ALEXI: (coughing)
- You're being so loud right now.
379
00:13:54,709 --> 00:13:55,669
I'm recording.
380
00:13:56,628 --> 00:13:59,506
Ah, kids, why the long faces?
381
00:13:59,881 --> 00:14:02,550
We are not inbred like the Hapsburgs.
382
00:14:02,550 --> 00:14:04,219
We are the Romanovs.
383
00:14:04,386 --> 00:14:06,763
We only sleep with beautiful relatives.
384
00:14:06,763 --> 00:14:09,349
Ew, dad, boundaries.
385
00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:11,643
How long is this revolution gonna last?
386
00:14:11,643 --> 00:14:13,770
I wanna go back to the winter palace.
387
00:14:13,770 --> 00:14:16,731
This merchant's house is so last season.
388
00:14:16,731 --> 00:14:18,650
It just be a matter of time before
389
00:14:18,650 --> 00:14:22,445
we are reinstated as the
rightful rulers of Russia.
390
00:14:22,570 --> 00:14:23,780
The people love us.
391
00:14:23,780 --> 00:14:25,323
And what's not the love
392
00:14:25,323 --> 00:14:28,159
with our leaky blood and weak bones?
393
00:14:28,159 --> 00:14:29,619
(Alexi coughing)
394
00:14:29,619 --> 00:14:32,163
Oh Lord, the Prince is getting sicker.
395
00:14:32,163 --> 00:14:34,374
What else are we gonna do?
396
00:14:34,374 --> 00:14:37,794
We wrapped his scrotum in garlic bulbs,
397
00:14:37,794 --> 00:14:40,088
like our family doctor prescribed.
398
00:14:40,088 --> 00:14:43,591
Speaking of, where the Devil is he?
399
00:14:43,591 --> 00:14:45,593
RASPUTIN: Did someone say the Devil?
400
00:14:45,593 --> 00:14:48,096
(Rasputin farting)
401
00:14:48,096 --> 00:14:49,556
Who farted?
402
00:14:49,848 --> 00:14:50,765
Oh!
403
00:14:50,765 --> 00:14:51,850
Yes.
404
00:14:51,850 --> 00:14:53,727
My dear Rasputin.
405
00:14:53,727 --> 00:14:55,437
The only mystic in Russia
406
00:14:55,437 --> 00:14:58,314
that I trust with my medical
and political advice.
407
00:14:58,314 --> 00:15:02,193
Ah, Rasputin, I heard
some noble stabbed you.
408
00:15:02,193 --> 00:15:03,445
A mere tickle.
409
00:15:03,445 --> 00:15:06,823
Rasputin, our son Alexi's health declines,
410
00:15:06,823 --> 00:15:11,578
and we're in desperate need
of your healing powers.
411
00:15:11,578 --> 00:15:14,330
Huh. Okay, up.
412
00:15:15,498 --> 00:15:17,250
(speaking foreign language)
413
00:15:17,542 --> 00:15:18,752
Follow my hand.
414
00:15:18,752 --> 00:15:22,130
(Rasputin babbling)
415
00:15:23,298 --> 00:15:25,383
(Alexi shuddering)
416
00:15:25,383 --> 00:15:29,763
Okay, so my diagnosis
is that your son's body
417
00:15:29,763 --> 00:15:32,599
is being haunted by Moldavian demons.
418
00:15:32,599 --> 00:15:35,352
- (Alexandra gasping)
- Fucking Moldavian.
419
00:15:35,477 --> 00:15:36,394
Anything else?
420
00:15:36,394 --> 00:15:37,812
That about covers it.
421
00:15:38,063 --> 00:15:39,647
I'm off.
422
00:15:39,647 --> 00:15:41,441
Long live the Ramonovs.
423
00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:42,400
(Rasputin farting)
424
00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:45,695
Ew, Ras-pee-you-tin.
425
00:15:45,695 --> 00:15:47,489
Who'da known he'd be my favorite Putin.
426
00:15:47,489 --> 00:15:50,575
- (soldiers knocking)
- Ah, the White Army.
427
00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:52,869
It's about time.
428
00:15:52,869 --> 00:15:55,121
You've come to escort
us to the winter palace?
429
00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:58,375
Wee.
430
00:16:00,502 --> 00:16:03,046
(gunshots blasting)
431
00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:06,883
(scoffing)
432
00:16:07,842 --> 00:16:08,677
(scoffing)
433
00:16:08,677 --> 00:16:10,553
(gunshots blasting)
434
00:16:39,874 --> 00:16:42,919
MEL: The Discovery of Fire.
435
00:16:42,919 --> 00:16:47,966
- (gentle music)
- (birds chirping)
436
00:16:49,509 --> 00:16:52,554
(cavewoman grunting)
437
00:16:53,805 --> 00:16:56,725
(cavewomen grunting)
438
00:17:15,618 --> 00:17:18,163
(cavewoman screaming)
439
00:17:18,163 --> 00:17:21,332
(cavewomen grunting)
440
00:17:32,594 --> 00:17:33,678
Stephanie.
441
00:17:33,803 --> 00:17:34,929
Spow pow.
442
00:17:34,929 --> 00:17:38,558
(cave people grunting)
443
00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:43,730
- (rocks banging)
- (cavewomen grunting)
444
00:17:55,158 --> 00:17:57,869
(cavewomen laughing)
445
00:17:57,869 --> 00:18:00,789
(cavewomen grunting)
446
00:18:02,332 --> 00:18:04,834
(gentle music)
447
00:18:04,834 --> 00:18:07,295
CAVEWOMAN 1: Wait, now that
I'm looking at that painting,
448
00:18:07,295 --> 00:18:09,214
I like really get it.
449
00:18:09,381 --> 00:18:11,007
Wait, can I just say something?
450
00:18:11,007 --> 00:18:13,343
It is so funny they call us cave people.
451
00:18:13,343 --> 00:18:14,761
I've never been in a cave.
452
00:18:14,761 --> 00:18:15,762
CAVEWOMAN 2: Oh, me neither.
453
00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:16,846
- Yeah, same.
- I don't even know
454
00:18:16,846 --> 00:18:17,931
where there is one. (laughs)
455
00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:20,892
Hey, do you guys ever feel
like your life is a movie?
456
00:18:21,059 --> 00:18:22,936
More like a TV show.
457
00:18:23,061 --> 00:18:24,771
Oh, yeah.
458
00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:26,356
Look, there's a whole crew right there.
459
00:18:26,356 --> 00:18:27,982
You can see it in the
reflection of my glasses.
460
00:18:28,108 --> 00:18:31,152
(cavewomen giggling)
461
00:18:33,113 --> 00:18:34,739
MEL: William Shakespeare.
462
00:18:36,908 --> 00:18:39,035
BACON: Such as dirty, murky trough water
463
00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:40,036
with a little bit of lemon.
464
00:18:40,036 --> 00:18:41,162
And then I don't eat till,
465
00:18:41,162 --> 00:18:42,205
my first meal is lunch.
466
00:18:42,497 --> 00:18:43,456
(writer knocking)
467
00:18:43,873 --> 00:18:45,834
Hey, uh, is this the
writer's room for Shakespeare?
468
00:18:45,834 --> 00:18:47,252
Uh, yeah, you the new guy?
469
00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:48,837
Yes, I am.
470
00:18:48,837 --> 00:18:51,423
I'm a man, as evidenced by my low voice.
471
00:18:52,382 --> 00:18:53,425
Sorry, I'm late.
472
00:18:53,425 --> 00:18:54,968
Sorry, I'm late, everyone.
473
00:18:54,968 --> 00:18:56,386
Nanny called in sick.
474
00:18:56,386 --> 00:18:57,721
She's got the plague.
475
00:18:57,887 --> 00:19:01,599
So, read the latest draft of Hamlet.
476
00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:03,768
Some good stuff, some good stuff.
477
00:19:03,768 --> 00:19:06,104
Does Shakespeare like it?
478
00:19:06,104 --> 00:19:07,814
Yeah.
479
00:19:07,814 --> 00:19:09,983
Is Shakespeare in love?
480
00:19:09,983 --> 00:19:11,901
No, no, not yet.
481
00:19:11,901 --> 00:19:13,445
Keep pushing.
482
00:19:13,445 --> 00:19:14,863
Yes, oh, hello.
483
00:19:14,863 --> 00:19:16,614
Who are you? Have we met?
484
00:19:16,990 --> 00:19:19,993
Oh, I'm a writer from the Oxford Lampoon.
485
00:19:19,993 --> 00:19:21,286
I'm a man.
486
00:19:22,787 --> 00:19:23,997
My penis itches.
487
00:19:23,997 --> 00:19:25,707
Mm, I was skeptical until he said that.
488
00:19:26,082 --> 00:19:28,585
Okay, so here's what I'd like to do.
489
00:19:28,585 --> 00:19:31,087
I would like to gray sky for a bit.
490
00:19:31,087 --> 00:19:33,214
Just throw some ideas around.
491
00:19:33,214 --> 00:19:34,591
See what sticks.
492
00:19:34,966 --> 00:19:36,092
No judgments.
493
00:19:36,384 --> 00:19:38,386
Francis Bacon, take us on our journey.
494
00:19:38,762 --> 00:19:40,597
Oh, okay, it's pretty crazy.
495
00:19:40,597 --> 00:19:42,807
But what if we do a play,
496
00:19:42,807 --> 00:19:46,394
okay, but it's got music and singing.
497
00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:49,564
So what you're suggesting,
if I'm hearing it right,
498
00:19:49,564 --> 00:19:53,068
is that people stop in
the middle of a show
499
00:19:53,068 --> 00:19:56,112
and start singing something
to the equivalent of...
500
00:19:56,112 --> 00:20:02,786
♪ I'm so sad because my
uncle killed my dad ♪
501
00:20:02,786 --> 00:20:03,870
♪ Hamlet ♪
502
00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:05,038
That's fucking awful.
503
00:20:05,163 --> 00:20:07,123
Okay, anyone else have a pitch?
504
00:20:07,123 --> 00:20:08,917
Maybe a good idea, per chance.
505
00:20:08,917 --> 00:20:12,045
What about an interracial love story?
506
00:20:12,045 --> 00:20:14,130
An English lady and a Black guy,
507
00:20:14,130 --> 00:20:16,007
but it's not about race.
508
00:20:16,007 --> 00:20:19,135
And we called it, I don't know, Othello.
509
00:20:19,302 --> 00:20:20,929
Oh, let me start off by saying this.
510
00:20:20,929 --> 00:20:24,849
I am an ally, but I don't
think it's my story to tell.
511
00:20:25,058 --> 00:20:28,144
So if you wanna develop it, I
would absolutely support that.
512
00:20:28,144 --> 00:20:32,524
But just remember, it was
conceived in this room,
513
00:20:32,816 --> 00:20:33,817
was it not?
514
00:20:33,817 --> 00:20:35,026
Yes, t'was.
515
00:20:35,318 --> 00:20:36,653
So technically I own it.
516
00:20:36,653 --> 00:20:38,071
It's a Shakespeare.
517
00:20:38,071 --> 00:20:39,948
- This motherfucker.
- Anything else?
518
00:20:39,948 --> 00:20:41,908
Um, I have a love story.
519
00:20:41,908 --> 00:20:43,284
It's about two White people.
520
00:20:43,284 --> 00:20:44,994
See, now that's relatable.
521
00:20:44,994 --> 00:20:46,538
So they're star crossed lovers,
522
00:20:46,538 --> 00:20:48,581
and they're in a small town like Verona.
523
00:20:48,957 --> 00:20:50,625
Ooh, Italy is hot right now.
524
00:20:50,917 --> 00:20:52,335
And their houses hate each other,
525
00:20:52,335 --> 00:20:53,837
but they fall in love anyway.
526
00:20:53,837 --> 00:20:57,340
And then they die tragically in the end.
527
00:20:57,340 --> 00:21:00,135
Okay, that's not quite working for me yet,
528
00:21:00,135 --> 00:21:03,847
but let me just spitball
on it for a second.
529
00:21:03,847 --> 00:21:08,893
Okay, what if they're ill-fated paramours
530
00:21:10,103 --> 00:21:14,566
from two different families
and they come from,
531
00:21:15,442 --> 00:21:18,862
I want to say, Verona, maybe?
532
00:21:19,237 --> 00:21:20,071
Right?
533
00:21:20,071 --> 00:21:23,491
And they die in a sad way.
534
00:21:23,491 --> 00:21:28,121
And we shall call it
Friends with Benefits.
535
00:21:28,121 --> 00:21:29,456
- I love that.
- SHAKESPEARE: Thank you.
536
00:21:29,456 --> 00:21:31,041
- Dynamite idea, boss.
- SHAKESPEARE: Thank you.
537
00:21:31,041 --> 00:21:32,584
But isn't that what I just pitched?
538
00:21:32,584 --> 00:21:34,669
No, you pitched me a lump of coal, and I,
539
00:21:34,794 --> 00:21:36,421
out of the kindness of my heart,
540
00:21:36,421 --> 00:21:39,007
took it and made it into a diamond.
541
00:21:39,007 --> 00:21:41,301
Okay, what you actually did was,
542
00:21:41,301 --> 00:21:43,178
I said an idea, then you repeated it
543
00:21:43,178 --> 00:21:46,931
- as if it was your own idea.
- (Shakespeare banging)
544
00:21:50,101 --> 00:21:54,939
You don't understand
the pressure I'm under.
545
00:21:55,315 --> 00:21:57,067
I have to produce.
546
00:21:57,067 --> 00:22:02,030
I have to make sure the
costumes are hot and heavy.
547
00:22:03,573 --> 00:22:07,035
I have to cast men that look
like pretty little women.
548
00:22:08,453 --> 00:22:09,996
Ooh, little women,
that could be something.
549
00:22:10,330 --> 00:22:13,291
That could be something awful.
550
00:22:17,379 --> 00:22:18,672
You know what?
551
00:22:18,672 --> 00:22:19,714
I'm sorry.
552
00:22:19,714 --> 00:22:20,674
I'm just...
553
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:22,717
Ugh, I'm rife with hunger.
554
00:22:22,717 --> 00:22:24,094
What are we doing for lunch?
555
00:22:24,344 --> 00:22:26,096
Uh, we ordered Chipotle.
556
00:22:26,096 --> 00:22:27,555
God dammit.
557
00:22:27,931 --> 00:22:29,557
(Uric grunting and crashing)
558
00:22:29,933 --> 00:22:31,226
Alas, poor Uric.
559
00:22:31,434 --> 00:22:33,436
It's fine, I barely knew him anyway.
560
00:22:33,436 --> 00:22:36,481
(harpsichord music)
561
00:22:37,941 --> 00:22:39,067
MEL: Rasputin.
562
00:22:41,528 --> 00:22:43,279
The mystical Russian priest
563
00:22:43,279 --> 00:22:47,409
who had a powerful mental
hold on the Romanov family.
564
00:22:47,409 --> 00:22:50,078
This didn't sit well
with some of the Nobles,
565
00:22:50,078 --> 00:22:52,706
so they decided to kill him,
566
00:22:52,706 --> 00:22:54,916
which by the way, wasn't so easy.
567
00:22:54,916 --> 00:22:58,169
(gentle rock music)
568
00:22:58,169 --> 00:23:01,089
I'm Rasputin, and this is
getting stabbed in the back
569
00:23:01,089 --> 00:23:03,008
and thrown in the River Neva.
570
00:23:04,300 --> 00:23:07,804
Oh, oh, fuck, fuck, fuck.
571
00:23:07,804 --> 00:23:10,515
(Chris laughing)
572
00:23:10,515 --> 00:23:12,267
CHRIS: Throw him in.
573
00:23:12,267 --> 00:23:13,476
(water splashing)
574
00:23:13,852 --> 00:23:17,939
(Preston and Wee-Man laughing)
575
00:23:22,902 --> 00:23:25,113
MEL: The Russian Revolution.
576
00:23:27,323 --> 00:23:28,783
Now back in the shtetl...
577
00:23:28,783 --> 00:23:29,993
FANNY: Isn't it great?
578
00:23:29,993 --> 00:23:32,037
Those Romanov pigs are dead.
579
00:23:32,287 --> 00:23:34,330
The proletariat rules Russia.
580
00:23:34,330 --> 00:23:37,167
We must go to Moscow
and join the revolution.
581
00:23:37,167 --> 00:23:39,836
My beautiful absolutely faithful wife,
582
00:23:39,836 --> 00:23:42,297
have you lost your mind?
583
00:23:42,297 --> 00:23:44,215
How could we leave all of this behind?
584
00:23:44,215 --> 00:23:45,633
Nice, Dad just rhymed.
585
00:23:45,633 --> 00:23:47,552
Here comes another song.
586
00:23:47,552 --> 00:23:50,889
♪ We'll pack our bag and
move off to the city ♪
587
00:23:50,889 --> 00:23:54,267
♪ Where a dream life in
the ghetto waits for you ♪
588
00:23:54,267 --> 00:23:56,436
♪ Let the Goyim have this
rural life so shitty ♪
589
00:23:56,436 --> 00:23:57,520
What?
590
00:23:57,520 --> 00:23:58,521
♪ This shtetl stinks ♪
591
00:23:58,521 --> 00:24:02,359
♪ It's no place for a Jew ♪
592
00:24:02,359 --> 00:24:05,487
♪ I rather like the easy
lifestyle of the shtetl ♪
593
00:24:05,487 --> 00:24:09,032
♪ Where every murderous
cossack knows your name ♪
594
00:24:09,032 --> 00:24:10,283
♪ Why seek out that thin fear ♪
595
00:24:10,283 --> 00:24:12,243
♪ We've got plenty of it here ♪
596
00:24:12,243 --> 00:24:14,829
♪ My dear, the city's no place for a Jew ♪
597
00:24:14,829 --> 00:24:15,789
There's no place for you.
598
00:24:15,789 --> 00:24:17,290
Well, that could be.
599
00:24:17,290 --> 00:24:20,168
♪ Schuck, you're a
schmendrik, you're a putz ♪
600
00:24:20,168 --> 00:24:23,630
♪ You've got more mud
than brains or guts ♪
601
00:24:23,630 --> 00:24:26,925
♪ Better a living shtetl schmendrik ♪
602
00:24:26,925 --> 00:24:29,886
♪ Than a dead big city Bolshevik ♪
603
00:24:29,886 --> 00:24:31,012
Bullshit.
604
00:24:31,012 --> 00:24:33,223
- Fanny, language.
- Sorry.
605
00:24:37,352 --> 00:24:39,020
♪ See, this is what I'm saying ♪
606
00:24:39,020 --> 00:24:40,605
♪ This cossack wants us dead ♪
607
00:24:40,605 --> 00:24:42,649
♪ This cossack has a name,
his name is Fred ♪
608
00:24:42,816 --> 00:24:44,109
- Hi, Fred.
- Hi.
609
00:24:44,109 --> 00:24:45,360
♪ I've known this anti-Semite ♪
610
00:24:45,360 --> 00:24:46,903
♪ for most of my whole life ♪
611
00:24:46,903 --> 00:24:48,279
♪ He's the one who stabbed your father ♪
612
00:24:48,405 --> 00:24:49,906
♪ I stabbed him with my knife ♪
613
00:24:49,906 --> 00:24:52,367
♪ Stabbed him with his knife ♪
614
00:24:52,909 --> 00:24:54,744
♪ This cossacks not a killer ♪
615
00:24:54,744 --> 00:24:56,371
♪ Just peckish, the poor guy ♪
616
00:24:56,371 --> 00:24:58,623
♪ Keep your hands of me
you filthy stinking Jew ♪
617
00:24:58,623 --> 00:24:59,791
See?
618
00:24:59,791 --> 00:25:00,917
♪ But I've got just the ticket ♪
619
00:25:00,917 --> 00:25:02,627
♪ The delicious Mudman pie ♪
620
00:25:02,627 --> 00:25:07,674
♪ A little nosh to brighten
up your genocidal mood ♪
621
00:25:08,550 --> 00:25:12,012
(Fred gagging and coughing)
622
00:25:12,012 --> 00:25:13,179
(smacking thud)
623
00:25:14,264 --> 00:25:15,348
Oh, charades.
624
00:25:15,348 --> 00:25:18,143
He wants to do charades, okay.
625
00:25:18,143 --> 00:25:19,310
(Fred gagging and coughing)
626
00:25:19,310 --> 00:25:20,645
Okay.
627
00:25:20,645 --> 00:25:21,980
FAMILY: First word.
628
00:25:21,980 --> 00:25:23,106
- I.
- I.
629
00:25:23,106 --> 00:25:24,441
Joshy, you're so smart.
630
00:25:24,441 --> 00:25:26,901
And don't get me started on that body.
631
00:25:27,027 --> 00:25:27,944
Second word.
632
00:25:28,111 --> 00:25:29,112
Uh, oh.
633
00:25:29,112 --> 00:25:31,072
Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill.
634
00:25:31,072 --> 00:25:32,490
Good job, Joshy.
635
00:25:32,615 --> 00:25:33,867
Third word.
636
00:25:33,867 --> 00:25:36,661
- Uh... oh, a sheep?
- (sheep baaing)
637
00:25:36,661 --> 00:25:38,204
Yes, oh, but a female sheep. (whistling)
638
00:25:38,204 --> 00:25:40,832
- Ewe.
- Yes, a ewe.
639
00:25:40,832 --> 00:25:43,251
- You.
- I kill you.
640
00:25:43,543 --> 00:25:44,419
Fourth word.
641
00:25:44,586 --> 00:25:46,087
- Shoe?
- Shoe.
642
00:25:46,087 --> 00:25:47,255
I kill you shoes.
643
00:25:47,255 --> 00:25:48,673
- He hates shoes.
- JOSH: I kill you shoes.
644
00:25:48,673 --> 00:25:51,718
Oh, oh, oh, I kill you Jews.
645
00:25:51,718 --> 00:25:53,345
- SCHMUCK: There it is.
- FANNY: I told you, see?
646
00:25:53,345 --> 00:25:55,221
Yeah, you were right, okay.
647
00:25:55,472 --> 00:25:56,348
Oh.
648
00:25:57,265 --> 00:25:59,726
(Fred crashing)
649
00:25:59,726 --> 00:26:00,727
(sheep baaing)
650
00:26:00,727 --> 00:26:01,936
All right.
651
00:26:03,271 --> 00:26:04,147
FANNY: Oh.
652
00:26:06,107 --> 00:26:08,485
Well, let's pack our one bag.
653
00:26:08,485 --> 00:26:15,492
♪ The city is the right
place for these Jews ♪
654
00:26:15,492 --> 00:26:18,995
(music builds and ends)
655
00:26:18,995 --> 00:26:21,289
But honestly we should get
going if we wanna beat traffic.
656
00:26:21,289 --> 00:26:23,416
- Let's go.
- (Fanny clapping)
657
00:26:23,416 --> 00:26:24,459
FANNY: I'm so happy.
658
00:26:24,459 --> 00:26:27,212
(light music)
659
00:26:27,212 --> 00:26:30,507
(bright whimsical music)
660
00:27:29,941 --> 00:27:32,944
(triumphant brass music)
661
00:27:32,944 --> 00:27:35,905
Captioned by Point.360