1 00:00:02,168 --> 00:00:05,338 - (dramatic music) - MEL: It's June 6th, 1944. 2 00:00:05,338 --> 00:00:06,923 - (distant explosions) - D-Day. 3 00:00:06,923 --> 00:00:11,052 {\an8}The Allied forces storm the beaches of Normandy. 4 00:00:11,052 --> 00:00:13,596 - (compass clicking) - (planes flying overhead, gunfire) 5 00:00:13,596 --> 00:00:17,267 Boys, we're gonna be storming Omaha Beach in a couple minutes. 6 00:00:17,267 --> 00:00:20,228 Be steady. It's time to find out what you're all made of. 7 00:00:20,228 --> 00:00:22,689 - (bang, baby crying loudly) - (retches) Oh god. 8 00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:24,983 (gasp) Just barfed in the corner over here, sir! 9 00:00:24,983 --> 00:00:28,737 Well, just try and keep it out the boat, okay? 10 00:00:28,737 --> 00:00:30,196 (retches) 11 00:00:30,196 --> 00:00:32,365 Private Tully, get a grip on your nerves! 12 00:00:32,365 --> 00:00:34,409 It's not nerves, sir. 13 00:00:34,409 --> 00:00:35,660 I get seasick. 14 00:00:35,660 --> 00:00:37,078 Well, just keep your eyes on the horizon. 15 00:00:37,078 --> 00:00:38,246 That goes for everyone. 16 00:00:38,538 --> 00:00:40,999 (retches, gagging) 17 00:00:40,999 --> 00:00:42,542 Don't tell me you're seasick too, Johnson. 18 00:00:42,542 --> 00:00:43,960 No, sir! 19 00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:45,962 I think I just went a little too hard on the pâté 20 00:00:45,962 --> 00:00:47,088 at dinner last night, sir. 21 00:00:47,088 --> 00:00:48,256 What? 22 00:00:48,256 --> 00:00:50,467 They didn't serve pâté in the mess. 23 00:00:50,467 --> 00:00:51,843 Did you go AWOL last night? 24 00:00:51,843 --> 00:00:53,553 Yeah. (groan) 25 00:00:53,553 --> 00:00:54,596 Did any of you join him? 26 00:00:54,596 --> 00:00:57,724 (retches, gagging) 27 00:00:57,724 --> 00:00:59,851 - I did, sir! (gasp) - (war sounds continue) 28 00:00:59,851 --> 00:01:01,519 I had a lot of oysters, 29 00:01:01,519 --> 00:01:04,439 and now that I think about it, they were pretty warm. 30 00:01:04,439 --> 00:01:06,524 Y'all defied orders and went to a restaurant? 31 00:01:06,524 --> 00:01:08,068 Sir, we're in Europe, 32 00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:10,236 and we just thought if it was gonna be our last meal, 33 00:01:10,236 --> 00:01:12,280 - (war sounds continue) - that it should be someplace special. 34 00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:13,948 We found this adorable little pub. 35 00:01:13,948 --> 00:01:16,201 - (loud retching) - Oh god! 36 00:01:16,201 --> 00:01:17,827 (retches) 37 00:01:17,827 --> 00:01:20,747 Private Martinez, you go to this little dinner, too? 38 00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:23,291 No, sir, I wasn't invited, sir! And to be honest, 39 00:01:23,291 --> 00:01:25,251 it's kinda hurtful to find out in this manner. 40 00:01:25,251 --> 00:01:27,921 - Sorry, man. - Then, why the hell are you yakking then? 41 00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:29,839 I have a hair trigger gag reflex, sir. 42 00:01:29,839 --> 00:01:31,466 If I see somebody puke, I'm puking right away. 43 00:01:31,466 --> 00:01:33,093 - (war sounds continue) - (retching) 44 00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:34,719 - (soldiers yell) - Private Bryant, report! 45 00:01:34,719 --> 00:01:36,721 - Share! - I'm fine! 46 00:01:36,721 --> 00:01:39,516 - CAPTAIN: That's a direct order! - I don't wanna talk about it! 47 00:01:39,516 --> 00:01:41,393 He's not fine, sir. 48 00:01:41,393 --> 00:01:43,353 He's been this way since basic. 49 00:01:43,353 --> 00:01:45,855 Always after meals, if you catch my drift. 50 00:01:46,398 --> 00:01:47,649 So, what do I do here? 51 00:01:48,149 --> 00:01:50,402 I-I don't know. Tell him he looks good in any size? 52 00:01:50,402 --> 00:01:52,570 Or maybe don't talk about his body at all, sir. 53 00:01:52,570 --> 00:01:53,905 (retches) 54 00:01:53,905 --> 00:01:56,449 Private Cooper, what is your major malfunction!? 55 00:01:56,449 --> 00:01:59,411 Sorry, sir. I'm just a straight-up coward. 56 00:01:59,411 --> 00:02:00,912 - (retching) - (soldier groans) 57 00:02:00,912 --> 00:02:02,330 I'm afraid of sharks. 58 00:02:02,330 --> 00:02:04,290 - Hair trigger, sir. - (gun clicking) 59 00:02:04,290 --> 00:02:06,001 Enough! 60 00:02:06,001 --> 00:02:08,169 No more vomit! 61 00:02:08,169 --> 00:02:11,297 Now, we are about to embark on the biggest military campaign 62 00:02:11,297 --> 00:02:13,591 in the history of the world, part two! 63 00:02:13,591 --> 00:02:15,260 - And I need you to just... - (explosion) 64 00:02:15,260 --> 00:02:17,345 (upset growling) 65 00:02:17,345 --> 00:02:19,848 Captain, are you okay? 66 00:02:19,848 --> 00:02:21,391 No. 67 00:02:21,391 --> 00:02:23,643 - I just shit my dang pants. - Oh, no. 68 00:02:23,643 --> 00:02:27,105 (prestigious music) 69 00:02:27,105 --> 00:02:30,650 - (vomiting) - (indistinct yelling) 70 00:02:31,359 --> 00:02:33,069 SOLDIER: Save it for the Nazis! 71 00:02:35,030 --> 00:02:38,033 (theme song) 72 00:02:41,286 --> 00:02:44,289 MEL: History of the World, Part II! 73 00:02:50,879 --> 00:02:52,088 (biblical music) 74 00:02:52,088 --> 00:02:54,174 MEL: The Story of Jesus. 75 00:02:56,468 --> 00:02:57,510 (whoosh, static) 76 00:02:57,510 --> 00:03:00,388 (angelic vocals) 77 00:03:01,723 --> 00:03:04,726 ("Curb Your Enthusiasm" theme) 78 00:03:08,688 --> 00:03:12,359 (insects chirping) 79 00:03:12,359 --> 00:03:14,694 Mm. (smack) Mm. 80 00:03:17,405 --> 00:03:18,865 Mm. Delicious. 81 00:03:18,865 --> 00:03:21,284 - Luke, there it is! - (laugh) 82 00:03:21,284 --> 00:03:23,703 - Judas, what's goin' down? - How you doin', man? 83 00:03:23,703 --> 00:03:25,372 Man, I had to get me something in my belly, man. 84 00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:26,831 You know that last supper wasn't shit. 85 00:03:26,831 --> 00:03:28,917 (sighs) Didn't hit anything for me. 86 00:03:28,917 --> 00:03:30,543 Yeah. More like a Last Snack, right? 87 00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,797 Nothin' worse than going somewhere for a meal, 88 00:03:33,797 --> 00:03:35,632 and you gotta come the fuck home and eat again. 89 00:03:35,632 --> 00:03:37,676 It's like, what's the point? I could've just stayed home. 90 00:03:37,676 --> 00:03:39,010 - What's the fuckin' point? - I know. 91 00:03:39,010 --> 00:03:41,012 Jesus invites us over for dinner, and then what? 92 00:03:41,012 --> 00:03:42,597 It's like a bunch of small medi plates? 93 00:03:42,597 --> 00:03:44,599 One lamb meatball as an entrée? 94 00:03:44,599 --> 00:03:47,102 If you're gonna gimme one meatball, it better be a big-ass meatball. 95 00:03:47,102 --> 00:03:48,520 If it's not bigger than my head, 96 00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:49,479 I don't want it. 97 00:03:49,479 --> 00:03:50,855 Look, I don't wanna complain. 98 00:03:50,855 --> 00:03:51,898 Can't hate on Jesus. 99 00:03:51,898 --> 00:03:53,108 I can't hate on Jesus. 100 00:03:53,108 --> 00:03:54,275 I love being a disciple. 101 00:03:54,275 --> 00:03:56,486 But, you go to one of these dinners, 102 00:03:56,486 --> 00:03:58,154 there's 11 other guys there 103 00:03:58,154 --> 00:04:00,615 who got plans that they want you to attend. 104 00:04:00,615 --> 00:04:02,659 - Did Peter corner you? - Of course he did. 105 00:04:02,659 --> 00:04:04,119 (whining) "You coming to my one-man show?" 106 00:04:04,119 --> 00:04:05,662 One-man fuckin' show, that's the worst! 107 00:04:05,662 --> 00:04:07,205 With a one-man show, you don't get the chance 108 00:04:07,205 --> 00:04:08,707 to see other people, other actors, and shit. 109 00:04:08,707 --> 00:04:10,500 You sitting there like, "this motherfucka again?" 110 00:04:10,500 --> 00:04:12,043 - I know. I know. -"But this motherfucka again! 111 00:04:12,043 --> 00:04:12,961 Ain't never leave!" 112 00:04:12,961 --> 00:04:14,045 So, he's always gonna be "this motherfucka again!" 113 00:04:14,045 --> 00:04:14,963 I know. 114 00:04:14,963 --> 00:04:17,007 I know. I feel gross after that. Do you know why? 115 00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:18,967 - Why? - All that feet washing. 116 00:04:18,967 --> 00:04:21,219 Why is everybody washing feet all the time? 117 00:04:21,219 --> 00:04:23,430 Why is Jesus obsessed with washing feet? 118 00:04:23,430 --> 00:04:24,639 - I don't like it. - It's unsanitary! 119 00:04:24,639 --> 00:04:25,849 It's unsanitary. 120 00:04:25,849 --> 00:04:27,767 - Thank you. Thank you! - That's what it is. 121 00:04:27,767 --> 00:04:29,102 I just don't like feet. 122 00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:30,437 I don't wanna wash 'em. 123 00:04:30,437 --> 00:04:31,938 I don't wanna look at 'em. 124 00:04:31,938 --> 00:04:33,314 I... don't like feet. 125 00:04:33,314 --> 00:04:34,816 - Oh, man. - You like feet? 126 00:04:34,816 --> 00:04:36,693 - I made a love to a fuckin' foot. - Really? 127 00:04:36,693 --> 00:04:38,236 Oh, man. Well, two feet. 128 00:04:38,236 --> 00:04:40,196 - See, you're sitting in a yoga pose... - Yeah. Mm-hmm. 129 00:04:40,196 --> 00:04:41,865 ...you put both feet together, 130 00:04:41,865 --> 00:04:43,825 - so that you create this. - Oh, okay. 131 00:04:43,825 --> 00:04:44,743 Put a little lubricant 132 00:04:44,743 --> 00:04:45,660 - in that motherfucka, - Right. 133 00:04:45,660 --> 00:04:47,454 and break them feet off. Break 'em off. 134 00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:49,247 Get the party started. You break your way up. 135 00:04:49,247 --> 00:04:50,665 (door knocking) 136 00:04:50,665 --> 00:04:52,792 What is this? Who knocks at this hour? 137 00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:56,046 That's why we put blood on the door frame! 138 00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:58,506 So, you could pass over us! 139 00:04:58,506 --> 00:04:59,924 See? Pass over! 140 00:04:59,924 --> 00:05:01,843 (jaunty Curb music) 141 00:05:01,843 --> 00:05:03,636 - Huh? - Uh oh. It's the Ro-Ro. 142 00:05:03,636 --> 00:05:05,055 - (police siren) - JUDAS: Roman soldiers? 143 00:05:05,055 --> 00:05:07,140 what are they doing here at this hour? 144 00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:09,434 (police radio chatter) 145 00:05:09,893 --> 00:05:10,810 Judas Iscariot? 146 00:05:11,519 --> 00:05:14,022 - Nope, don't think he's, uh... - Right here. 147 00:05:14,022 --> 00:05:15,357 The fuck are you doing, man? 148 00:05:15,357 --> 00:05:16,900 Not gonna stay here and get profiled. 149 00:05:16,900 --> 00:05:18,526 ROMAN: I'm gonna cut straight to the chase. 150 00:05:18,526 --> 00:05:20,153 We've gotta arrest this Jesus character. 151 00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:21,529 He is a danger to the community. 152 00:05:21,905 --> 00:05:24,657 Whoa, whoa, h-hold the fuck up, Mr. Rooster Helmet. 153 00:05:24,657 --> 00:05:26,326 Cock-a-doodle-doo. I don't know what the fuck 154 00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:29,371 you talking about right now, but Jesus is all about the peace. 155 00:05:29,371 --> 00:05:31,623 Peace and love. He's all about peace and love. 156 00:05:31,623 --> 00:05:33,958 Judas, we know you were at the Last Supper. 157 00:05:33,958 --> 00:05:36,252 Everyone knows you're the most weaselly apostle. 158 00:05:36,252 --> 00:05:37,712 That feels antisemitic. 159 00:05:37,712 --> 00:05:39,923 What we don't know is what this Jesus looks like. 160 00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:41,675 Now, you identify him for us, 161 00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:44,177 and you will be richly compensated. 162 00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:45,595 Richly compensated? 163 00:05:45,595 --> 00:05:46,888 (pensive Curb music) 164 00:05:46,888 --> 00:05:48,014 Uh-huh. 165 00:05:49,599 --> 00:05:51,101 Hm... 166 00:05:51,101 --> 00:05:53,728 Eh? Mm-hmm? 167 00:05:55,647 --> 00:05:56,690 Hm. 168 00:05:58,316 --> 00:05:59,359 Eh? 169 00:06:00,402 --> 00:06:01,903 Okay, well... 170 00:06:01,903 --> 00:06:03,905 if I were to do it, and I'm not saying I would-- 171 00:06:03,905 --> 00:06:06,157 - LUKE: Hypothetically speaking, of course. - Hypothetically speaking, 172 00:06:06,282 --> 00:06:07,742 if I were to do it... 173 00:06:08,785 --> 00:06:10,370 I mean, what would be in it for me? 174 00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:12,288 - 30 pieces of silver. - (coins jangling) 175 00:06:12,288 --> 00:06:14,332 30 pieces of silver? 176 00:06:14,332 --> 00:06:15,750 Mm... 177 00:06:15,750 --> 00:06:17,002 (sigh) 178 00:06:17,002 --> 00:06:19,546 I mean, I'm not gonna... I'm not gonna do it. 179 00:06:19,671 --> 00:06:21,297 Jesus is a good friend. He's a good friend of ours. 180 00:06:21,297 --> 00:06:23,341 - LUKE: Right. - But, if I were to do it, 181 00:06:23,341 --> 00:06:25,010 how would I even identify him? 182 00:06:25,010 --> 00:06:26,553 You're the weasel. You tell me. 183 00:06:26,553 --> 00:06:28,930 Hey. Maybe slap him on the ass. 184 00:06:28,930 --> 00:06:30,598 - Slap him on the ass? - Yeah! 185 00:06:30,598 --> 00:06:32,642 Why don't I just give him a big fat kiss while I'm at it? 186 00:06:32,642 --> 00:06:34,269 ROMAN: Oh! That could work!. 187 00:06:34,269 --> 00:06:36,563 - JUDAS: What? - Yeah. You give him a kiss, 188 00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:37,981 we swoop in-- Gimme your hand. 189 00:06:37,981 --> 00:06:39,733 We swoop in and arrest him. 190 00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:40,859 (coins clicking) 191 00:06:40,859 --> 00:06:42,819 Soldiers, march! 192 00:06:42,819 --> 00:06:45,321 - (speaking Latin) on the left! - (police siren) 193 00:06:45,321 --> 00:06:46,656 (speaking Latin) on the right... 194 00:06:46,656 --> 00:06:48,283 Know what you can do with 30 pieces of silver? 195 00:06:48,283 --> 00:06:49,284 What? 196 00:06:49,284 --> 00:06:51,161 Buy one big-ass meatball. 197 00:06:51,161 --> 00:06:52,328 ("Curb Your Enthusiasm" music) 198 00:06:52,328 --> 00:06:53,997 We would've a nice dinner, wouldn't we? 199 00:06:53,997 --> 00:06:57,375 - Fuckin' right. (laughing) - (coins jangling) 200 00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:01,338 ♪ 201 00:07:01,338 --> 00:07:03,089 MEL: Shirley Chisholm. 202 00:07:03,089 --> 00:07:05,675 (funk music playing) 203 00:07:05,675 --> 00:07:08,470 In 1968, Shirley Chisholm 204 00:07:08,470 --> 00:07:10,180 - became the first Black woman - (projector click) 205 00:07:10,513 --> 00:07:13,016 elected to the United States Congress, 206 00:07:13,016 --> 00:07:14,351 serving Brooklyn, 207 00:07:14,726 --> 00:07:16,728 the home of me, and Jay-Z. 208 00:07:16,728 --> 00:07:18,980 Brooklyn represent, represent! 209 00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:20,690 I don't know what that means. 210 00:07:20,690 --> 00:07:23,360 Anyway, four years later, she ran for president, 211 00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:27,072 and this is that story. With a laugh track! 212 00:07:28,198 --> 00:07:29,366 (70s sitcom music) 213 00:07:29,366 --> 00:07:31,284 ♪ From Barbados to Brooklyn, ♪ 214 00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:32,660 ♪ then to DC ♪ 215 00:07:32,660 --> 00:07:34,996 ♪ She's the first Black congresswoman ♪ 216 00:07:34,996 --> 00:07:37,499 {\an8}♪ She's Shirley, It's been a long, hard road ♪ 217 00:07:37,499 --> 00:07:39,167 {\an8}♪ But hope was never lost ♪ 218 00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:43,088 {\an8}♪ 'Cause that girl Shirley's unbought and unbossed ♪ 219 00:07:43,088 --> 00:07:45,757 {\an8}♪ Ooo, ooo, "Shirley!" ♪ 220 00:07:45,757 --> 00:07:47,384 {\an8}(audience cheering) 221 00:07:47,384 --> 00:07:48,677 ANNOUNCER: Shirley is brought to you 222 00:07:48,677 --> 00:07:50,804 by the actual presidential candidate, 223 00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:51,971 {\an8}Shirley Chisholm, 224 00:07:51,971 --> 00:07:54,099 {\an8}and filmed in front of a live 225 00:07:54,099 --> 00:07:55,266 {\an8}Black audience. 226 00:07:55,266 --> 00:07:57,644 (upbeat music playing) 227 00:07:57,644 --> 00:08:01,106 (audience cheering) 228 00:08:01,106 --> 00:08:04,109 How's my favorite first Black congresswoman? 229 00:08:04,109 --> 00:08:05,777 She's terrible. 230 00:08:05,777 --> 00:08:07,237 Nothing gets done in Congress, 231 00:08:07,237 --> 00:08:09,280 except for me getting screwed. 232 00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:11,950 (audience laughing) 233 00:08:11,950 --> 00:08:13,868 And speaking of getting screwed, 234 00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:15,954 how's my favorite dick? 235 00:08:15,954 --> 00:08:18,665 Did you solve the case of the missing circus elephant? 236 00:08:18,665 --> 00:08:20,375 Heh, sure did. Turns out, 237 00:08:20,375 --> 00:08:22,043 it was the evil Ringling Brother. 238 00:08:22,043 --> 00:08:23,086 Ding-A-Ling. 239 00:08:23,086 --> 00:08:25,630 (audience laughing) 240 00:08:25,630 --> 00:08:28,883 (audience cheering) 241 00:08:28,883 --> 00:08:30,635 I always thought of you as a clown. 242 00:08:30,635 --> 00:08:34,139 I guess now, my eyes have caught up with my brain. 243 00:08:34,139 --> 00:08:37,684 (audience laughing) 244 00:08:37,684 --> 00:08:39,728 (audience cheering) 245 00:08:39,728 --> 00:08:41,396 Ha ha! 246 00:08:41,396 --> 00:08:43,023 Florynce Kennedy, 247 00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:45,692 why do you insist on coming through my window? 248 00:08:45,692 --> 00:08:47,402 Because you won't gimme a key. 249 00:08:47,402 --> 00:08:49,696 (audience laughing) 250 00:08:49,696 --> 00:08:51,156 So, what were y'all talking about? 251 00:08:51,156 --> 00:08:54,367 Oh, just how I'm fed up with Congress is all. 252 00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:55,785 You know, I wanna work on the problems 253 00:08:55,785 --> 00:08:57,871 of my constituents in Brooklyn. 254 00:08:57,871 --> 00:09:00,790 You know, healthcare, education, 255 00:09:00,790 --> 00:09:02,751 tickets to Marvin Gaye. 256 00:09:02,751 --> 00:09:04,544 FLORYNCE: As your chief advisor, 257 00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:07,130 you got to take this to the tippity top! 258 00:09:08,340 --> 00:09:09,841 BOTH: Harry Belafonte? 259 00:09:09,841 --> 00:09:11,843 (audience laughing) 260 00:09:11,843 --> 00:09:14,637 No. To the president. 261 00:09:14,637 --> 00:09:17,098 You want me to call President Nixon? 262 00:09:17,098 --> 00:09:19,517 Well, there are a few things I'd like to call him, 263 00:09:19,517 --> 00:09:21,353 but they wouldn't clear standards and practices. 264 00:09:21,353 --> 00:09:22,937 (audience laughing) 265 00:09:22,937 --> 00:09:25,023 You know what? Maybe I will. 266 00:09:27,359 --> 00:09:30,779 (dialing, dial tone) 267 00:09:30,779 --> 00:09:32,781 Hello, is this the White House? 268 00:09:32,781 --> 00:09:35,033 This is Congresswoman Shirley Chisholm, 269 00:09:35,033 --> 00:09:38,495 and I would like to speak with President Nixon, please. 270 00:09:38,495 --> 00:09:40,663 Oh hello, Mr. President. 271 00:09:40,663 --> 00:09:44,125 I didn't realize that you answered your own phone. 272 00:09:44,125 --> 00:09:46,711 How... very not paranoid of you, sir. 273 00:09:46,711 --> 00:09:49,756 (audience laughing) 274 00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:51,966 Yes. Uh huh. 275 00:09:51,966 --> 00:09:53,635 Tonight? 276 00:09:53,635 --> 00:09:55,261 7:30? 277 00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:56,846 My place? 278 00:09:56,846 --> 00:09:58,598 - Nothing too ethnic. - (audience laughing) 279 00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:01,226 Yes! I can do that. 280 00:10:01,226 --> 00:10:02,560 Thank you. 281 00:10:03,687 --> 00:10:04,896 (hangs up phone) 282 00:10:04,896 --> 00:10:06,564 Guess who's coming to dinner? 283 00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:09,150 - (all grunting) - Will you two stop playing around 284 00:10:09,150 --> 00:10:10,735 - and get ready? - CONRAD: Oh! Okay! All right. 285 00:10:10,735 --> 00:10:12,779 - Think it's stuck. Ooh, boy! - (Conrad grunting) 286 00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:15,448 (audience laughing) 287 00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:18,868 - (phone falls off hook) - Help! Help! Help! 288 00:10:18,868 --> 00:10:20,495 (audience cheering, applauding) 289 00:10:20,495 --> 00:10:22,247 ANNOUNCER: Shirley will be right back 290 00:10:22,247 --> 00:10:24,749 after these Black hair product commercials. 291 00:10:26,543 --> 00:10:27,627 (military music playing) 292 00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:30,672 MEL: Previously on The Civil War. 293 00:10:30,672 --> 00:10:31,965 (battle sounds) 294 00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:35,093 No more alcohol until the war is over. 295 00:10:35,093 --> 00:10:36,302 (angry growl) 296 00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:37,846 RT, come over here. 297 00:10:37,846 --> 00:10:39,681 There's my big, strong boy. 298 00:10:39,681 --> 00:10:42,308 You are ready to join me on a top secret mission. 299 00:10:42,308 --> 00:10:44,769 I will follow you to the gates of hell, sir. 300 00:10:44,769 --> 00:10:47,439 It's worse then that son. We're going to West Virginia. 301 00:10:47,439 --> 00:10:49,024 No! 302 00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:54,362 (Western-style music) 303 00:10:54,362 --> 00:10:55,989 RT (whispering): West Virginia is so much 304 00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:56,906 {\an8}worse than I thought. 305 00:10:56,906 --> 00:10:58,116 {\an8}(town chatter) 306 00:10:58,116 --> 00:10:59,993 Good call on losing the uniforms, sir. 307 00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:01,578 (whisper): Yeah, I know. I'm a general. 308 00:11:01,578 --> 00:11:03,621 This isn't my first secret mission. 309 00:11:03,621 --> 00:11:05,957 RT: What is the secret mission, by the way? 310 00:11:05,957 --> 00:11:08,001 We'll go to that saloon over there and have a quick drink. 311 00:11:08,418 --> 00:11:09,502 - Just try to blend in. - RT: Yes, sir. 312 00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:11,046 (Southern accent): Howdy! 313 00:11:11,046 --> 00:11:13,548 - RT: Howdy! - H-- Say it with a Southern accent! 314 00:11:13,548 --> 00:11:15,216 - RT (Southern): Howdy! - GRANT (Southern): Howdy! 315 00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:17,552 - (Irish accent): Howdy-do? - Not Irish! 316 00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:19,679 - (car lock beeping) - And don't futz with the settings, 317 00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:21,514 please, thank you. Yeah. 318 00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:23,391 Now listen, RT. 319 00:11:23,391 --> 00:11:24,976 We gotta keep a low profile, okay? 320 00:11:24,976 --> 00:11:26,853 These people don't like our kind. 321 00:11:26,853 --> 00:11:28,980 - Sagittarius? - (blacksmith sounds, street noise) 322 00:11:28,980 --> 00:11:30,398 - Yankees! - Right. 323 00:11:30,398 --> 00:11:31,775 Of course you're a Sagittarius. 324 00:11:31,775 --> 00:11:33,526 With Mercury in retrograde, it all makes sense. 325 00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:35,487 Just listen to me. Okay, be cool, 326 00:11:35,487 --> 00:11:37,572 and if anything's out of order, just split up, 327 00:11:37,572 --> 00:11:38,573 - and I'll find you, okay? - Yes, sir. 328 00:11:38,948 --> 00:11:40,241 GRANT: (sigh) Shit. 329 00:11:40,241 --> 00:11:42,118 (old timey piano) 330 00:11:42,118 --> 00:11:44,537 - (saloon chatter) - (grunt) 331 00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:45,705 (chatter stops) 332 00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:48,041 (straining) 333 00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:49,793 (doors creaking) 334 00:11:49,793 --> 00:11:51,169 (groaning) 335 00:11:51,169 --> 00:11:52,962 - (grunt) - Oh! Jesus! 336 00:11:52,962 --> 00:11:55,006 What was that? 337 00:11:55,006 --> 00:11:56,841 - You said split up. - Not literally! 338 00:11:58,385 --> 00:11:59,719 (sigh) 339 00:12:00,804 --> 00:12:03,515 - Howdy! (laugh) - Howdy. 340 00:12:03,515 --> 00:12:04,891 - (chatter resumes) - GRANT: Howdy to you. 341 00:12:04,891 --> 00:12:06,518 Howdy, just here for a drink. 342 00:12:06,518 --> 00:12:07,686 (piano restarts) 343 00:12:07,686 --> 00:12:09,813 (deep): Howdy. (clears throat) 344 00:12:09,813 --> 00:12:11,815 (clearing throat) 345 00:12:11,815 --> 00:12:13,358 Hello, sir. I'd like one whiskey. 346 00:12:13,358 --> 00:12:15,151 Sir? Please? Hello! 347 00:12:15,151 --> 00:12:17,112 Okay, he looked me right in the eye. 348 00:12:17,112 --> 00:12:19,322 - (sigh) - (whispers): Okay, sir. General. 349 00:12:19,322 --> 00:12:20,824 I have a strategy. 350 00:12:20,824 --> 00:12:22,575 - I think if we wanna properly blend in... - Yes. 351 00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:24,577 ...that we should be able to adopt new characters. 352 00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:25,954 - Okay. Yeah. - Okay? So, 353 00:12:25,954 --> 00:12:28,998 I think I should be Byron De La Étouffée, 354 00:12:28,998 --> 00:12:30,834 - prosperous tobacco magnate. - Okay. 355 00:12:30,834 --> 00:12:32,919 You can be Mint Julep De La Étouffée, 356 00:12:32,919 --> 00:12:34,170 - my son. - (annoyed grunt) 357 00:12:34,170 --> 00:12:35,797 Why would I be your son? 358 00:12:35,797 --> 00:12:37,549 In what universe does that make sense? 359 00:12:37,549 --> 00:12:39,384 I'm 20 years older than you. 360 00:12:40,051 --> 00:12:41,344 - Just an idea. - It's a bad idea. 361 00:12:41,344 --> 00:12:42,887 - Okay. - Okay, j-j-j-just sit here 362 00:12:42,887 --> 00:12:44,472 - and watch my back. - Yes, sir. 363 00:12:44,472 --> 00:12:45,849 GRANT: Come to papa. 364 00:12:45,849 --> 00:12:47,517 That's what I've been waiting for. What, uh-- 365 00:12:47,517 --> 00:12:50,979 What? What!? What are you-- You are a psychopath, sir. 366 00:12:50,979 --> 00:12:54,024 - That is so weird. That's weird! - (RT clears throat) 367 00:12:54,024 --> 00:12:55,650 FLEETUS: Oh, you think that's weird, huh? 368 00:12:55,650 --> 00:12:57,402 (chatter, music stops) 369 00:12:57,402 --> 00:12:58,820 ♪ 370 00:12:58,820 --> 00:13:00,280 You think that's weird? 371 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,574 WOMAN: Hoo, hoo, hoo! Yeah! 372 00:13:02,574 --> 00:13:04,409 (dramatic banjo) 373 00:13:04,409 --> 00:13:06,411 Hoo... wee! 374 00:13:06,411 --> 00:13:07,996 Mm, mm, mmm. 375 00:13:09,247 --> 00:13:11,124 I think you're weird. 376 00:13:13,501 --> 00:13:15,295 Who are you boys? (spits) 377 00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:17,088 I am Byron De La Étouffée, 378 00:13:17,088 --> 00:13:19,090 - and this is my s-- - Friend! 379 00:13:19,090 --> 00:13:20,342 Uh, we stopped in here 380 00:13:20,342 --> 00:13:21,926 to wet our whistles and talk about 381 00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:24,262 - how much we love... cotton. - Yes. 382 00:13:24,262 --> 00:13:25,889 We love it. 383 00:13:25,889 --> 00:13:29,434 The touch, the feel, it is truly the fabric of our lives. 384 00:13:29,434 --> 00:13:31,478 (tense music playing) 385 00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:33,813 Where are you boys from? 386 00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:36,983 Little town by yonder way called... 387 00:13:37,776 --> 00:13:39,277 Slaveburg. 388 00:13:40,362 --> 00:13:41,780 Slaveburg? 389 00:13:41,780 --> 00:13:43,573 I ain't never heard of no Slaveburg. 390 00:13:43,573 --> 00:13:45,450 (tense music playing) 391 00:13:45,450 --> 00:13:46,868 It's in Mississippi. 392 00:13:47,202 --> 00:13:49,454 - Oh! Okay, yeah. - WOMAN: Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah., 393 00:13:49,454 --> 00:13:51,664 - We been there, we been there. - That checks out. That checks out. 394 00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:53,333 Well, you two rebels, 395 00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:55,585 you must be very familiar with the game we play around here. 396 00:13:55,585 --> 00:13:58,922 - A game that, uh, well... (laughing) - (puts down spitoon) 397 00:13:58,922 --> 00:14:01,091 It always ends up with somebody getting 398 00:14:01,091 --> 00:14:03,093 carried out those doors. 399 00:14:03,093 --> 00:14:04,344 (whip crack) 400 00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:06,596 - Never Have I Ever. - (hawk screech) 401 00:14:06,596 --> 00:14:08,890 (saloon cheering) 402 00:14:08,890 --> 00:14:11,226 (upbeat piano music) 403 00:14:11,226 --> 00:14:12,435 (man laughing) 404 00:14:12,435 --> 00:14:14,229 Oh hello, daddy. 405 00:14:14,229 --> 00:14:15,313 - Hey! - Ow! 406 00:14:15,313 --> 00:14:16,564 First rule! 407 00:14:16,564 --> 00:14:18,858 No drinking till we start. 408 00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:20,402 (giggling) 409 00:14:20,402 --> 00:14:22,987 (groan) Okay. (spit) 410 00:14:22,987 --> 00:14:24,447 Second rule! 411 00:14:24,447 --> 00:14:26,199 You only drink if you've done the thing 412 00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:28,410 that the person whose turn it is said they've never done. 413 00:14:28,410 --> 00:14:29,661 GLEN: That's right. 414 00:14:29,661 --> 00:14:32,622 So, the man whose turn it is takes a drink. 415 00:14:32,622 --> 00:14:34,708 Well then, I will go first, and I wanna say-- 416 00:14:34,708 --> 00:14:35,875 - Ow! - No, no, Glenn! 417 00:14:36,251 --> 00:14:37,377 Glenn, Glenn, Glenn! 418 00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:38,837 They only drink if no one's done the thing 419 00:14:38,837 --> 00:14:40,338 they said they'd never did. 420 00:14:40,338 --> 00:14:42,257 I thought if a person said they've never did the thing, 421 00:14:42,257 --> 00:14:44,050 they were lying, and therefore must drink. 422 00:14:44,050 --> 00:14:45,760 I actually think Glenn is correct-- 423 00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:47,387 No, shut the fuck up, De La Étouffée! 424 00:14:47,387 --> 00:14:48,763 How many times we gon' go through this? 425 00:14:48,763 --> 00:14:50,849 Well, maybe you're bad at explaining it. 426 00:14:50,849 --> 00:14:52,559 Oh, let me get this straight, mister. 427 00:14:52,559 --> 00:14:54,436 You're trying to say I don't know the rules of 428 00:14:54,436 --> 00:14:57,105 - Never Have I Ever? - Maybe I am. What of it? 429 00:14:57,105 --> 00:14:58,648 This the same reason why you're not 430 00:14:58,648 --> 00:15:00,108 on my charades team. 431 00:15:00,108 --> 00:15:02,068 GLENN: Maybe no understands how to play the game 432 00:15:02,068 --> 00:15:04,487 'cause I can't understand what fuck you're saying! 433 00:15:04,487 --> 00:15:06,698 - (incoherent angry mumbling) - GRANT: Alright, enough of this shit. 434 00:15:06,698 --> 00:15:08,950 How about this? Whiskey for everybody! 435 00:15:08,950 --> 00:15:11,619 - (everyone cheering) - (old timey music returns) 436 00:15:11,619 --> 00:15:13,371 Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 437 00:15:13,371 --> 00:15:15,081 What in blue blazes 438 00:15:15,081 --> 00:15:17,709 - you doin' with a dirty Union greenback? - (popping) 439 00:15:18,335 --> 00:15:20,628 Uh... (awkward laugh) 440 00:15:20,628 --> 00:15:23,506 Well, I am a proud rebel 441 00:15:23,506 --> 00:15:26,051 who killed a Union soldier 442 00:15:26,051 --> 00:15:28,595 - and took his money. - (crowd gasps) 443 00:15:29,220 --> 00:15:30,472 Then, why's your face on it? 444 00:15:30,472 --> 00:15:32,057 (crowd gasps) 445 00:15:32,974 --> 00:15:34,100 That could be anybody. 446 00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:36,186 All White men with beards lookalike, huh? 447 00:15:36,186 --> 00:15:37,354 What are you, racist? 448 00:15:38,063 --> 00:15:41,441 Yeah. That's pretty much our whole deal. 449 00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:43,401 We hate everything. 450 00:15:43,401 --> 00:15:46,363 People who turn classic movies into TV shows. 451 00:15:46,363 --> 00:15:48,031 Boat owners. 452 00:15:48,031 --> 00:15:49,783 - Sound effects. - GLENN: Redheads. 453 00:15:49,783 --> 00:15:52,452 - Deadheads! - For-profit universities. 454 00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:54,287 Novelty license plates. 455 00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:56,498 Picking people up from the airport! 456 00:15:56,498 --> 00:15:57,749 But most of all... 457 00:15:57,749 --> 00:16:00,335 - (guns cocking) - Oh shit. 458 00:16:00,335 --> 00:16:02,045 - ...Yankees. - (menacing Ozark harp) 459 00:16:02,045 --> 00:16:03,588 (Boston accent): Fuck Jeter! 460 00:16:03,588 --> 00:16:04,756 And you know what? 461 00:16:04,756 --> 00:16:07,550 Fuck Tom Brady and his fuckin' Tampa Bay, 462 00:16:07,550 --> 00:16:09,636 fuckin' wherever he is now. 463 00:16:10,053 --> 00:16:11,429 Get that fuckin' thing outta here! What are you-- 464 00:16:11,429 --> 00:16:12,889 (no accent): Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey... 465 00:16:12,889 --> 00:16:14,015 We gotta finish the scene, dude. 466 00:16:14,015 --> 00:16:15,058 Oh, you wanna finish the sc-- 467 00:16:15,058 --> 00:16:16,768 Oh, I'm sorry, Your Highness. 468 00:16:16,935 --> 00:16:18,770 - Just don't engage. Don't engage. - RED SOX FAN: Hollyweird! 469 00:16:18,770 --> 00:16:20,355 Why don't you get LeBron to finish it? 470 00:16:20,355 --> 00:16:21,898 Oh! He's injured! 471 00:16:21,898 --> 00:16:23,942 - Yankees. - RED SOX FAN: Get a real basketball player 472 00:16:23,942 --> 00:16:25,694 - like Larry fuckin' Bird. - (guns cocking) 473 00:16:30,407 --> 00:16:32,826 MEL: The Mongolian Empire. 474 00:16:32,826 --> 00:16:35,787 {\an8}- (mystical music playing) - (birds chirping) 475 00:16:35,787 --> 00:16:39,374 {\an8}In 1270, Marco Polo of Venice 476 00:16:39,374 --> 00:16:41,584 - travels the Silk Road... - Marco Polo! 477 00:16:41,584 --> 00:16:44,504 MEL: ...to meet the most feared emperor in the world, 478 00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:46,923 - (doors shut) - the great Kublai Khan. 479 00:16:46,923 --> 00:16:48,633 MINISTER: Get down. 480 00:16:48,633 --> 00:16:49,843 Go! 481 00:16:49,843 --> 00:16:51,845 On my knee... (laughs) Good. Let's do this. 482 00:16:51,845 --> 00:16:53,722 MEL: If it goes well, 483 00:16:53,722 --> 00:16:56,349 trade between the East and the West will finally open. 484 00:16:56,349 --> 00:16:58,309 (grunting, nervous laugh) 485 00:16:58,309 --> 00:17:01,563 And if not, Polo could be "no-mo." 486 00:17:01,563 --> 00:17:03,064 You may rise. 487 00:17:03,064 --> 00:17:05,275 Oh, thank heavens. This was a little bit humiliating. 488 00:17:05,275 --> 00:17:06,484 (laughs) 489 00:17:07,152 --> 00:17:09,112 What an honor to be here. Thank you. 490 00:17:09,112 --> 00:17:12,198 I bring you gifts as a gesture of our friendship. 491 00:17:12,741 --> 00:17:13,658 Swag! 492 00:17:13,658 --> 00:17:15,243 (drum beats) 493 00:17:15,243 --> 00:17:16,995 We call this shit silk. 494 00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:19,539 (excited laughter) This is nice! 495 00:17:19,539 --> 00:17:21,082 (laughing) What do you call what I'm feeling? 496 00:17:21,082 --> 00:17:22,500 What's the word for this? 497 00:17:22,500 --> 00:17:24,669 - Silky. - MARCO POLO: Oh, yes! 498 00:17:24,669 --> 00:17:26,838 You know what? If you put that right here, 499 00:17:26,838 --> 00:17:28,089 on, like, a nice suit? 500 00:17:28,089 --> 00:17:29,758 You'd never wait for a table again in your life. 501 00:17:29,758 --> 00:17:32,177 Alright, Kublai's turn! (panting) 502 00:17:32,969 --> 00:17:35,055 Okay, so what do you have for me? 503 00:17:36,514 --> 00:17:39,392 Okay. So keep in mind, I've been on the road for four and a half years, 504 00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:40,310 so there's a little bit 505 00:17:40,310 --> 00:17:41,770 of wear and tear, right? 506 00:17:41,770 --> 00:17:44,230 Okay, I got something great, you're gonna freak out. 507 00:17:44,731 --> 00:17:45,940 Put your hand out. 508 00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:50,028 I call this "shaky red." Shaky red, sir. 509 00:17:50,028 --> 00:17:51,780 What is shaky red? 510 00:17:51,780 --> 00:17:53,948 Hot peppers... that have been crushed. 511 00:17:53,948 --> 00:17:55,075 I'd be a little careful. 512 00:17:55,075 --> 00:17:57,243 There's a little bit of sand in there. The... 513 00:17:57,243 --> 00:17:59,537 The bottle broke in the desert. What do you honestly think? 514 00:17:59,537 --> 00:18:01,581 This is more of a pitch stage of the-- 515 00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:03,249 (shaky red scattering) 516 00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:04,501 Okay, well do you have anything else? 517 00:18:04,501 --> 00:18:05,794 To be frank, that was kinda shitty. 518 00:18:05,794 --> 00:18:07,629 For you? Yes. I have a goat 519 00:18:07,629 --> 00:18:10,048 that was blessed by the Pope himself! 520 00:18:10,048 --> 00:18:12,133 - Oh, what? The Pope? - (laugh) Yeah! 521 00:18:12,133 --> 00:18:13,677 - (laughing) - Oh man, I heard all about that guy. 522 00:18:13,677 --> 00:18:14,594 The Pope Goat. 523 00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:16,429 Would love to meet this goat, where is it? 524 00:18:18,056 --> 00:18:19,557 MARCO: Shit. 525 00:18:19,557 --> 00:18:21,351 It's right here! 526 00:18:21,351 --> 00:18:23,812 We had to eat the actual goat a year and a half ago 527 00:18:23,812 --> 00:18:25,897 because we were starving to death, 528 00:18:25,897 --> 00:18:27,482 - of course. - (sighs) 529 00:18:27,941 --> 00:18:29,984 - That's still blessed by... - So, 530 00:18:29,984 --> 00:18:32,779 they tell me you have, like, these scrolls of knowledge? 531 00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:34,948 I had to burn them, obviously, to cook the goat, 532 00:18:34,948 --> 00:18:36,324 so it was a catch-22. 533 00:18:36,324 --> 00:18:39,035 So, are you saying you brought nothing 534 00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:41,621 - for the Great Khan? - You know what I do have for you? 535 00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:44,040 - It's a game. - What is this game? 536 00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:48,336 It's Marco Polo. 537 00:18:48,336 --> 00:18:50,380 And the way that you play is somebody closes their eyes, 538 00:18:50,380 --> 00:18:52,173 and th-they're looking for the other guy, 539 00:18:52,173 --> 00:18:55,135 and th-they're running around, they say "Marco!" 540 00:18:55,135 --> 00:18:57,220 And the other guy says "Polo!" 541 00:18:57,220 --> 00:18:59,973 It's a load of fun! It's better in a pool. 542 00:18:59,973 --> 00:19:01,099 You know what? Fuck this! 543 00:19:01,099 --> 00:19:03,476 All you brought me was some spicy sand 544 00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:05,520 and a dumbass game that you just made up? 545 00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:08,273 Please. It has been a crazy journey. 546 00:19:08,273 --> 00:19:10,066 There've been a lot of bumps on the road. 547 00:19:10,066 --> 00:19:11,901 Listen, Koobs, Koobs, hear me out. 548 00:19:11,901 --> 00:19:13,403 - Take him! - Koobs, Koobs! 549 00:19:13,403 --> 00:19:14,529 - Stop calling me Koobs! - No, no, no. 550 00:19:14,904 --> 00:19:16,614 Please don't do this. No! Whoa, whoa, whoa, please! 551 00:19:16,614 --> 00:19:18,116 Burn this motherfucker alive! 552 00:19:18,408 --> 00:19:19,951 No, no, please don't burn me alive! Don't burn me alive! 553 00:19:19,951 --> 00:19:22,328 - I wanna hear his guts popping! - POLO: I'll do anything! No, no, no! 554 00:19:22,328 --> 00:19:23,788 I'll suck my own dick! 555 00:19:23,788 --> 00:19:25,957 - (slice) - I'll suck my own dick! 556 00:19:25,957 --> 00:19:27,584 (gasp) Please. 557 00:19:28,168 --> 00:19:30,920 (gasp) (panting) 558 00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:33,423 (laughing) 559 00:19:33,423 --> 00:19:34,632 We pranked you! 560 00:19:34,632 --> 00:19:36,343 You got Khan'd, bro! 561 00:19:36,343 --> 00:19:39,929 ("Punk'd"-style music) 562 00:19:39,929 --> 00:19:42,098 - What do you mean it's a prank? (laugh) - KAHN: It's a prank! 563 00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:43,850 We've been trying to think for the last four years 564 00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:46,478 - of some way to get you, and we got you! - (nervous laughing) 565 00:19:46,478 --> 00:19:48,897 Check it out, check it out. We got hidden charcoal artists everywhere. 566 00:19:48,897 --> 00:19:50,273 Look, we got one over here. 567 00:19:50,273 --> 00:19:51,983 - Ah? - Wonderful. 568 00:19:51,983 --> 00:19:53,943 And look, we got one over here! 569 00:19:53,943 --> 00:19:55,653 He's got your depiction here, too! 570 00:19:55,653 --> 00:19:57,947 I was genuinely terrified for my life. 571 00:19:57,947 --> 00:20:00,158 (music continues) 572 00:20:00,158 --> 00:20:01,534 I'll suck my own dick! 573 00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:02,619 (fades out) 574 00:20:03,453 --> 00:20:04,746 (funk music playing) 575 00:20:04,746 --> 00:20:06,831 MEL: Shirley Chisholm. 576 00:20:08,625 --> 00:20:10,627 ANNOUNCER: Previously on Shirley. 577 00:20:10,627 --> 00:20:11,711 (dialing) 578 00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:13,296 Oh hello, Mr. President. 579 00:20:13,296 --> 00:20:15,215 - (audience laughter) - Guess who's coming to dinner? 580 00:20:15,215 --> 00:20:16,257 Mr. Nixon, 581 00:20:16,257 --> 00:20:17,759 what an immaculate honor 582 00:20:17,759 --> 00:20:19,344 to have you into my home. 583 00:20:19,344 --> 00:20:22,847 I invited my most charismatic and only friend, 584 00:20:22,847 --> 00:20:24,516 Secretary of State Henry Kissinger. 585 00:20:24,516 --> 00:20:26,559 - (audience booing) - I brought a bundt cake. 586 00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:29,854 ♪ Ooo, ooo, Shirley! ♪ 587 00:20:29,854 --> 00:20:32,440 (audience applauding, cheering) 588 00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:35,193 - Mother, will you be joining us? - Uh, let's see. 589 00:20:35,193 --> 00:20:38,655 Have dinner with two warmongering hogs, 590 00:20:38,655 --> 00:20:42,033 - (scattered laughter) - or drink my martini by myself? 591 00:20:42,033 --> 00:20:44,119 (audience laughing harder) 592 00:20:44,119 --> 00:20:45,787 That woman is enchanting. 593 00:20:45,787 --> 00:20:47,497 (audience cheering) 594 00:20:47,497 --> 00:20:50,208 The reason I asked you here, Mr. President, 595 00:20:50,208 --> 00:20:53,628 is because I feel like I'm not getting anything done in Congress. 596 00:20:53,628 --> 00:20:56,047 Why yes, Shirley. You see (clears throat), 597 00:20:56,047 --> 00:20:57,882 Congress has no power. 598 00:20:57,882 --> 00:20:59,676 The only person who can get anything done 599 00:20:59,676 --> 00:21:01,761 is the President of the United States. 600 00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:04,055 The Commander-in-Chief. 601 00:21:04,055 --> 00:21:06,016 The King of the Free World. 602 00:21:06,016 --> 00:21:08,685 The Imperator of the Galaxy. 603 00:21:08,685 --> 00:21:11,396 Easy, Dick, don't let the cat out of the bag. 604 00:21:11,396 --> 00:21:12,981 (audience laughing) 605 00:21:12,981 --> 00:21:15,316 So, you're saying that the only way I can get stuff done 606 00:21:15,316 --> 00:21:17,360 is if I'm president? 607 00:21:17,360 --> 00:21:20,113 That's right, Shirley. But, let's face it. 608 00:21:20,113 --> 00:21:21,406 That's not happening anytime soon. 609 00:21:21,406 --> 00:21:24,200 I mean, you're Black, Shirley, and a woman. 610 00:21:25,035 --> 00:21:28,163 Well, Mr. Nixon, you've inspired me. 611 00:21:28,163 --> 00:21:29,664 Well, great. 612 00:21:30,373 --> 00:21:32,208 To run for president! 613 00:21:32,208 --> 00:21:34,627 - (audience cheering) - (laughing) 614 00:21:34,627 --> 00:21:36,171 Well, Henry, it finally happened, 615 00:21:36,171 --> 00:21:37,380 I never thought it would. 616 00:21:37,380 --> 00:21:38,965 A lady made me laugh. 617 00:21:38,965 --> 00:21:41,926 - (scattered boos) - Unlike you, I am no joke. 618 00:21:41,926 --> 00:21:44,679 I am unbought and unbossed! 619 00:21:44,679 --> 00:21:46,765 - (audience cheering) - (Nixon scoffs) 620 00:21:46,765 --> 00:21:50,268 Miss Chisholm, we'll just see. Good day. 621 00:21:50,268 --> 00:21:52,937 Now, Henry, let's return to the White House. 622 00:21:52,937 --> 00:21:56,191 Your mother reminds me of a woman I met in Transylvania 623 00:21:56,191 --> 00:21:58,526 in 1403. Please give her my number. 624 00:21:58,526 --> 00:22:01,196 666-6666. 625 00:22:01,196 --> 00:22:03,782 - (audience laughing) - (door shuts) 626 00:22:03,782 --> 00:22:07,160 So, looks like I'm running for president. 627 00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:08,495 - (audience cheering) - Shirley, I wish 628 00:22:08,495 --> 00:22:10,038 you would've talked to me about this. 629 00:22:10,038 --> 00:22:11,289 That's a big decision. 630 00:22:11,289 --> 00:22:13,249 Conrad, it's a TV show. 631 00:22:13,249 --> 00:22:16,419 We have to move the story along at a faster pace than real life. 632 00:22:16,419 --> 00:22:18,004 - (laughter) - Hm. 633 00:22:18,004 --> 00:22:20,131 Like a workout montage? 634 00:22:20,674 --> 00:22:24,886 ♪ Ooo, ooo, Shirley! ♪ 635 00:22:29,140 --> 00:22:30,475 ♪ 636 00:22:30,475 --> 00:22:32,560 MEL: Jesus Christ! 637 00:22:34,813 --> 00:22:38,358 - Meanwhile, back in Jerusalem... - (insects chirping) 638 00:22:38,358 --> 00:22:42,028 ("Curb Your Enthusiasm" music) 639 00:22:42,028 --> 00:22:43,488 (restaurant chatter) 640 00:22:43,488 --> 00:22:44,781 Hey, barkeep? 641 00:22:44,781 --> 00:22:45,824 Two hot wines, please. 642 00:22:46,116 --> 00:22:47,325 BARKEEP: Coming right up, boss. 643 00:22:48,034 --> 00:22:51,079 - (Luke sighs) - So? What did we think about the show? 644 00:22:51,079 --> 00:22:53,373 Worst shit I have ever seen in my life. 645 00:22:53,373 --> 00:22:56,251 Right? Did you notice when he was in the "hospital scene," 646 00:22:56,251 --> 00:22:57,752 - he's in the bed? - Yeah. 647 00:22:57,752 --> 00:22:59,129 He fell asleep, right? 648 00:22:59,129 --> 00:23:01,256 Was that acting or was he really fuckin' sleeping? 649 00:23:01,256 --> 00:23:02,924 I don't know, but it's contagious 650 00:23:02,924 --> 00:23:04,259 - 'cause then I fall asleep. - Oh. 651 00:23:04,259 --> 00:23:05,927 You gotta have intermission. People gotta get up 652 00:23:05,927 --> 00:23:07,762 and stretch their legs a-and go out 653 00:23:07,762 --> 00:23:09,180 and stand in front of the fuckin' theater 654 00:23:09,180 --> 00:23:10,932 a-and smoke a hookah or some shit like that. 655 00:23:10,932 --> 00:23:13,351 Peter thinks it's good. He thinks this show is good. 656 00:23:13,351 --> 00:23:16,521 He thinks he's gonna tape this for a Netfish special! 657 00:23:16,521 --> 00:23:18,898 If this was on Netfish, I would cancel my subscription. 658 00:23:18,898 --> 00:23:21,234 Fuck yeah. Hey, I just can't believe 659 00:23:21,234 --> 00:23:23,194 that you're gonna betray Jesus tonight. 660 00:23:23,194 --> 00:23:25,822 What? I'm not gonna betray Jesus. 661 00:23:25,822 --> 00:23:27,073 What are you talking about? 662 00:23:27,073 --> 00:23:28,658 Fuck am I talking about? You took the money! 663 00:23:28,658 --> 00:23:29,826 I had to take the money. 664 00:23:29,826 --> 00:23:32,078 Peter made us pay for this one-man show. 665 00:23:32,078 --> 00:23:34,039 We're his friends. We should be comped. 666 00:23:34,039 --> 00:23:38,251 And that is what the fuck you call a betrayal! 667 00:23:38,251 --> 00:23:39,711 - PETER: Betrayal!? - What? 668 00:23:39,711 --> 00:23:41,588 - Betrayal? Who are you gonna betray? - (shushing) 669 00:23:41,588 --> 00:23:43,506 No, what are you guys talking about? 670 00:23:43,506 --> 00:23:45,592 - Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. - Who's getting betrayed? 671 00:23:45,592 --> 00:23:47,677 No, no, no, there's no betrayal happening. 672 00:23:47,677 --> 00:23:49,512 - It's fine. - Okay. So, what'd you think of the play? 673 00:23:49,512 --> 00:23:51,556 LUKE: You were up there trying really hard. 674 00:23:51,556 --> 00:23:52,974 And the details about your family. 675 00:23:52,974 --> 00:23:55,018 H-how your dad was a-- was a Galilean, 676 00:23:55,018 --> 00:23:56,519 a-and your mom was a Moabite? 677 00:23:56,519 --> 00:23:58,688 A-and the fact that you had therapy? 678 00:23:58,688 --> 00:24:00,023 - Fucked me up. - Thank you, man. 679 00:24:00,023 --> 00:24:02,025 - You see me. You see me. - I saw you. 680 00:24:02,025 --> 00:24:04,944 - What'd you think, Judas? - I think I didn't like to have 681 00:24:04,944 --> 00:24:07,197 to pay for tickets to my friend's one-man show. 682 00:24:07,197 --> 00:24:09,157 Well, I'm sorry I didn't get comps! 683 00:24:09,157 --> 00:24:10,617 What am I, a money lender? 684 00:24:10,617 --> 00:24:12,327 So, what'd you think of the show? 685 00:24:12,327 --> 00:24:14,704 Eh... Not for me. 686 00:24:14,704 --> 00:24:17,165 - Well, Jesus loved it. - JUDAS: Please. 687 00:24:17,582 --> 00:24:19,334 Jesus loves everything. The guy can't stop saying, 688 00:24:19,334 --> 00:24:21,711 "Oh, I love this." He's just looking for followers. 689 00:24:21,711 --> 00:24:24,130 (laugh) Look at Jesus over there. Look at him. 690 00:24:24,130 --> 00:24:25,924 Absolutely woofing down 691 00:24:25,924 --> 00:24:27,300 that bacon cheeseburger. 692 00:24:27,300 --> 00:24:28,635 PETER: Oh, it looks so good. 693 00:24:28,635 --> 00:24:29,844 JUDAS: Bacon cheeseburger? 694 00:24:29,844 --> 00:24:31,554 Hold on, that's not kosher. 695 00:24:31,554 --> 00:24:33,807 Wait, none of the food here is kosher. 696 00:24:33,807 --> 00:24:35,725 PETER: Oh please, let him sin. 697 00:24:35,725 --> 00:24:38,520 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold the fuckin' phones. 698 00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:40,480 Wait a minute, I just ate a bacon-wrapped scallop 699 00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:41,564 and baby back ribs. 700 00:24:41,564 --> 00:24:42,774 You mean to tell me none 701 00:24:42,774 --> 00:24:44,150 of this shit is kosher? 702 00:24:44,150 --> 00:24:46,152 You know what, I'm fuckin' livid! 703 00:24:46,152 --> 00:24:49,072 As a Jew, I'm livid! 704 00:24:49,072 --> 00:24:50,615 You know what? I'm gonna plotz! 705 00:24:50,615 --> 00:24:52,325 I can understand why you're pissed 706 00:24:52,325 --> 00:24:54,452 because something is going on with this Jesus guy. 707 00:24:54,452 --> 00:24:57,038 He's trying to phase out his Judaism. 708 00:24:57,747 --> 00:24:59,207 - Really? - JUDAS: Yeah! 709 00:24:59,207 --> 00:25:00,709 LUKE: Yeah, that fool's up to somethin'. 710 00:25:00,709 --> 00:25:02,669 Yeah, I bet he's gonna grow back his foreskin, too. 711 00:25:02,669 --> 00:25:04,879 What? You can grow back your foreskin? 712 00:25:04,879 --> 00:25:06,715 Fuck yeah, you can do that. My cousin did that. 713 00:25:06,715 --> 00:25:08,425 He put a clothespin on the tip of that shit. 714 00:25:08,425 --> 00:25:09,843 Oh, that's impossible. 715 00:25:09,843 --> 00:25:11,761 No, you gotta tie a string onto the thing, 716 00:25:11,761 --> 00:25:13,888 and then-- and then, you got a weight down there, 717 00:25:13,888 --> 00:25:15,598 and the weight is gonna pull the string off, 718 00:25:15,598 --> 00:25:17,183 and you have to sleep standing up. 719 00:25:17,183 --> 00:25:19,102 - Uh huh. - Not for me, baby. Not for me. 720 00:25:19,102 --> 00:25:21,563 - Oh, really? Not for you? - Nope. 721 00:25:21,563 --> 00:25:22,939 LUKE: Lotta detail for an innocent man. 722 00:25:22,939 --> 00:25:24,315 JUDAS: Wait, he's going to the bathroom. 723 00:25:24,315 --> 00:25:25,358 Do I do a foreskin check? 724 00:25:25,734 --> 00:25:27,402 - Yeah. - Should I go and get cockfirmation? 725 00:25:27,402 --> 00:25:28,445 Oh yeah. 726 00:25:28,445 --> 00:25:30,030 Go in there and peep that pecker. 727 00:25:30,447 --> 00:25:31,906 And find out how he avoids 728 00:25:31,906 --> 00:25:33,658 - peeing on the weight. - Yeah. 729 00:25:33,658 --> 00:25:35,827 - Yeah, I mean I've heard that it happen-- - Oh, you've heard that? 730 00:25:35,827 --> 00:25:37,162 No, I've read it in some scrolls! 731 00:25:37,162 --> 00:25:38,913 JUDAS: Oh, you've read it in some scrolls? - Yes. 732 00:25:38,913 --> 00:25:40,749 - Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. - (door opens) 733 00:25:41,332 --> 00:25:43,960 (sigh) There he is! JC! 734 00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:46,087 Judas, hey. Hey, I can swear to my dad, 735 00:25:46,087 --> 00:25:47,589 - I locked that door. - Oh, yeah? 736 00:25:47,589 --> 00:25:49,841 So, what'd you think of Peter's one-man show? 737 00:25:49,841 --> 00:25:51,301 - (urinating) - Yeah, I liked it, yeah. 738 00:25:51,301 --> 00:25:53,136 I mean, what's not to like? I got free tickets, right? 739 00:25:53,136 --> 00:25:55,180 - Free ticket? Free. - Yeah. 740 00:25:55,180 --> 00:25:56,890 Comped. 741 00:25:56,890 --> 00:25:58,308 (over-enunciated): Comped. 742 00:25:58,308 --> 00:25:59,684 What does "comped" stand for? 743 00:25:59,684 --> 00:26:01,311 - Complimentary. - Complimentary! 744 00:26:01,978 --> 00:26:03,772 I wish I could be more complimentary 745 00:26:03,772 --> 00:26:04,731 of Peter's one-man show. 746 00:26:04,731 --> 00:26:06,107 - (laugh) - Judas. 747 00:26:06,107 --> 00:26:07,650 Judge not, lest you be judged. 748 00:26:09,027 --> 00:26:10,612 Not bad. You just come up with that? 749 00:26:10,612 --> 00:26:12,072 Eh... Thanks. 750 00:26:13,365 --> 00:26:16,034 (casual pensive music) 751 00:26:16,034 --> 00:26:19,412 - (urinating) - (sigh) 752 00:26:19,412 --> 00:26:20,997 Whoa! Hey! Hot piss! 753 00:26:20,997 --> 00:26:22,207 Judas, you're pissing on my feet! 754 00:26:22,207 --> 00:26:24,918 - What? No! What? No! - Yes! Yes! 755 00:26:24,918 --> 00:26:27,087 - I was just checking! - Checking what? 756 00:26:27,087 --> 00:26:28,588 Just to get cockfirmation! 757 00:26:28,588 --> 00:26:30,799 Judas, you pissed on my feet! 758 00:26:30,799 --> 00:26:32,801 I gotta go back to the party. 759 00:26:32,801 --> 00:26:34,386 No, you don't-- What-- You-- 760 00:26:34,386 --> 00:26:35,553 - Judas. - Ah, ah, ah! 761 00:26:35,553 --> 00:26:37,931 - I know you hear me. - (inhale, blowing) 762 00:26:38,223 --> 00:26:39,933 JESUS: Oh, you just gonna let the blower-- He's gonna blow 763 00:26:40,058 --> 00:26:41,851 your hands for 30 seconds. You just not gonna look at me? 764 00:26:41,976 --> 00:26:43,436 I know you hear me! I am in your head! 765 00:26:43,436 --> 00:26:46,022 Sorry, I only have big pieces of silver. Ah. 766 00:26:46,022 --> 00:26:47,482 - JESUS: Judas! - PETER: Okay, so, 767 00:26:47,482 --> 00:26:49,192 what did you think of my accents? 768 00:26:49,192 --> 00:26:50,235 You didn't take me anywhere. 769 00:26:50,235 --> 00:26:51,444 You gotta take someone somewhere-- 770 00:26:51,444 --> 00:26:53,029 Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go, gotta go... 771 00:26:53,029 --> 00:26:54,698 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Fuck you mean "we gotta go?" 772 00:26:54,698 --> 00:26:56,825 Judas! What the fuck? 773 00:26:56,825 --> 00:26:58,201 (dramatic music playing) 774 00:26:58,201 --> 00:27:01,287 - You peed on my son's feet? - (crowd gasps) 775 00:27:01,287 --> 00:27:03,289 Mother Mary, may I explain? 776 00:27:03,623 --> 00:27:04,582 No, you may not! 777 00:27:04,582 --> 00:27:06,543 I did not not have sex 778 00:27:06,543 --> 00:27:09,129 and give birth in a dirty-ass manger 779 00:27:09,129 --> 00:27:12,924 for you to urinate on the Son of God! 780 00:27:12,924 --> 00:27:15,010 Thinks her son's God? The mother's definitely Jewish. 781 00:27:15,010 --> 00:27:17,220 (forced laugh) Okay! 782 00:27:17,220 --> 00:27:19,973 I want you to get on your knees 783 00:27:19,973 --> 00:27:21,516 and wash his feet. 784 00:27:21,516 --> 00:27:24,185 - Ooh. - I don't know. 785 00:27:24,185 --> 00:27:26,688 (laugh) You raggedy bitch. 786 00:27:26,688 --> 00:27:29,232 You want me to wash the pee-pee off of his feet? 787 00:27:29,232 --> 00:27:30,817 - Yes. - That's what you would like? 788 00:27:30,817 --> 00:27:32,777 I just wanna confirm, so we're on the same page here. 789 00:27:32,777 --> 00:27:35,238 - Yes! - Luke, what do you think? 790 00:27:35,238 --> 00:27:37,615 If someone pissed on my fuckin' sandals, 791 00:27:37,615 --> 00:27:38,908 they wipin' that shit off. 792 00:27:38,908 --> 00:27:40,452 JUDAS: Okay, well, that's a betrayal. 793 00:27:40,452 --> 00:27:43,079 I mean, the guy lays hands on lepers, 794 00:27:43,079 --> 00:27:45,373 and you're worried about a little pee-pee on his feet? 795 00:27:45,373 --> 00:27:48,084 You're really... You're gonna make me do this? 796 00:27:48,084 --> 00:27:49,919 - MAN: Do it already! - Uh-- 797 00:27:49,919 --> 00:27:51,463 MAN: Enough with the talking! 798 00:27:51,463 --> 00:27:54,591 (quiet music playing) 799 00:27:55,008 --> 00:27:56,426 It's just feet, they're gross. 800 00:27:56,426 --> 00:27:58,094 Do you guys like-- Anybody here like feet? 801 00:27:58,094 --> 00:28:01,056 Whatever the opposite of a foot fetish is what I have! 802 00:28:01,056 --> 00:28:02,390 Hey, Jesus... 803 00:28:02,390 --> 00:28:04,017 - I've sinned. - JESUS: Mm-hmm. 804 00:28:04,017 --> 00:28:05,518 - I'm a sinner. - JESUS: Mm-hmm. 805 00:28:05,518 --> 00:28:07,020 I'm repenting. 806 00:28:07,020 --> 00:28:09,481 I don't wanna wash your feet. 807 00:28:09,481 --> 00:28:11,524 - (gentle cry) - Rise, my son. 808 00:28:11,524 --> 00:28:12,817 - What? - I forgive you. 809 00:28:12,817 --> 00:28:15,695 - MARY: Uh-uh! - It's okay, Mama. It's okay. 810 00:28:15,695 --> 00:28:17,322 Take back your dirty fuckin' rag. 811 00:28:17,322 --> 00:28:19,866 This is my guy! 812 00:28:19,866 --> 00:28:21,451 Jesus! 813 00:28:21,451 --> 00:28:24,871 This guy, he's not even a guy! This guy's a God! Come here! 814 00:28:24,871 --> 00:28:27,957 - (loud kiss, laugh) - ROMAN: The kiss is a signal! 815 00:28:27,957 --> 00:28:30,001 - That's Jesus! Get him! - JUDAS: What? 816 00:28:30,001 --> 00:28:31,044 JESUS: Wait, what? No! 817 00:28:31,044 --> 00:28:32,045 - You betrayed me? - What? 818 00:28:32,045 --> 00:28:33,296 - Mom! Mom! - No! 819 00:28:33,296 --> 00:28:34,923 - Oh! - Tell my story! 820 00:28:34,923 --> 00:28:38,093 Oh, it was Jesus you were gonna betray! 821 00:28:38,093 --> 00:28:40,053 - (crowd booing) - No, this wasn't a betrayal kiss! 822 00:28:40,053 --> 00:28:43,139 No! This was a thank you kiss, not a betrayal kiss! 823 00:28:43,139 --> 00:28:44,432 Luke! Luke! 824 00:28:44,557 --> 00:28:47,602 - You're in trouble! - No! look at all these feet! 825 00:28:47,602 --> 00:28:51,022 Judas Iscariot, forever unclean! 826 00:28:51,022 --> 00:28:52,649 - This is too much! - (crowd yelling) 827 00:28:53,566 --> 00:28:56,569 ("Curb Your Enthusiasm" theme continues playing) 828 00:29:59,632 --> 00:30:02,635 Captioned by Point.360