1 00:00:02,127 --> 00:00:06,840 - (dramatic music) - MEL: Mesoamerica. 2 00:00:12,095 --> 00:00:15,598 (grunting) Look, guys, listen, listen, listen. 3 00:00:15,765 --> 00:00:18,143 I know the Sun God is waging an eternal battle against darkness 4 00:00:18,143 --> 00:00:19,936 and in order for the Sun to come up every day, 5 00:00:19,936 --> 00:00:21,312 we have to sacrifice a virgin. 6 00:00:21,312 --> 00:00:23,273 {\an8}I get it, we've all been there. 7 00:00:23,273 --> 00:00:26,401 {\an8}But I'm not a virgin. 8 00:00:28,111 --> 00:00:30,030 - (men laugh) - Why are you laughing? 9 00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:31,072 I'm being serious! 10 00:00:31,072 --> 00:00:33,033 I've had so much sex. 11 00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:35,035 This is actually the first time I haven't had sex all day. 12 00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:37,245 I'm usually having sex all the time. 13 00:00:37,245 --> 00:00:39,247 I'm one of the most disgusting people you'll ever meet. 14 00:00:39,247 --> 00:00:43,376 I pork, I smash, I crush, 15 00:00:43,376 --> 00:00:48,298 I slurp, I pancake, I waffle, I brunch. 16 00:00:48,298 --> 00:00:49,841 (scoffs) Wow. 17 00:00:49,841 --> 00:00:51,426 You know, if I'm a virgin, 18 00:00:51,426 --> 00:00:53,345 then why do I know so much about butts? 19 00:00:53,345 --> 00:00:55,347 I'm honestly looking out for you guys 20 00:00:55,513 --> 00:00:57,599 'cause if you sacrifice the wrong person, 21 00:00:57,599 --> 00:00:59,100 guess who's ass is on the line? 22 00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:00,935 (men scoff) 23 00:01:01,353 --> 00:01:03,104 You know what, fine, if you guys don't believe me, 24 00:01:03,605 --> 00:01:05,857 sacrifice me, see what happens. 25 00:01:07,150 --> 00:01:12,280 - (men screaming) - (dramatic music) 26 00:01:13,656 --> 00:01:15,909 (gasping) Did you guys see that? 27 00:01:15,909 --> 00:01:17,410 - (men whimpering) - WOMAN: Holy shit! 28 00:01:17,786 --> 00:01:19,913 The Gods know, the Gods know I fuck. 29 00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:22,540 (theme music plays) 30 00:01:25,835 --> 00:01:27,837 MEL: History of the world, Part Two. 31 00:01:35,887 --> 00:01:36,888 (Russian music plays) 32 00:01:37,055 --> 00:01:39,808 Previously on The Russian Revolution. 33 00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:41,893 What are we gonna do about Lenin? 34 00:01:42,018 --> 00:01:43,770 I serve sandwiches to Vladimir Lenin, 35 00:01:43,895 --> 00:01:45,522 and all of his comrades every day, 36 00:01:45,689 --> 00:01:47,440 where they remain completely unguarded. 37 00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:49,984 Bagel and schmear for Vladimir! 38 00:01:49,984 --> 00:01:51,736 I think we have our in. 39 00:01:51,861 --> 00:01:53,488 (Russian music ends) 40 00:01:55,031 --> 00:01:56,241 {\an8}(Russian music plays) 41 00:01:56,241 --> 00:01:58,827 STALINL: Uh, Comrade Lenin, sorry to bug, 42 00:01:58,827 --> 00:02:01,204 can I get a backstage pass for one of your speeches 43 00:02:01,204 --> 00:02:02,956 for my good friend, Commissioner? 44 00:02:02,956 --> 00:02:04,374 He lives in Georgia and if-- 45 00:02:04,541 --> 00:02:07,502 - Shh. - Okay, I'm sorry. (sighing) 46 00:02:07,502 --> 00:02:09,421 Okay, who's next now? 47 00:02:09,546 --> 00:02:12,632 Oh, Comrade Trotsky, you had presentation. 48 00:02:12,632 --> 00:02:14,092 Yes, thank you, Comrade Lenin. 49 00:02:14,092 --> 00:02:16,928 So I have built the Red Army as we know, 50 00:02:16,928 --> 00:02:19,973 and I thought it could be kind of interesting 51 00:02:19,973 --> 00:02:22,350 if our soldiers march like this. 52 00:02:22,350 --> 00:02:25,603 - Music. - (dramatic music) 53 00:02:26,479 --> 00:02:27,564 That's the wrong song, hold on. 54 00:02:27,564 --> 00:02:28,732 Play track two. 55 00:02:28,732 --> 00:02:30,525 (over speaker) Trotsky movie idea, 56 00:02:30,525 --> 00:02:32,527 two close friends crash weddings 57 00:02:32,527 --> 00:02:34,070 - and make love to beautiful women. - That's-- 58 00:02:34,070 --> 00:02:36,823 That's a voice memo, please skip to the next one. 59 00:02:36,823 --> 00:02:38,116 - (groans) - (dance music plays) 60 00:02:38,116 --> 00:02:40,493 That's the one, that's the one, that's the one. 61 00:02:40,493 --> 00:02:42,537 Start to feel it. Are we feelin' it? 62 00:02:42,537 --> 00:02:44,831 Here it is, right here. And one, two, three. 63 00:02:45,790 --> 00:02:47,292 And a kick. 64 00:02:47,292 --> 00:02:48,668 And a kick. 65 00:02:48,668 --> 00:02:49,836 And a kick. 66 00:02:49,836 --> 00:02:51,296 Then we back it up, 67 00:02:51,296 --> 00:02:53,089 and then we back it up. 68 00:02:53,089 --> 00:02:55,759 And a hip twist, woo! 69 00:02:56,051 --> 00:02:58,345 Yes, I, uh-- 70 00:02:58,345 --> 00:03:00,972 What are we thinking? Are we liking? Is it-- 71 00:03:00,972 --> 00:03:03,391 - Well, I love the kick. - TROTSKY: Kick, kick, good. 72 00:03:03,391 --> 00:03:05,226 But the backing up, I don't like. 73 00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:09,481 But the backing up shows that we go both directions. 74 00:03:09,481 --> 00:03:11,399 - I don't know, it's weird. - It's like retreating. 75 00:03:11,524 --> 00:03:13,109 - TROTSKY: No, no, no. - I don't like it. 76 00:03:13,109 --> 00:03:14,652 If it was retreat, I would do a kick and then 77 00:03:14,652 --> 00:03:16,237 I fucking run away like that. 78 00:03:16,446 --> 00:03:17,739 It's not, it's letting them know we're here. 79 00:03:18,073 --> 00:03:20,450 We're here, we're not going anywhere. 80 00:03:20,450 --> 00:03:22,035 I also don't like that you're saying things 81 00:03:22,035 --> 00:03:22,994 as you're doing them. 82 00:03:23,161 --> 00:03:24,037 It's a little bougie. 83 00:03:24,162 --> 00:03:25,205 Very convenient now. 84 00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:26,539 His idea to back up. 85 00:03:26,539 --> 00:03:29,042 (laughs) I had nothing to do with this. 86 00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:30,210 Yeah, I don't like it. 87 00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:31,336 Yeah, it's bad. 88 00:03:31,628 --> 00:03:33,129 Why don't you go fuck yourself, motherfucker? 89 00:03:33,129 --> 00:03:34,923 - Huh? I'm sorry. - Say it again, say it to my face. 90 00:03:34,923 --> 00:03:36,132 - I'm right here now! - Nothing. 91 00:03:36,132 --> 00:03:37,050 (babbling) 92 00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:38,301 - I'm-- - (Trotsky babbles) 93 00:03:38,301 --> 00:03:40,303 - TROTSKY: I'm sorry. - I'm sorry. 94 00:03:40,887 --> 00:03:41,888 What the fuck? 95 00:03:41,888 --> 00:03:44,391 - (tense music) - I kill you someday. 96 00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:46,184 Enough! 97 00:03:46,685 --> 00:03:50,939 I think we are all a little hangry, hmm, yeah? 98 00:03:50,939 --> 00:03:52,649 Where is the Schmuck, huh? 99 00:03:52,649 --> 00:03:54,943 SCHMUCK: Uh-oh, my ears are itching. 100 00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:56,945 Did somebody say my name? 101 00:03:57,195 --> 00:04:00,198 Oh hello, boys, I brought you some lovely treats. 102 00:04:00,198 --> 00:04:01,950 Tell me you brought black and white cookies. 103 00:04:01,950 --> 00:04:03,159 Notski for Trotsky. 104 00:04:03,159 --> 00:04:05,203 Due to an icing error of my own making, 105 00:04:05,203 --> 00:04:06,621 I do not have black and white cookies, 106 00:04:06,621 --> 00:04:09,374 but only gray cookies today, gray cookies. 107 00:04:09,666 --> 00:04:12,877 But I do have a special treat for my dear Comrade Lenin. 108 00:04:13,044 --> 00:04:14,129 - (dramatic music) - (Stalin yelping) 109 00:04:14,129 --> 00:04:15,964 A bullet in your kishke! 110 00:04:16,172 --> 00:04:17,590 Fanny, what are you doing? 111 00:04:17,757 --> 00:04:20,218 I'm here to kill this man who's ruining the soul 112 00:04:20,218 --> 00:04:21,636 of the revolution! 113 00:04:21,636 --> 00:04:23,263 That wasn't me, that was Stalin. 114 00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:24,264 FANNY: Stalin? 115 00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:25,432 Yes, it was me. 116 00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:27,183 Fellas, I swear on Marx, 117 00:04:27,183 --> 00:04:29,102 I had no idea she was gonna do this! 118 00:04:29,227 --> 00:04:33,064 Fanny, as your husband, I demand, nay humbly ask 119 00:04:33,064 --> 00:04:35,275 that you don't shoot the leader of our country 120 00:04:35,692 --> 00:04:37,277 and also my best customer! 121 00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:40,864 And furthermore, you're standing in my coleslaw. 122 00:04:40,864 --> 00:04:43,116 Schmuck, you are such a coward. 123 00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:45,952 Move outta the way or I will shoot him right through you! 124 00:04:45,952 --> 00:04:47,162 - You wouldn't dare! - (gun cocking) 125 00:04:47,787 --> 00:04:48,997 - (gun bangs) - (group gasps) 126 00:04:48,997 --> 00:04:50,123 My kishke! 127 00:04:50,665 --> 00:04:51,791 Oh! 128 00:04:52,083 --> 00:04:53,710 - SCHMUCK: Okay, so she dared. - (gun bangs) 129 00:04:53,710 --> 00:04:55,378 - TROTSKY: Oh no! - SCHMUCK: She double dared! 130 00:04:55,378 --> 00:04:56,588 - I have to three. - (gun bangs) 131 00:04:56,588 --> 00:04:58,757 Triple threat. That's why I married her. 132 00:04:58,757 --> 00:05:00,342 The revolution has been saved 133 00:05:00,342 --> 00:05:02,052 - from demagoguery. - (Lenin groans) 134 00:05:02,052 --> 00:05:05,138 Nothing can go wrong in Russia now, let's go. 135 00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:06,514 - Okay. - Now we're going. 136 00:05:06,514 --> 00:05:07,849 Fellas, I'm so sorry, 137 00:05:07,849 --> 00:05:09,309 I didn't know she was gonna do this. 138 00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:12,270 Also, gratuity is not included, but encouraged. 139 00:05:12,270 --> 00:05:13,396 Thank you so much! 140 00:05:13,396 --> 00:05:14,814 Gonna leave that right there. 141 00:05:14,814 --> 00:05:15,857 Ooh, I got 'em good. 142 00:05:15,857 --> 00:05:17,484 Also, a five star on Putz Mates 143 00:05:17,484 --> 00:05:19,361 would be really helpful, thank you! 144 00:05:19,736 --> 00:05:23,448 Don't worry, I know CCCPR! 145 00:05:23,448 --> 00:05:24,949 I think I'm going to be fine. 146 00:05:24,949 --> 00:05:26,743 - No, no, no, no, no, CCCPR. - (Lenin groaning) 147 00:05:26,743 --> 00:05:29,621 Help! You are doing it wrong! 148 00:05:29,829 --> 00:05:31,623 Uh-oh, we're losing him! 149 00:05:31,623 --> 00:05:33,583 - (Lenin groaning) - I gotta do mouth to mouth! 150 00:05:33,583 --> 00:05:35,001 I'd rather die. 151 00:05:35,251 --> 00:05:36,336 (groaning inhale) 152 00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:38,296 LENIN: You're so noisy when you breathe. 153 00:05:38,296 --> 00:05:39,798 (Russian music plays) 154 00:05:43,968 --> 00:05:48,014 MEL: And now, The Story of Jesus and Mary Magdalene. 155 00:05:48,014 --> 00:05:49,099 (gentle music) 156 00:05:49,099 --> 00:05:50,809 All right sweetheart, 157 00:05:50,809 --> 00:05:53,144 let's grab up the decorations 158 00:05:53,144 --> 00:05:55,146 and get back downstairs. 159 00:05:55,146 --> 00:05:56,773 Are they in this box, grandma? 160 00:05:56,773 --> 00:06:00,068 Oh no, that's just some of my old stuff. 161 00:06:00,068 --> 00:06:01,444 You went to New York City? 162 00:06:01,736 --> 00:06:05,615 Oh yeah, I used to live above a coffee shop 163 00:06:05,782 --> 00:06:08,201 where Rachel, Ross, and a whole bunch 164 00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:11,746 of other White friends would drink coffee from soup bowls. 165 00:06:12,205 --> 00:06:13,415 What's this? 166 00:06:13,415 --> 00:06:15,667 (chuckles) That's something I used to write in 167 00:06:15,667 --> 00:06:17,419 a long time ago. 168 00:06:17,585 --> 00:06:18,670 Is it an old iPad? 169 00:06:19,921 --> 00:06:21,172 Are you serious? 170 00:06:21,172 --> 00:06:23,425 It's a notebook. 171 00:06:25,802 --> 00:06:27,429 You wanna hear how I got it? 172 00:06:28,304 --> 00:06:31,057 - Not really. - Too bad, too bad, sit down. 173 00:06:31,057 --> 00:06:32,058 You're gonna listen. 174 00:06:32,434 --> 00:06:34,894 So, it all started at a fair. 175 00:06:34,894 --> 00:06:35,812 (enchanting music) 176 00:06:35,812 --> 00:06:38,398 {\an8}Step right up, step right up, 177 00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:40,233 {\an8}and I will guess your age! 178 00:06:41,526 --> 00:06:42,944 {\an8}I'm gonna say you're 25. 179 00:06:43,194 --> 00:06:46,531 That's right, this was 25 back then (chuckles)! 180 00:06:46,531 --> 00:06:49,743 Eggs, eggs for sale! 181 00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:52,412 Hey, beat the heat with a nice room temperature egg. 182 00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:54,122 No, chill about the eggs. 183 00:06:54,122 --> 00:06:56,541 I just want matzah on a stick. 184 00:06:56,541 --> 00:06:58,960 Listen Mary, we came to the carnival to make money, 185 00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:01,171 - not to have fun. - Can't we just take one day off? 186 00:07:02,464 --> 00:07:04,632 The Magdalene sisters do not take days off, 187 00:07:04,632 --> 00:07:07,344 the Magdalene sisters sell eggs. 188 00:07:07,344 --> 00:07:13,308 Eggs, nice, white, oval, plain eggs for sale, solid stuff. 189 00:07:13,641 --> 00:07:15,310 I told you several times, 190 00:07:15,310 --> 00:07:17,896 nobody want them white-ass chicken eggs! 191 00:07:17,896 --> 00:07:21,524 You think that if I didn't have like a colorful batch of eggs 192 00:07:21,524 --> 00:07:23,485 that I wouldn't sell them, huh, Luke? 193 00:07:23,485 --> 00:07:25,445 You need some kind of magical creature 194 00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:27,822 that lays colorful eggs to catch people's attention. 195 00:07:27,822 --> 00:07:29,366 Listen to me, listen to me, I don't have time 196 00:07:29,366 --> 00:07:30,450 for your pitches today. 197 00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:32,577 Hey, you need my boy, Jesus. Jesus! 198 00:07:32,577 --> 00:07:35,497 (enchanting music) 199 00:07:37,082 --> 00:07:38,541 Excuse me, miss. 200 00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:40,919 You look like you need saving. 201 00:07:40,919 --> 00:07:43,588 I'm sorry, who are you? 202 00:07:43,755 --> 00:07:45,632 I'm Jesus of Nazareth. 203 00:07:45,632 --> 00:07:47,384 Some call me Jesus Christ, Son of God. 204 00:07:47,384 --> 00:07:48,968 - LUKE: Ooh! - Some call him broke and corny. 205 00:07:48,968 --> 00:07:51,638 - Hey, watch it now. - Oh yeah, I've heard of you before. 206 00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:53,098 You're a carpenter, right? 207 00:07:53,431 --> 00:07:55,767 I am, and I perform miracles. 208 00:07:55,892 --> 00:07:57,686 What, like finishing a project on time 209 00:07:57,686 --> 00:07:59,145 and being under budget? 210 00:07:59,270 --> 00:08:00,814 What? No. I mean the supply chain. 211 00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:02,315 - The cost of lumber, inflation. - MARY: Oh! 212 00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:04,109 - JESUS: Girl, what are you talking about? - Okay. Bye. 213 00:08:04,109 --> 00:08:06,569 JESUS: Yo. Wait, wait, wait. No, ay, ay, I mean perform real miracles. 214 00:08:06,569 --> 00:08:07,862 (Martha scoffs) 215 00:08:07,862 --> 00:08:09,656 - (buzzer blares) - (man gasps) 216 00:08:09,656 --> 00:08:13,952 If you can dunk me, I'll leave you alone. 217 00:08:16,996 --> 00:08:20,542 - Mary, Mary! - (dramatic music) 218 00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:22,210 - You ready? - JESUS: I'm ready. 219 00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:23,920 - Come on, dunk me. - MAN: Go, J.C.! 220 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:25,505 - (spitting) - MARTHA: Ew. 221 00:08:26,047 --> 00:08:28,758 (Mary grunting) 222 00:08:29,426 --> 00:08:30,677 (buzzer buzzing) 223 00:08:30,677 --> 00:08:33,013 - CROWD: Oh! - (enchanting music) 224 00:08:33,430 --> 00:08:35,473 I call this walking on water. 225 00:08:35,682 --> 00:08:36,975 Jesus Christ! 226 00:08:37,392 --> 00:08:39,060 - And you owe me a date. - Okay. 227 00:08:39,060 --> 00:08:40,353 (romantic music plays) 228 00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:42,272 GRANDMA: Jesus knew his time was short, 229 00:08:42,605 --> 00:08:44,941 so he put the moves on right away. 230 00:08:44,941 --> 00:08:46,276 I'm 25. 231 00:08:46,276 --> 00:08:47,444 GRANDDAUGHTER: Ugh, Grandma, 232 00:08:47,444 --> 00:08:48,611 this is getting romantic. 233 00:08:48,611 --> 00:08:50,405 GRANDMA: That's because it's a parody 234 00:08:50,405 --> 00:08:52,115 - of a romantic movie. - (Jesus and Mary spitting) 235 00:08:52,115 --> 00:08:54,284 Sorry it's not that zombie, vampire, 236 00:08:54,284 --> 00:08:55,785 whatever shit you watch. 237 00:08:56,077 --> 00:08:59,414 Camel or a notebook, hmm? 238 00:08:59,998 --> 00:09:01,958 - Notebook. - (chuckling exhale) 239 00:09:03,418 --> 00:09:06,379 I feel like you've been walking with me my whole life. 240 00:09:07,339 --> 00:09:09,883 Ah, I mean, I'm always walking with you, 241 00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:11,760 - even when I'm not here. - Honestly, I don't even know 242 00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:13,678 if I would want you following me around everywhere 243 00:09:13,678 --> 00:09:16,973 'cause some stuff is private. (chuckles) 244 00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:22,979 - Jesus? - JESUS: I'm here. 245 00:09:22,979 --> 00:09:24,647 Oh my God! 246 00:09:24,647 --> 00:09:26,107 JESUS: Check out the footprints. 247 00:09:26,858 --> 00:09:27,859 Cool, right? 248 00:09:27,859 --> 00:09:30,236 (gasping) Is that you? 249 00:09:30,236 --> 00:09:33,281 Oh my God, your feet are huge. 250 00:09:33,281 --> 00:09:34,199 (splat) 251 00:09:34,199 --> 00:09:36,326 - MARY: Oh, oh! - Oh, come on! 252 00:09:36,326 --> 00:09:38,370 - Ah, I stepped in camel shit! - (teeth inhales) 253 00:09:38,536 --> 00:09:40,705 Oh, it's all in the grooves. Can you believe that? 254 00:09:40,705 --> 00:09:43,166 Do you have a stick, or a coffee stirrer, or something? 255 00:09:43,166 --> 00:09:47,462 Maybe, I don't know, you could rinse it off or? 256 00:09:47,462 --> 00:09:48,672 You wanna see something cool? 257 00:09:48,672 --> 00:09:50,340 - (Mary giggles) - Close your eyes 258 00:09:51,466 --> 00:09:53,718 - and get ready. - (exhales sharply) Okay. 259 00:09:53,718 --> 00:09:55,887 (heavy rainfall) 260 00:09:57,806 --> 00:09:59,808 - Oh my God. (gasping) - (laughs) 261 00:10:01,059 --> 00:10:03,728 (laughing) Make it snow now! 262 00:10:03,728 --> 00:10:05,438 Naw, we're still in the desert, I can't do that. 263 00:10:05,438 --> 00:10:09,359 Oh, okay, this is a true miracle! 264 00:10:09,359 --> 00:10:11,903 (gasping laughs) 265 00:10:13,571 --> 00:10:15,031 Are you ready to be saved? 266 00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:18,243 I am, I wanna be saved. 267 00:10:20,370 --> 00:10:22,122 (kisses) 268 00:10:24,332 --> 00:10:25,750 (laughing) 269 00:10:25,750 --> 00:10:29,921 - Yes, Jesus Christ is my boyfriend! - (laughing) 270 00:10:29,921 --> 00:10:32,549 GRANDMA: Jesus and Mary were in love, 271 00:10:32,549 --> 00:10:35,593 but much like your grandfather in bed, it didn't last long. 272 00:10:35,593 --> 00:10:37,887 - GRANDDAUGHTER: Grandma! - GRANDMA: Oh, don't be such a prude! 273 00:10:37,887 --> 00:10:39,431 I'll tell you how it ended 274 00:10:39,431 --> 00:10:41,725 after some unrelated sketches. 275 00:10:44,227 --> 00:10:47,480 (mid tempo music) 276 00:10:47,731 --> 00:10:49,649 Hi, my name is Rasputin, 277 00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:51,693 and this is getting my dick cut off. 278 00:10:51,860 --> 00:10:55,989 Oh, yeah, right in the kuskus! 279 00:10:55,989 --> 00:11:01,828 Oh, oh, oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! 280 00:11:01,828 --> 00:11:03,329 (Wee-man laughing) 281 00:11:03,329 --> 00:11:08,710 Oh-ho-ho, oh, ow, my baby, my baby! 282 00:11:10,086 --> 00:11:10,920 (Lance retching) 283 00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:12,714 Take your finger off your tuches 284 00:11:12,714 --> 00:11:14,466 and put it under Lance's nose. 285 00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:16,634 Get him, get him! 286 00:11:16,634 --> 00:11:17,719 (Lance retches) 287 00:11:17,844 --> 00:11:20,555 Oh! (laughing) 288 00:11:21,473 --> 00:11:22,849 Oh, man. 289 00:11:28,730 --> 00:11:30,065 (dramatic music) 290 00:11:30,065 --> 00:11:31,483 MEL: The Pyramids. 291 00:11:33,735 --> 00:11:35,403 (market crowd chattering) 292 00:11:36,780 --> 00:11:39,949 (gasping) Ahmed, look, a basket. 293 00:11:39,949 --> 00:11:41,993 - Sonora, we don't have extra gold. - (Sonora sighs) 294 00:11:41,993 --> 00:11:45,455 GLORP: Did I hear someone say extra gold? 295 00:11:45,455 --> 00:11:49,501 - Yes. - True or true, you'd like some more gold? 296 00:11:49,501 --> 00:11:50,752 True and true. 297 00:11:50,752 --> 00:11:52,212 - How did he know that? - I don't know. 298 00:11:52,504 --> 00:11:54,381 - Hi, I'm Glorp. - Glorp? 299 00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:56,341 Did you know that building pyramids 300 00:11:56,341 --> 00:11:58,593 is the fastest growing industry in Egypt? 301 00:11:58,843 --> 00:12:01,262 All the best pharaohs are buried in them 302 00:12:01,262 --> 00:12:03,098 with their cats and their slaves. 303 00:12:03,348 --> 00:12:04,432 But they're for rich people. 304 00:12:04,432 --> 00:12:06,518 That's right, don't you think you deserve 305 00:12:06,518 --> 00:12:07,769 to get in on that action? 306 00:12:07,977 --> 00:12:09,521 Well, yeah, but I mean-- 307 00:12:09,521 --> 00:12:10,897 Well, it just so happens 308 00:12:10,897 --> 00:12:13,274 that I can get you in on the ground floor, 309 00:12:13,274 --> 00:12:16,486 and when it comes to building pyramids, that's limestone. 310 00:12:16,486 --> 00:12:18,238 (chuckles) Laugh out laugh. 311 00:12:18,363 --> 00:12:19,531 (Ahmed and Sonora chuckle) 312 00:12:19,531 --> 00:12:21,116 Yeah, it sounds a little too good to be true. 313 00:12:21,116 --> 00:12:22,367 There's gotta be a catch, right? 314 00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:24,327 I appreciate your skepticism 315 00:12:24,452 --> 00:12:26,329 and I love all your questions. 316 00:12:26,788 --> 00:12:27,872 This is how it works. 317 00:12:27,997 --> 00:12:31,001 You get two friends to build a pyramid. 318 00:12:31,126 --> 00:12:32,460 Okay, I know two friends. 319 00:12:32,460 --> 00:12:35,213 And then, you sell them the materials. 320 00:12:35,213 --> 00:12:36,297 Uh-huh, okay. 321 00:12:36,297 --> 00:12:37,882 GLORP: Then, they get two friends to build pyramids, 322 00:12:37,882 --> 00:12:40,218 and so on, and so on. 323 00:12:40,218 --> 00:12:41,553 Okay, sounds like a pyramid scheme. 324 00:12:41,553 --> 00:12:42,887 It's not a pyramid scheme, 325 00:12:42,887 --> 00:12:44,681 it's a pyramid opportunity. 326 00:12:44,681 --> 00:12:46,641 That's the beauty of AfterALife. 327 00:12:46,641 --> 00:12:49,477 This sounds just like that herbal supplement thing that you got really into 328 00:12:49,477 --> 00:12:51,271 - and you went to that scary dark place. - (shushes) 329 00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:52,856 AHMED: Don't embarrass me in front of Glorp. 330 00:12:52,856 --> 00:12:56,109 I'll even give you a new cart to transport your materials. 331 00:12:56,234 --> 00:12:57,652 (bell ringing) 332 00:12:57,652 --> 00:12:59,487 Okay, but when do we start seeing a return? 333 00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:01,072 Oh, we've got a thinker here. 334 00:13:01,239 --> 00:13:03,366 I can see who wears the skirt in this relationship. 335 00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:07,078 You can begin whenever you want. 336 00:13:07,245 --> 00:13:09,664 With the pyramid project, you are your own pharaoh. 337 00:13:09,664 --> 00:13:14,419 Hello, jerk, hey, you, I want my gold back! 338 00:13:14,544 --> 00:13:15,462 Oh hi, Zakhor. 339 00:13:15,462 --> 00:13:17,047 Another satisfied customer. 340 00:13:17,047 --> 00:13:19,382 Did you guys know that you gotta build six pyramids 341 00:13:19,382 --> 00:13:21,092 to get that pink cart? 342 00:13:21,092 --> 00:13:22,802 I don't think we were there in the scam yet. 343 00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:25,013 I can explain. If you factor in, 344 00:13:25,013 --> 00:13:27,015 - (communicator chimes) - requesting immediate teleportation, 345 00:13:27,015 --> 00:13:29,559 please, to Machu Picchu. Machu Picchu, please. 346 00:13:29,559 --> 00:13:31,311 - Who are you talking to? - Customer service, hold on. 347 00:13:31,436 --> 00:13:32,937 - What? - Mexico City, 348 00:13:32,937 --> 00:13:34,647 Machu Picchu, anywhere will do. 349 00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:36,024 I'm gonna kick your fuckin' ass. 350 00:13:36,024 --> 00:13:37,233 Quickly, quickly. 351 00:13:37,525 --> 00:13:39,361 (Zakhor yelps) 352 00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:42,280 - Where'd he go? - (thunder rumbles) 353 00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:44,366 Ugh, looks like it's about to rain. 354 00:13:44,366 --> 00:13:47,410 (frogs croaking) 355 00:13:47,410 --> 00:13:48,787 Ah, it's just a drizzle. 356 00:13:51,247 --> 00:13:54,751 MEL: And now the conclusion of Jesus and Mary. 357 00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:59,089 GRANDMA: Mary's heart belonged to Jesus, 358 00:13:59,089 --> 00:14:01,007 and she wrote about it in her notebook 359 00:14:01,007 --> 00:14:03,426 {\an8}just like in the 2004 film. 360 00:14:03,426 --> 00:14:05,261 JESUS: Mary, Mary! 361 00:14:05,261 --> 00:14:06,304 Jesus? 362 00:14:06,304 --> 00:14:07,764 - Mary! - (gentle music) 363 00:14:07,764 --> 00:14:12,310 Jesus, I was thinking about you all day. 364 00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:15,271 What's wrong? 365 00:14:15,271 --> 00:14:16,731 Do you have to use the bathroom? 366 00:14:16,731 --> 00:14:18,566 I mean, ours is clogged. 367 00:14:18,566 --> 00:14:19,693 It wasn't me. 368 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:21,861 Uh, I, uh... 369 00:14:23,571 --> 00:14:25,281 I, I came to say goodbye. 370 00:14:26,324 --> 00:14:29,828 (laughs) Oh, that's how it is. 371 00:14:29,828 --> 00:14:32,997 So you baptize a girl, find out she takes huge dumps, 372 00:14:32,997 --> 00:14:34,582 and then you just dip out? 373 00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:36,751 No, it's not you. 374 00:14:38,086 --> 00:14:40,380 I don't know, my dad is back on his bullshit. 375 00:14:41,047 --> 00:14:43,258 I can't believe I'm never gonna see you again. 376 00:14:44,467 --> 00:14:47,053 You know, actually, I think I'm back in like three days? 377 00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:49,264 - Really? - Yeah, it's like a long weekend. 378 00:14:49,264 --> 00:14:51,558 Guys, we did it, we did it! 379 00:14:51,558 --> 00:14:54,686 Oh my God, we got a chicken to fuck a bunny rabbit! 380 00:14:54,686 --> 00:14:57,897 Yeah, yeah, and the rabbit laid these colorful eggs. 381 00:14:57,897 --> 00:14:59,607 - It's fucked up. - Oh, and the good thing is 382 00:14:59,607 --> 00:15:00,859 those eggs are chocolate. 383 00:15:00,859 --> 00:15:03,445 - MARTHA: Yeah. - And when those eggs hatch, 384 00:15:03,445 --> 00:15:05,196 the chicks are marshmallows! 385 00:15:05,196 --> 00:15:06,906 Marshmallows, it's fucked up, but it's delicious. 386 00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:08,575 It's fucked up! 387 00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:10,201 Now we just need like some kind of holiday 388 00:15:10,201 --> 00:15:12,203 where people wanna buy this kind of weird shit. 389 00:15:12,203 --> 00:15:13,872 How about this Sunday? 390 00:15:15,081 --> 00:15:17,751 I couldn't think of a better way for you to honor me. 391 00:15:17,751 --> 00:15:20,962 Do this in memory of me. 392 00:15:20,962 --> 00:15:22,630 Okay. 393 00:15:22,630 --> 00:15:23,923 Bye, Jesus. 394 00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:29,679 Goodbye, Mary, my little lamb. 395 00:15:29,679 --> 00:15:32,307 Spread my message to your flock, 396 00:15:33,224 --> 00:15:35,518 my message of love and... 397 00:15:35,518 --> 00:15:40,023 Honk, oh, if the Romans come, I was never here. 398 00:15:41,858 --> 00:15:43,193 LUKE: I got a holiday. 399 00:15:43,193 --> 00:15:44,402 We get some graham crackers 400 00:15:44,402 --> 00:15:45,779 and call that shit Smores Day! 401 00:15:45,779 --> 00:15:47,822 Just call it Easter, guys. 402 00:15:47,822 --> 00:15:49,449 Oh, thank you for finally helping! 403 00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:51,326 Yes, (chuckles) come on. 404 00:15:51,326 --> 00:15:52,577 (chicken clucking) 405 00:15:52,702 --> 00:15:54,162 Hey, you two getting frisky again? 406 00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:56,623 GRANDDAUGHTER: So, this story is about the Easter bunny? 407 00:15:56,748 --> 00:15:59,459 No, that's just a B-story! 408 00:15:59,459 --> 00:16:01,211 Where's my phone? 409 00:16:01,211 --> 00:16:03,922 No attention span TikTok-ass. 410 00:16:07,050 --> 00:16:08,718 JESUS: It was us. 411 00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:13,473 I am losing my damn mind. 412 00:16:18,812 --> 00:16:21,022 MEL: Meanwhile, back in Moscow. 413 00:16:21,022 --> 00:16:22,649 FANNY: Schmuck, move faster! 414 00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:25,193 {\an8}Oh please, Fanny, I got a terrible review on Putz Mates. 415 00:16:25,193 --> 00:16:27,362 I'm gonna have to work for Schlubhub now! 416 00:16:27,654 --> 00:16:30,699 Eh, I can't believe you shot Lenin! 417 00:16:30,699 --> 00:16:32,409 He was my best customer! 418 00:16:32,409 --> 00:16:33,576 I shot him three times 419 00:16:33,868 --> 00:16:35,620 and didn't even kill him, the cockroach. 420 00:16:35,620 --> 00:16:37,205 What is he, Rasputin? 421 00:16:37,205 --> 00:16:38,540 What is happening to this family? 422 00:16:38,540 --> 00:16:39,958 How could it get any worse? 423 00:16:39,958 --> 00:16:41,584 Mom, Dad, 424 00:16:41,584 --> 00:16:44,587 I want you to meet Princess Anastasia Romanov. 425 00:16:44,838 --> 00:16:46,965 The sole surviving heir to the Russian throne? 426 00:16:46,965 --> 00:16:48,633 Get her outta here, Joshy! 427 00:16:48,883 --> 00:16:50,468 And she's my fiance. 428 00:16:50,468 --> 00:16:53,555 - (gasps) My baby's getting married! - (Schmuck groans) 429 00:16:53,555 --> 00:16:56,266 - (Princess Anastasia giggles) - Since your whole family is dead, 430 00:16:56,266 --> 00:16:58,435 how many people do I get to invite to the wedding? 431 00:16:58,435 --> 00:16:59,936 - Think about it. (kisses) - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, 432 00:16:59,936 --> 00:17:01,146 when did you get engaged? 433 00:17:01,271 --> 00:17:02,647 During the commercial break. 434 00:17:02,647 --> 00:17:04,691 What, but what about the people with Hulu Plus? 435 00:17:04,691 --> 00:17:06,651 They're living in a commercial-free world. 436 00:17:06,651 --> 00:17:08,653 They're completely in the dark, as are we! 437 00:17:08,653 --> 00:17:10,280 They chose their own ad experience. 438 00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:11,614 - They're capitalist sheep. - (Schmuck groans) 439 00:17:11,906 --> 00:17:13,491 Aw, I love sheep. 440 00:17:13,616 --> 00:17:15,410 Oh, I always assumed I'd have Jewish grandchildren, 441 00:17:15,410 --> 00:17:18,621 but we'd have dysplasia and bipolar disorder (groaning)! 442 00:17:18,621 --> 00:17:20,582 (Schmuck groans, shudders) 443 00:17:20,582 --> 00:17:23,376 Schmuck, stop moaning, we need to think of a plan! 444 00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:24,794 You're gonna shoot me! 445 00:17:24,794 --> 00:17:26,880 - You're gonna shoot me! - I'm not gonna shoot you! 446 00:17:27,130 --> 00:17:28,089 You're gonna jump on me! 447 00:17:28,089 --> 00:17:29,424 You're gonna jump on me! 448 00:17:29,758 --> 00:17:32,510 Don't jump on me! (screaming) 449 00:17:33,845 --> 00:17:36,514 I'm hysterical, I'm hysterical! 450 00:17:36,514 --> 00:17:38,516 - (slaps) - (shuddering stops) 451 00:17:38,808 --> 00:17:40,226 I'm in pain! 452 00:17:40,226 --> 00:17:42,771 I'm in pain and I'm still hysterical! (mouth babbling) 453 00:17:43,229 --> 00:17:44,981 Schmuck, Schmuck, we've been through this. 454 00:17:44,981 --> 00:17:47,650 Come on, breathe, you know what to do. 455 00:17:47,650 --> 00:17:51,446 - (Schmuck snorting, exhales) - Yes. 456 00:17:51,654 --> 00:17:53,239 Anyway, these are my parents. 457 00:17:53,239 --> 00:17:54,699 All right, we need to get outta here. 458 00:17:54,699 --> 00:17:57,702 We need to f-f-flee to America! 459 00:17:57,702 --> 00:17:59,954 Yeah, how the hell are we gonna do that with no money? 460 00:17:59,954 --> 00:18:01,956 - Oh, is this money? - (diamond dings) 461 00:18:03,541 --> 00:18:04,793 - (lighthearted music) - (Schmuck gasps) 462 00:18:04,793 --> 00:18:05,960 She's paying for the wedding. 463 00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:08,463 - Okay, all right. - That's money. 464 00:18:08,672 --> 00:18:10,965 - (train horn whistling) - ANNOUNCER: Last train out of 465 00:18:10,965 --> 00:18:12,550 - Mother Russia boarding now. - I hope there's extra leg room 466 00:18:12,550 --> 00:18:13,468 on this train. 467 00:18:13,468 --> 00:18:15,345 My ticket is economy minus. 468 00:18:15,345 --> 00:18:18,056 ANASTASIA: This isn't gonna work. We're never gonna get outta Moscow. 469 00:18:18,056 --> 00:18:20,100 We just need to get on that train 470 00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:21,893 and nobody's gonna mess with a golem. 471 00:18:21,893 --> 00:18:24,688 - What's a golem? - We're a golem. 472 00:18:24,688 --> 00:18:27,899 - Joshy, I'm not so sure about this shiksa. - She's really cool, ma. 473 00:18:27,899 --> 00:18:30,735 She was teaching me all about something called a Christmas tree. 474 00:18:30,735 --> 00:18:32,237 Jesus. 475 00:18:32,237 --> 00:18:33,780 Why am I on the bottom? 476 00:18:33,988 --> 00:18:36,282 Because my spine is cursed. 477 00:18:37,283 --> 00:18:38,952 What's up? I'm talking to you guys. 478 00:18:38,952 --> 00:18:40,870 I'm not talking to the people inside of my coat. 479 00:18:40,870 --> 00:18:42,163 FANNY: What's going on out there? 480 00:18:42,163 --> 00:18:43,832 What's happening? 481 00:18:43,832 --> 00:18:46,209 We're coming up on some soldiers, so be cool. 482 00:18:47,919 --> 00:18:49,879 Thank you gentlemen, thank you for your service. 483 00:18:49,879 --> 00:18:51,881 I would've served myself, but I had shin splints, 484 00:18:51,881 --> 00:18:53,550 so thank you, though. 485 00:18:53,675 --> 00:18:55,635 To Russia with love! 486 00:18:55,885 --> 00:18:59,639 You know who has four feet and loves train rides, this guy, a golem. 487 00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:01,474 - Oh, hello? - FANNY: Shush, Schmuck! 488 00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:03,977 - (Schmuck's stomach rumbles) - Ooh, got a demon in my stomach, hello! 489 00:19:03,977 --> 00:19:06,021 Calm down, don't give us away. 490 00:19:06,021 --> 00:19:08,648 Okay, we're just 20 yards from the train car. 491 00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:10,358 - (flatulence) - What is that? 492 00:19:10,358 --> 00:19:11,735 - SCHMUCK: Crimea River, - FANNY: Oh, no. 493 00:19:11,735 --> 00:19:12,652 SCHMUCK: okay, that's funny. 494 00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:14,112 - FANNY: What is it? - What is that smell? 495 00:19:14,362 --> 00:19:17,073 - Calm down, shh! - It smells like a rat died or something. 496 00:19:17,073 --> 00:19:19,200 Oh honey, I get a little sour stomach 497 00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:20,827 - whenever I'm fleeing a country. - (flatulence) 498 00:19:20,827 --> 00:19:22,203 It happens, sorry. 499 00:19:22,370 --> 00:19:23,496 - I'm gonna go blind. - (flatulence) 500 00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:25,498 I gonna go blind, I'm panicking. 501 00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:26,791 What are you complaining about? 502 00:19:26,791 --> 00:19:28,335 It's the stuntman doing all the work! 503 00:19:28,335 --> 00:19:30,420 I'm freaking out, I can't be in here right now you guys. 504 00:19:30,420 --> 00:19:31,671 - I'm being serious. - (flatulence) 505 00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:33,340 - Get it together. - Just an everyday golem 506 00:19:33,340 --> 00:19:34,966 boarding a train, nothing to see! 507 00:19:34,966 --> 00:19:37,302 (chuckles) Okay, there's the car, we're almost there. 508 00:19:37,635 --> 00:19:39,346 ANASTASIA: I'm panicking, I can't be in here! 509 00:19:39,346 --> 00:19:40,430 - FANNY: Schmuck. - Oh my God. 510 00:19:40,430 --> 00:19:41,389 - (flatulence) - Oh God! 511 00:19:41,389 --> 00:19:44,184 - Oh, oh, oh! - (flatulence) 512 00:19:44,184 --> 00:19:45,977 (dramatic music) 513 00:19:45,977 --> 00:19:46,936 Go, go, go, go, go! 514 00:19:46,936 --> 00:19:47,854 ANNOUNCER: Last train out 515 00:19:47,854 --> 00:19:49,981 of Mother Russia, leaving now. 516 00:19:50,982 --> 00:19:52,901 Stop, stop, that train! 517 00:19:53,109 --> 00:19:55,612 Fanny, come on, what are you doing? The train's about to leave! 518 00:19:55,612 --> 00:19:58,531 I'm gonna stay here and fight for the revolution! 519 00:19:58,531 --> 00:20:00,617 What, but what about our son? 520 00:20:00,867 --> 00:20:03,328 (scoffing) Josh is so clearly not your son. 521 00:20:03,328 --> 00:20:05,455 - SCHMUCK: Uh-huh. - Look at him, he's beautiful! 522 00:20:05,663 --> 00:20:06,748 But I'm telling you this 523 00:20:06,748 --> 00:20:08,541 - because I need you to know. - Uh-huh. 524 00:20:08,541 --> 00:20:10,377 I never loved you. 525 00:20:10,919 --> 00:20:12,837 Fanny, what are you saying? 526 00:20:13,338 --> 00:20:14,798 - Oy, vey. - Huh? 527 00:20:14,798 --> 00:20:16,216 ANNOUCNER: All aboard! 528 00:20:16,216 --> 00:20:17,550 Goodbye, Schmuck. 529 00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:18,718 (train whistle blows) 530 00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:21,012 Goodbye forever, my sour pickle! 531 00:20:21,471 --> 00:20:23,348 I'm flying in for the wedding! 532 00:20:23,348 --> 00:20:25,934 Great, we'll sit next to each other and share an entree! 533 00:20:26,184 --> 00:20:28,561 I'm bringing a date, I don't wanna talk about it! 534 00:20:28,687 --> 00:20:31,272 Oh, Fanny, it's water under the bridge! 535 00:20:31,773 --> 00:20:33,191 Tell Josh right away! 536 00:20:33,191 --> 00:20:34,901 I'll tell him when we get to America, 537 00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:36,277 which might not be for a while 538 00:20:36,277 --> 00:20:38,947 because I don't think this train is moving! 539 00:20:38,947 --> 00:20:41,408 No, tell him right away! Rip the band-aid! 540 00:20:41,408 --> 00:20:43,910 Oh, I'll tell him someday, Fanny. 541 00:20:43,910 --> 00:20:50,000 ♪ Someday maybe tomorrow ♪ 542 00:20:51,084 --> 00:20:54,087 And so, this story has come to its natural conclusion. 543 00:20:54,087 --> 00:20:55,797 - (flatulence) - (train horn honks) 544 00:20:55,797 --> 00:20:57,882 ♪ All my girls bossy ride with me I'm a savage ♪ 545 00:20:57,882 --> 00:20:59,759 ♪ All my girls bossy, if they want it they can have it ♪ 546 00:20:59,759 --> 00:21:01,511 ♪ I ain't leaving till I get the bag B ♪ 547 00:21:01,511 --> 00:21:03,596 ♪ Ride with me, all my girls, all my girls with me ♪ 548 00:21:03,596 --> 00:21:05,432 ♪ All my girls bossy ride with me I'm a savage ♪ 549 00:21:05,432 --> 00:21:07,475 ♪ All my girls bossy, if they want it they can have it ♪ 550 00:21:07,475 --> 00:21:10,020 ♪ I ain't leaving till I get the bag B, ride with me ♪ 551 00:21:10,020 --> 00:21:11,813 ♪ All my girls all my girls with me ♪ 552 00:21:11,813 --> 00:21:16,985 ♪ 553 00:21:16,985 --> 00:21:19,446 ♪ Ride with me, all my girls all my girls with me ♪ 554 00:21:19,446 --> 00:21:23,366 ♪ 555 00:21:34,294 --> 00:21:36,171 ♪ All my girls bossy ride with me I'm a savage ♪ 556 00:21:36,171 --> 00:21:38,131 ♪ All my girls bossy, if they want it they can have it ♪ 557 00:21:38,131 --> 00:21:39,883 ♪ I ain't leaving till I get the bag B ♪ 558 00:21:39,883 --> 00:21:42,010 ♪ Ride with me, all my girls all my girls with me ♪ 559 00:21:42,010 --> 00:21:43,845 ♪ All my girls bossy ride with me I'm a savage ♪ 560 00:21:43,845 --> 00:21:45,764 ♪ All my girls bossy, if they want it they can have it ♪ 561 00:21:45,764 --> 00:21:47,474 ♪ I ain't leaving till I get the bag B ♪ 562 00:21:47,474 --> 00:21:49,893 ♪ Ride with me, all my girls all my girls with me ♪ 563 00:21:49,893 --> 00:21:55,273 ♪ 564 00:21:55,273 --> 00:21:57,484 ♪ Ride with me, all my girls all my girls with me ♪ 565 00:21:58,985 --> 00:22:01,905 (fanfare) 566 00:22:01,905 --> 00:22:04,991 Captioned by Point.360