1 00:00:03,211 --> 00:00:04,254 MEL: Galileo! 2 00:00:07,298 --> 00:00:10,468 (Heavy Italian accent) Hey! Ciao, Margherita de' Medici! 3 00:00:10,468 --> 00:00:15,390 This is, uh, Galileo with a cameo, aka a Galilameo. 4 00:00:15,390 --> 00:00:19,102 {\an8}This is f-from your father, the Grand Duke of Tuscany 5 00:00:19,102 --> 00:00:20,729 {\an8}and he wanted me to wish you 6 00:00:20,729 --> 00:00:22,772 a happy birthday. 7 00:00:22,772 --> 00:00:27,110 16 years old, which means that you can now get married 8 00:00:27,110 --> 00:00:28,069 to the Duke of Parma. 9 00:00:28,069 --> 00:00:30,155 And, uh, that's good for you 10 00:00:30,155 --> 00:00:33,742 because they got the cheese money. (laughs) 11 00:00:33,742 --> 00:00:36,411 Anyway, I hope it's a successful marriage 12 00:00:36,411 --> 00:00:38,872 so that we can avoid a land war. 13 00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:40,540 {\an8}Please let your father know 14 00:00:40,540 --> 00:00:42,959 that I make this message for you 15 00:00:42,959 --> 00:00:45,879 so he can put in a good word with the Pope 16 00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:48,923 {\an8}and the Pope doesn't torture me 17 00:00:48,923 --> 00:00:52,052 and stretch me out like string cheese, 18 00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:55,055 bringing it back to the Duke of Parma. 19 00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:58,308 {\an8}Okay, much love and peace-a. 20 00:00:58,308 --> 00:01:00,977 The leaning tower of. (mimics trumpet) 21 00:01:00,977 --> 00:01:03,396 (theme music) 22 00:01:07,275 --> 00:01:10,111 MEL: History of the World, Part Two. 23 00:01:10,111 --> 00:01:12,781 (theme music) 24 00:01:17,702 --> 00:01:20,121 MEL: Previously, on The Civil War... 25 00:01:20,330 --> 00:01:22,040 No more alcohol. 26 00:01:22,165 --> 00:01:24,876 You are ready to join me on a top secret mission. 27 00:01:25,043 --> 00:01:26,336 We're going to West Virginia. 28 00:01:26,503 --> 00:01:27,629 SHERIDAN: General Grant was last seen 29 00:01:27,962 --> 00:01:28,963 heading towards Rock Ridge. 30 00:01:29,297 --> 00:01:30,757 You three have been tasked with bringing him back here. 31 00:01:31,174 --> 00:01:32,884 - TUBMAN: Hands up. - MASON: Good Gravy, it's Harriet Tubman! 32 00:01:33,176 --> 00:01:34,344 We hate Yankees. 33 00:01:34,552 --> 00:01:35,428 (guns cocking) 34 00:01:35,428 --> 00:01:37,055 - Hachi-bachis, okay. - Oh, sh- 35 00:01:40,392 --> 00:01:43,687 {\an8}- (suspenseful music playing) - (townspeople chattering) 36 00:01:43,687 --> 00:01:45,939 {\an8}Well, well, well, 37 00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:47,774 {\an8}well, well, well, well. 38 00:01:47,774 --> 00:01:48,733 - Ugh! - Ugh! 39 00:01:48,733 --> 00:01:50,110 FLEETUS: Ulysses Grant 40 00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:53,321 and Honest Abe Lincoln's son. 41 00:01:53,321 --> 00:01:56,950 You picked the wrong saloon to have a drink at. (laughs) 42 00:01:57,826 --> 00:02:00,370 (Fleetus grumbles indistinctly) 43 00:02:01,246 --> 00:02:02,247 - What? - What'd he say? 44 00:02:02,247 --> 00:02:04,165 I said have you got... 45 00:02:04,165 --> 00:02:06,376 (grumbles indistinctly) 46 00:02:07,002 --> 00:02:08,044 What are you saying? 47 00:02:08,378 --> 00:02:10,839 He said, "You got any last words?" 48 00:02:10,839 --> 00:02:15,010 - Oh! Oh, last words. Yes. (clears throat) - (Robert exhales sharply) 49 00:02:15,468 --> 00:02:18,388 May God save and protect our union. 50 00:02:18,388 --> 00:02:21,224 (townspeople jeering) 51 00:02:21,224 --> 00:02:22,809 Yeah, that's right, eat shit. 52 00:02:22,809 --> 00:02:25,270 What about you, little Lincoln boy? 53 00:02:25,270 --> 00:02:27,689 So, you won't kill us until we're done talking? 54 00:02:27,689 --> 00:02:29,315 Them the rules, boy. 55 00:02:29,315 --> 00:02:31,568 Uh, and is that a hard and fast rule? 56 00:02:31,568 --> 00:02:33,028 I always thought it was more of a guideline. 57 00:02:33,028 --> 00:02:33,945 (gun firing) 58 00:02:33,945 --> 00:02:35,196 - Oh! - (townspeople chattering) 59 00:02:35,196 --> 00:02:39,117 Right in the kiss-kiss! Ooh-ah! 60 00:02:39,117 --> 00:02:40,368 - Oh boy. - Dear God. 61 00:02:40,660 --> 00:02:41,536 Okay. Yeah. 62 00:02:41,536 --> 00:02:42,871 - Uh, okay. - Go on! Go on, boy. 63 00:02:43,747 --> 00:02:45,540 Uh... (breathes deeply) 64 00:02:45,540 --> 00:02:48,793 First of all, um, I'd like to thank my parents. 65 00:02:48,793 --> 00:02:51,588 To Dad, You were always so tall. 66 00:02:51,588 --> 00:02:54,424 And Mom, everybody thought you were nuts, 67 00:02:54,424 --> 00:02:56,634 but really to me, you were just Mom. 68 00:02:56,634 --> 00:02:57,886 (townspeople applauding) 69 00:02:57,886 --> 00:02:59,637 Thank you. Not done yet. 70 00:03:00,263 --> 00:03:02,015 Thank you. Thank you. 71 00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:05,810 We made it! Rock Ridge! 72 00:03:05,810 --> 00:03:06,978 MASON: It looked a lot different 73 00:03:06,978 --> 00:03:08,021 in Blazing Saddles. 74 00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:10,065 And, uh, to General Grant, 75 00:03:10,065 --> 00:03:12,108 - the man sitting next to me. - Oh. no. 76 00:03:12,108 --> 00:03:15,487 You are my hero. You are my mentor. 77 00:03:15,487 --> 00:03:17,614 And now, you are my friend. 78 00:03:17,739 --> 00:03:19,407 No. Ah, I'm gonna cry! 79 00:03:19,407 --> 00:03:22,494 I'm gonna freaking cry. (chuckles) 80 00:03:24,996 --> 00:03:25,914 It's them! 81 00:03:26,915 --> 00:03:28,750 General Grant and R.T.? 82 00:03:28,750 --> 00:03:29,918 Are they in trouble? 83 00:03:32,796 --> 00:03:34,172 Oh my God, they're so far away! 84 00:03:34,172 --> 00:03:36,007 MINGOS AND MASON: Turn it around. 85 00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:39,594 Aah! They're gonna hang 'em! 86 00:03:40,887 --> 00:03:42,597 Okay, okay, okay. 87 00:03:42,597 --> 00:03:44,015 I think the only move here 88 00:03:44,015 --> 00:03:46,309 is to get back on Harriet's train and go to Canada, 89 00:03:46,309 --> 00:03:48,186 learn manners, get healthcare, pretend we like poutine. 90 00:03:48,311 --> 00:03:49,270 MINGOS: Oh, I can't! 91 00:03:49,270 --> 00:03:51,564 I can't pretend I like lukewarm cheese curds. 92 00:03:51,564 --> 00:03:53,858 HONEYBEARD: There are no other options, Mingos! 93 00:03:53,858 --> 00:03:55,235 Wait! I have an idea! 94 00:03:55,985 --> 00:03:56,945 (Mason whispers indistinctly) 95 00:03:56,945 --> 00:03:57,904 Oh! 96 00:03:57,904 --> 00:03:59,447 (Mingos whispers indistinctly) 97 00:03:59,447 --> 00:04:01,741 (inhales sharply) It's just us. 98 00:04:08,707 --> 00:04:10,125 WOMAN (over phone): Tell me there's gravity 99 00:04:10,125 --> 00:04:12,127 without telling me there's gravity. 100 00:04:12,127 --> 00:04:15,088 {\an8}Me, Galileo, I'll go first. 101 00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:16,715 {\an8}Ah! Oh, ah! 102 00:04:16,715 --> 00:04:17,716 {\an8}A-choo! 103 00:04:17,716 --> 00:04:21,886 {\an8}Aah! Mamma mia! 104 00:04:21,886 --> 00:04:23,888 {\an8}Hey, I'm flying! 105 00:04:23,888 --> 00:04:26,558 {\an8}Gravity not so real! 106 00:04:26,558 --> 00:04:29,185 {\an8}Oh, no, I'm falling again! 107 00:04:29,185 --> 00:04:32,605 Why didn't I invent the parachute? 108 00:04:35,650 --> 00:04:36,985 MEL: Shirley Chisholm. 109 00:04:39,654 --> 00:04:41,489 ANNOUNCER: Previously, on Shirley... 110 00:04:41,740 --> 00:04:43,533 Mr. Nixon, you've inspired me... 111 00:04:43,700 --> 00:04:44,659 Well, great. 112 00:04:44,868 --> 00:04:46,369 ...to run for president! 113 00:04:46,494 --> 00:04:48,538 {\an8}REPORTER: Alabama governor and presidential candidate, 114 00:04:48,538 --> 00:04:51,499 {\an8}George Wallace is hospitalized after being shot. 115 00:04:51,708 --> 00:04:52,876 This is terrible! 116 00:04:52,876 --> 00:04:53,835 What do we do? 117 00:04:53,835 --> 00:04:55,045 We celebrate. 118 00:04:55,211 --> 00:04:56,755 I'm making a Manhattan. 119 00:04:57,797 --> 00:05:00,884 ♪ From Barbados to Brooklyn, then to DC ♪ 120 00:05:00,884 --> 00:05:03,261 ♪ She's the first Black congresswoman ♪ 121 00:05:03,261 --> 00:05:04,387 {\an8}♪ She's Shirley ♪ 122 00:05:04,387 --> 00:05:06,014 {\an8}♪ It's been a long, hard road ♪ 123 00:05:06,014 --> 00:05:07,474 {\an8}♪ But hope was never lost ♪ 124 00:05:07,474 --> 00:05:09,642 {\an8}♪ 'Cause that girl Shirley's ♪ 125 00:05:09,642 --> 00:05:11,478 {\an8}♪ unbought and unbossed ♪ 126 00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:14,356 {\an8}♪ Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪ 127 00:05:14,606 --> 00:05:17,067 - (audience applause) - ANNOUNCER: Shirley is brought to you 128 00:05:17,067 --> 00:05:20,195 {\an8}by the actual presidential candidate Shirley Chisholm 129 00:05:20,195 --> 00:05:22,947 {\an8}and filmed in front of a live Black audience. 130 00:05:23,865 --> 00:05:25,408 ♪ 131 00:05:25,658 --> 00:05:26,826 I need to go see Wallace. 132 00:05:26,951 --> 00:05:28,244 What are you talking about? 133 00:05:28,244 --> 00:05:29,662 Uh-uh, Shirley, now, 134 00:05:29,662 --> 00:05:31,873 the press is swarming the hospital. 135 00:05:32,082 --> 00:05:34,000 If you go visit that cuckoo Klux Klansman, 136 00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:36,419 - your campaign is over! - (audience laughing) 137 00:05:36,419 --> 00:05:38,797 But it's the Christian thing to do. 138 00:05:38,797 --> 00:05:40,799 All right, th-that's it, that's it. Cut, cut! 139 00:05:40,799 --> 00:05:42,175 Where's the director at? 140 00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:43,760 What's going on now? Look, I know you guys have us 141 00:05:43,968 --> 00:05:45,220 doing some crazy shit up in here, 142 00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:46,680 but why in the world would Shirley 143 00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:48,598 go visit George Wallace at the hospital? 144 00:05:48,723 --> 00:05:52,268 Conrad, this is something that actually happened. 145 00:05:52,268 --> 00:05:54,396 - Really? - Now, get your butt over here 146 00:05:54,396 --> 00:05:55,522 and say your next line. 147 00:05:55,522 --> 00:05:57,065 (audience laughing) 148 00:05:57,065 --> 00:05:58,900 Action. All right, honey. 149 00:05:58,900 --> 00:06:00,902 if you are going, I'm going with you. 150 00:06:01,945 --> 00:06:03,154 Me, too! 151 00:06:03,154 --> 00:06:05,907 - How about you, Mama? - I'm sorry. 152 00:06:05,907 --> 00:06:07,742 - I can't hear you over the stirring. - (glass clinking) 153 00:06:08,076 --> 00:06:09,411 (audience laughing) 154 00:06:09,411 --> 00:06:11,413 ♪ 155 00:06:11,413 --> 00:06:15,375 CONRAD: Did I really need to be disguised in a full body cast? 156 00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:16,793 (audience laughing) 157 00:06:16,793 --> 00:06:18,712 It doesn't even look like Conrad. 158 00:06:18,878 --> 00:06:20,839 I ain't putting on that thing. I'm claustrophobic. 159 00:06:20,839 --> 00:06:23,425 - (PA announcer chattering) - This must be him. 160 00:06:23,842 --> 00:06:25,427 You two stay and guard. 161 00:06:25,593 --> 00:06:26,803 Oh! 162 00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:29,264 I see you're going to check on Governor Wallace. 163 00:06:29,597 --> 00:06:32,017 Uh, yes, I'm going to check his... 164 00:06:32,017 --> 00:06:33,143 ...oil? 165 00:06:35,478 --> 00:06:37,522 Well, then you wouldn't mind administering 166 00:06:37,522 --> 00:06:40,608 his next dose of painkiller while you're at it. 167 00:06:41,192 --> 00:06:43,403 Uh, you sure I should be doing this? 168 00:06:43,653 --> 00:06:45,196 Yeah, it's the '70s. 169 00:06:45,196 --> 00:06:47,157 Now, if you'll excuse me, 170 00:06:47,157 --> 00:06:49,492 I'm off to an interracial orgy 171 00:06:49,492 --> 00:06:51,995 where everyone will have a huge bush. 172 00:06:51,995 --> 00:06:53,621 (audience laughing) 173 00:06:53,621 --> 00:06:56,041 (tense music playing) 174 00:06:58,209 --> 00:06:59,586 ANNOUNCER: Shirley will be right back 175 00:06:59,586 --> 00:07:02,380 after a bunch of cigarette commercials. 176 00:07:04,174 --> 00:07:07,385 ♪ 177 00:07:07,385 --> 00:07:11,222 I am Rasputin and this is the human cigarette. 178 00:07:11,222 --> 00:07:14,476 (muffled groans) 179 00:07:14,476 --> 00:07:17,645 (group chuckling) 180 00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:20,523 (dynamite explodes) 181 00:07:20,523 --> 00:07:23,193 Oh-ho! That did it! 182 00:07:23,193 --> 00:07:24,152 Oh-ho-ho! 183 00:07:24,152 --> 00:07:26,237 My bottom half's on fire! 184 00:07:26,237 --> 00:07:28,490 Come on, guys, put out the fire. 185 00:07:28,615 --> 00:07:30,158 Relax, comrade, we will give you golden shower. 186 00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:32,952 Oh! Oh! Oh! 187 00:07:32,952 --> 00:07:36,039 Oh! Ooh! Oh! 188 00:07:36,247 --> 00:07:38,458 Oh, not in my face, comrade! 189 00:07:40,043 --> 00:07:42,545 MEL: Now, back to The Civil War. 190 00:07:45,382 --> 00:07:47,384 ROBERT: Let's see, um, in the new, uh, bestseller- 191 00:07:47,384 --> 00:07:49,302 I don't know if you guys have heard of this new thing, 192 00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:50,679 it's called the dictionary. 193 00:07:50,679 --> 00:07:52,806 Uh, Daniel Webster just wrote it. 194 00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:57,894 Um, it defines honor as one who brings 195 00:07:57,894 --> 00:08:00,605 - worth or respect or-- - (instrumental music playing) 196 00:08:00,605 --> 00:08:02,607 Okay, yeah, uh, yeah, they're playing me off. 197 00:08:02,774 --> 00:08:04,067 All right, I'm, I'm going. 198 00:08:04,067 --> 00:08:05,944 Um, there are so many people I have to thank still. 199 00:08:05,944 --> 00:08:07,821 Um, everyone at UTA, 200 00:08:07,987 --> 00:08:10,407 Jared Levine, Jared Cohen, Jared Cohenstein. 201 00:08:10,782 --> 00:08:12,617 - Okay, hey, hey, hey! - Billy Rosenberg, David Greenbaum, 202 00:08:12,617 --> 00:08:14,327 - Matthew Greenfield, Tina Kwan. - Okay, all right, all right. That enough. 203 00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:16,579 - We ain't got time for the Jew stuff. - Okay, I'm still talking. 204 00:08:16,579 --> 00:08:18,415 - That's enough, little boy. - I'm still talking! 205 00:08:18,415 --> 00:08:19,708 That's enough, little boy. 206 00:08:20,917 --> 00:08:23,253 - Hang 'em! - Oh, boy. Okay. 207 00:08:23,253 --> 00:08:25,505 Yeah, this is happening. This is happening right now. 208 00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:27,257 Oh, they got a guy. They got a guy. 209 00:08:27,257 --> 00:08:30,635 (trumpet playing) 210 00:08:31,219 --> 00:08:34,597 Ladies and gentlemen, fresh from their stint in Europe, 211 00:08:34,597 --> 00:08:37,684 please welcome the Confederate Players! 212 00:08:37,684 --> 00:08:39,227 Let's bring up our emcee. 213 00:08:39,227 --> 00:08:42,188 He's First Nation and first in your heart. 214 00:08:42,188 --> 00:08:45,275 Give it up for Mingos! 215 00:08:45,275 --> 00:08:48,403 (townspeople applauding) 216 00:08:48,403 --> 00:08:50,447 - FLEETUS: Oh, boy. - MINGOS: Hi. 217 00:08:50,447 --> 00:08:53,533 - (microphone feedback) -I'm, uh, I'm Mingos. 218 00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:58,747 Uh, so I just came from St. Louis and, uh... 219 00:08:59,789 --> 00:09:03,001 Oh wait, I was supposed to say St. Louis, Missouri 220 00:09:03,001 --> 00:09:05,837 because this joke is about the Missouri Compromise and- 221 00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:07,339 (grumbling) Oh, you suck, weirdo. 222 00:09:07,339 --> 00:09:09,007 What, what? 223 00:09:09,007 --> 00:09:10,467 He said, "You suck, weirdo." 224 00:09:10,467 --> 00:09:13,970 (townspeople chattering) 225 00:09:13,970 --> 00:09:16,181 Go. You got it. You're good. 226 00:09:16,181 --> 00:09:18,516 Has anybody heard about this telegraph? 227 00:09:18,516 --> 00:09:20,185 Ah, go back home, weirdo! 228 00:09:20,435 --> 00:09:22,312 (townspeople chattering) 229 00:09:22,312 --> 00:09:24,564 Y-You know, I would love to, 230 00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:26,232 but a bunch of you colonizers 231 00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:28,360 built an Ohio on top of my home. 232 00:09:28,651 --> 00:09:31,488 (townspeople laughing) 233 00:09:33,198 --> 00:09:35,950 I-I mean, if you're gonna genocide a people, 234 00:09:35,950 --> 00:09:38,495 you should get something better out of it than Cleveland. 235 00:09:38,495 --> 00:09:40,288 (townspeople laughing) 236 00:09:40,288 --> 00:09:43,208 That is a good observation! 237 00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:46,252 If your house is near a river you can't pronounce, 238 00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:48,088 you might be a colonizer. 239 00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:51,132 (townspeople laughing) 240 00:09:53,009 --> 00:09:55,303 MASON: It's working, Mingos! 241 00:09:55,303 --> 00:09:57,138 Did I just find my voice? 242 00:09:58,181 --> 00:10:00,433 What else is going on, here? 243 00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:02,185 Is anybody here from Atlanta? 244 00:10:02,185 --> 00:10:03,144 (townspeople cheering) 245 00:10:03,144 --> 00:10:04,312 Yeah? 246 00:10:04,312 --> 00:10:05,939 Well, your shit's on fire. 247 00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:09,067 (townspeople laughing) 248 00:10:09,317 --> 00:10:13,279 Anyway, you guys have been a bunch of inbred demons 249 00:10:13,279 --> 00:10:14,489 rotten to your core. 250 00:10:14,739 --> 00:10:17,242 But please welcome the Dixie Dicks! 251 00:10:17,992 --> 00:10:19,369 Dixie Dicks? 252 00:10:19,494 --> 00:10:21,287 - MASON: You know what to do, Mingos. - MINGOS: On it! 253 00:10:21,287 --> 00:10:23,915 (townspeople applauding) 254 00:10:23,915 --> 00:10:25,750 - FLEETUS: Oh, yeah! - Nice, little music. 255 00:10:25,750 --> 00:10:27,335 I like they do standup and then the music. 256 00:10:27,335 --> 00:10:29,212 - Totally. We got a good view, too. - ULYSSES: Yeah, yeah. 257 00:10:29,212 --> 00:10:32,048 Boy, I'll tell you what, it is good to be back in the South. 258 00:10:32,048 --> 00:10:33,675 (townspeople cheering) 259 00:10:34,092 --> 00:10:36,011 Yeah. We just got back from the North. 260 00:10:36,261 --> 00:10:39,180 (townspeople jeering) 261 00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:40,890 - (horse neighing) - (glass shattering) 262 00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:42,392 Jesus Christ. 263 00:10:42,392 --> 00:10:44,686 You were saying something, though, while we were leaving. 264 00:10:44,686 --> 00:10:46,396 Oh, I sure was, partner. 265 00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:48,064 What was that thing you were saying? 266 00:10:48,064 --> 00:10:52,193 Well, Dix, I believe I said something like this. 267 00:10:54,112 --> 00:10:57,157 ♪ Well, I've traveled this great land of ours ♪ 268 00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:59,451 ♪ And let me be the first ♪ 269 00:10:59,451 --> 00:11:04,372 ♪ To say them Yankee states are among the greats ♪ 270 00:11:04,539 --> 00:11:07,542 ♪ Of all time rotten worst ♪ 271 00:11:07,542 --> 00:11:08,835 ♪ So fuck the North ♪ 272 00:11:08,835 --> 00:11:10,086 TOWNSPEOPLE: ♪ Fuck the North! ♪ 273 00:11:10,086 --> 00:11:12,213 ♪ Fuck that godforsaken North ♪ 274 00:11:12,213 --> 00:11:14,049 ♪ Come on, sing it loud and proud ♪ 275 00:11:14,299 --> 00:11:16,509 - ♪ Fuck the North ♪ - TOWNSPEOPLE: ♪ Fuck the North! ♪ 276 00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:18,970 ♪ Massachusetts's filled with snooty pricks ♪ 277 00:11:18,970 --> 00:11:21,222 ♪ New Jersey's a wretched hole ♪ 278 00:11:21,222 --> 00:11:23,433 ♪ And them fat cat porkers they call New Yorkers ♪ 279 00:11:23,433 --> 00:11:25,310 ♪ Disgust me to my soul ♪ 280 00:11:25,727 --> 00:11:27,604 ♪ Well, let Maine fuck off to Canada ♪ 281 00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:29,522 ♪ And I hope New Hampshire follows ♪ 282 00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:32,150 ♪ And Illinois sucks great big donkey dicks ♪ 283 00:11:32,150 --> 00:11:34,069 ♪ While Michigan sucks and swallows ♪ 284 00:11:34,402 --> 00:11:38,365 ♪ So forgive the hateful bile that we spew forth ♪ 285 00:11:38,365 --> 00:11:40,408 ♪ But we hate them fucking fuckers ♪ 286 00:11:40,408 --> 00:11:43,870 - ♪ Fuck the North ♪ - TOWNSPEOPLE: ♪ Fuck the North! ♪ 287 00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:45,372 This song is highly offensive. 288 00:11:45,372 --> 00:11:47,082 Yeah, but you gotta admit it slaps. 289 00:11:47,248 --> 00:11:49,459 ROBERT: It is a bop. 290 00:11:49,459 --> 00:11:51,002 This is a fucking freak show. 291 00:11:51,169 --> 00:11:52,504 HONEYBEARD: Time to save the day. 292 00:11:52,504 --> 00:11:54,839 Mingos, we're running out of states to sing about. 293 00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:58,009 MASON: ♪ Now, Wisconsin is a shithole ♪ 294 00:11:58,009 --> 00:12:00,637 ♪ Filled with lowlifes, chumps, and cheese ♪ 295 00:12:00,637 --> 00:12:02,430 ♪ And Minnesota reeks of Viking farts ♪ 296 00:12:02,430 --> 00:12:04,766 ♪ Even when it's two degrees ♪ 297 00:12:05,058 --> 00:12:06,601 MASON: ♪ I say piss on Pennsylvania ♪ 298 00:12:06,601 --> 00:12:09,145 ♪ With all them shaky quaky losers ♪ 299 00:12:09,145 --> 00:12:11,356 ♪ And Indiana's worst of all ♪ 300 00:12:11,356 --> 00:12:14,234 BOTH: ♪ Just a bunch of goddamn Hoosiers ♪ 301 00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:16,569 - ♪ So fuck the North ♪ - TOWNSPEOPLE: ♪ Fuck the North! ♪ 302 00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:18,446 - BOTH: ♪ Yeah, fuck the lot ♪ - Yee-haw! 303 00:12:18,863 --> 00:12:20,323 - HONEYBEARD: ♪ There ain't nothing worse ♪ - Hey! 304 00:12:20,323 --> 00:12:21,616 HONEYBEARD: ♪ On God's green earth ♪ 305 00:12:21,616 --> 00:12:23,410 ♪ than a goddamn Yankee twat ♪ 306 00:12:23,785 --> 00:12:25,203 ♪ Yeah, up above that Mason-Dixon ♪ 307 00:12:25,370 --> 00:12:27,330 ♪ They're all lowdown lying pricks and ♪ 308 00:12:27,330 --> 00:12:29,499 ♪ It's a land of snobs and bambis ♪ 309 00:12:29,499 --> 00:12:31,710 ♪ Dirty deviants sniffing panties ♪ 310 00:12:31,710 --> 00:12:33,878 ♪ I say fuck them fuckin' fuckers ♪ 311 00:12:33,878 --> 00:12:36,673 - ♪ Fuck the North ♪ - ♪ Fuck the North ♪ 312 00:12:38,008 --> 00:12:39,092 Woo-hoo! 313 00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:42,220 (townspeople cheering) 314 00:12:43,638 --> 00:12:47,726 Thank you! We are three Union soldiers on a rescue mission! 315 00:12:47,726 --> 00:12:49,269 (townspeople murmuring) 316 00:12:49,519 --> 00:12:51,938 I mean... The Confederate Players. 317 00:12:51,938 --> 00:12:53,314 - (guns cocking) - Crab apples! 318 00:12:54,899 --> 00:12:55,984 Hey! 319 00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:58,778 What the hell we got here? 320 00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:01,322 I got him! He was trying to escape! 321 00:13:01,322 --> 00:13:03,491 - Yeah? - Give me your gun. 322 00:13:03,491 --> 00:13:06,661 Yeah, get him. You can walk-- Oh, no, hell, nah! 323 00:13:06,661 --> 00:13:08,038 Dammit. 324 00:13:13,793 --> 00:13:17,630 {\an8}Hey, what's up familia? It's your boy Galileo. 325 00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:20,342 Boy, that gravity bit went more viral 326 00:13:20,342 --> 00:13:23,011 than syphilis at the Borgia orgy. 327 00:13:23,011 --> 00:13:27,515 #Borgy, which I understand is now trending? 328 00:13:27,515 --> 00:13:28,975 LOL! 329 00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:31,686 But now that I have your attention, 330 00:13:31,686 --> 00:13:33,271 I want to talk to you 331 00:13:33,271 --> 00:13:35,940 about how the Earth revolve around the sun. 332 00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:40,445 I can prove it with a little something called a telescope 333 00:13:40,445 --> 00:13:43,907 You may not have heard of it because I just invented it. 334 00:13:43,907 --> 00:13:46,993 (air horns blaring) 335 00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:50,705 MEL: The Yalta Conference. 336 00:13:52,540 --> 00:13:54,709 - History is told in pictures - (camera shutters clicking) 337 00:13:54,709 --> 00:13:56,294 and no one took those pictures 338 00:13:56,294 --> 00:13:59,089 like the famed historical photographer, Serge, 339 00:13:59,089 --> 00:14:02,550 alongside his perpetual plus-one, Clay. 340 00:14:02,550 --> 00:14:05,261 Watch him shoot Roosevelt, Churchill, and Stalin 341 00:14:05,553 --> 00:14:09,641 as the three men try to end World War II. 342 00:14:09,641 --> 00:14:11,351 STALIN: Please, Mr. Roosevelt, 343 00:14:11,768 --> 00:14:13,186 Berlin is in our quarter of the country. 344 00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:15,438 We will make sure it is safe, not to worry. 345 00:14:15,438 --> 00:14:18,858 (laughing) And who, Joseph, will keep us safe from you? 346 00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:21,403 - STALIN: You can always stay safe from me. - ROOSEVELT: He's got a point. 347 00:14:21,403 --> 00:14:23,405 The one in the middle is driving me nuts! 348 00:14:23,405 --> 00:14:24,739 - (Clay groaning) - (Serge scoffing) 349 00:14:24,739 --> 00:14:26,658 SERGE: Like, he's just got a dumb suit like some 350 00:14:26,658 --> 00:14:28,326 bozo finance bro. 351 00:14:28,493 --> 00:14:30,453 - CLAY: Very bad. - What do I do with him? 352 00:14:30,453 --> 00:14:31,746 This guy is useless. 353 00:14:31,746 --> 00:14:33,123 I have an idea. 354 00:14:34,165 --> 00:14:35,125 Cape! 355 00:14:35,834 --> 00:14:37,002 - Cape! - CLAY: Mm. 356 00:14:37,002 --> 00:14:38,545 SERGE: Oh, you've never cease to amaze me. 357 00:14:38,545 --> 00:14:40,380 - Oh, my! - CLAY: Okay, come on. 358 00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:42,007 You're so smart! 359 00:14:42,007 --> 00:14:44,968 - CLAY: Ooh! Who's my big cape boy? - Uh, I, I am. 360 00:14:44,968 --> 00:14:47,679 - (camera shutter clicking) - CLAY: Okay. (laughs) Daddy! (laughs) 361 00:14:47,679 --> 00:14:50,265 - Oh! Oh, oh! - Yes! 362 00:14:50,265 --> 00:14:52,350 - You saved the day. - STALIN: It looks good. 363 00:14:52,350 --> 00:14:54,352 I-I will also take a cape. 364 00:14:54,352 --> 00:14:57,105 No, you won't. You grabby bitch. 365 00:14:57,731 --> 00:15:00,859 - STALIN: All right. - All right, everybody, come on! Smile! 366 00:15:00,859 --> 00:15:03,361 Ugh, repulsive. 367 00:15:03,361 --> 00:15:05,280 I gotta shake it up. Attention! 368 00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:07,032 (group grunting) 369 00:15:07,032 --> 00:15:09,743 At ease. Put your heads down. 370 00:15:09,743 --> 00:15:11,995 - (camera shutter clicking) - Look left. 371 00:15:11,995 --> 00:15:14,998 Look right. You're at a party. 372 00:15:14,998 --> 00:15:16,499 You don't know anyone. 373 00:15:16,499 --> 00:15:19,085 You're a little shy, but you still make eye contact. 374 00:15:19,085 --> 00:15:21,254 Show me your pearly grays! 375 00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:23,048 - (camera shutter clicking) - Oh, fuck, girl. 376 00:15:23,340 --> 00:15:25,258 - Disgusting. Ew. - Look at that. So terrifying. 377 00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:26,843 (Serge and Clay laughing) 378 00:15:26,843 --> 00:15:30,722 You know what? We're gonna fly in some props. You're in a band! 379 00:15:30,722 --> 00:15:32,682 Girls night! 380 00:15:32,682 --> 00:15:34,809 Oh, Dancing Diva, what are you up to? 381 00:15:34,809 --> 00:15:36,936 - Hi! - SERGE: Uh-oh! Winston, help her! 382 00:15:37,228 --> 00:15:38,772 She's throwing up on the party bus! 383 00:15:38,772 --> 00:15:40,148 You caught a fish! 384 00:15:40,148 --> 00:15:42,692 - That's a big fish! - (camera shutter clicking) 385 00:15:42,692 --> 00:15:44,486 Ugh, we'll just go with this one. 386 00:15:44,486 --> 00:15:46,905 - GLAY: Yeah, it'll work. - Okay, I think we got it! 387 00:15:46,905 --> 00:15:48,782 Thank you guys so much! This is so much fun. 388 00:15:48,782 --> 00:15:50,033 Thank you, thank you, thank you. 389 00:15:50,033 --> 00:15:53,286 And hey, please, demilitarize Berlin. 390 00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:54,579 They need to work on their club scene 391 00:15:54,579 --> 00:15:56,706 Am I right, your basic slut? (laughing) 392 00:15:56,706 --> 00:15:58,249 Please tell me you found me a matcha latte. 393 00:15:58,249 --> 00:16:00,794 I had to go to the Starbucks in the supermarket to get it. 394 00:16:00,794 --> 00:16:02,879 - Uh, excuse me. - Yes? 395 00:16:02,879 --> 00:16:03,963 ROOSEVELT: Sorry to interrupt. 396 00:16:04,214 --> 00:16:06,883 Do you shoot messy flag raisings? 397 00:16:06,883 --> 00:16:09,844 Because we have something coming up in Iwo Jima. 398 00:16:09,844 --> 00:16:12,931 Okay, you're embarrassing, but you're adorable. 399 00:16:12,931 --> 00:16:14,724 Of course we'll be there! Obvi! 400 00:16:14,724 --> 00:16:16,768 Baby, schedule some waxes, 401 00:16:16,768 --> 00:16:20,438 we're going to the South Pacific! 402 00:16:20,438 --> 00:16:21,898 Almost! Almost there! 403 00:16:21,898 --> 00:16:24,609 CLAY: It's fabulous, daddy. 404 00:16:24,609 --> 00:16:26,945 ♪ Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪ 405 00:16:26,945 --> 00:16:29,197 MEL: Now back to Shirley Chisholm. 406 00:16:30,198 --> 00:16:31,282 ANNOUNCER: Tonight, on a 407 00:16:31,282 --> 00:16:33,118 very special episode of Shirley, 408 00:16:33,743 --> 00:16:37,330 playing White racist Governor George Wallace, 409 00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:40,792 is national treasure comedian George Wallace. 410 00:16:40,792 --> 00:16:43,878 - (audience applauding) - Nurse! Nurse! 411 00:16:43,878 --> 00:16:44,921 (audience cheering) 412 00:16:44,921 --> 00:16:46,256 Nurse! 413 00:16:46,256 --> 00:16:47,924 I am not your nurse. 414 00:16:48,049 --> 00:16:50,051 Well, you sure as hell ain't my doctor. 415 00:16:50,176 --> 00:16:52,887 The only medical professional you need 416 00:16:53,096 --> 00:16:56,391 is an equine proctologist because you, sir, 417 00:16:56,391 --> 00:16:58,143 are a horse's ass. 418 00:16:58,143 --> 00:16:59,853 (audience laughing) 419 00:16:59,853 --> 00:17:01,771 Oh, my God, it's Shirley Chisholm! 420 00:17:01,771 --> 00:17:05,025 - Oh, lord, have mercy! Oh, oh, oh, oh! - (bed frame crashing) 421 00:17:05,025 --> 00:17:06,526 Now you broke your bed. 422 00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:08,361 This hospital is so cheap, 423 00:17:08,361 --> 00:17:09,821 when I got my operation for anesthesia 424 00:17:09,821 --> 00:17:11,531 the doctor just said, "Go to sleep!" 425 00:17:11,656 --> 00:17:12,824 (audience laughing) 426 00:17:12,824 --> 00:17:14,784 You come here to finish the job? You gonna kill me? 427 00:17:14,784 --> 00:17:16,619 I'm not here to finish the job. 428 00:17:16,619 --> 00:17:19,914 I'm here to say I'm sorry for what happened. 429 00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:23,585 Well, I'm here as a racist White man with a gunshot wound. 430 00:17:23,585 --> 00:17:25,962 Now, get your ugly ass outta here. 431 00:17:25,962 --> 00:17:28,798 - (Wallace groaning) - (audience laughing) 432 00:17:28,798 --> 00:17:31,009 A little prick for a big one. 433 00:17:31,009 --> 00:17:33,011 (Wallace groaning) 434 00:17:33,011 --> 00:17:35,430 Why, Shirley Chisholm, in all my years, 435 00:17:35,430 --> 00:17:41,686 I have never, ever felt so groovy. 436 00:17:41,936 --> 00:17:45,815 Well, now that you've gone from Jim Crow to Jim Morrison, 437 00:17:46,024 --> 00:17:49,152 maybe you and I can have a real conversation, George. 438 00:17:49,152 --> 00:17:52,655 You got any of those little, funny cigarettes, Shirley? 439 00:17:52,655 --> 00:17:54,032 George, we need to change 440 00:17:54,032 --> 00:17:56,785 the political discourse in this country. 441 00:17:56,785 --> 00:18:00,830 America doesn't need more name calling and gun fights. 442 00:18:00,830 --> 00:18:04,167 America needs strong leadership 443 00:18:04,167 --> 00:18:05,835 and more television channels. 444 00:18:05,835 --> 00:18:06,961 (audience laughing) 445 00:18:07,128 --> 00:18:08,588 You know, Shirley, truth is 446 00:18:09,297 --> 00:18:10,298 I'm scared. 447 00:18:10,298 --> 00:18:11,508 AUDIENCE: Aw! 448 00:18:11,675 --> 00:18:12,967 I'm scared of giving power to the people 449 00:18:12,967 --> 00:18:15,220 that we've done so much harm to. 450 00:18:15,220 --> 00:18:18,390 I'm scared that I'm not really superior to anybody. 451 00:18:18,723 --> 00:18:19,849 And I'm scared of olives. 452 00:18:19,849 --> 00:18:21,601 They look like little witch's eyes. 453 00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:23,853 Look-y, look-y! I'm gonna get you and your little- 454 00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:25,772 (audience laughing) 455 00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:27,190 This is some good shit. 456 00:18:27,190 --> 00:18:28,900 (audience laughing) 457 00:18:28,900 --> 00:18:31,403 Just promise me one thing, Shirley. 458 00:18:31,403 --> 00:18:34,489 Promise me no matter what happens, 459 00:18:34,489 --> 00:18:36,574 we will always be friends. 460 00:18:37,659 --> 00:18:39,077 I don't know about friends, George, 461 00:18:39,077 --> 00:18:41,329 but let's not be foes. 462 00:18:41,454 --> 00:18:43,581 - AUDIENCE: Aw! - (Wallace chuckling) 463 00:18:43,581 --> 00:18:46,960 Uh, Dr. Chisholm, um, the press is here. 464 00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:49,087 The press? I said, I said, did you say the press? 465 00:18:49,212 --> 00:18:50,880 Oh, I can't be associated with you people. 466 00:18:51,047 --> 00:18:52,465 Y'all go on and get outta here, okay? 467 00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:54,551 Well, I guess the drugs wore off. 468 00:18:54,551 --> 00:18:56,344 Wait. Before you leave, 469 00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:59,681 would you be a dear and empty my bedpan? 470 00:18:59,681 --> 00:19:03,059 Uh! If you think Congresswoman Shirley Chisholm 471 00:19:03,059 --> 00:19:04,853 is gonna be your servant, 472 00:19:04,978 --> 00:19:06,688 - you got another thing coming. - No, no, no, no, Flo. 473 00:19:06,688 --> 00:19:08,148 It would be my pleasure. 474 00:19:08,148 --> 00:19:11,026 Besides, it's the Christian thing to do. 475 00:19:13,361 --> 00:19:16,948 Shit! Shit! (babbles) 476 00:19:16,948 --> 00:19:20,326 - Lets' get outta here. - (Florynce laughing) 477 00:19:20,326 --> 00:19:22,495 CONRAD: Oh! Who's there? 478 00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:25,290 Where are you taking me? I hope to the food court! 479 00:19:25,290 --> 00:19:26,875 I'll be performing 480 00:19:26,875 --> 00:19:29,085 at the world famous Laugh Factory in Las Vegas. 481 00:19:29,210 --> 00:19:30,378 You can go see the Blue Man 482 00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:32,172 or you can come see the Black man. 483 00:19:32,172 --> 00:19:34,507 (audience laughing) 484 00:19:34,799 --> 00:19:38,928 ♪ Ooh, ooh Shirley ♪ 485 00:19:43,433 --> 00:19:47,062 Ciao, familia, it's your boy, Galileo. 486 00:19:47,062 --> 00:19:49,481 I know you have not heard from me for a while 487 00:19:49,481 --> 00:19:52,776 and that's because I was arrested for heresy. 488 00:19:52,776 --> 00:19:57,822 But the truth is nobody love the church more than me! 489 00:19:57,822 --> 00:20:01,117 Some of my best friends, they're priests. 490 00:20:01,117 --> 00:20:03,661 My two daughters, they are nuns. 491 00:20:03,661 --> 00:20:05,163 #NunDad. 492 00:20:05,163 --> 00:20:09,125 So I'm gonna go take some time away, 493 00:20:09,125 --> 00:20:11,878 think about what I say. 494 00:20:11,878 --> 00:20:13,713 I'm so sorry. 495 00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:16,341 I-I don't mean any of it. 496 00:20:16,341 --> 00:20:18,009 I want to reflect on what I did 497 00:20:18,009 --> 00:20:23,014 and think about the gravity of talking about gravity. 498 00:20:23,014 --> 00:20:25,100 And maybe one day I can come back 499 00:20:25,100 --> 00:20:29,396 and just do goof-arounds like I used to do. 500 00:20:29,396 --> 00:20:30,855 (air horns blaring) 501 00:20:30,855 --> 00:20:32,607 That's it from me, Galileo. 502 00:20:32,607 --> 00:20:36,069 To all of you I say, uh, peace-a. 503 00:20:36,069 --> 00:20:37,487 Leaning tower of. 504 00:20:39,239 --> 00:20:41,658 MEL: Now back to The Civil War. 505 00:20:43,493 --> 00:20:46,287 (birds screeching) 506 00:20:47,831 --> 00:20:49,207 ALL: Shit. 507 00:20:49,207 --> 00:20:51,793 If you're about to hang a Native American, 508 00:20:51,793 --> 00:20:53,670 you might be a colonizer. 509 00:20:54,838 --> 00:20:56,673 You're shaking, sir. You nervous about dying? 510 00:20:56,673 --> 00:20:59,759 Nope. Need a drink. Got the DTs. 511 00:20:59,759 --> 00:21:01,886 By the way, great rescue mission. 512 00:21:01,886 --> 00:21:03,638 Oh, thank you. That means a lot coming from you. 513 00:21:03,638 --> 00:21:05,265 I'm joking. Look at us, we're fucked. 514 00:21:05,265 --> 00:21:06,891 Yeah, you dirty Yankee dogs 515 00:21:06,891 --> 00:21:08,393 are guilty of espionage and treason. 516 00:21:08,768 --> 00:21:10,895 Plus that song you sang, that don't have a proper hook. 517 00:21:10,895 --> 00:21:12,939 It's a new type of song, okay? 518 00:21:12,939 --> 00:21:17,110 - Hang 'em! - (townspeople cheering) 519 00:21:17,235 --> 00:21:19,696 Oh, shit. Dying sober. I'm dying sober. 520 00:21:19,696 --> 00:21:20,822 Oh, this is the worst. 521 00:21:20,822 --> 00:21:23,825 (drums playing) 522 00:21:25,452 --> 00:21:27,537 (gun firing) 523 00:21:28,621 --> 00:21:30,915 - (townspeople chattering) - ROBERT: What's going on? 524 00:21:30,915 --> 00:21:32,625 We're escaping, that's what! Hyah! 525 00:21:32,625 --> 00:21:35,712 - (horse neighs) - (adventurous music) 526 00:21:39,591 --> 00:21:42,344 (gun firing) 527 00:21:42,344 --> 00:21:44,763 Thought they was gonna save Grant without my help. 528 00:21:44,763 --> 00:21:47,557 - (scoffing) Dumb asses. - (train whistle blowing) 529 00:21:47,557 --> 00:21:49,225 I'm coming, I'm coming! 530 00:21:49,225 --> 00:21:52,062 Hello? Hello, excuse me! 531 00:21:52,062 --> 00:21:54,189 Is this the train to JFK? 532 00:21:54,189 --> 00:21:55,648 What time is your flight? 533 00:21:55,648 --> 00:21:57,734 - Uh, four o'clock. - You'll never make it. 534 00:21:57,734 --> 00:21:59,694 (passenger speaking in German) 535 00:21:59,694 --> 00:22:02,697 (adventurous music) 536 00:22:14,959 --> 00:22:18,713 (adventurous music continues) 537 00:22:29,974 --> 00:22:33,728 (adventurous music continues) 538 00:22:56,876 --> 00:22:59,754 (adventurous music concludes) 539 00:23:02,757 --> 00:23:05,677 (fanfare) 540 00:23:05,677 --> 00:23:08,763 Captioned by Point.360