MEL: Galileo!
(Heavy Italian accent) Hey! Ciao, Margherita de' Medici!
This is, uh, Galileo with a cameo, aka a Galilameo.
This is f-from your father, the Grand Duke of Tuscany
and he wanted me to wish you
a happy birthday.
16 years old, which means that you can now get married
to the Duke of Parma.
And, uh, that's good for you
because they got the cheese money. (laughs)
Anyway, I hope it's a successful marriage
so that we can avoid a land war.
Please let your father know
that I make this message for you
so he can put in a good word with the Pope
and the Pope doesn't torture me
and stretch me out like string cheese,
bringing it back to the Duke of Parma.
Okay, much love and peace-a.
The leaning tower of. (mimics trumpet)
(theme music)
MEL: History of the World, Part Two.
(theme music)
MEL: Previously, on The Civil War...
No more alcohol.
You are ready to join me on a top secret mission.
We're going to West Virginia.
SHERIDAN: General Grant was last seen
heading towards Rock Ridge.
You three have been tasked with bringing him back here.
- TUBMAN: Hands up. - MASON: Good Gravy, it's Harriet Tubman!
We hate Yankees.
(guns cocking)
- Hachi-bachis, okay. - Oh, sh-
- (suspenseful music playing) - (townspeople chattering)
Well, well, well,
well, well, well, well.
- Ugh! - Ugh!
FLEETUS: Ulysses Grant
and Honest Abe Lincoln's son.
You picked the wrong saloon to have a drink at. (laughs)
(Fleetus grumbles indistinctly)
- What? - What'd he say?
I said have you got...
(grumbles indistinctly)
What are you saying?
He said, "You got any last words?"
- Oh! Oh, last words. Yes. (clears throat) - (Robert exhales sharply)
May God save and protect our union.
(townspeople jeering)
Yeah, that's right, eat shit.
What about you, little Lincoln boy?
So, you won't kill us until we're done talking?
Them the rules, boy.
Uh, and is that a hard and fast rule?
I always thought it was more of a guideline.
(gun firing)
- Oh! - (townspeople chattering)
Right in the kiss-kiss! Ooh-ah!
- Oh boy. - Dear God.
Okay. Yeah.
- Uh, okay. - Go on! Go on, boy.
Uh... (breathes deeply)
First of all, um, I'd like to thank my parents.
To Dad, You were always so tall.
And Mom, everybody thought you were nuts,
but really to me, you were just Mom.
(townspeople applauding)
Thank you. Not done yet.
Thank you. Thank you.
We made it! Rock Ridge!
MASON: It looked a lot different
in Blazing Saddles.
And, uh, to General Grant,
- the man sitting next to me. - Oh. no.
You are my hero. You are my mentor.
And now, you are my friend.
No. Ah, I'm gonna cry!
I'm gonna freaking cry. (chuckles)
It's them!
General Grant and R.T.?
Are they in trouble?
Oh my God, they're so far away!
MINGOS AND MASON: Turn it around.
Aah! They're gonna hang 'em!
Okay, okay, okay.
I think the only move here
is to get back on Harriet's train and go to Canada,
learn manners, get healthcare, pretend we like poutine.
MINGOS: Oh, I can't!
I can't pretend I like lukewarm cheese curds.
HONEYBEARD: There are no other options, Mingos!
Wait! I have an idea!
(Mason whispers indistinctly)
Oh!
(Mingos whispers indistinctly)
(inhales sharply) It's just us.
WOMAN (over phone): Tell me there's gravity
without telling me there's gravity.
Me, Galileo, I'll go first.
Ah! Oh, ah!
A-choo!
Aah! Mamma mia!
Hey, I'm flying!
Gravity not so real!
Oh, no, I'm falling again!
Why didn't I invent the parachute?
MEL: Shirley Chisholm.
ANNOUNCER: Previously, on Shirley...
Mr. Nixon, you've inspired me...
Well, great.
...to run for president!
REPORTER: Alabama governor and presidential candidate,
George Wallace is hospitalized after being shot.
This is terrible!
What do we do?
We celebrate.
I'm making a Manhattan.
♪ From Barbados to Brooklyn, then to DC ♪
♪ She's the first Black congresswoman ♪
♪ She's Shirley ♪
♪ It's been a long, hard road ♪
♪ But hope was never lost ♪
♪ 'Cause that girl Shirley's ♪
♪ unbought and unbossed ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪
- (audience applause) - ANNOUNCER: Shirley is brought to you
by the actual presidential candidate Shirley Chisholm
and filmed in front of a live Black audience.
♪
I need to go see Wallace.
What are you talking about?
Uh-uh, Shirley, now,
the press is swarming the hospital.
If you go visit that cuckoo Klux Klansman,
- your campaign is over! - (audience laughing)
But it's the Christian thing to do.
All right, th-that's it, that's it. Cut, cut!
Where's the director at?
What's going on now? Look, I know you guys have us
doing some crazy shit up in here,
but why in the world would Shirley
go visit George Wallace at the hospital?
Conrad, this is something that actually happened.
- Really? - Now, get your butt over here
and say your next line.
(audience laughing)
Action. All right, honey.
if you are going, I'm going with you.
Me, too!
- How about you, Mama? - I'm sorry.
- I can't hear you over the stirring. - (glass clinking)
(audience laughing)
♪
CONRAD: Did I really need to be disguised in a full body cast?
(audience laughing)
It doesn't even look like Conrad.
I ain't putting on that thing. I'm claustrophobic.
- (PA announcer chattering) - This must be him.
You two stay and guard.
Oh!
I see you're going to check on Governor Wallace.
Uh, yes, I'm going to check his...
...oil?
Well, then you wouldn't mind administering
his next dose of painkiller while you're at it.
Uh, you sure I should be doing this?
Yeah, it's the '70s.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm off to an interracial orgy
where everyone will have a huge bush.
(audience laughing)
(tense music playing)
ANNOUNCER: Shirley will be right back
after a bunch of cigarette commercials.
♪
I am Rasputin and this is the human cigarette.
(muffled groans)
(group chuckling)
(dynamite explodes)
Oh-ho! That did it!
Oh-ho-ho!
My bottom half's on fire!
Come on, guys, put out the fire.
Relax, comrade, we will give you golden shower.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh! Ooh! Oh!
Oh, not in my face, comrade!
MEL: Now, back to The Civil War.
ROBERT: Let's see, um, in the new, uh, bestseller-
I don't know if you guys have heard of this new thing,
it's called the dictionary.
Uh, Daniel Webster just wrote it.
Um, it defines honor as one who brings
- worth or respect or-- - (instrumental music playing)
Okay, yeah, uh, yeah, they're playing me off.
All right, I'm, I'm going.
Um, there are so many people I have to thank still.
Um, everyone at UTA,
Jared Levine, Jared Cohen, Jared Cohenstein.
- Okay, hey, hey, hey! - Billy Rosenberg, David Greenbaum,
- Matthew Greenfield, Tina Kwan. - Okay, all right, all right. That enough.
- We ain't got time for the Jew stuff. - Okay, I'm still talking.
- That's enough, little boy. - I'm still talking!
That's enough, little boy.
- Hang 'em! - Oh, boy. Okay.
Yeah, this is happening. This is happening right now.
Oh, they got a guy. They got a guy.
(trumpet playing)
Ladies and gentlemen, fresh from their stint in Europe,
please welcome the Confederate Players!
Let's bring up our emcee.
He's First Nation and first in your heart.
Give it up for Mingos!
(townspeople applauding)
- FLEETUS: Oh, boy. - MINGOS: Hi.
- (microphone feedback) -I'm, uh, I'm Mingos.
Uh, so I just came from St. Louis and, uh...
Oh wait, I was supposed to say St. Louis, Missouri
because this joke is about the Missouri Compromise and-
(grumbling) Oh, you suck, weirdo.
What, what?
He said, "You suck, weirdo."
(townspeople chattering)
Go. You got it. You're good.
Has anybody heard about this telegraph?
Ah, go back home, weirdo!
(townspeople chattering)
Y-You know, I would love to,
but a bunch of you colonizers
built an Ohio on top of my home.
(townspeople laughing)
I-I mean, if you're gonna genocide a people,
you should get something better out of it than Cleveland.
(townspeople laughing)
That is a good observation!
If your house is near a river you can't pronounce,
you might be a colonizer.
(townspeople laughing)
MASON: It's working, Mingos!
Did I just find my voice?
What else is going on, here?
Is anybody here from Atlanta?
(townspeople cheering)
Yeah?
Well, your shit's on fire.
(townspeople laughing)
Anyway, you guys have been a bunch of inbred demons
rotten to your core.
But please welcome the Dixie Dicks!
Dixie Dicks?
- MASON: You know what to do, Mingos. - MINGOS: On it!
(townspeople applauding)
- FLEETUS: Oh, yeah! - Nice, little music.
I like they do standup and then the music.
- Totally. We got a good view, too. - ULYSSES: Yeah, yeah.
Boy, I'll tell you what, it is good to be back in the South.
(townspeople cheering)
Yeah. We just got back from the North.
(townspeople jeering)
- (horse neighing) - (glass shattering)
Jesus Christ.
You were saying something, though, while we were leaving.
Oh, I sure was, partner.
What was that thing you were saying?
Well, Dix, I believe I said something like this.
♪ Well, I've traveled this great land of ours ♪
♪ And let me be the first ♪
♪ To say them Yankee states are among the greats ♪
♪ Of all time rotten worst ♪
♪ So fuck the North ♪
TOWNSPEOPLE: ♪ Fuck the North! ♪
♪ Fuck that godforsaken North ♪
♪ Come on, sing it loud and proud ♪
- ♪ Fuck the North ♪ - TOWNSPEOPLE: ♪ Fuck the North! ♪
♪ Massachusetts's filled with snooty pricks ♪
♪ New Jersey's a wretched hole ♪
♪ And them fat cat porkers they call New Yorkers ♪
♪ Disgust me to my soul ♪
♪ Well, let Maine fuck off to Canada ♪
♪ And I hope New Hampshire follows ♪
♪ And Illinois sucks great big donkey dicks ♪
♪ While Michigan sucks and swallows ♪
♪ So forgive the hateful bile that we spew forth ♪
♪ But we hate them fucking fuckers ♪
- ♪ Fuck the North ♪ - TOWNSPEOPLE: ♪ Fuck the North! ♪
This song is highly offensive.
Yeah, but you gotta admit it slaps.
ROBERT: It is a bop.
This is a fucking freak show.
HONEYBEARD: Time to save the day.
Mingos, we're running out of states to sing about.
MASON: ♪ Now, Wisconsin is a shithole ♪
♪ Filled with lowlifes, chumps, and cheese ♪
♪ And Minnesota reeks of Viking farts ♪
♪ Even when it's two degrees ♪
MASON: ♪ I say piss on Pennsylvania ♪
♪ With all them shaky quaky losers ♪
♪ And Indiana's worst of all ♪
BOTH: ♪ Just a bunch of goddamn Hoosiers ♪
- ♪ So fuck the North ♪ - TOWNSPEOPLE: ♪ Fuck the North! ♪
- BOTH: ♪ Yeah, fuck the lot ♪ - Yee-haw!
- HONEYBEARD: ♪ There ain't nothing worse ♪ - Hey!
HONEYBEARD: ♪ On God's green earth ♪
♪ than a goddamn Yankee twat ♪
♪ Yeah, up above that Mason-Dixon ♪
♪ They're all lowdown lying pricks and ♪
♪ It's a land of snobs and bambis ♪
♪ Dirty deviants sniffing panties ♪
♪ I say fuck them fuckin' fuckers ♪
- ♪ Fuck the North ♪ - ♪ Fuck the North ♪
Woo-hoo!
(townspeople cheering)
Thank you! We are three Union soldiers on a rescue mission!
(townspeople murmuring)
I mean... The Confederate Players.
- (guns cocking) - Crab apples!
Hey!
What the hell we got here?
I got him! He was trying to escape!
- Yeah? - Give me your gun.
Yeah, get him. You can walk-- Oh, no, hell, nah!
Dammit.
Hey, what's up familia? It's your boy Galileo.
Boy, that gravity bit went more viral
than syphilis at the Borgia orgy.
#Borgy, which I understand is now trending?
LOL!
But now that I have your attention,
I want to talk to you
about how the Earth revolve around the sun.
I can prove it with a little something called a telescope
You may not have heard of it because I just invented it.
(air horns blaring)
MEL: The Yalta Conference.
- History is told in pictures - (camera shutters clicking)
and no one took those pictures
like the famed historical photographer, Serge,
alongside his perpetual plus-one, Clay.
Watch him shoot Roosevelt, Churchill, and Stalin
as the three men try to end World War II.
STALIN: Please, Mr. Roosevelt,
Berlin is in our quarter of the country.
We will make sure it is safe, not to worry.
(laughing) And who, Joseph, will keep us safe from you?
- STALIN: You can always stay safe from me. - ROOSEVELT: He's got a point.
The one in the middle is driving me nuts!
- (Clay groaning) - (Serge scoffing)
SERGE: Like, he's just got a dumb suit like some
bozo finance bro.
- CLAY: Very bad. - What do I do with him?
This guy is useless.
I have an idea.
Cape!
- Cape! - CLAY: Mm.
SERGE: Oh, you've never cease to amaze me.
- Oh, my! - CLAY: Okay, come on.
You're so smart!
- CLAY: Ooh! Who's my big cape boy? - Uh, I, I am.
- (camera shutter clicking) - CLAY: Okay. (laughs) Daddy! (laughs)
- Oh! Oh, oh! - Yes!
- You saved the day. - STALIN: It looks good.
I-I will also take a cape.
No, you won't. You grabby bitch.
- STALIN: All right. - All right, everybody, come on! Smile!
Ugh, repulsive.
I gotta shake it up. Attention!
(group grunting)
At ease. Put your heads down.
- (camera shutter clicking) - Look left.
Look right. You're at a party.
You don't know anyone.
You're a little shy, but you still make eye contact.
Show me your pearly grays!
- (camera shutter clicking) - Oh, fuck, girl.
- Disgusting. Ew. - Look at that. So terrifying.
(Serge and Clay laughing)
You know what? We're gonna fly in some props. You're in a band!
Girls night!
Oh, Dancing Diva, what are you up to?
- Hi! - SERGE: Uh-oh! Winston, help her!
She's throwing up on the party bus!
You caught a fish!
- That's a big fish! - (camera shutter clicking)
Ugh, we'll just go with this one.
- GLAY: Yeah, it'll work. - Okay, I think we got it!
Thank you guys so much! This is so much fun.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
And hey, please, demilitarize Berlin.
They need to work on their club scene
Am I right, your basic slut? (laughing)
Please tell me you found me a matcha latte.
I had to go to the Starbucks in the supermarket to get it.
- Uh, excuse me. - Yes?
ROOSEVELT: Sorry to interrupt.
Do you shoot messy flag raisings?
Because we have something coming up in Iwo Jima.
Okay, you're embarrassing, but you're adorable.
Of course we'll be there! Obvi!
Baby, schedule some waxes,
we're going to the South Pacific!
Almost! Almost there!
CLAY: It's fabulous, daddy.
♪ Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪
MEL: Now back to Shirley Chisholm.
ANNOUNCER: Tonight, on a
very special episode of Shirley,
playing White racist Governor George Wallace,
is national treasure comedian George Wallace.
- (audience applauding) - Nurse! Nurse!
(audience cheering)
Nurse!
I am not your nurse.
Well, you sure as hell ain't my doctor.
The only medical professional you need
is an equine proctologist because you, sir,
are a horse's ass.
(audience laughing)
Oh, my God, it's Shirley Chisholm!
- Oh, lord, have mercy! Oh, oh, oh, oh! - (bed frame crashing)
Now you broke your bed.
This hospital is so cheap,
when I got my operation for anesthesia
the doctor just said, "Go to sleep!"
(audience laughing)
You come here to finish the job? You gonna kill me?
I'm not here to finish the job.
I'm here to say I'm sorry for what happened.
Well, I'm here as a racist White man with a gunshot wound.
Now, get your ugly ass outta here.
- (Wallace groaning) - (audience laughing)
A little prick for a big one.
(Wallace groaning)
Why, Shirley Chisholm, in all my years,
I have never, ever felt so groovy.
Well, now that you've gone from Jim Crow to Jim Morrison,
maybe you and I can have a real conversation, George.
You got any of those little, funny cigarettes, Shirley?
George, we need to change
the political discourse in this country.
America doesn't need more name calling and gun fights.
America needs strong leadership
and more television channels.
(audience laughing)
You know, Shirley, truth is
I'm scared.
AUDIENCE: Aw!
I'm scared of giving power to the people
that we've done so much harm to.
I'm scared that I'm not really superior to anybody.
And I'm scared of olives.
They look like little witch's eyes.
Look-y, look-y! I'm gonna get you and your little-
(audience laughing)
This is some good shit.
(audience laughing)
Just promise me one thing, Shirley.
Promise me no matter what happens,
we will always be friends.
I don't know about friends, George,
but let's not be foes.
- AUDIENCE: Aw! - (Wallace chuckling)
Uh, Dr. Chisholm, um, the press is here.
The press? I said, I said, did you say the press?
Oh, I can't be associated with you people.
Y'all go on and get outta here, okay?
Well, I guess the drugs wore off.
Wait. Before you leave,
would you be a dear and empty my bedpan?
Uh! If you think Congresswoman Shirley Chisholm
is gonna be your servant,
- you got another thing coming. - No, no, no, no, Flo.
It would be my pleasure.
Besides, it's the Christian thing to do.
Shit! Shit! (babbles)
- Lets' get outta here. - (Florynce laughing)
CONRAD: Oh! Who's there?
Where are you taking me? I hope to the food court!
I'll be performing
at the world famous Laugh Factory in Las Vegas.
You can go see the Blue Man
or you can come see the Black man.
(audience laughing)
♪ Ooh, ooh Shirley ♪
Ciao, familia, it's your boy, Galileo.
I know you have not heard from me for a while
and that's because I was arrested for heresy.
But the truth is nobody love the church more than me!
Some of my best friends, they're priests.
My two daughters, they are nuns.
#NunDad.
So I'm gonna go take some time away,
think about what I say.
I'm so sorry.
I-I don't mean any of it.
I want to reflect on what I did
and think about the gravity of talking about gravity.
And maybe one day I can come back
and just do goof-arounds like I used to do.
(air horns blaring)
That's it from me, Galileo.
To all of you I say, uh, peace-a.
Leaning tower of.
MEL: Now back to The Civil War.
(birds screeching)
ALL: Shit.
If you're about to hang a Native American,
you might be a colonizer.
You're shaking, sir. You nervous about dying?
Nope. Need a drink. Got the DTs.
By the way, great rescue mission.
Oh, thank you. That means a lot coming from you.
I'm joking. Look at us, we're fucked.
Yeah, you dirty Yankee dogs
are guilty of espionage and treason.
Plus that song you sang, that don't have a proper hook.
It's a new type of song, okay?
- Hang 'em! - (townspeople cheering)
Oh, shit. Dying sober. I'm dying sober.
Oh, this is the worst.
(drums playing)
(gun firing)
- (townspeople chattering) - ROBERT: What's going on?
We're escaping, that's what! Hyah!
- (horse neighs) - (adventurous music)
(gun firing)
Thought they was gonna save Grant without my help.
- (scoffing) Dumb asses. - (train whistle blowing)
I'm coming, I'm coming!
Hello? Hello, excuse me!
Is this the train to JFK?
What time is your flight?
- Uh, four o'clock. - You'll never make it.
(passenger speaking in German)
(adventurous music)
(adventurous music continues)
(adventurous music concludes)
(fanfare)
Captioned by Point.360