MEL BROOKS: The Oslo Peace Accords.
HANS: This is really historic.
We have agreed in principle
to a real and everlasting Peace Accord
between Israel and Palestine.
Now, if I could just get some general agreement noises
from the room, like just to sort of like a...
(group murmuring)
Good, good, and perfect. Good.
Thank you. That was just right.
Okay, now I'm gonna get this ready for the signings, yeah?
There's just one more thing, concerning who gets to claim
the homeland of hummus,
but we can iron that out afterwards, yeah?
(group murmuring)
This is not a small thing.
AMIR: We must settle on who created
hummus before we sign
or we can never have true peace.
- Of course. - This is very simple, really,
when you think about it, because Israel,
well, you know, created hummus.
(Amir chuckles)
I didn't realize I was watching Family Matters right now.
What are you talking about?
Oh, because you are like Steve Urkel,
in that you are making me laugh.
Did I do that? No.
My Palestinian ancestors did that.
What do you think the Jews were eating
in the desert for 40 years, Amir?
- Wet sand? - That's exactly how you
describe Israeli hummus.
- Fuck you, man. - Oh, fuck you.
Ooh!
Guys, guys, guys. Come on now.
We agreed, the only F word we're gonna use in this room
is friendship.
Go friendship yourself.
Excuse me, but, uh, make no mistake,
Egypt created hummus.
(group laughs)
Yes, of course.
I have heard enough, okay?
Because it is Greece who has invented hummus.
It's as Greek as naked wrestling.
And may I just say, Christos,
that the only thing the Greeks invented
was being a shitty little asshole.
- Oh, snap. - Everybody knows that
Turkey is the home of hummus.
Turkey is the home of hummus?
- ELIF: That's right. - Okay. This is rich, okay?
Because your country is called Turkey,
but you make absolutely no claim to that food.
- Don't want. Don't want it. - CHRISTOS: Okay.
What you should be called instead is Bullshit,
because that is all you make.
Please, please, no, no no. You guys.
And I think your country is called Greece
because your food is so greasy.
Oh, no! Spanakopita is oily, okay?
It's not greasy.
Hey, hey. Why don't we sit down, right?
- Why are we standing? - Of course. Of course.
There's no need to stand.
Guys. Guys, I don't even
know why we're discussing this.
To be honest, I put it in there as a joke.
It was just like a little funny thing before lunch.
- Lunch! - (group agreement chattering)
No. We are going to sign whatever the hell
you want us to sign and we're going to get the F out here.
Oh, yes! Wonderful! Yes, let's sign it, please?
- Oh god. - We'll just go to my place.
The Israeli embassy will have lunch.
CHRISTOS: Greek embassy lunch is on me.
ELIF: The Turkish embassy is open.
HANS: Or we can also just eat here
at the Norwegian embassy.
RIFKA: Fuck you.
Well, okay. It's more sheep's head
for me then, right? (chuckles)
(exciting music)
MEL BROOKS: History of the World, Part Two.
(theme music playing)
♪ From Barbados to Brooklyn, then to DC ♪
♪ She's the first Black Congresswoman ♪
♪ She's Shirley ♪
♪ It's been a long hard road ♪
♪ But hope was never lost ♪
♪ 'Cause that girl Shirley's unbought and unbossed ♪
-♪ Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪ - (audience cheers)
ANNOUNCER: Shirley! is filmed
in front of a live Black audience.
(theme song ends)
Wow. This place is so futuristic.
Well, that's 'cause for our anniversary,
I wanted to take you out of this world. (chuckles)
I'm talking hotel sex.
(audience laughs)
I promise, no work this weekend
no campaigning, no speeches, no candidate.
I am just your wife.
(chuckles) Alright.
- (Conrad clearing throat) - (audience laughs)
What about that jacket?
It's the only one I have with pockets.
(audience laughs)
Welcome to the Watergate Hotel.
Yes, reservation's under Chisholm.
I booked a room with a heart shaped bathtub
and a fireplace that roars.
Yes, it's in the notes.
We don't have that.
What? Come on now.
I made this reservation weeks ago.
Gloria?
The most famous feminist in the world?
Gloria!
Shirley Chisholm!
Are you here for our conference?
Am I?
Does a woman only make 56 cents
for every dollar a man makes?
(laughs) Oh, Shirley!
Of course I'm here for your conference, yeah!
Well, it's so great that you're here
and I will see you in Ballroom One.
Absolutely. I'll see you inside.
- Okay. - Twin beds?
Come on now. That's not cool.
- Shirley Chisholm. - (audience cheers)
Reverend Jesse Jackson!
Shirley, now you are a sister that is no nonsense.
I can only assume you are here for our conference.
(audience laughs)
Jesse, I am here and I got your back.
I came for your conference and yes, it is Black.
I cannot wait to share my ideas that are new.
I look forward to seeing you in Ballroom Number Two.
- Thank you. - (audience laughs)
Shirley, baby, I'm getting a bad vibe about this place.
- Let's just go home. - No, we can't.
We just started the farce.
- The farce? - I mean, the, the, the force.
The force of our love and romance.
- Just get the key! - (audience laughs)
Okay. All right. I'll take it. I'll take it.
ANNOUNCER: Coming up on the next episode of Shirley!
Flo, the feminists and the Black caucus are here at the Watergate.
I wanna get them both to endorse me.
I need you to bring me two different outfits.
While I'm downstairs, I need you to stay here
and keep Conrad in the bathtub.
CONRAD: Shirley, should I put on one of those mud masks?
It's all in the mole.
(mimicking Shirley) That sounds good, baby!
I got this, girl.
MEL BROOKS: Typhoid Mary.
Don't breathe on me, please.
(upbeat music)
Hey, it's me, Mary,
or as I'm known in some circles, Typhoid Mary.
And welcome to my cooking channel,
Eat, Drink, and be Mary.
Just to catch you up, I have been accused of giving typhoid,
a highly contagious and fatal disease spread through food,
to hundreds of people that I've cooked for.
Which, you know, while it's ridiculous,
I do appreciate the opportunity to create a brand.
Now, today we are going to be making
corned beef and cabbage, a classic Irish dish,
as traditional to Ireland as alcoholism and shame.
(coughs)
(sighs) Okay.
- So, before we get going... - (stomach gurgling)
- Uh-oh! - (Mary farts)
I got something cooking
and no, it's not in the oven.
It's in my pants.
- (Mary farts) - I gotta go have a shit.
Don't you go anywhere. Love you!
MEL BROOKS: And now, back to The Last Supper Sessions.
LUKE: ♪ Frogs and locusts, frogs and locusts ♪
♪ So in love ♪
MARK (heavy British accent): I think the whole thing
would work better lower.
JESUS (heavy British accent): Too high for me, mate.
How come Jesus isn't wearing any shoes?
Maybe you should be asking why you're wearing shoes.
- (guitar strumming) - Far out, man.
Ugh, this is so frustrating.
Nothing's working.
I think, respectfully,
you need to pick up your accent, mate.
You're from Nazareth.
Mm. No, I'm from North Carolina.
Nobody told me that when I signed up for this,
I had to have a Liverpoolian accent.
Are we dropping the accent?
- Yes! We're dropping the accent! - MARK: No.
- We're-- No. - Oh, thank god!
We're committing to the bit.
We're keeping the accent.
Lads, lads, lads, listen.
We're just in a bit of a rut.
We need a pick me up, that's all.
- Okay? - Is it possible
turn this goat milk to rose?
Mate, no.
THOMAS: (laughing) Hey, Jesus,
look who I found.
- LAZARUS: What's up, fellas? - Yes! It's Lazarus!
MARK: Whoa.
- JESUS: L! L! Lazarus! - (gasps) Lazzie!
I played with Laz out in Galilee.
- He's wild, man. Wild. - LUKE: Wild.
Hey, now that show was out of sight.
- (Lazarus and Jesus laughing) - MARK: Oh.
- (laughs) - Wow.
- (hands slapping) - Oh, wow.
Hey, where-- where's Judas?
LUKE: Uh, you know...
Judas left the band.
- Oh. - He did.
And so we're missing a whole
dimension of sound, you know?
JESUS: We really haven't spoke about it.
Why don't you play something for us, mate?
- LAZARUS: Me? - JESUS: Yeah, mate.
I mean, we'd love to have you, mate.
MARK: You could give us the extra
- dimension we're looking for. - JESUS: Yeah, mate.
Wow, yeah. I guess I could try something.
- I'll try something out. - See what it's all about.
- (lively keyboard) - JESUS: Bring us back from the dead, mate.
- MARK: Yes! - JESUS: Yes, wow!
It's good.
Pure butter.
ALL: ♪ Don't get me down ♪
JESUS: ♪ From the cross, yeah ♪
- (Mary Magdalene vocalizing) - ALL: ♪ Don't get me down ♪
JESUS: ♪ I came to die here for your sins ♪
ALL: ♪ Don't get me down ♪
(applauds)
- Hey, Jude. - JUDE: You know, I want you
to know, I had my come to Jesus moment and...
...told me to come back to Jesus.
JESUS: Of course, lad. You're forgiven.
Honk!
Honk if I love Jesus and I do.
MARK: Aw, they're friends again. There we go.
All right. So, have we decided where we're gonna play?
LUKE: Oh.
Why don't we just do it on the bloody roof?
It'd be great for my hair, wouldn't it?
Your hair would look great.
Your hair would look problematic.
- Yeah. - MARK: All right then.
- All right. - Look at my man, Judas.
It's the end of the session.
(Mary grunting)
MARY: Oh, that's straight water.
There's no substance to that at all.
It just fell right after there.
Oh!
(Mary farting)
I don't have any toilet paper.
I'll get this guy right here.
Ah, resourceful!
(Mary grunting)
Oh!
♪ Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪
REV. JESSE JACKSON: The White politicians continue to fuck us
and that's why we started our own Black political caucus.
- (audience laughs) - That's "fauk-us".
- Jesse! - Shirley!
What's happening, Jesse? Gimme five!
Black inside!
Down low.
You're too slow!
(audience laughs)
So, as a member of the Black community,
I was hoping that I would get your support in the election.
Well, maybe you will,
if you give a speech at the podium.
- Pig in a blanket? - Not for me.
Too much sodium.
(audience laughs)
How do you do that?
Doesn't matter. Why don't we do it right now?
I'd love to hear you speak.
Uh, that would be fun, but you cannot take the podium
until Mr. Charlie Rangel is done.
(audience laughs)
(Conrad scatting)
(audience laughs)
Did you lock up either endorsement?
Not yet.
(audience laughs)
I'm telling you, a song
would really win them over.
No, no.
No song,
- no gimmicks, no catchphrases. - Oh.
You can Shirley count on that.
(audience laughs)
So, how's it going with Conrad?
CONRAD: Shirley, who are you talking to?
BOTH: Nobody, baby!
(audience laughs)
CONRAD: You better be getting ready
'cause I am shaving myself clean in here.
(audience laughs)
You owe me for this.
(mimicking Shirley) Oh, that's good, baby.
I love you silky smooth.
(audience laughs)
ALL (chanting): Burn, baby, burn! Burn, baby, burn!
Burn, baby, burn!
(crowd cheers)
Yes, yes, yes! Shirley!
Yeah, so Gloria, are you ready to take
that photograph now for the magazine?
You know what, in a few minutes
because right now we're burning our bras.
Oh, well, uh, uh, count me in.
- Yes! - (crowd cheers)
- That smells like freedom! - Yes.
- Ah! - (crowd cheers)
Um, so how long does this take?
The D-cups take about four minutes
and the B-cups about two minutes.
Okay. I would say this is like a C average room,
- so three minutes. Got it. - GLORIA: Okay.
- (audience laughs) - GLORIA: Yes, throw them in, women!
Throw them in!
(crowd cheers)
(tense music playing)
(door closes)
(audience laughs)
Write this down.
We want James Brown.
(audience laughs)
I don't wanna push, I'm not gonna preach
but I'm going up there and giving a speech.
I want you up there
for the boasts you will earn,
but I'm sorry to say,
it is Ron Dellum's turn.
Ron Dellum!
Dammit!
(audience laughs)
- Now are we making it a walk or a march? - (Shirley coughs)
Oh! Oh, Shirley.
You changed?
Yes.
Oh! Um... (chuckles)
Burning that bra felt so good,
I just burned the rest of my outfit.
- (audience laughs) - Can we please take that picture now?
Yes, everyone! Photo with presidential candidate, Shirley Chisholm.
Get in here, Bella.
Let's do it. Let's go. Here we go.
- (fire alarm rings) - Oh, my-- Oh, fire!
- Fire! Everyone, get out! - (crowd screaming)
Let's just-- Let's take the picture first!
Come back! Let's take--
Ladies, let's take-- Let's take the picture first!
If we don't take the photo, the men win!
(audience laughs)
(fire alarm continues)
This is my best bra!
(audience laughs)
ANNOUNCER: Shirley! will be back
after some commercials starring OJ Simpson.
MEL BROOKS: The Mongolian Empire.
Kublai Khan controlled more land than any person
in The History of the World, Part Two.
But as the saying goes, behind every great man
is 10,000 women.
(upbeat music)
CHABI: I'm Chabi. I'm not a wife of Kublai Khan.
I'm his number one wife.
EHRI: I'm Ehri,
and in Xanadu, you Xana-don't wanna cross me.
NAMBUI: My name is Nambui
and I'm grateful for the Khan.
Now my parents have fresh meat to eat everyday.
CRYSTAL: I'm Crystal, and these other concs don't scare me
because I'm from Beverly Hills.
KAYLA: I'm Kayla.
KAYLAH: And I'm Kaylah.
BOTH: And we're double the fun and double the trouble.
(sheep bleating)
ALL: And we're the Real Concubines,
and we're the Real Concubines,
and we're the Real Concubines of Kublai Khan.
Welcome to The Real Concubines of Kublai Khan reunion.
- (sheep bleats) - I'm your host, Andy Kahn.
We have a great show tonight.
Kublai Khan has so many wives
and we have so little time, so I wanna jump right into it.
- Chabi. - Hey, Andy.
Recently you and Ehri have had a little drama.
There's no drama, Andy.
My son is 100% heir to the throne.
- The Oracle confirmed it. - Nope.
And Ehri is just freaked out because she's insecure
about her relationship with our husband.
Ha! Well, you know what they say.
- Oracles are for Whore-acles. - (concubines gasp)
You know, Kublai calls you his number two for a reason.
You stink like a pile of dung.
You don't know what Kub says or does to me
the two minutes a week we're together.
Two minutes? Only two minutes? I get four.
Now, this is not the first time
Chabi and Ehri have gone at each other.
Everyone agrees the craziest moment of the season
was the Festival of the Blood Moon Charity Gala.
Let's take a look.
How dare you bring your son here?
This is my son, Travis's, first Blood Moon festival.
You know what? It just so happens that this is also my son,
who's also named Travis's, first Blood Moon Festival.
So you need to back off.
And you get that stinking finger outta my face.
I swear to God, I don't know where it's been.
It's stinking 'cause it's been up our husband's ass(beep).
And maybe if yours had been,
your son would be the actual heir.
- (crowd gasps) - What's up, ladies?
Daddy's home!
(Chabi and Ehri yelling)
Oh, shit.
- (censor beeping) - (sheep bleating)
(Chabi and Ehri yelling)
I am the mother of the spawn of Kublai Khan, bitch!
You look like a fool.
- You look like a fool. - You look like a fool!
- (sheep bleats loudly) - Shut the (beep) up!
- Flopsy, Flopsy, stop! - Bitch, I could have taken you!
- (censor beep) - (Chabi and Ehri yelling)
- I'm sure you're a virgin. - I'm a virgin?
- I have a son! - ANDY: Hey, ladies sit down.
- (censor beeps) - Everyone stop. Everyone stop.
Ladies, that clip did give us one of the biggest memes
of the season.
It's been rewoven over ten times!
I wanna talk to the manager.
I am the manager.
Amazing.
Nambui, what about you? Are you Team Chabi or Team Ehri?
You know, I have to say, I liked it better
when we were all a team, you know?
All of us concs have a bond,
or as I call it, a concu-bond.
(voice breaking) You know what?
You are so right.
And I have so lost sight of that.
(voice breaking) Me too. Like, you guys are my sister-in-laws.
- Like, you're actually my sister wives. - KAYLA/KAYLAH: Aww.
- (Ehri sobs) - ANDY KAHN: Crystal, I gotta say.
I've never seen you cry before.
I'm not crying about them.
I'm crying because the Italian marble for my Malibu ran out.
(voice breaking) It's on back order.
CONCUBINES: (gasping) Aww.
Well, this one ended on a really sweet note.
Before we wrap things up,
does anyone have a small business they wanna promote?
- (sheep bleating) - Okay, all of you.
Uh, Chabi?
Thank you, Andy.
I am so excited to announce that my new hat line,
Shy by Chabi, is dropping soon.
It's perfect for the nomadic but sassy lifestyle.
That's great. When are they coming out?
September.
Summer, Spring. Spring.
How about you, Ehri?
I am so thrilled to announce
the drop of my new alcohol brand,
Skinny Kahn Margaritas.
- Zero sugar, zero drama. - (beads rattle)
Bitch, you better tell your hat to shut the (beep) up!
ALL: We're the Real Concubines of Kublai Khan.
MARY: Step... (coughs) three.
I'm going to take my cabbage,
and I never use a knife.
I always use my fingers to tear it up.
If you get any little bits of cabbage
under your fingernails, well don't you worry.
You just pick it out and throw them in the pot.
It all ends up in the same place anyway, the toilet.
(coughing)
(retching)
♪ Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪
(audience applauds)
SHIRLEY: I, I didn't plan any of this,
but when I saw you two were here tonight,
I had to try to get both of your endorsements.
Baby girl, we love and support you.
We just can't endorse you.
(audience laughs)
REV. JESSE JACKSON: This is also true for us.
We think you're great.
It's just too much fuss.
- (audience laughs) - It's 1972.
Don't you wanna see a Black woman as president?
We definitely want a woman.
Just, one that can win, like George McGovern.
(audience laughs)
And we definitely want a Black person.
Can't you see?
But just, maybe a Black man,
someone like me.
(audience laughs)
Love your fro, but we gotta go.
Okay, bye!
AUDIENCE: Aww.
- Shirley Saint Anita Hill Chisholm. - (audience laughs)
Looks like I figured out the mystery of the lying wife.
(audience laughs)
Conrad in a robe in a hotel with my best friend?
How could you?
Oh, stop it! He knows!
I'm sorry, Conrad.
I got all caught up in the campaign
and then they started burning the bras
and it set off the fire alarm.
Oh, I, I pulled the fire alarm.
Conrad was about the come out the bathtub naked.
I panicked.
(audience laughs)
That's only because I bring the heat.
This weekend was supposed to be all about our anniversary
and instead, I made it all about me and my job.
AUDIENCE: Aww.
It's okay, honey.
You know what they say.
Politics makes for strange bedfellows.
Speaking of, why don't we go upstairs
and turn up your heat?
Ooh, there we go.
And this is turning my stomach.
Where's that damn window?
(audience laughs)
I love you, Conrad Chisholm.
- AUDIENCE: Aww. - Excuse me?
Sorry, I'm looking for the Democratic National Committee.
CONRAD: Oh, well, you're at the Watergate Hotel.
You want the Watergate office building.
It's down the hall, out the exit, and across the alley.
Thanks. Walk this way, boys.
(audience laughs)
Did they look suspicious?
No, I'm a private investigator.
There's nothing suspicious about that.
♪ Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪
MEL BROOKS: And now, for the conclusion of
The Last Supper Sessions.
- (crowd murmuring) - (light bass playing)
MARK: Let's see what we got here.
So, we're on the roof then.
(instruments tuning)
WOMAN: Hi, Mary!
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪
You know, the acoustics up here are actually very lovely.
- ♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪ - Now, look mate. It's loo-vely. Loo-vely.
Let me try that. Ooh, ooh. Fuck yourself.
Oh. (grumbling)
JESUS: All right, lads. Are we ready?
Let's do this, babies.
One, two, three, four.
- (electricity crackles) - MARK: Oh, no!
- Peter, what the shit? - LUKE: Don't touch me.
It's not the wiring!
Help him out, lad. He got zapped.
Help him, Jesus. Help him.
And rise.
(gasping) Let's do this, babies.
- Praise Jesus! - MARK: Jesus has brought
Lazarus back from the dead!
Lyric Boy, where are you?
MARK: We need the lyrics to sing the song.
Lyric Boy, come on.
- LYRIC BOY: Here you go. - Okay, ready boys?
One, two, three.
(rock music plays)
♪ Lovely Lucy was the Pharaoh's daughter ♪
♪ Pushing camels through a needle's eye ♪
♪ Her chance of heaven was slim ♪
♪ So she cashed it all in ♪
- ♪ Now she got a taste for humble pie ♪ - I love you, Jesus!
♪ She said give back ♪
♪ Give back ♪
♪ Girl, you can't take it with you ♪
♪ Might as well give it back Give back ♪
- All right, make way. - ♪ Come on, give back ♪
Let's go. Clear out. Heads up.
♪ If you wanna get to heaven ♪
♪ Better give back ♪
(crowd cheers)
(music continues)
It's Jesus and his Apostles.
They're ruining the bloody bazaar.
How am I supposed to sell me dried donkey cock?
♪ Give back, give back ♪
♪ Give something back ♪
Come on, boys. Let's go deal with it.
♪ She said give back, give back ♪
♪ Can't just be a taker ♪
- (crowd cheering) - ♪ Gotta give something back ♪
♪ Give back, come on, give back ♪
♪ If you wanna get to heaven ♪
♪ Gotta give back ♪
COPICUS: All right, let's go. We're done here.
That's about enough of this.
And so the song has come to its natural conclusion.
- MARK: Whoa, whoa. - LUKE: Hey, what the--
- MARY MAGDALINE: Jesus! - MARK: Whoa, what's all this?
MARK: Hey! What is going on?
Huh? Judas never showed up. Weird.
(crowd booing)
Pleasure doing business with you.
I feel like a bit of a traitor, to be honest.
You know who's a traitor is fucking Tom Brady
and Johnny Damon and Babe Ruth.
All fucking traitors, all fake like this fucking set.
Look at this, this supposed to be a street?
It's a fucking carpet.
Man, I, I really don't know how you got on set,
but I'm just tryna,
- we're just trying to do our job. - Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I ruining your little student film here?
- Is that what's happening? - No, this is History of the World,
Part Two for Hulu.
- Mel Brooks, you ever heard of him? - Yeah, I heard--
There's no way that Mel Brooks is a part of this.
Where's Crafty?
I need a fucking warmer for my Dunkin.
- (beep) - (rock music)
(rock music continues)
(fanfare)
Captioned by Point.360