(bright upbeat music)
MEL BROOKS: The Fall of the Berlin Wall.
(crowd cheering)
ANNOUNCER: People here have been living
with the wall since 1961.
And now it's time to break the wall down, you know.
Smash harder, Hans, the other side of his wall is freedom.
- A new life for us awaits. (laughs) - Yeah.
- Hans, I have to tell you something. -Ja.
- I'm pregnant. - What?
With your child.
- Mine? - Yes.
But how?
With your penis.
My God, that's amazing.
Our baby will be born in a free world.
- With blue jeans on. - (both laughing)
- (Hans grunting) - Oh.
(grunting) On the other side of this wall
there will be McDonald's everywhere.
GRETA: What a momentous day.
(both laughing)
Wrong wall.
- Uh, oh, so sorry. - Oh.
No, no, that happens all the time.
- Sorry. - Auf Wiedersehen!
Oh no.
(theme music playing)
MEL BROOKS: History of The World, Part two.
MEL BROOKS: The Story of Jesus: The Council of Nicaea.
In the year 325, the church gathered
their most powerful bishops at the Council of Naicea
in order to solidify the story of Jesus.
Their goal to make the Bible an international blockbuster.
Now we are very familiar with the story of Jesus
so let's just jump right into it. How about that?
- Great. - ANTONIA: Okay.
So based on these marketing materials
what do we think about this guy?
Ah, yeah, the J-man.
That's why we're all here, right?
- I loved him. Loved him. - ANTONIA: Loved him.
- BISHOP 2: He was great. - Yeah, totally, really good.
To be honest, there was something a little off about him.
- ANTONIA: Oh. - Yeah, He wasn't totally relatable
- to me personally. - BISHOP 1: Mm.
- Yeah. - Say more.
His whole thing is being good and fair, right?
So maybe like he should be fair and fair skinned.
- Hmm? - I just wanna make sure I'm, uh,
getting this right.
You want Jesus to be White?
- BISHOP 1: Huh. - No, that's not what I'm saying.
Don't you put words in my mouth, lady.
I wasn't thinking that at all. But now that you say it.
- I didn't say it. - I do think that would be worth trying.
I think it really makes a lot of sense.
Yeah, that was a great idea of yours.
You know, you should really give it a try.
Everyone just keeps saying it's my idea.
It's not my idea.
- Give it a shot. - That was a great idea.
What did we think of his message?
I mean, the message is great, but he seemed kind of wimpy.
- Wimpy? - BISHOP 1: Yeah, I mean,
he's the son of God,
but he let them kill him.
I mean, didn't his dad teach him Krav Maga
or some shit. Like... (grunting)
Okay, I'm trembling
If I was Jesus there's no way I'd let that shit happen to me.
- I would fuck those Jews (laughing) up. - (chuckling)
- Always fuck up the Jews, yeah. - Yeah.
Well, oh, uh, you mean the Romans, right?
What?
You know, it's a great point.
Who are the bad guys in this story?
- Right? - Yeah. I think it's better
if there's just one bad guy.
- I agree. - Yes.
- ANTONIA: Okay, okay. - Yes.
Would you guys rather have the villains be
- the Jews or the Romans? - ALL: Jews.
- Oh. - Make them the Jews, for sure.
- Yeah. - Th-they run everything.
- You wanna blame them for that? - BISHOP 1: Yes.
- Okay. - BISHOP 2: Before we go any further
can we do the collection basket? Think that's--
Oh yes, of course.
Here we go.
Yes, yes, yes.
- Great, this looks nice. - BISHOP 3: Right?
BISHOP 1: Mangia, mangia.
- What do we have here? - Oh, you're just...
Money, money, money, I want that money.
- Hey, hey, don't bogart that basket, pal. - Alright, alright, alright.
- (bishops laughing) - ANTONIA: Oh my God, you're all
gonna roast in hell,
every single one of you.
Let's talk about Mary Magdalene.
That really scares me.
- Ooh. - BISHOP 3: Oh, so hot.
That was the mom, right?
Nope, the other Mary.
Is that confusing that there's two Marys?
- Yeah, very. Very. - I missed that.
Oh, you did? So maybe we should change it up.
Do you have a name you prefer for the other Mary?
I don't even know if I know any other women's names.
I do have one idea, just to give her a little texture.
- Yes. - BISHOP 1: It's the year 325.
Let's give her a job.
I love this.
I would just make her a prostitute.
- Oh. - BISHOP 1: I think that's good.
- BISHOP 2: Love that. - I'm saying that as
a father of daughters. I think it's a good thing.
Honestly, not to pat ourselves on the back
but I do think we're, uh, being pretty progressive
giving Mary a career, right?
Yes, that is the first word I think of
when I think of all of you, is progressive.
- We're breaking the stained glass ceiling. - BISHOP 1: Yep.
ANTONIA: You know what? I am gonna get all these good thoughts
to the pope. He's gonna confer with God.
And then we are gonna have a brand new version
of Christianity coming soon.
If you do see the Pope, please tell him I said hi. He's a friend.
Oh no, he'd never talked to me 'cause I'm a woman.
(light drum music playing)
MEL BROOKS: Teddy Roosevelt.
ANNOUNCER: Tired of your pals calling you a panty waist.
Gone from fab to flab?
Then scrooch up
- with America's most -(eagle screeching)
hard boiled president.
- (light fixture dinging) - Not that one.
We're talking about the war hero, boxing champ,
- big game hunting, wilderness exploring, - (horse neighing)
kept giving a speech after getting shot,
26th presidents of these United States,
- Teddy Roosevelt... - (Roosevelt groaning)
It's your boy T-Rose,
the trust buster and the gut buster.
And I'm here to get you absolutely shredded.
ANNOUNCER: ...with a brand new series of phonographs
for aerobic athletics
and calisthenics
where you'll learn to
build muscle,
Roosevelt muscle look.
(Roosevelt groaning)
ANNOUNCER: Burn fat.
I'm not much of a cardio boy,
but you need to get a sweat going.
So grab your big stick, swing it all around
and give it seven to 800 swings
or until your rotator cuff turns to chutney.
ANNOUNCER: Self defense.
Find a monopolist...
- Hello, sir. - Oh.
...and then you want to best him physically.
What's that now? (groaning)
Your days of hoarding copper are over.
ANNOUNCER: But wait, there's more, telegraph now
and get volume two T-Rose's gut buster double trouble,
featuring the president's own workout partner, Neville.
Neville, how many Australians have you killed?
Australians, several.
(both laughing)
ANNOUNCER: But wait, there's more.
Order now and get the President's secret
post fitness tonic for free.
We have lard butter, clotted cream, a little bit of suet
and the blood of one plump rooster for iron and for flavor.
Here we go.
- Hmm. Oh. - (stomach gurggling)
- ANNOUNCER: Order now. - Aah!
ANNOUNCER: Only 33 cents
plus shipping and processing.
♪ From Barbados to Brooklyn, then to DC ♪
♪ She's the first Black congresswoman ♪
♪ She's Shirley ♪
♪ It's been a long, hard road but hope was never lost ♪
♪ 'Cause that girl Shirley's unbought and unbossed ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪
(audience cheering)
ANNOUNCER: Shirley! is brought to you by
the actual presidential candidate Shirley Chisholm
and filmed in front of a live Black audience.
(70s funk music playing)
CONRAD: Oh, oh man. I can't wait to get to Miami.
I'm gonna have myself a daiquiri and do the samba.
And support your wife at the Democratic National
Convention in hopes of her being elected president.
Yeah, and that too.
(audience laughing)
Hey, is that mole on your face moving around?
- What mole? - CONRAD: The mole right here.
Conrad, keep your eyes on the road.
FLORYNCE: Shirley, I know you wrote a speech,
but have you considered the song that I--
I'm not doing a damn song.
(audience laughing)
Oh, look, it's your old spot. Should we stop?
BOTH: Shut up, Conrad.
(audience laughing)
Shut up, audience.
(70s funk music playing)
(crowd cheering)
Good evening ladies and gentlemen.
This is a Howard Cosell impression reporting live
from a Democratic National Convention.
The stars are certainly out in Miami tonight.
(Shirley scoffing)
They stuck us in the loser section.
FLORYNCE: Mm-hm.
No, they didn't Look, there's Rosa Parks.
- Where? - Excuse me, hi, hi.
I am so sorry, are, are, are you Rosa Parks?
Yes.
I'm so sorry, I-I think you're in my seat.
(audience jeering)
I'm not doing this shit again.
(audience laughing)
It might take me a while to get to the stage
but once they hear my speech,
- Mm. Mm-hm. - it will be worth it.
Hi Shirley, sorry, Muskie ran along with his impression
so we had to cut your speech.
But thank you for stopping by.
AUDIENCE: Aww!
I thought we had a chance to win
but clearly they didn't take me or my campaign seriously.
Well, Shirley, baby, they may not take you seriously,
- but we do. - Mm-hm.
And we are here for you no matter what.
- CONRAD: Mm-hm. - Mm-hm.
It means so much that you're sticking by my side.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Is, is that Diana Ross?
- (audience laughing) - Miss Ross, Miss Ross.
Those other supremes ain't shit.
As long as my husband is with me, I'll be fine.
I'm sorry baby.
It's okay.
No, I'm sorry. There's a churro guy down there
and I've always wanted to have a churro.
Amigo, right over here. Hola!
Well, I guess I won't be needing the speech anymore.
MUHAMMAD ALI: Shirley Chisholm.
Oh, now what?
(bell rings)
Mohamed Ali.
Wait, oh yeah, that's me.
And you are someone I greatly admire.
- Really? - (audience laughing)
So when are you getting up there?
Apparently never champ.
Might be time for me to throw in the towel.
In this country you can do anything you set your mind to.
Except dodging the draft, you will go to jail for that.
So get up off the mat.
Just go up there and tell 'em who you are.
Well, I am who I am.
I am unbought and unbossed.
- (audience cheering) - That's it.
That's it. Now get up there and tell them that.
All right. Thanks champ.
- Knock 'em dead. - (crowd cheering)
Hey,
you're the fellow that kicked Rosa Parks outta her seat.
Uh, well, well, it's just
- that I'm an a-aisle guy. - Yeah.
I'ma need to see you in the parking lot.
- (audience laughing) - Come on.
(upbeat music)
- (tense music playing) - (vocalizing)
ANNOUNCER: In a world where greed is good
and God is as good as dead.
Jesus is gathering his forces,
he's becoming more powerful.
SOLDIER: Cancel him, Judas.
ANNOUNCER: Bear witness to the journey of a man
who's run out of cheeks to turn.
Jesus, the apostles need you for one last mission.
Mark, my savior days are over.
You know who else's days are over, John the Baptist.
Dad dammit.
ANNOUNCER: A journey that took him
from the mother he loved.
MOTHER MARY: Son, this was your father's.
I never knew my father.
Neither did I.
Because you're a virgin, right mommy?
Oh yeah.
Totally a virgin, yeah.
Never had sex.
ANNOUNCER: And the love he could not return.
Mary Magdalene, I came to check on you
and make sure you're safe.
I'm safe now that you are here.
- I can't. - But I won't hurt you,
even though I'm a prostitute.
Who's also the best computer hacker in Jerusalem.
The Romans are 30 clicks away and moving fast.
I'll be back
in three days.
Vamonos.
(vocalizing prayer)
That other guy here the whole time?
It's fucking creepy.
Apostles assemble.
- ("Back In Black" by AC/DC playing) - ANNOUNCER: It's Jesus
as our White God intended.
Blonde, blue-eyed and fucking ripped.
MONEYLENDER: Get lost Jesus.
We're lending money in a temple at exorbitant rates.
Oy, gevalt!
(attack cry)
(rock music continues)
Ha...
...llelujah.
(birds cawing)
ANNOUNCER: And when all is lost...
Goodbye.
("Back In Black" by AC/DC resumes)
...a new type of hero is found.
Miss me?
You're alive.
I came back because I left something.
What?
Your sins.
(medallion powering up)
ANNOUNCER: This Christmas,
get saved or go to hell.
JC Resurrection.
Wow, Jesus is busing.
You're right, He is busing.
Jesus action figure.
This is the best toy in The History of the World, Part Two.
Pew, pew, pew.
(all laughing)
That's it.
- Are you kidding me? - That's the money.
- I feel like I don't need to ask, - Wow.
but I will anyway, how's everyone feeling
about this new version of Christianity?
Oh wow, I mean, I love that.
I mean, we got ourselves a franchise here.
A-And it's a four quadrant movie for sure.
BISHOP 2: Yeah.
Think of the merchandising opportunities alone.
- Also, uh, kind of hot, right? - Oh my God.
He was hot, he was jacked, he was Caucasian,
he was just like me.
Totally relatable.
Well, I guess we gave you everything you wanted.
It's always great when it works out for
White men in power. (chuckles)
Yeah, it really is.
It really is.
I don't know how I'll sleep at night,
but it's fine.
Oh, and don't forget
to get your items from the hat check
on your way out. Okay?
BISHOP 2: Oh, lost my ticket. I don't have my ticket,
but I have-- It's that one right there.
- And this is yours. - And this is yours.
- And this here.
- And this is yours. - And this is yours.
- Okay.
- This is yours. - My mistake.
- And this is yours. - And this is yours.
- Okay.
- And, oh, that's not mine. - That's mine.
- No. You have mine right there.
- That's mine. That's mine. - There it is. Okay.
- BISHOP 3: And may I get my staff please? - BISHOP 1: That's mine.
I wish I could tip, but I only have big stuff
so I'll get you next time.
♪ Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪
(crowd cheering)
COSELL IMPERSONTOR: It looks like the big winner
is the motor from South Dakota.
It's over. It's over.
But wait, what do we have here?
Miss Chisholm.
Outta my way, Monday night goofball.
(audience laughing)
Ouch.
Good evening delegates.
Thank you for having me.
(indistinct chattering)
Can you hear me?
All right, let's try this.
One, two, three, four.
(upbeat music playing)
Mm. Hit me!
Woo! Can you feel it?
- This is wildly out of character - SHIRLEY: Alright.
for my wife.
♪ This country needs some disruption to the corruption ♪
♪ Too much corruption ♪
♪ That White House could use some Black to cure it's blues ♪
SINGERS: ♪ Ooh-ho-ho-ho ♪
♪ In the ass we're gonna kick it ♪
♪ With this sister on the ticket ♪
♪ Come get with Mama Shirley and you can't lose ♪
SINGER: ♪ And you can't lose ♪
♪ I'm fed up with all the jive and exploitation ♪
♪ Let them threaten, let them bully ♪
- ♪ I don't scare ♪ - ♪ She don't scare ♪
♪ I don't play nobody's fool ♪
♪ I take them White boys all to school ♪
♪ They don't give me a seat at the table ♪
♪ I'm gonna bring a folding chair ♪
- ♪ She's unbought, and unbossed ♪ - SINGER: ♪ Unbought ♪
♪ I'm incorruptible ♪
- ♪ Unvarnished, and unglossed ♪ - SINGER: ♪ Unvarnished ♪
♪ I'm indestructible ♪
- ♪ She's unbought, and unbossed ♪ - SINGER: ♪ Unbought ♪
♪ Yeah, that's right ♪
♪ I won't relax, I won't relent ♪
♪ I'm gonna be the first Black woman ♪
♪ President ♪
(audience cheers and applause)
Thank you, delegates.
Get on the Chisholm Express '72.
(theme music playing)
♪ Unbought and unbossed ♪
(laughing) Ooh-woo.
Oh, Mom, you made me a cake.
Oh no, baby.
That's store bought.
You came in fourth.
(audience laughing)
I thought I was gonna get to do a musical number.
I've been pitching that for four episodes.
(audience laughing)
But you know what baby, don't feel bad.
You did great
and we got a free trip to Miami out of it.
And you know what?
You have opened up doors for generations to come.
Oh, Conrad, that's the dumbest shit you ever said.
(audience laughing)
And that's saying something.
Oh, come on now.
No, but really baby, you didn't win
but you opened doors for generations to come.
- Oh mama. - (Ruby laughing)
AUDIENCE: Aww!
Fuck that, man. I just said that.
BOTH: Shut up, Conrad.
(audience laughing)
Shut up, Conrad. (laughing)
(laughing) Okay, okay, okay.
You know what? Fuck y'all.
Only reason I did this TV show
was to help out your campaign.
And all I do is get treated like shit, man I'm outta here.
I'm gonna do my own TV show.
You know what, it is gonna be about something I care about.
It's gonna be about law and order.
Now, I don't know what I'm gonna call it
but it's gonna have a cool transition, like,
♪ Dun dun ♪ And this gonna be the best.
The best.
A black woman would become president
before that show ever works.
(audience laughing)
Can I have a piece of cake before I go?
Fuck you.
(audience laughing)
MEL BROOKS: Wait, where are you going?
Coming soon.
Don't miss History of The World, Part Two: season two.
See... The Great Fascist Bake Off.
JUDGE: Idi Amin, your cake fell flat mate.
I thought killing the other contestants
would give me an edge.
But there are no shortcuts in baking.
MEL BROOKS: See... The Dust Bowl.
- (newsreel running) - REPORTER: And it's a fumble,
Oklahoma recovers
or maybe Kansas does.
And they take it to the 10,
to the five, touchdown Kansas
or Oklahoma, who knows?
I can't see shit, it's too dusty.
MEL BROOKS: See... Jews in (echoing) Space.
SERGEANT BOROWITZ: Captain Mudman, we're in a bit of a pickle.
I know, it's a real half sour.
Lieutenant Silverman give us a status update.
I'm single but looking.
Well, we're doing an event in the JCC Saturn this weekend.
- Ooh. - I know there'll be a
wonderful guy there for you.
But I mean the status update on the ship.
Oh, I can't operate anything until sundown
which in space who can tell.
Best I do nothing.
Fair enough, Borowitz, report.
Captain, the weapon system is locked and loaded.
But I got no schmear.
What? Joot!
I am Joot.
You were supposed to bring the cream cheese.
I am Joot.
I don't understand.
The deli was closed yesterday.
(groans) Dr. Kaufmanberg, do you have the results
of my colonoscopy?
Yes, captain, it is not good.
You have ass-teroids.
Oh, no ass-teroids.
Wait, Wanda, can you be on this sketch?
I'm an executive producer.
- Oh, okay, so you're basically Jewish. - Mm.
Captain, we're being boarded.
Hopefully by a doctor.
At this hour? Dayenu.
Okay, uh, Dr. Kaufmanberg you want to...
I know, I know.
I go first.
- Thank you, doctor. - Thank you
(power sizzling)
(gasps) It's the most powerful Jewish person in the universe,
Jesus Christ.
MEL BROOKS: Well, the second most powerful.
Also, I brought cream cheese.
- (all cheering) - SCHMUCK: Oh, it's Mel Brooks.
SARAH SILVERMAN: Oh, he looks great.
(theme music playing)
♪
(fanfare)
Captioned by Point.360