1 00:00:01,792 --> 00:00:02,959 (bright upbeat music) 2 00:00:02,959 --> 00:00:05,125 MEL BROOKS: The Fall of the Berlin Wall. 3 00:00:05,125 --> 00:00:06,375 (crowd cheering) 4 00:00:06,375 --> 00:00:07,834 ANNOUNCER: People here have been living 5 00:00:07,834 --> 00:00:09,500 with the wall since 1961. 6 00:00:09,500 --> 00:00:12,041 And now it's time to break the wall down, you know. 7 00:00:13,291 --> 00:00:16,208 Smash harder, Hans, the other side of his wall is freedom. 8 00:00:16,333 --> 00:00:18,875 - A new life for us awaits. (laughs) - Yeah. 9 00:00:19,291 --> 00:00:21,458 - Hans, I have to tell you something. -Ja. 10 00:00:21,458 --> 00:00:22,792 - I'm pregnant. - What? 11 00:00:22,792 --> 00:00:23,709 With your child. 12 00:00:23,709 --> 00:00:24,792 - Mine? - Yes. 13 00:00:24,792 --> 00:00:26,000 But how? 14 00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:26,917 With your penis. 15 00:00:27,250 --> 00:00:28,834 {\an8}My God, that's amazing. 16 00:00:28,834 --> 00:00:30,917 Our baby will be born in a free world. 17 00:00:30,917 --> 00:00:34,417 - With blue jeans on. - (both laughing) 18 00:00:34,834 --> 00:00:36,291 - (Hans grunting) - Oh. 19 00:00:36,959 --> 00:00:39,291 (grunting) On the other side of this wall 20 00:00:39,291 --> 00:00:41,834 there will be McDonald's everywhere. 21 00:00:42,125 --> 00:00:43,709 GRETA: What a momentous day. 22 00:00:43,709 --> 00:00:45,250 (both laughing) 23 00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:46,959 Wrong wall. 24 00:00:47,166 --> 00:00:49,291 - Uh, oh, so sorry. - Oh. 25 00:00:49,291 --> 00:00:51,417 No, no, that happens all the time. 26 00:00:51,583 --> 00:00:53,750 - Sorry. - Auf Wiedersehen! 27 00:00:53,750 --> 00:00:54,709 Oh no. 28 00:00:54,709 --> 00:00:58,959 (theme music playing) 29 00:01:00,917 --> 00:01:03,542 MEL BROOKS: History of The World, Part two. 30 00:01:11,208 --> 00:01:14,750 MEL BROOKS: The Story of Jesus: The Council of Nicaea. 31 00:01:16,041 --> 00:01:18,917 In the year 325, the church gathered 32 00:01:18,917 --> 00:01:22,542 {\an8}their most powerful bishops at the Council of Naicea 33 00:01:22,542 --> 00:01:25,875 in order to solidify the story of Jesus. 34 00:01:25,875 --> 00:01:30,709 {\an8}Their goal to make the Bible an international blockbuster. 35 00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:34,583 Now we are very familiar with the story of Jesus 36 00:01:34,709 --> 00:01:36,625 so let's just jump right into it. How about that? 37 00:01:36,625 --> 00:01:37,750 - Great. - ANTONIA: Okay. 38 00:01:37,750 --> 00:01:40,709 So based on these marketing materials 39 00:01:40,917 --> 00:01:42,291 what do we think about this guy? 40 00:01:42,959 --> 00:01:44,875 Ah, yeah, the J-man. 41 00:01:44,875 --> 00:01:46,250 That's why we're all here, right? 42 00:01:46,250 --> 00:01:47,834 - I loved him. Loved him. - ANTONIA: Loved him. 43 00:01:47,834 --> 00:01:50,083 - BISHOP 2: He was great. - Yeah, totally, really good. 44 00:01:50,083 --> 00:01:52,166 To be honest, there was something a little off about him. 45 00:01:52,166 --> 00:01:55,125 - ANTONIA: Oh. - Yeah, He wasn't totally relatable 46 00:01:55,125 --> 00:01:56,458 - to me personally. - BISHOP 1: Mm. 47 00:01:56,458 --> 00:01:58,667 - Yeah. - Say more. 48 00:01:59,208 --> 00:02:02,834 His whole thing is being good and fair, right? 49 00:02:02,834 --> 00:02:09,834 So maybe like he should be fair and fair skinned. 50 00:02:09,834 --> 00:02:12,083 - Hmm? - I just wanna make sure I'm, uh, 51 00:02:12,083 --> 00:02:13,000 getting this right. 52 00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:15,041 You want Jesus to be White? 53 00:02:15,041 --> 00:02:18,375 - BISHOP 1: Huh. - No, that's not what I'm saying. 54 00:02:18,375 --> 00:02:20,959 Don't you put words in my mouth, lady. 55 00:02:20,959 --> 00:02:23,917 I wasn't thinking that at all. But now that you say it. 56 00:02:23,917 --> 00:02:27,125 - I didn't say it. - I do think that would be worth trying. 57 00:02:27,125 --> 00:02:28,458 I think it really makes a lot of sense. 58 00:02:28,458 --> 00:02:29,750 Yeah, that was a great idea of yours. 59 00:02:29,750 --> 00:02:31,166 You know, you should really give it a try. 60 00:02:31,291 --> 00:02:32,875 Everyone just keeps saying it's my idea. 61 00:02:32,875 --> 00:02:34,083 It's not my idea. 62 00:02:34,083 --> 00:02:36,083 - Give it a shot. - That was a great idea. 63 00:02:37,041 --> 00:02:38,959 What did we think of his message? 64 00:02:38,959 --> 00:02:43,125 I mean, the message is great, but he seemed kind of wimpy. 65 00:02:43,125 --> 00:02:44,125 - Wimpy? - BISHOP 1: Yeah, I mean, 66 00:02:44,125 --> 00:02:45,375 he's the son of God, 67 00:02:45,375 --> 00:02:46,542 but he let them kill him. 68 00:02:46,542 --> 00:02:48,291 I mean, didn't his dad teach him Krav Maga 69 00:02:48,291 --> 00:02:50,834 or some shit. Like... (grunting) 70 00:02:50,834 --> 00:02:52,667 Okay, I'm trembling 71 00:02:52,667 --> 00:02:55,333 If I was Jesus there's no way I'd let that shit happen to me. 72 00:02:55,333 --> 00:02:59,041 - I would fuck those Jews (laughing) up. - (chuckling) 73 00:02:59,041 --> 00:03:00,750 - Always fuck up the Jews, yeah. - Yeah. 74 00:03:00,750 --> 00:03:03,625 Well, oh, uh, you mean the Romans, right? 75 00:03:03,625 --> 00:03:04,750 What? 76 00:03:04,750 --> 00:03:05,834 You know, it's a great point. 77 00:03:05,834 --> 00:03:07,250 Who are the bad guys in this story? 78 00:03:07,250 --> 00:03:09,041 - Right? - Yeah. I think it's better 79 00:03:09,041 --> 00:03:10,709 if there's just one bad guy. 80 00:03:10,709 --> 00:03:11,667 - I agree. - Yes. 81 00:03:11,667 --> 00:03:12,875 - ANTONIA: Okay, okay. - Yes. 82 00:03:12,875 --> 00:03:14,458 Would you guys rather have the villains be 83 00:03:14,458 --> 00:03:16,250 - the Jews or the Romans? - ALL: Jews. 84 00:03:16,250 --> 00:03:18,041 - Oh. - Make them the Jews, for sure. 85 00:03:18,041 --> 00:03:19,500 - Yeah. - Th-they run everything. 86 00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:21,542 - You wanna blame them for that? - BISHOP 1: Yes. 87 00:03:21,542 --> 00:03:22,959 - Okay. - BISHOP 2: Before we go any further 88 00:03:23,083 --> 00:03:25,750 can we do the collection basket? Think that's-- 89 00:03:25,750 --> 00:03:27,041 Oh yes, of course. 90 00:03:27,041 --> 00:03:28,083 Here we go. 91 00:03:28,083 --> 00:03:29,291 Yes, yes, yes. 92 00:03:29,291 --> 00:03:31,542 - Great, this looks nice. - BISHOP 3: Right? 93 00:03:31,542 --> 00:03:32,834 BISHOP 1: Mangia, mangia. 94 00:03:32,834 --> 00:03:34,542 - What do we have here? - Oh, you're just... 95 00:03:34,542 --> 00:03:38,125 Money, money, money, I want that money. 96 00:03:38,125 --> 00:03:41,166 - Hey, hey, don't bogart that basket, pal. - Alright, alright, alright. 97 00:03:41,166 --> 00:03:42,709 - (bishops laughing) - ANTONIA: Oh my God, you're all 98 00:03:42,709 --> 00:03:44,083 gonna roast in hell, 99 00:03:44,083 --> 00:03:45,375 every single one of you. 100 00:03:46,208 --> 00:03:49,500 Let's talk about Mary Magdalene. 101 00:03:49,500 --> 00:03:50,917 That really scares me. 102 00:03:50,917 --> 00:03:51,959 - Ooh. - BISHOP 3: Oh, so hot. 103 00:03:51,959 --> 00:03:53,166 That was the mom, right? 104 00:03:53,166 --> 00:03:54,750 Nope, the other Mary. 105 00:03:54,750 --> 00:03:56,458 Is that confusing that there's two Marys? 106 00:03:56,458 --> 00:03:58,709 - Yeah, very. Very. - I missed that. 107 00:03:58,709 --> 00:04:01,208 Oh, you did? So maybe we should change it up. 108 00:04:01,208 --> 00:04:03,041 Do you have a name you prefer for the other Mary? 109 00:04:03,041 --> 00:04:05,458 I don't even know if I know any other women's names. 110 00:04:05,458 --> 00:04:08,208 I do have one idea, just to give her a little texture. 111 00:04:08,208 --> 00:04:09,875 - Yes. - BISHOP 1: It's the year 325. 112 00:04:09,875 --> 00:04:11,208 Let's give her a job. 113 00:04:11,208 --> 00:04:12,291 I love this. 114 00:04:12,291 --> 00:04:14,166 I would just make her a prostitute. 115 00:04:14,166 --> 00:04:15,709 - Oh. - BISHOP 1: I think that's good. 116 00:04:15,709 --> 00:04:17,125 - BISHOP 2: Love that. - I'm saying that as 117 00:04:17,125 --> 00:04:18,792 a father of daughters. I think it's a good thing. 118 00:04:18,792 --> 00:04:21,333 Honestly, not to pat ourselves on the back 119 00:04:21,333 --> 00:04:23,875 but I do think we're, uh, being pretty progressive 120 00:04:23,875 --> 00:04:25,208 giving Mary a career, right? 121 00:04:25,208 --> 00:04:27,500 Yes, that is the first word I think of 122 00:04:27,500 --> 00:04:29,875 when I think of all of you, is progressive. 123 00:04:29,875 --> 00:04:31,917 - We're breaking the stained glass ceiling. - BISHOP 1: Yep. 124 00:04:32,041 --> 00:04:34,250 ANTONIA: You know what? I am gonna get all these good thoughts 125 00:04:34,250 --> 00:04:36,333 to the pope. He's gonna confer with God. 126 00:04:36,333 --> 00:04:38,000 And then we are gonna have a brand new version 127 00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:39,917 of Christianity coming soon. 128 00:04:39,917 --> 00:04:42,291 If you do see the Pope, please tell him I said hi. He's a friend. 129 00:04:42,291 --> 00:04:45,250 Oh no, he'd never talked to me 'cause I'm a woman. 130 00:04:49,208 --> 00:04:50,458 (light drum music playing) 131 00:04:50,458 --> 00:04:51,917 MEL BROOKS: Teddy Roosevelt. 132 00:04:54,542 --> 00:04:56,875 ANNOUNCER: Tired of your pals calling you a panty waist. 133 00:04:58,333 --> 00:05:00,500 Gone from fab to flab? 134 00:05:00,500 --> 00:05:02,083 Then scrooch up 135 00:05:02,083 --> 00:05:03,917 - with America's most -(eagle screeching) 136 00:05:03,917 --> 00:05:05,208 hard boiled president. 137 00:05:05,208 --> 00:05:06,959 - (light fixture dinging) - Not that one. 138 00:05:07,166 --> 00:05:09,750 We're talking about the war hero, boxing champ, 139 00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:12,750 - big game hunting, wilderness exploring, - (horse neighing) 140 00:05:12,917 --> 00:05:15,166 kept giving a speech after getting shot, 141 00:05:15,333 --> 00:05:18,166 26th presidents of these United States, 142 00:05:18,166 --> 00:05:21,291 - Teddy Roosevelt... - (Roosevelt groaning) 143 00:05:21,291 --> 00:05:23,000 {\an8}It's your boy T-Rose, 144 00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:25,625 the trust buster and the gut buster. 145 00:05:25,625 --> 00:05:28,625 {\an8}And I'm here to get you absolutely shredded. 146 00:05:28,625 --> 00:05:30,875 {\an8}ANNOUNCER: ...with a brand new series of phonographs 147 00:05:30,875 --> 00:05:32,291 {\an8}for aerobic athletics 148 00:05:32,291 --> 00:05:33,709 {\an8}and calisthenics 149 00:05:33,709 --> 00:05:35,125 {\an8}where you'll learn to 150 00:05:35,125 --> 00:05:36,291 {\an8}build muscle, 151 00:05:36,291 --> 00:05:38,041 Roosevelt muscle look. 152 00:05:38,041 --> 00:05:39,458 (Roosevelt groaning) 153 00:05:39,458 --> 00:05:40,542 ANNOUNCER: Burn fat. 154 00:05:40,542 --> 00:05:42,834 I'm not much of a cardio boy, 155 00:05:42,834 --> 00:05:44,792 but you need to get a sweat going. 156 00:05:44,792 --> 00:05:47,959 {\an8}So grab your big stick, swing it all around 157 00:05:47,959 --> 00:05:50,417 {\an8}and give it seven to 800 swings 158 00:05:50,417 --> 00:05:53,792 {\an8}or until your rotator cuff turns to chutney. 159 00:05:53,792 --> 00:05:54,917 ANNOUNCER: Self defense. 160 00:05:55,083 --> 00:05:56,250 Find a monopolist... 161 00:05:56,375 --> 00:05:57,792 - Hello, sir. - Oh. 162 00:05:57,792 --> 00:06:01,000 ...and then you want to best him physically. 163 00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:02,709 What's that now? (groaning) 164 00:06:02,709 --> 00:06:05,041 Your days of hoarding copper are over. 165 00:06:05,041 --> 00:06:07,250 {\an8}ANNOUNCER: But wait, there's more, telegraph now 166 00:06:07,250 --> 00:06:11,583 {\an8}and get volume two T-Rose's gut buster double trouble, 167 00:06:11,583 --> 00:06:15,166 {\an8}featuring the president's own workout partner, Neville. 168 00:06:15,166 --> 00:06:17,375 Neville, how many Australians have you killed? 169 00:06:17,375 --> 00:06:19,583 Australians, several. 170 00:06:19,583 --> 00:06:21,583 (both laughing) 171 00:06:21,583 --> 00:06:23,291 ANNOUNCER: But wait, there's more. 172 00:06:23,291 --> 00:06:25,917 Order now and get the President's secret 173 00:06:25,917 --> 00:06:28,375 {\an8}post fitness tonic for free. 174 00:06:28,375 --> 00:06:32,750 {\an8}We have lard butter, clotted cream, a little bit of suet 175 00:06:32,750 --> 00:06:37,500 {\an8}and the blood of one plump rooster for iron and for flavor. 176 00:06:37,500 --> 00:06:38,667 {\an8}Here we go. 177 00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:43,000 {\an8}- Hmm. Oh. - (stomach gurggling) 178 00:06:44,041 --> 00:06:45,000 - ANNOUNCER: Order now. - Aah! 179 00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:46,417 ANNOUNCER: Only 33 cents 180 00:06:46,417 --> 00:06:48,834 plus shipping and processing. 181 00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:54,208 ♪ From Barbados to Brooklyn, then to DC ♪ 182 00:06:54,208 --> 00:06:56,625 ♪ She's the first Black congresswoman ♪ 183 00:06:56,625 --> 00:06:58,291 {\an8}♪ She's Shirley ♪ 184 00:06:58,291 --> 00:07:00,750 {\an8}♪ It's been a long, hard road but hope was never lost ♪ 185 00:07:00,750 --> 00:07:04,792 {\an8}♪ 'Cause that girl Shirley's unbought and unbossed ♪ 186 00:07:04,792 --> 00:07:06,959 {\an8}♪ Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪ 187 00:07:07,375 --> 00:07:08,709 {\an8}(audience cheering) 188 00:07:08,709 --> 00:07:10,250 {\an8}ANNOUNCER: Shirley! is brought to you by 189 00:07:10,250 --> 00:07:13,250 {\an8}the actual presidential candidate Shirley Chisholm 190 00:07:13,250 --> 00:07:16,875 {\an8}and filmed in front of a live Black audience. 191 00:07:16,875 --> 00:07:18,750 (70s funk music playing) 192 00:07:18,750 --> 00:07:21,166 CONRAD: Oh, oh man. I can't wait to get to Miami. 193 00:07:21,166 --> 00:07:24,000 I'm gonna have myself a daiquiri and do the samba. 194 00:07:24,291 --> 00:07:26,834 And support your wife at the Democratic National 195 00:07:26,834 --> 00:07:30,583 Convention in hopes of her being elected president. 196 00:07:30,583 --> 00:07:32,250 Yeah, and that too. 197 00:07:32,250 --> 00:07:33,750 (audience laughing) 198 00:07:33,750 --> 00:07:36,709 Hey, is that mole on your face moving around? 199 00:07:36,875 --> 00:07:38,583 - What mole? - CONRAD: The mole right here. 200 00:07:38,583 --> 00:07:40,333 Conrad, keep your eyes on the road. 201 00:07:41,125 --> 00:07:42,709 FLORYNCE: Shirley, I know you wrote a speech, 202 00:07:42,709 --> 00:07:44,709 but have you considered the song that I-- 203 00:07:44,834 --> 00:07:47,208 I'm not doing a damn song. 204 00:07:47,208 --> 00:07:49,542 (audience laughing) 205 00:07:49,542 --> 00:07:51,625 Oh, look, it's your old spot. Should we stop? 206 00:07:51,875 --> 00:07:53,125 BOTH: Shut up, Conrad. 207 00:07:53,125 --> 00:07:54,875 (audience laughing) 208 00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:57,083 Shut up, audience. 209 00:07:58,083 --> 00:08:00,125 (70s funk music playing) 210 00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:03,041 (crowd cheering) 211 00:08:04,959 --> 00:08:06,250 Good evening ladies and gentlemen. 212 00:08:06,250 --> 00:08:09,291 This is a Howard Cosell impression reporting live 213 00:08:09,291 --> 00:08:12,083 from a Democratic National Convention. 214 00:08:12,083 --> 00:08:14,625 The stars are certainly out in Miami tonight. 215 00:08:15,458 --> 00:08:16,417 (Shirley scoffing) 216 00:08:16,417 --> 00:08:18,375 They stuck us in the loser section. 217 00:08:18,375 --> 00:08:19,542 FLORYNCE: Mm-hm. 218 00:08:19,709 --> 00:08:22,375 No, they didn't Look, there's Rosa Parks. 219 00:08:22,375 --> 00:08:24,792 - Where? - Excuse me, hi, hi. 220 00:08:24,792 --> 00:08:27,709 I am so sorry, are, are, are you Rosa Parks? 221 00:08:27,709 --> 00:08:28,750 Yes. 222 00:08:29,333 --> 00:08:31,166 I'm so sorry, I-I think you're in my seat. 223 00:08:31,583 --> 00:08:33,125 (audience jeering) 224 00:08:33,709 --> 00:08:35,166 I'm not doing this shit again. 225 00:08:35,166 --> 00:08:37,125 (audience laughing) 226 00:08:37,834 --> 00:08:39,750 It might take me a while to get to the stage 227 00:08:39,750 --> 00:08:42,250 but once they hear my speech, 228 00:08:42,250 --> 00:08:44,917 - Mm. Mm-hm. - it will be worth it. 229 00:08:44,917 --> 00:08:47,875 Hi Shirley, sorry, Muskie ran along with his impression 230 00:08:47,875 --> 00:08:49,250 so we had to cut your speech. 231 00:08:49,500 --> 00:08:52,375 But thank you for stopping by. 232 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:54,834 AUDIENCE: Aww! 233 00:08:57,208 --> 00:08:58,834 I thought we had a chance to win 234 00:08:58,834 --> 00:09:03,208 but clearly they didn't take me or my campaign seriously. 235 00:09:03,417 --> 00:09:06,166 Well, Shirley, baby, they may not take you seriously, 236 00:09:06,291 --> 00:09:08,417 - but we do. - Mm-hm. 237 00:09:08,417 --> 00:09:11,250 And we are here for you no matter what. 238 00:09:11,250 --> 00:09:12,625 - CONRAD: Mm-hm. - Mm-hm. 239 00:09:12,625 --> 00:09:15,291 It means so much that you're sticking by my side. 240 00:09:15,291 --> 00:09:17,625 Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Is, is that Diana Ross? 241 00:09:17,625 --> 00:09:19,583 - (audience laughing) - Miss Ross, Miss Ross. 242 00:09:19,917 --> 00:09:22,375 Those other supremes ain't shit. 243 00:09:23,500 --> 00:09:27,166 As long as my husband is with me, I'll be fine. 244 00:09:27,166 --> 00:09:28,250 I'm sorry baby. 245 00:09:28,250 --> 00:09:29,458 It's okay. 246 00:09:29,458 --> 00:09:31,375 No, I'm sorry. There's a churro guy down there 247 00:09:31,375 --> 00:09:33,458 and I've always wanted to have a churro. 248 00:09:33,458 --> 00:09:36,000 Amigo, right over here. Hola! 249 00:09:37,250 --> 00:09:40,917 Well, I guess I won't be needing the speech anymore. 250 00:09:40,917 --> 00:09:42,417 MUHAMMAD ALI: Shirley Chisholm. 251 00:09:42,417 --> 00:09:43,875 Oh, now what? 252 00:09:44,125 --> 00:09:44,959 (bell rings) 253 00:09:46,709 --> 00:09:48,166 Mohamed Ali. 254 00:09:48,166 --> 00:09:51,500 Wait, oh yeah, that's me. 255 00:09:51,500 --> 00:09:54,583 And you are someone I greatly admire. 256 00:09:55,333 --> 00:09:56,917 - Really? - (audience laughing) 257 00:09:56,917 --> 00:09:58,583 So when are you getting up there? 258 00:09:58,583 --> 00:10:00,500 Apparently never champ. 259 00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:02,750 Might be time for me to throw in the towel. 260 00:10:02,750 --> 00:10:06,291 In this country you can do anything you set your mind to. 261 00:10:06,291 --> 00:10:09,291 Except dodging the draft, you will go to jail for that. 262 00:10:10,458 --> 00:10:11,792 So get up off the mat. 263 00:10:12,041 --> 00:10:14,208 Just go up there and tell 'em who you are. 264 00:10:14,208 --> 00:10:17,125 Well, I am who I am. 265 00:10:17,125 --> 00:10:20,375 I am unbought and unbossed. 266 00:10:20,542 --> 00:10:22,125 - (audience cheering) - That's it. 267 00:10:22,125 --> 00:10:24,417 That's it. Now get up there and tell them that. 268 00:10:25,041 --> 00:10:27,000 All right. Thanks champ. 269 00:10:27,667 --> 00:10:29,166 - Knock 'em dead. - (crowd cheering) 270 00:10:29,166 --> 00:10:30,333 Hey, 271 00:10:31,125 --> 00:10:33,250 you're the fellow that kicked Rosa Parks outta her seat. 272 00:10:33,250 --> 00:10:34,250 Uh, well, well, it's just 273 00:10:34,250 --> 00:10:35,500 - that I'm an a-aisle guy. - Yeah. 274 00:10:35,500 --> 00:10:36,875 I'ma need to see you in the parking lot. 275 00:10:36,875 --> 00:10:38,291 - (audience laughing) - Come on. 276 00:10:38,291 --> 00:10:41,000 (upbeat music) 277 00:10:47,250 --> 00:10:50,375 - (tense music playing) - (vocalizing) 278 00:10:50,375 --> 00:10:53,750 ANNOUNCER: In a world where greed is good 279 00:10:53,750 --> 00:10:56,750 and God is as good as dead. 280 00:10:56,750 --> 00:10:58,750 Jesus is gathering his forces, 281 00:10:59,208 --> 00:11:00,375 he's becoming more powerful. 282 00:11:00,375 --> 00:11:01,959 SOLDIER: Cancel him, Judas. 283 00:11:03,792 --> 00:11:06,875 ANNOUNCER: Bear witness to the journey of a man 284 00:11:06,875 --> 00:11:09,333 who's run out of cheeks to turn. 285 00:11:09,333 --> 00:11:13,834 Jesus, the apostles need you for one last mission. 286 00:11:14,375 --> 00:11:16,333 Mark, my savior days are over. 287 00:11:16,333 --> 00:11:19,542 You know who else's days are over, John the Baptist. 288 00:11:21,291 --> 00:11:22,583 Dad dammit. 289 00:11:22,792 --> 00:11:24,834 ANNOUNCER: A journey that took him 290 00:11:24,834 --> 00:11:27,000 from the mother he loved. 291 00:11:27,417 --> 00:11:29,667 MOTHER MARY: Son, this was your father's. 292 00:11:29,667 --> 00:11:31,000 I never knew my father. 293 00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:32,083 Neither did I. 294 00:11:32,083 --> 00:11:34,000 Because you're a virgin, right mommy? 295 00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:35,083 Oh yeah. 296 00:11:35,083 --> 00:11:36,667 Totally a virgin, yeah. 297 00:11:36,667 --> 00:11:38,125 Never had sex. 298 00:11:39,125 --> 00:11:42,792 ANNOUNCER: And the love he could not return. 299 00:11:42,792 --> 00:11:44,834 Mary Magdalene, I came to check on you 300 00:11:44,834 --> 00:11:45,792 and make sure you're safe. 301 00:11:45,792 --> 00:11:47,417 I'm safe now that you are here. 302 00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:51,166 - I can't. - But I won't hurt you, 303 00:11:51,166 --> 00:11:52,542 even though I'm a prostitute. 304 00:11:52,542 --> 00:11:55,375 Who's also the best computer hacker in Jerusalem. 305 00:11:56,125 --> 00:11:58,333 The Romans are 30 clicks away and moving fast. 306 00:11:58,792 --> 00:11:59,709 I'll be back 307 00:12:01,166 --> 00:12:02,208 in three days. 308 00:12:03,458 --> 00:12:04,375 Vamonos. 309 00:12:04,375 --> 00:12:07,208 (vocalizing prayer) 310 00:12:07,208 --> 00:12:09,166 That other guy here the whole time? 311 00:12:09,583 --> 00:12:10,875 It's fucking creepy. 312 00:12:11,333 --> 00:12:12,917 Apostles assemble. 313 00:12:12,917 --> 00:12:14,875 - ("Back In Black" by AC/DC playing) - ANNOUNCER: It's Jesus 314 00:12:14,875 --> 00:12:16,875 as our White God intended. 315 00:12:16,875 --> 00:12:20,458 Blonde, blue-eyed and fucking ripped. 316 00:12:22,208 --> 00:12:23,667 MONEYLENDER: Get lost Jesus. 317 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:28,041 We're lending money in a temple at exorbitant rates. 318 00:12:29,834 --> 00:12:31,000 Oy, gevalt! 319 00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:32,917 (attack cry) 320 00:12:33,792 --> 00:12:37,041 (rock music continues) 321 00:12:42,583 --> 00:12:43,583 Ha... 322 00:12:44,250 --> 00:12:45,417 ...llelujah. 323 00:12:45,417 --> 00:12:46,917 (birds cawing) 324 00:12:46,917 --> 00:12:48,792 ANNOUNCER: And when all is lost... 325 00:12:49,458 --> 00:12:50,291 Goodbye. 326 00:12:51,959 --> 00:12:53,291 ("Back In Black" by AC/DC resumes) 327 00:12:53,291 --> 00:12:56,667 ...a new type of hero is found. 328 00:12:56,667 --> 00:12:57,625 Miss me? 329 00:12:57,625 --> 00:12:58,875 You're alive. 330 00:12:58,875 --> 00:13:00,583 I came back because I left something. 331 00:13:00,583 --> 00:13:01,625 What? 332 00:13:01,625 --> 00:13:02,709 Your sins. 333 00:13:05,375 --> 00:13:07,291 (medallion powering up) 334 00:13:12,834 --> 00:13:14,291 ANNOUNCER: This Christmas, 335 00:13:14,291 --> 00:13:17,000 get saved or go to hell. 336 00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:22,166 JC Resurrection. 337 00:13:22,166 --> 00:13:25,458 Wow, Jesus is busing. 338 00:13:25,458 --> 00:13:27,625 You're right, He is busing. 339 00:13:27,750 --> 00:13:29,458 Jesus action figure. 340 00:13:29,458 --> 00:13:33,375 This is the best toy in The History of the World, Part Two. 341 00:13:33,375 --> 00:13:34,834 Pew, pew, pew. 342 00:13:34,834 --> 00:13:36,917 (all laughing) 343 00:13:36,917 --> 00:13:38,083 That's it. 344 00:13:38,083 --> 00:13:39,959 - Are you kidding me? - That's the money. 345 00:13:39,959 --> 00:13:41,583 - I feel like I don't need to ask, - Wow. 346 00:13:41,583 --> 00:13:43,542 but I will anyway, how's everyone feeling 347 00:13:43,542 --> 00:13:45,458 about this new version of Christianity? 348 00:13:45,458 --> 00:13:47,875 Oh wow, I mean, I love that. 349 00:13:47,875 --> 00:13:50,166 I mean, we got ourselves a franchise here. 350 00:13:50,166 --> 00:13:52,208 A-And it's a four quadrant movie for sure. 351 00:13:52,208 --> 00:13:53,125 BISHOP 2: Yeah. 352 00:13:53,125 --> 00:13:55,417 Think of the merchandising opportunities alone. 353 00:13:55,417 --> 00:13:58,208 - Also, uh, kind of hot, right? - Oh my God. 354 00:13:58,208 --> 00:14:00,333 He was hot, he was jacked, he was Caucasian, 355 00:14:00,333 --> 00:14:01,375 he was just like me. 356 00:14:01,375 --> 00:14:02,750 Totally relatable. 357 00:14:02,750 --> 00:14:04,625 Well, I guess we gave you everything you wanted. 358 00:14:05,333 --> 00:14:07,208 It's always great when it works out for 359 00:14:07,208 --> 00:14:08,792 White men in power. (chuckles) 360 00:14:09,375 --> 00:14:10,583 Yeah, it really is. 361 00:14:10,583 --> 00:14:11,750 It really is. 362 00:14:11,750 --> 00:14:13,083 I don't know how I'll sleep at night, 363 00:14:13,083 --> 00:14:14,458 but it's fine. 364 00:14:14,458 --> 00:14:15,667 Oh, and don't forget 365 00:14:15,667 --> 00:14:17,375 to get your items from the hat check 366 00:14:17,375 --> 00:14:19,583 on your way out. Okay? 367 00:14:19,583 --> 00:14:21,542 BISHOP 2: Oh, lost my ticket. I don't have my ticket, 368 00:14:21,542 --> 00:14:23,000 but I have-- It's that one right there. 369 00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:24,333 - And this is yours. - And this is yours. 370 00:14:24,333 --> 00:14:25,542 - And this is yours. - And this here. 371 00:14:25,834 --> 00:14:27,000 - And this is yours. - And this is yours. 372 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:28,333 - And this is yours. - And this is yours. 373 00:14:28,333 --> 00:14:29,250 - And this is yours. - Okay. 374 00:14:29,250 --> 00:14:30,625 - This is yours. - My mistake. 375 00:14:30,625 --> 00:14:32,125 - And this is yours. - And this is yours. 376 00:14:32,125 --> 00:14:33,291 - And this is yours. - Okay. 377 00:14:33,291 --> 00:14:35,583 - And, oh, that's not mine. - That's mine. 378 00:14:35,583 --> 00:14:37,208 - That's mine. - No. You have mine right there. 379 00:14:37,208 --> 00:14:38,959 - That's mine. That's mine. - There it is. Okay. 380 00:14:38,959 --> 00:14:41,083 - BISHOP 3: And may I get my staff please? - BISHOP 1: That's mine. 381 00:14:41,083 --> 00:14:42,834 I wish I could tip, but I only have big stuff 382 00:14:42,834 --> 00:14:44,250 so I'll get you next time. 383 00:14:48,583 --> 00:14:52,959 ♪ Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪ 384 00:14:52,959 --> 00:14:54,500 (crowd cheering) 385 00:14:54,500 --> 00:14:56,166 COSELL IMPERSONTOR: It looks like the big winner 386 00:14:56,166 --> 00:14:57,917 is the motor from South Dakota. 387 00:14:57,917 --> 00:14:59,750 It's over. It's over. 388 00:14:59,750 --> 00:15:01,792 But wait, what do we have here? 389 00:15:01,792 --> 00:15:03,000 Miss Chisholm. 390 00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:05,000 Outta my way, Monday night goofball. 391 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:06,625 (audience laughing) 392 00:15:06,625 --> 00:15:07,792 Ouch. 393 00:15:08,959 --> 00:15:10,667 Good evening delegates. 394 00:15:10,667 --> 00:15:11,959 Thank you for having me. 395 00:15:11,959 --> 00:15:13,750 (indistinct chattering) 396 00:15:13,750 --> 00:15:15,333 Can you hear me? 397 00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:20,583 All right, let's try this. 398 00:15:21,542 --> 00:15:23,500 One, two, three, four. 399 00:15:23,834 --> 00:15:25,834 (upbeat music playing) 400 00:15:25,834 --> 00:15:27,959 Mm. Hit me! 401 00:15:29,291 --> 00:15:32,250 Woo! Can you feel it? 402 00:15:32,542 --> 00:15:33,959 - This is wildly out of character - SHIRLEY: Alright. 403 00:15:33,959 --> 00:15:34,875 for my wife. 404 00:15:36,083 --> 00:15:38,625 ♪ This country needs some disruption to the corruption ♪ 405 00:15:38,625 --> 00:15:39,792 ♪ Too much corruption ♪ 406 00:15:39,792 --> 00:15:42,792 ♪ That White House could use some Black to cure it's blues ♪ 407 00:15:42,792 --> 00:15:44,083 SINGERS: ♪ Ooh-ho-ho-ho ♪ 408 00:15:44,083 --> 00:15:46,000 ♪ In the ass we're gonna kick it ♪ 409 00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:48,250 ♪ With this sister on the ticket ♪ 410 00:15:48,250 --> 00:15:51,250 ♪ Come get with Mama Shirley and you can't lose ♪ 411 00:15:51,250 --> 00:15:52,333 SINGER: ♪ And you can't lose ♪ 412 00:15:52,333 --> 00:15:55,542 ♪ I'm fed up with all the jive and exploitation ♪ 413 00:15:56,583 --> 00:15:58,625 ♪ Let them threaten, let them bully ♪ 414 00:15:58,625 --> 00:16:00,625 - ♪ I don't scare ♪ - ♪ She don't scare ♪ 415 00:16:00,625 --> 00:16:02,542 ♪ I don't play nobody's fool ♪ 416 00:16:02,542 --> 00:16:04,709 ♪ I take them White boys all to school ♪ 417 00:16:04,709 --> 00:16:06,750 ♪ They don't give me a seat at the table ♪ 418 00:16:06,750 --> 00:16:08,709 ♪ I'm gonna bring a folding chair ♪ 419 00:16:08,709 --> 00:16:11,834 - ♪ She's unbought, and unbossed ♪ - SINGER: ♪ Unbought ♪ 420 00:16:11,834 --> 00:16:13,583 ♪ I'm incorruptible ♪ 421 00:16:13,583 --> 00:16:15,792 - ♪ Unvarnished, and unglossed ♪ - SINGER: ♪ Unvarnished ♪ 422 00:16:15,792 --> 00:16:17,750 ♪ I'm indestructible ♪ 423 00:16:17,750 --> 00:16:20,333 - ♪ She's unbought, and unbossed ♪ - SINGER: ♪ Unbought ♪ 424 00:16:20,333 --> 00:16:21,583 ♪ Yeah, that's right ♪ 425 00:16:21,583 --> 00:16:23,375 ♪ I won't relax, I won't relent ♪ 426 00:16:23,375 --> 00:16:25,750 ♪ I'm gonna be the first Black woman ♪ 427 00:16:25,750 --> 00:16:28,041 ♪ President ♪ 428 00:16:28,041 --> 00:16:31,750 (audience cheers and applause) 429 00:16:31,750 --> 00:16:33,333 Thank you, delegates. 430 00:16:33,333 --> 00:16:35,959 Get on the Chisholm Express '72. 431 00:16:37,166 --> 00:16:38,709 (theme music playing) 432 00:16:39,083 --> 00:16:42,417 ♪ Unbought and unbossed ♪ 433 00:16:42,417 --> 00:16:44,166 (laughing) Ooh-woo. 434 00:16:44,166 --> 00:16:47,041 Oh, Mom, you made me a cake. 435 00:16:47,166 --> 00:16:48,542 Oh no, baby. 436 00:16:48,542 --> 00:16:49,875 That's store bought. 437 00:16:49,875 --> 00:16:51,000 You came in fourth. 438 00:16:51,375 --> 00:16:53,333 (audience laughing) 439 00:16:53,333 --> 00:16:55,792 I thought I was gonna get to do a musical number. 440 00:16:55,792 --> 00:16:58,125 I've been pitching that for four episodes. 441 00:16:58,125 --> 00:16:59,583 (audience laughing) 442 00:16:59,583 --> 00:17:00,917 But you know what baby, don't feel bad. 443 00:17:00,917 --> 00:17:02,166 You did great 444 00:17:02,166 --> 00:17:03,709 and we got a free trip to Miami out of it. 445 00:17:03,709 --> 00:17:05,041 And you know what? 446 00:17:05,041 --> 00:17:08,709 You have opened up doors for generations to come. 447 00:17:08,959 --> 00:17:11,250 Oh, Conrad, that's the dumbest shit you ever said. 448 00:17:11,250 --> 00:17:12,750 (audience laughing) 449 00:17:12,750 --> 00:17:14,291 And that's saying something. 450 00:17:14,291 --> 00:17:16,166 Oh, come on now. 451 00:17:16,166 --> 00:17:18,875 No, but really baby, you didn't win 452 00:17:18,875 --> 00:17:22,625 but you opened doors for generations to come. 453 00:17:22,625 --> 00:17:24,875 - Oh mama. - (Ruby laughing) 454 00:17:24,875 --> 00:17:26,333 AUDIENCE: Aww! 455 00:17:26,333 --> 00:17:28,250 Fuck that, man. I just said that. 456 00:17:28,250 --> 00:17:30,083 BOTH: Shut up, Conrad. 457 00:17:30,083 --> 00:17:32,792 (audience laughing) 458 00:17:32,792 --> 00:17:34,583 Shut up, Conrad. (laughing) 459 00:17:34,583 --> 00:17:36,291 (laughing) Okay, okay, okay. 460 00:17:36,291 --> 00:17:38,625 You know what? Fuck y'all. 461 00:17:38,750 --> 00:17:39,875 Only reason I did this TV show 462 00:17:39,875 --> 00:17:41,500 was to help out your campaign. 463 00:17:41,500 --> 00:17:44,125 And all I do is get treated like shit, man I'm outta here. 464 00:17:44,417 --> 00:17:45,875 {\an8}I'm gonna do my own TV show. 465 00:17:45,875 --> 00:17:47,875 {\an8}You know what, it is gonna be about something I care about. 466 00:17:47,875 --> 00:17:49,417 It's gonna be about law and order. 467 00:17:49,417 --> 00:17:50,792 Now, I don't know what I'm gonna call it 468 00:17:50,792 --> 00:17:52,333 {\an8}but it's gonna have a cool transition, like, 469 00:17:52,333 --> 00:17:54,166 ♪ Dun dun ♪ And this gonna be the best. 470 00:17:54,166 --> 00:17:55,166 {\an8}The best. 471 00:17:56,542 --> 00:17:57,917 A black woman would become president 472 00:17:57,917 --> 00:17:59,125 {\an8}before that show ever works. 473 00:17:59,125 --> 00:18:02,083 {\an8}(audience laughing) 474 00:18:02,083 --> 00:18:03,834 Can I have a piece of cake before I go? 475 00:18:03,959 --> 00:18:04,917 {\an8}Fuck you. 476 00:18:05,125 --> 00:18:08,166 {\an8}(audience laughing) 477 00:18:12,917 --> 00:18:14,834 MEL BROOKS: Wait, where are you going? 478 00:18:14,834 --> 00:18:16,458 Coming soon. 479 00:18:16,458 --> 00:18:21,458 Don't miss History of The World, Part Two: season two. 480 00:18:21,959 --> 00:18:25,542 See... The Great Fascist Bake Off. 481 00:18:25,834 --> 00:18:28,500 JUDGE: Idi Amin, your cake fell flat mate. 482 00:18:28,500 --> 00:18:29,875 I thought killing the other contestants 483 00:18:29,875 --> 00:18:31,125 {\an8}would give me an edge. 484 00:18:31,125 --> 00:18:33,583 But there are no shortcuts in baking. 485 00:18:34,417 --> 00:18:36,458 MEL BROOKS: See... The Dust Bowl. 486 00:18:37,583 --> 00:18:38,750 - (newsreel running) - REPORTER: And it's a fumble, 487 00:18:38,750 --> 00:18:39,750 Oklahoma recovers 488 00:18:39,750 --> 00:18:40,792 or maybe Kansas does. 489 00:18:40,792 --> 00:18:42,000 And they take it to the 10, 490 00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:43,625 to the five, touchdown Kansas 491 00:18:43,625 --> 00:18:45,417 or Oklahoma, who knows? 492 00:18:45,417 --> 00:18:48,041 I can't see shit, it's too dusty. 493 00:18:49,000 --> 00:18:53,959 MEL BROOKS: See... Jews in (echoing) Space. 494 00:18:57,083 --> 00:18:59,000 SERGEANT BOROWITZ: Captain Mudman, we're in a bit of a pickle. 495 00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:00,417 I know, it's a real half sour. 496 00:19:00,417 --> 00:19:02,875 Lieutenant Silverman give us a status update. 497 00:19:02,875 --> 00:19:04,417 I'm single but looking. 498 00:19:04,417 --> 00:19:07,375 Well, we're doing an event in the JCC Saturn this weekend. 499 00:19:07,500 --> 00:19:08,333 - Ooh. - I know there'll be a 500 00:19:08,333 --> 00:19:09,333 wonderful guy there for you. 501 00:19:09,333 --> 00:19:11,208 But I mean the status update on the ship. 502 00:19:11,208 --> 00:19:13,750 Oh, I can't operate anything until sundown 503 00:19:13,750 --> 00:19:15,000 which in space who can tell. 504 00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:16,417 Best I do nothing. 505 00:19:16,417 --> 00:19:18,500 Fair enough, Borowitz, report. 506 00:19:18,500 --> 00:19:20,959 Captain, the weapon system is locked and loaded. 507 00:19:21,458 --> 00:19:22,792 But I got no schmear. 508 00:19:22,792 --> 00:19:24,083 What? Joot! 509 00:19:24,250 --> 00:19:25,875 I am Joot. 510 00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:28,291 You were supposed to bring the cream cheese. 511 00:19:28,417 --> 00:19:29,959 I am Joot. 512 00:19:29,959 --> 00:19:31,125 I don't understand. 513 00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:33,750 The deli was closed yesterday. 514 00:19:33,750 --> 00:19:35,834 (groans) Dr. Kaufmanberg, do you have the results 515 00:19:35,834 --> 00:19:37,041 of my colonoscopy? 516 00:19:37,041 --> 00:19:39,125 Yes, captain, it is not good. 517 00:19:39,125 --> 00:19:40,542 You have ass-teroids. 518 00:19:40,792 --> 00:19:42,000 Oh, no ass-teroids. 519 00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:44,458 Wait, Wanda, can you be on this sketch? 520 00:19:44,458 --> 00:19:45,917 I'm an executive producer. 521 00:19:46,041 --> 00:19:47,834 - Oh, okay, so you're basically Jewish. - Mm. 522 00:19:50,917 --> 00:19:52,166 Captain, we're being boarded. 523 00:19:52,166 --> 00:19:53,709 Hopefully by a doctor. 524 00:19:53,834 --> 00:19:55,458 At this hour? Dayenu. 525 00:19:55,458 --> 00:19:58,917 Okay, uh, Dr. Kaufmanberg you want to... 526 00:19:59,125 --> 00:19:59,959 I know, I know. 527 00:19:59,959 --> 00:20:01,125 I go first. 528 00:20:01,125 --> 00:20:02,625 - Thank you, doctor. - Thank you 529 00:20:07,542 --> 00:20:09,083 (power sizzling) 530 00:20:11,792 --> 00:20:15,959 (gasps) It's the most powerful Jewish person in the universe, 531 00:20:15,959 --> 00:20:17,291 Jesus Christ. 532 00:20:17,542 --> 00:20:20,041 MEL BROOKS: Well, the second most powerful. 533 00:20:20,041 --> 00:20:22,375 Also, I brought cream cheese. 534 00:20:22,542 --> 00:20:25,458 - (all cheering) - SCHMUCK: Oh, it's Mel Brooks. 535 00:20:25,458 --> 00:20:27,291 SARAH SILVERMAN: Oh, he looks great. 536 00:20:27,291 --> 00:20:30,542 (theme music playing) 537 00:20:40,291 --> 00:20:42,709 ♪ 538 00:21:40,333 --> 00:21:43,333 (fanfare) 539 00:21:43,333 --> 00:21:46,333 Captioned by Point.360