1 00:00:20,476 --> 00:00:27,676 02 The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy - Eposode 1.2 1981 English 2 00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:40,480 'Far out, in the uncharted backwaters at the unfashionable end 3 00:00:40,720 --> 00:00:43,560 'of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy, 4 00:00:43,800 --> 00:00:46,240 'lies a small unregarded yellow sun. 5 00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:52,400 'Orbiting this at a distance of roughly 92 million miles 6 00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:56,280 'is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet 7 00:00:56,520 --> 00:00:59,680 'whose ape-descended lifeforms are so amazingly primitive 8 00:00:59,920 --> 00:01:03,360 'that they still think digital watches are neat. 9 00:01:03,600 --> 00:01:08,000 'This planet has-or had - a problem, which was this - 10 00:01:08,240 --> 00:01:11,960 'most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. 11 00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:14,840 'Many solutions were suggested for this problem, 12 00:01:15,080 --> 00:01:20,520 'mostly concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, 13 00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:22,680 'which is odd, because, on the whole, 14 00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:26,600 'it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy. 15 00:01:26,840 --> 00:01:31,240 'And so the problem remained and lots of the people were mean, 16 00:01:31,480 --> 00:01:35,120 'and most of them were miserable, even the ones with digital watches. ' 17 00:01:41,360 --> 00:01:46,400 'Many increasingly felt that they'd all made a big mistake 18 00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:51,560 'in coming down from the trees in the first place. 19 00:01:52,440 --> 00:01:56,360 'And some said that even the trees had been a bad move 20 00:01:56,600 --> 00:02:01,760 'and that no one should ever have left the oceans. 21 00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:10,720 'And then, one day, 22 00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:14,280 'nearly 2,000 years after one man had been nailed to a tree 23 00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:17,920 'for saying how great it would be to be nice to people for a change, 24 00:02:18,160 --> 00:02:21,480 'a girl sitting on her own in a small café in Rickmansworth 25 00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:25,320 'suddenly realised what it was had been going wrong all this time, 26 00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:29,280 'and she finally knew how the world could be made a good and happy place. 27 00:02:29,520 --> 00:02:31,920 'This time it was right, it would work, 28 00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:34,800 'and no one would have to get nailed to anything. 29 00:02:35,040 --> 00:02:38,960 'Sadly, however, before she could get to a phone to tell anyone, 30 00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:43,640 'the Earth was demolished to make way for a hyperspace by-pass 31 00:02:43,880 --> 00:02:47,920 'and so the idea was lost forever. 32 00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:55,680 'Meanwhile, Arthur Dent has escaped from the Earth 33 00:02:55,920 --> 00:02:58,120 'in the company of a friend of his, 34 00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:02,080 'who has unexpectedly turned out to be from a small planet 35 00:03:02,320 --> 00:03:05,920 'in the vicinity of Betelgeuse, and not from Guildford after all. 36 00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:08,200 'His name is Ford Prefect, 37 00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:12,440 'for reasons which are unlikely to become clear again at the moment, 38 00:03:12,680 --> 00:03:15,400 'and they're hiding in a Vogon spaceship. ' 39 00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:17,640 What's that? 40 00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:20,840 If we're lucky, it's a Vogon come to throw us out into space. 41 00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:23,000 And if we're unlucky? 42 00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:26,720 The captain might want to read us some of his poetry first. 43 00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:32,200 Oh, freddled gruntbuggly! 44 00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:34,880 Thy micturitions are to me 45 00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:38,560 As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee 46 00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:44,920 That mordiously hath bitled out its earted jurtles... 47 00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:51,520 Now the jurpling slayjd agrocrustles 48 00:03:51,760 --> 00:03:56,360 Are slurping hagrilly up the axlegrurts... 49 00:03:56,600 --> 00:04:02,640 'Vogon poetry is, of course, the third worst in the Universe. 50 00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:09,880 'The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria. 51 00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:15,200 'During a recitation by their poetmaster Grunthos the Flatulent of his poem: 52 00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:24,640 '... four of his audience died of internal haemorrhaging 53 00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:28,680 'and the president of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council 54 00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:33,320 'only survived by gnawing one of his own legs off. 55 00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:37,000 'Grunthos is reported to have been disappointed by the poem's reception, 56 00:04:37,240 --> 00:04:41,480 'and was about to embark on a reading of his 12-book epic: 57 00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:47,360 'when his own major intestine, 58 00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:50,480 'in a desperate attempt to save lifekind, 59 00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:55,920 'leapt straight up through his neck and throttled his brain. 60 00:04:56,840 --> 00:05:00,520 'The very worst poetry of all and its creator: 61 00:05:00,760 --> 00:05:06,560 'perished in the destruction of the planet Earth. 62 00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:09,480 'Vogon poetry is mild by comparison. ' 63 00:05:14,840 --> 00:05:18,680 Now the jurpling slayid agrocrustles 64 00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:22,000 Are slurping hagrilly up the axlegrurts... 65 00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:27,480 And living glupules frart and slipulate 66 00:05:27,720 --> 00:05:31,360 Like jowling meated liverslime. 67 00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:34,000 Groop I implore thee 68 00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:36,640 My foonting turling dromes 69 00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:42,960 And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles 70 00:05:43,200 --> 00:05:47,760 Or else I shall rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon 71 00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:50,080 See if I don't! 72 00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:53,200 - So, Earthlings... - I'm not an Earthling. 73 00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:57,000 Quiet! I present you with a simple choice. 74 00:05:57,240 --> 00:06:01,120 Think very carefully, for your very lives lie in your hands. 75 00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:06,280 Now choose! Either die in the vacuum of space 76 00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:10,440 or... tell me how good you thought my poem was. 77 00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:13,560 I liked it. 78 00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:15,200 Huh? 79 00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:18,960 Oh, yes. I thought some of the metaphysical imagery 80 00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:21,280 - Was particularly effective. - Yes? 81 00:06:21,520 --> 00:06:27,440 Oh, and interesting... rhythmic devices... 82 00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:30,200 which seemed to counterpoint the, er... 83 00:06:30,440 --> 00:06:35,480 Counterpoint the surrealism of the underlying metaphor of the, er... 84 00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:37,240 Humanity... 85 00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:39,520 - Vogonity. - Vogonity, sorry! 86 00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:43,880 Of the poet's compassionate soul, which strives 87 00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:49,320 through the verse structure to sublimate this, transcend that, 88 00:06:49,560 --> 00:06:52,800 and one is left with a profound and vivid insight into... into... 89 00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:58,720 Into whatever the poem was about. That was very good. 90 00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:04,160 So, what you are saying is that I just write poetry 91 00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:09,000 because underneath my mean, callous, heartless exterior, 92 00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:11,640 I just want to be loved, is that it? 93 00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:19,040 Well, I mean, yes, don't we all, deep down, underneath...? 94 00:07:19,280 --> 00:07:21,360 No! You're completely wrong. 95 00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:26,520 I write poetry just to throw my mean, callous, heartless exterior 96 00:07:26,760 --> 00:07:29,640 into sharp relief. I'm going to throw you off the ship anyway. 97 00:07:29,880 --> 00:07:36,240 Guard! Take the prisoners to number 3 airlock and throw them out. 98 00:07:36,480 --> 00:07:39,640 This is great! This is really terrific! 99 00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:42,640 Ow! Let go of me, you brute! 100 00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:45,080 Don't worry - I'll think of something. 101 00:07:45,320 --> 00:07:47,400 Resistance is useless! 102 00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:49,560 What is all this, Ford? 103 00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:52,200 I woke up this morning, thought I'd have a nice, relaxed day, 104 00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:54,360 do a bit of reading, brush the dog... 105 00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:57,080 It's 4.00 p. IN. and I'm being thrown out of an alien spaceship 106 00:07:57,240 --> 00:08:00,480 five light years from the smoking remains of the Earth. 107 00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:03,080 Just stop panicking! Who mentioned panicking? 108 00:08:03,320 --> 00:08:05,440 This is just culture shock. 109 00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:07,800 Wait till I settle! Then I'll panic! 110 00:08:08,040 --> 00:08:11,760 - Arthur, you're hysterical! Shut up! - Resistance is useless! 111 00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:14,760 - And you! - Resistance is useless! 112 00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:17,680 Give it a rest! Do you enjoy this sort of thing? 113 00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:19,840 What do you mean? 114 00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:23,160 What I mean is-does it give you a full, satisfying life? 115 00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:25,440 Full, satisfying life? 116 00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:29,680 Yeah, stomping around, shouting, pushing people off spaceships. 117 00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:33,360 - Well, the hours are good. - They'd have to be (!) 118 00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:36,360 - Ford, what are you doing? - Shh! 119 00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:41,120 - So, the hours are good? - Yeah. But now you mention it, 120 00:08:41,360 --> 00:08:43,760 most of the actual minutes are pretty lousy. 121 00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:46,720 Except some of the shouting I quite like. 122 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:48,560 Resistance is... 123 00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:53,120 Sure, yes, you're good at that, I can tell. 124 00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:58,760 But if the rest of it is so lousy, why do you do it? 125 00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:00,480 The girls? 126 00:09:00,720 --> 00:09:03,720 The rubber? The machismo? 127 00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:08,320 I don't know, really. I think I just sort of... do it. 128 00:09:08,560 --> 00:09:13,640 My aunt said that spaceship guard was a good career for a young Vogon - 129 00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:18,640 you know, the uniform, the low-slung stun-ray holster, mindless tedium... 130 00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:21,400 Ford, this guy's half-throttling me! 131 00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:25,000 Yeah, but try and understand his problem. 132 00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:27,320 Here he is, poor guy, 133 00:09:27,560 --> 00:09:30,960 his entire life is stamping around, pushing people off spaceships... 134 00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:33,600 - And shouting... - Yeah, and shouting! 135 00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:37,480 And he doesn't even know why he's doing it. 136 00:09:37,720 --> 00:09:40,440 Poignant, very poignant (!) 137 00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:42,880 - Now you've put it like that... - Good lad. 138 00:09:43,120 --> 00:09:45,480 All right, but what's the alternative? 139 00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:50,080 Stop doing it! Tell them you're not going to do it any more. 140 00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:51,960 Doesn't sound that great to me! 141 00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:54,720 That's just the start. There's more than that... 142 00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:57,320 No, if it's all the same to you, 143 00:09:57,560 --> 00:09:59,840 I'll just get you two shoved out, 144 00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:04,520 and then get on with some other bits of shouting. Resistance is useless! 145 00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:07,160 But come on... Now, look... 146 00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:09,520 Ow! Stop that! 147 00:10:09,760 --> 00:10:12,920 Hang on! There's music and art and things to tell you about yet! 148 00:10:13,160 --> 00:10:16,360 I think I better stick to what I know, thanks, 149 00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:18,560 but thanks for taking an interest. 150 00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:22,200 I've got a headache! I don't want to go to heaven with a headache! 151 00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:24,680 I'll be all cross and won't enjoy it. 152 00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:29,440 There's a whole world you know nothing about. How about this...? 153 00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:35,240 - Doesn't that stir anything in you? - No. 154 00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:41,840 Bye. I'll tell my aunt what you said. 155 00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:46,840 Potentially bright lad, I thought. 156 00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:53,160 Nah! 157 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:56,960 - We're trapped now, aren't we? - Yeah, we're trapped. 158 00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:59,360 Well, didn't you think of anything? 159 00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:01,520 - Yeah. - What? 160 00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:05,120 Unfortunately, it involved being on the other side of this hatchway. 161 00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:08,080 So that's it? We're going to die? 162 00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:10,560 Yeah. 163 00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:13,160 Except... no! 164 00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:16,560 Wait a minute! What's this switch? 165 00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:20,120 What? Where? 166 00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:25,040 No, I was only fooling. We're going to die after all. 167 00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:28,800 You know, it's at times like this, 168 00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:32,320 when I'm stuck in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse 169 00:11:32,560 --> 00:11:34,720 and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space, 170 00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:37,240 that I wish I'd listened to what my mother told me. 171 00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:41,400 - Why? What did she tell you? - I don't know... I didn't listen. 172 00:11:41,640 --> 00:11:44,360 Oh, terrific. 173 00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:52,560 Counterpoint the surrealism of the underlying metaphor! 174 00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:56,640 Huh! Death's too good for them! 175 00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:10,040 'The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy is a wholly remarkable book. 176 00:12:10,280 --> 00:12:13,880 'The introduction starts like this: 177 00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:31,760 'And so on... 178 00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:34,520 'After a while, the style settles down a bit, 179 00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:38,280 'and it starts telling you things you actually need to know, 180 00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:42,520 'like the fact that the fabulously beautiful planet of Bethselamin... 181 00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:45,720 'is now so worried about the cumulative erosion 182 00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:48,200 'caused by 10 billion tourists a year 183 00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:51,960 'that any net imbalance between the amount you eat 184 00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:55,360 'and the amount you excrete whilst on the planet 185 00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:59,320 'is surgically removed from your body weight when you leave. ' 186 00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:05,160 'So every time you go to the lavatory there, 187 00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:08,360 'it's vitally important to get a receipt. 188 00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:12,280 'In the entry in which it talks about dying of asphyxiation 189 00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:16,800 '30 seconds after being thrown out of a spaceship... 190 00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:35,640 '... which, amazingly, was also the phone number of an Islington flat 191 00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:39,840 'where Arthur once went to a very good party, 192 00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:42,280 'where he ate some very good food, 193 00:13:42,520 --> 00:13:46,360 'had some very good drinks with some very good friends 194 00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:51,440 'and met a very nice girl whom he totally failed to get off with. ' 195 00:13:51,680 --> 00:13:55,800 Is this guy bothering you? 196 00:13:56,920 --> 00:14:00,080 'Though the planet Earth, the Islington flat, 197 00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:03,720 'and the telephone have all now been demolished... 198 00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:06,040 'it's comforting to reflect 199 00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:10,520 'that they are all in some small way commemorated by the fact 200 00:14:10,760 --> 00:14:15,000 'that some 29 seconds later Arthur and Ford were, in fact, rescued. ' 201 00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:18,720 - Told you I'd think of something... - Oh, sure (!) 202 00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:22,720 Bright idea of mine to find a passing spaceship and get rescued by it. 203 00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:25,320 Come on! The chances against it were astronomical. 204 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:29,280 Don't knock it! It worked! 205 00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:32,600 Where the hell are we? 206 00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:36,400 Well, it looks like the seafront at Southend. 207 00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:40,240 God, I'm relieved to hear you say that! 208 00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:44,560 - I thought I must be going mad! - Perhaps you only thought I said it. 209 00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:48,680 - Well, did you or didn't you? - I think so. 210 00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:51,680 Perhaps we're both going mad. 211 00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:54,480 Nice day for it-sun... 212 00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:56,080 Sea... 213 00:14:56,320 --> 00:14:59,800 You know, if this is Southend, there's something very odd about it. 214 00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:03,120 You mean the way the sea stays steady as a rock... 215 00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:07,280 and the buildings keep washing up and down? 216 00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:10,000 I thought that was odd. 217 00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:14,040 2 to the power of 100,000 to 1 against and falling. 218 00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:16,320 What's that? 219 00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:18,840 It sounded like a measurement of probability. 220 00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:21,160 What does it mean? 221 00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:25,640 I don't know. But I definitely think we're on some kind of spaceship. 222 00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:30,880 Then, I can only assume we're not in the first-class compartment (!) 223 00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:33,360 Southend seems to be melting away... 224 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:38,040 The stars are swirling... a dustbowl... 225 00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:40,960 snow... 226 00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:45,960 My leg's drifting off into the sunset... 227 00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:52,600 My left arm's disappeared! 228 00:15:52,840 --> 00:15:56,600 How am I going to operate my digital watch now? 229 00:15:56,840 --> 00:16:00,920 Ford, you're turning into a penguin! Stop it! 230 00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:04,480 Qu-what? 231 00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:10,520 2 to the power of 75,000 to 1 against and falling... 232 00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:13,920 Hey! Who are you? Where are you? 233 00:16:14,160 --> 00:16:17,680 What's going on? And is there any way of stopping it? 234 00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:19,760 Relax. You are perfectly safe. 235 00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:22,000 That's not the point! 236 00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:25,240 The point is that I am now a perfectly safe penguin 237 00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:29,680 and my colleague is rapidly running out of limbs. 238 00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:36,480 Isn't there anything you feel you ought to be telling us? 239 00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:39,440 Welcome to the starship Heart of Gold. 240 00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:43,960 Please do not be alarmed by anything you see or hear around you. 241 00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:47,640 You are bound to feel some initial ill effects 242 00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:51,840 as you have been rescued from certain death at an improbability level 243 00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:58,120 of 2 to the power of 260,199 to 1 against, possibly much higher. 244 00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:03,320 We are now cruising at a level of 2 to the power of 25,000 to 1 against 245 00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:07,040 and falling, and we will be restoring normality 246 00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:12,680 as soon as we are sure what normal is. Thank you. 2 to the power... 247 00:17:12,920 --> 00:17:15,000 Arthur, this is fantastic! 248 00:17:15,240 --> 00:17:18,520 We've been picked up by a ship with the new Infinite Improbability Drive! 249 00:17:18,760 --> 00:17:21,160 This is incredible, Arthur... 250 00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:25,960 Arthur? What's happening? 251 00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:29,480 Ford, there's an infinite number of monkeys out here 252 00:17:29,720 --> 00:17:34,680 who want to talk to us about this script for Hamlet they've worked out. 253 00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:39,760 'The Infinite Improbability Drive 254 00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:43,560 'is a wonderful new method of crossing interstellar distances 255 00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:47,520 'in a few seconds, without all that tedious mucking about in hyperspace. 256 00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:51,680 'The principle of generating small amounts of finite improbability, 257 00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:56,960 'by simply hooking the logic circuits of a Bambleweeny 57 Sub-Meson Brain 258 00:17:57,200 --> 00:17:59,920 'to an atomic vector plotter, 259 00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:03,320 'suspended in a Brownian Motion producer-say, a nice cup of tea - 260 00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:05,560 'had long been understood, 261 00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:09,440 'and such generators were often used to break the ice at parties 262 00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:13,000 'by making all the molecules in the hostess's undergarments 263 00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:16,840 'simultaneously leap one foot to the left, 264 00:18:17,080 --> 00:18:21,240 'in accordance with the theory of indeterminacy. 265 00:18:21,480 --> 00:18:26,320 'Many respectable physicists said they wouldn't stand for such a thing, 266 00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:29,600 'partly because it was a debasement of science, 267 00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:33,360 'but mostly because they didn't get invited to those sort of parties. 268 00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:35,520 'Another thing they couldn't stand 269 00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:39,320 'was their perpetual failure in trying to construct a machine 270 00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:42,760 'which could generate the Infinite Improbability field 271 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:46,120 'needed to flip a spaceship between the furthest stars... 272 00:18:46,360 --> 00:18:48,360 'and, in the end, 273 00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:53,040 'they grumpily announced that such a machine was virtually impossible. 274 00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:58,760 'Then, one evening, a student, who had been left to sweep up the lab 275 00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:01,800 'after a particularly unsuccessful party, 276 00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:04,600 'found himself reasoning this way... 277 00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:07,720 'If such a machine is a virtual impossibility, 278 00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:11,600 'then it must, logically, be a finite improbability. 279 00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:14,000 'So all I have to do to make one 280 00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:16,760 'is work out exactly how improbable it is... 281 00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:20,640 'feed that figure into the finite improbability generator... 282 00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:26,640 'give it a fresh cup of really hot tea and turn it on. 283 00:19:26,880 --> 00:19:31,040 'The moment he did this, he was rather startled to discover 284 00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:34,320 'that he had managed to create the long sought-after 285 00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:40,400 'Infinite Improbability Generator out of thin air. 286 00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:49,360 'It startled him even more 287 00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:52,960 'when, just after he was awarded the Galactic Institute's prize 288 00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:55,200 'for extreme cleverness, 289 00:19:55,440 --> 00:19:58,800 'he got lynched by a rampaging mob of respectable physicists 290 00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:01,360 'who had finally realised 291 00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:06,720 'the one thing they really couldn't stand was a smartass!' 292 00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:13,320 5 to 1 against and falling. 293 00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:16,760 4 to 1 against and falling. 294 00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:18,840 3 to 1... 295 00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:21,440 2... 1... 296 00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:24,480 Probability factor of 1 to 1. 297 00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:29,560 We have normality. I repeat-we have normality. 298 00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:33,280 Anything you still can't cope with is, therefore, your own problem. 299 00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:36,720 - Who are they, Trillian? - A couple of guys we picked up. 300 00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:43,000 Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha. 301 00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:45,320 That's very sweet, Trillian, 302 00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:47,760 but do you really think it's wise? 303 00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:50,120 We're on the run and everything, 304 00:20:50,360 --> 00:20:53,560 we've got the police of half the Galaxy after us, 305 00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:55,680 and we pick up hitchhikers. 306 00:20:55,920 --> 00:20:58,960 10 out of 10 for style, but minus several million for thinking. 307 00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:03,360 They were floating in open space. You didn't want them to die, did you? 308 00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:05,200 Not as such... 309 00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:07,280 A second later, they'd have died. 310 00:21:07,520 --> 00:21:11,480 So if you'd thought about it a moment longer, it would've gone away, right? 311 00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:17,199 Anyway, I didn't pick them up. The ship did-all by itself. 312 00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:20,320 - Hey, what? - Hey, what? 313 00:21:20,560 --> 00:21:23,160 - The ship picked them up by itself. - So what? 314 00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:26,680 The ship... Oh, forget it and go back to sleep! 315 00:21:29,760 --> 00:21:33,120 We picked them up while we were in Infinite Improbability Drive. 316 00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:38,880 - But that's incredible! - No, just very, very improbable. 317 00:21:39,120 --> 00:21:42,520 Don't worry about the aliens. Just a couple of guys, I expect. 318 00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:47,200 I'll send the robot down to check them out. Marvin? 319 00:21:52,280 --> 00:21:56,160 I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed. 320 00:21:56,400 --> 00:21:59,440 Oh, God! 321 00:21:59,680 --> 00:22:02,320 Here's something to take your mind off things. 322 00:22:02,560 --> 00:22:05,480 It won't work. I have an exceptionally large mind. 323 00:22:05,720 --> 00:22:07,520 Marvin! 324 00:22:07,760 --> 00:22:10,440 All right. What do you want me to do? 325 00:22:10,680 --> 00:22:17,480 Go down to number 3 entry bay and bring the two aliens up here. 326 00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:20,920 Just that? 327 00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:23,520 - Yes. - I won't enjoy it. 328 00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:25,400 Just do it! 329 00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:28,320 All right! I'll do it. 330 00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:31,040 Good. Great. Thank you. 331 00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:34,760 I'm not getting you down at all, am I? 332 00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:37,440 No, no, Marvin, that's just fine, really. 333 00:22:37,680 --> 00:22:40,120 I wouldn't like to think I was getting you down. 334 00:22:40,360 --> 00:22:42,120 No, don't worry about that. 335 00:22:42,360 --> 00:22:45,280 You just act naturally and everything will be fine. 336 00:22:45,520 --> 00:22:48,800 - You're sure you don't mind? - No, no. It's just part of life. 337 00:22:49,040 --> 00:22:54,360 Life! Don't talk to me about life! 338 00:22:55,560 --> 00:23:00,120 I don't think I can stand that robot much longer, Zaphod. 339 00:23:00,360 --> 00:23:03,960 'The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot 340 00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:09,360 'as a mechanical apparatus designed to do the work of a man. 341 00:23:10,080 --> 00:23:15,680 'The Marketing Division of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation 342 00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:19,280 'defines a robot as: 343 00:23:23,640 --> 00:23:25,880 'The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy 344 00:23:26,120 --> 00:23:32,360 'defines the Marketing Division of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation: 345 00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:48,760 'Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica 346 00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:53,000 'that fell through a time warp from 1,000 years in the future 347 00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:57,160 'defines the Marketing Division of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation 348 00:23:57,400 --> 00:23:59,800 'as A bunch of mindless jerks 349 00:24:00,040 --> 00:24:04,480 'who were the first against the wall when the revolution came. ' 350 00:24:04,720 --> 00:24:08,000 I think this ship is brand-new, Arthur. 351 00:24:08,240 --> 00:24:12,520 Have you got some exotic device for measuring the age of metal? 352 00:24:12,760 --> 00:24:14,920 No. I just found this sales brochure. 353 00:24:15,160 --> 00:24:18,800 The Universe can be yours for a mere five quilliard Altairian dollars. 354 00:24:19,040 --> 00:24:20,280 Cheap? 355 00:24:20,520 --> 00:24:24,520 A quilliard is a whole page of noughts with a one at the beginning. 356 00:24:24,760 --> 00:24:27,240 Ah, this is what I was after! 357 00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:30,920 Sensational new breakthrough in improbability physics. 358 00:24:31,160 --> 00:24:35,040 As the ship's drive reaches Infinite Improbability, 359 00:24:35,280 --> 00:24:38,480 it passes through every point in the Universe. 360 00:24:38,720 --> 00:24:42,840 Be the envy of other major governments. Wow! 361 00:24:43,080 --> 00:24:46,960 It's a whole lot better than that dingy Vogon crate! 362 00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:49,840 This is my idea of a spaceship, 363 00:24:50,080 --> 00:24:54,520 all gleaming metal, flashing lights, everything... 364 00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:59,400 - What happens if I press this? - Don't! 365 00:24:59,640 --> 00:25:02,400 Oh! 366 00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:04,360 What happened? 367 00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:10,360 A sign lit up saying, Please do not press this button again. 368 00:25:11,240 --> 00:25:14,880 They make a big thing of the ship's cybernetics. 369 00:25:15,120 --> 00:25:18,560 A new generation of Sirius Cybernetics Corporation computers 370 00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:21,440 and robots with the new GPP feature. 371 00:25:21,680 --> 00:25:23,760 GPP? What's that? 372 00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:28,400 - Genuine People Personalities. - Sounds ghastly. 373 00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:30,120 It is. 374 00:25:30,360 --> 00:25:32,360 What? 375 00:25:32,600 --> 00:25:36,720 It all is. Absolutely ghastly. 376 00:25:36,960 --> 00:25:39,600 Just don't even talk about it. 377 00:25:39,840 --> 00:25:41,920 Look at this door. 378 00:25:42,160 --> 00:25:46,240 All the doors in this spacecraft have a cheerful, sunny disposition. 379 00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:48,880 It is their pleasure to open for you 380 00:25:49,120 --> 00:25:52,400 and their satisfaction to close again 381 00:25:52,640 --> 00:25:55,560 with the knowledge of a job well done. 382 00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:58,240 Glad to be of service. 383 00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:02,399 Hateful, isn't it? 384 00:26:02,400 --> 00:26:06,520 Come on. I've been ordered to take you up to the bridge. 385 00:26:06,760 --> 00:26:09,160 Here I am, brain the size of a planet, 386 00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:12,560 and they tell me to take you up to the bridge. 387 00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:17,920 Call that job satisfaction? 'Cause I don't! 388 00:26:18,160 --> 00:26:21,280 - Which government owns this ship? - Watch this door. 389 00:26:21,520 --> 00:26:23,920 It's about to open again. 390 00:26:24,160 --> 00:26:29,280 I can tell by the intolerable air of smugness it suddenly generates. 391 00:26:29,520 --> 00:26:32,280 Enjoy your trip through this door! 392 00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:36,120 Come on. 393 00:26:40,120 --> 00:26:42,360 Thank you! 394 00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:44,760 Thank you very much, 395 00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:50,440 the Marketing Division of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation (!) 396 00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:54,440 Excuse me... Which government...? 397 00:26:54,680 --> 00:27:00,080 Let's build robots with Genuine People Personalities, they said, 398 00:27:00,320 --> 00:27:03,320 so they tried it out with me. 399 00:27:03,560 --> 00:27:07,800 I'm a personality prototype... You can tell, can't you? 400 00:27:08,040 --> 00:27:12,880 - Which govern...? - I hate that door. 401 00:27:13,480 --> 00:27:15,600 I'm not getting you down, am I? 402 00:27:15,840 --> 00:27:18,200 Which government owns this...? 403 00:27:18,440 --> 00:27:21,280 No government owns it. It's been stolen. 404 00:27:21,520 --> 00:27:24,760 - Stolen? - Stolen? 405 00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:27,840 - Who by? - Zaphod Beeblebrox. 406 00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:32,760 - Zaphod Beeblebrox?! - Sorry, did I say something wrong? 407 00:27:33,000 --> 00:27:35,080 Pardon me for breathing, 408 00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:38,920 which I never do anyway, so I don't know why I bother to say it. 409 00:27:39,160 --> 00:27:42,680 Oh, God, I'm so depressed! 410 00:27:42,920 --> 00:27:46,120 Here's another of those self-satisfied doors! 411 00:27:46,360 --> 00:27:51,400 Life! Don't talk to me about life! 412 00:27:51,640 --> 00:27:53,720 No one even mentioned it! 413 00:27:53,960 --> 00:27:56,440 Glad to be of service. 414 00:27:56,680 --> 00:28:00,480 Really, Zaphod Beeblebrox...! 415 00:28:00,720 --> 00:28:03,200 Reports brought to you here on the sub-etha waveband, 416 00:28:03,440 --> 00:28:06,000 broadcasting around the Galaxy, around the clock. 417 00:28:06,240 --> 00:28:10,160 We'll be saying a big hello to all intelligent lifeforms everywhere. 418 00:28:10,400 --> 00:28:14,000 And to everyone else, the secret is bang the rocks together, guys. 419 00:28:14,240 --> 00:28:17,320 The big story tonight is the sensational theft 420 00:28:17,560 --> 00:28:21,320 of the Improbability prototype ship, by none other than Zaphod Beeblebrox. 421 00:28:21,560 --> 00:28:23,880 And the question everyone's asking - 422 00:28:24,120 --> 00:28:25,920 has the big Zee finally flipped? 423 00:28:26,160 --> 00:28:29,680 Beeblebrox, inventor of the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, 424 00:28:29,920 --> 00:28:33,680 ex-confidence trickster, part-time Galactic President, 425 00:28:33,920 --> 00:28:38,880 described by Eccentrica Gallumbits as The best bang since the big one, 426 00:28:39,120 --> 00:28:42,200 and recently voted the worst-dressed sentient being in the Universe 427 00:28:42,440 --> 00:28:44,560 for the seventh time running... 428 00:28:44,800 --> 00:28:49,120 Has he got an answer? We asked his brain care specialist Gag Halfrunt. 429 00:28:49,360 --> 00:28:53,760 Well, Zaphod's just zis guy, you know... 430 00:28:54,000 --> 00:28:57,360 Beeblebrox stole the Improbability Drive Ship 431 00:28:57,600 --> 00:28:59,800 when he was meant to be launching it... 432 00:29:00,040 --> 00:29:04,400 - Hey, kid, what'd you do that for? - I just thought of something. 433 00:29:04,640 --> 00:29:06,920 Worth interrupting a bulletin about me for? 434 00:29:07,160 --> 00:29:09,840 Can we leave your ego out of this? This is important. 435 00:29:10,080 --> 00:29:13,600 If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it shot! 436 00:29:13,840 --> 00:29:17,600 - We picked up the couple of guys... - What couple of guys? 437 00:29:17,840 --> 00:29:21,960 - The couple of guys we picked up! - Oh, yeah. Those couple of guys. 438 00:29:22,200 --> 00:29:27,600 We picked them up in Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha. 439 00:29:27,840 --> 00:29:30,160 - Yeah! - Does that mean anything to you? 440 00:29:30,400 --> 00:29:34,720 - Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha! - Well? 441 00:29:34,760 --> 00:29:37,040 What does the Z mean? 442 00:29:37,280 --> 00:29:40,000 - Which one? - Any one. 443 00:29:40,240 --> 00:29:43,960 Would you mind looking at the Galactic charts? 444 00:29:44,200 --> 00:29:46,160 Hey, that's wild! 445 00:29:46,400 --> 00:29:51,280 We should have zapped right into the Horsehead Nebula. That is nowhere! 446 00:29:51,520 --> 00:29:53,200 Improbability Drive. 447 00:29:53,440 --> 00:29:55,920 We pass through every point in the Universe! 448 00:29:56,160 --> 00:29:59,400 Yeah, but actually picking those dudes up there 449 00:29:59,640 --> 00:30:03,160 is just too wild a coincidence. I want to work this out. Computer! 450 00:30:03,400 --> 00:30:08,040 Hi, there. Whatever your problem, I am here to help you solve it. 451 00:30:08,280 --> 00:30:11,400 - Shut up and work something out. - A probability forecast based on... 452 00:30:11,640 --> 00:30:12,920 Improbability data! 453 00:30:13,160 --> 00:30:18,000 OK. Did you know most people's lives are governed by telephone numbers? 454 00:30:18,240 --> 00:30:21,080 Telephone numbers? 455 00:30:25,520 --> 00:30:29,640 I've got this terrible pain in all the diodes down my left side. 456 00:30:29,880 --> 00:30:31,560 Really? 457 00:30:31,800 --> 00:30:34,680 Oh, yes. I mean, I've asked for them to be replaced, 458 00:30:34,920 --> 00:30:36,960 but no one ever listens. 459 00:30:37,200 --> 00:30:40,840 I can imagine. 460 00:30:41,240 --> 00:30:44,800 Well, well, well, Zaphod Beeblebrox! 461 00:30:45,040 --> 00:30:49,680 I don't believe it! This is just too amazing! 462 00:30:49,920 --> 00:30:51,880 Trillian! Trillian? 463 00:30:52,120 --> 00:30:55,240 Oh, this is going to be great! 464 00:30:55,480 --> 00:31:01,120 I'm going to be so amazingly cool it would fluster a Vegan snow lizard! 465 00:31:01,360 --> 00:31:04,920 What real cool! Several million points out of ten for style! 466 00:31:05,160 --> 00:31:11,480 Right, which is the most nonchalant chair to be discovered in? 467 00:31:12,680 --> 00:31:17,120 Glad to be of service. 468 00:31:22,960 --> 00:31:26,720 I suppose you'll want to see the aliens now. 469 00:31:26,960 --> 00:31:32,200 Do you want me to rust in a corner or fall apart where I'm standing? 470 00:31:32,440 --> 00:31:33,720 Show them in. 471 00:31:33,960 --> 00:31:37,400 Thank you. 472 00:31:39,080 --> 00:31:45,000 Ford, hi. How are you? Glad you could drop in. 473 00:31:45,240 --> 00:31:48,880 Oh, hi, Zaphod, great to see you. You're looking well. 474 00:31:49,120 --> 00:31:53,960 The extra arm suits you. Hey, this is a great ship you've stolen! 475 00:31:54,200 --> 00:31:57,840 Ford, you mean you know this person... s? 476 00:31:58,080 --> 00:32:01,360 Know him? He's my... Oh, hey, Zaphod... 477 00:32:01,600 --> 00:32:06,000 This is my friend - Arthur Dent. I saved him when his planet blew up. 478 00:32:06,240 --> 00:32:08,600 Hi, Arthur. Glad you could make it. 479 00:32:08,840 --> 00:32:10,840 - This is... - We've met! 480 00:32:11,080 --> 00:32:13,360 What? 481 00:32:13,600 --> 00:32:15,680 Oh, er, have we? 482 00:32:15,920 --> 00:32:19,360 Hey! 483 00:32:23,320 --> 00:32:25,880 What do you mean-met? 484 00:32:26,120 --> 00:32:29,400 This is Zaphod Beeblebrox from Betelgeuse 5, you know, 485 00:32:29,640 --> 00:32:31,560 not bloody Martin Smith from Croydon. 486 00:32:31,800 --> 00:32:35,920 I don't care. We've met, haven't we, Zaphod? 487 00:32:36,160 --> 00:32:39,600 - Or should I say... Phil? - What? 488 00:32:39,840 --> 00:32:44,800 - At a party six months ago. - Hey, I really doubt that... 489 00:32:45,040 --> 00:32:48,240 On Earth, England, 490 00:32:48,480 --> 00:32:50,640 London, Islington. 491 00:32:50,880 --> 00:32:55,320 - Oh, hey, yeah! That party? - What? 492 00:32:55,560 --> 00:32:58,240 You mean you've been to that miserable little planet as well? 493 00:32:58,480 --> 00:33:00,920 I may have dropped in on my way somewhere. 494 00:33:01,160 --> 00:33:02,880 At this party was a girl I was after. 495 00:33:03,120 --> 00:33:05,800 Beautiful, charming, devastatingly intelligent... 496 00:33:06,040 --> 00:33:09,160 everything I'd been saving myself up for. 497 00:33:09,400 --> 00:33:12,800 Along comes your friend and says, Hey, doll! Is this guy boring you? 498 00:33:13,040 --> 00:33:16,240 Why don't you talk to me? I'm from a different planet. 499 00:33:16,480 --> 00:33:20,200 - Zaphod? - He only had two arms and one head, 500 00:33:20,440 --> 00:33:22,120 and called himself Phil, but... 501 00:33:22,360 --> 00:33:25,320 But you must admit, he was from another planet! 502 00:33:25,560 --> 00:33:27,640 Good heavens! Tricia McMillan! 503 00:33:27,880 --> 00:33:30,560 - Trillian to you. - Infinity minus 1. 504 00:33:30,800 --> 00:33:34,000 - For my next trick... - Shut up! 505 00:33:34,240 --> 00:33:36,640 What are you doing here? 506 00:33:36,880 --> 00:33:39,080 Same as you. I hitched a lift. 507 00:33:39,320 --> 00:33:42,040 With a degree in maths and another in astrophysics, 508 00:33:42,280 --> 00:33:44,720 it was either that or back to the dole on Monday. 509 00:33:44,960 --> 00:33:47,240 Oh, God! Ford, this is Trillian. 510 00:33:47,480 --> 00:33:49,560 Hi! Trillian, my semi-cousin, Ford, 511 00:33:49,800 --> 00:33:52,480 who shares three of the same mothers as me. 512 00:33:52,720 --> 00:33:55,320 Is this sort of thing going to happen every time we use the Drive? 513 00:33:55,480 --> 00:33:57,760 Very probably, I'm afraid. 514 00:33:58,000 --> 00:34:03,880 Zaphod Beeblebrox, this is a very large drink. Hi.