♪ When you say goodbye ♪
♪ Yes, that'll be the day ♪
♪ When you make me cry ♪
♪ You say you're gonna leave ♪
♪ You know it's a lie ♪
♪ 'Cause that'll be the day ♪
♪ When I die ♪
('50s style rock n' roll music)
- My break's only five minutes,
so let's make this quick, yeah?
You're Pauline, right?
You want someone investigated.
- Sorry, you're Jay?
What, are you 16?
- What, you expecting an old guy with a raincoat?
No, this shit's just here so my mum doesn't wonder
how I'm affording my Yeezys.
- Right, sorry, I thought I was hiring
a professional private investigator.
I'm out.
- Your name's Fran, you're 50,
but you tell people you're 49.
You have the same password for everything.
Bonzo22, first pet, I'm assuming,
and you have 14,338 points on your Sparks card.
- Bonzo was my first girlfriend, actually.
- (laughs) You had a girlfriend called Bonzo?
- It was the '90s! Different times.
This is the mark, Kat Gaitskill.
Fancies herself as some kind of self-help guru.
- This is all I need.
- I need a thorough job, bruv.
I'm telling you, I need some serious dirt on this woman.
- Listen, fam, first thing you learn in this game
is everyone's got nasty shit in their closet.
No exceptions.
Whatever it is Kat lady's hiding, I'll find it.
That's why I'm the best in the biz.
- I believe you, bro.
- Hey, Jay!
One Mungo Mischief, two Smarty Pants, one Nutcase, Pronto!
- Laters.
- Cheers, my mandem.
♪ 'Cause that'll be the day ♪
♪ When I die ♪
(dramatic booming) (gun cocking)
(Fran whistling)
- I'm so glad we went with a polyfiber shovel.
I mean, yes, stainless steel is a little bit sexier,
but you know, this one really, really
helps the old back out.
- Fran, are you all right?
- Well, of course I am.
Why wouldn't I be?
- This is our last job, end of an era.
I thought you might be, I don't know, upset?
Not that I want that, obviously.
- Oh, mate, of course I'm upset.
Of course I'm upset.
You know, devastated, but you know,
at the same time, I've been thinking,
and maybe you're right.
Maybe it's time for us to do our own thing for awhile.
You know?
We're off on new adventures.
I'm gonna go to Japan, you're gonna work with Kat
and to be honest, I'm really excited for us.
- That is good, because I'm really excited for us, too.
- Well, then, I'm excited that both of us are excited.
- Definitely. - Yeah!
- And all that stuff you were saying
about Kat's evil plan to steal me away.
- Come on, you know, we were trapped in a coffin.
I didn't know what I was saying.
Kat is great and obviously, there were difficulties
at the beginning, I'm not gonna lie,
but you don't get to be best friends immediately.
You like her, and I'm sure I'm gonna like her too.
- Yeah.
I think you need to get to know Kat a little bit better.
- You know, you're right.
I can't wait to get to know everything about her. (chuckles)
(gentle music)
(door banging)
- So let me get this straight.
You want a refund, 'cause you don't think
she cares enough about your feelings?
(chuckles) I sold you Thai bride, mate,
not a therapist. (laughs)
(dramatic whooshing) (typewriter clacking)
Dickhead.
(ethereal music) Oy!
The fuck's going on up there?
I'm the fucking buzz of this shithole.
Now get stuck into my deep tissue
or I'll have you shipped back to Laos
before you can say namaste.
(footsteps creaking)
What the? Oh, fuck!
(ethereal music)
(cart rattling)
(Siobhan yelling)
(ethereal music)
♪ Seas ♪
♪ Everybody ♪ - Well, that was one
of our slicker extractions.
- Definitely.
Oh, by the way, great chat on the footwear, chum.
I mean, the grip of those things.
- Insane, right?
I know it's taken us awhile, but I really think
we've got this whole hitman thing down.
It's so nice to go out on a high.
- Yeah, definitely.
♪ Some of them want to be abused ♪
- Ooh, Fran, almost forgot.
I got you a little something.
- What? That is so cute!
A little gun earring.
Ah, that's gonna go with absolutely everything.
- It's just to say good luck in Japan,
and thanks for the last 20 years.
- And I've got you something.
- Fran, I really hope you haven't gone all out,
because honestly, I'll be happy with a voucher for Next,
or a nice bottle of fizz, or a packet
of heavy duty rubber gloves.
- Yes, because our friendship is durable,
and also, water resistant.
- Didn't we buy these in the shop this morning?
- Yes, we did.
Full disclosure, didn't know we were doing presents.
I will buy you a drink at Kat's do.
- It's a free bar, but thanks.
I'm so chuffed you're coming to the soft launch.
Kat made me promise to bring you.
- Can we please stop referring to it as a soft launch?
- That's what it's called when you throw
a party for a new book.
I'm gonna have to get used to all this new lingo.
- Yeah, well, it just makes me think of a guy
in Timberlands firing a party balloon off his cock.
(device beeps) It's all right, I got it.
There we go.
It's from Jay.
Got important info for you.
Will call you ASAP.
What's that all about?
- Oh, just some Japan admin.
Jay is Mr. V's assistant.
I'm flying really early in the morning.
So he's helping me out.
So where are we gonna do this?
The canal, the old favourite?
- Canal? Mate, this is our last hit.
Don't we wanna go out with a bit more pizazz?
- [Fran] All right, go on, then.
- Ooh, how 'bout the hospital?
- No, I don't like the new incinerator.
There's something about that crank shaft
that's a little bit stiff.
- Ooh, a little bit stiff?
A little bit stiff? - Yes, I did, I got that.
- Oh, hang on, Fran.
I've got the perfect place.
♪ Ah, ha, ha ♪
♪ Sweet dreams are made of these ♪
♪ Who am I to disagree ♪
♪ I traveled the world ♪
♪ And the seven seas ♪
♪ Everybody's looking for something ♪
♪ Sweet dreams ♪ (door banging)
- (chuckles) Still not ringing any bells?
- Mm.
- You'll kick yourself.
- God this is-
- Where we did our first hit.
- [Both] The guy with the glasses.
- Yes. - Nice lad.
- Such a sweetie.
- God, do you remember the nerves, Fran?
- God, we were so scared.
We couldn't even hold our guns straight.
I mean, no wonder he got away.
- If only those two plonkers could see us now.
(door bangs)
(bright adventure music)
- Nothing's changed.
Is there anything in that bag she can use?
- I don't think so.
(bright adventure music)
- Yes! (chuckles)
♪ Thunder in my chest ♪
♪ Mm, stick in my throat ♪
- So what did we do when the guy
with glasses got away? ♪ Pulling me down ♪
♪ Like a rumble in the ground ♪
- Hmm.
Didn't we find him with his legs stuck in a drain?
- Oh, yeah. Ooh, I've broken my ankle.
- I think you've got bigger problems
than that, mate. (laughs)
(metallic clanging) Fuck!
- Okay, there might've been a spare gun in that bag.
- Oh, you think? (bangs)
♪ Big bomb body ♪
♪ Lonely neck ♪
♪ Swear it was a woman ♪ - Get in here!
- God, that was close. ♪ That he had in his grip ♪
- Weirdly, I am gonna miss this.
♪ Big vibrations, yeah ♪
♪ Just one glance ♪
♪ He's gonna blow my mind ♪
♪ He's gonna make me wanna ♪
♪ Make me wanna, oh ♪
♪ Johnny got a boom boom ♪
♪ Johnny got a bam ♪
♪ He got a ♪ (gunshots blasting)
- Oy! How 'bout you let me go?
- Uh, well, this is our final job together,
so it's sort of sentimental value,
and can't put a price on that.
- 100 grand? - 100 grand?
- No!
- Plus, I'll throw in two lifetime spa passes.
- Complimentary skin care products.
- I ain't made of money.
- We're prepared to compromise.
- No, it's a hard no.
(gunshots blasting) (upbeat punk rock music)
You can run, but you can't hide.
- Well, she can hide. - Yeah, thank you.
(upbeat punk rock music)
♪ You got a reaction ♪ (gunshots blasting)
- Flank her.
♪ You got a reaction didn't, you ♪
♪ You took a white orchid ♪
♪ You took a white orchid turned it blue ♪
♪ Something better than nothing ♪
♪ Something better than nothing, it's giving up ♪
♪ We all need to do something ♪
♪ Try and keep the truth from showing up ♪
♪ Away ♪ (upbeat music)
- Why are you doing a wanking sign?
♪ Get behind me ♪ (phone rings)
- Ooh, Jay. ♪ Get behind me now, anyway ♪
- Give it to me, fam.
What's Kat into?
Is it weird sex stuff?
Money laundering or- - Listen.
I've never had this before.
- You're ruining our last job.
(gunshot blasts)
- What was that? - It's nothing.
It's weird sex stuff, isn't it?
Please tell me it's weird sex stuff.
- There's nothing.
- What do you mean, nothing?
- I mean, she's literally got nothing on her.
She's whiter than mountain biking, bruv.
This Kat lady doesn't have a parking ticket to her name.
- Yeah, you need to keep digging, okay?
- I've looked at everything, trust me.
There's a handful of not so very profitable companies
alongside the self-help business,
but nothing that's even close to dirt.
I'll send you through my file in a bit,
but I doubt there's anything you can use.
I'm sorry, yeah?
Oi!
Do not make me bar you, bro.
(dramatic adventure music)
(gunshots blasting)
(dramatic music)
- Where's the other Muppet?
(Fran clears throat)
- Hello, Siobhan.
(dramatic music)
- This is it? I can't believe it.
It's our final hit.
- Guess so.
(Siobhan whimpers)
This isn't right, Jamie, I'm sorry.
I've not been honest with you.
I feel shit about all this, I do.
I feel angry and I feel jealous.
I have these crazy thoughts in my head about Kat,
and I think it's just been easier for me
to blame somebody else than accept the fact
that you and I doing everything together
all the time just had to come to an end.
- I'm so glad you said something, mate.
To be honest, I've been kind of bummed out
you seemed so fine with it.
I've been putting on a bit of a show today, too.
I'm gagging it.
What am I gonna do without you to fall back on?
What if I'm really, really bad at the new job?
Maybe I should just come to Japan.
- No, because you're gonna smash it.
I know you are, I know it.
Kat is so lucky to have you.
Plus you need a break from boring old Professor Snape here.
- Hang on.
Was he the beardy guy that kept inviting kids
back to his cottage?
- No, mate, that's Hagrid, and he's more of a handyman
than a professor, but it doesn't matter.
Let it go.
- It really says a lot that after all this time,
we can still be so honest with each other.
(heartfelt orchestral music) ("At Last")
- Come on, you. Let's go to Kat's party.
- Soft launch.
- Don't say soft launch.
God, I completely forgot.
(gunshot blasts) (wound squelches)
Well remembered.
- Ooh, now, what are you gonna wear to Kat's do?
♪ At last ♪
(dramatic banging) (gun cocking)
♪ Blue skies smiling at me ♪
♪ Nothing but blue skies ♪
♪ Do I see ♪
♪ Bluebirds ♪ - I keep forgetting
how ridiculously big Kat's place is.
- I know, right?
There are rooms in here even I haven't been in.
(door clicking)
I haven't even given hedge maze a try yet.
- Hedge maze?
Who does she think she is, Anne Boleyn?
- Who'd have thought my flat being demolished
would turn out to be kinda great?
Must be all the positive karma I'm putting out in the world.
- Hi, guys.
Hello.
Thank you for coming.
Aw.
Jamie, you look amazing.
- Yay!
Sorry we're late.
The job took a bit longer than expected.
- Yeah, well, last day you're working together,
lots of emotions, I imagine.
Fran, Japan?
I think they'll really get you over there.
Jamie, there's some people I'd like you to meet.
Fran, there's a free bar.
So feel free to get stuck in.
No spirits, I'm afraid, but I'm sure
they could dig something out if you're really desperate.
- There's no seafood in this, is there?
- No.
- Hmm.
(group laughing)
- So how do you know Kat?
You work in publishing or?
- Oh, no.
But it's an interesting story.
We were at school together-
- Sorry, I've seen someone I know.
(man spitting)
- The waitress said there wasn't any seafood in it. (vomits)
(light music)
(people chattering in the distance)
(gentle music)
- Oh, please.
(muffled jazzy music)
(pages rustling)
- [Jamie] What you doing hiding in here?
- Bloody hell, Jamie, you scared me.
- Come on, I'll introduce you to Kat's friends.
- Oh, no, I'm fine, honestly.
I'm old enough to have met everybody I need to in my life.
- You'll love them, I promise you.
- Ah, that's what you said about Magic Mike Live,
and then I ended up with some guy's balls
on my shoulder for an hour and a half.
(light music)
- Ah, Jamie, there you are.
- Hi.
- Sorry, everyone, this is Fran,
Jamie's colleague, former colleague.
I'm wanted.
Jamie, come with me.
- Whoo, gosh, it is so hot.
(glass clinking)
- Ladies and gents, two words.
Kat Gaitskill.
Come inside, everybody.
(heels clacking)
- Yeah, yeah, bye.
I've got two words.
- Wow.
Wow.
Thank you, thank you so much for coming
to the soft launch of my new book, "I Am in Control."
(crowd claps)
Thank you, thank you.
I don't suppose the turnout has anything whatsoever
to do with the free food. (laughs)
(crowd laughs)
No, but seriously, my success means nothing
without the people I love.
- [Crowd] Aww.
- And I feel so lucky for my success and for my talent,
for my lovely home, sure, but most of all,
I feel lucky because the universe has finally blessed me
with the only thing that really matters,
a friendship that I know will last forever.
My roomie, my confidant, my new colleague, Jamie.
Come on, come up here, Jamie.
(crowd claps) (phone beeping)
Come up here, come on, Jamie.
Come on.
Don't be shy.
Jamie, everyone.
Okay.
So, no, not up, just there.
(water trickling)
- No fucking way.
- So I would like to propose a toast.
- Ooh, um, sorry, excuse me.
Oop, sorry.
I'd like to propose a little toast myself,
if that's okay, Kat.
Hmm?
- Yeah, sure.
- I think we all know that Kat is being rather modest.
Luck has absolutely nothing to do with her success.
No, everything she's achieved she's done
through a mixture of hard work and dedication,
and careful planning.
- Here, here.
- Thank you, you're very kind.
- The same, of course, true
for Kat's friendship with Jamie, right?
Was it luck, for example,
that brought Jamie back into Kat's life?
Or was it the fact that Kat owns the company
that bulldozed Jamie's flat?
I was expecting a bit of a gasp or something there, guys,
if I'm honest.
- Fran, what are you talking about?
- It's true.
Kat own the company that made you homeless, Jamie.
Bit of a coincidence, yeah?
It all adds up. Just think about it.
You know, she gets you out of your gaffe,
she invites you into her swanky new mansion
so you can buddy up to you, and hey, oh,
I'm out in the cold like a hooling great bellend.
- How do you know all this?
- Because I hired a private investigator.
(crowd gasps) - What? That gets a gasp?
Really?
- You did what?
- I was worried about you, Jamie.
Who knows what Kat's really up to.
You know, it's like that German bloke
who befriended that other bloke and then invited him round
and paid him to eat his own dick.
That actually happened, by the way.
You can look that up.
That's not the same as this, obviously.
That, it's different, but you get my point,
which is she's been lying this whole time.
- Jamie, it's true.
A company I own did acquire your building
and demolish it, but I had no idea you lived there.
And as soon as I found out at the reunion,
I did everything I could to try and make it better.
But I should've been totally honest with you,
and the fact that I wasn't, I will regret
until the day I die.
I'm so sorry.
Can you forgive me?
- Come on.
- What?
- [Crowd] Aw.
- Wow.
You think you know everything about emotional growth,
and then, hmm.
- She admitted it.
Did you hear that?
She admitted everything.
She admitted she lied.
I know she did some lovely things
to cover it all up and blah, blah, blah,
but a lie is a lie forever, ladies and gentlemen.
- I think you should go, Fran.
- Jamie.
(footsteps shuffling)
- You okay? (cardboard stand banging)
Ooh, I think someone hit the free bar too hard. (laughs)
(crowd chuckles)
(door banging)
(birds chirping)
- Oh, God, I'm going, I'm promise, I'm going.
- Fran, I've come out here to ask you to stay.
This is all just a silly misunderstanding.
- I accused you of cannibalism.
- Yeah, okay, that was kinda crazy,
but I totally get it.
You're worried about Jamie, but honestly,
you've done me a huge favour.
I've been feeling so guilty about Jamie's flat,
and now I feel like a huge weight's been lifted.
Come on, Fran, you're going away tomorrow.
Do you really want to leave things like this?
(soft rock music)
(door banging)
(crowd chattering)
- I thought the party was out here.
- Poor thing wanted to be on her own.
She's downstairs in my meditation studio.
♪ I should've told you ♪
♪ Be careful what you wish for ♪
♪ Careful what you wish for ♪
♪ Be careful what you wish for ♪
- Nearly there. ♪ I know who you are ♪
- Ah, bloody thing's on the blink again.
♪ How you came to be, yeah ♪
♪ Ooh ♪ (lock beeping)
- Jamie, I've got someone here to see you.
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪ - Jamie?
Jamie, I just came to say sorry, mate.
Jamie?
(tense music)
(dramatic music)
(eerie music)
(object smacking) (Fran thudding)
♪ You can get it if you really want ♪
♪ But you must try ♪
♪ Try and try ♪
♪ You succeed at last ♪
♪ Mm, hmm, hmm ♪
♪ Ooh yeah ♪
♪ You can get it if you really want ♪
♪ You can get it if your really want ♪