# Have I the right to hold you?
# You know I've always told you
# I've loved you from the very start
# Well, come right back I just can't bear it
# I got some love and I long to share it
# Come right back Right back where you belong
# Oh, yeah, you belong. #
SHE HUMS TO HERSELF
SHE SIGHS
Jars and bottles, plastic bottles. Ah!
Tops, tops...
SHE SIGHS
Do you consider yourself a tree lover? Oh, it's you.
And my morning's been going so well.
A tree lover?
Well, I see you performing your civic duty by, er...
..letting him fertilise this tree here.
Where did you ever get that idea?
Well, has it ever occurred to you that a steady diet of dog poo
and dog pee might not be beneficial to a tree? You know,
might actually harm it?
No, I can in all honestly say it never has, no. Never.
Which could be why this particular tree's lost its
snap, crackle and pop.
I don't think you should worry
your already overburdened head with any of this.
I think we can leave the dogs
and the trees to sort all this out amongst themselves.
This from Professor Dugdale, head of symbiotic tree
and dog studies at the "Do The Bears Defecate In The Woods?" Institute.
No, I'd say you're a man in need of a holiday.
So would I, so would I.
Yes. Well, good to see you. Keep up the good work.
And don't stop feeding the dog.
Oh! Morning, Phil.
Bloody Dugdale.
He's very regular.
Yes, he is.
So's his dog.
SHE CHUCKLES
More exciting hints... on recycling etiquette.
Yes, all changed again.
You must have had one, too. Yes, I did.
Newspapers must not co-mingle with kitchen paper.
Co-mingle, eh?
Let me put the kettle on. OK.
"Let me put the kettle on."
You make it sound so alluring.
Oh, shut up and have a biscuit. All right.
Edith...
I'm not sure, Phil, I really don't know. Why, what was I going to say?
Well, what you always say when you eat the first biscuit.
Well, that's why you make the biscuits -
it's to start our usual conversation.
So how about it?
Look, if we were married I wouldn't have to cross the road
every day, would I?
What other advantages would there be?
Apart from you not having to cross the road?
Well, I've told you, we'd pool our resources.
I'd sell my house, you'd sell yours,
and we can buy a place in the sun in another country.
It could give us ten more years. Or finish us off.
Why are you being so timid? You never used to be timid.
When we were young... Hm-hm!
I wouldn't like to die abroad. Who's dying?
I don't imagine we're going to live forever. You're quite wrong.
Due to medical science, I am now over 25% titanium.
Better than I've ever been. Oh, dear.
Droves of bionic crumblies all wandering about
trying to remember where we put our bus passes.
You should have married me in the first place. You never asked me.
Well, that was your mother. She thought I was no good.
Very perspicacious, my mum.
Hm.
SHE GRUNTS
Colin was a good bloke.
And you were happy with Celia.
Mm! Mm!
Alternate days.
I am old now.
I'm ancient. I'm on my own.
I need rescuing by you.
On your own? You're here most of the time!
Well, I want to be here all of the time, I want us
to get married, I'm... I'm... I'm very conventional, you know?
I'm not like you used to be - a hippie.
I was never a hippie. I was...
I was a mod if I was anything. Mod!
THEY LAUGH
I can't do this much more.
Was it something I said?
Probably.
Usually is.
Listen, I... I won't do this any more, I promise.
You... You... You're right, it's time just...
..to let it go.
Let it go? Oh, dear.
Are you kidding?
Is this what I think it is?
Oh, thank God!
You planned this - you knew all along!
Well, not planned exactly, not all along.
Bloody hell, you got me then!
I'll never trust you again. You once accused me of being reckless.
Well, if this is reckless, bring it on!
Ohh!
DOORBELL
Don't get it. No, don't...
HE GROANS
HE LAUGHS
Hello, Mum. Roger! Hello, dear.
Where are you off to? I've come home.
Home? I've left Wendy, that's it, it's over. What? I've left her.
Left her? But what about the children?
I've especially left them.
Something must have happened. Stuff, Mum. Stuff?
Yeah, and then some.
I mean, we had kids, we spent nearly 20 years together.
Well, that can't be it. That can't be all.
Quite enough for me!
What are you going to do?
And seriously, what about Jason and Jennifer?
Oh, Mum, don't go all sentimental on me. They're your children!
No, they're almost entirely Wendy's.
I only contribute to the colour of their hair.
And Jason's shaved his off and Jane, she's dyed hers orange.
But teenagers are always difficult. Yeah, evidently.
They'll grow out of it. I might be dead by then. Oh, dear.
Don't worry, Mum, it's OK. It's better this way.
I'm feeling happier already. When did you decide to leave?
About 19 years ago. Still, better late than never.
I'll just take this stuff up to my bedroom.
Love a cup of tea, Mum.
I'll put the kettle on. Oh, great.
Oh!
No work today, then? Oh, packed it in.
What? I handed in my notice. You didn't. This morning. Roger!
I want to do something else. What? I don't know...
I'm waiting for inspiration. A sign. A sign?
Something'll come up.
What? And when? And what are you going to live on?
I've got a few savings.
Enough for a few months.
God, it's great to be home, Mum.
I can't tell you!
Whoo!
HE LAUGHS
Phil's here. Phil from across the road.
Didn't he die?
No, he dropped in for a cup of tea.
Oh, he's in the habit of doing that, is he? Well, yes, yes, he is.
Yes, he's a... He's a good friend.
He's... He's company.
You've got me for company now, haven't you, Mum?
It'll be just like old times.
Got any biscuits?
I... I just made some.
Fantastic. You see? Ha-ha! You knew I was coming!
Are there any biscuits left?
Yeah, a few. Are you all right?
I'm not sure. Well, who was that?
Roger. He's come home.
Home? That's what he says.
He says he's left Wendy and come home.
And he's left his job in the bank.
He's not bringing the kids, is he?
No, he says he's especially left them.
Thank God - last time they were here they scratched my car.
It's a bit of a blow, isn't it? Yes, yes, it is. So what are his plans?
I'm not sure he's got any other than to come here.
But he can't... He can't stay here. I mean, we're going away.
It won't be for long. Certainly won't.
Well, I can't refuse him, can I? Of course you can refuse him.
Of course you can. You know what's going to happen, right?
You'll be shopping and cooking and washing and...and...
..and ironing before you know what's going on.
I shouldn't think so. Oh, I know you, Edith, you're too NICE.
You mean a pushover? No, no.
No, you're... You're kind.
That's what I love about you. You've got to give him an ultimatum.
You know...
Two weeks and out.
Well, we'll see.
SPOONS CLATTER DOWN
You don't WANT him to come back here, do you?
What makes you think that?
You might be thinking... "he's my son". Well, he is.
Yeah, I know, but there are limits.
I can still see him in that little red pedal car with his silly hat on.
Edith, please.
Don't let this change your mind about us. No!
Oh, no, I wouldn't do that. My mind's made up.
Hello, Phil. Hello, Roger!
Mum... Oh, just leave them on the chair, I'll do them later.
Thanks, Mum.
HE GROANS
Oh, back trouble? No, no, no, that's the least of my worries.
So, we've just been talking about your domestic...
Oh, yeah, yeah. Mum told you?
Yeah, have you tried counselling?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hopeless.
Once a week for two months.
Dr Duckworth.
I mean, Wendy thought he was wonderful, of course.
It was hopeless.
The main problem was he was trying to save the marriage. Ah!
If he'd have listened to me in the first place, then...
You found Dad's old dressing down!
I'd been going to cut it up for dusters, just never got round to it.
Yes. Have some biscuits.
Mum. Have you seen my gear?
What gear, dear?
Well, my Scalextrics, my Matchbox vintage car collection, my comics.
Oh, those things. Oh, they've gone.
Gone? Years ago. Gone where?
Well, Dad had a big clear out.
What? When he did the rewiring.
So where are they? What did he do with them? I can't remember. Mum!
It was ages ago. Mum.
Erm...
I think he might have given them to the charity shop. The charity shop?
Yes, you know, Oxfam or the animal one.
Dad gave my comics to Oxfam?
Well, they've been there a long time.
Well... That's my collection!
Well, there did seem to be rather a lot of them.
Exactly, well, that's the point, that's what collections are,
aren't they?
They're quantities of things saved and left to mature somewhere...
..somewhere safe.
So that you can find them for later when you want them.
But you don't lovingly spend years collecting things
and putting them somewhere safe and out of the way so that just
at the point when they become really valuable they can be chucked out!
Oh, they weren't chucked out!
Thrown away. Bloody hell!
Oh, Roger! What? Oh, grow up!
It's all right. It's not all right.
It's all right for you. Hm?
I had every Beano and Dandy from 1964 to '72 in mint condition -
a priceless collection.
It was worth thousands. Oh, dear.
Not the thousands, a couple of hundred at most!
The Scalextric and the vintage car collection were...as good as new.
They made millions of them. My David had one.
I mean, they're worthless.
Yes, well, I wouldn't expect you to understand
the significance of cultural and social ephemera.
Oh, why wouldn't I? It's social history.
I'm writing a book on the seminal influence of The Bash Street Kids.
I haven't started it yet, but I'm going to.
HE GUFFAWS
I wouldn't have missed this for the whole world.
Roger?
I'm going round to see Annie.
Annie? Next door. Annie Harris?
Annie Harris.
Well, she went to Canada years and years ago -
just before you started at St Edmund's.
I need to see her. What for? I should have married her.
You were only seven. That's right.
We were innocent.
And that's how I know it was genuine. True and pure.
It was the real thing.
Ye Gods.
We were made for each other. Oh.
I used to sneak out and see her, then climb back in through the...
..through the little window in the sitting room.
Oh? Did you?
And she felt the same way as I did.
Unfortunately, events intervened and tore us apart.
Otherwise it would have all been quite different
and I wouldn't be standing here today.
Oh? No, I'd be in Canada.
Running my own TV station or my own international shipping company.
Or Prime Minister - I mean, don't sell yourself short.
Roger!
SHE SIGHS HEAVILY
He's not right, is he? He's unhappy. Well, who's happy?
TYRES SCREECH
What now?
It's Wendy. She just drove past.
I thought I heard somebody go by in second gear with a handbrake on.
Yeah, she's checking out the house.
She'll park out of sight and then walk straight back.
You know, sort of typically sneaky behaviour.
Don't tell her that I'm here.
Roger, you've got to talk to her.
No, I can't. I can't even be in the same room as her.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
With that little smile of hers.
Oh, Wendy's got a lovely smile.
Yeah, not when you're on the sharp end of it.
And not when it's intended to destroy your soul
and to squeeze every drop out of you and to freeze dry your brain.
Roger!
You see, people think I exaggerate, which makes it harder to bear,
of course. But I am determined to be strong.
DOORBELL
I'm not here. You've got to see her!
Bloody hell.
I'll be in the shed. Right. Don't tell her that.
Of course not.
Now, you help me out a bit here, Phil, and I might return the favour.
Gotcha. Oh, go on through. He's in the kitchen. Oh, hello, Wendy.
Hello, Phil. Where's Roger?
He's in the shed. Oh, right.
Avoiding me, no doubt. How are you, Phil?
Well, I'm very well, thank you. And your back's better? Yes, yes.
Well, better than it was. Oh, good. I'm very glad. Yeah, me too.
And you won't have to have surgery? No, no.
Well, that's a blessing, isn't it?
Well, they don't always work, do they, these operations?
Not always, no. And when they do you can't be sure you won't catch
one of those dreadful infections, can you?
That's right, and you go to Switzerland, you know, to recuperate
in a sanatorium, and you get hit by a passing snowboarder and then
you lose a leg in the subsequent botched emergency surgery.
Well, if you need...any help with anything, anything at all.
That's very kind of you. No, really. I mean it. Yes, I know you do.
Where's Roger? Oh, in the shed. He doesn't want to see me, does he?
Uh...
Well, we have some serious things to talk about later, Edith,
so I'll just pop the bubbly in the fridge.
Right. Just for the moment.
Have I come at an inconvenient time?
Well, you know, I think inconvenient...
..is an extremely good word.
You know, because we were there celebrating
the pleasures of tranquillity
and quietness and peace, and enjoying the time together alone.
Phil, later.
Oh, please don't go on my account! No, no, no.
I've got to paint my lawn. Oh.
Otherwise the barnacles start building up.
Well, if you need any help... No, no. I'll manage.
I only need one coat. Phil, would you mind telling Roger Wendy's here?
He won't come in. Well, of course he will. No, no, he won't. He hates me.
He doesn't hate you. He does - he said it often enough.
We all say things we don't mean in the heat of the moment.
Well, he said it in the heat of the moment
and then subsequently in several periods of calm.
Total calm. I used to hate my brother Joe. Did you really?
Yeah, back then. Oh, but not now? Not now.
Oh, well, that's nice to hear.
I consulted a witch doctor and he gave me a small wax replica
of Joe and I used to push drawing pins into it over the weekend.
Eventually a tree fell on him.
Oh!
Phil...
OK.
See you later.
DOOR CLOSES
Such a nice man. Well, quite a nice man.
Would you like some coffee? Oh, well... If you're having one.
I am. Are you sure? Absolutely.
Really, really? Absolutely, positively. Oh, well, OK, then.
All right, I'll have one. Thank you. Only if you're having one.
SHE SIGHS
Wendy, I haven't had chance to talk to Roger about all this.
I'm sure he blames me. I should think that's normal, isn't it?
Par for the course. I should think you probably blame him, don't you?
Not really. No? Mainly I blame the way he was brought up. Oh. Yes.
You mean me? Oh, good heavens, no. Absolutely not.
No, I'm talking about the times. You know...
Mothers used to spoil their sons in those days, didn't they?
In those days?
Well, there has been quite a lot of changes in the last 30 years.
Sandra definitely thinks so.
I should say that Roger and Sandra were both equally spoilt.
That's not what Sandra says.
She's sure that Roger was more spoilt than she was.
Well, she's wrong. She's grateful now, of course. Grateful?
She feels rather sorry for Roger. Oh?
She's got a better grip on reality than he has.
She says he suffers from... delusional expectation syndrome.
Well, I don't know what that means. There's nothing wrong with Roger.
I should think he's just having a perfectly routine midlife crisis.
I mean, he is nearly 50. We're all entitled to one of those, aren't we?
I should think he needs a decent holiday.
He's never stopped since the children were born,
and you moved into that enormous house.
KNOCKING
What? What is it? I think you'd better call the fire brigade.
What?
He's stuck. Roger!
Well and truly stuck.
Mum! I'm coming.
Ohh!
I think it's got caught.
Scissors, scissors! Why is he there?
What was he doing? He's practising his housebreaking techniques.
Well, it's a good idea. He's got to get a new job soon. What?
Hurry up, I can't breathe! Oh!
Wendy, Wendy, can you fetch me the kitchen steps, please? Quickly.
If you give me a shout I'll give him a push. I don't want a push.
What are you going to do?
Cut it away. It's caught, you see.
Well, don't do that. That's a perfectly good dressing gown.
It's ancient! I was going to cut it up anyway!
Just cut it away, cut it away!
There are poor people out there
who'd be very glad of a dressing gown like that. Poor people...
Bugger poor people!
Why don't you worry about me for a change?! Oh, Roger, how can you?
I worry about you all the time.
Now, if you were less selfish and thought about other people from time
to time you might not get yourself into this kind of situation.
I'm stuck in a window, you daft woman, and I can't breathe!
Roger, shut up and hold your breath! Why are you stuck in the window?
I can give him a push from this side, or I can come in there
and you push him that way, but I can't pull.
You know, not with my back. Yes. No, don't push. Oh? No pushing.
No pulling. Why don't you just go home, you old lecher?
Roger! He's trying to help! You haven't answered me. What?
You tried to climb through the window to avoid me, didn't you?
What an outlandish idea. Yes, you did.
It was a trip down memory lane.
What? This is the way I used to get back in after I'd been to see Annie.
The musical?
No, no, the woman I should have married.
That's a cruel lie that will rebound on you, Roger.
I'm truly sorry for you.
Bog off. Look at you.
You are surrounded by kind and decent people trying to help.
There's Phil, who's half crippled, your mother who's far too old
and frail to be put through this sort of thing. Wendy!
No, it's all right, Edith. Someone's got to tell him how it is.
I thought a squirt of washing up liquid would help.
I thought we were supposed to be mates.
This would all be a lot easier if we'd just shut up for a minute!
What I don't understand is why you should try and climb in
through this window when you could come in through the door.
What? Or through a larger, more convenient window.
You just don't get it, do you? Frankly, no. This was an adventure.
I was on a quest. Getting through the little window was part of it.
Some kids have imagination. Oh! You were being creative.
That's one word for it. Ah!
Oh, no...
Ahh! Ohh! I can breathe. Brilliant.
Thank you. It's just typical of you, isn't it, Roger?
Well, we all know what's going to happen next.
The moment you're all right you'll clear off,
leave everybody else upset and in need of counselling.
And meanwhile, some unfortunate person -
someone far worse off than you, who have been very glad of this -
has to do without a perfectly good dressing gown.
We don't care about the bloody dressing gown!
It was an old worn-out dressing gown.
No-one would have wanted it,
no-one in their right mind would have wanted it!
Now, why don't you just go home and leave Roger be?!
SHE SOBS
Sorry. I'm so sorry.
MEN SNIGGER
And you can stop grinning!
Both of you!
# Sun is shinin' in the sky
# There ain't a cloud in sight
# It's stopped rainin' Everybody's in the lane
# And don't you know
# It's a beautiful new day Hey, hey
# Runnin' down the avenue
# See how the sun shines brightly in the city
# On the streets Where once was pity
# Mr Blue Sky is living here today Hey, hey
# Mr Blue Sky Please tell us why
# You had to hide away for so long So long
# Where did we go wrong?
# Mr Blue Sky Please tell us why
# You had to hide away for so long So long
# Where did we go wrong? #
Where did he go this afternoon?
Oh, to see if the community centre still looked the same. Same as what?
As when he once played Frederic in The Pirates Of Penzance there.
You're joking? If only.
And then he went to search for Marigold morning emulsion paint
that they stopped making centuries ago.
For what?
So he could do up his room to look like it did when he was little.
It's all becoming rather alarming, isn't it? Yes. Yes, it is. Mm.
HE SIGHS
Cheers.
SHE SIGHS
This is all pretty rotten timing, isn't it? It's just awful.
But nothing's really changed, has it?
I mean, nothing's kind of... permanently happened.
Well, something's happened.
I'm trying to look on the bright side, Edith.
Give me a hand, throw me a life belt.
Oh, what, like, let's pretend we have no responsibilities
and go off, never to be seen or heard of again?
Perfect.
I mean, look. Putting our lives on hold at this juncture
when we've just made this wonderful decision -
I mean, isn't really going to help anyone, is it?
Least of all Roger. It wouldn't work. I'd be worrying.
Well, at first, but...later?
I would. And so would you. Try me.
Look, Edith...
Think of us somewhere far, far away
sitting on a balcony
looking out over the Mediterranean
with our Pinot Grigios in our hands,
sitting together watching the sun set slowly into the sea.
Hm?