# Have I the right to hold you?
# You know I've always told you
# I've loved you from the very start
# Come right back, I just can't bear it
# I've got some love and I long to share it
# Come right back, right back where you belong
# Oh, yeah, you belong. #
Happy birthday, Mum!
Oh, hello! Oh.
Wow. Where have all these come from?
Oh, Phil and Roger. Three each.
They're even then. Level pegging.
Well, I can't compete with that.
Oh, but they're lovely.
Oh! Ooh, and soaps! Ooh!
Ooh, rhubarb and ylang ylang.
What is that? Not a clue.
THEY LAUGH
Oh, Mum.
Mum, this is Roger's stuff.
You're not doing his washing on your birthday.
I'm just getting it out of the way.
I will kill him. Oh, please don't, dear.
Not on my birthday.
There we are.
No more vases? No, sorry.
If Roger wants to ruin his life, that's his business.
I don't see why he should be allowed to wreck everyone else's.
He's just finding his feet.
He's found your feet.
He's very stressed.
Give me a break.
Oh, Phil.
Oh Phil, this is crazy.
Now, this has got to stop!
Never.
Sandra.
Will we have the pleasure of your company this evening?
I know how hard it is for you to find a window in that busy schedule of yours.
Not when it's my mum's 70th.
Oh, we are humbled and honoured. See you later.
So it's four to three, with Phil in the lead coming round the last bend.
IMITATES AIRCRAFT FIRE
Maybe I can hear you. I'm over the English Channel now.
Oh, who's got some glue?
It's OK. Tango, Foxtrot, Four. 15 here. I can see them below.
Tango Foxtrot Four, do you have blue?
Do you mind if I come in?
I did read the signs but they were
so OTT I assume that they were ironic, you know?
Please come in, I'm desperately short of company.
Very funny.
Otherwise, you would have...locked the door.
What do you want? I am very busy. So I see.
Oh. Airfix bomber, eh? I used to play with those.
Until I realised that it was time, as the Bible says,
to put aside childish things.
What do you want? Turn the radio off. I'll tell you.
Now, uh, would you care to blow up some balloons? Not much.
You know, in aid of your mother's birthday party.
Yes, yes, my mother's birthday.
Which you've managed to weaponize.
Weaponize?
You've always got to do more than everyone else, haven't you?
More cards, more chocolates, more... oh, more bombs, more rockets.
More balloons. More flowers.
Yes, I just gave Edith another bunch.
Of course you did.
I've been thinking, Roger, and I think I've hit on the perfect
birthday gift for you to... to give your mother.
You know, it will outrank any of the others.
Go back to your wife.
Look, you don't realise it yet, Roger,
but you'll never find another Wendy.
Well, I won't be looking very hard, will I?
Look, look at it from Edith's point of view. You know?
Having a grown-up son that she's already brought up once
turn up again for a second go.
It's a bit dispiriting, isn't it?
Mmm, yes, I think I can tell that you're not on my side.
No, I am, I am, I mean, you are after all, Edith's son.
Go back to Wendy.
Never.
Think of all the shared memories, though.
Yes, shared memories.
Like, like little bits of glass embedded in my brain.
Oh, come on.
Right from the start, and from our wedding day.
Oh, not the seating plan, no, no, please.
Not the seating plan.
She made a fool of me.
That's what women do, Roger. That's what they're for.
I would never...
not...not in a million years have put Steven Watt next to
Veronica Darwin, and you can see, it's kind of catastrophic.
I imagine they got over it by now.
Oh, do you think so? Yeah?
Steven took holy orders and Veronica's just come out of rehab.
My seating plan was very carefully thought out.
Then along comes Wendy and changes it to male, female, male, female,
male, female, like the chain-linked fence,
cos that's the proper way to do it. It's 20 years ago. Just forget it.
Well, the crucifixion was two thousand years ago
and people still remember that.
That's a good point.
Oh, well.
Worth a try.
That happen often?
Never.
My dad built this shed.
I've decided that I am going to move the nail bar
and the salon under the same roof.
Then I can properly focus on the health food shop.
Well, that sounds sensible.
But there is a problem.
Right now, I just don't have the capital.
Ah.
I think you know what's coming next.
Go on.
If you sold this place, which must be worth a fortune now,
and moved in with me, it would solve all our problems at a stroke.
Oh. Yeah, you wouldn't be stuck with Roger.
I'd be there to take care of you.
You'd have a room of your own.
A big one at the front, and cash in your hand.
Yes, well...
And I would give you a proper contract.
I'd pay you back inside of three years, no sweat.
Yes, but what about Phil?
Phil?
We're thinking of getting married.
Wow.
Really?
Phil.
You sure that's a good idea?
Quite sure.
Oh. Oh, Mum, well... Oh, that's great.
Fantastic.
Oh, to be honest, I could see it coming.
Well, it's still a bit up in the air.
What about his floozy?
Oh, that was years ago and she wasn't a floozy.
Whatever that is.
No, she was just a very unhappy girl with problems.
You're trying to put me off him?
Absolutely not.
But she was stalking him, wasn't she?
Well, she did follow him around for a bit, yes.
What a hoot.
Hey, you're talking about my future husband.
You've got to admit that's funny.
Well, it is a bit, yes.
You're not thinking of moving in with Phil and letting Roger stay here, are you?
Well, nothing's been settled.
Oh, he is such a slime.
That's why he's come here. Can't you see?
He just wants to keep an eye on the place and safeguard his inheritance.
He didn't know about Phil and me until he came back.
No? He's not as dim as he looks, you know?
Well, nobody could be that dim.
If you and Phil sell,
then you're going to want somewhere to invest that money, aren't you?
Well, we haven't thought that far ahead.
I'll talk to Phil.
No, if anyone's going to talk to Phil, it will be me.
Oh, Mum, would you?
Oh!
I don't need a huge amount.
Around 50k would do it.
The thing is, Roger, your mother's got her own life to lead.
And I'm going to help her do that with my terrific birthday present.
I'm not going to tell you what it is.
I don't wish to know.
You're burning with curiosity.
No, I'm not.
I've tracked down Mrs Gale.
Mrs...Gale?
She used to help Mum years ago.
You mean when you were little? Yeah, she bought me my first Beano.
Ah, clearly a remarkable woman.
Yeah, she's agreed to come and help Mum around the house.
You won't be able to top this.
Roger, you do know that your mother is going to sell the house.
Sell it? Yeah.
I want to sell mine too, you see?
And then we'll buy something somewhere together.
I've actually been looking at property prices in, er, in Gozo.
Gozo?
Sell the house?
No, I wouldn't want that.
No, I wouldn't want that at all.
Strangers living here.
Strangers? Yeah. Strangers. No, not that.
But they wouldn't be strangers. Would they, Roger?
Not if they own the house. And you wouldn't be here.
No, well, I'd refuse to move out.
And eventually when I die, I'd haunt them.
I wouldn't give them a moment's peace.
Roger, are you on any kind of medication?
Just get out the way. What?
Ah!
Sturdy stuff!
You're just an old fart who's frightened of getting old and dying alone.
Spot on!
You're not completely without empathy, are you, Roger?
What about Desiree? What?
You know, that floozy who was stalking you?
Oh, she wasn't a floozy.
I mean, she looked like one,
but that was years ago and she wasn't stalking me.
She was just following me. Yeah, why?
She wanted to know the time and she thought I was a policeman.
Oh.
I saw her the other day.
Oh, very unlikely. She moved to Warrington or Walsall.
Are you sure? Absolutely.
Yeah, she was driving one of those Hotfoot delivery vans.
Don't be ridiculous.
Good god. Where was this?
Oh, she was just pulling out of the petrol station.
It was last Wednesday.
I don't believe this. She's on your tail.
No, no, no. No, no.
Oh, well, um, if I were to order something, then she might
deliver it and then you'd know for certain one way or the other.
Wouldn't you?
Do you really want to spoil your mother's happiness
by blackmailing me into persuading her not to sell the house?
Cos that's what this is about, isn't it?
Well, you see, I see it more as saving her
from a bleak exile with you in Bozo.
Then you'd do better to think about my original offer.
What was that? Go back to Wendy.
Oh, that was an offer.
My last and best offer.
Just get out of the way. We'll do it again.
Go on.
After you.
Oh, you know that photo of Desiree at the petrol station.
Would you like a copy?
DOG GROWLS Please!
He saw you behaving suspiciously.
Did he now? Lurking like that.
Would he like to see my passport?
Is he going to insist on an explanation or would
he just like to escort me to wherever it is dogs take people
when they go to interrogate them.
He's a clever dog and you were behaving oddly.
Oddly. Oddly for some people. Normal, I suppose, for you.
If he's such a clever dog, why didn't you realise that?
I mean, we've known each other for years.
He's been leaving deposits at my gate as long as I can remember.
I mean, we're virtually old pals.
He takes things on a case by case basis.
Well, for his information,
I was doing a bit of neighbourhood watching.
Oh, were you? Very public spirited of you.
Well, there'd been reports of strange behaviour from the
couriers that work for Hotfoot and I thought I'd just check it out.
What sort of strange behaviour?
Well, it's hard to be specific, quite honestly,
but it's the sort of thing you develop an instinct for.
Do you?
I'm surprised your dog didn't pick that up.
Very puzzling.
Mmm, well, maybe he's right.
Maybe these are just rumours, you know, baseless rumours.
Yes, well, there are a lot of those around here, too.
Well, must be going.
Something in the oven.
Ah.
That's what it is.
Sandra was here? Yes.
What for?
To wish me happy birthday. She'll be back later.
She's after money, isn't she?
Well, she did mention needing capital to expand her business, yes.
Didn't I say? A loan.
Oh, Mum, you're such a pushover.
I daresay, but I don't want to discuss this now.
Mum. Yes.
Phil says you want to sell the house.
I have been thinking about it, yes.
Do you have to?
Well, it is a bit on the big side and there seem to be more and more stairs every year.
And when Phil and I get married... And when will that be?
Um, spring of next year.
Maybe. And then you'll go to Bozo?
Bozo?
I was born in this house. Yes.
I wouldn't like you to sell it.
I might have to. Yeah, I wouldn't like strangers living here.
I love this house.
Sandra, she just cares about the money.
Roger, you and Sandra used to get on so well together.
Yes, because I used to be a pushover, too.
What does that mean?
She used to trick me out of my pocket money.
I'm sure that's not true. It is true.
She'd insist on playing shop
and then buy all my jelly beans with a few rusty washers.
You never said anything.
It's cos she threatened me.
She said, "Don't tell Mum or I'll duff you up." Roger...
I only stopped when I got bigger and cynical.
Roger, stop it. And now she's bullying you into selling the house.
That's not how it is at all. Yeah, Phil.
Phil and Sandra.
Yeah, they've hooked up on this.
Yeah, Sandra wants the money and Phil wants to see the back of me.
Well, I think I've spiked his guns.
What does that mean?
I'll be devastated if you sell up.
When and if, IF, I sell the house,
I shall settle the money equally on you and on Sandra.
And that way, you can buy a flat or you might even go back to Wendy.
Never. Oh, dear.
Sorry, I don't want to upset you, Mum.
Not on your birthday.
Not now. Not ever.
Mum, you do know that I love you, Mum, don't you?
Of course I do.
I love you too.
Mum, do you remember Mrs Gale?
Queenie? Well, of course I do. Why?
She's your surprise birthday present.
What do you mean?
Well, I know I'm extra trouble so I've asked her to come and help.
Just once a week. I'm paying her.
What?! It's great isn't it? You liked Queenie, didn't you?
But in small doses.
To be quite honest, she wasn't always easy.
Actually, some of the time, she could be a liability.
But you are pulling my leg, though, aren't you?
No.
Roger. It's out of the question.
But, but, but I've asked her. She's coming. Well, she can't! I couldn't cope.
I mean it. Roger, you've got to stop her.
Yeah, I'll go... I'll tell her.
Please do!
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I know you meant well.
Edith. Mmm?
I've been thinking. Tell me.
Well, I'm...
I'm coming round to... to Roger's point of view.
What's that?
Well, that you shouldn't sell the house yet.
Really? Wha... What's made you change your mind?
Well, you don't need the money.
I've got quite enough for the two of us, right?
And if you do sell the house, then Roger will follow us.
I mean, he's perfectly capable of following us to
the ends of the Earth, whereas if you don't sell the house,
he'll almost certainly live here.
Right? So, there's no real point in selling the house yet, is there?
Sandra wouldn't be pleased.
I think Sandra's perfectly able to look after herself.
I mean, it might not be for long.
After all, I mean, Roger... Well, you know, he might get better.
Do you think so? Do you really think so?
Well, stranger things have happened.
I heard all that.
I was standing outside the door.
Oh, Roger, for heaven's sake.
I think it's a good idea.
Nothing's been settled.
And you know why Phil suggested it, don't you?
Because when all's said and done, he's a decent bloke.
That's why.
Aren't you, Phil? A decent bloke.
We had a long chat about it and Phil is 100% on my side.
Aren't you, Phil? Which is very decent, all things said and done.
DOORBELL CHIMES
Oh, I wonder who that can be.
Ah! A delivery van.
Yes, a Hotfoot delivery van.
Maybe a nice surprise for Phil.
Phil, what's up?
Hmm?
Hello!
Mrs G!
Didn't you get my message?
Oh Roger, you haven't changed a bit.
Edith, you remember years ago,
that mad woman that I had some trouble with...
Deidre or... Desiree.
Something like that. Anyway, there are rumours that there've been sightings of her.
I just wanted to tell you that I have had absolutely nothing
to do with the... with the fact that she...
SHE WHISPERS: Oh, my God! Mrs Gale! Nothing to do with...
Ooh, it's nice in here, now.> Mrs Gale?
Oh, yes, she's your surprise birthday present.
Roger was supposed to stop her!
Hello! Queenie! What a lovely surprise.
Hello, Edith.
Happy birthday.
Oh, oh, thank you.
Oh, they're lovely. Oh, you shouldn't have.
Blimey, it's a bit like a mausoleum in here, isn't it?
Queenie, this is Phil.
Oh, pleased to meet you.
Aren't you the Phil that was connected with that...
Distinguished campervan company. Yes. Yes.
Queenie used to help me with the housework 40 years ago.
Yeah, those were the days. Good times.
Happy times.
So, when Roger got in touch, I was as pleased as punch.
Yes, you see, I didn't know that Roger...
I know.
I'm the big birthday surprise.
Well, he said he was back home causing trouble
and you needed help looking after him.
Er... Yeah.
I know, Roger.
You scallywag.
You're back home. Your mum needs reinforcements.
Queenie, I'm terribly sorry, and I don't quite know how to put this.
Oh, you're not going to tell me I'm too old.
No, you're not going to tell me I'm too old.
No, of course not, no. It's just...
And by the way, I don't want paying.
I don't need the money. No, I'll do it for love.
And for all those precious memories.
Queenie. I'm paying. Roger...
I am, I've sold the car. It's a done deal.
And how long would that last?
You'll be down the tuck shop squandering it on gobstoppers
and liquorice laces.
That's very astute of you, Mrs Gale.
Oh, no, Queenie. Call me Queenie.
And so, you've been, you've been away?
Yes, I've been to Tasmania, Canada, Holland.
All with different husbands. All dead.
Nobody will marry me now because they think I've got the evil eye.
Mrs Gale! How amazing is that!
Oh, you've not forgotten me, then.
Uh, not a chance.
No, I wouldn't forget you either, Sandra.
Queenie's my birthday present from Roger.
I'm the big birthday present.
- I'll coming to give her a hand. - Really?
Well, with Roger back home, she needs all the help she can get.
Yeah, well, she certainly does, but not for long, we hope.
How's that? Mum has plans.
Well, if you're referring to the selling of the house,
then things have changed. Oh?
Please, can we not talk about this now?
Roger wasn't the only troublemaker then, was he?
Do you remember when you took your clothes off in front of the vicar?
- No. - How old were you?
19. She was four.
And the reverend Bruce and his wife were both very amused.
Really? What has changed?
Oh, Phil thinks that selling the house is a bad idea.
Uh, later, later.
Coo-eee!
Who invited her? Happy birthday, Edith.
I did. You absolute swine.
Wendy. How lovely.
I wanted to bring you a birthday cake.
Oh, that's so kind of you. Thank you.
It's just a bought cake, I'm afraid.
I would have made one but I didn't have all the ingredients as I...
..as I...
..as I couldn't get to the shop. Sorry.
Wendy! Wendy! SHE SOBS
Is that the wife? Was the wife.
Wendy! I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.
Wendy, it's all right.
It's all right, calm down.
Birthdays can be very emotional occasions.
They're usually very happy occasions unless someone can't
stand not being the centre of attention for five minutes.
Roger, shut up! Oh, Wendy.
What is it? What's the matter?
He's... he's sold the car.
He sold my CARRRR!
I saw this coming. It's rather nice being right.
It wasn't your car!
It was more than half my car! Much more!
I'm the one who used it!
I've got to have a car, Roger.
I've got to go to work. I've got to pick the children up.
I use it all the time. You had no right to sell it.
He's ruined my life again.
I'm so sorry. I am so so sorry, Edith.
I promised myself I wouldn't say anything.
I'd just drop the cake in and say happy birthday and give you
a hug and go, and if I'd had the car, it would have been home-made.
How did you buy the cake? What? Online! I had it delivered!
Well, then you could have bought the ingredients in the same way.
And then you could have made your home-made cake. Roger! Shut up!
You're trying to stop Mum selling the house.
Oh, yeah, yeah, and why do you want her to sell it, eh? Mm?
The money. That's all you've ever cared about, isn't it? Money.
I create things. What do you do?
Not a lot! Yeah, look, usual support from my ever-loyal wife.
You're getting the support that you deserve.
Why are you stopping your mum from selling?
Strangers. Strangers.
I don't want strangers here. Strangers.
What are you talking about?
I need the car. Well, boo-hoo.
Too late. Get yourself another one.
Roger! Just listen to yourself. Will you stop this now?
He can't! Because he is incapable of not saying the first stupid
rubbishy thing that comes into his head!
I know! I know!
Every time! Every time!
Come on. Let's go.
Go where? The Crown. Come on.
But it's... it's your birthday.
Yes, exactly. Oh, go, go, I'm enjoying this.
I'm sorry, Phil. I know you've made a big effort.
No, no, no. You're absolutely right.
I mean, this is hell.
OK. Go.
Get a bit of peace and quiet.
Oh, and I'm taking pics so you won't miss anything.
They're going and it's all your fault, Wendy.
Roger. You despicable apology of a human being.
Ah! This is a Valentino!
Oh, we're off to a good start.
This was meant for you.
You horrible, horrible little cockroach. Yes!
You see, Mum? I told you Sandra always hated me.
Bloody right! WENDY: She's not the only one! I've had it with you, Roger!
So, the Crown has...beef stroganoff on Tuesdays, does it?
Yes, I know. Yum, yum.