1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,120 # Have I the right to hold you? 2 00:00:04,120 --> 00:00:07,360 # You know I've always told you 3 00:00:07,360 --> 00:00:13,680 # I've loved you from the very start 4 00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:15,400 # Come right back 5 00:00:15,400 --> 00:00:17,240 # I just can't bear it 6 00:00:17,240 --> 00:00:20,720 # I've got this love and I long to share it 7 00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:22,320 # Come right back 8 00:00:22,320 --> 00:00:25,400 # Right back where you belong 9 00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:27,080 # Oh, yeah 10 00:00:27,080 --> 00:00:29,360 # You belong. # 11 00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:34,760 Wendy, please sit down. You're making me nervous. 12 00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:37,440 I'm sorry. I know I'm a nuisance. You're not a nuisance. 13 00:00:37,440 --> 00:00:39,240 A liability. You're not. 14 00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:41,760 A bore. Well, if you go on thinking you are... 15 00:00:41,760 --> 00:00:43,000 You see? 16 00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:46,600 Wendy, sit down, please. That's all I'm asking. 17 00:00:47,680 --> 00:00:49,160 Never used to be boring. 18 00:00:49,160 --> 00:00:51,360 I used to be outgoing and fun. 19 00:00:51,360 --> 00:00:55,080 Friends. Whatever happened to them? They used to remark on it. 20 00:00:55,080 --> 00:00:58,360 "You're so much fun, Wendy. You're so life-enhancing." 21 00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:01,880 Are you eating properly? You look as if you've lost some weight. 22 00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:04,840 I'm getting fat. It's all the worry. 23 00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:08,400 I constantly have to eat comforting, high-calorie junk food. 24 00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:12,400 "You're so vivacious, Wendy," they used to say. 25 00:01:12,400 --> 00:01:13,920 Well, you are vivacious. 26 00:01:13,920 --> 00:01:15,240 Yes, but in the wrong way. 27 00:01:15,240 --> 00:01:17,440 Oh, and I dreamt I killed Roger. 28 00:01:18,720 --> 00:01:21,880 Oh, dear. Last night. And I didn't just kill him. 29 00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:23,760 I did unspeakable things to him first. 30 00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:25,600 Oh, my goodness. 31 00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:29,920 Yeah, with chainsaws and corkscrews and baths of acid and... 32 00:01:29,920 --> 00:01:31,760 Eee-eee-eee-eee! 33 00:01:31,760 --> 00:01:34,200 You know, like in that film by... by Hancock. 34 00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:38,120 Hitchcock. That must have been extremely unpleasant for you. 35 00:01:38,120 --> 00:01:39,240 Not really. No? 36 00:01:39,240 --> 00:01:40,760 Not at all. Ah. 37 00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:42,440 You see, that's what worries me. 38 00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:45,680 Inch by inch, he's turning me into a pathologically violent killer. 39 00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:47,120 It was only a dream. 40 00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:49,680 A very vivid dream. 41 00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:51,280 I don't want to be a murderer. 42 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:53,400 Well, no. A fat murderer. 43 00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:56,440 And I certainly don't want to be punished for doing away with Roger, 44 00:01:56,440 --> 00:01:59,000 however lenient the sentence. Wendy... Yes? 45 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:00,840 What did you come to see me about? 46 00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:04,320 Roger's in arrears with the mortgage! I just... 47 00:02:04,320 --> 00:02:05,400 EDITH SIGHS 48 00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:31,040 Should that thing be off the leash? 49 00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:33,880 What? I don't want to get snapped at. 50 00:02:33,880 --> 00:02:35,800 You won't be. 51 00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:37,200 You seem very confident. 52 00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:38,440 I am. 53 00:02:39,680 --> 00:02:41,200 He's dead. 54 00:02:41,200 --> 00:02:43,600 Dead? Are you sure? Well, of course I'm bloody sure! 55 00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:44,920 Sorry. Sorry. 56 00:02:44,920 --> 00:02:47,880 I wouldn't be wrong about that, would I? 57 00:02:47,880 --> 00:02:49,000 No, I'm sorry. Sorry. 58 00:02:50,080 --> 00:02:51,120 He died on Saturday. 59 00:02:53,120 --> 00:02:54,160 Heart attack. 60 00:02:55,560 --> 00:02:56,720 Very sorry. 61 00:02:56,720 --> 00:02:58,720 It's all right. You don't have to say anything. 62 00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:01,720 I know you don't mean it. No, I do, I do really. Really? 63 00:03:01,720 --> 00:03:04,600 Really, yes, uh... 64 00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:08,560 Every dog's death diminishes me. 65 00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:11,800 Excuse me? 66 00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:15,640 Well, my wife, Celia, she died eight years ago, you know, 67 00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:17,720 so I know what it's like. It's not easy. 68 00:03:17,720 --> 00:03:19,680 This is one of your bad-taste jokes. 69 00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:21,200 No, no, certainly not. 70 00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:23,120 Are you seriously suggesting there's 71 00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:25,560 an equivalence between your late wife and Wellington? 72 00:03:25,560 --> 00:03:27,720 Wellington? My dog. 73 00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:30,440 You're suggesting that Wellington and your wife were on a par? 74 00:03:30,440 --> 00:03:32,680 Well, obviously I wouldn't have married Wellington. 75 00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:35,320 See? Bad-taste jokes again. 76 00:03:35,320 --> 00:03:37,200 You just can't resist them, can you? 77 00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:40,040 No, no, no, no, no, look, I'm trying to make a serious point. 78 00:03:40,040 --> 00:03:42,360 I mean, death is indivisible. 79 00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:50,480 Whether it's a beloved animal or a spouse, it's... 80 00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:53,240 not dissimilar in effect. 81 00:03:54,520 --> 00:03:55,960 Well, yes, I see. 82 00:03:57,680 --> 00:03:59,560 Love can't tell the difference. 83 00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:00,600 That's my belief. 84 00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:06,560 I miss him...in more ways than I ever expected. 85 00:04:08,560 --> 00:04:09,680 At every turn. 86 00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:11,200 Of course you do. I miss Celia. 87 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:15,040 That's the way it goes. 88 00:04:15,040 --> 00:04:17,360 He always let me know when someone was at the door. 89 00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:20,320 Oh, that was useful. Celia was rather shy in that department. 90 00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:22,040 She always let me answer the door. 91 00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:24,520 He snored. 92 00:04:26,160 --> 00:04:27,960 Gently. Very calming. 93 00:04:29,920 --> 00:04:32,800 Yes, well, he had the edge on Celia there. 94 00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:35,760 Unless he heard something outside, then he really let rip. 95 00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:43,280 Lots of burglaries around here at the moment. 96 00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:44,880 Do you have a burglar alarm? 97 00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:45,920 No. 98 00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:50,480 Oh, I hear strange noises in the night all the time. 99 00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:54,680 You're still, erm, carrying his leash. 100 00:04:56,200 --> 00:04:58,160 Are you going to get another one? 101 00:04:58,160 --> 00:05:00,720 I think I may be too old for another Wellington. 102 00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:03,040 Well, I'd recommend a cat. 103 00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:06,440 Not expensive to run, 104 00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:10,840 and keeps me in touch with the infinite on a budget. 105 00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:15,480 I'm a dog man. Always have been. 106 00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:16,720 But, um... 107 00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:19,000 ..thanks. 108 00:05:20,640 --> 00:05:21,680 Yes. 109 00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:24,280 Thank you. 110 00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:32,680 Poor sod. 111 00:05:34,640 --> 00:05:36,240 It's a vendetta, isn't it? 112 00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:37,680 He'd like to see us destitute, 113 00:05:37,680 --> 00:05:39,640 out on the streets without a roof over our heads. 114 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:41,560 Preferably starving. He'd enjoy that. 115 00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:43,720 Perhaps he forgot. 116 00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:45,320 Edith, forgive me for saying so, 117 00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:48,960 but you've got to stop giving Roger the benefit of the doubt. 118 00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:50,840 You've always loved him unconditionally 119 00:05:50,840 --> 00:05:52,720 and see where it's led. 120 00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:55,720 Wendy, you've got a very strange way of asking for sympathy. 121 00:05:55,720 --> 00:05:58,880 I'm not asking for sympathy, I'm asking for justice. 122 00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:01,400 I think you mean revenge. 123 00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:04,280 I'm not a vindictive person. Far from it. 124 00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:06,680 But I do think that Roger and people like him should be 125 00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:09,040 in prison for the good of society as a whole. 126 00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:10,080 Right. 127 00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:13,400 Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to interrupt. 128 00:06:13,400 --> 00:06:15,960 I'll pop back later. Phil, Phil... 129 00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:19,040 I forgot something. You know, you need a burglar alarm. What? 130 00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:21,680 Anyway, this looks like the sort of conversation that's best 131 00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:23,160 conducted in the absence of chaps. 132 00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:25,080 Phil, get in. Get in. 133 00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:30,760 Dugdale's dog died. 134 00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:32,760 Roger's fallen behind on the mortgage. 135 00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:34,800 Is that our problem? 136 00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:37,440 Well, it's almost certainly mine. 137 00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:40,240 OK, well, where is he? I'll kill him. 138 00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:41,960 How will you do that? 139 00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:45,200 In quite a different way to me, I expect. More...more methodical. 140 00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:48,480 Oh... How far behind on the mortgage do you have to get 141 00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:50,920 before they confiscate the property? 142 00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:54,120 Well, it depends on your prospects and the lender. 143 00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:58,000 I mean, did you borrow the money from a reputable building society 144 00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:02,600 or the local branch of the Stoke Poges mafia? 145 00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:05,040 I don't know. Well, I mean, when they came to the door 146 00:07:05,040 --> 00:07:07,960 were there any signs of coercion? You know, baseball bats, 147 00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:11,120 hear a lot of shouting, cleavers, that sort of thing? 148 00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:12,840 Phil? Hm? 149 00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:20,360 Incidentally, that white Audi out there, is that yours? 150 00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:23,680 Yes. Well, it's a very nice car for a bankrupt. 151 00:07:23,680 --> 00:07:24,720 Roger got it cheap. 152 00:07:25,760 --> 00:07:26,800 Did he? 153 00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:29,320 Well, he wouldn't have bothered, but Edith was so upset 154 00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:32,440 when he sold my old car. He only bought this to please you. 155 00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:37,480 Dugdale's dog died. 156 00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:42,200 I-I-I mentioned it earlier, but I don't think you took it in. 157 00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:44,880 Dugdale's dog died? Oh, I'm sorry. Poor man. 158 00:07:44,880 --> 00:07:46,760 I know, I was trying to console him. 159 00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:49,800 Hello?! What about me? What am I going to do? 160 00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:51,680 Divorce Roger, take possession of the house, 161 00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:54,280 mortgage it again or sell it, 162 00:07:54,280 --> 00:07:56,760 find yourself a better job, 163 00:07:56,760 --> 00:07:59,600 flog the Audi and get a scooter. 164 00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:01,280 A scooter?! 165 00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:04,640 How am I supposed to take the twins to school on a scooter?! 166 00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:06,040 Practice! 167 00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:11,080 SHE SOBS 168 00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:15,280 SHE CRIES 169 00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:17,560 DOOR CLOSES 170 00:08:17,560 --> 00:08:21,520 I'm sorry, it's just that Wendy doesn't always bring out the... 171 00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:23,600 very best in me. 172 00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:53,200 POTS CLATTER 173 00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:56,960 Roger, what are you doing? 174 00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:58,360 Security. 175 00:08:58,360 --> 00:09:01,080 There's been a few burglaries in the neighbourhood 176 00:09:01,080 --> 00:09:04,880 and the kitchen is the weakest spot in this house. 177 00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:06,760 Well, Phil's going to fit an alarm. 178 00:09:06,760 --> 00:09:08,920 Yeah, but when? 179 00:09:08,920 --> 00:09:10,880 Tomorrow, I expect. 180 00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:12,160 It might be too late by then. 181 00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:14,720 We might be all murdered in our beds. 182 00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:16,680 If someone broke in to steal something, 183 00:09:16,680 --> 00:09:18,960 they wouldn't want to murder us, would they? 184 00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:20,600 Not you. 185 00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:21,720 Not me? Me. 186 00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:23,680 What are you talking about? I've got enemies. 187 00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:28,760 Could you just hold this end for me? 188 00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:32,400 Roger, now you're frightening me. "Enemies"? 189 00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:33,800 Wendy. 190 00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:37,280 Oh, good gracious. Wendy wouldn't hurt a fly. 191 00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:39,600 Yeah? You haven't seen her diary. 192 00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:42,280 You know, she left it on the kitchen table, open, on purpose, 193 00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:45,280 so that I'd read it. This isn't going to work. It's crazy. 194 00:09:47,600 --> 00:09:50,520 You won't believe the fate she has in store for me. 195 00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:56,760 Dozens of pages of it, all in little tiny, poisonous, spidery writing. 196 00:09:56,760 --> 00:09:59,120 She's just venting her anger. 197 00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:02,800 She was furious with me. Even from the very beginning, 198 00:10:02,800 --> 00:10:05,320 before we were married. You're making all this up. 199 00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:08,520 See, the thing is, I didn't really want to go out with her 200 00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:11,040 and she knew it. So why did you? 201 00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:13,960 Well, I was desperately in love with Rose. 202 00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:16,200 Rose? Her sister? 203 00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:18,760 I was crazy about Rose. 204 00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:22,480 I only pretended to fancy Wendy so I could be close to Rose. 205 00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:24,440 So why didn't you go out with Rose? 206 00:10:24,440 --> 00:10:27,840 Oh, she was going out with Martin Norton and I hoped that 207 00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:31,400 that would break down and I'd be strategically placed. 208 00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:35,400 I hoped that true love would win out in the end. 209 00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:36,960 So you were stuck with Wendy. 210 00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:38,800 Yeah, tragically. 211 00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:39,840 And even... 212 00:10:41,320 --> 00:10:44,080 And even more tragically, Wendy got stuck with you. 213 00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:47,200 Roger, I don't want to hear any more of this. 214 00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:48,600 Any of it. Ever. 215 00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:54,720 And put all this lot back where you found it. Now! 216 00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:16,720 DISTANT SMASHING 217 00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:45,280 MUFFLED LOUD MUSIC 218 00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:46,320 SHE SIGHS 219 00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:50,640 Bloody Roger. 220 00:11:57,920 --> 00:12:01,760 RADIO JINGLE 221 00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:06,880 MUSIC: (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction by The Rolling Stones 222 00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:08,160 Oh, yes! 223 00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:12,160 Come on! VOLUME INCREASES 224 00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:14,120 MUSIC THUMPS 225 00:12:19,560 --> 00:12:22,680 HE PLAYS ALONG # I can't get no 226 00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:25,840 # Satisfaction... # 227 00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:28,000 What on Earth? 228 00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:29,840 # I can't get no 229 00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:32,600 # Satisfaction 230 00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:34,080 # Cos I try 231 00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:35,920 # And I try 232 00:12:35,920 --> 00:12:37,400 # And I try 233 00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:38,880 # And I try! 234 00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:40,440 # I can't get no 235 00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:44,000 # I can't get no 236 00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:49,680 # When I'm drivin' in my car 237 00:12:49,680 --> 00:12:53,360 # And a man comes on the radio 238 00:12:53,360 --> 00:12:56,240 # He's telling me more and more 239 00:12:56,240 --> 00:12:59,760 # About some useless information 240 00:12:59,760 --> 00:13:03,120 # Supposed to fire my imagination 241 00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:04,960 # I can't get no 242 00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:08,680 # Oh, no, no, no 243 00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:12,040 # Hey, hey, hey 244 00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:15,240 # That's what I say 245 00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:20,800 # I can't get no... # 246 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,160 Hi! 247 00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:25,080 # Satisfaction 248 00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:29,120 # I can't get no 249 00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:31,800 # Satisfaction... # 250 00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:32,840 MUSIC STOPS 251 00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:34,720 Sorry, did I wake you? 252 00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:36,440 Who the hell are you? 253 00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:38,200 Er, Steve. 254 00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:39,600 Would you like a cuppa? 255 00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:41,000 Are you a friend of Roger's? 256 00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:43,000 Roger's? Vincent Rogers? 257 00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:44,360 What are you doing here? 258 00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:47,120 Oh, I'm your, I'm your local friendly burglar. 259 00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:48,560 "Friendly"? 260 00:13:48,560 --> 00:13:50,360 I'm completely 'armless. 261 00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:54,120 Well, I'm not completely 'armless cos I do have one arm. 262 00:13:54,120 --> 00:13:57,240 Oh? Yeah - armless, harmless. 263 00:13:57,240 --> 00:13:59,880 I've got to get that joke in before anybody else does. 264 00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:01,800 I know, it's pathetic, I know. 265 00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:05,040 My son... Both my sons are upstairs. 266 00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:07,920 They'll be down in a moment. They're calling the police. 267 00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:10,000 Excellent. Excellent? 268 00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:11,440 Yeah, don't worry about it. 269 00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:12,720 I don't understand. 270 00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:15,400 I wouldn't expect you to. People like you. 271 00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:19,320 People like me? Well, comfortable people. Nice houses. 272 00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:21,200 That's a bit steep, isn't it? 273 00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:24,000 You break into my house and then you blame me for having one. 274 00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:25,320 HE LAUGHS 275 00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:26,640 I like that! 276 00:14:26,640 --> 00:14:28,640 You'll go to prison. 277 00:14:28,640 --> 00:14:31,240 Yeah, they're a bit slow around here. 278 00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:32,520 Who is? 279 00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:35,960 The police. The dawdle squad. That's what we call them. 280 00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:37,200 Who's "we"? 281 00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:39,920 Me, and my fellow losers. 282 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:41,720 Losers? 283 00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:44,760 Yeah, that's what I am. A loser. 284 00:14:44,760 --> 00:14:45,800 How nasty. 285 00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:49,160 Well, nobody likes a loser. 286 00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:50,280 I didn't mean that. 287 00:14:50,280 --> 00:14:52,040 I meant the expression. 288 00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:54,960 Loser, you know, winners and losers. 289 00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:56,800 That's not what life should be like. 290 00:14:57,920 --> 00:15:00,640 No, it's not, but it is. 291 00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:02,920 I don't agree with that. 292 00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:05,600 There's more to you than meets the eye. 293 00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:08,080 Was that meant to be a compliment? 294 00:15:08,080 --> 00:15:10,520 Hey... Do I know you? 295 00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:14,400 Do you live around here? 296 00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:16,000 I used to, about 100 years ago. 297 00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:20,000 What... You do look familiar, somehow. 298 00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:29,520 Do you remember the great deposit box robbery in Knightsbridge? 299 00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:31,240 Hmm? 300 00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:35,800 £34 million never recovered. 301 00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:38,000 No. Were you involved in that? 302 00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:39,440 No. 303 00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:42,360 Oh! Wait a minute! 304 00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:44,480 Wait a minute! 305 00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:52,480 Eddie Somerton, Mada Avenue, July 1962. 306 00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:57,000 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 307 00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:59,720 Bob! Bob Angel-Face Whitley! 308 00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:01,920 Yeah, I wish you wouldn't say that. 309 00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:03,720 The handsomest boy in town! 310 00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:05,360 Yeah, don't remind me! 311 00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:07,840 I'd forgotten all about you! 312 00:16:07,840 --> 00:16:10,400 Had you? Had you really? 313 00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:12,520 Well, not completely. 314 00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:15,600 I had wondered from time to time what you were up to, 315 00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:16,760 but, to be honest, 316 00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:19,800 I've never thought of you with any great fondness. 317 00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:23,880 I'm not surprised. I was a... 318 00:16:23,880 --> 00:16:26,520 callous, self-centred bastard. 319 00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:28,440 What are you doing in my kitchen? 320 00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:30,960 Oh, I decided to go back inside. 321 00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:33,400 Back inside? In prison? Yeah. 322 00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:36,560 You know, even at this time of year, it gets cold at night. 323 00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:39,960 What happened to your arm? 324 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:44,240 Oh, well, car crash. Head-on. 325 00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:45,920 Trans-Siberian Highway. 326 00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:47,920 Oh, how dreadful. I'm sorry. 327 00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:51,760 And you, eh? Nice home. 328 00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:54,160 Nice husband. Nice kids. 329 00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:57,200 Lovely grandchildren? 330 00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:59,200 Well, quite lovely. 331 00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:01,240 I'm happy for you. I really am. 332 00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:06,040 Ah... 333 00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:08,560 Don't tell me - your husband died. Yes. 334 00:17:10,080 --> 00:17:11,400 I'm sorry. 335 00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:17,600 But, Eddie... 336 00:17:17,600 --> 00:17:24,240 this is the hand of fate bringing us back together again. 337 00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:26,120 You do realise that, don't you? 338 00:17:26,120 --> 00:17:28,320 This was meant. 339 00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:32,840 That's not quite how I see it. 340 00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:36,120 You will. You're in shock just now, but you will. 341 00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:39,520 We can turn the clock back. 342 00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:41,800 We can get back together again. 343 00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:44,080 Anything is possible. 344 00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:46,040 Are you sure you don't know my son Roger? 345 00:17:46,040 --> 00:17:47,880 He's big on putting the clocks back. 346 00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:49,200 The one upstairs? 347 00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:53,080 Tell him to call the police back and say it was a mistake. 348 00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:56,400 I doubt he called them. He's probably still asleep. 349 00:17:56,400 --> 00:18:00,040 And there's only one son, really. 350 00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:01,760 Eddie... 351 00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:03,840 I always loved you. 352 00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:04,920 I was... 353 00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:10,200 ..completely and utterly obsessed by you. 354 00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:11,440 Besotted. 355 00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:15,720 Until you met someone else. Someone with money. 356 00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:17,680 That was a mistake. Not fate? 357 00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:21,240 No, bad luck. Very bad luck. 358 00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:22,840 Edith! It's all right, I'm here! 359 00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:24,840 Quick, get behind me! Get behind me! 360 00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:27,360 Who are you? This is my friend Phil. 361 00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:29,240 Oh. Hello, Phil. 362 00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:30,480 Where are the police? 363 00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:33,040 Well, they're very slow around here, apparently. 364 00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:35,000 What? The dawdle squad. 365 00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:37,160 Where's Roger? Asleep, I should think. 366 00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:39,840 I asked Roger to call the police when he called me. 367 00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:42,160 Where the hell have you been?! 368 00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:43,600 Upstairs, keeping guard. 369 00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:45,400 Well, did you call the police? 370 00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:48,480 Yes. He's lying. I'm a pro. I know. 371 00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:51,360 I couldn't remember the number. 372 00:18:51,360 --> 00:18:53,360 You couldn't remember the number?! 373 00:18:53,360 --> 00:18:54,960 Now he's telling the truth. 374 00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:59,160 You couldn't remember the nu... You couldn't remember 999?! 375 00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:01,040 Yeah, well, I can now, but I couldn't then. 376 00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:03,720 I was stressed. I thought you were going to ring the police. 377 00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:05,520 No, no, you were going to call the police! 378 00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:07,600 Mum, are there any biscuits? 379 00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:08,640 SHE SIGHS 380 00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:13,240 Who the hell are you, anyway? What are you doing here? 381 00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:16,800 Oh, this is kismet that I'm here. 382 00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:20,120 You see, Eddie and I were once at item. 383 00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:23,240 Yes, 1962 for six weeks. Or was it five? 384 00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:25,240 Bob Angel-Face Whitley. 385 00:19:25,240 --> 00:19:26,800 I wish you wouldn't say that. 386 00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:28,920 He broke into here so we'd call the police 387 00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:31,840 and then he'd get put away for a while out of the cold. 388 00:19:31,840 --> 00:19:34,040 Well, then, I think that we can oblige him. 389 00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:35,560 Er, no, I've changed my mind. 390 00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:37,440 No, you haven't. Eddie... 391 00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:39,920 How did you lose your arm? 392 00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:42,280 Oh, er, line of duty. 393 00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:43,560 Shellfire. 394 00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:45,040 First Gulf War. 395 00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:46,200 Oh, was it painful? 396 00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:49,400 Yeah, extremely. But I wouldn't let them give me anaesthetic. 397 00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:52,640 I wanted to... I wanted to know what was going on. 398 00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:54,480 Cool. Did you kill anyone? 399 00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:56,440 Well, not intentionally. 400 00:19:56,440 --> 00:19:57,640 Did you get a medal? 401 00:19:57,640 --> 00:20:01,520 Perhaps you'd like to continue this conversation as a prison visitor? 402 00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:03,480 Er, no, no, no jail. 403 00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:07,000 I'm turning over a new leaf with the help of Eddie. 404 00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:08,640 No, I'm afraid that's not possible. 405 00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:11,960 Who says? The valiant neighbour? 406 00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:13,840 Phil and I are getting married. 407 00:20:13,840 --> 00:20:16,920 Oh, you mean I'm too late? Well, 55 years too late. 408 00:20:18,600 --> 00:20:19,640 Eddie... 409 00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:24,040 Are you making the right choice? 410 00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:25,560 You may have lost your looks, Bob... 411 00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:28,360 And an arm. ..and an arm, but you've still got the brass neck. 412 00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:30,880 Yeah, and that's all I've got left. 413 00:20:30,880 --> 00:20:32,280 And I'm not very proud of it. 414 00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:35,120 I'll call the police. 415 00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:36,480 All right. 416 00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:40,840 Well, maybe a cup of tea and a piece of cake, maybe? 417 00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:43,840 Or some smoked salmon? 418 00:20:43,840 --> 00:20:45,240 Plover's eggs? 419 00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:46,760 Chocolate ants? 420 00:20:46,760 --> 00:20:49,440 Yeah, whatever. How did you get that scar? 421 00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:50,840 Duelling. 422 00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:52,640 Wow. Did you win? 423 00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:54,360 Er, yes, I did. Yeah. 424 00:20:54,360 --> 00:20:56,080 What was it about? 425 00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:58,160 To settle a gambling debt. 426 00:20:58,160 --> 00:20:59,200 Cool. 427 00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:02,480 You'd have grasped by now that my stepson-to-be 428 00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:04,160 is looking for a role model. 429 00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:07,920 I'm interested in people. I'm interested in the human predicament. 430 00:21:07,920 --> 00:21:11,520 That's why I watch documentaries about real people, like Gogglebox. 431 00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:14,760 Bob, I'm going to make some tea and then I'd like you to go. 432 00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:17,000 All right. 433 00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:21,280 Some tea and, er, a cooked breakfast, if you can manage it, 434 00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:23,120 and then call the police. 435 00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:25,280 We're entirely at your disposal. 436 00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:26,880 Do we really need to call the police? 437 00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:29,560 I could lend you some money. How much? 438 00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:32,560 Roger! You've got other commitments! 439 00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:33,960 Like the mortgage. 440 00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:36,560 Oh, yeah. Uh, yeah, yeah, that. OK, well, I mean, 441 00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:38,640 I would lend you some if I could. 442 00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:41,680 Oh. Oh, thanks, buddy. 443 00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:43,600 A diamond geezer. Nice to meet you. 444 00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:44,800 Yeah. 445 00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:46,360 Great to meet you, too. Roger. 446 00:21:46,360 --> 00:21:48,640 CAR SCREECHES OUTSIDE 447 00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:49,960 What is it?! 448 00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:51,880 Wendy. My wife. Where?! 449 00:21:51,880 --> 00:21:52,920 She just drove up. 450 00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:55,080 With the handbrake full-on. Unmistakable. 451 00:21:55,080 --> 00:21:56,720 Roger, did you call Wendy? 452 00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:57,960 Yeah. 453 00:21:57,960 --> 00:22:00,400 What on earth did you call Wendy for? 454 00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:03,120 Well, if anyone could scare off an intruder, it would be her. 455 00:22:03,120 --> 00:22:04,920 She doesn't need any more stress. 456 00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:07,800 Well, she's always complaining about being left out of the loop. 457 00:22:07,800 --> 00:22:10,080 What's happened? Is everyone all right? 458 00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:12,400 Yes, everyone's perfectly all right. 459 00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:14,640 Who's this? This is Bob. 460 00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:16,480 Bob Angel-Face Whitley. 461 00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:19,680 He's a trainee burglar and a professional fraud. 462 00:22:19,680 --> 00:22:22,160 Wendy, Roger should never have called you. 463 00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:25,000 Oh, I'm glad he did. I'm glad you're seeing his true nature. 464 00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:26,040 This is typical of him. 465 00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:28,920 You know, whenever there's a news story about a serial killer, for 466 00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:31,960 example, he sends me out alone, late at night, to the 24-hour chemist. 467 00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:35,520 PHIL: And? Phil. 468 00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:38,200 Well, don't you see? He wants to put me in peril. 469 00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:41,240 Oh, here we go. I thought someone was calling the police. Phil? 470 00:22:41,240 --> 00:22:43,560 PHIL: I can't. WENDY: Why not? 471 00:22:43,560 --> 00:22:45,720 PHIL: Well, he wants us to. WENDY: What? 472 00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:47,000 Would you like a sausage? 473 00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:48,600 Oh, yes, please. 474 00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:50,000 Mushrooms? 475 00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:51,920 Er, no. Not so crazy about mushrooms. 476 00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:53,440 If we comply with his wishes, 477 00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:55,800 then aren't we entering into a conspiracy? 478 00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:58,520 No. Not really. No, just don't say. Don't tell them anything. 479 00:22:58,520 --> 00:22:59,640 Stay shtum. Well, look, 480 00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:02,080 why don't we just tell the police exactly what happened 481 00:23:02,080 --> 00:23:03,280 and leave it to them? 482 00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:06,440 I mean, after all, he did break in, no matter what his motives. 483 00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:09,840 How do you like your eggs? Er, cooked both sides, please. 484 00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:41,200 Roger, careful. 485 00:23:41,200 --> 00:23:42,320 Roger! 486 00:23:42,320 --> 00:23:43,640 EDITH YELPS 487 00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:44,920 Oh, Roger! That's it. 488 00:23:44,920 --> 00:23:46,280 SHE SIGHS 489 00:23:46,280 --> 00:23:47,800 I knew it would work. 490 00:23:47,800 --> 00:23:49,680 INDISTINCT POLICE RADIO 491 00:23:56,120 --> 00:23:58,720 Isn't this the house where all those geriatric hooligans were 492 00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:00,320 having that rave-up? 493 00:24:00,320 --> 00:24:02,560 With that mad old bat. What was her name? 494 00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:05,840 The cuppo. Mrs Gale. One to watch. 495 00:24:05,840 --> 00:24:08,160 This is a local hot spot, then. 496 00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:10,120 Looks like it. 497 00:24:10,120 --> 00:24:12,040 Oh, hello. Talk of the devil. 498 00:24:14,480 --> 00:24:18,360 Hey, what... What's going on? What's happened? 499 00:24:18,360 --> 00:24:20,040 We're just going to find out. 500 00:24:20,040 --> 00:24:22,400 You two stop here. Don't budge. 501 00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:26,400 It's the police! 502 00:24:26,400 --> 00:24:27,840 Who called them? 503 00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:29,160 Don't look at me! 504 00:24:29,160 --> 00:24:31,160 Well, somebody must have called them. 505 00:24:31,160 --> 00:24:34,640 Oh! There's a whole police squad out there. Armed. 506 00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:35,680 Oh, my God. 507 00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:38,360 I can see why you called me, Roger, I'd have got here sooner 508 00:24:38,360 --> 00:24:40,440 but I couldn't find me trainers. 509 00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:42,760 Don't say anything. I'll do the talking. 510 00:24:42,760 --> 00:24:44,200 This is delicious. 511 00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:45,400 Like some ketchup? 512 00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:46,520 Yeah, why not? Mm-hm. 513 00:24:47,560 --> 00:24:51,560 I hope that gives you terminal gastroenteritis. 514 00:24:51,560 --> 00:24:52,600 Huh! 515 00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:58,040 Oh, officer. I'm the person you're looking for. 516 00:24:58,040 --> 00:25:01,000 I broke into these premises, intent on theft, 517 00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:03,760 and I was apprehended by the householder here. 518 00:25:03,760 --> 00:25:05,480 Not true. Absolutely true. 519 00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:06,600 Not true. 520 00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:07,640 Bobby? 521 00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:10,960 Little Bobby Whitley? 522 00:25:10,960 --> 00:25:12,120 Ha-ha, well, I never. 523 00:25:13,360 --> 00:25:15,600 What you been up to this time? 524 00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:19,360 He was always a terrible tearaway, right from the off. 525 00:25:19,360 --> 00:25:20,640 Ah, true enough. 526 00:25:20,640 --> 00:25:24,440 He lost the other one larking about with a milk float. 527 00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:25,880 What's he doing here? 528 00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:29,480 Embracing kismet. 529 00:25:29,480 --> 00:25:33,720 Does the owner of the white Audi registration PF16 NNV 530 00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:36,400 parked on the street at the front of this house live here? 531 00:25:36,400 --> 00:25:39,200 I don't live here, but that is my car. Why? 532 00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:40,840 That's a stolen vehicle, madam. 533 00:25:40,840 --> 00:25:43,200 What? Officer... That man! That man, him! 534 00:25:43,200 --> 00:25:44,680 Him! He gave me that car! 535 00:25:44,680 --> 00:25:47,440 Officer, I'm a common felon. I'll say! 536 00:25:47,440 --> 00:25:50,800 Up to no good. I didn't steal it. I bought that car in good faith. 537 00:25:50,800 --> 00:25:53,720 I must ask you both to accompany me to the police station. 538 00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:56,240 Officer, arrest me! It's your duty! 539 00:25:56,240 --> 00:25:59,120 You don't have to say anything, but it may harm your defence 540 00:25:59,120 --> 00:26:00,960 if you do not mention, when questioned, 541 00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:02,760 something you later rely on in court. 542 00:26:02,760 --> 00:26:05,320 Anything you do say may be given in evidence. 543 00:26:05,320 --> 00:26:07,760 Roger, what have you done? Don't say anything. Roger! 544 00:26:07,760 --> 00:26:10,440 I just told you not to say anything! It'll harm your defence. 545 00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:13,920 Just, just be quiet for once! 546 00:26:13,920 --> 00:26:15,200 Phil! 547 00:26:15,200 --> 00:26:18,040 Oh they'll be back in a couple of hours, sadly. 548 00:26:18,040 --> 00:26:20,880 DOOR CLOSES Unbelievable. 549 00:26:20,880 --> 00:26:22,400 What's the country coming to? 550 00:26:27,520 --> 00:26:28,880 I'll see you later, eh? 551 00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:44,720 Oh, you and Bobby. 552 00:26:44,720 --> 00:26:48,600 Oh, you never forget your first love, do you? 553 00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:51,120 Your mum took a real shine to him. 554 00:26:51,120 --> 00:26:55,480 She was heartbroken when it all came to an end. Heartbroken. 555 00:26:55,480 --> 00:26:56,960 Broke my heart, too. 556 00:26:56,960 --> 00:26:58,320 Did it? 557 00:26:58,320 --> 00:27:01,080 Well, they were made for each other. 558 00:27:01,080 --> 00:27:02,320 Mrs Gale... 559 00:27:02,320 --> 00:27:04,520 Oh, I'll go, then. 560 00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:08,680 DOOR CLOSES 561 00:27:08,680 --> 00:27:10,000 SHE SIGHS 562 00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:11,680 Oh, like a cup of tea? 563 00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:14,120 Oh, will you not offer me the full English, dear? 564 00:27:15,280 --> 00:27:17,360 Oh, I can, if you'd like one. 565 00:27:17,360 --> 00:27:18,960 Of course I don't want one. 566 00:27:18,960 --> 00:27:21,640 I just want an ordinary cup of tea, please. 567 00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:22,960 SHE STIFLES A LAUGH 568 00:27:28,720 --> 00:27:31,800 SHE ERUPTS WITH LAUGHTER 569 00:27:34,720 --> 00:27:37,720 HE CHUCKLES SOFTLY 570 00:27:39,480 --> 00:27:41,120 SHE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY 571 00:27:41,120 --> 00:27:42,880 Oh, shut up! 572 00:27:42,880 --> 00:27:44,840 I can't stop!