# Have I the right to hold you?
# You know I've always told you
# I've loved you from the very start
# Come right back
# I just can't bear it
# I've got this love and I long to share it
# Come right back
# Right back where you belong
# Oh, yeah
# You belong. #
Wendy, please sit down. You're making me nervous.
I'm sorry. I know I'm a nuisance. You're not a nuisance.
A liability. You're not.
A bore. Well, if you go on thinking you are...
You see?
Wendy, sit down, please. That's all I'm asking.
Never used to be boring.
I used to be outgoing and fun.
Friends. Whatever happened to them? They used to remark on it.
"You're so much fun, Wendy. You're so life-enhancing."
Are you eating properly? You look as if you've lost some weight.
I'm getting fat. It's all the worry.
I constantly have to eat comforting, high-calorie junk food.
"You're so vivacious, Wendy," they used to say.
Well, you are vivacious.
Yes, but in the wrong way.
Oh, and I dreamt I killed Roger.
Oh, dear. Last night. And I didn't just kill him.
I did unspeakable things to him first.
Oh, my goodness.
Yeah, with chainsaws and corkscrews and baths of acid and...
Eee-eee-eee-eee!
You know, like in that film by... by Hancock.
Hitchcock. That must have been extremely unpleasant for you.
Not really. No?
Not at all. Ah.
You see, that's what worries me.
Inch by inch, he's turning me into a pathologically violent killer.
It was only a dream.
A very vivid dream.
I don't want to be a murderer.
Well, no. A fat murderer.
And I certainly don't want to be punished for doing away with Roger,
however lenient the sentence. Wendy... Yes?
What did you come to see me about?
Roger's in arrears with the mortgage! I just...
EDITH SIGHS
Should that thing be off the leash?
What? I don't want to get snapped at.
You won't be.
You seem very confident.
I am.
He's dead.
Dead? Are you sure? Well, of course I'm bloody sure!
Sorry. Sorry.
I wouldn't be wrong about that, would I?
No, I'm sorry. Sorry.
He died on Saturday.
Heart attack.
Very sorry.
It's all right. You don't have to say anything.
I know you don't mean it. No, I do, I do really. Really?
Really, yes, uh...
Every dog's death diminishes me.
Excuse me?
Well, my wife, Celia, she died eight years ago, you know,
so I know what it's like. It's not easy.
This is one of your bad-taste jokes.
No, no, certainly not.
Are you seriously suggesting there's
an equivalence between your late wife and Wellington?
Wellington? My dog.
You're suggesting that Wellington and your wife were on a par?
Well, obviously I wouldn't have married Wellington.
See? Bad-taste jokes again.
You just can't resist them, can you?
No, no, no, no, no, look, I'm trying to make a serious point.
I mean, death is indivisible.
Whether it's a beloved animal or a spouse, it's...
not dissimilar in effect.
Well, yes, I see.
Love can't tell the difference.
That's my belief.
I miss him...in more ways than I ever expected.
At every turn.
Of course you do. I miss Celia.
That's the way it goes.
He always let me know when someone was at the door.
Oh, that was useful. Celia was rather shy in that department.
She always let me answer the door.
He snored.
Gently. Very calming.
Yes, well, he had the edge on Celia there.
Unless he heard something outside, then he really let rip.
Lots of burglaries around here at the moment.
Do you have a burglar alarm?
No.
Oh, I hear strange noises in the night all the time.
You're still, erm, carrying his leash.
Are you going to get another one?
I think I may be too old for another Wellington.
Well, I'd recommend a cat.
Not expensive to run,
and keeps me in touch with the infinite on a budget.
I'm a dog man. Always have been.
But, um...
..thanks.
Yes.
Thank you.
Poor sod.
It's a vendetta, isn't it?
He'd like to see us destitute,
out on the streets without a roof over our heads.
Preferably starving. He'd enjoy that.
Perhaps he forgot.
Edith, forgive me for saying so,
but you've got to stop giving Roger the benefit of the doubt.
You've always loved him unconditionally
and see where it's led.
Wendy, you've got a very strange way of asking for sympathy.
I'm not asking for sympathy, I'm asking for justice.
I think you mean revenge.
I'm not a vindictive person. Far from it.
But I do think that Roger and people like him should be
in prison for the good of society as a whole.
Right.
Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to interrupt.
I'll pop back later. Phil, Phil...
I forgot something. You know, you need a burglar alarm. What?
Anyway, this looks like the sort of conversation that's best
conducted in the absence of chaps.
Phil, get in. Get in.
Dugdale's dog died.
Roger's fallen behind on the mortgage.
Is that our problem?
Well, it's almost certainly mine.
OK, well, where is he? I'll kill him.
How will you do that?
In quite a different way to me, I expect. More...more methodical.
Oh... How far behind on the mortgage do you have to get
before they confiscate the property?
Well, it depends on your prospects and the lender.
I mean, did you borrow the money from a reputable building society
or the local branch of the Stoke Poges mafia?
I don't know. Well, I mean, when they came to the door
were there any signs of coercion? You know, baseball bats,
hear a lot of shouting, cleavers, that sort of thing?
Phil? Hm?
Incidentally, that white Audi out there, is that yours?
Yes. Well, it's a very nice car for a bankrupt.
Roger got it cheap.
Did he?
Well, he wouldn't have bothered, but Edith was so upset
when he sold my old car. He only bought this to please you.
Dugdale's dog died.
I-I-I mentioned it earlier, but I don't think you took it in.
Dugdale's dog died? Oh, I'm sorry. Poor man.
I know, I was trying to console him.
Hello?! What about me? What am I going to do?
Divorce Roger, take possession of the house,
mortgage it again or sell it,
find yourself a better job,
flog the Audi and get a scooter.
A scooter?!
How am I supposed to take the twins to school on a scooter?!
Practice!
SHE SOBS
SHE CRIES
DOOR CLOSES
I'm sorry, it's just that Wendy doesn't always bring out the...
very best in me.
POTS CLATTER
Roger, what are you doing?
Security.
There's been a few burglaries in the neighbourhood
and the kitchen is the weakest spot in this house.
Well, Phil's going to fit an alarm.
Yeah, but when?
Tomorrow, I expect.
It might be too late by then.
We might be all murdered in our beds.
If someone broke in to steal something,
they wouldn't want to murder us, would they?
Not you.
Not me? Me.
What are you talking about? I've got enemies.
Could you just hold this end for me?
Roger, now you're frightening me. "Enemies"?
Wendy.
Oh, good gracious. Wendy wouldn't hurt a fly.
Yeah? You haven't seen her diary.
You know, she left it on the kitchen table, open, on purpose,
so that I'd read it. This isn't going to work. It's crazy.
You won't believe the fate she has in store for me.
Dozens of pages of it, all in little tiny, poisonous, spidery writing.
She's just venting her anger.
She was furious with me. Even from the very beginning,
before we were married. You're making all this up.
See, the thing is, I didn't really want to go out with her
and she knew it. So why did you?
Well, I was desperately in love with Rose.
Rose? Her sister?
I was crazy about Rose.
I only pretended to fancy Wendy so I could be close to Rose.
So why didn't you go out with Rose?
Oh, she was going out with Martin Norton and I hoped that
that would break down and I'd be strategically placed.
I hoped that true love would win out in the end.
So you were stuck with Wendy.
Yeah, tragically.
And even...
And even more tragically, Wendy got stuck with you.
Roger, I don't want to hear any more of this.
Any of it. Ever.
And put all this lot back where you found it. Now!
DISTANT SMASHING
MUFFLED LOUD MUSIC
SHE SIGHS
Bloody Roger.
RADIO JINGLE
MUSIC: (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction by The Rolling Stones
Oh, yes!
Come on! VOLUME INCREASES
MUSIC THUMPS
HE PLAYS ALONG # I can't get no
# Satisfaction... #
What on Earth?
# I can't get no
# Satisfaction
# Cos I try
# And I try
# And I try!
# I can't get no
# When I'm drivin' in my car
# And a man comes on the radio
# He's telling me more and more
# About some useless information
# Supposed to fire my imagination
# I can't get no
# Oh, no, no, no
# Hey, hey, hey
# That's what I say
# I can't get no... #
Hi!
# Satisfaction
# I can't get no
# Satisfaction... #
MUSIC STOPS
Sorry, did I wake you?
Who the hell are you?
Er, Steve.
Would you like a cuppa?
Are you a friend of Roger's?
Roger's? Vincent Rogers?
What are you doing here?
Oh, I'm your, I'm your local friendly burglar.
"Friendly"?
I'm completely 'armless.
Well, I'm not completely 'armless cos I do have one arm.
Oh? Yeah - armless, harmless.
I've got to get that joke in before anybody else does.
I know, it's pathetic, I know.
My son... Both my sons are upstairs.
They'll be down in a moment. They're calling the police.
Excellent. Excellent?
Yeah, don't worry about it.
I don't understand.
I wouldn't expect you to. People like you.
People like me? Well, comfortable people. Nice houses.
That's a bit steep, isn't it?
You break into my house and then you blame me for having one.
HE LAUGHS
I like that!
You'll go to prison.
Yeah, they're a bit slow around here.
Who is?
The police. The dawdle squad. That's what we call them.
Who's "we"?
Me, and my fellow losers.
Losers?
Yeah, that's what I am. A loser.
How nasty.
Well, nobody likes a loser.
I didn't mean that.
I meant the expression.
Loser, you know, winners and losers.
That's not what life should be like.
No, it's not, but it is.
I don't agree with that.
There's more to you than meets the eye.
Was that meant to be a compliment?
Hey... Do I know you?
Do you live around here?
I used to, about 100 years ago.
What... You do look familiar, somehow.
Do you remember the great deposit box robbery in Knightsbridge?
Hmm?
£34 million never recovered.
No. Were you involved in that?
No.
Oh! Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!
Eddie Somerton, Mada Avenue, July 1962.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Bob! Bob Angel-Face Whitley!
Yeah, I wish you wouldn't say that.
The handsomest boy in town!
Yeah, don't remind me!
I'd forgotten all about you!
Had you? Had you really?
Well, not completely.
I had wondered from time to time what you were up to,
but, to be honest,
I've never thought of you with any great fondness.
I'm not surprised. I was a...
callous, self-centred bastard.
What are you doing in my kitchen?
Oh, I decided to go back inside.
Back inside? In prison? Yeah.
You know, even at this time of year, it gets cold at night.
What happened to your arm?
Oh, well, car crash. Head-on.
Trans-Siberian Highway.
Oh, how dreadful. I'm sorry.
And you, eh? Nice home.
Nice husband. Nice kids.
Lovely grandchildren?
Well, quite lovely.
I'm happy for you. I really am.
Ah...
Don't tell me - your husband died. Yes.
I'm sorry.
But, Eddie...
this is the hand of fate bringing us back together again.
You do realise that, don't you?
This was meant.
That's not quite how I see it.
You will. You're in shock just now, but you will.
We can turn the clock back.
We can get back together again.
Anything is possible.
Are you sure you don't know my son Roger?
He's big on putting the clocks back.
The one upstairs?
Tell him to call the police back and say it was a mistake.
I doubt he called them. He's probably still asleep.
And there's only one son, really.
Eddie...
I always loved you.
I was...
..completely and utterly obsessed by you.
Besotted.
Until you met someone else. Someone with money.
That was a mistake. Not fate?
No, bad luck. Very bad luck.
Edith! It's all right, I'm here!
Quick, get behind me! Get behind me!
Who are you? This is my friend Phil.
Oh. Hello, Phil.
Where are the police?
Well, they're very slow around here, apparently.
What? The dawdle squad.
Where's Roger? Asleep, I should think.
I asked Roger to call the police when he called me.
Where the hell have you been?!
Upstairs, keeping guard.
Well, did you call the police?
Yes. He's lying. I'm a pro. I know.
I couldn't remember the number.
You couldn't remember the number?!
Now he's telling the truth.
You couldn't remember the nu... You couldn't remember 999?!
Yeah, well, I can now, but I couldn't then.
I was stressed. I thought you were going to ring the police.
No, no, you were going to call the police!
Mum, are there any biscuits?
SHE SIGHS
Who the hell are you, anyway? What are you doing here?
Oh, this is kismet that I'm here.
You see, Eddie and I were once at item.
Yes, 1962 for six weeks. Or was it five?
Bob Angel-Face Whitley.
I wish you wouldn't say that.
He broke into here so we'd call the police
and then he'd get put away for a while out of the cold.
Well, then, I think that we can oblige him.
Er, no, I've changed my mind.
No, you haven't. Eddie...
How did you lose your arm?
Oh, er, line of duty.
Shellfire.
First Gulf War.
Oh, was it painful?
Yeah, extremely. But I wouldn't let them give me anaesthetic.
I wanted to... I wanted to know what was going on.
Cool. Did you kill anyone?
Well, not intentionally.
Did you get a medal?
Perhaps you'd like to continue this conversation as a prison visitor?
Er, no, no, no jail.
I'm turning over a new leaf with the help of Eddie.
No, I'm afraid that's not possible.
Who says? The valiant neighbour?
Phil and I are getting married.
Oh, you mean I'm too late? Well, 55 years too late.
Eddie...
Are you making the right choice?
You may have lost your looks, Bob...
And an arm. ..and an arm, but you've still got the brass neck.
Yeah, and that's all I've got left.
And I'm not very proud of it.
I'll call the police.
All right.
Well, maybe a cup of tea and a piece of cake, maybe?
Or some smoked salmon?
Plover's eggs?
Chocolate ants?
Yeah, whatever. How did you get that scar?
Duelling.
Wow. Did you win?
Er, yes, I did. Yeah.
What was it about?
To settle a gambling debt.
Cool.
You'd have grasped by now that my stepson-to-be
is looking for a role model.
I'm interested in people. I'm interested in the human predicament.
That's why I watch documentaries about real people, like Gogglebox.
Bob, I'm going to make some tea and then I'd like you to go.
All right.
Some tea and, er, a cooked breakfast, if you can manage it,
and then call the police.
We're entirely at your disposal.
Do we really need to call the police?
I could lend you some money. How much?
Roger! You've got other commitments!
Like the mortgage.
Oh, yeah. Uh, yeah, yeah, that. OK, well, I mean,
I would lend you some if I could.
Oh. Oh, thanks, buddy.
A diamond geezer. Nice to meet you.
Yeah.
Great to meet you, too. Roger.
CAR SCREECHES OUTSIDE
What is it?!
Wendy. My wife. Where?!
She just drove up.
With the handbrake full-on. Unmistakable.
Roger, did you call Wendy?
Yeah.
What on earth did you call Wendy for?
Well, if anyone could scare off an intruder, it would be her.
She doesn't need any more stress.
Well, she's always complaining about being left out of the loop.
What's happened? Is everyone all right?
Yes, everyone's perfectly all right.
Who's this? This is Bob.
Bob Angel-Face Whitley.
He's a trainee burglar and a professional fraud.
Wendy, Roger should never have called you.
Oh, I'm glad he did. I'm glad you're seeing his true nature.
This is typical of him.
You know, whenever there's a news story about a serial killer, for
example, he sends me out alone, late at night, to the 24-hour chemist.
PHIL: And? Phil.
Well, don't you see? He wants to put me in peril.
Oh, here we go. I thought someone was calling the police. Phil?
PHIL: I can't. WENDY: Why not?
PHIL: Well, he wants us to. WENDY: What?
Would you like a sausage?
Oh, yes, please.
Mushrooms?
Er, no. Not so crazy about mushrooms.
If we comply with his wishes,
then aren't we entering into a conspiracy?
No. Not really. No, just don't say. Don't tell them anything.
Stay shtum. Well, look,
why don't we just tell the police exactly what happened
and leave it to them?
I mean, after all, he did break in, no matter what his motives.
How do you like your eggs? Er, cooked both sides, please.
Roger, careful.
Roger!
EDITH YELPS
Oh, Roger! That's it.
SHE SIGHS
I knew it would work.
INDISTINCT POLICE RADIO
Isn't this the house where all those geriatric hooligans were
having that rave-up?
With that mad old bat. What was her name?
The cuppo. Mrs Gale. One to watch.
This is a local hot spot, then.
Looks like it.
Oh, hello. Talk of the devil.
Hey, what... What's going on? What's happened?
We're just going to find out.
You two stop here. Don't budge.
It's the police!
Who called them?
Don't look at me!
Well, somebody must have called them.
Oh! There's a whole police squad out there. Armed.
Oh, my God.
I can see why you called me, Roger, I'd have got here sooner
but I couldn't find me trainers.
Don't say anything. I'll do the talking.
This is delicious.
Like some ketchup?
Yeah, why not? Mm-hm.
I hope that gives you terminal gastroenteritis.
Huh!
Oh, officer. I'm the person you're looking for.
I broke into these premises, intent on theft,
and I was apprehended by the householder here.
Not true. Absolutely true.
Not true.
Bobby?
Little Bobby Whitley?
Ha-ha, well, I never.
What you been up to this time?
He was always a terrible tearaway, right from the off.
Ah, true enough.
He lost the other one larking about with a milk float.
What's he doing here?
Embracing kismet.
Does the owner of the white Audi registration PF16 NNV
parked on the street at the front of this house live here?
I don't live here, but that is my car. Why?
That's a stolen vehicle, madam.
What? Officer... That man! That man, him!
Him! He gave me that car!
Officer, I'm a common felon. I'll say!
Up to no good. I didn't steal it. I bought that car in good faith.
I must ask you both to accompany me to the police station.
Officer, arrest me! It's your duty!
You don't have to say anything, but it may harm your defence
if you do not mention, when questioned,
something you later rely on in court.
Anything you do say may be given in evidence.
Roger, what have you done? Don't say anything. Roger!
I just told you not to say anything! It'll harm your defence.
Just, just be quiet for once!
Phil!
Oh they'll be back in a couple of hours, sadly.
DOOR CLOSES Unbelievable.
What's the country coming to?
I'll see you later, eh?
Oh, you and Bobby.
Oh, you never forget your first love, do you?
Your mum took a real shine to him.
She was heartbroken when it all came to an end. Heartbroken.
Broke my heart, too.
Did it?
Well, they were made for each other.
Mrs Gale...
Oh, I'll go, then.
DOOR CLOSES
SHE SIGHS
Oh, like a cup of tea?
Oh, will you not offer me the full English, dear?
Oh, I can, if you'd like one.
Of course I don't want one.
I just want an ordinary cup of tea, please.
SHE STIFLES A LAUGH
SHE ERUPTS WITH LAUGHTER
HE CHUCKLES SOFTLY
SHE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
Oh, shut up!
I can't stop!