# Have I the right to hold you?
# You know I've always told you
# I've loved you from the very start
# Come right back
# I just can't bear it
# I've got some love and I long to share it
# Come right back, right back where you belong
# Oh, yeah
# You belong... #
So, while your mother's out of the room, how... How bad is it?
Oh, it's not so bad.
Honestly, I've been through worse.
I've got the accounts for last year. No, no, no.
I don't need them. Oh.
Phil, I've been in business for 20 years and I'm still at it.
30K be enough?
Yes, on top of the bank loan.
Good. And if the business goes belly up,
I'll be right at the back of the queue, right?
It won't go belly up, and if it does, I'll... I'll sell my house.
Oh, all right.
What would you do then?
Move in here with Mum and Roger.
HE CHOKES
OK, OK, OK.
Are you all right? Good grief.
Just when you were about to write the cheque.
Yeah, well, you know how to kill me now, if you ever wanted.
I was joking. Mmm, well, tell that to the coroner.
Roger's feeling a bit better.
I think it's just a bad cold.
A cold?
He's got a cold and he's got you running up there with hot drinks.
What is that?
Oh, a crocodile.
Well, yes. It's Roger's.
He was so upset when they didn't give him the job at the toy shop
that they gave him that as a consolation prize.
Dear God. So, is it all done?
Er, yes. Phil is about to write a cheque. Aren't you, Phil? Mm-hm.
Yes, well, I hope all this is going to be all right.
Oh, it's a bargain.
A one-year interest-free loan of £30,000
in exchange for a free monthly haircut for me
and a perm or whatever for your mum in perpetuity.
Am I right?
Absolutely. A huge bargain.
Mm, and when you're looking for a buyer for a house share
on the Brooklyn Bridge or the Tower of London,
I trust you'll give me first refusal.
SHE CHUCKLES
Don't lend her a penny.
You'll never get it back.
You come down to be generous with your germs?
You're immune.
If a viper bit her, it'd die.
Roger! I came for Methuselah.
Should Phil...
Should Phil lend Sandra the money?
SILLY VOICE: What a stupid question! Definitely not.
No, no, no, no, no, no! Noooooo!
NO, NOOOOO!
Night-night.
Sleep tight.
Hope the hippopotamuses don't bite.
This will all be better once the right job comes along.
BURSTS OUT LAUGHING
Oh, sorry.
Ah...
That's it, come on... No, no, no!
No!
Up, up, up!
Come on... Come on!
Hello, Roger.
Oh, Bob. Bob the Burglar.
Just Bob will do.
All right. Yeah.
Can you give me a ha...?
Sorry.
You know, I used to fly kites for the army.
Signal Corp. Cool.
Yeah, Somaliland campaign.
You know, against the Dervish. Wow.
Roger, the Somaliland campaign was in 1920.
I wasn't even born.
Ah, right.
It really pains me to see what a pathetically easy target you are.
It's no fun for you really, is it?
It's not as if you're even born yesterday.
It's like half an hour ago.
What can I do? Well, it's a problem.
You know... I could take you under my wing, you know?
Make you my apprentice, but, you know, I'd have to charge you.
Well, I've got no money.
What, nothing?
Well, I'm in debt.
No, that means you're rich. The more debt you have, the richer you are.
You ramp that up to millions,
they will treat you like royalty.
I tried to get a job, but my heart's not in it.
Well, good for you. I never fancied working myself either.
How is your mother?
She's a lovely lady.
Yeah, really good.
That's even better. What do you mean?
You could be a carer. What, for Mum?
Exactly. Make a few bob.
But she doesn't need a carer. She's fine.
So? So they won't let me.
Of course they will!
No, there'll be forms and stuff to fill in, won't there?
No, they don't bother about that nonsense.
You get me your mother's full name, date, place of birth,
social security number, all that stuff and I'll do the rest.
The rest? Yeah, a doctor's letter.
See, er... I know people, right?
I'm, like, connected.
Won't they want paying?
Oh... 300 should do it.
300?
Yeah, on account.
You can pay me back in instalments once you get the job.
See, it's like an investment.
You know? You get an income with next to nothing to do for her.
Now, I do like the sound of that. Yeah.
Just wish we'd talked about it more first.
I mean, Sandra's always going on about
how brilliantly on top of everything she is.
And then as soon as the ice starts to crack, up you come,
waving your cheque book in the air.
Well, I thought you might be grateful.
Maybe I don't want to be grateful.
Are you worried about it? Aren't you? Not really, no.
That's a big fib.
Could be right.
So, here is a comprehensive account
by a proper doctor on why your mum needs a carer.
I can't do it. Why not?
I'm too nervous.
They'll suspect something. Nervous is normal.
Everybody's nervous going through that door.
If you weren't nervous, they would suspect you.
Go on, you'll be surprised how easy it is.
I'll be waiting for you on that bench. Go on.
How long have you been caring for your mother, Roger?
Uh, it's about... about six years.
Months! Months.
On your own?
Uh, yes, mainly on my own, yeah.
I've got a sister but she's dead.
She works! Sister works.
So, yeah, yeah, on my own, yeah.
Felicity. Hmm?
Questions. Comments.
It's very kind of you.
Yes, yes, it is.
Your doctor says your mother has severe mobility problems,
has almost entirely lost the power of speech
and is subject to fits of uncontrollable rage.
Good grief!
That sounds really bad, doesn't it?
Um, I mean, when you say it like that.
I presume you don't have a regular job.
No. Um, I did do, but I had to give it up.
To look after your mother. No... Yes! But not at first.
That was later, so, um...
Yeah. Yeah.
You must be under a lot of stress, Roger. Yeah.
I am. I am.
Under a lot of stress.
Well, there you go. That didn't take too long.
How'd it go? Oh, I'm finished.
Done for. I might as well go straight to the police and confess.
What are you talking about? What happened?
They're sending an inspector to the house.
11 o'clock, Thursday morning.
Good. Good?! It's not good at all.
It's a disaster.
I never realised that I was happy, but now I know I was
compared to this.
Oh, dear.
What's up, Rog?
Oh, nothing at all. Nothing.
Queenie, will you do me a favour?
Well, if I can.
I've got a friend who... who's got a friend who's training to be
an assessor for people who want to be carers.
And, erm, but they need someone to practise on.
What, like a guinea pig?
Yeah, yeah, just someone to pretend that they can't walk or talk
and they get a bit frustrated about it.
Oh, a difficult customer.
Well, not too difficult
and you wouldn't have to do anything or even have to say anything.
Uh, I'd do all the talking.
Yeah, I think I can manage that.
I played the front legs of a pantomime horse once
for four years running.
The front legs, mind you.
Well, I'm impressed.
Yeah. So was I.
Mainly by the randy little rapscallion
who played the back legs
and subsequently became my second husband.
Um, and just for authenticity's sake, um,
we'd pretend that you're my mum.
Oh... Well, if you say so.
I hope Edith won't mind.
Oh, no, no, she won't mind.
But don't say anything to her, will you?
She won't be here on the Thursday when this person comes
and if I get a job on the training programme too,
then I want it to be a big surprise for her. Yeah.
Thank you so much. We'll see you in six weeks.
Love that colour on you. Thank you. Bye-bye.
Leonora's. Can you hold? Hi. Yeah, hi, Sandra.
Yeah, it's Rog. Rog? Don't ever remember calling you Rog.
Were we ever that close, Roger? I don't think so.
What do you want? Uh, yeah.
Mum's had to rush off somewhere.
And?
She asked me to make an appointment for her.
Um, 11 o'clock Thursday morning.
Uh, Phil too.
And she said she wants everything,
so colouring and perming,
straightening and all the other stuff.
Well, it's either one or the other, Roger. Yeah, I know!
But that's what she said. OK.
Thursday at 11.
Great! Great, I'll tell her.
OK, bye.
Oh, hello, dear.
Oh, hi. Hi, Mum. Hi.
Um, Sandra just called.
She said she's made appointments for both of you
for Thursday morning at 11 o'clock. Oh, that's very kind of her.
Yeah, she said not to be late.
I think I'll give it a miss.
She was quite insistent that you both go.
I don't see why.
Well, because...
Because she wants to extend her demographic.
Does she? Yeah, yeah.
She wants to regain profitable territory
from the slap-head generation.
Have you been at the Weetabix again?
She believes that your esteemed presence will boost her business.
Ah, well, now I understand.
I hope this won't take too long cos I haven't finished the cleaning.
Now, this is Edith. My mum.
Mum, this is Miss Oaks.
Felicity.
SHOUTING: Hello, Edith! Nice to meet you!
Felicity is from the social care office.
Remember? She's here to see if you need a carer.
Oh, I do. I do.
I need a carer cos otherwise I won't be able to cope, will I?
Roger has to carry me to the lavatory.
Yes, normally she's just completely incontinent.
Incontinent? Oh, dear.
I mean, incommunicative.
Uh, yeah, she can't say a word, can you, Mum?
But sometimes she has these rather...
..unexpected bursts of verbal diarrhoea.
Oh...Oh...
That's more like it.
See, she gets so frustrated and irritable not being able to speak.
Ohhhhh! Ohh.
Mum. Mum, now Felicity is here to help you.
Now, if you behave badly, then she might just give up and go away.
No, no, Edith, I won't do that.
I'm sure you won't - but may I suggest that we do
the necessary as quickly as possible just for Mum's sake.
I must say, you've done it very nicely.
I love the colours.
It's good, isn't it? Cost, of course.
Vanker and Vanker. What?
The design studio.
Vanker and Vanker.
Oh, very unfortunate names.
They must have had a difficult time in life.
It's not their real names, Mum.
It's the memorable name for the company. I'll say!
So sorry you're having to wait.
If you hadn't asked for Thursday morning...
Did we ask for Thursday morning?
Roger told us that you'd offered Thursday morning.
He said that? Yeah.
Sure? Yeah.
I smell a rat.
I smell several rats - and the biggest of those is Roger.
Can she use the toilet on her own?
Uh, well, I help her but then she's on her own, isn't she?
I mean, what she does in there is her business, isn't it?
Well... Baaah...
And she sleeps upstairs?
Yes. OK.
How does she manage the stairs?
Uh...
I used to be a fireman,
so I just throw her over my shoulder and I carry her up.
Gosh.
Really?
Mum, it isn't funny.
Oh, yes, it is!
I think you need to have other arrangements.
Is there a bathroom downstairs on the ground floor?
DOOR OPENS
Roger.
What's going on? Baaah!
What's the matter with her?
She's just having one of her days, Sandra.
Felicity, this is my sister Sandra.
Felicity works for the local authority care department.
Hello. Hello.
Now, if you'll excuse me, uh, Felicity.
I just need to have a quick word with my sister.
Of course.
Baah.
What are you doing here?! What was all that about?
You're always meddling, aren't you? Always meddling.
Shut up and tell me what you're playing at.
Right, Felicity is a friend of mine, OK?
Now, she is training to assess people to see if they need carers.
Now, I offered to help her in her training.
So did Queenie.
Queenie's pretending to be Mum,
I'm pretending to be me for the purposes of the exercise.
You're lying. No, I'm not!
Where are you going?
I've got a few questions for Felicity. Yeah, no, wait, wait.
Um...
OK, I am lying.
Now, but...thing is...
..I'm trying to become a carer.
A carer? For Mum. What?
I'm committing a criminal act to deceive the local authority
and to defraud the tax-payer into paying me a carer's allowance.
Good God.
Now...and if you let the cat out of the bag, right,
I will drag you into it
and I will ruin both your reputation and your business.
I've got nothing to do with this.
Your signature's on the application form.
You...forged my signature? Well, I'll tell them.
Even if they believed you, it'd get in the papers wouldn't, it?
And mud always sticks.
KNOCK AT DOOR Sorry, um, excuse me,
Roger, your mother's insisting she's Queenie the cleaning lady.
Oh, no! Not that again.
She's... She's always doing that these days.
Isn't she, Sandra?
Yes.
Yes, she has been known to do that.
Oh, there you are, you scallywag.
I've had enough of being your mum.
I want to be myself now, and finish the cleaning.
Oh, no, Mum, don't say that.
I'm not your mum and I can't honestly say I'm altogether sorry.
Phil! Phil...
I'm at Mum's. Get back here fast.
It's an emergency. Don't say anything to Mum.
Just be patient. Oh, God.
Another five minutes, and that's it.
It's not that I don't want to help you, Felicity.
Thank you, Edith. Queenie.
Mum, please.
"Mum."
I'll "Mum" you.
Roger, I wonder if care in the home is really adequate in this case.
I think it is. I can manage.
I really, really can.
She isn't normally this difficult, are you, Mum?
Baaah.
It's quite odd.
She can speak when she's Queenie the cleaner,
but only sometimes when she's Edith.
Yeah, it's very peculiar, but you do get used to it.
Baah!
What are we going to do?!
We've got to come clean.
How? If we tell her the truth, then she'll call the police.
My signature is on the application form! Forged. Hmm.
And for once, Roger is right about one thing.
Mud does stick.
I mean, some of my customers might decide to go elsewhere.
I could be ruined. Have you paid the cheque into the account yet?
Of course. Bugger.
I've got an idea. But you haven't spent it yet, have you? Listen...
Cos I can't afford to wave goodbye to 30K just like that, right?
Me neither.
Somehow...
Somehow, we have to convince Felicity
that Roger is barking
and that we all play along with him
because, despite everything, we love him...
..and we can't face putting him into a home.
Put Roger in a home?
So, you go in there... Mm-hm. ..and send Roger to me -
and we have to keep Felicity in the dark,
so that means you've got to play along, Phil.
Oh, and Mrs G's Mum.
Right. OK?
What?!
I'm here twice a week to help Edith.
Ever since Roger came home.
Oh, not you, as well.
Hello, you must be Felicity.
Y-Yes.
Good, I'm Phil.
I'd Edith's friend.
Right. Roger, could you have a quick word with Sandra, please?
Now, apparently it's a little bit urgent.
Well, Edith, how are you, darling?
Now, don't tire yourself out trying to answer that, so just...
Phil's my companion.
Oh, really? That's nice.
Lovely.
Yeah. Yes. We're going to get married, aren't we?
Yes, the less you say, darling, the quicker this will be over.
Oh, you're not going to jilt me, are you, Phil?
Well, I'm seriously considering it!
Now, do see if you could be as quiet as possible.
I know that you can if you really try.
OK, that's enough, I've done my bit.
I need to vac the dining room.
No, no, no, no, Edith.
I absolutely refuse to let you do any of the cleaning, Edith.
That's Mrs Gale's job.
He knows perfectly well who I am.
Indeed I do, Edith.
Queenie.
I don't want you to think that I'm a snob,
but could you imagine someone like me marrying a cleaning lady?
Um... Point of information -
I know some very marriageable cleaning ladies.
No doubt - but you're not one of them.
Do you mind? I've been married three times.
No, no, you're not one of them because you're Edith.
You see how fickle men are.
When he thinks I'm Edith, he wants to marry me.
When he thinks I'm a cleaning lady, he doesn't.
If you don't shut up, I won't marry you!
Or employ you as a cleaning lady,
or whatever it is that you're doing on the appointed day.
So, don't take any notice of us.
It's a little jovial pre-marital banter.
So, um, have you been doing the...the job long?
Oh, not long at all, really.
That's why Mrs Poole should really be here with me.
Phil... Sh. Listen to what Felicity's saying.
You wouldn't like to carry me to the lavatory, would you?
No, thank you, Edith.
No, not today.
And if this gets out, as it certainly will
if you don't do as I say...
..what do you think it's going to do to Mum?!
She's going to be devastated, isn't she?
She'll probably never recover.
Now you didn't think about that, did you?
Did you?!
No.
You're probably wondering by now why I've set my heart on marrying
this extraordinarily interesting woman Edith.
Queenie. No, no. I wasn't. Not at all.
The answer is, she is extremely rich.
Oh, that's a good one.
Well, if that's the case, then why...
Oh, why, why are we asking the social services to provide a carer?
Yeah. Yes. A good point.
Um, very good point, actually...
Well, the reason is, when I first met her,
she told me that she was incredibly rich.
Um, and by the time I found out that that wasn't true,
I had fallen totally in love with her, you see?
Um, and it was too late to do anything about it,
so that's when I realised that...
..money is the most...not the most important thing in life.
Come along. Come along.
Oh, God.
Go on.
Say goodnight to Felicity.
"Goodnight, Felicity.
"We've got to go to bed now."
Night-night, sleep tight.
Hope the hippopotamuses don't bite.
Ha-ha.
Off we go.
"Night-night!"
I'm so sorry, Felicity.
It... It's very sad.
It really is.
He means well, but if we don't all play along with him,
then it can be a great trial for all of us.
He should really be in care.
You've got to forgive him, dear.
He went a bit daft when his dad died.
He's been a few currants short of a teacake ever since -
but he's a good lad, really.
PHONE RINGS
Hello?
So, how did it go?
Mrs Poole, I don't think I'm cut out for this.
I think I made a mistake.
Of course you're not.
No-one's cut out for this, Felicity.
Not one of us.
But... Well, I look forward
with great interest to reading your first report, Felicity.
But...
Oh.
Roger. Oh, hi, Bob.
So, how did it go?
Great, yeah, fantastic.
I'm a carer. You're a carer! Yeah!
Oh, that's... That's wonderful!
Hey! So, uh...how much are they paying you?
Shedloads. Shedloads!
Oh! That can't be bad, eh? Oh, this...
This calls for celebration.
Yeah, I'll buy you a beer. Yeah.
A beer?
Oh, I won't say no to a beer,
but, um, I hope you're not going to get all parsimonious
on your old friend here, you know?
After all I did for you.
We... We had a deal, Roger? Remember?
Bob, I was joking. I'm not a carer.
You're not? Dear heavens, Roger.
You could kill a man with a joke like that. Yeah, I'm sorry.
I was just trying to take the edge off the bad news.
What happened?
Well, it was going really, really well.
Um, near perfect, and then Sandra turned up.
Sandra, your sister? What, just by chance?
No, she knew. She suspected something.
How come? I don't know. She's always been like that.
How spooky. Diabolical.
Fiendish.
Anyway, it's not all bad news. No?
No, Phil has promised to put me on the payroll
as long as I stay out of trouble. The payroll?
Yeah, it's...pocket money.
So what about that beer, then, huh?
Yeah, yeah, why not?
Uh, you couldn't see your way to lending me a tenner, could you?
Uh, well, I've only got... I've only got five, Bob.
Yeah, well, that'll do for now.
So...is Phil rich?
Squillions.
So what's he doing here?
Yeah, that's what I'd like to know.
He used to work for the Secret Service.
You are kidding.
Mmm - and I think that the Russians might be after him.