1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,840 # Have I the right to hold you? 2 00:00:03,840 --> 00:00:07,240 # You know I've always told you 3 00:00:07,240 --> 00:00:11,320 # I've loved you from the very start 4 00:00:13,480 --> 00:00:15,120 # Come right back 5 00:00:15,120 --> 00:00:17,160 # I just can't bear it 6 00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:20,440 # I've got some love and I long to share it 7 00:00:20,440 --> 00:00:24,320 # Come right back, right back where you belong 8 00:00:24,320 --> 00:00:26,320 # Oh, yeah 9 00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:28,640 # You belong... # 10 00:00:30,040 --> 00:00:34,120 So, while your mother's out of the room, how... How bad is it? 11 00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:35,600 Oh, it's not so bad. 12 00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:37,960 Honestly, I've been through worse. 13 00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:40,640 I've got the accounts for last year. No, no, no. 14 00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:42,520 I don't need them. Oh. 15 00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:47,920 Phil, I've been in business for 20 years and I'm still at it. 16 00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:49,400 30K be enough? 17 00:00:50,480 --> 00:00:52,520 Yes, on top of the bank loan. 18 00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:55,440 Good. And if the business goes belly up, 19 00:00:55,440 --> 00:00:57,400 I'll be right at the back of the queue, right? 20 00:00:57,400 --> 00:01:00,720 It won't go belly up, and if it does, I'll... I'll sell my house. 21 00:01:00,720 --> 00:01:01,920 Oh, all right. 22 00:01:02,920 --> 00:01:04,520 What would you do then? 23 00:01:04,520 --> 00:01:06,080 Move in here with Mum and Roger. 24 00:01:06,080 --> 00:01:08,240 HE CHOKES 25 00:01:16,560 --> 00:01:18,840 OK, OK, OK. 26 00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:20,520 Are you all right? Good grief. 27 00:01:20,520 --> 00:01:22,520 Just when you were about to write the cheque. 28 00:01:22,520 --> 00:01:25,800 Yeah, well, you know how to kill me now, if you ever wanted. 29 00:01:25,800 --> 00:01:29,840 I was joking. Mmm, well, tell that to the coroner. 30 00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:32,040 Roger's feeling a bit better. 31 00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:34,240 I think it's just a bad cold. 32 00:01:34,240 --> 00:01:35,560 A cold? 33 00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:38,720 He's got a cold and he's got you running up there with hot drinks. 34 00:01:38,720 --> 00:01:40,360 What is that? 35 00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:42,360 Oh, a crocodile. 36 00:01:42,360 --> 00:01:44,800 Well, yes. It's Roger's. 37 00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:47,960 He was so upset when they didn't give him the job at the toy shop 38 00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:50,840 that they gave him that as a consolation prize. 39 00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:53,960 Dear God. So, is it all done? 40 00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:57,120 Er, yes. Phil is about to write a cheque. Aren't you, Phil? Mm-hm. 41 00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:59,560 Yes, well, I hope all this is going to be all right. 42 00:01:59,560 --> 00:02:00,680 Oh, it's a bargain. 43 00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:03,640 A one-year interest-free loan of £30,000 44 00:02:03,640 --> 00:02:06,400 in exchange for a free monthly haircut for me 45 00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:10,440 and a perm or whatever for your mum in perpetuity. 46 00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:11,560 Am I right? 47 00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:13,840 Absolutely. A huge bargain. 48 00:02:13,840 --> 00:02:16,080 Mm, and when you're looking for a buyer for a house share 49 00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:18,080 on the Brooklyn Bridge or the Tower of London, 50 00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:20,680 I trust you'll give me first refusal. 51 00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:23,560 SHE CHUCKLES 52 00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:25,160 Don't lend her a penny. 53 00:02:25,160 --> 00:02:26,720 You'll never get it back. 54 00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:28,920 You come down to be generous with your germs? 55 00:02:28,920 --> 00:02:30,440 You're immune. 56 00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:32,840 If a viper bit her, it'd die. 57 00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:35,080 Roger! I came for Methuselah. 58 00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:37,200 Should Phil... 59 00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:40,840 Should Phil lend Sandra the money? 60 00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:45,480 SILLY VOICE: What a stupid question! Definitely not. 61 00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:48,840 No, no, no, no, no, no! Noooooo! 62 00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:52,120 NO, NOOOOO! 63 00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:54,040 Night-night. 64 00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:55,720 Sleep tight. 65 00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:59,360 Hope the hippopotamuses don't bite. 66 00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:02,560 This will all be better once the right job comes along. 67 00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:04,240 BURSTS OUT LAUGHING 68 00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:05,840 Oh, sorry. 69 00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:18,320 Ah... 70 00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:19,760 That's it, come on... No, no, no! 71 00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:20,800 No! 72 00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:28,200 Up, up, up! 73 00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:30,640 Come on... Come on! 74 00:03:37,080 --> 00:03:38,760 Hello, Roger. 75 00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:41,160 Oh, Bob. Bob the Burglar. 76 00:03:42,560 --> 00:03:44,160 Just Bob will do. 77 00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:45,560 All right. Yeah. 78 00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:47,000 Can you give me a ha...? 79 00:03:48,200 --> 00:03:49,320 Sorry. 80 00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:54,840 You know, I used to fly kites for the army. 81 00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:56,720 Signal Corp. Cool. 82 00:03:56,720 --> 00:03:58,120 Yeah, Somaliland campaign. 83 00:03:58,120 --> 00:04:01,240 You know, against the Dervish. Wow. 84 00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:04,600 Roger, the Somaliland campaign was in 1920. 85 00:04:04,600 --> 00:04:06,120 I wasn't even born. 86 00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:07,680 Ah, right. 87 00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:12,600 It really pains me to see what a pathetically easy target you are. 88 00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:14,320 It's no fun for you really, is it? 89 00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:16,600 It's not as if you're even born yesterday. 90 00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:18,800 It's like half an hour ago. 91 00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:21,200 What can I do? Well, it's a problem. 92 00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:24,480 You know... I could take you under my wing, you know? 93 00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:28,240 Make you my apprentice, but, you know, I'd have to charge you. 94 00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:29,480 Well, I've got no money. 95 00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:32,280 What, nothing? 96 00:04:32,280 --> 00:04:34,280 Well, I'm in debt. 97 00:04:34,280 --> 00:04:37,520 No, that means you're rich. The more debt you have, the richer you are. 98 00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:39,200 You ramp that up to millions, 99 00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:41,880 they will treat you like royalty. 100 00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:45,560 I tried to get a job, but my heart's not in it. 101 00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:49,840 Well, good for you. I never fancied working myself either. 102 00:04:58,160 --> 00:05:00,680 How is your mother? 103 00:05:00,680 --> 00:05:02,600 She's a lovely lady. 104 00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:04,040 Yeah, really good. 105 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:08,320 That's even better. What do you mean? 106 00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:10,920 You could be a carer. What, for Mum? 107 00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:13,040 Exactly. Make a few bob. 108 00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:14,880 But she doesn't need a carer. She's fine. 109 00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:18,680 So? So they won't let me. 110 00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:20,440 Of course they will! 111 00:05:20,440 --> 00:05:22,880 No, there'll be forms and stuff to fill in, won't there? 112 00:05:22,880 --> 00:05:25,040 No, they don't bother about that nonsense. 113 00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:29,280 You get me your mother's full name, date, place of birth, 114 00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:33,200 social security number, all that stuff and I'll do the rest. 115 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:36,880 The rest? Yeah, a doctor's letter. 116 00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:39,640 See, er... I know people, right? 117 00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:43,240 I'm, like, connected. 118 00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:44,920 Won't they want paying? 119 00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:47,800 Oh... 300 should do it. 120 00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:49,360 300? 121 00:05:49,360 --> 00:05:51,240 Yeah, on account. 122 00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:54,880 You can pay me back in instalments once you get the job. 123 00:05:57,440 --> 00:06:00,560 See, it's like an investment. 124 00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:03,680 You know? You get an income with next to nothing to do for her. 125 00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:06,040 Now, I do like the sound of that. Yeah. 126 00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:20,160 Just wish we'd talked about it more first. 127 00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:21,880 I mean, Sandra's always going on about 128 00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:25,880 how brilliantly on top of everything she is. 129 00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:28,960 And then as soon as the ice starts to crack, up you come, 130 00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:30,920 waving your cheque book in the air. 131 00:06:30,920 --> 00:06:33,520 Well, I thought you might be grateful. 132 00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:36,800 Maybe I don't want to be grateful. 133 00:06:40,440 --> 00:06:43,600 Are you worried about it? Aren't you? Not really, no. 134 00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:45,760 That's a big fib. 135 00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:49,000 Could be right. 136 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:04,440 So, here is a comprehensive account 137 00:07:04,440 --> 00:07:07,960 by a proper doctor on why your mum needs a carer. 138 00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:12,360 I can't do it. Why not? 139 00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:13,880 I'm too nervous. 140 00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:17,360 They'll suspect something. Nervous is normal. 141 00:07:17,360 --> 00:07:19,360 Everybody's nervous going through that door. 142 00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:22,600 If you weren't nervous, they would suspect you. 143 00:07:23,560 --> 00:07:26,960 Go on, you'll be surprised how easy it is. 144 00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:30,440 I'll be waiting for you on that bench. Go on. 145 00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:50,920 How long have you been caring for your mother, Roger? 146 00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:54,000 Uh, it's about... about six years. 147 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:56,240 Months! Months. 148 00:07:57,880 --> 00:07:59,560 On your own? 149 00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:03,120 Uh, yes, mainly on my own, yeah. 150 00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:05,040 I've got a sister but she's dead. 151 00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:07,520 She works! Sister works. 152 00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:09,720 So, yeah, yeah, on my own, yeah. 153 00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:13,080 Felicity. Hmm? 154 00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:14,960 Questions. Comments. 155 00:08:17,320 --> 00:08:18,800 It's very kind of you. 156 00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:21,440 Yes, yes, it is. 157 00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:27,800 Your doctor says your mother has severe mobility problems, 158 00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:30,360 has almost entirely lost the power of speech 159 00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:33,600 and is subject to fits of uncontrollable rage. 160 00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:34,960 Good grief! 161 00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:37,360 That sounds really bad, doesn't it? 162 00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:40,760 Um, I mean, when you say it like that. 163 00:08:40,760 --> 00:08:42,640 I presume you don't have a regular job. 164 00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:45,920 No. Um, I did do, but I had to give it up. 165 00:08:45,920 --> 00:08:51,520 To look after your mother. No... Yes! But not at first. 166 00:08:51,520 --> 00:08:53,640 That was later, so, um... 167 00:08:53,640 --> 00:08:55,200 Yeah. Yeah. 168 00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:07,480 You must be under a lot of stress, Roger. Yeah. 169 00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:10,000 I am. I am. 170 00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:12,960 Under a lot of stress. 171 00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:28,440 Well, there you go. That didn't take too long. 172 00:09:28,440 --> 00:09:30,840 How'd it go? Oh, I'm finished. 173 00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:34,840 Done for. I might as well go straight to the police and confess. 174 00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:37,880 What are you talking about? What happened? 175 00:09:37,880 --> 00:09:40,600 They're sending an inspector to the house. 176 00:09:40,600 --> 00:09:42,720 11 o'clock, Thursday morning. 177 00:09:42,720 --> 00:09:45,840 Good. Good?! It's not good at all. 178 00:09:45,840 --> 00:09:47,000 It's a disaster. 179 00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:51,640 I never realised that I was happy, but now I know I was 180 00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:53,200 compared to this. 181 00:10:10,040 --> 00:10:12,000 Oh, dear. 182 00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:13,320 What's up, Rog? 183 00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:16,680 Oh, nothing at all. Nothing. 184 00:10:16,680 --> 00:10:19,640 Queenie, will you do me a favour? 185 00:10:19,640 --> 00:10:21,400 Well, if I can. 186 00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:26,280 I've got a friend who... who's got a friend who's training to be 187 00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:29,480 an assessor for people who want to be carers. 188 00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:32,960 And, erm, but they need someone to practise on. 189 00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:34,920 What, like a guinea pig? 190 00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:38,160 Yeah, yeah, just someone to pretend that they can't walk or talk 191 00:10:38,160 --> 00:10:40,360 and they get a bit frustrated about it. 192 00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:42,760 Oh, a difficult customer. 193 00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:44,680 Well, not too difficult 194 00:10:44,680 --> 00:10:48,040 and you wouldn't have to do anything or even have to say anything. 195 00:10:48,040 --> 00:10:49,760 Uh, I'd do all the talking. 196 00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:52,240 Yeah, I think I can manage that. 197 00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:55,520 I played the front legs of a pantomime horse once 198 00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:57,280 for four years running. 199 00:10:57,280 --> 00:10:59,040 The front legs, mind you. 200 00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:00,840 Well, I'm impressed. 201 00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:03,320 Yeah. So was I. 202 00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:05,720 Mainly by the randy little rapscallion 203 00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:07,280 who played the back legs 204 00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:11,120 and subsequently became my second husband. 205 00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:15,800 Um, and just for authenticity's sake, um, 206 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,840 we'd pretend that you're my mum. 207 00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:21,360 Oh... Well, if you say so. 208 00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:22,880 I hope Edith won't mind. 209 00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:25,320 Oh, no, no, she won't mind. 210 00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:27,880 But don't say anything to her, will you? 211 00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:33,240 She won't be here on the Thursday when this person comes 212 00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:35,680 and if I get a job on the training programme too, 213 00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:38,840 then I want it to be a big surprise for her. Yeah. 214 00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:10,360 Thank you so much. We'll see you in six weeks. 215 00:12:10,360 --> 00:12:12,680 Love that colour on you. Thank you. Bye-bye. 216 00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:16,760 Leonora's. Can you hold? Hi. Yeah, hi, Sandra. 217 00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:20,400 Yeah, it's Rog. Rog? Don't ever remember calling you Rog. 218 00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:22,680 Were we ever that close, Roger? I don't think so. 219 00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:24,360 What do you want? Uh, yeah. 220 00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:26,920 Mum's had to rush off somewhere. 221 00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:28,080 And? 222 00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:30,600 She asked me to make an appointment for her. 223 00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:33,240 Um, 11 o'clock Thursday morning. 224 00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:35,240 Uh, Phil too. 225 00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:37,000 And she said she wants everything, 226 00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:41,400 so colouring and perming, 227 00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:43,680 straightening and all the other stuff. 228 00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:46,960 Well, it's either one or the other, Roger. Yeah, I know! 229 00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:49,160 But that's what she said. OK. 230 00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:51,200 Thursday at 11. 231 00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:54,000 Great! Great, I'll tell her. 232 00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:55,160 OK, bye. 233 00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:11,200 Oh, hello, dear. 234 00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:14,800 Oh, hi. Hi, Mum. Hi. 235 00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:17,080 Um, Sandra just called. 236 00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:20,040 She said she's made appointments for both of you 237 00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:23,640 for Thursday morning at 11 o'clock. Oh, that's very kind of her. 238 00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:25,280 Yeah, she said not to be late. 239 00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:26,560 I think I'll give it a miss. 240 00:13:26,560 --> 00:13:29,240 She was quite insistent that you both go. 241 00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:30,840 I don't see why. 242 00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:32,040 Well, because... 243 00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:36,520 Because she wants to extend her demographic. 244 00:13:37,680 --> 00:13:38,720 Does she? Yeah, yeah. 245 00:13:38,720 --> 00:13:41,440 She wants to regain profitable territory 246 00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:43,720 from the slap-head generation. 247 00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:46,880 Have you been at the Weetabix again? 248 00:13:46,880 --> 00:13:50,440 She believes that your esteemed presence will boost her business. 249 00:13:50,440 --> 00:13:52,360 Ah, well, now I understand. 250 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:29,280 I hope this won't take too long cos I haven't finished the cleaning. 251 00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:44,960 Now, this is Edith. My mum. 252 00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:47,240 Mum, this is Miss Oaks. 253 00:14:47,240 --> 00:14:48,640 Felicity. 254 00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:55,000 SHOUTING: Hello, Edith! Nice to meet you! 255 00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:57,240 Felicity is from the social care office. 256 00:14:57,240 --> 00:15:00,880 Remember? She's here to see if you need a carer. 257 00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:02,400 Oh, I do. I do. 258 00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:06,520 I need a carer cos otherwise I won't be able to cope, will I? 259 00:15:06,520 --> 00:15:08,760 Roger has to carry me to the lavatory. 260 00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:12,160 Yes, normally she's just completely incontinent. 261 00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:13,760 Incontinent? Oh, dear. 262 00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:15,360 I mean, incommunicative. 263 00:15:15,360 --> 00:15:18,160 Uh, yeah, she can't say a word, can you, Mum? 264 00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:20,720 But sometimes she has these rather... 265 00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:24,040 ..unexpected bursts of verbal diarrhoea. 266 00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:27,240 Oh...Oh... 267 00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:28,640 That's more like it. 268 00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:31,880 See, she gets so frustrated and irritable not being able to speak. 269 00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:36,040 Ohhhhh! Ohh. 270 00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:39,280 Mum. Mum, now Felicity is here to help you. 271 00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:42,680 Now, if you behave badly, then she might just give up and go away. 272 00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:44,840 No, no, Edith, I won't do that. 273 00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:48,120 I'm sure you won't - but may I suggest that we do 274 00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:52,000 the necessary as quickly as possible just for Mum's sake. 275 00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:57,280 I must say, you've done it very nicely. 276 00:15:57,280 --> 00:15:58,840 I love the colours. 277 00:15:58,840 --> 00:16:01,600 It's good, isn't it? Cost, of course. 278 00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:03,840 Vanker and Vanker. What? 279 00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:05,360 The design studio. 280 00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:06,880 Vanker and Vanker. 281 00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:08,920 Oh, very unfortunate names. 282 00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:11,280 They must have had a difficult time in life. 283 00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:13,200 It's not their real names, Mum. 284 00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:16,320 It's the memorable name for the company. I'll say! 285 00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:21,520 So sorry you're having to wait. 286 00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:23,880 If you hadn't asked for Thursday morning... 287 00:16:23,880 --> 00:16:26,200 Did we ask for Thursday morning? 288 00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:29,120 Roger told us that you'd offered Thursday morning. 289 00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:30,680 He said that? Yeah. 290 00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:33,360 Sure? Yeah. 291 00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:36,400 I smell a rat. 292 00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:39,320 I smell several rats - and the biggest of those is Roger. 293 00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:51,640 Can she use the toilet on her own? 294 00:16:51,640 --> 00:16:54,040 Uh, well, I help her but then she's on her own, isn't she? 295 00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:56,440 I mean, what she does in there is her business, isn't it? 296 00:16:56,440 --> 00:16:59,440 Well... Baaah... 297 00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:01,680 And she sleeps upstairs? 298 00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:04,040 Yes. OK. 299 00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:05,680 How does she manage the stairs? 300 00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:06,920 Uh... 301 00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:09,840 I used to be a fireman, 302 00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:13,400 so I just throw her over my shoulder and I carry her up. 303 00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:15,440 Gosh. 304 00:17:15,440 --> 00:17:16,480 Really? 305 00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:19,960 Mum, it isn't funny. 306 00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:21,800 Oh, yes, it is! 307 00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:25,080 I think you need to have other arrangements. 308 00:17:25,080 --> 00:17:27,440 Is there a bathroom downstairs on the ground floor? 309 00:17:27,440 --> 00:17:28,600 DOOR OPENS 310 00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:29,880 Roger. 311 00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:32,280 What's going on? Baaah! 312 00:17:32,280 --> 00:17:34,080 What's the matter with her? 313 00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:36,520 She's just having one of her days, Sandra. 314 00:17:36,520 --> 00:17:39,320 Felicity, this is my sister Sandra. 315 00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:42,160 Felicity works for the local authority care department. 316 00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:44,040 Hello. Hello. 317 00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:45,840 Now, if you'll excuse me, uh, Felicity. 318 00:17:45,840 --> 00:17:47,800 I just need to have a quick word with my sister. 319 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:49,200 Of course. 320 00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:52,040 Baah. 321 00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:57,760 What are you doing here?! What was all that about? 322 00:17:57,760 --> 00:18:00,200 You're always meddling, aren't you? Always meddling. 323 00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:01,920 Shut up and tell me what you're playing at. 324 00:18:01,920 --> 00:18:04,560 Right, Felicity is a friend of mine, OK? 325 00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:07,720 Now, she is training to assess people to see if they need carers. 326 00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:10,120 Now, I offered to help her in her training. 327 00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:11,200 So did Queenie. 328 00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:12,680 Queenie's pretending to be Mum, 329 00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:16,040 I'm pretending to be me for the purposes of the exercise. 330 00:18:17,360 --> 00:18:18,960 You're lying. No, I'm not! 331 00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:20,360 Where are you going? 332 00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:22,840 I've got a few questions for Felicity. Yeah, no, wait, wait. 333 00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:24,600 Um... 334 00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:26,200 OK, I am lying. 335 00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:28,440 Now, but...thing is... 336 00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:31,480 ..I'm trying to become a carer. 337 00:18:31,480 --> 00:18:34,000 A carer? For Mum. What? 338 00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:36,480 I'm committing a criminal act to deceive the local authority 339 00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:39,120 and to defraud the tax-payer into paying me a carer's allowance. 340 00:18:39,120 --> 00:18:40,600 Good God. 341 00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:44,360 Now...and if you let the cat out of the bag, right, 342 00:18:44,360 --> 00:18:46,880 I will drag you into it 343 00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:50,960 and I will ruin both your reputation and your business. 344 00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:52,800 I've got nothing to do with this. 345 00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:54,680 Your signature's on the application form. 346 00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:58,320 You...forged my signature? Well, I'll tell them. 347 00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:00,920 Even if they believed you, it'd get in the papers wouldn't, it? 348 00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:02,080 And mud always sticks. 349 00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:04,680 KNOCK AT DOOR Sorry, um, excuse me, 350 00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:07,840 Roger, your mother's insisting she's Queenie the cleaning lady. 351 00:19:07,840 --> 00:19:10,120 Oh, no! Not that again. 352 00:19:10,120 --> 00:19:13,040 She's... She's always doing that these days. 353 00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:16,520 Isn't she, Sandra? 354 00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:22,640 Yes. 355 00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:24,920 Yes, she has been known to do that. 356 00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:30,200 Oh, there you are, you scallywag. 357 00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:31,680 I've had enough of being your mum. 358 00:19:31,680 --> 00:19:34,080 I want to be myself now, and finish the cleaning. 359 00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:36,040 Oh, no, Mum, don't say that. 360 00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:39,840 I'm not your mum and I can't honestly say I'm altogether sorry. 361 00:19:39,840 --> 00:19:41,760 Phil! Phil... 362 00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:44,440 I'm at Mum's. Get back here fast. 363 00:19:44,440 --> 00:19:46,640 It's an emergency. Don't say anything to Mum. 364 00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:48,520 Just be patient. Oh, God. 365 00:19:49,560 --> 00:19:52,440 Another five minutes, and that's it. 366 00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:56,400 It's not that I don't want to help you, Felicity. 367 00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:59,160 Thank you, Edith. Queenie. 368 00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:00,440 Mum, please. 369 00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:01,720 "Mum." 370 00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:03,360 I'll "Mum" you. 371 00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:06,240 Roger, I wonder if care in the home is really adequate in this case. 372 00:20:06,240 --> 00:20:08,520 I think it is. I can manage. 373 00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:10,280 I really, really can. 374 00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:12,800 She isn't normally this difficult, are you, Mum? 375 00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:14,200 Baaah. 376 00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:15,320 It's quite odd. 377 00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:17,400 She can speak when she's Queenie the cleaner, 378 00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:19,160 but only sometimes when she's Edith. 379 00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:22,560 Yeah, it's very peculiar, but you do get used to it. 380 00:20:22,560 --> 00:20:24,000 Baah! 381 00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:31,080 What are we going to do?! 382 00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:32,320 We've got to come clean. 383 00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:36,080 How? If we tell her the truth, then she'll call the police. 384 00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:39,640 My signature is on the application form! Forged. Hmm. 385 00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:42,000 And for once, Roger is right about one thing. 386 00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:43,440 Mud does stick. 387 00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:46,080 I mean, some of my customers might decide to go elsewhere. 388 00:20:46,080 --> 00:20:48,720 I could be ruined. Have you paid the cheque into the account yet? 389 00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:50,400 Of course. Bugger. 390 00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:53,480 I've got an idea. But you haven't spent it yet, have you? Listen... 391 00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:57,080 Cos I can't afford to wave goodbye to 30K just like that, right? 392 00:20:57,080 --> 00:20:58,640 Me neither. 393 00:20:58,640 --> 00:20:59,920 Somehow... 394 00:20:59,920 --> 00:21:01,880 Somehow, we have to convince Felicity 395 00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:04,560 that Roger is barking 396 00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:06,480 and that we all play along with him 397 00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:08,960 because, despite everything, we love him... 398 00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:11,240 ..and we can't face putting him into a home. 399 00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:12,600 Put Roger in a home? 400 00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:15,600 So, you go in there... Mm-hm. ..and send Roger to me - 401 00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:17,560 and we have to keep Felicity in the dark, 402 00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:19,480 so that means you've got to play along, Phil. 403 00:21:19,480 --> 00:21:21,360 Oh, and Mrs G's Mum. 404 00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:22,520 Right. OK? 405 00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:25,280 What?! 406 00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:28,560 I'm here twice a week to help Edith. 407 00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:30,440 Ever since Roger came home. 408 00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:33,840 Oh, not you, as well. 409 00:21:33,840 --> 00:21:36,360 Hello, you must be Felicity. 410 00:21:36,360 --> 00:21:37,800 Y-Yes. 411 00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:38,960 Good, I'm Phil. 412 00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:40,480 I'd Edith's friend. 413 00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:44,520 Right. Roger, could you have a quick word with Sandra, please? 414 00:21:44,520 --> 00:21:46,760 Now, apparently it's a little bit urgent. 415 00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:49,000 Well, Edith, how are you, darling? 416 00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:53,640 Now, don't tire yourself out trying to answer that, so just... 417 00:21:56,800 --> 00:21:58,560 Phil's my companion. 418 00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:00,680 Oh, really? That's nice. 419 00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:02,600 Lovely. 420 00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:05,440 Yeah. Yes. We're going to get married, aren't we? 421 00:22:05,440 --> 00:22:08,760 Yes, the less you say, darling, the quicker this will be over. 422 00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:11,480 Oh, you're not going to jilt me, are you, Phil? 423 00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:15,000 Well, I'm seriously considering it! 424 00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:17,280 Now, do see if you could be as quiet as possible. 425 00:22:17,280 --> 00:22:20,240 I know that you can if you really try. 426 00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:21,880 OK, that's enough, I've done my bit. 427 00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:23,120 I need to vac the dining room. 428 00:22:23,120 --> 00:22:24,680 No, no, no, no, Edith. 429 00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:28,440 I absolutely refuse to let you do any of the cleaning, Edith. 430 00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:30,640 That's Mrs Gale's job. 431 00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:32,680 He knows perfectly well who I am. 432 00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:34,600 Indeed I do, Edith. 433 00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:35,760 Queenie. 434 00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:38,400 I don't want you to think that I'm a snob, 435 00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:42,920 but could you imagine someone like me marrying a cleaning lady? 436 00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:45,680 Um... Point of information - 437 00:22:45,680 --> 00:22:49,400 I know some very marriageable cleaning ladies. 438 00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:51,440 No doubt - but you're not one of them. 439 00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:53,440 Do you mind? I've been married three times. 440 00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:56,920 No, no, you're not one of them because you're Edith. 441 00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:01,160 You see how fickle men are. 442 00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:03,640 When he thinks I'm Edith, he wants to marry me. 443 00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:06,200 When he thinks I'm a cleaning lady, he doesn't. 444 00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:08,640 If you don't shut up, I won't marry you! 445 00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:11,080 Or employ you as a cleaning lady, 446 00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:15,400 or whatever it is that you're doing on the appointed day. 447 00:23:15,400 --> 00:23:17,520 So, don't take any notice of us. 448 00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:20,640 It's a little jovial pre-marital banter. 449 00:23:22,320 --> 00:23:25,520 So, um, have you been doing the...the job long? 450 00:23:25,520 --> 00:23:27,040 Oh, not long at all, really. 451 00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:29,760 That's why Mrs Poole should really be here with me. 452 00:23:29,760 --> 00:23:33,360 Phil... Sh. Listen to what Felicity's saying. 453 00:23:33,360 --> 00:23:36,000 You wouldn't like to carry me to the lavatory, would you? 454 00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:37,480 No, thank you, Edith. 455 00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:38,720 No, not today. 456 00:23:40,160 --> 00:23:42,920 And if this gets out, as it certainly will 457 00:23:42,920 --> 00:23:44,640 if you don't do as I say... 458 00:23:44,640 --> 00:23:48,000 ..what do you think it's going to do to Mum?! 459 00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:50,200 She's going to be devastated, isn't she? 460 00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:52,520 She'll probably never recover. 461 00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:56,240 Now you didn't think about that, did you? 462 00:23:56,240 --> 00:23:57,280 Did you?! 463 00:23:58,960 --> 00:24:00,280 No. 464 00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:05,000 You're probably wondering by now why I've set my heart on marrying 465 00:24:05,000 --> 00:24:09,880 this extraordinarily interesting woman Edith. 466 00:24:10,880 --> 00:24:13,440 Queenie. No, no. I wasn't. Not at all. 467 00:24:13,440 --> 00:24:16,760 The answer is, she is extremely rich. 468 00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:19,880 Oh, that's a good one. 469 00:24:20,920 --> 00:24:23,800 Well, if that's the case, then why... 470 00:24:23,800 --> 00:24:29,240 Oh, why, why are we asking the social services to provide a carer? 471 00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:31,360 Yeah. Yes. A good point. 472 00:24:31,360 --> 00:24:34,920 Um, very good point, actually... 473 00:24:34,920 --> 00:24:36,840 Well, the reason is, when I first met her, 474 00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:39,640 she told me that she was incredibly rich. 475 00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:43,280 Um, and by the time I found out that that wasn't true, 476 00:24:43,280 --> 00:24:47,200 I had fallen totally in love with her, you see? 477 00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:51,160 Um, and it was too late to do anything about it, 478 00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:53,920 so that's when I realised that... 479 00:24:53,920 --> 00:24:57,840 ..money is the most...not the most important thing in life. 480 00:24:57,840 --> 00:24:59,840 Come along. Come along. 481 00:24:59,840 --> 00:25:01,120 Oh, God. 482 00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:07,080 Go on. 483 00:25:10,840 --> 00:25:12,720 Say goodnight to Felicity. 484 00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:18,560 "Goodnight, Felicity. 485 00:25:18,560 --> 00:25:21,840 "We've got to go to bed now." 486 00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:24,440 Night-night, sleep tight. 487 00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:26,400 Hope the hippopotamuses don't bite. 488 00:25:26,400 --> 00:25:27,440 Ha-ha. 489 00:25:30,360 --> 00:25:31,760 Off we go. 490 00:25:36,800 --> 00:25:38,160 "Night-night!" 491 00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:42,280 I'm so sorry, Felicity. 492 00:25:42,280 --> 00:25:44,360 It... It's very sad. 493 00:25:44,360 --> 00:25:45,480 It really is. 494 00:25:45,480 --> 00:25:50,240 He means well, but if we don't all play along with him, 495 00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:53,200 then it can be a great trial for all of us. 496 00:25:53,200 --> 00:25:55,440 He should really be in care. 497 00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:57,240 You've got to forgive him, dear. 498 00:25:57,240 --> 00:26:00,160 He went a bit daft when his dad died. 499 00:26:01,120 --> 00:26:05,440 He's been a few currants short of a teacake ever since - 500 00:26:05,440 --> 00:26:07,520 but he's a good lad, really. 501 00:26:12,560 --> 00:26:14,040 PHONE RINGS 502 00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:18,440 Hello? 503 00:26:18,440 --> 00:26:21,240 So, how did it go? 504 00:26:21,240 --> 00:26:23,320 Mrs Poole, I don't think I'm cut out for this. 505 00:26:23,320 --> 00:26:24,920 I think I made a mistake. 506 00:26:24,920 --> 00:26:26,400 Of course you're not. 507 00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:28,400 No-one's cut out for this, Felicity. 508 00:26:28,400 --> 00:26:30,000 Not one of us. 509 00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:31,760 But... Well, I look forward 510 00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:34,640 with great interest to reading your first report, Felicity. 511 00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:36,080 But... 512 00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:38,800 Oh. 513 00:26:56,040 --> 00:26:58,200 Roger. Oh, hi, Bob. 514 00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:03,000 So, how did it go? 515 00:27:04,440 --> 00:27:06,040 Great, yeah, fantastic. 516 00:27:06,040 --> 00:27:08,160 I'm a carer. You're a carer! Yeah! 517 00:27:08,160 --> 00:27:10,200 Oh, that's... That's wonderful! 518 00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:13,440 Hey! So, uh...how much are they paying you? 519 00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:16,040 Shedloads. Shedloads! 520 00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:19,240 Oh! That can't be bad, eh? Oh, this... 521 00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:22,680 This calls for celebration. 522 00:27:22,680 --> 00:27:24,760 Yeah, I'll buy you a beer. Yeah. 523 00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:27,680 A beer? 524 00:27:29,160 --> 00:27:31,160 Oh, I won't say no to a beer, 525 00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:34,440 but, um, I hope you're not going to get all parsimonious 526 00:27:34,440 --> 00:27:36,360 on your old friend here, you know? 527 00:27:36,360 --> 00:27:39,040 After all I did for you. 528 00:27:39,040 --> 00:27:42,200 We... We had a deal, Roger? Remember? 529 00:27:42,200 --> 00:27:44,480 Bob, I was joking. I'm not a carer. 530 00:27:44,480 --> 00:27:46,240 You're not? Dear heavens, Roger. 531 00:27:46,240 --> 00:27:49,160 You could kill a man with a joke like that. Yeah, I'm sorry. 532 00:27:49,160 --> 00:27:51,320 I was just trying to take the edge off the bad news. 533 00:27:51,320 --> 00:27:52,440 What happened? 534 00:27:52,440 --> 00:27:55,080 Well, it was going really, really well. 535 00:27:55,080 --> 00:27:57,760 Um, near perfect, and then Sandra turned up. 536 00:27:57,760 --> 00:28:00,280 Sandra, your sister? What, just by chance? 537 00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:02,440 No, she knew. She suspected something. 538 00:28:02,440 --> 00:28:04,840 How come? I don't know. She's always been like that. 539 00:28:04,840 --> 00:28:06,680 How spooky. Diabolical. 540 00:28:06,680 --> 00:28:07,720 Fiendish. 541 00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:13,400 Anyway, it's not all bad news. No? 542 00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:15,320 No, Phil has promised to put me on the payroll 543 00:28:15,320 --> 00:28:17,280 as long as I stay out of trouble. The payroll? 544 00:28:17,280 --> 00:28:19,240 Yeah, it's...pocket money. 545 00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:23,800 So what about that beer, then, huh? 546 00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:25,680 Yeah, yeah, why not? 547 00:28:30,600 --> 00:28:35,200 Uh, you couldn't see your way to lending me a tenner, could you? 548 00:28:35,200 --> 00:28:38,680 Uh, well, I've only got... I've only got five, Bob. 549 00:28:38,680 --> 00:28:41,000 Yeah, well, that'll do for now. 550 00:28:41,000 --> 00:28:44,440 So...is Phil rich? 551 00:28:44,440 --> 00:28:46,400 Squillions. 552 00:28:46,400 --> 00:28:47,960 So what's he doing here? 553 00:28:47,960 --> 00:28:50,280 Yeah, that's what I'd like to know. 554 00:28:50,280 --> 00:28:52,880 He used to work for the Secret Service. 555 00:28:54,160 --> 00:28:55,440 You are kidding. 556 00:28:55,440 --> 00:28:58,760 Mmm - and I think that the Russians might be after him.