1
00:00:01,955 --> 00:00:03,388
Does everybody
know what time it is?</font>

2
00:00:03,456 --> 00:00:05,324
Audience:  <i>Tool time!</i></font>

3
00:00:05,392 --> 00:00:07,326
That's right!
And now here he is,
the star of our show,</font>

4
00:00:07,394 --> 00:00:10,496
Tim "the tool man" taylor!</font>

5
00:00:10,564 --> 00:00:12,798
(audience cheering)</font>

6
00:00:12,866 --> 00:00:15,501
(earl hindman reading)</font>

7
00:00:20,507 --> 00:00:22,875
Before you
hurt yourselves,
sit down.</font>

8
00:00:28,682 --> 00:00:30,316
Thank you.</font>

9
00:00:30,384 --> 00:00:32,051
Thank you, heidi.</font>

10
00:00:34,454 --> 00:00:36,155
I am tim
"the tool man" taylor,</font>

11
00:00:36,289 --> 00:00:38,157
And, of course,
you all know
my trusted assistant,</font>

12
00:00:38,225 --> 00:00:41,927
Al "who put the bore
in boring" borland.</font>

13
00:00:42,996 --> 00:00:44,863
All right, then.
Today, on  <i>tool time,</i></font>

14
00:00:44,931 --> 00:00:46,865
We're doing our salute...
Salute...</font>

15
00:00:46,933 --> 00:00:48,434
(machine roaring)</font>

16
00:00:49,603 --> 00:00:51,237
...To steamrollers.</font>

17
00:00:52,472 --> 00:00:55,241
No, no.</font>

18
00:00:55,309 --> 00:00:57,410
No, you promised
if I did this show,</font>

19
00:00:57,477 --> 00:00:59,178
There would be
no heavy equipment.</font>

20
00:00:59,246 --> 00:01:01,347
I'm kidding.
What's blowing
your skirt up today?</font>

21
00:01:01,415 --> 00:01:03,849
What's going on, huh?
I'm just kidding around.</font>

22
00:01:03,917 --> 00:01:05,618
We're gonna do
a simple circuit breaker.</font>

23
00:01:05,686 --> 00:01:07,453
Heidi, my simple
circuit breaker, please.</font>

24
00:01:14,261 --> 00:01:15,627
Simple? You call
this simple?</font>

25
00:01:15,695 --> 00:01:18,264
This is a 10,000-amp
industrial circuit breaker.</font>

26
00:01:18,331 --> 00:01:21,267
<i>Au contraire,</i>
my lumpy lumberjack.</font>

27
00:01:21,334 --> 00:01:24,904
I added some power,
and this is now
a 50,000-amp</font>

28
00:01:24,971 --> 00:01:26,806
Simple circuit breaker.</font>

29
00:01:28,808 --> 00:01:32,177
Oh, al, how would you
like to connect these
last two wires?</font>

30
00:01:33,246 --> 00:01:35,581
I don't think so, tim.</font>

31
00:01:35,649 --> 00:01:39,985
How many out there would
like to see al connect
these last two wires?</font>

32
00:01:40,053 --> 00:01:43,322
(applauding)</font>

33
00:01:43,390 --> 00:01:47,393
How many out there would
like to see tim connect
these two wires?</font>

34
00:01:48,694 --> 00:01:50,262
Al: Thank you very much.</font>

35
00:01:50,797 --> 00:01:52,097
Oh, yeah?</font>

36
00:01:52,165 --> 00:01:53,265
Yeah!
Yeah!</font>

37
00:01:53,333 --> 00:01:56,134
You mean-spirited people.</font>

38
00:01:57,470 --> 00:01:59,371
I'm not going to do that.</font>

39
00:01:59,439 --> 00:02:01,373
'cause even if I did,
nothing would happen.</font>

40
00:02:01,441 --> 00:02:02,908
(exclaiming)</font>

41
00:02:04,277 --> 00:02:06,545
It's not a real
circuit breaker.</font>

42
00:02:06,613 --> 00:02:08,547
It's not even
a real  <i>tool time.</i></font>

43
00:02:08,615 --> 00:02:11,183
And that isn't heidi,
that isn't al borland.</font>

44
00:02:11,251 --> 00:02:13,385
That's debbe dunning,
the actor.</font>

45
00:02:13,453 --> 00:02:15,120
(cheering)</font>

46
00:02:17,290 --> 00:02:19,124
And this...</font>

47
00:02:19,192 --> 00:02:22,828
This is not al borland.
I'm sorry if you
thought it was.</font>

48
00:02:22,895 --> 00:02:25,598
This is richard karn.</font>

49
00:02:25,665 --> 00:02:28,801
The new host
of  <i>family feud.</i></font>

50
00:02:28,735 --> 00:02:30,736
Survey says...
Says...</font>

51
00:02:33,373 --> 00:02:36,408
We even have a disc jockey,
casey sander from
the k&b boys,</font>

52
00:02:36,476 --> 00:02:38,377
Giving us music tonight.</font>

53
00:02:40,447 --> 00:02:42,615
Always great to
be here, timmy.</font>

54
00:02:44,350 --> 00:02:45,484
It's been over
three years</font>

55
00:02:45,551 --> 00:02:47,119
Since we did
our final episode
of  <i>home improvement,</i></font>

56
00:02:47,187 --> 00:02:49,221
And I wanted to do
a retrospective,</font>

57
00:02:49,289 --> 00:02:51,257
But didn't wanna wait
20 years to do it.</font>

58
00:02:51,324 --> 00:02:55,294
I wanted to do it now,
while you guys still
remembered who I am.</font>

59
00:02:55,362 --> 00:02:58,898
I wanted to do it now,
while I still remembered
who I am.</font>

60
00:02:58,965 --> 00:03:01,166
We had such fun doing this.
So tonight,
what we're gonna do</font>

61
00:03:01,234 --> 00:03:03,902
Is put together some clips,
show you some inside stuff,</font>

62
00:03:03,970 --> 00:03:05,404
Maybe give you a few tips.</font>

63
00:03:05,472 --> 00:03:07,639
Enjoy these clips
that we think are the best.</font>

64
00:03:07,707 --> 00:03:10,609
And we created a user's guide
to  <i>home improvement.</i></font>

65
00:03:10,676 --> 00:03:13,245
So, debbe,
my user's guide, please.</font>

66
00:03:15,448 --> 00:03:16,615
Here you go, tim.</font>

67
00:03:16,683 --> 00:03:20,185
The stunning
debbe dunning.</font>

68
00:03:20,253 --> 00:03:23,755
Anyhow, this book
is chock-full
of helpful hints.</font>

69
00:03:24,724 --> 00:03:26,458
Well, like this one.</font>

70
00:03:26,526 --> 00:03:28,928
<i>Hindman: On</i> home improvement,
<i>the best conductors</i>
<i>of electricity</i></font>

71
00:03:28,995 --> 00:03:31,897
<i>Are copper and tim taylor.</i></font>

72
00:03:31,965 --> 00:03:33,598
Tim, this'll work.</font>

73
00:03:33,734 --> 00:03:35,735
You twist and pull
the broken bulb
right out of the socket.</font>

74
00:03:35,802 --> 00:03:36,869
But first,
you must...</font>

75
00:03:36,937 --> 00:03:38,504
Jam it in the light.</font>

76
00:03:45,678 --> 00:03:47,079
Unplug the lamp.</font>

77
00:03:47,147 --> 00:03:49,314
Ground. Looking for ground.</font>

78
00:03:49,382 --> 00:03:53,052
Now, red is all...</font>

79
00:03:53,120 --> 00:03:56,321
Yellow, see?
The sun is yellow,
it heats the ground,</font>

80
00:03:56,389 --> 00:03:58,290
That's how they name stuff.</font>

81
00:04:03,463 --> 00:04:05,230
Is that car running?</font>

82
00:04:08,001 --> 00:04:10,335
(tim screaming)</font>

83
00:04:12,705 --> 00:04:14,273
Shake it off.</font>

84
00:04:40,199 --> 00:04:41,833
We got our belt attached
with a rough grip.</font>

85
00:04:41,901 --> 00:04:43,868
And we wanna plug
the thing in now?</font>

86
00:04:43,936 --> 00:04:45,337
'course you wanna be sure
the trigger switch</font>

87
00:04:45,405 --> 00:04:47,006
Is not locked
in the "on" position.</font>

88
00:04:47,073 --> 00:04:48,807
Any idiot
knows that, al.</font>

89
00:04:53,613 --> 00:04:55,281
What a bonehead.</font>

90
00:04:57,184 --> 00:04:58,784
I'm just like him.</font>

91
00:04:58,851 --> 00:05:02,020
(chuckles) admit it, guys.
You are, too, you know?</font>

92
00:05:02,088 --> 00:05:04,056
We will eat anything
that's cooked over a fire</font>

93
00:05:04,123 --> 00:05:06,358
Or shoved into
an animal casing.</font>

94
00:05:08,094 --> 00:05:10,862
That's a sausage,
to you women.</font>

95
00:05:10,930 --> 00:05:15,967
We like the smell
of sweat, motor oil
and diesel fuel combined.</font>

96
00:05:16,035 --> 00:05:18,870
Yeah, if it spins,
smokes, or better yet,
catches fire and explodes,</font>

97
00:05:18,938 --> 00:05:20,472
That excites guys.</font>

98
00:05:23,342 --> 00:05:26,145
This next clip is
from what we call
the pilot episode.</font>

99
00:05:26,213 --> 00:05:30,116
You may remember it.
It went something like this.</font>

100
00:05:32,385 --> 00:05:34,720
(gasps)
what the hell is that?</font>

101
00:05:34,788 --> 00:05:36,789
That is the power source
to your new dishwasher.</font>

102
00:05:36,857 --> 00:05:38,157
Take it out.
No, no, no.</font>

103
00:05:38,224 --> 00:05:40,059
No, take it out now.
You don't like the fact</font>

104
00:05:40,126 --> 00:05:41,927
That I improved
the dishwasher?
No.</font>

105
00:05:41,995 --> 00:05:43,395
Remember that yolk
that wouldn't come off
the plate this morning?</font>

106
00:05:43,463 --> 00:05:44,830
Watch this.</font>

107
00:05:47,267 --> 00:05:48,300
(dishwasher humming)</font>

108
00:05:48,368 --> 00:05:50,202
Hear that hum?</font>

109
00:05:50,270 --> 00:05:52,938
That's a finley two-stage,
five-horse
blastmaster compressor.</font>

110
00:05:53,006 --> 00:05:55,274
Air delivery system
is 18 cubic feet
per square minute.</font>

111
00:05:55,342 --> 00:05:57,376
That should say testosterone
right on there.</font>

112
00:05:57,444 --> 00:05:58,444
'cause that...</font>

113
00:06:00,280 --> 00:06:03,015
That is a man's dishwasher.</font>

114
00:06:09,189 --> 00:06:10,656
(chuckles) yeah.</font>

115
00:06:12,359 --> 00:06:14,627
Critics didn't really
like this show that much.</font>

116
00:06:14,694 --> 00:06:16,428
As a matter of fact, I mean,
there was a bunch of critics</font>

117
00:06:16,496 --> 00:06:18,564
Who said it just won't last.
There was one newspaper,</font>

118
00:06:18,631 --> 00:06:20,532
I'm not gonna mention
<i>the new york times</i> by name,</font>

119
00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:21,967
But they...</font>

120
00:06:24,003 --> 00:06:26,271
Wow. That was really weird.</font>

121
00:06:26,373 --> 00:06:28,707
I mean, that just slipped out.
I'm sorry.</font>

122
00:06:28,775 --> 00:06:31,777
They said the show
couldn't go three episodes.</font>

123
00:06:31,845 --> 00:06:35,280
I mean, how many things
can this meathead blow up?</font>

124
00:06:37,784 --> 00:06:39,584
Don't strike
that match.</font>

125
00:07:05,445 --> 00:07:06,978
That's something else.</font>

126
00:07:21,694 --> 00:07:22,595
(phone rings)</font>

127
00:07:32,606 --> 00:07:33,839
(exclaiming)</font>

128
00:07:34,741 --> 00:07:35,574
(exclaiming)</font>

129
00:07:42,815 --> 00:07:44,116
Well,</font>

130
00:07:45,484 --> 00:07:47,219
As it turns out...</font>

131
00:07:47,287 --> 00:07:51,990
As it turns out,
he could blow up 4,100 items.</font>

132
00:07:52,058 --> 00:07:54,493
<i>Home improvement</i> wasn't
just about blowing
stuff up, folks.</font>

133
00:07:54,561 --> 00:07:57,296
The heart of it
was a relationship
between a man and a woman.</font>

134
00:07:57,363 --> 00:07:59,898
Right?
If you've got your
user's guides handy,</font>

135
00:07:59,966 --> 00:08:03,202
Turn to page 78,
under "building
a relationship."</font>

136
00:08:03,269 --> 00:08:07,172
It says, "romance doesn't
come out of the box
factory-made.</font>

137
00:08:08,141 --> 00:08:10,608
"some assembly
is required."</font>

138
00:08:13,946 --> 00:08:15,547
(I got you babe  <i>playing)</i></font>

139
00:08:15,614 --> 00:08:18,784
♪ they say we're young
and we don't know</font>

140
00:08:18,851 --> 00:08:22,921
<i>♪ won't find out</i>
<i>till we grow</i></font>

141
00:08:25,224 --> 00:08:28,060
<i>Tim: ♪ well, I don't know</i>
<i>if all that's true</i></font>

142
00:08:28,127 --> 00:08:32,430
<i>♪ 'cause you got me</i>
<i>and baby I got you</i></font>

143
00:08:32,498 --> 00:08:33,498
Good.</font>

144
00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:35,633
Both: ♪ babe</font>

145
00:08:37,570 --> 00:08:39,204
♪ I got you babe</font>

146
00:08:40,707 --> 00:08:42,340
<i>♪ I got you babe ♪</i></font>

147
00:08:48,715 --> 00:08:50,481
I love you
very, very much.</font>

148
00:08:50,549 --> 00:08:53,585
These are the best
15 years I've ever had.</font>

149
00:08:55,155 --> 00:08:57,056
(exclaiming in disgust)</font>

150
00:09:00,426 --> 00:09:02,394
Put a lid on it.</font>

151
00:09:02,462 --> 00:09:07,666
You know, sometimes
I just forget what an
amazing hunk of man you are.</font>

152
00:09:07,734 --> 00:09:08,734
Whoa.</font>

153
00:09:10,703 --> 00:09:13,038
Well, I'd love to
stick around and give you
a little reminder,</font>

154
00:09:13,105 --> 00:09:15,641
But the boys need me.</font>

155
00:09:15,708 --> 00:09:16,875
I need you.</font>

156
00:09:16,943 --> 00:09:18,209
(horn honking)</font>

157
00:09:18,011 --> 00:09:19,278
(grunts)</font>

158
00:09:19,345 --> 00:09:21,980
Demolition derby...
Sexy wife.</font>

159
00:09:23,649 --> 00:09:25,750
Demolition derby...
Ooh. Sexy wife.</font>

160
00:09:28,020 --> 00:09:29,955
Could you hold that thought
till about 10:00 tonight?</font>

161
00:09:30,022 --> 00:09:32,124
Wait a minute.
This thought here?</font>

162
00:09:32,192 --> 00:09:33,858
Mmm-mmm.</font>

163
00:09:36,395 --> 00:09:37,462
(chuckling)</font>

164
00:09:37,530 --> 00:09:39,698
That would be the one.</font>

165
00:09:42,402 --> 00:09:45,304
Hurry back, mister.</font>

166
00:09:45,371 --> 00:09:47,739
Every time I see two heaps
slamming into one
another tonight,</font>

167
00:09:47,807 --> 00:09:49,808
I'll be thinking about us.</font>

168
00:09:52,311 --> 00:09:54,412
<i>(upbeat music playing)</i></font>

169
00:09:56,616 --> 00:09:58,516
What is this?</font>

170
00:10:06,158 --> 00:10:07,859
(jill laughing)</font>

171
00:10:11,731 --> 00:10:14,700
Are you gonna still
find me desirable?</font>

172
00:10:14,767 --> 00:10:18,937
I didn't marry you
because of your
uterus or your ovaries,</font>

173
00:10:19,005 --> 00:10:21,539
I married you
because of what's inside.</font>

174
00:10:25,945 --> 00:10:28,313
If you think
you can keep up,
please join in.</font>

175
00:10:28,381 --> 00:10:29,515
All right.</font>

176
00:10:31,651 --> 00:10:33,051
(giggling)</font>

177
00:10:36,122 --> 00:10:37,189
Hmm.</font>

178
00:10:37,257 --> 00:10:38,723
(grunts)</font>

179
00:10:49,369 --> 00:10:51,136
Hmm...</font>

180
00:10:51,203 --> 00:10:54,440
Looks like somebody's ready
to come over to daddy.</font>

181
00:10:56,375 --> 00:10:58,176
It's just you and me.</font>

182
00:10:58,244 --> 00:11:00,512
Got any ideas about
what we could be doing?</font>

183
00:11:00,580 --> 00:11:02,180
I'm getting one.</font>

184
00:11:05,552 --> 00:11:08,787
Mark: Mommy and daddy
sitting in the tree,</font>

185
00:11:08,854 --> 00:11:11,990
K-I-s-s-I-n-g.</font>

186
00:11:12,058 --> 00:11:14,826
Randy: We're in the tree,
stupid.</font>

187
00:11:17,296 --> 00:11:19,030
(whistles)</font>

188
00:11:19,098 --> 00:11:21,867
Are you looking good.
Let me get out of
these cruddy clothes.</font>

189
00:11:21,934 --> 00:11:23,668
Don't take too long.</font>

190
00:11:23,736 --> 00:11:26,004
I won't.</font>

191
00:11:26,071 --> 00:11:28,406
What a great night
with the boys, though.</font>

192
00:11:28,474 --> 00:11:30,208
Lot of good food. Oh.</font>

193
00:11:31,944 --> 00:11:33,512
(sighing)</font>

194
00:11:35,515 --> 00:11:39,117
I got some
double-cheese nachos
sitting right here.</font>

195
00:11:40,252 --> 00:11:41,853
(burping) oh.</font>

196
00:11:44,590 --> 00:11:45,824
Tim.</font>

197
00:11:45,892 --> 00:11:47,358
Little gas bubble.
Moving, moving...</font>

198
00:11:47,426 --> 00:11:48,426
(burps)</font>

199
00:11:52,298 --> 00:11:54,232
This is real attractive.</font>

200
00:11:56,503 --> 00:11:59,504
So where were we?</font>

201
00:12:03,977 --> 00:12:07,312
It's kind of hard
to remember.</font>

202
00:12:07,380 --> 00:12:09,447
This will refresh
your memory.</font>

203
00:12:10,149 --> 00:12:11,383
(burps)</font>

204
00:12:16,389 --> 00:12:17,589
Sorry.</font>

205
00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:25,197
Sorry. I'm sorry.
Mark was right. Ugh.</font>

206
00:12:25,264 --> 00:12:27,899
You shouldn't have
double onions on
those chili dogs.</font>

207
00:12:30,069 --> 00:12:31,303
Hello.</font>

208
00:12:38,711 --> 00:12:41,313
♪ then put your
little hand in mine</font>

209
00:12:41,381 --> 00:12:44,816
♪ there ain't no mountain
or hill we can't...</font>

210
00:12:47,053 --> 00:12:48,119
♪ babe</font>

211
00:12:49,922 --> 00:12:51,790
<i>♪ I got you babe</i></font>

212
00:12:53,259 --> 00:12:54,826
<i>♪ I got you babe ♪</i></font>

213
00:12:58,063 --> 00:12:59,298
(music stops)</font>

214
00:13:06,172 --> 00:13:11,776
The minimag 100 is perfect
for picking up
screws and nails.</font>

215
00:13:11,844 --> 00:13:14,312
It can also pick up
small tools that have
carelessly been dropped</font>

216
00:13:14,379 --> 00:13:17,248
Behind the workbench,
perhaps the fault of
a co-worker.</font>

217
00:13:20,987 --> 00:13:24,389
And the minimag 2000.</font>

218
00:13:24,457 --> 00:13:28,827
Small, but powerful.
10 pounds will
pick up 400 pounds.</font>

219
00:13:28,895 --> 00:13:31,230
This would suck the tin man
right through a keyhole.</font>

220
00:13:32,765 --> 00:13:35,100
Well, it was designed
to pick up sheet metal,</font>

221
00:13:35,167 --> 00:13:37,869
So you wanna keep
it pointed to... Tim.</font>

222
00:13:40,606 --> 00:13:44,042
No, no, just slide it
straight down!</font>

223
00:13:47,313 --> 00:13:48,313
Tim.</font>

224
00:13:52,351 --> 00:13:54,886
Pretty powerful
little thing, isn't it?</font>

225
00:14:00,559 --> 00:14:02,627
Marv, hold it back. Marv!</font>

226
00:14:09,668 --> 00:14:10,835
I just love this set.
Yeah.</font>

227
00:14:10,904 --> 00:14:12,504
There's so many
memories on this set.</font>

228
00:14:12,571 --> 00:14:15,673
Mario andretti
stood right here
and gave us a bunch of grief.</font>

229
00:14:15,741 --> 00:14:17,242
And then,
one of the astronauts,</font>

230
00:14:17,310 --> 00:14:18,743
Ken bowersocks,
and all his team</font>

231
00:14:18,811 --> 00:14:20,245
Were standing right there.
Remember that?</font>

232
00:14:20,313 --> 00:14:21,380
Yeah.</font>

233
00:14:21,447 --> 00:14:25,017
And then you
insulted my mother,
right there.</font>

234
00:14:25,084 --> 00:14:28,686
And then you
insulted my mother
over there.</font>

235
00:14:28,754 --> 00:14:31,924
'course, you insulted
my mother back there, too.</font>

236
00:14:31,991 --> 00:14:33,892
Just about everywhere,
you insulted my mother.</font>

237
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:36,028
Richard, richard, richard.
Hold on a second.</font>

238
00:14:36,095 --> 00:14:39,731
Focus on me right now.
It was a television show.</font>

239
00:14:40,934 --> 00:14:43,368
Wasn't your real mother.</font>

240
00:14:44,303 --> 00:14:46,404
I loved my pretend mother.</font>

241
00:14:48,173 --> 00:14:51,175
Let's all pretend
that he didn't say that.</font>

242
00:14:52,578 --> 00:14:53,878
Let's pretend to move on.</font>

243
00:14:53,946 --> 00:14:55,646
Okay, I understand,
I understand.</font>

244
00:14:55,714 --> 00:14:57,916
Let's just watch a clip
of the  <i>tool</i> girls, shall we?</font>

245
00:14:57,984 --> 00:14:59,784
Man: Yeah.
Woman: Yeah.</font>

246
00:14:59,852 --> 00:15:01,453
Does everybody know
what time it is?</font>

247
00:15:01,521 --> 00:15:03,155
Does everybody know
what time it is?</font>

248
00:15:03,222 --> 00:15:04,856
<i>Tool time!</i>
<i>Tool time!</i></font>

249
00:15:04,824 --> 00:15:07,191
That's right!
Binford tools is
proud to present</font>

250
00:15:07,259 --> 00:15:09,394
Tim "the tool man" taylor!</font>

251
00:15:09,461 --> 00:15:10,662
Tim "the tool man"...</font>

252
00:15:10,729 --> 00:15:12,731
Tim "the tool man" taylor!</font>

253
00:15:31,317 --> 00:15:32,584
Nice dress, deb.</font>

254
00:15:32,652 --> 00:15:34,086
Thank you.</font>

255
00:15:34,153 --> 00:15:35,186
Do you remember
the first time
I wore this?</font>

256
00:15:35,421 --> 00:15:38,223
(stuttering) yeah, at that
hardware convention.</font>

257
00:15:38,290 --> 00:15:40,091
No.
No, that was al.</font>

258
00:15:42,828 --> 00:15:45,897
Here's a little bit of trivia.
The first time I appeared
on  <i>home improvement,</i></font>

259
00:15:45,965 --> 00:15:48,100
I was not
the  <i>tool time</i> girl.</font>

260
00:15:48,167 --> 00:15:51,536
And it went
something like this.
Something like this.</font>

261
00:15:52,505 --> 00:15:55,239
Whoa, baby, bad news.</font>

262
00:15:59,378 --> 00:16:03,181
This is not the night
for you to give up
looking at women.</font>

263
00:16:05,184 --> 00:16:07,852
Uh-huh. Oh,
why is that, jill?</font>

264
00:16:07,920 --> 00:16:11,323
Because an unbelievable
young goddess just came in</font>

265
00:16:11,390 --> 00:16:13,291
And sat right behind you.
Yeah, right.</font>

266
00:16:13,359 --> 00:16:14,926
Yes.
I'm gonna
fall into that one.</font>

267
00:16:14,993 --> 00:16:16,728
What, a 74-year-old
steelworker?</font>

268
00:16:16,796 --> 00:16:19,096
(gruffly) "hey, marge,
they got no beer here."</font>

269
00:16:19,165 --> 00:16:21,566
Not exactly, tim.
Oh, yeah,
she's the va-va-voom type?</font>

270
00:16:21,634 --> 00:16:23,435
Well, as a matter of fact,</font>

271
00:16:23,502 --> 00:16:27,638
She has great va-vas
and a darned good voom.</font>

272
00:16:27,706 --> 00:16:29,474
All right with me,
because you're
looking pretty good</font>

273
00:16:29,541 --> 00:16:32,177
Since you took
a couple of pounds
off your voom.</font>

274
00:16:32,245 --> 00:16:35,546
(chuckles) well,
thank you so much.
Now, if you'll excuse me,</font>

275
00:16:35,614 --> 00:16:38,950
I'm going to take my voom
to the ladies' room.</font>

276
00:16:39,018 --> 00:16:41,720
I'll be looking
at my menu
and nothing else.</font>

277
00:16:41,788 --> 00:16:45,290
Oh, man. Off to the right,
three o'clock. Unbelievable!</font>

278
00:17:09,215 --> 00:17:10,915
Hey, it is you.</font>

279
00:17:10,983 --> 00:17:14,785
Tim "the tool man" taylor?
I never miss your show.</font>

280
00:17:14,854 --> 00:17:18,022
Oh, you have me confused
with that handsome
guy on  <i>tool time.</i></font>

281
00:17:18,090 --> 00:17:20,959
Don't be modest.
Could I get
your autograph?</font>

282
00:17:21,026 --> 00:17:23,161
Yeah, quick.
Why don't you just
slide it right under here,</font>

283
00:17:23,229 --> 00:17:24,963
Under my head here? Okay.</font>

284
00:17:25,030 --> 00:17:26,731
Could you make
it out to kiki?</font>

285
00:17:26,798 --> 00:17:28,099
Kiki.</font>

286
00:17:28,633 --> 00:17:29,901
K-I...</font>

287
00:17:29,969 --> 00:17:31,202
Oh...</font>

288
00:17:32,872 --> 00:17:36,007
Okay, kikster,
here you go.</font>

289
00:17:36,075 --> 00:17:38,176
Hmm. Could you put my
last name, too?</font>

290
00:17:38,244 --> 00:17:39,710
Ah, you know,
my wife is due back.</font>

291
00:17:39,778 --> 00:17:42,614
She's coming out...
Kiki van
fursterwallenscheinlaw.</font>

292
00:17:48,287 --> 00:17:49,821
What?
F-u-r</font>

293
00:17:49,888 --> 00:17:51,723
S-t-e-r-w-a-l-l.
Uh-huh.</font>

294
00:17:51,791 --> 00:17:53,525
I'm getting
a hand cramp. Hold on.</font>

295
00:17:53,592 --> 00:17:57,895
E-n-s-c-h-e-I-n-l-a-w.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.</font>

296
00:17:57,963 --> 00:18:01,266
L-a-w. Good thing it
didn't run out of ink.</font>

297
00:18:01,333 --> 00:18:02,867
(giggles)</font>

298
00:18:02,935 --> 00:18:04,869
Now can you grunt for me?</font>

299
00:18:04,937 --> 00:18:06,871
Well, you know,
my wife is coming
back and I just...</font>

300
00:18:06,939 --> 00:18:08,139
Hello, honey.</font>

301
00:18:08,207 --> 00:18:10,242
(choking)
jill: Excuse me.</font>

302
00:18:13,346 --> 00:18:15,046
(grunting)</font>

303
00:18:18,016 --> 00:18:20,117
(all grunting)</font>

304
00:18:23,221 --> 00:18:25,222
What are you doing?</font>

305
00:18:26,392 --> 00:18:27,992
Are you choking?</font>

306
00:18:41,373 --> 00:18:44,442
The reason men check out
women isn't because
we lust after them.</font>

307
00:18:44,509 --> 00:18:48,079
We look because it
reminds us of how much better
we have it at home.</font>

308
00:18:48,147 --> 00:18:49,347
Right, men?</font>

309
00:18:49,414 --> 00:18:50,648
(men cheering)</font>

310
00:18:50,716 --> 00:18:52,316
Are they lying, women?</font>

311
00:18:52,384 --> 00:18:53,585
Yes!
Yes!</font>

312
00:18:53,652 --> 00:18:56,187
We have a disagreement.</font>

313
00:18:56,255 --> 00:18:59,491
That's because
men and women
are different, duh,</font>

314
00:18:59,558 --> 00:19:03,294
Much like
a dry-cell battery.</font>

315
00:19:03,362 --> 00:19:05,062
The positive side
is free-flowing,</font>

316
00:19:05,131 --> 00:19:07,232
Full of energy,
giving life everywhere,</font>

317
00:19:07,299 --> 00:19:10,401
But the negative side
just sucks all the energy
out of every situation.</font>

318
00:19:10,469 --> 00:19:11,669
Negative, negative, negative.</font>

319
00:19:11,737 --> 00:19:13,538
You never do any
work around here.</font>

320
00:19:13,606 --> 00:19:15,673
You're always
leaving the seat up.</font>

321
00:19:17,877 --> 00:19:20,077
Well, you decide
which end is which.</font>

322
00:19:22,481 --> 00:19:24,615
Why don't we watch
another clip?</font>

323
00:19:24,683 --> 00:19:26,617
Tim, I don't wanna
be a nagging wife.</font>

324
00:19:26,685 --> 00:19:29,387
Then how will
I recognize you?</font>

325
00:19:29,455 --> 00:19:31,922
Got to be something in here
you can get rid of.</font>

326
00:19:31,990 --> 00:19:36,694
Yeah,
but I stayed married to it
because of the kids.</font>

327
00:19:36,762 --> 00:19:38,463
Why do you always bug me
during the football game?</font>

328
00:19:38,531 --> 00:19:41,866
Did I bug you
during childbirth?</font>

329
00:19:41,934 --> 00:19:45,737
No, but you bugged me
during conception.</font>

330
00:19:45,804 --> 00:19:47,372
You never told me
about a job interview.</font>

331
00:19:47,439 --> 00:19:48,907
Tim, do you
ever listen to me?</font>

332
00:19:48,974 --> 00:19:51,142
It was the last thing
that I said in bed
to you last night.</font>

333
00:19:51,209 --> 00:19:53,545
No, I believe, if you recall,
the last thing you said to me</font>

334
00:19:53,612 --> 00:19:54,946
In bed last night was,</font>

335
00:19:55,014 --> 00:19:56,014
"no!"</font>

336
00:20:02,955 --> 00:20:04,989
You're thinking
of tonight.</font>

337
00:20:10,362 --> 00:20:12,564
If your husband
was something you
find in the kitchen,</font>

338
00:20:12,631 --> 00:20:16,000
What would he be?
Oh, that's deep.
Yeah, that's deep.</font>

339
00:20:16,067 --> 00:20:18,669
I think you'll find this
very insightful, tim.</font>

340
00:20:18,737 --> 00:20:21,939
"a," an oven, warm
and self-cleaning. Not me.</font>

341
00:20:22,007 --> 00:20:27,078
"b," garbage disposal,
grating and eats anything.</font>

342
00:20:27,145 --> 00:20:30,448
"c," a refrigerator.
Very cold and the light's
never on.</font>

343
00:20:33,952 --> 00:20:35,987
These are stupid.</font>

344
00:20:36,055 --> 00:20:37,488
Well, come on.</font>

345
00:20:37,556 --> 00:20:38,422
You haven't read
the one that
I picked for you.</font>

346
00:20:38,490 --> 00:20:39,957
Read "d."</font>

347
00:20:40,025 --> 00:20:42,193
"d," a tea kettle.</font>

348
00:20:42,261 --> 00:20:44,929
Hot and steamy,
done in two minutes.</font>

349
00:20:50,235 --> 00:20:54,339
Do I ever wish
that I married
somebody else?</font>

350
00:20:56,842 --> 00:20:59,143
Why would I wanna
marry anybody else?</font>

351
00:21:00,679 --> 00:21:04,181
You're funny.
You're sexy.</font>

352
00:21:04,250 --> 00:21:08,553
Creative, you take chances
and you're definitely
not afraid to be wrong.</font>

353
00:21:14,793 --> 00:21:17,095
I'm perfectly happy
being married to
a man who thinks</font>

354
00:21:17,162 --> 00:21:20,365
That pbs is something
that women get once a month.</font>

355
00:21:25,437 --> 00:21:27,071
Quit that.</font>

356
00:21:27,139 --> 00:21:30,408
No, really, stick your nose
right there and tell me
I don't smell like a man.</font>

357
00:21:30,476 --> 00:21:32,243
(chuckles) yeah,
cro-magnon man.</font>

358
00:21:32,311 --> 00:21:33,844
(grunting)</font>

359
00:21:33,912 --> 00:21:36,847
I believe he was
never fully erect, either.</font>

360
00:21:37,415 --> 00:21:39,384
(grunting)</font>

361
00:21:39,452 --> 00:21:41,886
We never actually
said that we weren't
gonna have another baby.</font>

362
00:21:41,954 --> 00:21:44,622
I've said it.
I've talked about it.
I know I've talked about it.</font>

363
00:21:44,690 --> 00:21:46,557
I mentioned it on  <i>tool time.</i></font>

364
00:21:46,625 --> 00:21:48,993
Oh, great.
So 11 people
know about it?</font>

365
00:21:50,963 --> 00:21:53,598
Remember babies at all?
Dirty diapers.</font>

366
00:21:53,665 --> 00:21:57,135
Colic, 2:00 am feedings,
3:00 am feedings!</font>

367
00:21:57,203 --> 00:21:59,270
I don't have the energy
for that anymore.</font>

368
00:21:59,338 --> 00:22:00,705
You don't have
the energy to say,</font>

369
00:22:00,772 --> 00:22:02,873
"wake up, jill,
the baby wants you"?</font>

370
00:22:08,247 --> 00:22:10,048
I just read this survey,</font>

371
00:22:10,115 --> 00:22:12,884
And it said
that some couples,
no matter how busy they are,</font>

372
00:22:12,951 --> 00:22:16,053
Still make love
five times a week.</font>

373
00:22:16,121 --> 00:22:17,555
With each other?</font>

374
00:22:19,625 --> 00:22:20,758
Yeah.</font>

375
00:22:24,162 --> 00:22:25,162
Hi.</font>

376
00:22:26,598 --> 00:22:28,365
Hi.</font>

377
00:22:28,434 --> 00:22:29,834
Come down here,
I want to show you
something.</font>

378
00:22:29,902 --> 00:22:30,968
What?</font>

379
00:22:31,036 --> 00:22:32,369
Come here.</font>

380
00:22:36,341 --> 00:22:37,909
I made a scale model</font>

381
00:22:37,976 --> 00:22:41,045
Of the office
I'll build you when
you become a psychologist.</font>

382
00:22:41,112 --> 00:22:44,381
Here's your desk,
here's your chair
and here's your nut.</font>

383
00:22:53,092 --> 00:22:54,325
Where am I?</font>

384
00:22:54,393 --> 00:22:55,693
Seated at the desk.</font>

385
00:22:56,228 --> 00:22:58,196
And why did
you do this?</font>

386
00:22:58,263 --> 00:22:59,697
I thought it would
cheer you up,</font>

387
00:22:59,765 --> 00:23:00,898
Because I think
you might have the blues</font>

388
00:23:00,966 --> 00:23:02,867
And maybe we
should talk about it.</font>

389
00:23:02,935 --> 00:23:04,435
So you're saying
you wanna talk.</font>

390
00:23:04,503 --> 00:23:05,770
Why do you think
I'm laying down?</font>

391
00:23:09,408 --> 00:23:12,277
You know, the other day,
when you asked me
what I was feeling,</font>

392
00:23:12,344 --> 00:23:15,446
I told you,
and you jumped
down my throat.</font>

393
00:23:19,985 --> 00:23:22,687
You're right.
It wasn't fair.</font>

394
00:23:22,754 --> 00:23:25,190
If I'm going to
ask for your feelings,</font>

395
00:23:25,257 --> 00:23:28,526
Then I should be
able to accept them,
no matter what they are.</font>

396
00:23:28,593 --> 00:23:31,296
And not hit me
on the head with
a croquet ball.</font>

397
00:23:33,833 --> 00:23:34,999
Sorry about that.</font>

398
00:23:35,067 --> 00:23:36,067
(kisses)</font>

399
00:23:38,237 --> 00:23:40,705
Not sure you should
kiss your patients
on that part of the peanut.</font>

400
00:23:52,518 --> 00:23:53,617
Absolutely free!</font>

401
00:23:53,685 --> 00:23:55,253
Oh, did you say free?</font>

402
00:23:57,089 --> 00:24:00,058
"no, it's me,
I'm spartacus."
"I am spartacus."</font>

403
00:24:00,125 --> 00:24:03,962
(lisping) "no, it's me.
I'm spartacus. Really,
I'm spartacus. Ask anybody."</font>

404
00:24:06,799 --> 00:24:07,832
Clap.</font>

405
00:24:07,899 --> 00:24:08,899
Uh...</font>

406
00:24:10,636 --> 00:24:11,802
(humming)</font>

407
00:24:15,274 --> 00:24:16,441
Yes!</font>

408
00:24:21,413 --> 00:24:23,448
And now,
you just...</font>

409
00:24:33,825 --> 00:24:37,095
I am a sick,
sick man.</font>

410
00:24:43,502 --> 00:24:45,603
In the eight years
I did the show,</font>

411
00:24:45,670 --> 00:24:48,672
There was only two times,
seriously, that I was
ever scared.</font>

412
00:24:48,740 --> 00:24:50,241
And the first time...</font>

413
00:24:50,309 --> 00:24:52,443
Well, I'm going to tell you,
I have a telestrator,</font>

414
00:24:52,511 --> 00:24:54,278
One of those things
that madden used.
So you gotta watch,</font>

415
00:24:54,346 --> 00:24:56,347
Because this
could be kind of fun
to use. I've never done this.</font>

416
00:24:56,415 --> 00:24:58,682
The first time
that I was scared
on  <i>home improvement</i></font>

417
00:24:58,750 --> 00:25:01,352
In these eight years
went something like this.</font>

418
00:25:01,420 --> 00:25:02,820
Watch carefully.</font>

419
00:25:02,888 --> 00:25:04,355
I never knew
how to drive this.</font>

420
00:25:06,758 --> 00:25:08,626
Watch the front wheels.</font>

421
00:25:09,494 --> 00:25:11,529
Right here.
Not good!</font>

422
00:25:12,531 --> 00:25:13,798
No, no.</font>

423
00:25:15,434 --> 00:25:16,900
Stop it.
Stop, stop.</font>

424
00:25:19,804 --> 00:25:21,539
All right.</font>

425
00:25:21,606 --> 00:25:25,709
They didn't even ask me
if I had ever driven
one of these things before.</font>

426
00:25:25,777 --> 00:25:29,047
Let me point out a few
john madden-type things.</font>

427
00:25:29,114 --> 00:25:31,449
These are the distances
you should be very aware of.</font>

428
00:25:31,517 --> 00:25:33,817
Here and here.</font>

429
00:25:33,885 --> 00:25:36,087
Right there.
See that?</font>

430
00:25:36,155 --> 00:25:38,923
See that little
distance here?</font>

431
00:25:38,990 --> 00:25:41,792
That's how far
the wheel is off
the ground.</font>

432
00:25:42,661 --> 00:25:44,262
That's a no-no.</font>

433
00:25:45,397 --> 00:25:47,698
See this, here?
That's the bucket.</font>

434
00:25:47,766 --> 00:25:52,070
Up here,
above my head.
Another no-no.</font>

435
00:25:52,137 --> 00:25:56,707
But the real
telling part of this scared,
a butt-clenching scared...</font>

436
00:25:59,411 --> 00:26:02,746
Right there are
the two joysticks
that control the vehicle.</font>

437
00:26:04,549 --> 00:26:06,384
(laughing)</font>

438
00:26:06,451 --> 00:26:09,353
And here...</font>

439
00:26:13,292 --> 00:26:17,895
Yup, those are my hands.</font>

440
00:26:17,963 --> 00:26:23,467
And that is a man
driving a car like this.</font>

441
00:26:23,535 --> 00:26:25,402
(screaming)</font>

442
00:26:29,141 --> 00:26:30,407
All right.</font>

443
00:26:32,344 --> 00:26:34,612
Too funny. Now,</font>

444
00:26:34,680 --> 00:26:38,148
The second-scariest moment
is this next clip,</font>

445
00:26:38,217 --> 00:26:42,286
Where it's more of
an emotional scary.
It really was scary for me.</font>

446
00:26:42,354 --> 00:26:45,089
We had had a romantic evening
in the script planned,</font>

447
00:26:45,156 --> 00:26:48,058
And she didn't
tell me, right, case?</font>

448
00:26:48,126 --> 00:26:51,428
Yeah, I remember that.
That was the night
you came down to the bar</font>

449
00:26:51,496 --> 00:26:54,064
With me and the fellows
after work and had
a couple drinks.</font>

450
00:26:54,132 --> 00:26:56,467
Right. But when
I got home...</font>

451
00:26:56,534 --> 00:27:01,438
Well, it went
something like this.
<i>Something like this.</i></font>

452
00:27:01,506 --> 00:27:05,109
I spent two days
planning this evening.</font>

453
00:27:05,176 --> 00:27:07,277
Do you have any idea
how long it's been</font>

454
00:27:07,345 --> 00:27:10,714
Since we had a quiet,
romantic evening together?</font>

455
00:27:10,749 --> 00:27:12,316
I was on the phone.
Why didn't you say,
"come home"?</font>

456
00:27:12,384 --> 00:27:14,318
I wanted to surprise you.</font>

457
00:27:14,386 --> 00:27:15,953
Well, I'm surprised.</font>

458
00:27:17,389 --> 00:27:18,856
Come on, jill,
lighten up.</font>

459
00:27:18,924 --> 00:27:20,991
I didn't understand
what you meant on the phone.</font>

460
00:27:21,059 --> 00:27:22,960
Well, what did you think
I meant when I said
all that stuff about</font>

461
00:27:23,028 --> 00:27:27,298
How I was looking forward
to seeing you and,
"I'll be waiting"?</font>

462
00:27:27,332 --> 00:27:31,068
Oh, like you said it
like that, "I'll be waiting."</font>

463
00:27:31,136 --> 00:27:34,439
Well, I wanted to
be more subtle.
What did you want me to say?</font>

464
00:27:34,506 --> 00:27:38,208
"the kids are gone,
I'm home alone,
come and take me, big daddy"?</font>

465
00:27:40,879 --> 00:27:42,546
Well, that,
I understand.</font>

466
00:27:47,285 --> 00:27:49,019
Good night.
Come on, jill.</font>

467
00:27:49,087 --> 00:27:51,755
I don't go out with
these guys every night.
What's making you so angry?</font>

468
00:27:51,823 --> 00:27:54,491
I am angry because you said
you were going to be home
in 15 minutes</font>

469
00:27:54,559 --> 00:27:56,327
And then you weren't.</font>

470
00:27:56,394 --> 00:27:58,896
Because I'm flirting with you
like crazy on the phone,
you didn't even notice.</font>

471
00:27:58,963 --> 00:28:02,366
And most of all, because
I went to all this
trouble for nothing.</font>

472
00:28:02,434 --> 00:28:04,168
I spent the whole
evening by myself,</font>

473
00:28:04,236 --> 00:28:06,803
And now you're stuck
with a plate of cold food.</font>

474
00:28:06,871 --> 00:28:09,706
Oh, don't worry about me,
I ate at the bar.</font>

475
00:28:12,544 --> 00:28:15,646
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I didn't have dessert.</font>

476
00:28:16,781 --> 00:28:19,316
All right, stop it here.
All right.</font>

477
00:28:19,384 --> 00:28:22,052
Roll it back here.
Stop, stop, stop.
All right, now, right here,</font>

478
00:28:22,120 --> 00:28:24,388
She had just said that
and I actually jolted out
of...</font>

479
00:28:24,455 --> 00:28:25,822
I was in, like, a trance.</font>

480
00:28:25,891 --> 00:28:27,892
And see this face here?</font>

481
00:28:27,959 --> 00:28:32,263
That just says, "fear."</font>

482
00:28:32,330 --> 00:28:34,565
It wasn't
supposed to be that way.
It was supposed to be just...</font>

483
00:28:34,633 --> 00:28:37,668
The dialog... I knew she was
going to get angry.
She got so angry with me,</font>

484
00:28:37,736 --> 00:28:41,238
I came out of character
and stopped the show to go,</font>

485
00:28:41,306 --> 00:28:44,475
"jeez, pat,
are you all right?"</font>

486
00:28:46,344 --> 00:28:49,146
She walks up to me,
gets about an inch
in front of my face, she goes,</font>

487
00:28:49,214 --> 00:28:51,883
"yes, tim.
That's called 'acting.'"</font>

488
00:28:55,988 --> 00:28:57,688
Oh.</font>

489
00:29:04,429 --> 00:29:06,631
Oh.</font>

490
00:29:06,698 --> 00:29:09,466
I sat there, going,
"I'm going to
have to try that."</font>

491
00:29:12,704 --> 00:29:15,472
If you parked a brand-new car
under a tree filled
with hungry pigeons,</font>

492
00:29:15,540 --> 00:29:18,108
You know,
I'll call triple-a...</font>

493
00:29:18,176 --> 00:29:19,977
(laughing)</font>

494
00:29:21,446 --> 00:29:23,581
Even if you park
a new car under...</font>

495
00:29:25,884 --> 00:29:28,852
Even if you do
something as crazy as
park a new car under a tree,</font>

496
00:29:28,920 --> 00:29:30,588
Filled with just-fed...</font>

497
00:29:32,690 --> 00:29:34,191
Even if you do
something as crazy</font>

498
00:29:34,259 --> 00:29:37,795
As parking your car
under a tree filled
with birds, I am not...</font>

499
00:29:40,832 --> 00:29:42,499
This is jammed
or something, al.</font>

500
00:29:48,573 --> 00:29:52,243
I'll just climb
up there and show you
how sturdy this is.</font>

501
00:29:52,310 --> 00:29:55,012
The binford
telescopic ladder.
Just as supportive as...</font>

502
00:29:55,080 --> 00:29:56,680
Tim, you might
wanna watch the...</font>

503
00:29:56,748 --> 00:29:58,048
Could I finish here, al?</font>

504
00:29:58,116 --> 00:29:59,750
I just want you
to be careful,
so you don't...</font>

505
00:29:59,818 --> 00:30:01,686
(screaming)</font>

506
00:30:09,961 --> 00:30:11,462
Thank you all. Look.</font>

507
00:30:14,265 --> 00:30:17,000
This is it.</font>

508
00:30:17,068 --> 00:30:20,137
This is the garage.
This is the home
of the automobile.</font>

509
00:30:20,205 --> 00:30:22,873
It's the piston palace.
And the carburetor castle.</font>

510
00:30:22,941 --> 00:30:26,844
It's that muffler mansion.
The transmission taj mahal.</font>

511
00:30:26,911 --> 00:30:30,481
Casey, give me
some road-rage rock!</font>

512
00:30:30,549 --> 00:30:32,316
You got it, timmy.</font>

513
00:30:32,284 --> 00:30:34,218
<i>(upbeat music playing)</i></font>

514
00:30:43,295 --> 00:30:45,563
(mimicking engine)</font>

515
00:30:55,073 --> 00:30:56,507
I'm addicted to cars.</font>

516
00:30:56,574 --> 00:30:58,175
Well, duh.</font>

517
00:30:58,243 --> 00:31:01,812
I've been thinking
of checking into
the henry ford clinic.</font>

518
00:31:08,053 --> 00:31:10,554
This is the greatest gift
you've ever given me.</font>

519
00:31:10,622 --> 00:31:12,790
I gave you
three children.</font>

520
00:31:12,857 --> 00:31:15,693
Yeah, but none of them
came out this clean.</font>

521
00:31:20,131 --> 00:31:24,568
On  <i>home improvement,</i>
<i>I was a father to three boys.</i></font>

522
00:31:24,636 --> 00:31:27,304
Of course,
I wasn't their real father.</font>

523
00:31:29,941 --> 00:31:32,176
No, no, no, no, of course
I wasn't their real father.</font>

524
00:31:32,244 --> 00:31:33,677
I was really
more like a mentor,</font>

525
00:31:33,745 --> 00:31:37,848
You know,
an older brother, maybe.</font>

526
00:31:37,915 --> 00:31:41,018
Well, a twisted,
demented older brother,</font>

527
00:31:42,887 --> 00:31:45,389
Who taught them
about family values.</font>

528
00:31:45,457 --> 00:31:49,527
No, no. Dad,
it smells under here!</font>

529
00:31:51,429 --> 00:31:52,896
(screaming)</font>

530
00:31:52,964 --> 00:31:54,999
There's a snake
behind you.</font>

531
00:31:55,100 --> 00:31:56,767
Oh, I bet there is!</font>

532
00:31:59,270 --> 00:32:02,306
Dad, we're not joking.
It's moving towards you.</font>

533
00:32:02,374 --> 00:32:05,742
Why don't I just open
my shirt and let him
crawl right in, huh?</font>

534
00:32:09,180 --> 00:32:11,148
Tim, the snake
wasn't in the bag.</font>

535
00:32:12,918 --> 00:32:15,519
Because the snake
is in my shirt!</font>

536
00:32:17,188 --> 00:32:18,856
I have a woman. Mommy.</font>

537
00:32:18,957 --> 00:32:21,659
Your mommy can't be
your woman, doofus.</font>

538
00:32:21,726 --> 00:32:25,195
A lot of men pay
a psychiatrist a lot of money
to figure that one out.</font>

539
00:32:26,765 --> 00:32:27,864
Mom!
What?</font>

540
00:32:27,932 --> 00:32:29,033
Dad's cussing.
I'm not cussing.</font>

541
00:32:29,101 --> 00:32:30,834
He said a bad word.
It wasn't bad.</font>

542
00:32:30,902 --> 00:32:32,703
Yeah, he said
"hell" and "damn."</font>

543
00:32:32,771 --> 00:32:34,505
I did not say "damn."</font>

544
00:32:34,572 --> 00:32:35,740
Now you did.</font>

545
00:32:37,609 --> 00:32:39,676
It's not that big a deal.
I mean, I've had
detention before.</font>

546
00:32:39,744 --> 00:32:41,945
It's the first day
of school!</font>

547
00:32:44,582 --> 00:32:48,152
No one ever gets detention
on the first day of school.</font>

548
00:32:48,219 --> 00:32:49,587
I wouldn't say "no one."</font>

549
00:32:51,656 --> 00:32:53,724
Oh, it's gonna take
a minute to boot up,</font>

550
00:32:53,791 --> 00:32:56,226
I still have that
old 286 chip on it.</font>

551
00:32:56,294 --> 00:32:58,261
You know,
not much power.</font>

552
00:33:02,400 --> 00:33:04,501
Are you saying
this thing needs
more power?</font>

553
00:33:05,736 --> 00:33:08,372
Let me open it up.
I can make this
thing go faster.</font>

554
00:33:09,974 --> 00:33:11,409
Well, why don't we
just save you the trouble</font>

555
00:33:11,476 --> 00:33:13,811
And throw it up
against the wall?</font>

556
00:33:13,879 --> 00:33:16,079
Let me talk about
sex for a minute.
Brad: Dad, I don't wanna...</font>

557
00:33:16,147 --> 00:33:18,615
I want you to listen to me.
Listen up. Can you, please?
Listen up.</font>

558
00:33:18,683 --> 00:33:20,784
Sex is...</font>

559
00:33:20,852 --> 00:33:23,019
It's like a car.</font>

560
00:33:23,087 --> 00:33:28,659
The best idea is to keep
the car in the garage
for a long, long, long time.</font>

561
00:33:31,062 --> 00:33:34,030
And then,
somewhere in the future,
the distant future,</font>

562
00:33:34,098 --> 00:33:38,769
When that garage door opens,
you gotta think, "car cover."</font>

563
00:33:52,016 --> 00:33:54,785
You know, you just keep
feeding them and they grow up.</font>

564
00:33:54,852 --> 00:33:56,387
Don't they?
You know?</font>

565
00:33:56,454 --> 00:33:57,821
Well, you know,
sometimes you
read your script,</font>

566
00:33:57,889 --> 00:34:00,357
And you can't wait
to do the episode.</font>

567
00:34:00,425 --> 00:34:03,593
This script scared me.</font>

568
00:34:03,661 --> 00:34:05,528
Called  <i>the vasectomy one.</i>
<i>Yeah.</i></font>

569
00:34:05,596 --> 00:34:07,197
(chuckling)</font>

570
00:34:07,265 --> 00:34:09,233
Tim agreed to
have a vasectomy,</font>

571
00:34:09,300 --> 00:34:10,901
And then we told him
what that meant.</font>

572
00:34:13,238 --> 00:34:14,704
But when he got down to
the doctor's office,</font>

573
00:34:14,773 --> 00:34:17,274
There was one thing
that jill forgot to tell him.</font>

574
00:34:17,341 --> 00:34:21,278
And it went
something like this.
Something like this.</font>

575
00:34:21,345 --> 00:34:25,615
Hi, mr. And mrs. Taylor,
I'm dr. Kaplan.
I'll be with you in a minute.</font>

576
00:34:26,785 --> 00:34:28,586
Harold!</font>

577
00:34:28,653 --> 00:34:31,721
A woman?
You brought me here
to see a woman?</font>

578
00:34:31,789 --> 00:34:34,391
I didn't know
that she was a woman.
My gynecologist just said</font>

579
00:34:34,459 --> 00:34:37,794
That dr. Kaplan was
the best urologist in town.</font>

580
00:34:37,862 --> 00:34:42,433
How am I supposed
to talk to a woman about
what's going on in man land?</font>

581
00:34:43,001 --> 00:34:45,736
Man land?</font>

582
00:34:45,804 --> 00:34:48,638
Now you got a theme park
between your legs?</font>

583
00:34:54,145 --> 00:34:57,047
My husband, I think,
is just concerned</font>

584
00:34:57,115 --> 00:35:00,017
About how this
is gonna affect
his performance.</font>

585
00:35:00,085 --> 00:35:02,987
(chuckling nervously)
honey, let me
handle this.</font>

586
00:35:03,054 --> 00:35:05,322
You see,
I put on a good show.</font>

587
00:35:07,725 --> 00:35:09,293
And I just wanna
make sure</font>

588
00:35:09,361 --> 00:35:12,429
The curtain doesn't
come down in the middle
of the first act.</font>

589
00:35:12,497 --> 00:35:16,133
This will not,
in any way, affect
your sexual function.</font>

590
00:35:16,200 --> 00:35:18,235
We simply cut off
the flow of sperm...</font>

591
00:35:18,302 --> 00:35:20,270
Oh, boy.</font>

592
00:35:20,338 --> 00:35:22,740
...To prevent it from
entering the seminal stream.</font>

593
00:35:22,807 --> 00:35:25,442
Mmm-hmm. So I'm fishing
without bait, now.</font>

594
00:35:26,845 --> 00:35:28,612
No bait.</font>

595
00:35:28,580 --> 00:35:30,814
Why don't you tell us
what's involved
in the procedure?</font>

596
00:35:30,881 --> 00:35:33,316
Yeah, I'm dying
to hear this.</font>

597
00:35:33,384 --> 00:35:34,985
Well, the morning
of your appointment,</font>

598
00:35:35,053 --> 00:35:38,388
You'd have to shave in
the area where I'll be
making the incisions.</font>

599
00:35:38,456 --> 00:35:41,358
Shave? Here?</font>

600
00:35:42,326 --> 00:35:44,127
It's just a routine procedure.</font>

601
00:35:44,195 --> 00:35:45,829
Not in my house,
it's not.</font>

602
00:35:47,932 --> 00:35:49,466
What do you think?
I wake up in the morning,</font>

603
00:35:49,534 --> 00:35:53,203
Brush my teeth, comb my hair
and shave ping and pong?</font>

604
00:35:57,508 --> 00:36:02,178
The first thing
I do is give you
a shot that's a local.</font>

605
00:36:02,246 --> 00:36:04,447
Local, like here
in detroit?</font>

606
00:36:05,684 --> 00:36:07,484
No, local, like here
in your scrotum.</font>

607
00:36:07,552 --> 00:36:10,421
Oh, boy.</font>

608
00:36:10,188 --> 00:36:11,955
That does sting
for a few seconds.</font>

609
00:36:12,023 --> 00:36:13,423
You think?</font>

610
00:36:19,397 --> 00:36:22,732
Forget about it, wilson.
I'm the kind of guy that
likes to stand his ground.</font>

611
00:36:22,800 --> 00:36:24,434
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa...</font>

612
00:36:25,136 --> 00:36:26,904
(groaning)</font>

613
00:36:29,173 --> 00:36:31,242
You okay there, tim?
Oh, yeah.</font>

614
00:36:33,945 --> 00:36:36,046
Yeah, I just was tired of
using that ladder.</font>

615
00:36:39,017 --> 00:36:41,251
Wilson...</font>

616
00:36:41,319 --> 00:36:43,386
Oh, I love that part.
Wilson was played
by earl hindman,</font>

617
00:36:43,454 --> 00:36:45,755
Who couldn't be here
because he's doing
a play in new york city.</font>

618
00:36:45,824 --> 00:36:48,058
He was one of my
favorite characters
on the show,</font>

619
00:36:48,126 --> 00:36:49,326
Really one of my
favorite actors,</font>

620
00:36:49,393 --> 00:36:51,461
And certainly one of
my favorite friends.</font>

621
00:36:51,529 --> 00:36:54,331
You know, he lived next door
to us for eight years,
but, you know,</font>

622
00:36:54,398 --> 00:36:57,600
I got to say,
I just never saw
enough of the guy.</font>

623
00:36:59,437 --> 00:37:01,071
Tim, you growing
a beard?</font>

624
00:37:03,041 --> 00:37:04,208
What do you think?</font>

625
00:37:04,275 --> 00:37:06,309
Well, I'm not sure,</font>

626
00:37:06,377 --> 00:37:09,046
I could never understand
why a man would want
to hide his face.</font>

627
00:37:10,648 --> 00:37:13,183
There was a time
when I thought my
extensive research</font>

628
00:37:13,250 --> 00:37:15,886
Into ancient tribal cultures,
obscure scientific data,</font>

629
00:37:15,953 --> 00:37:19,355
The thoughts of
great philosophers
would never come in handy.</font>

630
00:37:19,423 --> 00:37:22,592
Then you moved in.</font>

631
00:37:22,660 --> 00:37:28,031
Well, tim, I'm reminded
of what aristotle said
about plato.</font>

632
00:37:28,099 --> 00:37:31,835
"keep the lid on tight,
otherwise it'll all dry out."
that's what I tell mark.</font>

633
00:37:35,073 --> 00:37:38,442
I like to create, wilson.
Everything I do, I wanna
make bigger and better.</font>

634
00:37:38,510 --> 00:37:43,713
Well, tim, this
obsessive desire to
create partly happens</font>

635
00:37:43,781 --> 00:37:46,516
Because men feel
inferior to women.</font>

636
00:37:46,584 --> 00:37:47,917
(grunts)</font>

637
00:37:49,186 --> 00:37:51,421
It's because we can't
bear children.</font>

638
00:37:51,489 --> 00:37:53,290
I don't mind
the boys that much.</font>

639
00:37:58,495 --> 00:38:01,198
Wilson, you're not
making me feel any better.</font>

640
00:38:01,265 --> 00:38:06,469
Well, excuse me,
why do I always have
to be santa's little helper?</font>

641
00:38:06,537 --> 00:38:09,005
Well...
I mean, I have wants,</font>

642
00:38:09,073 --> 00:38:11,908
I have needs, I have issues,
but does anyone ever come
to the fence</font>

643
00:38:11,976 --> 00:38:13,877
And say, "wilson,
do you have a problem?"</font>

644
00:38:13,945 --> 00:38:16,513
I mean, no! It's just
"me, me, me, me!"</font>

645
00:38:26,724 --> 00:38:27,757
Tim?</font>

646
00:38:27,825 --> 00:38:29,359
Wilson, you up?</font>

647
00:38:31,596 --> 00:38:33,263
I am now.</font>

648
00:38:33,331 --> 00:38:36,099
Have you ever had
a real annoying neighbor?</font>

649
00:38:41,539 --> 00:38:43,740
Tim, is this
a trick question?</font>

650
00:38:49,380 --> 00:38:51,514
I sure miss you, earl.
I really do.</font>

651
00:38:51,582 --> 00:38:55,219
Wilson often quoted
philosopher joseph campbell,</font>

652
00:38:55,286 --> 00:38:59,522
Who said,
"before you can create,
you must destroy."</font>

653
00:39:01,059 --> 00:39:02,826
I've tried to
live by that.</font>

654
00:39:04,762 --> 00:39:06,930
(screaming)</font>

655
00:39:14,939 --> 00:39:16,840
If that's good advice,
I'll give you
more good advice.</font>

656
00:39:16,908 --> 00:39:19,176
Always think safety
when working with
a spinning lathe.</font>

657
00:39:19,243 --> 00:39:20,476
You notice I didn't
wear a necktie.</font>

658
00:39:20,544 --> 00:39:21,712
We get a lot of
letters about this.</font>

659
00:39:21,779 --> 00:39:23,013
You want
nothing hanging down,</font>

660
00:39:23,081 --> 00:39:25,048
And no loose clothing.
Possibility...</font>

661
00:39:27,151 --> 00:39:28,785
Let me finish.</font>

662
00:39:30,088 --> 00:39:31,487
Sometimes...</font>

663
00:39:40,031 --> 00:39:41,531
(mimicking engine)</font>

664
00:39:46,137 --> 00:39:48,438
The mouse goes in
the little door here... Ah!</font>

665
00:39:50,541 --> 00:39:52,475
(exclaiming)</font>

666
00:39:56,680 --> 00:39:59,183
Presto, you walk through
and door shuts.</font>

667
00:40:00,485 --> 00:40:02,719
(mimicking engine)</font>

668
00:40:02,787 --> 00:40:04,321
Missed a shift.</font>

669
00:40:06,591 --> 00:40:08,324
Ow!</font>

670
00:40:08,392 --> 00:40:11,595
Al, I was gonna
get to that.</font>

671
00:40:11,663 --> 00:40:14,797
You wanna set your
laminate securely on your
chimney's front and back.</font>

672
00:40:14,865 --> 00:40:15,865
(exclaims)</font>

673
00:40:32,850 --> 00:40:34,251
(jill laughing)</font>

674
00:40:34,318 --> 00:40:37,020
What is this
thing on your head?</font>

675
00:40:37,088 --> 00:40:39,522
It's a little piece
of table.</font>

676
00:40:40,758 --> 00:40:42,358
Do you think
you should go to
the emergency room?</font>

677
00:40:42,426 --> 00:40:44,862
I was just there.
They said I wasn't
a priority.</font>

678
00:40:46,864 --> 00:40:50,200
Why? Was there
a guy with a whole table
stuck to his head?</font>

679
00:40:52,370 --> 00:40:53,303
Ow!</font>

680
00:40:53,371 --> 00:40:54,638
Tim.
Oh, ow!</font>

681
00:40:56,140 --> 00:41:00,076
(mimicking engine)</font>

682
00:41:00,144 --> 00:41:03,413
Tim: It's a little weak here.
You wanna avoid
this area, too.</font>

683
00:41:03,481 --> 00:41:05,449
(screaming)</font>

684
00:41:09,453 --> 00:41:11,555
(screaming)</font>

685
00:41:16,294 --> 00:41:17,261
Al: Tim!</font>

686
00:41:18,862 --> 00:41:20,263
Al, you all right?</font>

687
00:41:20,331 --> 00:41:21,865
Look out!</font>

688
00:41:21,932 --> 00:41:23,700
Tim, your foot.
Don't hit the brake release!</font>

689
00:41:23,767 --> 00:41:24,701
What?</font>

690
00:41:36,180 --> 00:41:39,148
Good night, everybody.
Good night!
Bye!</font>

691
00:41:39,216 --> 00:41:41,084
(audience cheering)</font>

692
00:41:43,588 --> 00:41:45,388
Hey, just a little bow.</font>

693
00:41:45,456 --> 00:41:47,390
Tim: A bow.
Al: A bow!</font>

694
00:41:50,227 --> 00:41:55,298
<i>Hindman: You know,</i>
<i>we always close our show</i>
<i>with bloopers. Guess what?</i></font>

695
00:41:55,365 --> 00:41:59,502
Yes, you don't wanna be
the only one with an
incredibly desirable woman.</font>

696
00:42:06,276 --> 00:42:08,812
Kiss me before
I get rigor mortis.</font>

697
00:42:12,049 --> 00:42:13,683
Mmm.</font>

698
00:42:13,751 --> 00:42:16,019
That just caused
rigor mortis in
a fashion.</font>

699
00:42:16,086 --> 00:42:17,421
(laughing)</font>