1
00:00:07,140 --> 00:00:11,509
Boys, come on. What are you doing?
This is our one morning to sleep in.
2
00:00:11,578 --> 00:00:14,911
Whoa.
You guys really look nasty in the morning.
3
00:00:16,316 --> 00:00:19,183
Did you look this bad when you met?
4
00:00:19,252 --> 00:00:21,243
Your mom did.
5
00:00:21,955 --> 00:00:25,049
Tim, please.
It smells like a sea bass died.
6
00:00:25,125 --> 00:00:27,286
(hisses)
7
00:00:28,428 --> 00:00:30,157
What are you guys doing
banging around down here?
8
00:00:30,230 --> 00:00:33,996
We made you a special breakfast.
Sit down.
9
00:00:34,067 --> 00:00:36,365
- What did you do?
- Nothing.
10
00:00:36,436 --> 00:00:39,200
- Come on. What did you guys break?
- Nothing.
11
00:00:39,272 --> 00:00:42,730
- Whose cat did you shave?
- No one's.
12
00:00:42,809 --> 00:00:46,108
Mom, this is yours.
Dad, this one's yours.
13
00:00:46,179 --> 00:00:47,339
It is, huh?
14
00:00:47,414 --> 00:00:50,941
Does this have anything to do with me
putting Tabasco sauce in your ice cream?
15
00:00:51,017 --> 00:00:53,281
Of course not, Father.
16
00:00:55,255 --> 00:00:57,280
I enjoyed that prank.
17
00:00:57,991 --> 00:01:00,789
Yeah, so did I. It was cool. Oh, boy.
18
00:01:00,860 --> 00:01:03,090
Oh, Mrs. Boucher's dog.
Get outta the yard!
19
00:01:03,163 --> 00:01:06,690
Come on, get outta there, you stupid dog!
Ha ha!
20
00:01:06,766 --> 00:01:09,462
- Go on now!
- There isn't any dog out there.
21
00:01:09,536 --> 00:01:14,132
Oh. Oh, he slipped right through
the bushes there. Well, let's dig in.
22
00:01:14,207 --> 00:01:16,107
Mom.
23
00:01:16,176 --> 00:01:18,337
Allow me.
24
00:01:20,113 --> 00:01:21,603
Go on, honey.
25
00:01:29,989 --> 00:01:31,854
- They're delicious.
- They are?
26
00:01:31,925 --> 00:01:33,586
- They're really good.
- Cool.
27
00:01:33,660 --> 00:01:36,629
- You should try it.
- Yeah, Dad. Dig in.
28
00:02:54,541 --> 00:02:56,532
(Jill) Well, what do you think?
Could we put the kids in the middle?
29
00:03:01,247 --> 00:03:02,908
- Hi, Mom.
- Hey, Mom.
30
00:03:02,982 --> 00:03:04,574
Hi, guys. How was school?
31
00:03:04,651 --> 00:03:08,087
Great. They announced that
summer vacation begins in February.
32
00:03:08,154 --> 00:03:11,851
Yeah. And no one has
to do homework ever again.
33
00:03:12,292 --> 00:03:15,227
That's nice. What else?
34
00:03:15,728 --> 00:03:18,561
- Randy's gonna be in a talent show.
- Shut up!
35
00:03:18,631 --> 00:03:21,566
You're gonna be in a talent show?
That is so cool. What are you gonna do?
36
00:03:21,634 --> 00:03:23,761
You gonna sing?
Tap-dance? Do you need my help?
37
00:03:23,836 --> 00:03:27,328
No, I'm gonna be doing a ventriloquist act.
38
00:03:27,407 --> 00:03:29,637
I love ventriloquists.
39
00:03:29,709 --> 00:03:33,736
When I was growing up, I used
to watch 'em all the time on Ed Sullivan.
40
00:03:33,813 --> 00:03:36,179
Who?
41
00:03:36,249 --> 00:03:39,548
Never mind. You're gonna
look so cute holding a dummy.
42
00:03:39,619 --> 00:03:43,885
He finally gets to work
with somebody his own size.
43
00:03:43,957 --> 00:03:46,653
Yeah, and somebody with your IQ.
44
00:03:47,493 --> 00:03:50,826
Randy, you don't know
anything about being a ventriloquist.
45
00:03:50,897 --> 00:03:54,697
I'll read about it. You see, Brad,
the library has these new things.
46
00:03:54,767 --> 00:03:57,497
They're called books.
47
00:03:57,570 --> 00:04:01,006
They're like comics,
but they don't have pictures.
48
00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:04,635
Come on, guys. Cut it out.
Randy, I'm really proud of you.
49
00:04:04,711 --> 00:04:06,906
You're trying a new thing. This is great.
50
00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:09,608
Honey, I'm home.
51
00:04:09,682 --> 00:04:12,742
- You are so weird.
- Thanks. Hey, guys.
52
00:04:12,819 --> 00:04:14,719
What's up?
53
00:04:15,688 --> 00:04:18,350
Randy's doing
a ventriloquist act at school.
54
00:04:18,424 --> 00:04:20,415
Great.
Where are you gonna get the dummy?
55
00:04:20,493 --> 00:04:22,825
Ah da da da buh buh buh.
56
00:04:23,896 --> 00:04:27,764
Can I carve you one? I can make a lifelike
little friend out of 100% American pine.
57
00:04:27,834 --> 00:04:30,200
- You could?
- You've seen what I can do with my hands.
58
00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:33,797
Yeah, but I don't want you
to make the dummy explode.
59
00:04:35,708 --> 00:04:37,471
- Do you want me to carve it for you or not?
- Yeah.
60
00:04:37,543 --> 00:04:40,671
- Cool. Let's do it, then.
- Thanks, Dad.
61
00:04:40,747 --> 00:04:43,773
- What's all this?
- A compatibility test.
62
00:04:43,850 --> 00:04:46,580
- A compatibility test?
- Yes.
63
00:04:46,653 --> 00:04:50,555
It's so women can tell if they're
in a relationship with the right man.
64
00:04:50,623 --> 00:04:54,423
It's for the special Valentine's issue
of next month's magazine.
65
00:04:54,494 --> 00:04:56,928
"How does your mate rate?"
66
00:04:56,996 --> 00:05:00,022
How do you rate
a guy who's already an ace?
67
00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:03,694
I think you mispronounced that.
68
00:05:06,472 --> 00:05:08,337
Don't worry, honey.
You did great on the test.
69
00:05:08,408 --> 00:05:11,866
- I didn't take this test yet.
- I know. Men don't take the test.
70
00:05:11,944 --> 00:05:14,105
Women take the test for the men.
71
00:05:14,180 --> 00:05:17,581
So you think up the test and then you
answer your own questions? Very fair.
72
00:05:17,650 --> 00:05:19,083
Thank you.
73
00:05:19,519 --> 00:05:23,649
- Who thought of this?
- Me and about five other people.
74
00:05:23,723 --> 00:05:25,452
Were there any men
involved in this group?
75
00:05:25,525 --> 00:05:30,758
No. But Arlene and Vickie
have very strong masculine sides.
76
00:05:30,830 --> 00:05:33,458
A little quiz for women
to show how stupid their husbands are.
77
00:05:33,533 --> 00:05:36,400
No. It's fun. You get points.
78
00:05:36,469 --> 00:05:39,063
- You know, for all the different answers.
- OK.
79
00:05:39,138 --> 00:05:44,599
You could rate anywhere from
"knight in shining armor" to "Neanderthal."
80
00:05:44,677 --> 00:05:46,770
You took it for me. How'd I do?
81
00:05:47,246 --> 00:05:49,237
- 98.
- (grunting) Yeah!
82
00:05:50,049 --> 00:05:51,914
Out of 300.
83
00:05:54,887 --> 00:05:56,650
OK.
84
00:05:56,723 --> 00:05:59,920
"If your husband was something you'd
find in the kitchen, what would he be?"
85
00:05:59,992 --> 00:06:04,895
- Oh, that's deep. Oh, yeah, that's deep.
- I think you'll find this very insightful, Tim.
86
00:06:04,964 --> 00:06:08,297
"A. An oven.
Warm and self-cleaning." Not me.
87
00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:12,099
"B. Garbage disposal.
Grating and eats anything."
88
00:06:13,139 --> 00:06:17,667
"C. A refrigerator.
Very cold and the light's never on."
89
00:06:20,313 --> 00:06:22,178
These are stupid.
90
00:06:22,248 --> 00:06:26,344
Well, come on. You haven't read
the one that I picked for you. Read D.
91
00:06:26,419 --> 00:06:31,482
"D. A teakettle.
Hot and steamy, done in two minutes."
92
00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:40,221
Like I'm a teakettle.
93
00:06:40,299 --> 00:06:43,666
Well, honey,
you do whistle when you're done.
94
00:06:50,076 --> 00:06:52,408
One layer at a time, there.
95
00:06:54,614 --> 00:06:59,142
Al has been showing us some real
craftsmanship on this wood lathe today.
96
00:06:59,218 --> 00:07:01,550
Al, do you suppose
if you couldn't pay for this all at once
97
00:07:01,621 --> 00:07:04,715
you'd have to put it on lathe-away?
98
00:07:06,592 --> 00:07:08,924
I don't think so, Tim.
99
00:07:09,929 --> 00:07:12,090
Anyway, a lathe
is a very amazing machine.
100
00:07:12,165 --> 00:07:16,295
You can turn out all sorts of interesting
products from table legs to baseball bats,
101
00:07:16,369 --> 00:07:20,203
just like this beautiful American-ash bat
we made today. Boy, I love baseball.
102
00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:23,765
As a kid, I used to love playing it. Klaus,
let's have some ambient baseball noise.
103
00:07:23,843 --> 00:07:25,970
(crowd chatter/organ)
104
00:07:43,996 --> 00:07:45,987
(bat cracking/crowd cheers)
105
00:07:49,869 --> 00:07:53,032
Right over the wall, Al. A tape-measure job.
106
00:07:53,105 --> 00:07:57,235
Here, take a swing, buddy.
Come on. Come on. Come on, buddy.
107
00:07:57,310 --> 00:07:59,540
(cheering)
108
00:08:03,282 --> 00:08:06,046
Come on, buddy.
Keep your eye on the ball, buddy.
109
00:08:06,118 --> 00:08:08,018
(sound of baseball hitting glove/
audience jeers)
110
00:08:10,022 --> 00:08:13,082
Strike, Al.
Those high hard ones are tough.
111
00:08:13,159 --> 00:08:16,151
Take another shot.
Come on. Come on.
112
00:08:20,700 --> 00:08:22,167
(sound of baseball hitting glove)
113
00:08:23,169 --> 00:08:27,128
Two strikes on you. Don't worry
about it, buddy. You're it. Come on, Al.
114
00:08:27,206 --> 00:08:31,540
- (baseball whizzes by/hits glove)
- All right, Al, you are out of here!
115
00:08:32,645 --> 00:08:34,977
Maybe I could salvage this.
116
00:08:37,216 --> 00:08:40,208
(bat hits baseball/crowd cheers)
117
00:08:40,753 --> 00:08:43,449
Ground rule double, buddy.
118
00:08:44,257 --> 00:08:48,455
Enough foolishness, though. But
with a lathe, you can build your own bat.
119
00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:51,292
Yes, and tailor it
to your own individual grip.
120
00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:54,731
That way, you know
you and the bat are compatible.
121
00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:56,631
Unlike a woman.
122
00:08:56,702 --> 00:09:01,071
Who has to take a quiz out of a magazine
to figure out who she's compatible with.
123
00:09:01,140 --> 00:09:06,009
(feminine voice) "If my husband was
a pie, what kind of pie would he be?"
124
00:09:08,214 --> 00:09:11,479
I'm not a pie!
Men aren't pies. Are you a pie, Al?
125
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,781
Well, I'm a Pi-sces.
126
00:09:13,853 --> 00:09:15,821
(laughter)
127
00:09:18,090 --> 00:09:20,422
Thank you, Al. Men know
what I'm talking about. I'm right.
128
00:09:20,493 --> 00:09:23,326
We don't have to... we don't have to go
through a quiz to figure out who we like.
129
00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:26,160
We see a woman, we go,
"Do I wanna take a bath with her,
130
00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:28,325
or introduce her to my sister?"
131
00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:32,098
That's Tim Taylor,
c/o Tool Time. PO Box 327...
132
00:09:32,171 --> 00:09:34,264
Give it a rest, Al. Al, give it a rest.
133
00:09:34,340 --> 00:09:36,934
- Can we get back to our project?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
134
00:09:37,009 --> 00:09:40,240
I'm sorry. I don't think we're gonna
have time, actually, to turn this leg for 'em.
135
00:09:40,313 --> 00:09:42,873
Why don't you just show 'em
the leg you turned earlier today?
136
00:09:42,949 --> 00:09:47,147
Here's a beautiful example
that Al turned today out of maple. I love it.
137
00:09:47,219 --> 00:09:49,380
Al's not the only one
that can turn a leg, though.
138
00:09:49,455 --> 00:09:53,858
Earlier, I made this leg
out of a perfect piece of ash.
139
00:09:56,762 --> 00:10:00,391
She sells seashells
down by the seashore.
140
00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:02,958
- Saw your lips move.
- OK, shut up.
141
00:10:03,035 --> 00:10:05,196
They moved again.
142
00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:07,762
- How's it going?
- He stinks.
143
00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:11,367
Mark, we're a family. We support
each other. Your brother doesn't stink.
144
00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:14,004
- Yes, I do.
- Told you.
145
00:10:15,147 --> 00:10:16,671
You can see my lips move.
146
00:10:16,749 --> 00:10:21,209
Honey, don't be so hard on yourself.
Edgar Bergen didn't learn this in a day.
147
00:10:21,287 --> 00:10:23,482
(both) Who?
148
00:10:23,556 --> 00:10:25,615
Just keep practicing.
149
00:10:26,058 --> 00:10:28,618
Tim?
Where have you been? You're late.
150
00:10:28,694 --> 00:10:31,162
Hi, honey.
I was doing some important research.
151
00:10:31,230 --> 00:10:33,562
- Oh, really.
- Yeah.
152
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:38,369
I don't think it's fair that women
make up all these quizzes about men,
153
00:10:38,437 --> 00:10:40,905
so I made up
this little quiz about women.
154
00:10:40,973 --> 00:10:43,134
Like my "How does you mate rate" test?
155
00:10:43,209 --> 00:10:48,374
Yeah. I'm gonna call it, "Is your life
more rife with strife because of your wife?"
156
00:10:48,447 --> 00:10:50,972
Which scientific minds
came up with this one?
157
00:10:51,050 --> 00:10:55,487
Me and a couple of guys at work.
You know, Howie, Leroy, Moose...
158
00:10:55,554 --> 00:10:57,579
Moose? Isn't he that crane operator
159
00:10:57,657 --> 00:11:00,125
who rides a motorcycle
and has, like, a tattoo on his shoulder?
160
00:11:00,192 --> 00:11:03,628
Yes. But he has
some very strong feminine sides.
161
00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:08,661
We came up with a rating system.
It goes from "cave woman"
162
00:11:08,734 --> 00:11:12,397
to "Bambi the love goddess."
163
00:11:13,472 --> 00:11:19,707
"Bambi the love goddess?" I take it there
aren't any math questions on this quiz.
164
00:11:19,779 --> 00:11:22,475
You got that right. All right.
165
00:11:22,548 --> 00:11:28,646
"Does your wife nag you more or less than
six times during a football game?" More.
166
00:11:28,721 --> 00:11:31,554
- I never nag you during football games.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey. I'm taking this for you.
167
00:11:31,624 --> 00:11:32,613
OK?
168
00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:34,990
"How many times has your wife
nagged you during this quiz?"
169
00:11:35,061 --> 00:11:39,691
- Oh, this is so stupid.
- That would be two times right there.
170
00:11:39,765 --> 00:11:41,858
Now, the scientific part.
171
00:11:41,934 --> 00:11:45,893
(laughing) "If your wife were a piece
of hockey equipment, what would she be?"
172
00:11:45,971 --> 00:11:48,565
- Let me see that!
- (laughs)
173
00:11:48,641 --> 00:11:52,407
"If your wife were a piece
of hockey equipment, would she be...?"
174
00:11:52,478 --> 00:11:56,539
"A: a goalie mask -
wiry and closed off."
175
00:11:58,050 --> 00:12:03,352
"B: a stick -
long, rigid and likes to hit things.
176
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:09,855
C: elbow pads -
soft, flexible and a good housekeeper"?
177
00:12:10,996 --> 00:12:14,625
What does housekeeping
have to do with elbow pads?
178
00:12:14,700 --> 00:12:16,964
Takes care of the joint.
179
00:12:20,673 --> 00:12:23,267
- This is great.
- You're so pathetic.
180
00:12:23,342 --> 00:12:25,776
- Read the next one.
- "D: a jockstrap -
181
00:12:25,845 --> 00:12:30,077
gets in the way a lot,
but basically supportive."
182
00:12:34,453 --> 00:12:37,752
And you fell right in between
elbow pads and a jockstrap.
183
00:12:37,823 --> 00:12:40,553
Well, thank you so much. I'm so honored.
184
00:12:40,626 --> 00:12:44,756
(sighs) I'm sorry, punkster,
but that's the best you did, right there.
185
00:12:44,830 --> 00:12:48,561
According to my little quiz,
you and I are just not compatible.
186
00:12:48,634 --> 00:12:52,001
Well, I don't need a test to tell me that.
How'd I do?
187
00:12:52,071 --> 00:12:54,005
- 88.
- Out of what?
188
00:12:54,073 --> 00:12:56,234
Seven million.
189
00:12:59,111 --> 00:13:02,410
So I guess I'm not
Bambi the love goddess, huh?
190
00:13:02,481 --> 00:13:08,818
Actually, you'll need ten more points to
catch up to Tina the inflatable party doll.
191
00:13:11,757 --> 00:13:14,817
OK. It says, "In order to pronounce
the letter V without moving your lips,
192
00:13:14,894 --> 00:13:19,331
make a gentle cough,
followed by a soft G."
193
00:13:19,398 --> 00:13:22,799
Uh, try to say, "Hi, Aunt Vivian."
194
00:13:25,504 --> 00:13:31,340
Hi, Aunt... (coughs) G-i... (coughs)... ian.
195
00:13:31,410 --> 00:13:32,877
Very good.
196
00:13:32,945 --> 00:13:37,609
See, Mom, I can't do this. Besides,
I feel like an idiot talking to a hanger.
197
00:13:37,683 --> 00:13:42,211
You shouldn't think of it as a hanger. You
should think of it as a real living person.
198
00:13:42,288 --> 00:13:46,190
- We should give it a name.
- How about Hanger?
199
00:13:47,092 --> 00:13:49,822
- Mom, a hanger can't have a name.
- Yes, it can. Yes, it can.
200
00:13:49,895 --> 00:13:54,355
Here, let me try this.
OK, we're gonna call this guy... Spanky.
201
00:13:54,433 --> 00:13:56,594
How are you doing, Spanky?
202
00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:58,330
Good.
203
00:13:58,404 --> 00:14:00,736
What's your favorite nursery rhyme?
204
00:14:00,806 --> 00:14:04,606
Mary had a little lamb
205
00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:09,842
That was great, Mom.
"Harry had a little ham."
206
00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:14,881
OK, wise guy. You go up and work on this,
or you're not gonna get any dinner.
207
00:14:14,954 --> 00:14:17,616
Why? What are we having? Heat loaf?
208
00:14:18,324 --> 00:14:21,259
Tim, Tim. On your way to work,
will you pick up this dry cleaning?
209
00:14:21,327 --> 00:14:22,555
Yep.
210
00:14:22,628 --> 00:14:24,425
Thank you.
211
00:14:24,496 --> 00:14:27,897
Oh, uh... by the way, the other day when
I was talking about being incompatible,
212
00:14:27,967 --> 00:14:31,061
- you know I was just joking around.
- Good.
213
00:14:31,136 --> 00:14:34,230
You were kidding too, weren't you?
214
00:14:34,306 --> 00:14:36,365
- No.
- (laughs)
215
00:14:36,442 --> 00:14:38,774
But you're kidding now.
216
00:14:40,112 --> 00:14:41,875
No.
217
00:14:42,681 --> 00:14:46,811
If we're so incompatible,
how is it we got along for 14 years?
218
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:51,346
Well, I'm an exceptional woman
and I make all the compromises.
219
00:14:51,790 --> 00:14:56,318
Back the marriage carriage up here
a little bit. You make all the compromises?
220
00:14:56,395 --> 00:14:59,091
- Yeah. We always do what you wanna do.
- No, we don't.
221
00:14:59,164 --> 00:15:02,656
Yeah. I went to that
truck-pushing thing with you.
222
00:15:03,102 --> 00:15:06,003
- Truck pulling. Pull.
- Whatever.
223
00:15:06,438 --> 00:15:10,135
- I go to the opera with you.
- Once. I've been to three Rambo movies.
224
00:15:10,209 --> 00:15:12,268
When was the last time
you took me to a foreign film?
225
00:15:12,344 --> 00:15:15,006
Didn't we just see Le RoboCop?
226
00:15:17,816 --> 00:15:21,616
I let you hang
that ugly picture up there.
227
00:15:21,687 --> 00:15:25,020
Ugly? That's the Monterey Grand Prix '64.
It's one of a kind.
228
00:15:25,090 --> 00:15:29,356
- That's worth some coin.
- Then sell it. You can hang up the quarter.
229
00:15:29,428 --> 00:15:30,895
Ooh.
230
00:15:30,963 --> 00:15:33,488
I let you put
percale sheets up in the bedroom.
231
00:15:33,565 --> 00:15:36,534
I wanted Heroes of the NFL.
232
00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:41,039
Like I wanna sleep
for the rest of my life on Dick Butkus?
233
00:15:42,741 --> 00:15:45,107
Think about it.
234
00:15:45,177 --> 00:15:48,578
We haven't even talked about
the biggest compromise of all - the kids.
235
00:15:48,647 --> 00:15:52,048
- How are the boys a compromise?
- I wanted girls. You wanted boys.
236
00:15:52,117 --> 00:15:54,381
I gave you boys.
237
00:15:58,424 --> 00:16:00,790
- Yo, Wilson, you over there?
- (Wilson) Right here, Tim.
238
00:16:00,859 --> 00:16:02,986
Have you finished painting
that dummy for Randy yet?
239
00:16:03,062 --> 00:16:06,930
Mm. Almost. I must say,
you did a wonderful job of carving it.
240
00:16:06,999 --> 00:16:08,125
Thanks, buddy.
241
00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:10,862
Oh, I've always been
a big fan of ventriloquism.
242
00:16:10,936 --> 00:16:17,466
A noble art from the Latin words venter
and loqui. meaning to speak from the belly.
243
00:16:17,910 --> 00:16:20,936
I do that after I eat Mexican food.
244
00:16:21,013 --> 00:16:23,379
Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
245
00:16:23,449 --> 00:16:26,782
- You mind if I ask you something?
- Throw your voice, good neighbor.
246
00:16:26,852 --> 00:16:30,618
Jill's taken this stupid test.
It says we're not compatible.
247
00:16:30,689 --> 00:16:32,486
- I know we love each other.
- Mm-hm.
248
00:16:32,558 --> 00:16:35,026
I just wonder how we stay together
if we're so different.
249
00:16:35,094 --> 00:16:40,760
Well, Tim, much of it has to do with the
unity of opposites. The yin and the yang.
250
00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:43,461
Those two pandas
at the Washington Zoo?
251
00:16:45,170 --> 00:16:48,571
Oh, no, Tim.
That would be Ling Ling and Hsing Hsing.
252
00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:51,006
- (sing-song voice) Oh, Hsing Hsing...
- Yes.
253
00:16:51,076 --> 00:16:54,011
What I'm talking about
is the paradox of a relationship.
254
00:16:54,079 --> 00:16:57,845
And a paradox
is not necessarily a bad thing.
255
00:16:57,916 --> 00:17:02,580
- A paradox is not necessarily a bad thing.
- Mm-hm. There you go, neighbor.
256
00:17:02,654 --> 00:17:05,384
A paradox creates tension,
and tension is energy,
257
00:17:05,457 --> 00:17:07,925
and energy is a force
and we all live in this force,
258
00:17:07,993 --> 00:17:12,453
and that's the excitement of life and love.
Are you with me, Tim?
259
00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:17,298
You're saying a paradox
is not necessarily a bad thing.
260
00:17:17,369 --> 00:17:22,363
(Wilson) Mm-hm.
Tim, I believe it was André Maurois
261
00:17:22,441 --> 00:17:27,469
who said that a successful marriage
is an edifice that must be rebuilt every day.
262
00:17:27,546 --> 00:17:31,004
And I like rebuilding, boy.
Hammer, hammer, yeah, saw, hammer.
263
00:17:31,083 --> 00:17:33,916
(Wilson) That's because
you have an edifice complex.
264
00:17:33,986 --> 00:17:37,444
(Wilson laughs) Oh, my gosh,
I do crack myself up sometimes.
265
00:17:38,590 --> 00:17:41,650
But I think
what Maurois was trying to say
266
00:17:41,727 --> 00:17:44,890
is that there is a deep chasm
between man and woman,
267
00:17:44,963 --> 00:17:48,729
and every day we must build a bridge
and cross over to the other side.
268
00:17:48,801 --> 00:17:50,735
Wouldn't that put
Jill on my side and me on her side?
269
00:17:50,803 --> 00:17:56,070
No, no, no, Tim. In a successful marriage,
man and woman will meet in the middle.
270
00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:03,074
- Hi, Randy.
- Hi, Mom.
271
00:18:04,016 --> 00:18:05,984
What's wrong?
272
00:18:06,051 --> 00:18:09,646
Well, the principal asked me
to do some ventriloquism.
273
00:18:09,721 --> 00:18:14,215
I tried to say, "Hi, Aunt Vivian,"
and I coughed in her face.
274
00:18:14,293 --> 00:18:17,729
Hi, honey.
Hey, Randy. Don't look. Don't look.
275
00:18:17,796 --> 00:18:22,563
I finished your dummy. I think you're gonna
find this the handsomest dummy ever.
276
00:18:22,634 --> 00:18:24,727
Are you guys ready?
277
00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:30,606
Whoa.
278
00:18:33,879 --> 00:18:38,714
- Wow, that's great, Dad.
- This is so amazing.
279
00:18:38,784 --> 00:18:43,118
Gosh, it's so real,
it's hard to tell who's who.
280
00:18:46,091 --> 00:18:48,082
(screams)
281
00:18:49,194 --> 00:18:52,163
- Cool?
- Wow, that's great, Dad.
282
00:18:52,231 --> 00:18:56,167
But I'm not a very good ventriloquist.
My lips keep moving.
283
00:18:56,235 --> 00:19:00,035
That's why I designed it this way.
Watch. Your lips don't have to move.
284
00:19:00,105 --> 00:19:02,869
OK, Tim Junior. Look over at me. Hi.
285
00:19:02,941 --> 00:19:06,900
Hey. How do you feel
about that more power?
286
00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:08,970
(inquisitive grunting)
287
00:19:09,481 --> 00:19:11,972
(continues grunting)
288
00:19:22,728 --> 00:19:25,322
- Cool. I can do that.
- I know you can.
289
00:19:25,397 --> 00:19:28,730
Try to work it out upstairs. All right?
In front of that big mirror on your door.
290
00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:30,859
- OK. Thanks, Dad.
- You bet, buddy.
291
00:19:30,936 --> 00:19:33,905
- Tim, you outdid yourself.
- Sometimes I do that.
292
00:19:33,972 --> 00:19:36,736
Listen, I got us
some videos and some pizza.
293
00:19:36,808 --> 00:19:39,276
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Before you do that, I've been thinking.
294
00:19:39,344 --> 00:19:43,371
- What was the occasion?
- I think we're compatible
295
00:19:43,448 --> 00:19:49,148
even though you like percale sheets
and I wanna sleep with Dick Butkus.
296
00:19:51,123 --> 00:19:54,115
- Why are we compatible?
- Because we choose to be.
297
00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:56,787
You and I are a pair o' ducks.
298
00:19:58,864 --> 00:20:02,356
- And that's not necessarily a bad thing.
- Pair o' ducks?
299
00:20:02,434 --> 00:20:05,028
Yes. Yin and Yang.
300
00:20:05,103 --> 00:20:07,833
They couldn't swim
the Chasm river, right?
301
00:20:07,906 --> 00:20:12,673
So they built this bridge,
and they sat up there and quacked.
302
00:20:14,413 --> 00:20:16,574
A bridge?
You're trying to tell me you built a bridge?
303
00:20:16,648 --> 00:20:20,914
No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't get me wrong.
What we do is, we start over every day.
304
00:20:20,986 --> 00:20:23,784
I choose you, you choose me.
305
00:20:23,855 --> 00:20:26,119
So we're, like,
kinda stuck with each other.
306
00:20:26,191 --> 00:20:30,753
Yes. And you know what?
With you, I don't mind compromising.
307
00:20:30,829 --> 00:20:36,096
I don't, either. You know, I've even started
liking those stupid bloody action films.
308
00:20:36,168 --> 00:20:37,829
- Really?
- Yeah.
309
00:20:37,903 --> 00:20:40,337
Wouldn't mind having
Arnold Schwarzenegger sheets.
310
00:20:40,405 --> 00:20:42,396
(in Austrian accent) Maria!
311
00:20:43,475 --> 00:20:45,966
And you know what?
I like going to the mall with you.
312
00:20:46,044 --> 00:20:47,875
Really?
313
00:20:47,946 --> 00:20:51,712
(whispers) Uh...
I kinda like buying lingerie.
314
00:20:53,218 --> 00:20:56,654
(whispers) I think that
better stay our secret.
315
00:20:58,490 --> 00:21:01,288
- You thought... I see.
- (laughs)
316
00:21:16,642 --> 00:21:22,979
All right, Tim Junior. Now... let's do our
impression of a very bad Godzilla movie.
317
00:21:23,949 --> 00:21:28,181
Oh, no, Godzilla.
Monster's behind that building.
318
00:21:34,159 --> 00:21:37,390
Come on out, honey. You've had
enough time practicing with that thing.
319
00:21:37,462 --> 00:21:39,191
(laughing)
320
00:21:39,264 --> 00:21:41,255
Oh, Tim!
321
00:21:43,435 --> 00:21:46,063
- I love it.
- 'Cause it looks like me.
322
00:21:46,138 --> 00:21:49,733
- No, I mean mine.
- Oh, Jill Jr. I'm sorry.
323
00:21:50,542 --> 00:21:54,444
All right, Tim Jr.
I'd like you to meet Jill Jr.
324
00:21:55,947 --> 00:21:57,938
(both) Aah!
325
00:22:01,119 --> 00:22:02,746
(Jill laughs)
326
00:22:02,821 --> 00:22:05,153
Nice hair, helmet head.
327
00:22:07,959 --> 00:22:12,191
Is that your face,
or do you have Dutch elm disease?
328
00:22:13,532 --> 00:22:17,024
Why don't you look at me
when you talk to me?
329
00:22:21,139 --> 00:22:22,868
You're not a very good ventriloquist.
330
00:22:22,941 --> 00:22:24,932
- I saw your lips moving.
- Why don't you come over here
331
00:22:25,010 --> 00:22:27,103
and I'll show you
how they do ventriloquism in France?
332
00:22:27,179 --> 00:22:28,339
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
333
00:22:42,260 --> 00:22:46,219
Hello, everybody. Welcome to Tool Time
I'm your host, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
334
00:22:46,298 --> 00:22:50,598
You all know my assistant,
Al "I caused the..." (laughs)
335
00:22:52,237 --> 00:22:54,535
(woman) From the top. We're still rolling.
336
00:22:54,606 --> 00:22:56,597
Three, two...
337
00:23:08,353 --> 00:23:10,082
Five, four,
338
00:23:10,155 --> 00:23:11,918
three, two...
339
00:23:14,659 --> 00:23:18,390
Hi, everybody. Welcome to Tool Time
I'm your host Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
340
00:23:18,463 --> 00:23:22,695
You all know my assistant,
Al "I caused the..."
341
00:23:22,768 --> 00:23:24,201
Why'd you give me this...