1 00:00:02,235 --> 00:00:03,463 Welcome back to Tool Time 2 00:00:03,536 --> 00:00:06,937 Now, when selecting your wood for your deck, you want to use cedar or redwood, 3 00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:09,874 'cause they won't rot or decay from the moisture. 4 00:00:09,943 --> 00:00:13,242 That's also why poplar is quite "poplar." 5 00:00:20,086 --> 00:00:23,021 And once you finish that deck, you've got your springtime there. 6 00:00:23,089 --> 00:00:25,182 It's spring, Klaus. How about some springtime? 7 00:00:25,258 --> 00:00:27,590 (birds chirping/Tim sighs) 8 00:00:28,495 --> 00:00:31,464 Spring, nice weather, the birds... 9 00:00:31,531 --> 00:00:33,829 Hey, hey, hey! 10 00:00:34,734 --> 00:00:38,830 You get your deck finished, you just kick back and enjoy the fruits of your labor. 11 00:00:38,905 --> 00:00:40,839 - Right, Al? - I wouldn't know, Tim. 12 00:00:40,907 --> 00:00:43,967 You're fruiting, I'm still laboring. 13 00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:49,414 Anyway, Al, as you can see, is bracing and blocking in between the joists here. 14 00:00:49,482 --> 00:00:51,882 That's right. And if you use this procedure, 15 00:00:51,951 --> 00:00:54,476 your deck will be able to support a great deal of weight. 16 00:00:54,554 --> 00:00:58,354 As many as 12 party guests and a barbecue. 17 00:00:59,292 --> 00:01:01,886 Or my mother-in-law. 18 00:01:02,962 --> 00:01:05,954 Now, next week there'll be no more Nana jokes about her weight. 19 00:01:06,032 --> 00:01:08,728 Because they're cheap and easy, and I'm above that. 20 00:01:08,802 --> 00:01:12,135 And she's coming to town next week. 21 00:01:12,205 --> 00:01:17,507 But that's next week. So this week it's open season on that wildebeest. 22 00:01:17,577 --> 00:01:20,603 Al, did I tell you the time that 23 00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:26,277 Nana didn't shave her chin for three days, and two bison followed her home? 24 00:01:27,187 --> 00:01:28,279 (moos) 25 00:01:29,322 --> 00:01:31,756 Tim, I believe our show today is about decks. 26 00:01:31,825 --> 00:01:35,192 That's right. And I certainly know my way around a deck. 27 00:01:35,261 --> 00:01:37,661 Let's get into the construction technique, can we? 28 00:01:37,730 --> 00:01:40,290 Now, the footing here holds the post. 29 00:01:40,366 --> 00:01:44,132 The post is connected to the beam. The beam is connected to the joist. 30 00:01:44,204 --> 00:01:47,867 The joist is connected to the hipbone. The hipbone's connected to the thighbone. 31 00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:51,206 - Al, take it. Come on, buddy. - Not in this life, Tim. 32 00:01:52,245 --> 00:01:53,712 And once you get your deck finished, 33 00:01:53,780 --> 00:01:56,442 it's solid enough even Nana could jump on this thing. 34 00:01:56,516 --> 00:01:58,814 Tim, you don't... No, you don't... 35 00:02:01,688 --> 00:02:06,216 Binford Sealant. You can pick it up at your local store. 36 00:03:17,597 --> 00:03:19,588 (Jill) Well, what do you think? Could we put the kids in the middle? 37 00:03:25,171 --> 00:03:28,436 - Hi, Mom. Is Nana here yet? - No, not yet. 38 00:03:28,708 --> 00:03:30,869 Don't put your books on the table! 39 00:03:30,944 --> 00:03:33,071 Don't walk on the floor, I just mopped it. 40 00:03:33,146 --> 00:03:34,511 Hi, guys. 41 00:03:34,581 --> 00:03:37,049 - Freeze. - Oh, lady, lady. Come on. 42 00:03:37,116 --> 00:03:40,017 All the dust I have is in my back pocket, right there. 43 00:03:40,086 --> 00:03:43,317 I got a little extra lint in my bellybutton. 44 00:03:43,389 --> 00:03:45,880 I've just mopped the floor. I don't want you to walk on it. Take off your shoes. 45 00:03:45,959 --> 00:03:49,986 Hey, guys, take all of that stuff upstairs and hide it. 46 00:03:50,063 --> 00:03:51,530 (whistles) 47 00:03:51,598 --> 00:03:54,590 Every time your mom comes here, you turn into Helga the psycho-cleaner. 48 00:03:54,667 --> 00:03:55,929 I do not. I'm just tidying up a bit. 49 00:03:56,002 --> 00:03:58,562 Don't touch that. You're gonna get fingerprints all over it. 50 00:03:58,638 --> 00:04:01,436 How do you see out of the back of your head? 51 00:04:01,507 --> 00:04:02,804 And don't laugh 52 00:04:02,875 --> 00:04:06,208 at all those embarrassing stories my mother tells when she gets here. 53 00:04:06,279 --> 00:04:09,180 They're not really embarrassing. Some of them are really kinda funny. 54 00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:12,309 My favorite is when you dove off the high-dive as a kid, 55 00:04:12,385 --> 00:04:13,716 and the top of your bathing suit came off 56 00:04:13,786 --> 00:04:15,879 and the lifeguards were using them as a slingshot. 57 00:04:15,955 --> 00:04:17,081 (makes twanging noises) 58 00:04:19,759 --> 00:04:21,624 Oh, boy. 59 00:04:22,829 --> 00:04:25,320 That wasn't funny at all. 60 00:04:25,398 --> 00:04:28,993 You see, this is just what I mean. Mom always thinks that stuff like that is funny. 61 00:04:29,068 --> 00:04:32,731 And if she knew anything about me, she'd realize that those stories are painful to me. 62 00:04:32,805 --> 00:04:34,238 If they're so painful, why don't you just tell her that? 63 00:04:34,307 --> 00:04:36,867 I can't tell my mother. 64 00:04:36,943 --> 00:04:40,276 (imitates her) Why can't you tell your mother? 65 00:04:40,346 --> 00:04:44,112 It's old stuff, Tim, you know? Just stay out of it, OK? 66 00:04:44,183 --> 00:04:47,880 All right, all right. I'm neutral. I'm Switzerland. I have no opinion. 67 00:04:47,954 --> 00:04:50,218 - Hi, Dad. - Buddy. 68 00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:53,054 What's Nana gonna get me for my birthday? 69 00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:54,184 Well, I don't know, honey. 70 00:04:54,260 --> 00:04:57,286 You're just gonna have to wait and see when she gets here. 71 00:04:57,363 --> 00:05:00,662 Birthday boy. Or should I say birthday man? 72 00:05:00,733 --> 00:05:03,634 A year older. That peach fuzz is turning into a little five o'clock shadow. 73 00:05:03,703 --> 00:05:06,297 (both grunt) 74 00:05:06,372 --> 00:05:09,671 I ordered the balloons and the pinata today. 75 00:05:10,410 --> 00:05:12,674 Well, cancel the order. 76 00:05:12,745 --> 00:05:15,009 This kid is the big 0-8. 77 00:05:15,081 --> 00:05:17,743 Halfway to driving age. I'm thinking... 78 00:05:17,817 --> 00:05:19,682 Indy 500 birthday. 79 00:05:19,752 --> 00:05:21,743 Checkered flags, maybe food... 80 00:05:21,821 --> 00:05:25,917 Ah, I'm starting to get it. We could make a cake in the shape of a car. 81 00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:28,483 Racecar cake. Oh! 82 00:05:28,561 --> 00:05:32,053 Penske Lola chassis, titanium valves and all that stuff. Kevlar tub. 83 00:05:32,131 --> 00:05:34,224 (both grunt) 84 00:05:34,300 --> 00:05:36,564 Come on, honey. Join in. Let's grunt as a family. 85 00:05:36,636 --> 00:05:38,797 (all grunt) 86 00:05:40,873 --> 00:05:42,397 (doorbell rings) 87 00:05:42,475 --> 00:05:46,343 That's my mom. Brad - Randy - Mark! Go and comb your hair. 88 00:05:46,412 --> 00:05:48,141 Tim? 89 00:05:48,214 --> 00:05:50,546 - I have no opinion. - Good. 90 00:05:51,984 --> 00:05:54,282 She's a little early. I didn't have time to widen the doorframe. 91 00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:56,618 No more fat jokes. 92 00:05:56,689 --> 00:05:58,281 Tim, Tim! 93 00:06:00,893 --> 00:06:02,986 - Ta-da! - Whoa! 94 00:06:03,896 --> 00:06:07,957 Where's the rest of you? Are you coming in shifts? 95 00:06:09,135 --> 00:06:11,626 - Mom! - Ta-da! 96 00:06:12,638 --> 00:06:14,902 You didn't tell me you lost all that weight. Are you all right? 97 00:06:14,974 --> 00:06:17,738 Oh, I'm fine. I wanted to surprise you. 98 00:06:17,810 --> 00:06:23,146 - Well, you did. Mom, you look sensational. - Oh, thank you. 99 00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:24,843 - Well? - (Nana) Well, well... 100 00:06:24,917 --> 00:06:30,685 You do look sensational. I can't remember being able to hug you and touch my hand. 101 00:06:30,757 --> 00:06:32,748 - Well, here, come on. Sit down. - Here, I'll take your coat. 102 00:06:32,825 --> 00:06:36,522 All right, thank you. Oh, my, Jill. 103 00:06:36,596 --> 00:06:39,190 Oh, honey. This looks very nice. 104 00:06:39,265 --> 00:06:42,632 Well, thank you. I didn't even have time to clean. 105 00:06:42,702 --> 00:06:45,102 Oh. How is that new job going? 106 00:06:45,171 --> 00:06:49,107 It's good, it's great. You know, it's just that 107 00:06:49,175 --> 00:06:53,669 it's kinda hard 'cause I have to juggle the kids, and the job, and the time is always... 108 00:06:53,746 --> 00:06:57,876 Oh, well. Life is hard. You just have to buck up and do it. 109 00:06:58,785 --> 00:07:01,515 Right. Right. 110 00:07:02,488 --> 00:07:04,786 Well, Mom, you really... you look amazing. 111 00:07:04,857 --> 00:07:06,290 Oh, well, thank you, honey. 112 00:07:06,359 --> 00:07:09,055 - I owe it all to Tim. - How's that? 113 00:07:09,128 --> 00:07:15,033 Those Nana jokes on Tool Time were the best motivation a fat person could have. 114 00:07:15,101 --> 00:07:18,798 What jokes? I wouldn't make jokes about you on the air. 115 00:07:18,871 --> 00:07:20,429 - Oh, you wouldn't, would you? - No. 116 00:07:20,506 --> 00:07:22,133 Well, does this sound familiar? 117 00:07:22,208 --> 00:07:27,168 What weighs 400lbs 2oz and sings in the shower? 118 00:07:27,246 --> 00:07:30,409 Nana holding a bar of soap. 119 00:07:34,353 --> 00:07:36,583 That's funny, though. 120 00:07:37,690 --> 00:07:39,624 - Did you tell her I said that? - No. 121 00:07:39,692 --> 00:07:41,557 You don't get Tool Time in Texas. 122 00:07:41,627 --> 00:07:43,686 - We bought a satellite dish. - Oh. 123 00:07:43,763 --> 00:07:46,231 All the neighbors... 124 00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:50,064 All the neighbors come over to watch the show. 125 00:07:50,136 --> 00:07:52,798 - Dad and I are real celebrities. - Hey, good. 126 00:07:52,872 --> 00:07:56,603 Yes. Of course, I tell everyone my son-in-law is Al. 127 00:07:59,979 --> 00:08:01,310 Do you want something to drink? Shot and a beer? 128 00:08:01,380 --> 00:08:05,646 Oh, Tim. Those days are over. It's grapefruit juice for me from now on. 129 00:08:05,718 --> 00:08:07,652 All right. 130 00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:10,956 Nothing for me, Tim. 131 00:08:11,824 --> 00:08:17,694 Hey, guys, come on down here. Hustle up. Half your grandma showed up. 132 00:08:19,665 --> 00:08:23,157 - Well, I'm sorry that Daddy couldn't come. - Oh, well. You know the colonel. 133 00:08:23,236 --> 00:08:28,435 He had to make one of his boring speeches at the officers' club. 134 00:08:29,742 --> 00:08:34,179 Well, it really... it is just incredible how great you look. It's just great. 135 00:08:34,247 --> 00:08:37,512 Oh, well, thank you, honey. You know, it's really a simple diet. 136 00:08:37,583 --> 00:08:42,111 I have a copy of it in the car. All it takes is a little willpower. 137 00:08:42,188 --> 00:08:44,679 - Nana! - Ooh, there's my boys. 138 00:08:44,757 --> 00:08:48,056 - Whoa, you're skinny. - Oh, well, thank you. 139 00:08:48,127 --> 00:08:51,221 - All right, fall in. Ten-hut. - (all) Hut. 140 00:08:51,297 --> 00:08:54,528 At ease, men. Now give me some sugar. 141 00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:56,090 Oh, Mark. 142 00:08:56,168 --> 00:08:58,966 My birthday boy. 143 00:08:59,038 --> 00:09:02,633 Randy, sweetie pie. Best sugar in town, right here. 144 00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:06,200 Oh, Brad, you handsome thing. How many dates have you had lately? 145 00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:10,739 - No, Mom. He's too young to date. - Oh, well, won't be long now. 146 00:09:10,816 --> 00:09:15,549 Oh, Jill, I remember your first date. It was Jake Tyler. He got... 147 00:09:15,621 --> 00:09:19,580 - Mom, nobody wants to hear this story. - Yeah, we do! Yeah! 148 00:09:19,659 --> 00:09:22,856 - I think we should hear it. - (Brad) Jake Tyler. 149 00:09:22,929 --> 00:09:27,059 - Actually, I have no opinion. - Oh, Jill, I can just see you. 150 00:09:27,133 --> 00:09:31,069 You had on that lime-green miniskirt that showed your cute little pudgy knees. 151 00:09:31,137 --> 00:09:32,900 I didn't have pudgy knees! 152 00:09:32,972 --> 00:09:36,169 But she was so nervous that night, instead of deodorant, 153 00:09:36,242 --> 00:09:39,643 she sprayed on insect repellent! 154 00:09:39,712 --> 00:09:42,476 It was only under one arm. It's not that funny. 155 00:09:42,548 --> 00:09:44,982 It's not that funny. 156 00:09:45,051 --> 00:09:49,613 But maybe next time you should just hang a No-Pest strip. 157 00:09:52,258 --> 00:09:55,921 - Did you bring us any candy? - Candy? Well, what do you think? 158 00:09:55,995 --> 00:09:58,395 Mom, Mom, please. Not before dinner. 159 00:09:58,464 --> 00:10:01,365 Oh, your mother's right. But I do have a surprise for you. 160 00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:05,461 There are presents for everyone out in the car. Go get 'em. 161 00:10:05,538 --> 00:10:06,903 I saw that. 162 00:10:06,973 --> 00:10:12,468 Well, one little candy bar won't hurt them. Isn't that right, Tim? 163 00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:16,640 I have no opinion. 164 00:10:16,716 --> 00:10:20,880 Oh, Jill. I can't wait for you to see what I got for you. 165 00:10:20,953 --> 00:10:22,284 - For me? - Yes. 166 00:10:22,355 --> 00:10:24,289 Since Dad and I are moving into that new condo, 167 00:10:24,357 --> 00:10:27,690 I've decided to give you and your sisters some things from the house. 168 00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:31,719 Oh, I've picked out something that I know has special meaning for you. 169 00:10:31,797 --> 00:10:33,822 Oh, I wonder if those boys can handle that box. 170 00:10:33,899 --> 00:10:38,859 - (Tim) I'll get it, Mom. - No. No. Better not. It's breakable. 171 00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:46,340 Something breakable. Something that has meaning. 172 00:10:46,412 --> 00:10:48,903 - Oh, gosh, I hope it's that clock. - Which clock? 173 00:10:48,981 --> 00:10:52,280 You know, that beautiful antique wood clock they have? 174 00:10:52,351 --> 00:10:55,149 The one that has that stupid chime that wakes me when we stay there? 175 00:10:55,221 --> 00:10:58,520 I love that clock. You know, when Daddy was moving us around 176 00:10:58,591 --> 00:11:01,355 from base to base and house to house all the time, 177 00:11:01,427 --> 00:11:06,831 no matter where we were, when I heard that clock, I always knew that I was home. 178 00:11:06,899 --> 00:11:09,629 All right. Thanks a lot, Brad. Put it on the table, honey. 179 00:11:09,702 --> 00:11:11,863 - Be careful, boys. - Guess what's in these boxes. 180 00:11:11,937 --> 00:11:14,667 Nana got Mark a drum set for his birthday. 181 00:11:14,740 --> 00:11:17,675 Yeah. Guys, let's go beat on them upstairs. 182 00:11:17,743 --> 00:11:18,903 Drums? 183 00:11:18,978 --> 00:11:21,845 You... you got him drums? 184 00:11:21,914 --> 00:11:26,078 - Lillian, do you really hate me that much? - Yes. 185 00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:30,319 Oh. Jill, I know you've had your eye on this for a long time. 186 00:11:30,389 --> 00:11:35,258 Oh, Mom! Whenever I look at it I'm just... I'm gonna think of... 187 00:11:35,327 --> 00:11:37,591 tea. It's a tea set. 188 00:11:37,663 --> 00:11:40,188 - That's right. Yeah. - Who's the rest of this stuff for? 189 00:11:40,266 --> 00:11:43,565 Oh, the candlesticks are for Katie, and the clock is for Robin. 190 00:11:43,636 --> 00:11:45,263 Robin. 191 00:11:46,172 --> 00:11:49,232 Well, I-I hope that she loves it as much as I love this. 192 00:11:49,308 --> 00:11:51,606 - Oh, good, honey. - (drumming) 193 00:11:51,677 --> 00:11:56,444 Ooh, I hear music. I'm going up to see my little Buddy Rich. 194 00:12:01,487 --> 00:12:05,617 Nice tea set. It's really... it's... That's chipped. What a shame. 195 00:12:05,691 --> 00:12:10,788 That means it's antique. And that's good. It's no reason to be upset. 196 00:12:10,863 --> 00:12:14,355 I'm not upset. I just thought that she should know how I feel about the clock. 197 00:12:14,433 --> 00:12:17,027 - Why don't you tell her? - Can't. 198 00:12:17,103 --> 00:12:19,628 Yes, you can. "Mom, I want the clock." 199 00:12:19,705 --> 00:12:21,764 That's not how we do things in my family. 200 00:12:21,841 --> 00:12:24,332 We don't talk about our feelings. You know that. 201 00:12:24,410 --> 00:12:28,073 Yes, I do know that. And this happens every time your mom comes to visit. 202 00:12:28,147 --> 00:12:30,240 And where does she get off, losing all that weight? 203 00:12:30,316 --> 00:12:32,045 You said she looks spectacular. 204 00:12:32,118 --> 00:12:35,246 Feeds me chicken, fried steak and gravy for 20 years. 205 00:12:35,321 --> 00:12:38,188 - Shows up here all thin, with drums. - Oh. 206 00:12:38,257 --> 00:12:41,920 Tells me my house looks..."nice." 207 00:12:43,829 --> 00:12:46,059 You know, I know what's going on here. You know what's going on here? 208 00:12:46,132 --> 00:12:48,862 - You know exactly what's go... - What, Tim? 209 00:12:49,535 --> 00:12:51,765 I have no opinion. 210 00:12:57,076 --> 00:13:00,773 There, now. I think that looks lovely. 211 00:13:00,846 --> 00:13:06,807 Yeah. Now we have a tea set, but we don't know what teatime is without a clock. 212 00:13:08,053 --> 00:13:09,850 Lillian, do you know what time it is? 213 00:13:09,922 --> 00:13:12,891 - No, I didn't put on my watch today. - Gosh darn it. 214 00:13:12,958 --> 00:13:15,791 There's a clock right here on the oven, Tim. 215 00:13:15,861 --> 00:13:21,697 I know, but those oven clocks are so small. What we need is a big old antique clock. 216 00:13:21,767 --> 00:13:24,099 Go to London. 217 00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:30,264 - Mom, what are you doing there? - I'm slicing marshmallows for the tires. 218 00:13:30,342 --> 00:13:32,503 Well, no. The tires are gonna be those chocolate doughnuts. 219 00:13:32,578 --> 00:13:34,842 Oh. Well, then the marshmallows can be the hubcaps. 220 00:13:35,014 --> 00:13:37,414 No. The peppermint candies are gonna be the hubcaps. 221 00:13:37,483 --> 00:13:39,417 I thought the marshmallows were gonna be the shock absorbers. 222 00:13:39,485 --> 00:13:42,079 Did anybody ask your opinion? 223 00:13:43,756 --> 00:13:45,815 I have no opinion. 224 00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:51,459 - Hi-ho, Tim. - Hi, Wilson. 225 00:13:51,530 --> 00:13:53,930 - Boy, you are just the man I wanna see. - Yeah? 226 00:13:53,999 --> 00:13:56,194 I've got a birthday present for Mark. 227 00:13:56,268 --> 00:13:59,362 Oh, that's nice of you, but I don't think I want to pierce his ears so early. 228 00:13:59,438 --> 00:14:03,101 No, no, no, no, no, Tim. It's not an earring. It's a dream catcher. 229 00:14:03,175 --> 00:14:05,735 Children of the Chippewa Indians hang them in their window at night 230 00:14:05,811 --> 00:14:07,301 to catch the bad dreams. 231 00:14:07,379 --> 00:14:11,839 Then in the morning the sunshine whisks the bad dreams away. 232 00:14:11,917 --> 00:14:16,445 You got anything that'll whisk a mother-in-law away? 233 00:14:16,522 --> 00:14:19,116 - Nana problems, Tim? - Nah, nah. 234 00:14:19,191 --> 00:14:20,783 It's Jill. 235 00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:24,921 She thinks her mom doesn't understand her, but she never tells her how she feels, 236 00:14:24,997 --> 00:14:27,989 so her mom doesn't really understand that she doesn't understand. 237 00:14:28,067 --> 00:14:31,434 - I understand. - What is it with women? 238 00:14:31,503 --> 00:14:34,870 Her mom brought gifts. She gave Jill a tea set and gave her sister Robin this clock. 239 00:14:34,940 --> 00:14:40,071 Well, Jill wants the clock. Why can't she just say, "I want the clock"? 240 00:14:40,145 --> 00:14:41,874 Well, Tim, these are complicated things 241 00:14:41,947 --> 00:14:44,780 and it has been a few years since I read My Mother. My Self 242 00:14:44,850 --> 00:14:47,250 (whistles) Whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. 243 00:14:47,319 --> 00:14:50,914 Back the bookmobile up. 244 00:14:50,990 --> 00:14:54,289 You read a book called My Mother/My Self? 245 00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:56,988 It was the '70s, Tim. It was an open time. 246 00:14:57,463 --> 00:15:01,456 I remember the '70s. Mood rings... eight-track cassettes. 247 00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:04,597 You see, Tim, once the baby girl comes out of the mother's womb, 248 00:15:04,670 --> 00:15:08,162 she spends the rest of her life trying to separate from her. 249 00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:09,673 They are separate. They live in different states. 250 00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:13,644 No, no. No, Tim, I'm talking about emotional separation. 251 00:15:13,712 --> 00:15:15,942 You see, subconsciously, Jill may feel 252 00:15:16,015 --> 00:15:18,176 that if she doesn't want what her mother gives her, 253 00:15:18,250 --> 00:15:21,447 she's being disloyal to the person who gave her life. 254 00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:24,921 What? Why do women get so confused about this stuff? 255 00:15:24,990 --> 00:15:29,427 I lived in a family of all boys. We were very clear about our communication. 256 00:15:29,495 --> 00:15:33,625 If I wanted something my brother had, I'd knock him down and take it. 257 00:15:34,099 --> 00:15:36,567 Well, that's very effective, but crude. 258 00:15:36,635 --> 00:15:39,263 Right. You know, I think I could help these two ladies out. 259 00:15:39,338 --> 00:15:42,205 If I could just sit them down and tell them exactly what's going on. 260 00:15:42,274 --> 00:15:43,707 No, no, no, Tim. 261 00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:46,768 Throughout history, many truths have passed from man to man, 262 00:15:46,845 --> 00:15:50,212 and the one truth that transcends all cultures is: 263 00:15:50,282 --> 00:15:54,150 "When mother-in-law visits, man should stay in garage." 264 00:15:55,321 --> 00:15:56,583 I got a lot of work to do on the hot rod. 265 00:15:56,655 --> 00:16:00,614 Might as well just close the door and start her up. (grunts) 266 00:16:02,695 --> 00:16:06,791 Oh, Lillian, you've finished the cake. Mark's gonna love that. It's beautiful. 267 00:16:06,865 --> 00:16:08,730 Tim, I want to talk to you about Jill. 268 00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:10,166 - I think she's upset. - I'm going to the garage. 269 00:16:10,235 --> 00:16:14,638 She ate up all the hubcaps, and then she went upstairs. 270 00:16:14,707 --> 00:16:16,470 I gotta do some work on the hot rod, OK? Please? Please? 271 00:16:16,542 --> 00:16:19,636 - Tim. - Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh... 272 00:16:22,047 --> 00:16:24,481 - Tim. - (groans) 273 00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:28,886 I think I know why Jill is so tense. 274 00:16:28,954 --> 00:16:31,354 - You do? - Yes. 275 00:16:32,558 --> 00:16:34,185 So she shared her feelings with you? 276 00:16:34,259 --> 00:16:37,023 - Well, not in so many words. - Well? 277 00:16:37,096 --> 00:16:39,121 - But I think it's pretty clear... - Uh-huh? 278 00:16:39,198 --> 00:16:41,723 ...that you two are having intimacy problems. 279 00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:43,961 (clunk) 280 00:16:45,771 --> 00:16:48,934 What? No. No. No. 281 00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:52,842 It's nothing to be embarrassed about. This sort of thing can happen after 15 years. 282 00:16:52,911 --> 00:16:56,813 Stop... Don't... Come on... Put it... Here, here. 283 00:16:59,485 --> 00:17:01,612 I'm still happening. 284 00:17:01,687 --> 00:17:04,121 Well, all right, but if you and Jill are having problems... 285 00:17:04,189 --> 00:17:06,817 It's not between me and Jill. 286 00:17:07,726 --> 00:17:10,194 It's between you and Jill. 287 00:17:10,262 --> 00:17:12,526 What are you talking about? 288 00:17:12,598 --> 00:17:16,557 She doesn't want the tea set, she wants the clock. 289 00:17:16,635 --> 00:17:19,160 - The clock? - Yeah. 290 00:17:19,238 --> 00:17:23,072 - Well, why didn't she just tell me? - Well, I just don't know. 291 00:17:23,142 --> 00:17:26,771 It's a mother-daughter emotional separation thing, or something. 292 00:17:26,845 --> 00:17:28,403 I came from a family of all guys. 293 00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:31,847 We were very clear about our emotional separations. 294 00:17:31,917 --> 00:17:34,818 I hit my brother, I laugh, he cries. 295 00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:38,580 What? 296 00:17:38,657 --> 00:17:43,356 I can't explain it. You gotta read the book Hey. Mother. I'm Selfish 297 00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:50,493 - Go! - Go, Tiffany! 298 00:17:50,569 --> 00:17:52,537 Tim, can you help me with the hamburgers? 299 00:17:52,604 --> 00:17:54,834 - In a minute, in a minute, all right? - I'll help you, Jill. 300 00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:56,932 I'm gaining on you now. I'm gaining on you! I'm gaining... 301 00:17:57,009 --> 00:17:59,170 - I win! - (cheering) 302 00:18:00,312 --> 00:18:03,440 - Dad, she beat you again. - I got eyes, pal. 303 00:18:03,515 --> 00:18:06,575 Sorry, Mr. Taylor. I didn't mean to win. 304 00:18:06,652 --> 00:18:11,282 Don't get cocky, OK? You're not champion around here until you win... 305 00:18:11,356 --> 00:18:13,688 five out of nine. 306 00:18:14,126 --> 00:18:18,460 Hey. You better start losing real quick or else you're gonna be here all night. 307 00:18:18,530 --> 00:18:20,498 (whistles) Junior. 308 00:18:20,566 --> 00:18:22,033 OK, here we go. 309 00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:25,093 Three, two... Is that a dolly? 310 00:18:25,170 --> 00:18:26,762 One. 311 00:18:40,252 --> 00:18:43,847 Jill, why didn't you tell me you wanted that clock? 312 00:18:44,289 --> 00:18:46,382 I don't want that clock. Who said I wanted the clock? 313 00:18:46,458 --> 00:18:48,358 Tim told me. 314 00:18:49,261 --> 00:18:53,698 - He wasn't supposed to get involved. - Well, I charmed it out of him. 315 00:18:53,765 --> 00:18:56,199 It's no big deal, Mom. It doesn't matter. 316 00:18:56,268 --> 00:18:58,429 Well, apparently it is. 317 00:18:58,504 --> 00:19:01,769 He says that we don't talk, that we don't share feelings. 318 00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:04,240 Now, that's not true, is it? 319 00:19:04,309 --> 00:19:05,867 Well, in a way, Mom. 320 00:19:05,944 --> 00:19:09,505 I mean, you're always the one that's saying we shouldn't get emotional. 321 00:19:09,581 --> 00:19:13,142 When did I ever say anything like that? 322 00:19:13,218 --> 00:19:16,210 - All the time. - When? 323 00:19:17,789 --> 00:19:19,723 OK. For example... 324 00:19:20,592 --> 00:19:23,117 There was that time in Virginia. 325 00:19:23,195 --> 00:19:25,220 I was playing in the sandbox and you came up to tell me 326 00:19:25,297 --> 00:19:30,826 that we were moving for the third time in two years, and I started to cry. 327 00:19:30,903 --> 00:19:35,738 And you said, "Don't get emotional. Crying isn't going to help." 328 00:19:35,807 --> 00:19:39,607 "We're a military family, this is who we are." 329 00:19:42,381 --> 00:19:44,747 Well, I'm sorry, honey, but I don't remember that. 330 00:19:44,816 --> 00:19:47,182 It was an important conversation, Mom. 331 00:19:47,252 --> 00:19:53,088 Jill, I had five daughters. There were lots of important conversations. 332 00:19:54,626 --> 00:19:56,821 Well, of course you're right. I'm sorry I brought it up. 333 00:19:56,895 --> 00:20:00,592 All right. Now, you just hold it right there, young lady. 334 00:20:00,666 --> 00:20:04,432 Now, all that moving was hard on the whole family, and your father knew that. 335 00:20:04,503 --> 00:20:07,370 Seeing us upset would have made things worse for him. 336 00:20:07,439 --> 00:20:09,634 We all had to be good little soldiers. 337 00:20:09,708 --> 00:20:12,643 Yeah. Yeah, I remember all that "good little soldier" stuff. 338 00:20:12,711 --> 00:20:15,236 Having to keep the house in perfect shape. 339 00:20:15,314 --> 00:20:18,750 Lining us up in our perfect little dresses with all the other officers' kids. 340 00:20:18,817 --> 00:20:22,719 Yes, that's right. We were mean, lean and clean. 341 00:20:22,788 --> 00:20:24,050 But we had fun, too. 342 00:20:24,122 --> 00:20:30,459 You and your sisters played hopscotch and jacks just like all the other little girls. 343 00:20:30,529 --> 00:20:32,861 You and I had our teatime. 344 00:20:32,931 --> 00:20:36,332 - We had our what? - Teatime. 345 00:20:36,401 --> 00:20:41,805 We'd have tea and cookies, but I'd tell you we were having tea and crumpets. 346 00:20:41,873 --> 00:20:47,038 Then when your father came home you'd tell him we had tea and puppets. 347 00:20:47,112 --> 00:20:49,478 "Tea and puppets"? I said that? 348 00:20:49,548 --> 00:20:52,517 That is so cute. How could you stand me? 349 00:20:55,153 --> 00:20:57,815 Sometimes I couldn't. 350 00:20:59,424 --> 00:21:02,723 So that's why you wanted me to have the tea set? 351 00:21:02,794 --> 00:21:05,024 Well, yes. I... 352 00:21:05,097 --> 00:21:08,965 I know you look at that tea set and you see some old cups and a chipped saucer, 353 00:21:09,034 --> 00:21:13,437 but I look at that tea set and I see you. 354 00:21:15,374 --> 00:21:19,868 I'm sorry, Mom. I... just didn't remember. 355 00:21:22,881 --> 00:21:26,715 Well, whichever gift you want is fine with me, dear. 356 00:21:28,487 --> 00:21:30,887 Well, now I want both. 357 00:21:34,593 --> 00:21:37,824 Jillian Patterson, you have to share with your sisters. 358 00:21:37,896 --> 00:21:39,830 I don't know why you had to give me so many sisters anyway. 359 00:21:39,898 --> 00:21:41,957 Oh, hush. 360 00:21:49,574 --> 00:21:51,769 (shouts of encouragement) 361 00:21:57,516 --> 00:21:59,507 Yay! 362 00:22:01,353 --> 00:22:04,516 Hey, Dad, she beat you again. 363 00:22:04,589 --> 00:22:07,854 - That was pretty lame. - Hang it up, old man. 364 00:22:07,926 --> 00:22:10,520 Can I go play with my friends now? 365 00:22:10,595 --> 00:22:13,587 You know, you're starting to tick me off a little bit. 366 00:22:13,665 --> 00:22:16,532 Championship round. One more race. Winner take all. 367 00:22:16,601 --> 00:22:20,002 But I think I blew the motor in my car. 368 00:22:20,072 --> 00:22:25,100 So I've got a little secret weapon down here that I built. 369 00:22:25,177 --> 00:22:30,342 - Hey, what's that, Dad? - I took the motor out of the DustBuster. 370 00:22:32,084 --> 00:22:37,545 All right, ready? Winner take all. Last race. Three, two, one, go! 371 00:22:56,041 --> 00:22:59,374 (woman) This time when you cheer, you can make noise. 372 00:22:59,778 --> 00:23:01,769 What a novel idea. 373 00:23:02,714 --> 00:23:06,047 Have we ever worked with children before here? 374 00:23:06,118 --> 00:23:10,111 (woman) Five, four, three, two. 375 00:23:14,726 --> 00:23:16,557 - No, no, Tim. - What? 376 00:23:16,628 --> 00:23:20,621 - (girl) It's your line. - (woman) Don't get cocky, Tim.