1
00:00:02,836 --> 00:00:04,827
Like me, if you have a problem with space,
2
00:00:04,904 --> 00:00:08,704
well, you can't do better than
the Binford 61 00 telescopic ladder.
3
00:00:08,775 --> 00:00:13,474
lf you're like Al, you'll need more than
a ladder to solve your problems.
4
00:00:13,546 --> 00:00:17,107
The beauty of this ladder
is that, closed, it's only 2 1 2 feet tall.
5
00:00:17,183 --> 00:00:20,516
With a simple tug,
it expands to 1 2 1 2 feet.
6
00:00:20,587 --> 00:00:23,488
You just pull...
Oh, this is jammed or something, Al.
7
00:00:29,696 --> 00:00:33,462
l'll just climb up there
and show ya how sturdy this is.
8
00:00:33,533 --> 00:00:36,331
The Binford telescopic ladder,
just as supportive -
9
00:00:36,403 --> 00:00:38,803
- Tim, you might wanna...
- Could l finish, Al?
10
00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:42,672
- l just want ya to be careful so you don't -
- Aah!
11
00:00:50,417 --> 00:00:53,853
The Binford 61 00 telescopic ladder.
12
00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:58,186
Perfectly safe for those of you
who read the safety instructions.
13
00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:05,729
(end of music segment/
applause and cheering)
14
00:01:06,766 --> 00:01:10,167
All right. Now is the time
we go to our mailbag.
15
00:01:10,236 --> 00:01:13,330
That's right. Viewers write in
their questions, and l answer them.
16
00:01:13,406 --> 00:01:16,273
And l give the correct information.
17
00:01:16,342 --> 00:01:19,243
You're just a superhighway
of information, Al.
18
00:01:19,312 --> 00:01:21,405
lf you wanna contact Al
via the computer,
19
00:01:21,481 --> 00:01:24,075
he's on e-mail in the Flannel Net.
20
00:01:24,150 --> 00:01:26,675
Heidi, my mailbag, please.
21
00:01:29,022 --> 00:01:32,355
- Here you are, Tim.
- Thank you.
22
00:01:34,194 --> 00:01:39,689
''Dear Tim and Al, my wife says l spend too
much money at the hardware store.
23
00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:43,566
''What percentage of our budget
should l spend on tools?
24
00:01:43,636 --> 00:01:45,695
Signed, Confused in Lansing.''
25
00:01:45,772 --> 00:01:49,401
Take your entire budget, subtract your
house payment, if there is one,
26
00:01:49,476 --> 00:01:52,604
utilities, phone, add up that total,
27
00:01:52,679 --> 00:01:56,740
and forget about it and buy whatever
you want, huh? Ha-ha!
28
00:01:56,816 --> 00:02:01,344
Remembering to leave a little aside
for your future divorce lawyer.
29
00:02:02,122 --> 00:02:05,922
Whoa, this letter's from
Western Michigan University.
30
00:02:05,992 --> 00:02:08,017
That's where my wife and l
went to college.
31
00:02:08,094 --> 00:02:11,757
They must've seen our show,
and they want their diploma back.
32
00:02:16,369 --> 00:02:18,530
Couldn't be further from the truth.
Listen.
33
00:02:18,605 --> 00:02:21,733
''Dear Tim, in recognition
of the fine work you do,
34
00:02:21,808 --> 00:02:25,938
we would like to bestow upon
you an honorary Ph.D.''
35
00:02:26,012 --> 00:02:28,344
Arr-arr-arr.
36
00:02:28,414 --> 00:02:31,144
Arr-arr-arr.
37
00:02:32,952 --> 00:02:36,911
Oh, now wait a second. Your alma mater
wants to give you a doctorate?
38
00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:40,118
That's right. Yeah.
39
00:02:40,193 --> 00:02:43,629
From now on, you'll be
standing next to a doctor.
40
00:02:43,696 --> 00:02:46,563
Which would make you my nurse.
41
00:03:41,154 --> 00:03:45,784
Oh, no. Mom's giving away
our toys to charity again.
42
00:03:46,693 --> 00:03:49,423
l hate when she does that.
43
00:03:50,330 --> 00:03:52,423
We told her to keep the toys
and give you away,
44
00:03:52,498 --> 00:03:56,093
but no charity would take ya.
45
00:03:56,169 --> 00:03:58,660
When will you grow up
and stop playing with toys?
46
00:03:58,738 --> 00:04:01,707
Hey, not all of this stuff is mine.
47
00:04:01,774 --> 00:04:04,004
l believe this is
your whoopee cushion.
48
00:04:04,844 --> 00:04:08,211
Hey, not the Gas Master.
49
00:04:08,281 --> 00:04:09,839
This is a family heirloom.
50
00:04:09,916 --> 00:04:14,182
Taylor men have been sliding it under
unsuspecting butts for generations.
51
00:04:15,121 --> 00:04:19,148
Wait a second, Mom cannot
give away my dart gun.
52
00:04:24,364 --> 00:04:28,198
Glad l talked Mom
out of buying you a BB gun.
53
00:04:29,535 --> 00:04:30,968
What's the box?
54
00:04:31,037 --> 00:04:33,870
Mom's giving away our toys
to charity again.
55
00:04:33,940 --> 00:04:37,068
She can't give away our toys.
56
00:04:37,810 --> 00:04:41,473
Especially not my spring-loaded eyeballs.
l love these things.
57
00:04:44,050 --> 00:04:46,177
Guys, you won't believe
what happened today.
58
00:04:46,252 --> 00:04:49,415
l got a Ph.D. from
Western Michigan University.
59
00:04:54,594 --> 00:04:57,461
You?
60
00:04:57,530 --> 00:05:01,159
You sure it's not a Ph.D-minus?
61
00:05:04,337 --> 00:05:08,967
No, wise guy. lt's an honorary Ph.D. from
the engineering department.
62
00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:11,636
Whoa-oa-oa.
63
00:05:12,612 --> 00:05:15,581
You got a degree when
you didn't even earn it?
64
00:05:15,648 --> 00:05:19,106
Can l get that type of deal
for high school?
65
00:05:19,185 --> 00:05:23,281
l hope so.
lt's your only shot at graduating.
66
00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:43,105
This is why we're
getting rid of those toys.
67
00:05:43,976 --> 00:05:46,103
- So how was your day?
- Horrible.
68
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:49,342
My behavioral psych professor
has assigned yet another paper.
69
00:05:49,415 --> 00:05:54,546
l haven't finished the first one.
l have to read these books by the weekend.
70
00:05:54,620 --> 00:05:58,215
- What did you do today?
- Got a Ph.D.
71
00:06:03,663 --> 00:06:06,894
- Very funny.
- Funny, huh?
72
00:06:06,966 --> 00:06:11,300
Check out the letter
from Western Michigan.
73
00:06:14,674 --> 00:06:17,837
You barely graduated, and they're giving
you an honorary degree?
74
00:06:18,578 --> 00:06:23,140
Makes me wonder why l worked so hard
for the first one.
75
00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:26,879
You didn't work at all.
You partied the whole time.
76
00:06:26,953 --> 00:06:30,616
And the celebration continues.
77
00:06:33,092 --> 00:06:35,856
(pounding)
78
00:06:40,633 --> 00:06:43,500
- Tim, l'm trying to study here.
- l understand.
79
00:06:43,569 --> 00:06:46,732
You're working hard to get
your advanced degree, too.
80
00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:53,670
What are you doing?
81
00:06:53,746 --> 00:06:57,682
l'm hanging up that letter
that says l'm gonna get a Ph.D.
82
00:07:00,953 --> 00:07:04,445
- You framed the letter?
- Yeah.
83
00:07:04,524 --> 00:07:07,493
l framed the envelope it came in, too.
84
00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:10,120
(phone rings)
85
00:07:12,665 --> 00:07:17,227
Hello.
Yes, this is Dr. Taylor.
86
00:07:20,540 --> 00:07:23,441
Harry, real funny.
Ha-ha-ha. Yeah.
87
00:07:23,509 --> 00:07:27,036
He's calling me
Tim ''The School Man'' Taylor.
88
00:07:27,747 --> 00:07:32,582
- Harry is droll.
- Huh? What? She called you a troll.
89
00:07:34,320 --> 00:07:36,311
All right, l'll stop by
the hardware store.
90
00:07:36,389 --> 00:07:39,415
Thanks. Bye. That was nice
of him to call, wasn't it?
91
00:07:39,492 --> 00:07:43,986
- Yeah, it's really sweet. l've got to study.
- All right, no more interruptions.
92
00:07:44,063 --> 00:07:46,657
(doorbell rings)
93
00:07:49,368 --> 00:07:51,768
l have a delivery for a Dr. Taylor.
94
00:07:54,941 --> 00:07:58,877
Hey, Doc, how do l get rid of
this big wart on my hand?
95
00:07:58,945 --> 00:08:02,176
Ball-peen hammer, chisel.
lt'll pop right off.
96
00:08:03,850 --> 00:08:05,841
Thanks, Doc.
97
00:08:11,524 --> 00:08:14,254
- Jill, you didn't have to do this.
- l didn't.
98
00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:17,819
Gosh, somebody really went overboard.
Who'd send such a huge arrangement?
99
00:08:17,897 --> 00:08:21,526
Your mom and dad.
100
00:08:21,601 --> 00:08:23,865
- What?
- They said, ''Dear son...''
101
00:08:23,936 --> 00:08:28,236
They called me ''son'' instead
of ''Hey, you.'' l like that.
102
00:08:28,307 --> 00:08:32,266
''lt's great to have Ph.D. in the family.
Love, Lillian and the Colonel.''
103
00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:37,078
- l can't believe they did this.
- l can't believe it, either.
104
00:08:37,149 --> 00:08:40,846
They barely acknowledge me going back
to school. Now they send you flowers?
105
00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:44,185
Come on, Jill.
They're proud of my accomplishments.
106
00:08:44,257 --> 00:08:49,194
- Accomplishments?
- Well, yeah.
107
00:08:49,262 --> 00:08:54,063
l teach people from all walks of life
108
00:08:54,133 --> 00:08:58,536
the complexities of tool usage
in an ever-changing world.
109
00:09:01,307 --> 00:09:03,673
l believe l've actually
bridged the gap
110
00:09:03,743 --> 00:09:07,873
between the world of hardware
and academia.
111
00:09:07,947 --> 00:09:11,747
Now you just need to bridge the gap
between fantasy and reality.
112
00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:22,951
- Hey, Wilson.
- Well, hi-ho, fairest of the Taylors.
113
00:09:23,029 --> 00:09:26,624
- Jill, what time do you have?
- Uh, 8:33.
114
00:09:26,699 --> 00:09:31,568
Uh-uh-uh-uh. My new sundial seems to
be running a bit slow.
115
00:09:32,471 --> 00:09:36,271
Maybe you should noodle
with your gnomon.
116
00:09:36,342 --> 00:09:39,505
l beg your pardon.
117
00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:43,174
The gnomon - it's that crossbar there.
lt should be pointing north.
118
00:09:43,249 --> 00:09:46,343
Oh, ho-ho, well, thank you, Jill.
119
00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:49,513
lt's such a pleasure having
a knowledgeable neighborette.
120
00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:53,616
Huh! l may be knowledgeable,
but Tim's the one getting the Ph.D.
121
00:09:53,693 --> 00:09:56,321
(chuckles)
122
00:09:57,630 --> 00:10:00,428
Knowledgeable and funny, funny, funny.
123
00:10:01,934 --> 00:10:05,426
- l'm not kiddin'. Didn't Tim tell you?
- No.
124
00:10:05,504 --> 00:10:11,067
Western Michigan is giving
Tim an honorary doctorate.
125
00:10:11,143 --> 00:10:14,237
Tim?
126
00:10:14,313 --> 00:10:17,874
Yeah. Here l am killing myself
to get an advanced degree.
127
00:10:17,950 --> 00:10:20,714
They just hand him one.
l'm trying not to be - l just can't -
128
00:10:20,786 --> 00:10:22,549
Well, well, well.
Jill, Jill, Jill.
129
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:25,557
l've never been a proponent
of symbolic gestures,
130
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:29,356
but Tim is your husband,
he is my neighbor.
131
00:10:29,428 --> 00:10:33,694
- We should be happy.
- (sighs) You're right.
132
00:10:34,433 --> 00:10:36,833
A Ph.D.?
133
00:10:39,171 --> 00:10:45,110
Tim? Aw, Jill, Jill,
Jill, Jill...
134
00:10:46,445 --> 00:10:48,675
Do you realize how many hours
l had to study
135
00:10:48,748 --> 00:10:53,811
to get my doctorate in forgotten languages
and extinct cultures? Oh, my, my, my.
136
00:10:53,886 --> 00:10:56,878
Sitting in that library,
reading that insufferable microfilm
137
00:10:56,956 --> 00:11:00,289
till l thought l would
practically go blind?
138
00:11:00,359 --> 00:11:06,559
Not to mention that to support myself,
l volunteered for lab experiments. Oh, oh.
139
00:11:06,632 --> 00:11:09,226
What really irritates me
about this whole thing...
140
00:11:09,301 --> 00:11:13,260
- Wilson!
- Jill, Jill, talk me down, talk me down.
141
00:11:17,610 --> 00:11:20,306
l came out here
so you'd talk me down.
142
00:11:20,379 --> 00:11:24,281
- Oh, l'm sorry, Jill. l just lost control.
- l know. lt's OK, it's OK.
143
00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:28,116
What can l say here that might
put this into perspective for both of us?
144
00:11:28,187 --> 00:11:31,122
Oh, yes. The late senator
Dwight Morrow said
145
00:11:31,190 --> 00:11:34,591
there are people who
do things and people who take the credit,
146
00:11:34,660 --> 00:11:39,927
and the trick is to be in the first group.
There's a lot less competition.
147
00:11:39,999 --> 00:11:42,490
- l see what you're sayin'.
- You feel any better?
148
00:11:42,568 --> 00:11:45,230
- Not at all.
- Me, neither.
149
00:11:45,938 --> 00:11:47,929
On the other hand, it is a honor for Tim,
150
00:11:48,007 --> 00:11:50,271
and we have to put
our negative feelings aside
151
00:11:50,342 --> 00:11:53,038
and just find a way to cheer him on.
152
00:11:53,112 --> 00:11:58,482
Well, l know. He should be allowed to
enjoy this. l should be more supportive
153
00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:02,510
And if the university is giving him a Ph.D.,
they must feel he is a worthy recipient.
154
00:12:02,588 --> 00:12:06,547
(thumping)
155
00:12:19,605 --> 00:12:23,097
Obviously they know something we don't.
156
00:12:28,514 --> 00:12:32,143
- Does everybody know what time it is?
- (all) Tool Time!
157
00:12:32,218 --> 00:12:35,187
Binford Tools is proud to present
the star of our show -
158
00:12:35,254 --> 00:12:39,054
Dr. Tim ''The Tool Man'' Taylor.
159
00:12:44,897 --> 00:12:49,834
Thank you, and welcome to Tool Time
l am Dr. Tim ''The Tool Man'' Taylor,
160
00:12:49,902 --> 00:12:54,999
and you all know my assistant -
Al ''Ma Mater'' Borland.
161
00:12:55,074 --> 00:12:58,271
Yesterday, we talked about getting
insects out of your house.
162
00:12:58,344 --> 00:13:02,678
And if that didn't bug ya, today we're
gonna talk about rodent removal.
163
00:13:02,748 --> 00:13:06,149
We're gonna meet the man
who has a job no one else wants.
164
00:13:06,218 --> 00:13:09,244
Actually, Tim, l have that job.
165
00:13:12,691 --> 00:13:15,626
Let's do a warm Tool Time welcome to
the man who calls himself
166
00:13:15,694 --> 00:13:17,992
(like Arnold Schwarzenegger)
''The Verminator.''
167
00:13:18,063 --> 00:13:20,554
Duke Miller, come on out.
168
00:13:27,139 --> 00:13:29,972
- Congratulations on your Ph.D.
- Thank you very much, Duke.
169
00:13:30,042 --> 00:13:33,910
l myself attended a state-certified
rodent extermination school.
170
00:13:33,979 --> 00:13:37,540
Yeah? Where'd you go, Ratcliffe?
171
00:13:37,616 --> 00:13:41,177
No, but we did play them in football.
172
00:13:44,557 --> 00:13:48,391
So, anyway, what got you interested
in extermination?
173
00:13:48,460 --> 00:13:52,362
Well, Al, l've always loved animals.
174
00:13:54,633 --> 00:13:57,830
Show the studio audience and
everyone at home the tools of the trade.
175
00:13:57,903 --> 00:14:03,102
Sure thing. Now, displayed here on
the wall we have your basic glue boards.
176
00:14:03,175 --> 00:14:05,268
- They're very effective.
- Mm-hm.
177
00:14:05,344 --> 00:14:08,745
Now, these look to me to
be some type of a snap trap.
178
00:14:08,814 --> 00:14:11,476
That's right.
They come in a variety of sizes
179
00:14:11,550 --> 00:14:15,919
and accommodate both domestic
and imported cheeses.
180
00:14:18,357 --> 00:14:21,349
Next, we have a more sophisticated
kind of trap.
181
00:14:21,427 --> 00:14:23,418
l see that.
Vic, if you wanna come in here.
182
00:14:23,495 --> 00:14:27,022
Looks like a double-hinged door there,
a large eating area,
183
00:14:27,099 --> 00:14:29,590
and little glass skylights.
184
00:14:29,668 --> 00:14:32,193
(chuckles)
185
00:14:32,271 --> 00:14:35,763
Mice have a better pad than you do, Al.
186
00:14:36,609 --> 00:14:39,442
These are humane traps.
The mouse doesn't get killed.
187
00:14:39,511 --> 00:14:41,502
You can make him a pet.
188
00:14:41,580 --> 00:14:44,879
So the mouse goes in
the little door here and... Aah!
189
00:14:47,286 --> 00:14:48,913
Aah!
190
00:15:02,134 --> 00:15:04,625
This is it. Sangren Hall.
191
00:15:04,703 --> 00:15:09,231
Seems like yesterday l shot spit wads
at the ceiling. Now l'm getting a Ph.D.
192
00:15:09,308 --> 00:15:11,833
And we are so pleased
for you, aren't we, boys?
193
00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:15,108
(all. unenthused) Pleased, yeah.
194
00:15:15,180 --> 00:15:17,546
Honey, isn't this where we took sociology?
195
00:15:17,616 --> 00:15:19,607
Yeah. l got my first ''A'' in that class.
196
00:15:19,685 --> 00:15:23,177
- Dad, what'd you get?
- A lot of sleep.
197
00:15:23,255 --> 00:15:26,349
Dad, are all these people
getting fake degrees?
198
00:15:26,425 --> 00:15:28,985
No. Most of these people
had to work years to get 'em.
199
00:15:29,061 --> 00:15:31,723
Chumps.
200
00:15:32,464 --> 00:15:34,455
Dad, where's the bathroom?
201
00:15:34,533 --> 00:15:38,196
l believe it's still
down that hallway back there.
202
00:15:38,270 --> 00:15:42,866
When you get in there, see if your mom
is still mentioned in stall four.
203
00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:45,206
Hey, does everybody know
what time it is?
204
00:15:45,277 --> 00:15:49,509
- Ph.D. time.
- lt's great to see you again, Tim.
205
00:15:49,581 --> 00:15:52,141
And you would be?
206
00:15:52,217 --> 00:15:54,811
Your old philosophy teacher -
Professor Garver.
207
00:15:54,887 --> 00:15:59,915
Ah, yes, philosophy. ''l think,
therefore l am.'' Descartes.
208
00:15:59,992 --> 00:16:01,857
Good for a guy
who was never in class.
209
00:16:01,927 --> 00:16:07,388
l thought l was there,
therefore l probably was.
210
00:16:08,334 --> 00:16:12,327
l passed you,
therefore you're lucky.
211
00:16:13,739 --> 00:16:15,570
- This is my wife Jill.
- How do you do?
212
00:16:15,641 --> 00:16:18,838
- Nice to meet you.
- You must be very thrilled for Tim.
213
00:16:18,911 --> 00:16:22,039
Oh, thrilled doesn't begin
to describe how l feel.
214
00:16:22,114 --> 00:16:25,606
Ecstatic beyond belief.
Really, really proud.
215
00:16:25,684 --> 00:16:29,711
- We all are. Excuse me.
- Proud, proud, proud.
216
00:16:31,090 --> 00:16:33,957
- You're going overboard.
- l'm trying to be supportive.
217
00:16:34,026 --> 00:16:36,756
l know this is honorary,
but it means a lot to me.
218
00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:39,059
- Hi, Tim.
- Hi.
219
00:16:39,131 --> 00:16:41,827
Barbara Besson.
l'm on the fund-raising committee.
220
00:16:41,900 --> 00:16:43,458
Hi there.
This is my wife Jill.
221
00:16:43,535 --> 00:16:45,799
- Nice to meet you.
- Hello. Nice to meet you.
222
00:16:45,871 --> 00:16:48,271
Oh, Tim, it's really great
to have you back here.
223
00:16:48,340 --> 00:16:51,571
lt's really great
to be allowed back here.
224
00:16:51,643 --> 00:16:54,612
You are gonna do fantastic things
for this university.
225
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:58,673
l think we'll be able to build the new library
with the donations you'll help us get.
226
00:16:58,751 --> 00:17:02,915
- What are you talking about?
- You're a big celebrity in construction,
227
00:17:02,988 --> 00:17:07,220
and we'll be able to use you to solicit
contributions from the building community.
228
00:17:07,292 --> 00:17:10,625
- Solicit contributions.
- Mm, and he'll be wonderful at it.
229
00:17:10,696 --> 00:17:13,631
That's why l really pushed to have
him get this doctorate.
230
00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:17,260
Some members of the committee wanted to
give it to an award-winning poet.
231
00:17:17,336 --> 00:17:20,828
Like he could help us raise a dime.
232
00:17:24,510 --> 00:17:27,445
But that's not the only reason
you're giving Tim the degree.
233
00:17:27,513 --> 00:17:30,744
- They appreciate Tool Time. right?
- Tool Time?
234
00:17:30,816 --> 00:17:33,614
- My show.
- Oh, yes!
235
00:17:33,685 --> 00:17:37,917
l've never seen it, but l hear it's very cute.
See you at the podium.
236
00:17:37,990 --> 00:17:42,154
Cute, real cute. Feel like an idiot.
l feel like an idiot.
237
00:17:42,227 --> 00:17:45,492
The reason l'm here is because
they want a celebrity to solicit funds.
238
00:17:45,564 --> 00:17:48,897
Hey, hey, she just is from
the fund-raising committee.
239
00:17:48,967 --> 00:17:51,697
She doesn't represent
everybody at Western.
240
00:17:51,770 --> 00:17:54,898
Even if they give this to
you because you're a celebrity,
241
00:17:54,973 --> 00:17:56,998
you have a great show.
242
00:17:57,076 --> 00:18:00,876
Binford hired you because you did so
well in engineering at Western.
243
00:18:00,946 --> 00:18:04,404
- You believe that?
- Yes, l do. l'm sorry. l...
244
00:18:05,050 --> 00:18:07,109
l should've been
more supportive all along.
245
00:18:07,186 --> 00:18:12,283
l was feeling jealous because it's gonna be
so many years until l get my doctorate.
246
00:18:12,357 --> 00:18:15,224
The presentation of the Ph.D.s
is about to begin.
247
00:18:15,294 --> 00:18:20,391
By the time l get my Ph.D., l'll be too old to
remember what Ph.D. stands for.
248
00:18:20,466 --> 00:18:25,665
Don't feel bad. l'm just about to get one,
and l still don't know what it stands for.
249
00:18:27,639 --> 00:18:29,937
Knock 'em dead.
250
00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:37,177
Now we'd like to present
this year's honorary doctorate
251
00:18:37,249 --> 00:18:39,479
to an alumnus - class of '7 6.
252
00:18:39,551 --> 00:18:45,080
A man who, day in and day out,
teaches people that,
253
00:18:45,157 --> 00:18:49,491
with the right tools,
anything is possible.
254
00:18:50,629 --> 00:18:54,759
Let's give a warm Western Michigan
University welcome
255
00:18:54,833 --> 00:18:59,566
to Tim ''The Tool Man'' Taylor.
256
00:19:06,311 --> 00:19:08,370
Professor Hankey.
257
00:19:08,447 --> 00:19:10,210
Thank you.
258
00:19:11,517 --> 00:19:14,953
Ahem. Thank you all.
259
00:19:15,020 --> 00:19:17,352
l, uh... Oh, boy.
260
00:19:23,629 --> 00:19:25,187
Ahem.
261
00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:30,025
You know, the last time
l gave a speech at Western,
262
00:19:30,102 --> 00:19:34,061
l was actually in the dean's office.
Remember that?
263
00:19:34,139 --> 00:19:36,539
Trying to convince her
to not kick me out of school.
264
00:19:36,608 --> 00:19:39,475
l had those women's underpants
on my head.
265
00:19:40,712 --> 00:19:43,476
lt was frat week.
lt was a long time ago.
266
00:19:43,549 --> 00:19:47,280
He's dyin'.
267
00:19:47,352 --> 00:19:50,913
You know, my dad taught me years ago
that a tool in your hands
268
00:19:50,989 --> 00:19:53,082
keeps those hands out of trouble.
269
00:19:53,158 --> 00:19:55,149
What this university taught me
270
00:19:55,227 --> 00:19:58,719
was that education is perhaps
the greatest tool of 'em all.
271
00:19:58,797 --> 00:20:01,265
Of course, my first
couple years here,
272
00:20:01,333 --> 00:20:04,564
l thought a corkscrew
was the best tool...
273
00:20:07,339 --> 00:20:11,207
But seriously, l want you all to know
how much l appreciate this award.
274
00:20:11,276 --> 00:20:15,178
l really do. l also want you to know
l have nothing but respect for all of you
275
00:20:15,247 --> 00:20:18,478
who have put in years of work
to earn an advanced degree -
276
00:20:18,550 --> 00:20:25,581
one student out there in particular.
So here is to higher education.
277
00:20:29,595 --> 00:20:31,495
Let me help you.
278
00:20:31,563 --> 00:20:35,590
- Uh, watch your hand on that.
- Aah!
279
00:20:41,873 --> 00:20:45,309
l know how she feels,
l'll tell ya that.
280
00:20:47,412 --> 00:20:50,176
But that felt good there
just at the beginning of that.
281
00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:52,717
l've been there.
282
00:20:55,387 --> 00:20:59,619
Uh, l suppose you wanna
see me in your office.
283
00:21:02,394 --> 00:21:06,387
Well, it's time once again to dip into
the ol' mailbag. Heidi, the mailbag, please.
284
00:21:06,465 --> 00:21:10,697
l bet your anxious to read all those letters
congratulating you on your Ph.D.?
285
00:21:10,769 --> 00:21:13,294
l don't think we'll have time
to read them all, Al.
286
00:21:18,343 --> 00:21:20,641
l think we might.
287
00:21:27,486 --> 00:21:31,217
Todd from Toledo writes, ''Dear Tim,
when l heard you were getting a Ph.D.,
288
00:21:31,290 --> 00:21:35,351
three words came to mind -
Why not Al?''
289
00:21:45,103 --> 00:21:48,334
Thanks, Todd. ''He's the one
who works his tail off day in, day out.
290
00:21:48,407 --> 00:21:50,898
''lt's time for America
to cheer for Albert Borland,
291
00:21:50,976 --> 00:21:54,002
who slaves...''
l can't read this, Todd.
292
00:21:54,079 --> 00:21:56,980
Tirelessly.
293
00:22:02,254 --> 00:22:07,123
- How did you know what that said?
- l guessed.
294
00:22:08,827 --> 00:22:16,632
Did you, or is it possible
that Albert Borland is Todd from Toledo?
295
00:22:17,969 --> 00:22:21,700
How could you stoop
to something so dumb?
296
00:22:21,773 --> 00:22:23,798
l don't know.
297
00:22:24,409 --> 00:22:27,970
But there's no use reading this letter
from Andy from Akron.
298
00:22:41,593 --> 00:22:45,154
Actually, uh, Mr. Smarty Flannel,
299
00:22:45,230 --> 00:22:49,599
this is - further from the truth -
Here, look. ''Dear T...'' (laughs)
300
00:22:51,436 --> 00:22:55,065
The voice.
301
00:22:55,140 --> 00:22:57,404
(gibberish)