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Welcome to Tool Time.
l'm your host, Tim Taylor.
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You all know my assistant, Al Borland.
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Thank you, Al.
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00:00:08,942 --> 00:00:13,276
OK. Today's first segment
is about stuff that's stuck.
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And we're not talking about Tim
gluing his head to a table.
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We're talking nails,
screws and bolts that get stuck
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and seem impossible to remove.
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That's right. OK?
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- Problem:
- [suspenseful music]
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A mangled head of a screw here
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and the screwdriver
will not fit in the slot. Mon dieu.
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[French accent] How will l finish
building ze bridge?
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Solution: Use your hacksaw
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to cut a new slot at a right angle
to the old one.
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[French accent] Perfect.
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Screwdriver fits.
Now we finish ze bridge. Voil…!
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- All right. Problem:
- [suspenseful music]
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The nail head is too deep
to remove with a claw hammer.
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[French accent] Oh, mon dieu.
How will l build ze windmill?
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Solution: Use your trusty cat's paw.
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You simply pound it with your hammer,
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making sure that the cat's paw
goes underneath the nail head,
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then just pull.
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[cat screeching]
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Let's move on to Al's tricycle.
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Actually, this is my father's tricycle.
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l hope someday
to hand it down to my child.
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- Problem:
- [suspenseful music]
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Doing refurbishing you find
some bolts are rusted shut.
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That is a real problem.
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[suspenseful music]
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Solution: Use a little penetrating oil
on the rusty area.
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lt should work perfect every time.
[straining]
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[stammering] You're bending it!
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When they're really stuck like this
you can use a little heat to help out.
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Well, if you're gonna use a lot of
heat you want to wipe off the excess...
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...excess...
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You've completely destroyed my tricycle!
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[metal hitting floor]
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Well, look there.
The bolt came free.
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- lt's no longer a problem.
- [suspenseful music]
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Come on, Randy, hurry up.
l gotta take a shower.
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l thought you took one last night.
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- Now what do you think?
- Make that last year.
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My turn. Oh, what stinks?
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- Brad and it's still my turn.
- lt's not.
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- lt's my turn.
- Will you shut up?
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[whistles] Guys, guys, come on.
Knock it off.
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Mark, get in the shower. Brad, wait.
Randy, go dry off.
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- What is that smell?
- Brad.
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New plan. Brad, you go next
and use lots of soap.
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Yes, ma'am.
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Thirty-eight, 39, 221 ...
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- ...222, 223...
- ln your dreams!
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...225.
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[panting]
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You know, you should be thankful
l work out every day.
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- [arguing]
- What are the boys yelling about?
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lt's the shower again.
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Could you go out in five minutes
and pull Brad out and shove Mark in?
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- l'm ready for a shower.
- No! l have an early class.
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- l have to go first.
- You know my routine.
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l wake up, go to the bathroom,
exercise, take a shower,
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go eat, go back to the bathroom.
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Can't you change your routine
for one day?
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Then it wouldn't be my routine,
would it?
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Well, your routines are starting
to get very annoying.
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- l don't complain about your routine.
- l don't have the luxury of a routine.
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l stay flexible so l can deal
with everybody's problems.
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So, being flexible is your routine.
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Tim, why can't you just eat breakfast
and then shower?
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lf l eat breakfast early
l'll be hungry when l get to work.
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Then l'll have a snack
and push lunch way back.
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- So?
- Come on. Follow me here.
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lf l push lunch back
l won't eat dinner till late.
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l'll go to bed bloated,
feel uneasy and won't sleep.
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l'll be too tired to go to work.
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Al will do Tool Time.
Ratings will plummet.
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We'll lose the show, jobs,
our money, our house,
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be in a cardboard box on the freeway.
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lf you think taking a shower
is worth that...
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Oh, just go!
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So then, Tim spent 20 minutes
in the shower
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and another ten minutes powdering,
spraying and clipping.
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Who did l marry, a man or a poodle?
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You should see Harry in the bathroom.
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On second thought,
nobody should have to see that.
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lt was so frustrating.
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By the time that l got to school
and found a parking place,
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l missed half my class.
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00:06:01,894 --> 00:06:03,384
- Hey, Jill.
- Hi, Marge.
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00:06:03,463 --> 00:06:04,953
- Hi, Delores.
- Hey, Marge.
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So, what's going on?
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00:06:06,332 --> 00:06:08,391
We're doing a little husband-bashing.
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Sorry l'm late.
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l'll have the beef dip.
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Speaking of dips,
l was just talking about Tim.
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l have got to find a way
to make him more flexible.
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You've got as much chance of that
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as Marge digesting the...
...[shouting] beef dip!
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Oh, boy.
l'm dead.
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Oh, listen. lf Tim is anything like Bob,
he'll never change.
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Every night it's the same.
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Seven o'clock: ''Where's the food?''
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Seven-oh-five: ''You call that food?''
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Seven-fifteen: ''Why'd you let me
eat so much food?''
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Tim does all that.
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Then he opens his pants,
sticks out his gut, and belches.
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Nobody is more set in his ways
than Harry.
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Every Saturday night at 1 1 :30
after the sports report,
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he wakes me up and asks
the same question:
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''You want to do it?''
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And they say romance is dead.
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lt's been that way for 25 years.
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l wish he could be
a little more spontaneous
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and skip a Saturday
every once in a while.
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OK. Well, l guess you both
have it worse than l do.
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Oh, no, you've got it worse.
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You're trying to start a new career
and Tim's screwing it up.
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- lt's only half a class.
- Today.
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Next thing you know,
it'll be half a semester.
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The older men get the more
their routines take over your life.
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You friend's right.
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By the time they're his age
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every minute of your day
revolves around them.
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Mildred, it's 1 2:00.
Where's my lunch?
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Where's my water?
Where's my pill?
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Where's my life?
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l can't believe
l've been in college for 35 years.
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But all l have to do
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is finish the very last sentence
of my dissertation
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and l'll finally get my doctorate.
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Doctor? Are you takin' me to the doctor?
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l'm not takin' you to the doctor.
l'm trying to get my doctorate.
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Who's gonna take me to the doctor?
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Nobody. You're not sick.
Except in the head.
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Now let me work.
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The president of the university
is gonna be here any second.
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ls he a doctor?
l hope so.
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Oh, no. He's coming here
to pick up my dissertation!
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Why don't you just take it to him?
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Because l have to be here to make you
lunch and help you to the bathroom.
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Well, just feed me lunch
in the bathroom.
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Better yet, l'll lock you
in the bathroom.
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- Grouchy old bitty.
- What did you say?
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- Who remembers?
- Eh.
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00:09:05,711 --> 00:09:08,805
- Where's my lunch?
- Oh, go make it yourself.
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l need a few minutes of peace and quiet
to get this done.
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Mom, Randy won't let me
finish my shower.
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You've been in there for 35 years.
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And you still stink.
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Will you guys stop it!
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Aren't you ever gonna grow up?
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[Tim clearing throat very loudly]
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l gotta tell ya,
it's not looking real appealing.
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Well, l got something to eat,
no thanks to you.
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Oh. Just what you need, prunes.
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ls it hot?
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Are you hot?
l'm hot.
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lt's so hot.
l hate being hot!
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[wind blowing]
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- [doorbell rings]
- He's here!
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My dissertation! Ohhh!
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00:10:07,306 --> 00:10:08,864
Where's page one?
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This it?
Nope, this isn't it.
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Tim, no, no!
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Oh.
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00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:17,844
[sobbing]
169
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- Those are really good prunes.
- [Jill sobbing]
170
00:10:26,092 --> 00:10:28,060
Where is the bathroom?
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00:10:28,928 --> 00:10:30,896
- [sobbing]
- [doorbell rings]
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What? Stop it!
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Old bitty?
l'm an old bitty?
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Sometimes.
175
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l was one sentence away from graduating
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and you used page 56
of my dissertation
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to wipe your drool!
178
00:11:11,237 --> 00:11:12,795
Stop hitting me.
179
00:11:13,806 --> 00:11:16,832
You're mad at me because of something
l did to you in a dream?
180
00:11:16,909 --> 00:11:19,639
Dreams are a window
into our subconscious.
181
00:11:19,712 --> 00:11:22,078
Well, close the window
and go back to bed.
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00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:26,883
Tim, this is important.
183
00:11:26,986 --> 00:11:29,853
l dreamt that your stupid routines
ruined my life.
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00:11:29,922 --> 00:11:31,856
Your 1 2:00 lunch, your exercising...
185
00:11:31,924 --> 00:11:34,893
What you call stupid routines
l call self-discipline.
186
00:11:34,994 --> 00:11:37,758
What you call self-discipline
l call obsession.
187
00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:40,627
What you call obsession
l call structure.
188
00:11:40,733 --> 00:11:44,169
What you call structure
l call neurotic compulsion.
189
00:11:44,236 --> 00:11:48,366
What you call neurotic compulsion
l call what l said the first time.
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00:11:53,646 --> 00:11:55,876
Tim, l'm really upset about this.
191
00:11:57,850 --> 00:12:00,751
ls there any way we can talk about this
in the morning?
192
00:12:00,820 --> 00:12:03,948
lf l don't get enough sleep
l won't be able to do my exercise.
193
00:12:07,059 --> 00:12:08,526
There you go again.
194
00:12:08,594 --> 00:12:12,030
l don't care about
your idiotic exercise.
195
00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:14,757
Oh, you say that now.
196
00:12:15,501 --> 00:12:18,265
When you're 75 and your friends
are burying their husbands
197
00:12:18,370 --> 00:12:20,235
l'll still be fit and virile.
198
00:12:20,306 --> 00:12:22,536
You're not fit and virile now.
199
00:12:26,145 --> 00:12:29,171
Make jokes, will ya?
You'll be whistling a different tune
200
00:12:29,248 --> 00:12:32,217
when all those widows
are pinching my buns of steel.
201
00:12:45,397 --> 00:12:48,230
l'm home from school.
202
00:12:51,937 --> 00:12:53,632
[grunting]
203
00:12:54,406 --> 00:12:56,135
[grunting]
204
00:13:00,079 --> 00:13:04,311
Tim, l can't get my backpack off.
205
00:13:13,859 --> 00:13:17,989
Don't worry, honey. Your fit and virile
husband will give you a hand.
206
00:13:27,273 --> 00:13:28,900
Easy does it, old girl.
207
00:13:30,442 --> 00:13:32,933
Thank you, honey.
Thank you.
208
00:13:33,012 --> 00:13:34,309
So, how was school today?
209
00:13:34,380 --> 00:13:36,007
l don't know.
210
00:13:36,081 --> 00:13:37,571
l never got there.
211
00:13:40,019 --> 00:13:43,887
By the time l got dressed
and put my backpack on,
212
00:13:43,956 --> 00:13:46,322
school was over.
213
00:13:47,426 --> 00:13:49,894
How much time did you give yourself
to get ready?
214
00:13:49,962 --> 00:13:55,457
Well, l put my sweater on
last Tuesday.
215
00:13:56,468 --> 00:13:58,333
l buttoned it Wednesday.
216
00:13:58,971 --> 00:14:02,930
l remembered
l forgot my underwear Thursday.
217
00:14:04,009 --> 00:14:07,172
And then l had to start all over again.
218
00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:12,044
Let's face it, Tim.
l'm a broken-down old hag.
219
00:14:12,117 --> 00:14:15,018
You're a perfect physical specimen.
220
00:14:17,623 --> 00:14:21,081
lt's not too late, honey.
Just start a routine like mine.
221
00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:22,718
Fifty thousand push-ups...
222
00:14:22,828 --> 00:14:25,991
We'll weight train you.
You can do it around the house.
223
00:14:26,098 --> 00:14:27,622
Just lift with your legs.
224
00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:29,668
[straining]
225
00:14:31,036 --> 00:14:32,526
Oh.
226
00:14:33,005 --> 00:14:35,235
You are an inspiration.
227
00:14:37,109 --> 00:14:42,069
l don't know how you stayed with me
after the way l've let myself go.
228
00:14:42,147 --> 00:14:44,513
lt's just the kind of guy l am.
229
00:14:45,985 --> 00:14:50,115
There are thousands
of younger, sexier women
230
00:14:50,189 --> 00:14:52,817
who would be thrilled to have you.
231
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:54,917
And l'd be thrilled to have them.
232
00:14:58,430 --> 00:15:01,058
But no matter how pathetic you look,
233
00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:04,066
no matter how fabulous l look,
234
00:15:04,870 --> 00:15:06,633
l'll never leave you.
235
00:15:06,705 --> 00:15:10,163
Well, God bless you and your routine.
236
00:15:19,084 --> 00:15:21,644
We've got a great show for you today.
Right, Al?
237
00:15:25,190 --> 00:15:26,885
Yes, we do.
238
00:15:26,959 --> 00:15:31,293
Although Binford won't allow Tim to do
any more shows involving power.
239
00:15:37,670 --> 00:15:43,040
Yesterday's electrical accident was
the straw that broke the camel's back.
240
00:15:43,108 --> 00:15:45,668
[coughing]
241
00:15:49,281 --> 00:15:52,546
l thought it was your mom
that broke the camel's back.
242
00:15:53,419 --> 00:15:56,149
l think it's time
you stopped making fun of my mother.
243
00:15:56,221 --> 00:15:57,688
Oh, yeah?
Why?
244
00:15:57,756 --> 00:16:00,452
Because she's been dead for 25 years!
245
00:16:01,493 --> 00:16:04,121
Making fun of your mother
is a staple here at Tool Time.
246
00:16:04,196 --> 00:16:06,562
The audience response
has always been huge.
247
00:16:06,665 --> 00:16:10,032
- 'Course, not as huge as your...
- That's it. l quit!
248
00:16:10,135 --> 00:16:11,762
- l quit.
- You can't quit.
249
00:16:11,837 --> 00:16:14,328
Ten more years
you qualify for health insurance.
250
00:16:14,406 --> 00:16:16,931
l'm not fallin' for that one again.
251
00:16:17,676 --> 00:16:19,041
- Timmy?
- What?
252
00:16:19,111 --> 00:16:21,807
- Could l have Al's lines?
- No.
253
00:16:22,648 --> 00:16:24,809
- Well, then l quit, too.
- Go ahead.
254
00:16:25,551 --> 00:16:26,882
l'm not changing Tool Time.
255
00:16:26,952 --> 00:16:29,853
The audience loves Tool Time
just the way it is.
256
00:16:31,523 --> 00:16:33,423
Right, audience?
257
00:16:33,492 --> 00:16:36,052
We haven't liked the show in 20 years.
258
00:16:36,628 --> 00:16:40,962
- Why do you show up every day?
- lt's part of our routine.
259
00:16:49,942 --> 00:16:51,409
Hey, Wilson?
260
00:16:54,713 --> 00:16:57,876
Well, hidey-ho, there, studly neighbor.
261
00:17:00,452 --> 00:17:03,421
Today at Tool Time
Al and Heidi quit.
262
00:17:03,522 --> 00:17:05,649
Uh, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
263
00:17:07,359 --> 00:17:10,419
Do you have any words of wisdom for me?
264
00:17:10,496 --> 00:17:13,021
Well, Tim, nothing of any significance.
265
00:17:13,098 --> 00:17:15,794
l've been giving you advice
for so many decades
266
00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:17,927
l'm at the bottom of the barrel.
267
00:17:18,003 --> 00:17:20,870
Barrel. How about this?
268
00:17:20,939 --> 00:17:23,237
More fun than a barrel of monkeys.
269
00:17:24,610 --> 00:17:26,703
That-that doesn't help me very much.
270
00:17:26,779 --> 00:17:29,145
Uh... um, ''monkey see, monkey do''.
271
00:17:31,950 --> 00:17:33,884
You gotta do better than this.
l mean,
272
00:17:33,952 --> 00:17:36,318
getting advice from you
is one of my routines.
273
00:17:36,388 --> 00:17:38,913
Well, it's your routine
that sucked me dry.
274
00:17:40,926 --> 00:17:42,860
Come on. You gotta have something.
275
00:17:42,928 --> 00:17:45,488
Well, let's try this one on for size.
276
00:17:45,564 --> 00:17:49,295
There was an old woman
who lived in a shoe
277
00:17:49,368 --> 00:17:52,132
She got sick of your routine
and l did, too
278
00:18:00,345 --> 00:18:02,609
Honey, Wilson turned into a shoe.
279
00:18:05,284 --> 00:18:08,117
Al and Heidi quit, but good riddance.
At least l got you.
280
00:18:08,187 --> 00:18:09,347
Jill?
281
00:18:09,421 --> 00:18:11,651
[weakly] Help.
282
00:18:13,759 --> 00:18:16,125
- Jill?
- Help me, honey.
283
00:18:18,831 --> 00:18:20,731
l can't hear.
The table's on you.
284
00:18:24,069 --> 00:18:26,902
Here. Remember to always lift
with your legs, honey.
285
00:18:26,972 --> 00:18:28,667
[straining]
286
00:18:28,740 --> 00:18:32,107
l tried to be as disciplined as you.
287
00:18:32,177 --> 00:18:34,543
But l failed.
288
00:18:36,281 --> 00:18:41,548
l only hope my untimely and tragic death
289
00:18:42,621 --> 00:18:46,887
won't interfere with your...
[gasping]
290
00:18:49,261 --> 00:18:51,354
...routine.
291
00:18:53,632 --> 00:18:55,395
[choking]
292
00:18:56,301 --> 00:18:58,166
Jill. Jill!
293
00:18:59,004 --> 00:19:00,562
Jill, wake up. Jill!
294
00:19:01,473 --> 00:19:03,236
Jill. Jill!
295
00:19:03,308 --> 00:19:05,868
Oh, no, no, no.
296
00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:09,277
Tim, wake up. You're having a bad dream.
297
00:19:09,348 --> 00:19:11,441
Jill, Jill.
298
00:19:11,517 --> 00:19:13,849
Jill. Wow.
299
00:19:13,919 --> 00:19:15,284
[whistles]
300
00:19:15,354 --> 00:19:17,049
- What a dream.
- What?
301
00:19:18,123 --> 00:19:20,489
- You were dead.
- Dead?
302
00:19:20,592 --> 00:19:22,423
Squashed under the coffee table.
303
00:19:26,331 --> 00:19:28,231
Heidi and Al left the show.
304
00:19:28,300 --> 00:19:30,461
And Wilson turned into Mother Goose.
305
00:19:32,938 --> 00:19:34,667
l'm gonna take a shower.
306
00:19:35,774 --> 00:19:38,902
- At 3:00 in the morning?
- You've got an early class tomorrow.
307
00:19:38,977 --> 00:19:40,945
This way l can be
a little more flexible.
308
00:19:41,013 --> 00:19:44,039
l go to the bathroom at 3:00,
shower at 3:1 0,
309
00:19:44,116 --> 00:19:46,880
breakfast at 3:25,
back in the bathroom at 3:45.
310
00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:51,185
Tim, it's the same routine,
you're just on London time.
311
00:19:52,524 --> 00:19:54,890
Come back to bed.
312
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:59,624
Well, l gotta figure out a way
to be more flexible with this.
313
00:19:59,698 --> 00:20:01,461
That would be great.
314
00:20:02,367 --> 00:20:04,494
l don't want it to end up
like in that dream.
315
00:20:04,570 --> 00:20:07,232
- lt was that bad?
- lt was horrible.
316
00:20:07,306 --> 00:20:08,796
Oh, boy.
317
00:20:09,474 --> 00:20:12,238
You were gone.
Everybody l cared about was gone.
318
00:20:12,311 --> 00:20:14,279
l was all alone.
319
00:20:14,346 --> 00:20:16,712
l was terrific-looking
but l was all alone.
320
00:20:21,253 --> 00:20:23,517
What did l look like?
321
00:20:26,992 --> 00:20:29,688
l-l really didn't
get a good look at you.
322
00:20:34,633 --> 00:20:37,466
Do you remember that old woman
in The Waltons?
323
00:20:55,687 --> 00:20:56,779
Can you believe this?
324
00:20:56,855 --> 00:20:59,517
One hundred six years old
and look how good we look.
325
00:20:59,591 --> 00:21:03,152
l don't feel a day over 90.
326
00:21:09,534 --> 00:21:12,230
Well, teeth in or out tonight?
327
00:21:20,145 --> 00:21:23,114
- Now, problem:
- [suspenseful music]
328
00:21:23,181 --> 00:21:25,547
All right.
[laughing]
329
00:21:31,423 --> 00:21:33,721
- Problem:
- [suspenseful music]
330
00:21:34,793 --> 00:21:36,761
[laughter]
331
00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:43,966
- And we're not talking about...
- [both laughing]
332
00:21:48,974 --> 00:21:51,534
Does anybody care what time it is?
333
00:21:52,577 --> 00:21:53,942
No!