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- Does everybody know what time it is?
- [audience] Tool Time!
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00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:09,400
That's right. Binford Tools is proud
to present Tim ''The Tool Man'' Taylor!
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Thank you very much.
Welcome to Tool Time.
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l am Tim ''The Tool Man'' Taylor.
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Of course you all know my assistant,
Al ''Here Comes the Groom'' Borland!
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[applause]
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Big day tomorrow, right, Al?
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Uh, yes. Tomorrow is the big day.
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Uh, in 23 hours and 39 minutes,
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Dr. llene Louise Markham will become
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Dr. llene Louise Markham-Borland.
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[audience laughs]
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lt rolls right off the tongue,
doesn't it?
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Anyway, on today's show
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we're gonna be talking about
replacing your old bathroom fixtures
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with new ones.
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You might want to select these
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and install them
when the wife's out of the house.
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Otherwise, you might end up with...
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- [crows] ...one of these.
- [audience laughs]
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[continues crowing]
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[kissing sound]
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Who wants tap water coming out
of a Klingon bird of prey, huh?
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Women, that's who.
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Women tend to overdo everything.
Bathrooms, weddings...
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Now, how can you compare
bathrooms and weddings?
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Well, during my wedding, l spent most of
the time in the bathroom.
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[audience and Tim laugh]
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See, a man wouldn't plan
one of these big shindigs.
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A man's wedding would be simple
and direct. Right, guys?
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Wouldn't cost an arm and a leg, either.
l could do a wedding for, l don't know,
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[blows raspberry]
...off the top of my head, $1 37.50.
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$1 32.00 without flowers.
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There is no way you can do
a wedding for that kind of money.
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Watch me!
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The first thing to go, are those
expensive invitations women have.
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A man's invitation would cost
about... mmm, 20 cents.
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- [scoffs] What are you taking about?
- l'll show you.
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Hank! Yeah. l'm getting hitched.
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What are you doing Tuesday?
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Tuesday? That's ridiculous. Nobody would
go to a wedding on a Tuesday.
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Ah-ha! Added bonus then.
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Eliminates 80ø% of your rogue relatives.
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Stop talking about marriage
and get back to faucets.
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To wedding cakes. Let's start talking
about wedding cakes.
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Women want tiered wedding cakes,
look like Aztec sacrificial altars.
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And on the top...
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...the bride and
groom in the penthouse.
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Holding hands and smiling.
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[snorts] What's that about?
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lt symbolizes the joy of marriage.
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A man's wedding cake would show
what marriage is really like.
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Heidi, the man's wedding cake, please.
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[audience laughs]
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[bell dings]
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- [audience cheers]
- [bell dings again]
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- [grunts]
- Whoa! Big gift?
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You and Mom have a big fight?
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- lt's for Al.
- You and Al have a big fight?
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[grunts] lt's for his
bachelor party tonight.
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- Cool! Can we come?
- Yeah, we're bachelors.
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And we know how to party.
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This isn't a party for kids.
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Ooh, what are you gonna do?
Sit around and tell dirty jokes?
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Waste of time.
Al wouldn't get any of them.
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- Hi, guys.
- [all] Hi.
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Wait, wait, take these upstairs.
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Tim, how could you say
all those idiotic things on Tool Time?
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You'll have to be more specific.
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00:04:49,155 --> 00:04:52,522
How can you stereotype women like that?
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Again, you'll have to be more specific.
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The swan faucets,
how women overdo everything.
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You put down marriage, weddings.
You probably scared Al to death.
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- Honey, he knows l was kidding.
- Well, he's about to get married.
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You could've said something
supportive, nice, emotional.
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l'm saving that for the bachelor party.
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[groans]
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[Tim laughs]
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Yeah, l heard about all the warmth
and sensitivity at your bachelor party.
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lt was a very special evening for me.
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And luckily, that stripper
turned out to be a paramedic.
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[laughs] And then she says, ''Fifty
bucks, Senator. Same as in town.''
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l don't get it.
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Do you get it, Cal?
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lt's amazing. The flannel brothers
haven't gotten one joke yet.
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Well, we were brought up
in a very proper home.
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Mother did shield us from a lot.
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Your mother could
shield Michigan from the sun.
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You know, l myself had rather a
Puritanical upbringing.
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My father was abstemious
and he abhorred the salacious bon mot.
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l know he's speaking English because
l understood the word ''father.''
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Hey, slow down, big fella. That's the
third diet ginger ale you've had.
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This is a first. The groom's gonna
end up the designated driver.
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Come on, Al! This is your last night
as a free man. Have a real drink.
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You know, you're right.
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lt's time to throw caution to the wind
and sow my wild oats!
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- Yeah.
- [Tim] Yeah, right.
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Or, in your case, wild oat bran.
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00:06:47,507 --> 00:06:49,873
Milton, no more diet ginger ale.
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Give me a, uh, Jack Black, beer back.
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[guys cheer]
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You know, l want you guys to know
it really means a lot to me
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to spend this night
with my dearest friends.
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When are they coming?
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Boy, Al! l never thought l'd see the day
when you took the fatal plunge.
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Aw, come on!
l wouldn't call it a plunge.
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Marty, what would you call it?
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More like a slow agonizing death.
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Come on! Doesn't somebody have
something good to say about marriage?
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Be good if mine ended.
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You know, Martin Luther
had something good to say.
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''There is no more lovely, friendly
or charming relationship,
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communion, or company
than a good marriage.''
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[guys] Here, here!
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You know, Al, we make
a lot of jokes about marriage.
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And the truth is when you find the right
person, there's nothing quite like it.
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Here.. here's to
my best friend, Al Borland.
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[guys cheer]
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Let's not forget the bride-to-be,
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Dr. llene Louise Markham...
''hyphen-hyphen!''
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[all] ''Hyphen-hyphen.''
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''Hyphen,'' ls that a Ukrainian name?
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- Al, we got a little surprise for you.
- [Tim] Yeah.
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Oh, boy! Here it comes!
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Al, we brought some tokens of our esteem
to commemorate the eve of your nuptials.
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Oh, you guys!
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Open mine first. You've been
waiting for this for a long time.
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An oven-ready casserole set?
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Loosen your girdle, will ya, fella?
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This isn't a bridal shower with women
oohing and ahhing over girlie gifts.
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Ooh, a demolition hammer!
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Ooh! Ahh!
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- [grunts]
- With a three-quarter-inch X-shank.
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[guys] Ahh!
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The kind of thing
you never buy for yourself.
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That is so stunning.
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- And in such good taste.
- lt's so slimming.
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This is exactly why
l registered at Sears!
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l just...l just love it!
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All right, buddy.
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So, Lady Astor said
to Winston Churchill,
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''lf you were my husband,
l'd put poison in your coffee.''
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To which he replied, ''Madam, if l were
your husband, l would drink it!''
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Churchill, huh?
Does he ever play Vegas?
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- Great party, huh?
- The best.
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Tim, you know before when you were
saying about finding the right woman?
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Yeah. What about it?
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[chuckles] How does a guy know
if he's found her?
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Usually he knows before
he's gotten in as deep as you have.
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Yeah.
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[chuckles]
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You do know, don't you?
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- Of course.
- Yeah.
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- l... l think so.
- Yep, yep.
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l thought so.
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l... l really don't know if l should
go through with this wedding.
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What? No!
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[repeating] Al...
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...don't listen to this.
ls it because of what we said?
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No. l don't...
l don't take any of that seriously.
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00:10:24,890 --> 00:10:27,324
ls it because of
what l said on Tool Time?
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00:10:27,393 --> 00:10:30,157
l never take that seriously.
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Well, what are you talking about?
What's the problem here?
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00:10:34,767 --> 00:10:37,793
l don't know if llene
is the right woman for me.
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- She is!
- No.
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lf l go through with this, it could be
the biggest mistake of my life.
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00:10:42,842 --> 00:10:44,776
[sighs]
168
00:10:44,844 --> 00:10:48,007
This is... this is...
this is not like you, Al, um...
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00:10:48,114 --> 00:10:52,073
...you shouldn't be drinking that.
lt's just that brown liquor talking.
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00:10:52,184 --> 00:10:53,515
How many have you had?
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00:10:53,586 --> 00:10:56,020
- lf l finish this...
- lf you finish that one.
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One.
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00:11:06,732 --> 00:11:08,757
What are you guys still doing up?
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00:11:08,834 --> 00:11:12,497
We're getting this stuff together
to detail Al's car for the wedding.
175
00:11:12,571 --> 00:11:16,701
You're gonna tie cans to the bumper and
spray shaving cream on the windshield?
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00:11:16,776 --> 00:11:19,643
- That's supposed to be funny?
- Dad thinks so.
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00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:27,009
Why don't you try doing this to his car
and see how funny he thinks it is?
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00:11:27,820 --> 00:11:29,879
l like the way you think.
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00:11:32,925 --> 00:11:36,759
Oh! Stay away from my shoes!
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00:11:39,965 --> 00:11:41,523
Al...
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00:11:42,768 --> 00:11:45,737
- ...what are you doing here?
- Tim made me come.
182
00:11:47,039 --> 00:11:49,405
He doesn't want to
go through with the wedding.
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00:11:49,508 --> 00:11:52,272
[gasps] Oh, my God!
184
00:11:52,344 --> 00:11:55,211
This is all your fault!
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00:11:56,615 --> 00:11:58,776
You didn't do enough damage
on Tool Time?
186
00:11:58,884 --> 00:12:02,650
You had to drive him over the edge
at the bachelor party?
187
00:12:02,755 --> 00:12:06,816
- l told you she'd blame this on me.
- No. lt's not Tim's fault.
188
00:12:06,892 --> 00:12:10,225
- lt's not?
- l've thought about it for months.
189
00:12:10,296 --> 00:12:12,457
l thought it would just go away.
190
00:12:12,531 --> 00:12:15,967
[sighs] Tonight at the party,
l looked at the clock
191
00:12:16,035 --> 00:12:20,995
and l realized that in 1 1 hours and 1 3
minutes l was going to be a married man.
192
00:12:21,107 --> 00:12:24,565
And l... l don't think l want to be.
193
00:12:24,643 --> 00:12:26,804
Oh, Al.
194
00:12:26,879 --> 00:12:30,246
lt's just cold feet.
That happens to everybody.
195
00:12:30,316 --> 00:12:32,409
- lt does?
- [Tim] Yeah, everybody. Sure.
196
00:12:32,485 --> 00:12:36,854
Yeah, absolutely. The morning of
my wedding l was such a wreck.
197
00:12:36,922 --> 00:12:39,652
My sisters had to literally drag me
198
00:12:39,725 --> 00:12:43,957
kicking and screaming
the whole way to the church.
199
00:12:44,029 --> 00:12:48,261
l was freaked out at the prospect of
spending the rest of my life with Tim.
200
00:12:50,369 --> 00:12:53,338
- Yeah.
- [sarcastic] Yeah.
201
00:12:54,540 --> 00:12:56,474
l don't remember you telling me this.
202
00:12:56,542 --> 00:13:00,171
Well, l didn't want
to hurt your feelings.
203
00:13:00,246 --> 00:13:03,010
So, you thought now
would be a good time?
204
00:13:03,082 --> 00:13:05,846
l'm trying to help Al out here. OK?
205
00:13:05,918 --> 00:13:08,944
- You are perfect together...
- Wait a minute. Hold it.
206
00:13:09,021 --> 00:13:11,319
Kicking and screaming?
207
00:13:12,591 --> 00:13:15,492
Tim, l was young. l had
my whole future ahead of me.
208
00:13:15,561 --> 00:13:19,998
- You didn't have second thoughts?
- No. But l'm... l'm having some now.
209
00:13:21,901 --> 00:13:23,129
Maybe l should go.
210
00:13:23,202 --> 00:13:24,863
- No, don't...
- l'll go with you.
211
00:13:24,937 --> 00:13:29,237
You are being ridiculous.
This was what, 1 8 years ago? Al! Al!
212
00:13:29,308 --> 00:13:32,072
You said llene was the
best thing that happened to you.
213
00:13:32,178 --> 00:13:34,078
l know! l know that!
214
00:13:34,146 --> 00:13:37,707
Lately there's been some things
about her that just get on my nerves.
215
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:40,581
- Well, like what? What?
- Well...
216
00:13:40,686 --> 00:13:44,178
...she's so darn... nice!
217
00:13:44,256 --> 00:13:47,157
She never stands up for herself!
She never gets angry!
218
00:13:47,226 --> 00:13:51,128
- Never gets annoyed!
- Kicking and screaming?
219
00:13:51,430 --> 00:13:54,365
l want somebody who is feisty!
220
00:13:54,433 --> 00:13:57,266
Somebody who is not afraid
to look me in the eye and say,
221
00:13:57,336 --> 00:14:00,464
''Al, you've had
way too much bacon bits!''
222
00:14:01,774 --> 00:14:05,904
l want somebody...
somebody like Barbara Walters.
223
00:14:11,917 --> 00:14:13,680
Barbara Walters?
224
00:14:13,786 --> 00:14:15,754
Oh, yeah. She's sassy.
225
00:14:17,156 --> 00:14:20,319
Al, the wedding is tomorrow.
226
00:14:20,426 --> 00:14:24,522
Honey, you've gotta go home and
give this some serious thought.
227
00:14:25,030 --> 00:14:27,931
This is a decision that'll affect
the rest of your life.
228
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:31,492
- And llene's.
- l know. l... you're right.
229
00:14:31,570 --> 00:14:33,902
l just, l have to go home
and decide whether...
230
00:14:33,973 --> 00:14:36,840
whether there is something
really deep between us,
231
00:14:36,909 --> 00:14:40,174
or if it's just wild,
unbridled sex!
232
00:14:42,448 --> 00:14:44,939
[both groaning]
233
00:14:50,456 --> 00:14:52,617
What's going on?
ls the wedding on or off?
234
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:56,422
- Al called at 7:30 and it was off.
- Then he called at 8:00 and it was on.
235
00:15:10,142 --> 00:15:12,702
OK, so, what do you think?
236
00:15:12,778 --> 00:15:15,076
- The Civil War's over.
- Oh!
237
00:15:26,025 --> 00:15:28,926
But apparently disco
is alive and kicking.
238
00:15:32,665 --> 00:15:34,633
Al, welcome. Welcome.
239
00:15:34,700 --> 00:15:37,760
- [all] Al!
- [Jill] Oh, thank God you're here!
240
00:15:37,836 --> 00:15:39,064
l'm sorry l'm late.
241
00:15:39,138 --> 00:15:42,471
Remember that wedding rule.
Once in the building, don't leave.
242
00:15:42,541 --> 00:15:46,102
Don't worry. l'm feeling better about
things. l've made my decision.
243
00:15:46,178 --> 00:15:50,342
l'm gonna take the plunge.
ln 1 1 minutes and 1 4 seconds,
244
00:15:50,416 --> 00:15:53,510
Al Borland becomes Mr. Al Borland!
245
00:15:56,355 --> 00:15:59,518
OK. OK, OK, l need the groom.
l need the best man.
246
00:15:59,625 --> 00:16:03,061
l need ushers, ushers, ushers.
247
00:16:03,128 --> 00:16:06,495
- Are you an usher?
- Do you think l would buy this suit?
248
00:16:09,401 --> 00:16:11,369
- Good news. Al's here.
- Oh, good.
249
00:16:11,470 --> 00:16:15,839
Great, great. Well, l guess that means
that l'll be getting married soon.
250
00:16:15,941 --> 00:16:18,432
- [Jill] Yes!
- Heidi, l need you for pictures.
251
00:16:18,510 --> 00:16:19,602
[Heidi] OK.
252
00:16:20,579 --> 00:16:23,844
Oh, llene, look at you.
253
00:16:23,916 --> 00:16:26,578
You're so beautiful.
254
00:16:26,652 --> 00:16:29,951
This is gonna be the most
wonderful day of your life.
255
00:16:32,358 --> 00:16:35,486
l hope so because
l really have the jitters.
256
00:16:35,561 --> 00:16:37,290
- That's just cold feet.
- Really?
257
00:16:37,363 --> 00:16:41,265
Everybody feels that. You should've
seen me on the morning of my wedding.
258
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:43,699
My sisters literally had
to drag me kicking...
259
00:16:43,802 --> 00:16:45,963
Kicking and screaming.
260
00:16:48,741 --> 00:16:51,574
Um, Patty would like
llene outside to take pictures.
261
00:16:51,643 --> 00:16:54,669
- l'll just be a second.
- Kicking and screaming.
262
00:16:55,914 --> 00:16:58,474
lt's normal. All brides are nervous.
263
00:16:58,550 --> 00:17:02,919
ls it normal to wonder if l'm making
the biggest mistake of my life?
264
00:17:02,988 --> 00:17:04,046
What?
265
00:17:05,424 --> 00:17:07,187
Jill...
266
00:17:07,259 --> 00:17:09,819
...l am not sure...
267
00:17:09,895 --> 00:17:12,227
...l'm doing the right thing.
268
00:17:12,765 --> 00:17:14,494
What?
269
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:17,100
l love Al.
270
00:17:17,169 --> 00:17:22,607
But l don't know if l love
him the way l'm supposed to, you know?
271
00:17:23,308 --> 00:17:26,072
- He's a great guy.
- [snorting]
272
00:17:28,847 --> 00:17:31,680
But l'm not sure
if he's the guy for me.
273
00:17:31,750 --> 00:17:35,242
[sighs] Did this just
occur to you today?
274
00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:38,847
No. l... l guess l've been thinking
about it for a couple of months.
275
00:17:38,924 --> 00:17:41,654
l guess l just didn't want
to admit it to myself.
276
00:17:41,727 --> 00:17:43,490
Oh, llene.
277
00:17:43,562 --> 00:17:47,862
You know, the things l used to find
charming about him, l now find annoying.
278
00:17:47,933 --> 00:17:50,094
But that's marriage.
279
00:17:50,969 --> 00:17:53,938
You know that snorting sound he makes?
[imitates Al]
280
00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:58,342
Oh, but it's cute. And he only does it
after he tells a joke.
281
00:17:58,410 --> 00:18:01,641
He does it after
a few other things, too.
282
00:18:01,713 --> 00:18:03,806
[gasps] Oh!
283
00:18:09,655 --> 00:18:11,316
l need the bride on the double.
284
00:18:11,390 --> 00:18:14,917
No! llene, if you feel this way,
don't you think you should talk to Al?
285
00:18:14,993 --> 00:18:19,760
- l can't. He'd be devastated.
- Maybe. Maybe not. You never know.
286
00:18:22,201 --> 00:18:25,170
- Tim! Tim!
- What's the matter? What's the matter?
287
00:18:25,270 --> 00:18:28,899
You aren't gonna believe this.
llene feels the same way that Al does.
288
00:18:28,974 --> 00:18:31,534
She's got a thing for Barbara Walters?
289
00:18:34,780 --> 00:18:38,147
She thinks that she's making
the biggest mistake of her life.
290
00:18:38,717 --> 00:18:41,277
[Patty] OK, good. l need
a few more of Al and llene.
291
00:18:41,386 --> 00:18:44,753
- Uh, they need the groom at the altar.
- [llene] Al! Al!
292
00:18:44,823 --> 00:18:47,587
- We need to talk!
- l'm needed at the altar.
293
00:18:47,659 --> 00:18:49,820
lt's now or never, Al.
294
00:18:50,028 --> 00:18:53,896
l'm not sure if we
should be getting married.
295
00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:55,524
- Woo-hoo!
- [camera clicks]
296
00:18:59,738 --> 00:19:02,002
You? You what?
297
00:19:02,074 --> 00:19:04,372
Really?
298
00:19:04,443 --> 00:19:06,741
- l'm not sure either.
- Over here.
299
00:19:09,481 --> 00:19:14,009
You're not sure?
Well... why didn't you say something?
300
00:19:15,888 --> 00:19:18,152
l... l made a commitment to you.
301
00:19:18,223 --> 00:19:20,054
Woo-ooh.
302
00:19:22,461 --> 00:19:25,589
- Why didn't you say something?
- Over here.
303
00:19:26,732 --> 00:19:30,224
- Why don't we finish this in private?
- Could you excuse us a second?
304
00:19:37,409 --> 00:19:39,900
- How's it going?
- Any news from the lovebirds?
305
00:19:40,045 --> 00:19:42,878
- Not yet.
- How's it going in the church?
306
00:19:42,948 --> 00:19:44,438
Uh, pretty good.
307
00:19:44,516 --> 00:19:47,952
Heidi got her hoop skirt caught
in the communion rail.
308
00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:50,887
All the guys are lining up
to help her get untangled.
309
00:19:52,724 --> 00:19:56,160
And even worse.
Al's mother's starting to pace.
310
00:19:56,228 --> 00:19:59,163
l thought l felt the
foundation shaking.
311
00:20:00,933 --> 00:20:02,901
l had better get back, uh...
312
00:20:02,968 --> 00:20:05,436
...Harry's holding my place in line.
313
00:20:06,038 --> 00:20:07,938
- [sighs]
- [door opens]
314
00:20:08,006 --> 00:20:12,102
Are the doors opening?
Oh, this looks good. They're smiling.
315
00:20:12,177 --> 00:20:15,146
Oh, Al. l'm so glad we talked.
316
00:20:15,247 --> 00:20:18,182
Me, too. l'm sure glad
we worked this out.
317
00:20:20,352 --> 00:20:23,082
Oh, look at them.
318
00:20:23,155 --> 00:20:25,316
A happy ending.
You're getting married.
319
00:20:26,692 --> 00:20:30,458
- No, we're not.
- You're not.
320
00:20:30,762 --> 00:20:33,788
Well, we thought we'd
be better off just friends.
321
00:20:33,865 --> 00:20:35,730
- Good friends.
- Yes.
322
00:20:35,801 --> 00:20:38,326
Does this mean
she's available now?
323
00:20:43,442 --> 00:20:46,104
Hey, guys. Are you sure
this is what you want to do?
324
00:20:46,178 --> 00:20:49,739
- l really think it's the best thing.
- What about you, Al?
325
00:20:49,848 --> 00:20:52,544
Oh, yeah. l...l feel the same way.
326
00:20:52,618 --> 00:20:56,577
l... l just don't know how
l'm gonna break it to mother.
327
00:20:56,655 --> 00:20:59,590
- [Mrs. Borland] Oh, no! Ho-ho!
- [thudding]
328
00:21:03,395 --> 00:21:05,556
l think she knows.
329
00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:09,291
l think somebody had
better send for a forklift.
330
00:21:10,769 --> 00:21:12,327
Mother!
331
00:21:15,841 --> 00:21:18,810
Strangest wedding l've ever been to.
332
00:21:18,877 --> 00:21:22,369
Great music, great food.
Nobody got married.
333
00:21:26,084 --> 00:21:29,645
lf you'd had it your way, that's how
our wedding would've ended up.
334
00:21:30,389 --> 00:21:32,823
Are you still obsessing about that?
335
00:21:32,891 --> 00:21:34,552
Sorry.
336
00:21:34,626 --> 00:21:38,995
lt's a little upsetting to find out
after 1 8 years, our marriage is a sham.
337
00:21:43,035 --> 00:21:45,936
[laughs] You're not seriously upset?
338
00:21:47,005 --> 00:21:48,563
Maybe.
339
00:21:50,208 --> 00:21:52,176
OK...
340
00:21:52,244 --> 00:21:54,542
...what is it
you really want out of this?
341
00:21:56,748 --> 00:21:58,375
What do you got?
342
00:22:10,796 --> 00:22:13,162
l love you very, very much.
343
00:22:13,965 --> 00:22:16,900
Marrying you was the best thing
that ever happened to me.
344
00:22:18,337 --> 00:22:20,237
What else you got?