1 00:00:04,390 --> 00:00:07,159 Oh, man. All right. Thank you, heidi. 2 00:00:07,260 --> 00:00:08,861 Thank you. I think it's done. 3 00:00:08,962 --> 00:00:11,196 Well! 4 00:00:11,297 --> 00:00:13,766 I guess that finishes up our cooking portion 5 00:00:13,867 --> 00:00:15,968 Of our salute to a man's thanksgiving. 6 00:00:16,069 --> 00:00:18,771 A point to ponder when you baste the turkey in cognac, 7 00:00:18,872 --> 00:00:22,207 You want to keep the bird away from the open flame. 8 00:00:22,308 --> 00:00:28,080 - Otherwise your butterball will become a fireball. - Pretty obvious, isn't it? 9 00:00:28,181 --> 00:00:33,418 Now it's time to look at some of the things we men should be thankful for. 10 00:00:33,520 --> 00:00:37,222 And this, of course, would be number one: Women. 11 00:00:37,323 --> 00:00:40,592 Our mothers, our co-workers, our family members, our sisters. 12 00:00:40,694 --> 00:00:42,594 They deserve a lot of appreciation. 13 00:00:42,696 --> 00:00:44,463 - Wow. Thank you, tim. - You're welcome. 14 00:00:44,564 --> 00:00:47,266 Now, get lost. It's a man's segment. 15 00:00:48,802 --> 00:00:53,205 Ok, al. Well, you're sort of a man. What are you thankful for? 16 00:00:54,841 --> 00:00:58,644 Well, tim, I'm thankful for the tool I carry with me always. 17 00:00:59,780 --> 00:01:02,381 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, al! It's a family show! 18 00:01:02,483 --> 00:01:05,351 I'm talking about my swiss army knife. 19 00:01:05,452 --> 00:01:07,820 I would feel naked without it. 20 00:01:07,921 --> 00:01:09,789 Ew. 21 00:01:10,924 --> 00:01:13,792 I'm talking about the gizmos and gadgets and thingamajigs 22 00:01:13,893 --> 00:01:16,929 - That make a man's life worthwhile. - I hear you, brother. 23 00:01:17,030 --> 00:01:20,732 How many times have you found yourself at the beach or a tailgate party 24 00:01:20,833 --> 00:01:23,436 And you're longing for a zesty blended beverage? 25 00:01:23,537 --> 00:01:26,405 Not a problem anymore with this model of american ingenuity. 26 00:01:26,506 --> 00:01:29,708 - All it takes is one rip... - [starting motor] 27 00:01:37,684 --> 00:01:40,386 This next gadget's on the top of my list of favorites. 28 00:01:40,487 --> 00:01:44,490 You may be thinking I'm wearing usual coveralls, but you're wrong. 29 00:01:44,591 --> 00:01:49,295 I'm sporting the practical and very fashionable vacu-suit. 30 00:01:49,396 --> 00:01:50,896 [♪ upbeat jazz playing] 31 00:01:50,998 --> 00:01:53,832 That's right, from the binford winter collection. 32 00:01:53,933 --> 00:01:57,669 You've got to say "très chic" when you look at al right now. 33 00:01:57,770 --> 00:02:01,007 The point of this is, why lug around a heavy vacuum cleaner? 34 00:02:01,108 --> 00:02:04,710 - We can add the vacuum to the man. - That's right. 35 00:02:04,811 --> 00:02:07,013 - Just add a hose to al... - Mm-hmm. 36 00:02:07,647 --> 00:02:09,382 Not there, tim! 37 00:02:10,750 --> 00:02:13,119 He's got a built-in compressor and motor. 38 00:02:13,220 --> 00:02:15,054 Flip him on and watch al suck. 39 00:02:19,059 --> 00:02:22,061 Uh, tim... Tim, I think we have a problem! 40 00:02:22,162 --> 00:02:24,363 Turn it off! Turn it off, tim! 41 00:02:24,464 --> 00:02:25,898 Turn it off, tim! 42 00:02:25,999 --> 00:02:27,833 Ah! 43 00:02:31,971 --> 00:02:33,572 Tim! 44 00:03:27,327 --> 00:03:29,160 Wilson, I thought that you and willow 45 00:03:29,262 --> 00:03:31,563 Were going to ann arbor for thanksgiving. 46 00:03:31,664 --> 00:03:33,532 We're gonna leave as soon as I finish 47 00:03:33,633 --> 00:03:38,170 - Making my feng shui home protection tool. - How does that work? 48 00:03:38,271 --> 00:03:42,407 Well, jill, the horizontal flute is the guardian of hopes and desires. 49 00:03:42,508 --> 00:03:46,812 And the two angled flutes radiate peace throughout the house and the universe. 50 00:03:46,913 --> 00:03:50,749 - What do the red tassels do? - They scare away squirrels. 51 00:03:50,850 --> 00:03:53,786 What are the holiday plans for the taylors this year? 52 00:03:53,887 --> 00:03:56,555 Well, my mom is gonna be with my sister in texas. 53 00:03:56,656 --> 00:04:00,625 Tim's mom is gonna be with his brother, jeff, so it's just the five of us. 54 00:04:00,726 --> 00:04:04,096 I thought maybe I'd get up early and try out some new recipes. 55 00:04:04,197 --> 00:04:06,565 - Why new recipes? - Everybody hates my cooking, 56 00:04:06,667 --> 00:04:10,836 So I thought I might as well make it interesting for me. 57 00:04:10,937 --> 00:04:14,973 - Oh, hi. How's it going, jill? - Hey, willow. 58 00:04:15,074 --> 00:04:17,042 Oh, that's a great looking turkey. 59 00:04:17,144 --> 00:04:20,179 Actually, it's 100 percent soybean. 60 00:04:20,280 --> 00:04:22,681 It's called a "soy-key". 61 00:04:25,185 --> 00:04:27,052 I am so looking forward to thanksgiving. 62 00:04:27,153 --> 00:04:31,089 It's the first time in years that the whole wilson clan has all been together. 63 00:04:31,291 --> 00:04:33,592 - Uncle wilbur. - Aunt willemina. 64 00:04:33,693 --> 00:04:36,262 - Cousin wilford. - Uncle willard. 65 00:04:36,363 --> 00:04:39,098 - Grandma wilma. - And bob. 66 00:04:39,199 --> 00:04:40,833 - Bob? - He's the black sheep. 67 00:04:40,934 --> 00:04:43,736 Ah. Well, every family has to have a troublemaker. 68 00:04:43,837 --> 00:04:48,273 No, no, no. Bob is a very nice sheep. He just gets cranky at shearing time. 69 00:04:50,142 --> 00:04:52,344 Hey, bradley. I got great news. 70 00:04:52,446 --> 00:04:55,748 You pumped so much air into al, he's bigger than his mom. 71 00:04:57,117 --> 00:04:59,785 No, that would be quite impossible. 72 00:04:59,886 --> 00:05:03,288 Get this. Clay ford, the owner of the lions, is a big tool time fan. 73 00:05:03,390 --> 00:05:07,025 He's offered us the use of a luxury box for the thanksgiving game. 74 00:05:07,126 --> 00:05:09,128 Our own private box? That is so cool. 75 00:05:09,229 --> 00:05:11,096 Yeah, there's just one annoying detail. 76 00:05:11,198 --> 00:05:13,599 - [door opening] - and there she is. 77 00:05:15,368 --> 00:05:16,435 - Hi. - Hi. 78 00:05:16,602 --> 00:05:18,770 What do you think about a soy turkey? 79 00:05:18,871 --> 00:05:20,372 Hey, I'm up for anything. 80 00:05:20,473 --> 00:05:24,209 You know what I believe, that no matter what you eat or where you eat it, 81 00:05:24,310 --> 00:05:27,880 Thanksgiving is great as long as we're all together. 82 00:05:30,550 --> 00:05:33,285 We are not gonna spend thanksgiving at a car show. 83 00:05:33,386 --> 00:05:35,421 Don't be ridiculous. Now, listen. 84 00:05:35,522 --> 00:05:38,590 We've been offered a luxury box at the silverdome. 85 00:05:38,691 --> 00:05:42,628 We can enjoy an incredible thanksgiving dinner in the privacy of our own room. 86 00:05:42,729 --> 00:05:46,531 You're saying you'd rather spend the day in a football stadium 87 00:05:46,633 --> 00:05:50,068 Being served thanksgiving meal by total strangers? 88 00:05:50,169 --> 00:05:52,638 - Yes. - Hot damn! I'm sleeping in. 89 00:05:52,739 --> 00:05:54,540 All right. 90 00:05:59,212 --> 00:06:01,213 Check out the view. 91 00:06:02,882 --> 00:06:04,550 Wow. This is really beautiful. 92 00:06:04,651 --> 00:06:08,620 - Yeah, if you like disgusting opulence. - And I do. 93 00:06:09,722 --> 00:06:12,925 I don't believe it. There is a tv in the bathroom. 94 00:06:13,026 --> 00:06:15,527 So you won't miss a minute of the excitement. 95 00:06:15,628 --> 00:06:17,495 Or in your case, 45 minutes. 96 00:06:19,265 --> 00:06:22,768 Hello, taylor family. Welcome to box 12. 97 00:06:28,574 --> 00:06:33,045 I'm ted, your personal silverdome liaison and I've got hats. 98 00:06:33,146 --> 00:06:35,980 Oh, thank you. I'm jill taylor. 99 00:06:36,082 --> 00:06:39,384 And that's randy, mark and brad and my husband, tim taylor. 100 00:06:39,485 --> 00:06:41,720 Hey, it's "the tool man." 101 00:06:41,821 --> 00:06:43,788 [imitating tim] "oh! Oh!" 102 00:06:47,561 --> 00:06:50,463 Good to meet you, ted. Um, you look awful familiar. 103 00:06:50,564 --> 00:06:51,664 Have we met before? 104 00:06:51,965 --> 00:06:54,733 No. Perhaps you've met one of my brothers. 105 00:06:54,834 --> 00:06:56,635 Ned or fred? 106 00:06:56,736 --> 00:06:59,672 Wait a minute. One brother works at the airport in alpena. 107 00:06:59,773 --> 00:07:03,308 And the other brother at a gas station in the middle of nowhere. I met 'em. 108 00:07:03,409 --> 00:07:06,811 Yes. I hope they didn't give you any trouble. 109 00:07:06,912 --> 00:07:08,847 They've always been pretty ornery. 110 00:07:08,948 --> 00:07:13,051 One time they held me down and packed my nose with candy corn. 111 00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:16,422 Kids can be so cruel. 112 00:07:16,523 --> 00:07:18,457 This was last christmas. 113 00:07:20,193 --> 00:07:21,893 By the way, tim, I've been authorized 114 00:07:21,994 --> 00:07:25,364 To give you a tour of the silverdome's nerve center. 115 00:07:25,465 --> 00:07:29,368 Home of our state-of-the-art electrical and plumbing system. 116 00:07:29,469 --> 00:07:33,138 - Somebody pinch me! - You can watch the game on the monitors 117 00:07:33,239 --> 00:07:36,441 And I'll have you back at halftime for dinner with your family. 118 00:07:36,609 --> 00:07:39,144 - Thank you, ted. - I'll be up to get you in a while. 119 00:07:39,446 --> 00:07:41,279 - All right. - Thank you. 120 00:07:41,380 --> 00:07:43,048 Would you look at all this food? 121 00:07:43,149 --> 00:07:47,052 Do you know how many needy families it could have fed on thanksgiving? 122 00:07:47,153 --> 00:07:48,654 Ooh. Crab puffs. 123 00:07:50,156 --> 00:07:54,793 Sorry I'm late. I ran into harry belafonte at the vip elevator. 124 00:07:54,894 --> 00:07:57,095 What a chatterbox. 125 00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:03,735 - I'm sorry. You would be...? - Irv schmayman. 126 00:08:03,836 --> 00:08:05,637 Major television producer. 127 00:08:05,738 --> 00:08:08,907 - And you are...? - Tim taylor, major television star. 128 00:08:09,008 --> 00:08:10,809 - Taylor. - Yeah. 129 00:08:10,910 --> 00:08:13,078 Never heard of you. 130 00:08:13,179 --> 00:08:15,514 Well, maybe you have the wrong booth. 131 00:08:15,615 --> 00:08:18,483 Box 12. The lions front office set me up. 132 00:08:18,584 --> 00:08:21,720 Didn't you say this booth was just gonna be for our family? 133 00:08:21,821 --> 00:08:24,823 Hey, we are all in the entertainment family. 134 00:08:24,924 --> 00:08:28,861 All part of the business I like to call, "show." 135 00:08:30,563 --> 00:08:32,531 Well, irv, this is my wife, jill 136 00:08:32,632 --> 00:08:35,634 And these are my boys, randy, brad and mark. 137 00:08:35,735 --> 00:08:37,202 Irv schmayman. 138 00:08:37,303 --> 00:08:39,104 Hollywood legend. 139 00:08:40,974 --> 00:08:44,209 Here's my card. Pass it around, kid. 140 00:08:44,310 --> 00:08:46,444 Well, so much for our family thanksgiving. 141 00:08:46,545 --> 00:08:48,446 Honey, it's just one schmayman. 142 00:08:50,783 --> 00:08:52,383 [irv] girls? 143 00:08:54,620 --> 00:08:57,556 These are my personal assistants, jenny and cindy. 144 00:08:57,657 --> 00:09:00,359 They're going to be joining us for thanksgiving. 145 00:09:00,460 --> 00:09:02,994 Now I've got something to be thankful for. 146 00:09:05,998 --> 00:09:08,801 - All right, lions won! - The game just started. 147 00:09:08,902 --> 00:09:10,736 No, they won the coin toss. 148 00:09:13,139 --> 00:09:17,309 The holiday season always reminds me of my helen reddy special, 149 00:09:17,410 --> 00:09:19,578 Reddy or not, it's christmas. 150 00:09:20,446 --> 00:09:23,315 It was a ratings volcano. 151 00:09:23,416 --> 00:09:25,650 Are you guys gonna watch the game or chat? 152 00:09:25,751 --> 00:09:30,222 Whoa, relax, timski. I've got friends at the network. I'll get you a tape. 153 00:09:30,322 --> 00:09:32,758 Excuse me. Mr. Taylor? 154 00:09:32,859 --> 00:09:36,294 Are you ready to explore the bowels of the silverdome? 155 00:09:36,395 --> 00:09:38,464 Let me loose. 156 00:09:38,565 --> 00:09:41,734 Tim, can I speak to you for a moment? He'll be right there. 157 00:09:41,835 --> 00:09:43,335 [clearing throat] 158 00:09:43,436 --> 00:09:46,672 You cannot leave us alone with the schmayman, 159 00:09:48,541 --> 00:09:50,476 Jill, jill, jill. 160 00:09:50,576 --> 00:09:53,379 Thanksgiving is about compassion. 161 00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:55,514 It's about reaching out to others. 162 00:09:55,615 --> 00:09:58,083 It's about being there for other people. 163 00:09:58,851 --> 00:10:00,351 Gotta go. 164 00:10:03,622 --> 00:10:07,993 These are the transformers and all the breakers. 165 00:10:08,094 --> 00:10:10,729 I love spending time down here. 166 00:10:10,830 --> 00:10:12,497 Who wouldn't? 167 00:10:12,598 --> 00:10:15,734 The place is so homey. 168 00:10:15,835 --> 00:10:18,637 If you like this, wait till you see our control room. 169 00:10:18,738 --> 00:10:21,606 That's where we operate all of the silverdome's lights 170 00:10:21,707 --> 00:10:23,308 And our 2,000 toilets. 171 00:10:23,409 --> 00:10:27,179 Wait a minute. Two thousand toilets? 172 00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:30,749 Is there a button you can press to flush them all at once? 173 00:10:30,850 --> 00:10:33,718 No, but I'll bring it up at the next board meeting. 174 00:10:33,820 --> 00:10:36,922 You're a thinker. I like that. 175 00:10:37,023 --> 00:10:40,658 So, finally, I tell the network, "you've got a great idea. 176 00:10:40,759 --> 00:10:41,993 But the show needs a twist. 177 00:10:42,095 --> 00:10:45,130 You want funny? Make the nun fly." 178 00:10:47,533 --> 00:10:50,935 If your father doesn't get back soon I'm gonna have to kill him. 179 00:10:51,037 --> 00:10:52,871 Dad or schmayman? 180 00:10:53,606 --> 00:10:55,240 Whoever's closest. 181 00:10:55,975 --> 00:10:57,809 [crowd cheering] 182 00:11:01,047 --> 00:11:05,217 I've been so blessed. I have this superhuman feel for what's funny. 183 00:11:05,318 --> 00:11:08,487 Pants are funny. Pork is funny. 184 00:11:08,588 --> 00:11:09,988 Fish are funny. 185 00:11:10,089 --> 00:11:11,590 I think I might vomit. 186 00:11:11,691 --> 00:11:13,458 Vomit, big funny. 187 00:11:15,862 --> 00:11:18,563 Ted, I can't thank you enough. 188 00:11:18,664 --> 00:11:22,634 If I can put a smile on "the tool man's" face, my dream has come true. 189 00:11:22,735 --> 00:11:26,405 - You really mean that? - No, I'm just being a good host. 190 00:11:26,506 --> 00:11:30,709 Before you go back to your family, I have one more surprise for you. 191 00:11:30,810 --> 00:11:33,044 I don't think my heart can take it. Let me guess. 192 00:11:33,145 --> 00:11:35,447 An autographed copy of the building permit. 193 00:11:35,548 --> 00:11:38,217 Hey, I'm a liaison. I'm not god. 194 00:11:39,986 --> 00:11:43,489 Smile, "tool man". You're on jumbo vision. 195 00:11:43,689 --> 00:11:45,523 - No, no. The big screen? - Yeah. 196 00:11:45,624 --> 00:11:47,892 This is cool. 197 00:11:52,698 --> 00:11:54,966 That is one beautiful turkey. 198 00:11:57,603 --> 00:12:01,540 I pitched a series to cbs about a talking turkey. 199 00:12:01,641 --> 00:12:04,443 They told me to stuff it. [laughing] 200 00:12:07,079 --> 00:12:09,281 Hello! Is this thing on? 201 00:12:12,118 --> 00:12:14,519 This is a nightmare. 202 00:12:14,620 --> 00:12:17,622 Hey, look. Dad's on jumbo vision. 203 00:12:17,757 --> 00:12:22,728 [announcer] on jumbo vision, our special guest, tim "the tool man"... 204 00:12:22,829 --> 00:12:24,562 Look at that. 205 00:12:24,663 --> 00:12:27,299 The contrast on these monitors is bad. Let me work on this. 206 00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:29,234 No, tim. Don't touch anything! 207 00:12:29,335 --> 00:12:32,704 I'm in the business, ted. I know how to work these things. 208 00:12:35,040 --> 00:12:37,475 This is specially made for the silverdome... 209 00:12:37,576 --> 00:12:39,844 [ted] oh, my god. 210 00:12:49,088 --> 00:12:53,992 [randy] dad just ruined thanksgiving for 80,000 people. 211 00:12:54,093 --> 00:12:57,763 - [irv] I'm gonna grab a yam. - [jill] that's not a yam, irv. 212 00:13:04,169 --> 00:13:07,338 [announcer] ladies and gentlemen, please remain seated. 213 00:13:07,439 --> 00:13:12,077 The lights should be back on as soon as someone figures out how to fix them. 214 00:13:13,079 --> 00:13:15,347 How long do you think it'll take to fix this? 215 00:13:15,448 --> 00:13:20,552 You better hope it's fast, because every person in this stadium saw what you did. 216 00:13:20,653 --> 00:13:24,423 Some of them were probably in the bathroom. 217 00:13:24,524 --> 00:13:27,192 Yeah. Those guys will be real happy. 218 00:13:30,730 --> 00:13:33,865 Let "the tool man" in there. I work great under pressure. 219 00:13:33,966 --> 00:13:36,768 Oh, no, you don't. Sit down and don't touch anything. 220 00:13:36,869 --> 00:13:42,207 The more I think about it, your toilet flushing button idea stunk. 221 00:13:44,143 --> 00:13:47,980 I think I understand why your brothers shoved candy corn up your nose. 222 00:13:52,318 --> 00:13:54,319 Boy, this takes me back. 223 00:13:54,420 --> 00:13:59,190 January, 1994, the earthquake hit and wiped out the power 224 00:13:59,292 --> 00:14:01,893 While tina turner was staying in my guest house. 225 00:14:01,994 --> 00:14:03,828 So, let me guess. 226 00:14:03,929 --> 00:14:07,331 You went next door and borrowed a flashlight from david bowie. 227 00:14:07,432 --> 00:14:11,536 You know, jillsie, we schmaymans are pretty perceptive people. 228 00:14:11,637 --> 00:14:16,140 And I am picking up a hint of sarcasm on my "schmaydar." 229 00:14:21,981 --> 00:14:23,548 Hey, schmayman. 230 00:14:24,917 --> 00:14:26,617 Hey. 231 00:14:26,718 --> 00:14:28,719 What can I tell you, huh? 232 00:14:32,125 --> 00:14:35,260 - Hey, rodney. - I had a hard time finding you. 233 00:14:35,361 --> 00:14:38,696 After they saw my face they turned off all the lights. 234 00:14:40,099 --> 00:14:42,000 Rodney starred in my christmas special. 235 00:14:42,101 --> 00:14:43,835 I don't get no respect: On ice. 236 00:14:43,936 --> 00:14:45,904 Oh, and I'll tell you, it was cold. 237 00:14:46,138 --> 00:14:50,942 It was so cold, it was colder than my wife's handshake on our honeymoon. 238 00:14:51,043 --> 00:14:52,677 - Hello. - How do you do, baby. 239 00:14:52,779 --> 00:14:55,947 I'm jill taylor. I can't believe it's rodney dangerfield. 240 00:14:56,048 --> 00:14:59,717 - What are you doing in detroit? - Looking for plugs and points. 241 00:15:02,021 --> 00:15:04,555 I was the grand marshal at the great american parade. 242 00:15:04,657 --> 00:15:10,095 And if they made me the grand marshal, how great can america be, you know? 243 00:15:11,397 --> 00:15:14,032 Mom? Who's rodney dangerfield? 244 00:15:15,167 --> 00:15:18,036 Honey, he's a famous comic. He's hilarious. 245 00:15:18,137 --> 00:15:22,707 What's with the black outfit? Devil worshipers are in box 666. 246 00:15:24,377 --> 00:15:27,212 - You are good. - Thanks, shorty. 247 00:15:31,184 --> 00:15:33,685 When I was a kid, I was short myself. 248 00:15:33,786 --> 00:15:36,588 I was so short I had to blow my nose through my fly. 249 00:15:36,689 --> 00:15:38,323 [laughter] 250 00:15:46,999 --> 00:15:48,799 Are you this funny at home? 251 00:15:49,135 --> 00:15:52,003 Not since my wife's mother moved in. 252 00:15:52,104 --> 00:15:54,772 What a barracuda. 253 00:15:54,873 --> 00:15:56,675 My husband will be so sorry he missed you. 254 00:15:56,776 --> 00:16:00,679 Would you consider staying and having thanksgiving dinner with us? 255 00:16:00,780 --> 00:16:02,547 That's very kind of you. I'd love to. 256 00:16:02,648 --> 00:16:05,750 When I was a kid I had it rough. We were poor. 257 00:16:05,851 --> 00:16:08,453 How poor were you? 258 00:16:08,554 --> 00:16:12,890 How poor? On thanksgiving my old man showed us a picture of a turkey. 259 00:16:14,726 --> 00:16:17,895 I sat there all day trying to lick the gravy. 260 00:16:21,300 --> 00:16:24,469 Bad news. If we don't get the lights fixed in 15 minutes, 261 00:16:24,570 --> 00:16:26,404 The game is cancelled. 262 00:16:26,505 --> 00:16:28,373 Wait a minute. Wait a minute. 263 00:16:28,474 --> 00:16:32,577 I believe one time I saved some time by wiring around the circuit breaker. 264 00:16:32,678 --> 00:16:35,546 Couldn't that cause the transformer to blow up? 265 00:16:35,648 --> 00:16:37,349 If memory serves, yes. 266 00:16:38,484 --> 00:16:39,884 Why don't you go to your family? 267 00:16:39,985 --> 00:16:42,220 I'm not gonna walk across the silverdome. 268 00:16:42,321 --> 00:16:44,989 There might be people out there that want my blood. 269 00:16:45,091 --> 00:16:46,258 I'm aware of that. 270 00:16:46,359 --> 00:16:48,560 [angry shouting] 271 00:16:53,199 --> 00:16:57,068 Wow. Look at all these people. This is turning into one heck of a party. 272 00:16:57,169 --> 00:17:00,672 What can I say? In the face of tragedy, I host. 273 00:17:00,773 --> 00:17:03,741 Mr. Dangerfield, I hope I'm not speaking out of turn, 274 00:17:03,843 --> 00:17:06,978 But you seem to have some self-esteem issues. 275 00:17:07,079 --> 00:17:08,379 Oh, you can say that again. 276 00:17:08,480 --> 00:17:11,048 When I was born the doctor smacked my mother. 277 00:17:13,352 --> 00:17:16,387 Rodney, remember our special? You were doing your act, 278 00:17:16,489 --> 00:17:19,491 And aretha franklin skated out onto the ice. 279 00:17:19,592 --> 00:17:21,660 And she sang that song to me all about respect. 280 00:17:21,761 --> 00:17:24,295 Oh, yeah, I taught that song to you guys. 281 00:17:24,397 --> 00:17:28,099 ♪ r-e-s-p-e-c-t find out what it means to me ♪ 282 00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:30,936 ♪ sock it to me, sock it to me sock it to me, sock it to me ♪ 283 00:17:31,037 --> 00:17:33,604 That's enough "sock it to me", ok? 284 00:17:33,705 --> 00:17:37,142 Reminds me of my neighborhood. My neighborhood is tough. 285 00:17:37,243 --> 00:17:40,445 They said to a kid in school, "what comes after a sentence?" 286 00:17:40,546 --> 00:17:42,347 He said, "you make an appeal." 287 00:17:47,586 --> 00:17:51,823 I just wanted to have a nice thanksgiving dinner with my family. 288 00:17:51,924 --> 00:17:53,992 Look what happened! 289 00:17:57,563 --> 00:17:59,231 Sorry! 290 00:17:59,966 --> 00:18:01,399 Wait. Do that again. 291 00:18:01,500 --> 00:18:03,068 Sorry! 292 00:18:04,436 --> 00:18:06,905 No, no, hit the console. 293 00:18:07,573 --> 00:18:09,908 [whirring] 294 00:18:10,009 --> 00:18:12,076 [cheering] 295 00:18:14,213 --> 00:18:15,780 What were you worried about? 296 00:18:18,850 --> 00:18:21,986 So long, charo. Coochie-coochie. 297 00:18:23,422 --> 00:18:25,122 Hey, the lights are back on! 298 00:18:25,223 --> 00:18:27,725 Yeah, the players are headed back onto the field. 299 00:18:27,827 --> 00:18:31,295 Hey, listen, I got a massage at my hotel in ten minutes. 300 00:18:31,396 --> 00:18:33,264 Taylor family, can I be frank? 301 00:18:33,365 --> 00:18:37,602 This has been the most moving, enjoyable holiday I have ever had. 302 00:18:37,703 --> 00:18:40,605 And that includes passover with the tony curtises. 303 00:18:40,706 --> 00:18:42,974 [laughing] thank you. 304 00:18:43,075 --> 00:18:46,444 - Thank you. Good-bye. - God bless you. I mean it. Stay well. 305 00:18:46,545 --> 00:18:48,846 Ok. Thanks. 306 00:18:48,947 --> 00:18:52,116 Oh. Can you believe that this actually happened? 307 00:18:52,218 --> 00:18:54,118 Oh, yes, that was unbelievable. 308 00:18:54,220 --> 00:18:57,121 You know, jenny told me to call her when I'm 21. 309 00:18:58,957 --> 00:19:01,659 Yeah, and irv wants first look at my next screenplay. 310 00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:05,597 I'm reconsidering my distaste for conspicuous consumption. 311 00:19:06,599 --> 00:19:08,500 Ooh. Dibs on the last truffle. 312 00:19:10,869 --> 00:19:14,305 Hey, I'm sorry I wrecked your thanksgiving, ok. 313 00:19:14,406 --> 00:19:16,007 No! You kidding? It was great. 314 00:19:16,108 --> 00:19:18,109 It was the best thanksgiving ever. 315 00:19:18,210 --> 00:19:21,178 We got to hang out with rodney dangerfield. 316 00:19:21,279 --> 00:19:25,116 [imitating rodney] it was wild. It was like my neighborhood. 317 00:19:25,217 --> 00:19:27,351 You know, my neighborhood was so wild, 318 00:19:27,452 --> 00:19:30,555 When the kids played hopscotch they used real scotch. 319 00:19:32,591 --> 00:19:35,993 Trying to cheer me up is getting pathetic here, ok? 320 00:19:36,094 --> 00:19:38,763 Hey, jill, I forgot to give you my phone number in l.A. 321 00:19:38,864 --> 00:19:42,399 If you get to l.A., bring the family. We'll have a barbeque, ok? 322 00:19:42,501 --> 00:19:47,505 And you'll meet my doctor, dr. Vinnie boombach. 323 00:19:47,606 --> 00:19:51,376 I saw him last week and asked him if my heart was strong enough for sex. 324 00:19:51,476 --> 00:19:53,511 He told me not if I join in. 325 00:19:56,282 --> 00:19:59,484 Rodney dangerfield, I'm tim taylor. I'm her husband. 326 00:19:59,585 --> 00:20:03,988 Oh, yeah. You're the knucklehead who screwed up the lights, huh? 327 00:20:04,089 --> 00:20:06,557 If you get to l.A. Just bring the kids, ok? 328 00:20:08,427 --> 00:20:10,227 You take it easy. I hope I run into you. 329 00:20:10,329 --> 00:20:12,029 When I'm driving! 330 00:20:19,705 --> 00:20:21,306 And welcome back to tool time. 331 00:20:21,407 --> 00:20:24,041 Today we're going to restore antique picture frames. 332 00:20:24,143 --> 00:20:28,213 Because under an ugly exterior sometimes you can find a true beauty. 333 00:20:28,314 --> 00:20:31,048 [chuckling] that's not the case... Oh, never mind. 334 00:20:31,150 --> 00:20:35,620 Ok, uh... To help us out today we have a very special guest. 335 00:20:35,721 --> 00:20:38,956 The grand marshal of the great american parade doesn't like me, 336 00:20:39,057 --> 00:20:40,758 But evidently, he likes tool time. 337 00:20:40,859 --> 00:20:44,729 That's why he's here. Let's give a warm welcome to rodney dangerfield. 338 00:20:44,830 --> 00:20:47,298 [audience cheering, applauding] 339 00:20:51,637 --> 00:20:55,440 Here, honey. Buy the rest of that dress, will ya? 340 00:20:57,376 --> 00:21:01,679 - Over here, rodney. - Ooh, could she break up a happy home. 341 00:21:01,780 --> 00:21:04,315 - Great to have you on the show. - A pleasure. 342 00:21:04,417 --> 00:21:06,184 What are we working on today, boys? 343 00:21:06,285 --> 00:21:09,454 We're gonna refinish this frame for a husky picture al's got. 344 00:21:09,555 --> 00:21:13,425 Speaking of husky, I understand you were a husky kid. How husky were you? 345 00:21:13,526 --> 00:21:16,861 I'm not here to do jokes. I'm here to help al with a project. 346 00:21:19,532 --> 00:21:24,102 I hear that you were poor and lived in the projects. How poor were you? 347 00:21:25,204 --> 00:21:27,605 None of your business. 348 00:21:27,639 --> 00:21:30,174 What kind of wood are we using in this frame? 349 00:21:30,275 --> 00:21:32,977 - Distressed maple. - Speaking of distressed, 350 00:21:33,078 --> 00:21:36,280 I understand your wife is annoying. How annoying is she? 351 00:21:36,381 --> 00:21:38,450 Not as annoying as you. 352 00:21:39,718 --> 00:21:41,553 How do you work with this guy, huh? 353 00:21:41,654 --> 00:21:44,756 It's tough. I gotta tell ya, I don't get any respect. 354 00:21:45,824 --> 00:21:47,392 You're talking to the original. 355 00:21:47,493 --> 00:21:49,460 'cause I don't get no respect at all. 356 00:21:49,728 --> 00:21:52,630 I got no sex life. My wife cut me down to once a month. 357 00:21:52,731 --> 00:21:56,066 I'm lucky. Two guys I know she cut out completely.