1
00:00:01,955 --> 00:00:03,122
Heidi: Does everybody
know what time it is?
2
00:00:03,189 --> 00:00:05,324
All: Tool time!
3
00:00:05,391 --> 00:00:07,893
That's right!
Binford tools is
proud to present
4
00:00:07,961 --> 00:00:11,263
Tim "the birthday boy" taylor!
5
00:00:11,331 --> 00:00:12,698
(all cheering)
6
00:00:12,766 --> 00:00:14,100
(whistling)
7
00:00:21,041 --> 00:00:22,942
Thank you, everybody!
Happy birthday.
8
00:00:23,010 --> 00:00:25,011
Thank you, heidi.
Welcome to tool time.
9
00:00:25,078 --> 00:00:29,649
I am,
and I intend always to be,
tim "the tool man" taylor.
10
00:00:29,716 --> 00:00:30,816
Of course you know
my assistant,
11
00:00:30,884 --> 00:00:32,618
The poster boy
for plaid magazine,
12
00:00:32,686 --> 00:00:34,353
Alfred e. Borland.
13
00:00:35,822 --> 00:00:37,356
Thank you.
14
00:00:37,423 --> 00:00:39,158
Happy birthday, tim.
Thanks, al.
15
00:00:39,225 --> 00:00:42,695
Congratulations on surviving
another year without
electrocuting yourself.
16
00:00:44,197 --> 00:00:46,766
Hey, show's
not over yet.
17
00:00:46,833 --> 00:00:48,934
Well, folks,
it's my birthday today.
Thanks for showing up.
18
00:00:49,002 --> 00:00:50,136
And I gotta be
honest with you.
19
00:00:50,203 --> 00:00:51,804
I don't like birthdays.
You know why?
20
00:00:51,872 --> 00:00:53,539
Audience: Why?
21
00:00:53,606 --> 00:00:56,508
Well, because every year
a well-intended person
22
00:00:56,576 --> 00:00:58,243
Plans my birthday
for me.
23
00:00:58,311 --> 00:01:00,446
This year I'm doing
just what I want to do.
24
00:01:00,514 --> 00:01:03,749
Me, me, me, me,
me, me, me.
25
00:01:03,816 --> 00:01:06,218
I'm going to a nascar race.
Got vip seats.
26
00:01:06,286 --> 00:01:07,753
Yeah. And after the race
I'm coming home.
27
00:01:07,821 --> 00:01:09,956
I've got it taped.
I'm gonna watch
it again,
28
00:01:10,023 --> 00:01:13,592
This time in my recliner
sitting there in my house
enjoying the three r's, baby!
29
00:01:13,660 --> 00:01:15,627
And the three r's
would be?
You know 'em, huh?
30
00:01:15,696 --> 00:01:18,130
Remote, ribs
and rolaids.
31
00:01:18,198 --> 00:01:21,133
Well, in honor
of tim's birthday,
we asked our viewers
32
00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:24,270
To give us their version
of a "man's cake."
33
00:01:24,337 --> 00:01:27,173
Well, here's a mag wheel
cake from jim in ypsilanti.
34
00:01:27,241 --> 00:01:29,642
Jim, good job
with the mag wheel.
I like it already.
35
00:01:29,709 --> 00:01:33,045
It's a butter cream
filling with
a chiffon base.
36
00:01:35,048 --> 00:01:38,784
Why didn't you
guys just send me
a chiffon dress?
37
00:01:38,851 --> 00:01:40,886
What happened to
devil's-food cake?
38
00:01:40,954 --> 00:01:43,522
It's easy to make.
And that's what we're gonna
show you how to do today.
39
00:01:43,589 --> 00:01:46,959
You got a bowl. Very simple.
You put in the cake mix.
40
00:01:47,027 --> 00:01:50,529
Pronto, just like that.
A little cholesterol.
41
00:01:50,596 --> 00:01:54,634
Eggs. You got your butter.
42
00:01:54,534 --> 00:01:57,470
And a soupcon of
oil for your fats.
43
00:01:57,538 --> 00:01:58,971
A little bit
more for easy exit.
44
00:01:59,039 --> 00:02:00,439
There you go.
45
00:02:02,075 --> 00:02:04,544
You mix it up.
You put it in one of
those little cake pans.
46
00:02:04,611 --> 00:02:06,078
You put a little
of that shortening
in there.
47
00:02:06,146 --> 00:02:08,113
You put it in the oven.
Ba-da-boom, ba-da-bing!
48
00:02:08,182 --> 00:02:10,249
350. Next thing you know...
49
00:02:11,652 --> 00:02:13,085
(oven bell rings)
50
00:02:14,555 --> 00:02:18,658
You have a cake
that is shaped
like a brick.
51
00:02:18,725 --> 00:02:23,495
And that baby
is dead level.
52
00:02:23,563 --> 00:02:26,165
Looks good enough to eat, al.
As a matter of fact,
53
00:02:26,232 --> 00:02:29,835
I think I'm gonna
enjoy a little slice
of this bad boy right now.
54
00:02:29,902 --> 00:02:31,203
Well, tim, actually,
before you do that,
55
00:02:31,271 --> 00:02:33,805
I want to show you
my surprise cake.
56
00:02:33,873 --> 00:02:35,307
Well, al,
I want to sit down...
It took...
57
00:02:35,375 --> 00:02:37,676
...And take a look at
these gifts I've got here.
Look at that cake.
58
00:02:37,744 --> 00:02:40,412
Well, actually,
I have a surprise
cake for...
59
00:02:56,730 --> 00:02:57,830
Surprise!
60
00:03:51,518 --> 00:03:52,785
Oh, yeah.
61
00:03:54,788 --> 00:03:56,289
Oh.
62
00:03:56,356 --> 00:03:57,490
Yeah!
63
00:03:58,558 --> 00:04:02,461
Oh, sweet mystery of life.
64
00:04:02,529 --> 00:04:07,199
I told you not to
do that tool time
salute to nerve gas.
65
00:04:07,266 --> 00:04:09,334
If I'd found this chair
before I found your mother,
66
00:04:09,402 --> 00:04:11,870
You wouldn't be around
to make that joke.
67
00:04:11,938 --> 00:04:13,105
Whoa.
68
00:04:14,607 --> 00:04:17,375
Hi, guys.
What are you doing?
69
00:04:17,443 --> 00:04:20,946
Just practicing
for my day by myself
for my birthday.
70
00:04:21,014 --> 00:04:22,514
The guys gave me
this at work.
71
00:04:22,582 --> 00:04:24,016
It's got little
slots for my drinks
72
00:04:24,084 --> 00:04:26,719
And my selection
of fine aerosol cheeses.
73
00:04:28,554 --> 00:04:30,956
Well, if you think
that's great, wait till
you see what I got you.
74
00:04:31,024 --> 00:04:32,858
Yeah?
75
00:04:32,925 --> 00:04:35,961
Oh, I was gonna give it
to you at dinner tonight,
but I'm too excited.
76
00:04:36,029 --> 00:04:39,898
Does it have anything
to do with nascar racing
or chewable antacids?
77
00:04:39,966 --> 00:04:41,967
(laughing)
not even close.
78
00:04:47,240 --> 00:04:48,573
A little boat
for the bathtub?
79
00:04:48,642 --> 00:04:51,043
No. Look under it.
Under it.
80
00:04:51,111 --> 00:04:52,444
No, in the box!
In the box.
81
00:04:52,512 --> 00:04:54,480
Oh, look.
Airline tickets.
82
00:04:54,547 --> 00:04:56,648
Yeah.
83
00:04:56,716 --> 00:04:58,016
You planned something
for my birthday?
84
00:04:58,084 --> 00:05:01,053
Yes, I've been
planning it for months.
85
00:05:01,120 --> 00:05:03,121
I told you not
to plan anything
for my birthday.
86
00:05:03,189 --> 00:05:04,557
You say that every year.
87
00:05:04,624 --> 00:05:06,491
Yes, I do.
88
00:05:06,626 --> 00:05:09,194
We're going to kernville,
california.
89
00:05:09,262 --> 00:05:10,796
Kernville?
90
00:05:13,967 --> 00:05:15,467
Three days of roughing it.
91
00:05:15,535 --> 00:05:18,938
River-rafting by day,
camping at night.
Is that fantastic?
92
00:05:19,005 --> 00:05:20,973
That's fantastic.
Yeah.
93
00:05:21,041 --> 00:05:23,809
But, you know,
I don't want to take
the boys out of school.
94
00:05:23,877 --> 00:05:25,444
The boys aren't going.
95
00:05:25,512 --> 00:05:28,347
I want to spend some time
with lauren before she goes
to costa rica.
96
00:05:28,414 --> 00:05:30,115
What about
brad and mark?
97
00:05:30,183 --> 00:05:34,152
Well, they're too embarrassed
to be seen in public
with their parents.
98
00:05:34,220 --> 00:05:36,555
Brad has a soccer game.
Mark's band's
playing at a dance.
99
00:05:36,623 --> 00:05:38,423
Your mom's gonna
look in on them for us.
100
00:05:38,491 --> 00:05:41,727
Great! All right!
101
00:05:41,794 --> 00:05:43,262
Kernville.
102
00:05:45,065 --> 00:05:46,698
For river-rafting,
103
00:05:46,766 --> 00:05:48,934
You're gonna need four,
and the kids can't go.
104
00:05:49,002 --> 00:05:51,069
I'm way ahead of you.
Get this.
105
00:05:51,137 --> 00:05:53,839
Wilson, al and
heidi are going!
106
00:05:53,906 --> 00:05:55,441
Al's going?
Yes!
107
00:05:56,576 --> 00:05:59,245
Happy birthday, honey.
108
00:05:59,312 --> 00:06:01,380
Listen, I'm gonna
go start packing.
109
00:06:01,448 --> 00:06:03,081
I already got
the sleeping bags
dry-cleaned.
110
00:06:03,250 --> 00:06:05,050
All right!
111
00:06:06,352 --> 00:06:08,353
We're going to kernville!
112
00:06:19,131 --> 00:06:20,466
Hi, we're the taylors.
113
00:06:20,533 --> 00:06:21,967
I'm cub.
114
00:06:22,034 --> 00:06:23,268
Welcome to
rafting adventures,
115
00:06:23,336 --> 00:06:25,170
Where rafting is
an adventure.
116
00:06:26,740 --> 00:06:30,008
Did you think that up
all by yourself, cub?
117
00:06:30,076 --> 00:06:33,779
No, no. That was
some college dude.
118
00:06:33,847 --> 00:06:35,514
I'll get you started
on your paperwork
119
00:06:35,581 --> 00:06:37,549
While jane over there
gets you fitted
for life jackets.
120
00:06:37,617 --> 00:06:38,851
Oh, great. Great.
Okay?
121
00:06:38,918 --> 00:06:40,152
I'll be right
over there, honey.
Okay.
122
00:06:40,219 --> 00:06:41,754
Can't wait, huh?
Jill: Yeah.
123
00:06:41,821 --> 00:06:44,189
Oh, boy!
Hey, is there
any chance that
124
00:06:44,257 --> 00:06:46,125
The weather will turn bad
and close the river down?
125
00:06:46,192 --> 00:06:47,660
Oh, I take it
you're not into rafting.
126
00:06:47,727 --> 00:06:49,128
Well, no,
rafting's great, you know?
127
00:06:49,195 --> 00:06:52,531
But it's my birthday,
you know?
128
00:06:52,598 --> 00:06:56,368
And I had vip seats
to see a nascar race,
first class all the way.
129
00:06:56,435 --> 00:06:57,736
Oh, if you're looking
for first class,
130
00:06:57,803 --> 00:07:00,105
You came to the right place
because we offer
deluxe packages
131
00:07:00,173 --> 00:07:02,107
With the finest
accommodations.
132
00:07:02,175 --> 00:07:03,675
Really?
133
00:07:05,145 --> 00:07:07,112
Yeah!
134
00:07:07,180 --> 00:07:10,115
Well, what package
did my wife order?
135
00:07:10,183 --> 00:07:13,218
The "back to basics."
sky above you,
dirt below you.
136
00:07:13,286 --> 00:07:16,922
And watch out
for leaves of three
when you're wiping.
137
00:07:16,990 --> 00:07:19,959
Well, that paints
a pretty picture,
doesn't it?
138
00:07:20,026 --> 00:07:23,661
Is there any way
I can upgrade us
to this imperial package?
139
00:07:23,729 --> 00:07:25,898
Well, sure. Sure.
Well, great.
140
00:07:25,965 --> 00:07:27,632
Let's just keep it
between us.
Oh, okay.
141
00:07:27,700 --> 00:07:29,601
And this ought
to cover it.
142
00:07:29,668 --> 00:07:33,405
While you're at it,
why don't you buy
yourself a real name?
143
00:07:33,472 --> 00:07:35,407
Hey, tim!
We're almost unpacked.
144
00:07:35,474 --> 00:07:37,409
Great.
I can't wait to
get on that river.
145
00:07:37,476 --> 00:07:39,111
It's gonna be
total gnar.
146
00:07:39,212 --> 00:07:40,245
That means big
bad whitewater.
147
00:07:40,513 --> 00:07:41,747
Oh, yeah.
148
00:07:41,815 --> 00:07:43,915
Sounds like
you've been up and down
the river a few times.
149
00:07:43,983 --> 00:07:45,551
That was before
I was married.
150
00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:52,190
All right!
We're ready to raft, huh?
151
00:07:52,258 --> 00:07:54,693
Al, lewis and clark
didn't carry this
much stuff.
152
00:07:54,761 --> 00:07:59,364
Yeah, well, they didn't
spend 18 years in boy scouts.
153
00:07:59,366 --> 00:08:00,599
Boy, you really
prepared for this trip!
154
00:08:00,666 --> 00:08:02,167
You got some
great equipment there.
155
00:08:02,235 --> 00:08:05,004
Well, when I go camping,
I go binford, huh?
156
00:08:05,071 --> 00:08:08,440
I first heard
the call of the wild
when I was eight years old.
157
00:08:08,508 --> 00:08:12,177
That was your mom, wasn't it?
"al, the macaroni's ready!"
158
00:08:12,245 --> 00:08:16,615
Well, hidey ho,
river rats.
159
00:08:16,683 --> 00:08:18,584
Cool helmet.
160
00:08:18,718 --> 00:08:20,552
Yes, this is the kayaking
helmet I wore on my last
river trip.
161
00:08:20,619 --> 00:08:22,220
I kayaked in chile.
162
00:08:22,288 --> 00:08:25,858
I've swam in chili myself.
Look, can we get going?
163
00:08:25,926 --> 00:08:28,060
Not before you get
your life jackets and
sign this waiver, please.
164
00:08:28,127 --> 00:08:29,427
Great.
165
00:08:29,495 --> 00:08:31,663
Cub: If you could
just come over here.
166
00:08:31,731 --> 00:08:34,599
"I understand that
river-rafting involves risks
which include injury..."
167
00:08:34,667 --> 00:08:36,301
Great.
168
00:08:36,369 --> 00:08:41,373
"...Fatality due to capsizing,
collision, drowning
or hypothermia."
169
00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:44,209
♪ happy birthday to me ♪
170
00:08:50,216 --> 00:08:53,085
Al, you knew I wanted
to plan my own birthday.
171
00:08:53,152 --> 00:08:54,686
Why did you
agree to do this?
172
00:08:54,754 --> 00:08:57,022
Well, it sounded
like fun, you know?
173
00:08:57,090 --> 00:09:01,894
Besides, I wanted to try out
my new binford trout buddy.
174
00:09:01,961 --> 00:09:03,595
You call yourself
a friend?
175
00:09:03,663 --> 00:09:07,332
I would never spend
your birthday with you.
176
00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:10,201
You know, just relax.
Enjoy yourself.
177
00:09:10,303 --> 00:09:12,270
I wanted to watch
a nascar race.
178
00:09:12,338 --> 00:09:13,939
We got a safety
lecture coming up.
179
00:09:14,006 --> 00:09:15,340
Safety lecture.
180
00:09:15,408 --> 00:09:17,609
I know. Real men don't
need safety lectures.
181
00:09:17,677 --> 00:09:19,411
Yeah? Who's the real man?
182
00:09:19,479 --> 00:09:21,113
That would be me.
Tim taylor.
183
00:09:21,747 --> 00:09:23,147
Who are you?
184
00:09:23,215 --> 00:09:25,184
You know,
that's a good question.
185
00:09:25,251 --> 00:09:26,819
Ever since the war,
I've been trying
to figure that out.
186
00:09:26,886 --> 00:09:29,955
But with the flashbacks
and the thumping in my brain,
187
00:09:30,023 --> 00:09:31,456
It's been tough.
188
00:09:31,524 --> 00:09:33,759
I was just
looking for a name.
189
00:09:33,826 --> 00:09:36,161
I'm kyle, your guide.
190
00:09:40,300 --> 00:09:41,500
You hit a rock.
191
00:09:41,567 --> 00:09:42,801
Half the boat wants
to go to the right.
192
00:09:42,869 --> 00:09:44,703
The other half wants
to go to the left.
193
00:09:44,770 --> 00:09:46,271
Now you've got to
make a decision.
What do you do?
194
00:09:46,339 --> 00:09:47,606
Taylor!
195
00:09:47,673 --> 00:09:49,308
Kicking some martian butt!
Ha!
196
00:09:49,375 --> 00:09:50,742
Jill: Tim!
197
00:09:50,810 --> 00:09:52,511
Does anybody know what to do
if your boat hits a rock?
198
00:09:52,579 --> 00:09:55,013
I do! You get to
the high side of the raft.
199
00:09:55,081 --> 00:09:56,582
Excellent!
Everybody ready?
200
00:09:56,649 --> 00:09:57,949
Yeah.
Let's go!
201
00:09:58,017 --> 00:09:59,351
Yeah!
202
00:10:00,553 --> 00:10:03,822
Little green blob,
who's your daddy now?
203
00:10:03,889 --> 00:10:06,324
(all clamoring)
204
00:10:10,996 --> 00:10:12,731
Tim: Are you all right?
Yeah, I think so.
205
00:10:12,799 --> 00:10:15,100
It's just, you know,
this thing that flared
up this summer.
206
00:10:15,167 --> 00:10:16,468
Yeah.
It'll be okay.
207
00:10:16,535 --> 00:10:17,636
Easy. Easy, easy,
easy. You all right?
208
00:10:17,704 --> 00:10:18,970
Oh, no.
209
00:10:19,038 --> 00:10:20,739
Wilson: Oh, now, jill,
it doesn't sound like
you're all right to me.
210
00:10:20,807 --> 00:10:22,674
Jill, there's no way
I can let you on this river.
211
00:10:22,742 --> 00:10:23,976
Jill, I'll stay
here with you.
212
00:10:24,043 --> 00:10:25,744
No. No, I don't want
to wreck tim's birthday.
213
00:10:25,812 --> 00:10:27,546
No. You don't
want to do that.
214
00:10:27,613 --> 00:10:30,082
Kyle, is there
any way that she can
stay off the river
215
00:10:30,149 --> 00:10:31,349
But still go
camping with us?
216
00:10:31,417 --> 00:10:33,719
Al?
Sure.
217
00:10:33,786 --> 00:10:35,420
You can stay
with my wife.
218
00:10:35,488 --> 00:10:36,688
You gals can spend
the day together
219
00:10:36,756 --> 00:10:38,824
And she can drive back
to the camp at night.
220
00:10:38,624 --> 00:10:39,924
Are you sure
she doesn't mind that?
221
00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:41,559
Oh, no.
She's got a light day.
222
00:10:41,627 --> 00:10:45,797
All she has to do
is cobble my shoes
and make soup out of bark.
223
00:10:48,100 --> 00:10:50,735
All right, mark.
Get up. You've been
shaking for a half-hour.
224
00:10:50,803 --> 00:10:53,237
I still have
two more minutes.
225
00:10:53,305 --> 00:10:55,807
Yeah? Well, not according
to my watch. Please get up.
226
00:10:55,875 --> 00:10:57,141
(soda spills)
227
00:10:57,209 --> 00:10:58,543
Smooth.
228
00:10:58,611 --> 00:11:00,612
You just spilled grape soda
all over the couch.
229
00:11:00,679 --> 00:11:02,781
Yeah? Well, it's your
fault for not moving.
Now go get some towels.
230
00:11:02,849 --> 00:11:03,882
You're the one
that pushed me.
231
00:11:03,950 --> 00:11:05,016
Shut up.
232
00:11:21,134 --> 00:11:22,801
Gosh, you guys!
It's so beautiful
out here.
233
00:11:22,869 --> 00:11:24,636
The blue sky,
the trees...
234
00:11:24,704 --> 00:11:26,772
Not to mention
these leeches.
235
00:11:26,839 --> 00:11:28,840
Kyle: There are no
leeches on this river.
236
00:11:29,108 --> 00:11:32,643
Well, just in case,
I brought some leech be gone.
237
00:11:32,711 --> 00:11:33,978
Never use that!
238
00:11:34,947 --> 00:11:36,681
Ruins the taste.
239
00:11:36,749 --> 00:11:38,750
So, kyle,
we know that you
like parasites.
240
00:11:38,818 --> 00:11:40,986
How long have you been
a guide on the river here?
241
00:11:41,053 --> 00:11:44,356
Ever since my army buddy
got me the gig.
242
00:11:44,423 --> 00:11:45,691
Then he passed away.
243
00:11:45,758 --> 00:11:47,092
Sorry to hear that.
244
00:11:47,159 --> 00:11:48,527
They say it was
natural causes,
245
00:11:48,595 --> 00:11:52,030
But I say
the government killed him.
246
00:11:52,098 --> 00:11:55,167
Kyle, what do you say
we get you into the shade,
huh?
247
00:11:55,235 --> 00:11:56,334
Hey, rapid ahead.
248
00:11:56,502 --> 00:11:57,803
Kyle: Taylor, start paddling.
249
00:11:57,871 --> 00:11:59,371
Tim: Hey, paddle this!
250
00:12:01,741 --> 00:12:03,308
Kyle: Here we go.
251
00:12:07,213 --> 00:12:08,513
All: Come on!
252
00:12:11,551 --> 00:12:12,784
(whoops)
253
00:12:14,220 --> 00:12:15,653
That was incredible!
254
00:12:15,721 --> 00:12:17,489
Totally awesome!
255
00:12:17,556 --> 00:12:20,192
No, no, no.
What would be awesome is
watching dale earnhardt
256
00:12:20,260 --> 00:12:24,029
Fly around a tri-oval
at about 200
miles an hour, okay?
257
00:12:24,096 --> 00:12:25,764
Tim, can't you
just enjoy yourself?
258
00:12:25,832 --> 00:12:26,865
Yeah, well,
that was just
a class 2 rapid.
259
00:12:26,932 --> 00:12:28,700
Down river we got
some 3's and 4's
260
00:12:28,768 --> 00:12:30,435
That'll fill up
those drawers.
261
00:12:30,503 --> 00:12:32,270
Promises, promises.
262
00:12:32,338 --> 00:12:35,206
You know, birthday boy,
you look a little familiar.
263
00:12:35,274 --> 00:12:38,142
Well, I have
a very popular
television show.
264
00:12:38,210 --> 00:12:40,378
I don't own a tv.
265
00:12:40,446 --> 00:12:42,080
The government uses
the airwaves
266
00:12:42,148 --> 00:12:45,884
To send subliminal messages
to destroy our minds.
267
00:12:45,951 --> 00:12:49,353
And you certainly wouldn't
want anyone messing with
that noggin.
268
00:12:49,421 --> 00:12:51,923
Yeah. Well, this noggin,
269
00:12:51,991 --> 00:12:55,693
It's the only
thing standing between you
and an ugly watery death.
270
00:12:55,761 --> 00:12:59,998
Fluid fills your lungs,
your throat closes up,
your brain shuts down.
271
00:13:00,066 --> 00:13:01,500
(evil snigger)
272
00:13:03,269 --> 00:13:05,537
♪ happy birthday to timmy
273
00:13:05,604 --> 00:13:07,539
♪ happy birthday to me ♪
274
00:13:16,882 --> 00:13:20,052
Bark's tender.
Would you like some soup?
275
00:13:20,119 --> 00:13:22,054
No. I think I'll just wait
till the others get back.
276
00:13:22,121 --> 00:13:25,623
Besides, isn't the rafting
company supposed to
bring us our dinner?
277
00:13:25,691 --> 00:13:27,825
Yeah.
But you don't want
to eat that poison.
278
00:13:27,893 --> 00:13:28,927
I don't?
279
00:13:28,994 --> 00:13:32,130
You know what
usda stands for?
280
00:13:32,198 --> 00:13:35,067
"us deceives americans."
281
00:13:36,069 --> 00:13:37,002
Tim: Hi, honey.
282
00:13:37,069 --> 00:13:39,304
Hey! Hey! How was it?
283
00:13:39,371 --> 00:13:42,273
Oh, it was great.
A couple of
birthday bug bites,
284
00:13:42,341 --> 00:13:43,641
Some birthday river
up my birthday butt,
285
00:13:43,710 --> 00:13:45,576
Couldn't be
birthday better.
286
00:13:45,644 --> 00:13:47,312
You didn't have
a good time?
287
00:13:47,113 --> 00:13:49,480
Yeah, yeah. Yes, I did.
Yeah, of course it
was a great time.
288
00:13:49,548 --> 00:13:50,949
I'm just a little hungry,
I guess.
289
00:13:51,017 --> 00:13:52,684
I've got just
the thing for you.
290
00:13:52,752 --> 00:13:55,554
A hot, steaming bowl
full of wood.
291
00:13:55,621 --> 00:13:58,456
Try it. The bark's
got a little bite to it.
292
00:14:00,159 --> 00:14:03,861
♪ michael,
row the boat ashore
293
00:14:03,929 --> 00:14:07,799
♪ hallelujah
294
00:14:07,866 --> 00:14:11,469
♪ then the feds,
they tax him more
295
00:14:11,537 --> 00:14:16,641
♪ they'll always screw you! ♪
296
00:14:20,813 --> 00:14:22,981
Oh, my god!
What is that?
297
00:14:25,818 --> 00:14:27,285
Relax. Relax.
298
00:14:27,353 --> 00:14:31,589
Last time they landed,
they were very nice to me.
299
00:14:31,657 --> 00:14:34,459
Sounds like
some kind of a bus.
300
00:14:36,228 --> 00:14:39,932
Could be the rafting
company's luxury
motor coach.
301
00:14:39,999 --> 00:14:42,367
Maybe it's
the oak ridge boys!
302
00:14:45,938 --> 00:14:50,375
Jill: What kind of a boob
would order a luxury bus
on a camping trip?
303
00:14:50,442 --> 00:14:52,644
Come on. Come on.
Look at this thing.
304
00:14:52,712 --> 00:14:56,247
Detroit diesel-powered,
convection oven,
sleeps six...
305
00:14:56,315 --> 00:14:58,817
A luxury bus on
a camping trip?
306
00:14:58,885 --> 00:15:01,853
Oh, but you hurt your back.
I wanted you to be
more comfortable.
307
00:15:01,921 --> 00:15:04,890
No, no, no, no.
There was no
phone on that raft.
308
00:15:04,957 --> 00:15:06,658
You did this
before I was hurt.
309
00:15:06,726 --> 00:15:08,860
Okay, okay.
I wanted me to be
more comfortable.
310
00:15:08,928 --> 00:15:11,196
I can't believe you did
this without telling me.
311
00:15:11,263 --> 00:15:13,264
You planned
this whole birthday
without telling me.
312
00:15:13,332 --> 00:15:14,800
Well, duh!
It was a surprise.
313
00:15:14,867 --> 00:15:17,635
Well, a surprise is
supposed to be something
the other person likes.
314
00:15:17,704 --> 00:15:20,706
On my birthday, you just
decide to do things and
then drag me along.
315
00:15:20,773 --> 00:15:22,941
I try to think of
things that you like.
316
00:15:23,009 --> 00:15:25,110
Oh, yeah. Like last year?
On the way to
the bed and breakfast,
317
00:15:25,178 --> 00:15:27,312
You stop off at
a tulip festival?
318
00:15:27,379 --> 00:15:28,546
That was fun.
319
00:15:28,614 --> 00:15:31,649
You made me do
the clog dance!
320
00:15:31,718 --> 00:15:35,187
Look, if you didn't
want to go rafting,
why didn't you just tell me?
321
00:15:35,254 --> 00:15:37,422
Oh, that would've
gone over real well.
322
00:15:37,489 --> 00:15:40,058
"honey,
I know you busted your butt
planning this whole thing,
323
00:15:40,126 --> 00:15:41,893
"but I want to go
to a nascar race by myself
324
00:15:41,961 --> 00:15:43,895
"and feast on
aerosol cheese."
325
00:15:43,963 --> 00:15:46,164
Honey, it was your birthday.
We could've done
what you wanted.
326
00:15:46,232 --> 00:15:48,600
It still is my birthday,
and I want to
stay in this bus.
327
00:15:48,667 --> 00:15:50,535
I can't believe after
19 years of marriage,
328
00:15:50,603 --> 00:15:51,737
You still can't be
honest with me.
329
00:15:51,804 --> 00:15:53,138
I'm being honest
with you right now.
330
00:15:53,206 --> 00:15:55,240
Too late!
331
00:15:59,245 --> 00:16:01,780
(al snoring)
332
00:16:03,582 --> 00:16:07,619
Does anybody know
what time it is?
333
00:16:07,686 --> 00:16:13,291
5:00. Oh, god, my back!
334
00:16:13,359 --> 00:16:16,194
Wilson: I haven't heard
sounds like that
since I was in nairobi
335
00:16:16,262 --> 00:16:19,397
Studying the breathing
patterns of warthogs.
336
00:16:20,499 --> 00:16:22,634
Maybe if he had
another pillow?
337
00:16:22,701 --> 00:16:23,869
Kyle: Done.
338
00:16:23,936 --> 00:16:24,936
(gasps)
339
00:16:25,471 --> 00:16:26,704
Under him!
340
00:16:26,773 --> 00:16:28,439
(snoring)
341
00:16:28,507 --> 00:16:30,976
Hot shower and
a little breakfast.
342
00:16:32,611 --> 00:16:34,112
Ho!
343
00:16:34,180 --> 00:16:36,815
Did I sleep well or what!
344
00:16:36,883 --> 00:16:40,418
I've got some
hot cheese blintzes
in the oven, guys! Huh?
345
00:16:40,486 --> 00:16:41,887
Wilson: Shut up!
Kyle: Shut up.
346
00:16:43,722 --> 00:16:45,457
So did you have any luck
with that stain?
347
00:16:45,524 --> 00:16:46,557
You tell me.
348
00:16:48,995 --> 00:16:50,628
Mark, what'd you
put on there?
349
00:16:50,696 --> 00:16:53,799
I thought I heard
mom say that red wine
takes out soda stains.
350
00:16:53,866 --> 00:16:58,069
No, you idiot.
Soda takes out
red wine stains.
351
00:16:58,137 --> 00:16:59,871
This is bad,
isn't it?
352
00:16:59,938 --> 00:17:02,707
Well, let's see.
Mom and dad come home
and the couch is stained
353
00:17:02,774 --> 00:17:05,443
And the whole place
smells of booze.
354
00:17:06,778 --> 00:17:08,713
We gotta get
rid of the smell.
355
00:17:08,780 --> 00:17:10,615
You're right.
356
00:17:10,682 --> 00:17:12,750
Let's try some bleach.
357
00:17:18,824 --> 00:17:20,525
(al whooping)
358
00:17:21,793 --> 00:17:23,561
Would you guys
stop paddling a minute?
359
00:17:23,629 --> 00:17:26,064
My magazine's
getting all wet.
360
00:17:26,132 --> 00:17:28,066
Kyle: You know,
taylor, you ought to be
ashamed of yourself.
361
00:17:28,134 --> 00:17:30,402
Your wife takes
the time to plan this
great trip for you.
362
00:17:30,469 --> 00:17:33,871
And what do you do?
You piddle all over it.
363
00:17:33,939 --> 00:17:38,143
Tim: Hey, look!
It's my party,
I'll piddle if I want to.
364
00:17:38,210 --> 00:17:41,346
Maybe next year
I'll let tim plan
his own birthday.
365
00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:42,947
That would be wise.
366
00:17:43,015 --> 00:17:46,885
We have to do whatever we can
to keep our marriages strong.
367
00:17:46,952 --> 00:17:48,686
You're very insightful,
luanne.
368
00:17:48,754 --> 00:17:50,188
Well, I have to be.
369
00:17:50,255 --> 00:17:53,057
Because the evil
forces of the world
are out to get us.
370
00:17:53,125 --> 00:17:56,160
What evil forces?
371
00:17:56,229 --> 00:18:01,333
The dairy farmers
and the people who
make aluminum foil.
372
00:18:03,636 --> 00:18:05,770
Al: I have to go
to the bathroom.
373
00:18:05,838 --> 00:18:07,705
Wilson: Again?
Shut up!
374
00:18:07,773 --> 00:18:10,275
Old al "the river
runs through him"
borland.
375
00:18:10,342 --> 00:18:12,010
You know,
at least he's paddling.
376
00:18:12,077 --> 00:18:14,879
If everyone was
a tube lizard like you,
we'd get maytagged.
377
00:18:14,947 --> 00:18:16,481
"maytag"? "tube lizard"?
378
00:18:16,549 --> 00:18:18,783
A couple of brochures,
what are you,
popeye all of a sudden?
379
00:18:18,850 --> 00:18:20,585
Oh, you'll have
to forgive tim.
380
00:18:20,652 --> 00:18:23,521
He can't help being
an insensitive lout!
381
00:18:23,589 --> 00:18:25,423
You're no picnic either,
sinus boy.
382
00:18:25,491 --> 00:18:27,659
Yeah, tell me about it!
I was up all night.
383
00:18:27,726 --> 00:18:30,461
I never had this problem
with my kayaking buddies.
384
00:18:30,529 --> 00:18:33,064
Would you quit yakking
about your kayaking?
385
00:18:33,131 --> 00:18:35,466
Well, it's better
than listening to
your boring stories
386
00:18:35,534 --> 00:18:37,168
Of how you and your mom
went to anchorage
387
00:18:37,235 --> 00:18:38,936
And caught fish
with your hands.
388
00:18:39,004 --> 00:18:40,205
Tim: Lucky she
wasn't harpooned.
389
00:18:40,272 --> 00:18:41,573
Shut up!
390
00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:42,673
Shut up!
391
00:18:42,741 --> 00:18:43,741
You shut up!
392
00:18:43,809 --> 00:18:45,009
No, you shut up!
393
00:18:45,111 --> 00:18:46,310
Heidi: Shut up, tim!
Al: Shut up!
394
00:18:46,579 --> 00:18:48,546
I can't take it anymore!
395
00:18:48,614 --> 00:18:51,382
So much noise I can't hear
the voices in my head.
396
00:18:51,450 --> 00:18:53,118
Oh, our guide has
voices in his head.
397
00:18:53,185 --> 00:18:55,420
How about this one?
Incoming!
398
00:18:56,355 --> 00:18:57,288
Over!
399
00:19:02,194 --> 00:19:05,030
Al: Oh, great, tim.
Now we don't
even have a guide.
400
00:19:05,097 --> 00:19:06,831
This is all your fault!
401
00:19:06,999 --> 00:19:08,399
This isn't my fault.
402
00:19:08,467 --> 00:19:10,034
I didn't want to
go to this thing
in the first place.
403
00:19:10,102 --> 00:19:12,570
Friends, friends,
friends, in the words
of benjamin franklin,
404
00:19:12,638 --> 00:19:15,907
"we must all hang together
or else we shall
hang separately."
405
00:19:15,975 --> 00:19:19,310
Heidi: And we'd better
hang together fast.
Look up ahead.
406
00:19:19,378 --> 00:19:20,478
All: Oh, no!
407
00:19:22,314 --> 00:19:24,749
Come on, let's go!
408
00:19:24,816 --> 00:19:26,484
(all clamoring)
409
00:19:30,356 --> 00:19:33,591
Come on, come on,
come on, don't stop now!
410
00:19:33,659 --> 00:19:35,960
Go, go, go, go, go!
411
00:19:39,298 --> 00:19:41,732
Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull!
412
00:19:44,436 --> 00:19:46,504
We did it!
413
00:19:46,572 --> 00:19:48,873
You know, this has turned
out to be a pretty decent
birthday after all.
414
00:19:48,940 --> 00:19:50,674
Al: Yeah.
415
00:19:51,777 --> 00:19:53,178
This is a good thing,
you know,
416
00:19:53,245 --> 00:19:56,314
Because it just might
turn out to be my last!
Look at that!
417
00:20:00,419 --> 00:20:04,222
Okay, guys. Paddles ready.
We can do this.
418
00:20:04,289 --> 00:20:06,424
Oh, mother, I love you!
419
00:20:06,525 --> 00:20:08,393
(all clamoring)
420
00:20:28,114 --> 00:20:29,313
Al: Oh, no!
421
00:20:31,383 --> 00:20:32,750
Heidi: Come on, break it!
422
00:20:32,818 --> 00:20:34,252
(whooping)
423
00:20:34,887 --> 00:20:36,387
Heidi: Paddle.
424
00:20:36,455 --> 00:20:37,321
Yeah!
425
00:20:40,025 --> 00:20:41,592
How could you
abandon them?
426
00:20:41,660 --> 00:20:44,729
I'm not proud of what I did,
but a man's gotta do
427
00:20:44,797 --> 00:20:47,031
What a man's gotta do.
428
00:20:47,099 --> 00:20:48,867
We're back!
Hey, honey! I'm back!
429
00:20:48,934 --> 00:20:50,168
Thank god you made it!
430
00:20:50,236 --> 00:20:51,970
Tim: Hey, hey, hey.
431
00:20:52,037 --> 00:20:53,837
We have kyle to
thank for this.
432
00:20:53,905 --> 00:20:56,407
If he hadn't jumped ship,
we never would've known
we had it in us.
433
00:20:56,475 --> 00:20:59,177
No, no, no.
I think we have jill
to thank for this.
434
00:20:59,244 --> 00:21:00,378
Heidi: Oh, yeah.
For making this
one of the best
435
00:21:00,446 --> 00:21:02,480
Birthdays I ever had!
436
00:21:02,548 --> 00:21:04,382
Really?
Mmm-hmm.
437
00:21:04,449 --> 00:21:07,051
Having such a good time,
I've decided we should
stay another day.
438
00:21:07,118 --> 00:21:08,853
Fine with me.
439
00:21:08,921 --> 00:21:12,023
Jill and I can spend
tomorrow looking for holy
visions in the algae!
440
00:21:12,124 --> 00:21:14,758
Wow! How much
fun that would be!
441
00:21:14,826 --> 00:21:17,862
But you know what?
My back is really better.
It's better.
442
00:21:17,929 --> 00:21:20,231
I think I should
join you tomorrow.
443
00:21:20,299 --> 00:21:22,000
All right!
444
00:21:22,067 --> 00:21:23,034
(bones creaking)
445
00:21:23,102 --> 00:21:24,702
(jill groans)
446
00:21:27,372 --> 00:21:28,740
Hey, guys! We're home!