1 00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:18,440 # Look at my glove I think I'm in love 2 00:00:18,440 --> 00:00:20,680 # With my Medieval gauntlet 3 00:00:20,680 --> 00:00:23,120 # I'm happy to say That today, all day 4 00:00:23,120 --> 00:00:26,360 # I'll stride around the flat And flaunt it. # 5 00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:29,080 Prepare to die, Doctor Doolittle! 6 00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:35,000 # Oh, look at that prick He makes me sick 7 00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:37,200 # He's filled my house with garbage 8 00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:39,880 # It's time that he went And left me in peace 9 00:00:39,880 --> 00:00:42,160 # And took his shitty gauntlet With him. # 10 00:00:46,320 --> 00:00:47,560 Morning, Bob. 11 00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:51,760 Why, nobody's died, have they? What are you doing? 12 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:55,920 I was just admiring this graduation picture of yours. It's so good. 13 00:00:55,920 --> 00:00:59,520 It's so fabulous, I think I might point at it all day. 14 00:00:59,520 --> 00:01:01,960 Well, I can perfectly understand that, 15 00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:04,880 because it's a very powerful image, isn't it? 16 00:01:04,880 --> 00:01:06,640 But actually, Vic, I want a word with you. 17 00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:09,280 Could you just sit down for me, please? Just for a minute. 18 00:01:14,960 --> 00:01:16,560 Not again! 19 00:01:17,920 --> 00:01:19,440 Will you sit down, please? 20 00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:32,280 This is a perfect example, Vic, of the general fannying about 21 00:01:32,280 --> 00:01:35,200 and wimbrelling that I want to have a word with you about. 22 00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:37,360 Excuse me, I hardly ever wimbrel. 23 00:01:37,360 --> 00:01:39,960 Oh, you do wimbrel. Root-tee-toot-toot. 24 00:01:39,960 --> 00:01:42,400 You're the king of the wimbrel, Vic. 25 00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:47,320 There's the continued confusion between toilet rolls and curtains. 26 00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:50,200 VIC GROANS 27 00:01:50,200 --> 00:01:52,760 And this place is not Colditz, Vic. 28 00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:56,640 I don't need an extensive tunnel network under the premises. 29 00:01:56,640 --> 00:02:01,560 I don't know what you're talking about, really. 30 00:02:01,560 --> 00:02:05,440 - And what's with that fire damage in the bathroom? - Hey, that was nothing to do with me. 31 00:02:05,440 --> 00:02:08,480 I was simply having my dinner in the bath with a nice bottle of wine 32 00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:11,440 and some candles and a sausage swam away from the plate 33 00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:14,080 and drifted off, and I reached out and grabbed it 34 00:02:14,080 --> 00:02:17,000 and knocked in the wine, knocked the candles, kaboom! 35 00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:19,160 Vic. Vic, Vic, Vic, Vic. 36 00:02:19,160 --> 00:02:22,520 Why is it always you that suffers from sausage drift? 37 00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:29,760 And "kaboom"? Wine isn't flammable, Vic. 38 00:02:29,760 --> 00:02:31,840 The sort I drink is. 39 00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:34,800 But most of all, Vic, it's this junk. 40 00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:39,320 The painting of a pygmy, these delicious pineapples, 41 00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:42,720 gas masks and outfits. Honestly, Vic, you know, 42 00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:45,600 you're rapidly turning into Mr Dirty Feathers. 43 00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:49,240 Look, Bob, I can change. I promise you I'll change. I can yield. 44 00:02:49,240 --> 00:02:54,280 You can't change, Vic. You're fully realised. Do you understand? 45 00:02:54,280 --> 00:02:57,880 I mean, look at this junk. What if I wanted to bring a lady back? 46 00:02:57,880 --> 00:02:59,720 Oh, yeah? When's this happening, then? 47 00:02:59,720 --> 00:03:02,640 No, I'm not saying it's happening, but it could happen, couldn't it? 48 00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:05,200 You know, there might be a woman who'd take a punt on my face. 49 00:03:10,520 --> 00:03:14,800 That happened to me once, and I didn't have any toilet roll. 50 00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:16,480 Vic, I said "punt". 51 00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:20,200 So, what's her name? 52 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:22,440 I don't know. I haven't met her yet, have I? 53 00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:25,520 - What does she look like? - If I'm lucky... - Oh, if you're lucky, yeah? 54 00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:27,480 - If I'm lucky... - Yeah, if you're lucky 55 00:03:27,480 --> 00:03:31,000 ..she'll look like Sandi Toksvig. 56 00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:34,840 - Wouldn't you? Wouldn't you, though? - Wouldn't you? Yeah. - Wouldn't you? - You would, yeah. 57 00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:38,880 - You would, though, wouldn't you? - I had a really Sandi Toksvig once after a beach picnic. 58 00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:43,600 And did you have any toilet roll this time? 59 00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:46,440 - No, I just rinsed it off with a hose pipe. - Yeah. 60 00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:50,920 The thing is, Vic, what I'm really trying to say is I think it's actually time that you left. 61 00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:55,920 - You know, I think it's time that we took a break. - Oh, please. Come on. 62 00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:59,760 Vic, clawing at my magnificent chest is not going to change my mind. 63 00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:02,040 - Not this time, Vic. - Were you expecting a hat? 64 00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:03,120 Eh? 65 00:04:03,120 --> 00:04:05,160 Oh, it's Beef. Come in, Beef. 66 00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:11,280 # My name is Beef I'm a hard lovin' beast 67 00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:13,840 # And I live next door to these two 68 00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:17,680 # I travel this land Removing my pants 69 00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:22,240 # While making love to African ladies. # 70 00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:28,360 All right, Beef? I like your hat. 71 00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:32,160 It's made of wood. Black wood. 72 00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:39,280 Pineapples! the fruit of kings, Grown in Antigua 73 00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:44,880 and plucked by heavenly sweating topless beauties 74 00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:50,320 with thighs like granite and hairless arms as long as oars. 75 00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:53,200 Beef? Beef? Any news? 76 00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:55,040 - Yes. Draw near. - Yeah. 77 00:04:55,040 --> 00:04:56,440 - Nearer still. - OK. 78 00:04:56,440 --> 00:04:58,400 - No, you'll have to come nearer. - All right. 79 00:04:58,400 --> 00:04:59,560 That's it. 80 00:05:04,840 --> 00:05:08,320 I've procured you a date this afternoon with a woman. 81 00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:09,880 - With a woman? - Yes. 82 00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:11,360 - This afternoon? - Yes. 83 00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:14,280 Afternoon delight! Do you know what... 84 00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:16,640 Do you know what I'm going to do? 85 00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:19,240 - I'm going to watch a movie with her. - Really? - Yeah. 86 00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:23,800 - I happen to know she enjoys Conan The Barbarian. - Right. 87 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:26,360 - Which is on at 2:30. - Do you know what channel, Beef? 88 00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:28,960 It's far down the menu near the nines, 89 00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:30,760 amongst the fishing shit 90 00:05:30,760 --> 00:05:34,040 but not as far as the Welsh stuff. 91 00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:38,520 - That's deep. That's very, very deep. - Yes. - Yes. So what's she like? 92 00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:40,000 - Just your type. - Yeah? 93 00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:41,720 Like a tug boat. 94 00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:45,080 Hefty, charred, easy to pull 95 00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:47,280 and with a water cannon on her prow. 96 00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:49,880 Wow. Yeah, a bit like a trawler. 97 00:05:49,880 --> 00:05:54,680 Squat, powerful, hard-working, full of herrings. 98 00:05:54,680 --> 00:05:58,400 Yes, yes, yes. Do you know, she's the Sandi Toksvig type. 99 00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:01,360 Ooh. Yes, please. 100 00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:03,560 What the hell is that clown doing? 101 00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:08,120 Oh, it's his home brew, Beef. Vic. What's that you're brewing? 102 00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:10,000 It's a nice crisp Chardonnay. 103 00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:12,640 MUDDY GURGLE 104 00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:15,800 With breezy summer high notes 105 00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:17,160 and a bit of a kick. 106 00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:20,720 It smells like Lynx. 107 00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:24,200 Well, I'm aiming it primarily at the teen market. 108 00:06:24,200 --> 00:06:26,840 Oh, right. So, what are you doing this afternoon, Beef? 109 00:06:26,840 --> 00:06:30,640 I think I might go and take a look at a rather large and beautiful Ruby. 110 00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:33,920 - Wow. Where's this ruby at? - She works at the launderette. 111 00:06:33,920 --> 00:06:39,720 She's an exquisite Kenyan elder with an arse the size of a Fiat 500. 112 00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:41,040 She sounds lovely. 113 00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:42,360 She's all right. 114 00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:46,680 Hey, well, thanks, Beef. You're incredible. 115 00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:48,400 That much I do know. 116 00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:50,800 APPLAUSE 117 00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:54,280 Hey, Vic, have you heard the news? Beef's arranged a date for me this afternoon. 118 00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:56,080 I'm going to watch Conan The Barbarian. 119 00:06:56,080 --> 00:06:58,520 Brilliant! Well, let's get you sorted out. 120 00:06:58,520 --> 00:07:01,040 Vic, I don't need you interfering. 121 00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:03,240 Every time I have a date you ruin it for me. 122 00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:06,040 Do you remember last time? 123 00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:08,640 TRUMPET PLAYS 124 00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:18,800 No, I can't remember that far back. Forget Conan. 125 00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:22,120 Why don't you show her one of your DVDs from your collection? 126 00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:24,320 - Yeah? - How about Taken? 127 00:07:24,320 --> 00:07:26,720 No, somebody nicked that. 128 00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:27,960 Missing? 129 00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:30,080 Missing, no. I can't find that anywhere. 130 00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:31,320 Gone In 60 Seconds. 131 00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:33,200 That's not a bad call, that, Vic. 132 00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:37,240 Ah, it was here a minute ago. 133 00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:41,920 What a surprise. 134 00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:44,040 No, I'm going to be fine with Conan. 135 00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:46,880 Beef says it's on telly this afternoon at half-two, 136 00:07:46,880 --> 00:07:50,000 one of those channels that's pretty deep into the menu, apparently. 137 00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:52,240 - Deep down into the abyss of the menu? - Yeah. 138 00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:55,120 - Is it as far as the Welsh stuff? - Oh, no. No, it's not that far, Vic. 139 00:07:55,120 --> 00:07:57,800 So, if it's further back, then, it's probably sandwiched 140 00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:00,920 somewhere in between forensic pets and psychic cutlery. 141 00:08:00,920 --> 00:08:03,360 - Right, well, that'll be easy to find, Vic. - Good. Right. 142 00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:05,800 So, we've got your drink sorted out, we've got your movie. 143 00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:07,240 You never know, Bob. 144 00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:09,920 She's all loosened up. You might get your grip. 145 00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:14,400 I would like to get my grip, Vic. 146 00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:19,240 Why don't we ask your son if we can borrow his sofa bed? 147 00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:21,840 - Ah! - Stand back. - Give it a go. 148 00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:25,720 Er... Blood Axe? 149 00:08:25,720 --> 00:08:27,000 Thor? 150 00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:28,640 - Horst? Bengt? - It's Erik. 151 00:08:28,640 --> 00:08:30,680 Erik? Erik? 152 00:08:34,360 --> 00:08:40,600 # I am Bob's son from a liaison With a thick-set woman from Norway 153 00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:43,480 # She was sat on the docks Wearing nothing but socks 154 00:08:43,480 --> 00:08:46,200 # She looked a bit like Sandi Toksvig. # 155 00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:53,120 Erik, hey, I was just wondering if I could borrow your sofa bed. 156 00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:54,800 Er, let me think. No. 157 00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:57,360 Tell him why. 158 00:08:57,360 --> 00:09:00,960 Well, it's just I was hoping maybe to get my grip. 159 00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:05,080 Oh, that is disgusting. Eurgh! 160 00:09:05,080 --> 00:09:07,640 Eurgh! Eurgh! 161 00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:10,120 Eurgh! Eurgh! 162 00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:13,040 Eurgh! Eurgh! 163 00:09:13,040 --> 00:09:15,760 Eurgh! 164 00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:19,920 Right, never mind that. OK. Let's go into the kitchen and sort your menu out. 165 00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:23,800 Oh, couldn't you just leave, Vic? You're going to have to get over the pygmy picture first. 166 00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:26,720 Give us a hand, Bob. 167 00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:28,360 Push. 168 00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:30,760 Ooh, ooh. You stink. Where have you been? 169 00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:34,560 I've been down the dog pound. I thought you could get a dog for a pound. 170 00:09:34,560 --> 00:09:37,160 - Push! - THUMP 171 00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:39,080 Are you all right, princess? 172 00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:41,440 Yes, thank you for asking, yes. Fine. 173 00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:43,200 So, how do I get over now, Vic? 174 00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:45,720 - You see that trampette? - Trampette? What trampette? 175 00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:46,800 Hang on a minute. 176 00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:53,280 Right. Come here. Follow my eyes. Watch them. 177 00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:56,920 Down there. Can you see? 178 00:09:56,920 --> 00:09:59,520 Oh, here it is. Trampette, yeah. Thanks, Vic. 179 00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:02,360 Put that in the middle of the room, take a run up and jump over. 180 00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:04,320 Yeah. And you're staying there, are you? 181 00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:08,680 Yeah, I want to see your little balls as they pass over and enjoy myself for once. 182 00:10:08,680 --> 00:10:10,280 BOING 183 00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:17,160 CLATTER 184 00:10:20,440 --> 00:10:22,560 Your cupboards were pretty bare, Vic. 185 00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:26,400 All I could find was this marrow and this inner tube. 186 00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:28,200 That'll make a really nice salad 187 00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:31,320 in combination with the tinned pineapples. Tropical. 188 00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:32,880 Yeah. No, it could work. 189 00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:37,120 So, Vic, I think that's probably all the help I actually need. 190 00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:39,760 Please, Vic, I think it's probably time, yeah, 191 00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:44,160 that you made your arrangements, got yourself out of the flat 192 00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:47,480 and left me to enjoy my date, yeah, watching Conan? 193 00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:54,360 No! 194 00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:55,640 No! 195 00:10:56,680 --> 00:10:58,640 My date! 196 00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:00,600 - Put this round your neck. - No, Bob, please. 197 00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:03,440 - Put it round your neck, fella. - Bob, don't do this. 198 00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:06,880 That is the final wimbrel you will carry out on these premises. 199 00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:10,640 Bob, I know how this is going to end and it's not going to be pretty. Please don't do this. 200 00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:13,880 - The date is ruined, Vic. - Bob, I promise I'll get you a new telly. 201 00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:17,160 - I'll sort you out the best date you've every had. - Yeah. Just eat this. 202 00:11:18,560 --> 00:11:20,560 Ha! 203 00:11:20,560 --> 00:11:23,480 - That would've made a nice salad. - Oh, would it? 204 00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:30,280 How are you going to get me a television? 205 00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:43,640 Maybe not. 206 00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:48,800 - I'll phone Beef. He always comes up trumps. - Mm. 207 00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:55,760 KEYPAD BEEPS REPEATEDLY 208 00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:01,200 It's on speed dial, Vic. 209 00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:02,640 KEYPAD BEEPS ONCE 210 00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:07,080 Hi, Beef, yeah. 211 00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:09,720 Pretty good, actually, yeah. 212 00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:13,920 Yeah, just wondering if you've got a TV we could borrow for the afternoon. 213 00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:17,080 All right, brilliant, thanks. See you in a minute. 214 00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:18,920 - Yeah? - He's coming round directly. 215 00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:21,240 Hey, when he comes round don't let him hang about, Vic. 216 00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:24,240 He'll ruin my date for me, you know what he's like. 217 00:12:24,240 --> 00:12:27,520 - Whoa, Beef, that was quick! - Here's your telly. 218 00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:33,360 - We're watching Conan The Barbarian - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 219 00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:36,400 - I'M watching Conan The Barbarian - HE'S watching Conan The Barbarian. 220 00:12:36,400 --> 00:12:38,280 I know you are. Yes. I love that film. 221 00:12:38,280 --> 00:12:40,000 He rules a kingdom with a sword, 222 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:43,080 she rules him with her heaving tits clad in metalwork. 223 00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:48,440 - It's amazing. May I join you? - Yeah, join us! - Oh, Vic! 224 00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:00,920 I see, getting in the Conan mood, yes, yes. 225 00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:08,920 Get that telly sorted out. Set it up for me. 226 00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:10,360 Now! 227 00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:13,560 Yes, Your Majesty. Yes, sir. Come on, then. 228 00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:19,680 Erik? 229 00:13:19,680 --> 00:13:22,040 LOCKS CLICK 230 00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:24,280 CHAINS RATTLE 231 00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:27,160 KEYPAD BLEEPS 232 00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:30,160 BOLTS CLUNK 233 00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:31,200 Ah, Erik. 234 00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:36,120 Thank you, Erik. Erik, Vic and Beef are hanging around 235 00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:39,120 and I just wondered if maybe you could take them out for me? 236 00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:41,680 Shoot them? Not a problem. 237 00:13:41,680 --> 00:13:43,160 Thank you, Father. 238 00:13:43,160 --> 00:13:45,200 No, Erik, I don't want to shoot them. 239 00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:48,240 Could you just take them out somewhere nice? You know, maybe the park? 240 00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:51,080 To the park? Like a man who is gay? 241 00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:53,120 No. 242 00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:55,560 LOCKS AND BOLTS CLUNK 243 00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:59,760 - So, where do these go, then, Beef? - I haven't got a clue, love. 244 00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:03,040 I used it once to watch Blackula, but I couldn't see a thing. 245 00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:06,560 - Look, it's still in here. - There it is. 246 00:14:08,440 --> 00:14:11,560 Oh, Vic, that's a microwave. 247 00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:12,880 Is that a good thing? 248 00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:16,080 No, Beef, it cooks food. 249 00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:18,360 A TV that cooks food? 250 00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:19,880 A television that cooks food? 251 00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:21,680 God, I love living in the future. 252 00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:25,800 Vic, I didn't actually want it to come to this, 253 00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:30,200 but I'm going to have to ask you to go next door and ask Julie 254 00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:33,520 - if you can borrow her television. - Oh, but... - I know. 255 00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:37,160 Bob, don't do this to me, not after what happened last time. Please. 256 00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:45,360 Vic, it'll be OK. 257 00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:48,240 Look, just take this pepper next door with you 258 00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:50,720 in case she gets a bit randy, Vic, but good luck. 259 00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:53,720 Go and get me that telly. Good boy. Go on, off you go. 260 00:14:56,200 --> 00:15:00,880 A TV that cooks food that is called a microwave. 261 00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:02,880 Now, let's see about this. 262 00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:07,640 BLEEP 263 00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:10,480 - HE CHUCKLES - Ooh! A firework display. 264 00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:34,160 Oh, hello, Vic! What a lovely surprise. 265 00:15:34,160 --> 00:15:35,520 HE WHIMPERS 266 00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:38,880 Come in. Make yourself at home. 267 00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:43,640 It's all right, Julie. Thank you. I was just leaving, actually. 268 00:15:43,640 --> 00:15:47,760 Don't be daft. You've only just arrived. Come and sit down, mmm? 269 00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:50,240 Take a seat. Look. 270 00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:57,600 - Here, try this. - I'm all right, thanks. 271 00:15:57,600 --> 00:16:00,800 No, please try it. It's really important to me that you do. 272 00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:03,840 Just taste it. Do you like it? 273 00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:05,200 It's lovely. 274 00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:07,400 There's nothing there, you silly boy! 275 00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:15,760 Look, I've got ten minutes. We could do something, you know. 276 00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:17,640 Something that takes ten minutes. 277 00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:20,560 - MUFFLED EXPLOSION - Good God! 278 00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:21,920 What was that? 279 00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:25,240 - A microwave. - What? 280 00:16:26,480 --> 00:16:27,960 Are you going somewhere? 281 00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:31,120 Oh, yeah, I've got an overnight stay in Luton for one of my book signings. 282 00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:34,440 Oh. So could we borrow your television for the afternoon, please? 283 00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:37,040 No. Absolutely not. Sorry. It's an heirloom. 284 00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:39,480 Ah! Julie, I really have to go now, Julie. 285 00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:43,000 No need to go, Vic. Come on, stay and have a drink. 286 00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:44,920 Look, I've got nine more minutes. 287 00:16:46,120 --> 00:16:48,400 Nine more minutes means nine more sexes. 288 00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:50,880 What do you mean "nine more sexes"? We haven't had any sexes. 289 00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:54,800 Oh, I think you'll find we have. Don't you remember the spoon? 290 00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:57,760 - That was a sex? - Yes. 291 00:16:57,760 --> 00:16:59,480 Well, I can't wait to tell Bob. 292 00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:04,000 Look, you can borrow my telly if... 293 00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:05,680 you buff my Barnaby Rudge. 294 00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:12,280 SHE SIGHS I suppose we ought to get going, really. Am I driving? 295 00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:14,200 Yes. What fun! Fab-oo! 296 00:17:22,920 --> 00:17:25,200 Woodpecker? 297 00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:28,800 ELECTRIC SAWING 298 00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:30,440 Robot? 299 00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:33,920 Intruder? 300 00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:38,360 Take anything you want but my backside. 301 00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:44,160 # I am Bosh I'm the brother of Vic 302 00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:46,680 # And I just got out of prison 303 00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:50,360 # I need somewhere to live I don't care who with 304 00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:53,720 # As long it's under a pound You know. # 305 00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:57,360 Hey. 306 00:17:58,760 --> 00:18:01,320 Oh, not another one. What are you doing here? 307 00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:04,600 Oh, Beef, this is... This is Bosh, Vic's brother. 308 00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:06,840 - Bish? - No, Bosh. 309 00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:09,560 - Bish Bosh? - No, Beef, Bosh. 310 00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:11,080 Not Bish Bosh? 311 00:18:11,080 --> 00:18:13,320 - No, Beef, just Bosh. - And why Bosh? 312 00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:15,120 Cos I always use Bosch power tools 313 00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:19,040 when I'm working with my two mates, Black and Decker. Ha ha! 314 00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:23,120 Only joking. No. I work alone, don't we? 315 00:18:23,120 --> 00:18:24,680 I've just had sex. 316 00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:30,880 Well, never mind that, Vic. Your brother's arrived now. 317 00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:32,480 Yeah. Ah, yeah. 318 00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:36,840 Erm... Well, the doctor said he should have 24 hours' bed rest 319 00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:40,360 because he's contracted... 320 00:18:40,360 --> 00:18:42,760 whooping cough. Haven't you? Haven't you? 321 00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:45,320 Yeah, that's right, I've got whooping cough. Yeah. 322 00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:48,760 Ahem! Whoo! Ahem! Whoo! 323 00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:50,920 - That is terrible. - Who says? 324 00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:53,040 So I said he could stay here overnight. 325 00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:55,160 It's all right, you won't even know he's here. 326 00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:58,000 - It's just for one night, yeah? - Yeah, that's right. Yeah, it is. 327 00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:00,480 You're going to have to share a room with Vic, you know. 328 00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:03,680 Yeah, well, that's where you're wrong, cos I don't mind sharing, you twat! 329 00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:09,760 I've been sharing a cell for the last three years. 330 00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:12,640 - Oh, he's been in prison. - Yeah. So what? 331 00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:14,240 You mentioned the underworld. 332 00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:16,240 That turns me on hard. What were you in for? 333 00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:20,000 Er... 334 00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:21,280 Crime. 335 00:19:21,280 --> 00:19:23,560 Well, obviously crime. What kind of crime? 336 00:19:23,560 --> 00:19:25,200 You know, it was mainly Rachel. 337 00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:27,480 Racial?! That's a bit heavy, isn't it? 338 00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:29,440 Not RACIAL racial, you twat. 339 00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:32,160 RACHEL, my ex-girlfriend, right? 340 00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:35,440 She grassed me up for burglary, receiving stolen goods 341 00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:36,800 and, er, sodomy. 342 00:19:38,120 --> 00:19:39,640 Sodomy? Yes. 343 00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:43,080 No, not sodomy, no. Robbery. Robbery. 344 00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:46,760 - Bosh? - Hmm? - Would you mind maybe just going straight up to the room now 345 00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:49,120 and just staying there for the afternoon, please? 346 00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:52,800 He's got a date with a woman. He's watching Conan The Barbarian. 347 00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:57,160 Hold on a minute, Bosh. That's my trophy. 348 00:19:57,160 --> 00:20:00,240 "To Bob, for being a clever boy on the toilet, 2010." 349 00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:02,840 What are you doing with that? 350 00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:04,360 All right. Well, you know. 351 00:20:04,360 --> 00:20:06,600 Have it back if it means that much to you. 352 00:20:09,360 --> 00:20:12,960 Actually, I'll be off myself. I could do with an Eartha Kitt. 353 00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:18,120 This date is looking very unlikely, Vic. 354 00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:22,120 I haven't got a telly, the house is filling up with unwelcome men, 355 00:20:22,120 --> 00:20:26,800 one of whom is having a shit in the kitchen as we speak. 356 00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:29,840 Will you just get out, Vic? Please, will you just go? 357 00:20:29,840 --> 00:20:31,840 Look, Bob, I'm sorry I let you down. 358 00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:34,960 - Just get out, Vic. - I'll go. 359 00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:38,040 - Yeah, just go, please. - All right, I've gone. 360 00:20:38,040 --> 00:20:40,800 - I can still see you, Vic. - No, you can't. 361 00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:44,080 - Vic, I can still see you. - Bob, what do you want from me? 362 00:20:44,080 --> 00:20:45,880 - Why don't you...? - No! 363 00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:52,640 - Why don't you watch Conan at your neighbour's? - She's gone away to Luton for the night. 364 00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:56,480 - Well, why don't you just break in? - Bosh, you can't just break into someone's premises 365 00:20:56,480 --> 00:21:00,040 - without their permission. - Oh, well, who said 'owt about going IN to the house? 366 00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:08,240 See? No need to go in. You just have to watch it from here. 367 00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:13,960 - Julie is going to kill us, Bosh. - Oh, don't worry about that. I'll just plaster this lot up afterwards. 368 00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:15,720 She'll never even know we've been here. 369 00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:18,720 Yeah, but how are we going to turn the telly on? We need to get the remote. 370 00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:20,840 Yep, well, this is where I come into the plan. 371 00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:24,040 Oh, no, Vic. 372 00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:27,480 You're not going to do a dirty burgle, are you? 373 00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:30,280 - We don't want another Chatsworth. - No. Please, no. 374 00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:36,080 OK. Come on, boys. Good luck, Vic. 375 00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:37,840 You all right? 376 00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:46,280 He's got it. Come on, Vic. Get out of there. 377 00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:47,760 Come on, get out. 378 00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:49,200 VIC GROANS 379 00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:54,080 - I'm stuck, lads. I think I'm stuck. - All right, all right. 380 00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:58,640 - Stuck solid, man. - Hold on. You grab his arms, Bosh. - All right, all right. 381 00:21:58,640 --> 00:22:01,760 CLANGING 382 00:22:01,760 --> 00:22:03,720 It's not working, lads. Try something else. 383 00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:04,960 All right. I've got an idea. 384 00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:06,640 - Give me the wrench. Grab his arms. - OK. 385 00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:10,960 CLANGING 386 00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:14,320 - It's not working. - It's not working. - Think of something! Something else. 387 00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:16,440 - Shall we? - Yeah. 388 00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:19,400 SMACKING 389 00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:23,360 That's not working either. 390 00:22:23,360 --> 00:22:26,920 - Got to think of something. - Think, man. Think, Bob. - Think. 391 00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:33,920 Vic, I've got an idea. 392 00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:37,280 KEYPAD BLEEPS 393 00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:39,800 Hi. Yeah, is that the beach? 394 00:22:39,800 --> 00:22:43,040 Yeah. Erm, it's Bob speaking. 395 00:22:43,040 --> 00:22:47,080 Yeah, I just wondered if maybe we could borrow one of your donkeys this afternoon. 396 00:22:47,080 --> 00:22:52,040 Yeah, Mr Boffo, if you could. He's got such a lovely temp... 397 00:22:52,040 --> 00:22:55,200 - Oh, they've gone, Vic. - Ah! - OK, lads. 398 00:22:55,200 --> 00:22:58,400 You need to get a move on because she's just pulled up outside. 399 00:22:58,400 --> 00:23:01,280 Julie's back, Vic. Julie's back. 400 00:23:01,280 --> 00:23:04,280 Ah! Come here, here. I've got an idea. 401 00:23:04,280 --> 00:23:06,040 - Pss pss pss pss. - Yes. 402 00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:10,000 - Pss pss pss pss pss. - Ahh! 403 00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:14,760 No, Madam, you can't go in there. 404 00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:16,960 I'm sorry, there's been a terrible gas leak. 405 00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:18,960 Gas leak? How exciting. 406 00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:23,440 Yeah, I'm afraid you'll have to vacate the premises for the afternoon. 407 00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:24,680 - How thrilling! - Yeah. 408 00:23:24,680 --> 00:23:27,520 Now, I've arranged with next door that you can stay with them 409 00:23:27,520 --> 00:23:30,960 - for the duration of the works. - Oh, what fun! 410 00:23:36,560 --> 00:23:39,160 Whoa, that is a lodgement! 411 00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:44,480 Oh, hello! 412 00:23:44,480 --> 00:23:45,600 Ugh! 413 00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:50,760 I thought you'd gone away for the night. 414 00:23:50,760 --> 00:23:52,040 Too drunk to drive. 415 00:23:54,640 --> 00:23:57,520 - I've had a boob job, you know. - I didn't know. 416 00:23:57,520 --> 00:24:00,120 - Didn't you know? I thought you knew. - No, I didn't know. 417 00:24:00,120 --> 00:24:02,960 - I thought you knew. You did know, didn't you? - I didn't know. 418 00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:05,080 - I thought you knew. - No, I didn't know. 419 00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:07,920 They're very nice, though, very modern-looking. 420 00:24:07,920 --> 00:24:10,040 Where did you get them done? In the town centre? 421 00:24:10,040 --> 00:24:15,480 Yes, yes. At Timpsons. They don't just do heels, you know. 422 00:24:15,480 --> 00:24:18,520 Why don't you give them a touch? They're ever so real. 423 00:24:18,520 --> 00:24:20,280 Ah, it's OK. I'm all right, thank you. 424 00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:22,200 Come on, don't be shy. Give them a plump. 425 00:24:26,080 --> 00:24:29,800 Very interesting. Come and join me on the sofa. 426 00:24:29,800 --> 00:24:33,560 I'm all right. I always crouch here when it's nearly half-past two. 427 00:24:35,160 --> 00:24:37,440 Well, I'll just have to come to you, then. 428 00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:39,480 Yeah, why not? And hurry up! 429 00:24:39,480 --> 00:24:43,040 Oh, very masterful! Where are your glasses? 430 00:24:43,040 --> 00:24:44,920 In the kitchen. 431 00:24:44,920 --> 00:24:46,360 Red or white, Martin? 432 00:24:51,680 --> 00:24:54,360 I've found one, but it's got lipstick on it. 433 00:24:54,360 --> 00:24:57,000 Just give it wipe round the rim with a dishcloth. 434 00:25:04,840 --> 00:25:06,520 The tap won't turn off now. 435 00:25:06,520 --> 00:25:08,400 Stick the dishcloth up the hole. 436 00:25:10,960 --> 00:25:12,360 Oh! 437 00:25:14,760 --> 00:25:16,880 It won't stay up. 438 00:25:16,880 --> 00:25:20,640 Well, get a teaspoon, stick it up the hole and ram it home. 439 00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:25,720 Ooh! 440 00:25:28,400 --> 00:25:30,080 Here, have a drink. 441 00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:32,640 Thanks. I think I need one. 442 00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:37,800 Oh, look, we've just run out of wine. I'll have to go next door and get another one. 443 00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:40,440 No. Don't do that. No, no. No. Don't. 444 00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:42,440 Look, there's wine there. 445 00:25:42,440 --> 00:25:43,520 Oh. 446 00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:47,560 It's a nice crisp Chardonnay with floral summer high notes. 447 00:25:49,240 --> 00:25:50,280 THUMP 448 00:25:51,360 --> 00:25:52,520 And a bit of a kick. 449 00:25:52,520 --> 00:25:54,600 Push! 450 00:25:54,600 --> 00:25:55,960 Ooh! 451 00:25:55,960 --> 00:25:58,520 No good, Vic. I didn't want to have to do this 452 00:25:58,520 --> 00:26:01,720 but I'm going to have to deploy the Heidenburg Stretch. 453 00:26:01,720 --> 00:26:04,520 No, Bob! No, not the Heidenburg Stretch! 454 00:26:04,520 --> 00:26:06,840 Yes, I'm afraid so, Vic. 455 00:26:06,840 --> 00:26:11,720 - I've secured your plums. - Be...gentle. 456 00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:15,040 STRETCHING SOUND 457 00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:21,640 Aah! 458 00:26:25,160 --> 00:26:27,640 - SNAP! - Oh! 459 00:26:32,080 --> 00:26:33,520 Ooh, what happened here, Vic? 460 00:26:33,520 --> 00:26:35,440 Chardonnay. 461 00:26:35,440 --> 00:26:40,720 What the hell is this? Some kind of gas and no trouser party you've not told me about? 462 00:26:40,720 --> 00:26:42,920 Your date's outside and she's furious. 463 00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:45,760 So am I, actually, Beef. Tell us about it. This place. 464 00:26:45,760 --> 00:26:46,920 I'm trying to have a date. 465 00:26:46,920 --> 00:26:50,120 This place is like a crime scene. It stinks of Lynx. 466 00:26:50,120 --> 00:26:51,640 I haven't got a television. 467 00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:54,400 YOU have had a shit in the kitchen. 468 00:26:54,400 --> 00:26:58,320 Where was it? In the Sugar Puffs box? 469 00:26:58,320 --> 00:27:01,920 - It was in the kettle, wasn't it? - Yeah. - In the kettle. 470 00:27:01,920 --> 00:27:03,120 I'll tell you what, Beef. 471 00:27:03,120 --> 00:27:05,960 Just cancel the date, just cancel it, please. 472 00:27:05,960 --> 00:27:10,720 - The two of you, get out. - Can't you just give me one more chance? 473 00:27:10,720 --> 00:27:12,040 Draw near. 474 00:27:15,960 --> 00:27:22,160 Conan, Conan. Where are you? The princess is dead. She's dead. 475 00:27:22,160 --> 00:27:24,480 What does this even mean? 476 00:27:24,480 --> 00:27:27,400 Aye, Conan. Give us your guidance, man. 477 00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:30,200 Without your counsel we are d...d...doomed. 478 00:27:30,200 --> 00:27:33,160 Where are you, anyway? Where are you hiding, man? 479 00:27:34,560 --> 00:27:38,520 Well, excuse me, but I was not hiding. 480 00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:42,120 I was simply trying to find the golden buttons that hold up 481 00:27:42,120 --> 00:27:47,640 my magic breeches, for without them our cause is well lost. 482 00:27:47,640 --> 00:27:50,800 Aye, man. That's all you've been banging on about for the last hour 483 00:27:50,800 --> 00:27:53,080 is them poxy shirt buttons. 484 00:27:53,080 --> 00:27:56,960 Well, I'm sorry if you think that my golden buttons are trivial, 485 00:27:56,960 --> 00:28:00,400 but without them and the leather arm thing that goes there - 486 00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:02,280 I've forgotten what it's called - 487 00:28:02,280 --> 00:28:06,000 the leather arm thing that goes there, I'm absolutely powerless. 488 00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:09,680 - But what will become of us, Conan? - I don't know, love. 489 00:28:09,680 --> 00:28:13,000 Tune in next week at 2:30 to find out 490 00:28:13,000 --> 00:28:16,840 in Conan 2 - The Return Of The Leather Thing. 491 00:28:16,840 --> 00:28:19,520 APPLAUSE 492 00:28:25,240 --> 00:28:27,480 ALL SING: # Didn't we have A lovely day? 493 00:28:27,480 --> 00:28:29,520 # The day that I saw Conan 494 00:28:29,520 --> 00:28:32,160 - # What happens next? - # Let's form a circle 495 00:28:32,160 --> 00:28:34,320 # And dance around This Mexican turtle 496 00:28:39,480 --> 00:28:43,960 ALL: # Didn't we have a lovely day Dancing round the turtle? 497 00:28:43,960 --> 00:28:46,560 - # Whoo-hoo-hoo - # Whoo-hoo-hoo 498 00:28:46,560 --> 00:28:49,280 # But nobody buffed My Barnaby Rudge. # 499 00:28:51,160 --> 00:28:54,040 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE