1 00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:23,200 # Today is the day, hip, hip, hooray 2 00:00:23,200 --> 00:00:27,240 # That Vic cooks me my breakfast 3 00:00:27,240 --> 00:00:31,320 # I haven't a clue what I'm meant to do 4 00:00:31,320 --> 00:00:35,880 # I wish he'd just have a Curly Wurly, oh! # 5 00:00:37,720 --> 00:00:40,320 So how long do I cook this egg for? 6 00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:42,240 - Six foot seven. - Six foot...? 7 00:00:42,240 --> 00:00:44,160 I said, how long do I cook the eggs for? 8 00:00:44,160 --> 00:00:47,240 Oh, I'm sorry! Flies. 9 00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:51,520 I thought you asked me how tall Gandhi wanted to be when he grew up. 10 00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:53,520 - How long do I cook this egg for? - All right! 11 00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:55,400 An egg, three minutes. 12 00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:58,760 - Both sides? - It doesn't really mattee-e-er... 13 00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:03,960 - Your egg, Simon. - Yeah, I'm Bob. 14 00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:05,560 No, the egg's called Simon. 15 00:01:05,560 --> 00:01:08,000 I've kind of grown to love it over the past three minutes, 16 00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:10,120 - so be gentle with it. - Oh, sweet. 17 00:01:10,120 --> 00:01:13,320 - Also, your black pudding. - Black pudding. 18 00:01:13,320 --> 00:01:15,440 - Your bacon. - HE LAUGHS 19 00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:18,080 And a nice cup of tea. 20 00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:23,960 - There we are. - Thank you. I really appreciate it, I really do. 21 00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:25,920 - But excuse me? - Yeah. 22 00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:28,000 - Excuse me? - Yeah? - Toast? 23 00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:30,320 Yes. Of course, sir. 24 00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:34,600 DING! 25 00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:39,320 Ah, and I took the liberty of warming up your toupee for you. 26 00:01:39,320 --> 00:01:40,720 Oh, thanks. 27 00:01:42,240 --> 00:01:44,840 GIBBERS INCOHERENTLY 28 00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:47,680 BOTH GIBBER 29 00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:51,440 TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS 30 00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:54,960 # Look at my pie, a feast for the eyes 31 00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:57,440 # It's made of pork and pastry 32 00:01:57,440 --> 00:02:00,040 - # I have to admit - That looking at it 33 00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:03,480 # It really does look rather tasty. # 34 00:02:03,480 --> 00:02:06,560 Emergency, emergency, 999, emergency! 35 00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:09,680 Julie, Julie, Julie, Julie, Julie, what seems to be the problem? 36 00:02:09,680 --> 00:02:11,040 It's an emergency! 37 00:02:11,040 --> 00:02:13,640 Yes, but what's the nature of the emergency, Julie? 38 00:02:13,640 --> 00:02:16,320 My fridge is broken, emergency, 999. 39 00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:19,360 Julie, do you want to put your pie in our fridge? 40 00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:22,160 Oh, Vic! Would you do that for me, Vic? 41 00:02:22,160 --> 00:02:23,600 Look after my pie for me? 42 00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:25,600 CROCKERY SMASHES 43 00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:29,120 Thank you, Vic. Are there any other little teeny-weeny jobs 44 00:02:29,120 --> 00:02:31,560 I could do in return, say, perhaps in your bedroom? 45 00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:34,760 I've only got three minutes so we'd have to be super-duper quick. 46 00:02:34,760 --> 00:02:37,720 No, there's no jobs in the bedroom, Julie, really. 47 00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:40,160 So, guys, I just need you to look after this pie for me 48 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,240 whilst I go on holiday for a couple of hours. 49 00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:45,160 Of course. Sorry, a couple of hours, Julie? 50 00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:48,040 - Yes, it's one of those short breaks. - Oh, right. - Where you going? 51 00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:50,080 Mexico. 52 00:02:50,080 --> 00:02:52,360 Not in two hours, you're not, Julie. 53 00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:56,600 - Exeter? - You might do that. - Excellent. 54 00:02:56,600 --> 00:03:01,520 Look, the thing is, I've got Bruce Willis coming around later 55 00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:05,480 to talk about starring in the film of my erotic novel, Nobbin Hood. 56 00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:09,520 - THE Bruce Willis? - Yes, yes! 57 00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:13,040 Are you going to... Are you going to try and touch his willy? 58 00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:28,080 Yes! 59 00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:29,640 THEY LAUGH 60 00:03:29,640 --> 00:03:34,040 Anyway, the thing is, he insists on eating this particular pork pie. 61 00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:36,760 It's also Morgan Freeman's favourite, apparently. 62 00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:39,360 As if that matters. 63 00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:41,840 It's really important to me that Bruce gets this pie. 64 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:44,840 - You won't let me down now, will you? - No, course not, Julie. - Are you sure? 65 00:03:44,840 --> 00:03:47,960 My whole career does depend on him agreeing to play Nobbin Hood. 66 00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:52,000 Yep? So remember, no touchy-touchy, no licky-licky. 67 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:54,120 Right, I'm off to go pack. See you later. 68 00:03:54,120 --> 00:03:56,640 - Bye, Julie. - See you, Julie. 69 00:03:56,640 --> 00:04:01,200 Oi, daft lads, come here, eat me. Check out my glossy crust. 70 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:04,480 Don't be a pair of tossers all your life. Tuck in, tuck in! 71 00:04:07,640 --> 00:04:09,120 CRACK! 72 00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:14,000 HE GROWLS AND SLATHERS 73 00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:16,000 Come on, let's just have a little bit. 74 00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:18,360 No, stop it, Vic. Stop it! You're acting like an idiot. 75 00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:20,680 - Oh, I'm acting like an idiot, am I? - Yes. 76 00:04:20,680 --> 00:04:22,320 Would an idiot be able to do this? 77 00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:26,080 Huh?! 78 00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:33,600 You know what, you kick like a girl. 79 00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:36,640 Yeah, well, I don't know any girls, do I, so I wouldn't know. 80 00:04:36,640 --> 00:04:37,960 Yeah, you've got a point. 81 00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:40,680 - I'll point at you in a minute if you're not careful. - No, don't! 82 00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:42,000 - Yeah? - Oh, you did. 83 00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:43,840 Yeah! Now who's the idiot?! 84 00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:48,640 # Blew my giro on this erotic biro 85 00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:51,840 # I'm in love with the beautiful lady 86 00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:56,320 # If you turn it around, her knickers fall down 87 00:04:56,320 --> 00:05:02,160 # It's the greatest thing since Joseph met Mary-y-y-y-y! # 88 00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:11,880 Oh, it's bust. I shouldn't have had that romantic bath with her. 89 00:05:11,880 --> 00:05:14,560 All right, Beef? I like your scarf. 90 00:05:14,560 --> 00:05:18,360 It's made of ham. Birmingham. 91 00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:21,040 It was made in Birmingham. 92 00:05:21,040 --> 00:05:22,920 I wear it when I play cricket. 93 00:05:22,920 --> 00:05:26,360 Nothing else, just the scarf and what God gave me. 94 00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:27,840 How's that? 95 00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:31,480 We're just guarding this pork pie for Julie. 96 00:05:31,480 --> 00:05:33,520 - Pork? - Yeah. 97 00:05:33,520 --> 00:05:37,680 The meat of pigs? The most ancient of all British dogs? 98 00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:42,000 Can any man deny its flesh? 99 00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:44,320 Not I. 100 00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:47,280 - Pork. - Beef...? 101 00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:49,160 - Pork. - Beef...! 102 00:05:49,160 --> 00:05:50,840 - Pork! - No, Beef! 103 00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:58,240 I'm sorry, Beef, but it's not our pie. 104 00:05:58,240 --> 00:06:01,600 It's for Julie's meeting with Bruce Willis. 105 00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:03,280 Bruce Willis, you say? 106 00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:07,600 I starred alongside him in Too Hot For Spaniards in the West End. 107 00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:09,160 It totally bombed. 108 00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:11,600 And then he ran off with that chimp, Dudley Moore. 109 00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:12,960 Demi Moore? 110 00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:15,640 No, I think you'll find it was Dudley Moore. 111 00:06:15,640 --> 00:06:18,840 I caught them exploring each other on discarded teacakes 112 00:06:18,840 --> 00:06:20,400 outside Fortnum's. 113 00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:22,320 Mmmm. Mmmm! 114 00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:23,720 Thank you for that, Beef. 115 00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:26,680 Look, what we need to do is think of something 116 00:06:26,680 --> 00:06:29,040 that'll take our minds off this pie. 117 00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:31,400 Feast on me! Have me! 118 00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:32,920 I'm yours... 119 00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:35,440 Stop it, stop it, stop it! 120 00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:40,720 - ANGUISHED: - Stop tormenting me, you gorgeous bitch! 121 00:06:40,720 --> 00:06:43,080 - CHEERFULLY: - I know! What we need to do 122 00:06:43,080 --> 00:06:46,240 is tell each other fascinating pork pie stories. 123 00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:48,240 Yes, to take our minds off eating the pork pie. 124 00:06:48,240 --> 00:06:50,200 To take our minds off eating the pork pie. 125 00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:52,520 I'll start first because I'm the oldest. 126 00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:57,120 No, no... 127 00:06:59,360 --> 00:07:01,440 Right, now then. 128 00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:06,680 Not too long ago I was working as a gardener for Sir Elton John. 129 00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:10,160 And one morning I was pushing a wheelbarrow full of custard 130 00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:13,840 towards one of Elton's feeding troughs. 131 00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:15,720 Oh, hold on, sorry. Soz for interrupting. 132 00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:17,680 Is that what he has for breakfast, custard? 133 00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:20,360 Yeah, and it's extra sweetened with sprinkles on the top. 134 00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:22,120 So does David have custard also? 135 00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:25,360 No, David has a lie-in and has a couple of pints and a pickled egg. 136 00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:28,440 Anyway, I was pushing the wheelbarrow 137 00:07:28,440 --> 00:07:31,280 - when the wheel snagged on something. - I'm soz to interrupt again 138 00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:34,760 but I'd love to know what it snagged on. Wouldn't that be interesting? 139 00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:36,640 I don't know. It doesn't matter. 140 00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:39,640 Hang on, yes, it does matter! He just asked you a question. 141 00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:41,560 What did it snag on? 142 00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:44,400 I don't know. Maybe it was one of Elton's tiny little dogs, 143 00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:46,680 a picker-wanker or a chin-wagger or something. 144 00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:49,200 I don't know. I don't know what it snagged on. 145 00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:52,960 Anyway, the wheel bounced off and into his feeding trough. 146 00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:54,880 Good heavens, that's trouble on a plate. 147 00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:57,280 Exactly. And at that precise moment, 148 00:07:57,280 --> 00:08:01,680 from around by the orangery came waddling Sir Elton himself. 149 00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:04,600 "What do you think you're doing, daft lad?" 150 00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:08,760 he said in that rich, sonorous voice of his. 151 00:08:08,760 --> 00:08:12,920 And then I remembered, in me lunch bucket 152 00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:17,680 I had a five-inch thick-crust pork pie. 153 00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:18,720 Hold on, I know, I know, 154 00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:23,160 - so you used the pork pie as a replacement wheel on the barrow? - No. 155 00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:25,920 I just stuck it up his arse and told him to stuff his job. 156 00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:29,960 That's a nice story, terrific story. 157 00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:31,680 - Thank you. - Beef! 158 00:08:31,680 --> 00:08:34,680 Beef, concentrate on the pork pie stories. 159 00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:36,760 - I'm sorry. - Why don't you take your turn now? 160 00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:39,640 OK, all right. Draw near. 161 00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:42,240 Nearer still. 162 00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:43,480 Nearer still. 163 00:08:43,480 --> 00:08:45,600 All right, back off! 164 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:48,640 It was a dark, sweaty night, 165 00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:50,640 the kind of night that would force a man 166 00:08:50,640 --> 00:08:52,520 to lick an emperor penguin to death. 167 00:08:53,640 --> 00:08:59,920 I was driving down the A428 when I picked up a headless hitchhiker. 168 00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:03,440 I was drunk, so I asked her to take the wheel. 169 00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:08,360 Hang on a minute, you asked a headless phantom to drive your car? 170 00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:11,520 Yes, she was headless and had no arms. 171 00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:14,320 Sorry, no head and no arms? 172 00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:16,320 - Or legs. - Just a torso? 173 00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:18,160 Not even that. 174 00:09:19,680 --> 00:09:21,840 Was this actually a person, Beef? 175 00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:23,960 - HE CHUCKLES - No. 176 00:09:26,120 --> 00:09:28,400 It was a pork pie. 177 00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:32,080 Whoa! That's a lot better than your story, that was. 178 00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:34,360 - All right, lads? - Oh, hey up! 179 00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:35,920 - Jeez! - Oh, gosh! 180 00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:37,960 What a lovely pork pie. Give us some. 181 00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:39,840 No, keep your hands off it. 182 00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:42,200 And aren't you meant to be leaving today, Bosh? 183 00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:45,120 No, I'm not leaving today. I'm still ill. I've got a bad back. 184 00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:47,760 - Have you been to the doctor's? - Yeah, I've been to the doctor's. 185 00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:49,200 Yeah, and what did the doctor say? 186 00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:52,240 The doctor said I could stay here as long as I like. 187 00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:55,680 And he's told me to tell you that you're a twat. 188 00:09:55,680 --> 00:09:59,760 Bosh, we're telling pork pie stories to take our mind off eating the pie. 189 00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:01,320 You must have a plethora of them! 190 00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:04,080 Oh, let me think, pork pie stories. Think, think. 191 00:10:04,080 --> 00:10:07,200 - Yeah, go on. - Scratch, scratch. Comb, comb. 192 00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:08,440 Flick, yes! 193 00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:10,320 Ooh! 194 00:10:10,320 --> 00:10:11,800 Oh, look at... 195 00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:18,480 When I was in prison, 196 00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:20,920 I shared a cell with this fella called Ben Gunn. 197 00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:23,560 Now, he was a violent psychopath, right, 198 00:10:23,560 --> 00:10:27,240 but he made some of the best pork pies in the world. 199 00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:30,800 'Every night, right, I used to listen to him 200 00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:33,600 'saying the ingredients of his special pork pies.' 201 00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:35,560 - SNORTING: - Poooorrk! 202 00:10:35,560 --> 00:10:37,000 Poorrrk! 203 00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:38,720 Poorrrrrk! 204 00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:44,280 'And so I wrote the ingredients down in my special notepad.' 205 00:10:44,280 --> 00:10:45,760 Pooorrrk! 206 00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:46,800 Porrrrk! 207 00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:49,440 Have you still got that notepad, Bosh? 208 00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:52,080 No, Bob, I haven't got that notepad. I ate it. 209 00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:56,320 But I remember the secret ingredients like it were yesterday. 210 00:10:56,320 --> 00:10:59,440 - Right, do you still remember them? - Yeah, I remember them. Go on, then. 211 00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:02,360 - SNORTING: - Porrrrk. 212 00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:04,320 Porrrrk. 213 00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:05,880 Porrrrrk. 214 00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:07,640 Oh, shit - he was snoring, weren't he? 215 00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:13,120 Three years without any sleep for that. That's your fault, that is. 216 00:11:13,120 --> 00:11:15,440 - Sorry, Bosh. - Yeah, well, you will be. 217 00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:17,640 Here, how come he gets a go on the pie? 218 00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:20,560 What do you mean, a go on the pie? Hey, move your elbows, Vic. 219 00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:25,360 Not your eyebrows, move your elbows. 220 00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:26,720 Move them! 221 00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:27,920 VIC GROANS 222 00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:31,720 What have you done? Julie's going to kill us. 223 00:11:31,720 --> 00:11:34,560 Bruce Willis is going to go down on us. 224 00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:37,600 Look, look, lads, I know, I know that I got you in this fix. 225 00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:40,320 Let me just think. Let me just think for a minute. 226 00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:43,040 ANGRY GERMAN SHOUTING 227 00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:51,440 DESCENDING WHISTLE 228 00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:56,800 - Anything? - Not really, no. - Oh, Jesus! 229 00:11:58,040 --> 00:12:01,080 Hang on, what's he scratching his arse with? 230 00:12:01,080 --> 00:12:04,520 No nails, not no more need apply, not now anyway, Maureen. 231 00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:07,080 What? That was gibberish, Bosh. No Maureen, what? 232 00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:09,360 No nails, not no need apply, not now anyway, Maureen. 233 00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:11,000 No, he's talking horse shit. 234 00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:12,920 That's contact adhesive, 235 00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:18,440 which, luckily, gives me an idea for a plan. 236 00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:25,760 Good squirt. 237 00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:28,880 There you go, good as new. Now can we have some? 238 00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:30,560 No, Bosh, but thank you. 239 00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:33,480 Hang on there, let me run this past you. 240 00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:36,600 Why don't we heat up the entire interior 241 00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:38,800 and sample the pleasures from within? 242 00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:42,640 Come on, Bob, don't be a twat all your life. 243 00:12:42,640 --> 00:12:44,320 It's a good plan. 244 00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:46,120 - OK. - Yeah? 245 00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:49,480 All right. Heat up the insides of the pie. Do it, Bosh. 246 00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:52,440 HAIRDRYER WHIRRS 247 00:12:57,280 --> 00:13:01,520 - OK, everybody ready? - Mm-hmm. - Yeah? Let's do this. 248 00:13:05,240 --> 00:13:07,400 SLURPING 249 00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:17,560 - Wow, what did you think? - Splendid. - Yeah. Bosh, you like it? 250 00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:19,560 - Totally blown away. - Vic? - Knockout! 251 00:13:19,560 --> 00:13:21,920 Wasn't it though? OK, let's reinflate. 252 00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:27,360 Bosh, let's put some of that expanding cavity wall muck in there. 253 00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:31,080 Yeah, keep it going, come on. 254 00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:33,440 Steady, there it comes. 255 00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:34,880 It's rising. 256 00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:37,360 ALL MUMBLE ENCOURAGMENT 257 00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:39,480 Careful, careful. 258 00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:43,240 - That's it. - Yeah! - Good as new, basically. 259 00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:44,960 Right, all packed. 260 00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:47,920 FYI, if Bruce should turn up early, tell him I've hung 261 00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:51,480 a tin of corned beef on a string in the letter box to tide him over. 262 00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:54,480 Remember, take good care of that pie. 263 00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:56,000 If Bruce doesn't get his pie, 264 00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:58,960 he'll pull out of the film and one of you will have to die. 265 00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:01,960 Now Julie, I know you're only going away for a couple of hours, 266 00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:03,880 but I'm really going to miss you. 267 00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:06,280 Oh, Vic, that's so sweet of you. 268 00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:08,280 You know I don't have to go, you know. 269 00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:10,480 We could stay and play sex bingo. Say house. 270 00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:11,880 - House. - Bingo! 271 00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:13,080 You win a pottery Alsatian 272 00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:15,320 and a good old-fashioned go on my Barnaby Smudge. 273 00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:17,000 All right, thank you, Julie, 274 00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:20,000 but I think maybe you should just go and enjoy your holiday. 275 00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:22,640 Thank you. Look, they're all giving you a goodbye shape. 276 00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:25,000 - Oh, goodbye shapes! - Yeah, goodbye. 277 00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:26,920 - Goodbye. - Bye. - Goodbye. 278 00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:28,880 - Yes, goodbye. - Goodbye. 279 00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:31,320 Don't worry about your pie, Julie. 280 00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:41,400 Oh, this is a disaster. This could have serious consequences, you know. 281 00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:44,520 - What are we going to do? - What are YOU going to do, more like? 282 00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:46,440 Eh? What do you... Hold on, we all did it. 283 00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:50,320 - It wasn't just me. - Don't look at me. I wasn't even there. 284 00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:52,600 What, so you're going to tell Julie it was all me? 285 00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:55,400 We were just doing what you told us, weren't we, boys? 286 00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:56,840 - Absolutely. - Very much so, yeah. 287 00:14:56,840 --> 00:14:59,560 - You've lived up to your nickname, haven't you? - What nickname? 288 00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:02,360 Nothing, it's just something that people call you now and then. 289 00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:05,080 Oh, yeah? Do you know anything about this nickname? 290 00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:06,800 I might do. I might have heard it. 291 00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:08,640 Oh, right. Yeah, and so what is it? 292 00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:09,840 It's not for me to say. 293 00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:11,800 Is it Chase Me Charlie, is it that one? 294 00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:15,440 No, no, people don't call you that so much any more after the change. 295 00:15:16,840 --> 00:15:18,040 What is it? 296 00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:19,320 The Moron. 297 00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:23,240 And I suppose you made that up, did you? 298 00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:25,440 - It wasn't me, no. - Yeah, who was it then? 299 00:15:26,560 --> 00:15:29,000 Your mother. 300 00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:31,200 On her deathbed. 301 00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:32,520 And in her will. 302 00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:34,200 And on her gravestone. 303 00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:36,440 "Beloved mother of the Moron." 304 00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:40,560 - Which is why we don't take you for a walk round the graveyard any more. - Yeah. 305 00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:45,280 Look, if I was a moron, do you think I'd be able to sing like this? 306 00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:50,040 # I'm riding round in circles every day 307 00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:54,120 # I don't know if I'm going or if I'll stay 308 00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:58,000 # Cos I'm riding round in circles every day. # 309 00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:01,400 Yeah? 310 00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:05,200 Moron, is it? 311 00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:08,080 - Hello, everyone. - Oh, all right, Erik. 312 00:16:08,080 --> 00:16:11,400 Father. Or should I say the Moron. 313 00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:13,800 ALL LAUGH 314 00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:16,000 That was foocking er-wful. 315 00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:17,360 What was? 316 00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:20,000 Everything, the dance and the song. 317 00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:22,560 Ah-ha-ha-ha(!) 318 00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:26,240 Come on, we need to concentrate on replacing this pie. 319 00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:29,600 Now where can we get a luxury pie from? 320 00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:32,800 I can do a search for pork pies on my new laptop. 321 00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:36,440 Oh, thank you, Erik. What, just on Google, something like this? 322 00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:38,440 - How does this work, then? - Oh, shut up. 323 00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:41,720 I can't concentrate when you guys are talking buh-llocks. 324 00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:47,840 - Ah, there you go. - Oh, well done, Erik... 325 00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,400 Don't touch me, the Moron. 326 00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:56,640 Oh, OK, some pork pie shops. So Desperate House Pies. 327 00:16:57,720 --> 00:16:59,520 Dude, Where's My Pie? 328 00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:02,920 Pie and Prejudice. 329 00:17:02,920 --> 00:17:05,080 No Woman, No Pie. 330 00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:06,760 No Woman, No Pie, that sounds good. 331 00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:08,600 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. 332 00:17:08,600 --> 00:17:13,160 Julie said it was Morgan Freeman's favourite pie. 333 00:17:13,160 --> 00:17:15,000 There might be a clue in that. 334 00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:16,280 Oh, here it is. 335 00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:20,800 "Morgan Freeman, like many other Afro-American actors, 336 00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:25,200 "will only eat pork pies supplied by Ben Gunn's Pork Emporium." 337 00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:28,600 Ooh, Ben Gunn, my old cellmate, the pork pie master himself. 338 00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:30,880 You know, he's even got his own fleet of pigs. 339 00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:32,600 I married a pig once. 340 00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:35,320 You mean an ugly bird, right? 341 00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:39,200 No, I actually mean a pig. It was Soho in the '60s. 342 00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:40,960 It was quite the thing to do. 343 00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:44,280 That and drive around in bumper cars. 344 00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:48,120 All right then, shall we just go to Ben Gunn's and get a pie? 345 00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:51,200 No, we can't. It says he's shut here for Yom Kippur. 346 00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:55,520 Bosh, surely you could break in for us or summat, couldn't you? 347 00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:57,600 Oh, you're joking, mate. Ben Gunn's a psycho. 348 00:17:57,600 --> 00:17:59,480 And his pie shop's got one of the most 349 00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:02,600 impenetrable security systems in the western hemisphere. 350 00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:05,120 There's only one man I know that can get in there. 351 00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:07,200 - And who's that? - Barry Gibb. 352 00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:08,840 The last surviving Brother Gibb! 353 00:18:08,840 --> 00:18:10,800 The very same man. 354 00:18:10,800 --> 00:18:12,480 Oh, gosh darnit, 355 00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:15,680 Mr Gibb is spending this afternoon entertaining 356 00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:18,080 a young lady in Epping Forest. 357 00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:20,080 Which effing Forest? 358 00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:21,680 Ha-ha! 359 00:18:24,280 --> 00:18:27,280 # Ha, ha, cannonballs, cannonballs 360 00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:30,280 # Ha...ha.... 361 00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:32,520 # Cannonballs, cannonballs. # 362 00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:38,680 Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. Bosh, come on, Bosh. 363 00:18:38,680 --> 00:18:41,280 It's only a little shop. Surely you can break in for us. 364 00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:44,360 Well, I might be able to break in there, you know. 365 00:18:44,360 --> 00:18:47,400 It depends how long you let me stay, like, you know what I mean? 366 00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:48,760 What about another week? 367 00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:51,640 Yeah, lovely, six weeks it is. Fantastic. 368 00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:54,840 Right, let's all run away and break into Ben Gunn's pie shop. 369 00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:57,680 - Come on. - Thank you, Erik. - Shut up. 370 00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:01,240 SINGS IDIOTICALLY 371 00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:02,960 THEY LAUGH 372 00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:04,920 RESPONDS SIMILARLY 373 00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:13,920 What's the big joke then, lads? 374 00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:16,280 Bosh just told us the funniest thing I've ever heard. 375 00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:19,120 - Yeah? What was it? - I can't remember. Did you get the crisps? 376 00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:21,440 Yeah, I could only afford three packs, I'm afraid. 377 00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:22,640 There's only three of us. 378 00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:27,240 Wish I had a pack of crisps. 379 00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:30,240 Prawn cocktail, are you out of your mind? 380 00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:33,040 There is no way I am eating that ocean filth. 381 00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:39,480 Bosh, can I have one of yours? 382 00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:41,680 No, you can't, I've got none left. 383 00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:42,880 Vic? 384 00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:46,320 We haven't got time to stand around here eating crisps. We've got a job to do. 385 00:19:46,320 --> 00:19:47,920 Oh, Vic, I could have had them! 386 00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:49,000 You still can. 387 00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:51,200 I'm not picking them up off the floor. 388 00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:54,480 Ha! Listen to the old diva. I'll pick them up for you then. 389 00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:57,560 Here you are. There you are, Your Majesty. 390 00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:03,680 Look, we need one of them credit cards, security, 391 00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:05,280 swipe-swipe-swipe things. 392 00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:08,120 I've got one. Claire's Accessories loyalty card, that'll work. 393 00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:09,160 Bollocks it will! 394 00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:11,280 BEEPS 395 00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:12,960 Like I said, no problem. 396 00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:16,240 Right, stand back, I'll have a look in here with my special spy camera. 397 00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:20,160 Right. Zoom, zoom, focus, focus, focus, Kodak. 398 00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:23,640 Shit! 399 00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:28,000 Ben Gunn's actually in there asleep, with his cleaver, guarding the pies. 400 00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:29,160 I've got a good idea. 401 00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:32,080 You go in there. 402 00:20:32,080 --> 00:20:34,120 I know what he's like. I'm not doing it. 403 00:20:34,120 --> 00:20:36,800 I'll stand over here and scratch my nuts. 404 00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:40,480 - Come on, he's fast asleep. We might get away with it. - Go on, then. 405 00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:42,080 Fine. 406 00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:51,040 (There he is. 407 00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:53,960 (Right, Vic, go and get that pie.) 408 00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:55,600 Why is it always me? 409 00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:58,320 - It's never you! - Exactly, so send him. 410 00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:01,240 (Yeah, all right, good point. Beef, go and get that pie.) 411 00:21:01,240 --> 00:21:03,280 - No, I can't! - Why not? 412 00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:04,720 I'm on. 413 00:21:08,120 --> 00:21:10,600 It doesn't matter. Go and get the pie. 414 00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:12,480 - Be quiet. - All right. - Go! 415 00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:17,080 PRRRT! PRRRT! 416 00:21:17,080 --> 00:21:19,320 "FARTING" IN TIME WITH FOOTSTEPS 417 00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:22,160 Beef, psst, psst! Take your shoes off. 418 00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:24,960 It's not my shoes. I'm nervous. 419 00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:29,320 Just stop there. Vic, go and get the pie. Go and get the pie. 420 00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:32,840 FOOTSTEPS "FART" 421 00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:38,200 Vic, stop! Vic, are you nervous? 422 00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:40,000 No, I'm not nervous. 423 00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:41,040 Stay there. 424 00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:44,680 MUSICAL "FARTS" 425 00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:50,480 - Are you nervous? - I'm not nervous at all. 426 00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:52,520 I think it's the floor. 427 00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:57,120 "FARTING" ALONG WITH FOOTSTEPS 428 00:21:57,120 --> 00:21:59,520 All right, Beef, stop it! 429 00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:04,800 MOURNFUL DESCENDING "FART" 430 00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:07,080 ASCENDING "FART" 431 00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:14,120 Look, lads. Shush! We're going to have to make a run for it. 432 00:22:14,120 --> 00:22:18,120 Ready? One, two, three. 433 00:22:18,120 --> 00:22:21,640 CACOPHONY OF "FARTS" 434 00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:29,960 Shit, it's padlocked. Let's get out of here. 435 00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:32,840 No, no, no, hold on. I've got a plan. 436 00:22:34,080 --> 00:22:37,200 SAWING AND HAMMERING 437 00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:43,040 (I'm stuck!) 438 00:22:43,040 --> 00:22:45,480 - I'm stuck! - What's that clown saying? 439 00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:47,360 I think he's saying he's stuck. 440 00:22:47,360 --> 00:22:48,640 Ben Gunn's behind you. 441 00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:50,120 What? 442 00:22:50,120 --> 00:22:52,080 Benn Gunn's behind you! 443 00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:53,800 Whoa! 444 00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:56,000 Don't harm me. I'm ELO's archivist. 445 00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:58,440 If you kill me, their music will be lost for ever! 446 00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:02,880 HE SNORES 447 00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:07,240 FARTING 448 00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:09,240 It's all right, Bosh, it's just the floor. 449 00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:11,560 Oh, it's not the floor, man. I'm bloody nervous. 450 00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:15,880 ELONGATED FART 451 00:23:15,880 --> 00:23:17,200 Right, come on. 452 00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:19,760 Let's get going before Ben Gunn comes back round again. 453 00:23:35,520 --> 00:23:37,000 That's a relief, innit? 454 00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:38,440 Yes, we should celebrate. 455 00:23:38,440 --> 00:23:40,640 Why don't we eat some of the pork pie? 456 00:23:40,640 --> 00:23:43,160 Heyyyy! Nearly had us. 457 00:23:43,160 --> 00:23:48,240 Excuse me, you pack of bastards! I've had a terrible day! 458 00:23:48,240 --> 00:23:52,240 You sang my lovely song, like, in a really childish manner 459 00:23:52,240 --> 00:23:55,840 when it should be sung like Wet Wet Wet, like soft rock. 460 00:23:55,840 --> 00:23:57,560 And worst of all, 461 00:23:57,560 --> 00:24:02,400 the heel of my boot is tight up hard against my bellend. 462 00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:05,720 Will you get me out, please? 463 00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:16,440 Stop it! 464 00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:18,920 It's made of bulletproof glass. 465 00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:20,720 To stop people shooting at the pies. 466 00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:22,600 Stand aside. 467 00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:23,920 I'll pop him out of there 468 00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:27,560 - like a cork from a cheap bottle of German wine. - What's he doing?! 469 00:24:30,080 --> 00:24:31,880 HE STRAINS 470 00:24:40,360 --> 00:24:42,560 It's impossible. I'm spent. 471 00:24:42,560 --> 00:24:45,560 Depression has set in and various bits and pieces. 472 00:24:45,560 --> 00:24:49,440 Now listen, lads, this is a long shot and I've never done it before, 473 00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:53,200 but I have seen it done on television so it should work, OK? 474 00:24:54,520 --> 00:24:56,720 Bosh, drum roll. 475 00:24:56,720 --> 00:24:58,840 Beef, curtain. 476 00:24:58,840 --> 00:25:00,880 DRUM ROLL 477 00:25:02,280 --> 00:25:04,040 VIC WARBLES 478 00:25:04,040 --> 00:25:07,120 Three, two, one, Al Jazeera! 479 00:25:07,120 --> 00:25:09,320 TRUMPET STING 480 00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:10,960 ALL CHEER 481 00:25:10,960 --> 00:25:12,560 It worked! It worked! 482 00:25:12,560 --> 00:25:14,400 Hi, guys! 483 00:25:14,400 --> 00:25:16,040 Hello, Julie. 484 00:25:16,040 --> 00:25:18,720 Julie, your pie. 485 00:25:18,720 --> 00:25:21,560 Oh, thanks. Look, it's going really well with Bruce. 486 00:25:21,560 --> 00:25:23,880 I reckon if he likes the pie, he'll do the film, 487 00:25:23,880 --> 00:25:25,880 and he's really ready for his pie. Listen. 488 00:25:25,880 --> 00:25:28,880 - BRUCE: - Where's my pie? Where's my pie? 489 00:25:28,880 --> 00:25:31,440 Where's my pie? 490 00:25:32,880 --> 00:25:34,520 I'd better take him his pie. 491 00:25:34,520 --> 00:25:35,760 You should. 492 00:25:35,760 --> 00:25:38,440 Good luck, Julie. Come on, let's listen. 493 00:25:40,200 --> 00:25:42,960 Where's my pie? I want my pie. 494 00:25:42,960 --> 00:25:45,280 I need my pie. 495 00:25:45,280 --> 00:25:46,920 Here it is, Brucey. 496 00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:50,400 Eating some pie, eating some pie! 497 00:25:50,400 --> 00:25:52,160 Yum, yum, yum. 498 00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:55,240 I like this pie. I love this pie. 499 00:25:55,240 --> 00:25:58,880 I'll do this film cos I love this pie. 500 00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:03,560 - Yes. - Oh, that seemed to go very well, didn't it? - Yeah. 501 00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:05,960 Where's my pie, scumbags? 502 00:26:05,960 --> 00:26:09,920 Mr Gunn, I'm just a little boy. I've got nothing. 503 00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:14,720 Hello, Mr Gunn. You clearly don't recognise me from prison 504 00:26:14,720 --> 00:26:17,280 and that's fabulous, so I'm just off to buy a cauliflower. 505 00:26:17,280 --> 00:26:20,560 - I hope that's absolutely fine with you. - Shut it, Bosh. 506 00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:22,040 Now I know it's nearby, 507 00:26:22,040 --> 00:26:25,000 cos I secreted a tracking device inside of it. 508 00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:28,880 He said yes. He'll do the film and he loves sex bingo! 509 00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:32,440 Hello, Ben! Lovely pies. 510 00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:34,480 - You haven't eaten it, have you? - No. 511 00:26:34,480 --> 00:26:37,720 Attached to the tracker is a small explosive device, 512 00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:40,080 which is triggered by digestive juices. 513 00:26:40,080 --> 00:26:42,800 If anyone eats it, boom! 514 00:26:44,600 --> 00:26:47,000 Must go, Morgan's going to be furious. 515 00:26:49,160 --> 00:26:53,040 A tracker on a pork pie? How queer is that? 516 00:26:53,040 --> 00:26:55,120 Isn't it just? Yeah. 517 00:26:55,120 --> 00:26:58,160 DISTANT EXPLOSION 518 00:26:58,160 --> 00:26:59,720 Bang goes Nobbin Hood. 519 00:26:59,720 --> 00:27:01,840 Sounds like Bruce Willis has died. 520 00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:06,080 Hard. 521 00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:15,240 # Didn't we have a lovely day the day we killed Bruce Willis? 522 00:27:15,240 --> 00:27:16,880 # So what happens next? 523 00:27:16,880 --> 00:27:18,160 # Let's sing a song 524 00:27:18,160 --> 00:27:20,240 # Good idea, Bob knows one! 525 00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:25,000 # I'm riding round in circles every day 526 00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:26,800 # Soft rock version, soft rock version 527 00:27:26,800 --> 00:27:29,480 # I don't know if I'm going or if I'll stay 528 00:27:29,480 --> 00:27:31,360 # He's a moron, he's a moron 529 00:27:31,360 --> 00:27:37,360 # I'm riding round in circles every day! # 530 00:27:37,360 --> 00:27:39,440 THEY HUM 531 00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:41,320 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE