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# Today's the day I decorate with paper I got off the eBay

2
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# It's a surprise for Bob So I've done a good job

3
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# I think he'll be over the moon with it

4
00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:31,000
# Look what he did The useless prick

5
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# He's covered my home with horses

6
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# I wish that he would leave well alone

7
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# And stop destroying my beautiful HOME! #

8
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So, Bob, what do you think?

9
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What do I think? It's awful!

10
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It's like seeing your mum in a codpiece. What's the scenario here?

11
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Horses. Beautiful horses. Some of them galloping.

12
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Some of them...not so galloping.

13
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That one there's more like a kangaroo.

14
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Kangaroo?! That's Billy Bongo.

15
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He won the Grand National in 1927 and 1978. Billy Bongo!

16
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I remember Billy Bongo.

17
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Whatever happened to Billy?

18
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Well, he got eaten by the IRA. Oh.

19
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And what about this fella here? This one, it's too long.

20
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It's like a German sausage dog.

21
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Well, you're right about the German,

22
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because it's a German tandem horse for two people, you know,

23
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for lovers or friends, you know.

24
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It's a German honeymoon horse. Oh, right.

25
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Bob, did I ever tell you I was a horse whistler?

26
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I think you mean horse whisperer.

27
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No, horse whistler.

28
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I used to whistle... VIC WHISTLES

29
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Whoops. ..and the horses would come. Very useful at the stud farm.

30
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Of course, yeah.

31
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Well, I'll tell you what, Vic, I'm gonna live with it,

32
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well, up to half an hour or so, and then you can rip it down

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and we'll have it burnt in the brazier at a gypsy encampment.

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Well, charming(!)

35
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# Have a look I'm all dressed up

36
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# Today I'm meeting a lady

37
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# I have to admit I'm feeling shit

38
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# I was up till half four drinking lager. #

39
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Here, I like your new wallpaper.

40
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That's German honeymoon horses, innit? Yeah.

41
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Apparently. Billy Bongo there.

42
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Some of them galloping. Some of them not so galloping.

43
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See, he's not ignorant. Yeah. So, Bosh, you moving out today? No.

44
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Why would I, you twat? Whoa!

45
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Well, firstly, because it's not your house

46
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and also, I've never actually invited you to live here, have I?

47
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You're still ill, aren't you? Am I?

48
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Yeah, you're still ill, you know, whooping cough.

49
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Oh, yeah, whooping cough. BOSH COUGHS

50
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Whoo-hoo. HE COUGHS

51
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Whoo-hoo. So, Bosh, what's with the fancy clobber? Top half anyway like.

52
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Well, I've got me probation officer coming round to check on us, like.

53
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Now, I've told her that I've got a steady job

54
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and that Julie next door is my fiance.

55
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Oh, yes, and I've also told her that I own this place.

56
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Hey, hey, hey, no way. Never. Not gonna happen. No way.

57
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This is not barnacle country.

58
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Oh, yes, I think it is. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Yes, it will.

59
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Oh, Bosh! Hold on, Bosh! Your breath stinks!

60
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Does it? Oh, man!

61
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It stinks of booze and...flies.

62
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Well, I've been having a party, haven't I?

63
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You can't see your probation officer

64
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stinking of booze and flies. Here, hang on.

65
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Try a bit of this. What is it?

66
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BUBBLING

67
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CHICKEN CLUCKS

68
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Cheeky chicken.

69
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Well, how about that?

70
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It repels chickens as well.

71
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And if I was you, Bosh, I'd put some trousers on.

72
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Your probation office might not be as free-thinking as me.

73
00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:46,000
You know what I mean, like? Bosh. Some trousers. Some trousers on.

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Bosh makes tentative step towards trouser collection.

75
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Well done, Bosh. Well done.

76
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Can you believe that? Him wanting to say that this is his house?

77
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I can't believe it. Isn't it extraordinary?

78
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It is extraordinary. I can't believe it. Hey, Bob, Bob.

79
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Yeah? Forgot to tell you.

80
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This wallpaper also repels flies. Yeah? How come?

81
00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:06,000
Well, I put up these rolls here with

82
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a mixture of fly spray and hair gel.

83
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Oh, get you!

84
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And it'll also keep all the wasps away as well.

85
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Yeah, but we don't actually get wasps in here, do we, Vic?

86
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:18,000
Hmm, well, you will now, because I've put this roll up here with marmalade.

87
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Thick cut, that's why it's a bit lumpier than the others.

88
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Do you know what you are, Vic? What?

89
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You're an idiot. A what? Yeah, you're an idiot.

90
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I'm an idiot, am I? You're an idiot, yeah. I'm an idiot. An idiot.

91
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Would an idiot be able to do this?

92
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Eh? It's beautiful, it's beautiful, yeah.

93
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Now who's the idiot?

94
00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:47,000
Aye, so I'm an idiot, yeah. Yeah.

95
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# Wanna make love tonight

96
00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:59,000
# I wanna make love all right

97
00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:02,000
# I wanna make love to... #

98
00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:03,000
Horses.

99
00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:09,000
Some galloping. Some not so galloping. Yes.

100
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Famously ridden through the streets of Coventry by Lady Godiva naked.

101
00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:17,000
I said NEIGH-ked. You know what I mean?

102
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Beef, I like your belt!

103
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:23,000
It's yellow. The most yellow of all my yellow belts.

104
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As yellow as a buttercup. Like the buttercup,

105
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I can use this to test whether you like yellow belts.

106
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Come closer.

107
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Closer still.

108
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Closer still. Oh, right, oh right. OK.

109
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That's it, down we go. OK.

110
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Yes. Yeah.

111
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That's it. You there. Come here.

112
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Test whether he likes yellow belts.

113
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Can you get in there? Yeah. Ooh. Yes.

114
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Urgh! Urgh! Urgh!

115
00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:09,000
So, Vic, do I like yellow belts, can you see? Yeah.

116
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Yes, I do. Yes, you do. Well, that makes sense

117
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because I said I liked his belt. Can I have me wig back, please?

118
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I've no idea what you're talking about. Excuse me?

119
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I said I've no idea what you're talking about.

120
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Vic, just give us me wig back.

121
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It's down there. Look, it's trying to escape again.

122
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Yeah.

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THEY LAUGH

124
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Yeah? Yeah?

125
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Oh, you're laughing, are you?

126
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Hello, everybody. I like the new wallpaper.

127
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German honeymoon horses.

128
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Yeah. Come and have a look. Yeah, I'll come and have a look.

129
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No, wait there. Just the cool guys.

130
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You like it?

131
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That's fucking genius.

132
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Uh-huh. Some of 'em galloping.

133
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And some of them not so galloping.

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This is why I like you so much, Vic. You keep on surprising me.

135
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Erik, I've got some wallpaper I could put up in your room for you.

136
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It's got like aircraft on it and robots.

137
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Aircraft? Do I look like I'm five years old?

138
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"I'm in an aircraft.

139
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"I should probably land so my mum can change my diaper."

140
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Need to learn when to shut up, we were having a moment. Oh.

141
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Yeah, Erik, I'll see you later on at dusk.

142
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We'll have a Ribena together or something.

143
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You crazy, Vic.

144
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So, what was it you came round for, Beef?

145
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I'm storing some things for Bosh. Is he around? Is he?

146
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I don't know. I'll have a look if he's upstairs.

147
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Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh!

148
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Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh!

149
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BOTH: Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh!

150
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ALL: Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh! Bosh!

151
00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:08,000
He's up there. He's probably got his head submerged.

152
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What, he's having a bath? No, he'll be looking at his tropical fish.

153
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So, what did you come round for, Beef?

154
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All right. Just hiding some things for him until the heat dies down.

155
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Anyway, are there any women in the flat? I'm feeling incredibly randy.

156
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No, of course not, Beef. I'll be off then.

157
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I shall sit on my dishwasher until the feeling passes. All the best.

158
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Yeah. Bye, Beef. Bye, Beef.

159
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She's nearly here. So here's the plan - you two get lost. One of you

160
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go and get Julie and one of you come back pretending to be me boss.

161
00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:42,000
No, I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it, Bosh.

162
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I'll have no part to play in it.

163
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Sorry, I'm not doing it.

164
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Well, in that case, I have no alternative than to

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play my trump card

166
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and send these exotic photographs of you to the national press.

167
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Exotic photo? What exotic photos?!

168
00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:58,000
Ah-ha! The John McCririck ones.

169
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Ssh... I thought I told you to get rid of them.

170
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:06,000
Yeah, well, no. I sent them to Bosh when he was in prison.

171
00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:09,000
I thought it might cheer him up. And they did, Vic, they did.

172
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Have you still got them? Yeah, have a look at those.

173
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THEY LAUGH

174
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Ooh, what's that you and John are sitting on?

175
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You're riding around on, is it a St Bernard?

176
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Yes. What's that on your head? It's a Christmas pudding.

177
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VIC LAUGHS Oh, that's a nice one, you've

178
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got your arms around John's waist.

179
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Is that a rolling pin you're holding there?

180
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Here. There! Ha-ha! All gone.

181
00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:37,000
That won't destroy the negatives, mate.

182
00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:40,000
Oh, ssh... I should've killed you when I had the chance.

183
00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:42,000
KNOCK ON DOOR Right, she's here.

184
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Go on, get out. Get out. One of you go and get Julie

185
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:47,000
and one of you come back pretending to be me boss.

186
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:49,000
Go on. Scram, scram, scram.

187
00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:53,000
Oh, hello. Do come in, Fiona, and make yourself at home, you twat.

188
00:09:56,000 --> 00:10:00,000
So, this is your new home?

189
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:03,000
I like your German honeymoon horses. Some of them galloping.

190
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:06,000
Some of them not so galloping. HE BLUSTERS

191
00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:08,000
But where have my manners... They have abandoned me.

192
00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:12,000
Please, sit yourself down there, my sweet, sweet darling.

193
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:14,000
Now, can I get you a lager,

194
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:18,000
a cigarette or perhaps a chicken nugget?

195
00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:21,000
Thank you. I'm fine.

196
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:28,000
So, how have things been going since your release, Mr er...Bush?

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Bosh. Not Bush?

198
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:32,000
Nutbush City Limits. Whatever you like.

199
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:34,000
Do carry on, your worship.

200
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:38,000
You clamber up through that window and be quiet.

201
00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:40,000
Right, go on. Give us hoggle up. Eh? Cup your hands.

202
00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:43,000
No, down there. Come on. Oh, I know what you mean, like on the telly.

203
00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:46,000
Yeah. On the telly. Ooh! Is that... You've got it?

204
00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:49,000
It's quite refreshing, but no, it's not right. OK, I'll decouple.

205
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:52,000
I know. Here...

206
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:55,000
on there, on the waistband there, get it in there.

207
00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:58,000
You've got purchase? Yeah. Oh.

208
00:10:58,000 --> 00:10:59,000
Up you go. Come on.

209
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:03,000
Hang on, it's quite hard. Oh, thanks very much. Oh!

210
00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:06,000
Ah!

211
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:09,000
Shush!

212
00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:16,000
TAMBOURINE RATTLES AND HORN HONKS

213
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:22,000
Sorry, what is going on in there?

214
00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:25,000
Oh, that will be my maid. She's continental, don't you know?

215
00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:30,000
Excuse me one moment while I go and chide her.

216
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:35,000
Oi! Shut up in there, you daft cow, before I come in there and bite you!

217
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:40,000
I'm so sorry about that, madam. Now, where were we?

218
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:43,000
(That's your fault that! Shush!) (It's your fault.)

219
00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:47,000
Look what you've done now!

220
00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:49,000
GARBAGE DISPOSAL RUMBLES

221
00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:03,000
Ssh!

222
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:06,000
Turn it off at the fuse board!

223
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:08,000
Yeah, no problem.

224
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:12,000
Get in the fuse board in there. Turn it off.

225
00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:23,000
RADIO PLAYS

226
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:31,000
So, this is your house? And does your maid live here?

227
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:33,000
Yes. Pardon me, madam.

228
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:35,000
I'm so sorry about all this infernal noise.

229
00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:37,000
What must you think of me? Not much I'm sure.

230
00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:40,000
Excuse me whilst I go and rap the bloody servant.

231
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:49,000
Oi! Oh, aye! Something's happening. Ooh!

232
00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:58,000
Go and get Julie, you big bag of nought.

233
00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:00,000
Tell her to pretend to be me wife.

234
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:26,000
I'm so sorry about that, but running a house of this size and grandeur

235
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:29,000
is a constant worry for both me and my fiancee,

236
00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:32,000
who will be here shortly, you twat.

237
00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:37,000
KNOCK ON DOOR Yoo-hoo. Ah!

238
00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:41,000
Julie, I was just wondering if you could... Hang on a minute.

239
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:52,000
Julie, I was wondering if you could do me a favour?

240
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:54,000
Oh, yes, of course. But first of all,

241
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I'm absolutely desperate to go fishing.

242
00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:59,000
Oh, come on, don't be an arsehole, just say yes. Please?

243
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:03,000
Oh, yes, yes, yes. Come on a little spot of fishing. Come on. Right.

244
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:08,000
Landing nets, hooks. Yeah. All the fishing shit. Come on, let's fish,

245
00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:13,000
let's do it. Ah! Oh I did enjoy that did you? What did you catch?

246
00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:17,000
Nothing. Oh, come on, I saw your float bobbing and the fish taking your bait.

247
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:19,000
Oh, don't be tight. Tell me what you got.

248
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:21,000
A trout. Hold it up.

249
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:26,000
Let me take a picture.

250
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:32,000
He's a beauty, isn't he? How much do you think he weighs?

251
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:39,000
I don't know, about 2oz. Oh, the fish! 10lb?

252
00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:44,000
Oh, you silly boy. There's nothing there. We didn't even go fishing.

253
00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:46,000
THEY LAUGH

254
00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:49,000
Julie, look. Now listen, about that favour.

255
00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:53,000
Bosh's probation officer's coming around in a minute.

256
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:56,000
Would you, please, pretend to be his fiancee?

257
00:14:56,000 --> 00:15:00,000
Oh, yes. What fun! Yes, yes! Good. Just come round in a minute.

258
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,000
In a minute? Yeah. Oh, defo. Thanks.

259
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:06,000
And you say you're now in full-time employment? Oh, yes.

260
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:08,000
What is it you do? I don't know.

261
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:11,000
But my boss will be here shortly to fill you in.

262
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:15,000
Ah, hello. Ah, there he is now.

263
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:18,000
I'm Gary Hardboard, Bosh's employer.

264
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:23,000
Good day, madam, I'm Bosh's boss, Lord Halfmore. Now then, look here,

265
00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:26,000
every morning, he raises the sluice gates and allows the fish and the

266
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:30,000
birds and the small craft and the mosses and the crabs to pass through.

267
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:33,000
And at the end of the day, he closes the sluice gates and everything

268
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:35,000
seems to be satisfactory and in good order.

269
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:38,000
I thank you for your kind time and attention.

270
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:40,000
Sorry, hold on. I don't understand.

271
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:42,000
Which one of these bosses do you actually work for?

272
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:45,000
I don't mind. Which one do you like?

273
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:51,000
Ah, Brownhole. Ah, Sergeant Tobotsman. Yes.

274
00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:54,000
A problem has arisen with our insurers.

275
00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:57,000
Yes, well, I think there looks like a good place to have

276
00:15:57,000 --> 00:16:00,000
a high powered business meeting. I quite agree. Let's go through.

277
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:03,000
After you. Thank you, madam. Good day, madam. Good day.

278
00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:06,000
You work for both of them, do you? It's looking that way, innit?

279
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:10,000
Hmm. And you're in a steady relationship? Tell me about her.

280
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:14,000
Oh, yes, well, she works for a Turkish man in Persia.

281
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:19,000
Istanbul? Yeah, that's him, Stan Bull. He guts fish.

282
00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:22,000
Hello, my treacle!

283
00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:24,000
I just got back from the old typing pool.

284
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:27,000
Cor, them Olivettis don't half blister your fingers!

285
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:31,000
What are you doing in my house? You coppers do my head in!

286
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:36,000
You must be the PERSIAN fiancee?

287
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:41,000
Yes, I am Fatima. Let me tell you your fortune.

288
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:46,000
All right, Julie? Fatima.

289
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:49,000
Hold on a second. Who the hell is this?

290
00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:57,000
You really are beautiful. Maybe we should make love.

291
00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:00,000
Tell me, what are you doing here?

292
00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:04,000
I'm interviewing Bosh. Ah, he's applying for a job, is he?

293
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:06,000
That'll be a first.

294
00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:10,000
Maybe he'll find somewhere to live, or even get himself a girlfriend.

295
00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:12,000
I understand Julie is free.

296
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:14,000
Your stolen bicycle pumps are outside if you want them.

297
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:16,000
Ah, thanks very much, mate.

298
00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:18,000
Oh, I get it. You've been lying to me.

299
00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:22,000
You haven't got a home or a job or a girlfriend.

300
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:25,000
Right. Well, this is absolutely unacceptable.

301
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:28,000
I'll be back next week and if things haven't significantly improved,

302
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:31,000
I'll report you to the court for breach of your probation order.

303
00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:34,000
Do you understand? Get yourself a job.

304
00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:36,000
Oh, yes, I quite agree, you twat.

305
00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:39,000
One week.

306
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:45,000
Don't you dare, Beef! You've ruined the whole plan.

307
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:49,000
What plan? What whole plan?

308
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:10,000
Right. No, stop it, stop it! Drop the beat.

309
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:12,000
You need to sort this out, mate. Me? Why me?

310
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:15,000
John McCririck. You've got to get yourself a job.

311
00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:19,000
A job, yeah, that's it, yeah, I'll take it. What is it? No, I haven't got a job, Bosh.

312
00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:24,000
Bosh, what you've gotta do is think about what you really like doing.

313
00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:26,000
Oh. Oh, God. Think, think, squirt, squirt.

314
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:32,000
That's not a job, though.

315
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:34,000
I know, I wanna be like that twat off the telly.

316
00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:37,000
What Gordon Ramsay? Yeah.

317
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:42,000
Gordon Ramsay. Gordon Ramsay. That gives me an idea for a plan.

318
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:45,000
What plan? What whole plan?

319
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:57,000
Right. Best behaviour, please, Julie, she'll be here in a minute.

320
00:18:57,000 --> 00:19:00,000
This is such a hoot.

321
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:04,000
Right. Hello! Here are your starters.

322
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:06,000
Whole chicken for you.

323
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:10,000
Whole chicken for you. Now, let us say grace.

324
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:13,000
Two, three, four.

325
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:18,000
# Ole, ole, ole, ole, ole, ole

326
00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:22,000
# Ole, ole. #

327
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:26,000
That's it. OK. Now, would you like anything to drink?

328
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:29,000
I've got skimmed, semi-skimmed, pasteurised or full fat.

329
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:32,000
Maybe you'd like to try the yogurt? No. We're fine, thanks.

330
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:36,000
OK then. All right. I'm sorry Martin, that table's taken.

331
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:39,000
You'll have to eff off. KNOCK ON DOOR

332
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:43,000
Oh, hello, madam. Welcome to my new job.

333
00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:46,000
I'm the proprietor of this pop-up restaurant Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares,

334
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:49,000
named after the famous restaurant off of Gordon Ramsay's.

335
00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:52,000
Now, allow me to show you to your table, you twat.

336
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:58,000
I have warmed your seat for you. Um-hm.

337
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:04,000
Well, this is very impressive, Bosh. Well done.

338
00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:08,000
You know, if this is for real and not just one of your scams,

339
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:10,000
I might give you another chance. All right.

340
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:13,000
Well, in that case, how would you like your chicken cooked?

341
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:17,000
Roasted or boiled? Sorry, I'm a vegetarian.

342
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:19,000
Well, have it cold then.

343
00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:21,000
No, I'm a vegetarian.

344
00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:24,000
Well, have it cold then.

345
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,000
No, I don't want chicken. Have you got anything else?

346
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:28,000
I've got halibut upstairs in the bath.

347
00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:31,000
I'm a vegetarian! Well, have it raw then.

348
00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:34,000
What else have you got?

349
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:36,000
Fags, milk and yogurt.

350
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:40,000
Could you ask the chef to knock me up something?

351
00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:41,000
Well, I'll give it a go, yeah.

352
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:48,000
Right. She wants one of you two to knock her up or something.

353
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:51,000
Knock her up?! She's not had her pudding yet.

354
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:54,000
She wants us to knock her something up to eat. Does she not like chicken?

355
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:56,000
No, she's a vegetarian.

356
00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:59,000
Well, did you tell her she could have it cold? Yeah.

357
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:02,000
Vegetarians don't eat chicken, not even cold.

358
00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:03,000
Did you not even know that?

359
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:04,000
It's ridiculous.

360
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:07,000
Look, tell her we'll think of something.

361
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:11,000
Yeah. All right. Well, get a bloody move on. Especially you.

362
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:14,000
Because if I don't feed her, then I go back to prison

363
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:15,000
and the press get the photos.

364
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:18,000
All right. Ooh.

365
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:20,000
Well, right. Vic, think.

366
00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:25,000
Something that's not chicken, but you CAN eat it.

367
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:28,000
Have a look in the cupboards, Vic.

368
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:31,000
Chickens.

369
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:35,000
Chickens. Try the cupboard below.

370
00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:37,000
Oh!

371
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:44,000
Chickens everywhere! Cheeky chicken!

372
00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:47,000
Whoa! Ah!

373
00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:51,000
Cheeky chicken! Cheeky chicken!

374
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:55,000
You all right?

375
00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:59,000
We can serve chicken. Whoa!

376
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:00,000
BOTH: Cheeky chicken.

377
00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:07,000
Right. Not chicken, but you... BOTH: CAN eat it.

378
00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:11,000
I know, I'll ask Erik, he's foreign, isn't he?

379
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:14,000
And you get on the phone to Beef, see what he's got in his cupboards. Right.

380
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:17,000
I'm so sorry about the inevitable delay, madam.

381
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:19,000
The chef can be rather partial.

382
00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:23,000
Perhaps some light entertainment whilst you wait?

383
00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:25,000
PLAYS "LONDON'S BURNING"

384
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:31,000
Et cetera.

385
00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:36,000
# ..London's burning London's burning. #

386
00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:38,000
Erik. # ..Fire, fire... #

387
00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:44,000
# ..Fire, fire. #

388
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:46,000
Oh, Erik.

389
00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:50,000
What do you want? I'm very busy working on some dimensions.

390
00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:52,000
That's interesting. Dimensions for what?

391
00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:57,000
Your coffin. ERIK LAUGHS

392
00:22:57,000 --> 00:22:59,000
And so on. Yeah, thanks, Erik.

393
00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:02,000
Look, Bosh has got a diner downstairs who won't eat meat.

394
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:04,000
You haven't got anything I can serve up, have you?

395
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:07,000
Yeah. Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, great.

396
00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:11,000
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here, serve that.

397
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:15,000
ERIK LAUGHS Yeah, tennis, yeah, yeah.

398
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:17,000
Ahoy, it's a classic.

399
00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:19,000
Yeah, no, it's right up there, yeah. Erik...

400
00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:29,000
Oh, hello there. I like your moo-moo.

401
00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:30,000
I bet you do.

402
00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:35,000
It's made from Moroccan sausage skin and winkles and it's heatproof.

403
00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:40,000
I've been sat in the airing cupboard all morning without a simple bit of discomfort.

404
00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:42,000
I should be in there.

405
00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:45,000
All right, Beef? This is all I could find.

406
00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:47,000
Let's have a look. What is it?

407
00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:49,000
Does it matter? I mean, does it really matter?!

408
00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:55,000
Yeah, it does matter, Beef. I think this is flour.

409
00:23:57,000 --> 00:23:59,000
Look, here's an egg. Egg.

410
00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:04,000
Right. we crack the egg into the flour. That'll make a pizza. Yeah.

411
00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:08,000
And for a topping. We use maybe this sauce of Beef's.

412
00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:10,000
Let me try it.

413
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:12,000
Yeah, that's OK. Try it.

414
00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:17,000
Hmm. Real depth of flavour. What is it?

415
00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:20,000
I don't know. I bought it from a bazaar in Nairobi.

416
00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:28,000
Mmm. It says here, "Mugabe's personal nerve agent.

417
00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:31,000
"Sugar free. May contain nuts.

418
00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:34,000
"Please follow us on Twitter and Facebook."

419
00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:37,000
You kill him.

420
00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:54,000
Nerve agent! Nerve agent, Beef! You know what that means?

421
00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:56,000
It means we're going to die.

422
00:24:57,000 --> 00:25:02,000
Beef. What? Contact me mum and tell her I love her.

423
00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:05,000
I love her too. On a weekly basis.

424
00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:10,000
Ooh! So, I guess this is cheerio. So goodbye, Vic.

425
00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:12,000
I've always loved you.

426
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:15,000
Oh, Bob! Goodbye. I love you too.

427
00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:21,000
I'm feeling horny again.

428
00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:23,000
Get out of my way.

429
00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:25,000
Ooh, ooh! Ooh!

430
00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:29,000
You to me are everything,

431
00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:33,000
the greatest song a man could sing. Oh!

432
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:37,000
No, Beef, no! Get out of here. Go on, man. Shame.

433
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:42,000
I shall return with shoes made of...iron ore!

434
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:47,000
I'm so sorry about that, madam.

435
00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:50,000
We get all sorts in here. It really can be quite a challenge.

436
00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:59,000
Bosh, I'm dying due to nerve agent ingestion!

437
00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:02,000
So, I guess it's goodbye. OK.

438
00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:05,000
I'd like you to have me racehorse when I'm gone. What, Daft John?

439
00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:08,000
Yes, it's his 50th birthday on Saturday.

440
00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:11,000
There's a coconut in the fridge for him.

441
00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:13,000
Could you make sure he gets it? He loves to suck on them.

442
00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:18,000
Vic, Vic, it's all right. Listen, it's OK.

443
00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:21,000
It's worn off. Must be out of date or something. Oh.

444
00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:23,000
Yeah, phew. Ooh. Oh.

445
00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:26,000
Did I hear you say coconut? I love coconuts.

446
00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:27,000
Maybe I could have that?

447
00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:30,000
Of course, madam. Mortimer.

448
00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:34,000
You can't deprive Daft John of his sucking coconut!

449
00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:36,000
I don't care about his sucking coconut.

450
00:26:36,000 --> 00:26:39,000
If I don't feed her, I'm going back to sucking prison.

451
00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:44,000
There you are, madam, a lovely coconut topped pizza.

452
00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:45,000
Thank you.

453
00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:46,000
That pizza looks a bit hard.

454
00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:49,000
Yeah, it turns out it wasn't flour, it was grout.

455
00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:53,000
Is grout edible?

456
00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:54,000
Nope.

457
00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:57,000
This looks delicious, Bosh. Well done.

458
00:26:57,000 --> 00:27:00,000
It's not cordon bleu, but it's a good effort.

459
00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:04,000
So, I'm not going back to prison, then?

460
00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:07,000
Well, no, of course not. ALL: Yay!

461
00:27:14,000 --> 00:27:18,000
And I am wearing iron ore shoes.

462
00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:22,000
And tonight, I celebrate my love for you.

463
00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:28,000
ALL: Yay!

464
00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:31,000
Are you trying to knock me up or something?

465
00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:34,000
That was my plan. My whole plan.

466
00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:36,000
ALL: Hey!

467
00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:39,000
# Didn't we have a lovely day?

468
00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:41,000
# The day I ran a restaurant

469
00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:43,000
# So what happens next?

470
00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:46,000
# We form a circle Dance around the hydrothermal... #

471
00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:52,000
ALL HUM ALONG

472
00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:07,000
Thank you. Thank you.