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JAUNTY THEME MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEECH

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# Today's the day with my toupee I go to the award show

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# It's Wig Wearer of the Year, a night alone without the moron.

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LAUGHTER

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# Can't wait for tonight

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# Oh what a delight

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# To see Bob's trophy in his hands

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# I'll be so proud sat in the crowd

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# Drunk as a lord without me pants on. #

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LAUGHTER

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Oh, just you and me on a night out together.

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Hey, who should we thank if I win?

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What, Vic? No, I'm not thanking that arsehole!

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HE LAUGHS

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Who you talking to - is it wiggy,

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that little fella who lives on your head?

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You just leave him alone. Today I don't want you sweating near him,

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I don't want you slavering on him,

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I don't want you creating breezes near him,

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I need him completely unflustered for the evening's award show.

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Bob, that wig will remain safe and undisturbed

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unless something untoward happens, which I'm sure it won't.

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LAUGHTER

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That's really very reassuring.

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Now, Bob, did you get me curly cheesy puffs?

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Uh... Uh.

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Did you get me curly cheese puffs?

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- Did you get them, did you get them? 
- Yeah!

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Yes, yes, yes, yes,

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yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

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Oh, no, sorry, I forgot.

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No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

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Dryness, dehydrated, need water.

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IN AMERICAN ACCENT: Cool, refreshing Scottish water.

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Course I got them, there you are, I was just kidding,

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just kidney beans, just kindling, that kind of thing.

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There you go.

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What's the matter?

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These are straight ones, I asked for curly ones.

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Well, they're just taste the same, won't they?

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No, they won't, you eat with your eyes, man,

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what's the matter with you?

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IMMITATES GUNSHOT

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Whoa! come here.

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There you are, freshly curled.

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LAUGHTER

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Well?

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No, it's not the same, I can still taste the straightness.

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Go and get me a curly one.

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No, I won't - I'm not your slave. I'm sorry about the lack of curl

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but, look, today's the day of me award ceremony,

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can't we just create a nice, pleasant atmosphere?

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- HE GROWLS 
- Go on, why don't you show me

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what you've been doing on your little computer?

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All right then.

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Actually I've been up all night working on Photoshop,

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- do you know what I mean? 
- Sorry?

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Working on Photoshop.

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Yeah, I got that what was the little flourish afterwards though?

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Working on Photoshop... (SLURRING) D'yknow what I mean?

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It's, like, cool for, "Do you know what I mean?"

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Oh, right. "D'yknow what I mean?

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Yeah, I get you.

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Yeah, no, I know the Photoshop.

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It's not the Photoshop,

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it's just Photoshop,

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- just Photoshop, you idiot. 
- Idiot?

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- Oh, yeah.
- If I was an idiot would I be able to do this?

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- LAUGHTER 
- Eh?

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What?

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Eh? Oh, well, you'll never know.

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Come on, what have you been doing?

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Well...

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Bob have you ever wondered what Richard Branson, Sir Richard Branson,

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might look like if he didn't have a beard?

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Yeah, all the time, sometimes every minute of every day.

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Yeah, I think most people,

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most people have wondered that at some point in their lives.

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- Yeah, definitely, definitely. 
- Have a look at this.

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LAUGHTER

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I don't even know who that is, Vic, I don't recognise him at all.

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It's Richard Branson, Sir Richard Branson.

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- Really? 
- But wait a minute - look.

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Wow, he's back, it's Richard. Sir Richard.

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Sir Richard's back now, so he can design more hot air balloons.

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Yeah. Do you know, you've done really well, Vic.

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- Thank you. 
- Done really, really well.

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Bob, can I ask you something?

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- I don't know, can you? 
- Yeah.

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Do you know it's the Wig Wearer of the Year Awards tonight?

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Yeah, and if I win it will be three years on the trot

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and I get to keep the wig.

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Yeah, so no more rentals on it?

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No, it's mine to keep.

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I was wondering... I'd really like to go to something like that,

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can I go with you?

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No, no, no, no, no, you're not going, Vic.

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Do you not remember last year with Bruce Forsyth?

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AS FORSYTH: A goo-goo-goo-good evening, ladies and gentlemen and children,

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welcome to the Wig Wearer of the Year Award.

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BIRD SQUAWKS

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Fly free, my beauty, fly!

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SQUAWKING

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BRUCE STAMMERS

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Give it to me.

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FARTS NOISILY

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LOUD BANG

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LOUD BANG

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Yeah, well, but that wasn't nothing to do with me that was Kes's fault.

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But look, Vic, if you're at a loss for something to do tonight

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why don't you wash your bed sheets for once instead of just

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leaning them up against the wall every morning?

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How am I supposed to wash them, we haven't got a river near by?

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A river? We don't live in Wales.

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How did you wash them last time?

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I just walked them through that car wash over there.

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But that car wash over there, yeah, that shut in 1982 -

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is that the last time you washed them?

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Yeah, so I can't go there again, can I?

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- Oi, this way, come here, come here, you.
- All right, Bosh?

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Never mind all that, you twat, I need you to do something for me.

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Here, look after that.

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All right. Bosh, Bosh, hold on a minute, first off, what is it?

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It's, you know, it's one of them sort of pump me up

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- energy drinks, isn't it, you know? 
- Bosh, Bosh.
- What?

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What, so it's just like for body builders - that sort of thing?

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- Body building juice, exactly right. 
- Bosh?
- What?

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- Come here, are you moving out today? 
- No, I am not moving out, Bob.

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- Why not? 
- I'll tell you why not,

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because I have very rapidly

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fallen madly

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in love with you.

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LAUGHTER

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That's the first of many, you twat.

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LAUGHTER

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Be careful with that.

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All right, Vic.

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- Yeah, where you going, son? 
- I'm going to go to the toilet.

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Enjoy yourself, kid.

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Hey, Vic, did you hear that?

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- This is like body builder's liquid, you know?
- Yeah.

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You know, I wouldn't mind being all buffed up for tonight's award show.

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- Me too.
- Yeah, but you're not coming, are you?

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What part of your body are you most looking forward to getting buffed up?

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I've got to say the top half because the bottom half,

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I've got to be honest, is pretty buffed up already to be honest.

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- Yeah? 
- Yeah, here, check it out, go on.

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Whoa, that's good and thick that, isn't it?

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You can't actually get your hand round it, can you?

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It's rock hard as well.

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Yeah, it's quite short.

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Yeah, it's quite short but it will be good for football that.

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Ugh! Ugh!

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Ugh!

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Hey, Vic, I wonder if it's kicked in already yet?

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We need to lift something, have you got anything heavy?

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I've got a Metallica album but it doesn't weigh much.

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LAUGHTER

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- What was that? 
- It was a joke.

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Oh, right, it didn't land, though, yeah?

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We need to lift something that's really heavy, that lamp's heavy,

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we've never been able to lift that, have we? Go on, give it a go.

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HE STRAINS

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Go on.

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STRAINS LOUDLY

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No, that makes... It's a very heavy lamp, isn't it?

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It's too heavy that, son.

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Yeah, what's happened to my toupee?

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Where's my toupee gone, Vic?

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Where's my... where's my...?

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Where's my toupee gone, Vic?

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Bob, Bob, you know that old, arthritic rat thing

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that hangs around here sometimes?

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Yeah, what's that got to do with it?

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It's walking off with your wig down there.

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Well, catch it, Vic!

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RAT THING SQUEAKS

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Well, grab it for me, Vic.

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It's your wig, you get it.

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No, I'm scared of it, you know, I'm just a little boy really.

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Will you just grab it for me?

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Keep your hair on.

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LAUGHTER

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Please, just grab it for us, Vic.

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I'm going as fast as I can for someone who hasn't got

186
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a ticket for the Wig Wearer of the Year awards.

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Oh, just grab it, Vic, please.

188
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It's so old it's developed a forcefield round it.

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BUZZING

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Well, penetrate it, Vic.

191
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I'd feel a lot braver if I had a ticket for tonight.

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You're not going. Get it!

193
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Bob, Bob, no, it really has gone, it's gone underneath the cooker.

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BOB GROWLS AND SNARLS

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Bob you're all pumped up, harness the power.

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- IN A DEEP VOICE:
- Get out of my way!

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Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

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VIC SNARLS

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The prophecy has been fulfilled.

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You cheeky monkey.

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You silly sausage.

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You silly billy.

203
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You daft apeth.

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Oh, you idiot.

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- Oh, yes!
- Yes.

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If I was an idiot would I be able to do this?

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HE YELPS

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LAUGHTER

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MUSIC BOX PLAYS DELICATE TUNE

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THEY GROWL AND SNARL

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- Charity.
- Sweet charity.

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Sentimental.

213
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Gay abandon.

214
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GROWLING

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ROARING

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Ro-o-o-aaahh!

217
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MICROWAVE BEEPS

218
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Oh!

219
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Oh!

220
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Oh!

221
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Oh!

222
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Boom!

223
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I know!

224
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Why?

225
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THEY ROAR

226
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Dance!

227
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CHEESY ELECTRONICA

228
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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

229
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BOB GRUNTS

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Oh, no. No, it's worn off.

231
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Aaaaaagh!

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Oh! There's goes my toupee, get after it before we lose the power!

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ECHOING ROAR: Yes, master!

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Oh... For goodness' sake.

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LAUGHTER

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ANIMAL SQUEAKS

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It's gone into Julie's flat.

238
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Oh, not Julie's. Here, get out the way.

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FUNKY MUSIC

240
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# Here is my pan

241
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# And you must understand

242
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# I was told it was made of iron

243
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# When I got home

244
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# And heated my stove

245
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# It melted cos it's made from plastic! #

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LAUGHTER

247
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What a fool I've been with the purchase of this frying pan.

248
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I tell you this, if ever you need a frying pan, go to a regular

249
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store and not Crusty Ken's Kitchen Shit House.

250
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LAUGHTER

251
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I like your boots, Beef.

252
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Yes, they're Canadian, made from a wolf's penis.

253
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LAUGHTER

254
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Did you get them in Canada?

255
00:11:16,880 --> 00:11:18,560
No, I got them in Hartlepool.

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LAUGHTER

257
00:11:20,560 --> 00:11:23,760
They ARE Canadian. Let me show you. If you twist the heel,

258
00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:27,800
inside there's a small bottle of maple syrup for pancakes, which was

259
00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:31,200
what I was trying to cook in Crusty Ken's Kitchen Shit House frying pan.

260
00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:34,480
Transpires it's about as much use as a...

261
00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:36,120
Plastic frying pan.

262
00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:38,640
Was that a joke?

263
00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:40,120
LAUGHTER

264
00:11:40,120 --> 00:11:42,480
What's that little saucepot doing?

265
00:11:43,560 --> 00:11:44,960
ANIMAL SQUEAKS

266
00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:50,000
Beef, Beef. You know that little rat thing, that little rat beaver thing

267
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:52,600
that's round these parts? Yeah, it's nicked me toupee

268
00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:54,120
and taken it into Julie's house,

269
00:11:54,120 --> 00:11:56,720
and without it I can't go to the award show, it's a disaster.

270
00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:58,960
- What, that little rat beaver thing? 
- Yeah.

271
00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:00,760
Well, hasn't that been in this building

272
00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:04,160
- since our forefathers were here in the 1970s?
- Mm.
- Mm.

273
00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:05,920
TINKLING MELODY

274
00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:07,120
Cor blimey!

275
00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:10,360
I hate being a bus conductor.

276
00:12:10,360 --> 00:12:14,680
Yeah, I know you do, Dickie. Hey, one of those coloured gentlemen's

277
00:12:14,680 --> 00:12:18,800
moved in next door. Cor! He ain't half tall.

278
00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:22,160
And fat! I don't know how he squeezes into that little

279
00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:23,720
Hillman Imp of his.

280
00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:26,520
Oh, hello, Harper.

281
00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:30,360
Cor blimey! I only just got an eye full of that bit of crumpet next

282
00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:35,000
door, and she's only moved in with a coloured fellow. He ain't half tall.

283
00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:36,680
BOTH: And fat!

284
00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:38,440
I should say.

285
00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:41,440
Here, Stan, that little rat weasel thing's making off,

286
00:12:41,440 --> 00:12:44,360
rather slowly, I might add, with your caramel wafer.

287
00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:46,040
LAUGHTER

288
00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:49,640
Cor! That rat gerbil thing's been slowly stealing stuff

289
00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:53,640
since our fathers lived here in the 1950s!

290
00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:55,120
- Yeah.
- Yes.

291
00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:56,840
'50s TV THEME MUSIC

292
00:12:58,400 --> 00:12:59,760
VIC GRUNTS

293
00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:02,360
VIC GRUNTS

294
00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:04,520
Look here, darling, I'm sick and tired of working

295
00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:07,360
at the Foreign Office. Do you think you might possibly have a word

296
00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:10,600
with your father and see if you could secure me a position at the Treasury?

297
00:13:10,600 --> 00:13:14,320
I'll see what I can do. Now, listen, that coloured gentleman's

298
00:13:14,320 --> 00:13:17,840
still living next door, you know. He's very tall.

299
00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:19,440
And fat.

300
00:13:19,440 --> 00:13:22,640
I've simply no idea how he squeezes himself into that rather

301
00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:25,920
- wonderful little Morris Oxford of his.
- Mm.

302
00:13:25,920 --> 00:13:27,440
BEEF GRUNTS

303
00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:28,720
Hello, darling.

304
00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:31,800
Now listen here, you two. Transpires that fancy blouse

305
00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:34,480
from next door's moved in with a coloured chap,

306
00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:36,160
and he's a tall one.

307
00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:37,880
BOTH: And fat.

308
00:13:37,880 --> 00:13:39,000
Yes.

309
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:42,720
Now look here, that little rat beaver thing there is making off,

310
00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:45,440
with a rather casual manner I might add, with my brisket,

311
00:13:45,440 --> 00:13:47,520
I was going to have that for my tea.

312
00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:49,360
ANIMAL SQUEAKS

313
00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:52,400
Vic, would you go next door to Julie's and get it for me?

314
00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:55,440
Well, I'm not going, why don't you go?

315
00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:57,320
Because I'm disgusting.

316
00:13:57,320 --> 00:13:59,360
Well, I'm not going, it's ten o'clock.

317
00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:02,400
She'll have had her first sherry and she's at her randiest then.

318
00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:04,360
- Beef, would you go?
- I'm not going.

319
00:14:04,360 --> 00:14:06,680
- Why not?
- I've no idea where next door is.

320
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:08,480
I don't even know who you are.

321
00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:11,080
I'll go if you give us a ticket for tonight.

322
00:14:11,080 --> 00:14:15,000
Urgh! You get that wig back you can have a ticket, Vic.

323
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:16,200
Right, good.

324
00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:17,920
Well, I'm having some of this first.

325
00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:20,960
You know, it's not a bad idea. Oh, go easy.

326
00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:24,120
Ooh! Ulrika.

327
00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:26,600
- Good luck.
- Thanks.

328
00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:27,760
Pancakes?

329
00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:31,160
BOING!

330
00:14:32,760 --> 00:14:34,560
Beef, how the hell did you do that?

331
00:14:34,560 --> 00:14:38,480
You have to believe in yourself, Bob. Do you believe in yourself?

332
00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:41,960
- Yes, I believe. 
- Well, then, you will be fine.
- OK.

333
00:14:43,520 --> 00:14:45,160
THUD

334
00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:46,480
BOB GROANS

335
00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:49,000
- What a fool.
- Ah!

336
00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:50,280
Jesus!

337
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:55,800
ANIMAL SQUEAKS

338
00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:59,400
Oh, hello, tiny little bear thing.

339
00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:03,040
Long time no see! You've been around here for a long

340
00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:05,800
while, since my mother lived here in the '70s.

341
00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:08,200
TINKLING MELODY

342
00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:10,160
Cor blimey!

343
00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:12,480
SLIDE WHISTLE

344
00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:15,560
I'll take a couple of those and a cup of tea!

345
00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:19,280
Oh, I say! Ain't you a lively one and no mistake.

346
00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:22,360
Why don't you come in for a bit of 'how's your father'?

347
00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:23,960
BOING!

348
00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:27,000
- Me husband's away.
- Who? The coloured fellow?

349
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:29,760
- Yeah. Tall, ain't he? 
- And fat.

350
00:15:30,840 --> 00:15:31,960
Oh!

351
00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:33,320
BOUNCING THUD

352
00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:34,640
Oh!

353
00:15:34,640 --> 00:15:37,840
SHE GIGGLES MANIACALLY

354
00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:41,040
Hey, where you going with my Imperial Leather?

355
00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:43,040
ANIMAL SQUEAKS

356
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:49,080
Uh-bluh...Whoo! Julie, I was wondering, can I just quickly grab

357
00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:51,640
that little beaver thing between your legs?

358
00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:53,400
Abso-bloody-lutely.

359
00:15:53,400 --> 00:15:55,520
Be my guest. Martin, do one.

360
00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:57,000
No, that's not what I meant,

361
00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:59,240
I meant, can I grab that little scruffy rat thing?

362
00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:01,120
Call it whatever you like.

363
00:16:01,120 --> 00:16:04,000
No, look, that rat bear thing, it's run off with Bob's wig.

364
00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:06,320
Where's it gone? Where's it gone? Where is it?

365
00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:08,720
He needs it for the Wig Wearer Awards. Where's it gone?

366
00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:10,000
Where's it gone?

367
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:13,400
Vic, Vic, Vic, calm down. You're acting like an eight-year-old, OK?

368
00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:16,520
When I was eight I was an Ice Road Trucker.

369
00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:18,440
Oh, Vic, let's just get married.

370
00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:20,040
No, thank you very much.

371
00:16:20,040 --> 00:16:23,160
I will have to wear black though, I killed my last husband.

372
00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:25,080
ECHOING ROAR

373
00:16:26,680 --> 00:16:28,080
Ooh!

374
00:16:28,080 --> 00:16:30,160
Come, on Vic, come on, Vic. You can do it.

375
00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:32,520
Never mind that, what the hell is this brew?

376
00:16:32,520 --> 00:16:36,640
Oh, that's Bosh's Pump Me Up energy drink, Beef. Drives you mental,

377
00:16:36,640 --> 00:16:39,760
I wouldn't have any. Luckily I don't need it because I'm pretty trim,

378
00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:43,400
especially down below. You can try it out if you want, give it a feel.

379
00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:44,480
Oh, yes.

380
00:16:45,760 --> 00:16:47,920
- Oh, that is quite firm. 
- Thank you.

381
00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:53,400
- I'd be very, very proud of that. 
- Yes, I am, thanks very much.

382
00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:56,720
Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt this beautiful moment,

383
00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:59,920
but I didn't know I was in Brokeback Mountain.

384
00:16:59,920 --> 00:17:01,680
LAUGHTER

385
00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:05,240
Well, at least now I know why they call you Beef.

386
00:17:05,240 --> 00:17:07,320
Way-hay! Ha...

387
00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:09,680
Ha. Ha, ha, ha!

388
00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:10,960
Ha, ha, ha...

389
00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:12,920
HE RETCHES

390
00:17:12,920 --> 00:17:14,760
Smashing, lovely, gorgeous.

391
00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:16,880
HE ROARS

392
00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:19,160
Vic! Hello!

393
00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:20,760
DISTORTED VOICE: Where's the rat?

394
00:17:20,760 --> 00:17:22,840
There! It's gone there!

395
00:17:22,840 --> 00:17:25,320
You daft bastard!

396
00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:30,360
Oh, I hope Vic gets that wig for the award show.

397
00:17:30,360 --> 00:17:31,680
Awards, you say?

398
00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:34,280
I won some awards for some films I made in Africa.

399
00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:36,040
Oh, yeah? What sort of films were they?

400
00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:38,720
Well, they were action, action and thrills,

401
00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:41,720
all made under the blistering African sun.

402
00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:43,200
Hey, would I know any of them?

403
00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:45,320
Yes, I think you would. But would you?

404
00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:47,520
I mean, I don't know, maybe,

405
00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:50,560
I'm not your biographer. How the hell should I know?

406
00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:52,280
All right, what were they called?

407
00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,840
Well, there was Casabonker.

408
00:17:56,120 --> 00:18:00,840
Morocco Cocko, where I played Colonel Hippobottomus.

409
00:18:02,120 --> 00:18:05,120
Hold on a minute, did you just say you were in Casablanca

410
00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:06,560
with Humphrey Bogart?

411
00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:11,520
No, I said Casabonko with Humphrey Blow Hard and Lauren Back Scuttle.

412
00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:13,920
LAUGHTER

413
00:18:13,920 --> 00:18:16,720
- Maple syrup?
- Yes, please.

414
00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:19,240
- Not my 'minge' vase!
- Afraid so!

415
00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:21,880
Ahhhhhhh!

416
00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:27,040
Friends! Friends. Young Christopher and Benji,

417
00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:30,680
friends for ever until Benji died!

418
00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:32,120
BONK!

419
00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:33,680
There we are.

420
00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:35,320
LAUGHTER

421
00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:39,120
Oh, my God! It's horrible!

422
00:18:39,120 --> 00:18:41,120
I know I am but what are you?

423
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:43,200
JULIE GASPS

424
00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:45,200
Yeah, that's enough, thanks, Beef.

425
00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:46,920
That's enough, thanks, Beef.

426
00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:50,600
- Beef, that's enough! 
- Yeah, I don't know how to stop it.

427
00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:52,480
Help me! Help me!

428
00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:57,600
It lives again, I can see it! It can only be destroyed with fire.

429
00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:00,080
DISTORTED VOICE: Friends.

430
00:19:00,080 --> 00:19:01,800
Sea monster!

431
00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:03,000
Friends.

432
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:04,040
Ridge dweller.

433
00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:05,240
Friends.

434
00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:07,040
Professor Lightbulb.

435
00:19:07,040 --> 00:19:08,160
JULIE SHRIEKS

436
00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:09,360
Home.

437
00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:13,880
These are not the droids that you're looking for.

438
00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:17,280
- Oh, come on, let's just get the prats.
- Oh, what fun.

439
00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:26,640
LAUGHTER

440
00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:29,640
Right.

441
00:19:29,640 --> 00:19:34,040
Let's find out who you really are, Professor Lightbulb,

442
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:35,720
or should I say...

443
00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:38,800
..Vic?!

444
00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:41,760
So, Vic was Professor Lightbulb the whole time?

445
00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:45,280
Yes, and I would have got away with it if it wasn't for that caretaker.

446
00:19:45,280 --> 00:19:47,360
Oh, Vic, is it really you?

447
00:19:47,360 --> 00:19:48,560
CAMERA CLICKS

448
00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:50,480
Oh, yes, it's him all right!

449
00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:53,720
Right, I need to find that toupee and that rat thing.

450
00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:57,040
Everyone into the kitchen, please.

451
00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:04,960
Right, what do you know about this awful, slow, thieving rat thing?

452
00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:08,360
I need to know its whereabouts, I need to know its acquaintances,

453
00:20:08,360 --> 00:20:12,080
I even want to know how, when and why it shits.

454
00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:13,920
Come on. Vic?

455
00:20:13,920 --> 00:20:16,120
Sir, it's got your wig.

456
00:20:16,120 --> 00:20:17,600
Yeah, that's a good one. Julie?

457
00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:20,080
Could it be a tiny camel?

458
00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:23,200
We'll put that on the back burner, Julie.

459
00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:24,480
Vic.

460
00:20:24,480 --> 00:20:27,080
Sir, criminals often return to the scene of the crime.

461
00:20:27,080 --> 00:20:29,000
Have you checked to see if it's on your head?

462
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:31,760
I like the way you're thinking. No, not there.

463
00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:33,840
Sir, have you cordoned off the area?

464
00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:36,920
Yeah, have you combed the area for clues?

465
00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:38,280
Oh, I see.

466
00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:40,920
All right, Erik. Always a pleasure. What do you want?

467
00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:43,520
Just came down to get my curly cheese puffs.

468
00:20:43,520 --> 00:20:45,720
You did get them for me?

469
00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:47,160
No, he got straight ones.

470
00:20:47,160 --> 00:20:49,840
Nobody eats straight ones these days, do they?

471
00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:52,560
Father, you know your problem?

472
00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:56,360
- What?
- You're the type of scum who goes to buy a Curly Wurly

473
00:20:56,360 --> 00:20:58,480
and comes back with a Straight Wurly.

474
00:20:58,480 --> 00:21:00,080
Wahey!

475
00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:06,000
- You're a tough cop, Vic. 
- Yeah, thanks.

476
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:08,360
- You're going to crack this case, aren't you?
- Wide open.

477
00:21:08,360 --> 00:21:09,840
I've got a good feeling about you.

478
00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:12,160
All right, all right, all right, all right.

479
00:21:12,160 --> 00:21:13,720
Come on, you've had your fun.

480
00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:16,520
Beef, hit me with something.

481
00:21:16,520 --> 00:21:18,680
When I was in Morocco,

482
00:21:18,680 --> 00:21:20,840
I employed a house boy

483
00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:23,720
that used to catch rats in his arse cheeks.

484
00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:27,120
Thank you for that, Beef.

485
00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:31,120
Come on, Vic. What do rats like this actually do with their time?

486
00:21:31,120 --> 00:21:34,480
I'm sorry, sir. I just don't know. I feel like I've let you down.

487
00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:36,480
I'm just going to go and have some All Bran.

488
00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:39,440
No, hang on, I've got to interrupt there. Shit, no.

489
00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:42,440
When I said, "Catch rats in his arse cheeks",

490
00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:45,000
I meant, "Crack walnuts".

491
00:21:57,760 --> 00:22:00,280
Thank you for clearing that up, Beef.

492
00:22:00,280 --> 00:22:02,120
Bosh, you've been very quiet.

493
00:22:02,120 --> 00:22:03,520
What are you talking about, man?

494
00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:05,280
I haven't shut up for the last half hour.

495
00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:08,280
- You haven't said a word. 
- Yeah, I know, you twat.

496
00:22:08,280 --> 00:22:11,560
- So, come on? The rat. 
- That rat has been here nicking stuff

497
00:22:11,560 --> 00:22:14,880
since my dad moved into this place in the 1970s.

498
00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:16,880
Here, Stan!

499
00:22:16,880 --> 00:22:20,320
There's a new clippy started working down at the depot.

500
00:22:20,320 --> 00:22:22,320
Cor, what a dolly bird!

501
00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:26,080
I wouldn't mind taking her up the Balls Pond Road.

502
00:22:26,080 --> 00:22:30,040
I know! I seen her dumplings in the canteen this morning.

503
00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:32,800
Hey, you should set the booby trap for her.

504
00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:34,680
Get out of it, you pilchard!

505
00:22:36,360 --> 00:22:38,160
I'm free!

506
00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:42,640
So, six months banged up for playing Dutch hopscotch

507
00:22:42,640 --> 00:22:44,840
with a one-eyed sailor from Swansea.

508
00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:48,160
Well, nobody told me the rules!

509
00:22:48,160 --> 00:22:49,960
- Ooh! 
- HE COUGHS

510
00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:51,960
Is there something wrong with you?

511
00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:55,840
Yes, I've caught a dose of something foreign from a Turkish pipe fitter.

512
00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:57,240
Ha! You can't trust them.

513
00:22:57,240 --> 00:23:01,360
Here, there's that rat thing again. It's got hold of your maracas.

514
00:23:01,360 --> 00:23:03,960
Ooh!

515
00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:07,160
But, Bosh, how do we find the rat?

516
00:23:07,160 --> 00:23:10,200
Bosh takes moment to think.

517
00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:13,040
I've got it!

518
00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:15,680
You need to find the rat.

519
00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:17,200
Oh, this is useless.

520
00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:19,680
He keeps going on about some Moroccan boy

521
00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:22,200
that cracks walnuts in his arse cheeks,

522
00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:24,160
she thinks it's a tiny camel,

523
00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:26,480
you've got nought on your mind but All Bran.

524
00:23:26,480 --> 00:23:29,160
It's useless. How are we going to find this rat?

525
00:23:29,160 --> 00:23:32,800
And I bet, I bet one of you has had a kak in one of these cupboards.

526
00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:37,600
All of you, all of you. Come on, what are we going to do?

527
00:23:37,600 --> 00:23:39,120
Sir, sir!

528
00:23:39,120 --> 00:23:41,680
When I was under the influence of the pump-up juice,

529
00:23:41,680 --> 00:23:45,280
I saw the rat via the gift of thermal imagery.

530
00:23:45,280 --> 00:23:47,960
What? Do you mean you could see its underpants?

531
00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:49,880
No, I could see it,

532
00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:53,080
but just as a moving portion of hot meat.

533
00:23:53,080 --> 00:23:56,200
Do you know what? I think Vic's cracked it.

534
00:23:56,200 --> 00:23:58,000
So, do I get the ticket, sir?

535
00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:00,160
Yeah, I get the wig, you get a ticket.

536
00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:02,200
All we need to do...

537
00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:06,800
..is get under the influence of the pump-me-up juice, yeah?

538
00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:11,000
And then we can use the gift of thermal imagery to locate the rat.

539
00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:13,280
That's right, get some of that down you.

540
00:24:13,280 --> 00:24:15,560
- Let's go and find a stinking rat. 
- Yeah!

541
00:24:15,560 --> 00:24:17,480
THEY GROAN

542
00:24:17,480 --> 00:24:19,720
THEIR VOICES BECOME DEEP / DEMONIC

543
00:24:19,720 --> 00:24:21,320
That silly sod!

544
00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:23,520
- Argh!
- What a nitwit!

545
00:24:24,760 --> 00:24:26,520
Africa.

546
00:24:26,520 --> 00:24:27,880
Oh, Saucy Jack!

547
00:24:27,880 --> 00:24:29,400
The little twerp!

548
00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:32,680
There it is. Get him!

549
00:24:34,480 --> 00:24:35,640
Ah!

550
00:24:40,920 --> 00:24:42,280
Ah!

551
00:24:45,120 --> 00:24:46,360
Ah!

552
00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:54,560
Ah!

553
00:24:58,360 --> 00:25:00,680
There it is! Get it!

554
00:25:03,760 --> 00:25:05,440
Where is it?

555
00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:09,960
- NORMAL VOICE:
- Hold on, stop! My wig! Stop it! Get up.

556
00:25:09,960 --> 00:25:13,680
My wig, it's ruined! Look at it, it's ruined.

557
00:25:16,720 --> 00:25:18,720
Oh...

558
00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:22,440
Thank you.

559
00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:27,520
Beef?

560
00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:39,040
Well, that's it, then. No wig awards for me.

561
00:25:39,040 --> 00:25:40,680
I haven't got a toupee. It's ruined.

562
00:25:40,680 --> 00:25:42,120
Oh, it's OK, Bob.

563
00:25:42,120 --> 00:25:44,040
Come on, I can mend it.

564
00:25:44,040 --> 00:25:47,680
Did I tell you I did all of the hair and make up for the Vietnam war?

565
00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:51,840
Yes, both sides. I wasn't particular.

566
00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:54,360
"More rouge, Khmer Rouge?", I used to say,

567
00:25:54,360 --> 00:25:57,480
and laughter would echo through the tunnels.

568
00:25:57,480 --> 00:26:00,920
Shut up, just get out. Go on. All of you, get out.

569
00:26:00,920 --> 00:26:03,880
Once again, all me dreams are shattered. Go on, out you go.

570
00:26:03,880 --> 00:26:06,360
- There's another bit. 
- I don't want it, get out.

571
00:26:06,360 --> 00:26:09,200
Go on! Out!

572
00:26:13,120 --> 00:26:14,800
Right, well...

573
00:26:15,840 --> 00:26:19,600
..there's no fancy award ceremony for me, then.

574
00:26:26,360 --> 00:26:29,200
I wonder who will win now I'm not going.

575
00:26:29,200 --> 00:26:31,560
Rod Stewart, I suppose.

576
00:26:34,120 --> 00:26:35,680
Maybe Zoe Ball.

577
00:26:36,800 --> 00:26:40,520
God, she doesn't half look like her dad when she takes her wig off.

578
00:26:41,760 --> 00:26:44,160
Still, it's not going to be me.

579
00:26:44,160 --> 00:26:46,520
Bob! Don't do it!

580
00:26:46,520 --> 00:26:49,080
- I think we've got a solution. 
- Really?

581
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:00,880
And the nominations are...

582
00:27:00,880 --> 00:27:03,320
Ron Caramel,

583
00:27:03,320 --> 00:27:06,440
Nick Nolte,

584
00:27:06,440 --> 00:27:09,920
Andrew Castle,

585
00:27:09,920 --> 00:27:12,480
Bob Mortimer.

586
00:27:12,480 --> 00:27:14,800
And it gives me great pleasure to announce that the

587
00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:18,080
Wig Wearer of the Year award goes to...

588
00:27:23,200 --> 00:27:24,840
..Mr Bob Mortimer!

589
00:27:37,280 --> 00:27:38,760
God.

590
00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:50,040
# Oh, didn't we have a lovely day?

591
00:27:50,040 --> 00:27:52,520
# The day I lost my toupee

592
00:27:52,520 --> 00:27:55,400
- # Let's fill our cups 
- With this pump-up stuff

593
00:27:55,400 --> 00:27:59,440
# And dance around this Michael Buble... #

594
00:27:59,440 --> 00:28:02,160
Ha! Let's do this!

595
00:28:02,160 --> 00:28:05,560
THEY HUM TUNE

596
00:28:08,360 --> 00:28:12,040
THEY HUM TUNE

597
00:28:15,080 --> 00:28:17,840
Thank you!

598
00:28:21,080 --> 00:28:23,600
Thank you!