1 00:00:16,760 --> 00:00:18,400 # Today's the day of my birthday 2 00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:21,440 # Can't wait to get my present. 3 00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:23,640 # If Vic's forgot, I'll have him shot 4 00:00:23,640 --> 00:00:26,680 # By a gang of filthy Mexican peasants # 5 00:00:26,680 --> 00:00:27,880 Yes! 6 00:00:27,880 --> 00:00:29,880 There he goes, ascending the stairs - Look! - 7 00:00:29,880 --> 00:00:32,480 with some sense of urgency. Right, do you remember the plan? 8 00:00:32,480 --> 00:00:34,280 Yeah. We grab him, we cut his head off, 9 00:00:34,280 --> 00:00:36,440 put him in a bag and then shove him in the reservoir. 10 00:00:36,440 --> 00:00:38,640 No, no, we dropped that plan. 11 00:00:38,640 --> 00:00:41,480 Oh, no, I remember. We pin him down, we plant a rosebush up his arse 12 00:00:41,480 --> 00:00:43,960 and feed him phostrogen till it blooms. 13 00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:45,800 No, no, that was just me blowing off steam. 14 00:00:45,800 --> 00:00:48,440 - Think "birthday". - It's his birthday. 15 00:00:48,440 --> 00:00:51,400 - Yeah, and...? - You've organised a surprise party for him. 16 00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:53,160 Yeah, and he mustn't know about it. 17 00:00:53,160 --> 00:00:55,040 And there's a surprised woman coming. 18 00:00:55,040 --> 00:00:57,280 Well, no, there's not a "surprised" woman. 19 00:00:57,280 --> 00:01:00,480 Bob'll be surprised when he finds out who the woman is. 20 00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:01,680 Who is it? 21 00:01:01,680 --> 00:01:04,680 It's Erik's mum, Erika. She's coming over from Norway. 22 00:01:04,680 --> 00:01:06,160 Ah, does Bob still fancy her then? 23 00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:09,240 Oh, I dunno, I never really thought to ask. 24 00:01:09,240 --> 00:01:11,400 Anyway, look, here he comes descending the stairs 25 00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:15,000 with a much more relaxed look on his face. 26 00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:17,320 Pretend you've forgotten his birthday. 27 00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:21,200 Ta-da! Two, three, four! 28 00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:26,760 - What? - I'll tell you what, I'll run that tableau past you once more, OK? 29 00:01:27,760 --> 00:01:30,160 Ta-da! Two, three, four! 30 00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:32,760 - You all right? - Do you actually know what day it is today? 31 00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:37,080 - Day of the Jackal, Day the Earth Stood Still - I dunno. - Darren Day! 32 00:01:37,080 --> 00:01:39,600 No, it's my birthday... two, three four, whoa! 33 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:43,920 - Oh, yeah, no, we agreed to forget about that a minute ago. - Yeah. - What? 34 00:01:43,920 --> 00:01:45,840 Oh, well maybe it's a good thing actually, 35 00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:47,920 when I think back to what happened last year! 36 00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:57,320 # Come on, baby and one, two, three... Give blood! # 37 00:01:57,320 --> 00:01:59,600 Yeah, so if you're forgetting me birthday, 38 00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:01,800 I suppose you haven't got me a present, have you? 39 00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:05,240 Not even the tricycle that I kept dropping hints about? 40 00:02:05,240 --> 00:02:07,200 Don't laugh at my tricycle. 41 00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:10,880 Father, I have remembered it's your birthday and have a present for you. 42 00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:12,880 Ah, he's got me one. Thank you, Erik. 43 00:02:12,880 --> 00:02:14,880 No, no touching. 44 00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:16,200 Here it is. 45 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:18,320 Wow, it's massive! 46 00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:20,000 Well, go on, open it then. 47 00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:21,400 OK. I wonder what it is. 48 00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:23,760 A missile, something like that? 49 00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:25,760 It's your coffin. 50 00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:29,520 Ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ha ha... 51 00:02:29,520 --> 00:02:32,160 ..ha ha, and so on. 52 00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:34,600 Yeah, and so on. No, I like it, it's nice. 53 00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:37,080 I mean, it's the thought that counts, Erik. 54 00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:40,160 Yes, and my thought was you've been shot. 55 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,360 With the Uzi - phrrrrrrrrrrrr...phrrrrrrr... 56 00:02:42,360 --> 00:02:44,800 ..shushuk...oooooooooh - buph! 57 00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:47,240 - MIMICS: - "Oh, oh, I can't see. Oh, oh, oh, oh! 58 00:02:47,240 --> 00:02:49,920 "I didn't know it would end like this." 59 00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:56,360 No, I understand the thought that you've had there, Erik. 60 00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:58,960 Well, no, I mean, at least you got me a present. 61 00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:02,480 I thought that Vic might've woke me up this morning and given me one, you know? 62 00:03:02,480 --> 00:03:04,320 Well, that's disgusting! 63 00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:05,920 ERIK "RETCHES" DRAMATICALLY 64 00:03:05,920 --> 00:03:07,120 No, oh, Erik. 65 00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:08,640 Urrrggh! 66 00:03:09,920 --> 00:03:12,480 Right, you two. You're not going to ruin me birthday! 67 00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:14,000 It's not going to happen. 68 00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:16,480 I've baked my own cake, I've bought a present for myself 69 00:03:16,480 --> 00:03:19,280 and I'm going to open it in peace here in the kitchen. 70 00:03:19,280 --> 00:03:20,920 Go on, out you go. Go on. Go on. 71 00:03:20,920 --> 00:03:23,320 WHISTLES AND SHOOS 72 00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:31,240 Right, where did I hide that present? 73 00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:41,360 Go away, cock face! Get in your coffin and die. 74 00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:43,200 ERIK "LAUGHS" 75 00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:45,680 Erik, Erik, it's not your dad. It's me, Vic. 76 00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:47,920 - Oh, hey, Vic. - Hi. 77 00:03:47,920 --> 00:03:49,800 - You look great, man. - Thanks. 78 00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:52,560 Do you want to come in and bounce around for a bit? 79 00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:54,560 Maybe shoot the shit? 80 00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:57,440 Ooh, well, not really, no thanks, Erik, not today. 81 00:03:57,440 --> 00:03:59,640 I don't really want to shoot any shits. 82 00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:01,160 I just came to tell you 83 00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:03,720 that your mam's coming over from Norway for Bob's birthday. 84 00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:05,600 - The trawler woman? - Yeah. 85 00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:07,360 That's a terrible idea. 86 00:04:07,360 --> 00:04:08,880 She's even worse than him. 87 00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:12,080 If she asks about me, just tell her that I'm dead. 88 00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:14,920 - Oh, come on, she can't be as bad as all that. - Can't she? 89 00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:16,520 ERIK WHIMPERS 90 00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:18,120 VIC WHIMPERS 91 00:04:18,120 --> 00:04:20,040 You don't know her, do you? 92 00:04:23,040 --> 00:04:25,600 Right, where did I hide that present? 93 00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:27,800 # Come, birthday, birthday # 94 00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:29,840 There's my cake out, 95 00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:32,560 now warmer... warmer... 96 00:04:32,560 --> 00:04:35,880 - Red hot! - CRACKLING BLAZE 97 00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:39,840 I remember... 98 00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:41,160 Yes! 99 00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:47,240 Oh! Golden cymbals. 100 00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:52,080 Protect me ear. 101 00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:55,800 Birthday boy! 102 00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:00,920 CRASHING DIN 103 00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:14,680 MOURNFUL VIOLIN MUSIC 104 00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:40,160 WASTE DISPOSAL GRINDS 105 00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:42,800 - Nice coffin, that. - Yeah, he'll look nice in that, won't he? 106 00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:44,560 Is Erik Bob's only child? 107 00:05:44,560 --> 00:05:47,000 Yeah. Oh, no! There was another one, 108 00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:50,200 but he was one of them Benjamin Button types. 109 00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:51,720 He's, like, born fully grown, 110 00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:55,200 then four days later he just disappeared down the plughole. 111 00:05:55,200 --> 00:05:57,120 Some people say he's still there, 112 00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:59,040 all tangled up... 113 00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:01,320 with the hairballs and the Vosene. 114 00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:04,280 - Is this a lie? - Yeah. 115 00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:06,760 Go on, tell us about Erik's mam then. 116 00:06:06,760 --> 00:06:09,320 Well... it was in Norway. 117 00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:12,160 - It was in the '90s. - Nice and hot then. 118 00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:15,040 That was the decade - the '90s. 119 00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:21,200 It was a cold, dark winter's night. 120 00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:23,720 THUNDERCLAPS 121 00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:26,280 Bob was driving around Norway in a covered carriage 122 00:06:26,280 --> 00:06:29,560 displaying a creature that he'd captured in the Congo. 123 00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:31,680 He pulled up at the side of the road 124 00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:34,480 to let the creature out for a piss. 125 00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:37,840 He drove it out using his special whip. 126 00:06:37,840 --> 00:06:44,560 THUNDERCLAPS 127 00:06:44,560 --> 00:06:47,320 The creature came out of the covered carriage 128 00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:50,360 and was startled by the brightness of the harvest moon. 129 00:06:50,360 --> 00:06:53,120 Nyuuuurrrrhhhhh... 130 00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:56,280 ..it cried. 131 00:06:56,280 --> 00:06:58,400 And he whipped it again with his special whip. 132 00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:00,320 Shut up! 133 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,640 Shout yer mouth, will you? 134 00:07:02,640 --> 00:07:05,600 He tethered the creature to a really strong nail, 135 00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:10,520 then Bob sat down to have his evening meal of a mint Aero, 136 00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:13,160 and as the first bubble hit his palate, 137 00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:17,800 he heard the most beautiful sound he'd ever heard in his life. 138 00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:25,880 # Ohhhhhh... Ohhhhhh... Ohhhhh... 139 00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:28,040 - Yes? - Is this a lie? 140 00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:29,400 Yeah. 141 00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:33,920 He was just driving around selling air conditioning units. 142 00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:35,600 Here he comes now walking towards us 143 00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:38,480 - with a look on his face that doesn't suggest love. - Huh. 144 00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:41,680 All right? I was just telling Bosh about how you met Erik's mother. 145 00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:45,200 Erik's mum? Oh, don't mention her. Especially not on me birthday. 146 00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:46,720 She's a psychopath! 147 00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:50,560 She had this boathook that she used to attack me with. 148 00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:54,040 What are you laughing at? It ain't funny! 149 00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:56,320 - What? I don't... - It's quite funny. 150 00:07:56,320 --> 00:08:00,560 And I remember once, she made me dress up in an elephant costume, 151 00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:03,040 balance a pork pie on the end of me trunk, 152 00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:06,240 and parade around in front of all the other trawlermen in the market. 153 00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:09,880 MANLY GUFFAWING 154 00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:15,320 I sometimes think, you know, if she ever tracked me down - 155 00:08:15,320 --> 00:08:17,800 I'd just get ahead of it and just like slit me throat... 156 00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:19,560 sllllttt...sssshhhh! 157 00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:21,880 Or take out me gastric band, you know... 158 00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:23,280 oourrfff - bing! 159 00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:25,800 - Boing...boing... - Boinnnng. 160 00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:29,160 # I had a dream 161 00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:31,000 # I was a machine 162 00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:34,360 # 30 years in the future 163 00:08:34,360 --> 00:08:36,400 # I hovered a bit 164 00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:38,360 # Occasionally shit... 165 00:08:38,360 --> 00:08:41,720 # ..nuts and bolts and metal sulta... 166 00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:45,160 # ..naaaaaaas! # 167 00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:49,640 - All right, Beef? - Somebody ill? 168 00:08:49,640 --> 00:08:52,280 No, Erik got it for me. Hey, I like your watch! 169 00:08:52,280 --> 00:08:53,880 It's a spray watch. 170 00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:56,080 I got it off a gypsy lover of mine. 171 00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:57,400 - Must be special. - It is. 172 00:08:57,400 --> 00:08:59,440 If you press this button, it's weedkiller. 173 00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:01,360 That button - antihistamine. 174 00:09:01,360 --> 00:09:02,680 HE SNIFFS NOISILY 175 00:09:02,680 --> 00:09:05,800 No, sorry, THAT button antihistamine, that one weedkiller. 176 00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:09,640 - Beef... Do you know it's me birthday today? - I do. 177 00:09:09,640 --> 00:09:12,520 - I have a present for you. - Present for me! 178 00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:16,360 - Yeah, what is it? - It's an advert I made in Africa in 1972. 179 00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:18,320 Would you like to watch it? 180 00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:21,240 What, a VHS of you poncing around in Africa in 1972? 181 00:09:21,240 --> 00:09:22,640 No, I don't, actually. 182 00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:24,840 - I'll have a look. - I want to see it. - Oh, go on, then. 183 00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:26,240 Put it on. 184 00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:34,480 - Here it comes. - Right, you lot, I'm going up to have me birthday bath. 185 00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:36,040 Keep it quiet, yeah? 186 00:09:36,040 --> 00:09:38,200 - When did you film this? - '72. 187 00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:40,400 I say, I'm going upstairs to have me birthday bath. 188 00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:42,080 Keep it nice and quiet, yeah? 189 00:09:42,080 --> 00:09:44,000 There it is, look... 190 00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:48,240 CHEESY MUSIC 191 00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:52,000 What the hell is that washing-up liquid you're using, darling? 192 00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:55,760 - Just a cheap one I got on special offer. - You idiot! 193 00:09:55,760 --> 00:09:58,520 That won't shift that ground-in mutton. 194 00:09:58,520 --> 00:10:00,360 Use this, you stupid cow. 195 00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:08,800 Lord Shiftits scouring pad gets to the heart of the mutton. 196 00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:14,000 - I know, darling. I'm intolerable. - Yes, you are. Don't be a moron! 197 00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:19,240 Use Lord Shiftits scouring pads. 198 00:10:19,240 --> 00:10:20,320 It gets... 199 00:10:23,560 --> 00:10:24,840 That was brilliant. 200 00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:27,640 - How much did you get paid for doing that? - Not a penny. 201 00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:32,120 - I was paid in lambada lessons. Ooh! And mescaline. - Oh, nice. 202 00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:33,720 The party starts in half an hour. 203 00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:36,320 You go off and get your clobber on, and don't forget the booze. 204 00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:38,040 Yeah, but what about the food? 205 00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:40,800 - There's a pig upstairs in the bathroom. - Is there? - Yeah. 206 00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:43,800 But promise me this. When you're done with it, can I ride it? 207 00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:47,360 Yeah, I'll have it all saddled up and ready for you when you come back. 208 00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:50,680 - Oh, God! - Excuse me, what is that in the bath? 209 00:10:50,680 --> 00:10:53,360 - Right, I'm off. - It's a pig. 210 00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:56,600 - Yes, but what's it doing in me bath? - How should I know what it's doing? 211 00:10:56,600 --> 00:11:00,680 - I'm not psychic. - Oh! It's my pig. What about it, you twat? 212 00:11:02,040 --> 00:11:05,960 - No, no, it's - all right. Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob. Forget about the pig. 213 00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:07,680 Forget about it. All right. 214 00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:10,280 I'll make sure you get the best birthday bath 215 00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:13,080 a man could ever wish for. 216 00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:15,480 LAUGHTER 217 00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:22,360 - So how's it going then, son? - It's great. 218 00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:25,360 - It might be me best birthday bath ever. Thank you. - Thank you, yeah. 219 00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:28,880 - Is the water all right, warm enough? - Yeah, I reckon. Try yourself. 220 00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:31,000 HE LAUGHS 221 00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:34,160 - A-diddle-iddle-iddle. - Ooh, cheeky! 222 00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:37,120 Hey, how about some nice aromatherapy oil? 223 00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:38,960 - Oh, yeah, go on. - Yeah? 224 00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:42,800 - For me birthday? - Here we are, look. Yeah, look here. 225 00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:45,960 Mmm, that's nice, isn't it? Ooh. 226 00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:47,840 Oh, you can tell it's expensive stuff, Vic. 227 00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:50,160 - Yeah, I got it in the Town Centre. - Ooh, Town Centre? 228 00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:51,520 It will have cost a fortune. 229 00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:54,320 Yeah, not like that cheap stuff you get on the outskirts. 230 00:11:54,320 --> 00:11:59,120 - No, this feels good. - And some aromatic bay leaves, eh? 231 00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:02,120 Ooh, put 'em in. I hope they don't make me too sentimental. 232 00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:05,240 - A-diddle-iddle-iddle. - Hey! You are cheeky today! 233 00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:08,040 I'm really enjoying it. 234 00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:11,400 Oh, that'll be Julie. Look, you enjoy your lovely birthday soak. 235 00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:15,800 - Thanks, Vic, thank you. - Go on, birthday boy. Here have an apple. 236 00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:19,840 Cheers. Looking after me. Mmm. 237 00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:22,760 - Hello. - Hello, Julie. 238 00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:25,880 Oh, I see you've got a pig in the pot. How delish! 239 00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:29,480 - Yes, now, Julie, what can I do for you? - Well now, Vic. 240 00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:32,400 I don't know whether this is a very good time, but you see, 241 00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:35,240 - I've got something to tell you. - Mmm? 242 00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:41,360 - I'm pregnant. - Ooh. - And it's yours. - No, I don't think so. - Yes. 243 00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:46,120 - No, no. - Yes. - No, no, no, no, no. - Yes. - No, it isn't. It isn't. It can't be. 244 00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:49,080 Silly Billy Bremner, of course I'm not pregnant. Look! 245 00:12:49,080 --> 00:12:51,760 HE FORCES LAUGHTER 246 00:12:53,360 --> 00:12:56,000 No, I'm not ready for that sort of commitment. 247 00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:57,600 - I don't want him. - Ooh! 248 00:12:57,600 --> 00:13:00,360 Be careful, hold him properly! You'll break his bloody neck! 249 00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:05,160 - This is Erika, Bob's ex. - Where is he? 250 00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:08,880 Look. Julie, we've got a bit of a problem. 251 00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:11,520 - I'll explain everything round at your house. - Right, good. 252 00:13:11,520 --> 00:13:16,480 - Come on, Erika, we're going to get some booze for baby. - Peace at last. 253 00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:23,040 - Ah, it's good. Ah, yes. - Right, where is he? 254 00:13:23,040 --> 00:13:26,360 Right, well, first of all, hello, Erika. Lovely to meet you. 255 00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:28,120 Bob's told me all about, you know, 256 00:13:28,120 --> 00:13:30,200 how you used to be the love of his life. 257 00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:31,880 Where is he? 258 00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:34,600 And how he liked to dress up like an elephant 259 00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:36,920 and parade around in front of you. 260 00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:38,440 Oh, this is getting hot. 261 00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:49,280 Vic! Vic, I can't turn it off! Vic! Erik! Erik! 262 00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:55,240 Vic! Vic! I'm swelling up here! Vic! Vic! 263 00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:58,480 Look now, Erika, I know you've come a long way from Norway, 264 00:13:58,480 --> 00:14:00,720 but there's been a bit of a change of plan. 265 00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:03,640 - Oh, a change of plan, what fun. - Hmm. Something's happened. 266 00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:06,040 - Something's definitely happened. - Well, spit it out. 267 00:14:06,040 --> 00:14:07,360 It's not as if he's dead, is it? 268 00:14:08,520 --> 00:14:12,160 Yes, that's it...he's dead, Bob's dead! 269 00:14:13,280 --> 00:14:17,600 Dead?! How dare he? I'll kill him. That was my job. 270 00:14:17,600 --> 00:14:22,320 He's dead, dead, dead. He's dead. 271 00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:26,080 - Oh! - LAUGHTER 272 00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:30,400 How did he die...so young-ish? 273 00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:37,040 Oh, God! Oh, God, he's dead! 274 00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:40,160 I can't believe...excuse me a minute. 275 00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:42,640 HE TRUMPS 276 00:14:44,320 --> 00:14:46,480 Dead! Dead! Dead! 277 00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:48,280 It was awful. 278 00:14:48,280 --> 00:14:50,080 It was terrible. 279 00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:51,600 - Vic? Vic? - Yes? 280 00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:54,640 - Vic, you need to pull yourself together. - I can't. 281 00:14:56,560 --> 00:14:58,640 Come on there, that's better, isn't it? 282 00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:00,600 - That's woken you up. - Thank you, Julie. 283 00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:02,480 OK, that's all right. Now calm down. 284 00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:04,320 Look, Julie, listen. 285 00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:06,800 Bob's not really dead. Look, we're just pretending. 286 00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:08,880 WHISPERS 287 00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:12,640 Ooh! Oh, that's very clever. 288 00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:16,000 It's gripped me. I'm poaching. Vic, oh! 289 00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:21,400 - So, you say he's dead? - Yes. 290 00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:26,160 This all seems very, very convenient, 291 00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:30,760 so, tell me, how did he die exactly? 292 00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:33,640 - It was a Saturday... - Mmm-hmm? 293 00:15:33,640 --> 00:15:36,520 ..it was all The Saturdays. It was all of 'em, the bitches. 294 00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:40,480 GUN SHOTS 295 00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:49,440 EXPLOSIONS 296 00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:58,120 I would very much like to see his cadaver 297 00:15:58,120 --> 00:16:00,760 and put my pfan-nig on his eye. 298 00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:03,880 - I beg your pardon? You want to put what on his eye? - Pfennig. 299 00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:07,080 It's a German coin to give safe passage to the afterlife. 300 00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:08,160 Where does he lay? 301 00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:12,160 He's next door...in his coffin. 302 00:16:12,160 --> 00:16:16,480 In his coffin, and he'll be ready for viewing in about ten minutes. 303 00:16:16,480 --> 00:16:18,040 Ah-ha, yeah. 304 00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:24,360 So you poor woman, you must be very, very, very, very, very, very 305 00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:26,600 upset about Bob's death? 306 00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:27,920 Very! 307 00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:30,040 - I wanted to do it myself. - Aaah! 308 00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:38,120 Ooh, there's a metal turtle in the kitchen, Bob! 309 00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:40,440 - Where's the turtle spray? - It's me, you moron. 310 00:16:40,440 --> 00:16:43,520 I've swollen up and got trapped in the vice-like grip of this tub. 311 00:16:43,520 --> 00:16:44,640 Right, hang on. 312 00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:48,040 Ah, shit, a metal turtle! 313 00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:50,840 - Hold on, I'll get the spray. - Bosh, it's all right, it's Bob. 314 00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:54,480 He's swollen up and bloated and trapped inside this galvanised tub. 315 00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:58,680 Can you do something please? I've got a bay leaf stuck in me crack. 316 00:16:58,680 --> 00:17:00,360 There's a bailiff in his arse? 317 00:17:00,360 --> 00:17:03,000 You need to lift me up and shake me out. Come on. 318 00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:06,040 We need to lift him up and shake him out. Quick, all of us. 319 00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:07,680 Lift him up and shake him out. 320 00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:12,000 BANGING 321 00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:13,480 Arh! 322 00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:14,920 We need a run-up, come on. 323 00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:17,960 Come on. 324 00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:20,680 Arrgh! 325 00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:21,720 Ooh! 326 00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:31,520 BOTH: Scuttle, scuttle, scamper, scamper, up the wall he goes. 327 00:17:31,520 --> 00:17:34,280 Over the arch, where will he rest? Nobody really knows. 328 00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:39,280 Quick, get the thunder bottle, he's starting to metamorphosise. 329 00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:40,440 CHOKING NOISES 330 00:17:40,440 --> 00:17:42,360 - GUN SHOT - Ah! Hey! 331 00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:45,960 Yay! 332 00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:49,320 Terraced housing! Thank you, lads. 333 00:17:49,320 --> 00:17:52,200 No problem at all, you twat. 334 00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:56,320 - I nearly metamorphosised then. - Yeah, I know. It was really good. 335 00:17:56,320 --> 00:17:58,240 Thanks, though. 336 00:17:58,240 --> 00:18:01,080 - Bob, I've done something terrible. - Really? 337 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:03,840 I've invited Erik's mum over and she's here. 338 00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:08,400 You've done what? She'll kill me, Vic, you undiluted arsehole! 339 00:18:08,400 --> 00:18:10,320 Oh, come on, I'm not an arsehole. 340 00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:12,560 I mean, would an arsehole be able to do this? 341 00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:18,840 I guess not. 342 00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:20,800 But it's all right, I told her you were dead. 343 00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:22,520 Yeah, well I will be if she sees me. 344 00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:24,920 She hasn't got that boathook with her, has she? 345 00:18:26,040 --> 00:18:27,320 - Yeah. - Yeah. 346 00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:29,240 Well look, Bob. We can pull this off. 347 00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:31,880 You get into that coffin that Erik gave you, pretend to be dead. 348 00:18:31,880 --> 00:18:33,600 When she comes round and has a look, 349 00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:35,280 she'll think you're dead and clear off 350 00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:36,640 and be out of your life forever, 351 00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:38,480 it's the best scenario that could happen. 352 00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:41,560 - Do you know, I like it. Let's do it. - Yeah! 353 00:18:41,560 --> 00:18:43,360 Right, away, son, into the coffin, 354 00:18:43,360 --> 00:18:45,360 there you go, you've done this before. 355 00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:48,200 Right, now then, I've gotta warn you, when she comes round, 356 00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:50,040 she wants to put her pfan-nig on your eye. 357 00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:51,880 - She wants to put what on me eye? - Pfennig. 358 00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:54,520 - It's a German coin for good luck or something. - Oh, right. 359 00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:56,960 - Right, what's going on? - Bob's dead. 360 00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:58,920 OK. Do you want a cup of tea? 361 00:19:00,120 --> 00:19:02,720 No, hold on, if Bob's dead, can I have his room? 362 00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:05,200 - No, you can't, Bosh. - Ow! 363 00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:08,040 Behave yourself, will you? I'm just pretending to be dead. 364 00:19:08,040 --> 00:19:09,440 LAUGHTER 365 00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:12,800 I'm just pretending to be dead, yeah? 366 00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:14,240 Erik's mum's coming round, 367 00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:18,120 and if she finds me here alive she'll kill me anyway. Now behave! 368 00:19:18,120 --> 00:19:20,160 Look, here they are now. 369 00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:21,200 CLEARS HIS THROAT 370 00:19:22,360 --> 00:19:28,600 Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, thank you and good night. 371 00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:32,800 Oh, hello. 372 00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:36,040 Bosh, this is Erik's mam, Erika. 373 00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:37,720 Good day, you twat. 374 00:19:37,720 --> 00:19:39,040 LAUGHTER 375 00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:41,960 So, ladies, if you'd like to gather around, here's the lad, 376 00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:44,560 and as you can see, he's as dead as a doughnut. 377 00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:46,080 She's killed him. 378 00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:48,960 SPITS 379 00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:56,840 Oh, sweetheart...my old shipmate. 380 00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:02,320 You poor, poor, poor man. What a shame. 381 00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:06,280 You poor, poor, poor, POOR, POOR man. 382 00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:08,760 Goodbye and good riddance. 383 00:20:08,760 --> 00:20:13,200 Hm-mm, well, thank you, Erika for those kind words. 384 00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:16,480 Now I think it's probably appropriate for us to tell 385 00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:19,600 and share some our favourite memories of Bob. Bosh? 386 00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:22,320 No, there's nothing. 387 00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:25,680 There must be something... something he said or did. 388 00:20:25,680 --> 00:20:27,600 No, there's nothing like that at all. 389 00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:29,120 Julie? 390 00:20:29,120 --> 00:20:30,680 Erm... 391 00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:33,320 No. 392 00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:35,000 - Nothing? - No, nothing. 393 00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:36,840 What about you, Vic? 394 00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:39,640 Well, I do remember him once saying he wanted to do a forward roll 395 00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:41,120 but he never got around to it... 396 00:20:41,120 --> 00:20:42,840 Oh, I've remembered something. 397 00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:45,960 I remember this morning he said he was going to have a bath. 398 00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:50,120 Typical Bob. Typical Bob, always saying he's going to have a bath. 399 00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:52,080 - It's just like Bob. - Lovely memories. 400 00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:54,760 Right, well, Erika, I expect you've got a submarine to catch, 401 00:20:54,760 --> 00:20:56,800 so you'd better get ahead of the traffic. 402 00:20:56,800 --> 00:21:00,000 - Goodbye, off you go. Come on. - Here's the booze. 403 00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:02,000 What's this nonsense? 404 00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:03,880 Bob's dead. 405 00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:07,920 What, of a...s-stroke? 406 00:21:07,920 --> 00:21:09,440 LAUGHTER 407 00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:15,080 No! Dead? But he was only having a bath this... 408 00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:17,440 what am I going to do without him? 409 00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:21,920 Bob! My life's not worth living. Who the hell are you? You're beautiful. 410 00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:25,840 The most beautiful woman I've seen outside of Africa. 411 00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:27,800 LAUGHTER 412 00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:30,480 - You want to make love and drink some booze? - No, Beef. 413 00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:34,840 - Erika's got a submarine to catch. - I'm not in a rush. 414 00:21:34,840 --> 00:21:38,160 Let's have a proper trawlerman's sendoff. Give me that bottle. 415 00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:41,000 Ooh, yes! 416 00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:43,120 Erika, you don't want to miss the tide. 417 00:21:44,600 --> 00:21:48,960 Father...I'm sorry I always treated you so badly. 418 00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:51,960 It was just my way of showing how much I loved you. 419 00:21:56,680 --> 00:22:02,280 He's gone, he's gone. I will learn how to face it. He's gone. 420 00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:04,720 I'd pay the devil to replace him. 421 00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:06,400 He's gone. 422 00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:07,800 What went wrong? 423 00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:14,640 Bye-bye, father. I'm going to miss you. 424 00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:16,040 SOBS 425 00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:21,960 Urgh! 426 00:22:23,320 --> 00:22:25,920 # 15 Nails in a dead man's chest. 427 00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:28,600 # Yo-ho, the bastard's dead. 428 00:22:28,600 --> 00:22:31,440 # And push him overboard and feed him to the fish. 429 00:22:31,440 --> 00:22:33,960 # Yo-ho, the bastard's dead. # 430 00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:35,120 Hooray! 431 00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:38,080 Just get rid of her. 432 00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:41,320 Bob, Bob, oh, it's a brilliant party in there. She's hilarious. 433 00:22:41,320 --> 00:22:44,320 Look, look, I've brought you a bit of the icing from your birthday cake. 434 00:22:44,320 --> 00:22:47,080 It's a B. Might be for Bob or birthday, I don't know. 435 00:22:47,080 --> 00:22:49,200 Yeah, or "bastard" like in your little song. 436 00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:51,600 - Yeah, it might be. - Get rid of her. 437 00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:54,120 Oh, do you know what? It's a bit boring out here. 438 00:22:54,120 --> 00:22:56,520 I've gotta get back to the party if you don't mind. 439 00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:58,520 - I don't want to miss anything. - Just get rid. 440 00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:01,000 # Did you hear the tale of the terrible man? 441 00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:03,480 # The terrible, terrible, terrible man. 442 00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:06,360 # He wiped his arse with a frying pan. 443 00:23:06,360 --> 00:23:08,280 # Terrible, terrible, terrible man. # 444 00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:09,680 Yes! Yes! 445 00:23:10,920 --> 00:23:13,360 Hey Erika, Erika, tell us another one of your filthy jokes 446 00:23:13,360 --> 00:23:15,320 about the Norwegian police force. 447 00:23:15,320 --> 00:23:16,760 Ah well, in a minute. 448 00:23:16,760 --> 00:23:18,160 Yay, ooh! 449 00:23:18,160 --> 00:23:20,480 - Just going for a wee. - Now I'm interested. 450 00:23:23,400 --> 00:23:25,920 I know you're alive... 451 00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:29,680 ..and I'll be back in a minute...to finish you off. 452 00:23:29,680 --> 00:23:32,160 Ha, ha, ha. 453 00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:37,480 Aah! Whoa! 454 00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:47,080 What's the f's happened here, like? 455 00:23:47,080 --> 00:23:48,840 She's fallen down the f-ing stairs. 456 00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:52,680 - Did you push her? - No, she fell down the f-ing stairs. 457 00:23:52,680 --> 00:23:54,800 Did you shoot her? 458 00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:57,240 Look Vic, I don't care how far you lean over, 459 00:23:57,240 --> 00:23:59,080 she fell down the f-ing stairs. 460 00:23:59,080 --> 00:24:01,000 What the hell's happened here? 461 00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:02,760 She fell down the f-ing stairs. 462 00:24:02,760 --> 00:24:05,360 - Whoa, vampire, zombie. - Oof! 463 00:24:05,360 --> 00:24:07,520 Will you calm down? 464 00:24:07,520 --> 00:24:10,880 I was just pretending to be dead so that she wouldn't kill me. 465 00:24:10,880 --> 00:24:13,120 Did you bludgeon her? Mmm? 466 00:24:13,120 --> 00:24:17,720 - No, she fell down the f-ing stairs. - Mmm? 467 00:24:17,720 --> 00:24:19,880 Now look, I don't care how far you all lean over, 468 00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:21,120 I'm telling you the truth. 469 00:24:21,120 --> 00:24:23,720 All right, stand aside, I'm a paraplegic... 470 00:24:23,720 --> 00:24:25,840 LAUGHTER 471 00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:27,280 ..I'll check for a pulse. 472 00:24:30,040 --> 00:24:33,720 Beef, mate, I'm not sure that's the traditional way of checking for a pulse. 473 00:24:33,720 --> 00:24:35,880 You might want to try the neck, mate? 474 00:24:35,880 --> 00:24:38,920 All right. Stand aside. 475 00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:41,200 Back you go. Further still. 476 00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:42,920 That's sufficient. 477 00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:46,000 I shall administer the kiss of life. 478 00:24:47,560 --> 00:24:49,360 Mmm... 479 00:24:50,720 --> 00:24:53,120 Mmmm. 480 00:24:53,120 --> 00:24:56,600 Mmm, Christ. Yes, please, mmm. 481 00:24:57,680 --> 00:24:59,520 Mmm, just what I want. 482 00:25:01,360 --> 00:25:05,520 Mmm, mmm, oh, God, mmm, mmm, mmm. 483 00:25:06,760 --> 00:25:08,160 She'd dead. 484 00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:09,400 LAUGHTER 485 00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:11,120 How do reckon we should get rid of her? 486 00:25:11,120 --> 00:25:13,520 Let's chop her up and stick her behind a sports centre. 487 00:25:13,520 --> 00:25:15,720 - Why don't we dry her out and smoke her? - Yes. 488 00:25:15,720 --> 00:25:18,720 I can take her back to my place. She's still warm. 489 00:25:18,720 --> 00:25:20,640 LAUGHTER 490 00:25:22,520 --> 00:25:24,040 Martin? What do you think? 491 00:25:25,520 --> 00:25:28,840 "Phone the relevant authorities and tell them everything?" 492 00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:31,520 Oh, where's the fun in that, Martin, you coconut? 493 00:25:31,520 --> 00:25:33,520 Look...seriously. 494 00:25:33,520 --> 00:25:34,640 She's a trawler woman, 495 00:25:34,640 --> 00:25:37,080 we should give her the sendoff that she deserves. 496 00:25:39,720 --> 00:25:42,320 KETTLE'S WHISTLE SOUNDS LIKE A BOSUN'S WHISTLE 497 00:25:45,280 --> 00:25:49,120 Thank you, Bosh. Right, so that was me birthday then, yeah? 498 00:25:49,120 --> 00:25:52,560 No presents, apart from the coffin that Erik got me. 499 00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:56,640 No party, apart from the one you lot had when I was dead. 500 00:25:56,640 --> 00:25:59,160 And I bet one of you had a cack in the microwave, didn't you, 501 00:25:59,160 --> 00:26:00,680 whilst you did it? 502 00:26:00,680 --> 00:26:01,960 Yeah, thought so. 503 00:26:03,160 --> 00:26:06,760 Yeah, go on, get out I'm going to enjoy what's left of me birthday on me own. Get out. 504 00:26:06,760 --> 00:26:07,960 THEY MUMBLE AND GRUMBLE 505 00:26:10,360 --> 00:26:12,120 - Go on, Bosh. - Yeah, all right. 506 00:26:12,120 --> 00:26:14,880 I'm going to enjoy what's left of me birthday 507 00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:17,760 watching Hugh Laurie play the character, House. 508 00:26:17,760 --> 00:26:19,360 LAUGHTER 509 00:26:23,920 --> 00:26:24,960 Hi, Hugh. 510 00:26:26,240 --> 00:26:29,360 Hugh, I bet you get brilliant birthdays, don't you? 511 00:26:29,360 --> 00:26:33,040 Yeah, I bet your mates dress in Caribbean outfits 512 00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:36,080 and reggae music, table tennis. 513 00:26:36,080 --> 00:26:39,000 Probably get a tricycle as well I imagine, eh Hugh? Probably. 514 00:26:40,720 --> 00:26:42,960 # Did you hear the tale of a terrible man? 515 00:26:42,960 --> 00:26:44,840 # Terrible, terrible, terrible man 516 00:26:44,840 --> 00:26:46,520 # Wiped his arse on a frying pan # 517 00:26:46,520 --> 00:26:48,600 Oh, I've had enough of this! 518 00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:50,800 # Terrible, terrible, terrible man # 519 00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:52,400 # Terrible, terrible, terrible...# 520 00:26:52,400 --> 00:26:54,520 Right, you pack of bast...! 521 00:26:55,680 --> 00:26:57,760 Vic? Julie? 522 00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:00,560 ALL: SURPRISE! 523 00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:03,160 Way! Whoo! You twat! 524 00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:05,960 A tricycle! Yes! But where's Vic? 525 00:27:08,520 --> 00:27:11,480 It's my favourite character, Reggae Ron, the school worker. 526 00:27:11,480 --> 00:27:13,280 SINGS REGGAE SONG 527 00:27:23,360 --> 00:27:27,560 This has been my best birthday ever! 528 00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:33,200 # Didn't we have a lovely day 529 00:27:33,200 --> 00:27:34,960 # A death, a birth and a burial 530 00:27:34,960 --> 00:27:36,360 # So what happens next? 531 00:27:36,360 --> 00:27:37,920 # Let's do a jig 532 00:27:37,920 --> 00:27:40,360 # And present and Bob with his birthday wig. # 533 00:27:40,360 --> 00:27:42,320 - What do you think? - Not bad. 534 00:27:42,320 --> 00:27:44,960 - Racist. - Futuristic. 535 00:27:44,960 --> 00:27:47,120 SINGING 536 00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:51,040 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE