1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:09,040 This programme contains some strong language. 2 00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:21,440 # Today's the day that I locate the ghost that's haunting this flat 3 00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:23,680 # It won't take long with me extendable prong 4 00:00:23,680 --> 00:00:26,880 # As I poke it into nooks and crannies 5 00:00:28,280 --> 00:00:29,680 # Will you look at that tit 6 00:00:29,680 --> 00:00:30,920 # He thinks he's it 7 00:00:30,920 --> 00:00:33,360 # With his probe he bought from the pound store 8 00:00:33,360 --> 00:00:35,880 # It's just a can of Tile Well 9 00:00:35,880 --> 00:00:38,760 # With a fish slice for an aerial. # 10 00:00:40,520 --> 00:00:42,680 So, Vic, there's your le... WHOOPEE CUSHION PARPS 11 00:00:42,680 --> 00:00:45,520 - Ooh! - Ooh, excuse me. - There's your leg o' lamb. 12 00:00:45,520 --> 00:00:48,600 Thank you, well I'll have to eat it quick because the lads will be round 13 00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:51,840 - very shortly for the ghost hunt. - Oh the ghost hunt, that's today, is it? 14 00:00:51,840 --> 00:00:54,720 - Yes. - Yeah? What makes you think there's a ghost in this flat, Vic? 15 00:00:54,720 --> 00:00:57,080 Well, one, ectoplasm in the toilet. 16 00:00:57,080 --> 00:01:01,440 Yeah, no, that's just your night toffee, Vic, innit? 17 00:01:01,440 --> 00:01:05,080 Two, ghostly moanings in the middle of the night. 18 00:01:05,080 --> 00:01:06,760 Ooh, what do they sound like? 19 00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:07,800 Just like a... 20 00:01:07,800 --> 00:01:09,720 Oo-hoo! Whoooooo! 21 00:01:09,720 --> 00:01:12,320 - BOSH COUGHS - Whoooooo! 22 00:01:12,320 --> 00:01:15,480 - All right, Bosh, you leaving today? - What do you think? - No? 23 00:01:15,480 --> 00:01:16,840 Correct, you twat. 24 00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:20,920 - Have a word. - And three, Bob, and you can't deny this. 25 00:01:20,920 --> 00:01:25,000 - Go on, then. - This flat is built above an ancient Indian burial ground. 26 00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:27,400 No, no, no, Vic, 27 00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:32,080 it's above an Asian-Indian balti house. 28 00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:35,560 Very different. Very different concepts altogether. 29 00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:36,920 Well, there is a ghost down here 30 00:01:36,920 --> 00:01:38,680 and tonight I'm going to prove it anyway. 31 00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:40,600 All right, then, what do you think of me dish? 32 00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:42,120 It's very nice, talk me through it. 33 00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:46,400 Well, as I say, it's a leg o' lamb, it's not a lamb made of Lego. 34 00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:49,720 No, the dish is... 35 00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:52,600 The dish is formally known as lamb tuxedo, 36 00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:55,440 as you can see by the bow tie there, yeah? 37 00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:57,160 Yeah, what about the scissors? 38 00:01:57,160 --> 00:02:00,760 Oh, the scissors, that's just an English twist on the chopstick. 39 00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:02,840 - Yeah. - Thought you'd like that. 40 00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:04,760 It's nice, yeah. Where'd you get the idea? 41 00:02:04,760 --> 00:02:07,800 The idea? I got it from an episode of Come Dine With Me. 42 00:02:07,800 --> 00:02:08,960 From Preston? 43 00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:10,960 Well, they're all from Preston, aren't they? 44 00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:13,360 Well, they seem to be, yeah. I think I saw this one. 45 00:02:13,360 --> 00:02:16,560 Is this the one where there was like a middle-aged pole-dancing woman 46 00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:18,680 whose boobs were spilling out all over the table? 47 00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:20,240 All over the table, yeah. 48 00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:25,280 And she offered the other guests a mouth organ wrapped in bacon. 49 00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:31,640 I mean, what sort of idiot would present a mouth organ as food 50 00:02:31,640 --> 00:02:33,920 unless they're a complete moron? 51 00:02:33,920 --> 00:02:35,480 HE COUGHS AND PLAYS THE MOUTH ORGAN 52 00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:37,040 You all right, what's the matter? 53 00:02:37,040 --> 00:02:38,440 Get it out! 54 00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:40,680 You got a mouth organ in your mouth? 55 00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:43,520 MOUTH ORGAN SOUNDS 56 00:02:43,520 --> 00:02:45,160 Well, take it out. 57 00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:47,400 MOUTH ORGAN SOUNDS: Can't, it's stuck. 58 00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:49,200 I know. 59 00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:53,800 I'll use the miracle of suction, that usually works with most things. 60 00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:56,920 THEY LISTEN TO A JOLLY TUNE 61 00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:18,480 So, Vic, can you fill me in on this ghost scenario, what it's all about? 62 00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:20,560 Yes, of course, well, I read about it 63 00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:22,960 in my copy of Ghost Hunter Monthly. 64 00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:25,280 Oh, wow. How often do you get that magazine? 65 00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:30,560 - It's monthly. - Oh, yes, it says monthly, yeah. 66 00:03:30,560 --> 00:03:32,960 Anyway, so... Oh, look, here's the advert here. 67 00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:36,520 It says, this month's competition, blah blah blah, 68 00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:40,040 fantastic prizes, your chance to win, blah blah blah blah, erm... 69 00:03:40,040 --> 00:03:42,400 - blah blah blah. - HONKS HORN 70 00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:46,240 All entrants must provide a genuine photograph of a real living ghost 71 00:03:46,240 --> 00:03:47,800 - blah blah blah... - HONKS HORN 72 00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:50,240 Blah blah blah blah, 73 00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:52,000 and the competition closes 74 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:53,840 - tomorrow morning. - Vic, give me the horn. 75 00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:56,000 - Blah Blah blah blah blah. - Vic, give me the horn. 76 00:03:56,000 --> 00:04:00,200 - I'm not giving you the horn. - You are giving me the horn. 77 00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:03,840 Eurgh! Eurgh! Eurgh! 78 00:04:03,840 --> 00:04:06,520 - All right, Erik. - All right. - Well, hey, Vic. 79 00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:10,080 - Yeah. - I love the cool honking, can I borrow the hooter? 80 00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:11,800 Yeah, go ahead. 81 00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:13,680 - HONKS HORN - That's good stuff. 82 00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:15,360 Ah! 83 00:04:15,360 --> 00:04:16,920 And can I bring it to my room maybe? 84 00:04:16,920 --> 00:04:19,160 Yeah, go on take it, you can borrow it, yeah. 85 00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:21,520 Hey, Erik, would you like me to do some cool honking? 86 00:04:21,520 --> 00:04:22,960 I'm pretty good at it. 87 00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:26,800 - MOCKING: - "Oh, Erik, would you like me to do some cool honking? 88 00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:28,200 "I'm pretty good at it!" 89 00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:29,920 He's got you down there, hasn't he? 90 00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:33,080 I don't speak like that, do I? 91 00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:35,160 "Oh, I don't speak like that, do I? 92 00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:37,600 "Oh, this is how I talk, is it not?" 93 00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:40,240 - That's you. - Is it? 94 00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:42,120 It is you! 95 00:04:42,120 --> 00:04:44,000 - Oh, about the ghost hunt, though... - Yeah. 96 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:46,360 Are there any prizes? You said something about prizes. 97 00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:47,760 Oh, yeah, the prizes... 98 00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:52,440 Third prize is, erm... Well, look, a day out with Andy Barker. 99 00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:54,240 Who's Andy Barker? 100 00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:56,120 I dunno, maybe Sue Barker's husband? 101 00:04:56,120 --> 00:04:59,600 - Yeah, or maybe Roy Barker's son? - Who's Roy Barker? 102 00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:02,160 I dunno, I thought he might be Sue Barker's husband. 103 00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:05,960 Second prize, ooh, you'll like this, this is right up your street. 104 00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:08,360 - Go on, hit me. Go on. - Look, a job in a loudspeaker shop. 105 00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:11,120 - Ohh! Cor, I would like that. - I know you would. 106 00:05:11,120 --> 00:05:12,520 Can you not tick that box? 107 00:05:12,520 --> 00:05:15,080 - No, because the first prize is what I want. - What? 108 00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:16,400 A chimp. 109 00:05:17,480 --> 00:05:21,800 - A chimp? - A chimp at my beck and call. Get in! 110 00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:31,880 Vic, you're not having a chimp in this house, 111 00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:33,840 it's full of morons already. 112 00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:38,800 # I'm an exorcist with my crucifix 113 00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:42,920 # And my rosary made of mung beans 114 00:05:42,920 --> 00:05:44,960 # With my metal detector 115 00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:46,800 # I'll find the spectre 116 00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:48,680 # Cos mostly ghosts 117 00:05:48,680 --> 00:05:56,080 # Wear iron waistco-o-o-o-o-oats. # 118 00:05:56,080 --> 00:05:58,880 All right there, Beef, I like your hat. 119 00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:02,720 Yes, it's made from the melted windscreens of 17 Range Rovers. 120 00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:06,080 Let's catch a ghost and win ourselves a chimp. 121 00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:11,000 Ghosts, pitiful wraiths trapped in suspense 122 00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:14,000 amongst hoards of half-dead jezebels, 123 00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:17,000 clutching newspapers with wooden tits 124 00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:19,960 and cigarettes in the other hand. 125 00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:22,640 I've no idea what I'm talking about. 126 00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:25,400 - You lost your track, yeah? - I did, I'm afraid, yes. 127 00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:27,280 Well, Beef, what's that in your belt there? 128 00:06:27,280 --> 00:06:30,960 This is my Sword of Draxos, would you like to see it in action? 129 00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:32,200 I'd love to, yeah. 130 00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:37,240 It's not, it's a clarinet. 131 00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:47,360 CLARINET MUSIC PLAYS 132 00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:53,880 So how exactly do you two intend to catch this ghost? 133 00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:57,480 Well, I was rather thinking we might use Vic's rather splendid 134 00:06:57,480 --> 00:06:59,720 quantum transducer detector. 135 00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:02,000 - Do you want to have a look at it? Shall I show you? - Yeah. 136 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:03,720 I've been looking forward to it all day. 137 00:07:03,720 --> 00:07:05,600 Great, yeah, course I can. 138 00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:09,080 Right, well, so when a ghost is in the area, 139 00:07:09,080 --> 00:07:14,160 this lights up here and what's this canister here, I hear you ask. 140 00:07:14,160 --> 00:07:16,320 Oh, what's that canister there, I ask? 141 00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:20,880 Right, good, well this canister here contains, erm... 142 00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:24,320 - Something funny, is it? - No. - No, not at all, no, I'm... 143 00:07:24,320 --> 00:07:26,160 It's a really impressive. 144 00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:32,720 Well, this canister here contains a mixture of talcum pooder 145 00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:35,800 - and plasma. - Sorry, what was that? Tang vorder? 146 00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:38,160 It was just talcum powder, but I bought it in Dundee, 147 00:07:38,160 --> 00:07:40,520 so I call it talcum pooder. 148 00:07:40,520 --> 00:07:44,160 Anyway, so it's filled with talcum pooder and plasma... 149 00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:46,120 What's with the snakes there? 150 00:07:47,120 --> 00:07:48,760 Well, it's the armbands. 151 00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:51,720 Look, is there something funny about this? 152 00:07:51,720 --> 00:07:53,640 No, I-I, think it's a great... 153 00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:55,680 Cos if there is, you two can more or less F off. 154 00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:58,320 - Ooh! - No, carry on, Vic, it's fascinating. - Yeah? 155 00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:00,720 - It's quite a bit of kit that, innit? - Yeah. 156 00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:05,240 Right, so anyway, when a ghost ends up in a nook or a cranny, 157 00:08:05,240 --> 00:08:09,120 I puff a bit of that into it, the ghost breathes it in... 158 00:08:09,120 --> 00:08:10,240 HE COUGHS 159 00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:14,040 ..comes out for a breath of fresh air, and I take a photograph of it. 160 00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:15,480 Then... 161 00:08:18,120 --> 00:08:23,360 Then, using this thing here, I waft it to the custard tin. 162 00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:25,920 - Why a custard tin? - That's a very good question. 163 00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:28,800 - Yeah, will you be answering it? - No. 164 00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:32,600 I waft it into the custard tin, then I take it over to the sink, 165 00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:34,760 turn the tap on, tip it down the plug, 166 00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:37,200 put the plug in, and there we are, 167 00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:41,280 hey, presto, the problem's out of my hands, over to you Mr Dyno-Rod, 168 00:08:41,280 --> 00:08:44,120 I've secured the photograph of the ghost 169 00:08:44,120 --> 00:08:47,400 and the chimp is an inevitanbility. 170 00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:48,760 - A what? - What is it? 171 00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:50,840 And inevitanbil... An inevitanbility, 172 00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:53,040 an indevatabil... It's a certainty. 173 00:08:53,040 --> 00:08:54,360 It's a certainty. 174 00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:59,120 Well, Vic, you know, now you've talked me through the machine, 175 00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:03,360 I've got to say, I reckon this house is going to remain chimp-free. 176 00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:06,720 All right, lads, what scene is being played out here? 177 00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:08,320 And have we won that chimp yet? 178 00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:10,560 Cos I've got a job I need it to do for me. 179 00:09:10,560 --> 00:09:12,760 Look, kids, I hope you have a really pleasant night 180 00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:16,280 hunting for your ghost, yeah, but let me make it perfectly clear, 181 00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:19,600 I am not having a chimp living in this house, no way, end of. 182 00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:21,840 Come on, lads, I've got a Ouija board set up in here. 183 00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:23,920 Vic, did you hear what I just said? 184 00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:26,480 I heard what you said, Bob, I took it all on board 185 00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:27,640 and I've dismissed it. 186 00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:29,960 Come on, lads, we've got to take a photograph of a ghost 187 00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:31,800 - and win us ourselves a chimp! - Woo! 188 00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:39,120 Right, lads, when we conjure up the spirit, 189 00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:41,040 - who's going to take the photograph of it? - Me. 190 00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:42,840 - Right. - That's my job. - There's a camera. 191 00:09:42,840 --> 00:09:44,160 Thank you. 192 00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:45,560 Take your cap off. 193 00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:48,040 Lens cap. 194 00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:51,480 I'm not wearing Len's cap, I'm not wearing anyone's cap. 195 00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:54,920 - The cap on the camera. - Oh, I knew that. 196 00:09:58,000 --> 00:09:59,400 Turn it round. 197 00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:05,400 - No, you idiot. - Oh, right, I'm an idiot, am I? 198 00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:08,040 Well, would an idiot be able to do this? 199 00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:22,200 That's impressive, yeah, I take it back. 200 00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:24,720 - Put the camera on. - Thank you. 201 00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:39,480 Hang on, I want a slice of this action. 202 00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:47,240 Lads, lads, come on, come on. 203 00:10:47,240 --> 00:10:48,680 Do you want to win a chimp? 204 00:10:48,680 --> 00:10:49,720 BOTH: Yes! 205 00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:52,480 Right, well, come on, let's seance. 206 00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:53,800 BOTH: Ance. 207 00:10:58,440 --> 00:10:59,480 Right. 208 00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:01,880 Is anybody there? 209 00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:06,120 Oooh! 210 00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:13,160 Are you a Victorian whore with a 19th century price list? 211 00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:17,800 In heaven, do you get Homes Under The Hammer? 212 00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:21,920 - Are you are a carrot? - Do you get Dickinson's Real Deal? 213 00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:25,240 Look, it's not 20 bloody questions, you pair of idiots. 214 00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:28,720 Oh, an idiot, you say? That's really rather interesting. 215 00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:31,720 Would an idiot be able to do this? 216 00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:40,200 Erik? 217 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:41,920 ERIK HONKS HORN 218 00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:43,560 Hi, Erik. Wow, cool. 219 00:11:43,560 --> 00:11:45,360 Yeah, they're having they're having... 220 00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:47,440 They're having a seance down... ERIK HONKS HORN 221 00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:50,400 They're having a seance downstairs, and I wondered if I could just... 222 00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:52,120 ERIK HONKS HORN I wondered if I could... 223 00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:53,840 If I could come in and... ERIK HONKS HORN 224 00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:55,640 ..watch your television? ERIK HONKS HORN 225 00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:56,760 You have to say it faster. 226 00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:58,920 They're having a seance downstairs and I wondered 227 00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:00,960 if I could pop in and watch your television? 228 00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:02,880 - Is that a no then? - Yes. 229 00:12:02,880 --> 00:12:03,920 ERIK HONKS HORN 230 00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:08,320 I know him, he's a liar. 231 00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:13,280 He's not even dead, that's a hoax. 232 00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:15,840 - All right, mate, are you with them lot? - Eh? Shut up. 233 00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:17,600 No, I'm a ghost they summoned up. 234 00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:20,480 Yeah, righto, mate, look, they're through there. 235 00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:23,000 Who is? I'm not with them, I am a ghost, look. 236 00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:27,920 Oohhhh! 237 00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:30,960 Ooohh! 238 00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:35,920 - That means you're a ghost, does it? - Yes. - Yeah, me too then. 239 00:12:35,920 --> 00:12:38,360 Yeahhh ohhhh! 240 00:12:38,360 --> 00:12:39,960 - Honestly. - How about this, then? 241 00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:41,280 Ohh... 242 00:12:41,280 --> 00:12:43,440 - What's all that? - Light, look at the light. 243 00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:45,760 - Yeah, you're just turning it on and off. - No, I'm not! 244 00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:47,520 Yes, you are, well, do it from there then. 245 00:12:47,520 --> 00:12:48,800 And I should do that for you? 246 00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:52,040 I've got a brilliant mind, look at this. Automatic writing. 247 00:12:52,040 --> 00:12:53,360 L... 248 00:12:53,360 --> 00:12:56,160 Oh, don't write on me staircase, mate, I'll never get it off. 249 00:12:56,160 --> 00:12:58,200 What's the matter with you? It's water based - 250 00:12:58,200 --> 00:12:59,840 - that'll come off with a wet wipe. - Yeah. 251 00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:00,920 You heard this, lads? 252 00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:03,240 I've got a fella here, he's got a water-based emulsion 253 00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:06,360 on a high-traffic area. Yeah, no the stairwell. 254 00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:08,960 He's not got a what? You're joking, where? 255 00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:12,080 He hasn't either. You ain't got a mat on your threshold. 256 00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:14,880 That's one of the most vulnerable areas in the entire property! 257 00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:17,280 They're killing themselves laughing with you up there. 258 00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:20,040 Yeah, well, can you tell them I am thinking about getting one... 259 00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:22,800 Hang on a minute, old timer, I've got more, have a look at this. 260 00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:25,160 - Well, it's a bit of magic, is it? - No, it's supernatural. 261 00:13:25,160 --> 00:13:26,960 - Oh, righty-oh. - Look at everything. 262 00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:29,000 - Well, I can't look at EVERYTHING. - Yeah, well... 263 00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:32,640 Just look at as much as you can. 264 00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:35,360 Well, that's reasonable, yeah, all right, here I am. 265 00:13:36,480 --> 00:13:38,040 THUNDER RUMBLES 266 00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:41,240 Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! 267 00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:46,040 Three, two, one, powerball! 268 00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:47,080 Oh, missed! 269 00:13:47,080 --> 00:13:49,200 - Was that the finale, mate? - No, I've got one more. 270 00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:52,280 - Oh, no, no... - Three, two, one, powerball! 271 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,000 Bob, do you mind? 272 00:13:57,000 --> 00:13:59,240 We're trying to summon up spirits in here. 273 00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:01,400 It's not me, it's that bloke over there. 274 00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:04,240 - What bloke? - The bloke by the bookcase. 275 00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:07,240 There's no-one there. Now, look, 276 00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:09,840 if you're going to practise your looking up at the ceiling, 277 00:14:09,840 --> 00:14:12,240 can you do it a bit more quietly, please? Thank you. 278 00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:13,560 BONES CRUNCH 279 00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:15,560 Ah, urgh. 280 00:14:15,560 --> 00:14:18,160 Vic couldn't see you, so you are a ghost? 281 00:14:18,160 --> 00:14:20,120 Yeah, I told you, they summoned me up. 282 00:14:20,120 --> 00:14:22,120 Oh, the wankers! 283 00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:25,320 This is the last day I need a frickin' ghost in the house. 284 00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:27,240 - No offence, like. - None taken. 285 00:14:27,240 --> 00:14:31,120 Honestly, you see the thing is, if THEY get a photograph of a ghost, 286 00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:34,280 right, there's a possibility I might have a chimp living in the house. 287 00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:36,000 - Ohh. - God, could things get any worse? 288 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:37,600 Well, I think they're about to. 289 00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:41,920 # I've just popped in to borrow something 290 00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:44,280 # Maybe a pack of sultanas 291 00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:46,600 # It's just a ruse, a teeny excuse 292 00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:49,760 # To shine a torch on Vic's banana. # 293 00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:55,080 - Hiya, Julie. - Hiya, Bob, how are you? Where's Vic? 294 00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:59,160 He's just through there. Hey, Julie, can you see that bloke over there? 295 00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:01,440 - Yeah, hi, Martin. - Hello, Julie. 296 00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:03,160 Martin? 297 00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:07,520 - What, you're Martin? - Oh, so the penny finally drops. 298 00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:12,080 Hi, guys, what's this, a game of truth or dare? 299 00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:15,360 - What are you doing, Julie? - I'm giving you a One Direction. 300 00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:20,480 Look, we're in the middle of something really important 301 00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:23,080 as you can see. 302 00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:25,000 THEY MOAN 303 00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:28,200 So, it would be good for me, mate, 304 00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:30,120 if you could perhaps just nick off, you know? 305 00:15:30,120 --> 00:15:31,400 Yeah, I can see your problem. 306 00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:34,240 I'll nick off in a minute, but first of all, could I have a quick chat? 307 00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:36,400 I've not had a proper man chat since I died, 308 00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:38,240 so what's your favourite, shovel or spade? 309 00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:40,040 To be honest, I don't know the difference. 310 00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:42,480 Oh, my God, we've got another one here, lads. Shovel is for 311 00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:45,320 shovelling, spade is for digging. What's your favourite estuary? 312 00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:47,280 - Estuary, I don't know, The Thames? - Thames?! 313 00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:48,960 Severn! Severn estuary, it's a pip, 314 00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:51,080 Thames estuary hasn't got a tidal bore, has it? 315 00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:53,040 Listen to yourself. You ask me a question now. 316 00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:55,800 OK, erm... Where do you actually live? 317 00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:57,560 Oh, terrible question, awful banter. 318 00:15:57,560 --> 00:15:59,720 All right, I'll try and answer it. 319 00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:02,080 I'm in that er, in-between place, you know, 320 00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:05,280 that halfway house twixt Heaven and Hell, oh, what's it called? 321 00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:08,160 - Oh, Travelodge? - Not a fucking Travelodge. 322 00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:10,840 Not a Travelodge, Limbo. You don't use Travelodges, do you? 323 00:16:10,840 --> 00:16:13,040 - Yeah, sometimes, yeah. - You're joking, aren't you? 324 00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:15,840 - You can go in a Road Chef, 29 quid! - All right, forget I mentioned it. 325 00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:17,680 - Don't worry about them lot seeing me. - Yeah? 326 00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:19,600 I can only be seen by animals, relatives, 327 00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:20,800 and people close to death. 328 00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:23,800 But I'm not a relative, yeah, I'm not an animal... 329 00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:26,160 - What, are you saying I'm going to die? - I'm afraid so. 330 00:16:26,160 --> 00:16:27,960 Oh, no, do you know how I die? 331 00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:39,600 All I can say is it's quick. 332 00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:43,240 - Well, that's something, innit? - It's not that quick. 333 00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:49,000 Oh! Ooh, hottie! Hot, hot! Hot, hot, hottie. 334 00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:53,080 Julie, please, we are trying to summon up a phantom 335 00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:56,720 so we can take a photograph of it and win a chimp. 336 00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:59,080 Just use Martin, you Silly Billy. 337 00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:02,520 Martin, come through, meet the boys. 338 00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:04,640 - Say cheese. - CAMERA BEEPS 339 00:17:06,120 --> 00:17:07,840 Oh, it's a good one. 340 00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:13,080 What I'm going to do is I'm going to print this out and file them 341 00:17:13,080 --> 00:17:15,520 in the miniature town hall where I keep these things, 342 00:17:15,520 --> 00:17:19,160 - and I'm going to print out that copy of Martin for you. - Whatever. 343 00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:22,160 OK. Martin, look at our lovely selfie. 344 00:17:23,280 --> 00:17:25,560 - I'm going to just print out a copy for Vic. - Lovely. 345 00:17:25,560 --> 00:17:27,640 - Ta-ta! - See you. 346 00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:29,440 Oh, God, she's got a photo. 347 00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:31,960 Oh, yeah, that impacts on you, don't it? 348 00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:34,160 Chimp-wise, yeah. 349 00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:36,840 Hey, lads, look, the quantum particle detector's lit up. 350 00:17:36,840 --> 00:17:39,360 That means that there's a spectre in the parish. 351 00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:41,440 - Come on, daft lad, help us out. - All right. 352 00:17:41,440 --> 00:17:43,600 Get the probe on. Yeah. 353 00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:45,160 What's with the snakes, like? 354 00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:47,720 It's the armbands, what's the matter with you? 355 00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:49,880 Right, come on. 356 00:17:49,880 --> 00:17:51,080 Ooh, can't wait for this. 357 00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:52,640 Yeah, you sshhh. 358 00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:54,320 - VIC: - Woooh! 359 00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:56,880 Woooh! 360 00:17:56,880 --> 00:17:59,200 Wooooh! 361 00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:01,800 Woooh! 362 00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:03,080 Woooh! 363 00:18:03,080 --> 00:18:04,960 Oh, there, there, there! A ghost, look. 364 00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:07,960 That's not a ghost, you clown, it's a hard-boiled egg. 365 00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:10,600 But what the probe has done 366 00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:14,720 - is located the ghost of an unborn chicken. - Oh, yeah. 367 00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:20,400 Yeah? So can I now confirm that no-one has a downer on the probe? 368 00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:22,600 - No. - Eh? Bob? 369 00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:24,880 No, that's a nice bit of kit, Vic, well done. 370 00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:27,200 I tell you what, Vic, I've got a feeling, I've got a good 371 00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:30,160 feeling about this area here, it's got really cold really suddenly. 372 00:18:30,160 --> 00:18:32,600 I think it might be worth checking here with your probe. 373 00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:33,880 Yeah, I can do that. 374 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:34,920 Nice one. 375 00:18:34,920 --> 00:18:36,560 Woooh! 376 00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:38,240 Woooh! Woooh! 377 00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:40,400 Woooooh! 378 00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:43,280 You can cordon this area off... Brrr! 379 00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:45,680 - ..as a no-ghost area. - Right. 380 00:18:45,680 --> 00:18:48,600 That is a good unit that, Vic, whatever anyone says, 381 00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:50,200 that's a neat probe, well done. 382 00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:53,880 Thank you, do you hear that, lads? Right, let's carry on. 383 00:18:53,880 --> 00:18:55,400 You see the snakes? 384 00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:57,440 Well, they're armbands, aren't they? 385 00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:01,960 VIC CONTINUES MAKING NOISES 386 00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:04,840 NOISES GET LOUDER 387 00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:07,880 It's gone berserk, it must be in here, this is the nest. 388 00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:09,760 - Well, go on then. - You get in there. 389 00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:12,600 I'm not going in there, I'm Billy Elliot. 390 00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:13,720 Get in there now. 391 00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:17,400 Go on. 392 00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:18,560 I'll need light. 393 00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:21,320 Whoa! 394 00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:23,000 Whoa, there's a ghost in there. 395 00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:24,960 - What's it look like? - A proper twat. 396 00:19:26,480 --> 00:19:29,520 Get in and take a picture of it. Three, two, one... 397 00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:32,600 - Ooh! - Ah, it's horrible! 398 00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:35,560 - It's evil. - Ooh, it looks like Gary Barlow. 399 00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:38,200 Oh, I know what that is, it's not a ghost, lads. 400 00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:39,440 Come on - out the way. 401 00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:42,040 - No, don't go in there, don't go in. - Don't do it, Bob, you twat. 402 00:19:42,040 --> 00:19:44,520 Oh, it's all right, I know exactly what it is. 403 00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:45,920 Here, look. 404 00:19:47,360 --> 00:19:49,400 - You see? - I feel a proper Charlie. 405 00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:54,280 Yeah, it's just items that have fallen in a particular manner 406 00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:56,200 so as to resemble Gary Barlow. 407 00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:59,760 Is he at a concert, or perhaps judging someone or something? 408 00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:02,720 Simple as that, lads, that's all it is, it's not a ghost. 409 00:20:02,720 --> 00:20:05,720 All right, now listen, I don't want to shift focus, 410 00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:11,600 or undermine your quantum probe, but I actually bought one myself. 411 00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:13,520 Ooh. 412 00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:15,360 Didn't know this. 413 00:20:15,360 --> 00:20:20,600 Oh-ho! Oh, Beef, look at the finish on that. 414 00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:22,800 Wow, did you make that in the workshop? 415 00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:25,440 - That's no concern of yours. - Wow, what does it do, Beef? 416 00:20:25,440 --> 00:20:27,960 - Want to see what it does? - Yeah. - Yeah. 417 00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:31,040 Ooooh! 418 00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:32,680 Ooh, did you see that, Vic? 419 00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:35,000 Well, that's what I call a probe, Vic. 420 00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:36,440 All right, well, I tell you what, 421 00:20:36,440 --> 00:20:38,520 we'll forget about my probe, shall we? 422 00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:40,880 - There. - Oooh. 423 00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:42,400 Can I just have a look at that? 424 00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:43,520 Ooh. 425 00:20:43,520 --> 00:20:44,680 Ooh. 426 00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:45,720 Look at that. 427 00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:52,640 - Ooh! - How's this conflict going to resolve itself? 428 00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:54,640 Yeah, who's going to make the next play? 429 00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:56,840 Let's find out. Watch! 430 00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:03,400 Whoa! 431 00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:04,840 Poltergeist! 432 00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:11,920 Watch out! 433 00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:16,880 CLOCK CHIMES AND CUCKOOS 434 00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:22,320 Wow, what just happened then? 435 00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:24,160 In the light of what just happened then, 436 00:21:24,160 --> 00:21:27,040 let's pull our pants up really nice and high and tight 437 00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:29,800 and go and check out this manifestation in here. 438 00:21:31,280 --> 00:21:33,720 - What do you think about that? - What I think is, I'll tell you 439 00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:36,440 what I think - can you stop trying to give yourself away, please? 440 00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:38,400 Yeah, all right, never mind that, 441 00:21:38,400 --> 00:21:41,360 - which one of them blokes are you going with? - Eh? What? None of them. 442 00:21:41,360 --> 00:21:43,680 Come on, course you are. Which one's your boyfriend? 443 00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:44,720 Long-haired one? 444 00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:47,280 If I had to choose one, yeah, the long-haired one I suppose. 445 00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:50,360 - Yeah, all right. Let me go and ask him for you. - No, please don't. 446 00:21:50,360 --> 00:21:53,000 - And why not? - No, you just behave, will you? 447 00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:57,720 Martin? When am I going to die, Martin? The photo... 448 00:21:57,720 --> 00:21:59,200 Photo! 449 00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:04,560 Right, I'll regress one of you 450 00:22:04,560 --> 00:22:07,320 - and see if you can find the ghost on your travels, who'll it be? - Me. 451 00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:08,560 What is it? 452 00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:10,520 I'll take you back in time to a previous life. 453 00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:11,720 Go on, get on with it. 454 00:22:11,720 --> 00:22:14,960 - Are you ready? - Yeah. - Waaaaah! 455 00:22:17,360 --> 00:22:19,480 Who are you, where are you, and what is your rank? 456 00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:22,720 I am at the battle of Marston Moor, 457 00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:25,200 my name is Edward Longbottom, 458 00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:28,120 don't, I've heard them all before, I get it all the time. 459 00:22:28,120 --> 00:22:32,800 Not as bad as my boss, General Dick Dangles, his life's a misery. 460 00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:35,600 Anyway, the other day I'm walking through the marsh with Dick 461 00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:37,480 and I tread in some dog dirt, and he says to me 462 00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:40,720 "If you tread that into the tent, I shall hit the roof." 463 00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:43,360 Shut him up, he's boring the tits off me. 464 00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:50,360 I am Bonor, son of Bollock, husband of Tittybus, 465 00:22:50,360 --> 00:22:52,000 guardian of the parish pub. 466 00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:55,040 Spare me this Lord of the Rings shit, no offence, Vic. 467 00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:03,960 - Hi, Julie. - Hello, Bob, what a lovely surprise, isn't it though? 468 00:23:03,960 --> 00:23:06,400 Isn't it though? Hey, look, is Martin about? 469 00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:08,720 It's just he told me earlier that I was going to die 470 00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:10,880 and I just wanted to see if he was telling the truth. 471 00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:13,160 Sorry about that, mate, just bullshit. 472 00:23:14,280 --> 00:23:16,520 Oh, well that's a relief, Julie, innit? 473 00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:18,560 All round, that is a relief. 474 00:23:18,560 --> 00:23:21,560 Julie, the photograph there, do you see, of Martin and yourself... 475 00:23:21,560 --> 00:23:23,600 - Yeah. - Could I have a look at that, please? 476 00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:26,400 - Yeah, but first I want to ask you a little question. - Yeah, go on. 477 00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:28,680 Do you notice anything different about me? 478 00:23:28,680 --> 00:23:30,040 Um, no, I don't think so. 479 00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:32,200 Perhaps if I present you with my silhouette. 480 00:23:34,560 --> 00:23:36,800 No, nothing, nothing at all. 481 00:23:36,800 --> 00:23:39,720 I had my bum plumped up, you know, like the black girls do, 482 00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:41,440 with a little shelf. 483 00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:43,200 Oh, right, oh I see, yeah. 484 00:23:43,200 --> 00:23:45,520 Yeah, I got it done at WH Smith at the bum department. 485 00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:48,080 Yeah. They don't have a bum department, Julie. 486 00:23:48,080 --> 00:23:51,040 It's actually a fully functioning shelf. Just stick something on. 487 00:23:51,040 --> 00:23:53,160 OK, well, I tell you what, I'll dress it for you. 488 00:23:53,160 --> 00:23:54,640 Do me up. Dress it for me. 489 00:23:54,640 --> 00:23:57,640 - Yeah. - Make me look pretty. What have you chosen? 490 00:23:57,640 --> 00:24:00,000 - Not the bonsai? - Yeah. - You're crazy! 491 00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:02,640 But you said you wanted it pretty. 492 00:24:03,800 --> 00:24:06,280 - Are you ready, is it on? - Yeah. - Is it good to go? 493 00:24:06,280 --> 00:24:07,440 It's good to go, go. 494 00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:08,600 Check it out. 495 00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:11,080 - Wow. - Check it out. 496 00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:13,360 It's an actual working shelf, Julie. 497 00:24:13,360 --> 00:24:15,600 - Goodbye, handbag. - Yeah. 498 00:24:15,600 --> 00:24:18,760 - I'm really happy with it. - I'm really pleased for you. 499 00:24:18,760 --> 00:24:20,960 Look, Julie, you know that photograph? 500 00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:23,760 Vic has asked me if I can come and fetch it for him, 501 00:24:23,760 --> 00:24:25,080 so could I take it, please? 502 00:24:25,080 --> 00:24:27,720 Yes, but only if you do one thing for me in return. 503 00:24:27,720 --> 00:24:29,640 Ooh, ouch, yeah, what is it? 504 00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:32,520 Well, what I want you to do is pull up beside me, 505 00:24:32,520 --> 00:24:35,000 wind your window down and ask me for directions. 506 00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:36,960 What, like so I'm driving a car, yeah? 507 00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:38,840 - Like you're in a car. - OK, here goes. 508 00:24:38,840 --> 00:24:40,640 Vrrrr-oooom. 509 00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:42,240 OK, I'm waiting for the bus. 510 00:24:43,520 --> 00:24:45,560 Hey, excuse me now, I can see you're busy, 511 00:24:45,560 --> 00:24:48,760 but could you give me directions to the library, please? 512 00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:50,920 I'm so sorry, I'm not from round here. 513 00:24:53,320 --> 00:24:54,720 Ha, ha, ha! 514 00:24:56,760 --> 00:24:59,000 Oh, it gets them every time. 515 00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:01,160 - Go on, take the picture. - I can take the picture? 516 00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:03,920 - Yeah, you can take it. - Thanks, Julie. 517 00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:05,720 - Thank you. - OK, bye, Bob! 518 00:25:05,720 --> 00:25:07,680 - See you, Julie. - Oh, tosser. 519 00:25:09,200 --> 00:25:14,600 Look, you've regressed him too far, you fool. Cro-Magnon man. 520 00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:17,200 What is laminate wood flooring? 521 00:25:18,560 --> 00:25:20,320 Ugh, woman! 522 00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:22,120 No, no, no I'm just a tobacconist. 523 00:25:22,120 --> 00:25:24,360 Me want woman. 524 00:25:24,360 --> 00:25:27,120 Strike him before he gets wind of our backsides. 525 00:25:30,760 --> 00:25:33,480 Ah, bloody hell. 526 00:25:33,480 --> 00:25:35,720 Well? Did it work? 527 00:25:35,720 --> 00:25:38,040 No, it didn't work. 528 00:25:38,040 --> 00:25:39,680 No ghost... 529 00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:41,600 - No photo. - No chimp. 530 00:25:42,840 --> 00:25:46,200 - All right, lads? - Twat. 531 00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:47,720 What's the matter with you lot? 532 00:25:47,720 --> 00:25:50,000 What's the matter? I'll tell you what's the matter. 533 00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:54,360 We had a dream, a dream to own a chimp at our beck and call, 534 00:25:54,360 --> 00:25:56,960 and now that dream's in tatters. 535 00:25:56,960 --> 00:26:01,880 And like Icarus, we tried to fly too high to kiss the moon. 536 00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:04,320 I mean come on, lads, life goes on, you know? 537 00:26:04,320 --> 00:26:07,440 No, life doesn't go on, life without a chimp's no life for me, 538 00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:08,840 I wish I was dead. 539 00:26:08,840 --> 00:26:10,360 - Me too. - Me too. 540 00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:15,360 All right. Hey, Vic, here, I've got something for you, there you are. 541 00:26:17,600 --> 00:26:18,880 - Aaaaah! - Ahhh! 542 00:26:20,080 --> 00:26:23,400 It's a picture of a ghost, we will get that chimp. 543 00:26:24,480 --> 00:26:28,280 Bob, you big, beautiful bastard! 544 00:26:29,760 --> 00:26:32,960 Bob, I always thought you were a major league asshole. 545 00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:35,800 But you're not, you're a real stand-up guy. 546 00:26:42,360 --> 00:26:46,600 Here it is, folks, it's the letter from Ghost Hunter magazine. 547 00:26:46,600 --> 00:26:48,840 I think you all know what this is. 548 00:26:51,240 --> 00:26:53,680 - You ready? - Yeah. - Yes. 549 00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:56,120 Thank you for entering our recent photo competition. 550 00:26:56,120 --> 00:26:57,680 - Come on. - So, yeah, all right! 551 00:26:57,680 --> 00:27:00,960 We are pleased to inform you that your photograph of the ghost, 552 00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:02,240 Martin Cooper, has won... 553 00:27:02,240 --> 00:27:03,880 THEY CHEER Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! 554 00:27:05,200 --> 00:27:09,280 ..third prize, a day out with Andy Barker. 555 00:27:09,280 --> 00:27:10,560 KNOCK AT DOOR 556 00:27:10,560 --> 00:27:12,120 Come in! 557 00:27:12,120 --> 00:27:15,320 Hi, I'm Andy Barker, and this is my bicycle, 558 00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:17,520 and I'm going to blow your minds! 559 00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:22,320 Who the hell are you? Sue Barker's husband? 560 00:27:22,320 --> 00:27:24,200 No, I'm Linda Barker's brother. 561 00:27:25,880 --> 00:27:30,440 Hang on. Yeah, I'm just going to have to use your toilet, sorry. 562 00:27:30,440 --> 00:27:33,400 What a shit prize, why didn't we get the chimp? 563 00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:34,640 I don't know. 564 00:27:34,640 --> 00:27:37,720 Right, there's no easy way in saying this, is there going to be lots 565 00:27:37,720 --> 00:27:40,280 and lots and lots of toilet paper? 566 00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:42,680 - Just use the curtain. - Curtain. 567 00:27:42,680 --> 00:27:45,000 Oh, people, get him a bog roll, come on. 568 00:27:45,000 --> 00:27:46,640 No, this is why we need a chimp. 569 00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:49,800 Yeah. Hang on a minute, got an idea. 570 00:27:52,920 --> 00:27:56,640 Take man toilet paper, you savage brute. 571 00:27:56,640 --> 00:27:58,320 What is toilet paper? 572 00:27:58,320 --> 00:28:00,080 Find me an African woman. 573 00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:01,240 What is the... 574 00:28:01,240 --> 00:28:03,600 HE MUMBLES 575 00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:06,680 Yeah, and go and get me some strawberries. 576 00:28:06,680 --> 00:28:08,280 Strawberries I know. 577 00:28:08,280 --> 00:28:09,880 And while you're at it, 578 00:28:09,880 --> 00:28:12,840 I've got a Barnaby Rudge that needs buffing, you monstrosity. 579 00:28:12,840 --> 00:28:14,520 Oooh! 580 00:28:15,920 --> 00:28:17,920 # Didn't we have a lovely day 581 00:28:17,920 --> 00:28:20,480 # The day we created an ape slave 582 00:28:20,480 --> 00:28:21,800 # So what happens next? 583 00:28:21,800 --> 00:28:23,120 # We get on our knees 584 00:28:23,120 --> 00:28:25,280 # And worship this full fat Turkish cheese... # 585 00:28:25,280 --> 00:28:26,680 Ooh! 586 00:28:30,840 --> 00:28:33,120 THEY HUM 587 00:28:39,400 --> 00:28:41,320 Thank you. 588 00:28:42,560 --> 00:28:45,400 APPLAUSE