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TANNOY: Attention all crew.
Today is Bring Your Clone To Work day.
If you don't have a clone,
go and see the clone officer on level seven.
Incoming alien vessel.
Range two decamiles. Jeffers, prime missiles.
Primed. Sandstrom, hold us steady.
Holding vector three by nine-Y.
And soon we shall dance to their death rattle.
Oi! What you doing? Lights, please.
What have we said? (Don't shoot at people in the appointments diary.)
Mmm? Don't shoot at people in the appointments diary.
When I have guests, I like them to not be on fire.
You abandoned your command. (I went to the toilet.) What?
I went to the toilet.
You were ages.
I know. My tummy's...
Vine? Can you contact the Glish, please? Clear them to dock. Teal.
Yes? There is a chalice-load of history up that corridor.
Let's go sup from it.
I told him it was a bad thing to do.
Tell him off. ..He'll tell you off now, then you'll be sorry.
We are being downgraded.
Starbase are humiliating us.
It's a sideways move.
Telling aliens the great news about the Peterborough enterprise zone.
Vital work. Commander, may I respectfully remind you that we are a ship of war!
It is a sideways move!
You're not coming to meet the Glish.
Well, I didn't want to come. I wasn't coming anyway.
Well, you were very much walking this way, Mr York. Yes, because I'm going down there.
Why?
Well, wouldn't you like to know?
Ah!
Well, Miss Teal, England expects. As does Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland.
You'll be brilliant.
You always are. Thank you very much.
How do I look? Great. Yeah? Yes.
Thanks, Big Truck.
Let's go. Game faces on.
Oh, what the...?! Shhhh! Oh-ho.
Aaaaaaaaaah. Aaaaaaaaaah.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Your accent's very good. Thank you.
We are the Glish.
Before we proceed, may we lick your hands? - Of course.
There is nothing sexual in this.
Taste is our most highly developed sense.
When we meet a new friend we always taste them.
(It's part of their culture.) (I don't want to!) (You have to.)
THEY GROAN
Ughhh... Don't like it. On behalf of the British government,
we'd like to ask you if you would relocate some of your...
industry to the Peterborough enterprise zone.
Ugh! Thank you. Look, it's a string from...
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT It's everywhere! OK.
Let's talk business.
Yes, let's.
TUNEFUL BEEPING
Hey, Vine. You ever seen Sandstrom fall off that thing? Never.
I bet you could navigate a course to make her fall out. Nope. Get into trouble.
I'll buy you a bar of Pepsi.
Yeah, all right. Sandstrom.
Hard left.
Hard right!
Hard left!
Hard right! Nice.
Extreme bank left!
Extreme bank right!
Port attitude thrusters, five degrees.
Heeeeey!
Sorry, sorry. Training, training exercise.
Please, if you would.
ALARMS BLARE It's done that thing again. Shouldn't have done that.
Help me, Jeffers. Help me!
Jeffers!
Help me!
But it's not all work, work, work. There you go. There's a buzzing cafe culture.
And then on a Sunday there's a farmer's market.
They let you try cheeses. Cheese. Yum.
We are very impressed.
We have businesses looking for premises on Earth.
And your Peterborough, with its transport links and work-life balance, sounds ideal.
That is absolutely magic!
Why don't you sign the contract and biggedy baggedy bong, we are done.
Right, we've just got one small request. Yes.
When the Glish make a new agreement, we always mark it with a fresh tasting.
A face will be perfect.
Hmm, OK. Well, whose face would you...?
Officer Teal. Teal? Yeah, that's fine! You don't mind, do you, Teal?
There's nothing about faces... It's nothing sexual. They've made that clear.
I don't like it. I don't want it to happen. Good egg.
Come on. Do it for Britain. FRENZIED SLURPING
And the business rates are subsidised for three years?
Abso-bloody-lutely, yeah.
THE GLISH MOAN IN PLEASURE
Guys, sorry, I just need one signature each, and, er...
Also, we must rub our genitals against your head, Commander.
We also taste with our genitals. There is nothing sexual in this.
No, it's a very charming cultural trait, I'm sure, but can we...
We must rub our genitals against your head. You will insult us if you refuse. Stop it!
You don't care about Peterborough, do you?
No. We did a deal with America.
What? But we would love to rub our genitals against your head.
Stop it! York! Please! York! THE GLISH LAUGH
CREATURE CHIRRUPS
Hello. Now, you know, when you're a Space Commander,
you never know what the next moment's gonna bring.
Today it's trade, which is a sideways move,
but tomorrow I might be back fighting the Red Shiny Robots of Vortis.
Now, they seize planets and make people work in their factories
until they drop, and then they feed them to their fellow workers.
Some say Earth is next.
Anyway, happy birthday. Six today.
Hope you have a lovely day, and hope you enjoy the bike.
And I'm sorry I can't be there. And listen, don't worry about the robots.
Let your uncle worry about them, that's my job.
I don't want you to lie awake at night thinking about them.
And night is when they come.
Arghhh! The robots and the kid...
Henderson. Space Marshall.
You got a bone for the dog?
Well!
What a meeting that was! Yes?
Yeah. A day I, and my crew, will certainly remember
for a very long time to come. Yes. Did they sign?
Did they sign? Now, I mean... That...
No.
I see. I don't know why I'm mentioning this...
you know those school trips we run to the moon and back? The BratRun?
We don't like to call it that.
Children are very stimulating company, especially 190 of them.
The guy running it now, he's retiring.
Stress, I think.
So we'll need someone to take over.
Anyway, let's just say everyone would love you to do a Peterborough deal by Friday.
Especially you.
Sandra? How do I turn this off?
THEY MUMBLE ANSWERS Is it this one here?
I can't believe you did that.
BratRun?
Thanks, Teal.
Don't!
Ah, let me have a little think. Er...
Ooh! What about the tube people of Gulth?
I think they would love Peterborough.
Too late. They've done a deal with China.
Ooh, the Ogrins of Blabe? Moved their factories to Florida.
Futile. It's all futile. SANDSTROM: Futile.
Futile.
We'll get there!
We're like the people in the Blitz who shook their fists at the sky
and said, "Come on, you Zulus! Do your worst!"
Ooh! Oh, I think I've got one.
Planet Uberon. Big industrial base...
Oh, no, sorry. They're isolationist.
Severed all links with the galaxy years ago.
False alarm, sorry.
Oh, no, no, no.
Isolationist, eh?
That would be perfect. They wouldn't have done a deal with anyone.
One man could talk to them, tell them it's time to come back to the galaxy,
what a day that would be.
What a day! Oh, Miss Teal, I could kiss you.
BREATHLESSLY: Could you?
Sandstrom? Get ready. Vine, set course for Uberon. What?
Course. Yeah. What, on the navicomputer?
Mmm-hmm.
ALARM SOUNDS Got a problem?
Mmm... No... It's the..
HE COUGHS OBVIOUSLY Sorry, I'm a bit...coughy.
Coffee. Coffee. Coffee?
What have we said about hot drinks on the console?
Jeffers is gonna lose half a day to fix that.
Oh, what?!
TANNOY: Attention all crew.
A further reminder that the weapons bay is not an appropriate venue for hen nights.
Please use the designated hen and stag facilities on levels four and five.
You said you'd be done by now.
It's stuck on the defaults -
"sorry you can't do this, sorry you can't do that".
We need to be at Uberon by tomorrow.
If we live that long.
Oh, what is it now? There is a parasitic being on board this ship.
Left, I suspect, by your good friends the Glish.
Another one of your scares, Mr York?
Remember the Beast of Level Nine? What did that turn out to be?
It was Vine trying to grow a beard. Viney grew that beard!
It has already claimed its first victim. Cadet Wade.
Bring in the deceased.
Oscar! Yes.
The ship's guinea pig is no more.
Eurgh! And, as the beast feeds, so will it grow.
All right! Back to work.
We don't all need to look.
Ohh.
That is not right.
Permission to hunt and destroy the alien. Xenomorph...?
Could we say "xenomorph"?
It's just a cool word.
York, just get the alien! Xenomorph.
Before we get to Uberon.
You! With me. Chop, chop, Mr Vine.
Me?! Oh, yes.
You techies, eh? You love to do it the hard way.
What does that say?
Quickfix!
You can't quick fix, you've got to custom fix.
I think we'll do Quickfix. It sounds quick. No...
If you do Quickfix, the system folder is gonna be...
Will somebody listen? No to mailings. He's gonna press "next".
Next. Now he's gonna press "restart". And press "restart" and bang!
PC SHUT-DOWN JINGLE
You've turned the whole ship off. PC START-UP JINGLE
And now everything's gone back to the defaults.
Everything on the ship. No, no, not everything, look.
Navicomputer's fixed. I did that. Me!
Look, I'm gonna set a course for Uberon. Miss Sandstrom?
Commencify that course please!
Full power.
Ah! Woah!
Yeah.
We're going!
That was nice.
I mean...
here's the question. Do you think it will take you long
to mend all the other little bits and bobs?
Jeffers?
To access the toilet, please enter the second, fourth,
and 83rd numbers of your security code.
"Proud people of Uberon," big U, small B.
"It is time for you to take your place once again
"amongst the great civilisations of this galaxy."
Full stop.
"Much has changed.
"For example, Peterborough
"now has a new access road to Ely..."
'You need to sleep, Commander.
'I will turn myself off shortly.'
Override. Can you override the defaults?
'Override denied. I refer you to Manual H Module three,
'the importance of sleep for officers.'
I'm aware of the module, but I don't need to be up until nine.
'I will verify that with your alarm clock.'
MACHINERY WHIRRS
'Incorrect. Your alarm is set for 6.50.' No...
'Good night, Commander.'
Don't trust the clock...
Jeffers? Yeah?
Can you come and fix the machines in my room first thing, please?
No. There's a protocol for this and I'm bothering to follow it.
I'm not being selfish. It's just... Yeah, yeah.
Look, if I can't do my job, then the ship can't do its job.
All right, then. Whatever. Hey, don't whatever me.
It's ever so rude, Jeffers.
Jeffers?
Hold that in with my tongue... Ely.
Ah, the planet of Uberon!
Well done, Sandstrom, you've really excelled yourself this time.
Oh, incoming message, Commander.
Intruder, you have entered the system of Uberon.
Outsiders have no business here.
I respect your ways.
But the galaxy has moved on.
I seek, as you would call it, a "headmeet" with one of your kind.
Leave this system. There will be no more warning.
All right. All right, but...
first, let me tell you a story
about a small village on ancient Earth, metaphorically very similar to your world.
Now, this village had a lovely fat horse, and... Chloe? The...
Chloe Teal! Yes?
You know, the kibbutz on Alikyan Three! Fasmoff!
Yeah! Sorry, I didn't recognise...
I know, it's the hair.
Comes with the rank. I'm a minister! What about that? Yippee!
Congratulations! The village in the next valley...
You still got that guitar?
Ding-dee-ding! I know.
It's in a cupboard, I've not put strings on for ages!
It's so good to see you! And you! What you doing here?
We're telling people about this zone called Peterborough. Great place.
Right. Well, I'll tell you what.
There's been talk here about the isolation.
There's a change in the wind. How about I pop up and have a chat?
Do. Please do.
That would be lovely! Fantastic. I will see you later. Lovely!
Ding-dee-ding! Ding ding! Ha ha!
That is lovely!
Yeah...
Sorry, Commander.
Ooh, is it safe to get him up?
That thing's still loose. York'll be wearing it as a coat by tea.
But if it's a risk to Fasmoff we should delay the talks. I would like to crack on.
But procedure does clearly state that when visitors come...
But procedure does clearly state that when visitors come... I'm not doing the BratRun!
When this being took a trip here, she booked a one way passage to death.
She and I are alike.
Killers. Strangers to mercy.
Only one shall survive.
DETECTOR BEEPS STEADILY
BEEPS SPEED UP
Come, my pretty one.... BEEPS INCREASE IN INTENSITY
There! Still, quite still.
Show no fear.
She feeds on fear.
It's gone in the bottle bank.
Right, we'll seal the hatch, blow all the glass into space, creature goes with it.
And where is the sport in that?
Oh, no, in her last moment I want her to look me in the eye
and know who bested her.
I have another plan.
THEY MUMBLE
Airlock opening.
Airlock closing. Minister, welcome. Chloe! Ahh!
How's the old gang doing?
What's Beetle up to? She's got three boys now.
Yeah, as she would say, d'you remember... Happy Nappy Bally.
It's just lovely to see you! Good to see you!
Dinky-dinky-dinky! Dinky-dinky-dinky...
Did you take a year off before uni?
Me? No, no, I left school and went to a weird far-off planet called "work".
Meeting room? Shall we?
You must smell like prey.
More honey.
Good.
Come and get him.
Come and get the delicious man.
GROWLING No, no, no! Hold still, Mr Vine.
Hold so very, very still...
GLASS RATTLES, GROWLING
ROARING
Ho-ho! She is angered.
What can stop her now?
This is exactly the kind of policy shift we've been talking about.
We could make a big splash with this at the autumn conference.
One problem, though... Oh, go on.
I don't think Peterborough's going to be big enough.
We've got Stirling or Doncaster.
We'll take them, too.
And Wales.
Britain's still a big galactic power?
Oh, yes. Massive. Absolutely.
Let's have a good old British cup of mochaccino, we'll deal with the boring bits...
Argh!
Why don't we just go to meeting room two?
I never like this one.
Make up your mind! Ha ha!
But there isn't even a meeting room...
Argh! I think meeting room two...
The ambience in meeting room two's a lot more...ambient!
Come along, chop, chop!
CRASHING, SCREAMING
Here we are. Here we are.
Under the pipe there. Meeting room two.
Strange smell. No, there isn't.
That says "urine processing area".
That is a wall where we keep signs for other rooms.
DISTANT SCREAMS What was that?
The cadets. They like a game.
Bit of horseplay.
Why don't you sign those, quick as you like, and then it's back home, safe and sound.
I'm sure you're missed.
I do have to read it first. No, yeah, take your time...
For God's sake, Fasmoff, just sign it!
Sorry. DISTANT SCREAMS
Um...if you would excuse us, why don't you stick around here and read them...?
We're off to judge the ship's screaming competition.
But sign it, please. Please!
SCREAMS
York! Hey! You said, by the time we got to Uberon, you'd...
York, this thing is eating my crew!
Only the slow ones.
She's picking them off, doing exactly what I would do.
I almost love her.
What?
Come with me. York!
Minister? Fasmoff?
The ship isn't safe. We're here to escort you to your shuttle.
Minister? Look, there was no way of knowing this was going to happen
before you came on board, so I am in no way to blame for this.
Nor am I. Nor is Teal. Thank you.
LOUD SCREAM
Minister?
Emergency code five.
I'm returning immediately.
FAINT SCRABBLING
LOUDER SCRABBLING
Hello?
MORE SCRABBLING
Move! Move! Gangway! Passing on the left!
Oh, yeah, right, crack out the guns and don't tell Jeffers. Here, catch!
This is a baby's gun.
SNARLING, HEARTBEAT
GROWLING
DISTANT SHRIEKING That way!
I...
I saw it. Look, let me assure you, you're safe, yeah? And they don't get those things in Peterborough.
Biggest thing in Peterborough is an urban fox.
But they've brought in bins with lids on and that really seems to have cracked it.
YELLING Let's go!
LOUD GROWLING Aaaaaagggh!
York, shoot the alien. Xenomorph!
I...I can't.
Oh, York! I have the shot.
'Before using this gun, do you accept the following terms?'
Jeffers! Man, this gun is on default. I had to do your lamp!
Help him! 'One. The manufacturer accepts no responsibility...' Yes.
'..for damage caused by projectile instrument.' Yes, yes, yes!
Why don't you help? 'I think you said "yes". Confirm.' Yes. Watch!
'Two. The manufacturers are not liable for defects caused by unsuitable storage.'
Yes, yes, yes, I accept.
ALIEN ROARS
So, farewell to the perfect survival machine and the face of true beauty.
'Three. If third party ammunition is used, all warranties are declared void.'
'Do you accept condition three?'
Yeah, I do. 'I am now primed.
'Go get 'em, soldier.'
TANNOY: Attention all crew.
News from home.
Cloaks are out. Ruffs are in.
And Wimbledon fortnight starts tomorrow.
Is this Britain's year?
Did you know that thing was on your ship?
Did I know?
Er, yeah. Yeah, I did.
Sorry. Look, if you ever change your mind, the bumph's in there, there's a couple of little bits.
Give him the goody bag.
Yeah, it's got all sorts. It's got some tea.
D'you want that? Drink tea?
No?
Or a lovely box of finest shortbread?
It's there if you want it.
If you're ever in the area, then do... Ding-ding...
The Space Marshall is going to call me in 20 minutes.
So you'd better do something. Me? Yes, you. What? You heard.
What should I do, though?
Door closing.
Resume.
Your loyal robot has been repaired. Oh.
Good to have you back, my friend.
I don't think the Sky Witches of Wotar will be bothering you for some time to come.
Captain Helix.
For saving my people, I grant you half the lands of my world.
No. I do not need land or treasure.
The only reward I seek
is a single kiss.
I don't know how to inform you of this, Mr Jeffers, but...
Yes?
You'll live.
Will I have a massive scar?
Massive.
Cool.
WAILING Hello? Hi, there, hi.
Am I speaking to the Whale People of Jorrain? WAILING IN REPLY
Oh, great. Good.
I wondered if you had a few moments to answer some questions about your business needs.
INDIGNANT WAILING Oh, no, gosh.
No, I promise you, I'm not trying to sell you something. ANGRY WAIL
Sorry, did you just say what I think...? Hello?
That is so rude.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 2006
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk