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Attention all crew.
Nutrition advice.
Lager is not a meal in itself.
Eat food with your lager.
Approaching Queppu. Vector 9 by 779.
Commencify please.
Ah, Henderson. Ah, Space Marshal.
Can I just say, first contacts really are my favourite part f the job.
We're reaching out across the galaxy nd we're saying, hello, we're our sky brothers. Yes, very good.
See if you can get planning permission for a Tesco orbital.
OK, I mean, they'll learn from us, but...
And Barratt homes have been on the phone, we're sending you the bumph. Good.
But in essence, what we're saying is... we're from Britain, you know,
and you've just made 180 million new friends. You're right, Henderson.
Thank you. And what do friends do or each other? I think they process their friends' nuclear waste.
Tell them it's very profitable and entirely safe.
Which it is. Yes.
Hello, little lady.
Die!
What you doing?
Whoa! Commander.
TR 47. It has the range and accuracy but it's so very poor on spread.
Typical molecule rifle.
Highly efficient, nevertheless. Catch!
Now...
the SA 2400
has quite a different story...
Hardly precise but emits a cone of short-range devastation.
Most of the enemy are killed by the flying limbs of their colleagues.
Pow! We'll take both.
York...they're a nascent civilisation, you know.
They're agricultural, pre-industrial.
They might find all this a little bit scary.
It's not a good way to begin.
Commander, commander, commander, we won't begin like this.
First, we'll nuclear destruct one of their more picturesque villages.
A small show of strength.
Then we'll go down with these, stand before them and say, "We are death, destroyer of worlds.
"Bury your husbands, then come enjoy your new branch of Morrison's."
Teal? How many arms do they have?
Two. That's such a shame. Are we never gonna get rid of these? I know.
And they're good quality too.
So, who is going to this "Queppu" then?
Well, I thought we would honour them with our three highest ranking officers. You, me, and Teal.
Wait a minute.
You don't intend to leave this vessel in the sole charge of...
Jeffers!
York, Teal and I are doing the first contact.
Yeah, and...?
Well, I'd like you to look after the ship while we're away.
Certainly, Commander.
Oh. See? Fine! It's a trap.
I'm sowing the seeds of trust, Mr York. We'll all reap the harvest.
Don't think I've forgotten the last time, Mr Jeffers.
"Oh, no, Commander, I'm not having a party, I'm just having a couple of friends over."
I'm watching you.
We all make mistakes, Mr York.
And I write all yours down.
Commander, We need to watch the film. We've all seen the film.
Regulations clearly state all crew members must watch the film before going to a new planet. I insist.
Thank you. Follow me. Come along.
COMMENTARY: 'Let's learn about another Alien Sex Disease...'
Can we skip this? Ssh! Thank you.
'This crew member had intercourse with a Glygonthian octopoid.
'Let's take a close look at his genitals.
'Pustules have developed.
'And on the pustules, warts.'
Sweet? 'Soon his entire groin explodes...'
PHUD!
'..revealing five baby octopoids, each with his face.
'Remember - alien sex is danger sex.'
Good. It was all right, in the end.
And now it's probably more like four meters to the airlock, two meters, Ooh, and we're stopping.
On a personal note, I'd like to thank the commander
for allowing me to keep the official record of the visit to Queppu.
Oh, he's gesturing to me. Oh, he wants me to stop talking for a bit.
So I'll just stop talking for a bit.
Mr Jeffers.
You have command. And I know you're up to it.
She's in safe hands, sir. He said sir. You see? ..Now listen.
These are our emergency frequencies.
This one's for everyday emergencies. And that one's for more, you know, emergency emergencies.
Commander. I strongly advise you not to leave him in charge.
Leave Teal. She's a hopeless plodder, but broadly obedient.
First Officer York being characteristically unfair.
A bad start to a historic mission. Thank you. Listen, one more thing.
I don't want you to sit in my chair. I 'm not being precious about it,
I've just got it set up for my back the way I like. Capish? Got it.
Good.
York? Come on.
Today, we shall watch dawn on a new world.
Oh, that's lovely. Did you get that on the thing?
Sorry. Why do you put it on if...?
Whoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo! Whoo!
Oh, yes. Oh, yes!
Vine? Call Joshua! And call Cthulos!
We're on!
According to files, their language is amazingly similar to English,
which is jolly helpful, and the other, oh, good, the meals.
As I walk this ancient path...
I feel like I'm treading in the footsteps of the great explorers of the past.
On the day he first discovered France, did Charles Dickens feel the way I do now?
For pudding we all had flapjacks, there was no choice there but that's OK.
Everybody loves a traditional based flapjack.
Why can't you just record what I said? Sorry, yes, of course.
There! Life forms. Four of them. They haven't seen us.
Over here! We're from Britain!
We mean you no harm!
Over here!
Commander, he's got a gun! Don't worry, just a couple of warning shots to the knees.
Oi! What did I say?
I am very disappointed, Mr York.
Very disappointed indeed.
I'm going to give you a verbal warning. Teal, make a note of how much that hurts me.
The Commander is very hurt.
You don't know anything about these beings. How dare you...? Commander. What?
To your right. Mmm?
To your right. To your right. Oh, sorry.
Greetings. Don't be afraid, I'm not a god or anything.
We mean you no harm. I Henderson.
They've shot the Commander with a kind of dart!
They have shot Mr York. They are reloading their crossbows.
I'm waiting to see what they do next.
Joshua, You fat prick! It's race day, baby!
Oh, not today! They gave me the ship.
It's today or never. I want to, but I must rescue some scientists.
Cthulos! Tell Joshua to stop being such a wuss.
Ggha haghhagga hakka!! My orders are most strict. Wgussgh!
Wuss. Wuss, wuss,
wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss, wuss.
OK. OK. But I'm going to whup your arse.
Oh, Supreme Ruler. Your warriors found these wretches in the wilderlands.
So they brought them to your imperial palace, oh, strongest of the mighty.
I think he's the one in charge.
Nice, peacefully. Keep smiling.
No problem, no problem.
REBELS! You are rebels sent by my enemies!
Chief! Can I just...?
You have tried our patience for too long.
But no more. For I now have a weapon of unimaginable power.
The Doom Ray!
Oh, God, no! And this is one of your fellow rebels.
Watch as my Doom Ray disintegrates him...
..in under three days.
Keep still, will you?!
Ha, ha, ha!
Hmm, hmm.
You marvel at my power.
You marvelled. I saw you marvelling.
He distinctly marvelled.
I didn't marvel. You did.
And when this ray has killed that wretch...
and it's had a week to recharge...
it's your turn!
Take them to the dungeons.
Not the nice ones.
Father. They look like no rebels we have seen.
Their eyes speak of gentleness.
What does she think she's wearing?
Shut up!
Father, let them speak,
that we may hear their story.
Ah, my daughter. You alone command me.
All right, chaps. Here's the course.
Ready. Here to Beta Cygnis. Beta Cygnis to Talitha. Finish line is the twin star of Gamma Arietis.
I want a nice clean race. No missiles, no laser cannons, no ramming.
Oooh! No ramming!
You are a big baby!
I'll take the countdown. 5...
4-3-2-1!!
Hey! You cannot do that. Come back here! Come back here!
You. Where are you from? What do you want?
We are from...
We...we came from beyond the sky,
in a spacecraft.
On a mission of friendship.
Spacecraft? Ooh, OK, it's kind of like a silver bird.
What is a bird?
All right, um...
a silver fish.
Ah, I see. What is a fish?
A silver ship? Oh, a ship.
What is a ship?
Also, what is silver?
Look, let's just say we got here, yeah.
Now, there are many, many worlds beyond the sky.
Some are nice, sure.
Some, some are a little bit shit.
But the best of all...is Britain.
And what does this Britain have that we do not?
Britain's a place where you can be who you want to be.
You hook the caravan up, drive out to the countryside.
Yeah, sure, it's taken you all day,
but you got there.
It's half past four and the sun's shining.
You've got the barbecue on, and you've got a bottle in your hand
and you got a feeling, if I may, which comes from here.
A feeling in your heart,
a feeling that goes,
"Aaaahh!"
With a little bit of,
"Mmmmmmm."
"Aaaaaahhhhhmmmm."
And that is Britain.
Father.
Let us honour them as guests of Queppu.
My daughter has wisdom beyond her years.
You will dine with us.
A feast! Sir?
Is that set feast number one or set feast number two?
Which one has the little claws with the dippy sauce? Number two.
Set feast number two then.
Set feast number two.
Oh! Oh, boy!
That's it! That's the stuff.
Speed 90V. Hurt me! 93V. Now we're cooking with plasma!
95V. Come on boy! Do it!
Oh, now what?
You can see her womb in that.
Hello. Hi, I'm Teal.
Hey...
I never caught your name.
I am called Lavya. Wow.
My name is Michael. Call me...
Call me Michael.
Don't mind me.
What was that gesture? Sickening. A traditional greeting on my planet.
Ah. Tell me more of the customs of your world.
Yeah, yeah.
Teal, budge up a bit. I'm on a mission, come on.
Remember the film. Yeah.
My world...
Excuse me, miss.
I'm sure you're keen to discuss trade with the Supreme Leader.
That is the purpose of our mission after all.
And apparently you're the leader of it. Yeah, well...I'm busy.
And I'm delegating. You do it.
Sorry about York. He doesn't... always get it quite right.
He's, er...fairly junior really.
I'm an animal.
Speed...170V.
Hull breach in mid section! We're losing air! Air's for girls!
Well, well, well...
The local creatures have served a large banquet.
Commander Henderson is engaged in close diplomatic relations with a native.
That is what he is doing.
What is that necklace made from?
It is a spirit gem.
The crystal harmonises with the wearer's mind, and changes colour with their mood.
Wow. So, it's pink.
What does pink mean?
Mmm.
I see now how the loyalty card works.
And Barratt - do they build palaces?
Well, I'm sure they will for you, Supreme Ruler.
My subjects will marvel at my Barratt palace.
Oh, indeed, and how they shall marvel.
But that is just the beginning. You say you have rebels.
Well, with the British-made weapons we supply, you shall crush those rebels
as I crush this fruit.
Try this one.
They are very good for crushing.
Oh, thanks.
This night...
marks the alliance of the two greatest powers in the universe.
Queppu and Great Britain!
My beloved daughter will now perform a dance of celebration!
No, no, no.
Stop it!
Just stop it!
She is an alien tart!
I know what she's got. She's got warts
and pustules
and worms!
Yes, she has. Go on, say it!
You are the planet bike!
Oh, they're soft.
Actually I think I might just stay here and have a little lie down if that's all right.
Well, congratulations.
Thanks to both of you, we can look forward to a late supper of fricassee of death.
Chill with your bad vibes, man.
Papa Bear is all over it.
Jeffers. Commencify rescue. This is not a drill. Jeffers, emergency frequency.
Jeffers.
He'll have it open at all times, won't he?
He'll be up there, in orbit right now,
well within range. He's listening.
He'll be down here with 30 fully armed cadets.
Before you know it, we'll be... back at my cabin, having a laugh about all this over...
a glass of tea and a warm pork scone.
Jeffers, Jeffers.
Yeah.
Yeah! That's what he's doing, he's keeping radio silence, isn't he?
Which is actually very clever. Probably taken the ship and hidden it round the dark side of the planet
so they can't see him but he can still hear us!
This is quite clever, the signal bounces off a moon.
I don't know if you know any...
stuff about that, it's called line of sight.
Jeffers.
Jeffers, man.
I trusted him and that was good.
I put myself on the line for him, you know.
I... I think he'll still come through.
Jeff... Jeffers.
Jeffers.
And I bet that any moment he'll break down that door, yeah?
We're out and we're free.
I trusted him.
Jeffers!
Jeffers!!
Ram him! Ram! Ram! Ram!
Go! Go! Go! Whoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!
You said no ramming! In the dictionary is a picture of your face under "cheat".
Ggghaa hha gghhaagg!! Cheat! Cheat!
Cheat. Status report.
Reactors 2 to 6 damaged beyond repair.
I don't care cos I won!
For the first time in my life I am completely happy.
I've got this faint voice in my head telling me I'm in a lot of trouble now, but I can hardly hear it...
It's getting louder now cos I'm thinking about it. It's quite loud.
Oh, right.
It's stuck. I don't want to hear "stuck" Vine. I don't want to know about "stuck".
God, Vine, why'd you let me do all this? Me? You've let me down.
So I've let you down? Joshua, can you lend us a particle flux modulator?
No. Or Cthulos, see your way clear to... Ghhha ahhahghh!
Right. We've got to get to Queppu.
Well, what have we got with a working engine?
The strangers have dishonoured the house of Queppu.
They must be punished according to the old ways of the ancient times of yore.
They shall perform the ritual of Bloodknife!
Bloodknife! Bloodknife! Bloodknife!
Bloodknife! Bloodknife! Father, show mercy.
I know the Commander is a good man.
The three of you shall fight to the death.
The winner, I shall allow to live,
that he may return to "Britain"
to tell them to marvel, as you marvelled, at my power!
Because you did marvel and everyone saw it.
Let Bloodknife begin!
I will not fight my friends for your amusement, old man!
I jolly well won't either!
Come on, York.
York.
You know what?
Just lately, the two of you have been getting on my nerves.
You're on a verbal warning. I don't want to make it a written one.
With only one survivor there will be no-one to contradict his story.
York... Oh, don't worry,
I'll concoct a heroic death for both of you.
Yeah, that's right,
you died trying to save me.
Don't, I beg of you!
You little fool!
Let us go or the girl dies!
A trick. I knew it, I did, I did.
We'll be popping back to our shuttle right now.
Thanks for all the tasty claws. You will be wise not to try to stop us.
Fear not, brave Lavya!
I will pick them off one by one with my Doom Ray!
STAY STILL!
We're just escaping now. Stay back Queppuinian scum. At least 20 yards.
I don't think they know what a yard is. I am a Princess of Queppu.
I should not be treated like this! Command them to let me go!
Yes, No. I mean definitely. Just not quite yet, OK, yeah?
Teal? Plot co-ordinates. Launch in 20 seconds.
We're going to tip off back to our own ship now.
So...bye.
Oh...your pendant's gone all blue.
It is the colour of hatred on my world.
Hey, don't say that, you know.
We had a nice time yesterday.
We can pick up again.
You have betrayed me, Michael Henderson. I despise you!
The mask's beginning to slip now.
Ow. Look, why don't we see how it goes, yeah, keep in touch?
I will build a silver bird of my own.
I will search the sky, and I will find you, and I will kill you, Michael Henderson.
That's enough chit-chat. Thanks for seeing us off.
Text me! I love you!
Welcome back. Where's my present? Present! Where were you? I called.
You called? Oh, right, yeah. Cos the ship got trapped in a bubble of time, didn't we?
Couldn't get a signal. Right. Yeah.
What happened? He had a race. A race! You idiot! Commander!
Commander! That's not the way.
This is the way.
Well, maybe Queppu's not ready to join the great galactic family quite yet.
But they will be.
Sure, there'll be mistakes along the way.
But I know there's one person down there who's got what it takes to lead them into the future.
One very special person.
I've got a feeling we haven't seen the last of her.
Good work today, guys.
Mr York, you have the helm.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd, 2006